Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Have a good night Bella! I hope things get better!” Alex, the liquor store clerk and ex classmate, yelled out to me as the door sensor announced my rushed exit. I gave a half hearted wave and stomped over to my ancient truck, embarrassed. It was bad enough three credit cards declined before one would work. I wish people would stop saying that things will get better. Things simply aren’t going to get better.

The small town of Forks Washington was a place for the lonesome and the despaired. As I drove, it felt like a never ending prison of green, with scary things hiding in the shadows that were closing in on me. It was the place I feared I would die, cold and wet and alone. I drove through the winding pot holed road that led to my cabin, the one left for me by my father Charlie.

I tucked the bottles of cheap red wine in my armpit as I slammed my car door shut and sulked over to the mailbox. I grabbed the three dreaded letters in it, feeling my blood pressure increase with each one. I sighed to myself and glanced at the wine with longing. The bottle read “wine is bottled poetry” I rolled my eyes. No, wine is relief from never ending misery.

As if to prove my point, the sky rumbled and rain dumped from the sky. Forks Washington always loved to partake in the contribution to my suffering. I hurried up the steps before the wine bottles got too slick and I shattered one, because I knew I would need both tonight.

What must’ve been the trillionth storm in Washington was here.

“In more ways than one.” I grumbled to myself and set my things down. I stared at the electricity bill labeled “OVERDUE” yelling at me in big red capital letters. Bile collected in my stomach.

The water bill peeked out behind it with the same message. I sighed and wanted to throw up. The sky rumbled angrily outside, and I glared at the rain as it started to run down the living room windows, pissed off that the weather seemed to be in tune with my mood.

Before I could look at the bill, I grabbed my bottle of my bullshit poetry red wine and popped the cork open, gulping down straight from the bottle, working up the courage to receive the bad news. I slowly opened the envelope, and threw it back down when I saw the balance, $236.90 overdue, due in three days time. Total amount owed - $546.72. Fuck me.

“How am I supposed to do this?” I exhaled sharply and dropped my face into my hands and swallowed back the stress bile now rising up my throat, pushing back the pathetic tears threatening to overspill. When has crying ever solved my money problems? When has crying ever made two zeros magically fall off my bills?

Just as I was sure I was about to vomit everywhere, my phone started ringing.“Forks High” read the name. I snatched it up. Must be Angela. Some teacher fallen ill probably.

“Hello?” I said into the phone, fingers crossed that my voice wasn’t already slurring.

“Bella? Hey, it’s Angela here at the high school. I’m sorry it’s a bit late but our grade twelve biology teacher Mr. Brown needed to have an emergency heart surgery. Because of the circumstances, we won’t have a bio teacher for at the very least, a few weeks. We are desperate to find someone to sub in, I was hoping to see if you could fill in?” Angela’s voice tinged with positive hesitancy, unsure of my response, hoping for the best. My response tumbled over my lips before I even gave it a thought.

“Yes! Yes!” I jumped off the stool and punched the air with excitement, this couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. I had subbed for my high school many times, albeit only a day or two. I shoved down the anxiety as quickly as it came, knowing Angela was there would help. She was the only true friend I had in school, and we still remained so, though I kept my distance from those I loved after the world turned its back on me. It was just easier, but I couldn’t deny how lonely it made living.

“Yes, absolutely I can. Mr. Brown… He’s a nice man. I’m sorry to hear about that, I hope he pulls through.” I tacked the last part on as an afterthought, not wanting to seem insensitive. But damn! It was hard to curb my relief when this call really could not have come at a better time.

“When can I start?”

“Great! Well since it’s the middle of the school week, tomorrow morning?” She asked.

“I’ll be there. Thank you so much Ang! It’ll be fun to catch up.” I said, but it didn’t come out as wholehearted as I wanted. My detest to talk to any people about anything made “catching up” sound like swallowing tacks.

“No, thank you Bella. You totally saved our asses here. See you tomorrow girl, I’ll be there a bit early to help you get settled. Sorry to call so late. Hope I didn’t interrupt anything?” She was asking a question within a question, as if she didn’t already know the answer.

“Ha, you know me. Still no guy. Just me and my bottle of wine and creepy cabin in the woods.” I said with feigned sarcasm, forcing out a giggle to pretend like it was a joke. It wasn’t, obviously. And I never undermined Angela’s emotional intelligence, she knew I was lost in life. She used to call every week to get me out of the house, but her sensitive heart couldn’t handle the rejection anymore though she knew deep down, it wasn’t personal. It meant a lot to me that she still cared about me, I greatly cared for her too. I still hold hope that I can heal to be a good enough friend one day. But getting close meant getting hurt. Yet, damn I missed her. I chased that self pity down with another few gulps of my wine.

“Don’t I know it, but call me once in a while if you want to share some, okay? Hopefully you will now that we’ll be coworkers! Alright well, I get to go home now that you’ve solved all my problems. See you bright and early, and maybe put down the bottle so your first day doesn’t totally suck. Goodnight!” Her voice was chipper with excitement and relief as the phone call closed out.

I took another swig of red wine and smirked at the bills in defiance as I put them into their respective drawer for another day, knowing I’d finally be able to pay them before shit hits the fan. A heart surgery would require a decent chunk of time. I could teach till the end of summer.

I did a spin around my kitchen with my wine, not caring when a splash spilled out of the bottle and onto my chest. I licked the wine off with my finger and laughed with relief. A job! Finally! This part of Washington only had only so many schools, and jobs in general, work was becoming sparse. I’d considered branching out… moving but… this was my father’s home that he left me. This is where my only good memories have been. Where the only love I’d ever known, lived.

I crossed the living room and threw open a window, feeling so good as the cool air settled onto my skin. I grabbed a couple logs set next to the stone fireplace and tossed them in, getting a fire going. I couldn’t afford to let the electricity bill climb any higher. I turned off the kitchen lighting, and turned on the little battery powered lights strung up back and forth along the roof, lit the candles placed in every corner, then sat down on the loveseat sofa with the last of the first and second bottle. I flipped on the television to some game show. It wasn’t long before the last sip of the wine bottle had me revising the horrific events that led me here.

I was a substitute teacher for all grades, and a damn good one. Many of my coworkers urged me to be a permanent teacher but since high school, I haven’t been able to get close to anybody, or be a consistent presence in anybody’s life. I couldn’t be responsible for children when I was hardly able to take care of myself. Making emotional connections became distasteful and exhausting to even think about.

High school was a blur of impatience, irritability and an all consuming focus on my education. Barely little fun. I experienced firsthand how fun as a teenager could fuck your life up. My routine was strictly monotonous and consistent. Get up. Go to school. Study literature and biology for my future like tomorrow would never come, then go home and be a caregiver. That was my life; boring sure, but stable, full. Sad, but honest. I at least had someone to care for. I haven’t known stability since that night. The night of graduation. The night I’ll never forget.

Acute yet blurry flashes of grabbing hands and fingernails digging in my skin flooded my mind. Muffled voices in all directions, “grab her!” “hold her still!” and deep laughing filled my mind so rapidly and unexpectedly the wine bottle slipped from my hands and clattered to the floor beneath my feet. I sat still as stone, focusing in on the details of the flickering flame and embers to distract myself before I completely lost it. My breath was stuck in my chest and I had to remember how to release it. I focused on what the therapist told me all those years ago. The only thing that makes the flashbacks stop, at least for a second.

“3… deep breath. 2… deep breath. 1… deep breath in, hold it, 1,2,3. Release.” I pushed out all my anxiety on that last exhale, and settled on the mantra “you’re okay, you’re safe”. I whispered it over and over until my muscles unlocked. I shook my head as I rose off the couch to grab a towel. Ran my hands through my damp hair. Not tonight Bella. You have work in the morning and, you need to sober up.

I cleaned up the wine, chugged a glass of water and chowed down some bread for good measure. Dizzily, I made it to the bedroom. I set an alarm for 5 am and sunk into the blankets, listening to the pit-patter of the rain on my roof until I fell headfirst into yet another nightmare.

I turned the volume on the stereo down as I pulled into the Forks High parking lot at 6:30 am sharp. I was relieved to see only two cars parked, one being Angela’s white camry. I shut the creaky door to my paint-chipped rusty orange Chevy truck, mug of coffee in hand, umbrella in the other, and headed to the office.

“Morning Angela,” I greeted her with surprisingly, genuine cheeriness, which was the result of finally having a steady job that would relieve my debt. Surely not because I was happy to be interacting.

“Bella!” She hopped up out of her receptionist seat to give me a hug. She squeezed tight and I held her lightly. “So good to see you! It’s been too long. Seriously. Anyway, I came in bright and early to organize everything you might need. It’s middle of the semester, so the class you’ll be teaching is currently learning molecular genetics, including DNA structure and function and gene expression. Easy stuff, bio was always one of your best subjects. Oh, and nice outfit. Sure making an impression on your first day back in a while.” She offered me a wide smile and a large stack of envelopes. I glanced down at myself. I was wearing my small black-horned eyeglasses, rainproof black boots that went up 3 inches below the knee, a black flowy skirt that rested just above the boots, complimented by a deep blue turtleneck tucked into the skirt, and a black peacoat. I guess I did kinda look like more like a college professor than a high school teacher. But a solid outfit made for good body armor, and demanded respect from unruly high schoolers.

“Thanks. I really appreciate you doing this for me. And you know, I need these students to know I mean business. I take biology very seriously.” I yawned and took the papers from her with actual enthusiasm.

“You don’t need to remind me.” She giggled, remembering our class together. The class in which she chattered away and I pretended not to hear her, face burrowed in study. Now she pretends like I’m not failure as I bury my face in wine.

“They might need it. Mr. Brown kinda checked out weeks ago. Poor guy has been too sick too long and then… He suffered a heart attack right here in class. We didn’t think we’d get help in time…” She choked and tears welled in her big brown eyes. I gave her a half side hug. It hurt to see her hurting.

”Okay, so. Homework still needs to be graded for today. Today is a B day. Since you’re here early, that’s where you should start. Classroom is still room 22. Let me know if you have any questions.” Angela walked back over to her desk and took a big gulp of her coffee, still wiping her tears. She was always a sensitive soul. It was something that made me more fond of Angela than the rest of my high school peers. Less violent than them too, apparently.

Determined not to let my tiredness from the previous night’s drinking and nightmare spoil my newfound good mood, I also sipped my coffee, gave Angela a nod, slipped out the door, and briskly walked over to my semi-permanent classroom.

It was just as bad as I might’ve expected. Chairs and desks were skewed about, whiteboard still full of yesterday’s lessons, and now, my desk cluttered with paperwork and Mr. Brown’s nicknacks. I set down my bag and coffee, and started by respectively tucking his items into his items into a box and prepped the classroom.

I glanced over to my old seat, first row and farthest desk to the right, where I would zone out and watch the rain when I was ahead of the class. I wonder who would be sitting there these days. The sun was just making its way up, the sky having gone from dark grey to slightly less dark grey. Rain still poured. I sighed, but allowed myself a small smile. This will be good. Today will be good.

Going through homework was the same old routine. An A+ here, typical D and F’s lingered and I made my typical notes to keep watch on the students they belonged to. Many B’s and C’s. It seems Mr. Brown hasn’t been on top of his game, and if anybody could fix that, it was me.

I had more than the usual amount to grade, as the sub from the last B day didn’t do the task. But I was fine with that as the first set of papers belonged to my very first class. One paper caught my attention. I’d have given it an A+++ if I could. It was from an Edward Cullen from period 1 on B days. Each answer was so beautifully written out, each letter in flawless cursive, diagrams had straight lines that could’ve only been achieved with a ruler, each answer was correct and with work shown too! I turned my head sideways at it and narrowed my eyes, impressed, but skeptical. I’d have to keep my eye on this boy, and not because I felt he was cheating or something, but because it was rare to come across work like this, minds like this. I would have to make sure he had a big future ahead of him.

There was a similar paper to Edward’s, from an Alice Cullen, same class period. Huh, must be his sister. Her work too, was written in exquisite cursive, but her answers were rushed with not as much work shown like she couldn’t fill it out fast enough.

Due to the perfection of both their work, I raised an eyebrow to what their home life must be like. Abuse maybe? Just very strict parents? Or is Edward the brains and her the syphon? Since they would both be attending my first class, I made a mental note about the Cullen siblings and continued with my pile of work.

I read over student names, making sure I could pronounce them correctly and research any I didn’t feel confident about. Placed aside first period’s graded homework. Set out what few nicknacks I had, a large quartz crystal tower, a book for reading between classes, Wuthering Heights of course, and a name plate that read Ms. Swan. I glanced over at the clock, 7:30. My first period would be starting in fifteen minutes.

I swallowed my anxiety and stood up to watch the rain fall down the windows. Best part about Washington? When it didn’t feel like prison, the rain puts you in a trance that washes out the rest of the world. Loud enough sometimes to drown out one’s thoughts.

That’s why heart beat erratically at the sound of an unexpected opening door behind me. Or… was that why? Because immediately my skin flushed, my heart picked up pace like a bird in flight, and the smell of freesias, cinnamon, lavender, green apple, redwood, white rose, orange, and juniper filled the room and penetrated my nose. I took a deep breath in and tingles spread over my skin. It was the most decadent, catered to my taste perfume I have ever smelt in my entire life.

All my senses were so stimulated I could pinpoint whoever was standing behind me, and the exact distance between us. Seven feet, five inches. Whomever walked in, was frozen in place at the door. No footsteps made their way through the room. But I felt so entirely, completely aware of… him, definitely a man. I couldn’t bring myself to turn from the window, as the rush of foreign feelings crept under my skin and locked my muscles in place. The air was still behind me as he was still in the doorway, but his scent permeated the room.

Fucks sake just turn around! You’re going to embarrass yourself! My body listened to my internal-scolding, in rather very eager obedience. He spoke before I could gasp at his beauty.

“G-goodmorning,” he sounded breathless. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.” His voice dripped like pleasant warm honey down my head to my feet. My nerves plucked like guitar strings. It was velvety and had a beautiful old world charm, slightly accented from a different century. He had the face of a young handsome man from that same era, the kind you’d see in old black and white movies, but more boyish and defined, dare I say completely angelic and beautiful? I reeled at his old world charm and politeness, the kind of man I used to dream about that I was hopeless I’d ever find, the kind I didn’t even know I was searching for. His face was the most perfect of all faces I had ever seen, every feature carefully placed, every part of him was perfect, crafted to my exact taste. He was so familiar, somehow…

Old world beauty didn't seem to exist in the 20th century, but here it was, waltzing into my classroom.

I couldn’t get over it. He was beyond handsome, he is startlingly, breathtakingly, heartbreakingly so beautiful it’s quite literally paralyzing. He is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

He is as beautiful as a blazing eclipse. He is twilight at the end of a perfect day. He is the sunset on the pacific ocean horizon. He is beautiful. A tall, statuesque angel. His hair a rich redwood brown. His eyes a deep amber, from what little I could see of his irises. His pupils, so dilated they looked like a dreamy night sky. His lips, such a sexy dark cherry red I wanted to taste them. His skin, so pale yet glowing, I craved to see all of him, but he was dressed similarly to I, a blue turtleneck and coat. I couldn’t bring myself to look away from him. No being that has walked this earth has ever encapsulated me more, than this angel standing just a mere seven feet from me. In a high school classroom. Did the rain finally drown me and I’ve gone to heaven?

He wore a similar expression on his face, it was like witnessing a blind man see the sun for the first time, or a hopeless Christian devotee hearing his God’s voice.

Only when he took a step did I snap out of my haze. Kind of. Enough to be coherent and back to reality. Enough… to register the backpack hanging over his shoulder, and I about slapped myself, feeling sick to my stomach. Fuck! This was a student! A student for fuck’s sake! What are you thinking ogling at a boy? I mentally scolded myself as I walked toward my desk, feeling dizzy. I needed to not look at him in the eyes, or look at his face at all. I probably look insane, and borderline pedophilic. I felt sick.

I held my breath as he continued to walk through the room, disturbingly to the desk directly in front of mine. I took a seat and swallowed another shaky sip of coffee, my hands were trembling as I set the cup down. God, why did him being so close make me vibrate? I couldn’t hold my rational train of thought, though the morality in me was screaming at me to stop feeling this way.

How could I stop feeling this way when I was still so acutely aware of him? Seven feet, then six, then five, then four, three… He pulled off his coat and sat gracefully in the chair. Our eyes met each other. The rain was distant background noise. The universe around us stopped spinning. Is it hot in here? It was just me, and him, in this room. I studied him with morbid curiosity.

His apple red lips were in a deep, knowing smirk. One eyebrow raised. Stunning shiny bronze hair was long and askew and dripping with little droplets of rain. Those encapsulating amber eyes were still dilated and wild. He wore a cocky, but reserved expression on his face, as he stretched out his arms and laced his fingers together behind his head. I tried so fucking hard not to glance at the not so subtle bicep muscles under his navy blue turtleneck, and successfully failed.

“I usually sit over there,” he nodded to my old seat. “But I think I’d like to sit here today, if that’s alright with you, Ms. Swan.” He said, eyes never leaving mine.

“S-sure. Wherever you’d like. My apologies. Uh. I’m not quite awake yet, and you sort of startled me.” I raised my coffee at him. “Goodmorning. I’m Bel-, Ms. Swan.” I mentally scolded myself again for almost introducing myself by first name to a student, and announcing my name after he’d just said it. I could not get it together. This was majorly embarrassing. “I’m filling in for Mr. Brown, finishing out you seniors. What’s your name?” I gave him a genuine smile. I breathed in his scent which seemed to calm my nervous system the more I adjusted to it. The more I calmed, the more I noticed he had a very pleasant energy to be in. Too pleasant. He felt like a sunset orange. He felt like coming home. He felt like seeing an old lover after decades, with the sparks still there. I’ve met him before, at least that’s how it felt. He was familiar and comforting.

With every word out of my mouth, he visibly shuddered, took slow, deep breaths in, and kept looking back and forth between my eyes and lips, as if my voice was affecting him just as much as his was affecting me.

“I’m Edward Cullen. Quite the pleasure to make your acquaintance, Ms. Swan.” He spoke again in that velvet, confident voice threatened to undo me. Ah, so this was the boy with the brains, naturally. Good looks and brains, I wondered if his girlfriend would be in my class, because surely he had one. He had to… and God dammit, it was none of my business.

Edward extended a hand my direction, and when I inched forward and slid mine in his, sparks lit and fire burned my skin with the most pleasurable flames in existence, though his hands were cold. Soft gentle whispers flowed between us. The fire spread into my tendons, down to my bones and to my blood so intensely we both pulled away at the same time. He tucked his hand back under the desk, ripped the glove off, and stared at it, wide-eyed and brows furrowed. I held mine with my left hand, rubbing it as if to hold in the fire. I never, ever wanted this fire to leave my hand. I wanted to feel it-

Stop it! He is a student, Bella! Ugh!

I cleared my throat and shook my head and my hand out. I took Edward’s moment of distraction as an opportunity to pull out his homework, desperate for my heart rate to just calm down. Desperate to think. To rationalize. This is a student. My student. Regardless of the possibility of him being 18, he was still a boy, and my student. These feelings? Whatever this weird phenomenon was, of fiery skin contact and amber eyes and that warm, baked apple cinnamon sme- yeah. These feelings could not happen. I could not think these thoughts. I sat in my chair and pushed it back a foot, slowly.

He leaned forward when I pulled back. Like a magnet. He was looking at me again, head cocked to one side, expectant. His brows furrowed so deeply with disappointment when he didn’t seem pleased with whatever he found in me. It bothered me more than it should’ve. It bothered me a lot, actually. I felt irrationally angry.

I smoothed my forehead out of its scrunched position, and wiped any expression from my face. I couldn’t let the unexplained dissatisfaction on his face get to me. I couldn’t question it like it mattered. Whatever weird and unmet expectation he had of me, it wasn’t my concern. His stupid grades were my concern.

I cleared my throat in that, excuse me, tone, and his face smoothed into this reserved expression. His default expression, the kind one reserved for strangers. We were not strangers, not anymore at least.
Those whispers between us told us we weren’t, but I didn’t want to believe in magic. Or fate. Or, soulmates. His handsomeness and delicious smell just threw me for a loop, that was all… Right? It’d been a long time since I looked at anyone in that way. He was my student, Edward, and I am his bio teacher, Ms. Swan, and that was that. Case closed before I could catch one.

“Well Edward, since you’re early.. Here’s your homework. By observation, you are incredibly intelligent.” I rose and handed his work to him over the desk, careful to hold it by the edge so as not to make contact again. He took the paper like he could care less. Eyes still on mine.

“Thank you, Ms. Swan. And pardon my boldness, but you’re incredibly beautiful.” Edward sounded breathless as he spoke, whatever ounce of confidence he once had was replaced by total awe, or wonder? He coughed into his arm, throat sounding dry. A deep rush of blood flowed up my neck and blossomed across my cheeks, too fascinated by him, too aware of the inches between us. Far, far too aware of the tightening of those beautiful hands…

He stood up abruptly and came to stand at the side of my desk. Head tilting and expression studying, he burned a hole right through me with those now midnight black eyes. Ignoring my brain, my body would’ve reciprocated and closed the gap between us, had it not been for that high pitched lilting voice coming around the corner.

“Edward!” A small, pixie haired girl cried out in exasperation as she whipped around the corner and into the classroom. She also startled me with her intense beauty. Edward took a wide step back so fast I would’ve missed it if I blinked. My heartbeat kicked off at the anxiety of almost having been caught…

Caught being that close to a student, despite the flow of desire and the whispers between our atoms… Wrong. So, so wrong.

I folded my hands on the desk and straightened my posture as he walked back and leaned against his desk, arms crossed and clearly pissed as the girl fluttered gracefully into the room. Oh god, was this the girlfriend? She must be. She was almost just as stunning as Edward. Yet, it looked like she was somehow supposed to be his sister.. same intense beauty, same pale skin, but her features didn’t match his past that. Odd. The fragrance in the air adjusted, taking on sweet undertones, cherry, sweet cream, bluebells… Another similarity, they both wore ridiculously delicious perfume.

His eyes narrowed and bore into her as he spoke. “You’re sure early Alice.” His voice had remained nonchalant, all acidity residing in his physical expression. My body relaxed in relief, not the girlfriend, definitely the sister.

Alice just winked at Edward and snickered, “I told you today was going to be a good day!” She squealed in delight. She turned her attention back to me.

