Chapter Text
Yushi had always cared way too much about what other people thought of him, sometimes so much that he forgot to ask himself what he actually wanted.
If his parents told him to play with toy cars instead of dolls, he’d do it without a second thought, even if the dolls were way more fun (and honestly, his stories about them were legendary). If his friends wrinkled their noses at his favorite neon jacket and said it was childish, he’d immediately swap it for a plain hoodie, even though he knew his outfit was cooler.
It had always been like that for him, but after so many years, he started doing it unconsciously. Like when he saw a girl at the club getting all the attention with her glittery eyeliner, and before he knew it, he was in the bathroom smearing silver glitter on his own face. Or when his hairdresser said, “You’d look adorable with bangs!” and he just… nodded, even though he hated having hair in his eyes. It was all driven by some kind of acceptance, of validation, something he didn’t even look for consciously but nevertheless strived for.
Even if they were usually simple things to change or adapt, they still confused Yushi in his process of getting to know himself and becoming his own person, because he was now twenty-four, and he didn’t know a single thing about himself. But he didn’t know how to stop doing it either; it was all that he had ever done.
He knew he should figure it out eventually, maybe therapy, maybe one of those ‘find yourself’ retreats where you meditate with strangers for a month, but for now? He just kept floating along, smiling when he was supposed to, laughing when others did, nodding even when he wasn’t sure what he was agreeing to.
Last night was a perfect example.
It was July, and Yushi, as a kindergarten teacher, had vacations for the whole summer. Maybe he could go on a getaway for the summer.
Anyway, since the start of his holidays, he hadn’t done anything special, and because he missed Riku’s birthday party, he had guilt-tripped him into clubbing, and Yushi, ever the people-pleaser, had immediately said yes. Next thing he knew, he was in a bar with his best friend and his boyfriend, Daeyoung, who were determined to set him up with someone.
“That guy’s totally your type,” Daeyoung said, pointing at a tall, smirking guy across the room.
“Is he?” Yushi blinked.
“Absolutely!” Riku said, clearly drunk. “You should ask for his number.”
Yushi went directly towards him.
They ended up tangled in Yushi’s soft pink sheets, him craving for some attention, losing himself in another man’s arms. The next morning, as he woke up, he went for a shower but hit his feet against the bed's support. He had been meaning to fix it for so long, but he only remembered when he hit it, exactly like that moment.
“Fuck!- sorry, I just-” Yushi said, grabbing his feet up, knee touching his chest as he bit his tongue, “I always hit myself with this.”
“Want me to grab you some ice or-” The guy-
Wait, what was his name again?
He sat up, completely naked, sheets pooling around his waist.
Yushi blinked.
Did I let him sleep naked?
He didn’t remember agreeing to that. His skin prickled at the thought, and he made a mental note to burn these sheets later.
“It’s okay, fuck it hurts.” He said, pressing his knee closer to his chest.
Kim? Song? The guy said, squinting his eyes at Yushi’s body. “What do you have there?”
“Uhm? Where?”
“There, in your leg.” He pointed, head tilting like Yushi was some kind of museum exhibit.
“Oh! That’s just… a birthmark?” Yushi said it like a question, as if he wasn’t entirely sure himself.
“Wow, it’s like… why is it pink? It’s so weird.”
“Uhm uh…” Yushi’s stomach dropped.
“I mean, not in a bad way, it’s just… don’t know, weird.”
Suddenly, Yushi didn’t feel the throbbing in his foot anymore. Now, it was his birthmark that ached, a hot, crawling shame under his skin.
He went to the bathroom to have a much-needed shower, and even if they were in the middle of summer, he set the water scalding hot, brushing aggressively against his birthmark. It burned and ached, and Yushi hoped it would go away, but it didn’t; it only got redder, the outline of it clearer against his skin.
When he finally stepped out, the guy was gone.
Thank God. Yushi exhaled, clasping his hands together. I won’t hook up with a guy after at least three dates. I promise you. Maybe two.
He yanked the sheets off the bed, shoving them into the washing machine like they’d personally offended him. The machine rattled ominously (another thing he’d been meaning to fix), but Yushi ignored it, already pulling out his phone. His fingers moved furiously fast.
can you remove a birthmark ???
He gasped at the surgical options but relaxed when he saw creams. Creams were safe. Creams weren’t scary.
creams for birthmark removal
natural remedies ?
birthmark before after
He scrolled endlessly, pausing at a photo of a tattoo covering a birthmark. A tattoo? That was still scary, but less scary than surgery. And the designs were kind of pretty… Yushi chewed his lip. He’d never thought twice about his birthmark before; it was just there. But now, the idea of wearing shorts made his skin sting.
