Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

A star.

A lone star, in the dark, unreachable sky.

He had watched this dream unfold in front of his eyes countless times, and he had memorized exactly how the scene played out. At first, the lone star shines, lonely, yes, but it will still shimmer with its golden light. After a while, a shot of red will blind his vision, and the star will shatter into pieces. Golden specks will then be splattered all over the sky, blending with the red, the forever-present red, and the familiar pain will start to pressure his chest.

No matter how many times he had braced himself for the imminent pain, he was never truly ready for the moment when his lungs were drained of their oxygen, or when his heart palpitated with the deafening beat that blurred his vision.

And after agonizing hours of suffering and clutching his chest, all his senses were suddenly be erased, and soon, the night will return to its usual, tranquil peace. But he could never truly relax, because tonight is just like any other night. Any other restless, tiring night that deprives him of his thoughts and will to continue on.

But regardless, time always moved on, and he had stopped questioning why he was still here dreaming.

With that, another day began…

“HARUMASA! TURN OFF YOUR ALARM!!”

A pillow flew from the other side of the room and hit Harumasa in the face. With a shocked yelp, Harumasa opened his eyes and reached for his phone lazily. Clicking his phone open, the screen greeted him with the time “8:00 a.m.” He then rubbed his neck and yawned while tossing the pillow back to the other bed.

“*Yawn*. Morning, Seth. Did you have a good sleep?” Harumasa smiled with his eyes half-opened and looked toward Seth, his roommate and loyal junior from high school.

“YOU have the audacity to ask me THAT?” Seth, clutching the pillow tightly in his hands, angrily replied. “This. Is the THIRD time I woke up from your alarm this week. THIRD. TIME.”

“Ah, is that so?” Harumasa delightfully said while tying his headband in place, surely three times isn’t that bad, that means today is Wednesday! “Well, it’s good for you to wake up early for extra training, right?” He then flashed Seth with a wide smile, so proud of himself for being such a considerate and kind senior-

“NO!” Seth looked like he was about to tear that poor pillow into pieces. “My class starts in the afternoon, and I trained until 11 p.m. last night. Do you know how many hours I slept last night?”

“Uhhh…” Harumasa awkwardly looked away from Seth, calculating the numbers inside his head. “I guess… 8 hours...?”

“IT’S 8 IN THE MORNING NOW!!” Seth yelled, throwing the pillow back at Harumasa, but the latter caught it with ease. “I went to bed at 2 a.m. last night, I only slept for 6. Hours. SIX.”

Sensing Seth’s dissatisfaction, Harumasa gently put the pillow aside and said, “A-Ah… That’s… not a lot, right? Haha…” He cautiously reached toward his desk and grabbed his bag. “I- I’m so, so sorry, Seth… I’m a terrible friend, aren’t I?” He hugged his bag in front of his chest and gave Seth the puppy dog eyes. “Surely a great, training officer like you wouldn’t arrest a pitiful English major like me, right?”

“I-.” For a moment, Harumasa felt like Seth is about to continue his scolding, but seeing Harumasa apologizing purposefully (by looking so sad and pitiful), he lowered his voice and said, “F- Fine! I’ll forgive you this time, but if this happens again tomorrow I’ll-.”

“Yay! You’re the best, Seth!” The pillow flew back across the room and interrupted Seth’s sentence, Harumasa then stood up happily beside his bed. “I promise, you won’t hear a sound from my alarm tomorrow, okay?”

Harumasa then swiftly swung his bag onto his shoulder and extended an arm to try and pat Seth’s head. However, the latter blocked his arm and looked at him with annoyance and a tinge of… murderous intention in his eyes. “If you try to pet me, I will actually twist your arm off.”

Harumasa backed off, holding his hands above his head. “Y-Yes officer! I heard you loud and clear.” He wasn’t actually worried that Seth would twist his arm off for real, but at the same time, not angering the sleep-deprived kitty is probably the smarter move here.

“Whatever…” Seth rolled his eyes and stood up from his bed as well. Just when he was about to sit down in front of his desk, he looked back at Harumasa like he just remembered something. “Oh, right. Uh, keep in mind that I’m still kind of mad at you, but… are you feeling alright?”

Harumasa widened his eyes and looked back at Seth, his mind quickly re-examined their chat, trying to see if he had acted out of character earlier. After confirming that he was still the carefree, silly senior Asaba Harumasa, he gave Seth an assured smile and said, “I think I’m in perfect shape now, Seth! Oh, or do you perhaps hate my outfit for the day?” Harumasa then extended his arms to his side and took a spin. He was wearing a red hoodie with a pair of gray sweat pants, suitable for both going to classes and sleeping.

“No… But actually, you should at least change out of your pajamas.” Seth said after taking a second look at Harumasa’s outfit. “What I’m trying to say is… I got back here later than usual last night, and you were already asleep.”

For some reason, Seth seemed to have difficulty looking Harumasa directly in the eyes. His gaze kept shifting from Harumasa to random objects in their room. Sensing another opportunity to tease Seth, Harumasa walked toward Seth with his arms crossed in front of his chest. “*Gasp*. Seth! I had no idea that you were secretly watching me sleep! That’s kinda weird, don’t you think?”

Harumasa gave Seth the usual sly and mischievous smile, but to his dismay, Seth was completely unaffected, and instead looked at him seriously. “I can’t think of anyone who would want to watch you sleep. The thing is…” He paused, his gaze grew sharper, and for a moment, Harumasa felt like he was being interrogated. “You were panting and covered in cold sweat. Your hand was clutching your chest like your heart was in pain… I- I didn’t know what to do, so I stayed up later than usual to make sure you will be fine.”

Harumasa felt like the smile on his face fell off, and Seth continued, “At around 2 a.m. you finally calmed down a bit, so I went to bed. So… are you… okay? Have you seen a doctor about this?”

Too many.

Harumasa took a deep breath and shoved that thought deep inside his mind, refusing to let any trace of it show up on his face. However, perhaps his symptoms last night really were more serious than usual, and he was struggling to put on another delightful smile to reassure Seth.

“I… I’m fine, Seth.” Harumasa clutched onto his bag instinctively. “It’s just seasonal allergies, don’t worry, okay?” He tried to curl his lips into a smile, but for some reason, it refused to appear, and that only made Seth’s frown deepen.

“I… Won’t call chest pains seasonal allergies, but… fine.” Seth sighed and grabbed something from his drawer, he then stuffed it into Harumasa’s hand. “At least have this before class, you’re clearly more tired than usual.”

Harumasa looked down to see an energy bar in his hand. Training officers like Seth often ordered these energy bars together, and Seth had handed Harumasa many of these since he often skipped meals, to the point where Harumasa even demanded specific flavors that matched his taste.

“You preferred that one, right? A lot of my friends hated walnuts because of the bitterness, so you get to have them for free.” Seth explained, but he soon returned to the usual, scolding tone. “However, that doesn’t mean I agree with your eating habits! You should still have a proper meal later.”

Harumasa turned the energy bar around to look at its label, and just as Seth said, it was Harumasa’s favorite Plain Walnut Energy Bar. Many have questioned Harumasa’s special preference regarding flavors, but noticing that Seth actually paid attention to his weird little taste brought a genuine smile to his face.

“Ha, thank you, Seth.” He smiled while pocketing the energy bar. “Also… sorry for making you stay up late. I’m lucky to have you as a friend.”

