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This was it. He was going to do it. He was going to say that no, he couldn't do what he was being asked to.
And he did genuinely have plans! With himself, sure, but even so. His therapist said that was alright – that he needed to take time to himself as well.
An empty cup can't quench anyone's thirst.
He liked that.
Buck opened his mouth, determined to say he was unavailable, and –
“Sure, of course man. What time?”
GODDAMMIT!
And that, unfortunately, was how it usually went.
Until one day, Buck tried to set the accepted script on fire.
Same thing happened the next shift – assumptions that Buck was free; that he would drop anything and everything he had going on to accommodate anyone and everyone else.
Assumptions that no, of course Buck had nothing going on so was free for whatever they wanted.
And Buck did genuinely have plans – with other people this time as well, so he wasn't about to screw them over for the sake of the others. Right?
“So, you can babysit this weekend, right? Awesome,” Chim clapped him on a shoulder as he walked by, not even giving Buck a chance to answer one way or another. “Be there for 5 Saturday, alright? Maddie and I have dinner reservations.”
“Actually –” Buck attempted, and was it always like this and he'd just never noticed? Chim hadn't even asked him was the thing, just… assumed he would do it!
“What, that past your bedtime?” Chim snorted, then chortled at his own joke. “Plan to be there a while Buckley, your sister deserves a nice break.”
Eddie was coming up the stairs to the loft now, and making a beeline for Buck. “Hey man, you're good to watch Chris for me Saturday night, right? I've got a date,”
And again with the just… assuming he was available and would do it.
Buck could feel his heart throbbing away in his throat, and his chest felt tight.
Christ, it should not be this hard to say no! Was he feeling lightheaded? He was totally feeling lightheaded!
Man, why did they have to do this at the start of the shift? This was going to be such an awkward shift when he said no..
If he managed to say no…
“Um…”
“Snooze you lose, Diaz. Buck's watching Jee that night.” Chimney fired back with a smirk, and a condescending pat to Eddie's shoulder this time as he passed him by, still on his way to – oh, the coffee pot apparently. Figured. “Better luck next time, buddy,”
“No way!” OK, why the hell was Eddie altering course to follow Chimney, and not, oh I dunno, talking about this with Buck? You know, the guy they both wanted free labour from?
But naturally, his time and own personal wants – let alone feelings – didn't even register as a consideration.
Seriously, were they always like this?!
No one else in the vicinity seemed to have found anything out of the ordinary, so… yes? Oh man…
“Buck always watches Chris! He loves doing it!” Eddie was still arguing his case to Chimney – notably not to Buck.
“Hey guys…?”
“It's great, I don't have to find a babysitter I'll actually have to pay!”
…wow, Eddie. Wow.
Chim just shrugged, leaning back against the counter with his now full mug and yet another smirk.
Condescending prick.
…oh shit, Buck had not just thought that!
…actually no! He totally was right now! Yeah!
And Buck was allowed to have opinions, dammit, even if those opinions were briefly negative towards members of his… family.
His feelings were valid, and important.
(...He was… working on actually believing that.)
“Sorry, buddy. Buck's already offered his free babysitting services to my adorable daughter.” Um, Buck had what now? Buck had not ‘offered’ anything, thank you very much! “Guess you'll have to find someone else,” He shrugged dismissively, as if they weren't talking about an actual human being with thoughts and opinions of his own.
“Actually I –”
“Hell no, Chim! Chris loves Buck, and he's been bugging me recently about wanting to see him. Think he wants him to take him to – …uh, I dunno actually, I can't remember.
“But Buck's spending the weekend at mine!”
Um, what?! Buck was apparently now conscripted for an entire weekend, not just an evening?!
Without even asking him about ANY of it?!
And this was his so-called best friend?!
The doc was right, he did seem to have rather one sided relationships with his nearest and dearest if this conversation was anything to go by, didn't he…
“Oh, is Buck babysitting Chris for your hot date?” Hen inserted herself into the narrative now, grabbing a cup of coffee for herself, and would this never end?! “Hey, would Chris mind some extra company? I need someone to watch Denny, the boys could have a sleepover?”
Would Chris mind?!
“Excuse me…?”
Eddie smirked at Chim, apparently already savouring his ‘victory’. “Sounds great Hen – I'm sure Chris and Denny both would be thrilled. There was some… I dunno, science thing or something Chris wanted Buck to take him to, I'm sure Buck could bring Denny too?”
“Well, depending what it is…” Hen mused, looking a little dubious but apparently ultimately deciding to go along with it. “Well, I'm sure they'll have fun. Saturday OK? I can drop Denny off around eleven?”
“Yeah, that works,” Eddie agreed, apparently not even noticing Buck who was stood by them by now, having drifted over in a somewhat disbelieving haze.
Seriously, were these people always like this?!?!?!
“Uh, guys? Seriously –”
“Chris will be thrilled,” Eddie, of course, kept right on talking. “And Buck can feed him lunch and dinner – did you have a time you needed to be back for Denny?”
