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if i ever were to lose you, i'd surely lose myself

Summary:

“You are a good person to have such strong morality and acknowledgment of your mistakes, Blue. Many people lack that…but I’ve noticed, you blame yourself for things outside of your control. Guilt eats you up, and one day that may destroy you, like it did me.”

OR
The messy healing process.

-
The sequel to "Left Behind." Takes place about 3 years in the future. Would recommend reading that first.

Notes:

It's been over a year since I completed "Left Behind." Buckle up.

Title from "Future Days" from TLOU soundtrack. I thought it was very fitting

If a chapter has specific warnings, I will put them in the END notes of that chapter to avoid spoilers.

Also, though the other turtles + April ARE in this, it's minimal since this is supposed to be about Leo's healing. If you prefer ROTTMNT fanfics where each one of them play a significant role, I would recommend the first part to this, "Left Behind," but not this one.
(But also, if you're here and haven't already read the first part... what are you doing?)

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: Birthday Wishes

Chapter Text

August 7th, 2021. 1:03 A.M. New York City.

 

Cassandra Jones moved around people and buildings unnoticed until she reached the closest sewer entrance to the lair. It used to be gross, but she had gotten used to it.

It was Leonardo’s 17th birthday, but that wasn’t why she was visiting. Besides, she knew how much Leo hated acknowledging his birthday. She didn’t know much about Donatello, but she knew it was the third birthday Leo would have to go through without his twin.

No, she was visiting because she had news. Big news.

She had been friends with Leo for about 2 years. They met when Leo was trying to find all the Foot Clan members and figure out where Draxum was. If she hadn’t quit a few months back, then she would’ve ended up dead like the rest of the clan.

She was sad to hear about her bosses deaths, but she quit for a reason. Plus, after hearing Leo’s story, she understood why he killed them.

They had worked with Draxum. They had helped him. They gave him a place to hide when Leo was hunting him. And they didn’t give up what that place was.

So frankly, Casey didn’t care all that much. She would’ve done the same if her entire family got murdered by him.

She related to Leo. Understood him. That’s what made them friends.

Oh, and Mayhem liked her. If Mayhem trusts somebody, then Leo will trust them too.

She had sent a text to Leo that she’d be coming over, so as she approached the lair entrance, she didn’t have to worry about security.

As she walked in she immediately noticed Splinter sitting in his usual chair in the living room. The TV was playing a sitcom, but she knew he wasn’t really watching it.

“Hey, Splints,” she greeted.

“Hello, Cassandra,” he replied, a small smile on his face. It didn’t reach his eyes, though. It was hard to believe that he once was the legendary Lou Jitsu who had fought so ferociously for Big Mama.

It was hard to believe, but not impossible. He had lost himself and 3/4 of his sons. No wonder he was just a hallowed-out shell.

Casey headed to the atrium where, sure enough, Leo sat. He was reapplying his black wraps over his arms, not paying much attention to the sleeping Mayhem on his shoulders.

She sat down next to him in a blue beanbag. That was the only beanbag she was allowed to sit in. He never stated the reason why, but Casey had a feeling it had to do with his brothers.

“Have you heard that Hueso got into another fight with his brother?” She asked to start a conversation. She’d rather not spring the big news on him immediately.

He finished wrapping his arm and looked up. “What’s it about this time?”

“Something about stealing jewels, who knows. But speaking of Hueso, he was wondering if you’d be free to babysit sometime?”

Leo readjusted his sitting position, stretching out his arms. “Depends when. I’ll talk to him tomorrow, I guess.”

“Sunita got accepted into the college she wanted, too.”

“Yeah, she texted me about it.” He hesitated before speaking again. “Casey, not that it’s not lovely to speak to you, but you know today’s hard for me. So if you just came here to gossip, then…”

“I know where Draxum is,” she blurted.

Leo’s face instantly turned stern, his eyes urging her to continue.

