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Elrond closed his eyes for a moment and allowed himself to breath. In and out. Slowly. The icy wind of the forest was toying with his hair, messing it up but right now he didn’t care about the knots that were surely starting to form. He didn’t care much about anything. The journey from Lindon to Eregion wasn’t usually a difficult one but some things had added up, things that normally wouldn’t bother him at all, leaving him where he was now. Exhausted, soaked, slightly dizzy and cold somewhere in the middle of the forest. Carefully Elrond reached out and used a tree to support himself when he felt his legs growing weak. Eregion was still far, and Elrond wasn’t sure how much further his legs would carry him today. But camping out in these icy and rainy forest wasn’t much of an option either.
Suddenly a thought struck him, and he determinedly pushed himself upright again, now filled a new purpose, a more reachable destination that offered warmth and rest. Khazad-dûm was closer than Eregion but still farther away than he had hoped and collecting his last strength he barely managed to knock at the large entrance when he finally arrived. Another sharp gust of wind hit him from the side and Elrond shivered.
Fortunately though, once the dwarf on watch recognised him, he immediately opened the door and led him inside. Although slightly warmer, the large stone halls were still chilly, and Elrond only felt a small relief. He must be looking worse than he thought though because the dwarf insisted on escorting him to Durin’s chambers when he usually was allowed to walk through the large halls of stone by himself. The walk through Khazad-dûm seemed endless and Elrond was afraid he might collapse but finally they reached the right door and with a short nod, the dwarf left him alone. Elrond knocked softly and a couple seconds later the door opened, and he looked down at the red and somewhat gruff looking face of Durin.
“Elrond?”, his friend asked, surprise clearly written all over his face.
“My friend, I apologise for my late intrusion, but I was hoping I might find shelter with you for the night”, he said. Despite his best efforts he couldn’t suppress the chills that wrecked his body, and he was so dizzy he felt like his legs could give up any second. Durin eyed him for a second, a flicker of concern crossing his face.
“Come in ye pointy-eared flagpole before ye collapse on my door”, Durin said and pulled Elrond inside. A wave of warmth hit Elrond when he entered that intensified as Durin led him to a seat close by the fire. His friend kept a hand on Elrond’s arm the entire time as if to ensure he didn’t collapse on the spot. That alone told Elrond how awful he must look because usually Durin wouldn’t bother with something like that and would instead tease him about his rumpled hair.
“Aule’s Beard Elrond, what happened to ye?”, Durin asked when Elrond had sat down and threw another large piece of wood into the burning flames. Elrond didn’t respond immediately. Instead, he allowed the fire to warm him a little first. His whole body trembled from the effort of generating warmth and although he tried to fight it, his teeth chattered.
“I merely wished to see you, my friend. I was passing through the woods and decided to pay you a visit”, he managed to say and tried to smile at Durin who didn’t look pleased though.
“Stop talking orc-shit elf. Ye look like ye’ve been dumped into a river full of icy water.”
“Not a river, just rain and winds all day”, Elrond explained, “nothing to be worried about but I wasn’t sure I would safely make it to Eregion tonight.”
“Ye wouldn’t have made it two steps further”, Durin pointed out and briefly left the room, only to return seconds later with a furry blanket. “Here, this will help ye warm up. Ye look half frozen to death.”
His friend wrapped the blanket around his shoulders and Elrond couldn’t help but curl into it. Despite being made for the size of dwarves, the blanket still covered a lot of his freezing body.
“Thank you, my friend”, Elrond said genuinely and looked at Durin appreciatively. Durin nodded shortly and settled into a chair opposite Elrond. For a moment they sat together in silence.
“Where is Disa?”, Elrond finally asked.
“She visits an old friend at the other end of the mountain. Said she might come back late tonight or maybe tomorrow morning.”
Elrond hummed absently, taking in the information. Slowly, his body started feeling warmer. Though every inch of him was tired and sleep pulled at his mind he found himself relaxing. All the stress he had been carrying seemed to fall off him here at the fire next to his friend.
