Chapter Text
“This week’s Rumor Report, hot off the presses! Get it while copies last!”
Wooyoung handed off another copy of the school newspaper to a girl and her friends, grinning as they all huddled around to read the front page. He strode through the central promenade that cut through the middle of campus with purpose, handing out copies to those who reached for them, the stack in his arms quickly dwindling in size.
He was proud of this volume; it contained some of his best content yet. The newspaper had come a long way since he had started it in his freshman year. At first, it had been a stupid idea concocted by himself and San one late night in their shared dorm. They had never really expected anything to come of it, but the first volume they had ever made had been so successful that it had landed them right in the campus disciplinary office.
Running a school newspaper was usually a regulated affair; in fact, he was pretty sure that there used to be a different one when he first started university, but it had been dreadfully boring and thus neglected by the entire student body. Any kind of news regulated by the school was rendered mind-numbing as a result, because they wouldn’t allow any of the real gossip to be published and circulated.
So, San and Wooyoung had been ordered to never publish a second volume, and their dream had died in the disciplinary office alongside all of the other fun ideas that had come along over the years and been swiftly put to death.
But Wooyoung had never been one to lie down and take a scolding, so he did some digging. With Yeosang’s help, he rifled through the legal limitations placed on university clubs and organizations, and he discovered that he could not be reprimanded for creating a private newspaper, with no blatant relation to the university.
All he needed to do was change the name from the Seoul University Scoop (San’s idea - Wooyoung had hated it from the start, but hadn’t been able to come up with anything better) to the Rumor Report, an unaffiliated gossip round-up written by a seemingly anonymous author.
Upon the circulation of the first volume of the Rumor Report, Wooyoung and San had found themselves back in the disciplinary office, but this time they had played innocent. Their names were printed nowhere on the newspaper, so the faculty members who tried to incriminate them were unable to do anything. When they were finally dismissed, Wooyoung left a crisp new copy of the Rumor Report behind, just to screw with them.
Ever since then, the two of them had published their newspaper in peace, and its popularity only continued to grow over the dozens of volumes they printed and circulated. The university faculty clearly hated it; he had been sent to the disciplinary office several more times for distributing the newspaper, but he kept a handy copy of the university rules in his school bag, as well as the overarching regulations from the government’s educational department.
As soon as he pulled out his mountain of receipts, they always let him go. He had it down to a science, at this point.
The volume he passed around now was #112, and he was in the second half of his junior year at the university. They had published a weekly volume almost every week since the creation of the newspaper, aside from the summer months and a few other holidays, and Wednesdays on campus were widely known as the release day for the latest volume.
Every Wednesday, Wooyoung walked through campus with his stack of newspapers, and every week, he gave away every last copy. San handed out a stack of his own as well, though they both made it clear to anyone who asked that they were not the ones who wrote it.
“Oi, Wooyoung! Bet it’s another banger this week,” said a miscellaneous frat boy, his name blending into the dozens of others that Wooyoung had filed away, never to recall again. He smiled at the guy and handed him a copy, receiving a firm clap on the shoulder. “I don’t understand how you guys get a new copy out every week.”
Wooyoung grinned, shaking his head. “Nah, I don’t write it. I’m just the messenger.” He winked as he said it, moving on.
No one truly believed that; everyone knew that he wrote it, for his humor was embedded in every page. He wrote most of the articles, aside from the ones submitted by specially featured guests, and San was responsible for the editing and design components. But as long as they never admitted to their contributions aloud, they could not be penalized.
He handed out a few more copies, and already he could see groups of friends gathering on the vast green lawn that spread through campus, giggling and pointing at the pages. There were few things in life that Wooyoung considered himself to have mastered, but entertainment was certainly one. He had been the resident class clown in every class he had ever been in since the ripe age of three, and though he was a nuisance, teachers tended to love him.
The central promenade stretched across the whole campus, cutting diagonally across the rectangular lawn, which was bordered by all of the campus buildings. The cobbles under his feet were dirtied with age, and the buildings were made from crumbling, ivy-covered stone, but something about this place was warm, inviting. Wooyoung had been everywhere on this campus, and the student body was fairly small, so he knew most people in his year. Nearly everyone knew him, though, students and faculty alike. and he called out greetings here and there as he strolled along.
When only a few copies of the paper remained in his arms, he noticed a familiar figure up ahead, and he immediately perked up. Oh, this would be fun. He was dreadfully bored; he hadn’t had reason to laugh for over ten minutes.
“Professor Park!” he called, waving a hand over his head as he cut his way through the students meandering along the promenade. His mouth stretched into a wide grin, already imagining how this would go. He loved Professor Park, but he was kind of a total prude.
