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It should have been a simple thing. It shouldn’t have required much thought, or even energy. Everyone was excitedly writing out letters, but Buck just stared at the blank page. He couldn’t decide how honest he should be or if he should make it superficial to fit the assignment that May asked for their help on. But … he didn’t like to lie. Whether to himself or in general. Hen was smiling softly as she wrote out her letter, Chim was snickering to himself. Bobby even looked wistful, if a touch sad. Eddie looked stoic, unless you knew how to read him. Buck could see that he was a mix of grumpy, annoyed, and hopeful. Because Chris had been born not much later; by the time Eddie was barely 20 he was a dad.
“Having trouble?” May asked quietly from beside him.
“I … I don’t think you need me for this.” Buck said carefully. “You’ve got a lot of people to participate to meet your school requirement. I think it … I think you should just use what they give you.”
“Ok.” May agreed, giving him a small smile when he looked at her in surprise. “I’m not forcing you to participate, Buck. Anyone who wants to, can, though. My letter … my letter is pretty rough. I’m not sure if you remember what happened when I was 16.”
“I remember.” Buck whispered.
“I never thought I’d make it to 18.” May shrugged. “I didn’t plan to. And now I have this amazing support system, three dads instead of one, and a pretty cool big brother. You’ve had a lot happen just since coming to LA, Buck. And … well. I know Bobby worries about you. About what happened to you when you were younger and even before you started at the 118. You, of anyone here, have the biggest blank spot. Because there are things you’ve never felt comfortable sharing with anyone. If you don’t want to write a letter to your 18 year old self, for my class, then do it for you. In your own time and words. I think it’ll help you more than you know.”
“Thanks, May.” Buck sighed, giving her a small smile. “I’ll try to write something out and see if I can give it to you or not.”
“Ok.” She patted his arm and left him alone.
The more the day went on, the more people stopped and grabbed some paper and wrote a letter to their younger self, adding it to the envelope that May had set aside for the project to ensure no one saw anyone else’s letter. There were reminiscent conversations happening everywhere, as people discussed their high school days. Where they thought they would be by the time they were where they are now. Buck wasn’t even bothered by Eddie being on his phone so much for once.
He was glad when the day was finally over and he could go home. Have the quiet space to just think and consider everything that happened in his life up to this point. He thought about his time with his parents, when he was alone after Maddie left, for the first time probably ever. He had been alone with his parents for a decade. And then he’d spent the better part of the next decade running from them, from the memories of them. Maddie never asked him about that time, and Buck never offered any information up, either. That wasn’t how their relationship worked. Maddie was his big sister, but she almost always fell more into the mothering role.
Almost like she still saw him as her kid brother that she drove away from.
Buck sat at his dining table with a bottle of whiskey, hoping it would make the idea of thinking about everything easier. It sort of did. He only had a small glass, and felt like he could finally try and put words to paper. Once he started, he felt like he couldn’t stop. So he just kept going. And going until he reached the end. He drank another glass, took a long shower, then came back to it to look over and see what he could use for the intended purpose that wasn’t just a bunch of run-on thoughts. It took a few tries, but he finally cleaned it up enough that it was just over two pages. It was still a lot, but it was … it was what he’d needed to hear at the time.
He left it on the table and finally went to bed, exhausted from reliving everything, even just in his head. He crashed pretty hard and wasn’t surprised that he slept through his alarm. He hurriedly texted Bobby to let him know he was running behind but that he’d be there soon and rushed through his morning routine, grabbing his letter before heading out. When he got to the station, he found May there to pick up her envelope. Buck thrust his letter into her hands and left before she could do more than smile at him.
He didn’t really think about the letter after that. Not really. Except it was in his mind, floating in the back, making him wonder what else he might tell younger versions of himself. The others joked around with each other, talking a little about what they wrote to themselves. And if anyone noticed Buck being quiet about it all, they never said anything. The next few days were all about the same, really. Buck had picked up a few extra shifts here and there, letting everyone have the time they needed with their families. He knew that was important to them. He just didn’t have that.
“Hey.” May said, pulling him out of his head when he was closing his locker at the end of an extra shift.
