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How to summon a boyfriend by Spoiler

Summary:

The world is ending, and Steph has a plan. And then the plan has their own ideas. And Cass too. And the plan is no longer a plan.

Notes:

This has been rent-free in my head for months; I'm so glad I was finally able to write it down.

Work Text:

Batman, Wonder Woman, and Constantine stared at the young heroes with a frown. Their intentions were good, but summonings are a serious matter and not something to tamper with, especially when you have no experience.

“The situation is dire enough as it is,” Constantine scolded them.

“Yes, and if your plan had worked, what says the creature summoned wouldn’t have been worse?” added Bruce.

“No, it wouldn’t,” Steph protested. “The book says that once the deal is made, he can’t break it, so we only need to order him to leave once he is done.”

Cass nodded in agreement along with other members of the team. Constantine bit on his cigar, no doubt trying to contain all the blasphemies he was thinking. Batman also had to restrain himself at the kids' naivete.

Wonder Woman got closer to them and put a hand on Steph’s shoulders.

“I know you had good intentions, but these creatures are experts on finding loopholes; you cannot trust them.”

Steph lowered her head and stubbornly crossed her arms; she knew that, of course, this was not her first rodeo. She had Cass and the members of the Young Justice with her for safety. And she even had talked to Raven to make sure the contract was foolproof. What else was left to do? But no, they didn’t listen to them. The adults never listened to them, even when they were almost adults, too.

Bruce and the others stared at her, no doubt waiting for an apology or something like that. But she was in a mood called “teen rebellion,” so instead of listening, he screamed at her team.

“Do it!”

Everyone moved immediately. Bart used his superspeed to turn on all the candles at the altar as Tim and Cass set the offerings. Cassie and Kon got in the way of Batman and Wonder Woman, effectively blocking them from stopping the ritual. Constantine could only mutter a soft “fuck” before the altar started to shine. And a rip in reality opened. From the newly formed portal, an inhumanely stunning man emerged.

He had bright green eyes and long white hair so white it hurt to look at it directly. His face was long and sharp, with small, rounded lips and a straight nose. He wore a mix of clothes from different time periods that somehow he managed to make work, including a black cape decorated with constellations and a small crown that shone, as it was made of crystal. He could have been the most beautiful man on earth if he hadn’t worn an expression of extreme boredom and annoyance.

“What. Now?” He asked, visibly irritated, making the room freeze for a moment.

Cass was the first one to react, only to shudder from head to toe. She looked at her friend, tilting her head. Steph narrowed her eyes, trying to understand what her friend was saying.

“If nobody wants me for anything, I will take my leave,” said the man, making Steph momentarily snap. “Wait! We need help,” she said, taking a step forward while the rest of the team held Wonder Woman and Batman.

The being rolled his eyes.

“Of course you need help.”

“Was that sarcasm?” Asked Steph. “Wait, no. Not important right now, I have a contract.”

Steph pulled out several pieces of paper that she dropped on the hands of the creature, the king, she assumed, based on the crown he was wearing. He eyed the “contract” and raised an eyebrow. Steph just gave him a sheepish smile; she had forgotten they had written everything with a purple glitter pen. The being kept reading.

“Looks like everything is in order,” he said, and Steph fist bumped Cass.

“We still need to discuss the payment,” he deadpanned. “You can’t get something for nothing, you know.”

Steph eyed all his friends who shook their heads or shrugged; they all had assumed that the offerings would be enough. Big mistake.

“No payment, no work, bye,” the king turned around, ready to leave.

“Wait! We will think of something, just give us a minute!” Screamed Steph.

“No!/Spoiler no!” screamed the adults as they all moved to confront Steph.

“So sorry for bothering you, your majesty,” Constantine said to the being, praying he would leave peacefully. “We will make sure the kids never bother you again.”

“You better,” and the glare was so cold it made Constantine shiver.

Meanwhile, Steph and the team tried to argue with the adults as Cass pulled her cape to make her look at her. At her insistence, Spoiler gave up and looked at her friend. Cass was pointing at herself and her face.

“What are you trying to say?” Steph asked.

Cass kept pointing with both hands to where her lips should be if they weren’t hidden by the mask.

“... don’t tell me, you like him?” Steph asked with a grimace. Then it all clicked.

“Hey, you, big guy!” She screamed, jumping above everybody. “What about a kiss?”

The creature stopped mid-step to look at her and frowned.

“Not just any kiss, a first kiss from a… pure maiden.”

The king was still frowning but didn’t say anything, which encouraged Steph to keep talking.

“This is my friend Black Bat,” she said, pulling Cass closer. “She has never been with anybody, nor man, nor woman, no nothing, not even a date. She is 100000% pure maiden in love.”

At her last comment, Cass punched her in the arm, but the creature got closer, a little twitch in his mouth, almost a smile, making Cass squirm.

“What are the conditions?” He asked.

