Chapter Text
It’s the tail end of our latest comeback promotions. We have already promoted the title track and have been promoting a b-side. Today we are performing on one of the last music shows for this comeback. We are one of the nominated artists again.
That’s not where my head is right now, though. Today he will be here; his group just started their comeback promotions. I don’t know if I’m happy, sad, angry, frustrated, or pathetic. It’s really hard to process feelings like this. When the person you like is so close but also has no idea you exist. In the sense of liking one back, that is.
We have met through work and outside of work a handful of times, but he still doesn’t seem to acknowledge me. It’s not like I liked him right away either. It wasn’t until the GayoDaejeon Christmas festival. I remember standing next to him at one point and thinking, Wow, he smells so good, and then it all went downhill from there.
I couldn’t stop thinking about him after that. It’s strange, really, how one moment can change everything. The only other person who knows about this is my group member and roommate, Nicholas hyung. Nicholas is also the link to us having hung out outside of work. Nicholas and Ricky are friends.
It was somewhat of a risk, confiding in Nico about my crush on Ricky. He’s kept my secret and hasn’t done or said anything to Ricky to tip him off. Nicholas has suddenly started dating someone he just met recently. A guy who goes to the same university as my dongsaeng.
Euijoo is a pretty cool guy. We have met a few times now, and we are also going to hang out later tonight as well. Just a few friends of both of them. I only remember a few of Euijoo’s friends from the time at the BBQ place we met them at before with my brother and Nico.
There is a knock on the door of our dressing room. Another group is here asking to film a dance challenge with some of us. A girl group who debuted around the same time as us.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I like girls too. I’ve had girlfriends in the past, before debut. The first time I realized I might also like guys was a hyung I had in school. He was our choir club president. He was tall and handsome and nice to everyone.
The typical, perfect class president type that every girl wants to have and every guy wants to be. Nothing happened between us. I kept my feelings a secret then too.
I do have friends who know I am attracted to guys. I even told my brother. I just have never had the courage to ask a guy out, in fear that they are not like me and aren’t into that. My crush on Ricky has lasted over a year now, almost two.
I’m convinced now that this is how it will stay until some miracle happens, and I hopefully meet someone else who can help me forget about him. I’ve even written songs about my longing for him; one of them even got released on our last album.
No one will ever know that, though. That I wrote that song about Ricky. I don’t even think Nicholas picked up on that.
There is another knock on the door; Matthew peeks his head in. Nico smiles with his eyes.
“Matt, hey, what’s up? You’re coming tonight, right?”
“Yeah man. Can’t wait!”
“Are you here to film a dance challenge?”
“Yeah, you don’t mind, do you? Ricky’s here too.”
Hearing Ricky’s name, I look over to the door, trying to look out in the hall from where I’m sitting. He’s talking to someone else from another group who must have been passing by. Of course, he is styled perfectly.
It’s a little intimidating. I’m not insecure about my looks, but when I see Ricky, it’s like, damn. He’s a different kind of gorgeous. He’s on another level. He’s sexy and confident, but he’s vulnerable too. I can see it when I watch him.
I think that’s another reason why I seem to be hooked on him. This vulnerability brings out the protective side of me. I love to take care of people. It’s part of my nature.
“I’ll join you guys too,” I say, standing up.
“Cool,” Matthew adds. “Let’s go!”
When I walk out into the hall, I almost run right into Ricky, who was on his way in. He looks at me surprised and then smiles. “Are you joining us?”
“Yes, I was thinking they could do the challenge for our song, and we could do the one for yours. Sound good?”
“Sounds perfect. Let’s go practice by the staircase.”
I follow him down the hall to where the stairs and some vending machines are. I love how his voice is so soft-spoken. It makes me melt. I just want to push him against the wall and kiss him.
I don’t know how many times I’ve imagined him wearing one of my shirts and nothing else. Pushing my dirty thoughts to the side, I keep walking, pretending I’m not thinking about my hands roaming all over his body.
As if he can read my mind, but it’s just bad timing, he looks over his shoulder at me. He gives me a half smile and turns back around. What was that?
I’ve only been alone with Ricky a total of two times before today. As exciting as this moment is for me, I’m also terrified. I just have to not think too much and just be myself.
What am I even saying? Me being myself is literally me thinking up more scenarios like the others I just wiped clean from my head. But now I’m thinking of pulling him down to the floor with me and licking every inch of him.
It’s his fault for being so damn sexy and me being too damn weak.
