Archive of Our Own ^beta

He had died.

Lance had died.

And nobody told Keith.

He left for the blade of marmora and never knew what happened to his fellow paladin, his friend, his crush. That secret had been kept away, a box never to be opened again, something that Keith should have never known.

Until he did.

Lance got resurrected and his friends thought that canceled it? That Keith should therefore never know? Keith couldn't wrap his head around that.

He didn't even learn it via Lance. Coran had been the one to let it slip out once when Keith had had a few weeks free from the blade of marmora because of an injury that needed him to rest, much to his dismay.

'Well at least your injuries heal well, young paladin! Gods know how long it took Lance to heal up after that incident! It felt like I was taking care of his wounds every minute!' Coran said after remaking Keith's bandages

'What incident?' Keith knew at that moment he should have kept in contact more with the paladins, instead of shunning them out because he had finally gotten the chance to learn about his origins, to have a part in a community that understood him.

'Didn't Lance tell you? I thought you two had gotten closer! Well then it's perhaps not my place to tell you this red paladin,' Coran said as he looked away, seemingly not having any ill intent behind his words.

Keith left the infirmary without saying a word.

He didn't even remember how he got there, but he was suddenly standing at the feet of the red lion, entering the trap to the cockpit. He was thankful she still accepted him, even after all these months apart. Even more than that, he felt her in his mind, embracing him as though she was beyond grateful to have him back, even if it was just for a short while.

“I missed you red you know?” Keith said just above a whisper, probably more to reassure himself than to reassure his lion he then thought.

As he sat down in front of the cockpit, he could feel red becoming uneasy, and he knew this was where the accident happened.

“Please tell me what happened,” red whined painfully at Keith's question

Suddenly Keith could see images in his mind of red retelling the moment that happened.

The blue lion, the galra ship charging its laser at it, Lance screaming while dashing to Allura's lion, a white flash until Allura entered the red lion and made the entire place glow like those beautiful wormholes Keith always admired, all to resurrect Lance.

But Keith felt the energy that got drained out of red while the white flash was the only thing she could recount from the event. The lions were tied to a place deep into their souls. Keith knew what that flash meant. Lance had died. Even if it was just for a minute, seconds even, he had died and no one told Keith.

He stormed out of red headed for his room. Every object left in that room had a thin layer of dust and there was what he thought was mold near the entrance to the bathroom but Keith didn't care. He started pushing and throwing everything he could find to the floor. He screamed and he punched at seemingly nothing, but also everything at the same time. He was so caught up in this whirlpool of confusing and contradicting emotions he didn't even notice when Lance entered his room.

“Wow buddy you mind keeping it down? Some of us here would like to go to sleep.” He was joking, Keith found he had died and on top of never saying it to him, he was joking around.

“When were you going to tell me?” He saw Lance in his pyjamas from across the room, confused as to what he could be talking about

“Okay you’re not making any sense. Time to get you to bed grandpa” Lance approached him and took his hand. Keith drew his hand back and nearly slapped himself.

“No, I’m not going to bed”

“And why exactly wouldn’t you, big guy?” Keith knew Lance was already getting tired of his theatrics, little did he know Keith was tired of him too.

“Why didn’t you tell me you died! I was a phone call away! Why are you guys keeping information away from me! I care about you and you didn’t tell me, none of you. What? Am I not deserving of knowing what happened, what’s next huh? The castle burns down and none of you tell me? I know I’ve been away but I’m a paladin too you know!” Keith yelped, trying to make sense of his emotions as he was saying them

“You weren't supposed to know… how do you know this?” Lance looked around, never meeting Keith's eye, doing so would mean seeing the hurt that he caused him, making all of it real.

Lance stormed out of the room, not angry, not sad, simply with tears running down his face and the warping of the air around his body as he ran. Where, he didn't know until he came face to face with his lion, the one that constantly reminded him of Keith during fights, even as he died.

Without even speaking a word, the particle barrier around the red lion came down and the mystical robot opened her jaw to let her new paladin inside. Feeling his breathing evening out, Lance stepped in and heard the particle barrier come back up, red protecting him from harm, whichever form it could take.