“I’m not positive,” she hurried out. “But I got some good entail. In fact, there were three eye-witness accounts of seeing him.”

“Seeing him where?”

Casey sighed. The location…wasn’t exactly the easiest to get to. But she had to tell him.

“The Japanese Hidden City.”

Leo cursed under his breath, and Casey felt that. There were several undercities throughout the world, but Japan’s was one of the hardest to get into. How Draxum even made it in was beyond her.

There was no magical “key” to enter it. How you came in and out wasn’t known information either (trust her, she and Leo checked every book in the Yokai Library about the Japanese Hidden City). Casey even heard that the yokai living there usually never left.

Mayhem jumped off of Leo and headbutted Casey, who happily gave him pets. Leo was still lost in though, trying to think of a plan.

It was maybe 4 minutes before Leo broke the silence.

“There’s only one thing I can think of, but I have no clue if it’ll even work. It’s only done this once.”

“What is it?”

Leo stood up and grabbed his ōdachi that was leaning against the wall. He walked back over to Casey, displaying it to her.

“Back when… when I first got this, I used it to fight Draxum. And when I did, I accidentally… opened some kind of portal.”

“A portal? To where?”

“Well, it’s more like I opened two portals. Right on top of each other. So I didn’t really go anywhere. But…if it could do that, maybe I could learn to open a different portal. One that’ll take us to where we need to go.”

“And how exactly will you figure that out? Not that I don’t trust your abilities but like…it’s been 3 years. And you kind of failed the first time. Like, two on top of each other? Really?”

Leo rolled his eyes. “Ugh, always the pessimist, aren’t you?”

“You know me. Of course I am.”

Leo sighed and readied his sword. “Okay, uhm. Maybe if I just like…” He began drawing an invisible circle with the tip of his sword. Slowly at first, then progressively faster and faster.

Nothing happened.

“Seriously?”

“Oh give me a break, Casey! I don’t see you with any ideas on how to get there.”

Casey smirked. “Actually, while you were looking stupid, I remembered that I know a guy.”

“You ‘know a guy?’ Well then, feel free to share with the class.”

“Well, it’s a girl actually, but I like to think ‘guy’ is a gender neutral term.”

“God damn, Casey, just spit it out.”

“You’re not gonna like who it is.”

“…Who is it?”

“…Big Mama.”

Leo stared at her disbelievingly. “No.”

Casey stood up, defensive. “Dude, I remember her saying she had a device that could go to any hidden city. ANY! I hate her too but she may be our only chance here.”

“She was probably lying, Casey. Besides, her deals always have some underlying scheme.”

“Which is why we won’t make a deal.” A mischievous grin spread on her face. “We break in and steal it.”

“Casey. I cannot express enough how that is literally the worst idea imaginable. It’s Big Mama!”

“Well until you figure out how to make a portal with your magic sword, that might be our only bet.”

Leo inhaled sharply and turned around. He then proceeded to shout-whisper a list of profanities into his elbow before turning around once more.

“Fine. What’s the plan?”


August 7th, 2021. 10:38 P.M. American Hidden City.

 

Cassandra crept around Big Mama’s vault. Having seen and memorized the password ages ago, it was easy to get in. Oh, and knowing all the camera placements was an advantage, too.

Back when she was part of the Foot Clan, she’d spend a lot of her time off watching the arena fights. It didn’t make her happy, not at all, but it entertained her. Kept her from being bored.

In other words, she was familiar with Big Mama.

Mayhem sat on Casey’s shoulders, ready to teleport her to Leo if anything went wrong. Leo was look-out and a readied distraction, deciding it’d be too risky with multiple people in the vault.

Casey remembered what the item looked like. It was a small, circular teleporter. She remembered how Big Mama bragged about it at her parties. How it could create a portal to any undercity and bypass any magic security in place in them.

Obviously she could be lying, but Casey knew that it may be their only chance.

She looked through every pile in the vault. It was small, so she had to make sure she didn’t miss anything.