His biology lab professor was tall and lean, for once not wearing the lab coat that hung from his shoulders to his knees, always meticulously pressed, not a wrinkle in sight. The same could not be said for Wooyoung’s lab coat - it had about as many wrinkles as a discarded candy bar wrapper on Halloween, crushed underfoot by herds of raucous children.
Okay, well maybe it wasn’t quite that bad, but it certainly wasn’t pretty.
Professor Park always dressed to the heights of professionalism, with a button-down shirt tucked into dress pants, both of which were also ironed to perfection. A pair of thin-rimmed glasses perched over the bridge of a strong nose, and his hair was cut to his chin, thick and silky. His posture was perfect, lips pursed as he walked across the promenade, headed to wherever professors go when they have breaks between classes.
In short, he was far too gorgeous to teach on this campus that tended to smell of mildew and old books, but yet here he was, and the entire student body was grateful for it. Wooyoung had heard all the stories of students changing their majors or adding a new minor just to have Professor Park, and none of them surprised him. He was a great professor, and he was also excellent eye candy. What more was there to say?
He called out again, and this time Professor Park heard him, looking in his direction. Wooyoung jogged right up to him, bundle of newspapers tucked under his arm as he stopped beside his professor, falling into step with him.
“Weren’t you just headed the other way, Wooyoung?” Professor Park asked, but Wooyoung shook his head.
“Nah. Just passing out this week’s newspaper.” He looked down at the stack of papers, as if just remembering them. “Hey, do you want one? I still have plenty left.”
Professor Park looked down at the papers as well, smiling apologetically and shaking his head. “No, it’s alright. Give them to your fellow students.”
But Wooyoung did not back down so easily; he removed the first paper from the stack, pressing it against Professor Park’s chest. His arms reflexively wrapped around it, and Wooyoung let go with a wink. “Take it. I want you to have one. I have plenty more.”
The look he received then was one of exasperation, an expression he was quite familiar with when Professor Park was involved. “Wooyoung, it’s really not appropriate for me to read something like this. I don’t know much about it, but I know all your student gossip is in here, and I would rather not know all of those details about my students. Please, take it back.” He held out the newspaper for Wooyoung to take, but Wooyoung was already walking away, deviating from the promenade to walk backwards across the thick grass of the lawn.
“Just look through it!” he insisted, laughing to himself as Professor Park stood there, the paper extended towards no one. “You’re in this volume, you know. I think you’ll like what you find.”
With that last word, Wooyoung turned around and walked across the grass, towards the usual meeting place of himself and his friends. Along the way, he handed off the last few copies of the newspaper, holding onto the last one for himself. Whistling happily, he gripped the straps of his backpack, kicking at the largest tufts of grass in his path. It was a beautiful day; the sun was high in the sky, only a few clouds stranded in the sea of blue.
When he saw the group of his friends gathered beneath the shade of a large oak tree, various snacks and drinks littering the grass between them, he rushed over to join them. Taking his natural place between San and Yeosang, his two roommates since freshman year, he set down his bag and tossed the newspaper to the grass. “Another successful week.”
Yunho and Mingi had been lying flat against the grass, staring up at the clouds as they floated along and changed shape, but at Wooyoung’s voice they both sat back up, expressions eager. “And the results are out?” Wooyoung nodded, grinning as they snatched up the paper, rifling through the pages as they searched for this week’s main segment.
Anonymously, of course, Wooyoung had created a poll for this week’s issue. Polls were one of his favorite ways to draw attention to the newspaper and increase his audience, and he liked to involve the student body whenever possible. The paper was named the Rumor Report, after all; he had to be incredibly in touch with the opinions of his fellow students in order to live up to the name.
This week’s poll was centered around the university’s professors: namely, a question of which one was the hottest. Now, to Wooyoung, this was an easy question to answer, but it had caused a ripple of dissent to spread throughout the campus. At various times during the week, he had overhead conversation after conversation centered around the poll, arguments between friends over who would win. In some cases, bets were even placed over the results, and he had to laugh to himself when he considered the reactions of those gamblers when they saw the newspaper itself.
The issue was not that the university was chock full of attractive professors; in fact, that could not have been less accurate. About 95% of the professors employed by the university were over the age of seventy, and that automatically disqualified them from any debate about hotness.
(Well, to most sane people, at least. Mingi had made a case for Professor Lim, his seventy-four year old history professor. Yunho and Jongho had locked him out of their dorm room that night, too disturbed to be near him.)
Most of the professors who occupied that other 5%, the younger-than-seventy age bracket, were vaguely mousy in appearance, probably a result of spending their lives drowning in books. Either that, or they were strict enough with their students to cancel out any potential hotness.
