Archive of Our Own ^beta

don't call it stupid;

The highway connecting Figure Eight and the Cut stretched endlessly before Sarah's headlights. She pushed the gas pedal deeper, desperate to leave the darkness behind. She needed to be somewhere safe, where Ward couldn't stare at her as if he didn't recognize his daughter, where Rafe didn't haunt each corner of the house, looking like he wanted to murder her for the choices she made, and where Topper didn't show up to try and win her back for something that wasn't real in the first place.

Sarah needed a place where she could breathe.

There was a canopy of stars above her, Figure Eight growing smaller in the distance, the Cut now all she could see. Sarah held the steering wheel tightly, trying not to get off the road. But the world blurred at the edges as panic grasped at her lungs, holding on in a bruising grip. Her chest was on fire as if she were burning from the inside, and her hands began to shake. She gritted her teeth as the ache expanded, moving to her wrists, her arms, her shoulders, like a wildfire that spread vastly.

It threatened to consume her, and Sarah choked on a sob as she turned left.

The branches of the trees seemed daunting, like arms trying to reach out and grab her, as if Ward was still pushing her into those officers' arms to keep her from running off with her friends, as if Rafe still ran after her, grappling her to force her to stay with their family. Sarah was even reminded of Rose sternly keeping her in place before she could embarrass them in front of other Kooks at whatever fancy yacht party they attended by getting drunk.

(That didn't stop Sarah from getting drunk, anyway.)

The road transitioned from asphalt to dirt, but Sarah didn't notice. Her car shook as she drove along the bumpy path, and that's when Sarah realized she had never been to the Cut with her car before. She preferred to drive on her bicycle most days, but it was already dark when she left, and Sarah needed to get there fast.

Thankfully, the Chateau finally came into view. Driving there felt like a lifetime. Sarah's entire body trembled when she parked her car and turned off the engine, leaving her to sit in complete silence. She had never heard it this loud before, and she felt like she was choking. Sarah managed to open the driver's door, stumbling out as she almost lost her footing in the grass. She clutched the door to keep herself upright, air fighting to get into her lungs.

But it was no use.

Her knees buckled, and Sarah landed on the ground, unable to stand. She was too weak. Her body ached from keeping it together, and a sob tore through her breathlessness. She couldn't tell if the world was on fire or if she was heating up by herself. Everything was somehow gone, dulled to a dark shade of grey. Her breath came in short gasps.

"Sarah?"

She barely registered the voice, too caught in the dark cloud that threatened to swallow her whole. And on a cloudless night no less. She wanted to cry.

"Whoa, hey—" Sarah thought she imagined JJ's soothing voice, but then it got closer, fighting its way through the haze. "Sarah?"

The dim front porch light highlighted his silhouette, and his eyes narrowed in concern as he stepped closer, gleaming in the moonlight when he crouched beside her. Sarah could barely see through unshed tears; the entire world blended into a smudge of pain.

"I—I can't—I—" Sarah gasped as everything turned faster and somehow slower at the same time.

Her throat was closing, and Sarah shook her head. She squeezed her eyes shut, willing it to go away, but it only worsened. JJ shifted to be at eye level with her and reached for her hands. His touch was gentle, but Sarah barely felt it.

"Hey, look at me, Sarah," he said softly.

She forced her eyes open. JJ was close, his blue eyes steady and calm—the opposite of what Sarah felt right now.

"You're safe," he murmured, squeezing her hands. "You're here. Just focus on me, alright?"

Sarah tried, but the fear still crawled through her veins as if to settle in. She blinked. Once. Twice. JJ was still there, looking at her with worry in his eyes. She didn't like the fact that she had put it there. And before she knew it, guilt gnawed at her insides now, too.

"I—sorry, this is stupid—" she choked out. "I don't know—I don't know what happened. I was fine, I was at home—then I just, it just happened, and—I—"

"Hey, Sarah, stop," JJ interrupted, his voice firm yet gentle. "Don't do that, okay? Don't call it stupid."

Sarah swallowed, her breathing still shaky, her heart still in her throat. JJ reached out with one hand, gently wiping away her tears. The world seemed less bleary now, his touch grounding her.

"It doesn't matter what happened. You're allowed to feel things, Sarah. It's not stupid, alright? So, don't downplay it."

The look she gave him felt like a punch to his gut. Sarah blinked, her eyebrows drawing together as if she had never been told her feelings were valid. JJ's heart squeezed painfully, his grip on her hand tightening.

"Here's what we're gonna do," JJ explained quietly. "We breathe. We'll do it together, alright?"

It sounded so stupid. Sarah hated that she made him do this. But then—Don't call it stupid. His words rang in her head, and she focused on that. She managed to nod. JJ immediately got to work, breathing deeply in an exaggerated way to fill his chest with air. Sarah tried to imitate it, but it caught halfway, her lungs burning.

"It's okay. We'll try again, slowly. We got all the time in the world."

When she tried again, she got a little more air in.

"There you go," JJ encouraged her with a smile, rubbing slow circles on the back of her hand, still holding her face with the other. "See? Now we'll do another one."

JJ guided her through each inhale and exhale until the tightness in her chest started to ease. The world spun back to normal again, and Sarah didn't have to squint anymore to make sense of everything. She became more aware of JJ's touch, still grounding her.

"You back with me?" he asked softly, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

Sarah only managed to nod.

"Good."

He kept holding her. Even though it was the middle of the night, and they sat there in the dirt, surrounded by darkness and mosquitos. JJ had wanted to smoke a cigarette on the front porch when sleep never came. But then Sarah had arrived, and the unused cigarette was forgotten, mindlessly thrown aside, as his feet immediately moved toward her without thinking.

JJ didn't ask to go inside. He didn't crack a joke or say anything to make her feel like he wanted to go now. There was no rush in the way he looked at her. JJ let her be, silently waiting for her to catch up with the world again.

"Thank you, Jayj," Sarah murmured.

JJ tilted his head, his eyes changing just then. With only the moonlight highlighting his face now, she caught the warmth in his gaze. There was still a hint of worry, but mostly relief. Her heart skipped a beat.

"Anytime, princess."

She breathed a laugh, and JJ grinned in victory. It wasn't what Sarah had expected when she got in her car and drove there. To be honest, most of the ride was lost on her. She remembered bits and pieces, but it was vague. Only JJ's reassuring words and his gentle touch stayed in her mind. And when JJ asked her if she could stand, keeping his hand in hers to help her up, she was glad he was the one who found her.