Chapter Text
My eyes blink open slowly as I wake up in my assigned room in Aretia, light softly entering by the window on the far side of the wall.
It has been six days now that I parted from the others and came here.
Garrick wielded me here, and we barged in on a startled Brennan who couldn’t understand for the life of him why we were here. After a whole lot of explaining, and a lot of surprise on his side at the explanation on how I got here to Navarre, Garrick showed me to one of the available rooms. He had been thoughtful enough not to take me to Xaden’s room.
My room is not even on the same floor as Xaden’s. It’s almost as much a relief as it breaks my heart. I will myself not to think of him.
Illusions.
The word has been replaying in my mind for the last six days, ever since that venin ranted about his achievement.
I had spent so long waiting for this reveal, and now I’m not even sure I am happy I found out. Because it only led me to heartbreak. It led me to a dead end, having to wonder if I can even bring Kaori to hone his signet. And led me to literal heartbreak with Xaden and I separating. Or him dumping me.
On the first few days here, I would wake up forgetting that we weren't together anymore. I would reach for him on the other side of the bed. Then, realization would hit, and it would be like the sky was collapsing on top of me, my chest splitting in two. I would begin sobbing, laying pathetically in bed, while Andarna tried to soothe me using our mind connection.
But in all honesty, having Andarna try and reassure only irritated me. I couldn’t dissociate from the fact that while she had agreed to navigate this with me, her first instinct was to side with him. To be mad at me for something completely out of my control, that had upended my entire life.
“I’m so sorry about this,” she apologizes for what feels like the millionth time, and I put up my shields to block her out. I don’t bother discussing her initial reaction with her anymore, but her visible remorse still makes me feel slightly better.
During the first few days, I started regretting not having the usual stuff from back home. I'd crave a TV and stupid junk food, convinced that nothing would taste as good as a stupid movie while eating my weight in chocolate. Then chocolate would make me think of chocolate cake, and chocolate cake would make me think of Xaden. And I'd just start crying harder.
Six days in, and I still can’t wrap my head around his reaction. Back when he made his decision, I was hurting – and panicking – so much all I could think to do was beg him to stay and apologize for the turn the events had taken that day. Which clearly wasn’t enough to sway him.
But, no matter how understanding I tried to be, after the third day of waking up completely hollowed out and full of anguish because of his decision, the sadness started turning into anger.
Now, I am angry at him. I am so angry at him. I don’t think I’ve ever felt such rage before.
I am mad at him for not staying even when I begged him to, even when I explicitly stated that was what I needed. I am mad at him for not loving me enough to not let his fear of abandonment and the betrayal of me potentially breaking my promise overthrow everything else. I am mad at him for not putting my needs first when I have the distinct feeling that this is what I have been doing ever since I got here. Putting everyone’s needs before mine. Putting his needs before mine.
And the one time he had to do the same, he didn’t.
And he wasn’t the only one. Bodhi is another subject I don’t even want to think about right now. Guess it runs in the family.
I feel bad the moment the thought crosses my mind. I know it’s just anger talking. Because, I may be mad, I still care for them. For both of them. I’m still helplessly in love for the older one of the two after all.
But I am also mad at myself. Mad that I let myself become reliant on someone, on him. I remember wondering if I could survive this world without him loving me while he was breaking us up. And with how I’ve been struggling, I was right to worry.
And this is not something I can afford. I need to figure myself out. And to never let something like this happen again. It’s way too dangerous.
I sigh, still staring at the ceiling. I’ll wait until I feel ready enough to get out of bed and drag myself to face the day.
Illusions.
I guess one of the consequences of Xaden’s decision is that I feel more motivated than ever to figure out how to go back. I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life here after this. He will never actually believe that I won’t just decide to leave someday, so there is no future left for us. I don’t even know if I could ever forgive him if he changed his mind now anyway.
My heart fractures for what feels like the millionth time in the previous week. Simultaneously, a wave of Andarna’s pain slams into me. This is the subject she doesn’t bother commenting on. She might have agreed on navigating this with me, it doesn't mean that she wants to participate. This I respect and can accept.