That left only two professors remaining who were truly viable for the title of hottest professor on campus. Professor Park, of course, for that man was downright ethereal. He belonged on a runway somewhere, not in this sea of old professors and half-asleep students. For some reason, though, he chose to stay here, and he took his job in the medical sciences department very seriously. He was almost too invested, not a single component of his classroom out of place, his lab periods structured and his lectures expertly planned. He never strayed from the topic at hand, and it added to his appeal, for Wooyoung himself had spent hours with his friends trying to guess what Professor Park’s life was like outside of his job.
The other professor in the running, Professor Kim, could not be more his opposite. He was an arts professor, and he taught several courses on art, art history, and music. He basically carried the entire arts department on his back, and his students loved him. Organization was not his strong suit; his classrooms were all a mess of materials and papers, and most of the time his face was splattered with stray bits of paint, but he was the most laidback professor on campus. Where Professor Park was uptight, he was chill, and Wooyoung had never seen him the least bit bothered by anything.
In short, they were nothing alike, and thus the student body was more divided over this vote than they had been over the last election. That was a bit depressing to admit, but no one took hotness more seriously than drained students in their twenties. They leapt at the chance to debate over something that wasn’t going to be on an exam, and debate they did.
Even Wooyoung’s own friend group had been divided, and now they all leaned over the paper, eager to read the results. Only Wooyoung and San abstained, glancing at each other and sharing a devious grin. The campus would be in uproar in no time, and they loved being the ringleaders of the circus.
“A tie?” Yunho blurted, staring at Wooyoung and San in disbelief. “This has to be a joke. Except I know it’s not, because you two are not the type of people to go the ‘participation trophy, everybody wins’ route. But so many of us voted! How could it possibly be a tie?”
Hiding a laugh with his hand, Wooyoung shrugged his shoulders. “All we did was report the numbers we received. As it turns out, there is not one professor on this campus who deserves the title of the hottest, but two.”
In truth, when Wooyoung had first checked the final results of the poll, he had been equally as baffled. Over the years, he had perfected his methods to prevent cheating, but he couldn’t fathom how thousands of votes cast could still result in a perfect tie. A perfect tie - votes equal on both sides, not one hanging in the balance.
He had gone through the votes three whole times before he was finally willing to admit that somehow, the student body had remained divided on the issue until the very end. In a shocking turn of events, both Professor Park and Professor Kim had been named joint champions, sharing the title of hottest professor. It was almost poetic.
“I mean, I guess it makes sense,” Jongho commented, leaning back on his hands, fingers dimpling the dirt. “It comes down to a matter of taste, really. They’re both equally hot; the debate was more so about preference.”
“Exactly,” San replied, nodding along. “A complete tie was unexpected, but we posed a question to the people, and the people gave us our answer. What more is there to say?”
Still, Yunho did not look thrilled, and he dug around in the front pocket of his backpack to pull out the envelope he had been using to hold onto bet money. “What the hell am I supposed to do with this, now? I collected money from, like, twenty people! Do I just have to give it all back?”
“Yeah probably,” said Yeosang.
“Nah, just keep it,” said Wooyoung.
“Please, don’t listen to him,” pleaded Jongho. “Give it back to them. No one won or lost, so all bets are off.”
Grumbling, Yunho tucked the envelope away again, lying back down on the grass. “I’ve had enough of your damn newspaper. All that drama for nothing.”
Wooyoung snickered. “Oh, it was for something, alright. My own amusement.”
Ripping up a fistful of grass, Yunho chucked it at Wooyoung, though most of it got caught in the wind and blew off. “You’re evil,” he said, pressing his palms over his eyes. “I should know better than to trust in anything you’ve created. You never cease to fail me.”
Dissolving into laughter, Wooyoung watched as Jongho and Mingi continued to flip through the newspaper, skimming over the rest of the articles. Most of it was regular weekly segments: Who’s Kissing Who?, What’s on the Menu, and This Weekend’s Bangers, among others. There were a few juicy pieces of gossip in the anonymous submissions towards the end, as well as a Q&A with the frat guy who had jumped from the roof of the library onto a mini trampoline on a dare a few weeks prior. He had broken his leg, and had only just returned to campus last week.
The poll results were the true highlight of the issue, and Wooyoung caught snippets of discussion from those around them, all centered around the tie.
“Professor Park deserved that win, are you serious-”
“-attractive, yes, but Professor Kim is so friendly-”
“-too intimidating. Professor Kim is just as hot, and he’s so chill.”
“No, you don’t get it. The intimidation is the whole reason why he’s so-”
Smiling to himself, Wooyoung let his head hang back, the wind ruffling his hair away from his face. In the end, both professors were hot. There was no denying that; like Jongho had said, choosing between the two was a matter of preference. They were polar opposites, so it was no wonder the poll had been so polarizing.
Complete, polar opposites.
All of a sudden, Wooyoung had an idea.