Seth let out another sigh and waved Harumasa off, but it was clear that he was smiling, too. “Ah, it’s nothing. Just go to class already, it’s 8:30 now.”

Harumasa gasped and took a look at his phone, unfortunately, he was indeed late to class. “AHH! I can’t skip Literature Analysis anymore!! Okseeyoubye!”

“HEY! Remember to lock the-…” Before Seth could finish his sentence, Harumasa dashed out of the door. “Door… *Sigh* Why is he always like this?”

As Harumasa pushed through students who were also rushing to their classrooms and dodged speeding bicycles along the way, he somehow felt like the energy bar bouncing inside his pocket would make today a little easier.

“Corin Wickes?”

“H- Here!”

“Ellen Joe?”

“*Yawn* Here…”

“Hoshimi Miyabi?”

“Here.”

“And… Asaba Haru-.”

College, a place where all thoughts and perspectives clash with one another. Studying in colleges or doing academic research are ways of pursuing the truest form of intellect. Whether it be literature or science, it is by dissecting, organizing, and presenting them, can complex knowledge be tangible to humans and thirens alike.

It was common for noises and crashes to be present in the pursuit of knowledge, however, when the noises include sounds like shouting, frantic footsteps or a bang from opening the front door way too vigorously, the academics may argue that such was not from the debates made by curious students, rather, it was the arrival of-

“*Pant* A- Asaba Harumasa! HERE!”

With a loud “BANG!” that awoke half the classroom, English major Asaba Harumasa made his presence loud and clear to the entire class by literally smashing the door into the wall. As someone who was 25 minutes late to the class, he sure was looking way too proud raising his arm and smiling widely at the whole class while desperately clutching the door.

“… *Ahem* Noted. Take a seat, Asaba.”

The English literature professor, Professor Lycaon, gestured Harumasa to his seat while pinching the bridge of his nose. Ignoring the professor’s disappointed glances and his classmates’ muffled laughs, Harumasa quickly took his seat beside Miyabi, his trusted friend from the martial arts club.

“Congrats on making it here today, Harumasa.” As someone who was used to watching Harumasa dashing into the classroom, Miyabi looked unfazed and handed Harumasa a handout. “Here’s the handout for today.”

After wiping some sweat off his face, Harumasa took the handout from Miyabi and tossed it carelessly on his desk. “Thanks, Miyabi. I have no idea how I’m going to survive this class without you…” He then plopped onto his desk and looked toward the front of the classroom.

Literature was never an extremely interesting subject for Harumasa. As a junior in college, he had studied (or, rather, survived) many literature classes, and thinking back, he had only passed all those classes thanks to Miyabi’s well-timed support before exams and deadlines.

Harumasa had no idea why Miyabi kept appearing in the same classes as him, though. They first met when they were both in their first year of college. At that time, Harumasa was trying to find a club to join since it would be another excuse for skipping classes. And the moment the martial arts club people saw Harumasa shoot three bullseyes in a row with a bow and arrows, they automatically signed him up.

Harumasa knew that Miyabi wasn’t really the talkative sort from the start, so most of the time, he just watched Miyabi practice. After a while, he realized that Miyabi started to come watch him practice with his bow too, and sometimes even give him a little thumbs-up after his sessions.

As time moved on, Harumasa started escaping to their club to practice archery more and more often. Some days, he was the first to appear, and the last to leave. On a random afternoon, Miyabi suddenly asked him why he chose to devote so much time to archery, he initially replied with the same, charming smile, “Well, to skip classes, of course!”

However, Miyabi didn’t even blink at that answer, and Harumasa could tell that she demanded an actual reason. After realizing that there was no use lying to Miyabi, the Harumasa at the time only looked away from her, touched his bow mindlessly and said, “Because it reminds me of someone.”

After that, Miyabi simply nodded and left the club room, and Harumasa almost felt offended that Miyabi didn’t even try to comfort him, but ever since then, Miyabi started to appear in his literature classes, and no matter how hard Harumasa questioned Miyabi about this sudden change, she only said that it’s another form of training.

Well, training or not, Harumasa certainly was happy that someone would save him from the hellhole that is deadlines and exams. So he had stopped trying to figure out the reason behind Miyabi’s action ever since and decided that Miyabi being in the same class as him was just a result of him being a little luckier than usual.

“… Therefore, can anyone tell me the main idea of this poem?”

Professor Lycaon’s voice snapped Harumasa out of his mental recite of how Miyabi and him first met, and he lifted his head to look at the professor in a daze. However, Harumasa soon realized that he had made a grave mistake. As a college student, especially when you are spacing out and wondering when the class ends, you should never ever have eye contact with the professor, or else-

“Ah. Asaba. Since no one has any thoughts, would you be willing to provide some of your opinion?”

The professor looked at Harumasa with a small smile, but Harumasa could not sense any comfort from those hunting, sharp eyes. Despite knowing that Professor Lycaon is a kind professor (as long as deadlines aren’t missed), Harumasa still froze up like a deer caught in headlights.

“I- I… Well. Uhh…”

As someone who was usually eloquent with his words, Harumasa felt like words were jammed inside his head. Normally, he would just come up with something funny and try to divert the professor’s attention to someone else. However, something in Professor Lycaon’s eyes tells him that a naïve tactic like that will not work on him, and Harumasa has to pay his price for not doing his reading beforehand.

Just when Harumasa was contemplating whether playing dead or straight up running out of the classroom would be the better decision, he heard a tap beside him.

*Tap* *Tap*

Harumasa turned slightly and realized the sound was coming from Miyabi’s desk. Unable to understand Miyabi’s action, Harumasa frowned, and Professor Lycaon cleared his throat to get his attention.

“*Ahem*, is something the matter, Asaba?”

The professor questioned, and Harumasa saw him moving closer to his desk. The metal scratching from the professor’s legs sounded like knives sharpening against whetstone, and Harumasa felt the hair on his back stand.

“N-No, no! It’s nothing, professor. I was just going to…”

*Tap* *Tap*

Harumasa heard the sound of tapping with paper scratching from Miyabi’s desk again, and due to the intensity of the situation, his confusion grew alongside frustration.

Why the heck is she tapping-

Wait.

A flash of inspiration shone inside Harumasa’s mind, and he looked down at the handout on his desk. Just as he thought, the poem in question was on the handout, and Harumasa felt like a spark of hope had finally started to emerge in front of his eyes.

“I- I was just… checking my handout! Anyway, so let’s see…”

The professor raised an eyebrow at him, and Harumasa grabbed onto the handout desperately. He looked at the lines, and words like “clocks,” “doves” and “moon” flashed before his eyes. Yet, perhaps having a literature class at 8 a.m. really was too much for him, or the consequence of not eating anything ever since he had woken up was starting to catch up to him, Harumasa started to feel dizzy, and for a moment, he couldn’t even make out his name on the handout.

Just when he was about to give up and use his “health condition” as an excuse again, he heard Miyabi let out a rather obvious cough. Harumasa turned to look at her while wondering why couldn’t she just answer the question for him, but when he focused his eyes on her handout, he saw a drawing of a… bow?

A bow… and… I guess that’s an arrow across it? But…

“Because it reminds me of someone.”

A hand holding his own, and an arrow flew across the field.

Harumasa felt like a flash of memory pierced his vision, and he had to blink multiple times to make sure that he was still in the same English Department classroom.

