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Ezra Bridger had always been an emotional child. After the Empire had taken his parents away, he'd locked those emotions away in order to protect himself. Anything that didn't contribute to survival was shut tightly behind barriers he refused to let down. He'd learned quickly which emotions would get him hurt. He'd had to. Then the Ghost and her crew had come into his life. The family of Spectres who consisted of a murderous robot, a grumpy lasat, the best pilot this side of the galaxy, a beautiful mandalorian, and a Jedi who'd believed himself to be alone in the world after losing everything. He'd been with them for over a year now, becoming their Spectre-6 and a part of the family. Suddenly he hadn't needed to keep those feelings locked away. He could finally breathe again, could finally rest, could allow himself to feel. Life was good, even if they were fighting a war against an ever growing Evil Empire.
Unfortunately, there were downsides to having these feelings again. While many of his good feelings had been locked away, so had the bad. And now that he was safe, at least in the sense he could sleep without having to watch his back for threats, those bad feelings liked to creep in on him, much as they had when he was a child. They would hit when he least expected it, often when he was exhausted or on edge from a mission. It was as he awoke after a long rest after what had been a long and hard op, that one of those bad feelings had taken root, threatening to drown the poor boy. He'd felt it the moment he woke up, and he let out a groan, wrapping himself tightly in his blanket and turning to the side. Why? Why now? he thought as tears began to fill his eyes. It wasn't the first time this mysterious sadness had filled him, overwhelming everything in him, making him unable to do anything except curl up and cry, but it was the first time since he'd joined the Ghost crew. I thought I grew out of this. As the tears began to spill, he heard the door to his cabin open.
"Hey, Ezra, you up yet? Sabine and I are headed out to grab some supplies. Thought you might wanna join us." Zeb's voice called. Ezra remained still, hoping the lasat would believe he was still sleeping and leave. "Kid?" Zeb asked, and Ezra heard him walking closer to the bunks. For a moment the boy feared Zeb would intentionally try to wake him, and if he did he'd discover that not only was he awake but he was crying. That was the last thing Ezra wanted. But Zeb didn't. He heard the lasat let out a soft sigh before turning and heading for the door. "Guess not. We did just get back from a pretty long op. I'll let ya sleep just this once." he said before his footsteps exited the room and the door closed.
Ezra let out a soft sigh of relief, but at the same time, that deep sadness in him intensified. While he hadn't wanted Zeb to know he was crying, it seemed that his presence had chased away a little bit of this feeling. Now that he'd left, it was hitting him full force, and he curled into himself as tightly as he could, the tears pouring down in earnest now. I'm so sad. Why? I wanted him to leave me alone. But now it's worse. He thought, fighting as he began to sob silently. Someone make it stop. I hate this. I wish I could just lock it all up, like I used to. Yes, training to become a jedi had it's downsides. Once he'd opened up about his feelings to connect with those creatures the day he and Kanan had faced the Grand Inquisitor for the second time, he'd been unable to bottle them back up. At least, not the way he'd used to.
Speaking of Jedi training, he was late. He knew it. But he couldn't move. Couldn't stop crying. He knew Kanan would be furious, but in that moment, all he could think about, all he could feel, was the deep, devastating darkness that threatened to swallow him up and never let go. At least, that was how it felt. He'd had his parents to help before, but now, he was on his own. This wasn't something he could bother the crew with, and certainly not something he could tell Kanan about. A year together, and he still couldn't bring himself to fully trust that they would willing provide the comfort he so desperately needed and craved right now.
Yes, even though he was surrounded by people he considered friends and family, Ezra was still so hopelessly alone.
Or so he thought.
Kanan was frustrated.
The last op Ezra had gone on had been long, and left the entire crew stressed. Well, he'd certainly been stressed. They'd just barely joined with the rest of the rebel fleet and already they were asking favors from the kid and the rest of the crew. Kanan hated that. Especially if it meant him sitting on the Ghost with Hera while Ezra went somewhere with Zeb, Sabine, and Chopper. It was his mission in the academy all over again, except this time the empire had a huge price on their heads. Kanan knew Sabine and Zeb were plenty of backup, but he hated being separated from his padawan, especially when the mission had gone on longer than expected. The only reason Kanan hadn't gone with them, was because Hera insisted on keeping him benched for a bit longer. He didn't understand why. Sure, he'd been tortured, but it wasn't that bad. There hadn't even been any blood. Not that that happened often, but it was always a possibility. Besides, Ezra had ended up with the scars. Yet another reason Kanan wanted the kid to stay close.
