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It isn't unusual for Dan Heng to find Stelle awake, lingering in an empty car late at night when everyone else is asleep in their cabins.
It's not rare for him to find her.
It just happens. He doesn't know when it started. Dan Heng always had nightmares for as long as he remembers. After doing the Astral Express, this fact remained true. Though at least he no longer has to swallow down midnight panic attacks in some corner of a cargo ship with Cloud Piercer clit he'd wildly in one hand and the other covering his face out of fear of being seen and recognized, out of the terror of whether that man will find him first or his previous incarnation’s memories will come to haunt him.
Dan Heng finds reprieve in the empty cars of the Astral Express, the faint music coming from the photograph and the starry sea outside.
Stelle has similar ideas.
For a person who woke up with no recollection of their past life, Stelle has an awful lot of nightmares. March had restless nights too but very little bad dreams and Himeko always managed to calm her down just fine within minutes. One quiet hug and reassuring words and March would be back to sleep, no doubt missing their morning training. He doesn't scold her on such days.
On the other hand, Stelle has nightmares wild and vivid. Of her chest exploding with the heat of a star, of her not finding her own heartbeat above the hum of the Cancer — (“Dan Heng, am I alive? Am I still alive, Dan Heng?”) — of trembling hands and golden blood. Cracks in time, the ticking of a clock, scars and scalpels and something not quite human she sees in the mirror. Then the tamer yet more mysterious ones; the feeling of a feline following behind her, the faint scent of blood, a dream no one shared, the way she swears she had a multiplayer game loaded last night.
Of vivid wine coloured eyes.
That one always makes his breath hitch.
Stelle was connected to the Stellaron Hunters. This they all are sure of. In some way. Likely a part of the organization, given how close and at ease she always appears to be despite their sudden appearances.
But the Astral Express is open to accept anyone. If they can accept someone like him, Stelle who remembers nothing of that life shouldn't be treated differently and put in the same category as a criminal.
She deserves this. She deserves a home.
But on nights when Stelle dreams of Kafka…
Dan Heng wonders how much longer they can pretend to be the home she needs.
He doesn't like the thought. Of course, he doesn't.
But he's a man of facts and logic. He prefers rationale over emotion.
So it hurts to think that if given the choice, Stelle may choose Kafka over them. Over him.
A selfish thought, yes. But he has been very selfish lately. Incredibly so, in the way he lets himself smile more often. When he lets March and Stelle make a pillow fort in the Archives. When he stays up late to provide feedback on Welt's sketchbook. When he follows Himeko to the kitchen every time to help her.
When he holds Stelle in quiet moments. When he lets himself exist in her sweet embrace and warm laughter. When soft kisses speak of his affection on her skin under the blankets. When he lets her drag him to a random food stall and call it a date.
He's been selfish.
But she's the one who taught him that it was okay to be selfish sometimes. Especially when it came to the people you cared for, loved.
So when he finds Stelle in the Party Car one night, grabbing three bottles from the bar and heading back upstairs to her room without even looking at him — the woman who finds his face first in a crowd — he wonders if Stelle wants to be selfish too.
The Astral Express has its own ground rules about drinking. On board, drinking isn't allowed even for the adults. Shush doesn't serve alcoholic drinks. Dan Heng isn't worried about Stelle resorting to those means up in her room but he's still worried for her.
Earlier that day, he told her that he had a lot of things to manage in the Archives, that he may need to pull an all-nighter. Of course she made a face, called him a workaholic and pouted at the prospect of sleeping alone for the night. He came here to grab something to drink himself. Now he feels guilty. He wonders if he stayed with her instead, would she still be so distraught?
He shakes his head and makes up his mind. He's used to overthinking the first step but he might as well be a little more selfish tonight. Usually if either of them remain sitting in a car at night, it's a green light for the other to join and remain there. A nonverbal way of asking for company. But returning to their rooms means the opposite. He should respect that and give her the space she wants, this he knows.
Yet, Dan Heng slowly ascends the staircase to her room.
The door to her room is left slightly open. Not closed. That's a good sign. That means she saw him and is okay with him entering if he wants to.
