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After "the incident" (as he has taken to calling it inside his head), it had taken Wonwoo several weeks to even begin to think about making changes to his spacing routine, let alone consider going to therapy.
He, as well as the rest of the group, had put all of his physical and mental energy into (safely) pushing through the rest of the comeback, and when it was finally over, they had called a serious sit-down meeting with their managers and company executives to discuss their schedule and risk of burn out.
Seungcheol, along with the support of the others, had stated in no uncertain terms that they required an immediate reduction in their workload for the sake of their health, safety, and happiness, both as individuals and as dynamic partners. Since many staff members had been present when Wonwoo unexpectedly dropped during practice, the company had been anticipating such a request and were shockingly prepared to be respectful and accommodating.
Since then, they had experienced a noticeable improvement in their schedules, and, in turn, their relationships. They were still very busy people, but not so busy that they felt like they were unable to meet their dynamic needs or enjoy life together.
With more free time, Wonwoo had found himself playing video games, watching movies, and going on dates with his partners more than he had in years. He had also felt a reduction in stress about his submission just because he and Mingyu were able to take their time more during scenes. It was nice to not always feel like sceneing was something to simply check off his list, but rather something to enjoy.
However, just because there had been some general improvements didn't mean that the foundation of Wonwoo's issues had changed.
The group had revamped their buddy system a few days after "the incident" in hopes of preventing such a thing from happening again, and the lessened work load had certainly helped, but Wonwoo couldn't say with full honesty that he believed he was out of the woods yet as far as dynamic related problems were concerned.
At the end of the day, he still felt a lot of shame surrounding being a sub, and that would inevitably continue to cause problems for him if he didn't do something about it. He hated that, even after the best scenes with Mingyu, he still felt a tinge of guilt in the back of his mind. A part of him clung onto the ideal of full independence even though dynamic relationships were inherently built upon support and mutual care.
So, despite the positive changes, his dynamic relationship with his partners hadn't changed all that much. He still only went down for Mingyu (since the other man had not traveled again since the last time), and he still kept himself quite restrained during scenes, always too nervous to ask for what he deemed to be "too much". It was still enjoyable, but he couldn't deny that it was unsustainable.
After a few weeks of this, his mind had returned to the somewhat dreaded topic that Seokmin had brought up during their group meeting: therapy. He had allowed himself not to think about it for a while, simply because he had been busy and hadn't had the mental energy to consider something that made him so uncomfortable, but soon that excuse had disappeared as their schedules lightened up.
Along with enjoying their newfound free time, he had spent hours sitting in his room staring at the wall, an always changing stream of emotions roiling inside of him: annoyance at Seokmin for bringing up such a thing, frustration with himself for agreeing to consider it, shame about needing support, fear about what might happen in therapy, and anger at himself for being born a sub in the first place.
He had emerged from that process no less nervous but resigned to the fact that he did, indeed, need help. He wanted to spend the rest of his life in a happy and healthy relationship with his partners, and he had decided that the potential discomfort of therapy was worth it to help make that happen.
Biting the bullet, Wonwoo had approached Hansol and asked for the contact information for his therapist. Luckily, Hansol had managed to keep the whole situation very low-key, not feeling the need to tell the others or make a big deal out of things. He had simply given Wonwoo the phone number with a small smile and a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder, something Wonwoo was immensely grateful for. He wasn't sure if he could have actually taken the next step if it had been accompanied by lots of (well-meaning) emotional fanfare from his partners.
After that it had all been shockingly easy.
The therapist, whose office specialized in the discreet treatment of high-profile clients, had been able to schedule him quickly and Wonwoo had found himself in Dr. Kang's office in less than two weeks.
The first few sessions had certainly been difficult, but as the weeks went by, Wonwoo had very slowly been able to open up as his trust in Dr. Kang grew. They had talked about things that Wonwoo would have never imagined being able to discuss with another person, like the way submissives were treated in his home growing up, his own feelings about his submission, and even his submissive desires that he had been too ashamed to admit, even to himself.
Together they (unsuprisingly) discovered that Wonwoo had been repressing. A lot.
The way he was currently interacting with submission was just scratching the surface of what he actually wanted and needed. At first, that had been hard for Wonwoo to accept, but when he really thought about it, he couldn't deny how true it was or the fact that he didn't want to live that way any longer. So, he and Dr. Kang had developed a plan to slowly expand his current sceneing routine to include more of the things he had been holding back.
That's how Wonwoo found himself here, standing behind his bedroom door, trying to work up the courage to go outside and eat dinner. Normally, eating a meal with his partners was not something that made him afraid to leave his room, quite the opposite actually. But this was not going to just be a normal dinner, at least, not if Wonwoo's plans were successful.
After a few baby steps during scenes with Mingyu, he had now reached the point in his and Dr. Kang's plan where he needed to go out of his comfort zone in a way that involved the whole group. Now, ideally he would have communicated this with them before just going ahead and doing it, but for some reason that felt much too hard, so Wonwoo was just planning to wing it.
One of the things he had discussed with Dr. Kang was his desire to be submissive in more everyday situations. He had always secretly wished he could fully express himself as a sub in his personal life, even though his feelings of shame usually prevented him from doing so. Well, up until today.
It wasn't uncommon for the other subs and switches to outwardly assert their submission, and even go down, whenever the group was together in their free time (even if they weren't having a group scene). Soonyoung would demand to be fed by one of the doms during dinner, Joshua would slowly slip during movie night, and Jun would excuse himself from participating in games just so he could lay his head in Minghao's lap. It was a norm that Wonwoo craved to be a part of.
