Archive of Our Own

At first, I don’t realise that Aaron is blackmailing me. It isn’t until he gestures to my phone and mumbles, “I just think we could help each other out,” that it sinks in.

And, in all honesty, the whole phone thing had been my fault; I’d left it open on my Twitter DMs, distracted by Kevin’s loud altercation across the library. When I’d ambled over to him, I’d found him blowing hot air at the librarian over the only copy of Exy 101 already being signed out. I’d just clapped him on the back and said ‘hard luck, buddy,’ whilst making a mental note to shove the book a little further into my bag before practice tonight. It was on the way back to my desk that I’d bumped into Aaron.

“That’s my phone,” I’d said, pointing to where he was holding it an inch from his face.

“I’m looking for Andrew’s,” Aaron had replied blandly. “He said he left it in the library.”

“It’s not that one.” And that should’ve been the end of the conversation. Except I left my Twitter DMs open, and Aaron Minyard is a self-serving little weasel.

“What exactly,” I say now, voice thick, “are you asking me?”

“You’re on the cheerleading squad,” Aaron replies, shrugging. It’s a recent addition to my social calendar, one facilitated by the aforementioned Kevin Day. Apparently, I’m not flexible enough on the court. I think Kevin is a dick. “You know Katelyn.”

“I do.” My voice is tight, tighter than the vice-like grip I have on my phone. Aaron saw the messages. Aaron Minyard saw the messages.

“So.” He points to my phone again. “Uh. Do they go here?”

He’s talking about Doe. Doe isn’t their real name, I’m pretty sure, but we haven’t exactly swapped social security numbers—on Twitter, I’m Abram_Exy, and they’re DilDoe. I found the name amusing at first when it popped up under one of my threads critiquing the Raven’s recent season, calling me a brainless idiot.

Abram_Exy replied: And I’m supposed to believe someone with a name like ‘dildo’ is an expert in all things sport?

DilDoe replied: ur supposed to understand that i’m smarter than u

And that was sort of how it started, really. There were a few weeks, off and on, where Doe would comment little quips on my tweets—the odd remark, the odd correction. Things spiralled a bit when I mentioned Kevin Day by name. I’d called him the best player in the league. Doe did not like that.

Direct message from DilDoe: kevin day is a spoiled child with an oversized toy, u can’t seriously think he plays better than neil josten

I’d almost blocked them on sight. It wasn’t that Doe had said anything wrong, per se—although I had to disagree with their ranking—it was the fact that I am Neil Josten.

But I was intrigued, I guess. Intrigued enough to reply: So you go to PSU, then?

DilDoe is typing…

I bit my lip.

Direct message from DilDoe: i just follow the games

Even then, I knew I was disappointed. Whatever casual rivalry Doe had started up with me, it ended here—they didn’t go to my school, and that was that.

Except that wasn’t that. It isn’t that. I’m in my second year at PSU, and I’ve spoken to Doe every day since the winter of my first.

“No,” I eventually tell Aaron. “They’re just an online friend.”

“Pretty cosy for a friend.”

I want to smack Aaron Minyard. “Yeah, well. If you could just forget about it—”

“See, I don’t think I can , Josten.” Aaron taps his chin. He’s three inches shorter than me, with a slight build; I could probably tackle him to the ground. I’m seriously considering it when he speaks again, “But like I said, I think we could help each other out.”

“Katelyn,” I say through gritted teeth. “What? D'you want me to bring your name up to her? Ask what she thinks?”

“I want you to help me get with her.”

I scoff. “Not gonna happen, Minyard.”

“Okay.” He points to my phone. “Then those messages are going on the PSU Insta.”

The PSU fucking Insta. It’s an updates and announcements page, borne from the ashes of the abandoned newspaper. Aaron, the fucking nerd, is the treasurer. He could one thousand fucking percent post about Doe and me on the PSU Insta.

And then it registers what he’s telling me. “You…” I take a deep breath, swallow. “You screenshotted my messages? Did you post them somewhere?”

“No,” he says, holding up his own phone. “I airdropped them to myself, see?”

“ Why ?”

“Because, I think we could—”

“Help each other out, I get it, Minyard!”

“Good.” He smiles at me, slowly. “So, Katelyn.”

“Go to hell,” I say, but I don’t leave. Doe doesn’t go here, but they sure as hell follow the PSU Insta. I know this, because four months ago they sent me a message.

Direct message from DilDoe: why is kevin day in a trash can

I’d blinked at the message a few times before replying with shaking fingers: Are you stalking him, Doe?

Direct message from DilDoe: no

i mean

no, it’s just on the insta thing

Abram_Exy: You follow my school’s gossip page?

DilDoe is typing…

Abram_Exy: Doe??

Direct message from DilDoe: i like exy

Abram_Exy: Liar.

So no, Doe doesn’t go to PSU. But if Aaron uploaded our messages—if Doe saw our conversations exposed—I kind of think they would block me. The thing about Doe is that they’re, surprisingly, really fucking shy. It took the whole of the almost-year we’ve been talking for them to trust me enough to open up about the real shit: like the fact that they’re gay but no one at their college knows it, like the fact that everyone views them as untouchable—that they feel like screaming because they feel so fucking unseen . Like the fact that they’re a little bit in love with me, but I’m not really sure in what way they mean.

“What do you want?” I ask Aaron eventually.

“What can you offer me?”

A quick death and a short funeral. “There’s…the Vixens are having a dorm party this Friday. You could come.”

Aaron shakes his head. “Friday is Eden’s.”

“Skip it.”

He scoffs. “Andrew would never allow that.” 

Ah, Andrew, the surprisingly more tolerable Minyard twin. Currently, at least. Ever since I stopped wearing my contacts and opened up to the team about my parents’ death, he’s stopped pointing knives at me in the locker room. I would not call us friends.

“Then bring him,” I suggest. “Bring Nicky, bring Kevin. Make it a thing.”

“It wouldn’t replace Eden’s—”

“Then I don’t know what to suggest, Aaron!” I throw my hands up, exasperated. “Maybe stop being a pussy.”

As I hurry out of the library, I pull my phone out and shoot Doe a quick message.

Abram_Exy: Kill me, please. This day is already shit. 

Direct message from DilDoe: can’t

Abram_Exy: Why not?

DilDoe is typing…

Direct message from DilDoe: i’d miss u

I pause, fingers over the keypad. I have no idea how to respond to that. Doe doesn’t normally…say that kind of stuff to me. 

Abram_Exy: You’d miss me??

Direct message from DilDoe: shut up

Abram_Exy: No, please expand!

Direct message from DilDoe: i hate u

Abram_Exy: But you’d miss me.

I wait a few more minutes, lingering outside of the library. But it’s clear that that’s all I’m getting for now, so when Kevin pushes through the door with a disgruntled huff, I fall in step next to him and we head off to the court.

Abram_Exy: If you were an ice cream flavour…

Direct message from DilDoe: oh god where is this going

Abram_Exy: Which flavour would you be?

Direct message from DilDoe: pass. that’s way too basic of a question. try again abram

Abram_Exy: Okay, fine. If you were a piece of Exy equipment…

Direct message from DilDoe: ABSOLUTELY NOT

Abram_Exy: But you like Exy!

Direct message from DilDoe: i watch exy that doesn’t mean i like it

Abram_Exy: Why do you watch it, then?

Direct message from DilDoe: so that i can tell exy brains on the internet that they’re idiots 

Abram_Exy: Like me :))

Direct message from DilDoe: like u

Abram_Exy: Any other Exy brains you’re talking to currently?

Direct message from DilDoe: there’s only u abram

I read the message again, cheeks heating.

There’s only you, Abram.

“Neil.” Kevin taps his racket against my knee. “Come on, let’s go.”

I nod and fasten my helmet on. After the Aaron incident, I need to let loose a little. Need to crunch down on my adrenaline. And if I happen to accidentally smack into Minyard one too many times on the court?

Who can blame me?

Abram_Exy: I am a sweaty mess. Say something to cool me down.

Direct message from DilDoe: do u know what a damselfly is

Abram_Exy: Is it the love interest of a princefly?

Direct message from DilDoe: very funny

no

Abram_Exy: Tell me.

Direct message from DilDoe: they’re like smaller versions of dragonflies, but they have straight wings along their backs. they mate on the water and their tails form a heart

Abram_Exy: Cute! Do you know a lot about bugs?

Direct message from DilDoe: i know a lot about everything

Abram_Exy: Cocky. Okay, tell me another fact.

Direct message from DilDoe: fact: u r annoying

Abram_Exy: Not a fact.

Direct message from DilDoe: it is tho

Abram_Exy: I’m gonna go shower.

Direct message from DilDoe: u do that

what do u know about geese

I’m just stepping out of the shower when Aaron Minyard intercepts me. “Are we still on for the cheer party on Friday?”

“Are you still blackmailing me?”

He doesn’t answer, which I take as a resounding yes .

“Just wear something nice and try not to be a creep,” I say, pushing past him to get to my locker.

“Neil,” he calls over to me. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me for this, Aaron,” I warn. “I feel fucking disgusting about it, actually.”

Aaron, at least, has the decency to look guilty.

Abram_Exy: How well do you know constellations?

Direct message from DilDoe: well isn’t this an exciting conversation starter

personally or sexually

Abram_Exy: Har har.

Doe and I never really talk about sex—never really talk about romance outside of the occasional joke flirting—because for all I know they could be a lesbian. I casually dodge the topic.

Abram_Exy: You seem the type to know a lot about the stars.

Direct message from DilDoe: r u calling me gay

Abram_Exy: Yes.

DilDoe is typing…

Direct message from DilDoe: i know some constellations

Abram_Exy: Tell them to me.

Direct message from DilDoe: no

r u looking at the sky right now

Abram_Exy: Yes

I’m led on a grassy patch outside of Fox Tower, catching my breath after a long run around campus. The sky is littered with stars.

Direct message from DilDoe: let me look up the sky in palmetto rn

Abram_Exy: Thank you.

“You invited Aaron to a dorm party.”

I pause midway through tying my shoelaces. When I look up, Andrew Minyard’s expression is blank, but his arms are tightly crossed.

“Yeah,” I say.

“Why?”

“I invited all of you,” I counter, turning to fully face him. “You, Nicky, Kevin—”

“Friday night is Eden’s night.”

“Do you have a hard-on for routine? Or are you just allergic to fun?”

Andrew sucks on his teeth. “What will you give me if I go?”

I actually laugh—the audacity of this man. “A good time?”

He looks me up and down slowly. “Pass.”

“Well, what do you want?”

Andrew considers this. His normal answer to this, the scant few times Kevin has dared to ask it, is nothing . He doesn’t say that now, however. “You’ll owe me a favour.”

“This cannot end well.”

“Take it or leave it, Josten.”

“You’ll come,” I say. “And you’ll drink. And you’ll dance. And you’ll have fun, Andrew.”

“I’ll come.” He holds up a finger. “I will drink, if I feel like it.” A second finger. “I will not dance.” When he gets to the third finger, he turns it round to flip me off.

I flick him a smirk. “But you’ll have fun.”

“I doubt it,” he says, leaving me to finish tying my laces.

Abram_Exy: Did you watch the most recent Foxes game?

Direct message from DilDoe: junkie. yes

Abram_Exy: And???

Direct message from DilDoe: kevin day is a tool

i hope he gets thrown in a bin again

Abram_Exy: Keep an eye on the PSU Insta.

Direct message from DilDoe: gjdjdjdkskks

the insta said that neil josten is apparently romancing one of the cheerleaders from the vixens

Abram_Exy: NO WAY!

I click out of Twitter to check the PSU Insta and, sure enough, there’s a picture of me and Katelyn. I’m picking her up by the waist and spinning her around, post-game. Aaron must’ve been absolutely furious when it was posted.

Abram_Exy: They’re definitely not dating, Doe.

Direct message from DilDoe: u can’t possibly know that

I take a deep breath and tell a half-truth.

Abram_Exy: I do because I’m actually on the cheer squad.

Direct message from DilDoe: well well well

isn’t that an interesting little morsel of truth

Abram_Exy: I didn’t wanna do anything to give my identity away but, yeah. I’m a Vixen.

Direct message from DilDoe: and here i thought u just had a hard on for exy

Abram_Exy: I do. I get to see it close-up.

Direct message from DilDoe: touché

I pocket my phone and head for Aaron’s dorm. Kevin, Nicky, and him are fighting for a seat; they have the two blue beanbags pushed together and are attempting to fit the three of them on them. A movie flickers over the TV screen opposite.

Andrew Minyard is sat smoking in the windowsill.

“Aaron,” I say. “Can I talk to you outside?”

When we’re in the corridor, with the door closed firmly behind us, he says, “What?”

“Have you seen the PSU Insta?”

“I haven’t posted about your little online friend yet—”

“No.” I pull my phone out and shove it in his hand. “This.”

Aaron’s fair brows shoot up into his hairline. “Dangerous game you’re playing here, Josten.”

“It’s not true. Take it down.”

“I didn’t post it,” he sighs. “But I’ll talk to Marissa. She’s our administrator.”

“Who’s that?”

Aaron blinks at me. “She’s a Vixen, Neil.”

“Oh.”

“God, you’re useless.”

“It has been said.”

Abram_Exy: How many Exy players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Direct message from DilDoe: too fucking many. they’d all be bitching about who the strongest or most efficient is

Abram_Exy: WRONG! They can’t change a lightbulb. They’re too short!

Direct message from DilDoe: that is factually incorrect

Abram_Exy: Some of them are very short.

Direct message from DilDoe: not all of them

Abram_Exy: Touché.

Hi.

Direct message from DilDoe: hi?

Abram_Exy: I just like talking to you. Hi.

Direct message from DilDoe: ur an idiot

Abram_Exy: But I’m YOUR idiot.

Direct message from DilDoe: yea yea

It’s Friday morning, the day of the cheer party. I corner Katelyn after practice by the water fountain.

“Neil?” She smiles up at me.

“Hey, Katelyn.” I try to sound casual, try to lean against the fountain. I slip and my whole face falls into the stream. “Shit!”

“Neil!” She bursts into laughter. “Are you…are you okay?”

I look up at her, dripping wet. “Yes. The party tonight.”

“It’s in Andrea’s dorm,” she reminds me, smirking at the way my hair has become my own personal raincloud. “Are you actually coming to this one?”