He doesn't swell on it. Dan Heng opens the door and steps inside, hearing the door slide close behind him. The lights are off but the multiple little lamps Stelle has around her room allow him to see plenty.
There she is, sitting behind the counter of her small kitchenette. All three bottles sit in front of her. She's made no move to do anything with them yet. She doesn't look at him either.
Stelle sighs and buries her face in her hands, her ashen hair falling over her skin like a curtain.
“I thought you were busy.” She says quietly.
He is. He only came to the Party Car to get a refreshment and leave. Not anymore. “I wrapped up most of it. I can do the rest sometime else.”
Stelle nods and raises her head, running a hand through her hair. Dan Heng steps closer and takes the seat beside her.
He reaches out and pats her head, “Couldn't sleep?”
“Never do when you leave me alone.” It's not an answer he expected. She sounds so… small. Stelle isn't like that, Stelle is big and bright with the personal mission to rival the stars just outside. He's never heard her sound this small, and his chest gives a sharp pang. As if someone took his heart and squeezed it hard. He moves his chair a little closer so they're sitting with their shoulders almost touching. Stelle still doesn't look at him but she doesn't move away. He keeps his hand on her head, gently rubbing the top of her head before letting his finger glide down and tuck her hair behind her ear. A silent comfort, trying to assure her of his presence. That he's here and not going anywhere.
She leans into the touch, letting out a shaky breath. She's silent for a while, her shoulders trembling ever so slightly. It takes so much not to just pull her into his arms and hold her, but he waits. She's clearly struggling with something she wants to tell him but is scared to. He's patient, even if it kills him to see her like this. He won't ask. He'll wait for her to speak.
This is how he knows it's her. It's Kafka.
Whenever it's that woman, Stelle can never articulate her thoughts like she usually does.
She goes quiet.
Small.
Like she wants to go home.
Dan Heng hates that in these moments he can't be her home.
“Have you been unable to sleep for long?” He asks after a few minutes.
“Just woke up an hour ago.” She shakes her head, her shoulders hunched and rounded. It's strange seeing her like that. Stelle always holds her shoulders back and stands confidently, making herself look proud and strong.
Dan Heng leans towards her, gently tilting her chin up with a finger. “Hey. Look at me for a sec.”
Stelle does. There aren't tears in her eyes, he's glad. She just looks tired and confused.
He starts softly, his other hand on her thigh, “Did you have a nightmare?”
“No,” She answers. Then thinks again, “I… Maybe? I don't know.”
“That's okay.” He reassures her. Dan Heng himself prefers when he can't remember what dream woke him up. He looks at the drinks Stelle has gathered so he decides to distract her, “You helped Siobhan again today, didn't you? Learn any new mixes?”
Last time she did, Stelle was very eager to show him. It had been a struggle on his part but he swallowed down his words and took a sip of the multiple drinks she kept serving along with the story that went with them. At least, he got notes for the data bank. Despite what most people are inclined to believe, Stelle's special brews are a very important addition to the Archives in his opinion.
Her eyes light up a little at his words, and a small smile breaks through. Ah, so a distraction does have an effect. He lets out a huff, his thumb rubbing reassuring circles on her cheek in an encouraging manner, hoping to keep her from falling into that gloomy mood again.
She nods, her smile growing a little, “Yeah... I did. Learned a few new ones. Wanna try?”
He pretends to think about it as he hums, “Depends. Is it worse than the last one you had me try?”
“It wasn't that bad.” Stelle huffs at him.
“I'm afraid it was. You put too much puffergoat milk in it.”
“It's okay to have some sugar in your life, Dan Heng.”
“Not enough to get diabetes.”
“You told me you liked it!”
“I said it was fine.”
“Yeah, that's Dan Heng-speak for A grade!”
He huffs out a laugh this time, shaking his head. Stelle has a knack for finding sweet things, even more so than March. Whenever he eats with them, he's always the one with the least sugar intake. Stelle likes to call him boring because of it.
But he's glad his words did their job, making her smile a little more at least. He continues rubbing soft and slow circles on her thigh with his hand.
