Chapter Text
It starts slow. The headaches have been a constant since Vax was twelve and his father smacked him a little too hard; that initial warning sign was nothing new for him. He’s always had ‘mood swings’, as his sister calls them, though in his opinion they aren’t frequent enough to be a diagnosable thing. And then the slurred speech! Well, he’d been smoking more weed lately, and that was bound to affect his brain a little bit, so he ignored that too. The memory and hearing loss, the blurred vision, all these little signs that he had no idea meant there was something wrong. He just thought that maybe he was stressed; he’d been more depressed too, lately, so maybe that.
It’s all fine, in his opinion, and since it’s his body we’re talking about, his word is what matters most. And then maybe Vex’s.
The ‘intimate get-together’ that Scanlan had insisted they throw for the beginning of summer turned into a borderline raging house party in a matter of an hour. Vax weaved through the crowd, his drink held high in an attempt to save it from spilling down someone’s back. He spots Vex’ahlia near the kitchen with Percy and starts to make his way over. As he approaches, they halt their conversation.
“Love birds, how are we enjoying the party?” Vax asks.
They share a glance, before Vex turns to him with a smile. “I’m having a wonderful time, darling. How are you ?”
The extra emphasis on ‘you’ makes him wonder if she knows something's wrong. The truth is, there is something wrong. He’s been feeling horrendous physically, especially his headaches, and it’s translating to mental and physical exhaustion. Vax has had no energy to shower let alone go to work and function in society, but he knows he has to. He also knows he should go see a doctor, but his job doesn’t provide health insurance – it’s a small place, only five employees including the owner – and he doesn’t quite have the funds for an appointment at the moment. Especially one that will likely end in head scans and blood work. He doesn't know what it is, doesn’t know why or even when the pain started, just that it is his constant now.
Vex is still eyeing him, waiting for an answer. “I’m alright. Have a bit of a headache.”
“Mhm,” she says. “Just a headache?”
“Yes, Vex’ahlia, just a headache,” he replies. He doesn’t bother masking his annoyance. “You’ve gotten your reassurance, can we change the topic now?”
As he says that, the world starts to tilt and his drink slips from his hand. He faintly hears someone call his name, but he can’t respond. He feels his head hit the floor, and then there’s nothing.
When Vax wakes he is on a spare bed in Scanlan's house, his friends all surrounding him. Vex is gripping his hand. Her face goes from concerned to furious when she sees he’s awake.
“Good, you’re up. Explain.”
Explain what? He thinks. He doesn’t know what happened any more than they do. But okay, he thinks. He recalls back, difficult with his recently poor short term memory, over the last months. The headaches are old news. The other stuff… he can’t exactly explain why he can’t remember shit or hear anything or drive anywhere because his eyes aren’t working. He can’t afford an eye exam, let alone glasses, so he just started taking the bus everywhere. He wonders, vaguely, if this is karma for that gang he was in as a teenager. He’s been ignoring the red flags, mostly because he hasn’t noticed a connection, but he has to admit that there is something scarily wrong with what’s happening to his brain.
“Something…” he whispers. “Something is wrong. I think.”
Vex nods, like she’s known all along and was just waiting for him to say it out loud. “I think so too. We’ll go to the doctors tomorrow.”
Vax shakes his head quickly, the world spinning violently as he does. It makes him nauseous, and he pauses a moment to make sure he doesn’t get sick everywhere. “I can’t afford a doctor, Vex.”
“I’ll take care of it,” Percy pipes up. “I recently got my inheritance back, as we know. I can spare a couple hundred on a doctor for you.”
“I can’t ask you to do that,” Vax says. He feels ill all over again at the thought of putting Percy out.
“Well it’s a good thing I’m offering, then.”
Vex squeezes his hand. “Just take the help, darling. It’s probably nothing; you probably just need glasses now.”
He snorts and squeezes her hand back. After the death of their mother, they both – but especially Vex – have been very sensitive to health scares. He doesn’t want to make it worse for her, so he nods. “Alright. Tomorrow, then.”
Tomorrow comes and he almost calls Vex and refuses to go. But when she shows up he willingly gets in the car. He sits silently the entire way there despite her attempts at conversation. Since his scare last night there's been a heavy weight in his stomach that won’t go away; some warning from his body, maybe, to prepare for the worst.