He entered the cockpit and felt the warmth the lion often provided him, especially after Keith's disappearance to the blade of marmora. He sat down in the mildly uncomfortable seat in which he took one too many of his last breaths, he had laid low in every mission since then as he feared dying again, more than he would like to admit. The explosion in the beginning of his paladin journey had not been so dramatic, except he in fact could not remember the “bonding moment” Keith claimed they had had, as he was still tuning in and out of consciousness even after being brought back. Still, the only recognizable pattern in these temporary deaths was that he had always sacrificed himself in a selfless act to save others, that the need to save everyone he met was his biggest strength and weakness at the same time. Two sides of the same coin, codependent and able to disrupt the balance of the universe if one existed while canceling the other.

As the painful memories were being brought back to his memory, despite red's best attempt to block them out, he saw from afar Keith, or more so heard him, as Keith was banging on the particle barrier out of frustration, begging red to let him come beyond it. Lance saw him but didn't budge, all he could think about was how handsome he looked. Even in times of pain, Lance couldn't help it, even though he knew Keith didn't like him back, he couldn't help himself from looking at that forbidden fruit Sunday school had taught him could never be touched. He knew how his mother would disapprove of how much the other boy was on his mind but the knowledge that one of their moments was only able to be remembered by one of them hurt him deeply, like a gash he could never stop no matter how much pressure was put on it.

“Fucking hell red let me in! I need to talk to him! Please!” Lance could hear the muffled screams Keith was making and then felt red asking if she could let Keith in.

“Sure,” Lance answered, still looking into the void outside of the cockpit and admiring the particle barrier breaking away into millions of shining pieces and as Keith entered red's domain, compacting back together to form as one once again, reminding him of the starry sky he always admired when he was home.

Keith came into the cockpit, quiet as a mouse for reasons unbeknownst to Lance before he realised it was probably the training at the blade that made him change his habit of being loud when walking.

“I'm so sorry Lance, I didn't mean to yell, I swear,” Keith explained softly as he joined Lance in front of the commands of the lion “but why didn't you tell me? I thought we got over the rivalry thing, I mean we have been teammates for a while now I thought you knew I would care if things happened to you. I would have come rushing if any one of the paladins needed help, especially you Lance. You are my right hand man and I know you would always have my six, don't you think that about me?” Keith reached out to grab Lance's hand but Lance quickly tucked his arm away from Keith's reach

“You know damn well I know you'd do anything for the team, but I also know I don't have the right to take you away from the blade, not when you're as close to home as you'll ever be. I don't have that chance, haven't had it for a while actually, and I know you care about us, about me. But that's the fucking problem here. You care about me as much as you do Pidge and Hunk, it's not the same on my side of things.”

“I know I’m not as close to you as you are with Hunk and Pidge but‐”

“No. You don't get it. I care about you more than I care about either of them. Way more. That's the problem here. Knowing you would come rushing not out of affection but out of camaraderie would have killed me because if I came rushing to you, I'd never let you get away from me. And I have made my peace with it. I told the team not to tell you because I knew you'd react rashly but not in the same way I would have if it was the other way around. I have buried my feelings ever since you left and even if I can't help it, I can't be with you. I can't disappoint my family like this. I can't let myself down like this, I am a sinner and I can't think of a way of getting rid of my sins other than keeping these feelings away. I couldn't have you near during a vulnerable time because it would have meant breaking every promise I've made myself. I can't do this. I still need a home to come back to at the end of this and I can't be a sinner there. I really wish I knew how to quit you but I don't. I'd like to return to my room now please let me go.”

Lance pushed Keith away with his shoulder and went down red's jaw, not hearing Keith following after him “Wait! Please just let me say something.”

Keith was simply met with silence and a glare from the new red paladin.

“I know where you are coming from with your words but you are so, so, terribly wrong. I love you Lance, I do. And I'll keep it a secret from the world if that means I'll be able to hold you. It's not a sin to love, and that's all I can do during this war”

All Keith could notice as he was talking was the tears rolling down Lance's cheeks, his eyes seemingly unable to look away from Keith's no matter the pain it was causing him.

“The only person from whom you should keep it a secret is me.”

Lance turned on his heels and broke the particle barrier into a million pieces, this time not floating, but falling harshly to the ground before evaporating into thin air.