He leans back in his seat, “Alright. Go ahead, give me your worst.”
Stelle looks at the drinks she's gathered, sitting untouched on the table. He knows she brought them here to make a mix anyway, perhaps to distract herself but she couldn't go through with it on her own for some reason. With his gentle nudge, Stelle stands and grabs the soothing soda and a clean glass. He sighs internally, happy with her choice. He doesn't drink often but he does prefer them slightly bitter and mellow.
Stelle pours a bit of the drink. Puts down the bottle and moves her hand towards a bottle of felblood energy. Her fingers brush against it.
Then she pauses.
Unsure.
Dan Heng is ready. For what, he's not sure. But she needs someone right now, he can see it in the way her hand trembles a little, the way her eyes remain on the drink but not looking at it.
Stelle speaks before he does, “... I forgot how to make it.”
“That's okay.” Dan Heng stands up, one hand slipping around her waist, resting on her body like a comforting weight. “We can make something else.”
“No!” She didn't expect her own voice to raise suddenly. Neither did he. Stelle takes a deep breath and tries again, “I mean… No. I want… I was thinking about that drink and I… I swear I made it for someone but I forgot.”
Dan Heng knows this. Stelle is scared of forgetting things, March is too. Both with their memories wiped clean trying to cling to what they have now. But unlike March Stelle has these little moments where she can tell something was supposed to be a part of her life, yet she can never recall it.
On rare nights, Stelle dreams of that woman. Whenever she wakes up, she doesn't remember it for a long, long time and when she realizes it she finds him to quietly tell him what happened. Not the contents of the dreams, never the words shared. Just a face she tries to reach towards that always turns back.
A home she can't return to.
"Do you remember who you made it for?”
He knows Stelle doesn't know. He steps closer when she shakes her head.
She takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm down and collect her thoughts. She still stays facing the counter, her eyes downcast towards the three bottles in front of her. Her hand is shaking slightly, fingers twitching around the neck of the felblood energy bottle.
Dan Heng can see how much of a toll this is taking on her.
He moves one hand and gently covers her shaking one in his own, gripping it in a quiet reassurance. He can feel how badly she's trembling, the way her fingers shake is almost as if she's holding back a breakdown. And it makes his heart ache again.
She's still staring at the bottles on the counter. He rubs his thumb soothingly over her shaking hand, the touch a quiet reminder. He's here. He will always be here.
"Steady, Stelle. Just breathe.”
She does as he says, taking a shuddering breath to steady her trembling. Stelle focuses on him and his touch, his hand around hers feels warm and secure. His presence beside her is a reassurance. So she takes another shaky breath, and another. He says nothing, simply staying by her side, his hand a silent anchor.
After a few minutes, her breathing evens out. The shaking in her hand is reduced to an occasional tremble. The vice in her chest has loosened some but not enough.
But she's still tense.
Dan Heng opens his mouth.
Stelle speaks first.
“I forgot.”
“You did.” He turns her face towards him, away from the drinks. “You've had a rough night, it's okay.”
“I'm scared.” She confesses.
Dan Heng brings her closer, taking her in his arms with a light embrace so she can pull away easily if she wants space, “I'm right here.”
She speaks again, her voice is quiet and soft and filled with a strange vulnerability. "... Can you do something for me?"
He would do anything if she asked.
He nods, his voice steady when he replies, "Anything.”
Stelle heaves out a shaky exhale and looks up at him with tired eyes.
“I wanna get drunk.”
The Astral Express has house rules about drinking, they're not allowed to drink alcohol on board. They cannot drink on the train. Dan Heng is a person who would move stars to wipe that expression off of Stelle's face.
Pom-Pom is going to be very angry with them in the morning.
Himeko might have to give them a lecture.
Still, Dan Heng says what he knows he shouldn't, “Get your jacket.”
☆
The small bar tucked in the depths of the Reverie hotel in the dreamscape is not a place Dan Heng frequents often. In fact, he has only been here once or twice.