“Yeah,” I say casually. An attempt at casual. I slip again, but manage to catch myself on the wall. “Um, I was wondering if I could bring some friends.”

Her eyes light up. “Yes! Neil, Yes.”

“Aaron Minyard is pretty shy,” I lie around the lump in my throat. “Would you mind…keeping an eye on him at the party? He has a tendency to disappear into dark corners.”

Katelyn nods enthusiastically. “I will make him feel aggressively welcome.”

“Thank you,” I breathe, feeling like an actual ball of shit.

Abram_Exy: I have to socialise, Doe. Wish me luck!

Direct message from DilDoe: luck

Abram_Exy: Thanks. I feel so supported.

Direct message from DilDoe: unluck

Abram_Exy: :(((

“Neil, put your phone away,” Nicky mutters, and I roll my eyes but oblige.

“Andrew’s on his phone, too,” I point out after a moment.

“Andrew doesn’t know how to have fun,” Nicky reminds me.

“If we’re not going to Eden’s, we should really use the time to get in some extra practice—”

“Shut up, Kevin,” Andrew and I say in unison. 

I’m not exactly close with my fellow Vixens—I can’t actually go to games with them, seeing as I’m part of the team they’re cheering for—but we get on well enough in practices for me to not feel entirely out of place at this party. One of the girls (Marina?) sidles up next to me and hands me a beer. I don’t take a sip.

“Neil,” she says, grinning at me. I grin back, cause I’m a friendly guy. “I’m so glad you’re here, actually!"

“Are you?” Kevin asks over my shoulder. “I’m not.”

I ignore him. “I’m just here for the drinks.” When I hold up my cup, bring it to my lips, and pretend to take a loud sip, there’s a soft sound to my left. I’m pretty sure Andrew just exhaled through his nose.

“Um,” the girl (Miranda?) continues, “so, like, we don’t get to speak a lot in practice.”

“You’re in the middle of the pyramid.” I shrug. “I’m at the bottom.”

“Because you’re strong,” she says.

“Not really.” I move the untouched beer from one hand to another. “I think Andrea thought that if she put me on the top, everyone would be staring at my ass.”

The girl’s mouth falls open, and this time I’m absolutely positive that Andrew makes a noise. I level him with a glare, and he casually takes my beer.

“That’s Neil’s,” the girl says.

“Neil doesn’t drink.”

She crosses her arms. “What are you, his mother?”

Andrew shrugs. When he takes a sip, his eyes meet mine over the rim of the cup.

“Yes, he’s my mother,” I tell the girl, who I actually think might be called Marissa. She turns around with a little huff and saunters back over to her friends.

“Oh, Neil,” Nicky says, leaning against me. I quickly shove him off. “You are absolutely hopeless when it comes to dating.”

“I don’t want to date her,” I say.

Nicky clicks his fingers at me. “Because you’re gay!”

“Don’t you know, Nicky?” Andrew says, taking another languid sip. “Neil is Exy-sexual.”

“Are you sure you’re not talking about Kevin?” I retort, because this line of conversation is making me deeply uncomfortable; I’ve stated a hundred fucking times over the last year or so the fact that I don’t swing, but the Foxes can’t seem to keep their noses from poking into my private life regardless. They’d have a field day if they found out about Doe.

But Doe is different—Doe isn’t really real, really. I try to imagine what it would be like kissing them if they were, but I can’t seem to conjure a face up that isn’t just a formless blob.

“Where’s Aaron?” Nicky asks after a beat, and Kevin simply points. Aaron Minyard, the little fucker, is currently attempting to flex in front of a very confused Katelyn.

“I think he’s showing off his muscles,” Kevin says slowly.

“Can he show what he doesn’t have?” I ask, earning an eyebrow raise from Andrew. And that feels like a win in itself; Andrew rarely lets his mask of blankness crack.

Eventually, Nicky heads over to rescue his cousin from further embarrassment, Kevin ends up in a rousing game of beer pong that he takes far too seriously, and I’m left feeling a little self-conscious next to a silent Andrew.

“Some party,” he says, and I excuse myself to head to the bathroom.

Once I’ve locked the door, I immediately pull my phone out.

Abram_Exy: Save me from the horrifying reality of college parties.

Doe doesn’t reply instantly, but it’s a Friday night and they’re probably at their own get-together.

As if in response to my spiralling, my phone pings.

Direct message from DilDoe: amusing coincidence. i’m trapped at a similar shit-fest

Abram_Exy: See, this is why you should just transfer to PSU. You would get to see Kevin Day in a trash can every day!

Direct message from DilDoe: r u the one pushing him in

Abram_Exy: …Maybe.

There is something unspoken between us, and that’s the fact that—if they wanted to—Doe could probably figure out who I am. They know which school I go to, and now they know I’m a Vixen. I’m kind of praying that they never find out I’m a Fox, too.

There’s another thing: Doe and I have never really stated our genders, but I hope they’re a boy. Because they’re gay, and I’m a boy, so if they’re not…well, it doesn’t matter anyway, and I should stop fantasising about a stranger from the internet.

Abram_Exy: How many Exy players would it take to save me from this party?

Direct message from DilDoe: depends

Abram_Exy: On what?

Direct message from DilDoe: if u qualify being dragged onto a court as saving

Abram_Exy: I do. But you clearly don’t. Why do you follow collegiate Exy if you have no desire to play it?

Direct message from DilDoe: why do moths fly into fire

Abram_Exy: I’m not sure they do.

Direct message from DilDoe: light, then

it burns all the same

Abram_Exy: Poetic.

Direct message from DilDoe: r u still avoiding that party

Abram_Exy: I’m hiding in the bathroom.

Direct message from DilDoe: r u wearing a decent outfit at least

Abram_Exy: I’m positively a snack, Doe. Every girl here wants a gigantic piece of me, apparently.

DilDoe is typing…

Direct message from DilDoe: just the girls?

Abram_Exy: I’m very much not interested in them.

DilDoe is typing…

Direct message from DilDoe: wat would u do

if i came to visit

I’m so shocked that I drop my phone into the toilet.

“Can I borrow your phone?” I ask Andrew the second he turns to look at me. When he doesn’t respond, I continue, “I dropped mine in the toilet.”

“You never fail to impress, Josten.”

“Please?”

“I don’t like that word.”

“Then I won’t say it again.”

Andrew considers me for a moment, then pulls his phone out of the pocket of his jeans. They’re black, oversized, and rolled up to accommodate his heavy Doc Martens. He’s wearing a fishnet crop top, and I probably should have let Andrew dress me tonight instead of Nicky; he looks good.

As I’m about to take his phone, he snatches it back, saying, “What will you give me for it?”

“Is two favours ridiculous?”

“Two more, or two in total?”

“Whatever you want.”

“Two more,” he decides, handing the phone over. “You now owe me three favours, Josten.”

“We have the same phone,” I say stupidly, because duh —Andrew bought me my phone. This is also the exact reason Aaron confused them the other day, essentially getting me into this mess.

I’m about to pull open Twitter when Andrew notices what I’m doing and snatches his phone back.

I scowl at him. “What the fuck?!”

“I’ve changed my mind.”

“How is that fair?”

Andrew’s eyes narrow. “Who said I was playing fair, Josten?”

“Fine!” I cross my arms. “I’ll borrow Nicky’s phone.”

“You go do that.”

“I only owe you one favour, now.”

“I can count, Neil.”

As it turns out, Nicky is more than happy to pass his phone over. It takes a moment to download the Twitter App, and another for me to type in my details.

There’s a message from Doe waiting for me.

Direct message from DilDoe: did u die

Abram_Exy: I’M SO SORRY!! I dropped my phone in the toilet! Can you believe that?

DilDoe is typing…

But nothing comes through.

A minute passes.

DilDoe is typing…

Abram_Exy: Did you forget how to spell?

DilDoe is typing…

Another minute passes.

Direct message from DilDoe: ah

Abram_Exy: Seriously???? You left me hanging for like five minutes for ‘ah’???!!!!

Direct message from DilDoe: sorry i need to go

So I hand Nicky back his phone, after carefully logging out of my account. Andrew fucked off at some point, and Kevin is throwing up into a plant pot. I decide to call it a night and jog around the campus, a knot of discomfort lodging itself firmly in the bottom of my stomach.

I borrow Matt’s phone for an hour.

Doe doesn’t answer me that night, so I busy myself by scrolling on the PSU Insta. The photo of me and Katelyn has been taken down now (hallelujah), but has been replaced with a fairly intoxicated one of Kevin Day. I laugh, screenshot it, and send it to Doe.

No reply.

“Coffee?” Matt hangs in the doorway of our room sporting a shit-eating grin. One of Dan’s shirts is stretched over his biceps, and it’s totally a crop top on him.

“Ugh.” I groan and roll over. It’s too early to face the day right now, especially when I couldn’t sleep last night because I was too worried wondering about how I was going to replace my fucking phone. When my parents were killed, I was left with a lump sum, but it’s all deposited in an offshore account my Uncle Stuart owns, and I don’t really feel like calling him for a transfer right now.

“I’m just saying”, Matt continues, “you should probably accept the coffee; someone’s at the door.”

I sit up. For a blinding second, I think it’s Doe. I stumble, shirtless, into the communal living area. Andrew Minyard is rocking back and forth on his heels.

“Hi?” I say.

“Neil. We’re going to the mall.”

“Huh. Why?”

Andrew’s face is a perfect mask of blankness, but there’s a twitch in his left eyebrow. “Phone.”

“Right.” I forgot that I’d told Andrew about my unfortunate toilet incident. “Uh, okay, yeah.”

Andrew crosses his arms. “You should put a shirt on.”

“Yes.” It’s like I’m noticing my bare chest for the first time, and I feel a flush creep up my neck. “Um, wait here.”

He offers me a lazy salute, and I quickly throw on a hoodie that I’d left on the floor of my bedroom.

We head down to his car in silence, but when I make my way towards the passenger side, Andrew grabs the back of my hoodie.

“You’re driving,” he says, pressing the keys into my hand.

I blink at him. “Why?”

Andrew shrugs. “I drank last night.”

“ Barely .”

“I drank a lot after you left.”

“Oh,” I say and unlock the car.

“You have a lot of scars,” is the first thing Andrew says when I peel out of the car park.

I keep my eyes on the road. “Yep.”

“I’ve never seen you without a shirt on before.”

“I don’t change in front of people.”

Andrew clicks his tongue. “I can see why.” I must grimace at that, because I can hear the shift of his body weight as he turns to look at me. “You look fine.”

I bark out a laugh. “Thanks, Andrew. That’s what every guy wants to hear about his shirtless body.”

“Did you want me to compliment you?”

I consider this for a beat too long. “No.”

And that’s all we say until we park. Andrew already has a cigarette lit for me by the time I step out of the car, and I mumble a quick, “Thanks.”

Inside, he guides me towards an AT&T and makes a grand gesture that I’m pretty sure means: choose .

“Uh, Andrew,” I say, scratching the back of my neck. “I don’t really have a lot of money on me right now, so I’ll probably just get a—”

“When have I ever asked you to pay for anything?”

This is true, but that was back when Andrew’s lot thought I was a broke runaway. He knows I don’t need charity, now.

When I don’t move, Andrew rolls his eyes. “Pick a phone, Josten.”

“I guess I’ll get the same as last time,” I suggest. “It was funny that we were matching.”

“Funny,” he says slowly, gaze raking over me.

The first thing I do after Andrew pays for my phone is download Twitter. I log in quickly whilst he eats a doughnut, perched on the lip of the fountain.

Abram_Exy: Hi.

I don't expect Doe to reply instantly, and they don’t.

I don’t realise that I’m tapping the back of my phone until Andrew stills my hand with a quick squeeze to my wrist. “What are you so impatient about?”

“I’m waiting on a message,” I bite back, because I’m too on edge to lie right now.

Andrew raises an eyebrow, pops the rest of his doughnut into his mouth, and pulls out his phone. 

A second later, mine pings.

New text from Unknown Number: here’s ur message

I look up at him, incredulous. “Did you just text me?”

Andrew shrugs, pocketing his phone.

I hum and add his number as a new contact before replying.

You: Thanks.

“Hey,” I say softly. “I think you’ve got a message.”

Andrew turns to me languidly. “Do I?”

“I’d bet my life on it.”

“I think you’ve done that enough, Neil.”

I try and repress my snort, but the sound escapes through the edges of my teeth.

We’re about to leave for the car when Andrew notices his boot lace has come undone. When he leans down to fix it, he’s close enough that the smell of cinnamon sugar assaults me.

“Oh god,” I say. “I want a doughnut now.”

“Then go buy one.”

“What happened to ‘you don’t have to buy anything’?”

When Andrew doesn’t reply, I huff and trot off towards the doughnut shop. I’m there less than a minute when my phone pings again, but this isn’t a text.

Direct message from DilDoe: hello idiot

I grin at my phone.

Abram_Exy: Did you die?

Direct message from DilDoe: shut up. kevin day looks stupid

I smile at the message, and at the screenshot of drunk Kevin I’d sent using Matt’s phone. I’d carefully logged out of my Twitter before giving it back, a little bit paranoid about anyone else finding out about Doe.

Abram_Exy: He always does.

Direct message from DilDoe: tru

u never answered me before btw

I’m about to ask what Doe means, but they quickly supply an answer.

Direct message from DilDoe: if i came to visit wat would u do

I think about it for a second—pay for my doughnut, walk back towards the fountain—before sending off my response.

Abram_Exy: Well, that depends.

Direct message from DilDoe: on wat

Abram_Exy: If you’re a girl or a boy. Or neither, I guess.

If you were a girl, I’d probably hug you and then introduce you to my friend Renee because she’s also a lesbian and I think you’d get on well.

Direct message from DilDoe: right

Abram_Exy: But if you were a boy…

Direct message from DilDoe: uh huh

I round the corner and the fountain comes into view. Andrew has his nose inches away from his own phone, and I’m kind of glad; I don’t want him to see how hard I’m blushing right now.

Abram_Exy: I’d probably fuck you.

I fully close my phone and redirect all my attention onto my doughnut. It isn’t until I’m standing in front of Andrew that I realise I’ve just inexplicably told Doe I’m a boy, meaning the few people I could be at PSU has just dwindled.

Fuck.

Andrew shoves his phone into his pocket, meeting my eyes. “We’re not leaving yet.”

“Huh?”

“You’re coming to Eden’s tonight.”

