Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Mahiro Oyama slowly opened her eyelids, staring up at the ceiling, body feeling shockingly chilly.

Why wasn't her blanket covering her at all?

Regardless, she yawned and– ugh, her throat must've been hoarse. She didn't feel any pain, but that yawn sounded way too strained for something not to be wrong. Well, she decided, nothing to be done . Twisting her body to push herself out of the futon, she immediately noticed her arms seeming longer than usual, but she figured it was probably just a growth spurt or some weird side effect of the drug. She had noticed her pajamas feeling like a weird fit when she woke up after all, but she chose to dismiss it then.  Going to stretch her legs out, she immediately noticed they were longer too… a lot longer. It felt like she was piloting a giant mech rather than her own body today. I've really gotta talk to Mihari, something's not right. Besides, if I were really a mech pilot then I'd damn well better have gotten some cool weapons attached.

The only part of her that felt much lighter right now was her head. Not necessarily mentally, although she was also quite lightheaded at the moment, but the physical weight she'd come to associate with her small body proportions and having longer, thicker hair were entirely gone. She touched her forehead with the back of her hand, but her temperature seemed just fine. “Okay that's it–” she started in a mumble, before cutting herself off in total shock at what voice just came out of her mouth. 

What the hell?

She started violently coughing, convinced something must be lodged in her throat that she somehow managed to start choking on. She grabbed for a drink that she hoped, to no luck, would be on the table beside her. In her alarm, she failed to notice – or perhaps didn't want to notice – how large the hand reaching outwards really was. She crawled with urgency and alarm towards her display shelf, knowing she kept spare water bottles underneath, only to find herself a moment later looking to the right instead of below. She knew that this was a bad idea, she knew exactly how much she really didn't want to do it, but something just forced her gaze towards that direction. Something forced 22-year-old Oyama Mahiro (M) to stare at his own disheveled reflection in the mirror his little sister bought for him two years ago, the same way one's eyes would be drawn to a car crash no matter how helpless and distraught they knew it would make them feel.

Tears start to well up in his quivering, terrified eyes, clouding them until everything blurs and fades to black.

“Morning Onii-san~! I know it’s the weekend but you can’t sleep in for too– huh?”

Mahiro slowly opens her eyelids, staring up at the ceiling, body feeling warm, and eyes stinging. “Onii-chan why are you crying? Is everything okay?”
“M ih a r i . . . ” Mahiro’s shaky voice comes through with a crack. It’s strained, but not as strained as she was expecting. She coughs to clear her throat. “ It’s uhmm… It’s nothing. Just a weird dream.”
“Are you sure?” Mihari insists, unconvinced, “weird dreams don’t usually make you cry, you know. Besides, I feel like you’d usually retort with some over the top rebuttal about how you’re not crying, that it’s just the sweat of masculinity or something.”
Mahiro opts only to respond to the first three words Mihari asked. “...Yep, I’m sure. It’s nothing.”
“Mkay, well I have breakfast ready in the kitchen. Um… Be sure to take your time, okay? I’m always here for you, remember, Onii-chan?”
“Yeah, thanks Mihari.” She responds with a forced smile.

As soon as her sister leaves the room, Mahiro presses on her temple and starts to question, with squinting eyes, just what the hell that was! Crying about being back in her real body? Why wouldn’t she want that? It’s what she’s been asking Mihari about since the start of this weird experiment. Granted, she didn’t think about it most of the time, but when she did, she demanded a reversal drug which Mihari always had an excuse for not having. Plus, when she wasn’t thinking about it, she was sure she wasn’t as comfortable in this body… right? R-right! When she’s taken those extra doses of the feminising drug, it’s only been because it was the only option in really tight situations!

… Ugh , it hurt her head to think about. She decides that the best course of action to take is just to ignore it and move on like a man! Yeah… a man. 

After nibbling on parts of her breakfast and engaging in somewhat awkward small talk, Mahiro goes back upstairs to get ready for her day out with Momiji.
Around an hour later, she yells “Bye Mihari!” into the house while walking out to the company of her best friend. She closes the door with a sigh of exhaustion, then gets back into her normally cheerful mood to turn around and greet Momiji.