He leaned forward, waving his hands to beckon his friends forward. “Come here,” he whispered, ignoring their odd looks. “I just thought of something, but we have to keep it down. Lean in.”
They followed his lead, leaning their heads in until the six of them formed a tight circle, faces so close together that Wooyoung could’ve sunk his teeth right into Yeosang’s cheek. He didn’t, mostly because he didn’t want to get punched for it, but the thought crossed his mind.
“Why do you think the vote came out as a perfect tie?” he asked, scanning the faces of his friends, making no effort to hold back his grin. They knew he was up to something, mostly because he was always up to something.
“Because they’re both hot,” Jongho supplied, raising a brow. “We’ve been over this.”
“Yes, but what really matters here is that they could not be more opposite, hence the even split. And, well, we all know the saying.” He waited for one of them to finish his thought, but they all just stared at him blankly. “‘Opposites attract’? Does that ring any sort of bell in your numb skulls?”
San caught on first; no surprise there. He was Wooyoung’s usual partner in crime for a reason. “You don’t mean…” He trailed off, lips curving into a wicked grin of his own. “Oh, that’s genius. That’ll make for some great material for the newspaper.”
“What exactly are we planning here?” Mingi asked, looking between Wooyoung and San. “The poll is already over. There’s no sense in a re-do.”
Clicking his tongue, Wooyoung shook his head. “Let me spell it out for you. Professor Park and Professor Kim are polar opposites in basically every way. One is neat, the other is the embodiment of chaos. One is composed, one is laidback. One is a scientist, one is an artist. I could go on and on. The one thing they have in common is that they’re both young and hot. So, I think we need to do what is necessary to maximize their hotness by getting them together - ‘opposites attract’, and all that. We would be doing them both a service.”
The reactions he received were split; San and Mingi looked eager, while Yunho, Yeosang, and Jongho were looking at Wooyoung like he deserved to be locked up somewhere. That didn’t dull his enthusiasm, however; he laughed at the three of them, reaching out to grab Yeosang’s collar before he could stand up to leave. “Tough crowd. Hear me out, will you?”
“These are our professors,” Yunho hissed, looking over his shoulder to make sure that the subjects of their conversation hadn’t magically appeared behind him. “You make it sound like setting them up on a date would be easy! We aren’t friends with them; they have to be professional with us. You’re being crazy.”
“We wouldn’t just go right up to them and give it all away. What do you take me for? I have more finesse than that.” Within the last minute since this idea had occurred to him, Wooyoung had already pieced together the framework of a plan, and he was confident that it would work. “We would have to do this in stages, creating scenarios to bring the two of them together. I mean, as far as we know, they’ve never even interacted, right?”
Jongho shook his head. “No, I don’t think they have. They teach on opposite ends of campus, and if they were friends, we would already know about it. Professor Kim has mentioned a few friends in his department, but I don’t think he even knows who Professor Park is.”
Perfect. Wooyoung surveyed the faces of his friends, and even Yeosang seemed a bit interested now, no longer trying to leave. “Guys, come on. If we could pull this off, it would be legendary. All we have to do is make them aware of each other, and then try to get them to the same places on campus at the same time. They’re both hot - they’ll see each other and fall in love. Trust me.”
“I think you’re severely underestimating how difficult it might be to do that,” Jongho said, “but it sounds like fun. I’m in.”
“You’re also placing way too much weight on their looks. Yes, they’re both hot, but they have nothing in common and probably won’t even like each other,” Yeosang pointed out, always a realist.
Wooyoung elbowed him in the ribs, snickering when he was slapped in retaliation. “Even if that happens, it’s fine. It would make for some fun gossip, anyway.” He slapped his hand down on the newspaper, where it rested in between the six of them. “It would just be a bit of fun. A special operation, one to keep secret at all costs. If you’re in, put your hand in.”
In succession, all six hands of his friends landed on top of his own, a leaning stack of mischief. Wooyoung’s grin stretched across his face, and his expression was reflected in the faces around him. It hadn’t taken much convincing to bring them aboard; it never did.
“We need an operation name,” he said, the weight of five hands pressing his palm down into the newspaper. “Any ideas?”
A few terrible names were thrown out there, like the Hotness Heist and Operation Ovulation (“That doesn’t even make the slightest bit of sense, San”), but eventually Yunho came to the rescue.
“The Professor Plot,” he suggested. “Has that same alliterative ring to it, but it actually makes sense.”
“The Hotness Heist made sense!” Mingi protested.
“It’s tacky.”
“You’re tacky.”
Despite Mingi’s initial protests, they all agreed that the Professor Plot was the best name they were going to come up with, and Wooyoung was beginning to lose circulation in his hand. “Let the Professor Plot commence!” he declared, and they all threw their hands up into the sky, cheering.