Stelle likes it. He sees the appeal. It's quiet, there's not many people. There's no obnoxiously loud music, blinding party lights or crazed alcoholics throwing up rainbows that can be found in every other Penacony bar.
Though, he does notice the striking lack of the bartender Stelle has befriended.
“Siobhan isn't here.”
Stelle huffs at him, making her way to the counter, “It's three in the morning.”
“And you're allowed in anyway?”
“You should've learnt not to doubt my charisma by now.”
He'd roll his eyes but it's good that she's throwing some banter at him. The walk here seems to have done her some good.
Stelle slips behind the counter with ease. He knows she's done this before. “Have you ever mixed drinks, Dan Heng?”
“Never,” He answers as he sits down on the stool facing her.
Stelle brings out two glasses and whatever drinks she finds. She starts by wiping the glasses but her gaze is still fixed on the drinks. Trying to remember the mix she forgot, or the person she can't recall.
He wonders if this is why she wanted to get drunk. To not think about the hole in her memories. The space where she knows a presence but can't reach. To stop wondering if Kafka really was here or was she dreaming.
“Hey,” Dan Heng calls when he sees her go back into those thoughts that disturb her.
Stelle looks up at him.
“Make me a drink.” Dan Heng requests. She needs a distraction.
Stelle cracks a small smile, “Is it that bad of a night that even Dan Heng wants a drink?”
“Perhaps.” He huffs, a small smile of his own graces his lips.
“What kind then?”
“Anything. Whatever you think suits me.”
Stelle considers for a second before she starts grabbing bottles and preparing something. He keeps his gaze on her hands as she mixes the drink. Watching her do something familiar is good for her. Helps her calm down a little.
“You're fine with alcohol?” She asks.
Dan Heng raises a brow, “Isn't that why we're here?”
“Can't blame me for asking,” She pouts a little, “Not in the mood to be scolded tonight.”
"I'll be fine," Dan Heng assures, "I have a high tolerance."
"You do?" Stelle raises an eyebrow at that.
"Mhm," He nods, leaning down to prop his elbows on the counter and resting his chin on his hands, "Trust me.”
“I've never seen you drink.”
“I've never seen you drink either.”
Stelle nods, “Fair.”
Dan Heng watches as Stelle silently works to mix him a drink. She pours ice first, then a series of different ingredients before presenting him with a glass. He takes it, giving it a testing swirl. The colours mix faintly. Green seeping into white, a hint of sparkle in the liquid. The thicker red sauce sitting at the base.
He gives it a sip. The taste settles on his tongue. It's just slightly bitter, quite thick and it's very mellow. He likes it, he won't lie. The after taste of stellar champagne settles in the back of his mouth, mixing with — he raises a brow, “Did you put mung bean soda in this?”
“I know what you like.” Stelle shrugs, “Beside you said what I think you like.”
“Fair.” It's his turn to nod with a huff. He cradles the glass closer, takes slow sips to savour the taste. “Not making yourself any?”
“... No, not feeling like anything fancy,” Stelle grabs a taller glass and dumps quite a few shots of the champagne in it, not bothering with the ice.
He can't help but be a little concerned. “Don't drink too much.”
“You brought me here to drink.”
“Not irresponsibly.”
“... Okay.”
She puts the bottles back in their places and returns to his side, taking a seat on the barstool next to him.
They both sit in silence.
Dan Heng's gaze flickers from his drink to Stelle. She's not as tense as before but she's not completely relaxed either. He can still see her hands twitching, fingers fidgeting unconsciously with the hem of her jacket after she takes a few gulps of her drink. He puts his glass down.
“Stelle…”
An invitation. As always. Open arms, a ready listener. Whatever she needs. Anything but —
“Sometimes,” She starts, her head hanging low, ashen hair covering her face, “I wanna go home.”
He feels his chest tighten, “... I know.”
“I can't go home, Dan Heng.”
“I know.”
Stelle raises her head and looks at him, she's sad yes but the emotion in her eyes is unreadable, “Does that make you happy?”