He flopped onto the couch, pulling his knees to his chest.
Why did one stupid comment make me feel like this?
He tried not to think about it too much, but the next week, as he stepped out to buy groceries, he could swear a man had stared at his legs for a second too long. His skin prickled with sudden self-consciousness.
“Whatever,” he scoffed, immediately turning on his heel to march back upstairs and change into jeans, the thickest, most covering pair he owned.
The universe, it seemed, had other plans. Because right there, on his way to the supermarket, was a brand new tattoo parlor. The sign glowed almost temptingly.
This has to be destiny, Yushi thought, completely ignoring the fact that he'd passed this same street every day and never noticed it before.
With sudden determination, that would absolutely vanish the moment someone questioned him, he approached. The facade was intimidating: all black tiles and dark glass that seemed to swallow the sunlight whole. Even the plastic plants in the window looked gloomier than the ones he'd gifted Daeyoung last year.
As he came inside, he decided that kind of decoration could only be blamed on a heterosexual boy.
His theory was immediately confirmed when a tall figure emerged from the back. Broad shoulders stretched the limits of a skin-tight black tank top, while baggy jeans hung precariously low on narrow hips.
Yushi nodded to himself, like he had just won an argument in his head. Meanwhile, the man's confused expression did nothing to diminish his general aura of-
Great. He thought. An emo.
“Hello, my name is Anton! How can I help you?”
“Hi! I wanted uhmm, I wanted some information.” Yushi's mouth moved before his brain caught up.
“About?”
Anton prompted gently, leaning against the counter in a way that made his arm muscles flex. Yushi quickly looked at the ceiling. It was black. Yushi looked back, unable to keep staring at dark surfaces without thinking they were going to swallow him whole.
“Tattoos.” The word tumbled out. “I want to get a tattoo.” Then, realizing how that sounded, he hastily added, “Not right now! Unless... is it right now possible? How does this work?”
“If you want to get a tattoo, you came to the right place, then.” His voice was warm, putting Yushi slightly at ease. “Do you have anything in mind? Like design, size, placement…”
“I want it here,” Yushi said, pointing at his inner thigh, raising his leg as high as he could. His jeans strained dangerously.
“Oh, okay.” He said as he looked at Yushi’s raised leg, like he could see underneath his jeans, “Inner thighs tattoos can hurt more than outer thigh… Is it your first one?”
“Yep!” Yushi chirped, still balancing precariously on one foot.
“Okay, great to know.” Anton's laugh was equal parts amused and concerned. “And how big or small are you thinking?”
“It’s to cover some mark I have,” Yushi explained, finally lowering his leg.
“Would you mind showing me? It can be a picture or-”
“I do have pictures,” Yushi fumbled for his phone, suddenly realizing he'd taken seventeen close-ups of his birthmark that morning at increasingly dramatic angles. “Lemme just-”
Anton held up a hand. “Don't mean to bother, but if you're here, it'd be much more convenient to just see it in person. But really, up to you.”
“Uhm okay...” Yushi's fingers hovered over his belt buckle. “Does it have to be here or like-”
“Oh God no.” Anton's hands flew up in panic as Yushi started undoing his jeans right in the middle of the shop. “Actually, I think it's best if one of our tattoo artists checks it. He usually covers up old tattoos and scars. Just come with me.”
Yushi nodded, hastily re-buckling his belt. He followed Anton like a curious cat, nearly walking into a display of aftercare ointments.
“Sion!” Anton called. “We have a guy here, sorry-” He turned back abruptly. “What's your name?”
“Tokuno Yushi.”
“We have Takeru Yushi here, he wants to cover up some mark with a tattoo, would you mind checking it for me? Gotta call Jisung.”
“It’s actually Tokuno-” Yushi raised his finger.
“Sorry,” He mimicked him, “It’s Toku-”
From behind a curtain, a bored voice drawled.
“Let him in.”
Anton swept the curtain aside with a dramatic flourish, ushering Yushi into the back room. Yushi took one step in and immediately wanted to turn around.
The room was scary. Very scary. And the boy sitting on one stool, tattooing a piece of… plastic? It was scarier, but the movement made the muscles in his bare arms flex in a way that Yushi almost forgot that piece of plastic could be his skin.
It was painted black, of course, with hundreds of designs in different posters around it, loosely hung. It also had a couple of full-body mirrors and one big ass light on the ceiling, pointing directly at one black leather tattoo chair. It just looked like an operating room, but for Lucifer himself. The only difference was that the boy sitting, who turned around to look at Yushi, looked nothing like a surgeon.