They stayed there on the lawn for a while longer, planning out each stage of the operation. With all six of their minds working together, they were all quite proud of what they came up with.
And thus, the plan began.
~
STAGE ONE: PART ONE
Wooyoung strolled into his music theory class with a rolled newspaper in his hands and mischief on his mind. He was a few minutes late, but Professor Kim never cared much about that; he was usually late in beginning his lessons, anyway. Most of the desks were already occupied, and he dropped his backpack down into his usual seat, with San in front of him and Yeosang behind.
The three of them had managed to get into the same section of the course this semester, and San leaned his head back to look at Wooyoung, sending him a subtle wink. He raised the newspaper in his hand, a silent message that stage one was underway, before strolling up through the aisle of desks.
At the front of the room, Professor Kim sat hunched behind his desk, his posture quite poor as he read through the papers in front of him. He was small in frame, around the same size as Wooyoung himself, and he wore his typical paint-splattered smock hooked around his neck and tied around his middle, a worn flannel peeking out from underneath. This wasn’t even an art class, but when he looked up at Wooyoung, he had a brushstroke of red paint under his eye. His hair hung into his eyes, a perfectly messy mop on top of his head.
“Hey, Wooyoung,” he greeted, leaning back in his chair, a natural smile curving his mouth. “Do you need help with something?”
Wooyoung shook his head, adopting his best look of innocence. He had been practicing it basically since birth, so it was quite impressive. “No, nothing like that. I just wanted to give you a copy of the school newspaper, if you were interested. A new edition just came out today.”
He held out the newspaper, and Professor Kim looked at it, though he made no move to take it. Damn. What was with these teachers and their nobility? If Wooyoung were in their shoes, he would want to know all the gossip available about his students.
“Thank you, but I don’t think I’m really the intended audience,” he declined kindly. “I’m sure it’s wonderful, though. I know you work hard on it.”
Still holding out the newspaper, Wooyoung shook his head. “No idea what you’re talking about. I don’t write it - it’s obviously anonymous.” He grinned as he said it, and Professor Kim chuckled, catching on to his lie. “I’m afraid I can’t take no for an answer, though. You have to look - you’re actually featured in this week’s issue. Don’t you want to know what the student body has to say about you?” He wiggled his brows, dropping the paper down onto Professor Kim’s desk.
Professor Kim turned a slight shade of green. “There is nothing I want less, actually,” he said, looking at the paper like it was going to cause him bodily harm. “Young adults are ruthless.”
Well, he did have a point there, but Wooyoung rushed to assuage his worries. “No, it’s all good things,” he reassured. “I promise. Everyone else can attest to that, right?” He turned to look at the rest of the class to find that they were already listening in on the conversation. A few of them had newspaper copies of their own on their desks, and they all echoed his words, eager to see Professor Kim’s reaction to the poll.
With a triumphant smile, Wooyoung looked back at Professor Kim, hands resting on his hips. “See? Just take a look. You’ll like what you find inside.” Hopefully in more than one way.
Eyeing the newspaper, Professor Kim let out a resigned sigh. “Fine,” he said, swiveling his chair towards the table that connected to his desk. He normally used it to project material onto the board at the front of the room, but now he put the newspaper down on the table, reaching for the projector that hovered above. He turned it on and adjusted the height to focus on the newspaper’s front page.
While he was busy, Wooyoung turned around to look at his friends. They both shot him a thumbs-up, and Wooyoung couldn’t believe his luck. He had expected Professor Kim to tuck the newspaper away with assurances to look through it later - not for him to project the pages for the entire class to see. This was even better than any of the scenarios Wooyoung had concocted in his head on the way to class, and he was giddy with anticipation.
“Wooyoung, you may take a seat now,” Professor Kim said, looking up from the newspaper to raise a brow in his direction. “Or is there something else?”
“Not a thing,” Wooyoung replied with a blinding grin, a subtle skip to his step as he returned to his seat. He moved his bag off of the chair and slid behind his desk, leaning forward and placing his hands on San’s shoulders, whispering in his ear. “This is priceless.”
San muffled a laugh with his hand, and they watched as Professor Kim finished setting up the projector. The front page of the newspaper was displayed on the board for the whole class to see, and he cleared his throat now. “I’m a bit scared to see what’s inside,” he said, expression sheepish as the class laughed. “You better not be misleading me here. Do Re Mi, you guys are scaring me.”
Do Re Mi was Professor Kim’s nickname for Wooyoung, San, and Yeosang, for the three of them had been in his classes together numerous times. They liked to cause trouble and he knew it, but they all shook their heads innocently now.
“It’s nothing bad,” Yeosang replied, taking the lead as the most trustworthy of their group. Professor Kim had a soft spot for him. “I think you’ll be flattered.”