“Hey. What are you doin’ here?” Buck tilted his head at her curiously.
“Wanted to talk.” She shrugged. “I, uh, I put all my research together and pulled an A on my psych class.”
“That’s awesome. Way to go.” Buck smiled at her and bumped her fist.
“Thanks.” She laughed lightly. “Look, I know this sort of set a lot of people off down memory lane, and mostly everyone had happy thoughts or words of encouragement.”
“Mostly.” Buck hummed.
“Bobby has this weird thing he wants to do with it now, though.” May sighed defeatedly. “They’re having a cookout this weekend, but they want to look through their letters. Share with each other.”
“I kinda figured that would happen.” Buck chuckled. “It’s … it’s fine. The version I gave you is maybe a third of the first draft I did.”
“You shouldn’t have to-”
“May.” Buck stopped her. “It’s fine, I promise.” Buck put an arm around her shoulders and hugged her to his side, smiling when she wrapped her arms around his waist. “You were right. No one knows anything about me from before I was 25. Not really. Not even Maddie. She’d been gone for nine years already when I turned 18. She was basically my mom for nine years and then she left because that never should have been her responsibility. She gave me her car keys when I was 19 and scared of going home. The next time I saw her was when I turned 26. Then she ran again when I was 29 before coming back when I was getting ready to turn 30. I’m 31 now. And Maddie has been part of my life for barely 12 years all put together. I know she thinks she knows me, I know the others do, too. Chim probably thinks he knows me the most since he has that direct line with Maddie. I’ve … I’ve had a pretty hard life. But I think … I think I’m ok with it now. I think I’m finally ready to move forward and fully live.”
“You’re a good guy, Buck.” May sighed, leaning her head on his shoulder as they walked to the parking lot. “If it’s too much, when you’re reading it, just let me know and I’ll stop it.”
“I know you will.” Buck snorted. “Wanna get some ice cream and watch movies at the loft?”
“You’re not too tired?”
“Nah, I’m never too tired to do brother-sister bonding.”
“Ok. I’ll meet you there in half an hour to give you time to shower or whatever.” She hugged his waist again before breaking off for her car.
Buck had just finished showering when May knocked on the door. She handed him a tub of ice cream and they sat and watched ‘Shang Chi And The Legend Of The Ten Rings’. It was a good night and Buck was actually relieved when May said she was crashing on the air mattress because she didn’t want to drive home so late. They went out to breakfast together the next morning before going their separate ways to more or less prepare for the cookout the next evening.
“I think they’re all waiting on you.” May whispered to him when she opened the door for him and took his dish of apple cobbler. “They want to start.”
“Take a deep breath, ok?” Buck told her, giving her a small smile. “We’re fine. And it’ll be nice to get it out in the open.”
“If someone argues or tries to say anything I may start a fight.” May huffed, grabbing his hand and dragging him with her. She set the dish down and pulled him outside where everyone was definitely waiting.
“Buckeroo! Finally! Now we can get going!” Hen cheered, clapping her hands together.
“Wow, such a warm welcome.” Buck joked.
“Should have been on time if you wanted that.” Eddie teased.
“Can’t rush perfection in making cobbler.” Buck shrugged. “Anyway, I’m here, so you can get started on what you want to get started on so badly.”
“You don’t have to share if you don’t want to, just to reiterate.” Bobby stated, looking around at everyone. “I thought it would be nice, but it isn’t mandatory.”
“We know.” Several people stated, making Bobby shrug and sit back down beside Athena.
“Fine.” May huffed. “Here.” She started passing out the letters that everyone had written, giving Buck his last and staying glued to his side.
Bobby went first, wanting to set the example as the Captain. Then Hen, Chim, Ravi, and Eddie, before it was Buck’s turn. Everyone’s letters were actually pretty sweet and uplifting. Eddie’s was only a little maudlin, but it was still positive overall. Therapy had been good for him.
“Alright, let’s hear what Buck would tell baby Buck.” Hen cheered, clapping her hands again.
“It’s kinda long, but I’m not stopping, so you’re just gonna have to wait until I’m done if you have a comment or anything.” Buck said, clearing his throat and looking at his letter.