The field shined with the early morning glow, the air was fresh and his hair waved along the wind.

He clutched the handout in his hands and took a deep breath, ignoring the pang in his chest and the trembling of his hands, he tried to focus his eyes on the handout.

Thanks for the trouble, Miyabi.

Harumasa thought to himself as he took a deep breath, he quickly skimmed through the poem and realized that the reading for today is (oh so coincidentally) about loss and grief. He bit his lip and sighed inside his head, with the professor’s gaze still fixed on him, Harumasa began his literary analysis.

“I guess… the main idea of this poem is… loss and grief.”

“You did a great job, Asaba! Here’s the cake for the day.”

“… The author set the sorrowful scene by using words like ‘coffin’ and ‘mourners.’”

“Do you want to learn archery, Asaba? Let’s sneak out and practice tomorrow morning!”

“To the author, the person they lost was their… everything. Their North, South, East, West.”

“Take this headband with you, Asaba. With this, remember that I will always be by your side.”

“However, with the loss of that person, the author realized that even the stars lost meaning to them. Because nothing… lasts forever.”

And I am all alone.

“That’s all… I guess…?”

Harumasa ended his analysis and looked up to meet the professor’s eyes. At first, he thought that he messed the entire thing up since the whole classroom was completely silent. However, the professor then slowly clapped his hands and gave Harumasa a rare smile.

“Well done, Asaba. That was a detailed and thought-provoking analysis.”

Having been complimented by the professor for the first time ever, Harumasa felt flustered and waved his hands in front of him. “O- Oh! It’s not that good anyway. I… I just said whatever was on my mind.”

Seeing his surprised reaction, the professor nodded and said, “When students do literary analysis, they are often terrified of having the wrong answer.” He paused and turned to look at the entire classroom. “However, with analyzing poetry or any other form of literary pieces, it is important to note that, sometimes, following your emotions and your mind is the best course of action.”

The professor walked back to the front of the classroom and continued. “Therefore, as demonstrated by Asaba, using your instincts to examine poetry can not only help you understand the author more,” He glanced at Harumasa slightly, as if trying to not put more pressure on him, but still wanting to retain his attention. “It can also help you process emotions or pains that you had no idea existed.”

Sigh…

With a mental sigh, Harumasa nodded mindlessly and looked down at his handout again. The tingling scratched his chest once more, and he decided to direct his focus to the handout for the time being. Due to him clutching the paper earlier, the sides were all crinkled, and Harumasa probably had to borrow Miyabi’s copy later.

“Anyway,” The professor clapped his hands together to get everyone’s attention. “That would be all for today. Remember to start working on your final essays. I will arrange the consultation time as soon as possible.”

Wait what?

Harumasa widened his eyes and looked at the professor in shock, but Professor Lycaon simply turned and left the classroom. Therefore, Harumasa turned to face his only savior.

“Miyabi what did he mean by final essay?” He earnestly asked, hoping that the information he learned prior was just a mere illusion.

“Professor Lycaon announced it in last week’s announcement. You must have missed it.” Miyabi said as she put her things in her bag. “He also mentioned it in the syllabus, but I’m sure that you missed that, too.”

Harumasa let out a huge sigh and sank his hands into his hair in despair. Sure, writing essays and doing literary analysis were common sense for English majors, yet, knowing that he had to actually write it always takes the life out of Harumasa. How rude of the professor to just take away his free time like that!

“*Sigh*… I- Sure. I guess I’ll figure something out before my consultation with Professor Lycaon.” A tinge of annoyance lingered in Harumasa’s tone when he said the professor’s name, yet, Harumasa knew deep down that he held no grudges against the professor, and knew that his actions were the source of his own procrastination, but the professor’s sharp gaze never failed to make Harumasa shudder.

“You can write about that poem you just analyzed. Great work, by the way.” Miyabi suggested as they walked out of the classroom together.

“Ah, it was all thanks to you, Miyabi. My mind was literally a complete blank back there.” Harumasa awkwardly rubbed his neck with his hand.

“Yes, I did help you a little bit. But you were the one who came up with your own answer, right?” Miyabi, forever expressionless, said and looked toward Harumasa’s eyes. “So, you should still be proud of yourself for that.”

“Right…” Harumasa instinctively looked away from Miyabi as if afraid that she could read his mind, hoping Miyabi wouldn’t realize his awkwardness, he then changed the topic. “Also, how did you come up with the clue that you gave me? Like the bow and arrow that you drew?” Harumasa recalled the small doodle on Miyabi’s handout, it wasn’t the best interpretation of a bow and an arrow, but Harumasa was always surprised at how fast Miyabi can think in stressful situations like this.

“Well…” Miyabi put her hand under her chin, thinking. “Remember the time I asked you why you spend so much time on archery?” Harumasa nodded, and Miyabi continued. “The poem assigned for today’s class is about grief and loss, anyone who took the time to read the title would know that much.”

“Hey! I was just busy… With my own stuff!” Harumasa refuted playfully and wondered if Miyabi was going to lecture him about not doing his reading beforehand, but as usual, Miyabi ignored his argument and continued.

“As your friend for years, I am certain that you didn’t do your reading before class, so I had to hint you with something that somehow matches the poem’s main idea.” Just when Harumasa was processing Miyabi’s sentence, she added, “So I drew a bow and an arrow. Because despite your masterful and delicate skill with archery, you always looked lonely when practicing. A… silent melancholy always clouds your vision.”

Harumasa felt his playful smile disappear, and the both of them stopped walking, Miyabi then turned to face him. “That’s why the hint I gave you was a bow and an arrow. I… I am sorry if that brought up any unpleasant memories of yours.” Miyabi then bowed slightly to Harumasa, and Harumasa waved his hands frantically to stop Miyabi’s bow.

“N- No, it’s fine, Miyabi! Please, there’s no need to bow.” Harumasa explained, and Miyabi straightened her back. “I… I was just…” He took a deep breath and met his good friend’s eyes. “Yes, I do have… bad memories regarding… those stuff. And I’m sorry that I can’t tell you anything about it right now.”

He felt his hands slightly shaking and a little voice inside his head scolded him for his awkward, vulnerable speech pattern. Just when he was about to try to act cool, he felt a small but reassuring palm on his shoulder. Harumasa blinked in shock and looked at Miyabi, whose face still housed that determined, unwavering gaze, but Harumasa realized that her eyes lingered with a rare softness today.

“There’s no need to apologize, Harumasa. And you do not owe me any explanation.” Miyabi assured him and patted his shoulder. “I understand that everyone has their own issues and worries that are… difficult to talk about, but,” For a moment, Harumasa saw a grim shade dashed across Miyabi’s eyes, but it faded in a flash. Miyabi then continued, “I want you to know that you are never alone in this world, and I, along with many others, will be there for you.”

Harumasa wondered what was so unusual about him today that he had provoked two of his closest friends to notice his mask slipping, yet despite the awkwardness and pain that reveals themselves when his friends comfort him, Harumasa can’t help but feel tinges of warmth that oozed out of his injuries.

Perhaps a part of him just desperately wanted this wound to be seen.

“I- Miyabi… Thank you.” Harumasa gave Miyabi a small smile and removed her hand from his shoulder. “I’ll be alright. So, don’t worry too much about me, okay?” He let out a laugh. The uncommon, genuine kind.