“Alright. If you insist.” Professor Kim flipped open the newspaper, scanning over the pages as he rifled through the various segments. The poll results were on the fifth page, and when he reached that point, he withdrew his hands as he read through the printed text. Wooyoung sat forward in his seat, hands braced under his chin.
When he realized what the article was about, he failed to hide his smile. “This is ridiculous,” he said, though he was clearly pleased. “Hottest professor on campus? Is this really what you kids talk about?”
“Well, you tied for the title of hottest professor, so I’m afraid you’ll have to share it with the other winner,” San called out from his seat, assuming a nonchalant tone. “Professor Park. Do you know him?”
Professor Kim glanced back down at the newspaper, and this time he found the two pictures of the winners printed at the bottom of the page. They were taken from the faculty profiles on the university website, and the two of them even looked hot in those photos. It really wasn’t fair. “No,” Professor Kim said after a brief pause. “I’m afraid I don’t.”
“Well, what do you think?” Wooyoung pressed, his tongue loosening as a product of his glee. God, this was going so much better than he had hoped. “Is he worthy of sharing the title?”
“Wooyoung, shut up,” Yeosang hissed from behind him, quiet enough for only him to hear. “You’re going overboard.”
But Professor Kim seemed to consider the question. That was why Wooyoung loved him - most of the time, he was willing to indulge the whims of his students. He looked up with a grin, shrugging his shoulders. “If I’m being honest, I think he should’ve won.”
Bingo. Oh, their plan was totally going to work.
“Don’t sell yourself short, professor!” called one of the other students in the class, and Professor Kim turned bashful, switching off the projector and swiveling back to his desk to begin the lesson. But Wooyoung hardly paid any attention after that; he pulled out his phone and sent out a text from beneath his desk.
WEDNESDAY 4:47 PM
Wooyoung
u guys wont believe what just happened
Yunho
stage one part one was a success i hope???
pls tell me u didnt blow it already
San
oh it was a success alright
we got our work cut out for us
Wooyoung
i asked him about prof park
he confirmed that they dont know each other
and he LITERALLY said that park shoulda won the poll
if only u had seen his face
this is gonna be way easier than we thought
Jongho
on kim’s end at least
we gotta make sure park saw the article too
Mingi
stage one part two here we come!!
~
STAGE ONE: PART TWO
For the first time in his entire life, Wooyoung was practically bouncing off the walls out of pure excitement for his biology lab on Friday. He was desperate to see Professor Park, to find out if he had looked through the newspaper or not, but lab sections only met once a week, and thus he had to suffer through two whole days of uncertainty before the fateful class period arrived.
He arrived at the lab early, another first for him, and he strolled inside of the room with his lips pursed, whistling a soft tune. Immediately he searched out Professor Park, who was busy preparing lab equipment on the far side of the room, though he raised his head at the sound of the whistling. Beakers and test tubes were arranged on the lab table in front of him, along with some other things that Wooyoung didn’t know the name of. They looked vaguely like torture devices, though, and he repressed a shiver.
“Wooyoung?” Professor Park’s eyebrows shot up behind his bangs, lips parted in surprise. “You’re… early?” He wore his usual lab coat, with his name embroidered just above the breast pocket, where he kept a pen clipped to the stiff fabric. Underneath, his button-down shirt was buttoned up to his neck, a black tie visible through the opening of the lab coat. He always dressed the same; it was a real shame. Wooyoung’s brain would probably short circuit if he ever saw the guy in casual clothing.
“‘Course I am,” Wooyoung replied, wearing an award winning smile as he crossed the room, backpack slung over one shoulder. His lab coat was crumpled up in there somewhere, but he didn’t bother to take that out yet. As soon as Professor Park saw it, he would start admonishing him for taking poor care of it, and that would ruin his chances at digging for the information he needed. “Whatcha doing?”
Professor Park raised one of the test tubes in his hands for Wooyoung to see. “Preparing some things for today’s lab,” he explained. “We’ll be using a lot of equipment today, and I don’t trust all of you to go rifling through my cabinets. Last time I made that mistake, I had to relabel everything. It was a complete hassle.”
He pushed his glasses farther up the bridge of his nose, continuing to lay out the materials that would be needed for the lab. “Do you need help with something? Is that why you came early?”
Before Wooyoung had a chance to respond, three more students entered the lab room, greeting Professor Park as they set down their bags and crossed the room as well. Yunho, Jongho, and Mingi; just as they had planned.
“What’s up? That stuff looks complicated, professor,” said Mingi as he stopped beside Wooyoung, peering down at the equipment. “Today’s lab is gonna be impossible, isn’t it?”