She's not accusing him. He knows she's not blaming him for these circumstances, for what people from her past do. She's genuinely asking if he's happy to have her here, unable to leave to a place she may have once called home in the past.
He averts his gaze, looks at the drink in his hand, “Will it be selfish to say yes?”
The ice is melting.
Stelle chuckles a little, “Dan Heng is always wondering if his opinions are selfish.”
His heart clenches at her laugh, it's weak. Still, he finds it somewhat comforting.
Is it selfish that Dan Heng wants Stelle to stay? That he's happy when she smiles and laughs and looks at him with those bright eyes? That he likes how she looks sitting right beside him, the way the soft light hits her hair and highlights the gold in her eyes.
He is selfish. He wants her to stay with him.
Stelle continues, “I think… you can be a little selfish when you know it's something you want.”
He hums and nods, his eyes moving to look at her, “Then my answer remains the same.”
Stelle smiles at him, not her everyday bright grin but it's genuine. He'll take it.
The silence settles between them again.
It's not uncomfortable, it's just… a little quieter than usual.
He's almost done with his drink. Stelle is pouring her second, her head is already starting to feel fuzzy. She's never had a high tolerance for alcohol, he'll have to make sure she gets some water before they head back to the train.
“I think… I wanna be selfish too.” She says so quietly he could've missed it. As if she wasn't sure if she even wanted him to hear those words.
Dan Heng watches the melted ice dilute his drink. He has a feeling he already knows but this isn't about him, “How so?”
Stelle pushes away her glass and pulls her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs and resting the side of her head on them so she's looking at him.
A beat of silence passes.
Then she speaks, “Say, Dan Heng…”
His blue eyes meet her golden ones.
“If for any reason we're not together anymore in the future… And you find me mixing drinks in a bar in a nowhere place — can you promise you'll let me be selfish?” Stelle asks, her voice small, “No matter what's written in fate, let me be selfish and take me home?”
Those words.
Those words make his heart ache.
Dan Heng feels a lump form in his throat and a heavy lump settle on his chest but he swallows it down. He takes a deep breath. Calm and collected. Keep it together. She needs him.
She needs him to be her home right now.
He meets her gaze, his expression is neutral but there is warmth in his eyes, a promise.
He gives a small nod and murmurs, “I will. I will always take you home.”
He can see some of the tension leave her shoulders, a small but genuine smile graces her lips. She seems to be much more relaxed than she was when they first came in here. “That's… good. ‘m glad...”
He notices how her words feel a little slurred.
Stelle was never good at alcohol tolerance.
Dan Heng looks back at his empty glass. That's enough for him for the night, he needs to be coherent in order to make sure Stelle gets back safely.
“Come on.” He stands, taking her hand in his carefully. “We've had our drinks, hm? Let's go home.”
“Mm… Haven't finished.”
“You need some space for water. Maybe bread too.” He helps her stand, supporting half of her weight. He'd carry her but she always insists she can walk just fine or that he's ‘ruining her street cred.’
Stelle mumbles something under her breath as Dan Heng quickly tries to put an appropriate amount of credits down for Siobhan. They did use her bar. He's not sure how much freedom Stelle has here but he still feels the need to pay.
They go back to the Astral Express after that. It's almost five in the morning. It's good that Pom-Pom isn't awake but they will definitely be answering to the conductor later. For now, Dan Heng takes Stelle to her room. He fetches her a bottle of water and makes her eat a slice of bed through her groans before helping her to the bed. He takes off her gloves and shoes, sets aside her jacket and covers her body with the blanket.
She's fast asleep immediately.
He doesn't leave. Nor does he join her in slumber right away.
For a long while, he just keeps watch.
He doesn't know a lot of things still but he knows for certain that he will fulfil that request every time. He will take her home every time. No matter what fate says.
He wants to be a home she won't have to forget.
Dan Heng leans down and kisses her temple with a silent goodnight before he falls asleep beside her.
☆
They wake up very late. He looks at his phone for the time but he sees a message from an unknown number first.
He opens the chat.
[Unknown User]
Thank you for staying with her.
[Dan Heng]
?
[Message failed to send. This user no longer exists.]