“Mahiro~! How are you?”
“Momiji! I’m… tired. How about you?”
This earned a concerned expression on Momiji's face, but she decided not to bring it up right now.
“I’m super excited for our date, we’re gonna see so many cool things and have such a fun time!”
Mahiro remains completely oblivious to the use of the term ‘date’, she’s sure it’s just a misunderstanding after all.
“You know there’s probably not gonna be many things you like there, right?”
“Well you’re gonna be there…” Momiji mumbles under her breath, followed by an objection, “Um, but! I think I’ll enjoy it anyway, you know? Kaede showed me some photos of past events online and it looked so cool seeing people enjoy themselves in cosplay and selling manga and all. Besides, Miyo-chan seemed to have such a good time there when you two went together.” The pout she lets out with that last sentence reminds Mahiro of when Miyo was discussing the two’s Lily Garden adventure with the group (making sure to leave out the details of the convention’s theme). She’d seemed suspiciously pleased when Momiji asked to go instead of her next time, but it was something everyone had grown accustomed to by then.

As the two got closer to the convention from the station, they saw more and more people walking around in cosplay.
“Woah, there’s so many cool costumes! It’s almost like we’re the odd ones out.” Momiji says with a toothy grin.
“Kinda makes you feel like we should’ve come in cosplay too, huh?”
“Nuh uh, I like Mahiro just the way she is~” Momiji responds, prompting another blush from Mahiro. “But, if you did cosplay, who would you dress up as? You like a lot of different characters, it seems like a tough decision.”
“Hmm, yeah… So many great options. There’s the classics that are everywhere at cons, your Madokas, Mikus, Haruhis, but then there’s the really obscure characters that nobody knows. I assume going as one of those would mean more excitement from anyone who knows the character, but probably less attention in general. I think I’d go as one of those then, maybe something like… oh, that’s right . Nevermind, haha! I don’t really know, there are too many to choose from for sure.” Her train of thought and excitement completely halt at the idea that to cosplay a feminine character, she’d need to look the part, and the distorted image flashing in her mind of her adult male body trying to cosplay who she wants to just feels so incredibly wrong. She doesn’t want to think about it though, not right now. So she pushes the question onto her friend.
“Umm, so, what character would you wanna cosplay though, Momiji?”

“Me!? I mean, I don’t know, probably some princely feeling character like…” Momiji’s eyes light up as she sees a familiar costume among the crowds. “That VTuber you introduced me to, Suisei!!! The cosplayer is so pretty, woah… Ah– not as pretty as you though, promise~”
“Come on, you’re so unfair Momiji! Hey, you want to take a picture with them though?”
“Eh!? Can you do that?”
“Yep! Here, come on.” Mahiro grabs her hand and leads her with a smile towards the cosplayer. Considering she was still technically recovering from her former hikineet life, she’d normally be less confident in such a big public place like this, but something about the convention environment, wanting to impress her friend, and today in general gave her that extra boost.
“Eh??? Wait, Mahiro-!”

The cosplayer turns as the two approach them to strike up conversation.
“Hi!” The closer at them look has Mahiro pause for a second, before continuing while trying not to draw attention out of respect. “My friend and I love your cosplay, could we please take a picture with–”
“Minato-kun!?” Momiji exclaims in realisation, making the other two wince.
With a lot less of the confidence they’d carried until now and a lot more nervousness, the accused cosplayer slowly responds “Ah, y-yes! Would you… still like to take a picture?”
Momiji immediately recognises she made a mistake and places her hands over her mouth. Trying to make things right only serves to make it clear that she doesn’t realise what the mistake was at all though. “S-Sorry! I’d love to take a picture umm… Sui-chan?”
The failed attempt gives Minato a giggle, as despite its failure, it still shows that their two classmates don’t seem to be disgusted by their current getup. “Don’t worry, it’s not common that people ask you to treat them like their cosplay character. J-just Minato-chan is fine, please!”
Momiji’s eyes sparkled in awe at how much the demeanor finally regained by the cosplayer in front of her matched Suisei’s own personality, even if a little more stuttery and pubescent. "Of course, my apologies Minato-chan."

“Minato-chan, huh?”
“Eh?" They respond, "Is that alright with you, Mahiro-chan?”
“Ah, mm it's no problem. I was just surprised you know. ‘-Chan’ isn’t an honorific I would associate with you. It’s not unheard of for boys, but… That said, there was that time you seemed to enjoy the crossdressing maid café, and I heard some things from… ohhh, I see how it is.”
Minato goes red. “Wait, do you also..?”
“Hmm, it’s not exactly the same, but I get you buddy. We all have our secrets~” She says with a wink, making Minato blush even more.