I think back to the last time Andrew dragged me to the club: to the busboy I paid to knock me out, to the hike back to PSU I endured. “Yeah, no thanks.”

“Neil.”

I tilt my head to the side and sigh. “What?”

“You owe me a favour.”

Crap. I do. “And you’re going to waste it on this?”

Andrew doesn’t respond—not with his words, at least. He just rises silently and walks off towards one of the clothing stores. I trail behind him, wordlessly, and don’t speak again until he holds out a sleek black bodysuit towards me.

“I can’t wear this,” I say.

“Why not?”

“Andrew, it’s so…” It’s revealing, is what it is. The neckline is high, sure, but it cuts off abruptly at the shoulders, and the shape of the lower half is so… severe that the sides of my waist would be completely exposed all the way up to the bottom of my ribcage.

“It will look good,” he says, marching towards the trouser section. There, he pulls a pair of black cargos off the rack. They’re the same ones he was wearing to the cheer party.

I smirk. “You want us to match?”

“You were staring. You liked them.” And I can’t argue with that.

Andrew pays for the items quickly, despite my futile objections, and orders me to drive back to Fox Tower. When we arrive, he clicks his fingers at me to follow. I do.

“Try them on,” he says, holding the bag of clothes out towards me once we’re in his dorm. It’s empty, bar us—Nicky must’ve dragged the others out to watch a movie or something.

“Don’t you normally do Eden’s on Friday ?”

“Yes, but someone forced us to attend a rather boring dorm party.”

I scoff. “You could’ve tried to have fun.”

Andrew leans against the door of his bedroom and quirks an eyebrow at me. “What would you have suggested, Neil?”

I shrug. “You could’ve danced with someone. I’m pretty sure Allison’s still single, right?”

“You wanted me to dance with Allison?”

“Well…” I trail off, not really knowing what to say to that. “You guys are always flirting, right?”

“ Flirting ?”

“Aren’t you?”

“ Fighting , Neil.” Andrew crosses his arms, and his shoulder sinks further against the doorway. “Sometimes you really are thick.”

I level him with a stare, before shaking the shopping bag at him. “I’m not going to change in front of you.”

Andrew clicks his tongue. “I’ve already seen your scars.”

“That’s not—” I sigh, pointing the bag towards the door. “Go. I’ll call you when I’m done.”

He slips out without another word, and I take my sweet time tugging off my own clothes and slipping into the new outfit Andrew bought me. It’s snug, and the line of my waist is completely exposed at the sides. So are my hips, until I tug the cargo trousers on. I turn around to face the full-length mirror and the sight is…startling. All this black makes my skin look positively golden, and my hair is a tumble of fire; I push the curls back, and my eyes look huge. They’re too blue.

Before calling Andrew back in, I snap a quick photo and message it to Doe. Their reply is instant.

Direct message from DilDoe: i think i just came in my pants 

I stare at the words, unsure of what to reply. 

Direct message from DilDoe: i’m a guy, btw

Abram_Exy: Me too.

Direct message from DilDoe: yeah i know 

I did make that pretty obvious—both by my previous messages and the photo I’ve just sent. My face isn’t in it, but the lines of my body are masculine enough to give it away.

I swallow hard, unable to think a single coherent thought. Instead of continuing this dangerous conversation, I clear my throat and call, “I’m done.”

It takes a moment for the door to open, and when Andrew steps in his jaw is clenched tightly.

“Are you okay?” I ask, and he just grunts. “Um. So…what do you think? Good enough for Eden’s?”

“You need shoes,” he replies quickly. “What size are you?”

It’s embarrassing; my feet are tiny. “Uh…five.”

“Snap,” he replies and moves past me to get to his wardrobe. Our shoulders brush momentarily, and every hair along my bare arms raises. When Andrew turns back around, he’s holding out a chunky pair of platform boots. “Here.”

I accept the boots with a smile. “You make me look way cooler than I am.”

“An easy feat.”

I simply hum in response and slip the boots on.

Andrew clicks at me. “Let’s go.”

“But…” But it’s barely the afternoon, and they normally don’t leave for Sweetie’s until 7pm. 

“Not out,” Andrew clarifies. “We need to pick up Kevin. He went out to some fancy Exy store this morning.”

“You don’t need me to tag along.”

“I need you to drive.” Andrew pokes my chest. “I’m still over the limit, probably.”

It isn’t until we’re on the highway—until I’ve swapped my party outfit for running shorts and a hoodie, until the comfortable silence between us has dragged on for half an hour—that something clicks. “How did Kevin get to this place?”

Andrew shrugs.

“You dropped him off, didn’t you?”

I’m aware that he turns to look at me, but my eyes are fixed on the road. “Does it matter?”

“I just don’t understand why you’re letting me drive if you don’t have to.”

“You don’t understand a lot, Neil,” he replies, popping his feet up on the dashboard.

When we pull into the car park, Andrew hops out alone. He’s gone for a few minutes, so I take the opportunity to open up my Twitter DMs again. Doe hasn’t sent anything else, and I’m feeling a little brave; I take a quick photo of my thighs. You can see the hem of my shorts, the curve of my flexed calves. When I hit send, I’m shaking.

DilDoe is typing…

Direct message from DilDoe: r u trying to kill me

Abram_Exy: Maybe.

Direct message from DilDoe: seriously abram. i need to see those shorts on my bedroom floor

I flush indecently. Somehow, over the last day, my conversations with Doe have taken a rather…unexpected turn. It’s not like we’ve never flirted before, it’s just always been…teasing. Light. I knew they liked one gender, I just didn’t know if it was mine. Now that it’s obvious we’re both guys, it seems Doe is hell-bent on undoing me.

I squeeze my thighs together.

Abram_Exy: If you visit, maybe I’ll wear them.

DilDoe is typing…

Direct message from DilDoe: if i visit i’ll tear them off with my teeth

Everything flashes hot, and I have to put the phone down. It’s a good call, because a moment later, Andrew is trailing back to the car with Kevin in tow.

I start the engine without meeting either of their eyes.

Abram_Exy: Bored.

Direct message from DilDoe: hello bored i’m doe

Abram_Exy: Entertain me!! I’m waiting on this asshole to get ready and I am BORED.

Direct message from DilDoe: r u going out tonite

Abram_Exy: Yeah.

Direct message from DilDoe: two nights in a row. damn abram

Abram_Exy: What can I say, I’m hot shit.

Direct message from DilDoe: don’t kiss anyone

Abram_Exy: Why not?

Direct message from DilDoe: jealous

Abram_Exy: Yeah, right.

Seriously?

Direct message from DilDoe: i’m kidding u can do what u want

Abram_Exy: Why don’t I believe you?

Direct message from DilDoe: bc ur an idiot

Abram_Exy: But I’m your idiot ;)

Direct message from DilDoe: blocked

Abram_Exy: :((

DilDoe is typing…

Direct message from DilDoe: go have fun u idiot

Abram_Exy: :))

Until we’re at Eden’s—until he’s lowering himself into the seat opposite mine at Andrew’s usual table—I’d sort of forgotten Aaron Minyard existed. It’s only the two of us here; Kevin went to help Andrew with the drinks, and Nicky has already fled to the dance floor.

I groan. “What do you want , Aaron?”

“Katelyn,” he says plainly.

“You spoke to her at the party,” I reply. “I gave you what you wanted.”

“It didn’t exactly,” Aaron tilts his palm from side-to-side, “go well.”

“That’s not my problem.”

“It is, though.” I know what Aaron is implying; the threat isn’t subtle.

“Ugh.” I shoot him a venomous look. “What do you expect me to do?”

“We have an away game next week,” he reminds me. “The Foxes, the Vixens…”

“You want me to, what? Set something up?”

“Little party in your hotel room, maybe.”

I scoff. “Wymack would never allow it.”

“Then distract him, Josten.” Aaron reaches across the table and takes the shot Andrew placed in front of me when we arrived. I haven’t touched it. “Figure it out.” He downs the shot and hops to his feet, disappearing into the throng of dancers.

I immediately pull my phone out.

Abram_Exy: What’s the charge for murder?

Direct message from DilDoe: $10 and u have to buy me dinner first

I snort.

Abram_Exy: I’m talking about prison, Doe.

Direct message from DilDoe: who r u planning on killing

Abram_Exy: Doesn’t matter. I’m just having a terrible time.

I tap my fingers against the back of my phone, an idea forming.

Abram_Exy: Would you want to play a game with me?

Direct message from DilDoe: does it involve u taking off ur clothes

I read the message again, swallowing hard.

Abram_Exy: Not yet.

DilDoe is typing…

Direct message from DilDoe: go on then

Abram_Exy: Okay. So you’re really into Exy.

Direct message from DilDoe: i’m not really into exy

Abram_Exy: Shut up. You’re really into Exy, and I’m on the cheer team for the Foxes.

Direct message from DilDoe: do i get to see u in a little skirt

Abram_Exy: Maybe. But you know all the Foxes, right? I mean, you knew Kevin Day and Neil Josten.

Direct message from DilDoe: i’ve watched their games a few times

Abram_Exy: Rank them. All of them.

Direct message from DilDoe: by…ability?

Abram_Exy: By fuckability.

A minute passes, and my eyes are glued to my screen. But then Kevin and Andrew return with the drinks tray, and I find myself shoving my phone into my pocket, face hot.

“You drank your shot,” Andrew says flatly.

“Aaron stole it.”

He shakes his head. “Hm. Kevin, go find the others.”

Kevin looks at him, pouting. “Why me?”

“Because I told you to.”

It’s a ridiculous argument, but it apparently works. Suddenly, it’s just Andrew and me sat at the table. I’m worried he’s going to talk to me, but he thankfully just rocks back in his chair and pulls his own phone out.

I do the same.

Abram_Exy: If that’s okay, I mean.

Direct message from DilDoe: sure

neil josten

matt boyd

kevin day

seth gordon

I stare at the message, mouth going dry.

Abram_Exy: And the others?

Direct message from DilDoe: that’s ur lot

Abram_Exy: What about the girls?

Direct message from DilDoe: i’m gay

Abram_Exy: Okay. Then Nicky? And the Minyard twins?

Direct message from DilDoe: wouldn’t fuck them

Abram_Exy: Why not? Andrew is objectively beautiful.

I don’t know why I say it, but for a second I feel incredibly self conscious, as if the actual Andrew Minyard across from me can see through my phone screen. But he’s enamoured with his own phone—a singular blonde brow raises, the ghost of a smile playing at the edge of his lips.

Direct message from DilDoe: wat about ur ranking

I think for a moment.

Abram_Exy: Okay.

Andrew Minyard, obviously. I mean he’s so pretty some of the Vixens literally mistook him for a girl when they first saw him. Like, he’s delicate and petite and you could just wrap your hands around his waist, but also like he’s so strong. The way he defends the goals is…yeah.

Um. Next would be Matt Boyd, probably. He’s objectively attractive and nice.

I guess Kevin Day next, although that makes me want to throw up a little. He’s tall, he’s good at Exy. He’s annoying as fuck.

Maybe Nicky Hemmick next? He’s…I don’t know, fun?

Seth Gordon is annoying but he’s better than Aaron Minyard.

Aaron Minyard.

Neil Josten.

Direct message from DilDoe: why tf is neil josten at the bottom of ur list

Abram_Exy: He’s not my type.

Direct message from DilDoe: he’s everyone’s type. give me five minutes with neil josten and i’d make him cum so hard he’d see a whole new spectrum of colours

I squeeze my legs together, blinking down at the message. Suddenly, my throat is too dry, and I reach forward to grab my drink. It’s not till I take a large gulp that I realise there’s alcohol in it.

“That’s my drink,” Andrew says.

I meet his eyes. “Oh. Sorry.”

He shrugs, returning to his phone.

Mine pings with a new message.

Direct message from DilDoe: aaron and andrew look the same. why r they ranked so differently

Abram_Exy: Because Aaron is an asshole.

Direct message from DilDoe: and andrew isn’t??

Abram_Exy: Andrew is…interesting. I like him.

Something must be particularly funny on Andrew’s phone screen, because he exhales sharply through his nose.

Direct message from DilDoe: sounds like u have a crush

Abram_Exy: Jealous?

Direct message from DilDoe: of u wanting to fuck andrew minyard? nah. only if u let me fuck neil josten

I roll my eyes.

Abram_Exy: Neil Josten really isn’t all that, Doe. But I can introduce you to him if you visit.

Direct message from DilDoe: deal. when

“Uh…”

Andrew’s foot taps against mine. “Upsetting email, Neil?”

“Uh…” I slip my phone into my pocket, unable to process this right now. “I want to dance.”

Andrew raises an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Come?”

He actually considers this, before settling on the obvious, “No. I’m gonna go smoke.”

“Okay, let’s do that.”

“I didn’t invite you.”

I hop to my feet. “I’m inviting myself. Let’s go.”

Andrew lights a cigarette and hands it to me. He places a second one between his lips, coaxing the cherry, but I’m feeling like a little shit so I take that one, too.

“You can’t have both, Neil.”

I pop his in my mouth, raising an eyebrow. Andrew doesn’t rise to the challenge, instead snatching the one that’s caught between my fingers. Our hands brush momentarily, and a trickle of heat glances up my spine.

A quiet settles over us, until Andrew finally breaks it. “You’re on your phone a lot.”

I shrug. “Talking to a friend.”

“Must be a special friend.”

I nod, and the thought of Doe forms in my mind. He’s not a physical thing—really, I have no idea what he looks like—but an intangible conglomerate of yes . “We met online. It’s nice to have something outside of the Foxes.”

“You have the Vixens,” he reminds me, pointing his cigarette towards my chest.

“Basically the same thing, isn’t it?”

“Normal people would get a girlfriend,” Andrew offers, taking a slow drag. “Or a boyfriend.” He looks at me. “But you don’t swing.”

“Only towards the goal.”

He pauses, cigarette halfway to his lips. “I hate you.”

I’m a little taken aback by this. “Why?”

Andrew leans against the wall of the club, eyes on the sky. “I hate everything about you.”

“Okay. Well, I don’t hate you.”

“No. You think I’m interesting.”

I do, but I didn’t know Andrew knew that. “Apparently, I’m the easiest fucker to read in the world.”

He shrugs.

“Thank you,” I say after a moment. I’m holding my cigarette, but I haven’t even taken a drag yet. I try it and immediately cough. “Holy shit.”

“Take it easy, Neil,” Andrew says, slapping me hard on the back. His hand lingers there—just at the base of my spine. “What for?”