“Ok, I’ll teach you the steps first. Someone from the staff should be here soon to film it.”
I nod my head and stand next to him. He takes me through the steps and is ever patient with me when I keep messing up at the same part.
When he suddenly grabs my wrist when I put my arm up. I almost pull away because I’m too stunned. I relax while he adjusts my arm, rotating my palm to face away instead of down.
I’m looking at his face while he is concentrating on my hand. When he’s done, he looks down at me. I feel like I was caught staring and feel a little embarrassed, but he just says, “There, like this.”
“Oh, ok. Got it. Thanks.” I nod.
Someone from his staff shows up then, and the moment is officially over. No more alone time. It was worth it, though. He touched me, and he smelled so good.
My pervy thoughts are coming back again, and I have to taper them back down for the hundredth time, or else even the poor staff member will know what I’m thinking.
We get through the choreo, and the staff member films us, and it’s over too soon. I thought we could walk back together, but Gyuvin comes walking from down the hall and waves Ricky over.
“Come on, baby. Let’s go.”
Baby? I don’t know what that's supposed to mean, but that sure is a punch in the gut.
Ricky turns to me before leaving. “Thanks, Taesan-ah. I’ll see you later tonight.”
Tonight? I didn’t know Nicholas invited Ricky too. I wonder why he failed to mention this to me. Asshole. He did that on purpose.
“Yeah, see you tonight,” I muster as a response.
I wish I could hold an actual conversation with him. He even talked to me informally. That turns me on even more. God, I’m fucked.
Watching him stroll down the hallway with Gyuvin makes me wonder about the closeness of their relationship. He called him baby. Is that meant as a joke, or maybe the truth disguised as a joke?
I need to find out.
I start my way back to the dressing room when I see Leehan. He turns his head then and sees me.
“Hey, I was just looking for you.”
“You were looking for me? Why?”
“Lunch is here.”
“Oh, let's go.”
“Why do you look so lost right now? Did something happen?” He’s looking at me with concern.
“Nothing, I’m fine.” Do I look that bad?
“You sure?”
“Yeah, don’t worry.”
Another problem with being lovesick all the time is that people can sense it on you. As soon as Nicholas saw my face when I got back, he knew.
“Come on, Taesan, cheer up. It will get better, promise. OK.”
“Are you for real right now? Ricky told me he was coming tonight. Is there some reason you decided to keep this information from me?” I look at him with a sneer on my face.
“I didn’t want you to freak out and get too much in your head or even back out.” He’s trying to soothe me down, whispering to me calmly so no one else can hear.
“This is a good opportunity to hang out and get to know him more. Euijoo said that we need to set up more opportunities for you two. I am your only link to doing that.”
I shake my head because he’s right; I get it.
“Is there anything going on between Ricky and Gyuvin? I mean, would he tell you if there was?”
“Gyuvin...? No, he hasn’t said anything to me. I’m pretty sure he would tell me if he liked or was seeing someone.” He looks at me confused. “Why? What happened?”
I shake my head, unsure. “Gyuvin called Ricky ‘baby,’ but I don’t know if it was as a joke or what.”
“Ah, I see, you're being jealous right now. He is not with Gyuvin like that; don’t worry your pretty little head about it.”
He’s laughing at me now. It’s infuriating.
In our shared room back at the dorm, Nico and I are getting ready for our plans.
“What are we doing tonight anyway?” I ask.
“Juju and his friends rented out a private room at a karaoke bar. We just have to show up; they will already be there waiting.”
“What about Matthew and Ricky?”
“They will be meeting us outside. Matt is driving us there.” He says with a small smirk.
This is interesting news. I nod and smile.
“What should I wear? I need to look intricately fashioned but also like I don’t care either. And you’re the pro at that look, so please, hyung, make me over.”
Looking at his face right now, he is as excited as shit to be able to do this.
“Thank you for trusting me with this,” he says, patting his hand on his heart like he is pretending to be touched as fuck.
He is so insufferable sometimes. But he is like an older brother to me, and I’m thankful he’s always there for me.
Twenty minutes later, I have perfectly styled wavy hair, baggy khaki pants accessorized with a wallet chain, and a very expensive sleeveless shirt with an equally expensive Chanel cardigan.
Ugh, I look like Nicholas.
At least it’s not all black. Its light colors: tan pants, a white shirt, and the cardigan is a light red.
Ricky messages Nicholas when they are 5 minutes away.