“Have you ever played seven minutes in heaven?” Steph asked back, ignoring the fight still going on. “Two people are chosen to spend 7 minutes alone in a dark, enclosed space. During this time, you can kiss as much as you want.”

Of course, in the actual game, people do more than kissing, but she was not going to tell him that. She wasn’t sure if creatures of another dimension understood the concept of consent, but she was not about to risk it with her best friend. Although seeing how Cass was trying to hide her excitement, maybe spicing it up a little bit wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

“The enclosed space has to be empty?” asked the King.

“Huh? No?” said Steph, not fully understanding the question.

“But it has to be in this dimension and in this watchtower,” added Constantine, fearing he would take the girl to a different dimension for a century only to come back seven minutes later. “I will also control the time, and I will inform you when the seven minutes are up.”

“Et tu, Brute?” whispered Bruce to Constantine.

“Your daughter spoke first. I’m just trying to do damage control,” Constantine grunted.

“Very well,” said the creature. “But give me a moment to get everything ready.”

Before they could ask what “everything” meant, he had brought through the portal a couch, a knitted blanket, a soft fur carpet, a coffee table, and a fireplace with actual fire crackling in it. Then he left again, only to come back with champagne, glasses, a champagne cooler, a box of chocolates, and a bouquet of flowers that he gifted to Cass.

“My lady,” he said with a small bow.

“Shit,” said Steph, seeing how he had transformed the place into a cozy lounge in an instant. “Maybe I should have offered myself up.”

“What about your boyfriend over here!?” Yelled Tim.

The king gently guided Cass to sit down on the couch, and he sat up next to her.

“Are you counting, magician?” He asked.

“Yeah, yeah,” Constantine said, making a giant sand clock appear out of nowhere. “When the last grain of sand falls, your time is up.”

“Understood.”

And then he built a frozen wall that effectively hid them from everybody else's view.

“No!” Screamed Bruce, running to the wall. Hitting it with everything he had. Wonder Woman also joined the rescue team, together with the rest of the members of the young Justice League.

Batman confronted Spoiler.

“What have you done?

 

****

 

This wasn’t the first time Steph had to wait; it wasn’t even the time she had had to wait the longest. Seven minutes were really not that long if you thought about it coldly. But it was the first time she had to wait to see if she had cursed her best friend forever. Guilt ate her up as she stared at the giant sand clock. The others were nervous as well. Steph wasn’t as good as Cass at reading body language, but it was obvious what everybody was thinking. You could see it in their tensed shoulders, in how nobody spoke a word, in how they clenched their fist or bit their lips with worry. She could also see how nobody looked at her, how, even if they all had agreed to the plan, they blamed her for how things had ended. Tim was muttering to himself, probably reciting some complicated math theories to calm himself or trying to convince himself that it was the best outcome of all the possible options there were.

Wonder Woman hugged Batman’s arm, hiding her face on his shoulder. They spoke in whispers, no doubt preparing some kind of plan. Constantine walked in circles, smoking cigar after cigar. He would never say it out loud, but he had a bleeding heart, bigger than most. And even if he complained about it, he was always there to help. Steph regretted not telling him sooner. He was more experienced than Raven after all. At least in making contracts and bargains.

Finally. Finally, the last grain of salt fell, and Constantine knocked the wall.

“Oi, mate!” he called. “Time’s up! Remove the wall and give us back the girl.”

Steph wasn’t sure what she was expecting when the wall fell, but it definitely wasn’t what she saw. Cass was sitting on the coffee table, wearing the king’s cape and calmly eating chocolates. The fireplace was still on, and it was the only thing left untouched; the champagne and the champagne cooler were dropped on the floor, a pool forming with all the melted ice, ruining the fur carpet in the process. The couch was upside down, and the king himself was nowhere to be seen. When Cass saw that the wall was down, she threw the box of chocolates over her shoulder and jumped to where Steph was. But before she could say anything, Batman ran to hug her. She patted him on the back as she gave Steph a thumbs-up.

“That good, uh?” she whispered, and Cass nodded.

“Oi, where is the bloke?” asked Constantine.

To answer his question, the couch started to shake, and from under it, the king crawled out. His clothes were rumpled and his hair a mess, but the most disturbing thing was his big grin filled with teeth.

“By all the ancients, what a woman!” He said with incredulity, sitting on the floor.

“Yeah, yeah,” said Constantine, ushering him to stand up. “Now it’s your turn to honor your end of the bargain.”

The king moved with wobbly legs, slowly following Constantine.

“Sure, sure, my army it’s at your disposal. Just give me a moment to compose myself.”

He took a moment to look back from the door’s frame, and Cass threw him a kiss, still trapped under Batman’s hug. The king sighed and waved to her.

“May I kidnap you on Monday?” He asked

“Move on, lover boy,” screamed Constantine, pushing him through the door. “We have work to do.”

“Bye,” said Cass.

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