I tried not to marvel in her beauty. She had the same glowy skin and natural red lips. Also stunningly beautiful, yet her features didn’t resemble Edward’s beyond that. She held an aura of confidence and strength despite her short and petite stature.

“Oh! You must be Alice Cullen! Good morning. I’ll be filling in for Mr. Brown the rest of the semester. Why don’t you have a seat, I’d actually like to speak with you both.” I tried to ignore her weirdly giddy expression as she stared at me, then at Edward, then back at me. Then back at Edward. She looked like the damn Cheshire cat. It unnerved me, both of these Cullen siblings did. But Edward set my nerves on fire in a way Alice didn’t.

She took the seat to the right of Edward, still smiling that wide full-toothed smile. I couldn’t help but notice how cat like her canine teeth were. Edward rolled his eyes at her, and brought his stare back to me, those black predator eyes still glowing with such desire and confusion and borderline frustration. I ignored the desire to contemplate him as I handed Alice her graded paper.

“Both of you are very good students, judging by your grades here, you have bright futures ahead of you. I’d like to make sure we get you there.”

“Oh, I think we all have bright futures ahead of us!” Alice chimed and clapped her hands. Jesus, did this girl do a line of coke before coming in here? Her energy was beyond exuberant for a high school student at 7 o’clock in the morning. Edward just glared at her.

“Um, yes, I sure hope so.” I stammered. “I hope to see more of this good work from you both. Keep it up and you’ll be on your way to an ivy league, easy. I’ve been a teacher for some time and, this kind of work is hard to come by. Do you have a stable home life that could help you land a good college?” I hinted.

“Yes yes! Absolutely! You’ll love our family.” Alice said, Edward kicked her in the shin and she shoved him in return. These Cullen kids were getting weirder and weirder by the minute… I felt immense relief when the bell rang for class to start and kids started filing in. I could finally have a multitude of distractions to take my mind off my attraction to Edward and my concerns about Alice.

As the rest of the class settled in and greetings were made, some inappropriate with the way some of the male students eyed me and nudged their friends, the perks of being a young female teacher, the more distractions from the Cullens the more it was easier to get into my groove. It was a good first class for my first day as a permanent-for-the-semester teacher. It was disgustingly good knowing Edward was eyeing me the entire time I taught.

When the bell rang to signal the next period, everybody but Edward left for their next class. He slowly put his coat back on and lingered by his desk, staring again.

“Yes, Edward? Any questions?” His name felt delicious leaving my lips. He stared as I bit my lower lip to keep from smiling.

“Yes but, surely they’ll be answered, in time. I really, like my name in your mouth Ms. Swan.” And with a crooked smile, Edward whirled out of the classroom, taking all the oxygen with him.

Chapter Text

The next several class periods went very well. Aside from the ogling, and constant questions about where Mr. Brown was, it felt very good to get to know students I would actually be able to teach until the end of their senior year and prepare for college. I could be there for that one student who’s life may fall apart within the next coming months, and hopefully be a shoulder to lean on. Like I wished a teacher was for me when my life fell apart.

It was a challenge however, to keep my head in the teaching game whilst also pretending like I couldn’t pinpoint where this Edward Cullen was in the school. The remnants of him still sang in my veins, so I was immensely relieved when the day was over and I could go home to process everything on that second bottle of wine from the night before.

I finished up grading papers from today’s and for tomorrow’s classes. Half past four o’clock, only a handful of cars remained in the lot. Mine, Angela’s, a couple I assumed were staff or kids in detention, and a startlingly beautiful black dreamy Aston Martin Vanquish, with a startlingly beautiful owner to match. Edward Cullen leaned gracefully against the side of it, cigarette in hand, facing my direction. Of course it was Cullen’s. I could feel him before I could see the car. He gave a small wave as I strode over to my truck, which I returned.

When I clambered inside the cab and removed my reading glasses, I had an upsetting thought. This is what we would look like - him and his Vanquish, shiny and new and beautiful, me and my rusty old Chevy… He was intelligent and on the path to doing amazing things in life. Me, old and tired and beat up, golden days behind me. Even if it was right, we could never coexist in each other’s personal worlds. He was much too valuable and young. Me, much too damaged. I sighed.

This was further confirmed when I went to start up the truck and nothing happened. The engine didn’t even attempt to turn over. Lights failed to turn on. My battery was dead. I tried several more times just to be sure, and after no success, hit the steering wheel in frustration. “Ugh! Damn truck is just as fucked up as I am!”

I rolled my eyes and scrambled back out of the cab, cheeks red, and slammed the door. I started to saunter bitterly over to the office, hoping I could hitch a ride from Angela.

“Ms. Swan, wait!” Edward called from behind me. I stopped short and collected my stupidly eager face before turning around.

“Car trouble?” He asked, not smug but rather concerned. He kept smoking but was careful not to blow it toward me, I should chide him for it but it was after school hours and above my pay grade.

“Yeah, damn thing is old enough to be your grandfather.” Edward baulked a loud laugh, though I didn’t meant it to be some hilarious joke.

“I’m going to ask the receptionist for a ride. Nice Vanquish, by the way. See you tomorrow, Edward.” I gave him a half smile and forced myself to keep walking toward the office though my legs did not want to cooperate, they begged me to stay in Edward’s orbit. So weird. So frustrating. So….

“Fascinating. You know cars? Not many women do, though I don’t mean any offense.” He said with a beaming smile, taking a drag off the cigarette. Wasn’t I supposed to chide him for smoking, rather than eyeing the sexy way the smoke left his mouth?

“Well this woman does. That’s one of my dream cars.” I said with an equally sunny smile.

“One of? Would you like to tell me the rest while I drive you home?” He gestured to his car and stomped out the cigarette and was genteel enough to pick it up. My heart accelerated at the opportunity of being alone with him, until the disgust in myself once again settled in.

“Excuse me? Thank you that’s very nice but, that would be quite inappropriate. Me being your teacher and all.” It took effort to do so, but I forced my muscles to cooperate and turned on my heel.

“I’d really like to. Please, Bella. Mrs. Weber oversees detention on Tuesdays, and won’t be off for some time.” I could hear the desperation in his voice. Fierce desperation that called my entire attention. I ached to please him.

“How do you know my first name?” I asked with skepticism. But I couldn’t hide the way my eyes lit up when he said it. It sounded so good in his voice.

He just smiled and walked to the other side of the car and opened the passenger door. I felt so magnetized toward him I followed his lead and got in without a second thought. Only until Edward got in and started to pull out of the lot, did I register what I was doing. Did any faculty just see me get in here?

“Hey wait, sorry but no. I can’t. I-“ I started to protest and reach for the door handle, but when he looked at me with that half smile again, I couldn’t finish. And I didn’t want to. God, It was even worse, being alone in a closed car with him. His smell was concentrated here. It made my head spin with euphoria, and eased the sickness entirely. Now just a mere foot away from me, it felt impossible to walk away. Intense electricity buzzed between us in the small space. We both felt it.

“You…?” He teased. Damn bastard. He knew I didn’t actually want to leave. Since I’m already in here, and the windows are tinted…

“Me nothing. How do you know my first name, Edward?” I demanded, making a poor attempt at sounding authoritative, it was hard to keep my voice from trembling.

“People talk. You’re quite famous among the students around here already. I’ve heard you’re quite the teacher.” He said with genuine respect and admiration.

I blushed and smiled at him. “I’ll accept your ride, but this really isn’t appropriate, and cannot happen again.” I turned to face out the window, accepting my fate of Edward driving me home. It was just a ride, and I doubt anybody saw me get in his vehicle. Questions about why my car was still in the lot would surely arise. A phone call, or two from Angela are to be expected, but I had no choice but to leave it behind. I’d have to go into my emergency fund and get money for a cab tomorrow, and see if Billy Black on the reservation could do his late best friend’s daughter a solid and tow the beast. Forget the cost and inconvenience right now, I needed this. I needed Edward.

”Address?” He asked. I gave it to him, he was already heading in the right direction. I gave basic instructions on how to get there.

All I could smell was his delicious scent. All I could hear was the quickening beats of my own heart. All I could feel was that intense spark electrifying my brain down to my hips, making my thighs tighten together. I tried not to look at him. He was so insanely gorgeous I was worried he could make me orgasm just through his looks alone. And I’d be walking into handcuffs before the sun arose tomorrow morning.

“I think this drive will do us both some good. Because I know you feel it too.” He looked at my clenching thighs with such intensity I was worried he’d crash the car, but it remained a steady pace and between the road lines somehow.

I didn’t even know how to respond to him calling me out like this. On one hand, I couldn’t admit I felt horny toward a student, hello, that’s a felony straight to jail! But on the other… The energy between us would’ve taken the strength of gods to deny.

And the it hit me.

”I know you feel it, too.”

Too.

The feeling between us was mutual, which I suspected, but it felt incredible to have it confirmed. The disgust paled in comparison to my elation. The confession, and Edward made me feel so good in a way I haven’t in a long time, if ever at all in my life. So it pained me significantly to say…

“You’re my student, Edward.” I said flatly, keeping my emotion at bay.

“That wasn’t a no…” He replied fervently, clearly eager for me to drop the teacher act and tell him how I really felt. It was like he already knew, like he could smell it on me.

“This is inappropriate. I’m a twenty five year old woman and you’re just a teenage boy. I can’t feel that way for you and you know that.” The words came out much sharper than I meant them to. I knew he wasn’t just, anything. I was only mad it couldn’t be different between us.

“I think you’ll find that’s simply.. Not true.” Only then did he remove his stare from my thighs and look back at the road, smirking. The more he stared the more wet I was for him and he knew it. I pressed my thighs together. I was borderline worried for when I’d have to get out of the seat when he inevitably dropped me off. Embarrassing. Abhorrent. Wrong. Yet so invigorating…

“And that means what, exactly?” I cocked my head at him.

“Well for starters, I am not underage if that helps. Besides, I’m not the only person who took a liking to you today, can you blame me? Every high school boy, every male faculty was thinking it.” He said teasingly, at least he was getting a kick out of this. I was just irritated under the intrigue that I could not entertain.

I scoffed. “I don’t care what they were thinking. You are still in high school. Still my student,.” Unfortunately, but I didn’t dare say that part out loud. “Still legal.” He winked, and then his boyish expression of tease was replaced by one somber, and age. “You know I do actually need this job, right? Some of us are old and financially independent with nobody to rely on but ourselves. A permanent teaching job actually pays pretty well.” I meant to say it lightly, like yeah, I meant it. But I didn’t say it to hurt his feelings. Yet the expression remained. The kind you see on an old man’s face. The kind my father wore when we got the test results back… The kind that took years of grief to take shape. The kind it took staring death in the face to understand. It unnerved yet intrigued me. It was like watching a mask come off. After his boyish teasing, I felt like I had just finally met the real Edward. Not that he couldn’t be both silly and playful, brooding and somber all at once, but you never truly know someone until you see their pain. It only made me feel more good that he was comfortable now to express it, and because it made him seem much older than he was. What a hopeless fantasy.

“Do you believe in soulmates, Ms. Swan?” Edward asked quietly.

The question caught me so off guard I laughed. When I looked over at him, he wasn’t smiling.

“Oh, you’re serious.” I said.

“I am, and I do, believe in soulmates.” He looked back at me with glittering cider eyes. Which made me say…

“Yes. Perhaps I do too.” His smile came back full force with my response. And while I’d never contemplated much over the concept, how could I not say yes? Back in the classroom, I had a full body reaction to his mere presence. My body did things I wasn’t consciously trying to do, in response to his silent calling to me. Did I think Edward was my soulmate? Could I be so lucky? Could I be any more disgusting to want something to exist between us, let alone bind us by fate?

I looked out the window and thought. I had never been so acutely aware of someone before, so gravitated toward them all rational thought left out the window. Like a willing puppet on strings and him my master. Like a synced orchestra. These weren’t things I read about in most books, or heard old peers talk about when they fell in love. Not that I was in love, or anything…

A student Bella, fucks sake, he's a student.

Edward’s eyes flickered back to me, I melted when I saw how soft and romantic his expression was.

“Indulge me in telling me about your favorite cars. I’m dying to know.” He smiled at me.

“Well aside from your beauty here, the 1990 Vantage has my heart. ‘67 Chevy Impala, and the 1970 Cadillac Coupe DeVille, all clearly none like the car I currently drive. Perhaps one day though, I can get my hands on one of them. It’s quite the expensive aspiration, especially on a sub’s income, but hey a girl can dream. How’d you convince your parents to let you drive a freaking Aston Martin anyway?”

“Ah the ‘67 Impala, yes the high performance 427 engine models were something to be desired back then. I could certainly see you in one. A black one would suit you quite well. My parents let me drive one because I’m responsible. And I do what I want.” He said with a sure tone.

“Oh it’s that simple is it?” I laughed lightly.

“If only you knew.” He rolled his eyes and turned back to the road.

“Then tell me. I want to know more about you. You’ve convinced me to go on this car ride with you, away from the school, let’s talk. I don’t deny we.. get along quite well, so I want to know you while I have you.” I said, hoping I didn’t sound too desperate.

“While you have me… I like the sound of that.”

“Hey knock that off,” I said light heartedly, “we can talk, but you can’t flirt with me.”

“I simply can’t make such a covenant, Ms. Swan, but I’ll try out of respect for you.”

He cleared his throat and cracked a window, leaning into it.

“Sometimes it feels like I’m living in an infinite time loop, same monotonous day, same silent night. It always feels like night. I lose myself in it, when I’m not writing, or painting, or enjoying music. I’ve been lonely a long time, Bella. Watching those around me find their person. Seeing their love blossom through their perspectives, it’s painful to be the odd one out.”

”While I partake in their joy, and bask in their freedom of instinctual love, it isn’t mine. Or, it wasn’t, until now anyway. I feel more separated from my family as the years pass. Little did I know, I’d find my own personal sun in a high school biology classroom on a Tuesday morning. And I’m tired of repressing my nature. I want you to know me. The real me. But there are things you need to know, and I don’t know how to proceed. I’m terrified. But the sun rose for me this morning, and I have a renowned purpose, a reason to rise, something to protect, something to cherish. Perhaps something to love, if she allows.” He glanced at me shyly and quickly looked away. His knuckles tightened on the steering wheel and I swear I could hear parts of it cracking. The long speech of confessions left me winded.

He swung off the main highway, pulling on to the dirt path that led to my cabin. My heart was hammering so hard in my chest I swore he must’ve been able to hear it in the silence.

Neither of us spoke as I digested his speech.

A reason to rise.

Something to love, if she allows.

Warmth poured through me. How insane this was. How divine this was. To know he felt this way, to know how deep his feelings ran, his pain, his desires. Though it conflicted me, “lonely a long time”… how could an 18 year old be so lonely without a significant other? What did he mean by it paining him
to see his family find their person? I had so many questions but couldn’t seem to open my mouth.

I was also terrified of his secrets. What did he mean, “there are things I need to know”? What kind of young man is he, what bad has he done that would invoke some deep confession? He was just a young man. Wasn’t he?

But I understood him. I wanted to find my person. And maybe I had.

I desperately needed to figure him out, and I wanted him too, badly, much more than I was caring to admit to myself. He was not an average high school boy. He spoke with deep old aged charm, ancient agony, experience, and longing. He sounded older than Charlie on some of his last days…

But what had my head really reeling, and screaming in bliss, was that he confessed his attraction and desire for me, albeit that desire held more fire than I would’ve assumed for just a simple hour of class and a drive. I was beyond attracted to Edward. He was beautiful, he knew cars, he spoke eloquently and with intelligence. Hell, he even knew good music. I could hear the Debussy on low volume the entire drive. He made me feel weirdly safe. He made me want to experience intimacy for the first time in my entire life, especially after…

He came to a stop in front of my cabin, still not having looked at me. I could feel the excitement and anxiety radiating off of him. Driving through revelations freed us both from our shackles. Fine. I give in.

“Edward.” I said, getting him to look my way. I looked him deep in his anxious amber eyes that turned stark black and dreamy as he took in my face. I decided he was well worth me risking this job over. Yes, even after one day. The desire to learn him overpowered my desire to teach. I’d quit if I had to. I wanted this. I wanted Edward. I wanted him to be mine, I wanted his secrets and confessions whispered in my ear.

I leaned over the center console. I placed my hand upon his forearm, and whispered, “she will.”

I threw myself out of the car and walked up the creaky steps before I could do something I’d come to regret, not looking back.

Chapter Text

I pushed open the redwood door and panted on the other side of it, my head whirling with an uncomfortable blend of sexual tension and regret.

I felt Edward leave the driveway, and fast. I couldn’t help but wonder if he too had something he wanted to do that he might regret.

What the hell is wrong with me, what the fuck even was that?! “She will”? Stupid! It was hard to grasp the conversation that moved so quickly, but feelings aside, that conversation was morally wrong, and rather worrisome. I had a second… student, I needed to worry about. He’s obviously depressed, his family members are happy, he feels like the odd one out. He needed my help, not for me to take advantage. I continued to scold myself. It seemed these two feelings about Edward Cullen would never reconcile, and would always be at war.

Vines of shame and regret grew in me. I would, however, be lying through gritted teeth if I said it wasn’t was meek and lesser to the garden of curiosity and love that was already blossoming in Edward’s name. The word soulmate eventually took over the forefront of my brain. Everything about him invited me in - his voice, his face, even his smell. His chivalry and intelligence and wit entranced me. I felt whole and happy in his orbit. He came across as benevolent, but I didn’t want to be so quick to trust someone with his amount of years, seventeen or eighteen at most. Again, I winced at the pitiful reminder of his age. Still yet…

I wanted to continue our conversation, and badly. He wouldn’t be in my class tomorrow, and despite my wants, the thought relaxed me. Because in the car, I damn near considered quitting to chase this boy. Boy. Boy! For fucks sake! I desperately needed time to think before I saw him again.

I slid down the door and put my head in my hands, letting out a long, frustrated groan. I wanted to cry and come at the same time. The anguishing shame and lust battled like ancient gods inside me. God dammit.

When he was long gone, and I stopped fighting myself, I rose up and forced myself to shower. I walked through the bright yellow kitchen with its sunny yellow walls, big open windows by the sink covered by white lace, courtesy of my grandmother. The little four seat table by the windows only had one chair pulled out, the very epitome of my lonely life.

I’ll bet Edward would look good here, seated at my table. I could almost picture it. Book in one hand… coffee in the other, glancing at me under long lashes longingly over the pages every time he turned them.

I rolled my eyes at myself for having the stupid thought and stomped my way to the bathroom.

After a long shower, I put on Etta James’ At Last! album and let myself relax. As much as I could relax. Nausea crept its way back into my stomach. My throat ached. Still sick though it was at bay when I left school, until now. I felt like calling out, but it simply wasn’t optional. Tomorrow would be something to tackle, but whatever; it was hours away. I just wanted to be present for a while and get my head straight. Think over that car ride conversation. I rolled a joint, prepped a glass of wine, a shot of Nyquil, and a bowl of some cheap ramen. I sat on the cozy reading window seat in the living room. Naturally I reached for the wine first, and after finishing, I lost myself in thought before I could touch the ramen.

Never mind the overdue bills, the wreck that was my life, and my job being on the line after fucking up my first day up as permanent teacher at a school I finally had the courage to go back to… I knew I was in for a different kind of devastation. Again I couldn’t suppress thinking about him.

Anyone who could get me vulnerable had the power to tear me apart. And Edward was… different. He didn’t behave like a teenage boy, he was indeed playful, but carried a mature grace about him. Experienced. And he was so beautiful, beyond handsome, he was angelic. His voice smoother than Michael Buble’s. His skillful flirtation. His talk of soulmates. His seemingly constant melancholic state. His cryptic words. All of it haunted me, I was caught in the ebb and flow of his life force. My feelings for him were already a vast ocean, the shame was a drying up creek. So I let go. In the privacy of my own home, with no one to bear witness, I decided to just let myself feel something for once.

When “My Dearest Darling” played from the radio, I let myself think about Edward in the way I wanted. All things wrong with it be damned for just this moments.

Aside him being completely gravitational, like my very own axis I spun on, his absolutely divine smell unlike even the sweetest flowers and citrus and woodland beauty pulled me in. Everything about him entranced me. His face, his hidden but clearly muscular body, his angelic complexion, his full laugh, his appreciation for classical music, it was all the perfect storm. Total recipe for disaster. He’d make you fall in love then rip your heart out then jar it for his sick collection. He was just having fun and I fell for it, like the vulnerable and fucked up person I was. I’d never been in love and the second I feel anything resembling it, I lose myself completely… But I was so powerless to stop it so I stopped fighting.

I thought back to the energy that enveloped us in the car. The invisible light that wrapped around us both. His mask, that underneath, held an aged face of agony. His brooding words and contemplative tone made my skin tingle. His smile when I agreed I might believe in soulmates melted me entirely. His hungry eyes on my body made my heart race and hormones rage. How he couldn’t even look at the road… How his eyes dilated when he studied my face… How he seemed to ache for a feminine and intimate love and was calling me to provide that for him. It was hard to believe it all disingenuous, or manipulative, though I don’t know what he would need to manipulate out of me.

I didn’t want it to be fake, I wanted all of it to be real. I wanted him to love me and desire me and only me.

And the sexual tension… Oh my God, the tension. I shook my head and swallowed saliva. I reminisced on how it made my body shake with such force my teeth almost chattered made me feel more alive than I had in… probably ever.

Edward’s silky voice echoed in my ears…

I know you feel it, too.

Fuck. I couldn’t take it any longer. I set my wine on the floor and laid my back down onto the seat, letting my body release the tension. My hand slid between my legs under my panties as I drowned out the world and put myself back into that car. I couldn’t help it. Those dark, hungry eyes taking in my clenched thighs, strong long pale fingers gripping the steering wheel. If I allowed, I wondered would he grip my thighs, my hair, my hips as he moved me against his lap? Would he kiss my neck then bite the skin? Would he groan my name into my ear when he came? Would he hold me together when I did?

God, I wanted him to. I needed him.

My breath was uneven and my moans came out high pitched and foreign as the waves of pleasure overtook me. I moaned louder, more so begging, over the thought about Edward holding me in his lap, panting against my skin as he pushed in deeper, the word soulmate spilling out of his lips-

I cried out Edward’s name and came around my fingers with such force I thought I’d fall off the seat. His voice sang through my ears as I allowed the orgasm to take me under.

I pulled my fingers out and put my fingers in my mouth. I wanted to taste the only orgasm he’d probably ever give me. I could try to move forward now. Emphasis on “try”.