It wasn’t til she reached the very back of the vault did she finally found it. She picked it up and mentally cheered.

Right when the vault door began to open.

Immediately, Mayhem teleported Casey to where Leo was supposed to be at — the rooftop, looking into the window of Big Mama’s office. She shoved the teleporter in her pocket and began scanning the space, but no one was there.

She exchanged a look with Mayhem before closing her eyes and focusing on her hearing. The night air, the honking of cars, the distant sound of construction.

And voices.

Voices from inside the office.

She crept down to peer inside an open window and, sure enough, there he was, chatting with Big Mama in her… well, not human form, but, her more… presentable form.

But she was right next to the vault, with it only cracked open. It looked like Leo had done his job.

Leo leaned against the wall. He seemed relaxed, but Casey knew he was ready to fight at any moment. Since his back was facing her, there was no good way for Casey to alert Leo that she had it and was safe without alerting Big Mama as well, so instead she watched and listened.

“Has anyone ever told you it’s rude to go through somebody’s window?” Big Mama said.

“Long time no see, Big Mama. How’s business doing?”

“Oh I can’t imagine you actually care about that,” she said, heading over to her desk. “I take it you’re still trying to find Draxum?”

Leo followed her and stood beside the chairs in front of her desk. “Why? You know where he is?”

Big Mama scoffed, taking a seat. “Oh please, you know me and Draxum resent each other. I don’t know or care about his whereabouts. But I don’t think that’s what you’re here to discuss.”

“What? Can I not pay a visit to an old friend?”

“Every experience between the two of us has been nothing but the opposite of friendly. Now, you want to tell me why you’re actually here?”

Leo dropped the friendliness act. “I need to get into the Japanese Hidden City.”

“I could help with that. What will you give me in return?”

Leo was silent for a bit, thinking it over. But Big Mama was impatient.

“Don’t tell me you’ll spare my life in exchange? Mercy is a strong gift but I’m looking for something a bit more palpable.”

Leo was clearly not expecting that. “Excuse me? I’m not some bloodthirsty killer.”

“But the entire Undercity thinks you are.” She folded her hands together, placing her chin on them. “That’s why there’s ‘Wanted’ posters for you everywhere. The only places you can go to is Hueso’s and mine. You know that, don’t you? I could easily call my guards in right now to arrest you. I could easily tell the world that you are merciless and kill for no reason. But that wouldn’t be very truthful, would it?”

Big Mama stopped and waited for a response. Leo swallowed but remained silent.

“Well then, I’ll ask again. What will you give me in return for my help?”

Leo took a deep breath before answering. “Actually, I think I’ll find another way to get there.”

Casey lifted herself up to make room for Leo jumping back out the window.

Leonardo was silent the whole way back. Casey debated on asking if he wanted to talk about it, but decided it’d just make things worse.

But in her mind, she wondered what Leo used to be like. Before they met. Before his family was killed.

And she wondered if she’d ever see that Leo in this one.


December 28th, 2018. 9:14 P.M. New York City.

 

“I’ll give you one last chance. Where is Draxum?”

Before him were the two leaders of the Foot Clan, tied up. It had been a month since he discovered Draxum fled, and only a week since Leo discovered who helped him do so.

The scrawny one just glared at Leo. “We’re not telling you anything.”

Leo raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure that’s how you want to answer?”

“Yep. You’re not getting a word out of me. Besides, we’ve heard about you and your clan. You won’t kill us. You’re too soft.”

Leo inhaled and raised his ōdachi, slicing his neck quickly and successfully. He died in an instant.

Leo turned to the other one, the big one. “Well, now you know I’m not bluffing. So, will you talk?”

In the end, Leonardo left two dead bodies behind that night.

Notes:

Each chapter will *most likely* end with a small excerpt from the past, which is why I included dates and times for each section.

I hope you like it so far! I'm not sure if non-Leo fans will lmaooo

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