Miyabi nodded and said, “… Okay. Just remember that I’m glad to lend an ear any time.” She then looked into the distance and said, “… I believe that losses, despite the pain and sorrow they bring, also cradle delightful encounters with more people in the future.”

Her fox ears twitched as she gave Harumasa a gentle smile. “So, perhaps you may meet someone wonderful in your next class, right?”

“Y- Yeah, I guess…” Harumasa mirrored her smile, yet it was soon replaced with a terrifying realization.

Wait.

N- NEXT CLASS??

Harumasa took out his phone as fast as possible and looked for his school timetable, and just as his realization predicted, his next class starts in-

“F- FIVE MINUTES!! Sorry Miyabi I have another class I’ll get you something melon-flavored nexttimebye!!!”

As Miyabi watched Harumasa disappear on the other side of the hallway, she waved to Harumasa’s frantic silhouette in the distance and wondered if there were any new melon-flavored snacks in the school’s convenience store.

When people reminisce about their college days, they often recall the campus scenery that captivated their minds, the assignments that pain their being, or the laughter and banter among their friends.

However, for Harumasa, his memories of college mostly, or rather, literally, flew by him like a flash from all the running down the hallway. As someone who often paid no mind to arranging a reasonable timetable for himself, his tactics for picking classes were usually: Empty time slot? Sign me up!

Sure, the benefits of following such a strategy was how he can have more time off during the days that were vacant. Yet, in contrast, during the other days of the week, his timetable was usually so packed with classes so intensively together that often left him no time to even eat a proper meal.

Well, it’s not like Harumasa is the only person skipping meals in this college, anyway. In the face of deadlines and exams, do college students really think they have the privilege of taking care of themselves? How foolish!

Therefore, as usual, Harumasa ran up three flights of stairs in a moment of panic. As he reached the third floor and panted breathlessly, he soon realized the existence of an elevator, which led him to slap his forehead in frustration.

Thankfully, the class hadn’t started yet, but the room was already mostly full. Harumasa then made his way to the door in the back and sat in his favorite seat, which basically is any other seat that is the closest to the door, just in case he needs to make an impromptu escape.

He opened his phone instinctively as he waited for the class to start, but it was then that he realized that he didn’t even know what this class was even about. After making a mental note to himself to at least check what department he was in when picking classes for the next semester, he opened his timetable to see that he was in an acting class (or the official name: Acting, A Dance of Romance and Love).

Harumasa frowned at his phone since he for one had no recollection of picking this class, and two, the girl in front of him is starting to look at him a little too excitingly now…

“*Ahem*.” Harumasa cleared his throat and looked at the girl in front of him warily. “Is there… something I can help you with?”

“O- OH! Nonono.” The girl in front of him waved her hands frantically. “It’s just that… You’re Asaba Harumasa, right? From the Martial Arts club?”

“Uhh. Yeaaaah...?” Harumasa answered, but after he confirmed the girl’s question, he immediately regretted it.

“Oh. My. God. There is NO WAY!!” The girl suddenly raised her voice, and Harumasa widened his eyes in shock. “I am like, YOUR biggest fan!! AH! I can’t believe we’re in the same class!!”

Harumasa knew that the Martial Arts club had always been pretty popular around campus since they often attended contests and won trophies for their college. Yet, normally Miyabi was always the one that absorbs their fans' attention, and being so close to one of these die-hard fans today, Harumasa suddenly felt immense pressure on his chest.

Unable to respond properly, Harumasa watched the girl ramble. “OKAY. So… Are you going to participate in the archery contest next month? You NEED to. You look so cool when you’re just holding that bow like that… I wonder if you’re willing to hold… other things…” The girl’s breath then started to get a bit too frantic for Harumasa’s comfort.

Woahwoahwoah.

Harumasa thought to himself as he realized the conversation (is this even a conversation anymore?) is starting to approach a really weird direction, and he finally mustered up some courage to say, “Hey- Uh… Thanks for your support, but I still need some ti-.”

“WAIT!!” The girl’s sudden interjection cut out Harumasa’s words, and his back is literally on the wall beside him now since the girl is starting to invade his personal space. “I. Have. A. Wonderful. Idea.”

Oh god please just end me here.

Harumasa extended his arms in front of him, trying to create some more space between them, but the girl didn’t seem to mind anyway. She then enthusiastically declared, “We should totally be in the same group for the final project!! That way we can-.”

“Gooood afternoon everyone~! Welcome to another wonderful session of acting class!”

A voice that can only be described as both charming and ghostly came from the front of the classroom, and Harumasa jumped a bit since he was sure that no one was there earlier.

However, the cheery voice carried on, and Harumasa focused his eyes on it. At the front of the classroom stood, or, rather, floated a benevolent-looking instructor in a carefully-tailored dress. On her hands danced two puppets, and for a moment, Harumasa could have sworn that those puppets were talking to one another.

Ignoring half the classroom’s confusion regarding her sudden appearance, the instructor continued: “I am Professor Alexandrina Sebastiane, but you can all just call me ‘Rina!’ And these two lovely children are my wonderful teaching assistants, Anastella and Drusilla! We all can’t wait to start this semester with you all!”

As Professor Rina introduced her two… teaching assistants, the puppets jumped from her hands, one did a backflip, and the other took a spin in the air. Trying not to get overwhelmed by the situation, Harumasa simply convinced himself that technology truly is a wondrous thing, because, well, even bangboos can be TAs these days, so why can’t sentient puppets do the same?

“So… That’s our little introduction, let’s start today’s class!” With the professor’s cheerful voice, she clapped her hands together, and the projector miraculously turned itself on (once again, technology is amazing). As the slides begin to show on the board, Harumasa was once reminded of the title of the class “Acting, A Dance of Romance and Love,” and for whatever reason, the girl in front of him is giving him that intense gaze again, making Harumasa sincerely hope that it wasn’t too late to drop out of this class.

“As you can see, this is an acting class that will focus on romance. It is completely fine if you have no experience with this topic, or don’t even intend on having a romantic relationship in your future!” As Professor Rina explained, she clicked through slides that are way too vibrant, to the point where some of them look like paintings instead of instructing slides. “It is completely fine even if you have no interest in romance, but, since romance as a topic is so prominent in the media, we will simply be examining and analyzing how actors portray romance.”

Harumasa nodded lightly as the lecture continued, a part of him is quite relieved to learn that there will be no exams for this class, and the workload didn’t seem too outrageous either. At first, he was slightly worried that the professor would be forcing them to pursue their true love or whatever, but knowing that they would just be watching romances for research purposes, and most importantly, no actual feelings would be drag onto the table, made Harumasa let out a reassured sigh.

“However, since there will be no exams for this course, I still need something to grade you all on.” Professor Rina said as she gave the class an apologetic look, “So, your grades will be based on your final project. You will all find an acting partner from this class and do a little acting demonstration in front of everyone!”

Just when Harumasa thought he could relax, the professor’s declaration made his body tense up. He took a quick glance around the classroom (ignoring the girl in front of him, as always), to his surprise, everyone else looked quite excited to act with one another, and none of them seemed to be bothered by it. What happened to “It’s okay to not be interested in romance?”