So, after some brainstorming, he had decided that tonight he would kneel while the others sat at the dinner table. It was undeniably a big step, but he knew that both he and his partners would really enjoy it. The only remaining problem was actually getting himself there.
With a deep breath, he raised a sweaty hand and opened his bedroom door.
Jun had annouced that dinner was ready a few minutes ago, so by the time he reached the kitchen table, almost everyone was already there. He was pleased to see that there was a chair still available between Mingyu and Seungcheol, making his plans somewhat easier.
Initially he had intended to go straight to kneeling at the beginning of dinner, but when faced with the prospect of walking straight up to the table and actually kneeling down, he decided that he needed to ease himself into the situation a bit first.
He sat down in the empty chair just as Jun started to serve up the large pot of noodles that was surrounded by nearly a dozen side dishes. A chorus of thanks went around the table and the 13 hungry men dug into their evening meal.
For a moment, he allowed himself just to enjoy the noodles and listen to the pleasant chattering of his partners, momentarily forgetting about what he planned to do next. He laughed when Chan said something funny and passed around side dishes when the others asked for them.
It was only when he noticed Mingyu's almost-empty bowl of noodles that he realized he needed to get on with it. After a few more seconds' hesitation, he stood up and walked over to the basket of kneeling cushions in the corner of the living room. The conversation slowly came to a halt as he returned and the rest of the members stopped to look at him.
He took one more deep breath before placing the cushion on the floor and kneeling down between Mingyu and Seungcheol.
For a moment, you could hear a pin drop.
When the members realized that Wonwoo was not going to independently offer an explanation for his out-of-character behavior, Seungcheol took it upon himself to speak. Clearing his throat, he hesitantly asked, "Wonwoo, what are you doing?" Given Wonwoo's history over the past few months, nobody wanted to show any signs of criticism towards his submission, but the members couldn't help the shocked expressions on their faces.
"I'm kneeling," Wonwoo stated, finding it hard to provide a more complete explanation. There was a moment of silence as they waited for him to go on. "I see that," Seungcheol continued when Wonwoo didn't speak, "Do you want to tell us more about that?"
Wonwoo kept his eyes on the floor. "I'm working on allowing myself to be more submissive during daily life as a part of my therapy," he explained, "I've always wanted to try this, and I guess I thought now would be an ok time."
Seungcheol and Mingyu shared a knowing look. "Of course it's an ok time," Mingyu reassured, "We were all just a bit surprised. Do you... do you want to go down now?"
"No," Wonwoo responded quickly, "I just want to kneel."
Small smiles spread across the two doms' faces. "Ok, baby. Thank you for telling us. Do you want to have your bowl down there or do you want us to feed you," Seungcheol asked, internally giddy that they were even having this conversation.
Wonwoo blushed. "You could feed me. I mean, if that's alright," he whispered.
"It's more than alright darling," Mingyu replied, scooping up some noodles with his chopsticks and bringing them down to Wonwoo's mouth. Wonwoo chewed slowly and enjoyed the savory flavor of the sauce while Migyu brought him a sip of water.
The table remained in shocked silence for a few more moments before a grin broke out across Jeonghan's face. "I'm proud of you Wonwoo-yah," he stated. The others echoed the same sentiment. Wonwoo simply blushed again and looked at the floor, causing Jeonghan and some of the others to giggle.
That seemed to break the tension and the rest of the meal continued with the usual conversation and laughter. All the while, Seungcheol and Mingyu carefully fed Wonwoo, taking occasional breaks to brush through his hair and give him praise, just enough to feel supportive but not so much that it sent him down.
Throughout the meal, Seungkwan found his eyes inexplicably glued to Wonwoo. Despite his best efforts to keep up with the flow of conversation, he couldn't tear himself away from the scene of gentle domesticity occurring in front of him.
"Seungkwan-ah, just go and get a pillow already," Hansol interrupted with a chuckle a few minutes later.
"What do you mean?" he replied defensively.
"I mean you're practically drooling looking at Wonwoo-hyung right now. Go get a pillow and you can kneel for me too," Hansol said with a slight smirk. Seungkwan glared at him. He sometimes hated how in tune his dom was with him. It was like he never had any secrets.
"Fine," Seungkwan huffed, standing and walking over to grab a cushion. He returned and petulantly dropped to his knees next to Hansol. "Don't pretend this isn't what you wanted," Hansol teased, reaching out to stroke Seungkwan's hair. He simply huffed and rested his head on Hansol's knee.
Only a few minutes later, he was totally blissed out and nearly falling asleep. Being read like an open book wasn't always such a bad thing.
After they were all finished eating and chatting, Jihoon and Soonyoung offered to do the dishes while Seungcheol and Hansol took Wonwoo and Seungkwan into the living room. Seungkwan almost immediately fell asleep in Hansol's lap and Wonwoo leaned heavily against Seungcheol's side. The two carried on a quiet conversation as the others trickled into the room.
"I'm so proud of you Wonwoo-yah," Seungcheol whispered, "You really are amazing."
"Thanks hyung," Wonwoo whispered back, nuzzling his head into the crook of Seungcheol's neck. "Please don't ever hesitate to do that again," Seungcheol said with a slight smile, "I can't even begin to tell you what you do to me as a dom." Wonwoo gave an exasperated huff and shook his head against Seungcheol's neck. The older man chuckled in response.
When everyone had gathered in the living room, Joshua pulled up an episode of their favorite baking show on the TV. Wonwoo felt himself slowly drift off to sleep.