The black tank top might as well have been painted on, too, clinging to every ridge of his torso. Those baggy jeans hung low enough to reveal sharp lines of his hips. His boots added at least three inches of height, making him tower over Yushi in a way that should be illegal. He almost couldn’t tell his shiny silver hair apart from the blinding light over him.
But the tattoos…god, the tattoos.
Ink coiled around his biceps like living vines, disappearing under his sleeves only to reappear at his collarbones and neck, in intricate patterns, Yushi wanted to trace with his tongue. Even his fingers were decorated, the knuckles bearing tiny symbols that made Yushi's imagination run wild.
“Hello?” Sion's voice snapped Yushi back to reality.
“Hi! I'm- I'm-” Yushi's voice cracked spectacularly. He bowed so low he nearly headbutted his own knees. “Yushi. Tokuno Yushi. Sir.”
Sir? Get a grip. He can’t be more than four years older than you.
Yushi’s mind started his usual internal monologue.
But that means he’s almost thirty… fuck, I need-
Sion's eyebrow arched. “I heard. I’m Sion.”
“I heard too!” Yushi squeaked, then immediately wanted to throw himself through the window. “I, uh, I want to cover up a... thing. On my thigh.” He gestured vaguely at his leg like he'd forgotten how limbs worked.
“Is it a scar?”
“Uhm no… it’s… it’s a birthmark.”
“Uhm, okay,” Sion said, stepping closer. The scent of antiseptic and something woodsy wrapped around Yushi like an intoxicating fog. “Let's see it then.”
Yushi nodded, already unbuckling his belt.
“You can get ready over there. I’ll be here in a second.” Sion added quickly, gesturing to the leather chair.
Yushi waddled to the chair, jeans pooling around his ankles as he hopped onto the cold leather. He swung his legs like a kid at a doctor’s appointment, then froze.
Wait, should I look casual or…?
He folded his hands in his lap. Too formal.
Crossed his arms. Too defensive.
Finally, he just let them dangle limply at his sides. The curtain rustled, and Yushi slapped his thighs together so fast he almost pinched himself.
Sion sat on the rolling stool, glasses slipping down his nose as he scanned Yushi’s bare legs.
“Okay, so, where is it?”
“Uhm, uh, here.”
Yushi parted his knees, just slightly, then, after an awkward pause, hiked one leg up onto the chair, foot and all.
Sion leaned in. “This?”
A gloved thumb pressed lightly against the pink mark. Yushi shivered, then nodded.
“It’s pretty small.”
“Really?”
Yushi whispered. He’d spent the last week staring at it in the mirror, convinced it had grown.
“Yeah… what did you have in mind to cover it?”
“I’m pretty much okay with everything.” Yushi confessed, easily talking after Sion stopped examining his leg, “What do you think it would look nice?”
Sion blinked. “Me?” Sion asked, confused, “Are you asking me what to cover your tiny birthmark with?”
“Yes?” Yushi’s voice pitched up. “I just- I’ve never had a tattoo before, and you have a lot.” He gestured vaguely at Sion’s arms, which were, frankly, a lot to take in.
Sion snorted. “Yeah, but I chose them.” Sion’s façade softened a bit, laughing fondly at Yushi’s innocent words, “Why do you want to cover it? Maybe we can think of something you really want.”
Yushi’s mouth went dry.
How could he explain?
A guy I barely remember called it weird, and now I can’t stop thinking about it, and suddenly wearing shorts makes me want to crawl out of my skin, and-
“I just… thought it might look better covered?” he tried weakly.
Sion studied him for a long moment.
“You know birthmarks are just… part of you, right? You don’t have to change them.”
Yushi stared at his own knees, hearing every word. He was sure he was half pressured to say that because he was a tattoo artist, but it was still nice to hear.
“Unless you want to,” Sion added, softer now. “Then we can make it into something cool. But it’s gotta be your choice.”
Yushi swallowed.
His choice… The words rattled in Yushi's skull like loose change.
When was the last time he'd made a decision that wasn't just him folding like a cheap lawn chair under someone else's opinion?
“I want it covered, I just don’t know what I want,” Yushi said, not wanting to think about it a minute longer.
He needed this fixed, needed it gone, needed to stop feeling like his own skin was something he had to apologize for. If he was that anxious and it had only been a week, he didn’t imagine how worse it could get.
“Okay, then let’s see.”
Sion placed some see-through paper on top of it and outlined it with a ballpen. His veins were visible as he traced the lines, and only a couple of seconds later, he raised the piece of paper, showing it to Yushi.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” He said, handing him the paper.