Yet, the rational part of Harumasa’s mind knew that his complaint makes no sense, since the core of acting is exploring and examining how one would portray a character despite not feeling the exact same as said character. And deep down he knew that saying he’s not interested in romance is just a defensive front. Because with years and years of yearning for the affection and closeness of a mythical person that would just accept the broken mess that he is, Harumasa knew that he craved love, but for some reason, he had been terrified of admitting that, and every time he touched upon that bleeding mental scar, the fear of someday tainting a wonderful person grew deeper.

Therefore, he painted himself as the carefree, casual and chill friend that had no problem whatsoever because Asaba Harumasa just needed to tuck those traumas a bit deeper inside his head and no one would suspect a thing.

He had been an actor for so long already, surely a little project like this would be nothing, right?

Right.

Harumasa took a deep breath and looked toward the front of the classroom. As the professor guided everyone to find their partners, Harumasa’s attention was rudely snatched away by the girl in front of him again.

“Hey.” The girl said with a flat tone, and that somehow made her seem even more terrifying compared to her obsessive behavior from earlier. “You know what to do, right?”

“Uhhh…” Harumasa awkwardly looked away from her, slowly retreating his body to the back of his seat. Despite just convincing himself that he was indeed a skillful actor on this stage called life, improvised acting like this certainly wasn’t Harumasa’s forte. His mind then quickly came up with the good old excuse, “Actually, I already promised my friend to be in the same group as them…”

As the girl approached Harumasa with no sense of personal space, making something up is Harumasa’s only hope to get himself out of this… mess. “A friend?” The girl said with blatant disbelief in her voice. “Not trying to be rude, but, according to my research, Asaba Harumasa only has two people that can be considered as his ‘friend.’”

The girl grabbed a notebook that had been through way too many hardships judging by the ripped edges and dark stains on its cover, she then started flipping through it with much familiarity. “One of them is Hoshimi Miyabi, the famous club leader of the Martial Arts Club, who I also respect and love very much.” The girl let out a dreamy sigh, but her voice soon turned uninterested. “And the other is Seth Lowell, he’s just here, I guess.”

With a shrug, she tossed the notebook on her desk and took a quick glance around the classroom. “Judging from my inspection, and, of course, your very own eyes, none of those people are here currently…” She leaned toward Harumasa, and Harumasa started to wonder if this is the correct moment to actually play dead. “Or do you mean to tell me that you have other friends I don’t know about? Maybe someone that is… more than friends?”

The look in the girl’s eyes reminded Harumasa of wild animals in a random documentary he once watched to kill time. The feral, sharp eyes. The irregular, frantic breath. The… innate urge to both rip and dominate the prey in front of them.

And here Harumasa thought he was just a normal college student. Well, aside from the terminal illness and the consuming void of intrusive thoughts, that is.

As the girl cornered Harumasa to the back door of the classroom, Harumasa wondered why the professor couldn’t just notice what was going on between him and the girl. Harumasa felt the girl’s gaze cut him open like a sharp, cold blade that made the scars on his neck numb and sting at the same time. Instinctively, Harumasa looked at his closest escape–the back door–and a plan started forming inside his head.

“Well, dear Harumasa, is your friend coming soon? I sure would like to meet them.” The girl gave Harumasa a wide, yet chilling grin, and Harumasa slowly turned his back to the door and rested his hand on the doorknob carefully.

“O-Oh! Yeah, they’re right…” Harumasa forced himself to put on a smile, he simply couldn’t wait to finally escape from this terrifying class.

“HERE!” Harumasa raised his voice in an attempt to distract the girl as he flung the door wide open. Before the girl could properly react, Harumasa turned his heel and dashed out of the classroom, but his escape plan was abruptly cut short by him slamming his whole body on a poor, innocent student that was unfortunately right outside the door.

“WOAH! Watch ou-! AH!”

For a moment, the world around Harumasa spinned, and he couldn’t tell left from right. All he could see in those fleeting seconds were books flying, papers swirling, and a dash of silver that managed to linger in his vision for a little longer.

However, as the world stopped spinning, pain started to invade Harumasa’s arms and knees since he fell pretty hard to the ground, but perhaps it was thanks to the person under him, the fall wasn’t as terrible as he imagined.

Wait. The person under him?

Harumasa frantically lifted himself off the person as they let out a sigh in pain, Harumasa panicked and grabbed the student’s arm instinctively to examine whether they were injured or not. “AHH! I’m so, so sorry. Are you alright?” Harumasa felt the person’s arm with his hand and rolled up their sleeve.

No broken bones, thankfully.

“I will do anything to make up for you, do you want to go to the infirmary?” Harumasa carefully checked the students arms, his gaze apologetic and earnest.

“N- No, I’m alright.” The student said, and Harumasa finally directed his attention to their eyes. Sea-green, like verdant plants floating on the boundless ocean. “At least my laptop isn’t damaged, that’s the only thing I care about, really.” The student then let out a small laugh to ease the tension in the air, yet, the guilt within Harumasa’s mind still stirred, making his frown deepen.

“Hey! What are you talking about? You should always worry about your body first!” Harumasa gently chided the student, but the little voice inside his head laughed at the irony of his own words. Noticing a bruise on the student’s arm, Harumasa sighed and continued, “See, you’re hurt here. I- I think I have an ointment for that in my bag–”

“*AHEM*”

The sound of a loud and intentionally obvious voice of someone clearing their throat stopped Harumasa’s sentence, and he turned around to realize multiple things. One, the obsessive girl is still behind him. Two, in fact, many people are now behind him. And three, Professor Rina is… Wait, where is sh–

“Oh, how wonderful!”

The ghostly and charming voice appeared above Harumasa, and both he and the student beside him let out a small yelp. Ignoring their surprised faces, Professor Rina took an elegant spin and settled beside them. “I was helping everyone mark their groups, but not before long, I noticed some commotion in the back…”

Harumasa widened his eyes, the thought of possibly being failed from this class terrified him. Sure, he is a master at skipping classes, but even someone like Harumasa knows that if you skip too many classes, you might not be able to graduate properly. Crazy stuff, right? Therefore, he put his hands in front of his chest and explained, “O- Oh! No, I swear I wasn’t causing any trouble, professor. It was just– Mmph!”

One of the puppets of Professor Rina jumped out of nowhere and literally bumped itself into Harumasa’s mouth, and his explanation was cut short with Professor Rina gently laughing in the back. “Haha! Oh, there’s no need to worry, Asaba. I’m not here to scold you.” Her slender fingers then traced a circle in the air, and the puppet returned to its original location. “I was simply so, so happy to see you care for your fellow classmate!” She then gave both of them a delightful smile, and Harumasa exchanged a confused look with the student beside him.

“You see…” Sensing their confusion, the professor slowly explained, “The core value of acting can be said to stem from being really… empathetic.” She then drew a circle with her fingers again, and her puppets then held onto one another’s hands, dancing happily. “Since you can’t always have the exact experience of the character that you’re aiming to portray, having a kind, empathetic heart can really go a long way if you’re interested in acting.”

Still confused, Harumasa frowned and gave the professor an awkward laugh. “Haha… So… Does that mean I won’t fail this class..?”

“Oh, that shall depend on your performance for the final project!” Professor Rina then let out a series of elegant laughter. “But, what I am trying to say is, Asaba, you have a very kind heart. Since I saw you devote your entire attention to the other student, instead of worrying about your own body.”

Harumasa felt the professor’s gaze soften, and for some reason he felt the muscle on his back tensed. “However, regarding that, I have two little notes for you. Firstly, just like what you said to the student earlier, you should also worry and care about yourself when needed. You are just as important, afterall.”