Still, Ezra was a little too eager to help. Zeb and Sabine had both grown far too fond of the kid and of course were supportive of his decisions, and Hera had always wanted to be part of something bigger so she had zero problems with it as well. Chopper...well, Chopper was a murder-bot. Nothing else needed to be said other than there was the possibility he'd get to zap someone or make something explode. So Kanan had waited while Zeb, Sabine, Chopper, and Ezra were out stealing plans and then running until the Stormtroopers had finally given up the chase and they could reach the spot where the Phantom had been hidden.
Ezra and the others had finally returned last night, exhausted but in one piece. Kanan had barely gotten a moment with the kid before he'd been pulled away to give his report along with the rest of the crew. Then the kid had headed to bed immediately afterwards, telling Hera to let Kanan know he'd be ready to continue training tomorrow, but he was tired and going to get some shut eye while he could. Kanan could understand that. They were travelling to a planet anyways to get some supplies that they needed and the trip would take a while. But then they'd landed on the planet. Zeb and Sabine had gotten up, and even went to get the supplies. But he hadn't seen Ezra. Okay, so maybe the kid needed some extra sleep, he was fine with that. But then Sabine and Zeb had returned and loaded up all the supplies, and he still hadn't seen the kid. Long past when they'd have normally begun training. He headed into the common area to see Zeb and Sabine lounging on the couch, Sabine sketching on a piece of flimsi, Zeb enjoying his favorite space waffles. He let out a frustrated sigh just as Hera and Chopper entered the room, noting a distinct lack of a blue-haired troublemaker.
"Alright, what's got you all worked up?" Hera asked, clocking Kanan's mood immediately.
"Ezra's late for training. I haven't seen him all day." Kanan replied, tapping his foot and crossing his arms in annoyance.
"He's probably still sleeping Kanan. Kid was exhausted after that op." Hera reminded him.
"That's no excuse and he knows it. Zeb and Sabine were on that same op and they still went out to get supplies. Ezra knows better." Kanan replied.
"Ezra also did a lot of heavy lifting on that op. Literally. Not only did he keep the troopers off our backs, but we got cut off by a rockslide at one point and if he hadn't moved that boulder we'd have been toast." Sabine defended, looking up from her drawing to frown at Kanan.
Kanan let out another frustrated huff. He knew all of that. It had been in the report they'd given, which he'd read thoroughly just to give himself peace of mind that Ezra hadn't been hiding any injuries from him. He leaned against their little kitchen counter as Hera got herself some caf, not quite sure why he was so upset, but feeling his frustration grow with each passing second. "That's it. I'm wakin' him up." he muttered, turning to head to the cabin Ezra shared with Zeb.
"Hey, go easy on the kid." Zeb called out, causing Kanan to pause.
"Ya know, I'm surprised you didn't wake him up yourself. You hate it when he's lazy." Kanan replied.
"I was gonna. But...." Zeb paused, scratching the back of his head. "Ah, somethin' was off about him. Kinda reminded me of how the kits back on lasan would smell when they were sad. Somethin' about the air is just different." he explained.
Kanan frowned, glancing back at his friend who seemed genuinely concerned about Ezra. He noticed the lasat hadn't touched his space waffles since he'd walked in complaining about the kid not showing up for training. "Alright. I'll go easy on him." he promised, heading to Ezra's cabin.
He could sense something was off the moment he walked in. Ezra's shields were high. Higher than normal. Kanan could barely sense the kid, even though he could see the lump right in front of him on Ezra's bunk. That's why I was so irritated. Kid cut me off. I couldn't sense him. He realized. "Ezra?" he called as he walked over to the boy. There was no response, and as he got closer he noticed Ezra was completely wrapped in his blanket, curled tightly in on himself. He placed a hand on the kid's shoulder, frowning as he noted the boy's entire body was trembling. Then he heard the sniffling. He's crying. His eyes went wide at this, and he quickly climbed up to sit on the edge of Ezra's bunk. "Hey, hey buddy. What's wrong?" he whispered, gently rubbing Ezra's arm in a soothing motion, hoping to calm him down. Ezra didn't move, but he heard something mumbled into the boy's pillow. He sighed softly, shaking his head. "I didn't understand you Ez. Can you try again? What's going on?" he asked. Ezra curls up more, attempting to scoot away from Kanan. "Ezra, please. Talk to me." He waited, wondering if the kid would open up. He was about to just leave it, stopping his gentle touch on Ezra's arm, when the kid spoke up again.
"I'm a sad burrito." Ezra's voice was hoarse and soft, but Kanan understood him. Well, mostly. He wasn't sure what the kid was talking about but those were definitely words.