Yushi looked at it intensively, turning it around ninety degrees. Then another ninety.
“Why does it look like a strawberry?”
“Hadn’t you realized before?” Sion softly laughed, like he was amused.
“Honestly? No, I just, I barely realized what it looked like until a week ago.” Heat crawled up Yushi's neck, his tongue slipped. “Anyway, I want a strawberry.”
“It already has the shape of-”
“Then color it!”
“It’s also pretty pink-”
“Then draw a fucking stem, dude!”
Yushi's voice cracked, too loud in the sterile space. His hands trembled where they gripped the chair edges. Why was Sion making this so difficult? It should be simple: mark bad, tattoo good. No questions. No looking at him like that.
“Okay, but I can’t do it now. Can you come this Friday? At eleven?”
“Mmm, I’m not sure, can it be later?”
He had promised Ryo that he was going to check out his new place, and he wanted to bring him breakfast, so the hour was a bit tricky.
“Okay, let me just.” Sion took his phone out, and Yushi clasped his legs together again. “Sorry, I just, I usually take a picture to do my design on top of it. If you are uncomfortable with that, I can just work with the outline I just did, but-”
“No, it’s okay.”
Yushi parted his legs again, biting his nails so he couldn’t think about how close Sion's hand was getting. He placed his index finger and his thumb over it, still covered with the black latex glove, and he took a couple of pictures. The click of the camera shutter sounded like judgment. Yushi felt his skin was soft under his touch, and it almost made him cringe, but Sion didn’t comment on it.
“Perfect, thank you,” Sion said as he finished, removing his hand from Yushi’s thigh. “Want me to send you the design as soon as I have it?”
“That would be perfect.”
“Here.” Sion took a business card out of one box he had on a small table near the stool. “Text me and I’ll get it to you.”
“Okay, thank you,” Yushi said, jumping out of the chair. “And how much would it be?”
“It’s usually depending on the size, but since it’s pretty small… I think it won’t be more than thirty dollars.” He said, standing up, removing his gloves.
It shouldn’t be as attractive as Yushi perceived it.
“Oh, okay! Cheaper than I thought.”
“As I told you, it’s pretty small.” He explained patiently, picking up his things.
“How much did yours cost?”
The question leapt out unbidden. Anything to delay the moment when he'd have to leave and sit with this buzzing under his skin.
“Look, I really need to hurry, but just text me, okay?” Sion's smile didn't reach his eyes.
“Yeah, okay, no problem. I’ll do.”
Sion walked Yushi out of the room. He said goodbye to him, then to Anton, who was talking on the phone, and he went to his house directly.
His house door clicked shut behind him. Guilt stabbed at Yushi's pupils.
Fuck groceries. Fuck Sion's judgy silence. Fuck his birthmark and the stranger who'd pointed at it like it was wrong.
He unlocked his phone and quickly saved the number from the business card. Then he texted him, desperate.
yushi
hi it’s me
tokuno yushi
just so you have my number
The reply came three days later, and Yushi was so close to having an aneurysm. He’d checked his phone so often his thumb had developed a muscle memory for unlocking it. Had he mistyped the number? Had Sion blocked him? Was this some kind of cosmic punishment for wanting one thing for himself? On Thursday night, just as Yushi was debating storming into the tattoo parlor to demand answers, or at least to leave a dramatic, awful review, his screen finally lit up.
oh sion tattoo guy :p
hi
sorry for the late reply
i cant do the tattoo im sorry
Yushi wanted to cry. He had been looking for strawberry-like tattoos since the visit, imagining how it would look, hoping Sion would send something similar, only for him to send him that bullshit?
yushi
uhmm, okay
oh sion tattoo guy :p
im really sorry i just
i don’t know
can i call you?
Yushi’s finger hovered over the screen. Sion was currently tied for third place on his ‘Least Favorite People’ list after the banker who’d scoffed at him for not bringing his ID to do some big transaction and the guy from the last hookup. He knew they were probably worse options, but he was right after them.
yushi
yes
He hit send before he could think about it twice, but the screen lit up with a call. He picked it up and stood up from the couch.
“Hi, is this Yushi?” Sion’s voice was quieter than he remembered, almost hesitant.
“Yes.”
Yushi’s grip on the phone tightened. He stood up, pacing like a caged animal.
“Hi look, I’m… I’m sorry for not replying, I just…”
“You don’t know how to fix it, right?” Yushi interrupted him.
“It’s not that, I have drawn things, I just… Why would you say fix it? I just, I think you are going to regret it, and I don’t want to be part of that.”
