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Joe knows he’s getting old when it’s Jessie who offers to treat him for lunch about a week before his forty-seventh birthday. After more than two decades of Dad (and Mam) Bank, his eldest has scored a fixed-term contract at the environmental department of Newcastle City Council. Joe is so happy about Jessie doing well, considering he once walked her into a train carriage to witness a woman die. After that, she was quieter for a long time. But looks like it has all turned out well in the end.
See you on Friday then, Dad!
Joe is replying to Jessie’s text in bed, so he shares the observation of his children now paying for his food with Vera. She huffs in scorn.
“You, old? Come back to me when you are sent Christmas Cards with your former bosses’ great-grandchildren in reindeer sweaters on them, I got one last year.”
“Point taken.” Joe puts the phone away and settles in as Vera’s big spoon. They have one big duvet which he thought would never work, but it does make it easier to cuddle. If Vera is not in one of her No Touching moods.
“Besides, what does it make me then, a stegosaurus?” Vera grumbles into her pillow.
“That is very much not true,” Joe replies, giving a little kiss to the back of Vera’s neck. “You don’t have any spikes up here.”
“Excellent empirical skills, DCI Ashworth. Now keep it down and go to sleep. Some of us have important gardening to do in the morning.”
***
Jessie arrives for lunch to a restaurant close to the station, wearing the kind of oversized flowery dress and shapeless cardigan her mother would not be caught dead in, and Vera would die to wear. Jessie’s passion for sustainability and climate concerns means her aesthetics frequently match that of Vera’s. Celine once managed to trick both Vera and Jessie to go shopping with her when she was up North seeing her own family. Joe remembers that day, the three of them returning with a third green mac for Vera, seven patterned woollen jumpers for Jessie and a look of graciously accepted defeat on Celine’s face.
“This actually is Vera’s old dress,” Jessie volunteers without Joe asking. “It was long on her, so I got it.”
“Look’s nice on you. How are things?”
“I got shouted at today. A caller’s neighbour felled a tree on his own land and the caller had liked the look of it. Still, you probably have it rougher.”
“Wouldn’t say so, all the homicides lately have been pretty straightforward to solve. Mostly mates arguing while drunk.”
“That’s so sad.”
“It is, you’re right.”
Jessie orders tofu kung po and Joe a chicken tikka masala. The place has at least seventy courses on its menu. They cover work anecdotes and the effects of the national economy on both of their fields before moving on to Partner Anecdotes. Joe still doesn’t understand where all the time has gone, him sitting here, having an adult conversation with his daughter.
He tells Jessie about Vera’s latest horticultural pursuits and volunteering at the dog shelter, which Jessie already knows about because she talks to Vera all the time anyway. However, Vera had neglected to mention the recent incident when she had ventured to fix a leak in the roof herself. When Joe was at work, naturally, so he hadn’t been around to restrain her.
“She did a pretty good job actually, the roof is better than it was before. She was just about to get back down when I came home.”
Jessie is laughing at the image. “Cheeky! She had probably counted on only telling you about it afterwards.”
“If ever. Anyway, here I am, rushing towards her and the ladder, calling her mad, the usual – “
“Did she say anything?
“I believe she said, ‘Joe, the way you must make an almighty fuss about completely normal household chores is pretty controlling, actually. ‘”
Jessie hums in appreciation. “Classic Vera.”
“And then a ladder rung gave way and she fell the last six feet.”
“Oh, no, more than her own height! Is she okay now?”
“She’s herself,” Joe says diplomatically. He refuses to categorise Vera’s gluttony for adrenaline as ‘okay’. “I took her to the A&E.”
“Hah, she must have absolutely hated that!”
“She was seething.” Joe grins. “I told her she looks cute when she is annoyed, and she almost threw a takeaway cup of hot chocolate on us. But enough about the madhouse, how is Raheem?”