When I sat up and grabbed my wine, I caught the silhouette of a man’s head on the other side of the window. I gasped and dropped the glass, wine and glass falling at my feet.

It was a man… it had to be, it was someone tall. Instinctively, I hopped over the glass and scrambled to the kitchen to grab the flashlight, then the front door for the shotgun that was propped up next to it.

But when I turned back, to the window gun in hands and finger on the trigger, whoever was there, was gone.

I swung open the door and ran out to the porch and… nothing. I listened intensely for any movement, but only the night song of the awakening frogs and a booming echo of an incoming storm in the chilly air.

I did a circle around the house with nothing but panties and a t-shirt on, shotgun at the ready, finger steady over the trigger. Heart thump, thump, thumping in my chest. I always wondered if this day would come…

But, again nothing. The woods were clear. I swore I saw someone at my window and he couldn’t have gone far in just one minute. Whoever it was was behind a tree, surely.

“I SEE YOU! COME OUT, RIGHT NOW!” I shouted angrily into the night and pulled the trigger at a redwood, sending the bullet flying. A warning shot. Frogs grew silent. Trees stayed drenched in darkness, revealing nothing behind their tall stumps. Only silent creatures and the babbling creek answered my threat. I cursed under my breath, and walked over to the window where the man was standing.

Two footprints were engraved in the mud underneath the window. I whisked the flashlight around madly, trying to retrace steps. What scared me most was the lack of receding, and approaching footprints.

Only the two underneath the window. Like an angel came here, watched me orgasm, and left in flight.

Chapter Text

I kept running through the dark forest, feeling tiny little cuts ripping open my feet but my body forced me to keep going. I had one goal, survival. I ran until my feet were a bloody mess. The howls were getting closer no matter how fast I sprinted.

My foot caught on a large tree root and it sent me flying forward. My body and face slammed down hard into the dirt. I tensed for an attack, yet the forest was eerily silent. I wasn’t going to wait to be killed. I pulled myself up on to my knees, and found myself relieved to see none other than Edward Cullen standing in front of me. He looked down at me, head cocked to the side, face hidden in the night.

“Edward, help!” I cried out to him and extended my hand. He didn’t accept it.

“What are you running from Bella? What are you afraid of?” He asked, nonchalant.

“I- I” What was I running from? I turned around and scanned the woods behind me, whatever was howling and chasing me didn’t make it here. I looked back up at Edward who started to crouch in front of me. He bent forward close to my me, I breathed him in. He was close enough I could feel his breath on my face.

“Oh, my dear. Don’t you know?” He caressed the side of my head

“It’s me you should be afraid of. I’m the only thing that can hurt you.” He kissed my cheek and got to his feet, leaving me on the cold ground. He turned around and walked until the darkness swallowed him whole.

“Edward! EDWARD!” I screeched at the top of my lungs. He did not come back. He was leaving me. I couldn’t let him leave me. I needed him. Where am I supposed to go?

***

I woke myself up with a loud scream and a hammering, aching heart. I turned on the lamp and got out of bed with shakey limbs. I ran my hands through my sweaty hair and over my face, and realized I’d been crying in my sleep, not sure what I was dreaming about, but I was no stranger to nightmares. I was nauseated again, so I went to the living room for that joint I didn’t smoke earlier and brought it back to bed, but not before scanning the lit up area around my cabin, then double checking my gun still rested on the other side of the bed.

I took one long drag, releasing my newfound stalker anxiety. Another, releasing my complex feelings for Edward, but it took until the end of the joint to feel relaxed enough to try and get some more sleep.

When I eventually did fall sleep, I awoke a couple hours after in a sticky, heavy sweat. Even when I got fed up enough to strip my clothes and sleep on top of the covers, I’d still wake up to profuse sweating.

At six o’clock, I was beyond frustrated. Distant, forgotten nightmares lingered under my skin. My body ached, chills ran, throat hurt, and I felt beyond sick to my stomach. The second day of my new job and… I caught a cold. And apparently had a stalker perving on me. And couldn’t even go to the police about it. And crushed on a student the first day. Such is my life.

I threw down cold medicine and extra caffeinated coffee, and then it hit me.

My truck was still at Forks High. A taxi would be at least a twelve dollar ride! A whole several days worth of groceries! I groaned, but just rolled my eyes and got ready for work. So I was sick and needed a taxi and would have to starve for it, whatever. I’ve fought significantly tougher battles.

After medicating, dressing and grabbing my work essentials, I tried to ignore the footsteps outside though they carved a deep fear in me. I’d always felt safe here, nothing bad had ever happened to me. Whoever it was would certainly return, and I’d be ready. It irked me that I couldn’t call the police… They covered up what happened last time. I couldn’t trust them. I trusted my gun. Maybe I needed a dog. Or you know, maybe it was time to get the hell out of this place, but I thought of my father, this was the last thing and place I had left of my parents. But, my father wouldn’t want me to be miserable here.

I thought of Edward Cullen, always thinking of him now it seemed… And suddenly I didn’t know if I could bring myself to do it. I didn’t see myself capable. I don’t think my feet would cooperate, should I pack my bags now and attempt to leave. And how devastated might he be, should I run away without…

Without nothing. Yesterday was nothing but one giant mistake. Edward Cullen wouldn’t influence my decisions. I was so stupid to let him get into my head.

I sat at the kitchen table and graded today’s papers, too horny and stressed out from dealing with a stalker to tackle it last night. Before I started to flip through the yellow pages to find a taxi company, I glanced around outside, and damn near jumped out of my skin.

There sat my truck, in all her rusty glory parked on the other side of the cabin. Who brought it back here? Did the car ride with Edward even happen? Angela never called me, she would’ve come looking for me when she left school if she saw my truck. And how could someone bring it here with its loud ass engine, without drawing my attention? Was I hallucinating?

I shook my head in disbelief, and made a mental note about asking Edward about this, he was behind this for sure. I gathered my things and grabbed a second helping of coffee. I looked like shit even under the concealer, and felt like it too, but I was as ready as I could be. I fought hard not to hurl on my way out the door, and lost.

When I got into the car, the scent of woods, spice and florals hit me hard. It was concentrated, like he had sprayed a shit load of cologne and stepped inside but his smell wasn’t cologne like at all. It was strictly Edward’s and his alone. It was like the whiff of petrichor in the rain, and a Lincoln rose in a California summer, natural. Citrus and berries, forests and oceans. So Edward. I took a deep inhale, and the nausea and trembling eased significantly. The smell of him calmed my entire body and nervous system. Or perhaps I was feeling better because of the rare sunny day Forks was having today. I scoffed to myself. I never believed in my own lies.

I was relieved when my truck started up normally, and wondered what was wrong with it in the first place. I’d always kept up with everything… Then I thought about how perfectly yesterday’s events went. Car didn’t start, Edward right there begging me to drive me home, my truck back here before dawn. Bastard, did he disconnect my battery to drive me home? Why, what did he want me alone for? I mean, I didn’t not feel the same, but why such a big scheme to spend a short time with me? It was a little outlandish. Or was this the work of Edward, his first act of “cherishing me” as he so aptly put it…? I blushed hard at the thought, and then cringed. I couldn’t feel what I wanted to feel without immense disgust and guilt.

Coldplay’s “The Scientist” played on the radio as I drove down the stretch of highway lined with towering douglas firs and hemlocks. I hummed along to the music with the windows cracked, letting the breeze blow through the cab but not letting Edward’s scent escape entirely. The rare partially sunny morning warmed the skin on my arm, feeling every word of the song resonate with me. I thought about my new stalker, my dad who I missed terribly, and about Edward, a lot. Music was the one outlet I had that made me feel less alone and more understood. Made it easier to dissect myself and my emotions.

When I parked at the high school, I noticed a letter on the passenger dashboard reflecting on the windshield I didn’t notice when I left the house. It had my name written in lovely, perfect cursive on the envelope.

“I long to see you outside of school again, and preferably soon. I won’t have the pleasure of seeing you there today. Your truck is perfectly safe to drive. Here’s my phone number. Please call me. Please - Edward”

So it was all him. He fucked with my car to give me a ride. I smiled, then rolled my eyes. He wasn’t making this avoiding thing easy, at all. He gave me his phone number, and begged to see me… My heart raced and my cheeks were so hot I thought my face would melt. I didn’t know if I would call but, I wanted to keep the note. I pressed my fingers along the words where they indented the paper. His beautiful hands had been here. I pressed it to my mouth.

I folded the note and put it in the center console, sighing. With clarity, I knew my maturity wouldn’t be strong enough in the end. I missed Edward, being near him. And I wanted to talk, even if it was to say goodbye. I just wanted to see his face, bask in the warmth of him. I wondered if he was ready to spill all these secrets that have been driving me insane contemplating what they possibly could be. Tell me his secrets, ask me his questions…

Once out of the car, I breathed in the humidifying mix of sunshine and rain, not expecting the nausea hit me hard again. My stomach did backflips and I managed to make it to the staff bathroom before I could throw up all over myself. Angela gave me a concerned look and asked if I was okay, I just waved her off and said I’d be fine, must be food poisoning. I couldn’t afford to be sent home.

The school day was another round of questions and really, I didn’t mind it when I didn’t focus on feeling so shitty. I took the questions in stride - anything to take my mind off of forbidden romances and my empty bank account was worth indulging. They asked about Mr. Brown of course, if I’d permanently take his position, my time here, how great my prom was and if theirs was going to be as good… I feigned the answers relating to me. Nobody knew the truth about my prom, and my time here, and they never would. Sometimes it felt great to pretend I was normal, just like them.

The students were so friendly, and that’s one thing I loved about Forks that made it hard to leave. There was a deep sense of community, kids for the most part respectful, adults minded their own but were always neighborly and never rejected a request for help. People who knew and loved Charlie, my father, loved me too, albeit at a distance.

One boy in my second class caught my attention, he looked too skinny and exhausted. His black hair untidy, sleepless nights visible around his brown eyes. Purple bruises lingered on his arm under his t shirt that were visible when he moved the right way. He was present physically, but not mentally, eyes stared at the board but were unfocused, yawns forced their way out of his mouth. His name was Alex. His grades were fine but he most definitely was not.

When second period ended, I called Alex’s name and asked if he could stay behind.

“What’s up, Ms. Swan?” Alex said in a tired voice, as if he expected bad news.

“Is everything okay at home? Your grades are well, but I see the bru-“ I started to say, but he cut me off.

“Everything’s fine. Thanks.” He spoke dismissively and left the classroom in a hurry before I could get any answers out of him.

I would have to mention it to principal, and soon. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, maybe a rough teen boy fight. I didn’t want to jump the gun. So first I would see if the bruises and lack of sleep were consistent. Telling other authorities wouldn’t help with this right now, and I wanted him to trust me. I’d check on him next class.

I was greatly relieved when the day ended and I could drop the facade. I just wanted to lay in bed and die, this sickness wasn’t faltering. I packed up my things and tried to enjoy the sliver of sunshine as I walked to my truck. I cherished any sun I could get here, even when I felt my worst. As I walked I tried not to think about Edward for the millionth time. I just needed to get home, I let myself consider calling him.

I was walking behind my truck when that thought was cut short, skidding tires on concrete drew my attention. I looked just in time to see a large blue van barreling toward my truck. Before I could save myself, I was forcefully yanked backward by my jacket and pulled to the wet ground roughly. Skidding tires on wet pavement, metal clashing, and glass breaking penetrated my ears and I instinctively put my arms around my face. Something hard cradled my head, preventing it from smashing into the ground. Pleasurable tingling sparks shot up the back of my head and I couldn’t feel the rest of my body. I was scared to take away my hands from my face, but I let them drop to see the damage. If my legs were crushed, then oh well.

I gained the courage to open my eyes, the dark blue van was just a couple feet away from me, being held back by a pale hand. It had smashed and bounced off the left end of my truck bed. Glass was scattered around my feet. My heartbeat pounded hard in between my ears.

I could smell his delicious scent before I could see his face, Edward was the one who pulled me back. I looked at his concentrating face, then back to his outstretched arm above me, now lowering, then back to his face. There was no way he could hold back a vehicle with just one hand. Absolutely no way, how hard did I hit my head? I don’t remember it hitting the concrete, but I refused to believe anyone could stop a van like that. If he wasn’t holding it back, it would’ve certainly crushed us between it and the truck bed. I would be dead right now. Edward would be dead. We’d should both be dead, never having the chance to know one another. But here we were. Here he saved me, with a superhero like strength. I stared at his beautiful face wide eyed and unblinking, in awe and amazement.

He looked down at me with a potent look of rage, concern, and reciprocated fascination. I noticed his forehead glittered in the sun and his hair looked like sunset light on a redwood tree. So beautiful. So, so beautiful. I wanted to touch him. Dizzily, I reached up for him but he stopped me, and gently tilted my head to the side scanning it before lightly touching my cheek with such affection and gentleness, I blushed. He scanned the rest of me. I went to speak but everything was a blur again, and it wasn’t a second later before I felt my weight on the ground underneath me, the arm that was cradling me gone. There was no proof Edward had been here other than the dent in the door, and his scent a blur in the wind he left behind.

Edward was gone, just as quick as he’d came.

Chapter Text

Several students starting to surround me were just a blur in my vision. My mind reeled in circles over how the hell absentee Edward Cullen pulled me out of the way. How he managed to stop a fucking van with his bare hand, and denting it rather than being killed like we both should have in the process. I would absolutely be calling him now.

I picked myself up off the ground and breathed in the last of his scent when before the oncoming drizzle swept it away. Already, I missed him. Nausea came rushing back when I couldn’t smell him anymore. Thankfully I didn’t have anything left in my stomach to throw up. Arms reached out to help but I politely refused. Voices asked if I was alright and I replied yes and I’m fine and I’m okay, no need to call an ambulance, in return. I needed to get out of here. I would not throw up here or be vulnerable in front of students, let alone in my first week, absolutely no freaking way.

Before I could wave away the students and oncoming faculty, they all turned at the same time, walking toward their respective vehicles. Similar to how background characters work on set and the director just called cut. It was so fucking eerie it gave me chills, I’d lived in Forks my entire teenage and early adult life, and had never seen so much supernatural than I have in just the last one hundred and eighty seconds. So much had happened in the last forty eight hours, and I had no one to turn to to talk about this. It reminded me how alone in the world. I missed my parents. At least I had Edward’s number.

I looked back up at the van in front of me and came back to my senses. I needed to check on the person driving the van as they were more likely to be hurt than I. I composed myself and walked over to check on the driver, who was still in the driver’s seat and clearly panicking. The only one who didn’t creepily walk away from the scene in the midst of panic. When he saw me, his eyes bulged with relief and fear at the same time. A small cut on his forehead dripped with blood.

“Ms. Swan, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry! Are you okay? Did I hit you? Oh my god!” The student was breathing so heavily I thought he might have a panic attack. It was Alex, the boy with the bruises.

“Hey, it’s alright. I’m perfectly fine, you did not hit me. My truck is all good, tough thing of steel she is. Let’s just get you out of the car.” I opened the driver’s door.

“He’s going to kill me! He’s going to finally fucking kill me if he sees what I’ve done to the car! Oh god oh god!” Alex’s fist hit the steering wheel, and then he started to sob.

“Alex, it’s okay. It’s not that bad, really. Just.. dents. A broken window. The damage is on the opposite side of the gas tank. Engine untouched. I know a mechanic who can repair the body work, step out and take a moment to breathe.” I said, genuinely confident in my friend’s skills to take care of this.

It was hard to take charge of the situation when I felt ill and anxious from dying to call Edward. At least I could do something good in the midst of all this chaos. I’d have to cash in a couple favors for this. He looked at me with scared, swollen eyes. Dark again. Little to no sleep. I’d check for bruising, if he wasn’t wearing a hoodie. His home issues were probably as bad as I thought, with the way he freaked about his father finding out. It made me nervous, thinking about him driving the van home and his father seeing. I felt my suspicions were confirmed.

He got out of the van and paced, hands running through his greasy hair. He seemed just fine, and the car really wasn’t that bad. Thankfully I hadn’t heard any police or ambulance sirens, and all the students weirdly left without another glance at the accident… I just wanted to get Alex to La Push and then call Edward and find out what the hell that was, how he just saved me from getting crushed in between four tons of car.

“What will happen if your dad found out?” I asked. He just kept pacing. Hands in his hair, then cradling his face, then in his hair again. He never responded, just cursed under his breath. “Alex?” He stopped and looked at me. His facial expression was hard to place, fear in his trembling lips and suspicion held its place in his eyes. “I get punished. That’s it.” He rolled his eyes and looked away from my sympathetic gaze.

”I have a mechanic friend who can help, but he may need a couple days. Is there a friend’s you can stay at over the weekend as a cover while the car’s being worked on? Or, you can tell me what’s going on at home?” It was Friday after all. I’d bet he’d take the former offer than the latter. I had a feeling he wouldn’t tell, yet, and I didn’t want to jump the gun. 

“Yeah… yeah I got a friend I can crash with this weekend. Are you sure? What’s the cost? I know I can’t afford it, anyway. Might as well just let him find out.” He scuffed his shoe on the pavement, looking at the ground.

“No charge. He owes me a favor, well, a few actually. Name’s Jacob Black, great childhood friend of mine. I’ll give you the address. He’s home a lot these days so, he should be there. Tell him Bella sent you to repay some of his debt.” I raised my eyebrow at him, a silent “are you okay with that?” It was hard to talk.

Alex nodded and grabbed a paper and pen for the address. I wanted to help more, but the simultaneous urge to claw my face and vomit and fucking just call Edward won the battle. “Sure yeah.. Yes Ms. Swan. Thank you, thank you so much and I am so so-“ 
“And to repay me, no more apologies. Be safe, Alex. Tell Jacob to call me. Can you back up so I can head out?” I turned on my heel and rushed back to my truck before I hurled. When I got in the truck, I couldn’t prevent the vomit rushing up my throat. I threw open the door and threw up just in time. Good god. I needed to pick up more weed, get home and take something. And call Edward. Possibly invite him over. My head throbbed in my ears. That was a dumb decision, but zero trouble came of that ride home where I agreed to his offer of cherishing me like an idiot. I wanted answers, and the second risk seemed worth the reward. I texted my dealer and took a deep breath before making the drive to Port Angeles.

I sang along to Sing for Absolution by Muse, desperately trying to push back the sick feelings. They only lifted when I thought about Edward, so I gave in. The most perplexing part of what happened earlier is where the hell he came from. He wasn’t in school, so what? He just ditches but hangs around school like he’s got nothing better to do? Then he just swoops in like Superman like he was only feet away, and saves my life by halting a two ton piece of metal with his bare hand? Edward wasn’t human, that was it. No amount of adrenaline could cause someone to do that and leave them uninjured. What he was, well, I presumed that would remain a mystery for some time.

I replayed the scene over and over while I made my way to the one alley I always met Jason. When I saw his car, I parked and got in his car to buy the usual. The transaction like usual was only a quick minute. He slowly pulled off while I stayed behind to smoke before heading home. The alley wasn’t too bright, but the sun was still hours from setting so what was the worst that could happen?

A smashing bottle and loud slurry laughs filled the alleyway, causing me to freeze like a deer in headlights, pipe frozen in hand. Due to my distraction, I realized I left my protection in the car. I cursed under my breath. I thought about scrambling to my car, but I had parked too close to the entrance and they were already too close. Four greasy men with bad intentions in their eyes. I could scream, but we weren’t close enough to any nearby civilization to be heard. Fuck.

“Well well well, what do we have here boys?” The man with the beanie and cigarette leaned up against me, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. The others encircled me, trapping me in. I wanted to elbow the one on me in the nose, but I knew it would be better to wait and slink away rather than try and fight. It didn’t work last time, and even with my gained strength, I was useless against four men.

“Get off me,” I uttered through clenched teeth, trying to squirm from under his disgusting greasy arm, but he just squeezed tighter. The surrounding men cackled in amusement.

“Looks like we got a fighter,” the man stranding in front of me said, getting closer.

“Finally, something entertaining. It’s boring when they’re cooperative,” spoke the larger man on the end. Bile churned fiercely in my stomach at his disgusting appearance and the reeking liquor that permeated the air. If I threw up on all of them, would that distract them enough to let me escape, or make them repulsed enough to not want to assault me? I didn’t think I could handle being raped for the second time in my life, I might finally lose my mind for real this time.

“Why don’t we take off a few layers?” The guy squeezing me used his other hand to undo my jacket. My heart climbed up my throat and I cried out a loud call for help, which made the guy stop and use his hand to hold my mouth shut. The man on the end stepped up to take over, and with a dual effort they ripped off my jacket, then my shirt, leaving me in my bra. For the third time in my life, I felt truly helpless. I was ready to give into the disassociation when tires squealed around the corner making the two men let me go. I was terrified to open my eyes.

One of the men shouted in agony after being thrown against the brick wall, I could hear his body hit the wall and drop to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Only then did I open my eyes to another man being picked up and thrown by a second person, this one much smaller of stature, possibly a woman. Not wanting to dwell on it or stick around to say my thanks, I took the opportunity and booked it to my truck, getting out of town as fast as possible.

I flew down every road, tires squealing and kicking up rain water all the way to the freeway. Only when I made it back into Forks did I slow my speed, put on my spare jacket, and thought over what the fuck just happened. I felt angry at humanity and thankful, disgusted and awed over it, simultaneously. I certainly felt severe gratitude for whoever just saved my life for the second time today. Part of me thought one of them could be Edward, who was my savior just mere hours ago.

At his name, I grabbed whatever bag was on my passenger floor and threw up into it. I shook with fear, adrenaline, and loneliness. What kind of luck did I possess for danger to befriend me this way, being hurt almost killed not just once in my life, but twice in one day like I was destined to die. Nonetheless after being stalked the night before? I could not make sense of my life as of late. I needed to get home and rot away in bed before I finally fell apart at the seams.

Chapter Text

The looming trees that usually comforted me were a blur as I sped up and beelined it home down the main highway. Not just trees but… also something white. With bronze hair. I slowed the truck down and kept glancing to my right. I was startled to see it was… someone… running? I just actually might be losing it from today’s trauma. Like really losing it for real this time. I pressed on the brake more until I was at residential speed, and sure as shit. Edward fucking Cullen was running next to my truck, matching my speed. Speed as high as 60 miles per hour. Speeds humans, obviously cannot reach. Double the speed a deer can run.