Hen shrugged. “Not sure – by eight for sure though? Hopefully I won't be that long, but with Karen away this weekend at a conference…”
“I get it,” Eddie assured quickly. “Good thing Buck's willing to work for free, huh!”
And, ok, now they were actually kind of pissing Buck off.
What was pissing him off even more was that he knew he would usually just go along with this – he would let them just walk all over and use him like this.
And they all knew it too.
“Great,” Hen smiled, and turned to Buck. “Thanks for doing this, you're a life saver,’
Buck opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, trying desperately to get the words he needed out. His stomach was churning, and he felt a cold sweat break out.
WHY was it so hard to speak up?!
The doc said… the doc said…
OK. She said they wouldn't drop him when he wasn't being 'useful', so…
He was allowed to have his own life, and to not be available at their beck and call, their every whim.
HE WAS ALLOWED TO NOT BE AVAILABLE.
He'd missed his chance – Hen was already turning away.
“Hey, do you think we should mention it to Athena? It might be nice to get the boys together for a day before Harry goes back to Florida,” She was saying, and then Chimney was speaking up over them all again.
And why could CHIMNEY speak up, yet Buck couldn't seem to?!
“Hey hey, Buck is babysitting Jee! He is NOT available Saturday night for your whims!”
Eddie rolled his eyes at him, “Oh come off it Chim, you and Maddie can go out any time. You guys live together! And I might actually like this woman so –”
“Oh, because you have such a stellar track record on the dating front,” Chimney cut in scathingly with an eyeroll of his own. “Christ Eddie, just cancel – save the poor woman the awkwardness. You said just the other week you don't want to be dating anyway! Something about your aunt not giving up?”
“Well, maybe this one will be different!” Eddie almost whined, but Buck barely registered it – he was too busy psyching himself up for what he needed to do “I actually asked her myself, no nosy Tìa’s getting involved!”
“Well, no reason why Buck can't take Jee and the boys for the evening, is there?” Hen pointed out, apparently thinking she was being reasonable.
Buck disagreed.
Now to just verbalise that…
“I mean, it would probably have to be at yours for a bit Chim, but a bit of a late night for once won't hurt the boys? They'd probably feel very grown up about it! So Buck could watch Jee at yours until you and Maddie get back, and I can either pick Denny up from here if I'm back before you or get him from Eddie's place once Buck brings the boys there? Assuming he's watching them at yours, Eddie?” She added with a smirk, “First date and all? Not planning on having a late night guest, are you?”
Eddie rolled his eyes again, but smirked good naturedly. “I wasn't planning on it, no. I don't mind having them at mine – probably better than Buck's place anyway. I mean, Chris loves it, but…”
“More fun for the boys at yours,” Hen agreed, Hen glanced over at Buck. “You don't mind, do you Buck?”
OK, this was it, he could do it! Show time!
“Yes,” He said – and bloody hell, it had never been harder to get a word out in his entire life he didn't think!
Wait, shit! He was meant to be saying NO! That was the whole point of this, it was a very difficult word to get out!
...well, he supposed in spirit
Chimney was rolling his eyes, yet again disregarding anything Buck said, “Of course he doesn't mind,” He waved seemingly the entire concept of Buck minding off dismissively. “What else is he going to be doing anyway?”
Hen, however, had frowned briefly at Buck's reply, before being quickly distracted by Chimney.
Eddie, the bastard, didn't even seem to have registered that Buck had spoken, too busy working at Chimney.
“I do mind,” Buck tried again, and was more than a little relieved – and surprised – to find that his voice was stronger this time.
“Yeah right,” Eddie scoffed, apparently under the impression Buck was… what, pulling his leg or something? “Since when do you say no to someone asking you to hang out with Chris?”
“But you didn't ask,” Buck heard himself snap, “Did you.”
Eddie's eyes narrowed at him, and Buck caught a glimpse of that oh-so familiar anger – always bubbling away there below the surface, ready to spring up at a moment's notice.
Usually, Buck backed away quickly – he'd poked the beast before and been signed by the flames, he wasn't eager for a repeat performance.
Today? He was all out of fucks to give.
Hen blinked at them. “Buck –”
“None of you.” Buck was still snapping, and he felt kind of like he was having an out of body experience. He was most definitely lightheaded, and he felt like he could feel his heartbeat in his toes. “Not one of you actually asked if I was even available to watch your kids, let alone if I would be willing. No, instead you just decided to work it out amongst yourselves, with not one word spoken to me!
“And I'm not, by the way.”
“Not what?” Chimney scoffed.
“Not available.” Buck snapped right back.
“Oh for God's sake!” Eddie snapped, growing his hands in the air and looking around as if to silently relay ‘can you believe this guy?!’ “Here we go! All about you, right Buck?! God, don't be so selfish – can't you think about someone else for once?!”
“Or here's a novel idea, Eddie,” Buck damn near snarled back. “How about for once, YOU think about someone other than yourself!”
“Excuse me?”
Buck was utterly unsurprised when Eddie took a threatening step towards him.
