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Come to think of it, it’s a little silly, falling in love.
It’s sillier than Joohyun had expected, because it happens on a random, free Monday as she wakes up ten minutes past ten in Seulgi’s bed, disoriented.
Seulgi sits up and yawns from where she was sleeping on a cot on the floor of her cozy but cramped room, and she looks at her while rubbing her eye. And her hair is adorably defying gravity, and she says, “good morning, unnie,” in the softest voice ever and Joohyun dumbly thinks, oh, okay then.
It doesn’t come with background music like on the dramas she grew up watching after school and time doesn’t slow down nor does it stretch to mark a definite point in Joohyun’s lifetime after which Seulgi goes from being her dear friend to a solid reason why she suddenly wants to cry.
It doesn’t even feel all that different, it’s just that her affections for the girl are suddenly very, very loud and very, very hard to ignore.
Seulgi doesn’t wait for an answer and yawns again, looking a tiny bit more awake. She rests her head on the edge of the bed and smiles at her, pretty and lazy and way too close. Closer than usual? Joohyun can’t tell. “Did you sleep well?” she asks. It’s intentional and genuinely curious, not a habit.
“Yeah,” Joohyun breathes out, now acutely aware that she’d stopped breathing altogether. She feels her lips tremble a little, and she blinks. Seulgi has a very beautiful face that today Joohyun really wants to kiss. “You?”
“Yeah,” Seulgi repeats, her eyes curving into perfect crescents.
They stare at one another. It’s silent, filled with tension that’s simultaneously featherlight and suffocating. Only because Seulgi looks at her shyly, like she might open her mouth and say “unnie, you’re so pretty” again. And it would be fine if this time, it didn’t threaten to make Joohyun’s heart stop altogether.
It’s definitely silly, Joohyun confirms, because Seulgi then promises her a homemade brunch after they wash up and leaves for the bathroom and Joohyun thinks, oh, okay.
Okay, then.
She falls in love on a random, free Monday in Seulgi’s bed, and it settles like a quiet realization that sort of explains a lot of things, and sorts of confuses her more. Sort of should be a big deal, but sort of isn’t.
Sort of because of no reason in particular, yet sort of because of all that makes Seulgi, Seulgi at once.
_
Seulgi’s a surprisingly good cook. She hasn’t always been good – Joohyun would never confess to having occasionally ended up with an upset stomach because Seulgi felt like cooking during their trainee days – but she is, now.
She makes perfect eggrolls, waffle-croissants and a salad with colors and smoothies that don’t taste too much like kale.
And it’s like she’s dancing in the kitchen, so like always Joohyun can’t take her eyes off her, always the willing partner.
Joohyun realizes that Seulgi has changed a lot. She cooks now and doesn’t throw her clothes haphazardly on the sofa.
Gradually, in a way that’s shy and subtle, and so entirely Seulgi.
Honest change that you’d miss if you didn’t care. Joohyun desperately cares.
She cares that Seulgi’s voice is a bit deeper than before, and that she’s got a scar on her calf from their hikes in Japan, and that her eyes look more tired than she remembers, yet also surer. Self-assured. She cares that she’s always been the more hopeful one of their group of friends, but it’s of a different quality now: hard-won rather than naïve.
She cares that she no longer adds ketchup to everything she eats, and she cares that Seulgi is so, so effortlessly attractive.
Her body’s different too, now, less soft and sturdier, and Joohyun cares because as she gets closer to where Seulgi’s standing at the stove, cooking sausages and ranting about ripping her vintage Levis jeans the other day, as she hugs her from behind and Seulgi’s so used to it she only smiles to herself, Joohyun wants her to care too.
She wants her to care that Joohyun cares.
“Thank you for the meal,” she tells her barely above a whisper. She rests her head on Seulgi’s shoulder and wraps her arms around her waist, bold and intimate. It’s new enough that the younger girl pauses, yet welcome enough she melts in it.
Seulgi turns off the stove and pauses, hovering for a second before it settles on Joohyun’s arm. “You didn’t even taste it yet,” she teases.
It’s silly that she’s never noticed before how right it feels to share her space with Seulgi. She’s always shared her space with Seulgi. Maybe that’s why she’s never noticed.