I slammed on the brake and eased over to the shoulder of the road. What the actual fuck?! What the fuck is going on with this boy with the amber eyes? He’s smashing vans and sprinting beyond human capabilities. Was he even a man? Non-man? Superman? I was finding out, and finding out right fucking now. I threw myself out of the car and stomped toward the woods. He was nowhere in sight. Confessing that I could be his soulmate one moment, dropping me off then delivering my truck in the middle of the night. Saving my life by stopping a van with his bare hands, gone the next. Next to my truck running at ridiculous speed, now hiding from me. I deserved some answers.

“Edward, if you can run that fast, and prevent an entire fucking van from obliterating me with your hands whilst also damn near asking me to be your soulmate all in a couple of days, you owe me some sort of explanation!” I shouted into the woods, trees reverberating my request. He wasn’t here within eyesight but I knew he was present. I was angry he was hiding. He wanted me to know him. He said that. So why wasn’t he following through? Clearly this was his opportunity, I hadn’t packed my bags and run off yet, though it felt like I should after today, it seemed like Washington was out to kill me.

I took a deep breath in when the wind picked up, Edward’s wild and sweet scent eagerly taken into my lungs. Every time I could smell Edward, I felt better, I felt… lighter. Healthy, perhaps vibrant, actually. For the first time in a very long time. My shoulders straightened themselves out. Angry blood swimming in my cheeks drained. Calm easing the tension in my muscles. Heartbeat ever still hammering with eagerness. I softened my voice and lowered my crossed arms.

“Can we just talk? You saved my life today. Please. There’s something going on, you have secrets. I just want to know. I won’t judge you.” My voice was more somber than I intended.

I couldn’t make sense of anything that had happened between Edward and I in our short exposure to one another. Whatever sort of odd… bond we had, it held such deep affection already it felt impossible and unnerving I didn’t know the slightest thing about him. Starting with what he is, even if he was taking steroids or something, he couldn’t do these things. I just wanted an explanation, a confession, anything. I couldn’t lose him. My feelings ran too deep in a matter of days and little conversation. The vulnerability had me freaked but his presence made me feel so intensely good, how much better would it feel being let into his world?

The possibilities didn’t arise fear in me. So he was inhuman, albeit I don’t know of what degree he was dangerous. But obviously, he was capable of some semblance of love and endearment. Caring enough to save my life. Wise and emotional enough, to be an artist. To be envious of his family’s experiences of love, lonely and wanting. Capable of attending high school for fucks sake.

I was the least judgmental person I knew. I’ve lost so much, I needed and wanted this creature who made me want to live again. Who seemed to need me as much me him. Underneath the sickness and freakish events I’d been experiencing lately, lie a spark of hope for a better life. I’d accept him, whatever monster he was.

I looked at my feet and made the first confession, “I know you aren’t human. But I want to know you.”

A crunch of twigs and leaves stopped my breath short. I didn’t want to turn around. I let my body hold its submissive position, arms at my side, head down. Let the animal come to me, on his own terms. I picked up on his frequency, feeling the echo of his presence vibrate down to my core. My heart thrummed harder in anticipation. He was so close. Not nearly close enough.

Cool breath ran over my neck when he spoke. “Can you feel me?” His voice was low and quiet. “Yes.” I said, meaning it. His presence forced my acknowledgement, the closer he was to me the less I felt separate from him. His long fingers slowly trotted across my left bicep settled lightly on my chest just above my left breast, over my racing heart. Ecstasy tingled the nerves under Edward’s touch. I gasped softly.

“I feel you, too. Your heartbeat, how captivating, it is so strong and hungry. It’s calling to me. It makes the prettiest of music.” I blushed so hard when my heartbeat responded to the compliment. His voice was entranced and a little dry. Effortlessly sexy.

All of the nerves where his skin touched me were like live wires, sparking and electrified. My cells sung and rejoiced. Something about the way he touched me in such an intimate place made me want to lean into him, neck bared for his mouth. He was the sweetest and most skilled in manipulation of predators, he could take my life now and I would thank him for it.

I desperately ached to touch him, too. It was like an unspoken offer. I could tell he craved the reciprocation of my touch, so without hesitation, I rested my warm hand over his cold one, and my entire world tilted on its axis.

When I say the world tilted on its axis, I mean my entire world flipped on its backside. One moment I was ill, angry, traumatized, stumbling forth through my life. Lost to all things that made a person, love, experience, and connection.

Currently, my cells were a choir of angelic voices. Surely I’d died and entered heaven, I felt like I wasn’t in my body anymore, yet I couldn’t be more connected to something than I was right now. The world’s brightness increased. My blood whistled through my veins with pleasure. I felt whole, complete than I ever had in all my days alive, truly belonging somewhere. A piece was missing was at last put into place, we were no strangers, perhaps we never were. I had come home, to a home I didn’t know was waiting for me. I finally understood what it felt like to be alive, to be seen, to be known.

Responding to Edward’s affection was like choosing a path that was the only way forward. I sparkled inside with such pleasure it felt like before, I was on a life raft amongst the ocean’s wrath. Now I was sailing calm underneath sunny skies. I felt such intense vertigo of bliss that I’d collapse if Edward didn’t keep me grounded.

I lost myself in him and I didn’t want to be found. I wanted to nestle into his heart and be cradled there, forever. It all felt so familiar yet strange. The cords snipped until I was untethered from my own being, leaving me internally dancing to Edward’s music, basking in his joy, his presence, his smell, his entire self was calling to me, whispering beautiful things. I answered the call. Our hands were clasped over my heartbeat still, but he wasn’t whispering in my ear. Whatever our souls were made of, found their voices in our affection and had quiet conversations, confessing ultraviolet feelings. I leaned back against his body. Our breaths synchronized in reverie. Reverie that forced us to acknowledge that we were going through something outside of the human realm. Edward wasn’t human, and I knew that. But I felt I belonged here, wherever here was, with him, whatever he was.

Our atoms fused, slowly, little by little. With each passing second, the more Edward belonged to me. I felt a whirlwind of emotions flowing through me to him that I felt powerless to stop. On one hand, the sudden claim I had over him made me want to spit fire and rage on anything that threatened that claim. I could feel the hot anger heating up the temperature of my blood and body. My muscles flexed in response to an unrecognized threat.

On the other, I felt like I had just taken psychedelics - the world around me was so much more, I was so much more now than I was before our touch. I allowed my emotions to run their course, I wanted this meeting to last without disruption by frivolous contemplation. There wasn’t an explanation that could define what I was currently experiencing with Edward.

Logically, such a connection transcending normal human feelings did not make sense. Spiritually, and through my own heart, being without him all my life didn’t seem to make sense whatsoever. How could I have lasted so long, feeling so lost? How did I live? What was I even living for? Why did it take this long to find each other?

I was no longer a part of myself, but bonded to Edward entirely. No longer one, certainly not reduced to half, but entirely whole alongside Edward. I instinctively knew, he belonged to me. One of us could not exist without the other. It was physically impossible now, amid our soul agreement. Being acutely aware of him before was laughable, now he had etched his markings into my fibers of my being in such a short time. I could hunt him to the ends of the earth, I’d always find him. He belonged to me in the way my limbs belonged to me, my hair, my fingernails belonged to me. He had always, belonged to me, and always will.

Underneath this awareness, my soul thrashed and hissed behind her cage for him to claim me. I would die for him now. Easy. My blood pulsed for him. I was willing prey.

Take my blood. Take my heart. Take everything I am, it’s yours. I am yours. I missed you so much.

His hair brushed like soft feathers against my neck while he pressed his forehead to it.

“Mine.” His cool breath set my skin ablaze with pleasure when he spoke. “Always. Forever.” His lips caressed the skin where my jugular was.

Then he was gone.

I was left standing still. The air was crisp and cold and left me aching, shivering from the intensity of sudden loss and grief coursing through my body. My throat thickened. Time felt undiluted. Heart felt empty. We weren’t done yet.

“Come back.” My voice was small and desperate, my hands beckoning him to return to me. Echos of him were contained in the forest walls, reaching me, leaving me breathless from the incandescent but conflictive frequency radiating off him. Didn’t he want me too? Didn’t he? He just took everything. I was made for him. I will hunt him to the ends of the earth to make him understand that. He could run, but he’ll never hide from me. How dare he walk away right as I was ready to die for him?

When I turned around, his back was to me. He stood by a tree, arm leaning against it to hold himself steady. He stood there so still. My feet pulled me toward him. His head snapped in my direction.

Alarm bells rang in his black eyes.

“Please, just a moment.” His voice was ragged and almost in pain. It made me hurt.

My steps halted at his command.

“I can’t ever, lose control with you. Especially not now, not after what you just went through. I can’t be the one who hurts you.” Edward’s voice sung with sorrow. The words left a taste of seriousness in the air. A genuine statement. Though I ached to finish whatever we started, I desperately wanted to comfort him. I wanted to understand.

“To lose control means to, what, Edward? You’ll hurt me?” I asked softly.

I could see it in the way his back hunched that my words caused him deep pain. A silent confirmation that he was dangerous to me, and could hurt or kill me if he wasn’t careful. Not that I would mind whatever he wanted to do to me, but I wasn’t about to encourage it. It would clearly destroy him.

“You wouldn’t hurt me. I don’t believe that.”

“You don’t know what I’m capable of. You don’t know what you just agreed to. What we just did-“ He shrieked and stuttered, head just barely turning around to look at me. His yell bounced off the redwoods. I yelled back.

“Then tell me! Tell me because I don’t know what just happened to me! I’ve been so fucking miserable, and for the first time I actually feel alive and I feel like we just had some inexplainable, soul connection Edward so if you could just spare me the discomfort, and tell me what you are-“

“Vampire,” the world spat out of his lips so fast I didn’t know if I heard correctly. Regardless, my heart throbbed at the response. My blood sprinted through fields of elation over the pain and nausea.

It ached and begged for him the way my heart did. It all made sense now. Why I always blushed when I thought of him despite not being the blushing type. My heart thrumming when I could sense him. Being able to sense him, through my blood. It called for him, but this new revelation had me feeling doubtful. Was it really me calling him underneath it all? Or is my blood the driving force in this newfound relationship? Did he want my blood only; was I lured here to be a vampire’s meal? Regardless of why I was in this forest with Edward, I instinctively trusted him. I accepted his disarming powers, it felt too good and right to deny them. I waited for the repulsion, the fear to come, but it never did. It was like he just gave me a weather report.

Edward finally faced me, head cocked to the side, carefully studying my response. Hesitation occupied his eyes, his body language was wary, and petrified. Nothing in his posture said he wanted to kill me, he looked insecure in the way his arms wrapped around his torso, eyebrows pinched, eyes sad. But still so angelic. Delicious even, when he bit his lip, exposing a long white fang.

“Vampire… Okay.” I repeated in accordance and acceptance, my voice soft and curious. I looked down at my feet, Edward’s eyes never leaving me. I had so many burning questions, the important one I wanted to ask being, where he got his blood supply. Did he actually drink blood? I’m certain he did. Did he kill innocent people? I don’t know. Would I care? The detailed logistics of vampirism didn’t matter to me right now, if I was about to die though, it’d be nice to know. Should it be alarming that I simply didn’t care? Before all of this, I wanted to know him, needed to know him. This bond forced answers from us both, here in the damp woods. Honesty leads to honest choices, right?

“Do you… Drink blood? Kill innocent people? I mean, you saved me earlier. Was that also you in Port Angeles, did you save me from them and from the van to save me for yourself? Am I here to-“

“No! No, of course not. No. Not ever. I would never-“ Edward’s hands gripped his hair tight, my body locked in place with weighted grief.

“I promise Bella, I could never kill you. But, I heard what those low lives were thinking about doing to you and when they decided to put their hands on you, undress you and… Well, let’s just say they didn’t deserve to breathe air any longer.” He huffed, exasperated. My eyes widened. Did he kill them? I was terrified to ask, terrified, I wouldn’t have a normal human reaction. That I’d kiss his ground his feet walked on and he’d deem me insane.

“You killed them?” I asked in a small voice.

“I feel very… protective, of you. They were going to hurt you. You, my sweet Bella. I’d never let anybody hurt you.” He answered, without really answering, but I understood. He killed them, for me. For me. Blood flooded my cheeks, and my heart did backflips at his sacrifice. I looked at him with gratitude and pure love. When I didn’t speak, he continued.

“I drink blood from animals, not human anymore, and certainly not theirs, they were disposed of using other means. But I have drank human blood in the past, yes, during my newborn years, I killed a handful of people, albeit, never innocent. Still, it’s something I’m continually haunted by. I regret each life I took every day of mine, apart from today’s. I will never stop repenting. I so badly wish I could give you a different answer.” He stood there like a statue, waiting with bated breath for my reaction.

I took a step toward him and when he didn’t move, several more until we were inches apart. It wasn’t an act, the goodness of him was radiant, I believed him with every fiber of my being.

“You never have to be that again. I won’t hold it against you. Every day moving forward from what harm you’ve done is what matters to me. You have a good heart, Edward. You’ve saved me from certain pain and death two times today.” I said earnestly, tears welling up in my eyes. Edward closed his and held my hand up to his cool cheek, leaning into it. He felt like ice underneath my hand, but somehow he warmed me.

“With you, I could believe that. I must, for it to bind to yours. Thank you, my angel, my savior.” He pulled my hands up to his mouth and kissed them. When my tears fell, he caught them and spread them over his hands. I understood the gesture. A silent thank you, he felt washed of his sins. I wanted him to be, I didn’t want him to hurt any longer.

“I believe that too. Let yourself be good. And you’ve saved me just as well, not just physically but emotionally.” His eyes flooded with emotion at my words. He took my hands again.

“Tell me.” He urged.

“I… I’ve dealt with my own suicide attempts. I’ve lived a painful life of loss. I too was walking through it, nobody to love, no family, no protection, no purpose. Until I walked into a classroom just a couple days ago. And here we are.” I giggled in emotional disbelief. He didn’t smile. He looked so sad again.

“It’s okay, I’m okay now. We’ve been saved.” I comforted him. He repeated my last sentence and stroked my cheek while staring at my lips. He looked like he could kiss me, if he could bare it. I thought back to what he said moments ago.

“You said you drink animal blood now? Pardon me being so forward but… do you have any desire for mine?” I wanted to know this. My body reacted with lust at my words, not with expected fear.

“Yes. God Bella, it calls to me. When I walked into that classroom for the first time I thought I’d finally died and entered a sort of heaven forbidden to me. But also hell where I belong. Your smell is otherworldly. It whistles through your veins so beautifully and it’s one in the sea of many things that I love about you. It also puts you in a grave danger, it pulls me in a way no other human’s blood can, but please don’t fret. My love for you is greater than thirst. I’ve many decades of practiced control. I would die too, if something happened now, I could not bear it, I could not go on. We are bonded, now. I need to explain.” He ran his cold fingers over the blood in my cheeks, and neck. My skin blazed under his touch.

“Please, I need to know. Because I don’t understand it, why it feels this good and yet hurts so much.” I said quietly.

We both felt that, it spoke through our eye contact. His eyes were still a consuming black, but so full of emotion and, it made me blush just to think, perhaps reciprocated love, and lust.

“Well, I think it’s best I explain where I feel most comfortable. A place I’ve been eagerly awaiting to bring you. You’ll be in your glory there, it’s almost as beautiful as you. This isn’t a conversation I’d like to have right here, you will need to sit down. Hell, I’ll need to sit down. And, I need to show you what I am. You need the truth.” He laced his hands back through mine nervously as he spoke. I nodded, I’d follow him anywhere.

A silly part of me still thought this could be a set up. We weren’t terribly far from the road anyway. But I felt no fear whatsoever. If anything, I ached for him to drink from me, not embarrassed at the grotesque aspect of the thought. It felt natural, like my life force was meant to feed his. I know he felt it too, and it absolutely scared him senseless. If I were in his shoes I’d feel all the same. How does a predator caress prey? Kiss her neck when he his natural calls for him to sink his teeth into her? I didn’t value my life much at this stage, in recent years until now I had no one to truly love until I met Edward. I’d give it all, by the drop, by the gallon. Whatever he needed.

So if this was a set up or not, I was the one winning in the end. He could take my blood and I’ll die happy, or…

I left those future possibilities to contemplate over for another time. We were about to walk into our fated future.

Now was the time to get to know each other, down to the bones. Expose all our beauty and ugliness. Lay out what loving each other would look like. Making our choices and feeling satisfied in them. Get to know each other better than anyone else could know us. Touch each other in study and adoration. Just like I’ve wanted since the second I met him. I squeezed his hands in excited anticipation.

“I trust you. Take me.” I said, and meant in every single way a person could take another. Blood, body, and soul.

Chapter Text

I walked to the rhythm of my own racing heart. Foreign and fruitful energy was bountiful in my every step through the mossy woods, Edward at my side, patience in his footsteps.

I was grateful I wasn’t a klutz in front of him. I always held my own in nature, navigating the woods was no challenge for me. I got good at it in my countless lonesome hours, when I wasn’t lost in a book or drinking and running away from unpleasant memories and overdue bills. Blocking those memories was my ultimate goal. I had nothing in life to look forward to, until now. I was moving toward something beautiful instead of running from what horrors lay in my past.

Despite the eerie silence and lack of birds nearby, the woods felt even more natural with Edward, which was amusingly ironic. We moved as one together, his steps matching mine, despite his much longer legs and approximately six foot stature. I tried hard not to watch him as he walked, in fear of tripping over tree roots. I’d glance over at his feet and find myself entirely captivated by how lightly he treated over the moss and mud. He was incredibly graceful. I suddenly felt self conscious about my own slow speed and certainly lesser grace.

I wanted to capture this image here, of us. Vampire and human, predator and prey, a thought that still continued to thrill me, morbidly, like I was some sort of masochist. We were walking toward something unknown but unwaveringly lovely. I’d leave here dead or alive, I knew that fact in my bones. As sudden as the onset of my love for Edward was, so was my willingness to die for him. To give him what he needs, and him me. He saved my life. In turn one day, I might save his. Maybe I already am saving him.

I’d never given much thought to how I would die… But dying, in the place of someone I loved, seems like a good way to go. I pondered over much we’d already given one another. How much more we’d had left to give… So the further we walked toward this impending conversation, the more that fact was solidified and brought into fruition. The more I was beyond eager. I needed him. Some sort of claim on him I didn’t quite yet have was thrashing at my rib cage to be solidified. And, his vampirism made me more significantly more comfortable, despite the obvious contradiction of our nature in the eyes of our newfound love. I felt protected and fucking relieved. I wasn’t wrong for being attracted to him. He wasn't some 18 year old human boy, he had been “lonely for decades.” How many decades? He was probably old enough to be my great grandfather. But that did not repulse me, it only made me more intrigued to know his life. I was dying to ask him. I walked faster.

Like Edward could read my thoughts, he spoke.

“It’s away’s away. Carrying you would be quicker. I don’t mean any offense to your capabilities, I think I speak for the both of us when I say we’d like to get to where we’re going as soon as possible. Not that I mind walking alongside you, here. You’re so graceful. But let me carry you, please? I need you.” His voice was laced with longing and came out rushed. He never needed a breath. I nodded and smiled, awkwardly putting my hands up, unsure of where to place them. Edward studied the tremor in my hands, by the smile he met my eyes with, he could see it was a good tremor, not a fear ridden one.

We exchanged grins and he tilted his head at me, eyelashes blinking a mile a minute, also unsure of how to proceed. It was quite adorable. I put my hands down. 

“Well what’re you waiting for le chauffeur? Take me to the stars.” Me an hour ago might’ve, no, would’ve absolutely cringed full body at such gushy words. But my heart was speaking for me now, and also needed him. To speak from the heart only felt right with Edward, it had from the beginning. He drew it out of me without even trying. Nothing inside of me wanted to stay secret with him, and I loved that.

I was learning a lot of things about myself lately, one being that I love romance and the idea of love. I had an artistic mindset, all I wanted to do was capture Edward’s beauty with brush and canvas. I wanted to write about the way he made me feel. There were a lot of poetic ways I wanted to express these feelings I held for him. Another, I blossomed in the right company. Among my kind, I never found anybody to be vulnerable with. In truth, I found peace in the honesty, and craved more of it.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, ma cherie. Hop on. I’ll be gentle.” His amber eyes were so full of delight and I knew it was the right thing to say. I’m starting to gage that he’s quite a romantic as well.

I awkwardly stepped behind him, hands gently touching his shoulders, which made Edward shudder hard. Excitement and immense fear coursed through me, making my heart thrum. Anxiety twisted and pulled in my chest. I took a deep breath to center myself, mouthing my mantra until the feelings left. I looked back up at Edward’s head. I scoffed and pressed into his shoulders, pushing off my heels, but I was not confident enough to try and jump on him. He was so freaking tall.

He peeked behind his shoulder down at me with worried eyes.

“Can I help?” He asked sweetly.

“Please?”

He chuckled a gorgeous laugh and picked me up by the knees, casually effortlessly pulling me over his back, though I was doubtful he’s carried many humans. Every time he touched me it was like it was practiced and purposeful. He knew just how much pressure to use, and despite his slightly lean frame, I could feel the restrained strength in his touches. He was so gentle with me. I slid my arms under his and grasped onto his shoulders. He responded with a soft growl. That sound reverberated throughout my body and made me caress his chest with my right hand. We could stay like this all day and never get bored, touching Edward like this was the best feeling life had to offer. 

“I will never get used to that… Keep your face hidden. It’s going to be faster than those cars you like so much.” Edward chuckled and gently squeezed the back of my knees. I obeyed, adrenaline pumped through my veins. I squealed and laughed when we took off flying through the woods. Edward laughed too and shouted into the wind. 

The speed he could run was incredible. The rush was better than an amusement park thrill, I knew I would be asking him to do this over and over again, but damn if the wind didn’t hurt my face. I pressed my face into his neck harder, salivating over his scent, accidentally drooling on him. I tried hard not to lick his neck to see if he tasted as delicious as he smelled.

If I wasn’t so riled up, I’d probably marvel at his talents a little more, he must’ve been reaching speeds well over 100 mph. How long was he planning on hiking, three business days? He must’ve been planning to carry me here, anyway, miles into the woods. All alone, to himself. The anxiety remained at bay, I clung on and enjoyed the closeness until he came to a gentle stop. When he let go of my head and patted my hair, I knew we had arrived to where he’d wanted to take me. I took another deep breath of his smell before taking in my surroundings.

Nearby creeks babbled, animals brushed among ferns and chirped as they ran to their dens. A cool mossy boulder as tall as my shoulders was close by. Stunning woods as ever, but hiking so many trails, really I didn’t get the excitement. Was it the boulder or something? I turned back to Edward, who was much more beautiful to look at.