“ Dear Evan,
“It’s not your fault.” Buck took another breath when everyone fell silent. “It’s not your fault that you had to enroll yourself in school each year. Maddie should never have been doing it anyway, she was your sister, not your mother. Even if she forgot that sometimes. It’s not your fault that no one went to your parent teacher conferences. Traditional classroom learning was never really your thing, but online classes will be a breeze when you get to them. It’s not your fault that you were alone on the field after winning the state championship football game. You built that team, they won because of your hard work, not because of anything your parents ever did. It’s not your fault that they didn’t take pictures of your homecoming or winter formal or prom. It’s not your fault that you got acceptance letters from dozens of colleges, offering football scholarships that you’d never be able to accept. Because you won’t be able to pay the difference the school needs when mom and dad didn’t even remember you were a senior. It’s …” Buck cleared his throat again, “it’s not your fault that you’ll stand on that graduation stage, the same way you did in the middle of that football field; alone. Because your parents forgot when graduation was and were working or out of town or wherever the hell they decided they needed to be.
“Remember that, ok? It’s not your fault. I keep repeating it because of how important it is for you to understand.
“You don’t know this yet, but you’ll learn later on. You had another brother once. You had a big sister and a big brother. But he was sick. And because he was sick, you exist. Remember Clara from tenth grade? How she got sick and her brother was able to donate bone marrow and help her get better? That’s what you were made for. You were made to heal your brother. You were engineered. It’s not your fault it didn’t work. And no one is ever going to tell you that. At least, not any time soon. In another decade they sort of will. Not because they want to tell you about him, or about who he was, but because you find out about him on accident. You find a picture and Maddie tells you everything she can. Which isn’t much because she was only 11 when he died. It’s why she became your mom, really. And make sure you tell her that isn’t her fault, either. I don’t think anyone ever said that to her.
“Things are about to get really difficult. Not that they were easy to begin with, but it’s gonna get pretty harsh. You’re going to fail out of school because you hate being there, surrounded by people who don’t care and only want you around for the entertainment you give them. It’s nothing you aren’t used to. And that’s not your fault. There’s gonna be an accident, you’re going to finally get the courage to visit Maddie at the hospital you know she’s working at, even though you haven’t talked to her since she moved away when you were nine. You’ve gone ten years not being able to talk to your big sister. You’ve survived ten years being alone with Philip and Margaret Buckely. Which should earn you some kind of fucking medal, honestly. Anyway, you’re going to beg Maddie to leave with you, but she’s just going to give you her keys and tell you to be free.
“It’s not your fault. You never wanted to know what it was like to be homeless, to go hungry, to wonder where your next meal was coming from. You never wanted to know, but you found out and you learned and you fucking survived. The thing is, you’ll find your home one day. And, sadly, it isn’t going to be very soon. You’ll be close to 26 by the time you find it. And it won’t be a place, necessarily. It’ll be people. You’ll find a new big sister, a new brother, and you’ll finally , finally, feel what it’s like to have a dad. You’ll fall in love over and over again. Your sister will come back, even if she’s different. But who wouldn’t be after so many years apart? It’s not your fault that she will still see you as her nine year old brother that she left behind. It’s not your fault that you won’t just tell her what happened when she walked away that first time. She did what she needed to do for her. She deserves that much after having to watch one younger brother die and another be neglected. But she’ll eventually meet a guy that will look at her like the sun’s coming out. They’ll be disgustingly in love and you’ll get to see the whole amazing thing.
“It’s not your fault. Nothing that has happened to you the past 18 years, or will happen to you the next few, is your fault. But you need help. What you did as a kid, getting hurt so much, you’ll eventually learn you were self-harming. Because you got hurt, and they suddenly cared. You had your parents acting like actual parents. But it’s not worth it. They’re not worth it. They neglected you for a majority of your life. And it is not your fault. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of a home, of a family, all of it. So when you get there, when you find them, you’ll see it in the way they laugh with you, not at you. In the way they like to hear you talk about the latest thing to catch your attention that you had to learn everything about. You’ll hear it in the way they call you ‘Buck’ or ‘Buckeroo’. Because they love you enough to give you a nickname that becomes an endearment, and sometimes, an adjective. You’ll still be Evan, through it all. But you become so much more. And I think I’m finally ready to accept that.