“Huh?”

“You said ‘thank you’. What for?”

“Oh.” I fiddle with the cigarette until Andrew sighs and takes it from me. “For getting me a new phone. It’s been…helpful.”

“For you to talk to your online friend.”

“Yeah.”

“Neil.” Andrew is looking at me far too intensely, and I have no idea what it means.

“Yeah?”

He steps forward, close enough for me to smell the cigarette smoke on his breath. He raises a hand, and it almost reaches my face before he drops it. “Nevermind.”

Abram_Exy: Hey, Doe. How many Exy rackets does it take to change a lightbulb?

Direct message from DilDoe: i’m curious to see ur explanation for this

Abram_Exy: I don’t have one. I just wanted to get your attention.

Direct message from DilDoe: ur an idiot

Abram_Exy: But I’m your idiot.

Direct message from DilDoe: shut up

Abram_Exy: You’re so fond of me it’s embarrassing.

Direct message from DilDoe: i’ll bite u

Abram_Exy: Where?

DilDoe is typing…

Direct message from DilDoe: on the dick

Abram_Exy: Kinky. Go for it.

Direct message from DilDoe: ur a weasel and i hate u

Abram_Exy: I don’t think you do.

Direct message from DilDoe: shut up

Abram_Exy: Make me <3

It’s the morning of the away game—5am. We have half an hour before Kevin runs from door-to-door and begins pulling people out of their beds.

The light from my phone spills across my bunk.

Abram_Exy: So, Doe.

Have you ever been to a Foxes game?

Direct message from DilDoe: u want me to come and see u twirl in ur little outfit 

Abram_Exy: Very funny. There’s a game today.

Direct message from DilDoe: i know

send a pic after

Abram_Exy: Of?

Direct message from DilDoe: sweaty

The only reason I don’t laugh out loud is because I don’t want to wake Matt yet.

Abram_Exy: You want to see a picture of me sweaty?

Direct message from DilDoe: in little shorts preferably

The problem becomes quickly evident: I’m fucking hard.

Abram_Exy: This is a dangerous conversation for someone with a roommate.

Direct message from DilDoe: why

Abram_Exy: I can’t jerk off in here.

DilDoe is typing…

“Wake up, Foxes!” Kevin’s voice booms from the hallway. “Neil Josten, I am talking to you!”

I look back at my phone with a roll of my eyes.

DilDoe is typing…

“Neil!” Kevin bangs on my door.

Abram_Exy: Sorry, I have to go. One of my teammates is being a massive dick.

DilDoe is typing…

Direct message from DilDoe: i think about kissing u all the time

“Neil!”

“Kevin, I swear to fuck,” I growl back. Matt’s shifting on the bunk above me, now.

“Neil,” he mumbles, “would you get the door?”

I storm into the living room and wrench the front door open. “What do you fucking want?”

But it isn’t Kevin. Andrew is stood there, eyes half-lidded and tired-looking. “Morning, sunshine.”

“Hey. What are you doing up already? Isn’t this normally the time you skulk around a graveyard wielding a scythe?”

“Only when there are old ladies,” he replies, “and I say ‘stop holding on. walk into the light’.”

I snort, earning a satisfied exhale from Andrew. “Can you tell Kevin to fuck off?” I say. “I was busy.”

“Sexting that online friend?” I must flush, because Andrew raises an eyebrow. “Really? And here I thought you didn’t swing.”

“Only towards the goal,” I remind him, and he walks off in a huff.

Kevin gives us exactly seven minutes before he’s banging on the door again, demanding that everyone start heading towards the bus. 

As I’m walking, I pull my phone out again.

Abram_Exy: I’ve never really kissed anyone before. I don’t know if I’d like it, but I’m very willing to try with you.

DilDoe is typing…

Direct message from DilDoe: do u even like boys abram

Abram_Exy: I like you. I don’t care what you are, honestly.

Direct message from DilDoe: u’ve never met me

Abram_Exy: I want to.

Direct message from DilDoe: sometimes i hate u

I smile down at my phone.

Abram_Exy: You know, you’re not the first person to say that.

Someone bumps my shoulder on the way to the bus. I look up to see Andrew—he’s watching me. Slowly, he gives me a two-fingered salute. His other hand is clutching his phone hard enough to white his knuckles. 

“You know,” I say to him once we’re on the bus. Andrew is sat by himself in the back row, and I slide into the seat in front. “Maybe you should get an online friend, too. You’re on your phone enough.”

He stares at me blankly.

I lean across the back of my seat, resting my chin on my forearms. “I’m just saying—”

“You think I’m lonely?”

“Maybe? You don’t really talk to the team a lot.”

“I have nothing to say to them.”

“You talk to me, sometimes.”

“Maybe I find you interesting,” Andrew admits. He points to my phone. “What are you and your friend texting about?”

“Um…”

My lack of response only seems to intrigue him further, and soon Andrew is leaning close enough to rest his cheek on my elbow. “What, Neil?”

“We…ranked the Foxes.”

“That’s easy. You’re the best player—”

“Not like that,” I interrupt, and then I think I short-circuit. “You think I’m the best player?”

“Who else?”

“Kevin,” I splutter.

“Kevin is a spoiled child with a stick.”

I find myself smiling at that. “That’s what Doe says.”

“Is that your friend?”

“Mm.”

Led like this, cheek squished, Andrew’s face looks adorably round. The dimple on the other cheek is in full bloom, and his lips are pushed into a pout. “What did you rank us on, then?”

“Uh…fuckability.”

Andrew’s eyes widen only slightly. “Right. Let me guess, you put Kevin first.”

I wrinkle my nose. “Absolutely not.”

“Allison?”

“Nope.”

Andrew’s tongue darts out, slicking across his bottom lip. “Oh god, you didn’t pick yourself, did you Neil? Because narcissism doesn’t suit you—”

“I picked you, actually,” I say, turning away to sit back in my seat. The bus rumbles to life, peeling out of the campus parking.

Andrew’s voice is barely above a whisper behind me. “Why?”

I shrug. “Objectively, you are the most attractive.”

“Objectively, I hate you.”

I smirk into the window, and I can see Andrew watching me in the reflection. “I’ve heard that a lot today.”

Abram_Exy: I am on a bus. I am bored on a bus. I am on a buuuuuuuuusssssss and I’m booooooored.

Direct message from DilDoe: hey abram, are you on a bus by any chance 

Abram_Exy: No.

UGH I hate buses. I'm so bored.

Direct message from DilDoe: let’s play another game 

truth or dare

Abram_Exy: TRUTH!!

Direct message from DilDoe: do u ever think about kissing me

Abram_Exy: I didn’t before. I do now.

Direct message from DilDoe: wat changed

Abram_Exy: I don’t know. How we talk, I guess? The fact that you actually want to come here. The fact that we could meet, that we could kiss.

Direct message from DilDoe: i’m an excellent kisser

Abram_Exy: I bet.

Direct message from DilDoe: i’ll make u melt into the mattress

Abram_Exy: DOE! I’m on a bus.

Direct message from DilDoe: i’ll make u melt into the bus

I snort.

Abram_Exy: THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT! YOU ACTUALLY MADE ME SNORT OUT LOUD. I think Andrew Minyard is glowering at me.

Direct message from DilDoe: why r u on a bus with andrew minyard

Ah, fuck.

Abram_Exy: The Foxes and Vixens travel together now. Budget cuts.

Direct message from DilDoe: how dare the budgets cut

Abram_Exy: It’s okay, he’s not bad company.

Direct message from DilDoe: that’s not what i’ve heard

Abram_Exy: Well, don’t believe everything you hear. Surely the PSU Insta’s taught you that.

Direct message from DilDoe: u mean that kevin didn’t throw up after a night out two weeks ago??

Abram_Exy: No, no, he did. Eden’s. He never knows how to pace himself.

Direct message from DilDoe: we should drink together 

Abram_Exy: I don’t drink.

Direct message from DilDoe: i can think of other things for u to do with ur mouth

Abram_Exy: It’s not changing a lightbulb, is it?

When we arrive at the hotel, Wymack sets about handing everyone keys in pairs.

“Twins,” he says, “I assume you’ll be together.”

“I’m rooming with Neil,” Aaron says quickly, earning an eyebrow raise from everyone except me. I full-out glare at him.

“I…was going to put Neil with Nicky and Kevin,” Wymack replies, the key ring dangling from his fingers.

Andrew steps forward and takes it. “Put him with us. Kevin and Nicky can have the twin room.”

“I should warn you,” Wymack says. “The room of three—it’s a single and a double. Nicky said he was comfortable sharing a bed with Neil.”

“Of course he did,” I say sourly, and Nicky won’t meet my gaze. “I’ll share with the Minyards.”

But it isn’t until we’re in our hotel room, until Aaron chucks his bag down on the single near the door, that I realise a little bit of miscommunication has occurred.

“Um,” I say. “I thought you two would take the double.”

“I don’t share,” Aaron replies, pulling a pair of headphones out of his bag and shoving them in his ears. 

The double bed is around the corner, hidden in an alcove. Andrew flops down onto it, closing his eyes. When I don’t move, he cracks one open. “I don’t bite, Neil.”

“I just…” I’ve never shared a bed with anyone other than my mum.

He shifts over a little, squishing himself into the wall so that there’s a clear expanse of space between us. The bus journey was long, so Wymack has given us a couple of hours until we need to be down for dinner. I was planning on napping

But Andrew and I have our backs to each other on the bed, and I risk a quick look at my phone.

Direct message from DilDoe: i bet ur beautiful

Abram_Exy: Huh?

Direct message from DilDoe: i bet u have the kind of face people would burn cities for. i bet u look like an angel when ur neck is kissed

I try and hide my blush by pressing my face into my pillow, even though Andrew is turned away from me with his own set of chunky headphones placed over his blonde curls.

Abram_Exy: I should warn you, I’m in bed with another man right now.

Direct message from DilDoe: oh?

Abram_Exy: Hotel room. I have to share.

Direct message from DilDoe: i shouldn’t try to make u hard then

Abram_Exy: Maybe wait until I’m in the shower.

Andrew hums behind me, and I briefly wonder what song he’s listening to.

Direct message from DilDoe: it’s a shame. i kinda really wanna make u touch urself rn

Fuck. I bite down hard on my bottom lip.

Abram_Exy: You don’t want to touch me yourself?

Direct message from DilDoe: i wanna flip u onto ur back and undo u one kiss at a time. i wanna slip my hands into ur boxers and bite bruises across ur chest. i wanna push my fingers inside u

I don’t realise that my hand is resting over my crotch until I let out a small moan. I bite my tongue, praying that Andrew didn’t notice. He’s very still behind me.

Abram_Exy: Seriously, Doe, I might cum.

Direct message from DilDoe: i wanna hear it. let me hear it abram

Another small whimper escapes through my lips, and this time Andrew shifts.

“Fuck,” I mutter, and jump off the bed. Once in the bathroom, I slam the bolt home and try not to hyperventilate.

My phone buzzes, but it’s a text.

Andrew: u good?

You: Yep. Just gonna shower.

Andrew: k

The Twitter notification blinks across my screen.

Direct message from DilDoe: r u in the shower yet

I turn on the hot water, just so that the twins can’t hear me.

Abram_Exy: Kind of. I’m alone, now.

Direct message from DilDoe: good

i’m gonna take u apart abram

i’m gonna run my hands down ur body—ur abs and ur thighs. 

god i’m gonna worship ur thighs. i’ll bite the insides, suck the flesh into my mouth. 

i wanna make u cum

My hand works itself to the waistband of my shorts, slips beneath.

Abram_Exy: Fuck. What else?

Direct message from DilDoe: i’ll take u into my mouth. all the way to the bottom. i’ll let u hit the back of my throat, i’ll swallow around u.

u’ll come in my mouth. i’ll moan ur name

I have a fist clenched around myself, working up and down quickly. I let out a small moan, another—before I can think better of it, I record the sounds: the slick pumping of my fist, my broken whines.

I send the audio message to Doe.

Direct message from DilDoe: fucking hell abram. r u touching urself

Abram_Exy: Yes.

Direct message from DilDoe: whimper my name. pls

when u cum, i want my name on ur lips

And it’s so hot, I completely white out.

I wash myself off quickly in the shower and toss myself into bed in nothing but a pair of joggers.

Andrew rolls over to face me with a quizzical brow. “I thought you didn’t like to show your scars.”

I blink softly at him, one arm cradling my head. “You’ve already seen them, and I don’t care about Aaron.”

He exhales. “Neil.”

“Yes?”

“Do you want to—”

There’s a loud knock on the door, obnoxious enough that it can only be Kevin.

Andrew’s jaw sets. “I am going to kill him.”

“Dinner’s in thirty,” Kevin says when Aaron opens the door. “Shower and look nice. All of you.”

A few moments later, after Kevin has departed to harass the rest of the hallway, Aaron looks up from his bag. “I forgot to pack shower gel. Do you have some I can borrow?”

“No,” Andrew says, not even looking up from his phone.

“No,” I say, even though Aaron probably won’t ask me. He sighs and leaves the dorm, claiming that Nicky will be a better sport. “What were you going to say before?” I ask Andrew when we’re alone.

“Nevermind. I’m gonna go shower.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Abram_Exy: We never finished truth or dare on the bus.

Direct message from DilDoe: go away i’m busy

Abram_Exy: :((

DilDoe is typing…

Direct message from DilDoe: idiot <3

Abram_Exy: :))

I’m trying to squeeze some curl mousse into my hair when Andrew comes back, towel slung low around his waist.

“Forget your shirt?” I ask him, and he just steps forward and pushes my face away. I laugh and return to the task at hand.

For a moment, I don’t realise Andrew is studying me. Then he says, “You’re doing that wrong.”

“I am not.”

“It’s all a messy clump. You have to take each section like—just let me do it.”

I look up at him, bewildered. “Do you want to?”

“I don’t want to do anything, I just think that if I have to stand here and watch you desecrate your curls for another moment, then I am going to pull my own eyes out.”

I hand him the mousse wordlessly.

Andrew’s hands hover an inch from my head. “Yes or no?”

“Yes,” I breathe, and his fingers plunge into my hair.

I’m sort of looking up at him from my seat on the bed, eyes mapping out the slightness of his chest, the generous dip of his waist and curve of his hips, the way his teeth worry at his plush bottom lip.

“Staring,” he says, narrowing his eyes at me.