“Wow, yeah. That’s a nice rock there.” I said sarcastically. This couldn’t possibly have been it. Where we just came from wasn’t different than this, just further into the woods.

I knew I was right when Edward laughed so hard the forest damn near shook. All life fell completely silent. It really wasn’t that funny, but we were both riding such a high that I couldn’t help but join in. His laugh was booming, and absolutely full of life. It only made him more perfect to me.

When our laughing fit was over, he pinched his brows together and glared at the ground.

“I, uh, Bella, before I take you any further, as I mentioned before, I need you to know you’re accepting something that could lead you down a path of different fates. You’ve met a fork in the road now, you can still walk away.” He didn’t look up at me as he spoke.

I stared at him, mentally pondering the facts. Edward was a vampire, okay yeah. He drank blood, obviously, I think so. Of what kind, I still don’t know. And yeah sure, I was obviously willing to give up my supply, what was mine was his now, and death hadn’t scared me yet, so what was there to even consider? My only worry was that I was too weak and pathetic for him. Human and vampire, I was temporary, he was forever. I was plain, he was gorgeous, intelligent, he had keys to this world I could never afford in this lifetime. I knew everything else for certain, but this I choose to believe - Edward was made to be mine and me his. He likes me. He’d already etched himself to me, and every step here was a step closer to giving each other over. If he wanted to kill me for lunch, he would’ve done so already. This extensive effort to do so would’ve been nonsensical and dramatic. Edward was too gentle with me… unless he liked to play with his food. I stifled a giggle.

“I can’t read you, God it drives me crazy.” He huffed in frustration. I tried not to dwell on what that meant. “To the brink of my edge, truly, please tell me what you’re thinking. Would you like me to take you home? I should have accompanied you home, it was careless of me not to consider it.” Poorly hidden pre-disappointment laced Edward’s voice.

“No, Edward, I don’t. I just feel… Well, you’re an otherworldly, clearly wise creature. Insanely beautiful. What I feel for you now is so clear to me but, I’m also struggling to process this. What do you want with a mere human like me? What do I have that’s worthy of you? From where I’m standing, I’m quite inferior. So yes, whatever I’ve accepted that you keep talking about, I’m okay with it. If it means having you, I accept. But can you accept me and my humanity?” I spoke with strength but inside wanted to fall apart if he didn’t say yes. Hot tears welled up in my eyes before I could stop them. I looked away. I wanted to get this out in the clear, as hard as the abrupt thought of not being good enough for someone who now held my entire fucking heart in his hands was to swallow. I needed him to deny it. Assure me I was good enough.

“Oh…. sweet Bella. Mere? Inferior? From where I’m standing, that is the most utterly ridiculous thing I have heard since 1958. You are… everything.” He said. I smiled, and glanced up at him lovingly, relieved and intrigued. Definitely old enough to be my grandfather. Definitely likes me.

He continued. “I am undeserving of you, I’ve done beyond sinful things. I am not safe. I am not gentle. With you, I feel I can be, but my nature is incredibly dangerous. You are far superior to me, Bella, your very nature is goodness. But, despite how we feel about our existences, we have a connection now that I cannot ignore, and I know you don’t want to ignore it, either. I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.” He looked at me intensely. His finger stroked my jawline, to my bottom lip, leaving sparks in his wake.

Before I could stop it, I took it into my mouth and held his wrist in place. Cold as he was, my god he tasted so deliciously sweet. Like he was dripping in honey. The divine taste took me to higher places. I closed my eyes to savor him.

They shot open again I registered what I was doing, and met his burnt amber eyes. I stared adoringly into them with fear, as I didn’t want to draw out the monster carefully tamed under the surface. But he just stared at my lips intensely, still as stone. I let go of his hand. With the same finger he reached up to the side of his neck and carefully wiped off my saliva and tasted it. He closed his eyes and moaned lowly, but I still caught it. Oh good holy fucking shit. I stared with intense desire.

When he opened his eyes again, they were stark black, beautiful and deeper than midnight. Where one might find his eyes haunting, I felt warmth, and intense, burning lust. They could consume me. I felt so turned on before I could feel a sliver of embarrassment at any of this. And he was gone. Again.

I assumed he needed a moment. I stood very still, looking at the ground. He was somewhere, never taking his eyes off me. I could feel them as they bore into my back with such a mix of emotion. Man eyeing his woman. Predator eyeing his prey. Maybe this was too much for him. Hell, it felt too much for me, almost. This was the most alive I’d felt in, ever. My heart raced excitedly, and though the thought made me blush, my vagina pulsated so hard it gave me such an intense high. Hearing him moan and seeing him taste my saliva replayed over and over in my head. Never has anything ever turned me on like this ever in my twenty five years. Especially after… I shook off the sour memory and went to sit while I waited, but remained still when Edward’s footsteps approached softly behind me.

I apologized before he could, it was my fault.

“I’m so sorry, I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I didn’t mean to trigger any... I’m so sorry. I’m here when you’re ready.” I said.

“Both our actions are instinctual please don’t apologize. Truthfully, I feel this horrible regret even being here with you right now. You should not, be apologizing to me. Do you see how wrong that-“ I cut him off before he could spiral into a self hatred rant. He slowly moved to sit close to me, but still leaving a few inches of breathing room. I tried to stay in my place, but all of my cells were pulling to the left to get to him.

“I’m here willingly, with you, knowing what you are, what you have done, and what you could do. I hardly flinched when you told me. I accept you entirely, predatory nature and all. Let’s get that out of the way. It’s a clear aspect of our… relationship.” Damn if the word didn’t taste delicious on my tongue. I smiled, and continued to reassure him.

“I understand where you’re coming from, however. Just know, I accept this is going to be a challenge as we go further. I’m okay with that. We will figure it out together. Now don’t apologize again. That’s an order.” I looked at him and smiled.

He sighed and smiled back at me apologetically, and took a deep breath through his nose.

“Yes ma’am.” He smiled that crooked smile at me, then it fell.

“I do need to ask, are you alright Bella? Truly alright?” He looked at me seriously this time.

“I…. Yeah. I suppose. I’ve got thick skin. Really, I’m just tired of being the damsel in distress. It’s not who I am.”

“No, it isn’t who you are. I saw you were ready to put up a fight. I’m so sorry, so very sorry the world has been out to hurt you when you are greatly deserving of the wonderful things life has to offer you.”

“So you did follow me… And somehow you heard what those men were thinking?” I asked. I’d had my suspicions, it wasn’t like he’d just been in the right place at the right time, but damn.

Edward looked at the grass like it was the most interesting thing here. He didn’t look up as he answered.

“ Yes, I followed you to Port Angeles, I couldn’t bear you going alone. Alice accompanied me, I was in hysterics, after watching you almost die right in front of me…” He choked and had the face of a mourning man, but no tears came.

“Some vampires, on top of the overkill abilities, have special talents. I can hear people’s thoughts, whether I want to or not. As long as they’re within a certain distance, I hear everything that comes into their minds. So I was invading the minds of everybody within your radius, trying to keep my distance but also my eye on you in case you needed my help. So when I saw your face come into his mind, Alice and I rushed over. Instinctually I feel very, protective, of you. Instincts…. That’s why I brought you here to talk about. See, Bella. When two fated vampires meet, in simple terms, their souls meet before their bodies do. When consensual touch and intimacy occur between the two, it seals the bond. Like a legal document you’re signing by touch. But it’s a soulmate bond, you see. I don’t quite know how to explain this, but you’re capable of reciprocating this kind of bond. This… doesn’t happen. Also, neither does me being blocked from one’s mind. You’re the first and only. I don’t know what you are, but you are far from the ordinary.” He said, keeping eye contact with me, searching for answers in my eyes. I thought every word over before speaking, and when I did I only had one question.

“Is there something wrong with me?” I asked, pinching my brows together in anxiety. Edward’s eyes widened like he wasn’t expecting my response.

“My Bella, of course not. I tell you I can read minds, and you think there’s something the matter with you?” Edward let out a loud laugh.

“I’m rather amazed at your rarity. I’ve seen perspectives and minds of both your species and mine alike, and you’re very special. You have gifts of your own.” He looked at me again with that admiring yet inquisitive expression.

“And yours? How does mind reading work? It sounds super cool. Do you purposely go looking for thoughts or do you hear them as they’re being thought?”

“Cool is one word for it, if I had any control over it. It’s quite distasteful when you read everything passing through one’s mind, especially high school.”
Edward made a fake gagging motion which made me giggle.

“The only guess I have as to why I cannot read yours, is that maybe your mind doesn't work the same way the rest of theirs do. Like your thoughts are on the AM frequency and I'm only getting FM. But there is nothing wrong with you, and there never will be.” He said with confidence. I chose to believe him.

“Do you wish you could hear my thoughts? Would you truly want that if given the chance?” I asked.

He thought it over for a long moment.

“Yes, and no. Yes for selfish reasons, it’s second nature to me, and there is not one persons thoughts I’d want access to but yours. But no, because I have a speculation that you wouldn’t like that, and if it made you unhappy, then I wouldn’t want to read a single thought.” He smiled at me. He just killed several men less than two hours ago, yet was so gentle and kind when it came to my feelings. I reeled over his multifaceted personality, thinking he’d never stop amazing me.

“That’s very considerate of you. I’d like to think I’d be okay with you being inside of my head, but I’ve always loved my privacy. You know me better than I know myself already I fear.” I scoffed lightheartedly.

“I need to rely on picking up cues with you. You’re getting clearer all the time. It’s been too easy for me, I haven’t had to use this much effort since my time as a human. I’ve been inside many vampire minds as they’ve experienced early stages of mateship. One thing I have to ask, is how are you faring? Your reciprocation in the matter tells me you must not have had the kindest past couple of days. You’ve been unwell, haven’t you?” He asked with worry.

“Unwell? I suppose I’ve had a cold. But it only comes when you’re not near, when I can smell you it eases the sickness exponentially.” I admitted. This newfound knowledge started to make the past things make sense. Edward looked at me with sadness.

“I’m sorry… Don’t worry. I’ll make all of that go away.” His promise warmed me.

I took a deep breath and nodded. I wanted that sickness to go away, and if having this conversation would change anything, then I wanted it badly. I repeated his words again in my head. Soulmate bond… This doesn’t happen. But it was happening… He didn’t have to tell me that. I was already fundamentally changed, stronger, fiercer, more motivated, and lively. And if these vampiric bonds were permanent, then Edward belongs to me? Was he really mine, the way I had given myself to him so entirely? I was again, obviously not a vampire, so I can’t understand the whys or hows.

Edward abruptly stood up, and reached out for me, I grabbed his hands and he pulled me toward the clearing through the last layer of trees, holding branches out of my way. I realized I had forgotten there was a reason he wanted to bring me in this deep.

I grinned when we made it to the meadow that lay before us. Pastel wildflowers grew all around, bees gently humming over them. Little moths and butterflies enjoying the break in the rain. It was secluded by the looming redwood trees. I’d never seen a more perfect place. Not just nature wise, but as a place to further solidify this newfound bond we shared. I shook with excitement.

”Wow… Now I see why you brought me here.” I gasped at the beauty in front of me. Edward’s eyes never leaving my face, taking in my reaction. I clung to his hand as I eagerly moved to sit amongst the flowers in the meadow. When I found a good spot I sat and crossed my legs, and looked up at him. He still stood there, expression perplexed, head tilted at me. Always tilting his head at me, like he couldn’t understand me. I wasn’t here to waste time. I wanted him to understand me, my time was always moving. He didn’t seem to age. With what little time we might have, I wanted to understand… this, Edward, and everything in between. I wanted to know what my life looked like going forward, after this nothing would ever be the same.

“I am not a vampire, so what are you saying? I mean, I can feel it in my bones, I’m forever changed. My nerves haven’t stopped trembling since you touched me. I feel you, Edward. I can’t describe it… So explain to me, you’re made to kill me, right? But you choose animal blood instead. You don’t have the red eyes in fairytales, is gold from the animals? Are you relapsing now, then? Or are you lying about your diet because my blood tempts you? Do you want to kill me more than you want me, is that what we’re here for? Is getting me to believe we’re… soulmates, or something of the sort, some poor feeble attempt to get me to drop my defenses and take my life? Because hell, I never thought I’d be the one, but it’s working. Forgive me, but I have to ask.” My questions came out rushed, un-thought-through, and filled with anxiety.

I was constantly surprising myself though, at how easily I could talk about such a borderline disturbing to the average individual topic. I was sitting here with a creature that I always believed was fiction, and treat Edward no different than I would a human man. He looked like one, but albino, and with intense otherworldly beauty and strange eyes. But still. And how many more creatures were out roaming the world? How many could pass as humans if you didn’t get too close? I didn’t want to think about that now, I added it to the list of things to ask Edward later on.

Quickly, he dropped to his knees in front of me and very gently took my hands in his. Foreign anxiety filled me again. I started feeling dizzy, trying to block it out. I took a deep breath and held it as long as I could.

“I would never lie to you. My coven and I consider ourselves vegetarians, if you will. But yes, we are designed to drink human blood, animal blood never fully satisfies. Only sustains. We decided that our morals override our desire to kill people. We are a special bunch, full of talents that make killing especially difficult emotionally for many of us. But it’s only fair to tell you I have killed people, you need to know that, though I am absolutely not here to kill you, Bella. Of course not. The words ache to speak. Believe me, when I say I want nothing more than to… to…” He shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut. I got the sense he wasn’t done, and needed time to gather his thoughts. He took a minute, then opened his eyes again and took a deep breath before continuing.

“I can’t explain it. I’ve been inside a plethora of vampire’s brains and, I’ve never heard of a human-vampire mating pair. Sex? Yes. Consensual taking of blood? Yes. Mating? No. Vampires considerably older than my family and I have not bared witness to such a thing. But it’s happened here in Forks, Washington? I can’t explain it. I have not the knowledge, and I haven’t brought it up to the others. But I am not stopping it, I refuse. I need to be near you, if not to love you then to protect you. You are the center of my world now. Not that I believe I could have the strength to deny you if I tried… You too, deeply changed me. The sun rose on my life the day I met you. My life has only now just begun. There are countless ways and words in which I desire to express my love for you. However I am more scared of myself than I’ve ever been. Without answers, especially. I want to love you, drop my own defenses and let you in, be the man you deserve. Yet I don’t know how.” He shook his head and his eyes were so intensely sad, and borderline hopeless.

“I’ve never cared for anybody so much. I’ve never touched anybody past a hug. I can’t remember the last time I was even touched. I’m operating under serious self control. These bonds are not fragile things. They go beyond human affairs, they are all consuming, sometimes violent. They can be brutally and emotionally gutting. Distance is impossible. Dual hunting feeds the bond. Sex is not easy to avoid. So how do I handle you with care? How do I curb my desire to drink you and yet love you like a man? How do I actually partake in I mateship with you? I don’t trust myself anymore. I don’t know how to do this. You don’t know how much trust I hold in you, Bella. I don’t want to frighten you. I don’t want to hurt you, but I already am. You’re already unwell without me near. It devastates me, you didn’t decide this.” He shook his head and frowned.

Despite the fast spoken speech, Edward wasn’t breathless. Just stared at me, absorbing my emotions. Foreign emotions pulsed through our contact, worry and anxiety spilled into me, but it didn’t feel like my own. His eyes turned soft, and worried.

I smiled at him wide. Which made him look even more worried.

“I’m not scared, Edward. I don’t quite know what to do, or how to do it. Or my limitations, but look how we’re doing thus far. Look how you came to me and how you’re handling me?” I nodded at our clasped hands. “No broken fingers yet, and I still have my blood.”

I was teasing but he glared, turning serious again. I’d be lying if I didn’t find serious Edward insanely hot, not that I enjoyed making him so. “Not funny. Do you know how serious this is? Do you know how much damage it would cause, that I could not live with myself, if I ever hurt you?” His eyes bore into mine as he said this.

I returned his glare with a look of respectful understanding, nodding.

“I apologize, yes I understand, and, you didn’t choose this either. You probably feel like I do, in the sense that you wouldn’t ever choose to go back. I’ll try to make this as easy for you as I can.” I said earnestly. I reached out for him to comfort instinctively, but pulled my hand back. That wouldn’t make it easy for him. He didn’t seem to like that though. “Please, you can touch me Bella, there’s no need to be afraid. I’m really not that thirsty right now.” He joked to lighten the mood but his voice was still tense. I knew he meant it when he wanted me to touch him. I slowly reached out and ran my fingertips up his forearms under his jacket. He closed his eyes and let out a gentle purr. It sent jolts of pleasure through my body. Human men didn’t purr. It made him more sexy, if that was possible.

“My God in heaven, I cannot describe how good your touch feels. Your skin is unbelievably warm. You’re like my own personal sun.” He reopened his eyes and they were completely black again. I smiled at him, and stilled my touch where it was. From what I was learning, black eyes likely meant thirst. Or lust. I didn’t know what his vampiric expressions or reactions meant yet. Either way, I didn’t want to trigger his prey drive.

“I’m overjoyed you’re here with me right now. It has been awfully difficult being away from you, I cannot sit still. I have not been able to stay away from you. Emotionally, physically… I need to be near you. But I can sense and smell you from much further away from you me. So I was being… Cruelly selfish. Not letting you have access to me, as well. I just.. didn’t really believe that you were really capable of reciprocating until today. Also, you being in that cabin, alone, terrifies me. Someone has to protect you.” He finished his sentence with polished confidence, like a bodyguard wasn’t up for debate, and I didn’t push it. I blushed, I liked that he had been there…. The footsteps!

“So… The other night. I saw someone in my window.” I asked. I knew I had found my culprit when he turned away from my gaze, relief finding me again, knowing it wasn’t some stalker. Edward was allowed to be my stalker, that I could allow. Was that weird? I don’t care.

Edward was quiet when he spoke. “I’m not proud of that. That was wrong, perverted, abhorrent. I know. I’ve mentally tortured myself over invading your privacy. I was keeping away, I promise, but when you called for me… I almost pushed over a redwood. I wanted to demolish your cabin to get to you. Still I promise I didn’t look much at… Just your face. I don’t know how to deny my nature to…” He trailed off and huffed with frustration.

“Like I said, this isn’t going to be easy. But I’m not creeped out, I get that maybe I should be. But it’s as you mentioned earlier, our souls met before our bodies did. It doesn’t feel wrong for you to want to watch me when I’m doing something like that, in your name. It’s okay. I’m relieved it was you, and not someone else.” I mentally begged for him to look at me, and he did. Shame lingered in his features, but his eyes were like fire.

“Don’t forgive me so easily. I promise I would have told you eventually that I was watching you. I… There’s no excuse for my behavior. I felt insecure about telling you for again fear of you running off, I can’t bear to see you walk away, no matter how much my morals are wanting you to run. And, you running around with that gun… I didn’t want a bullet to ricochet off me and hurt you. I am so very sorry I frightened you. However please know I never planned to keep secrets, all would be reveled in time. I didn’t think you could accept all of this so easily and quickly. I’ll remember not to underestimate you, but perhaps mateship is clouding your judgement. I wanted to talk about things slowly, I’m in disbelief that we’ve made it this far and you still want to be here, with me. Alone. But I can’t let you forget what I am. You must be aware of how dangerous I really am before you make any firm decisions. I need to show you.” He finished his sentence, and stood up. The sun was peaking through the clouds again into the meadow.

He stood up, taking off his jacket and letting it fall to the floor. He wore a thin white button down underneath, rolled up to the elbows. I stared intensely, looking at every curvature, taking in his beautiful pale skin.

He walked right into the sunlight facing away from me. Suddenly, he was on fire.

Flashes of rainbows and light danced everywhere his skin was exposed to the sun. It made him look completely angelic, but it made it hard to look at him. I scrambled to get up, worried he’d burst into flames. In myth vampires couldn’t be in the sun.

“Edward don’t!” I ran toward him. He turned around and stepped out of the sun, and stopped sparkling. His eyes were huge, he was breathing heavily and it exposed his two, long white fangs. For the first time, he truly looked like a vampire.

I exhaled in relief when I looked him over and observed him unharmed. I gave him a moment and stood completely still. When he calmed, he came to me.

“I’m okay Bella. It doesn’t hurt, but it saps a lot of energy and we more easily lose control. We stay out of the sun, in part because we do not hunt humans. It’s an easy trap, you see. I could see it in your eyes, it’s mesmerizing, isn’t it? It’s overkill, it makes me feel disgusted. As if we would need any of that…” Edward zipped off toward the line of the woods, and pushed over a 20 foot tall tree. The thing snapped and cracked for just 2 seconds before it fell into the woods, taking smaller trees with it, and landing with a force so loud that any birds within a nearby five mile radius took off, and the ground shook beneath my feet.

“Why do we need any of that, when our strength is greater than almost anything that exists? Why are we given such capabilities like we are favored by God when we certainly are not? It’s simply unfair, not to us, but to humans. It’s not a fair fight, at all. They have no way of killing us, but we can obliterate them at the snap of our fingers. Where is the balance and the justice in that?” He stayed in the shade, pacing as he ranted. He turned to me, still angry.

“And you… How do you stand there and still look at me with such love and admiration? How can you bear to see this? You should be afraid, you should be running away from me screaming. But you don’t. You keep accepting me. Every step so far you get closer to me. Why? Why Bella? Why aren’t you afraid of me?” He yelled. I knew he wasn’t yelling at me. He was confused, and didn’t know what to make of my reaction. His existence brought him pain, that much was clear. He didn’t know why his prey could love him.

“You don’t know my life. It’s been hell, and also lonely. For the first time something, as ironic as this is, I am doing feels right, choosing you. In all your strength and what you call monstrosity, I see a man worth loving. If you knew what I’ve been through, you’d know you peeking through my window and desiring my blood when we’re fated to belong together is something I can accept. That it’ll take more than sparkling and pushing over a tree ti get me to run off. Stop trying to push me away Edward, for the first time in my life, I actually feel wanted.” Anger came through in my words. I was self assured, and he needed to know he didn’t get to just scare me off after coming into my life. I continued.

“But, I also understand. It would only feel fair to you right, to give me a fighting chance? I respect that you want to show me what you are capable of, and I’m happy to observe, just so that you know in your heart that I choose you despite it all. I am not afraid of you. You couldn’t make me. All I want is to love you, can you love yourself enough to allow this?”

He nodded, searching my eyes and considering my words. I took a deep breath, keeping my gaze locked on him where he stood, looking for any reaction to what I’d said. He just remained still, eyebrows furrowing again, obviously upset.