“W-wait a minute!" Interjects Momiji, "What are you two talking all secret about?”
Minato lets out an exasperated sigh. “Haah, I really want to trust you both, and it looks like Mahiro-chan figured it out already, so I guess I should just tell you it straight. You can’t mention this to anyone though, promise?”
“Of course, Minato-chan!”
“Aye aye, Sui-chan!” Mahiro salutes.
“ Wrong Holo girl… Well, whatever.” Minato takes a deep breath in. “I’ve only told Yuta-kun and a couple of my convention friends this but… I’m transgender. To explain really simply, it means that I was born a boy, but I want to become a girl. In fact, um, I’ve even been testing out a new name, Minako-chan, instead. There are other things that can help me, like training my voice and taking medication which slowly feminises my hormone balance. Ah well, that one I haven’t been able to start yet, but you know, I’m working on it! …Um, well I-I hope you both understand! I’d really like to continue being friends with you!” 

Unfortunately for Minako, who’s just put her whole heart into a monologue she’d practiced in the mirror countless times just in case a situation like this came up, Mahiro’s first thought in response is… I totally thought they just had a weird kink! I'm so embarrassed! Her follow-up thought however, was much more curious. Training your voice? Hormones that change you slowly? Surely if someone actually wanted to be a girl for whatever reason, Mihari’s research would be able to help them so much more quickly than all that! Is that what this was all for? Was the drug Mihari had been testing on her Onii-chan meant to help ‘transgender’ people all along?

“Hey, Minato– sorry, Minako-chan.” Mahiro asks.
She gulps “Yes?”
“...What made you realise you wanted to become a girl?”
“Oh, well you actually helped with that a lot Mahiro-chan~" She laughs, "I always felt a bit, you know, weird about being a boy. Even in video games when I picked girl characters, I justified to myself that it was cuter, but really it was because it just felt more like me. Then you came along and it made me feel even more like girls were allowed to like the things I’d spent my whole life thinking were just boyish, while still being really feminine and um, cute. I-I mean you’re really awesome to me for that! Then, there was the whole crossdressing maid café thing for the school festival. What you said back then, it made me feel like I could maybe learn to get used to it. It’s why I was able to start crossdressing and eventually cosplaying in public! So um, thank you, Mahiro-chan. Even if you don’t accept me, I still… I really appreciate you.” As Minako expressed her gratitude, her confidence dropped a bit and gave way to another flushed face.

“H-Hey, enough flattery!” Momiji butts in, having silently listened for a while. “To be honest, I don’t understand completely. But Minako-chan, I promise we’re still friends with you! Even though I still don’t know you too well.”
Minako’s eyes sparkle, “For real? You are? Oh I’m so glad, thank you so much!”
“Of course we are, don’t worry!” Mahiro adds, reaching out to pat Minako’s head before suddenly finding a wild Momiji in between them.
“Uwah–! When did you get there?”
“...I’ve been here the whole time, what do you mean?” Momiji giggles.

Minako stands behind the two awkwardly, feeling a bit out of place, before getting an idea. “Uhmm, by the way… Do you two want to come around the convention with me? I’ve been to a lot of these things, so I know my way around. Ah, but no pressure!”
“I know my way around too just so you know!" Retorts Mahiro at first, "...But sure, that sounds fun.” She continues with a smile. Upon noticing Momiji’s slight reluctance, she adds on. “For a little bit anyway! I just remembered we have some things we need to do.”
“Yeah, um! Maybe you can show us around a little bit? And then we can go off on our own.” Momiji chimes in, glad that her friend was so considerate.
“Got it, come this way then!”

The three mosey off into the crowds, making sure not to lose sight of each other: Momiji is excited to have a new friend and happy that Mahiro noticed she wanted more time with just the two of them around the event, Mahiro’s shock at how different modern conventions are to the ones she used to go to is distracting her from the identity crisis Minako’s reveal has just given her, and Minako is just glad to have that weight off her chest and that the other two accept her for who she is.

“Mihari-onee-chan! I demand answers.”