Joe has a broadly positive opinion on Jessie’s partner, even though he wouldn’t say he knows the lad that well. They met at uni and for the most part of that Joe was still living in the Midlands. Then he was made DCI, and time for meetups with next-of-kin is hard enough to arrange as it is without considering any in-laws. But the lad is a soft-spoken engineer who seems to make his daughter happy. He is always very complimentary of Celine’s taste in interior design and plays video games with Mikey and Fran. Jessie seems to have lucked out in that department too.
Or least that is what Joe thought, until his simple question makes Jessie’s smile disappear. She straightens her back and looks him in the eye far longer than she ever does in one go.
“Dad,” she starts tentatively, “Raheem is doing fine. But I actually wanted to see you because I need to tell you something, with Raheem’s permission, because this concerns him too.”
“What’s happened?” If they are in some sort of trouble, why didn’t she say straight away?
“Dad, I’m pregnant. About five weeks maybe, six max.”
His breath catches in his throat. He manages to stop himself from asking several unhelpful questions and finally settles with: “Are you absolutely sure?”
“Look, I took a photo.” She shows a picture of three pregnancy tests laid onto the kitchen table at her flat. They are indeed all positive tests.
“Right.” Joe rubs his eyes a bit and takes a few deep breaths. Jessie is an adult on paper, but sitting in front of him, she looks so very young. Pleading with her eyes for him to say something.
He has vowed himself to never let his children feel like they are trapped in a situation with no way out. And Jessie and Raheem clearly need his help now.
“It is alright, we will get through this,” he says and squeezes Jessie’s hand.
“We will?”
“Of course, you don’t have to worry at all. It’s not like it was before, when something like this could put your life on a different path from what you would have wanted for good”
Jessie looks confused. “You sound like something horrible is going on.”
“No, not at all. Just a little blip, and once this is sorted you can just continue as normal.” Joe suddenly realises something. “Hang on, is that why you asked us here? Do you need me to pay for the abortion?”
“Dad, no!” She looks around the restaurant, making him realise how loud he has gotten in the past minute.
“Sorry Jess, didn’t mean to draw attention to it. I mean, the easiest way to get it done is probably to go private, and even with the two of you working, it can be pricy. I’m happy to contribute.”
Jessie nods, staring at her half-eaten plate. “No thanks, dad. I didn’t ask you here because I need money. I just wanted to tell you what’s going on, that’s all. We’re not sure how many people we want to loop in before your birthday dinner next week.”
He had wondered why she had insisted on meeting this very week, just the two of them. But it did make sense now. Joe takes his daughter by the hand again.
“Jess, this will all turn out fine, you don’ t need to give up any of the good things in your life.” She nods with a quiet sob. “Even if you don’t need financial support, please tell us if there’s any other way me or Vera can help.”
“Of course, dad. Thanks dad.” She pushes her plate away. “I need to start getting back to work now.”
Joe vows her to get back in touch as soon as she gets a termination date, or even if she doesn’t, they’ll sort something out. Joe watches her walk away, then pushes his daughter’s problem into a corner of his mind for later perusal. He has paperwork to do, and feeling anxious about Jessie is in this moment a luxury he cannot afford.
***
After returning to the office, Joe leaves his work phone on Aiden’s desk for a couple of hours. It was Aiden’s idea originally, babysitting the CDI’s phone at times when Joe has an important deadline to meet. “I don’t mind playing the fetching secretary every now and then,” he had said with a wry smile. Vera could never be parted with her phone, of course. For all his faults, Joe is at least better at delegating than her.
Joe gets to concentrate for an hour after lunch before Aiden bursts through the door, waving the silent, flashing phone and looking very worried.
“Boss, boss, boss! I’ve been ignoring one-off calls like we have agreed, but Vera has called so many times already, I’ve never seen that before! What if something’s happened to her? Don’t you have your own phone on you, hasn’t she tried you on that?”
Joe’s blood goes cold. His personal phone has been in his coat pocket, also on silent. Who knows how many times Vera has called that, too? What if she’s fallen off a cliff or out of a tree or finally had another heart attack, brought on by one chip too many?