“Are ye really not going to tell me, Elrond?”, Durin asked him, sounding hurt and amused at the same time.
“Tell you what?”
“How ye managed to end up soaked, cold and barely conscious on my door!”
Oh, that. Elrond hadn’t realized that he hadn’t told Durin anything yet. His mind had been preoccupied with staying awake.
“I…” He hesitated. What should he tell his friend? That he had merely been in the area and had been looking for a place to rest. Or that the heavy rain caught him by surprise. Both things were true but not the reason he was feeling as bad as he did.
“Come on Elrond, we’re friends. Ye can tell me what’s bothering that pretty little head of ye”, Durin said slightly teasingly but his eyes showed genuine concern. Elrond took in a deep breath.
“I am on my way to Eregion. The High King sent me from Lindon. My time in Lindon has been stressful lately and I suppose my body and soul were already weakened and therefore affected more by weather and exhaustion than they normally would.”
Durin eyed him for a second, an unreadable expression on his face.
“What stressed ye out in Lindon this much?”, he asked then. Elrond sighed. Everything would be the honest answer. And nothing really. It felt difficult to explain. But Durin looked at him with nothing but concern and understanding and Elrond knew that if he could tell anyone it would be his friend.
“The High King has had a lot of burdens lately and not everything is working the way he wishes. I try my best to fulfil my duties and serve him but lately my efforts seem not enough. Whatever I do, no matter how much I work there is still something left to do at the end of a day. I can’t seem to get ahead of it”, he explained and avoided looking at Durin when he felt tears sting in his eyes. This shouldn’t bother him as much as it did. He was strong and smart. A well-liked and trusted servant of the king. And yet it all seemed too much.
“I feel like I am drowning, Durin”, he admitted quietly. “I keep going, I do everything, and I still can barely breath anymore.”
He wiped his eyes before looking at Durin. There was a mixture of anger and worry written over his face.
“I think I should give ye king a good talking to”, he grumbled. “He can’t just use ye for every little need and wish. Ye gonna collapse eventually Elrond.”
“I didn’t even realize until today how bad it has become, how drained I feel”, Elrond replied quietly. “When I was out there, Durin. In this storm, freezing and soaked to the bone I felt like giving up. Like sitting down and never getting up again. Then I though of you and when I realized that Khazad-dûm wasn’t far I found new strength, new hope. The thought of seeing you filled my heart with joy like I have not felt for a long time. And yet, all I bring to you are my sorrows and worries. I am sorry for being such woeful company tonight.”
At that Durin scoffed.
“Oh, stop it. Ye are a lot, Elrond. Annoying, stubborn, ye use way too many words to say simple things and ye are too polite for ye own good. But ye are never bad company!”
Elrond laughed. It was the first genuine laugh he had felt for quiet some time.
“You are not that bad either my friend, for a dwarf”, he said and smiled at Durin.
“Watch your mouth, elf”, Durin replied, pretending to be offended. And for a moment they both sat there grinning at each other. But then Durin’s face turned serious again.
“Ye know Elrond, whatever stupid problems ye king or the elves have, ye always have a place here. A place to forget all that for a moment. Maybe next time, ye come to us before ye are about to collapse”, he said, all humour gone from his voice.
A warmth spread through Elrond’s chest that had nothing to do with the burning fire.
“Thank you, my friend”, he whispered. Durin nodded shortly and got up. He gently placed a hand on Elrond’s arm.
“Come, ye need rest. Let’s just hope ye fit into our guest bed”, he said and pulled Elrond to his feet. Elrond saw black dots for a second but fortunately his vision cleared, and his legs didn’t buckle. Durin still didn’t let go of his arm.