We head outside to wait, saying goodbye to the others.
Woonhak looks sad. Pouting, he says, “hyungs when are you going to let me go with you guys? I’m old enough now.”
“Sorry, Woonagi, I'll have to ask ‘you know who’ first.” Nicholas responds.
“Not fair. I know he won’t let me come,” he pouts extra cutely this time.
We both just smile at his adorableness.
“We’ll do something next time, I promise,” Nicholas tells him.
“You better, or I'm going straight to your boss.”
He's glaring at Nico like he is very serious about ratting him out. It’s hard not to laugh.
He whacks me in the chest, not humored at all by this.
“Come on, let's go.”
He shakes his head at me.
Matthew is waiting in the parking garage when we step off the elevator.
“You sexy bitches ready to have some fun?” he yells out the open window of the SUV he is driving.
Ricky, who is sitting in the front seat, gets out and lets Nicholas sit in the front, which only means that Ricky and I will be sitting in the back seat together.
“Taesanie, you're looking freakin’ hott.”
Matt whips his head around to look at me in more detail. He’s ogling me up and down, then winks at me with a smile.
He is not the one who is supposed to be looking at me like that, unfortunately.
Looking over at Ricky to see his reaction, only to find him looking out the side window at the other cars parked instead.
How am I always so invisible to him?
He was so different with me earlier. I hoped that it would have continued on when we saw each other tonight.
I already have a feeling tonight is going to be horrible for me.
We arrive at the karaoke bar and enter through a back entrance that leads to the stairs up to the private rooms.
I’m in front of Ricky going up when I suddenly feel a soft touch on my lower back.
I turn back to look at him.
“Be careful, Taesan-ah,” he says, “don’t trip.”
Shit, now he’s acting all sweet after ignoring me the whole ride here.
Even saying my name like that.
Why does he have to play with me like this?
“Thanks, I’ll be careful, Ricky-ah.”
I say it at almost a whisper because I’m just so confused by this guy.
He keeps his hand just grazing my back till we step off the stairs.
The loss of his support leaves me bereft of his touch.
I’m now more determined than ever to find ways to touch him or to be touched by him tonight.
Step 1 is making sure to stick by him all night.
Wherever he sits, I sit; when he goes to the bathroom, so will I.
Nicholas opens the door and announces himself to his very happy boyfriend.
“Baby, I missed you so much!”
Euijoo bounces across the room and jumps into his waiting arms, wrapping his legs around Nico’s waist.
The kissing starts immediately.
“Come on, can you two not do that in front of all us single people?” Matthew yells playfully.
Nico puts Euijoo down, even though it’s pretty clear he would rather run off with him, leaving us all here instead.
“Taesan, Ricky, Matt, so glad you could join us.”
Euijoo welcomes us.
He's glowing; he’s so freaking happy.
Nico and Euijoo haven’t been able to see each other for at least a week.
They are disgustingly cute together.
I still don’t understand how they ended up a couple so quickly after meeting.
Yeah, I’m a little jealous.
But I am seriously happy for the both of them.
We all go over to the booth seats, me watching Ricky's movements, waiting to see where he is going to sit.
I’m getting nervous. He sits on Euijoo’s left, so I hurry to sit on his.
He reaches over to the coffee table in front of us and grabs a bottle and hands it to me.
I’m surprised by this; he keeps ignoring me, then giving me attention.
“Thanks,” I nod my head to him.
I go a little stiff when he then leans back, placing his arm behind me with his hand just behind my butt, holding himself steady.
Ok, he’s making himself comfortable.
I’m fine with this; this is great.
I take a sip from the bottle he gave me.
The others are deciding on who gets to sing first.
Ricky takes a look at the song list but doesn't move away from me.
Matt and Nico pick the first song with Euijoo’s roommate Sungchul.
Of course, they had to start off with some ballad from an OST.
I feel like this is just Nico wooing his already plenty wooed boyfriend.
That guy is whipped to the extreme.
That will be me someday; that will be me.
Manifesting, manifesting. When they’re done, Ricky decides to go next with Euijoo.
Matt sits down next to me, taking Ricky’s place.
“Congratulations on your win today, man,” he says.
“Thanks.”
I tell him, but I’m paying more attention to Ricky, only half listening to Matt as he continues to talk.
It starts to get a little loud and chaotic as Nicholas starts obnoxiously praising Euijoo and shouting, “Baby, I love you.”
Blah.
I roll my eyes and laugh.