“Boss, what if she’s gotten on the roof again?” Aiden says, almost reading his thoughts.
Joe rips the phone out of Aiden’s hands and answers VERA STANHOPE PRIVATE NUMBER. “I’m so sorry love, please tell me you are all right!”
“JOSEPH ASHWORTH!” Vera thunders into the phone, more furious with him than she’s been in years. “Did you just tell your Jessie that having a bairn at her age would ruin her life? What the hell were you thinking when you did that?”
“Sorry, what?” Joe had been prepared for almost anything else than Vera being angry at him, and he is so taken aback by her temper he doesn’t know what else to say. Aiden is still standing in the doorway, desperate for news on Vera’s condition. When Vera continues to shout, Joe shows him a thumbs up and an “o” for okay, and Aiden turns away with an audible sigh of relief and closes the door.
“Answer me, Joe! Did you or did you not tell your twenty-three-year-old daughter that becoming a mother would ruin her life?”
“That’s not what I said to her at all!” Joe is so busy feeling indignant at the accusation that it takes him a second to take the words in. “Hang on, Vera, did she already tell you – “
“Your twenty-three your-old daughter, Joe, who was born when you were how old again? Jessie, your eldest, if you can remember all the way back then?”
Oh, no no no.
“Hang on love, you’ve got the wrong end of the stick here.” Joe returns to sit at his desk. “I haven’t said that at all, I’m sure Jessie didn’t take it like it either.”
“Joe,” Vera has lowered her tone and now just sounds sad, ”She did indeed take it like that, if the messages I’ve received from her are of any indication. She says you not only took the news very badly, you made it sound like you regretted having her.”
“That’s not, what, what the hell is happening in this family?” Joe looks out into the open plan space and of course sees most of the staff members staring back at him. He gets back up, draws the blinds, and continues: “I did tell her I would support her with the termination anyway I could, if she and Raheem are skint at the moment. And I said that’s it’s not like before, when an unwanted pregnancy could ruin all the plans you’ve had for your life. How is that not supportive?”
Vera sighs. “Joe. She does not want an abortion; they would like to keep the bairn. Which you couldn’t let her say before you went all mad dad on her. She was so excited to tell you, and you didn’t listen at all. Is this some weird overcompensation for exposing her to Catholicism at a tender age, or what?”
Only now does it sink in with Joe that he has fucked up royally. And he hadn’t even realised it himself. “Is that really what she told you?” he asks, his voice faltering a bit.
“It is, indeed.”
“But why is it you she’s telling how she felt? Why not her mam?”
“Well maybe she is afraid of Celine’s reaction after you did the exact opposite of what she would have needed.” Vera’s voice has changed to almost gentle. “I suppose she has learned that I am judgemental of many things, but never about a lass’ right to choose. Or a person’s, if the pregnant person is not a lass of course.”
If Joe wasn’t so upset by his own stupidity, he would commend Vera on her modern understanding of gender. “And maybe Jessie knew that you would make a beeline to the nearest communication device and chew us out on it,” he points out.
“Possibly, she’s a clever lass. Look, Joe, I understand you tried to help her in your own way, but you really need to fix this.”
“You’re right love, of course you are. I’ll go get my own phone and get right back to it.”
Aiden slams the door open again. “Boss, I’m sorry to interrupt family matters, but Cairney has been seen near the central station with a suspicious bag. Uniform and operations have cordoned off the area, bomb squad’s on its way.”
“Vera, I’ll get right back to it after we have stopped a suspect turning into a suicide bomber.” Joe goes to grab his leather jacket. “Aiden sends his love.”
“Of course you will, and right back at him. Joe, pet?”
“Yeah, love?”
“Please be careful. Even when you are an idiot, you’re my idiot.”
“I will. Bye now. Aiden, let’s go!”
