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Jess is pregnant.
Sam wants to throw up even though he’s the father.
She wants to keep it. (How long has this been real? Did her contraceptives fail?)
Sam can’t say no.
It’d be cruel to say no, would it not?
He can’t deny Jess a family. She wants a family. Not just a kid, but a family. A family where he is the father and she is the mother and this unborn child is theirs to love.
Another twist of nausea rips through Sam.
“You're serious?” Sam manages, because what else can he say?
That he can’t be a father?
That he doesn’t want a family?
That he never loved his in the first place?
And Jess smiles. Happy. Gleeful. Overjoyed, maybe? Sam can’t place his finger on it.
He knows he doesn’t mirror the emotion.
He owes it to her.
He owes it to his father.
Hell, he fucking owes it to Dean.
She wants a kid, John might’ve wanted a grandchild, and Dean definitely wanted nieces and nephews.
He owes it to all of them. To keep the bloodline alive. In fair trade for all they’ve done for him. He owes it to them. It’s his job simply by virtue of existing.
Sam’s body shakes as he lay curled on the floor. The bitter aftertaste of vomit on his tongue.
He’s gonna be a dad— no, he is a dad. He became a dad the second it took.
The only difference is that now he’s aware of this inevitably coming crashing down around him.
The inevitably that he will be a father. That he owes it to everyone around him to be one. That there was no reality where he wouldn’t end up a father. That it’s just the way things are and that he needs to figure it out before he fucks up this kid worse than John fucked him up.
He drags himself back up to resting with bent knees, head between them. He’s broken into a cold sweat over something as pathetic as this.
It’s inevitable in the same way that Dean calling him “brother” is inevitable.
Family is always inevitable, even if he can’t handle it.
He should be getting baby fever by now, shouldn’t he?
Excited. Eager. Wanting another kid already. He should be getting all those symptoms. He’s sure of it. People act like that when their partners are pregnant.
He’d ask whats wrong with himself but he already knows.
He never loved his family, and he’s not gonna love this one either. As the father or the youngest, family nauseates him.
But Jess, she wants a family. She’s pregnant. She’s showing. She’s set on it.
Sam would rather die then be more absent of a father then John was.
So he stays.
Jess is dead.
Dean is saying it’s a shame he never got a chance to meet his future niece.
And Sam hates that amidst all the grief, he feels relief that she took his worst nightmare with her.