I soothe myself by imagining scenes of me going for a drive with Adam, sinking in my mother’s embrace at night, being engulfed in her warm smell. These images keep me going. Then the usual doubts start creeping in. About how seeing them after so long will go, how confused they will be, how I will be able to continue the life I've abandoned for over a year now. But I ignore them, swiping it all under the rug.
I imagine myself on the beach near my house instead, smelling the salt air, and my pulse slows, all worries escaping me. I focus on the want – the need – to see them another time.
But there’s a big problem I need to tackle if I want to go back: the honing of Kaori’s signet. Me being presumed dead is not as good as an idea as it felt the moment I exposed my plan.
It prevents me from having access to Basgiath, and by extension to Kaori. And my only connexion to Basgiath will be Xaden, seeing how he will go there for Tairn and Sgaeyl, and he will be coming here with Garrick from time to time to plan. Like old times. He doesn’t know it yet, and it’s not something I’m particularly looking forward to.
However, I can’t ask him to help me on this. I may be mad at him, but I’m not a complete bitch yet.
I guess I do have another access to Basgiath, but it’s a little uncertain. Very uncertain, actually. Violet. She will also be coming to whatever post Xaden and Garrick will pick, for Tairn and Sgaeyl. I could convince the others to have her come to some meetings here in Aretia, for strategy matters. And take the opportunity to try and talk her into helping me.
The thought makes me a little uncomfortable, feeling like I’d be using her and blindsiding Xaden at the same time. But at the same time, it’s not using her if I’m completely transparent about it, right? And it’s not blindsiding him if the motive is to spare him unnecessary pain, right?
And this all leads to another big issue. How do we even breach the subject with Kaori in the first place?
Illusions.
I sigh again, deciding it is now time for me to get moving, and to not borrow tomorrow's trouble.
I peel back the covers, dragging myself to the adjoined bathing chamber. Because, yes, Garrick had also been kind enough to give me a room with an attending bathing chamber. After one year of common bathing chambers at Basgiath, this feels like paradise.
I wash my face, before dressing myself with my running outfit. Another perk of leaving Basgiath is not having to wear black all the time. As much as it didn’t bother me back then, now wearing black feels suffocating. Except if it’s flying leathers and it means I can go fly with Andarna. But I haven’t been allowed to since I got here so I’d rather not. Thankfully, Brennan had been able to provide me with some clothing, in various colors, from the local seamstress. I don’t even know how they still have a seamstress or even fabrics at all. But I’m not complaining.
I lace up my boots before exiting my room. I navigate the enormous palace Xaden calls his house, taking the steps of the grand marble staircase two at a time, before going out the main entrance. The guards at the door nod at me in greeting, having gotten used to seeing me every morning.
While my morning jogs had started as a means for survival back at Basgiath last year, it has now turned into a way to stay sane. Every morning when I wake, it feels as if my mind is going to explode, and running has been a great way to sweat off the panic.
The sun is already bright when I reach the courtyard, and I take off as soon as I’ve stretched. Most days, I run until my lungs give out. Today is no different.
An hour later, I’m back in my room, sweat drenching my clothes and making them stick to my skin uncomfortably, my breath coming out in short exhales. I undress quickly before hopping in the shower. I make quick work of cleaning myself, not even hesitating as I put my head under the stream, a quiet satisfaction running through me.
Not everything is bad.
I make my way toward the kitchen two floors below where I’m welcomed by one of the staff. I have never lived with a staff in my whole life because honestly, who does? And I’m not sure I enjoy it. I feel so awkward every time I ask one of the cooks for eggs on toast.
Today is no different, and I get flustered as I thank the young woman for my breakfast. I’ve been avoiding the main dining room where I know Brennan and the others grab their breakfast, always remaining in the kitchen. I quickly eat everything on my plate before rushing to meet Brennan in his office.
This has been my routine since I’ve been here.
While my idea of being stationed in Aretia had seemed like a good idea at the time, it turned out to be… deceiving. So far, at least.