When they arrive at the urgent care they wait for about ten minutes before being seen. Vax can’t seem to let go of Vex’s hand long enough to follow the nurse back, so she comes with him. The nurse checks all of his basics, then leaves them in a room to wait some more. A doctor comes in eventually, and they go over his symptoms: blurry vision, constant headaches, memory loss, numbness in his limbs. Vex adds in some of her own observations; slurred speech, wobbly balance, a number of times he hasn’t heard or noticed them trying to get his attention. The doctor takes notes, asks about his medical history, side eyeing him when he mentions how his headaches began.
“I want to run some tests,” she says eventually, which is exactly what he’d been afraid of. “Get a couple scans before you leave. I have some theories but I’d rather learn more before I share.”
He feels a rise of frustration at the secrecy. “Or you could just tell me. Why even mention them at all if you aren’t going to tell us?”
He’s being rude, he knows he is, but good god he can’t help it. Vex brushes his arm. “Vax…”
He mumbles an apology that the doctor waves off. She doesn’t elaborate. They go down the hall to a different room; Vex can’t come with him this time so she goes back out to the waiting room. He immediately feels the loss; it feels like a warning.
Lots of bloodwork and a CT scan later they are leaving the building. Vax wants to crawl into bed and sleep, but his sister insists on food before they go home. They stop for Thai food, then head back to Vax’s apartment where they watch shitty reality tv and sit together like they used to when they first moved out of Syldor’s house. Vex lays her head on his shoulder, and he wonders if she feels the same sense of trepidation he does.
A week later, Vax is at work when he gets the phone call. He passes the drink he’s making off to Orym, the owner of the little cafe he works at, and steps outside to take it.
“Hello?”
“Hi, yes, is this Vax’ildan Vessar?” A woman’s voice, kind and patient. It puts him at ease; maybe that’s why she does this.
“Uh, yes, yeah. Speaking,” he stumbles awkwardly.
“This is East Coast Medical calling about the results of your tests from last week.” She pauses, and immediately he knows something is terribly wrong. “We’d like for you to come in, to discuss the results.”
“Oh, um. Alright.” Then, “Can I bring my sister?”
That shocks a laugh out of her, which she quickly apologizes for. “Yes, of course. Is there a good time today for you to come by? We’re open until six tonight.”
“Yes, yeah. I can be there for three?”
“Perfect, we’ll see you then.” She sounds overly sympathetic, and Vax wonders just what exactly is waiting for him.
He quickly calls Vex and asks her to go with him, which she easily agrees to. Then, he goes back inside and tries to get back to work. ‘Tries’ being the key word, because his mind is completely on whatever the results are. They don’t ask you to come back in if it’s good news. They tell you right then and there so you can stop worrying and get on with your life. It’s bad news when they ask you to come back in.
“Vax?” It’s Imogen, his kind, purple-haired coworker who is gently taking the steaming pitcher from his hands. “You’ve been standing there for five minutes. Is everything okay?”
That’s a lot of minutes; it didn’t feel that long. He willingly lets go of the materials and moves towards the back where she gestures for him to sit. “Take a minute, okay?”
He’s left alone with his thoughts, then, and that’s exponentially worse than being stuck out on the floor. But he listens to his friend and takes a breather, locking away all thoughts about his medical issues and slipping back into gear. It distracts him enough, and then at one he’s leaving and all he can think about, again, is the kind woman who spoke to him and her voice laced with sympathy.
He walks home; it’s not far, about fifteen minutes, but he spends it thinking of all the possible things wrong with him. Vex is waiting when he gets inside, and she just pulls him into a hug when she sees him.
“It’ll be okay,” she whispers. “Promise.”
Vax nods, lets out a deep breath. They make their way to the doctors office and spend the time they have waiting at the coffee shop next door.
“Did they give any details on the phone?” she asks at one point.
“No,” he says. “Just asked me to come in.”
She nods, and they settle back into silence. Eventually they move to the waiting room next door, and then into an office with a kind looking doctor. He introduces himself as Dr. Peters, a neuro specialist who has been assigned to his case. His case; he has a case . Gods, this isn’t going to be fun.
“Vax’ildan–”
“Please, just Vax.”