“Let’s eat,” she says, twisting in Joohyun’s hold until they face one another and pauses again. “Even if… it’s nice that unnie is a little clingy, today.”
At that, Joohyun breaks the contact and pretends to be offended. “Me? Clingy?” She snorts, turning around to hide a blush and ever the actress maintains a façade as she walks to the small table and sits. “I beg to differ. I have at least a thousand pictures of you fallen asleep on me. Half of which you’re drooling on me, by the way.”
If Seulgi notices Joohyun’s only wearing one sock, she doesn’t comment on it. She laughs, loud and bright, kind of like she can’t and doesn’t want to help it. “And I take full responsibility for every sleepy arm I’ve ever given you,” she says, tongue poking. “It’s why I feed you, why I let you steal my shirts and why I give you my Netflix account.”
She sits next to Joohyun instead of in front of her and it’s nice.
Seulgi’s a good cook, but it’s bad, because Joohyun now wants every morning to have a little more of this.
Which is silly, because she’s not even a breakfast person.
They wash the dishes while listening to Sooyoung’s unfinished new songs she sent them, making comments about how green it sounds. It’s something they can only say out loud to each other and the other members because it’d take too many words to explain how a sound can have color.
They sit on the sofa, at first centimeters apart, sipping Barley water. It takes three jokes before Joohyun’s somehow leaning on Seulgi’s shoulder already, and three more before Seulgi holds her and turns on the television.
It takes her heart finally settling in her chest as they waste their only free day in three months to realize it’s not so silly to have someone to love.
Except, now it’s scary.
_
They don’t meet for two weeks after that. It gives Joohyun time to think, or rather to not think, or if she’s being honest, to think about not thinking about the only person she can’t stop thinking about.
Seulgi’s everywhere, nowadays, and Joohyun’s surprised to have come to that observation because Seulgi has always been everywhere so what’s different now?
When they shared a dorm, she used to leave her pocket money in Joohyun’s wallet and her jacket on Joohyun’s desk chair. When they debuted, she used to always stand next to her on music shows and force Irene to wear matching socks. If she binges shows it’s on Joohyun’s bed, and sometimes under it too when it’s a bit too hot at home, but then Joohyun joins her there because she can hear her cry a little when something sad happens and she worries. She doesn’t want Seulgi to get used to crying alone.
It’s different. Seulgi hides in moments and in thoughts, now, too. Like a little thief of joy, except she steals joy from the universe and puts it in Joohyun’s chest.
Yerim catches her stalking her Instagram during dance practice. And then, she’s suddenly looking at her with a scandalized expression that has Joohyun defensively asking, “what?”
“Oh my god, you’re in love with her,” Yerim whispers, hands over her mouth, eyes so wide they might pop off.
Joohyun blinks with a blank face. “You’re ridiculous.”
“No, no, no,” Yerim shakes her head in jerky movements that could’ve been funny if Joohyun’s heart didn’t freeze and restart in an irregular pattern. “You’re looking at pictures of her with a silly smile. You’ve been humming her songs all morning. You’re wearing her shirt. You’re in love with Seulgi unnie.”
“You’re so dramatic, I get why you like acting,” she said, her voice too kind to be mean, even if she aimed for mean. “It’s astounding how fast you jump from A to Z, frankly. I am straight, and also, not in love.”
Yerim grins.
“What?” Joohyun asks again, aggravated.
“I think you’re very smart, and also an idiot,” she says, her voice diplomatic enough that Joohyun’s confused as to whether she should get offended. “Have you ever liked a man? Fictional men don’t count.”
“No,” Joohyun replies, though she personally thinks it’s irrelevant. Even fictional men don’t interest her particularly.
“Exactly. And neither has Seulgi.” She pauses. “I have seen you both cancel dates to spend time together instead, and you both were oddly supportive when I came out as a lesbian – kind of telling, if you ask me.”
“And no one’s asking,” Joohyun shoves her away, but Yerim barely budges. “Would you rather we’re homophobic, then?” She asks, huffing. “Leave me alone.”
“Fine, fine, fine,” Yerim singsongs as she stands up. Their pause is up. “I just think, it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever, to fall in love with her. She’s great.”
Joohyun agrees, albeit silently.