“My wise, selfless, beautiful girl. I didn’t mean to upset you, I didn’t mean to make you feel like I was pushing you away. I don’t want you to go. I want to know your pain, I want to know all of you the way I want you to know all of me.” Edward said in a small voice, a gentle smile on his lips. I motioned my fingers in a come here gesture, he obliged happily. He sat next to me on the flowery meadow.

“I’d love to tell you. But first I really am curious about this bond, and how I can reciprocate it. Are you really sure that’s what’s happening here? I’m really your soulmate?”

“I am entirely sure that’s what is happening with us Bella. Do not doubt that. I really, wish I knew how it was possible, though I am beginning to not pay it any mind. It does not matter. Since I met you in that classroom, I’ve been doing research, as much as possible without alerting my family that is. There is no documentation of a vampire and human soul bond. Vampires in general look down on the human species, as we feel emotions much more strongly and our bonds are eternal, whereas humans don’t have the same drive to only love one person, usually, not all. It’s pleasing when I come across truly devoted couples, but it’s rather rare. Many have hearts that can move on and love another. Humans can so easily love many souls in their lifetime, but vampires love only one other soul. Very deeply does that love and loyalty run. I suppose it’s something to keep us from being totally miserable- having a mate makes eternity bearable from what I’ve seen in others minds…” He trailed off.

“And, without a mate? How does a vampire fare then?” I asked, implying how he has been faring all these years without one. By the sound of it, his family had found theirs. He was the only singular.

“I don’t know if I can talk about that right now… It’s not apt to talk about that here. I think it’s best first that you understand the fundamentals of mateship. As I was saying, it’s odd that we bond in this way. It gives me a different perspective… That maybe, my kind really do have souls. Meeting you, I’ve been striving to truly believe that. How can it be to bare enteral existence when you’re mortal? I just can’t understand it… That’s what I’m trying to find answers to. But, no such luck. Anyway, some vampires try to kill each other before their bonding, just to see if they’re strong enough to handle it when both parties have bullheaded personalities that may lead them to be cross with one another. It’s an intense experience, and I say if there were ever a case similar to ours, it’s well hidden. Vampire politics and whatnot. Part of why it’s aggravating I cannot read your thoughts, is the lack of understanding as to how we can bond, I want to see your brain and all its inner workings. It’s fascinating. You are fascinating. I wanted to heal you the way you are me. I adore you, I worship the ground your feet walk upon. Such a unique soul. Now mine.” He cautiously looked at me, studying the features of my face, looking for signs of disgust or repulsion. He reached out and gently tucked my hair behind my ear. Tension rolled off his body, only to be relieved when he could feel my everlasting joy.

Now his. Forever his. In this moment, there were no cares to be had, no desires to break down the core of our newfound relationship. How our natures clash, yet we’re colliding like two stars. Tangled endlessly now and forever. It was already solidified down to my core. I did not possess one of these hearts that can move on. I had to ask one more time.

“You truly, truly believe we are soulmates?” My heart backflipped and rejoiced. Tears welled up in my eyes and my cheeks flared. Edward Cullen, my soulmate. Edward Cullen, now my life. Keeper of my soul, protector of my heart, my provider of life and love.

“I do. Absolutely. I know much more than most parties of my kind, and I can honestly say with my entire being that we are destined. Fated in the heavens. All the signs are there. I would die for you, already. Kill for you, already. I love you. Is that too forward? I’m sor-“ I cut him again by clasping a hand over his mouth. I wanted this moment to last. I wanted to lay my heart down in front of him.

“Don’t you dare apologize for loving me. I already love you too.”

Chapter Text

We grew comfortable in our meadow. Edward the vampire, the word shot a thrill through me as I thought it, was lying down next to me, one arm supporting his head, and the other caressing my arm. He was smiling up at the sky. Our bliss bounced off one another’s, and we entered through the gates of Arcadia, where nothing could ever be wrong. 

Edward broke the peaceful silence with his silky voice.

“I never thought hearing that could give me some sort of self-worth. A reason for living, finally. After all this time. For you to be so beautiful and pure and warm as you are, to bond to a soul like mine. For me to even have a soul? It’s like you’re holding up a mirror to me. I see so many fractions of myself, so much good, so much horror. I don’t know how to digest it.” He closed his eyes, the intense urge to cry and shout in happiness, combined with this overwhelming pain that hit me so hard, tears welled up in my eyes and spilled over, stinging my cheeks. I giggled and choked out sobs with stifling emotion that wasn’t all entirely mine.

In this bond tying us together, lie a deep sense of relief, a weightlessness, a deep festering, wound, a clear vision, deep agony, and shared emotion. I was experiencing what Edward was feeling. Bizarre feelings of pain and bewilderment and utter confusion took over me, iced my veins, sucked me down and rolled me like a tidal wave. I shut my eyes as my muscles locked and my throat closed. My toes tingled, I felt incredibly dizzy. While I became lost to the world around me, I was astonished, by how deeply Edward could feel, how quickly. He could go through emotions like turning the page of a book. I myself, was bewildered by how little I understood of him because my body just couldn’t contain it. I stiffened and pulled my arm away from his hand. His pain would break me, I was sure of it. The depth of my pain was a backyard well, Edward’s was the Pacific ocean. My feet and fingers were relieved with the rush of blood flowing back in. I stared at him in amazement and immense sorrow.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know how but I can feel you, your agony, it’s so heavy. But I want to feel it, I want to know all of you. I- I just don’t know how. I don’t know how things can be possible between us, I feel so weak.“ My voice dripped with grief. He turned his head away from me, shutting his eyes and slender fingers pinched the bridge of his nose.

I had so many questions about his vampirism, his age, and the decades behind the agony. I didn’t know how to answer the strong calling to bind myself to him completely if I couldn’t hold the weight of his emotion. It made me feel incredibly insecure, and he was probably thinking right now why he got stuck being attracted to such a weak and fragile being. I stopped those thoughts in their tracks before they could ruin my mood. If he didn’t want to be here, he wouldn’t be here. I stared up at the fast moving clouds, getting more grey as they passed by, implying an oncoming storm, and thought about Edward’s pain. His emotion was as deep as the Pacific, and as despairing as the clouds above us.

The aching loneliness he must’ve felt… Him being in this much pain hurt so badly to think about. It made my years feel so insignificant, my losses so minuscule. I had a need to be let in on his pain, to bear it with him, and perhaps let him in on mine. I wanted to feel everything he felt. I wanted to experience everything with him, there was simply no choice but to make it work. What other options were there? Could I become like him? I shook the thoughts out of my head and covered my face in my hands, it wasn’t time to think about that right now, when we didn’t know how we would leave this forest. Me dead? Us parting ways unable to make this work? Us committed forever? Nobody could know the answer to that. Nobody could figure that out but us, here in the privacy of the woods.

I could feel Edward’s eyes boring into me.

”I don’t want you to feel this. You’re far too precious and as much as I want to bond with you too, hurting you is something I just cannot fathom. The reason I was able to bring that van to a stop is because of our brute strength, imagine what I could do to you. I apologize for these limits, God only knows I wish this was easier. I’ll dig into the ground through the pit of hell if it means getting to you. But nonetheless Bella, you deserve nothing but easy and safe, even if that means letting you go.” I looked away and blinked suddenly tears from my eyes. Letting me go? He wouldn’t. He couldn’t part from me, I wouldn’t let him. If I was feeling anything from him, I knew he couldn’t walk away anymore than I could. He wouldn’t dare. When the tears were gone, I glared at him in possessive rage.

It seems that one of us would always be convincing the other that we weren’t going anywhere, I questioned how truthful he’d been about that on his end. My insecurities resurfaced, could he give up on us so easily? After everything he’s said? I already grasped that loving Edward meant digging into into the ugliest parts of myself, and him vice versa. He’d have to try not to kill me and I’d have to try not to tempt him. It would ache for us both, but the long road of healing to come out better for one another on the other side, was an easy road to want to walk. I didn’t want easy; I wanted honest, and true. I wanted Edward, so I wasn’t letting him get away. Did he want to leave, because he couldn’t bear this? Was he unwilling to dig into the darkest parts of himself to come out better for me on the other side?.

“You’re not letting me go. Where am I supposed to go?” I asked him, rhetorically. The question hit something deep inside of me, however. Something grueling. I wasn’t sure why it affected me so strongly, when he was here with me now.

Studying the angry lines in my face, his slight smile and sad eyes spoke his apologies. We both knew the answer. My heart made a home in him and nestled there, already. The entrance was shut with impenetrable concrete. It would take the strength of God to break it. When he caressed my arm again, I understood Edward knew this as well as I did. I was his home now, too, one he’d been searching for for decades, perhaps centuries. He was all too willing to tear himself apart and reshape for me, but he worried about my pain, and my pathetic humanity. It was an annoying obstacle, but I kept that thought to myself. I doubt he’d like me shaming humanity, when it hurt him to be what he is.

Silence hung between us. We both waited for my heart to settle. I’d be lying if I said his small slight threat of leaving didn’t totally rattle me, though I tried not to internalize it permanently. We were both just overwhelmed by our confessions, struggling to get used to the sudden baring of our souls, the vulnerability of letting someone in. Both lost in how to even start loving a creature not from our own species. Me, laying my life down to a creature that could drink my blood and kill me before I even blinked to love him. We were confused, terrified, hurting, relieved, joyful, grateful, elated, and already so deeply in love. I’m a biology teacher, but I know this equation. He was also a lone soul, I was a lone soul. Now we were complete in one another. We both walked this earth now attached to something, someone, finally.

Finally.

I let this revelation consume me. When they came, I just couldn’t stop the waves of happiness, neither could Edward. A class or two, a car ride, a conversation in the woods, and all the pain and grief and loss in my past, led me to the greatest gift a being could get in life; a mate. A soulmate. Despite our short time spent together, I pictured us as mated swans. Every time Edward touched me, it felt like a swan dance from time spent apart. I didn’t feel alone anymore, like I have felt since the day of my birth. I felt free from the shackles of my former life, and I knew through Edward’s love I could blossom into the person I’ve always wanted to be. Perhaps with me, Edward could get beyond what he is, and be freed from his nature. We could truly live, that’s how I wanted to leave this forest.

It was so clear already, our souls know each other before our minds do. Our bodies felt foreign to one another. But Edward could touch my skin, hold me on his back, handle my face buried in his neck, so fast and so soon. Sharing emotion was hard, physical touch came easier. I gained the confidence to ask.

With Edward only inches from my body, and eyes never having left my face, the frequency of energy hummed peacefully between us. I took advantage of this calm moment.

“Can I touch you again? Or would it be too much?” I asked shyly.

“You really aren’t afraid of me? I still find it hard to believe. You can tell me, you know. Please tell me if you are.” He sounded incredulous, borderline concerned about my mental state.

“Should I be?”

I regarded how ignorant that sounded. He was designed to kill me, but our connection left little to no room for fear. His strength only made me feel more protected, and the danger he possessed excited me, though I couldn’t be so brave to admit that, that his vampirism seriously turned me on.

“Yes, you should be. Your very nature and instincts betray you by allowing you to bond with me, and tolerate my presence. Humans keep their distance through their instincts. It’s very difficult still, for me to accept that I do not frighten you. You scare me, you know.” He peeked over at me.

“How do I scare you?” I asked, eyebrows furrowing.

“We both hold the power to break each other, though you may fare better than I if... If I move to swiftly, if the wind blows the right way… Even if we are mated and I find it impossible to cause you harm, I am beyond terrified of hurting you, my precious Bella. I have never been so close to humans in this form, I’ve never had to touch anybody. This is foreign territory. And without you… Already, I am nothing. I did not realize I was not alive until you rose the sun on my life, so please, I want nothing more than for you to touch me. You don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve been touched.” He said, and closed his eyes to focus.

Without hesitation but slow approach, I reached over and ran a hand through his thick bronzed hair. My hand buzzed with electricity. It was so incredibly soft. My fingers foxtrotted gently on his cool skull, his beautiful brain lived just underneath here. Fire ran up my entire arm. He felt so familiar, like we had been here, touching once before. Edward opened his eyes, pupils dilating until they consumed his golden irises. His fingers bore into the earth like he wanted to rip it out. Or rip my throat out, lovingly of course, and I it was easy to admit that I would let him.

I craved to see his fangs, wishing that he would pull the hair away from my neck, caressing the skin with his cool fingers, before he bore them into me to take my blood. Goosebumps spread over my skin at the mental picture. He swallowed hard. The frequency went from calm, to wild; the intense urge to crawl on top of him and bare my neck was extremely difficult to tame. I clenched my legs together and swallowed the saliva building up in my mouth. I let go of him. If it was difficult for me, a human, I could not imagine how the self control thing was going for Edward. Did my reaction to lust make my blood too overwhelming? Was I hurting him? I couldn’t bare to do so.

His eyebrows furrowed and eyes went sad when he smelled the anxiety rolling off me.

“What’s got you worried?” His tone implied he was stressed that he was the problem. I spoke quickly to ease his concern.

“I… just don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Is it hard, being this close to me? Me touching you, my heartbeat, my… Is it all too tempting?” I asked. Though I didn’t want him to hurt I wanted him to be tempted. I wanted my blood to be the most delicious to him. He smiled in relief and looked back up at the sky, chuckling softly to himself.

“It’s only uncomfortable and tempting in the sense that I can’t have my way with you so easily.” His expression hardened and voice dimmed to one of ancient anguish.

“I want your blood as badly as I want your body. My apologies for being blunt, but I know you enough not to sugarcoat, not that it would be fair to you if I did. To put it as gently as I can, I do not have a drive to… kill you, at all. But your blood smells so decadent and is the most desirable I have ever come across, yet with the bond we share, my already growing love you for you outweighs any thirst. It is bizarre, but it is true.”
He spoke in a somber tone. A million sorries in his eyes when he said the words.

“No.” He shook his head quickly as if internally arguing, and continued to explain.

“No I don’t desire to drink you until you’re empty. Your blood plays on my lustful urges, than it does my hunger. I do desire your blood, more than I can… but mostly because of how badly I want all of you, and want you inside of my veins. That, I desire greatly. And I refuse to apologize for it. But my God, it’s damn near impossible to get a grip on my control when I can feel you begging for me to bite you. I can’t read you, yet the tenor of your thoughts scream at me. I can feel everything you feel when you touch me. And don’t you dare apologize for it either, Ms. Swan.” I blushed deeply at his response, so I did smell good to him. Suddenly I was lost in the fantasy of giving him my blood, borderline orgasming when he’d whisper in my ear telling me how delicious I tasted while my blood dripped off his bottom lip. I was too busy thinking about this to consider what “reading me” meant. It consumed me and threatened to rip me to shreds. I wanted to give him that, and as soon as possible, if it was a possibility. It appeared so nonviable; but I wouldn’t turn down the opportunity to try. I trusted him enough, not that it mattered. He could drain my blood without my asking, and I’d die with a smile on my face. I wanted to save this ask for another time, it would be insanely inappropriate to ask him right now.

“But, at least for now, it might take some time before I can learn to control myself around you. God Bella, you are so beautiful and effortlessly sexy when you blush, it only… And to know it’s me, causing it… I have you all alone to myself right now. I’m fighting every instinct here. I am trying to be a gentlemen, to court you, not to… I need a distraction. Maybe we can’t touch, but we can talk.” He turned to his side and propped his head up on his elbow, looking at me with a smirk on his face. I blushed even harder.  

“Tell me how it makes you feel when I confess all of this to you. You’re not afraid, so I want to hear from your lips, and do not hide anything.” He said, or rather commanded, because before I could stop myself, I was telling him. 

“It feels embarrassing to say aloud but, the thought of you biting me and enjoying my blood lights me on fire. You make me feel incredibly safe. I want to give you every part of me Edward, I want to give you everything. I love you.” I confessed. I eyed Edward, and like before he seemed to have a physical reaction to hearing me say I loved him, so I wanted to say it incessantly. I had never been a verbally affectionate personality, but my heart was thrashing at my chest to get to Edward and my vocal cords were powerless to stop it. Not that I would want to. It felt incredibly right to love him.

“As I love you, Bella. Please say it again, and again. I could listen to it a million times. It is my new favorite song.” He commanded intensely. 

“I love you, Edward.” He groaned at my words and his eyes dilated completely, pupils swallowing his honey like a black hole. 

Quickly, he was on his feet and fifty feet away. The wind from his departure blew my hair around my face. I groaned internally and covered my face the my hands in shame. I pushed him too much again. Sharp thunder clapped in the sky above us, dampening my mood. I looked up, watching the darker grey clouds take place of the lighter ones. I sighed. I really, really didn’t want this to end.

“I’m so sorry. From what I’ve seen in others, we experience intense, almost downright impossible to ignore urges are to force pairs into sealing their bond. It comes on with such force, I need to remove myself. It’s not chivalrous, if I’m being honest, it’s incredibly dangerous for you. I want to be cordial with you, I am nothing short of a gentlemen, so this difference in strengths scares me more than I can put into words. Please, allow me to drive you home and we’ll play, what do you 20th century humans like to call it… Twenty questions?” He approached me slowly and bent down in front of me, gently taking my hands again. His eyes had softened back to gold.

“I’m the one who should be sorry.” I looked at him apologetically. He stood me up and carefully wrapped his arms around me. I waited for a warmth that never came, but that didn’t stop me from wrapping my arms around him tighter, I was getting used to his cool temperature. He held my head to his chest and took a breath away from my head, toward the wind.

“My darling, my own personal sun. Don’t be absurd, you’re not the monster. I love you. You are my life now. No more apologies from you Ms., I rebuke them. Let me carry you back to the truck and I’ll drive you.” He said.

“Will you stay with me tonight, if it’s not too much to ask?” I asked, not caring if I was eager, and borderline begging. He made me feel safe, and I did not want this to end so soon.

“Let me get you home, I’ll stay until you sleep, and even then I won’t be far. I’ll need to… step away awhile. I do not want to test my limits with you so soon. I fear I can only handle you in doses.” He smiled softly at me, before picking me up into his arms bride style this time. My heart thrummed hard against my chest.

“The quicker we get back the more time I may have with you then?” I suggested.

“I have all the time in the world for you my dear.” He tucked my head into him, and we were flying again. A fleeting thought popped into my head and started to slowly fester before I could stop it. But I don’t have all the time in the world for you…

This ride was easier, and a hell of a lot faster, albeit much calmer. The frequency of our dual energy slightly cooled, since we were leaving, me alive, and us both with answers to our questions. Edward felt at such peace. I started to feel sleepy as we rushed our way through the darkening woodland. When we came to a stop, I knew we were back at the truck.

When he went to set me down, I clung to him, the speed not having quite left my body. It coursed through me like an ocean wave. He instead carried me to the passenger side and buckled me in the seat. I stretched out my shoulders.

“You better be careful driving her. She’s a precious old lady. Don’t push her limits.” I smirked at Edward as he got in, only half joking.

“I’m getting real good at being careful with fragile things. Don’t worry my dear, you should rest. You sound half asleep.”

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead. Can’t miss a second with you.” I said stubbornly, though I rested my head on the door. Edward didn’t respond. I glanced at him and his face was still, too deep in concentration, or frustration.

“I didn’t mean that Edward.”

“I know.” He replied too quickly, what I said clearly upset him which made me feel guilty. He flipped the dial on my stereo.

The “A Rush of Blood to the Head” album played from the beginning, with one of my favorites,
Politik, especially for this current moment. I let the music play scratchingly over my ancient stereo. Edward listened attentively, fingers tapping the steering wheel. He was really into it when the last verse started playing, a smile broke out across his lips and he started singing along angelically like he’d heard it a thousand times. The way he studied music… I could watch him for the rest of my days.

“Have you listened to this album?” I asked.

“Just as of last night. I will answer a few of your questions I believe you may have, in one. I disconnected your car battery. I am sorry, I know this behavior isn’t appropriate. I needed you alone and it seemed to be the only way. I drove my car home after bringing you home and came back to make sure you were alright, and safe.” He ran a hand through his hair and let out a small, anxious laugh.

“After I was… Watching you,” he refused to meet my stare. If he could blush, I know his cheeks would be ablaze. “And you came out yelling with your gun, I left to get your truck. You went to bed when I dropped it off, the storm was in full force so you didn't awake. I sat in your truck, and played what you had in your stereo, and thought of you. I listened through it many times, trying to find the will to leave you. I finally did when you awoke in the night. I surprised myself by being able to stay seated, you were so ill and too invitingly warm. It took great restraint to keep myself from going inside and comforting you, and myself. I have no excuses for any of this, I feel so disgusted with mys-“ I cut him off quickly. We agreed on no more apologies.

“Don’t apologize Edward. Vampires and your affections operate differently, no? If I was one, this would’ve started in that classroom and we’d pretty much be married by now. Am I right?” Edward nodded at my response, still not meeting my eyes. He continued to glare at the steering wheel.

“So don’t be hard on yourself. It’s okay, not conventional for my species, but it doesn’t unnerve me. I don’t feel bothered by it at all, really I don’t. I find it rather… endearing.” When he looked at me, his eyes were sad, yet full of love.

When “Green Eyes” came on, he cracked a smile.

“It’s really too bad this isn’t titled “Caramel Eyes” it reminds me so much of you. Perhaps I need to write my own version.” He sang along in a quiet, but very angelic voice. I blushed hard, tears welling up in my eyes.

“Anyone who tried to deny you, must be out of their minds. I came here with a load, it feels so much lighter now I met you, and honey you should know that I could never go on without you.” His long beautiful fingers slightly moved to the music. I wanted to draw his expressive hands, everything about him continued to amaze me. The tears spilled down my cheeks.

“When I was human, I had green eyes.” He blurted out. I cocked my head and smiled big.

“Wow. I can see that, with your hair. I’ll bet you were very handsome then, as you are now. If I can ask… When did you have these green eyes? How... old are you?” My voice shook as I spoke. The answer, I knew wouldn’t change anything, but still yet… My heart raced as I waited for his response.

“I was changed in the winter of 1847 when I was twenty years old, by my now father and coven leader, Carlisle. I know little of my human life, our memories begin to fade after our change. What I can tell you, is I was a soldier, dying of influenza during my battle in the Mexican-American war. Carlisle was a physician, and decided to change me when he knew I could not beat death. He had been alone many a century, and chose me as his first companion, he saw something worth saving that I still cannot fully see in myself. I didn’t take kindly to the change for a long, long time, and he held a lot of remorse over my anguish, but never any regret. He loved me like his son, and I grew to love him as a father.” Edward went silent, allowing me to digest what he said.