First, it’s lonely. While Brennan is not…mean, he and I are not close. Andarna and I are still not back to normal. And I have already started missing my friends. Well, the friends who still want to talk to me.
I often wonder how the others reacted at the news of my death. Ridoc. My squad. Were they sad? Did they burn my belongings? I shiver. The thought alone makes me feel uneasy. I also wonder how they will react when I see them again. If I ever see them again.
Besides, Brennan’s day-to-day life is… boring. I feel like he spends more days handling paperwork than doing any actual war planning. And while he took me once or twice with him to help rebuild the town, everything else he does is a little… underwhelming. Except for the Assembly meetings, I guess. But I haven't attended one yet. And I haven't run into any of the members so far either.
And it only gives me more time to think – or rather, overthink – about everything that happened. With the illusions. With Xaden. And what awaits us.
I knock quietly on the door of his office, and he calls out to me to come in. I turn the knob, entering silently.
“Morning,” I greet as cheerfully as possible.
I quickly realized that Brennan must also feel lonely. Which I should have gathered from the books, but I never stopped to dwell on it. But that makes me try and be extra nice with him. The fact that he’s the only person I interact with around here also helps.
He raises his eyes, smiling softly at me. “Morning Sara.”
He’s seated at his desk, studying a pile of documents in front of him. I sigh tiredly. Today is going to be all about paperwork if the size of the pile is anything to go by.
I approach him slowly, dragging along one of the chairs from the side of the room. “Need any help with this?”
“Sure. Are you good with numbers?”
I nod. “Yes, actually.”
He hands me a smaller pile of papers. “Then, help with the inventory.”
“On it,” I respond, almost thankful for doing such a mundane task. I like feeling useful and it helps me quiet my mind.
I pick up the first document, reading through it. It’s a housing and building inventory, tracking all the current structures that need to be rebuilt. I notice a library in the midst, but it’s not a high priority, most of the top entries being housing. All houses. I guess they don’t have apartment buildings or condos around here.
“Is there a house per family?” I ask, as I try filling out the sheet for the required materials and workforce.
I’m still not completely comfortable with how their currency works. It was never mentioned in the books, or if it was, I don’t remember it. Brennan had to break down the gist of it the first time I helped him with paperwork. It makes me wonder if my friends are considered wealthy by this world’s standards.
My treacherous mind drifts to Xaden as it always does. He’s nobility, and he has staff in his house for crying out loud. He must be loaded. That was never something I thought to ask him when we were together. There is so much I never thought to ask him.
My heart twists painfully and I shake out of it, waiting for Brennan to answer me.
“Yes, we want everyone who lost their homes in the burning to have one once again,” he explains, immersed in his own work.
I nod thoughtfully. All this construction I’m working on will take years to complete. We don’t have years. And there are high chances we might have to house at least the Navarrian riders who will side with us when we decide to make them aware of the venin. This is one of the timeline’s events I want to preserve, even if I wish with all that I have that I’ll be able to prevent the rest from happening.
I still haven’t told the others about the catastrophic end of Iron Flame. I haven’t been able to bring myself to tell them about it. And with Xaden always withdrawing when the timeline was mentioned, I didn’t try too hard and broach the subject with them. Resson was trouble enough.
But now that Resson is behind us, we have to face the upcoming events. I’m dreading it. I’ve been dreading it for days, especially because I still have no idea how to alter the timeline in a way that will stop him from channeling. But I know that the next time Xaden is here, I’ll have to tell them. Tell him.
It makes my skin crawl. On top of it being the first time I will see him since he broke my heart, I will have to break this catastrophic news. I know he will not react well.
“Shouldn’t we also focus on building housing that can welcome more people?” I ask Brennan, trying to forget about the whole Xaden-channeling situation. “Like barracks or something.”
“We don’t have the numbers to need barracks,” Brennan responds, and something in his answer makes me grit my teeth. He’s good at strategizing, but he’s… nonchalant. He’s not really into preparation and planning ahead.
“If the venin will be at our doors in six months, we might have them,” I point out, keeping my tone even.