Not this stuff again…

Feeling that weird, tearing comfort inside his chest again (are comforts supposed to hurt?), Harumasa took a deep breath, and the professor continued. For some reason, she seemed to be holding back her laughter. “Secondly, haha, I truly adore your empathic heart, Asaba, for you hadn’t let go of the student’s hand ever since we started this conversation!”

H– Huh?

Harumasa quickly looked down, and he was, indeed, still holding onto the student’s hand with much care, and he felt heat creeping onto his face as the rest of the class laughed behind them (with the obsessive girl purposely rolling her eyes). Harumasa then let go of the student’s hand in a flash and embarrassingly apologized, “A- AH! I am so sorry! I had no idea I was–”

“Oh, no, it’s fine.” The student calmly reassured Harumasa with a small smile, and Harumasa suddenly realized that sea-green is indeed a comforting color. “Just like the professor said, thank you for being so empathetic, umm, Asaba..?”

Noticing the student’s inquisitive tone, Harumasa quickly recomposed himself and said, “Ah, yes, I’m Asaba Harumasa, a junior majoring in English. And you are..?”

The student lifted his body up to sit properly beside Harumasa, after patting some dust off his hand, he extended it toward Harumasa and said, “I’m Wise. Junior majoring in computer science. Nice to meet you.” The boy then smiled, and Harumasa mirrored his expression.

“Cool! Nice to meet you too!”

With the same cheery smile, Harumasa shook the hand painted with the sun’s setting glow and exchanged a polite gaze with the silver-haired boy.

“How nice! Now then… Since the both of you haven’t been put in groups yet, why don’t you two work on the final project together?” The professor cheerfully declared, ignoring the loud “WAIT!!” and frustrated “IT SHOULD’VE BEEN ME!!” in the background, and Harumasa couldn’t be happier with the professor’s decision.

“Yeah! We should totally be in the same group, as long as you’re fine with it?” Harumasa stood up and extended his arm toward Wise. As he stood beside him, Wise nodded with a smile. “Yeah, I’m fine with it. I have no idea what the final project is about though…”

As Harumasa reassured Wise that he had no idea what the final project would be either, the two and the rest of the class walked back to their seats. Thankfully, the seat beside Harumasa was not taken, and Harumasa quickly gestured to Wise to sit there.

“So, uh… Is that girl a friend of yours? She keeps… staring at us.” Wise turned to Harumasa and whispered, and Harumasa took a quick glance at the girl. She was, indeed, looking at them with both jealousy and admiration brewing in her eyes. How conflicting.

“Ah, I have no idea who she is. Just try to ignore her.” With a small wave, Harumasa turned to face Wise. Seeing the latter instinctively rubbing his own arm, Harumasa widened his eyes slightly and said, “Oh! I should probably give you that ointment, gimme a sec…”

Ignoring Wise’s whispered “N- No, I’m fine!”, Harumasa swiftly took out the medicine from his bag and gently grabbed Wise’s hand with his own. Without thinking, he rolled up Wise’s sleeve and said, “I have bruises quite often, and after many experiments, this one works the best, sooo…” Harumasa scooped some ointment with his finger and carefully spread it across Wise’s skin, secretly hoping that the callus on his finger wouldn’t be much discomfort.

“There! That should fix it in no time.” Without much work, Harumasa finished treating some minor bruises on Wise’s arm, and he looked at him with a triumphant smile. However, for some reason, Wise was just… staring at him. “Hey, what’s up? Are you still hurt anywhere?”

To that Wise replied with his eyes widened slightly, like he was tangled inside his own mind. “O- Oh, no. I was just thinking that you really are a kind person, haha.” Wise awkwardly rubbed his neck with his hand, he then continued, “It’s so hard to meet kind people these days, but… thank you for being so kind to me, Harumasa.” Wise then looked up to meet Harumasa’s eyes, he smiled with his eyes turning into crescent shapes, so very genuine, and Harumasa couldn’t help but be slightly terrified by these unexpected and pure emotions that lingered in the air between them.

Accepting thanks or compliments, especially those genuine, wholehearted kind is forever a tough puzzle for Harumasa to solve (that is, if he ever manages to get any). Unlike facing fans screaming or dealing with those that approach him for their own selfish gains, Harumasa seemed to always have trouble processing or deflecting genuine compliments with a simple “Oh, you’re too kind!”

He knew that normal people don’t think or feel like this, normal people don’t examine those smiles or faces with the daunting and looming voices that warn him that they will be their next nightmare, but when was he ever normal, anyway? Before he had even realized, his mind seemed to depict kind words or delicate presents as others’ bargaining chips for something (what even is it, anyway?) that flows in his veins, and that broke the part of him that used to appreciate having those warm feelings dancing on his fingertips.

“H- hey… Are you alright? Why are you the one staring at me now..?” Hearing an awkward laugh, Harumasa blinked his eyes in shock and looked at the silver-haired boy sitting next to him.

Silver, a fickle color for Harumasa, for it reminded him of the cold, numbing needles which pierced his skin, but it is also the color of silver utensils that he used to savor cakes and sweets which will motivate him to push through yet another day.

Harumasa focused his eyes on Wise and watched the lights intertwine and play with his hair. His mind still thinking, examining this person whom he literally fell onto. The past had already taught him many, many lessons that however pretty or intricate a kind gesture could be, there would still unfortunately be the one in a hundred chance to bite him back.

Harumasa almost felt bad for doubting Wise like this.

“O- Oh, it’s nothing. Haha~” Harumasa said with a playful tone. For some reason, it felt oddly unnatural today. “I was just… Well, thinking about how nice your hair looks! You must put a lot of effort into it.” He then let out a small laugh, crossed his arms in front of his chest and directed Wise’s attention back to himself, all according to plan.

“Really? Thanks. Haha, my sister always complains how messy my hair looks…” Wise laughed and pinched his hair with his fingers. “I like your hair too. And the headband, it looks great on you.”

Crap.

Harumasa failed to suppress his shock and widened his eyes. With his usual script being derailed, he stuttered, “O- Oh, yeah. Cool. T- Thanks.” Harumasa felt his chest tightened, and he blamed himself for still hanging onto that stupid headba–

“Is it a gift from someone? It looks really well-cared of.”

A fragment of that day flashed in front of his eyes.

“Asaba, please, live.”

And he watched his shadow engulfed in flames and rubbles.

Harumasa felt his vision growing hazy. Perhaps he should drop out of this class anyway.

“Uh– I–”

“Ooookay class! That will be all for today! Thank you so much for coming today. My TAs will now hand you the script for your final projects, make sure to practice it with your friend! See you next week~”

The same ghostly and cheery voice dragged Harumasa back to reality, and he blinked to see Wise looking at him with concern. “Hey, are you sure you’re okay? I can take you to the infirmary if you want.”

Harumasa took a deep breath and shook his head, both for politely rejecting Wise’s offer and to shake off this annoying and consuming feeling that seems to be extra needy today. “Oh, there’s no need. I guess not eating anything up till now is catching up to me, haha.”

“Wait, you haven’t eaten anything today?” Wise’s frown deepened, and Harumasa is even more confused about this person in which he literally met through complete randomness. “You must be starving then, here, take this.”

