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The party was winding down. And thank fuck for that.
He looks around for his family and sees everyone accounted for except one. He knows Andrew won't be here. He would have escaped the first chance he got.
So he waves at Nicky and picks his way out, slowly climbing the stairs. Jiggles the lock open and steps out on the roof.
And Andrew is there. As always.
Even though they do not smoke anymore, the whole rooftop time hasn't changed. They'll always have this—this time in this place with each other and no one else. Neil refuses to think that in a few months, he won't have this ever again. That in a few months, the fox tower rooftop won't be theirs.
"Hey," Neil says, unnecessarily. He didn't soften his footsteps when coming up.
Andrew doesn't show any indication that he heard Neil, but Neil knows that he did.
He plops next to him, ungraceful and uncaring, opens his mouth to say something, anything to stop his hamster wheel of thoughts, and says, "Is graduation a start or an end? I never got it, to be honest. Like, yes, it is the end of the whole college thing, but also the start of your new life. I think graduation is the same as ‘Sunday is the start of the new week’ nonsense. Sundays are for rest. How can they be the start of the new week? It's ridiculous. So graduation must be…"
"Stop running your mouth and spit it out, Josten. It's not attractive," he says without looking at Neil. He hasn't looked at Neil at all yet.
"Liar. You like when I run my mouth."
"Not when you are chewing on something. Say it or shut up."
"Allison called." Neil starts and pauses.
Andrew is silent.
"She and the girls are together with Matt in NYC, you know."
Andrew doesn't budge except for the slightest tightening of his jaw. Neil knows he's trying Andrew's patience, but he doesn't know how to broach this topic at all.
Honestly, he doesn't want to broach anything. Ever. He wants everything to go on as it always does and have this insane telepathic connection with Andrew about what's next, and find that they're already on the same page and never ever want to talk about it, but what Alli said has been running in a loop around his mind for hours now, that he is almost dizzy. Now that he has started it, he has to finish it.
So he plows through.
"Allison asked if we had the big talk yet."
Andrew turns towards him, finally.
"Apparently, it's never too early to hash it out, only too late," he says, making a face. "And that, graduation means new beginnings and going our own ways. That even if I know or guess how we," he waves the space between them, "will continue or how we will cope with the distance, we have to have the conversation very explicitly and negotiate the terms and shit." he mimics how she talks, just to keep his face from going red. He does not want to do this.
“That is the way no one gets hurt, according to her, or probably Matt. I don't remember. Everyone said a sentence for their part." Neil takes a deep breath.
He refuses to look at Andrew, who hasn't moved or made any kind of expression.
He continues, "And then Matt hijacked the conversation and talked about what plans he and Dan made and shit. Matt and Dan talked over each other the whole time. I didn't catch anything."
He presses his palms flat on the concrete floor and rocks front and back, swallows a couple of times, resolutely looking straight at the campus, and says, "So?"
"So?" Andrew asks, unnervingly calm
Neil wrings his fingers, "So… are you?"
Andrew quirks an eyebrow.
"Are you going to go your own way?" Neil is glad his voice didn't crack. He fights this insanely childish urge to hide his face with his palm.
Every second Andrew is silent is a second taken from Neil's brand new life expectancy.
So Neil does what he does best. He continues. Or tries to. "No, it's just that…" he swallows again, his palm digging in, "Going on your way? Isn't that our way?"
"What do you mean?"
"Back in freshman year, I told you to borrow my dream until you get one for yourself. Championship. Pro team. Court. Olympics. Play until retiring," he points at Andrew. "Or dying," he points at himself.
Andrew slaps that hand with such force that he knows his palm is stinging.
"Yes, you did that. Where is this going?"
"So it's our way, right? You are still choosing that, right?" Neil blurts, and then hurries with, "I am not saying you have to choose exy. You can do anything you want. I'm just…" Neil looks down at his red palms with all the dust and little stones embedded in, "I just want to know, I'm in your future, right?"
He continues, "Cause you are in mine. Every day. All day. It's only you. Nothing has changed in four years, and it won't either. You're it for me, Andrew. You're my life." he knows that Andrew knows he means it literally. There's only exy and Andrew in his life.
"If you choose your way and... somehow it won't involve me in the coming years, you need to tell me. I'm stupid, remember? I was stupid then, and I am stupid now. I'll probably always be stupid. You need to spell it out. And if I'm not in your way… then I need to find out something to keep me going, cause…" Neil trails off.
"You know, Renee talked to me yesterday and said the same thing," Andrew starts, and Neil wants to jump off the roof. Suddenly, he doesn't want to know what Andrew thinks at all.
Andrew clamps his hand at the back of Neil's neck and pulls him, harshly. "I was wrong. Your learning curve is not horizontal; it is a nose-dive. You were stupid then, but you've got stupider. Tell me, what do you think? Why do I do this all? You and everything that pertains to you? All the work?"
"I asked first." Neil can't look away from his eyes. His beautiful golden eyes. It shows him looking pathetic. Dazed and in love.
"You did. I'm asking you now." Andrew tightens his hand on Neil's neck. His mouth is a harsh line. His eyes, angry.
"You wanted to do it." Neil breathes out and feels oxygen finally entering his lungs.
Andrew. Andrew. Andrew.
His everything.
"And?" Andrew snarls quietly. It is such a soft sound for all the rage it contains.
"You want more."
Andrew digs his fingers in. Neil is sure he'll bruise, and that's good. It will help him think beyond his stupidity. It doesn't escape his brain that his initial plan would have worked as he wished it would.
But to hear it out loud by Andrew himself is such a rush. Maybe this is a reminder to make Andrew say he wants him all the time.
Neil cannot contain what he feels. He feels like an overblown balloon to be burst in seconds. He wants to float away.
He can't bear to look at Andrew's eyes anymore. He tilts his head up to the inky black sky. It is all too much.
Andrew leans in, his teeth on his throat, "And?"
And he is Andrew's everything.
"And you want me." Neil's words are nothing but air. Andres pulls his face down and kisses him. It's not pretty. It is teeth against his pliant lips.
And Neil loves it.
The physical expression of Andrew's want is never something Neil won't like.
His kisses are the reason he's even alive and here right now.
Andrew breaks the kiss and pants, "So fucking stupid," and bites the edge of his lower lip.
A grin breaks out on Neil's lips. "Gotta keep you on your toes."
"I will break yours."
"Then you have to take care of me. You agreed to forever." Neil leans in and rubs his nose against Andrew's.
Andrew pushes him away in disgust and says, "I hate you."
Neil laughs. Life will be good.
xxx