I can’t piss off my only human interaction in Aretia. Anger has been the one thing keeping me active the last few days, but I try not to direct it in Violet’s brother’s direction.
He looks at me inquisitively. He hasn’t asked me about the rest of the timeline since I’ve been here. I think he also has been walking on eggshells around me, avoiding mentioning Xaden as much as he could.
“Is this something that happens in your books?” He asks neutrally, refocusing on the task at hand.
“Yes,” I reply, and he rubs his temple. He’s still not completely comfortable with the whole I-read-about-it aspect of things, but he doesn’t comment on it. “Aretia will have to accommodate for many of Basgiath's cadets if – when – we break the news on the existence of venin.”
He sucks in a sharp breath. “That will cut our access to Basgiath’s forge.”
I nod. “It will. That’s why we need the luminary, no?”
“Yes, but the viscount is offering terms Riorson is not agreeing to.” I stiffen at the mention of Xaden. “Does he change his mind in your books?”
“Tecarus does, eventually. But Violet has to go meet him,” I say, voice neutral. “Let’s discuss this after they graduate, like we’ve agreed on.”
I don’t utter his name if I don’t have to.
Brennan tenses awkwardly and I bring my gaze to him perplexed. “Regarding that,” he winces. My heart starts hammering in my ears. “Graduation is today. They should already have picked their assignment by now and should be packing off their stuff to wherever they chose.”
I feel my face go cold.
I swallow thickly. “Are they coming here today, then?” I croak out.
Garrick had told me before going to join the others at Etuval that he will be coming back after Graduation so that we can discuss strategy for the upcoming semester. He didn’t say it, but I had understood that Xaden would be included in this meeting. As he should.
I had just forgotten that it would be today.
“Yes,” Brennan responds, tone gentle.
“Do you know which assignment they picked?” I ask awkwardly.
It has been bothering me since Resson. Not knowing what they were going to do. They know that in the initial timeline, they were assigned to Samara. But at the same time, the whole planning was to avoid having Aetos moved from Basgiath, so that Varrish wouldn’t be brought over. We didn’t want Violet and Xaden to be even more targeted than they already are because of his name.
Depending on what they achieved to do with War Games, there is a chance Varrish will not be brought to Basgiath. That’s what we were counting on. But that would mean that Varrish should remain at Samara.
We had agreed to wait until after Resson and after getting back to Basgiath to decide on this. But clearly, I am not there with them anymore.
“No, they’ll tell us once they get here,” Brennan replies, bringing me out of my reverie. “They should be here mid-afternoon. We’ll have until tomorrow morning to sort everything out.”
This means that I have a few hours to prepare myself before facing him.
But I’m happy to see Garrick. At least, there’s that.
Brennan watches me for a couple beats before turning to focus on his work again. Discussion over. Message well received. I turn back to the inventory, my mind and my stomach both tied in knots over the afternoon.
The numbers, which I usually like, aren’t enough to soothe me this time.
***
It’s after lunch when I hike my way up onto the near hill where Andarna comes to meet me every day. We aren’t allowed to fly together to avoid bringing any unwanted attention. Or to make my presence here known. I’m supposed to be dead after all.
My mind is still a tumbling mess, my stomach in knots from the nerves of this afternoon.
“I’m here,” Andarna says kindly, and it helps my mind settle a little.
I reach her quickly after that, running the last few feet to link my arms around her scales, kissing her snout affectionately. Tears are already streaming down my face when she chuffs tenderly in reply.
We might still not be back to normal, but she’s still the closest thing to family I have around here.
“Don’t cry, Sara,” she tries to comfort me, still at loss on how to react to my constant crying.
I feel like I have spent the last week crying. I hold myself together in the mornings, my runs helping to release most of my nerves, then manage to keep my cool while working with Brennan. But every day, come lunchtime, I reach my limit. And I find myself running here to meet Andarna, her reassuring me as I bawl my eyes out. I think it also helps her feel less lonely, being far from the Vale like we are. But I bet she wishes I wasn't crying all the time.
Angry tears, but still, tears.
“He’s coming here,” I sob, my heart feeling like it’s splitting in my chest. “Today.”