"Huh?" He asked, confused. Ezra sighed softly, and Kanan felt the kid's shields drop completely. Suddenly he was pulled in, a vision of a memory from Ezra's past flashing through his mind.
Mira Bridger was humming to herself as she walked into the living room of Ezra's childhood home. A small child was curled up on the couch, wrapped in blankets. A frown formed on Mira's face as the child let out a sniffle, and she quickly walked over and sat next to the boy. "Darling?" she whispered. More sniffles could be heard, and Mira was filled with heartbreak. She reached over and lifted the bundle onto her lap, gently rocking him. "Oh my sweet little loth-kit. What's wrong?" she asked.
"I'm sad." a young Ezra sobbed, clutching the blankets tightly.
"Aww. That's a big feeling, huh?" Mira whispered, holding her son tighter and gently kissing his head. "Do you know why you're sad?" she asked.
Baby Ezra sniffled and shook his head. "I'm jus' sad." he whispered back.
"I see. Is that why you're all wrapped up like a burrito?" Mira asked him. Little Ezra let out a whine in response. "Aww, my sad little burrito. It's alright. Mother's here." Mira whispered, kissing him on the head again. She began to hum softly to him, gently rocking him back and forth in her arms as little Ezra's soft cries begin to fade.
As little Ezra's cries faded, so did the memory. Kanan looked down at the boy who was bundled up now in the same way he had been in the memory. "Oh kid." he whispered, shaking his head. "You should've talked to me. You don't have to hide these kind of things." he told the boy. Ezra didn't speak, simply turning his head farther away in response, his eyes shut tightly even as more tears poured out of them. Kanan sighed again, quickly making a decision. "Alright, that's enough of that." He said, pushing himself off Ezra's bunk. He could sense the conflict in the boy's emotions, as Ezra hadn't pulled his shields back up, noticing that while the boy had seemed to want to be left alone, his true feelings were the complete opposite. Good thing, cause I have no intentions of leaving you here like this. Kanan thought. He reached up, pulling the boy off of his bunk.
"Kanan!" Ezra cried in protest, his voice squeaking with hoarseness.
"You can be just as sad and miserable in the common room. Come on." Kanan replied, putting a hand on Ezra's shoulder and leading him out of the room. He left no chance for the boy to protest, and Ezra seemed to have accepted his fate, adjusting the blanket so it was over his head and shoulders like a hood. It reminded him of the younglings at the temple the first time they'd all gotten their robes, and for a moment his heart throbbed. But that wasn't important. His kid was sad, and he wasn't going to let him stay that way.
As they made their way into the common room, Kanan noticed Zeb had finished his space waffles and wandered off, though Sabine still sat at the table drawing. Chopper warbled as they came into the room, laughing at Ezra's appearance. Ezra froze, and Kanan glared at the droid. Sabine looked up from her drawing, glancing from Ezra, who was staring at the floor, up to Kanan. "Ah, I was hoping you'd come out soon. Our favorite broadcast is about to start on the holonet." she commented, scooting over to invite them in. Kanan smiled, nodding his thanks to the girl. Unlike their resident murder-bot, Sabine paid attention to Ezra's moods. Kanan nudged Ezra forward, pulling him in to sit on the couch between himself and Sabine.
As he sat down, he noticed Ezra slightly lean into him, and he couldn't help reaching out an arm to pull the kid in a little closer. He'll never say it, but the kid needs this. He thought as he noticed Ezra slightly relax. Hera walked in just as the broadcast started, glancing over at their resident burrito before taking a seat beside Kanan. "Been a while since we sat and watched the holonet together." She commented, leaning against her jedi. Zeb walked in a few moments later, stopping just inside the room and taking a moment to assess what was going on. Kanan watched as the lasat glanced over the kid before taking a seat beside Sabine, relaxing back against the couch.
"Ugh, Zeb you stink! What were you running laps out there?" Sabine complained, though Kanan could tell it wasn't a real complaint on her part, simply using the excuse to squeeze in a little tighter to Ezra, having obviously caught on to the boy's need for physical touch as comfort.
"Oh, come on! I don't smell that bad!" Zeb complained.
"Wurb bub burb bub." Chopper chimed in with a laugh.
"Quiet you metal menace! You cain't even smell!" Zeb grumped.
"Shh! It's starting!" Sabine hushed.
As the program began to play, everyone quieted down. Kanan wasn't really paying attention to that. His attention was on his padawan, who had relaxed more and more as the other Spectres had gathered. He could sense the sadness that had been filling Ezra slowly began to fade, being replaced with feelings of love, of comfort, of peace. The Ghost Crew's little burrito was no longer sad, nor was he lonely. No.
Ezra was now, a happy burrito.