“Sorry.” I’m not. Andrew is a little bit breathtaking. “If you were to rank the team,” I continue, because I’m an idiot, “who would you—?”

“I’m not going to answer that.”

“Why?”

Andrew’s fingers tighten in my hair, tugging a little. A hiss escapes through my teeth, and he instantly lets go.

“No,” I mumble. “No, it felt good.”

“Your hair is done,” Andrew says, turning away to sift through his suitcase.

“Will you dress me?” I ask.

His shoulders raise and fall, and his back is dotted with moles. I almost reach out, almost touch one. But then he turns, and I force my hands into my lap. “Did you not bring your own clothes?”

“I look better in yours.”

He huffs. “I really hate you.”

“Okay, but that doesn’t answer my question.”

“Shut up,” he says, closing the distance between us. Jaw clenched, Andrew presses a single finger to my lips, and my whole body tingles with it. “Better.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

It’s only when Andrew says , “Wear this,” and throws a vague black garment at me that I realise he’s walked away. He’s no longer touching my mouth. Okay.

I unfold the fabric. It’s a crop top with a high neck. “Am I going commando?”

Andrew scoffs, digging a pair of loose denim shorts out of his suitcase. They’re also black, wide-legged, and covered in a variety of silver chains.

“Dunno if these will fit me,” I say, holding the shorts up. “You have the world’s tiniest waist.”

“Says you,” Andrew retorts, and then something passes across his face, like he hadn’t really meant to say it.

“Do I?” I stand up, letting the shorts drop onto the bed. I turn back and forth, pinching the dip of my waist. “It’s kind of hard to see on myself—”

I almost choke on my tongue; Andrew’s hands fit just under my ribcage, one thumb brushing against my bellybutton. “It’s grabable,” is all he says. “Ah.”

I’m about to ask what’s wrong, but then I feel it. I’m fully hard, stretching against the grey fabric of my joggers. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”

He drops my waist. “Why?”

“Because…this is incredibly awkward.”

“Why?”

“Andrew.” I’m basically moaning his name. “This is…fuck, I’m gonna go change.”

Abram_Exy: How to force down a boner?

DilDoe is typing…

Direct message from DilDoe: this is not google

Abram_Exy: I’m in a bit of a situation.

Direct message from DilDoe: i can tell

show me

Abram_Exy: Kinky. 

Okay.

I send a photo of my bulge straining against my boxers.

DilDoe is typing…

Direct message from DilDoe: i would do anything for u

just give me one chance i beg

Abram_Exy: You’re good. You’ve got me

Direct message from DilDoe: good

I was right. The shorts are too small. But it’s fine, because apparently it’s a trend to leave the button undone and allow the waistband of your underwear to poke out. This is what Nicky says, anyway, after stepping into our hotel room and greeting me with a long whistle.

“It’s obscene,” Kevin counters, shaking his head. “Put your joggers back on.”

“No,” Andrew says firmly. He’s wearing a long-sleeved mesh top with cut-outs across his shoulders and a big heart window straight over his chest. Instead of trousers, he’s slung on some faded dungarees with a couple provocative patches stitched onto the back pockets. He looks insanely good. “We’re leaving now. Come on, Neil.”

And like a lap dog, I obey.

When I sit down at the dinner table, Aaron-motherfucking-Minyard claims the seat next to mine. It’s clear he’s planning on tormenting me today, but I simply turn and ignore him. Unfortunately, Andrew chooses to sit on my other side. I’m stuck in a Minyard sandwich.

“You lot are dressed…fancy,” Wymack says, gesturing to us. “You’re not planning on going out, are you? Because we have an early game tomorrow.”

“We’re gonna play boardgames in our room,” I say quickly, and Andrew shoots me a bemused look. “Bit of team bonding.”

Wymack scoffs. “I don’t believe that for a second. Just stay in the hotel, don’t get too drunk or I swear I will kick your asses, and be ready for six tomorrow.”

I give him Andrew’s two-fingered salute, and Wymack just rolls his eyes.

About ten minutes into the dinner, I notice that Andrew hasn’t eaten anything. Sneakily, I pull my phone out and text him under the table.

You: Not hungry?

His phone is next to him, face-up, so it’s obvious when my name flashes across the screen. Andrew gives me a cool look and then snatches his phone up.

Andrew: none of ur business

You: It is if your stomach is going to be rumbling all night. We’re sharing a bed.

Andrew: wat an astute observation neil

You: If you don’t want to eat in front of people, say you’re not feeling well and take it back to our room.

Andrew: i don’t need ur help

I look down at our plates. It’s some fancy chicken thing with puréed vegetables. I’m eating it because I’m hungry and I lost my ability to be picky on the road with my mum. But I’ve never actually seen Andrew eat anything other than take out.

I open up the web browser on my phone and pull up the Dominos website.

You: Fine.

Andrew: good

The conversations drag on across the table, but I tune most of them out. Matt talks about some new indie band he thinks I’ll like, and Allison brings up the opportunity for a group skiing trip. Kevin shudders at the thought.

Once dessert is brought out—a course I decline because too much sugar hurts my teeth—and the evening peters off, I don’t feel too bad slipping my phone out.

Abram_Exy: Hello, sExy.

Andrew pushes his chair back and makes to leave, but Wymack says, “Where are you going, Minyard?”

“I need to piss. Is that okay, coach?”

Wymack grunts in response, and Andrew leaves.

Abram_Exy: You’re probably busy, but I’m feeling needy.

Direct message from DilDoe: want me to take care of that

Abram_Exy: God, yes.

Direct message from DilDoe: have u ever been blown before

Abram_Exy: I’ve never been KISSED before.

Direct message from DilDoe: i’ll make sure u like it. all of it. i wanna worship ur body abram. i wanna make u scream my name

“Are you cold, Neil?” Renee asks from across the table. “You’re shivering.”

I shake my head, unable to make my mouth form words.

“Did someone order a Domino’s?” Matt calls into the hotel room.

Every Fox and Vixen is shoved into the space, and there’s so many of us that a few have even claimed the bathroom as a secondary hangout spot. Aaron is trailing around after Katelyn and her crew, Kevin is desperately trying to swat alcohol out of the Foxes’ hands, and Andrew has curled himself up into a little ball on our bed.

“It’s for an Andrew Minyard,” the pizza delivery guy says, and I watch with a smug smile as Andrew’s head snaps up.

“I’ll take it,” I say, grabbing the pizza box. “Thanks.”

As I walk over to the double bed, Andrew is positively scowling at me. “You bought me pizza.”

“You weren’t eating.”

“I don’t need you to look after me.”

“True,” I hum. “But what if I want to?” I drop the box down onto the bed and begin to walk back into the throng of the party, but Andrew’s hand catches my wrist. He squeezes until I relent, flopping down on the bed next to him.

Slowly, Andrew opens the box and pulls out a slice. It’s plain cheese, his favourite, and he holds the pizza delicately between his hands. I don’t realise what he’s doing until he leans in, and my mouth opens obediently.

I bite down, and it’s hot and salty and good. Andrew’s eyes are on mine, and that’s good, too. He pulls the pizza back and takes a bite himself. My body feels prickly with warmth.

“Thank you,” I say softly, and he just nods.

Aaron catches my eye across the room, and with a long groan I walk over to him.

“Hey, Katelyn,” I say, and she positively beams at me.

“Neil! Hi! You look amazing, by the way.”

I grin down at my shorts—Andrew’s shorts. “Unfortunately, they didn’t quite fit.”

“No, I love it,” she says. “The boxers peaking out is a very hot look right now.”

“That’s what Nicky says, but I don’t know if I believe him.”

“Believe me,” Katelyn replies, and I think I do. We’re not exactly friends, but she’s my teammate, and I think I trust her just a little. “What are you drinking tonight, Neil?”

“Neil doesn’t drink,” Aaron cuts in, voice tight. “Right, Neil?”

“I don’t,” I admit, but Katelyn simply shakes her head.

“That’s alright. We can get you a soda.” Her eyes dart over to where a plethora of cans has been spread across Aaron’s bed. “It’s probably sensible to stay sober the night before a game, anyway. I think I’ll join you.”

Aaron not-so-subtly puts his beer down. “Yeah, totally. Good call, Katelyn.”

“Aaron,” she says, addressing him for the first time since I came over. “Would you mind grabbing them?”

He nods far too enthusiastically and reaches down towards the bed, but Katelyn grabs his shoulder. His whole body stills.

“No, not there. They’re all warm now, probably. No—Marissa put a few cans in the bathtub and filled it with cold water.”

“Right,” Aaron says, and shifts towards the bathroom instead. Once he’s out of sight, Katelyn smiles, grabs my hand, and pulls us out into the corridor.

I let her drag me to the end of the hall and out onto the fire escape, and only when we’re leaning over the cool metal railing do I say, “Any particular reason we’re out here?”

She scrunches her nose up. “Aaron is…um, he’s your friend, isn’t he?”

“I would not say that.”

Katelyn nods sagely. “He’s just…look, I know he likes me. He’s made it very, very obvious. I just…” She drums her fingers along the railing. “I don’t know him, Neil, and he’s coming on really strong. I kinda just wanna hang out with my team this weekend, but he won’t leave me alone.”

“I can tell him to fuck off,” I offer, and then realise that I probably actually can’t do that. Not if I want to protect Doe.

Luckily, Katelyn shakes her head. “I’m a big girl, I’ll deal with him. But thanks, Neil.” Slowly, she lowers her head onto my shoulder. “You’re a good friend.”

Are we friends? Maybe we are. To test the waters, I sling an arm around her shoulder. And that’s when the fire escape door slams open, revealing a very shocked Aaron Minyard.

“Matt…said he saw you come this way,” is all he manages to say.

I quickly untangle myself from Katelyn, but it’s clear Aaron has already jumped to whatever conclusion he wants.

“Oh,” Katelyn replies. “Yeah.”

“So,” Aaron’s voice is dripping with venom, “is this a thing?”

I’m about to protest, but Katelyn says, “Maybe,” for whatever fucking reason.

Aaron promptly spins on his heels and tears off down the corridor, but I’m quick behind him.

“Aaron, wait! It’s literally not what it looks like!”

“I know that, Neil,” he seethes, stopping by our door to round on me. “I know you’re a fucking fag, but she likes you!”

“I’m not—!” I stumble over the words, breathing hard. “Katelyn is my friend.”

“Please. She was all over you. Everything you said, she fucking lit up!”

The door to our hotel room squeaks open. “Can you please stop shouting? I’m trying to enjoy my pizza in peace.”

“There’s a fucking party inside, Andrew,” Aaron spits, “grow up.”

“Maybe you should grow up,” Andrew counters, but his tone is flat and casual. “Josten obviously isn’t getting off with the cheerleader. Accept the rejection for what it is and move on .”

“Don’t fucking tell me what to do!” Aaron jabs a finger into Andrew’s chest, and I don’t know why I move. But my hand is fisted in Aaron’s hair suddenly, and I wrench his head back hard enough that it makes a snapping noise. “Shit! Josten, let go.”

“Say you’re sorry,” I mutter against his ear.

“I’m sorry, okay. It’s not your fault that Katelyn—”

“Not to me, you idiot. To Andrew.”

“Why do you care about Andrew?” Aaron sounds genuinely confused by the concept. “Trust me, he doesn’t care about you.”

I think about arguing against that. My mind wanders to the slice of pizza shared between us, to my new phone, to the fact that I’m wearing his clothes, to the way he styled my hair for me. It turns out that I don’t really need to argue, because Andrew says to his brother, “Don’t speak for me.”

I think my knees get a little weaker.

“Fine.” Aaron tilts his head back, meeting my eyes. “If you don’t let go right now, I’ll share them.”

I instantly let go of his hair.

Aaron gives me a knowing smirk, but I ignore him and storm back into the hotel room. “Listen up, everyone! We’re playing Seven Minutes in Heaven!”

Everyone stops to look at me. Nicky is positively radiating with excitement. “You and me first, right Neil?” he says with a wink.

“I’m picking the names out of a hat,” I reply coolly, snatching up a pen and post-it pad from the side table. I scribble down the names of everyone I know (for a few of them I just write non-descript cheerleader ) and order everyone to line up. “First,” I say, hands shaking as I pull two pieces of paper out of a soap dish Matt grabbed for me from the bathroom. “Renee and Allison.”

The whole room coos, and I’m kind of thankful for my first pick.

“Where do we go?” Allison asks, unbothered. Renee is sweating beside her.

“Uh, into the hallway?” I suggest, and they shrug and obey. “Seven minutes is a long time,” I say after a few moments, and Dan laughs loudly at me.

When the girls come back, I dart my fingers into the soap dish again.

“Okay! Andrea and…Nicky.”

Seth makes a loud scoffing noise, looking between the Vixens captain and a very confused Nicky. 

“I’m gay,” Nicky says.

“It’s a game,” is all I offer, and he shrugs and follows Andrea out into the hallway.

“Those seven minutes can not be heaven,” Katelyn mutters. She came back to the room shortly after me, and has stuck loyally to my side throughout the course of the game so far.

I feel insanely guilty for what I’m about to do.

Nicky and Andrea come back, nonplussed, and I dip into the soap dish again. There are two pieces of paper that I folded a particular way, and I pull them both out to show to Katelyn.

“Oh,” she says, reading the names. “Um, Aaron. It’s us.”

Aaron’s whole demeanour changes, and his face lights up like a goddamn satellite. He trails out into the hallway after Katelyn, and I feel positively sick to my stomach.

Whilst they’re gone, Andrew sidles up to me. “You better have not put my name in this thing.”

“Relax,” I reply. “I’m scared anyone who kissed you would die.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Do I have a poison tongue, Neil?”

“Let’s hope we never find out.”

Abram_Exy: Away games are weird. Everyone’s in a strange mood.

Direct message from DilDoe: the lure of a hotel i’m afraid 

Abram_Exy: Do you have much experience?

Direct message from DilDoe: with hotels

Abram_Exy: With away games. Sports in general, I mean.

Direct message from DilDoe: i prefer to watch

Abram_Exy: Kinky.

Direct message from DilDoe: not when it comes to u, abram. for that i’ll be in the driver’s seat

Abram_Exy: I wanna let you take control.

Direct message from DilDoe: then do it

i didn’t really go to hotels growing up. no holidays for doe

Abram_Exy: Not a great family, I assume?