Professor Park sighed, setting down the equipment as he turned to face them more fully, deeming his prep time finished now that he was no longer alone. Wooyoung almost felt bad about that, but not really. He had more pressing matters on his mind.
“It won’t be impossible; that’s not the right spirit with which to do anything. You have to believe in your own capabilities, Mingi.” He patted Mingi’s shoulder. “If you need help, you only need to ask. And this time, try to ask before you break a rack of my test tubes, please.”
Cheeks flushed, Mingi nodded, and Professor Park pulled his hand back. “Now, to finish my thought from earlier. Wooyoung, did you come here because you need help with something?”
“No, it’s not that,” Wooyoung replied, speaking casually. Professor Park was a lot more austere than Professor Kim; Wooyoung needed to choose his words carefully if he wanted to draw a substantial response from him. “I just wanted to ask you something. Did you happen to read through the newspaper I gave you?” As he spoke, he made a conscious effort to display his best puppy-dog eyes. No one could ever say no to him when he pulled those out.
Sure enough, Professor Park opened his mouth and paused, taking in Wooyoung’s expression. He sighed, running a hand through his hair to pull it away from his face. “I’ve been busy this week, Wooyoung. I haven’t had the chance. Please don’t take it personally; I’m sure it’s great.”
“Oh…” Wooyoung trailed off, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out the rolled up newspaper he had stashed there. “That’s no big deal! I have a copy right here for you. Take a look now! We still have time until class starts.” He grinned wide, teeth on full display and everything, and Professor Park didn’t stand a chance.
He looked down at the newspaper, taking it with a bit of hesitation. “Fine,” he relented, striding over to his desk and sitting behind it. The four of them followed after him, trying not to look too eager. “If it means that much to you, I’ll look at it. But I really don’t intend to read through all of these articles. I mean, ‘Who’s Kissing Who?’” He pointed to the segment with a grimace. “It’s not appropriate for me to read that.”
Wooyoung rolled his eyes, but he didn’t fight him on that. “There’s only one part that I really want you to see - that’s why I gave that copy to you in the first place. You’re in it, remember?”
With his fingers tightening hard enough to dimple the paper, Professor Park looked up at Wooyoung where he stood in front of the desk. “Me?” He looked frightened. “Why?”
“Well, you have to look inside to find out. Page five.” Wooyoung gestured at the paper, and Professor Park sighed again, flipping it open. He went straight to the fifth page, and he scanned over the contents, gaze landing immediately on the pictures at the bottom.
He was a bit more perceptive than Professor Kim from the get-go, staring at the photos before looking back at the title of the segment, piecing it all together. “You… you asked the student body to vote for which professor they think is the hottest?”
All four of them nodded. “Aren’t you happy that you won?” Yunho said, always eager for Professor Park’s approval. He was the only one of them pursuing a double STEM major, after all, and Professor Park was something of a god to him. “Or, well… that you tied for the win. technically?”
“A tie,” Professor Park mused, rubbing the edge of his hand over his mouth in thought. “Statistically, that is quite noteworthy. A perfectly divided vote with that many participants is an anomaly. This data could be interesting, if you mapped it out using our spreadsheet software. Perhaps we could create some kind of extra credit assignment out of this, if any of you are interested in bumping your grade up a few points.” He looked at them expectantly, as if he really thought they cared about any of that.
“I’ll do it!” Yunho blurted, bouncing eagerly on his toes.
Wooyoung quietly kicked him in the shin, keeping himself composed as he did so. “Yeah, okay. Sounds… fascinating. We can talk about that more later.” He had no plans to bring that up again later. “But would you agree with the results? Do they seem accurate to you?”
Professor Park arched a perfectly shaped brow. Everything about him was perfect; it was pretty unfair. “The idea of my students voting for me in a poll about hotness is a bit disturbing, so I don’t really want to answer that. I could have lived without knowing about any of this, in fact.”
Ugh. He was a tough nut to crack, but Wooyoung was determined. “Okay, well forget about you, then. What do you think of Professor Kim?”
Lips pulling into a slight frown, Professor Park looked back down at the newspaper, where his photo was printed beside his co-winner of the poll. He adjusted his glasses to get a better look, and Wooyoung’s heart thumped in anticipation. “Why are you asking me this? I have never met Professor Kim. I’m sure he’s lovely, but this printed photo does not do him much justice. Is that paint on his face?”
Ouch. In a very rare turn of events, Wooyoung was at a loss for words, and he shared a quick look with Jongho. Fix this, he tried to mentally scream at his friend. His palms had started to sweat.
“Oh, um, he looks great in real life. You should see him sometime,” Jongho blurted, and Wooyoung fought the urge to drop his head into his hands. It was safe to say that part two of stage one of the Professor Plot was not going well. But this wasn’t the end; even as another group of students entered the lab and disrupted their conversation before Professor Park could reply, Wooyoung was already adjusting his view of how this would play out.