“So you just want to wash your hands of this.”
“Are you even listening to yourself?” Sion’s tone shifted, frustration bleeding through. “You’re acting like you’ve got some huge, horrible mark, Yushi. It’s tiny. It’s fine. And the way you’re obsessing over it is making me crazy. I don’t want to do this.”
“Then don’t? I really don’t get why you-”
“I’m saying I don’t think you actually want a tattoo,” Sion cut in. “You should think twice. That’s all.”
“Oh okay.” Yushi faked his tone, “Thank you for nothing, Sion. Don’t ever think I’ll recommend you.”
“I don’t need a recommend-”
Yushi stabbed the end call button so hard his nail bent.
For a moment, he just stood there, trembling. Then, like a man possessed, he stormed back to the living room, yanking open drawers until he found his art supplies. Being a kindergarten teacher had its benefits after all. He searched obsessively for a green marker, pausing for a second if it should be glittery or not. He grabbed the plain one, as glitter felt too much like celebrating, and he was far from celebrating. He dropped to the floor, hiking up his shorts, leg extended, and started drawing.
His hand shook as he pressed the marker to his skin. The stem took shape in jagged lines, the ink cool against his flushed thigh. He added leaves, a little curl at the top... He detailed it until he was satisfied with it, and when he thought it was the cutest thing he had ever seen, he snapped a picture and sent it to Sion.
yushi
[attachment]
see
see how cute this is
you just lost 30 dollars
Then he turned his phone off and threw it across the couch, but he ran to it as soon as it buzzed seconds after.
oh sion tattoo guy :p
see
see how you didnt want a tattoo
you just wanted the mark to look cute
and it already looks cute
you just saved 30 dollars
Yushi gasped so hard he choked on his own spit.
The audacity this man had? The nerve?
He was dialing before his brain caught up. Sion answered on the first ring.
“I can’t believe you are harassing me over a tiny strawberry mark.” He said, like he was enjoying the situation.
“Why did you say that?” Yushi demanded, pacing so aggressively he almost tripped over his own feet.
“That it was cute?”
“No, you dumbass, the other thing.”
“Oh, that you didn’t want a tattoo?” Sion’s smirk was practically audible.
“How did you know?”
“Because nobody in a right state of mind would want that tiny thing covered.” Sion said, voice sure, “At least with ink.”
“And what made you think I’m in a right state of mind?” Yushi shot back, then immediately regretted it when Sion laughed.
“I’m not really sure you are after this tantrum you are throwing,” Sion teased.
Yushi let out a desperate, half-hysterical laugh. The dam broke.
“I just wanted to cover it because some guy I hooked up with last week said it looked weird, and now I can’t stop staring at it, and-” His voice cracked.
“Don’t you like strawberries?”
“I love them! They are my favorite fruit.” Yushi admitted, defensive.
“Then?” Sion suggested, like the answer was obvious.
“I also didn’t realize it looked like a strawberry until you pointed it out.”
“So now that you know how cute it looks, do you still want to get it covered?”
“Maybe not,” he mumbled.
“I should delete the designs, then. And the pictures.”
Yushi bit his lip. Was he flirting? Sion had seemed so cold in person, all sharp edges and judging stares… Yushi would even describe him as heartless, but the words he was saying were so meaningful, he didn’t know anymore if that was even true.
“You can keep them,” Yushi said, too quickly. “But I want them too.”
“Okay, I’ll send them over.”
His phone buzzed instantly. The designs were perfect: playful, delicate, each one making the birthmark look intentional, cherished. The last one, a tiny strawberry with a vine curling around his thigh, made his chest ache.
“Oh my god, I love the last one! I kinda want to get it done now,” he admitted.
“Please don’t.” Sion laughed worriedly. “That one would hurt like hell.”
Yushi lost himself in that laugh for a minute, almost forgetting they were still on the phone until Sion spoke again.
“So… is that all?”
“Do you need to hurry again?” Yushi asked, half mad at Sion’s habit of disappearing when they were about to finish their conversation.
“Actually, yes, I’m late to dinner.”
“You are really busy, huh?”
“I’m free tomorrow night.”
Yushi couldn’t believe his words… He was definitely flirting.
“And what if I’m not?” Yushi tried.
“It would be one, a shame,” Sion said, slow and deliberate, “two, a lie.”
Yushi rolled his eyes but smiled. He was already getting on his nerves, and he only saw him once.
“I’m free also.”
“Nine at the tattoo shop?” Sion continued. “Not to get a tattoo, okay?”
“Okay,” Yushi said, grinning at the ceiling.