“I am sure I will find ways to adapt to the size”, he replied smiling fondly at Durin. His friend shook his head in amusement and lead Elrond to a small adjacent chamber that Elrond has slept in before. The bed was actually designed to be larger than most dwarven beds and the last times Elrond had managed sleeping in it just fine. Today though he was sure he could fall asleep on a solid piece of rock if he had to, being as tired as he was. Durin guided him to sit on the bed and Elrond barely resisted the temptation to curl up under the soft covers immediately. Durin must have noticed his longing look because he chuckled in amusement.
“Ye need anything before ye can collapse?”, his friend asked. Elrond shook his head. All he needed was to lie down and don’t get up again for some hours.
“Thank you, Durin, this bed is all need at the moment”, he therefore replied.
“Good. Get some sleep Elrond, ye earned it”, his friend said surprisingly soft, and their eyes met for a second before Durin left the room and quietly closed the door behind him. Elrond didn’t waste another moment and stretched himself out on the bed as best as he could.
He didn’t want to admit it, but he really wasn’t feeling well. He was lightheaded, his head ached, and chills still attacked his body despite the warmth of the fire and the blanket that he had pulled around himself as tightly as possible. But surely some sleep was all he needed. Elrond tried to focus on nothing, to just completely stop thinking about anything, especially his duties and failures. Instead, he listened to the crackling of the fire and the soft humming of the mountain. Only seconds later he was fast asleep.
“I’m telling you Durin, he looks sick”
“Elves don’t get sick”
“Maybe not usually but he is not healthy. Look at how pale he is. And he seems terribly cold”
Elrond wasn’t sure if the voices were real or if he was dreaming. His head felt heavy, and his thoughts seemed clouded. For a moment he wasn’t even sure, if he was awake or still asleep. But the noises in his room slowly pulled him back into consciousness. He forced himself to focus on his surroundings and finally recognised the two figures standing close to the door. Disa and Durin. Elrond blinked in an attempt to clear his head, but it didn’t help. Instead, a deep ache had settled behind his temples.
“Elrond, are ye awake?”
Durin’s voice was unusually soft, and Elrond thought he heard a trace of concern and worry in it.
“I…I…yes I am awake”, he mumbled in response, surprised to find his voice weak and unsteady. Why was he feeling so cold? He tried to pull the blanket closer around himself, but it didn’t help much against the chills. He shivered. Every muscle in his body felt heavy and seemed to ache.
“Ye worry us my friend”, Durin said, and they both slowly approached the bed.
“You look like you are sick, Elrond”, Disa added, sounding just as concerned as Durin.
Sick? No elves didn’t get sick. But for him that was only halfway true because Elrond, despite his choice to be one of the Eldar, was still half-elven. And even if he tried not to let that affect him, he still sometimes dealt with problems most elves didn’t have. Like developing illnesses from stress or lack of rest. It wasn’t the first time Elrond had worked himself into the ground far enough to make it impossible to get back up. But he did not wish for Durin and Disa to see him in this state.
“I am alright, just need some more sleep”, he therefore said and had to put all his strength into forming the words. Durin looked at him doubtfully.
“Ye are the most stubborn elf I have ever met, ye know. Ye would make a good dwarf”, he said and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “It’s not for ye own good though, pretending to be fine when the people that care about ye want to help make ye feel better.”
At his friend’s words something in Elrond broke and he felt tears stinging in his eyes. He was so used to fighting on his own, being independent and never a burden to anyone that he sometimes forgot that leaning on others in difficult times was not weakness.
“I might be feeling a little worse than I thought at first”, he quietly admitted. “I didn’t realize how much my body has been affected by everything.”
“Don’t worry Elrond, Durin and I will take care of you, and you will be back at your full strength soon enough”, Disa replied, and Elrond wondered when she had returned home and what time it was. “I will get you some water and something light to eat. You need to keep up your strength so your body can heal.”
And with that she disappeared from the room. Elrond turned onto his back and starred at the ceiling. His whole body ached, his head was throbbing painfully but the shivers, that still clung to his every bone and muscle were the worst of it. Suddenly he felt the bed shift beneath him and when he looked up, he saw that Durin had sat down on the edge of the mattress.