As this is a little embarrassing but also an opportunity, I yell jokingly, “Ricky, baby, I love you.”
Throwing him finger hearts and blowing him a kiss.
Everyone starts laughing, and it looks like Ricky is blushing a little.
I can’t believe I actually got a reaction out of him.
When he’s on his way back, I start to get worried about where he is going to sit.
Will he move somewhere else?
I look up as he stands in front of Matthew and shoos him over, sitting back beside me again.
Just like the way he was before.
I pull the last mouthful of my drink, tilting my head all the way back, accidentally hitting Ricky in the shoulder.
It feels so nice.
He looks down at me at the touch, his face is unreadable for a moment, and then it turns into a small smile.
“Sorry if that was embarrassing earlier.”
“No, it’s alright. It was pretty funny.”
He starts softly rubbing the seat under his hand.
My head is still tilted back while I'm looking up at him.
Maybe I’m making him uncomfortable?
“Sorry, you're kind of comfortable,” I laugh awkwardly and sit back up.
“Are you going to go next? You haven't gone yet.”
I really don’t want to leave this spot, but I reluctantly pick a song and sing by myself.
I just had to sing the saddest song I could find. I’m a pathetic fool who's bringing down the whole vibe.
Oh, well.
While I’m removed from my spot next to Ricky, others crowd around him, furthering my sadness.
The song finally ends, and I try to find somewhere to sit since my spot is gone.
I grab another beer from the table and start to walk to the other side of the long booth, but someone grabs my wrist.
I don’t even have time to see who it is when I’m being pulled down into someone’s lap.
They then place their hands on my hips, steadying me.
Now that I’m settled, I finally look to see who it was that initiated this.
If it’s Matt, I’m punching him in the face for messing with me.
I’m startled to see that it’s Ricky, and he’s looking me right in the eyes.
“Don’t leave me, Taesanie. Sit here with me.”
I almost can’t even speak or think.
All these moments with him today are stacking up, leaving me speechless.
I suddenly feel like I'm being courted.
I finally just utter a stupid, “Uh, sure, OK.”
That's so freakin’ lame.
Kill me now.
I sit in his lap, internally screaming inside.
I never would have imagined anything like this happening tonight.
Taking a swig of my beer, I purposely lean back into him since he put me here to begin with, and also he didn’t seem to mind earlier.
Why not?
Of course, when I look around, everyone is looking at us.
Some who are surprised, like me, and the ones who are loving this are smiling their asses off, like Euijoo and Nicholas.
Their knowing looks annoy me and excite me at the same time.
They know how much of an epic big deal this is for me.
“Hey, Ricky-ah,” Matt says, “don’t you need to at least ask him out first before you do something like that?”
Of course, the others start laughing at this.
Matthew is so unfiltered; everyone knows this.
I silently curse Matthew with my eyes. Shut up, will you? If you ruin this for me, I swear to God…
Ricky, on the other hand, just grabs me tighter.
“What? He already confessed his love to me earlier. Isn’t that good enough?”
I bulge my eyes out.
What?
That was meant jokingly.
He gives me another squeeze around my waist.
“Right, Taesanie?,” he says expectantly, looking at me.
“What, are you jealous or something, Matt?” I quip back.
“Wow, OK, so that’s how it’s going to be. I see. I’ll just mind my own business then.”
He shakes his head and laughs, raising his hands in surrender.
“I’m not going to break up whatever this,” he gestures with his hands at us, “is.”
The turn of events that happened tonight was not in my bingo card, so to say.
But I’m not going to kick a gift horse in the mouth, so to also say.
This is heaven right now, sitting in his lap, being held.
I don’t quite understand Ricky yet.
I’m going to take what I can get for now.
If we can talk seriously at some point tonight, that would be even better, although I don’t know if I could muster the words to say.
I turn back and offer him a sip from my bottle.
He takes it and downs the rest, his Adam's apple bobbing.
That’s so goddamn sexy.
He puts the bottle on the table and leans back in the seat.
There is a group of people singing another song, and then I’m suddenly given a mic. I happily join in.
Ricky sits back up and shares the mic with me over my shoulder. His arms wrapped around my waist, not letting go.
The song ends, and we hand the mic over, and Ricky leans back again.
I chance it and lean back against him. My head is on his shoulder now. My back to his chest.
He smells like an exotic fruit. I want to lick him.
Instead, I place my hands on top of his that are wrapped around me.
He nuzzles close to my ear, “Are you comfortable?”