Before Harumasa could react, Wise took out a well-packaged piece of bread from his backpack. The pink and vibrant design on the package insinuated that the bread is probably strawberry-flavored. “I got this from the convenience store earlier, there’s a buy one get one free deal. I hope you don’t mind that it’s about to expire though…”

“Hey, it’s fine, I don’t–”

“Please, take it.” Ignoring Harumasa’s protest, Wise stuffed the bread in Harumasa’s hand. “Just… Take it as a thank-you for applying that medicine for me, and for being kind.” Wise smiled warmly at him, and Harumasa almost hated how it made him feel slightly alive.

“I- If you insist then…” Harumasa then put the bread inside his bag, but just when he was about to close it, a small shadow emerged from the corner of his eye.

“Special delivery!”

“Woah!”

One of the puppets (Harumasa still couldn’t tell them apart) popped out from between them, holding two pieces of paper. “Here are your scripts, try not to fail~” With a laugh that is both cheery and chilling, the puppet took a spin and decided to trouble another pair of students.

“I guess this is our script then… Oh! We should add each other on Knock-Knock, so we can meet up for practice.” Without looking, Wise took out a file folder and carefully put the script in it, after that, he took out his phone and showed Harumasa a QR-code.

“Oh, right…” After stuffing his script inside his bag, Harumasa reached for his phone and scanned the QR-code. The screen then quickly transitioned to Wise’s profile, and Harumasa took a quick look at it. A picture of a blue sky with white clouds accompanied with a silver building rests beside Wise’s name. No personalized note or message under it.

Simple enough.

Harumasa then clicked off his phone as Wise swung his backpack on his shoulder. “Okay, I have to leave now. I’ll message you my schedule later. See you next class.” With a small wave and the same, genuine smile, Wise left the classroom, and Harumasa quickly realized that the classroom was nearly empty.

He then sighed and grabbed his own bag in his hand. After checking that he had no more classes left for today (but still many in the future), he walked out of the building and started wandering mindlessly, in an effort to both clear the blurry thoughts inside his head, and simply because no one will care even if he returned to his dorm room a little later than usual anyway.

The campus looks especially nostalgic this time of the day, with the setting sun painting the trees and grasses an orange shade, while distant laughter echo within the halls and buildings. Whenever Harumasa feels particularly tired or burnt out, he often tries to listen in to the laughter and banter and try to steal some joy from them; he'd like to think that this tendency means that he still has some humanity within his soul.

Thinking back, he almost had little to no recollection of what he actually accomplished in the past two years of college. Sure, he remembers how he and Miyabi met, and some fragments of him training with the club or teasing Seth about whatever, but when it comes to “actual” accomplishments, he can recall almost nothing. Only vague feelings of anxiety, melancholy and the pressing question of what are you going to do with your life?

“What are you going to do with your life?” A terrifying and most annoying question that probably all college students hate. Of course, for normal students, it is just another one of those questions that their nosy relatives will ask during family gatherings. But for Harumasa, he both hated and loved the question when it came from someone who had no idea about his condition. Hated, because, ha, bold of you to even think I have much life left.

Loved, because such ignorant hope from a random stranger granted Harumasa the right to dream of his future for a couple of fleeting seconds.

Despite his illness, Harumasa used to dream quite often as a child. He still remembered how his room always looked so bright yet grim at the same time, with harsh lights from above him bouncing its shine on machines, needles and himself. Oftentimes, young Harumasa would feel the urge to escape, escape to the colorful and vibrant forests that he saw in picture books.

Harumasa recalled the time he got scolded when he tried to color the machines running restlessly beside him with crayons, “I just wanna create my own forest!”, young Harumasa proudly declared, but the adults covered in white robes looked like they were about to snap him in half.

And then, he appeared, Harumasa still remembered the rare, vibrant color that appeared in his vision, a waving, shining yellow, flowing and swirling. And after the adults finished their conversation filled with frustration, the person with the yellow turned to him, kneeled down in front of him and said,

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Asaba. Wanna go to a forest together?”

And his dreams were suddenly filled with colors that overwhelmed his mind.

The person with the yellow headband, or Master, as Harumasa used to call him, taught him how to dream, to breathe in the fresh air so hard that your lungs hurt from it, and to live for… whatever, Harumasa still couldn’t figure out the answer to that one.

The only thing he knows for sure is that Master but be pretty disappointed at his current state right now if he’s still around. No more of those “I will save everyone!” heroic declarations, no more taking his meds with a wide and proud smile, and no more courage to even continue his childish dream.

Harumasa recalled the time Master asked him about his dream career, and after thinking for a moment, young Harumasa shouted with excitement, “I wanna be an officer! Like I wanna use my arrows to shoot down bad guys!” To which, Master first gave him an awkward laugh, gently warned him to not say that in front of the other adults, and quietly whispered, “I know you can do it, Asaba. There are schools outside for that, and I know you will become a wonderful officer.”

And look at him now, a “proud” English major with too many absent notices and numerous assignments to catch up to.

“HA– YAH!!”

A voice of a student yelling with vigor and sounds of training weapons clashing snapped Harumasa out of his thoughts, and he realized his steps had carried him to the training grounds for training officers. In the distance, he saw students he had never met before sparring with each other with swords, sticks, and other weapons that looked too technologically-advanced for Harumasa to comprehend. For a moment, he saw Seth pin down a poor student with a wooden shield, and the crowd around him cheered, well done!

Harumasa then quickly turned around before Seth could see him, and started to make his way back to their dorm. He knew that he probably wouldn’t have to live like this. He knew that perhaps at the day for deciding his major, if he could just muster up a little bit of courage, he could be among one of them, cheering and practicing archery for the future of New Eridu. But he didn’t, he couldn’t.

Because somehow, being closer to his dream made Harumasa feel terrified. Terrified that one day, he would in turn be the one his peers hunt down. Terrified of the implication of the bow and arrow in his hand. What was Master thinking when he held Harumasa’s hand and set those arrows flying across the field?

And what was he thinking when he pierced the needle through the back of his neck, and sucked out whatever is lucrative from Harumasa’s body?

However, life still goes on rudely, with his past still clinging onto him relentlessly, and Asaba Harumasa dragged his feet back to their dorm and unlocked his phone with the familiar shape of an arrow.

So attached, yet so resistant. And still, Harumasa missed him with conflicting feelings.

He wondered if these feelings would be helpful for writing that final essay.

When Harumasa entered their room, it was completely dark, except for the lamp on his desk illuminating a faint shine on it. Feeling confused, Harumasa approached it without turning the lights on and saw a piece of paper that seemed to be torn from a textbook with messy writing on it.

REMEMBER TO EAT!!
(also don’t you dare set an alarm tmr morning we both have no classes tmr)
– Seth

“Ha–”

Harumasa instinctively let out a small laugh, a part of him still tempted to set an alarm anyway to see Seth’s reaction, but another part of him felt truly thankful that a broken mess like him can still have friends who literally care more about his body than himself.

Harumasa then sat down in front of his desk after carefully sticking Seth’s note on the wall in front of him, he then took out his meal for the day—a walnut energy bar and… a piece of strawberry bread. Harumasa couldn’t help but let an awkward smile show on his face, ignoring the energy bar (which was his most common meal choice, unfortunately), the strawberry bread certainly is a surprise. Not that Harumasa had anything against sweets, of course, it was just that bitterness in his meal can always prepare him for the meds later.

