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He wasn’t good with this sort of thing.
He’d seen it in books, in movies. It seemed to be a holy sort of thing, a distinction meant to be cast upon those worthy, those with the right toolkit to traverse it.
It was not the sort of prestige meant to be given to a tired, broken sinner of a man such as himself.
But what his thoughts refused to acknowledge, his soul seemed to accept without hesitation or protest. He should keep up his wariness, remember how it turned out for his mother, how he swore to himself time and time again that he would never, never let himself turn into that monster of a man-
But just standing next to her felt like a tunnel. A tunnel into a refuge that he had ached for his whole life it seemed. It was blue. Blue like rushing water in a crystal stream. Blue like the berries used in all manner of heartwarming treats- jams and jellies, tarts and pies and muffins. Blue like the azure of the summer skies of his youth, when he’d lay in his grandmother’s yard with a book under an almost sacred dome of contentment.
He never thought twice about her. Never with her. It was almost as though they had known each other their whole lives.
This foreign bliss of another’s affection was going to drive him mad. He was sure of it.
He needed to get it off his chest to one of the few he trusted most.
❦
After the call was accepted, he picked up his phone and put it to his ear.
“Good evening, Ivan.”
“Oh my God! Is that really you on the other end, Kolya? No fucking way! The Kolya I know doesn’t call people! The real Kolya doesn’t even talk to people! It’s an imposter! The real Nikolai Petrov has been kidnapped!! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIEEE!!!”
A long pause on his end. A deep, audible sigh of exasperation - and just a touch of brotherly affection - escaped him before speaking again.
“…..Ivan, I’d like to talk with you.”
“Fire away, dude. You have no clue how boring it is over here at base for me, man. Like I do enjoy not being out there freezing my balls off and getting shot at, but this place feels like school part two, electric boogaloo, except there’s no wide variety of kids making things fun with their drama. Please, Kolya, talk to me brother.”
“…There’s something that’s been going on in my head. I’m trusting you, despite the dangers and risks of that decision, to help me, since I know you’ve been in this position before.”
“Heh, come to me for advice after all these years-“
“No gloating, I beg you. Please don’t say anything until I’m done. The issue- it’s this. There’s….how do I say this….someone I’m- er, I have become friends with in recent months.”
Despite desperately needing help, it was best to play it safe knowing how hyperactive Ivan’s imagination could be, and he didn’t want any conclusions to be jumped to. Some white lies and generalizations wouldn’t hurt. He continued on.
“I’m very grateful for the friendship this person has offered me, and it’s quite surprising too, seeing as they live in the town I’m deployed in. You don’t need to be a genius to find that baffling. Yet this friendship- I guess- I suppose what I’m saying is that after so long, I don’t know how to deal with a blessing like this. I- now I know I’m usually more articulate than this, but I can’t think of another way to say this; I don’t feel like I deserve the happiness that this person is giving me. That’s the bare, honest truth, and I’m telling you because you’re my friend, and I need your help. What do I do? What can I do? I need answers, Vanya.”
Another long pause, this time on Ivan’s end. A prolonged moment in which the two men braved the solitude of their own thoughts. And then, a crack of light. Ivan spoke, his smile audible in his words like a sunbeam.
“Kolya, I might just be bad at math, but I can’t count all the years we’ve been friends on both my hands. And in all those years, you’ve proven time and time again that if anyone, absolutely anyone, deserves more friendship than just one idiot named Ivan, it’s you. I can’t pretend to understand what you’ve been through in your life - you know what I mean. But for someone who has survived as much as you, I say something like this is more than what you deserve- it’s way, wayyyy overdue, man. This advice is gonna be a tough pill to swallow knowing you, but it’s the only answer I can think of, so please take time to consider it. Kolya, when truly good things appear, you need to abandon your thoughts and grab them. Don’t think, just grab them tight, and don’t let them go. Because when you know they’re truly good, you also know that they won’t go away.”