Direct message from DilDoe: not a family. foster kid

Abram_Exy: I spent my childhood on the run.

Direct message from DilDoe: we are kindred spirits, abram. little lost boys

Abram_Exy: Then come and find me.

Direct message from DilDoe: maybe i will

It’s gone midnight, and Kevin was enough of an asshole to send everyone back to their respective hotel rooms in lieu of the upcoming game.

Andrew and I fall asleep on the far opposite ends of the bed, but when I wake up in the middle of the night I feel his breath on my neck. Somehow, we both rolled inwards, and my right leg is sandwiched between both of his. My left arm is thrown over his waist.

I try to gently pull back, careful to not wake him, but Andrew’s eyes flicker open anyway. He regards me sleepily, and then clamps his legs together, trapping mine. I’m not really awake enough to object, so I just hum and let myself fall back asleep.

It’s the early hours of the morning when I wake again, and our noses are pressed together. When Andrew exhales, I catch the breath in my mouth. I don’t know what possesses me—delerium or the lingering thought that this might actually be a dream—but I tilt my head upwards and press a very small kiss to the tip of his nose. 

His eyes open again, crinkling at the edges, and he stretches his arms up to wrap around my neck. We both fall asleep like that, and my heart is hammering in my chest.

When Kevin bangs on our door at 6am, I’m alone in the bed.

Abram_Exy: Here you go.

I attach a post-game picture. I borrowed Katelyn’s uniform, because I don’t really want Doe to know I’m a Fox yet. The top is too short on me, giving the mirror a very clear view of my midriff and bellybutton. My scars are glistening with sweat. 

As for the skirt…that I’m less sure about. I’m short enough that it isn’t entirely obscene, but it’s clear that my hips are wider than Katelyn’s, and about 90% of my thigh is poking out.

DilDoe is typing…

Direct message from DilDoe: have i mentioned that i want to blow u

bc i think i want to die between those thighs

Abram_Exy: The skirt isn’t mine. It’s a little treat for you.

Direct message from DilDoe: seriously abram when can i come and visit 

Abram_Exy: Um…whenever you want?

Direct message from DilDoe: tomorrow

Shit. Tomorrow. 

I don’t realise I‘m panicking until I close Twitter and shoot Andrew a text.

You: Help.

Andrew: where r u

You: Katelyn’s hotel room.

He doesn’t question it, and a second later the doorhandle rattles. He doesn’t bother knocking, and I don’t bother explaining to Katelyn why someone is trying to break into her room.

She opens it and frowns at Andrew. “What do you want?”

“Leave,” he instructs, and she does—only after giving me a concerned look over her shoulder which I shrug off. Then Andrew’s eyes settle on me. “Neil.”

“I’m freaking out.”

He steps into the room fully and locks the door behind himself. It’s just the two of us, and I can’t stop hyperventilating.

Andrew crosses the room in two strides and takes my shoulders in his hands. “Breathe, Neil.”

“I don’t know how to have sex.”

His eyes widen at that.

“I don’t even know how to kiss,” I admit. “And…tomorrow. I have to kiss someone tomorrow.”

“Do you want to kiss this person?”

“ Yes. ”

“Then why are you panicking?”

“Because…” I trail off, letting myself get distracted by counting the little flecks of gold in his irises. “I’ve never kissed anyone before.”

“Okay.”

“What if I’m bad?”

“What do you want me to do, Neil?” Andrew asks. “Give you lessons?”

“Yes.”

He drops his hands from my shoulders. “I was joking.”

“I’m not. Help me.”

“Neil.” There’s a note of warning in his tone. “I’m not going to kiss you.”

“I know you’re straight, but this isn’t about—”

“I’m not,” Andrew says firmly. “Straight, I mean. I’m not.”

“Oh.” I take a moment to process this. I can’t. “What?”

“I’m gay, Neil.”

“But you’re…you’re Andrew.”

“And you’re Neil.” He looks me up and down, then: measuring. “I thought you didn’t swing.”

“Only towards the goal.”

“You do realise that I’m the goalkeeper, right?”

I hadn’t processed the implication of this until now, and with Andrew’s golden eyes on me, I find myself flushing. “Um…it’s different, with Doe.”

“Your online friend. They’re coming to visit?”

I nod. “He keeps talking about blowing me.”

I watch as Andrew digests this, as his teeth move across his bottom lip. “Is that something you want?”

“I think so.”

“I’m not going to practice that with you, Neil.”

At that, I crack a smile. “But you will teach me how to kiss, right?”

Andrew rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t say no. Instead, he steps forward until we’re chest-to-chest. One hand snakes around the back of my neck, the other tilts my chin down so that our faces are aligned. “Yes or no?”

“God, yes.”

It’s the lightest touch. Barely there. But it sends a jolt of electricity through me, and I find myself clenching my fists down by my sides.

“Neil,” Andrew murmurs against my mouth, “put your hands around my waist.”

I indulge this instantly, squeezing at the little dip above his hips. “So fucking grabable.”

Andrew responds by kissing me again, and this time it’s firmer. He pulls at my bottom lip with his teeth and works open my mouth with his tongue. When I let out an involuntary moan, he steps back.

“I think you’re more than ready,” he mumbles, detaching my hands from his waist.

“Seriously? That’s it?”

He tilts his head to one side. “Do you want to make out with me, Neil?”

I have no idea. I don’t find the answer, either—not when Andrew shrugs and leaves the room, not in the minutes of silence that follow.

Abram_Exy: Doe.

Direct message from DilDoe: abram

Abram_Exy: You’re not my boyfriend, are you? Like, I mean, I can kiss someone else and that’s not cheating, is it?

Direct message from DilDoe: u can do watever u want

Abram_Exy: Okay. I did. I kissed someone.

Direct message from DilDoe: ok

Abram_Exy: It was Andrew Minyard.

Direct message from DilDoe: ok

Abram_Exy: I thought I should tell you so it didn’t feel like a secret, but then I don’t know if I should actually tell you when I kiss other people.

Direct message from DilDoe: r u planning on kissing a lot of people

Abram_Exy: No, he was my first.

Direct message from DilDoe: right

Abram_Exy: I was practicing for you. For when you come tomorrow.

Direct message from DilDoe: do u still want me to come? ur not like into andrew minyard now

Abram_Exy: Yes. I don’t know.

By that I mean yes I still want you to come. I don’t know how I feel about Andrew.

Direct message from DilDoe: do u want to kiss him again

Yes , my mind says instantly. But my fingers hover over the phone, and I don’t know what to say to Doe.

Abram_Exy: I don’t know. How would I know?

Direct message from DilDoe: did u enjoy kissing him

Abram_Exy: It was fucking incredible. But that’s not fair, is it? I can’t be into two people at once.

Direct message from DilDoe: sure u can. doesn’t matter, i’m gonna make u cum so hard tomorrow that u forget everyone else’s names

My hands start actually shaking.

Abram_Exy: Okay. And you can make it to PSU alright?

Direct message from DilDoe: yes

Abram_Exy: And you don’t wanna know what I look like beforehand?

Direct message from DilDoe: i know what u look like

Abram_Exy: My face, I mean.

Direct message from DilDoe: i’m not gonna be looking at ur face

I feel the flush creep down my stomach and under Katelyn’s skirt. Shit, I should give it back before this conversation takes a turn.

As if in response to my own thoughts, Doe continues.

Direct message from DilDoe: u better wear that cheer skirt tomorrow

Abram_Exy: It’s not mine.

Direct message from DilDoe: wear it

Abram_Exy: Okay, babyboy.

Direct message from DilDoe: fuck

i’m so into u

“Neil?” Katelyn’s standing in the door. I didn’t hear her come in, but this is her hotel room.

“Sorry, I’m leaving now.”

“No, it’s okay,” she says. “What did Andrew want?”

“Fashion tips.”

She gives me an amused smile. “You do look annoyingly good in my uniform.”

“Speaking of which—just give me a minute to change and—”

“Keep it for tonight,” she insists, smirking. “I want to see the Foxes’ reactions.”

And the most obvious reaction is, of course, Nicky Hemmick’s. Katelyn and I meet them all in a courtyard round the back of the hotel. Dan is cooking up some burgers on a grill, Renee and Allison are thumb-wrestling on a picnic blanket, Aaron is led down on a park bench with his arm draped over his eyes, and Kevin has finally given into the party spirit, it seems. He’s chugging back a large bottle of vodka, grinning at me.

“Look who decided to join us,” he says, which captures Nicky’s attention. He was helping Dan flip the burgers, but as soon as his eyes graze over me his jaw actually drops.

“Holy shit, am I dreaming?”

I click my tongue at him. “Shut up, Nicky.”

“Neil, this is unfair. Look at you. You’re wearing a tiny little skirt—”

“He said shut up,” Andrew cuts in. I hadn’t noticed him before, curled up under one of the few trees here. He’s smoking, so I walk over to join him.

“You didn’t comment on this earlier,” I say, gesturing to the skirt. “Does that mean you didn’t like it?”

His eyes lazily meet mine. “What do you want me to say , Neil? That you look fuckable?”

I hadn’t expected him to say that. I think I choke a little bit. “Maybe, yeah.”

“You do. I wanna rip that skirt off you with my teeth.” Andrew’s tone is as flat as always, but my whole body prickles with heat.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” He raises an eyebrow. “Do you even know what you’re saying?”

“I want you to kiss me again.”

Andrew scoffs and takes a drag. Slowly, he blows the smoke into my face. “What about your online friend? Isn’t he fucking you tomorrow?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never had sex before.”

“Wear that,” he says, pointing the cigarette to my skirt. “I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

“Andrew,” I breathe his name, and his eyes instantly flick down to my mouth. “Yes or no?”

He pulls back from me, scanning the courtyard. All of the Foxes are here, and a few of the Vixens are buzzing around Katelyn. “No. Not here.”

“Then take me back to our hotel room.”

“ Neil .” He sounds exasperated, and I like him like this. I like it so much.

“Neil!” Katelyn jogs over and sits next to me under the tree. She holds out a burger, and I take it gratefully. “I knew you’d forget to grab one yourself.”

“I kinda always forget to eat after a game,” I mumble around my first bite. “How did you find the cheer routine? You guys looked really good.”

Katelyn beams at me. “I wish we could have you on the pyramid. But alas, you’re too good of a striker.”

“And of course, I’d be too distracting in a skirt.” I gesture to the fact that I’m wearing hers right now.

Katelyn scoffs. “Neil, you don’t wear a skirt during practices. You wouldn’t be made to wear one during games.”

“I would insist upon it.”

Andrew has gone very still on my other side, so I turn and give him an obnoxious smile.

“You have so much food in your teeth,” he says flatly.

I close my mouth and wrinkle my nose at him. Andrew watches the action with wide eyes.

“Nicky is trying to start a game of truth or dare,” Katelyn says, drawing my attention back to her. “You have about five minutes until we’re all dragged into it. Run, Neil.”

I give her a salute and attempt to jump to my feet, but Andrew grips my wrist. I look down at him. “What?”

“Stay.”

I do.

I stay until Nicky gathers everyone around us. I stay until the team are woozy with alcohol and trading fried onions and cheese slices and other burger toppings like currency. I stay until Nicky points to me and says, “Neil. Truth or dare?”

I swallow. “Uh. Why are we starting with me?”

“I’ll go first,” Matt chirps, grinning at me. I silently thank him with my eyes.

“Okay, fine.” Nicky rolls his eyes. “Matthias Boyd. Truth or dare?”

“That is not my name.”

“ Truth or dare? ”

“Dare?” Matt says, brows quirking up.

“Okay.” Nicky rubs his hands together. “I dare you to kiss…Neil.”

I’m going to kill Nicky. I’m going to shove tomatoes in his eyes.

Matt looks at me, a question in his eyes. I just shrug, so he moves towards me until he’s kneeling a few inches away. A hand comes up on either side of my face, the gentlest touch. “Is this okay?”

“Yes, Matt.”

He nods and leans in, brushing my lips lightly. It’s a nothing kiss. He has very soft lips.

“Aha!” Nicky cackles. “Neil’s first kiss!”

“It’s not my first kiss,” I say when Matt shuffles back.

“Right.” Nicky slaps his forehead. “That was me.”

Andrew stiffens beside me. “What does he mean?”

“I…you didn’t know?” I turn to look at Andrew, and his jaw is clenched impossibly tightly. “That first night in Eden’s. Nicky—”

“You said you’d never kissed anyone before.”

“I don’t really count it. I was high off my face and it was horrible.”

Andrew breaks away from my gaze slowly, jabbing a finger in Nicky’s direction. “I’m going to kill you. I told you not to touch him.”

I reach for Andrew’s thigh. “It’s fine, it was nothing—”

“It’s not nothing, Neil, he violated you.”

Andrew is breathing hard, and I find myself squeezing his thigh rhythmically. I lean in closer, close enough to whisper, “I’m okay.”

“Alright!” Dan announces loudly. “Who’s next?”

“I’ll go,” I say, because I’m scared that if something else doesn’t happen soon, Andrew is going to boil over.

“Neil,” Dan says, “truth or dare?”

I consider it for a second. “Hm. Truth.”

Aaron scoffs across from me. “Like you’ve ever told the truth in your life.”

Dan continues, ignoring him, “Okay, Neil. Who is it you’re always texting on that damn phone of yours?”

“You have to tell the truth,” Nicky cuts in, although it’s probably not wise for him to speak right now.

“Um.” My eyes meet Aaron’s across the circle, and he’s smirking. Fuck it. “I have an online friend.”

“Online friend,” Aaron muses, “or online boyfriend ?”

“Fuck you,” I spit back.

“Woah, what the fuck?” Dan holds her hands up. “Why are we fighting?”

My eyes are locked onto Aaron’s. “You promised you wouldn’t tell anyone.”

“And you promised you’d help me get with Katelyn, but don’t you two look cosy cuddled up there?”

“Uh, Neil,” Katelyn murmurs from beside me. “What is he talking about?”

“Neil’s a flaming homo, everyone,” Aaron announces, and Nicky has the audacity to grin about it. “He has a secret boyfriend in his phone, and he doesn’t want anyone to know about it!”

“Then why are you telling everyone?” Allison asks, tone dripping with disgust. “You’re a piece of shit, Aaron.”

The rest of the Foxes clamour to defend me, but it all dissipates into white noise. The only sound I hear is Katelyn’s quiet voice beside me. “What does he mean, Neil?”

“I’m sorry.” I can’t even look at her.