“Ye really look awful, Elrond”, his friend said, his teasing voice betrayed by the concern in his eyes.
“I admit I have seen better days”, Elrond replied and groaned, when his head seemed to explode with pain. He pressed his hands against his temples, but it didn’t help much.
“Hold on my friend”, Durin said and quickly got up. Elrond was too exhausted and, in too much pain, to look what his friend was doing but only a moment later Durin sat down next to him again and pressed something cool against his forehead and covered him with what seemed to be another blanket. Elrond let out a content sigh. Slowly the pain in his head went down to a more bearable level and the shivers that had been attacking him faded. He didn’t feel warm and healthy yet but at least a little better. What helped the most though was the quiet but comforting presence of his friend. Durin had placed a warm hand on his arm and looked at Elrond with a worried expression.
“Thank you, Durin, for being here with me”, he whispered. Durin smiled warmly at him.
“Always, Elrond. Somebody has to take care of ye and make sure ye don’t collapse.”
“I might have overdone it a little this time and should have stopped earlier to take a break”, Elrond admitted. He had meant to. When he first started feeling a little more exhausted than usual, he had told himself he would rest soon. But the rest never came and instead he had taken on even more duties and had tried to be at too many places at the same time. And now he was paying the price.
“Ye’re damn right ye should’ve”, Durin muttered, slightly shaking his head. “But we both know ye will never do that. Ye always think ye need to carry everything and everyone until ye crash under the weight.”
At his friend’s words Elrond quickly looked away. He knew Durin was right. He knew he needed to take better care of himself. He wasn’t even sure why he felt this strong need to be perfect, to endure whatever task was laid upon him but he just couldn’t stop. And what he hated most about it, was that his inability to take care of himself was forcing Disa and Durin to deal with the mess he had made of himself. The thought of burdening his friends with his troubles was making him feel sick.
“I always try Durin, but it seems that I try so hard not to fail everyone who puts their trust in me, that I try to fulfil all my responsibilities as perfect as possible that I burden those with the fallout who matter the most to me”, Elrond said quietly, still not meeting his friend’s eyes.
Durin sighed audibly but his eyes softened when he looked at Elrond.
“Ye don’t bother us Elrond. Ye never have and ye never will. We’re friends, brothers and what kind of friend would I be if I leave ye alone when ye’re struggling”, Durin replied and squeezed Elrond’s arm a little.
“What I’m trying to say is, ye don’t have to pretend anything, ye’re safe here and we don’t mind taking care of fragile overworked elves”, he continued with just a hint of humour before he turned serious again. “Ye always have a place with us, Elrond. A place with me. At all times, good and bad ones.”
Elrond felt a lump from in his throat at his friend’s words that had nothing to do with his sickness. Tears formed in his eyes, and he quickly wiped them away with his hand. How was it possible that during all the time he lived with elves he had never really felt like he belonged, never felt like he could allow himself to break but one dwarf turned out to be the best friend he had ever had.
“Your word’s touch my heart my friend. I don’t feel like I deserve your kindness”, he managed to say after a few moments of silence. Durin rolled his eyes at him.
“Ye have a great talent for talking bad about yeself”, he muttered. “Ye are like a brother to me, Elrond, ye don’t have to earn my kindness. Ye will always have it.”
Elrond didn’t know what to say in response. He was still cold, his head still ached, and he was unbelievingly tired, but a warmth seemed to spread inside him that the blankets had nothing to do with. He had always valued Durin as a great friend, as his family but it had taken him until today to really understand the meaning of having a brother. It had been so long since Elrond last had called someone his brother but with Durin it felt right, like it was always meant to be.
Because for once he couldn’t find the words to express how much Durin’s words meant to him he instead reached out and in a moment of rare emotion between the two of them, held Durin’s hand, hoping his friend would understand all the things he wanted to say.