I nod my head.
“What about you? Am I too heavy?”
“No, you're perfect,” he almost whispers.
I get goosebumps, and my dick twitches. Holy fuck. I’m using all my willpower to not turn around right now and straddle him.
“You do look really good tonight, Taesan-ah. I wanted to tell you earlier, but Matthew beat me to it.”
“Ricky-ah,” I take a deep breath, “what’s going on right now between us?”
I look into his eyes now. I want to know if he’s intentionally flirting with me because he likes me or if this is going to be one of those things where we get too intimate, and then he avoids me for months after that.
He looks a little taken aback by my question, and I wonder if I shouldn’t have said anything.
“I just want to get to know you better. We’re both friends with Nico, but we haven’t really spent a lot of time together.”
“Is that really it? That’s all?”
I breathe out a heavy sigh, and my stomach is churning.
“You just want to be friends?”
I just want to go home now.
“Yeah, I just want to be friends.”
“Sure, let's be just friends.”
I try not to sound as sad as I am, but I can’t help it. I need to get away.
“I’m going to go to the bathroom.”
I open his hands from around me, and he lets them fall to the side, looking a little confused by my abrupt change in attitude.
I stand up and weave around everyone to get out the door. Some people are happily hugging me as they dance around with each other, tipsy and blissful. I’m jealous of their carefree happiness.
Nico soon finds me hiding in the stairwell. So he must have seen what happened.
“You OK, man? What did Ricky say? I thought everything was going well with you two.”
He starts rubbing my back consolingly.
“He said he wants to be friends. I stupidly thought for a second that he might actually be flirting with me.”
I shake my head, angry and annoyed.
“Maybe it’s time to give up. I don’t think I can do this shit anymore. I was so happy for about 5 minutes. Now I want to go curl up in my bed and cry.”
Nico stops rubbing my back and brings me into a hug.
“I’m sorry, Taesan-ah. Should I just take you home now? Matt is having his manager come pick them up anyway. We can take a cab back.”
“No, it’s fine. We still have an hour, and you haven’t seen Euijoo in a while. Don’t worry about me; spend time with your boyfriend. I’m just going to get wasted and forget how shitty I feel right now.”
I can tell he doesn’t really like this idea, but I’m not going to ruin his night too.
“If at any time you’re ready to go, we’ll leave; just say the word, alright?”
“Alright, alright, let’s get back in there.”
Entering back into the small hell I’m enduring alone, it’s gotten hot and musky in here with all the bodies, and the different scents coming off all those bodies are mixing together, leaving a woodsy, fruity smell.
It’s a little overwhelming, but not terrible.
I’m avoiding Ricky now, trying not to be obvious, but his very obvious gaze is following me around the room.
What’s this about?
Telling myself instead not to give a shit, I grab something way harder than beer and pour myself a whisky.
This shit is terrible, but it will get the job done.
“Why did you suddenly leave? Did I do or say something wrong?”
Ricky had saddled up beside me when I didn’t notice. Great.
“Or do you not want to be friends with me?”
He keeps talking, but I’m not listening to any of it.
I take my drink and gulp it down, dribbling some down my chin.
Not caring, I pour another one and repeat.
All the while he is still lingering, talking.
I take the bottle and head over to an open spot to sit.
Ricky follows. What is his deal with me right now?
Can’t he just go back to ignoring me?
He stops talking after finally realizing that I’m not going to respond. He just sits there quietly instead.
Watching me down glass after glass.
Whatever, if that’s what you choose to do with your night.
Someone at some point comes to ask if either of us wants to sing, but Ricky responds for the both of us.
“No, we’re good. We’ll just watch.”
I’m so out of it soon enough.
I suddenly jump up from my seat and start dancing.
I don’t know if it’s the music in the room, or maybe it’s the music in my head. Either way, I don’t care.
I start swaying back and forth and nodding my head, the best my drunk ass can manage.
I lift my hands over my head.
I then realize I’m dancing to the song Ricky taught me earlier.
So the song is in my head.
“Taesan-ah, I don’t think you should be doing that right now. You might get hurt.”
“But I’m already hurt.” I slur. “So it doesn’t even matter.”
“What do you mean, you're already hurt?”
“I’m so tired, Ricky-ah.”
“Tired like you want to go to bed?”
“No, not like that.” I look over at him. “Tired of something, or more like someone.”
“Is this about you being hurt?” He’s obviously confused by my rambling. I don’t make any sense. He stands up and comes over to me when he sees me start to stumble.