“Vax.” He nods, writing a note. “Describe your symptoms to me. I know you talked to the other doctor, and I have them right here, but I want to hear from you.”
So he does. This seems like the right person to go into detail with, so he does, describing all of his issues and elaborating when Dr. Peters asks follow up questions. When he gets to the end of his mental list, his doctor pulls out a folder.
“This here is the results of your CT scan. I want you to stay calm, because this is going to look scary.”
He doesn’t reassure them that it’s not scary. Vax and Vex share a look, gripping each other's hands tightly. Dr. Peters turns on a light in the wall and slides the scans into the screen. He almost doesn’t see it at first, because he’s never seen a brain scan so he doesn’t know what’s different. But then Vex gasps, and his eyes drift towards the bottom of the screen, and he sees it.
A tumor. It’s huge; definitely explains the more intense headache as of late. It’s close to the front of his brain, Peters explains, which also explains the vision issues. Glasses won’t do anything, he says. He starts going through a list of treatment options, and Vax hopes his sister is listening because he sure isn’t.
That thing is in his head. A giant tumor in his fucking head. He thought they’d tell him all of his symptoms were made up in his head, that he has some mysterious mental health issue that’s causing him physical pain. He doesn’t know if that's worse, but at least it would track with his life. The fact that it’s something physical, something real in his brain that has been disrupting his life is terrifying. Vax spends about five minutes staring at the tumor while Vex and Peters talk over his head. Then he’s completely dissociated, eyes glassy as he tries to process what this means.
Surgeries, radiation, chemotherapy. All words he’s heard throughout his life but that have had little meaning up until now. He vaguely remembers his mother dying at the hands of some mysterious tumor, and wonders if this is connected.
“Mom…” he mumbles, nudging Vex with all the strength he can muster.
“Yes, dear, that’s what we’re talking about now,” she says quietly. Her voice is steady, but her hand is clenching his and her shoulders are tense. She must be holding back a lot for his sake right now. He grips her hand back just as tightly, leaning into her. They hold each other up, in this moment of weakness and pain for them both, ready to handle whatever this next journey throws at them, as long as they have each other.
When they get in the car, there is a long moment of silence. Neither really knows what to say; does Vax start, since it’s his tumor? Or Vex, as a show of support? In the end she speaks up first, asking the question he was dreading but also knows is necessary.
“Do you want to tell the others?”
Does he want to tell the others? He’ll have to eventually, he supposes. He lets the idea marinate in his failing mind, then rapidly decides he wants them to know immediately.
“Of course,” he says. “Let’s – let's tell them tonight, yeah?”
“Okay.” She pauses; then, “Maybe tomorrow, actually. Do you want to tell Syldor?”
That makes him pause. He should, probably, though he doesn’t know if he’d care. Velora would, though. She’d be upset if he died and they never told her he was going to.
He’d
be upset if it were the other way around.
“Maybe… just so Velora knows.”
Vex nods. “Alright. Let’s not worry about that tonight, though. Let’s just go home and get some rest. We’ll tell everyone tomorrow.”
When they get back to his apartment, he goes to take off his shoes, but Vex stops him. “No, grab a bag. We’ll go to mine. Trinket will be there, and then we can head straight to Scanlan’s in the morning and gather everyone to talk.”
He sees the merit in that, because Scanlan is only a block from her place, but it kind of just pisses him off. Does she think he can’t take care of himself now? But he doesn’t argue, just grabs his duffle and throws some clothes into it. She helps gather his things, then they slip back out the door and lock it.
Vax doesn’t know it, but he will never return here. They spend the night on the couch, watching stupid movies and eating popcorn and maybe crying a little, not that they'll ever tell.
The next morning, Vex calls for a group meeting.
Vex: Meet at Scanlan’s as soon as everyone’s awake. We need to talk.
“Ominous,” Vax mumbles.
“Yes, well, a bit of mystery never hurts anyone. It should get them all there, at least.”
At ten, after they’ve received an affirmative from everyone, they make their way to Scanlan’s house. The drive is only a minute, but it’s filled with a tense silence. Vex has a tight grip on his hand again as she drives, her gaze never leaving the road but her attention almost fully on him anyways. She grips like he’ll disappear if she lets go. When they pull into Scanlan’s driveway, everyone is gathered on the porch waiting for them.