Mihari can’t help but burst into a fit of laughter, seeing her sibling in the doorway covered head to toe in different pieces of merchandise, holding themed shopping bags from her elbows which are far too large for what she could reasonably afford, her hands occupied by Light Sticks, cutely trying to talk in an overly serious way.
“Come on, I actually wanna talk…”

“Ahh, sorry Onii-chan! You were just so adorable and funny…” Mihari takes Mahiro's items off for her and places them beside the couch, inviting her sibling to sit down next to her. “So, what’s up?”
“Well, you know that drug you've been illegally testing on me for 3 years?”
“Urk–! Y-yeah?”
“Does it have anything to do with helping transgender people?”
“Huh? Transgender?”
“You know, like a boy who wants to be a girl, I think. One of my friends mentioned it to me, she said um… it was something about how if she– if someone took medicine for it, it’d work really slowly. But what you gave me changed my whole body completely overnight! So I was wondering if maybe your research was about that?”
“I see… Well, sorry Onii-chan, I can’t tell you! Confidential stuff you know.”
Mahiro immediately shoots back, “I’ve been your unethical test subject for years, why does that matter now!?”
“That’s a secret too!” Mihari puts her finger over her lip with a playful wink, just frustrating her sibling more.

Mahiro sighs, exasperated, and stands up to go upstairs. “Nevermind, I’m really tired from the day out. I’m gonna go play video games until dinner.”
She realises shortly upon entering her room that saying she would be playing games was an inadvertent lie, as she honestly has absolutely no energy left. She flops down on her futon and stares up at the ceiling, the lights off and curtains closed like how it was 24/7 just a few short years ago.

…Is this how it always was? That’s right, she had such a fun day today, one she almost definitely wouldn’t have had as the dedicated home security officer she used to be.
But what was it that really changed her life, she wonders? Not to say the changes have been positive, she still doesn’t appreciate being forced into all this… She hasn’t hated it as much as she expected though, and that’s exactly what’s so confusing about all this. Why doesn’t she hate it?
It’s not because her body is younger, she’d already gone through school and everything before with absolutely no luck. It’s not because she’s transgender either obviously, she can’t be. Even entertaining that idea, she can easily dispute it: She never played with dolls or did anything girly, hell she mostly plays eroge and RPGs made for men! Sure, she usually chooses female characters, but honestly who wants to play as a boy in-game? It’s not like it ever mattered that much to her, and tons of non-transgender men do the same. Besides, even after taking that drug, her interests honestly haven’t really changed or been dulled at all, and her name’s definitely still the same. All that taken into account…

I’d have been able to do all of this – make friends, have fun days out, prepare for a job – without my body changing at all.

…Is what she wants to think. But her mind keeps drifting back to that dream this morning. Why the hell did she wake up crying? Why did it make her lose so much excitement, cause so much worry, feel so wrong?

Mihari interrupts her spiraling thoughts with a call for dinner. She comes down and eats without much of either enthusiasm or melancholy, thanks her sister for the meal, then starts on her way back to her room. Well nevermind all that unimportant stuff, she decides, with my newfound energy from this food, I can finally start slaying some monsters!
So she sits down on her cushion in front of the TV and turns it on to the new game she’s been so eager to finish since she started playing.

…

Raghh, why can I still not focus?!

Days pass with the same routine. Mahiro wakes up, usually without remembering the specifics of any dreams but definitely feeling their effects, unenthusiastically getting through the day in a daze. She does still get up every morning and stick to a routine, which her sister credits as an improvement over the times when she stayed in her room gaming 24/7, but Mihari can tell something is definitely up.

This continues for a full week, until one day as Mahiro is going back upstairs after dinner. Her ascent is interrupted by her sister exclaiming with a mouth full of food, “Wait, Onii-chan!”
She turns around and waits for Mihari to continue, which she does after swallowing. “Can you talk to me please? I… I know something’s been wrong recently, I just can’t tell what, and it’s really worrying me…”
Mahiro walks towards her sister and sits back down at the table beside her with an exhausted sigh.
“Mihari, do you think… do you think I’m wrong for doing this?”
“What do you mean, doing what?”
“Y-you know, just… Lying to everyone.” She can feel a wetness on her cheek, but decides to let it flow. She can’t hold herself back right now, try to be someone she’s not after so many years of doing just that. So she explains through her tears as Mihari wraps her arms around her. “I really care about my friends, Mihari. But I don’t know if I deserve them, because who I really am is disgusting. I’m lying to them through my teeth every day, and… It’s not even the lying that hurts the most.”
“Oh? If it’s not that, then what is it?”
“It’s uhm… I think it’s that... I don’t want to have to.”
“I see. I’m sorry if I’m wrong Onii-chan, but are you saying that you wish you made friends with them all as an actual girl?”
“...”
“Come on, we can’t get anywhere if you won’t talk to me.”
Mahiro shifts her head and hesitates, before reluctantly nodding, looking away from Mihari.