Aiden is driving, so Joe has time to send Jessie a quick message on the way to the site.
sorry Jess for saying hurtful things today should have let you talk. very proud of you as always, lets’s talk later properly. Your Dad xxx
***
The bomb threat is eliminated successfully with zero casualties, including Carney himself, and zero need to write any letters to internal or external investigational bodies on police misconduct. Some media interest arises of course, but Joe gives a statement to the press office and won’t be answering anything else until the next day. Still, it was an intense one, so Joe is grateful for Aiden’s suggestion to grab a coffee at the Quayside before heading home. They sit in companiable silence for a bit, and Joe checks his personal phone. Jessie has reacted to his message with a thumbs up but not replied with anything else. Joe hasn’t the foggiest what that is supposed to mean.
“So Vera is completely fine?” Aiden asks, and even with his worries, it tugs at Joe’s heartstrings. Vera is so hard to get close to that he appreciates everyone who recognises her as a person with vulnerabilities.
Joe sighs. “Physically, her old self. Mentally, massively ticked off at me, I think. It’s rare, but I might even get the sofa shift for tonight.” He exaggerates, but Aiden knows that he does, so it’s not really that bad.
“Why, what have you done, boss?”
“To be fair to Vera, by the end she had stopped breathing fire and was more disappointed in us. Can’t say I blame her.”
“Then it can’t be you getting the Land Rover scratched on something. She would still be going in that case.”
Possibly. Joe thinks back to the phone conversation. “Just how much did you hear?”
Aiden looks sheepish. “Someone is pregnant, and I’d hazard a guess it isn’t Vera.”
Joe has to chuckle a bit at that. He would kill for all three of his kids, but him and Vera physically unable to have any more is a relief.
“Well, in all seriousness, it’s our Jessie.”
“Joe! Brilliant news!” Aidan lights up, then becomes sombre again. “I did hear something about a termination. Is Jessie all right?”
“She might have been, before I waded in.” Joe runs his finger through his hair and stares into the water. “It’s a bit complicated at the moment.”
“I can imagine. With my four sisters and all that.”
Joe’s phone vibrates. It’s not Jessie like he had hoped for. But it’s Vera.
Jessie asked if she could come round, so I went to get her. We are at the house now. Vera always writes in complete sentences and punctuation.
“Can you give me a lift to the station, Aiden? I should get home.”
“Of course, boss. I need to go pick up my lad from football too.”
***
Vera and Jessie are having squash in the garden when Joe turns up. Jessie looks like her old self, smiling when she sees him walk across the yard. It makes Joe wonder how often his daughter has been upset with him before and still acted like everything is perfectly normal. His partner looks serious, but at least Vera doesn’t seem angry right now.
“There you two are.” Joe sits down in a vacant chair, facing the two of them. Better to get straight to it. “Jessie, I honestly am sorry for hurting you today. And for jumping to conclusions. I should have listened to what you had to say before mouthing off.”
“I think I should leave you two to it and go sort tea out,” Vera says in a friendly tone and gets up. She gives Jessie a little smile and Joe a pat on the back as she walks by.
“Did Vera tell you she called us?”
“She did, yeah.” Jessie turns to look at him instead of the field. “She said you wanted to protect me and that’s why you went overboard. And that it is all right to feel hurt by what you said, even if you didn’t mean it.”
“She’s right about that.” Joe sighs. “Look, Jessie, I went at it the entirely wrong way, but what I said about being there still stands. Tell me and Vera, and your mam of course, and Mikey and Frannie if we can help you in any way we can. I’m sure there’s going to be plenty of opportunities for that.” He is rambling because he really doesn’t want to muddy things up any more than he has. Luckily his daughter knows this about him and has listened calmly.
“Thanks dad, even though that wasn’t what I was worried about. Thing is, you sounded like having me ruined your life.”
“Never.” His tone is firm, because it is the truth and he wants to nip the idea in the bud as quickly as possible.
“And that you were trying to stop me from making the same mistake.”