There it was. He was one hundred and fifty eight years old, one hundred and seventy eight years, counting his time as a human. I exhaled sharply, I didn’t know where to start processing this. For starters, disgust never came, only immense curiosity and an even deeper desire. Underneath that, it brought an echo of remembrance, something nostalgic about the 1800’s. It just felt so right that he was from that time period. I had so many questions for him, I worried about him.

“That’s absolutely fascinating. You’ll need to tell me more. 1847?! I cannot even begin to imagine the things you’ve seen! You’ve lived through some of the most ruthless times of political and human history, the best eras of music… But what I want to ask first, is are you okay?” I faced his direction entirely. This I desperately needed to know. His anguish always felt heavy, and with almost two centuries on this earth, I now understood how deep that anguish must run…

“Oh, my sweet Bella. That’s your response? Am I okay? Yes, I am okay now, more so, I am happy. I cannot believe you’re taking this as easily as you are… Though it’s hard to tell without my gift, I read thoughts. Minds. Every mind to ever come across my path, apart from yours. It frustrates me so that I cannot read you about things like this, I’m not used to it.” He wrinkled his nose in irritation. I was more taken aback by this than his age reveal.

So that explained the continuous references to not being able to read me, the cocked head and the deep inquisition in his expression when he’d look at me. If I didn’t trust him so much already, I feel like I would lose any trust I had in him at the confession. Really, I only worried for him more, that sounded unbelievably difficult to live with. If he could read me, I would think such beautiful things about him, like little flowers that would blossom in his head, I would shroud and protect him in a beautiful garden. I wanted to burst my head open to let him in, but I remembered all the thorns that also grew in my garden, and was suddenly grateful he was locked out.

We were pulling up to the cabin now, the rain was starting to pour. He parked and turned the engine off. We sat in silence for a short minute while the rain pounded on the roof.

“Are you telling me the truth then, when you tell me you’re fine? Almost two centuries on this earth, and listening to thoughts? I don’t know how to begin contemplating how hard that has been for you.” I said with a trembling voice.

Tears welled up in my eyes and spilled over, I could not empathize, I could not understand that kind of pain with my short life, but I sympathized deeply. His pain was my pain now, and my heart broke for him. He reached over and held the side of my face. Immense waves of love and affection washed me clean of pain.

“Do you feel that? I’m alright now, I could not be more joyful, for I have finally found you. The love and purpose that I have prayed upon.” He searched my eyes, and after seeming satisfied by what he found in them, his gaze moved down to my lips.

Struggling to find my voice, I mouthed the words “I love you”.

“As I love you, my darling. Let me get you inside, and warm.” He hopped out of the truck and flew over to my side, opening the door and scooping me into his arms like he had done it a million times. My body happily rested in his arms, and it still continued to surprise me how easy this seemed to be for him. He shielded my face from the rain as he walked me to the door, forever a gentleman. I blurted out more questions.

“Tell me how it works. Do all vampires read minds like you can? And I am somehow the only mind you cannot read? Am I broken? Or is that something that happens during…?” I rattled off the questions, too eager to understand. Too riled up in his arms.

“Mateship? No, any gifted one’s powers only grow exponentially during such times. They’ll grow to work on, or protect their mate. Mine is certainly growing, but no matter how strong it gets, your mind continues to have me blocked. Our kind can have unique gifts. My sister Alice, she can see into the future. My brother, Jasper, he’s an empath in the literal sense, he feels others emotions. My father has a miraculous gift for self control and healing. I have a mother too, Esme, another sister, Rosalie, and another brother Emmett. Though no supernatural abilities of their own, my mother has a pure heart. She makes our coven a family, our house a home. Rosalie, she’s, pigheaded, to put it kindly. She is stubborn, but firm in her morals, and she really is kind when you get through her tough exterior. Emmett, he’s physically strong, and brings the sense of humor wherever he goes.” He spoke with adoration about his family, but the lingering sadness in his tone wasn’t ignorable.

When we were at the door, he set me down and I unlocked it. Once inside, I gestured for him to sit at the kitchen table.

“You keep talking, I need caffeine.” I rushed to make a pot of coffee, I knew I’d need the energy to stay up, I was not going to bed without knowing more.

“Yes ma’am.” Edward obliged and pulled out the chair I didn’t use. I giggled, he seemed to like when I’d tell him what to do. After rinsing the pot, I turned back to take in this image, and felt a strange satisfaction. Was I not just thinking about him taking a seat here? He looked so right here, despite his obvious perfection and my cabin’s rustic character. He still belonged here. I nodded for him to keep talking. I just didn’t want him to stop. He watched me as I worked and slowly crackled a smile at my rushing.

“My mind reading, let’s just say my family doesn’t particularly enjoy it. The levels of irritation vary, Carlisle, Alice, and Esme not minding so much, but still minding. The others, it irks them greatly. Every passing thought they have, I hear it, no matter how fleeting. Even if I try to ignore it, I hear it clear as rain on tin. They feel they have no privacy. I can constantly hear the disdain. These abilities don’t always feel like gifts. To ease their discomfort, I built my own home, several, actually, around the world. My favorite isn’t too far from where they reside, just far enough to not hear them. If they need me, they just need to get close enough to alert. We visit often, but it has been an isolating life.” He looked at me with a smaller smile now. I returned it with a sad one, surely he could see the tears coming again.

“That is incredibly lonely and isolating. I’m so sorry Edward.” I hit start on the pot and leaned against the counter, wiping the tears as they fell. The chair squealed and he was at my side, pulling me into a cool embrace.

“Don’t fret over me Bella, for you know little of the happiness you’ve given me. I’m a different man this day forward. You make me so happy.” He pulled back and held my face in his hands, wiping the rest of my tears away with his thumbs. I smiled up at him.

“That’s what I want to see. Be happy, too. That’s all I want you to be.” He pulled in a breath and held it before bending down and leaning his forehead against mine. Fire coursed between us both at the contact. I was dying for him to kiss me. My cells were screeching at him to, but I felt like I’d run out of oxygen before he got the chance.

“Stay very still.” He whispered against my lips. I went rigid at his command. I could hear him swallow. My heart thrashed at its cage harder than it had all day. He was so close, not nearly close enough.

When he finally closed the gap, and pressed his lips against mine, it felt like he had pulled me off my feet and I was ascending. His cool lips merged with mine beautifully, like fire and ice. A different kind of fire shot through me, I needed more. So much more. I needed him to take me. I needed him entirely in every way before I felt like he truly belonged to me. I fought hard to keep my hands still, though they wanted to grab his hair and pull him closer. He pulled away before I had the chance, feeling the growing burn of intensity between us and stopped it before it burned the roof down. I was dropped back down to earth. We kept our foreheads pressed together. I reached my arms around him and held him. He kept his hands on my face. My cheeks burned under his touch and my heart beat with pleasure under my skin.

“Your lonely days are behind you now. I never want you to feel that again.” I said softly.

“As long as I have you, misery cannot touch me.” He pressed his cool lips to mine for another second, and I knew no matter how icey his skin was, the fire he’d lit in me would burn in his name forever.

Chapter Text

Mug in hand, Edward picked me up and brought me over to the couch. I giggled as he put me down and tucked me rather aggressively in a blanket. He stood there awkwardly, unsure of where to mold himself into my world, as if he didn’t have unspoken permission to be as close to me as he desired.

“Please, sit with me.” I patted the couch.

“Do you need anything else? Are you hungry? Cold? Do you need to shower?” He looked me up and down and took in the small goosebumps on my arm I didn’t realize were there. Before I could protest my displeasure at his distance, he had arms full of logs and was preparing the fireplace. Tears came again, it had been a long time since I’d been taken care of. When he completed his task, he looked for something else to do for me.

“I’m okay now, please sit with me.” I asked again, almost begging. He rushed to my side, though was careful not to touch me so I could get warm, but I didn’t need the fire, nor a blanket. I felt eons warmer with him just sitting next to me. I continued my questions eagerly.

“What about your family? What do they think of us?” I asked, burning with curiosity.

“Not all of them know about us, only Alice. Since I’ve been living alone, they don’t know about my interest in you, much less this. In time, I hope to introduce you. For now, I only want to be with you. I’m allowing myself to be selfish. Tell me, today, has it been too much for you? You were almost killed, almost assaulted, and I confessed my monstrosity. You’ve taken everything so well, in truth, I was not anticipating that.” His eyes burned into me, unmet answers in his eyes.

The consistent unblinking, studying eye contact was still hard to get used to, especially when I could feel him try to worm his way into my brain. It enticed and unnerved me all at the same time, I wanted more-so to be like him and understand him. It shouldn’t be unnerving, but it was for my kind; vampiric communication just held so much more tension than your average human interaction. I wanted to be devoured by those eyes. Seeing him now glowing in the light of the fire didn’t help me get my thoughts together enough to answer him. This lighting angled his features in a way that would forever remind me that he was the most gorgeous thing on earth.

“Uh, no… Not at all. But of course it is a lot to take in. I just can’t believe it, 1847… Some high school teenage boy huh…” I chuckled to myself, still finding relief and bottomless intrigue in this fact. It excited me in an odd way that almost felt shameful to admit.

“Tell me about it, it’s like trying on a costume ten sizes too small. Pardon me but it was amusing though, seeing you worry, thinking I was just seventeen, eighteen. With your complete candor, does it disturb you, my age? I understand it is far less than conventional… It made me hesitant to pursue you. I was worried, you’d feel too young for me. I don’t want it to cause an uncomfortable dynamic. If it helps, and perhaps it won’t… When we change, we mentally remain in the age when we were frozen in time. I wish I was able, but I cannot fully mature past the age of twenty.” He said, a tone of anxiety in his voice. A moment of silence passed between us.

“I know how unpleasant and unconventional that sounds.” He spoke somberly and didn’t look at me. I shook my head.

“As far as we know, there isn’t another pair like us out in the world Edward. Nothing is conventional when it comes to us, clearly. I actually like that. I’m more than comfortable. It also makes me worry about your mental state. How have you endured it for so long, being frozen in time like this, and so young? And, if I can ask, why the hell are you in high school?” I was still bewildered by all of it, but have easily come to acceptance. I meant what I said wholeheartedly. I wanted to hear all about the 18 and 1900’s from a man who’d lived through them. I wanted to know everything from every era he experienced, all of the pain and wisdom it gave him.

“Thank you for your acceptance. Thank God, for allowing me to love you. My heaven sent angel.” He kissed every knuckle on my hand, sending shockwaves of affection and desire through my body. He then relaxed and took his time thinking over his answer. The flames mirrored in his eyes making them glisten like the fire itself, and I couldn’t look away.

“I wrestled with purpose for a long, long time. Having a family as opposed to a small coven made it all the easier, but having the ability to read every thought as I said, affected the ease of making connection. I could read Carlisle’s thoughts, his perfect goodness, his unfailing resistance to our natural diet. That’s why it took to long to defy his ways. It’s a story for another time, but I went off on my own, I did terrible, sinful things I don’t know if I can ever be forgiven of. But nonetheless I returned home, for human blood wasn’t worth giving up my family for. When I fully adapted to an animal diet, I put my purpose in my family. Yet, the burden I have been to them slowly chipped away at my reasons for living. I could protect them, yes, understand them, but my mind reading makes them feel constant shame, embarrassment, and distrust. I cannot blame them. They do their best to look past it and love me, that’s why they protested when I moved into my own space, insisted they were fine with it, but the lies only hurt more. They already put up with the mind reading, now they felt they needed to lie to comfort me, give up their privacy for me? I wouldn’t allow it. I couldn’t bear the inevitable resentment over the next several decades. When Alice and Jasper joined our family in 1950, she quickly became my best friend. She’s made quite the difference for me, we communicate well.” He looked at me with a small smile, and studied my face. I was gripped with every word, so I returned the smile and gestured for him to continue.

“Around 1980, she started having strange visions, visions of me, and now what I understand to be you. You were incredibly blurry back then, I could hardly make you out. In these premonitions I could feel I was happier. I’ve obsessed over each picture, you see, we don’t normally change. If a change was coming that would lead me to genuine happiness, I could not ignore it. It was comparable to reading the same short book over, and over, and over again. I wanted to find you, but I’ve been with Alice long enough not to be hasty when it comes to her premonitions; they’ll let you know when it’s time. Earlier this year, she couldn’t stop envisioning the high school, and my being there, and you much more clearly. The anticipation was infuriating, but bearable, I was ready for what you might bring to my life. So she spoke with Carlisle, and we enrolled. A couple short months later, I walked in and finally found you. That’s… all I know. I’m sorry it’s not much.” He turned to look at me again, always absorbing my reactions.

“Call it fate. I don’t need to know any more.” I ran my thumb along his hand and stared at the crackling fire, not wanting to contemplate this just yet. There was plenty of time to contemplate when i was alone. I wanted nothing more than to enjoy this moment with him.

“Isabella Swan. The love of my existence. How lucky I am that all my paths have led to you.” He said after several moments. My cheeks flamed with pleasurable heat. He let go of my hand and reached up to my blushing cheek to caress it. His eyes darkened.

“Tell me about you.” He said.

“What about me? I’m hardly as fascinating.” I rolled my eyes.

“I beg to differ. Tell me anything. Everything. Starting from the day you were born and every moment since.” I chuckled and looked at him longingly, and with slight fear. It’s been a long time since I’ve opened up to anybody. But if anybody deserved to know my life story… It was Edward.

“Forks, September 13th, 1980, I was born.” I spoke slow, hesitant to continue.

“Ah. I remember that day, the first vision.” He said.

“Then you remember it better than I. I was born at home, they thought the hospital might be too risky. My mother Renee, needed control, she was paranoid after…” I stumbled over my words. That was a can I didn’t feel ready to open up. It was the beginning and end of everything for my family.

“I uh, I had a brother I never met. His name was Robert. Just before I was born he… He was just four years old. He snuck out of the house when my parents weren’t looking and… He drowned in the nearby creek. A storm had just hit the week prior, and he must’ve fallen in…” I choked up and couldn’t continue, couldn’t turn to look at the sympathetic look on Edward’s face. I never spoke to anyone about Robert. My parents locked him up into drawers and boxes and refused to talk about him. Edward gently grabbed my hand again and held it with both of his, and remained silent until I found my voice again.

“So not too long after, they thought they could have another baby that would perhaps fix their grief. And boy, they were wrong. It only hurt them deeper. My mother spiraled, she took me from Charlie when I was a year old and moved us to Arizona when she didn’t feel like she could bear to be with him anymore, she wanted to go somewhere sunny and different, the opposite of where she was at. Charlie grieved differently and was struggling with alcohol to cope with the pain, but she didn’t give him enough time. Only, she quickly learned that she could not cope with being a single mother. We moved around, never a permanent address or phone number for Charlie to keep up with, and he didn’t fight harder for me. He just wanted the bottle.” Tears welled up in my eyes and my throat knotted tighter. I closed my eyes and let go of his hand to hug my knees to my chest, something I always did to contain the agony.

“She found men, all temporary. One of them got her into drugs. And in between waves of homelessness and living in crackhouses with men that wanted to harm me, her addiction just got worse and worse, but she still functioned, somehow. When I was sixteen, she was hospitalized for drug related illnesses. I picked her up when they released her and she told me to drive to the nearest dealer. We fought in the Sear’s parking lot, and I told her she was a terrible mother and it was her carelessness that caused Robert to die. Then I threatened to leave her. So she told me to go. She stopped fighting. I left her there alone on the street corner.”

“I went back home and waited, and waited, and waited. I didn’t sleep a wink. I beat myself up all night and turned to alcohol myself, that’s the only coping mechanism I knew. Around 5 am, I was stumbling around my kitchen just losing my mind, and when the cops pulled up in the driveway, I knew. I just knew. And it was my fault.” I took a heavy, trembling breath.

“They found me there on the floor next to a kitchen knife with my wrists slit, and I just didn’t care. I didn’t care anymore.” Edward sucked in a breath. “I knew Renee was gone. I was bleeding out, but they stitched me up in time. Then they told me Renee was dead, and though I already knew that, to have it clarified only kept me in the hospital longer.”

“Two weeks later, I moved with Charlie. Then he got sick and…” I couldn’t hold it anymore. Before I could stop it, my face scrunched up and the dam finally burst. Edward cradled my face into his chest, and I could hear tearless sobs coming from him. He kept me from completely falling apart even though it hurt him.

“I’ll tell you the rest another time. I wish there were good events to tell you about but, that’s my life story. You’ve been the only good thing in my life, even if it’s only been such a short time.” I mumbled after many grueling minutes.

He gently rubbed my back and kissed my hair in response while I cried for a short minute longer.

“I’m so sorry Bella. My sweet girl. I am so, so sorry.” I swallowed the pain and pushed out the rest of the tears. I turned to look at him.

“Don’t be. I think I’ll be alright now. I’ll tell you the rest another time, I promise.” I finished my coffee and went to get up but he stopped me.

“Bella?” I turned around. “I will never make you feel unwanted. I promise you.” His eyes swam with earnestly that left little room for doubt. While I wanted to believe him, deep down I couldn’t, because I knew better. Total trust meant total surrender of my heart, and how could I surrender when he’d already mentioned leaving me to keep me safe? I smiled at him in thanks, hoping he couldn’t see my distrust.

“If all this pain has led my heart to you, then I’ll never look back. To quote Brontë, ‘what necessity is there to dwell on the Past, when the Present is so much surer—the Future so much brighter?’”

Love pooled in his eyes as he looked at me. I looked down at his lips, I wanted to kiss him so bad, but I didn’t want to push him.

As if he could finally read my thoughts, Edward pulled me down to him and kissed me just as gently as before. Electricity sparked all of my nerve endings and I moaned against his mouth. I repressed the urge to deepen our kiss, for his sake. Certainly not for mine. He pulled away much too quickly, eyes dark as pitch.

“I could kiss you for eternity. If I want to keep my promise, I may need to step away for a couple of hours to hunt. I don’t want to push my limits and jeopardize your safety, though I continue to amaze myself at how easy it is to be around you, how easily I can kiss you. Let me get you to bed so I have one more reason to keep me in line.” He said, humor in his tone.

That was good enough for me. I sat up straight and reached out my hand for him, he happily took it. I led him to my bedroom, trying to ignore my heart’s response at bringing him to such an intimate place, not wanting to fantasize on what we could do. Or could we, I? With his strength and predatory urges, was sex possible between us? I tried not to think about it, but I could feel that he was having similar emotions, no doubt remembering last night as he watched me through the window.

When we entered, he closed his eyes and breathed in.

“Incredible. I’ll never get used to the way you smell. It’s just absolutely divine.” While he was entranced, I grabbed my pajamas.

“Should I…? I’m going to change in the bathroom. No pushing limits and all that.” Before he could respond, I turned around and walked into the bathroom that was in the bedroom. I was so eager to get back that I put the shorts on backwards and had to correct them. The tank top was more revealing than I intended, but I didn’t care enough to ask for a different shirt.

When I returned, he was seated in the rocking chair my dad used to rock me in when I was a baby that stayed in the corner of the room. He had lit candles and turned on my fairy lights. He was reading my bent and torn copy of Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre. I smiled at him huge, he was such a romantic. He looked up and took me in, eyes widening and darkening simultaneously. His eyes travelled down and he was genteel enough to look away before his stare lingered but it wasn’t like I minded. Still, I respected his values. I didn’t want to rush anything either, despite what my body so desperately wanted. I grabbed my weed bag and got into bed to prepare myself a joint. If he was going to leave, no doubt I would know even if I was sleeping. I’d need the extra help tonight.

“Come here and read it to me. Do you mind?” I gestured to the joint. Before I had finished speaking Edward was on the bed next to me with the book, further than I’d like, since he wasn’t right on top of me. I mentally scolded myself, and again found relief in the fact that he couldn’t read my embarrassing thoughts, even if they were mutual.

“Do I mind? It’s quite cathartic, cannabis. I enjoyed it when I was a teenager, though it was heavily restricted and frowned upon. If I could, I’d join you. Please,” he gestured his consent. I opened a window and the pleasant sound of the rainfall filled the room.

“You’re so brave, you know. I admire that about you.” Edward said quietly.

“How so?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I’ve stalked you. I’ve confessed to you what I am, and that I desire your blood. Yet you allow me in to your home, your bed, your trust in me, I feel it’s undeserved.”

“You’ve also saved my life. You’ve revived my heart. You’re my soulmate. Are you starting to doubt that?”

He rushed to answer. “Absolutely not, our destiny knows no doubt. You just keep surprising me.”

I smiled at him and took a drag.

“Don’t be so shocked that I love you. You don’t see yourself very clearly. You’re exceptionally unordinary.”

Edward smiled at my use of his quote.

He read while I finished smoking and tucked myself into his side. He wrapped the afghan around me over the comforter, and ran his fingers through my hair as I let myself completely relax. Though I was lying next to a vampire, I’d never felt more secure in my entire life. Sleep took me under its wings quickly this way, and the last thing I heard before I gave in was Edward’s silky voice.

“ ‘After a youth and manhood passed half in unutterable misery and half in dreary solitude, I have for the first time found what I can truly love—| have found you. You are my sympathy-my better self—my good angel. I am bound to you with a strong attachment. I think you good, gifted, lovely: a fervent, a solemn passion is conceived in my heart; it leans to you, draws you to my centre and spring of life, wraps my existence about you, and, kindling in pure, powerful flame, fuses you and me in one.’ “

Chapter Text

Loneliness crept into my ears, strangled my throat, and sat heavy in my lungs. I kept running, screaming, and stumbling over tree branches, toward the last bit of sunlight just yards away. It was dying out, and the urgency bit its teeth into me. I bit back and ran faster. If I didn’t make it, I couldn’t be saved, every cell in my body knew this. I would be stuck in the dark forest until my dying breath, and I refused to let that happen.

“Don’t leave me, don’t leave me here!” My voice was foreign, the tenor not quite the same.

My foot caught on a thick root and I went flying, smashing my face into a thick puddle of mud. Looking up one last time, I sobbed at the dying light. I couldn’t help but stretch my arm out to it in one last pathetic effort to save myself. I screamed.

I awoke mid yell in my dark bedroom, drenched in sweat. Instinctively I reached my arms out for Edward and panicked a little when my hands didn’t find what they were looking for.

Cool hands gently took mine and relieved my anxiety. Oh thank goodness. He stayed. Immediately I felt better, and took a deep breath of his scent in.

