Chapter Text
So as it turns out, raising a baby is sooooo much fucking easier than he thought it would be. It’s not like Joker ever actually planned for parenthood, but he’s heard his fair share of horror stories so it’s not like he’s completely uninformed…
Though if his ghostly roommates are to be believed, his special little baby is a weird one. He doesn’t cry or scream as often as he supposedly should, he’s babbling in an imitation of words much younger than he’s supposed to, and he’s too quiet! He seems to prefer sitting in the corner and watching Joker do random stuff rather than play with the toys he stole for him.
Which is more than fine with him! If Danny had been a normal, standard baby there’s no doubt this parenting business wouldn’t be going nearly as smoothly as it is. The kid’s weird, no doubts about it, but Joker’s not exactly a paragon for normality! Danny can be however he wants to be.
Though that doesn’t mean it isn’t still a learning curve. Like what babies need to eat, and how long they should sleep for, and how to change the nappies and what do you mean he can’t go out tonight? Danny’s already GOT babysitters in the form of his unwanted ghostly house infestation!!
Apparently, ghosts don’t count as proper babysitters. Ugh! How is he supposed to keep Batsy’s attention when his weird little baby requires so much of his?! He sure doesn’t look like he needs to be watched this much! He’s a smart kid, and Mrs Lacy can pick up objects. Why can’t she feed the mini-bat while he’s out?!
Yeah, a learning curve. But they’re figuring it out! No need to call child protective services, Danny’s perfectly fine~
Joker’s totally got this shit!
He goes out and steals more important things to turn his hideout into something closer to a home. An actual bed, kitchen stuff, and an expensive flat screen TV no one’s gonna miss except the cops (but who cares about them?) He pimps out an old storage room into a proper baby housing unit! With a crib and toys and plenty of sunlight! Babies are like plants, right? They need sun to grow? Yeah, that’s probably how it works.
Danny seems to like it anyway, especially at night. Fuck yeah, Joker’s doing a good job!
Still, while he’s managing to find more time to attend his Batsy duties, he still doesn’t have the same freedom he did before. Sometimes, he has to stay home with Danny, and when that happens…
He starts building roller coasters. You know, as a hobby. Everyone has those right? Why can’t he build a theme park in his hideout?
He studies how they’re built, the construction codes they have to follow for safety, even takes an online engineering class or two under an alias. And soon enough he’s building a twisty turvy rollercoaster… much to The Joker Victims Book Club’s chagrin.
Oh well, if they don’t like it they can go haunt somewhere else! This is HIS hideout dammit!! If he wants to build dodgy amusement rides and put up fairy lights he damn well can!
Sure, he has to expand the building’s base structure to fit the new additions, but the place is getting cramped anyway. If he didn’t do something about it he might develop claustrophobia!! You know, the crippling fear of Santa Claus.
And Danny, as is becoming usual, watches and observes in silence. He’s like Batman in that way, observing silently… but he’s way less stern and dour than his Batsy is! Probably because he’s a baby? Probably because he’s half-Joker?… Who knows. At least he’s happy like that, so hey it works out for everyone!
If only he could get his murder statistics down… but no. If anything it’s getting worse!! With Batman on one end and Danny on the other, it slips his mind even more often!! It’s the fucking worst, because they keep SHOWING UP!! Dammit! Why’s he so fucking bad at not killing people?? His poor snack drawer…
At least he has Danny. The little boy is a delight! He doesn’t find Joker unnerving or weird, doesn’t cringe when he laughs or leave when he rambles about Batsy for too long… he’s just… a good kid. It’s like he enjoys Joker’s company or something! But that can’t be it, no one likes Joker.
But that’s fine with him, he doesn’t need anyone to like him! Batman doesn’t have to like him, he just has to pay attention and play the game, join in the dance~
Either way, it’s working! Batman’s never been this popular before, and his approval ratings are only going up!--
“Will you tell us where Danny came from now?” Jimmy asks reluctantly, clearly put up to it by the other older ghosts. What, did they think sending a teenager to ask him about that was going to make him spill the beans? How’s that expected to work?
“I already told you where he came from, it’s not my fault you don’t believe me!” He scoffs, putting down the soldering iron in favour of picking up the baby and putting him in his lap. “I pushed this little gremlin out of my body, between my own loins, isn’t that right Danny?”
“Yeh!”
“See? Case closed.”
“He’s a baby!” Great, Karen’s inserting herself into the conversation now. Fuck. “The poor thing can’t even understand what you’re saying!” Is it too late to call an exorcist? “He’s the most unreliable source there is, and everyone knows you didn’t give birth to him! That’s complete nonsense!”