“No, don’t do that. This is exactly why I feel like shit.”
He doesn’t listen and grabs me, stopping me from falling over. I continue to embarrass myself, rambling on some more. Ricky leads me back to where we were sitting.
“Do you hate me, Taesan?”
“I just wish you would understand without me having to say it.” All the energy I just had suddenly vanishes. I have no fight left in me. I slowly relax my body into him, closing my eyes. “I don’t hate you, Ricky-ah. It’s the opposite.”
I wake the next morning with a splitting headache. Eyes blurring, room spinning, stomach in protest, I slowly lift my head up and look to the other side of the room.
Nicholas isn’t in his bed.
I slip out of bed and drag my ass down the hall. Everyone is still sleeping. What time is it?
I peek in Woonhak's room. Sure enough, I find Nico in his usual place in his second bed, cuddled up next to the maknae.
I trudge to the kitchen and grab a glass of water and spot the clock on the wall. It’s only around 7am. Everyone is probably going to be up soon.
Why did I have to drink so much? I don’t even remember what happened after I started drinking.
Next, I head to the bathroom to shower first and get ready.
When I get back to my room, my phone chirps with a notification. What is so important this early in the morning? Picking up my phone, I open the notification and freak, dropping my phone to the floor.
“What?” Nicholas asks, just walking in to the room. “How are you feeling?” he laughs.
“Why is Ricky texting me, hyung?” I look over at Nico with my shocked face and raised eyebrows. “I mean, how does he have my number to even text me?”
“Legendary.” He starts laughing hysterically. “I knew you would forget.”
“What?” I’m more than freaking out right now. “What did I do?” Oh crap.
Ignoring my hysterics, he asks me a question instead. “So...what did Ricky-ah say?” His eyebrows are twitching up and down while he's staring me down with a grin. This asshole.
“He asked if I slept alright. That he wants to talk to me later, at the show.” I’m desperate for answers. “Please, asshole, tell me what I did last night.”
He shakes his head, amused. “You got trashed, and Ricky took care of you last night. You were embarrassing the hell out of yourself, and he didn't care. He insisted he was fine and that he wanted to do it. He even wanted to help bring you back to the dorm, but I somehow convinced him not to. I can’t tell you everything. I don’t even know everything you said to him. I think I’ll leave that to your talk later with him. But Taesanie,” he looks at me softly, “your acting like a fool didn’t scare him away. Think about that.”
I just can’t believe what I’m hearing. I’m too embarrassed to even face him. Not knowing what it is, I said to him, makes it even worse. Crap, what am I going to do?
Nico heads back out, and I’m left trying to pull up any memories from last night.
Lowering myself onto my bed, I lean down and pick up my phone to look at the message again. Should I respond?
I don’t want him to think I’m ignoring him, even though that’s exactly what I want to do. I can’t do that to Ricky, though. Especially after hearing he took care of me.
I hesitate over the keyboard.
Giant Mountain—I slept fine
thanks for taking care of me last night
sorry if I was an ass
I don’t know what else to say.
Ricky – That's a relief
I was worried about you
I’m glad you gave me your number
I would have been spamming Nico asking about you
It’s really weird hearing this sentiment coming from him.
Giant Mountain—are you sure you still want to be friends?
Ricky – let's just wait till we see each other later
Giant Mountain—ok, I’ll talk to you later then
Bye
Ricky – bye Taesanie
That doesn’t sound good at all. When I asked him about being friends, he shut down the conversation. He needs to talk to me in person. I have a feeling I’m about to get cussed out in my near future.
Sighing because there is nothing to be done about this situation, I resume getting ready. I need to get rid of this hangover and eat something to calm my stomach.
Sitting at the table, next to Nico and Woonhak I just have to ask. “Hey, Nico, wouldn’t Euijoo be mad or jealous knowing you sleep with Woonagi half the week?”
He scoffs at that. “I’ll have you know that, although it hasn’t been said verbally, but I’m pretty sure I’ve adopted Woonhak.”
I look at him amused. “How so?”
“Well, Woonhak refers to my boyfriend as Mom now, so...” He looks over at Woonhak who’s smiling happily at this.
“Mom loves me.” Woonhak chimes in, smiling with his mouth full of food. “All I have to do is threaten him about telling on him, and he does what I want.”
“How did this even happen? How did Euijoo hyung get so close to Woonagi?”