Durin smiled at Elrond and gently squeezed his hand as well. It wasn’t often that they would talk openly like this, sharing their troubled thoughts and feelings but at this moment it felt right, and Elrond was glad to have his friend by his side.
“How are ye feeling, Elrond?”, Durin asked. Elrond shrugged, not entirely sure himself. He was still feeling quite sick but also more relaxed and at peace than he had in a long time.
“I will be alright, after some more rest and maybe some food”, he therefore replied, allowing himself to sink in deeper into the bed, absorbing the warmth around him.
“I can help you with the food”, a voice suddenly said, and Elrond smiled when he saw Disa returning. She carried a small tray with a steaming mug and bowl of soup that she placed on the table next to the bed.
“I heated up some soup, you need something to warm you up and give you strength. Knowing my husband, he hasn’t offered you anything to eat at all since you arrived”, Disa said, looking accusingly at Durin. Elrond chuckled slightly and carefully propped himself up into a sitting position. Disa made sure all of the blankets were still covering him nicely.
“His abilities as a host always had some room for improvement”, Elrond replied, smiling teasingly at his friend who snorted at that.
“I made you a fire and got you a blanket. Don’t expect a royal treatment just because you are some pretty little elf“, Durin said, raising his bushy eyebrows. For some reason, Elrond had to laugh. Not just a small smile but a full-hearted laugh. It felt amazing. During the last weeks he had barely experienced any opportunity to enjoy himself but here, in the heart of Khazad-Dum he felt a joy inside him that had been buried for so long.
When his eyes met Durin’s, his friend let out a loud, content laugh himself. Disa just rolled her eyes at them but also cracked an amused smile. They must have been quite the sight. Not that Elrond cared about that at the moment. One of the reasons he felt so safe, so at home when he was around Durin and Disa was that he didn’t have to pretend to be someone. There was no need for perfection, for elegance or for flawlessness. Here he allowed himself to simply be himself.
The laughter echoed through the room however soon Elrond’s own laugh turned into coughs and his body harshly reminded him of its momentary weakness. Disa immediately handed him the steaming mug she had brought.
“Drink Elrond “, she urged and carefully Elrond took a sip. The beverage was hot, very hot but had a very pleasing taste to it. His favourite herbs had been mixed into the hot water, now spreading a comforting warmth through his entire body. How had Disa known to make this drink just the way he loved it?
“I don’t know, why you elves enjoy hot water mixed with herbs this much”, she said, apparently noticing Elrond’s surprise. “But Durin has told me all about your particular favourites and makes sure, we always have something in stock in case you visit.”
She lovingly looked at her husband who to Elrond’s amusement turned bright red.
“It is perfect, Disa, thank you”, Elrond said before he turned to look at his friend as well. “I have to thank you Durin, for being so considerate to remember the herbs I like the most. I always knew you had a soft side and am glad to be able to see it tonight.”
Durin scoffed at his words.
“Don’t get too cocky, elf. The only reason I keep this awful stuff for ye is that ye weak elven stomach couldn’t handle any real dwarven food.”
Elrond snorted at that while he slowly took a spoonful of the soup. It tasted just as nice and warmed him even more. Only while he ate, he realised how much his body needed the food and before long he had finished the entire bowl and leaned back, now feeling warm, content and incredibly tired.
“Thank you, Disa”, he said quietly when she took the empty bowl from his hands and tucked the blankets around him once more.
“You are very welcome. But now you look like you could use some more sleep”, she replied.
“What she means is that ye look like a young lad who worked in the mines for the first time and overestimated his strength”, Durin said grinning.
Elrond just rolled his eyes at his friend before he closed them slowly, curling up under the blankets. Now, warm, safe and not alone anymore he might actually be able to rest properly. He heard Disa and Durin moving, felt the weight shift from his bed. Just before he was beginning to fall asleep, he felt a warm hand on his shoulder.
“Sleep well, Elrond”, his friend whispered, and Elrond smiled to himself before he finally drifted off to sleep, feeling truly at peace for the first time in a long time.