“Shh Bella, it’s okay. I’m here. I was just on my way out, until I heard you screaming. Did you have a nightmare?” He asked gently and stroked my arm.

“I- um…” I took a deep breath in and sat up properly, reaching for the lamp on the bedside table.

“There was light, it was leaving, and I knew I needed to reach it or, or…” I trailed off, the nightmare was being sapped out of my brain as I spoke.

“I do not know how to leave you when you’re not well. It hurts me deeply, but even more so to watch you suffer.” He said with agony, and laced his fingers in mine. His touch stirred up shared emotional and physical desires. I was terrified of abandonment, and he was also terrified, but so thirsty. He squeezed his eyes shut and let go of my hand. I closed my eyes and tried not to cry when I thought about him leaving.

“I’d ask to come, but…” I started to say, but Edward’s eyes widened with shock and narrowed with ferocity, and I knew I was right to not ask. “I’ll be fine, you need to do your thing. I promise I’ll be alright. I can hold it together for a while.” My voice came out flat, I didn’t know who I was trying to convince more, him or me.

“Please don’t lie to me. I am not well either. I can’t fathom the strength it took just to get out of your bed. If your safety wasn’t at risk I would never leave you. I’ll make it as quick as I can, even if it means settling for vermin. Whatever brings me home to you faster.” His voice was filled with equal parts promise and despair. The word home made my heart stutter. He clearly didn’t want to leave me either, so why go? I’m sure I had plenty of blood to tide him over until breakfast, and I wouldn’t mind sharing, but he’d probably never ask m-

My thoughts were cut short when he grabbed the sides of my face and kissed my lips quickly, then my forehead, only to pull away wincing. I held on to his arms, hoping he wouldn’t feel the tremor in them. I really, had to get it together, for his sake. I wasn’t the one truly suffering with hunger and the possibility of hurting him. I wasn’t the one who could slip up and kill him and have to live for eternity with the guilt. I let go.

“Just leave quickly, before I regret allowing it.” I climbed back under the covers to make him feel better, though I knew sleep wasn't returning. Already my heart tried to escape me to be with him. I tucked my knees up to my chest and forced my head down, repelling the magnetic pull.

“Yes ma’am.” One footstep, a door closing and locking, and just like my nightmare, the light left with him.

Two hours later, the frogs settled, and so did the tears. I was still staring at the ceiling, impatiently awaiting Edward’s return, It felt like the more I spent time with him, the more time I couldn’t tolerate being away from him. It didn’t feel normal, it didn’t feel human, surely it wasn’t the slow burning kind of love of my own species. It consumed every nerve ending, every organ, and washed away everything outside of my own pain. Being welded to him and it hurt like absolute hell to be separated. I felt that loving him this way might actually kill me.

When the sun began to rise, I started to feel anxious that he hadn’t returned yet. Sure I didn’t know jack shit about vampire hunting, but what was taking so damn long? If I had no moral compass, I’d be happy if he just grabbed a human and got it done if it meant coming back to me faster. Surely the human would understand the urgency. I went to the living room and peeked through the windows for the thirtieth time, and like all the previous twenty-nine times, found nothing but trees. I wondered if Edward realized how stupid and pathetic I was and decided not to return. Honestly, I wouldn’t blame him. What I had I done with my twenty-five years? I wasn’t anything special, just a lost girl who couldn’t move on from her trauma, who had no tools under her belt, nothing eccentric or existing or meaningful about her as a person. Surely Edward wouldn’t want that. He realized I was a waste of life and made his escape.

He should leave me. Loving me was never worth the effort, not even for my own parents. He should be with someone more beautiful, more lively, a nice vampire. But the thought of another woman standing by his side made me sick before I could even form the mental image. Bile rose up my throat and I ran to the bathroom to throw up again.

Three loud knocks on the door made me jump mid throw up, causing me to choke pathetically and I pray that he didn’t hear that. Relief flooded my veins at his return. I spat out the blood-laced vomit and called out.

“Come in!” Please, please come in. Just hurry up, cure me of this miserable fucking sickness. I can’t live another second without you.

I hurried to wash my mouth out in the sink, knowing he’d probably be disgusted to smell this on me let alone taste it.

The door closed but I didn’t hear any footsteps or response that I expected to follow. When I looked in the mirror and saw the small girl with the pixie hair standing behind me, I whipped around and jumped back against the sink instinctually.

Alice Cullen and her creepy cheshire cat grin. Definitely not who I needed to see. I almost broke down in tears but right now anger was all I could feel.

“I’m almost positive you’re about to say ‘what the fuck are you doing here?” She chimed.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” We spoke simultaneously.

She jumped and clapped her hands. I was much too dizzy to follow the movement. My heart squeezed hard in my chest. She smelled like him, kinda, which eased the painful edge of my already gaping wounds. But she wasn’t him. I was so caught up in my own self-pity I didn’t stop to think about if he was okay. Was he hurt?

“Another accurate vision!” She squealed, standing there expectantly, which really irritated me.

“Where’s Edward? I thought you were Edward. Is he alright?” I stammered, the words coming out in between pants. She suddenly became serious and stared at me, looked in the toilet, and back at me.

“Are you alright?” She cocked her head to the side, concern in her features.

“Is Edward?” I demanded, balling my fists. Her big doll eyes zoning in and out were freaking me out, and I was getting pissed. My patience was wearing thin and I didn’t want to deal with her right now. I needed to know if he was okay, if he was planning to come back-

“Breathe Bella. Edward is perfectly fine, yes. He’s at our house discussing things with Carlisle. You’ll love Carlisle.” She said quickly, not taking her own advice.

I took a deep breath of relief and finally relaxed a little. Was that so hard for her? I sobered up and quickly regretted my rude tone.

“I’m not usually like this, I’m sorry. You just came in here and… I obviously wasn’t expecting you, he was supposed to return hours ago…” I looked down at the floor, feeling awkward being crammed in the small room with her next to my own vomit. Though she certainly didn’t take up much space, I wasn’t prepared for her being here. The light smell of Edward comforted me when I concentrated on breathing. She laughed, not mockingly, but rather amused. As if my pain was amusing. I pushed the anger down when it started to resurface.

“He was a little sidetracked and came a bit close to home while hunting. Carlisle wanted to say hello, and well, he knew Edward was… changed. He doesn’t know what to think, you two are a major anomaly. Convincing him what you have is real and true, will certainly take time, it goes against everything we practice. But Carlisle is not ignorant. The changes in Edward have been drastic since he met you. It’s nice for all of us, to see him really happy for the first time.” She smiled at me admiringly. I softened and returned the smile.

“I need coffee. Keep talking.” I walked past her to sulk to the kitchen with her right on my heel.

“Undergoing mateship is the only time we truly change and evolve. It advances everything, powers, emotions, thirst, composure, scent, even our overall appearance. We grow stronger, more protective, more beautiful, and much more on edge. So when Carlisle startled him in the woods, he took notice immediately. Questions were asked and he demanded Edward explain himself, though he doesn’t want to entirely admit it yet, he’s very happy for you both and is planning a congratulations as we speak. After a stern talking to, of course, no mingling with the humans and blah blah blah blah.” She rolled her eyes and went to take a seat at the table.

Alice was observant enough to notice my scrutinization at her choosing Edward’s chair, and she picked another one. Part of me felt ridiculous, but his places in my home were his only even if they had been taken for just a few short hours. God help anybody who dare take his place.

“Would you like me to bring you to meet everybody today?” She looked at me excitedly and tapped her black painted fingernails on the table.

I choked on my coffee which was still too hot to drink. Fuck. Was she serious right now?

“Oops, sorry. Perhaps too soon?” Her expression morphed into apologetic.

“I- no. Yes. Kind of? I think it’d be more ideal if Edward accompanied me. I’ve only known him for a day-“

She cut me off, seemingly appalled. “Are you in doubt about your feelings for him?”

“What?” I raised an eyebrow at her in disbelief.

“No, I’m sure about my… Whatever. I was just saying I haven’t known him long and every time I’m not around him, I feel like everything is falling apart. My mind, my body, my life, the world… It scares me. Why am I even telling you this? I don’t know, but as you can see, I can’t meet your family in this condition. I’d like to meet you all, just not right now.” I shook my head and joined her at the table. She relaxed her shoulders.

I almost offered her a cup of coffee, until I remembered she was also a vampire. Also probably as old as Edward, perhaps older. I was afraid to ask, did vampire women feel insulted like humans do when asked their age?

“I wasn’t planning on intruding, but I can see you haven’t been doing well and the opportunity presented itself.” She said innocently.

“Right, you can see into the future. Edward mentioned that last night. Did you know this was going to happen between him and I?”

“No, but also yes. He mentioned my visions of you have been blurry, but what he didn’t mention is that it’s not normal. I can see visions about things that will affect myself or people I know in the future, and I always saw Edward being affected by you in some way, but I didn’t know how. Other humans, vampires, they’re much easier to make out. It’s like you were hiding in shadows, and I had to search to find you. You keep me out well, you keep Edward out entirely, even now. Yet another anomaly.” She leaned back in the chair and scrutinized me. I looked away, uncomfortable.

“I guess I’m just a freak, amongst multiple species. Great.” I rolled my eyes.

“Not a freak, but special. You’re unique, you’ll see in time. I have been dying to meet you, I’ve only been seeing you pop up in my head for the past quarter century. We’re going to be amazing friends, and sisters! I told him, we should have made contact with you sooner. That he should’ve stuck around to get to know you after your attack, but Edward being Edward, he refused. All of this waiting could have been avoided if he just listened to me, but sometimes he’s too stubborn for his own good.” Alice looked down at the table with sorrow and shook her head.

“What do you mean stuck around after the attack? Are you telling me it was Edward who saved me that night? Please tell me you’re not serious.” I asked, my voice was shaking with bewilderment.

“I got a glimpse of you, I could tell you were in danger by the hand of someone, multiple someone’s, behind the woods of the school. Yes, it was Edward who tore the animal off of you. You took off running, and so did they. Edward would’ve ripped their heads off had it not been for our coven agreement. He said he would do what he needed to do to save you and leave. Bella, he’s loved you ever since, but he’s only just noticed it now.” She spoke softly and earnestly. I didn’t quite know how to feel… Upset, uncomfortable, grateful, deeper in love? All four? When words failed me, Alice continued.

“We succeeded in getting two of them for other crimes due to lack of evidence from this one. The third, Micheal, we’ve been keeping an eye on. It’s been difficult to find something to pin on him, being a cop’s son and all. He’s kept a clean record since that night.” Alice sighed and rolled her eyes like we were discussing the weather outside, while I tensed at the sound of Mike’s name. Bile rose in my throat and I chased it down with a sip of coffee.

I felt borderline insulted at her insensitivity about the weight of the topic, as if it could be this simple, as if he wasn’t someone who violently raped me after my rejections at his advances. It wasn’t some name to me, it wasn’t light, not for me. Hearing it made my face flush and my palms sweat. Disgusting grunts and angry commanding voices filled my head.

Glaring at the table, I tried to ignore the vines of anxiety growing in my chest. Edward really should have mentioned this last night, I didn’t expect to find out something this intimate from his sister, without him present. The air was hard enough to breathe without him, now it just felt impossible.

“So, obviously, at this point Ed and Rosalie are contemplating old-school vigilante justice. Carlisle won’t like it, we don’t kill, but he’ll have to understand, because of the circumstances.” She smirked at me.

“But we’re not going to tell Carlisle about last night. That’s a little secret between the three of us. I hope you accept my apology for exposing to you to this kind of violence but we care so deeply about you Bella. We would do anything for you. You’re family.”

I couldn’t help but soften at her sentiments about me, I blushed. It felt amazing to mean something to somebody again, to hear the word family. Underneath that, I felt great shame in being the typical damsel. But, all of that was minor compared to Edward going to such lengths to protect me, avenge me, even. It ignited a fierce, unwavering fire that would never burn out for the rest of eternity. The thought of him ripping Mike’s throat out with his bare teeth felt so satisfying, so romantic, so lovely, I let go of the coffee cup before I could smash it against the wall.

Alice’s voice made me jump. I had been staring at her too long, perhaps aggressively, so I relaxed back in my seat and brought my gaze back to the table.

“Are you alright, Bella?” Her brows pinched together in concern and somehow it made her look more beautiful. Her voice was blurry, like my head was underwater. Ping-ponging between all of these emotions was exhausting me. I just needed Edward to come back and comfort me, after slaughtering my enemies and making love to m-

“I’m fine.” With a mental groan I grabbed the cup and scooted back in the chair to put it in the sink while she scrutinized my every movement.

“But I need to call Edward.”

“You’re a little enthusiastic right now. Maybe just rela-“

I whipped around. “Don’t tell me to relax. I wasn’t asking, you’re welcome to leave if you insist on objecting. You walked yourself in, now you can walk yourself out.” Not having any more to say, I turned on my heel and walked to my bedroom. I didn’t like being rude, but I didn’t need someone breaking into my home uninvited and telling me to relax.

High pitched giggles followed me down the hall.

“I love you so much already! Don’t worry, I’ll text Edward and ask him to come quickly. I can see their discussion is almost over. Once you two talk, life can finally begin!” She trilled. Fingers flashed over a keypad, and the phone shut closed. I already felt relieved knowing he’d be on his way back to me soon if not right now.

I stopped in my bedroom doorway and turned around to look at Alice. She looked quite adorable, with her black pixie hair and blinking lashes over expectant eyes. Her pure happiness and affection made me smile. Despite my bitchy mood, I already really, really liked her. I’d quickly come to love her, I was sure of it. The thought of having her as a sister made my heart happy.

“You’re like an adorable stray cat. I mean that in a really good way. I’m sorry I’m so….” I motioned to myself.

“Y’know, unstable. Can I ask you, is it normal, this experience? Soul-bonding, and all that…“

“When I got a glimpse at what was happening between you both, I was partially in doubt that you could reciprocate a mating bond but… Now that I’ve seen you for myself, you’re just as involved in your bond with Edward as he is, your humanity doesn’t affect that. While I’m sure this is what is happening to you, I can say I don’t remember it being on such an intense scale, for myself. But that’s not to say it’s bad, you’re human, we don’t have any history of this so, who’s to say what’s wrong or right? It will be okay though Bella, I promise you. When we get the opportunity to spend more time together, we’ll talk about it further. I’ll leave you my number, you can call me when things feel messy, okay? The beginning of mateship is no easy feat.” She stepped closer to me and held her arms out. I couldn’t help but give in, and I embraced her cold body, she squeezed me a little too tightly but I didn’t mind. Waves of affection coursed through me, bringing tears to my eyes. I squeezed Alice tighter. My heart pulsed with a different kind of love.

It felt so surreal, I had gained a lover, but also a sister. I could feel it in the foundation of my physical existence that I already loved Alice, too. Not in the way I loved Edward, but in a softer, more familial way, sisterly. I smiled and only let go when I heard the front door close, already comforted by his presence in the room.

When I looked up over Alice’s shoulder, Edward was at the end of the hall, leaning against it arms crossed. He wore a small smile, but his eyebrow twitched like he wasn’t pleased that he wasn't the one touching me. Every time I saw him I was taken aback by just how gorgeous he was. My heart took off like a hummingbird at the sight of him. Saliva pooled in my mouth and I fought the urge to run and throw myself at him. His expression turned hungry. Alice let me go.

“See, Edward? I told you I just needed two seconds alone with her, but you wanted to keep her all to yourself.” She looked at me as she spoke, rolling her eyes and smiling.

Edward hissed at her. She turned over her shoulder and hissed back playfully and looked back at me, fangs sticking out in her smile. They should’ve made me afraid, but really I just felt in awe, I liked the sight of them, Edward’s especially. Part of me was slightly envious.

“That’s my cue to give you back. Another time then, darling. Call me!” She kissed me swiftly on the cheek then danced out of the room and out of the cabin.

Time felt frozen and the ease followed Alice out of the room. Sexual tension and overwhelming emotion took its place. We stared each other down. I held myself back from chastising him about his absence and crossed my arms over my belly.

“You can tell me I should have been back sooner. I know, and I am so sorry it took me so long to get back home to you. You can yell at me, I can take it.” He slowly walked toward me.

But I didn’t want to yell. My face crumpled and tears streamed down my face and before I could wipe them away, Edward was. He wiped my tears and my cheek where Alice kissed me, and placed his lips there like he was removing her scent.

“I’m here Bella. Don’t cry. I love you. I’m so sorry.” He folded me in his arms and held me for a long time. I lost myself in our shared hurt until I could resurface and float rather than drown. I realized it would be endless cycles and trials of learning how to live this way, I would have to accept these bouts of separation or figure out a way we could be together. Humans could become vampires, and it was starting to feel like this would be our only hope to make this work. I had to make it work, I would have to change, or he would inevitably get irritated and decide I’m not worth the effort. Could he, would he change me if I asked, if I begged? Could he understand how standing by his side and never leaving was the only way I could survive now?

“I love you. Honestly, I thought you realized I was a pathetic mess not good enough for you and chose to not come back. I know I haven’t known you long but already being away from you feels so…”

“Excruciating and unbearable? As if the world is closing in? Yes, it does. I wouldn’t have left you if it wasn’t necessary. It wasn’t much of a successful hunt. I thought of all the ways you could get hurt until I was running in circles. Whenever I leave,” he placed his hand over my heart. “Know in your heart I will always return. I promised last night I would never make you feel unwanted, I intend on keeping that promise for the rest of my life, and in every life with you after this one.” He kissed the top of my head and lowered us down to the floor where he held me in his lap.

Waves of calm washed over us both, and I breathed him in. His beautiful scent was always so healing and never failed to instantly relieve me of all my pain. He stitched in the parts of me that were beginning to fall apart.

Edward pulled back to look at me. His eyes were deep amber again, so tame compared to the frenzious black from last night. I stared at every little detail in his face, poreless and perfect as it was, it was unique and it was his. It was mine. He traced a thumb across my bottom lip and broke the silence.

“So beautiful, my Isabella,” he mumbled, staring at my lips.

Before I could answer him, he leaned in and kissed me slightly less carefully than he did hours ago, I reciprocated eagerly. The sweetness of his mouth was incredibly intoxicating and his strength was great enough to leave bruises. It hurt in such a good way. I lost complete touch with my body and gave into him entirely.

His hands ran through my hair and he grasped it tight while he kissed my neck, which was definitely going to bruise. Knowing he’d leave his mark on me turned me on so intensely it was hard to focus on breathing. His soft hair brushed against my chin and every kiss spread pleasure down to my toes. I bent my neck back further to make it easier for him to bite-

Edward went completely still and eased the force he was pulling my hair with. My scalp tingled with numbness and all I could feel was the aching pounding of my heart. Before either of us could apologize, I scrambled out of his lap and we stood up, I was trying not to feel embarrassed at my want that he continued to pick up on. He steadied me when I wobbled.

“I should take a shower. Would you like to keep me company? Not in the shower, I mean. I just mean you can hangout while I do. But I’m not objecting to you showering with me, if you wanted to.“ I stuttered pathetically. His eyes were light and amused.

“Go shower. Let me make you something to eat.” He smiled and swiftly walked to the kitchen, leaving me panting in the hall. I’d think he was softly rejecting me, but his onyx eyes said much differently. I needed to stop thinking about his mouth on me, even if I was a mute he could feel the want and responded to it. For his sake, I needed to get a grip.

As I showered, knowing Edward was just yards away in my home had me wincing in unmet sexual need. I knew it was dangerous to toe the line of tempting a hungry predator, but I couldn’t stop my hand from reaching in between my legs. He had kissed my neck so passionately, with such fervency like he couldn’t get enough of my taste. It was like the universe was forcing us together to make love, I couldn’t quite put it into words. As I touched myself I wondered what it would feel like if it was his hand instead, how his long fingers would go in much deeper and faster with his strength. His cool temperature would make it easier to feel him inside me. Thinking about him whispering in my ear what a good girl I was, and putting his fingers in my mouth while he bit into my neck was all it took to push me over the edge, a small moan escaping my lips.

Post-orgasm regret hit me hard as I turned the shower off and grabbed a towel. I hadn’t really considered how good Edward’s hearing was until now, and my cheeks flamed in embarrassment that he probably heard me no matter how quiet I tried to be.

Only, the embarrassment dissipated when I heard the faint sound of a zipper and retreating footsteps. I smirked to myself in the foggy mirror. So he had heard, and also touched himself just on the other side of this door. He stuck around just to let me know he’d been listening when he could’ve been stealthy. I bit my lip and smiled hard. How the hell were we going to do this carefully?

I wanted to get ready quickly but instead took the time to make myself look nice for Edward since I’d been looking closer to a corpse than a human since I’d met him. I blow dried my hair until it was silky straight perfection, and applied a light coating of makeup to cover up the ongoing sickness and shitty sleepless nights. I chose an outfit of black tight fitting jeans and a black turtleneck to cover the already blossoming bruises on my neck so it didn’t make Edward feel guilty, thinking he’d hurt me when he’d done anything but.

He appraised my appearance and threw me a crooked smile, handing me a second cup of coffee. The smirk on his face told me he knew that I knew he was listening.

“You’re astonishing in color, but there’s something about you in black.” He said, eyes darkening to the same color as my clothing. Yeah, I could say the exact same about him.

I blushed in response.

“Perfect. That completes you.” He handed me a bowl of granola and milk.

“We should shop for you today. You don’t have enough nutrition here.” He sounded displeased.

“Yeah, I was waiting for my next paycheck to shop, as you can see I’m pretty poor. And some of us have to pay for our food.” I chuckled.

He didn’t join in. “I don’t want you to worry about money anymore. My family and I have plenty. What’s mine is yours now.”

I didn’t know how to answer him, but I already knew I wasn’t planning on accepting any, at least not right now. I didn’t think he was flaunting his wealth or anything, but to talk about money like it was so disposable when it was always a concern for my family growing up, and even more so now… It just made me feel shitty.

I stayed silent and ate my granola rather urgently. I needed to get the human stuff out of the way so I could focus on just Edward, I wanted to get to know him more, and I had endless questions to ask.

“I appreciate that, really, thank you, but it’s fine. I’ll survive until next week. Aside from that, anything I took from you would only throw us more out of balance. You’ve given me you, and that’s already much more than I deserve. I would never stop owing you.“ I gave him an appreciative smile, he smiled back but it didn’t meet his eyes.

“The way you regard me is ludicrous.” He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, clearly unhappy at my rejection.

“I’d rather see your place today.” I said, getting up from the table and grabbing my things.

Edward flashed me a wide smile.

“Whatever you want, I’ll give you.”