“That’s a story, but the short version is that Juju misses Taki so he needs someone to fill his spot.”
I’m so confused by this. Taki? As in Taki from &Team? How would he even know him? “Will I even ever hear this ‘story’ or the story about you two meeting?”
“I'll tell you one day. When I know you're ready.”
Now what’s that supposed to mean when I’m ready?
Now that we’re at our last show, it’s kinda sad, but I’m also exhausted. This is like a bittersweet moment.
We worked so hard on this album, and now the official promotions are over. That doesn’t mean the work stops. There is not really a break. There are still magazine shoots, product advertisements, variety shows...the list goes on. And of course it’s back to the studio.
“Taesan, you’re up next for hair and makeup.” Leehan wakes me from my nodding off.
“Are you doing ok, Taesan-ah?” He’s looking at me with his puppy eyes. “Why did you drink so much last night?”
“I’m sorry, I've just got some personal stuff going on. I won’t be doing that again anytime soon.” He’s still looking at me like he wants me to explain more, but I just can’t talk to him about everything yet. “There is someone I like. That’s all.”
He turns to face me. “There's some you like?” His eyes are huge. He looks startled at my confession.
“Yeah, I’ve liked this person for almost 2 years. I’ve been holding this back for almost 2 years. I kinda had a breakdown last night.”
“Why have you never told me this before? You know you can tell me this stuff. You don’t have to keep everything in. You have all of us. We are a family.”
“I know, I need to start doing that a lot more, or I’m going to fall apart.”
The day goes by as usual. Long, lots of waiting, rehearsal, seeing the fans.
Ricky texts me after not running into each other all day, and I don’t respond. This isn’t really a good place to have a private conversation.
I start scrolling through my camera roll, looking at the pictures I’ve taken today.
Then I find something I didn’t expect to see. A selfie of me and Ricky from last night.
When did I take this?
I look happy in it at least, and Ricky has his chin on my shoulder. He’s wearing his serious, sexy face, leaving me questioning again what the heck happened last night.
In the end, I never saw Ricky; that was partly on purpose and partly because their schedule was just too busy.
When I get home, I crash onto my bed. Nico is already in the shower; he is leaving right away to go meet Euijoo again. I’m exhausted emotionally and physically. Ricky keeps texting me and has even called, but I’m too embarrassed to even respond.
“I’m headed out now, Taesanie; don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.”
“Yessir,” I say, saluting him with my face down in my pillow, not even looking up.
After he leaves, I head to the shower next. I plan on vegetating to a drama and falling asleep.
Right when I leave the bathroom, I hear the sound of the doorbell. I hear Leehan’s voice, “Ricky-ah? Nicholas, hyung isn’t here; he left a little bit ago.”
Ricky, oh shit, what is he doing here?
“I know, he says. "I’m not here to see Nico hyung. I’m here for Taesan.”
“Taesan?”
I decide to face up to the inevitable and head to the living room. Seeing Leehan’s confused face when I enter, he looks a little heartbroken. I guess he might be figuring out why Ricky is here for me.
“Hey Ricky-ah, you didn’t have to come here.”
“You wouldn’t answer my texts, Taesan. You ignored my calls. Why won’t you talk to me?” He looks like a boyfriend in a drama after breaking up over a misunderstanding. Desperate. “Please, Taesan. Please, talk to me.”
“What’s going on, Taesan?” Leehan turns to me, asking.
I shake my head. “It’s nothing, Leehan. I’ll just go out for a bit to talk with Ricky.” I slip my shoes on and grab a hat that’s lying by the door. I think it's Riwoo’s. “I’ll be right back, Leehan.”
He keeps watching me, confused, as I pull Ricky out the door with me. “Come on, Ricky-ah, let's talk outside.”
He follows me quietly. He doesn’t say anything the whole way down the elevator, but that doesn’t stop him from looking at me the whole way instead. He seems to be really looking at me. Trying to figure me out.
We reach the parking garage, and I walk to a secluded area where there are no people and there’s a blind spot from the cameras. “Ok, let’s talk.”
“When did you start liking me?”
His abrupt, straightforward question throws me off guard. Did I actually tell him I liked him last night? I’m a fucking idiot. “It was when we were singing at GayoDaejeon together. You smelled really freakin’ good.” I laugh sheepishly. “Then after that, I couldn’t get you out of my head. I wrote so many songs about you. It’s embarrassing.”
He looks surprised at my confession. “I would love to hear them one day.”
