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“GAH!” Gru yelled as his nemesis and rival, Maxime Le Mal, almost shot him with his laser gun. Here they were, fighting in an alley of some city whose name he really couldn’t remember. He couldn’t believe it. This was the third time that cockroach idiot escaped from prison. He really needed to have a talk with Ramsbottom about upgrading the prison’s security. Hell. Maybe he should help them with that. Better safe than sorry, right?
As he dodged another attack, Maxime laughed and said, “What is zhe matter, Gruser? Is your body fat making you tired?! HAHAHA!”
Gru frowned as he angrily called out, “Hey! First off, my body is beautiful! And second, I don’t think you should be criticizing my physique, Mr. Body-Horror!” He pointed at his enemy’s insect exoskeleton and then pulled out his weapon.
The AVL agent began shooting at Maxime, but the Frenchman combined his wings, speed, and agility to evade all the attacks and charge towards Gru. The bespectacled villain managed to land a punch that sent Gru to a concrete wall. The agent groaned in pain as he slowly recovered from the impact. Then he gasped as Maxime pinned him on the wall by holding his wrist.
“Nowhere to run now.” The villain chuckled.
Gru began to sweat; he tried to look for a way out… And suddenly, he smirked as he replied, “Oh no! I am so scared!” He snarked, “Oh, I am sooo frightened as I am ALL alone with no one to help me.”
Maxime raised an eyebrow, but hearing the way the egghead talked and how he wasn’t looking at him, cockroach man realized something…that the cavalry had arrived. And he was proven right when a redhead woman with green eyes and a blue trench coat appeared behind him and said…
“Hey, please step away from my husband before I crush your bones to dust.”
“What?” Maxime asked in a flat tone.
To his shock, Agent Lucy Wilde grabbed him by his chest and used her strength to body-slam him against the cold, hard concrete of the road.
“That was for my Gru-Gru.” She exclaimed in a furious tone.
Then, she began to strike him across his face, each attack coming with more and more force than the last one.
“And that was for kidnapping my baby!” she continued.
Later, she kicked him in the groin, making the Frenchman yell in pain. Lucy took this opportunity to kick him again, and this time, she sent her husband’s arch nemesis flying into a tree.
“Transforming him into a disgusting cockroach!”
And with the finishing touch, she pulled out her lipstick taser to electrocute Maxime at high level.
Maxime was in too much pain to do or say anything; his vision became blurry, and in a few seconds, his world went black.
As he began to recover, Maxime noticed two things: 1. He was no longer in his cockroach form. And 2. He was cuffed. He looked around and saw he was in a plane… His enemy and his wife were there, too. He came to a conclusion: they were going to take him back to the AVL prison. Great. Just great.
The bald agent looked behind and grinned when he saw his rival recovering consciousness. “Well, look who’s finally awake! Did you sleep well?” he mocked.
“Oh, very funny, Gruser.” Maxime snarked, “Wow, I am laughing so hard! You must be a comedian in your free time.”
“Hey! He tells really good jokes.” Lucy said defensively, “So, how does it feel for an “oh-so-great villain” like you to get beaten by an unstoppable team like us! HAH?” She looked at him with a nasty look on her face.
That type of attitude was definitely uncharacteristic for Gru’s wife. The bald agent sighed as he clarified, “As you can see, she’s still mad at you for kidnapping our baby that time. She had wanted to beat you up ever since but didn’t get the chance to. The first and second time.”
Lucy nodded, “The second time I was doing a solo mission in Ohio… But yeah! And just so we’re clear, if you ever come near my kids again, I will kill you! Got it.”
Maxime grumbled, and Lucy took that as a yes. Then, the redhead agent felt petty and decided to pester the French nerd a little bit more.
“Oh! What is this that I got in my hand? Is this a cockroach-themed phone?” She said as she held up a phone with a green carcass and golden cockroaches design in it.
“Wha-Hey! Zhat is mine!” Maxime shouted indignantly.
“Not anymore. We’re confiscating it. You can have it back once you’re out of prison. And that’ll be in a few 10 years.” Lucy proudly exclaimed.
Gru laughed wholeheartedly, “HAHAHA! Good one, honey!”
As Maxime began muttering some French expletives under his breath, Gru noticed something on his enemy’s neck. The bespectacled villain noticed how Gru was staring at him; it annoyed him.
“What, Gruser? You have something to say?” he challenged.