It was his go to move, Buck distantly registered in some cold, detached part of his mind.
Eddie didn't like when things didn't go his way.
And Buck, more often than not, let him have his way.
He had already got a glimpse in the past of what would happen if Buck put even so much as a toe out of the imaginary line that seemed to move at the whims of others.
His therapist assured him it wouldn't happen, but...
Today? Today he was past caring.
“You heard me. It's always your way or no way, isn't it? Well, here's a word you don't hear often Diaz: no. No, I will not watch Chris on Saturday. No, Chimey, I will not watch Jee. No, Hen, I will not watch Denny.
“No, I am not available – not that even one of you thought to ask!"
“Buck –” Hen began again, but Buck decided to take a page out of their collective playbook and just roll right on over them.
“If you had thought to ask, you would know that I am not available on Saturday.”
“What, you have some super important plans?” Chimney scoffed disbelievingly. “As if! Change them,” He shrugged – as if it was just that simple for him. “Maddie deserves this dinner, Buckley, and you are not about to be the one to ruin it!”
“I’m not the one ruining anything, Howard. It's not my fault you didn't bother to actually sort childcare before making plans. And no, I will not change my plans. Not for any of you.
“And yes, I know I generally just go along with whatever the hell you lot throw at me and let you just walk all over me. But not this time.”
“You’d really be so selfish?!” Eddie was glaring at him, and really, why was Buck even surprised?
Guess people really did show their worst traits in times of stress – or whatever the saying was… Buck actually had no idea. Had he just made that up?
And why would Buck saying no even be a stressful time?
Then again, it was a well established fact that Eddie Diaz did not do well with change.
Not that you would ever catch anyone admitting that…
“What about Chris?! Did you even think about how disappointed he'll be?!”
“What about Chris?” Buck snapped right back – utterly done with being guilted with a kid who wasn't even his own.
Eddie did that a lot. That had been a shocking realization to come to in therapy…
“He has his own phone, he can contact me himself if he wants to! And any disappointment is on you if you told him I'd be spending an entire weekend with him without actually asking me first!”
“Oh alright, you've made your point Buck,” Chimney rolled his eyes good naturedly, apparently trying to sweep this all away with a light chuckle. Figured. "Good one. Sorry we didn't ask you first, your highness – it's not like you'd actually say no!”
“Well, I'm saying it now.” Buck told him coldly. “And if any of you had bothered to ask me,” He added, cutting off Hen again as she went to speak. Of all of them, she was the only one who was frowning at him. Why? Did she realise he was genuinely pissed off?
Or did she think he had been replaced by an alien or something like in that one movie Chimney had tried to make him watch and Buck had promptly forgotten most of – he forgot what it was called…
“You would know I am not available because I will not be in L.A. So don't even think about just… dropping your kid off at my place with no warning, or something!”
Sadly, something Eddie had done to him before – multiple times, actually.
“Wait, you're not?” Hen looked briefly startled. “But – where are you going?!”
“How is that any of your business?” Buck asked, scowling right back at her. “Look, I'm going out of town directly after shift ends. It's the start of my four off, and I'm getting out of L.A. for a bit, meeting up with a couple of friends up the coast while we're all vaguely in the same area. I'll be back in time for my next scheduled shift.
“So sorry to rain on your parade, but your free babysitting service is not available. And in the future,” He added quickly, seeing both Eddie and Chimney apparently gearing up to argue some more. “I would appreciate it if you would actually ask if I am available, let alone willing, before just assuming I will pick up your slack when you can't be bothered sorting anything else!”
Then Buck did the sensible thing.
He mic dropped.
…OK, he actually turned tail and ran away.
But still! He had done it! He had said no!
He felt fucking awful physically, it had to be said, and he was a little worried his heart was about to beat right out of his chest.
Was that medically possible?
He was fairly certain it was not, but given his luck…
OK. OK, he had done it.
He had stood up for himself – he had said no.
The doc would be proud of him – he was pretty proud of himself, actually. It took him a moment to realize what that feeling was though – it was certainly not a feeling he was accustomed to experiencing. Sometimes in therapy, which was nice.
He was going to be sick, wasn't he?
Man, maybe he should say the Q- word – keep everyone distracted from trying to confront him for the rest of his shift; trying to badger him into submission.
Because they would. They were not at all used to hearing him tell them no – not for anything…
Then again – hm. Did he really want to spend countless prolonged periods of time confined in the cab with them? No thank you…
This was going to be a looooong shift…
Unsurprisingly, come Saturday Buck's phone was blowing up with angry messages.
Well, he had warned them he was unavailable for their whims this weekend. It was their own damn fault they had – what? Thought he was bluffing? What would even have been the point?
Instead of pandering to them, Buck did something he had never done before: he muted their various chats.
Then he muted Maddie too when his sister got in on the action. To the shock of no one, ever… She had, after all, never met a boundary of his that she didn't view as a goddamned invitation.
For now, he was going to enjoy the surprising feeling of freedom being outside L.A. was giving him.
The rest of it was a future Buck's problem.