But it’s been two weeks, and she didn’t exactly answer Seulgi’s texts. She needs time, and it’s not time to not think, or to think about not thinking about her, but rather time to think of reasons why she should want to stop thinking about her.
If she’s being honest, she comes up with none.
_
She bursts into Sooyoung’s house a week later and finds her doing Yoga with Yerim in the living room while Seungwan plays Candycrush on the floor next to them and she says, “I think I’m in love with Seulgi. I’m not supposed to be in love with Seulgi.”
Yerim laughs when Sooyoung’s butt hits the corner of the table as she falls in surprise, and Seungwan loses her game.
They talk all night that night and Sooyoung’s voice is a little sore when she goes to the recording booth the next day.
It feels a little less silly and scary, now, but when her phone buzzes with another text in her pocket she can’t bring herself to type a reply.
_
It’s past eight pm when Seulgi calls her ten days later, sounding a bit breathless. She’s probably walking, and Joohyun hears just how windy it is outside. She’s glad she answered, even if she’s scared. Seulgi walks when she’s anxious – it’s a thing she picked up during trainee days, when it was either regular exercise or the therapist prescribes her anti-anxiety medication.
“Hi,” Seulgi says, and there is a smile in her voice.
It’s enough to make Joohyun smile. “Hi. Are you okay?”
Seulgi pauses a second or two. “Kind of,” she offers hesitantly. She breathes out shakily. “Unnie… Have you lost a sock?”
Joohyun blinks, her smile freezing before she snorts amusedly. “Huh?”
“It’s just – you’ve avoided me for almost a month, now, and I found an Angry Stitch sock under my bed and it had a hole in it so I learnt how to sew it on Youtube, and I guess I can sew now? Kind of, anyway.” Seulgi says in one breath, then audibly gulps. She sounds painfully cute. “So I’m wondering if you lost a sock. And if you’re avoiding me, or if I did something wrong – to which I’d apologize if you let me. I… don’t think I did a good job sewing your sock.”
There are moments in life in which Joohyun finds that she’s capable of feeling everything at once, and this is one of those moments. She feels pained, because she never meant to hurt Seulgi. Seulgi walks when she’s anxious, and she sounds so anxious right now that she wants nothing more than to go to her and apologize. Joohyun feels charmed, or at least 25% more in love with her cute babbling. And she feels confused. And kind of like laughing. Or crying.
It’s silly.
“Huh?” she says again, because she’s not sure what else to say.
Seulgi curses under her breath and makes a sound that alarms Joohyun a little, because she sounds like she’s about to cry. “It’s just… I really want to know… have you lost a sock? And did you hear me when I said ‘I am in love with you’ to you, that night? Because I have been for a while now, so much, and I thought you were asleep. I can’t figure out what else I could’ve done to scare you away. And I found your sock, but you won’t answer my texts.” Seulgi makes a sound that tugs at Joohyun’s heart. “Can we pretend I didn’t say anything?”
Joohyun’s heart squeezes even more painfully. “Seulgi… I didn’t,” she says and breathes in. “I didn’t hear you when you said that.. I… I was really asleep, yeah.”
“Oh.”
The wind on Seulgi’s end is so strong and it’s weird, cause it’s not windy at all when Joohyun goes to the balcony. The silence is heavy and uncomfortable and Joohyun walks to grab her jacket. “Where are you? Can I come join you?”
Seulgi laughs a little, sounding embarrassed and shy. “I’d love that but… I’m in Japan.”
“Oh.” Joohyun’s heart lurches again, and she feels helpless. “I’m sorry for not answering your texts. I was… I was a little confused and needed time for myself to figure things out and should’ve warned you. It had nothing to do with you”
“It’s okay,” the younger girl says and sighs. “I’m sorry that’s how I ended up confessing to you. On the phone and not making sense.”
“It does make sense. You’re…” Perfect. She swallows the word and Joohyun really, really wants to see Seulgi again, now. She feels so stupid for not reaching out sooner. “Don’t be sorry, please.”
“It’s okay,” she says again, and this time quiets down altogether. When neither of them knows what to say, and Joohyun hears what sounds like Seulgi’s father in the distance calling, Seulgi sighs again, “I’m sorry again, unnie. I.. have to go. I’m so sorry.”
Oh.