“God no, Jessie.” He leaves his seat and sits down next to Jessie, in Vera’s chair, because the last thing he wants now is more distance between them. “Just to be clear, I have never, ever in my life regretted having any of the three of you. You are not just my children; you are all amazing people in your own right. But to be honest with you, I know I have made so many mistakes as a parent, like when the three of you were small and I was either at work, or on autopilot when I was at home.”
“I don’t remember it like that, dad. I remember us having plenty of fun.”
“That’s good, me and your mam were often really tired, though. And then when we moved to the Midlands, with my job making me physically absent so often, I had new reasons to feel guilty.”
“What about the divorce, have you felt guilty about that, too?” Jessie asks. Maybe she has wanted to ask about it for some time. Or maybe she wonders what the future will eventually hold for her and Raheem.
“Funny enough, the therapist just asked me that again.” Joe scratches his beard before answering. “Because all of us seem to be doing fine now, I mostly feel guilty that me and your mam didn’t split up sooner.”
“I understand.” Jessie’s insightful. Even living at uni halls then, of course she must have noticed how for their last year of marriage, her dad and mam didn’t do much together that didn’t concern their children, her dad’s dad, or their shared property. “That’s what mam says as well.”
“Right.” Joe doesn’t have heart-to-heart conversations with Celine very often himself these days, so he is pleased to hear that she feels the same.
“But to get back to what’s going on now.” Jessie points at her stomach. “We have now established that you didn’t mind having us. But what do you think about me and Raheem having this one?”
His mind had approached the news as only a problem to be solved, so of course he hadn’t yet stopped to think what Jessie being a parent would feel like for him. He gathers his thoughts for a moment. “Well, now that I’ve understood you want this, a bit excited of course, and curious. It will be so interesting to see what kind of person that kid turns out to be.”
“I’ll take excited and curious,” Jessie says, smiling.
“Although when they are in that phase when they run around and want to climb everywhere, I hope someone else volunteers for babysitting. I worry enough as it is, keeping Vera off high surfaces.”
“I’ll promise to keep that in mind.” Jessie closes the space between them and gives Joe a hug. Maybe, just maybe, he hasn’t caused any permanent damage to his relationship with her today.
“Tea is ready!” Vera yells from the door. She can't have heard them from there but must have taken the embrace as indication that Joe and Jessie have reached an agreement for now.
“We weren’t out here that long,” Joe remarks as they walk towards the house. “My bet is on defrosted lentil soup or defrosted soy bolognese, since you’re here.”
“Sounds brilliant.”
“Have you thought about calling your mam? It’s only fair that all three of us heard about this the same day.”
“Already did before you came home, Vera reminded me. She’s over the moon, of course.”
“Of course.”
***
“What a day,” Joe sigs as he crawls into bed, next to Vera and her book on Tyneside and Northumberland folktales.
“You did manage to fit in quite a lot,” Vera agrees, wrapping an arm round Joe and giving him a kiss on the temple without lifting her eyes from the book.
“Vera?”
“Yes, pet?”
“Thank you for letting us know I’d cocked up so bad. And for taking care of Jessie.”
“Anytime, love. The novelty of you admitting when you’ve been wrong hasn’t worn off yet, feel free to do it again.”
Joe groans. “I’m such a shit dad.”
“Cut the self-pity,” Vera tells him. “From how the bairns have turned out, you could have done a lot worse. Though of course you’d feel like that, you’re a copper after all.”
Joe wants to cuddle, so Vera does puts the book away. After a while, she says: “Remember when you said that Jessie paying for your food made you feel old?”
“Aye.”
“Does knowing you’re going to be a grandad make you feel the same amount of old or older than that?”
“Positively ancient, thanks for asking.”
Vera laughs softly into his ear. “At least next to us you’ll always look less wrinkly. And at your age, your back can still take picking the bairn up, carrying a nappy bag, that sort of thing.”
Joe tries for his best smouldering look. “Want to find out what else my back can take?”
“I probably walked straight into that one. Although I thought you’d never ask, love.”