It hasn’t stopped hurting since Resson but the realization that I’ll have to face him in a few hours makes the anguish burn even more.
The worst thing about this is that I miss him so much I want to see him. I don’t think I could survive if I were never to see him again. But I know that seeing him this afternoon will hurt. A lot.
All kinds of scenarios have been running through my head, imagining how he will act when I see him. They are all horrible. Just the thought of being near him without being able to touch him or having him watching me all cold and withdrawn, not a single emotion showing on his face is torture.
Today is going to be pure torture.
“You knew he would be coming eventually,” Andarna says, voice gentle.
She’s mad at him, for how he broke my heart, that’s for sure. But I know that deep down, she understands him a little and feels for him. And I do too, in some measure. Despite the sadness and anger he’s caused me. That he is still causing me.
Right now, the sadness is apparently overpowering the anger.
“I know,” I cry harder. “But I don’t know if I can face him today.”
“Sara, you are the strongest human there is,” Andarna soothes, voice proud. “You can face anything.”
“Not him,” I object, and I feel like I’ve lost all my common sense. “I need him. I miss him. Seeing him acting cold is going to break me.”
“You haven’t broken despite everything you’ve had to face this year,” she reminds me. “It’s not the wingleader who is going to break you.”
“You’re wrong,” I object stubbornly.
I feel like I’m losing myself. This is the thing that I feared all along, and it feels like it has finally happened. But never did I think Xaden would be the reason for it. He was the one who made me blossom here, and now I’m withering.
“Sara,” she chides, growing exasperated at my rebuttal. And my stubbornness. “You’re strong. And he’ll be hurting too. He’s hurting, I’m sure. Don’t imagine that today will be easy for him either.”
I grit my teeth. He’d better be hurting. I hope his heart hurts as much as mine does. It’s petty. Sure. But I’m not above being petty right now. I’m not above anything.
“He’s the one missing out on the best woman in Navarre, so he’s hurting, except if he’s too stupid to realize it,” she says, voice confident, and appreciation blooms in my chest. “But we have work to do anyway for this war. It won’t matter if you’re mated or not if we all die because of the venin.”
I freeze, my sobs calming slightly. She is right. This is all secondary to the drama in my personal life.
I asked to be here, to help strategize. And it starts today. It’s up to me to be up to the task now.
I stay with Andarna’s comforting presence for another hour, my mind calming down slightly as well as my crying. Then I go back inside, to make sure that I don’t catch them as they appear. I might have decided to put the strategy above my personal drama, it doesn’t mean I want to stir the pot before I absolutely have to.
So, after making sure that Andarna will inform me of their arrival, I go and hide in my room. I take another shower just to kill time. Then I dry my hair as thoroughly as I can. Then I fold all my clothes. Then I clean all my room.
Finally, Andarna speaks in my head. “Chradh and Sgaeyl are here.”
My whole stomach twists in knots. I feel like I’m going to throw up.
“Can you ask Marbh to let you know when they’re in Brennan’s office?” I ask her, not wanting to run into them in the hallways. Or see them before I absolutely have to.
“Of course.”
Her voice is soft, but also worried. She has never seen me avoid something like this. She has always been used to having me face things heads on. Clearly, I’ll have to fake that bravado in the room later on.
But right now, I’ll take the extra few minutes.
I untie my hair, letting it fall down my back. I brush my teeth for extra measure. I look at myself in the mirror before sighing. All this is ridiculous. I don’t know why I want to show that I’m keeping face. This is a regular strategy meeting for fuck’s sake. I braid my hair back.
I try looking for something else to do but that's when Andarna lets me know that they've reached Brennan’s office. Here’s to nothing.
I take a deep breath, exhaling shakily. Then I open my door, coming to a halt immediately. Leaning on the wall in front of me, arms crossed across his chest, chest taut as a bowstring, is Xaden.
Xaden.
I don’t know what I expected to feel the next time I saw him. But my heart twisting painfully like a vice in my chest was a good guess. As well as the anger lighting up like a fuse in my gut.
I slam the door shut in his face.