When she hangs up, a strange sense of dread settles in Joohyun’s stomach and her mind races with a million thought – one of which sounds so much dumber than the others.
The smart thing to do here would’ve been texting or calling back to clear things up.
Joohyun calls Seungwan and asks for where Seulgi is exactly and books a flight for Japan. Ignores her when she asks if everything’s okay.
_
It’s silly. It really, really is. The next day, she finds herself doing something incredibly silly, something that yerim corrects her is incredibly romantic but is in fact incredibly spontaneous – but Joohyun is not usually spontaneous.
She knocks on the door of a hotel room that she knew because Seulgi brought her here a few years ago. She didn’t pack nearly enough clothes for the weather, so she’s sort of freezing and she has very odd helmet hair from the Stitch beanie she bought in the streets while walking here.
The irony of it is not lost on her, and she shouldn’t be here, she shouldn’t have co—
The door opens and Seulgi freezes with her mouth open, clearly surprised.
“Hi,” Joohyun says, then pauses to lick her lips and blink. Seulgi doesn’t answer, but the younger girl tears up almost instantly and Joohyun panics, cursing herself. “No, no don’t cry. Seulgi don’t cry. I’m sorry”
She gets closer and Seulgi bites her lip to hold back tears, always endearingly following Joohyun’s words. Joohyun’s heart jumps out of her chest to find Seulgi’s, hopes to sit next to it and stay there forever.
“I know you probably needed space after yesterday, and it’s unfair cause I took all the space and time I needed when I needed it, and should give you yours now,” she says, “but I’m here. Is it okay I’m here? I can leave.”
It’s a little awkward to do this so… publicly and where anyone could hear but Seulgi shakes her head and mouths it’s okay and Joohyun wants to kiss her so bad.
Instead, she doesn’t, and doesn’t think much when she asks, “Have you seen my sock?” It’s enough to confuse Seulgi out of wanting to cry. Joohyun is grateful, takes a step closer and unsurely searches her eyes, looks for a love that perhaps mirrors hers. “I think I left it in your room, the other day, when I fell in love with you.”
Quiet resolve is all Joohyun has, and a part of her is terrified but a bigger part, the part that grew old with Seulgi watching Reply 1988 under their dorm bed and performing on stage for thousands of strangers that feel like family, feels a lot like coming home after a long day of work.
This time, seconds do stretch and Joohyun can distinctly pinpoint the moment Seulgi’s tears fall, the moment she takes a step back for Joohyun to get in her room only to slam into her and press her against the door and hug her so tightly it hurts a little.
It hurts good, though, like aching muscles after exercise, or a deep breath after a high note.
Joohyun lets go of the bag in her hand and wraps her arms around Seulgi. She’s easy to hold. She’s a bit taller, which is nice. Joohyun’s surprised that she’s not crying herself, and she holds her tighter.
Seulgi’s voice is muffled when she says, “they’re very ugly socks.”
It’s silly. “You bought me those socks.”
“I know.”
Seulgi pulls away to look at her, really look at her.
Joohyun finds her pretty even with smudged makeup and tears running down her cheeks. Especially when she looks so cute. She reaches hesitantly to wipe her tears away, and Seulgi closes her eyes and lets out a shuddering breath.
“Then,” Joohyun leans forward a little. “You must know, I have loved you most of my life.” Perhaps not romantically, but still. Joohyun kisses her forehead, and Seulgi grips her shirt tightly. Joohyun finds it way too attractive. “I’m not sure what you did that made my feelings for you suddenly so loud, and different, and I still don’t understand myself but- please, Seulgi, be patient a little bit more.”
“Okay,” Seulgi says, not opening her eyes. Has she always been this attractive? God.
When they kiss, Joohyun finally gets it, what the movies and the songs and the books mean. Seulgi’s lips are soft and inviting, and Joohyun finds herself pressed against the door again, but she doesn’t complain.
Maybe, yeah, she was supposed to fall in love with Seulgi all along.
_
It takes a while but Seulgi does eventually admit she fucked up sewing Joohyun’s sock, and Joohyun’s voice is mock annoyed and entirely too happy when she says, “ohhhh noooo, I guess now we have to buy new onessss.”
Joohyun gets them matching ugly Stitch socks that Seulgi ‘hates’ but forces her to wear together all the time.
Love’s silly like that.