He was determined, and he had never expected this to play out perfectly. That would kill all the fun, anyway. And Wooyoung was in this for the fun most of all.
FRIDAY 1:33 PM
San
did you ask park abt the newspaper??
update us pls
Jongho
well…
about that
we sure did ask!
Yeosang
oh god what did he say
Wooyoung
guys its fine
prof park was always gonna be the holdout in this situation
dont panic
its giving tsundere
prof kims charm will win him over eventually
Mingi
whats a tsundere
Yunho
oh honey… you need a lesson in yaoi it seems
Jongho
whats yaoi
Wooyoung
…
okay im gonna pretend you didnt say that
we are literally all gay how tf do you not know what YAOI MEANS
WE ARE LITERALLY YAOI
Jongho
…okay grandma
lets get u back to bed
Wooyoung
youre the one w the soul of an old man
at least i know internet slang
Jongho
so do i
shut ur bitch ass up
Yeosang
settle down
u still didn’t tell us what professor park even said
smh
Wooyoung
we’ll give u a full reenactment later
we have a lab to do rn
if you see a fire coming from the bio building its just mingi
Mingi
HEY
~
[Transcription of page 5 of the Rumor Report, issue #112, written by an anonymous author.]
AND THE WINNER IS…
A poll question was posed in issue #111 of the Rumor Report: Who is the hottest professor on our university campus? Following the publication of that issue, we received an influx of votes from the student body, the largest amount we have received for a poll thus far in the history of this newspaper. The voting period was full of debates and pitches for two professors only, dividing our readers and sending a current of dissent through the campus.
The first professor who received a significant number of votes in this poll was Professor Park Seonghwa, a professor in the medical sciences department of the university. He is known for his poise and the effort he puts into his appearance; he does not appear to have a single bad angle, or bad hair day, or bad skin day, or bad outfit day… well, you get the point. He is the envy of all of us students in our early twenties, still shaking off the lingering effects of our teenage years. The hotness he possesses is the unattainable kind; the kind that you catch a glimpse of and remember for the rest of your life.
The second professor who received a significant number of votes was Professor Kim Hongjoong, a professor in the arts department of the university. He is known for his laidback nature in the classroom, and his ability to banter with his students. His type of hotness is the relatable kind; he is made more hot by his attitude towards life and teaching, and you can almost imagine what it would be like to know him outside of school. Professor Kim feels attainable in a way that Professor Park does not, and this appeals to many of us students who fit into one of two categories: (1) students who have never been in a romantic relationship and still cling to their hopeless dreams of idealistic love, and (2) students with daddy issues who set their sights upon an older, authority figure to fill that void.
When you consider the differences between these two professors, it is not difficult to see why this vote led to such a divide amongst our readers. This is not only a question of which professor is the hottest, but it is at its core an examination of personal type and preference, appealing to the fundamental parts of us that sway our personal perceptions of attraction. Is the elegant and regal professor with the precise manners and unshakeable poise more your type, or the relatable and funny professor with the boy-next-door charm who will laugh at your jokes, no matter how terrible?
That is the fundamental question we have all faced over the past week, since the poll was introduced in issue #111. And now, we present the results of the vote. Our newspaper team sorted through all of these votes three times to ensure accuracy, and we can assure you that not a single vote was misplaced or miscounted.
Final Vote Balance:
Professor Park Seonghwa: 7,112 votes
Professor Kim Hongjoong: 7,112 votes
After a rigorous competition and several arguments out on the campus lawn, we pronounce the poll as a complete tie. An entirely unfounded result - did anyone see this coming? It is our pleasure to announce both Professors Park and Kim as the hottest professors on our university campus. Please refer to their photos below, if you have been living under a rock and are not familiar with the beautifully chiseled faces of these two men.
[Alt text: Photo on the left depicts a man with black hair cut to his chin, falling around his face in styled curtains. He wears thin-rimmed glasses on his nose, and he poses for the camera at a slight angle to accentuate his bone structure. He is dressed in a button-down white shirt and a black tie, absent of wrinkles or creases. Photo on the right depicts a man with wavy black hair, falling down past his ears and into his eyes. He has splatters of paint on his face, mainly blue and green in color. He wears a smock covered in paint, indicative of heavy use. Beneath the smock, he wears a worn flannel shirt, a visible hole over the shoulder seam on the left.]
Stay tuned for more information on these two professors in our next issue, as we delve into the student response to the poll results, and delve into their respective histories with teaching on this campus. How old are they? What are their zodiac signs? Where are they most frequently found on campus, in case you want to catch a glimpse of these two hotties?
All that and more to come in the Rumor Report, Issue #113!