Andrew taps my hip twice before standing up, and I blindly follow him out of the courtyard. He takes us up the fire escape, lighting two cigarettes.

“Doe is coming tomorrow,” he says after a long silence. “People were going to find out.”

“I don’t even know if I want him to come anymore.”

Andrew shrugs. “Questioning your feelings?”

“No. I don’t know.”

He takes a long drag and blows it in my face. “Let him come. See how you feel, then.”

Abram_Exy: Doe?

Direct message from DilDoe: abram

Abram_Exy: Are you actually coming tomorrow?

Direct message from DilDoe: do u want me to

Abram_Exy: Yes. Yeah. It’s just

Ugh.

My teammates.

Direct message from DilDoe: the cheerleaders?

Abram_Exy: That’s the thing. I’ve been lying to you a little bit, Doe.

Direct message from DilDoe: ur not actually a cheerleader

Abram_Exy: No, I am. At least, I go to their practices.

Direct message from DilDoe: not the games

Abram_Exy: I can’t. Because I’m on the team.

Direct message from DilDoe: right

Abram_Exy: I’m a Fox, Doe.

Direct message from DilDoe: i got that

Abram_Exy: And that probably means you can figure out who I am, and you probably won’t even want to come anymore.

Direct message from DilDoe: so long as ur not kevin day idc

Abram_Exy: Ha! I’m not Kevin Day.

You’re seriously not mad?

Direct message from DilDoe: i’ve been lying a lot more than u have neil

Abram_Exy: About what?

Wait.

Neil?!

Direct message from DilDoe: shit

Abram_Exy: HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN??????

Direct message from DilDoe: since u dropped ur phone in the toilet

This makes absolutely no sense to me, but I can’t even focus on the logistics right now; that was a long time ago.

Doe has known who I am for weeks, and he still wanted to talk to me. He still wanted to meet me. He still wanted to…do stuff to me.

I send back an awkward selfie of my face with a thumbs up and Doe instantly replies.

Direct message from DilDoe: ur so pretty josten

I find myself blushing madly.

There’s a knock on the door of my hotel room, and I slip my phone away. Andrew strolls in wearing his pyjamas. He must’ve gotten changed in Nicky’s room.

“I didn’t want to interrupt,” he says, coming over to the bed. “In case you were…”

“I’m not jerking off in here, Andrew.”

He shrugs. “You’ve had a long day.”

“We’re heading back to Palmetto early,” I reply. “I…don’t know what time Doe is planning on getting there.”

“Are you…?” He pauses, struggles for the words. “I mean, do you know how to…?”

“Have sex? You know I don’t.”

“No, I mean there’s stuff you have to do beforehand. Prep.”

I stare at him.

“Seriously, Neil? Have you even got condoms?”

“Can I borrow some?”

“No.”

“We might not even have sex,” I admit, drawing my knees up to my chest. Andrew sits next to me on the bed, and when I don’t continue naturally, he waves a hand at me. “I’m scared, Andrew. What if he doesn’t…like me.”

“You’re Neil Josten.”

“That means nothing.”

“Not to me.”

I blink at him. “Um. Well, he knows. He knows I’m Neil. I didn’t know he knew.”

“Wait, you were going to invite a stranger into your bed, and he didn’t even know who you were?”

“I’ve sent him pictures.”

“Of what, your thighs?” When I don’t reply, Andrew scoffs. “Seriously, Neil, you’re like a baby squirrel.”

“I don’t know how to do any of this! I’m floundering here, Andrew!”

“I can’t give you lessons on this,” he says.

“I wanna make him feel good,” I whisper. “I just don’t know how.”

“You’re not practicing on me.” Andrew sinks further into the mattress, looking up at me. “How do you even know that you’ll like him? I mean, if you don’t know what he looks like, you might not be attracted to him.”

“That’s not how it works for me. It’s not about looks.”

“Everyone says that.”

“But I mean it.”

Andrew hums. Gently, he knocks his foot against mine. “I hope it goes well for you.”

I give him a rueful smile. “Really? It would mean you’d never get to kiss me again.”

“We’ll see about that.”

Abram_Exy: How many Neils does it take to change a lightbulb?

Direct message from DilDoe: one thousand i assume. ur not very smart

Abram_Exy: HEY! You think Neil Josten is the best Exy player.

Direct message from DilDoe: best. not smartest

Abram_Exy: I’m gonna kiss you today

DilDoe is typing…

Direct message from DilDoe: yes u r

is that ok

Abram_Exy: I’m fucking excited!!

I put my phone away. I’m fucking nervous.

I’m fidgeting the whole bus ride back to Palmetto. I shoot Doe a few quick messages—confirming our meeting spot, time, what I should wear, how I should act etc.

Direct message from DilDoe: u worry too much neil

Abram_Exy: I know. I can’t help it.

Direct message from DilDoe: it’s cute. ur cute

Abram_Exy: You’re making me blush.

Direct message from DilDoe: good

ur cute when u blush

Abram_Exy: And how would you know?

Direct message from DilDoe: hey neil

Abram_Exy: Yeah?

Direct message from DilDoe: don’t get mad

I wriggle in my seat, frowning down at the phone.

Abram_Exy: Why would I be mad?

Direct message from DilDoe: i’ve lied to u. like a lot

Abram_Exy: Okay??

Direct message from DilDoe: i go to palmetto

Abram_Exy: Oh.

The whole universe comes crashing down.

Abram_Exy: So…the PSU Insta?

Direct message from DilDoe: i follow it bc it’s my school. when we first started talking on here i didn’t know who u were or where u went but then you kept mentioning kevin day and palmetto and i got scared

Abram_Exy: You think you were scared? You mentioned me BY NAME!!

Direct message from DilDoe: right. well, that’s bc i like neil josten

i’ve liked neil josten for a while

Abram_Exy: Doe. I’m going to ask you something and I need you to answer honestly.

Direct message from DilDoe: ok

Abram_Exy: Do I know you in real life?

DilDoe is typing…

Abram_Exy: Doe?

You can no longer send direct messages to this user

“Fuck.” I slam my phone down hard enough on my knee for Kevin to turn around in his seat and raise an eyebrow at me. “Fuck off, Day.”

“So, Katelyn won’t talk to me anymore,” is the first thing Aaron says after barging into my dorm room. I’m nursing a large tub of ice cream and feeling incredibly sorry for myself, and I kind of hate Matt right now for answering the door. “What are you gonna do about it, Josten?”

“Nothing.”

Aaron blinks at me. Matt excused himself into the bedroom after noting the way I sat up straighter, so Aaron feels no shame in speaking freely. “I’ll upload your messages to the PSU Insta. I swear I will.”

“Then do it already. It doesn’t matter; Doe blocked me.”

“Oh,” Aaron says. “Why?”

“I don’t fucking know. Just leave me alone, Minyard.”

He turns to leave, but points at me from the doorway. “Katelyn.”

“No. I’m done. Figure it out yourself.”

“You’ll regret this, Josten.”

“Probably.”

A week passes, and I hear nothing from Doe. I hear nothing from Aaron, which I take as a good sign. I’ve been avoiding cheer practice, as well, because I couldn’t muster up the courage to face Katelyn. I need to properly apologise.

I decide to do it now.

I’m on the way to her dorm when I bump into her roommate with the name I can never remember. She’s on the cheer squad, but other than that she’s entirely forgettable.

“Hi, Neil!” She smiles at me, all toothy. “We’ve missed you at practice this week.”

“I’ve been a bit busy with Exy,” I lie. I’ve been avoiding that, too. Wymack thinks I have the flu.

She nods sagely. “You’re very dedicated to do both.”

I try to walk away. “Well, it was good to see you, Melinda.”

“Marissa.”

“I was joking,” I lie again. “I obviously know your name, Marissa. We cheer together.”

“Obviously.” She rocks back and forth on her heels, visibly nervous. “Um, Neil. About what Aaron said at the hotel—”

“I wouldn’t pay attention to anything Aaron says.”

“I normally wouldn’t,” she says, forcing a laugh. “But…you don’t have a secret boyfriend, do you? Like, just because you cheer doesn’t mean you’re,” she lowers her voice to an aggressive whisper, “ gay .”

“No, Marissa.” I force my expression into blankness, channeling Andrew Minyard. “It doesn’t mean I’m gay.”

She brightens at that. “Good! Because there’s the Palmetto carnival next week and I wanted to ask if you…well, if you wanted to go with me?”

“With…the cheer squad?”

“Sure, they’ll be there.”

“Yeah, I mean I was planning on going anyway. I’m sure we’ll bump into each other.”

“Good.” Marissa goes to leave, then clearly thinks better of it and tangles me in a tight hug that lasts one second too long. “See you there, Neil!”

I watch her leave, utterly dumbfounded, and am only broken out of my reverie by Katelyn’s amused voice. “Did you just ask Marissa on a date?”

“No?” I turn towards Katelyn. She’s leaning in the doorway of her dorm, half-smirking. “She was just asking if I was planning on going to the carnival.”

“No, Neil. She asked if you wanted to go with her .”

“With the squad.”

“With her. ”

“Oh. Oh god.” I start to panic, and seriously consider chasing after Marissa down the corridor. Katelyn must take pity on me, because she beckons me inside with a click of her tongue.

“Sit.” She points to the couch. I sit. “Here’s Marissa’s number,” she says, pulling out her phone to text it to me. “Set things straight. Don’t be an asshole.”

“When have I ever been an asshole?” It’s an automatic response, but Katelyn’s expression quickly clams up. “Apart from that time recently where I was an incessant asshole to you.”

“I just…” She sighs, flopping down next to me on the sofa. “The cheer party…I thought it meant you were starting to consider us friends, Neil. And then Seven Minutes in Heaven. What, did you rig that?”

“Yes.”

Her eyes widen. “Seriously? That’s fucked up, Neil.”

“Aaron is fucked up. He wanted to out my messages with Doe.”

And, of course, then I have to tell Katelyn about Doe. She listens quietly, nodding at appropriate intervals, before eventually saying, “I wish you’d just talked to me, Neil. I would have tried to help you. It could’ve been our secret mission—espionage. Fake-wooing Aaron Minyard. But instead you used me, and that’s not okay.”

I nod, a lump forming in my throat.

“I’m sorry about Doe,” she says after a minute. “I’m…I’m here to talk. Or I will be. Just give me a few days.”

And that’s more than I probably deserve from Katelyn, so I take it and head back to my dorm.

I’ve only just slumped down onto my bed when I get a text from an unknown number: You’re not actually gay, are you? That would be terrible for the season.

I reply: Kevin?

Another text: Yes, obviously. Oh, right, you got a new phone. This is Kevin Day.

You: My love life is none of your business, Kevin.

Kevin: It is if it interferes with Exy.

You: HOW WOULD IT INTERFER WITH EXY???

Kevin: It’s a bad look for our team, Neil.

You: Sincerely, Kevin, fuck off.

I block him for good measure, before setting about to the second task at hand.

Dear Marissa,

I think I misinterpreted our hallway conversation. If you were asking me out on a date, I have to decline. Sorry, I’m just not interested in you that way. Maybe Kevin Day would be, although he’s an asshole so I wouldn’t recommend it.

See you at the carnival!

Neil ;)

Satisfied, I rummage in the freezer for the ice cream I started last week. I’ve only eaten one spoonful of it when I’m pulling out my phone again.

You: I have ice cream. Bring your own spoon.

Andrew: ???

But there’s a knock on my door two minutes later.

“It’s open,” I call.

“I thought you had the flu,” Andrew says, closing the door behind him.

“I’m a lying liar, it seems.” I pat the space next to me on the sofa and he sits. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Doe didn’t come.”

“I know.”

I sigh, stretching backwards. “He blocked me, so that’s the end of that,” I say. “Did you bring your own spoon?”

Andrew holds his up, cheers-ing it against mine.

We delve into the ice cream in silence and make our way through half of it by the time Matt comes home. He slams the door open loudly enough for me to jump and drop my spoon. He heads straight for the bedroom, claiming that he has a tonne of homework and needs to study.

“I’m just gonna grab another spoon,” I say, but Andrew catches my wrist and squeezes.

Carefully, he scoops up a mouthful on his own spoon and holds it up to my lips. “Yes or no?”

“Your tongue has been in my mouth,” I say. “I don’t care about sharing cutlery.”

His eyes don’t leave mine as I part my lips, and as soon as the ice cream is in my mouth he drops the spoon and moves up onto his knees. “Neil—?”

“ Yes .”

And he kisses the ice cream out of my mouth. His hands wind into my hair, his knees straddle my hips. He rocks back and forth and the friction is electrifying.

“Fuck, Andrew,” I whimper.

He bites my bottom lip in response.

I’m just about to take charge—about to push Andrew back on the sofa and climb on top of him—when there’s a clatter from the bedroom.

“Oops!” Matt calls out. “Sorry!”

But Andrew has already shuffled away, cheeks burning and eyes cast downwards.

I reach out to him. “Andrew—”

“ No .”

My hand drops instantly. Silently, he leaves, and I’m left to clean up the ice cream.

A week passes, and Allison and Katelyn are taking turns fussing over me. Allison is adjusting my outfit, and Katelyn keeps scrunching my hair.

“I’m not going on a date, guys. Actually very much the opposite,” I say. “I have been colossally dumped. I need to get over it.”

“And this is how,” Allison says, matter-of-factly. “What does a girl do when a boy breaks her heart?”

“Slash his tires,” Katelyn suggests. 

“That too. But she changes her hair , guys.” Allison reaches up to tug on one of my loose curls before Katelyn swats her hand away. “Your hair is too pretty to change, so we’re going for something a little more temporary. A makeover !”

“Yay,” I deadpan.

When they’re done, they spin me around to look in Allison’s full-length mirror. I’m wearing a tight white t-shirt with little orange flowers embroidered around the neck and a pale pair of short dungarees. My knees are on full display—all scratched and scabbed and covered in childish plasters—but I don’t care right now. My socks are orange, my Converse are comfy, and I feel a little bit on top of the world.

“You’re beautiful,” Allison murmurs in my ear, and I offer her a grin.

We’re just about to head to the carnival when Katelyn’s phone buzzes.

“Let me guess,” Allison drawls, “Aaron Minyard wants another chance.”

“No, it’s the PSU Insta,” she says.

Allison gives her a mocking look. “You have notifications on for the Insta?”