“You’ve something on your neck.” Gru said as he narrowed his eyes.
“Huh?”
Gru got up from his seat and inspected Maxime’s neck; his eyes widened as he realized what those things were. “Are those… hickeys?!”
The Frenchman gasped as his face went red as a tomato, “N-No! A-A-Absolutely not! Y-You’re trying to make fun of me!”
“Oh my god! Those are hickeys!” Gru said as he began to laugh, “Wow, and here I thought your sex life was almost non-existent!”
“Kinda like yours, Mon Ami!” Maxime snapped back, which made the agent couple look at him with frowns on their faces.
“We do have a steady sex life, for your information, thank you very much. We have se—”
“LUCY?!” Gru shouted, interrupting her.
The redhead agent winced, “Oof. Sorry, too much?”
Gru sighed as he turned to Maxime, “So, Valentina likes to bite, huh?”
The once embarrassed expression on Maxime Le Mal’s face turned into a nasty scowl as he hissed, “Don’t you ever mention that bitch’s name, again.”
This made Gru look at him in surprise; Maxime sighed as he somberly looked away.
“We broke up. She cheated on me.”
Gru winced, feeling pity for his school rival. “Sorry to hear that.”
“That’s okay. I found someone better who appreciates me.” The Frenchman chuckled as he blushed.
Gru looked at him in disbelief; after a moment or two, he grinned as he said, “Wow, and I suppose she gets really affectionate with you, huh?”
“He. Actually.”
This caught the former villain by surprise until he remembered his high school days and how his rival’s behavior toward other boys seemed…weird to him.
“I didn’t know you were into boys.” He mentally slapped himself; that was a rude and stupid thing to say to someone, even to his own nemesis.
“Yeah. Me neither. I mean—! I… I never actually liked girls. Val and I were never really in…love with each other. I knew I was gay before, but I was—hey! Wait a moment! Why am I telling you about my personal life?! We are enemies, for crying out loud! I—!”
And then he got interrupted by some music playing. The two men looked at Lucy, who was holding the cause of the noise. She stood there awkwardly.
“Um, someone’s calling you.” She said as she looked at Maxime, “Someone called Mon Amour.”
Maxime gasped as he yelled, “Don’t even think about answering you—”
And much to his luck, Lucy unintentionally pressed the answer button, and since the phone was already in “on speaker” mode, a voice was heard over the phone.
“Hey Max, it’s me…”
The married couple instantly recognized that familiar, annoying voice. It belonged to another scumbag who put their kids in danger. Balthazar Bratt.
“Are you listening? Are you there? Ugh! I seriously don’t know how to use these things! I can’t believe you convinced me to give them a try!”
Gru looked at his rival and mouthed, ‘Bratt?'. Meanwhile, Maxime had a feeling of dread in his chest as he heard his boyfriend on the other line.
“Okay, given how you’re not responding to me, I’m going to assume that you’re not available. So, I’ll leave a message.”
“Oh no…” Maxime could only mutter in a quiet tone.
“Okay, so I wanted to ask, how’s my little whore doing? I hope you’re doing great. I just wanted you to know I robbed the bank, so we won’t have to worry about running out of money. I also wanted to say… You better get ready, slut! Because once you come home, I’m gonna ride you so hard, you won’t be able to walk anymore. Along with making you scream my name until you can’t even remember yours.”
Maxime blushed furiously as he felt his soul was about to leave his body.
“Without you it gets lonely, and you know what happens when I get lonely…” Bratt said in a low, mischievous tone.
“Oh god…” Maxime and Gru swore under their breath as they knew what was going to happen.
“When I get lonely, I get hungry… And when I get hungry, I want to [Bleep] and do [Bleep] making you act like a [Bleep] I can’t control myself I want to [Bleep] your [Bleep] and [Bleep]” After a brief silence, Bratt spoke again, “In other words, I love you, and I can’t wait to cuddle with my favorite, Lovebug. Bye!” And then he hung up.
The three stood there, in silence. None of them knew what to say. Gru was too much in shock to even tease Maxime. When Lucy was about to speak, her husband spoke.
“Let’s never talk about this again.”
“Agreed.” Lucy and Maxime said in unison.
And with that, they decided that after taking Maxime to the AVL prison, they were going after Bratt next, because they were not going to risk the former 80s child star and the cockroach man doing anything nasty on the plane.