“Because if it isn’t your fault, then it isn’t mine, either. And just being Buck is enough.”
Buck folded the letter up and put his arm around May who was hugging him from the side again. Everyone was still quiet, but Buck could see them trying to sort out what to say or how to react. Maddie was crying pretty hard, tears streaming down her face. Hen wasn’t much better, nor was Karen. Chim was trying to wipe his face and hug Maddie to offer comfort. Bobby and Athena were holding each other’s hands pretty firmly. Eddie … Eddie had his face in his hands and looked like he was doing a breathing exercise to keep calm.
“Everyone here talks a little about their lives before becoming part of this family.” Buck said gently. “But no one ever wondered why I never did. I pushed Bobby into it, but once he was getting the help he needed, everyone else sort of fell into checking on each other the same way. I don’t know what you all thought happened when I was younger. If you ever thought about it at all, actually. I wasn’t even sure I was going to write anything for this. But after talking to May … I figured I owed it to myself, at least. That I deserved that closure.”
“I’m sorry!” Maddie burst out, still gasping a little through her tears.
“It’s not your fault.” Buck said again, meeting her eyes. “You are not my mother, Maddie. You never should have been. You’re my sister. You never talked about Doug when you got here, and I never talked about anything before becoming a firefighter. I put what I needed to in those postcards so you wouldn’t worry. Did you?”
“I always worried about you.” She sniffled. “But you made it sound like you were having a great time, bouncing all over the place.”
“Because that’s what you needed to hear.” Buck said gently.
“You were homeless.” Bobby rasped before clearing his throat.
“You asked once,” Hen sniffled, “if we’d ever gotten to the point of being so hungry we weren’t hungry anymore.”
“Because I’ve felt it.” Buck agreed quietly. “I know better than most how to fit in and be charming. Because why else would someone hire a kid that looks like he slept in his car to build houses or bus tables or even work as an aide in a nursing home? Sometimes my personality rubbed people the wrong way. It happened a lot and still does. But back then I couldn’t afford it. I needed people to like me, even just a little. Just enough to give me a chance and at least one paycheck. It was … a little rough here because I had to try to be myself. And I didn’t know who that was. Hadn’t really had time to figure it out. Because being me was never really an option.”
“What about your birthday?” Maddie practically whispered.
“Last one I got was before you left.” Buck replied quietly. “You were the one who made sure I had one every year, Maddie. I’m grateful that you gave up so much to be the parent I needed back then. But you shouldn’t have had to. And that’s neither of our faults. I … originally I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t because I had purposely shut that part of my life in a box and buried it. But I feel better. This is pretty much the condensed version of what I wrote out the first time. But the message was still the same. If I could tell my younger self anything, it would be just that; it’s not your fault.”
Eddie eventually got up and disappeared into the house without a word. Buck got up and gave everyone hugs to offer what comfort he could before going to find him. He wasn’t surprised to find him out front, sitting on the step and just looking out at the quiet street. Buck sat beside him, sticking his bad leg out straight since it was a little sore from overworking. He sat and leaned against Eddie, just letting him know he was there whenever he was ready to talk.
“Maybe I should give your letter to my younger self, too.” Eddie said quietly.
“Maybe not the whole thing, but the general message, yeah, I can see that.” Buck agreed just as quietly. “You were forced to be a parent, like Maddie was. And that is not your fault, Eds.”
“I’m sorry.” Eddie croaked.
“For what?” Buck frowned, looking over at him.
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a crappy friend.” Eddie rushed out.
“You haven’t-”
“Don’t.” Eddie said warningly, finally meeting his eyes. Eddie looked seconds from crying and Buck did not want to push him to a break down. “Don’t, Buck. I don’t need you to placate me. I’ve been a horrible friend, let alone a best friend. Just like I was a horrible husband. I keep making these mistakes in my relationships and I have no idea how to stop.”
“What do you mean?” Buck asked carefully.