Katelyn shrugs. “Marissa is the administrator. She’s my roommate—oh, fuck. ”

“What?” I ask, suddenly intrigued. 

Katelyn’s gaze slides up to meet mine, her eyes brimming with horror. “Neil, I’m so sorry.”

I snatch the phone off of her and stare at the new post. I instantly know what the pictures are without clicking on them: the screenshots.

Aaron Minyard is a dead man.

And Doe will see all of this.

Katelyn’s holding one of my arms and Allison is clinging to the other. They sort of march me into the carnival: Renee, Dan, and Matt following closely behind us.

“I’ll break his neck,” Allison hisses, and I just give her a long look; if anyone’s going to hunt down Aaron Minyard and punch him into the dirt, it’s going to be me.

Except when we find him—lazily pulling candyfloss out of a tub—he simply smiles and waves at us.

The girls let me go and I lurch forward.

“Woah! What the fuck, Josten?!”

“You fucking promised,” I spit, hands going around Aaron’s throat. “It was bad enough telling the team, but the Insta? The fucking Insta? FUCK YOU!”

He makes a strangled sound, and it isn’t until Matt taps me on the shoulder that I realise I’m kind of choking Aaron. 

I realise my grip slightly. “What was that?”

He gasps for breath. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You posted the screenshots. You put them on the fucking PSU Insta.”

“I didn’t, I swear!”

I let my hands drop in confusion, and Aaron rubs his swollen neck.

“I don’t even have your dumb screenshots anymore. I deleted the lot of them the day after I found them.”

“I—what?”

“I wasn’t actually going to blackmail you, Neil. I just wanted your help.”

“But you did blackmail me,” I insist. “Whether you had the images or not, you told me you did and I believed you. You still blackmailed me when you could’ve fucking asked .”

“Would you have helped me?” Aaron crosses his arms. “If I had said ‘hey, I think Katelyn Mackenzie is heartbreakingly cool and I don’t know how to act around her with this big embarrassing crush and I keep making a fool of myself’, would you have helped me?”

“To con her into kissing you? Fuck no!”

“You think I’m heartbreakingly cool?” Katelyn asks softly, and I just roll my eyes. I’ve had enough of straight people today.

I click my fingers in front of their faces to draw their attention back to me. “Aaron, who else had access to your photos?”

“No one.” Then his expression clears and his mouth forms a perfect little ‘o’. “Unless…”

“Unless what?”

“Unless they automatically uploaded to the cloud.”

“The cloud?” I ask frantically. “What cloud?”

“iCloud,” Allison replies. “Who do you share it with?”

“The news team,” he says helplessly. “Anyone who works on the PSU Insta. It’s time-saving!”

“Marissa?” Katelyn guesses. “She’s the administrator. And you did sort of reject her last week, Neil.”

“You did?” Allison looks amused.

“I let her down easy,” I insist, pulling out my phone to show them the text I sent. Everyone sucks in a breath. “What?”

“That’s cold, dude,” Matt says.

“I thought I was being kind!”

“ See you at the carnival ,” Dan reads out, trying to hold in a laugh. “Oh, Neil.”

“Did I seriously offend a girl enough for her to out me? To out Doe?”

“I’ll find her,” Aaron assures. “I’ll ask her to delete it. No—I’ll make sure she does.”

And I believe him. Fuck, I do. But it doesn’t really matter: because Doe will have seen it already, and I can’t even reach him, anyway.

Renee tries to cheer me up by taking me on the ferris wheel. The lights look cool from up here, and someone’s set off a few fireworks.

It’s fine. Everything’s okay.

Allison buys me an ice cream, and Dan and Matt thrash me in the bumper cars. I sit with Katelyn on the waltzers and count down the minutes until it’s over.

More fireworks. More lights. More ice cream.

It’s all just really okay.

We’re heading for our third cone when I notice someone familiar in line. His blonde hair is longer than Aaron’s, with more of a wave to it. He’s wearing one long silver earring.

“Hey,” I mumble.

Andrew turns around, and I suck in a breath. He looks…golden. Every time a firework cracks overhead, his hazel eyes light up with the entire spectrum of colours. His mouth looks plush and soft and pliable. His cheeks are round, dimpled. His waist looks impossibly small, and I instantly remember the feeling of slotting my hands there.

Right now, I clench them into fists at my side.

“In an ice cream mood, Josten?”

“Only if you lick it out of my mouth.”

He pauses, stumbles, reboots. “ Neil .”

“ Andrew .”

But he doesn’t have a chance to answer; he’s next in line. He orders two soft serve cones and hands one to me wordlessly. The rest of the Foxes watch with raised eyebrows as I follow Andrew towards another stall.

It’s one of those throwing ones.

“Are you gonna win me a cuddly toy?” I tease, and Andrew just passes me his ice cream to hold. “Wait, seriously?”

“I’m a goalkeeper, Neil.” He flicks me an amused look. “I have good aim.”

And he does. He wins three times in a row, and I have to pull him away from the stall because I can’t fit any more teddy bears in my arms. He offers to carry them. I let him.

“You’ll have to feed me my ice cream,” Andrew warns, and a terrible idea blossoms.

I take a large bite from his, hold the ice cream in my mouth, and offer it on my outstretched tongue.

Andrew stops walking immediately. Teddy bears still in hand, he steps forward and presses his mouth to mine, stealing back his ice cream. He doesn’t stop kissing me. I don’t stop kissing him back.

His teeth graze over my bottom lip, his tongue swirls around the edges of my mouth. His lips are so petal-soft that I can’t stop sucking on them. The action elicits a moan from him, and I grin against the sound. 

After a minute, Andrew pulls back. “I take it you’ve forgotten about Doe, then?”

I feel my smile fall. “Did you see the PSU Insta?”

Andrew’s eyes go impossibly dark. “Neil. I posted the PSU Insta.”

I don’t register what he’s saying. “Huh?”

“Aaron left his phone lying around unlocked.” He shrugs. “I was curious. I saw the photos in his Recently Deleted folder.”

“What the fuck, Andrew?” I take a step back. “Are you serious? Why would you do that?!”

“So that no one else can. I’m not ashamed of it.”

“Not ashamed of outing me. Of outing a guy you don’t even know!” I throw the ice cream cones on the ground. “He goes here, Andrew! Someone might recognise the way he types!”

“You certainly didn’t.”

“What does that even mean ?”

Andrew’s eyes dart around until they settle on something: a bench. He places the teddy bears down and then steps towards me until we’re inches from each other. “How many Abrams does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Huh?”

He blinks at me, sighing. “ Neil. ”

I don’t understand. I don’t understand what is happening.

Andrew begins listing things on his fingers. “Obsessed with Exy, thinks Kevin Day is a better player than Neil Josten, is loud-mouthed and hard-headed, has all the wrong opinions.” He smirks. “Is an adorable idiot. I should’ve guessed it was you a year ago.”

“I’m so confused.”

“I almost blocked you after the phone-toilet incident, but it was kind of like a bomb of luck,” Andrew continues. “My real-life crush and online one being the same person. Hurray.”

“Andrew, what are you talking about?”

“I grew up in foster care,” he says, very slowly like I’m an idiot. Maybe I am. “I didn’t have a surname. Until I met Aaron, I was Andrew Doe.” He sticks out a hand. “Hi, Abram, nice to meet you.”

And then it all makes sense. “Holy shit.”

“You can shake it, Neil.”

“Holy shit !”

Andrew is staring at me, hand still outstretched. Doe is staring at me. “Neil?”

“You want to blow me.”

Andrew chokes on spit. Clearly, he didn’t expect me to say that. “I—sure.”

“You want to kiss me.”

“I have kissed you.”

“You want to make me come,” I say frantically. “You want me to scream your name—holy shit, Andrew!”

“Yes,” is all he says to that.

“Yes?” I raise a hand up in question, hovering it just over his cheek. His impossibly-adorable cheek. 

“Yes, Neil.”

And I kiss him. Fuck, I do.

“Neil! We found Marissa! She claims she didn’t do it, but I think with some old-fashioned torture methods we could—what are you doing?”

I untangle myself from Andrew. I remove my tongue from his mouth, my hands from the back pockets of his shorts. They’re the same ones I wore last week.

“Oh, Aaron,” I say. “Hi.”

“Are you making out with my brother?”

“Yes.” I look at Andrew again and smile. “Yes, I am doing that.”

Aaron shuffles. “Okay. Well, Marissa—”

“Didn’t do it,” I interrupt. “It wasn’t her.”

“Oh,” Aaron says. “Well, she took it down anyway.”

“Good,” I say, more to Andrew than Aaron. Andrew actually pouts .

“Okay.” Aaron backs away from us slowly, and I’m pretty sure I hear him whisper, “What the fuck?”

“Hi,” I say to Andrew when we’re alone again.

“Hi.” His expression is blank, but it isn’t really. There’s minuteness to it, and I’m enjoying reading all of the little tells of pleasure. I nip at his earlobe and a muscle in his jaw jumps. I suck on his neck and feel the stillness of his breathing.

“I like you so much,” I murmur against his lips, and Andrew tightens his hold on my waist. “You’re so fucking pretty, Drew.”

He draws back. “What did you just call me?”

“Pretty?”

“You called me Drew.”

“Oh.” I swallow. “You didn’t like it?”

“I hate it.” He kisses me again. “I hate you.”

“So when you were trying to get me to come in the bed at the away game,” I say, fingers interlocked with Andrew’s. I’m playing with them a little, discovering the callouses. We’re led on our backs on my dorm bed. Alone. “You were actually lying right next to me.”

“I wasn’t listening to music,” he admits. “I wanted to hear you moan.”

“Did you?”

“Yes.”

I can’t help but blush.

“I knew you’d be pretty like this,” Andrew mumbles, and then he shifts so that he’s balancing over me. He kisses my neck slowly, trailing his lips down my bare chest. “Fuck, Neil.”

I laugh, but it’s cut off when he bites down hard on my hip.

Andrew looks up, meeting my eyes. “That shut you up.”

“You’re so…infuriating.”

He hums, fingers fiddling with the zip of my jeans.

“Andrew.” I grab his wrist. “I’m…shit, I’m nervous.”

“Don’t be,” he says, pressing the ghost of a kiss to my stomach. “I’ll be gentle.”

“I don’t want you to be gentle. I want you to undo me.”

“Okay, Abram.” There’s a flash of light behind his eyes, something wicked and entirely mine. Mine, mine, mine. “Hold on.”

I think I set a record for cumming. Andrew’s mouth is relentless, and his hands are worse; he works me open, plunges them inside me. I spend the night coming undone.

He’s a little more cagey about being touched, himself, but I say that we can work up to that. He kisses me in response, and then names every star he can remember.

Abram_Exy: What rhymes with pandrew and is adorable?

Direct message from DilDoe: what tf is pandrew

Abram_Exy: …I couldn’t think of anything to rhyme with Andrew.

Direct message from DilDoe: ur an idiot

Abram_Exy: I’m YOUR idiot.

Direct message from DilDoe: oh god

ur right

we should end this now 

Abram_Exy: Don’t even joke about that, I like you so much!!

DilDoe is typing…

Direct message from DilDoe: <3

Abram_Exy: :)))

“So, you’re not pissed off?” Andrew is leaning against his Exy racket, and I’m hovering in front of him in goal. We’re taking a five minute break, and all the other Foxes are grabbing water on the other side of the stadium.

I rock back on my heels. “About?”

“Me lying to you. Blocking you.”

“I am pissed about you blocking me,” I decide. “Why?”

He shrugs. “I was gonna have to tell you who I was.”

“And that was a bad thing?”

Andrew shrugs again, and then it clicks.

“Oh my god, you were scared.”

His eyes flick up to meet mine. “I was not scared.”

“You were nervous!”

“ Neil .”

“ Andrew .” I step forwards, crowding him. “Did you think I wouldn’t be happy it was you?”

He shrugs a third time. “Are you?”

“Are you kidding me? I’ve been pining over you for months.”

He exhales a little. “Pining.”

“You kept buying me things, it was hot.” I lace one hand through the netting of his racket. “And you kept being obscenely pretty.”

“I hate you,” he scoffs. “You never shut up.”

“Then do something about it.”

Andrew’s eyes scan the stadium, note the rest of the foxes. “Not here.”

“Then take me back to my dorm.”

“Only if you wear that skirt again.”

I smile slowly. “You’ll have to convince Katelyn.”

“Nevermind. I’ll buy you one.”

I lean in close, letting my breath brush against his ear. “Slut.”

Andrew simply hums in response.

We spend the next few weeks learning each other—the shape of our bodies, the way our names taste in each other’s mouths. We don’t have to tell the team: it’s pretty fucking obvious.

When Andrew wins us a game by shutting down a goal at the last second, I sprint across the court and leap into his arms, wrapping my legs around his hips. We’re wearing helmets, so I can’t kiss him until we’re in the shower. Together. It’s a long shower.

Matt takes the hint early on and insists on staying late at Dan’s dorm so I can discover all of the little sounds Andrew makes when I take him into my mouth. Andrew quickly accepts that his favourite place to keep his hands is in my pockets, so that’s how we walk around.

Aaron finds it disgusting. Katelyn can’t stop grinning at us.

I eventually tell the whole team about Doe—most of them already saw the few screenshots that Andrew had posted—but I keep the story brief. There’s some things, like lightbulbs and Abram and stars, that I want to keep just for myself.

Just for us.

And I can’t stop smiling. I catch Andrew’s eye across every room, and he stares. He’s so good at staring. I‘m so good at smiling. 

And I take all of this as a newfound opportunity to publicly infuriate Doe online.

New Tweet from Abram_Exy: Neil Josten needs to up his game. He’s dragging the Foxes down.

DilDoe replied: i will kill u keep his name out of ur whore mouth

Abram_Exy replied: Make me <3

A minute later, Andrew barges into my dorm room, pushes me down into the mattress, and kisses me senseless.

Abram_Exy: How many boyfriends does it take to change a lightbulb?

Direct message from DilDoe: huh

Abram_Exy: No, wait, I’m saying this wrong. Let me try again.

How many tries does it take Neil Josten to ask Andrew Minyard to be his boyfriend?

Direct message from DilDoe: that depends

Abram_Exy: On?

Direct message from DilDoe: if i say yes the first time

Abram_Exy: Will you?

Direct message from DilDoe: abram

Abram_Exy: Doe.

Direct message from DilDoe: ur an idiot

DilDoe is typing…

yes.