“Unless Joker’s been trans this whole time.” Jimmy pipes up, and everyone immediately stops whatever they’re doing to stare at him incredulously. “What? He’d have the proper plumbing to make Danny if he is! Just… just sayin’…”
Well, seeing Karen splutter and the pink of her eyes flare like that is pretty funny at least. But Joker’s already done with this conversation- he was done with it before it even began! He turns his focus to Danny again, ignoring the complete pandemonium the Ghosts are starting at Jimmy’s crackpot theory.
He doesn’t care what they think, he’ll commit to this lie for as long as possible! Whatever it takes, no one can know where Danny actually came from. Not if he has anything to say about it!
And he does have a say, so he is. Simple as that.
“Want to watch me put in my hair gel again?” The boy nods quietly, once again completely proving that he has developed a grasp on the English language! At least a rudimentary enough one to understand it. He has only had exposure and context to work with, so far. Joker hasn’t exactly sat down and walked him through the grammar or anything… the kid isn’t even one yet.
… Karen doesn’t know shit! That’s why Mrs Lacy is the one in charge of the book club.
“Want a toy with you?” He asks as he stands up, carrying little Danny over to the cardboard box with Danny’s Contraband written on the side in sharpie. “To keep you company?”
Danny squints at the box with an adorably serious look, and Joker wonders if that’s what Batsy looks like when he’s frowning in concentration during their dances… only with less baby fat, that man has the chisled jawline of a greek fucking God!! Eventually, a tiny hand reaches into the box and pulls out the lollipop shaped plastic rattle, painted like a unicorn threw up on it.
“Oooo, good taste!” Danny shakes his rattle in celebration, making a loud obnoxious noise with it as Joker carries him towards the bathroom. “I’m running out of gel I think. I should have enough to hide my curls tonight though, so that’s gonna be a tomorrow problem!”
Danny blinks at him, large blue eyes focused and attentive… and Joker’s not used to anyone listening to him for this long! He can feel that age old anxiety, that need to fill the silence with something, welling up inside him. Urging him to keep talking on and on despite not having anything substantial to say.
“Your other parent’s seen my curls before… probably. I’m not sure if he has or not actually, but still! I’m not making my mystery easy for him!! Who says he can have a monopoly on secret identities in Gotham anyway, huh? Yeah, you know what I’m talking about!”
He closes the toilet seat and tosses a folded up towel on it, sitting Danny on top of it before swooshing over to his sink with wide flamboyant movements. A little performance for the mini-bat! “I was falling when he may or may not have seen my natural hair, and it was a different colour then! Your Daddy’s branding himself like some kind of detective, my real name’s gotta be his most difficult secret to find, you see? It’ll catch his attention eventually!”
Danny responds with some nonsensical rattle-morse-code, and Joker grabs his hair gel bottle out of the cupboard before looking over to the baby. It’s only been a few months and he’s getting so big already… is that a liminal baby thing? Or do all babies grow like that?
“He hasn’t looked into it yet because he’s so focused on catching me! But I’m sure he will someday, and when he does? I’m going to leave him baffled!” He tugs off his gloves with a grin, the rattle silent as Danny waits for him to continue. He squirts the gel into his palm and starts applying it to his hair, smoothing down his curls in his now-iconic slicked back style. “That’s the thing with Heroes, Danny. Without a Villain there’s no reason for them to exist! Your Daddy was trying to play a losing game before I showed up, I have to keep him interested!”
Applying a second round of gel, he looks over to see Danny looking back at him with a thoughtful tilt of his head. Awww, that’s so cute!!
“Other Villains are starting to pop up, they’re taking his attention! And… sure, that’s what I wanted. It’s what I was aiming for! Making Batman an accepted and welcomed Hero… but that doesn’t mean I’m giving up my number one spot!”
Washing his hands and sighing at the useless amount of gel left in the bottle, he throws it in the trash before slipping his gloves back on, walking over to pick up Danny again with a wide (some would call manic) grin.
“It’s a complicated relationship, Danny. The connection between Hero and Villain… but I’m sure that’s something you won’t have to worry about! Hahahaha!!”
He flounces out of the bathroom, skipping and bouncing his little baby as he goes.
Nah, Danny won’t need to worry about that kind of stuff for a long time! But Joker? Oh yeah, his biggest concern is Batman.
… And whenever Danny starts crawling. That too… whenever that comes is going to be pure chaos!!