Instinctively, Harumasa reached for the energy bar and opened it with much familiarity. Finishing it in three bites, he washed it all down with some water and leaned back on his chair. While waiting for his body to digest his meal before diving straight into medicine, he looked up toward the ceiling. Due to the poor lighting, Harumasa couldn’t really see anything, but the corner of his eye still saw a couple of colorful Public Security posters on Seth's side, and a growing cobweb on his own side. Harumasa then made a mental note to beg Seth to eliminate the spider someday.

Just when he was about to close his eyes and rest for a bit, he heard a sound from his phone, and Harumasa turned on the screen to see the name that is giving him the same, conflicting emotions.

[Wise]: Hello! I’m the guy from acting class. Here’s my schedule.
[Image sent successfully]
[Wise]: I’m basically free during the afternoons, but sometimes I have to work during the night.
[Wise]: So I may need to rearrange my schedule if you’re only free then.

Harumasa clicked on the photo that Wise sent, and just as he said, most of his afternoons are free (except the day with their acting class), with his classes stacked in the mornings. Since Harumasa was never an early bird, he is forever impressed by students who are able to wake up at 8 a.m. for more than two days a week.

wow you have classes every morning :[Asaba Harumasa]

don’t you feel super tired afterwards? :[Asaba Harumasa]

[Wise]: I mean… kinda?
[Wise]: But I have work in the night, so sometimes I need to prepare beforehand in the afternoon.
[Wise]: Have to pay the bills somehow haha…

what kinda job do you do? :[Asaba Harumasa]

nothing dangerous i hope? ha :[Asaba Harumasa]

For some reason, there was a longer pause after Harumasa asked Wise about his job, and just when he was about to turn off his phone and take out his meds, a reply appeared.

[Wise]: I work as a cashier! A part time job
[Wise]: So that’s why I’m not free during the night. night shifts and all that

my condolences /j :[Asaba Harumasa]

[Wise]: Well it’s actually not that bad once you get used to it
[Wise]: Anyway, did you eat anything yet?

Despite not understanding why admitting what he did for a part-time job took Wise a while to answer, Harumasa was once again attacked with something that he had decided to call “Sudden Kindness Attack.” Which is basically any normal kind thing that others do which in turn makes him feel guarded or uneasy. Trauma really does weird things to people’s minds.

yeahhhhh :[Asaba Harumasa]

why do you care anyway haha? :[Asaba Harumasa]

[Wise]: I just want to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself.
[Wise]: You seem to care a lot for others, but neglect your own well being.
[Wise]: Sorry if that’s weird haha…

Harumasa stayed his thumb on Wise’s messages and bit his lower lip. Feeling unease, confusion and that new, tingling feeling that had started to stir inside his chest, he eyed the piece of bread on his desk, and after thinking for a while, he grabbed it and opened the package.

Upon opening the package, an unfamiliar and sweet scent filled the air around him. Harumasa then took a small bite, and despite being someone whose usual diet only revolves around energy bars and pills, he couldn’t help but admit that having a new flavor splashed into his life is certainly a refreshing change.

He took more bites as time went on, and before he knew it, he had finished the bread a lot sooner than he had expected it. Maybe he didn’t dislike sweets as much as he thought.

After taking a quick picture of the empty package, Harumasa opened his phone once more.

[Image sent successfully]

done :[Asaba Harumasa]

are you proud of me now? <3 :[Asaba Harumasa]

[Wise]: Hey! So you didn’t eat after all!
[Wise]: But I’m glad you ate something now.
[Wise]: So yes, I’m proud of you.

This was one of the rare instances where Harumasa regrets his own playful, bantering words, and the tingling in his chest grows stronger despite his intention to fight back against it. Normally, people will just roll their eyes at his silly words and tell him “Oh shut up!” But seeing someone taking his disposable banters this seriously surely is a first for Harumasa, and he unfortunately had not developed a script around situations like this.

Therefore, in an attempt to not let those unnecessary feelings show, Harumasa quickly dragged their conversation to its original purpose.

aw thankies :[Asaba Harumasa]

but anyway are you free tmr night? :[Asaba Harumasa]

[Wise]: Ah… I have a job that night
[Wise]: I mean shift
[Wise]: How about the afternoon after that? Friday afternoon?

sure cool see you then! :[Asaba Harumasa]

gn byeee :[Asaba Harumasa]

[Wise]: Goodnight!

With a sigh, Harumasa tossed his phone on his bed and plopped onto the desk. As someone who is supposedly good at handling conversations and being charismatic, he had no idea why this guy he literally just met some hours ago had the uncanny ability to make him not… act like himself. Or whatever, Harumasa still hadn’t figured out Wise’s intention or motivation to say what he says and do what he does.

The only thing Harurmasa knew for sure is that Wise is a person that he still needs to keep an eye on. He knew that this is probably just his defensive mechanism working overtime, but can anyone really blame him for taking a bit more time to observe whether this extremely hospitable guy who fed him strawberry bread with a calming smile is a horrible person or not? The twisting and conflicting feelings certainly validates this concern.

In an attempt to stop obsessing over whatever happened earlier, Harumasa went back to his usual night routine. He grabbed his bag from the floor and stuck his hand into it. After pushing aside some handouts, pens, and energy bar packages, he finally found the sphere container that had stuck with him through thick and thin.

He mindlessly shook the container and heard the meds inside it bounce and click with one another. Apparently, the orb-like shape is supposed to resemble a toy from who knows where and make patients feel more comforted when taking their meds, but this thing had been with Harumasa so long that he no longer pays attention to its unique and delicate design.

Without much thinking, Harumasa opened the container swiftly and poured tonight’s meds on his palm. He then poked them with his finger, counting them.

One, three, five, eight, twelve.

The usual amount, not the amount for those especially bad days, but the exact amount for days when he felt like he was too tired to fall asleep. Grabbing his water bottle with his other hand, he quickly washed the meds all down with one gulp. His mind then kindly reminded him how someone would praise him for taking his meds with this much bravery, but Harumasa also washed that memory down with another gulp of water.

Knowing that he was about to feel drowsy from the meds soon, Harumasa turned off the lamp on his desk and rolled onto his bed. He took a deep breath and looked toward the ceiling above him. From the faint light from outside, he could see tiny clusters of dust stuck on it, and the voices inside his head echoed.

“If you connect this dot with that one, it would look like the moon!”

“Annnnd… if we add some lines here… Look! That looks like a flower now!”

Carefree laughters from the silver cage, a place that made his imaginations run wild.

But eventually, he ran out of breath, and was left with no answer to his scars and his meds and the precious fluid that circulated inside his body. And where ever did he go?

Harumasa then slowly put down his hand that was tracing the dots above him and laughed a little at himself for still indulging in pointless questions like these. He’d like to think that still being able to find some humor within himself means that the swirling ball of emotions inside his chest isn’t going to burst out anytime soon.

Feeling the meds’ effect getting stronger, Harumasa then closed his eyes and felt himself falling. Falling back to the pitch black space with a single, bleeding golden star. Falling back to the familiar strike of pain against his chest, and hoping for the fleeting high of breathing in a moment of tranquility.

Before he completely fell asleep, he hugged a pillow to his chest and heard the trees rustled with the distant laughter of students who enjoy yelling at night,

and tasted the sweet scent of strawberry that still stubbornly lingered inside his mouth.