I’m bitter now. “Why would you want to? Did I actually tell you I liked you last night? I’m sorry that I did that. You don’t have to pretend to be nice to me because I confessed. I don’t expect that from you”
“You didn’t confess last night. I asked you if you hated me, and you responded that you didn’t and that it was the opposite. So of course that means that you actually like me. I figured you didn’t mean it in a friend's way either, and that was why you were pissed last night.”
“Why are you here, Ricky? Why do we need to talk about this? I’m already embarrassed enough, and I don’t even remember anything I did or said last night after I started drinking.”
“Why do you think I’m here, Taesan?”
He is so frustrated with me now. I’ve never seen him like this before.
“I'm going out of my comfort zone for you, Taesanie. I don’t reach out to people, keep up with group chats, or respond to texts, even from my friends, but I’m the one initiating that, for you. Don’t you think that might mean something?”
What he is saying is crazy. I need to know, though. It’s killing me not knowing how he feels.
“Do you like me? Why have you ignored me so much up until last night?” I stare at him, waiting for an answer.
He’s taking too long to answer yes or no. I’m getting agitated and want to bolt. I’m about ready to when he finally reacts, sensing my unease.
Walking up to me. He responds by grabbing my chin, and with no hesitation this time, brings our lips together.
I kiss him back.
We kiss until we're both out of breath. He leans his head on my shoulder.
“I told them I would only go out last night if you were coming too.” His breath is heavy from the kissing but also from a hesitation. “I didn’t want it to seem so obvious that I liked you. Just in case you didn’t like me back. I had no idea you even liked me till you got drunk.”
He laughs, and I’m embarrassed again by my idiotic self.
“When did you start liking me?” I ask
“The very first time Nicholas introduced us to each other outside of work. When we all went to the arcade. Do you remember that?”
I do remember that. It was way before I started liking him. How is this possible? This is why introverts always stay single.
“I do remember, but why did you like me then?”
He laughs, “I’m not quite sure of the exact moment. I just really thought you were cute, and also,” he turns, a little shy, then looks back, “those pants you were wearing. I couldn’t keep my eyes off your ass. Sorry,” he says, embarrassed.
He smiles at me and nuzzles into me again.
“So, when I text or call, are you going to respond now?” He’s looking at me expectantly with a curious expression on his face.
“When in my drunken state last night did I even manage to give you my number and also the selfie?” I’m really curious about this story.
Laughing at this, he says, “You suddenly grabbed me by my collar.” He grabs me, deciding it’s funniest to reenact it. “Then you got in my face.” He hovers his lips just over mine. “Then you said, Hey, give me your phone; I’m giving you my number. You better call me,” except he’s saying it sexy and quite unlike my drunk ass. I probably yelled in his face.
I gulp. “Then what happened?”
He kisses me before responding. “You put your number in my phone.” He shrugs like that's all.
“What about the photo?”
He shrugs again, a little shy, then says quietly again, “I asked you to take that. You took it on my phone and AirDropped it to yourself.”
He pauses for a second. “I want to go on a date with you. It might not be till after the promotions settle down, but as soon as I have time.”
I let this sink in. This is actually happening and not just me fantasizing.
I nod my head. “OK, I’ll wait for your call.”
I kiss him again and snuggle my nose into his collarbone.
“Why do you always smell so good, Ricky-ah? It drives me crazy.”
He wraps his arms around me. “I’m so glad you got so drunk last night; otherwise, I wouldn’t be holding you in my arms right now.”
“Even though I felt like shit this morning and ashamed, I’m glad, too.”
We stay like this for a few more minutes. Then say goodbye. I am exhausted, and he still has an early schedule tomorrow.
I get back to the dorm, and Leehan is there waiting for me.
The smile on my face drops.
“Leehan, what's wrong? You didn’t have to wait for me.”
“Is that the person you like? Is it Ricky?”
“Hm”, I nod, “yes.”
I start heading to my room. “I'm going to bed now, Leehan. Goodnight.”
I lay down and do what I had planned on doing before Ricky came. I get out my iPad and put on the latest drama everyone has been talking about.
Ricky drops me a text.
Ricky – Goodnight Taesanie
Giant Mountain - goodnight
I drift off after only getting through less than half an episode.
When I wake up the next morning. I feel warmth and arms wrapped around me. Someone's breath is blanketing the back of my neck.
I try moving away, but the hands close in around me tighter.
“Taesanie, can’t you like me instead?”
Leehan?