Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Bye Meddyyyy!!” Subspace smiles.

The door shuts behind Medkit, who has left for his workshop in Lost Temple to do more work for the Church, and Subspace already feels like he's falling apart. Like the seams have been stretched far too thin for far too long and they're finally snapping.

He ignores this, of course, in favor of finishing getting dressed for the day. Normally he's the one leaving first, but he woke up late today and Medkit insisted that Subspace stay and eat breakfast for once. Something about “not eating enough in a day”. Subspace was too tired to remember the details.

He clicks the clasps on the back of his gas mask into place from muscle memory alone, and he's off to the bus. He always had a certain disdain for public transit- but it was easier than learning how to drive this late into his life, so Subspace tolerated it. Taking the time to get a car would cut into time he could spend working , after all!

~~~

When Subspace gets home he isn't surprised to find Medkit isn't back yet. He's home surprisingly early, all things considered. (Home early in the hopes of Meddy being proud of him. Of him noticing that Subspace is listening for once, that Subspace didn't over work himself to exhaustion again. That he's trying . Some part of him tells him that it's a foolish and childish wish, and the rest of him believes it.)

His movements are unfortunately slow, however. Every step is a fight he barely wins, one he hardly scrapes by in. He can hardly get through the door. His brain is hounding him now that work is over. Now that he's out of the lab, has nothing to focus on, nothing “more important” to think about. Every thought he's tried so hard to ignore the past few weeks is slowly trickling in. 

He chokes down a sob as he takes his boots off, followed by his gas mask. Subspace doesn't dare think about taking the eye patch off. 

On his walk to the bedroom- where he had planned to sleep all this bullshit off- he catches a glimpse of his reflection in the living room TV screen, and that's all it takes. 

Silent tears stream down his face near instantly, and the fact that he broke down this fast makes him wanna cry just that much more. He can't tear his eyes away from the screen. From his face, from the ugly scars, from the eye patch . Thoughts of how this event even occurred plague his memory constantly- he hasn't slept properly in SFoTH knows how long now. 

And he deserves all of it. He doesn't deserve the luxury of having a moment of peace- not after what he did. The people he hurt, what he did to Meddy especially. Subspace has fallen to the floor and is hyperventilating, choking on sobs, gasping for air. 

How could Medkit still tolerate to be around him..? How could someone who had been so irreparably hurt by his actions, still dare to say he enjoyed his presence? How could-

“Subspace?”

Subspace gasps, and turns around rapidly from his spot on the floor. He hadn't heard the door open, hadn't heard Medkit come home, had it been that long already-?

Medkit walks over to Subspace, crouches down to be level with him, and cups Subspace’s face in his hands. Worry is etched into his features but Subspace ignores it in favor of leaning into the comfort of his lover's palm, tears still running down his face.

“Subspace, honey, you should have called.” Medkit spoke, voice uncharacteristically soft, frowning lightly at him. “I will always be here when you're struggling.”

Subspace refuses to speak, knowing his voice would betray him and shake an embarrassing amount should he even try. He tries to lean further into Medkit’s palm, when his thumb grazes the edge of the eye patch, and Subspace flinches away. Medkit's worry somehow increases at this action.

“Would you like a hug, darling?” Medkit whispers. Like he's afraid of making things worse somehow.

The dam doesn't just break, it shatters . Subspace almost lunges for Medkit’s lap, sobbing into Medkit's shoulder wanting only to be held, to be cared for while it lasts. Some part of him feels bad for soaking Medkit’s uniform but he can't find it in himself to care in this moment.

Medkit rubs small circles into Subspace's back with his thumb, whispering words of encouragement into Subspace’s ear. “It's going to be alright, okay? Let it out honey. I've got you now.” Every kind word makes Subspace cry harder, and it's not long before Medkit is picking him up and taking them both to bed.

Subspace is set gently on to the bed, but he's still grabbing at Medkit's arm, desperately trying to make him stay . He feels small and pathetic and he just wants to be held for a little while longer.

“I'll be right back, darling.” Medkit sets his free hand on Subspace’s head, and Subspace leans into it immediately, a shaky purr starting up. “We're both still in uniform. You'd prefer something more comfortable to cuddle in, wouldn't you?”

Subspace perks up at this thought, if only slightly, and reluctantly let go of Medkit's arm.

Medkit takes the time to slide his boots off and tucks them under the edge of the bed, considering he was a little too… distracted, to take them off earlier. Guilt seeps into Subspace slowly, how dare he make Medkit deal with him. And right after he got home, too. 

He's calmed himself down enough to slow the tears almost to a stop when Medkit walks back in, sweater in hand. He’s already changed into new clothes himself. Subspace’s tail starts wagging the second he walks in, and Medkit smiles fondly at him for it.

Subspace stands and changes as fast as he can without tearing his shirt on his horns in an attempt to avoid looking at himself for too long. He fumbles for a minute, and he restrains the urge to start tearing his skin off at the sight of his rotted torso, but problems are otherwise kept to a minimum. 

Medkit is laying in bed and looking at him when he turns around, and Subspace panics for a moment. Like this is Medkit’s first time seeing him shirtless, seeing the real effects of the damage. Like Medkit might turn around and hate him for looking that horrific.

His thoughts come to a screeching halt, however, when he hears the faintest little purr coming from Medkit. He’s looking at Subspace like he hung every star in the sky, all for him. (And if Subspace had ever had that chance, make no mistake, he would’ve. Anything for Medkit. Anything to see him this happy.) The mere thought of being this loved, of feeling this loved, is enough to make tears well back up in his eye. He curses himself for being this pathetic. 

Medkit notices this immediately (of course) and holds a hand out to Subspace. A gentle invitation to (hopefully) get him back into bed. And Subspace obliges.

He tentatively crawls back under the covers and Medkit is on him almost immediately. He tucks Subspace’s head under his chin and runs a hand through his hair, petting him gently. The purr emitting from his chest is so much louder up close and it makes Subspace melt into his arms.

“..I’m sorry.” Subspace again curses himself for how quiet he is. How embarrassing this whole thing was. What a useless waste of time.

“Whatever for?” Medkit asks, almost as quiet.

Subspace is mildly surprised by this response, and says a little louder, “For being such a burden all the time..? For constantly making everything miserable, for fucking shit up all the time, for-”

“Hey,” Medkit cuts him off, giving him a look, “Don’t talk like that. You're not a burden, Subs.” He leans down and presses his forehead against Subspace’s. Their horns click together quietly, and Subspace rubs their horns together. A common affectionate gesture between the two. “You never will be.”

Subspace doesn’t have a response to that. He’s tired and overwhelmed and talking is the last thing he wants to do while he's still staving off a mental breakdown. When he feels so appreciated he doesn’t know what to do with himself anymore. 

Medkit, as always, seems to catch onto this. “You don’t have to say anything, love.” He presses a kiss into Subspace’s forehead, and then kisses his lips. “I’m always going to be here when you need me, okay? Just remember that.”

Subspace clicks their horns together again before falling fully to Medkit’s hold. His head is fuzzy, and he’s tired from the events of today. He can feel Medkit’s stubby tail wagging from where his hands are on his back, and it's enough to kickstart a purr of his own. Medkit’s purr gets louder in response.

Medkit’s face curls into a rare and small smile. “I love you, darling.”

Subspace is almost too tired to respond, but he tries for an “I love you too” anyways (It more resembles incoherent mumbling, but Medkit never seems to mind it).

“Goodnight love.”

Subspace is already snoring.