“If... if it weren’t a lie, everything would be so much better. I can’t just tell them the truth as things are b-because they would all see me differently, even if they accepted me!”
She sobs into her sister’s arms, Mihari stroking her hair and comforting her. “...I looked into um, that thing you mentioned the other day: ‘transgender.’ To be honest with you, I was never all that familiar with it. Our research was mainly focused on the physical effects rather than the psychological, so when I proposed the idea of using it to help you, my main argument was that the drastic physical changes would allow you a new start. Like, for example, starting a new save file in a video game. In other words, I never considered the specifics of how your gender might affect your mood.”
“Are you trying to say I’m transgender? B-because I’m not, don’t get the wrong idea.”
Mihari sighs and elects to ignore her sibling’s antics. “When I researched it, I found a lot out. Some of the info I found was incredibly relevant to my own research at college, so I have to thank you and your friend for giving me that insight. What else I found out is that, regardless of if you are or not, a lot of what you’ve been going through runs parallel to the transgender experience.” She hears a half-hearted grumble. “Onii-chan, your friend is transgender, right?”
“...Mhm.”
“I think you should tell her the truth.”
Mahiro sniffs and looks up, shocked. “N-no way, Mihari! Didn’t you hear? I don’t want them to treat me differently! I don’t want to lose everything…”

“Mahiro…” The older of the two siblings has a pensive look on her face.
“What?”
“This… Is part of what I meant by your experience being similar to a lot of transgender people. Many of them also feel like they’re living a lie, especially those who don't tell anyone around them that they're transgender. They aren’t doing anything wrong, they’re living their truth and almost always feel much better about it than living as a gender they aren’t inside. At the same time though, they still sometimes feel a sense of loneliness that they can’t tell anyone, and frustration that they can’t have been born their true gender in the first place. Sound familiar at all?”
“So transgender people can just… Never be happy?”
“I believe they can. What I described to you is not a universal experience, just the best I could gather from what I’ve looked up this week. More importantly though, I have to imagine there’s so much joy to be found in being honest with yourself about who you really want to be for the first time in your life, right? I’ve found that many transgender people, especially overseas, are very open and proud about who they are and don't hide it from anyone. But it doesn't matter much whether or not you choose to do that, because either way I know that there are so many transgender people who are perfectly happy with who they are."
“But, like, how do they become happy with who they are? That didn’t really answer my question.”
“That’s something I can’t answer, and it’s why I said you should ask your friend: I think it’d help you a lot. Besides, you didn’t answer my question either, Onii-chan~.”

Mahiro finally sits up and turns to face her sister. “Y-yeah… It does sound like how I’m feeling. That still doesn’t mean I’m transgender, don’t get it twisted.”
“Yeah, yeah, sure. That means you’ll talk to your friend about it though, right!?”
“No promises, I still um… I still really don’t want this to end just yet. B-but I might be more willing to tell the truth if it's to my closer friends first! M-mayyybe I’ll talk to the one I mentioned afterwards and ask her for advice.”

Mihari grins wide. “I knew you could do it Onii-chan~! Or should I start calling you Onee-chan in private too? No, that wouldn't work since you're younger than me...”
“Hey, stop teasing me! I’m still a man, you know. Your strong, responsible, masculine older brother is still right here!” Mahiro says intending to look fierce, making her sister laugh.
“Riiight, sorry. Just don’t put all your eggs in one basket, yeah?”
“Sure, yeah. Um, I feel really exhausted after everything today so I’m going upstairs now." She says with the strongest smile her muscles can muster at the moment, her tears dried but face still flushed. "Thanks Mihari.”
“No problem at all. Oh, and Mahiro?”
“Y-yeah?”
“Not to inflate your ego too much," says Mihari, "but I think you’ve got a way of getting into some good people’s hearts without even trying. I sometimes get jealous of that ability you know~ I can’t promise anything, but I truly think the chances that this will all be over when you tell your friends is close to naught."
Mahiro is far too overwhelmed to properly respond, so she simply nods and proceeds upstairs, leaving Mihari alone with her thoughts.

Haah, that sibling of mine sure is a handful, huh? 
No, no, that’s not right. I’m… I’m supposed to be composed, a good role model. She hasn’t done anything wrong, and she’s definitely not dying, so why do I feel such an undeniable sense of grief?
She sighs to herself. If only Onii-chan were still–