“I don’t even know how I feel about Marisol. It honestly feels the same as it was with Ana. I want to like her, I do. I just … I don’t. Not the way I know she likes me. And I’ve been spending any time I used to spend with you, with Tommy. Because we have a lot in common. But he never talks about random things he finds interesting. We have some shared interests but he doesn’t talk about anything past the superficial. I just feel like I’m spread so thin that I’m barely holding anything together.”
“So don’t.” Buck offered, bumping their shoulders together. “You’re not a single dad, Eddie, as much as your parents like to say you are.”
“I’m not.” Eddie agreed. “Because I have you.”
“You and Chris have had me since the day I met him.” Buck shrugged. “You’re my family. And in my experience, families are messy.”
“I think … I think I might need to try a different kind of therapy.” Eddie whispered.
“Want some help?” Buck offered.
“Can … can you do it with me?” Eddie asked hesitantly. “I can talk to you. Frank helped me with my PTSD, he did, but I just …”
“Eddie,” Buck waited for Eddie to stop looking anywhere but at him, “if you want to do some sort of counseling with me, ok. But why don’t we find someone other than Frank for a few sessions before you bring me in? So you have time to talk about some other things that you can’t get out with him?”
“Can I read your other letter?”
“It’s not gonna help anything.” Buck said gently. “It’s around six pages. Maybe a little more.”
“I don’t care.” Eddie shook his head. “If you are ok with sharing it, then I’d like to read it. And maybe I can figure out a way to do what you did and forgive myself.”
“It’s gonna be hard.” Buck said. “Both reading my other letter and writing something that open and honest to yourself. Whether it’s to your 18 year old self or your 21 year old self or whatever. But, for what it’s worth, it’s helpful. And cathartic. I … I felt like a huge weight was lifted when I finally finished before condensing it for May. Why don’t we go have some cobbler and try and relax a little more while everyone fusses over me and we can go home and crash?”
“Home or the loft?” Eddie asked.
“Whichever you want.” Buck shrugged. “I’m sure Christopher doesn’t mind staying with Pepa the rest of the night, which I’m guessing was your plan anyway?”
“It was.” Eddie nodded. “Let’s … let’s go to the loft. So I can read the original and crash on that stupidly expensive mattress of yours.”
“You say that, but I can never get you out of it.” Buck chuckled. “You’ll always have a place there, Eddie.”
“In your bed?” Eddie arched an eyebrow at him. “Presumptuous of you Buck.”
“We both have way too much healing to do for us to have that kind of conversation.” Buck snorted, getting up and pulling Eddie to his feet. “I already told you, you and Christopher are my family. And that can look however you want it to. So. Cobbler and ice cream. Then back to the loft.”
“Ok.” Eddie said, looking a little dazed, but allowing Buck to take him back in the house. It was pretty quiet the rest of the evening, and no one argued when Buck and Eddie were leaving as soon as they were done with the dessert. May hugged him pretty tightly before finally letting him go.
Buck poured Eddie a glass of water once they were in the loft, not wanting him to get trashed while he read the letter, and then went to take a shower. When he got out, he wasn’t surprised that Eddie had found some liquor anyway and was at least part way finished with one pitcher of margaritas that he’d made. He had to pretty much coax Eddie into the shower before dropping him in his bed and making sure everything was locked up and lights were off before joining him. He wasn’t surprised when Eddie wrapped around his back and buried his face in his neck. It was Eddie’s way of looking for comfort without having to ask for it. And it made Buck feel safe and protected, even if he could hear and feel Eddie’s shuddering breaths against his skin.
Writing the letter to himself had been cathartic. But he knew, when they got up in the morning, the journey to really healing his hurts was only just starting. He wanted to be able to tell his parents even part of that. He wanted them to see and maybe feel what he did by reading it. Before he got to that, he wanted to make sure Eddie was ok. That his best friend was ok and that he would continue to be ok. Because if what Buck had gone through as a kid wasn’t his fault, then neither was anything Eddie went through.
And he loved Eddie Diaz enough to help him see how amazing he really was, once he was able to forgive himself for things that were not his fault.