When they walk up, Scanlan says, “Boy, you two look somber.”
There is a long stretch of silence where Vex and Vax don’t know who to look at or where to start. They share a look, Vex urging him with her eyes to say something, so he takes a moment to gather his thoughts.
“Um, guys,” Keyleth says. “You’re scaring us.”
“Right,” Vax says. “Well. Vex and I went to the doctor last week, as we know, after I had that fall at the party. And we had the follow up yesterday.”
The words clog in his throat, then, and he’s unsure if he can say it. I have cancer. I have cancer . The words repeat in his head over and over, and he can feel himself slipping away again.
“Vax,” his sister whispers in his ear. “You can do this.”
He nods, clearing his throat and beginning again. As he talks, he doesn’t look at anyone’s face. He stares at the wall behind Grog’s head instead, letting the words spill from his mouth. He explains as best he can, and when he can’t anymore Vex takes over. As she finishes, a sob rips through the room, and Keyleth is bundled into Percy’s arms, tears pouring down her face. He finally, finally looks around, and sees various reactions; all of them range from sadness to anger, and Vax wonders what he did to deserve people who feel so strongly for him.
“It’s not – we don’t know what’s going to happen yet. I still have a bunch of treatments to do, follow ups to be had. It might be fine. I just… wanted you guys to know. Just in case,” Vax says.
Keyleth walks over to him hesitantly. “Can I hug you?”
“Oh, Kiki, of course.” He pulls her into him, her arms wrapping tightly around his neck. She lets out quiet little cries of anguish as he holds her. Eventually, everyone else piles around him too. He is grateful, suddenly, that this is happening now and not fifteen years ago when he and Vex still lived with Syldor. He likely wouldn’t have cared, would have let him rot away.
That doesn’t matter, now. He melts into his friends’ touch, lets them ground him back to reality after having his whole world rocked. He can do this. He can survive this. He’s lived through abuse and gangs and homelessness; he had his sister by his side for all of those things, and he’ll have her and more now. He’ll be fine.
Vax’s first round of radiation and chemotherapy isn’t exactly what he expected. It’s at the hospital, which is scary, but there’s a non-emergency entrance that isn’t as hectic, so he relaxes. Vex agreed to come with him, and Percy too, insisting that he help take care of some of the costs. Vax is ill at the thought of putting him out even more.
“C’mon, Freddie. Let me pay you back at least half.”
Percy heaves a long sigh. “Alright, we can set up a payment plan. But only after you survive this.”
Vax takes this into consideration, then holds out his hand. “Alright, deal.”
They shake, and Vex ushers them into the building. When they check in, Vax asks again if Vex can come back with him, just for the first time. The receptionist smiles kindly, but shakes her head no. “We can’t have any non-patients back in the treatment rooms, for wellness purposes.”
Vax sighs shakily and nods. Vex takes his hand and the paperwork, and they sit and fill it out quickly before returning it to the desk. His name is called after a few minutes, and he grips Vex’s hand tight again before standing. The nurse that leads him back is very kind, offering him a few words in greeting but not forcing the conversation.
They take his height and weight, then settle him into a chair. When they bring out the needle for the IV he tries not to flinch, fails, and gets another round of small talk from the nurse. “We can see about getting you on the pill version of this. You wouldn’t even have to come in for that!”
Vax sighs in relief at the option, and nods gratefully. They leave him after that, handing him a juice box and a package of cookies before they go. With a wink, they say, “These are usually for bloodwork patients, but you’ve earned ‘em.”
He takes them with a small thank you, and settles in to wait.
When it’s done, the nurse returns and leads him back to another room where they situate him next to a large machine. They explain what exactly it is, what it does, and how it will help. Vax nods along like he understands any of it, and sits down when they tell him to. It takes about half an hour, and then that’s it. He’s done his first round of cancer treatment. Vex and Percy insist on lunch to celebrate, and while he feels a sense of relief of getting that first time over with, he also feels a sense of trepidation that won’t go away.
Three Months Later
It’s not working. He’s been taking the stupid pills and going in for the stupid radiation and it’s not fucking working. His hair was falling out, eventually gone enough that he shaved the rest, and he’s sick every day, and he can barely stand with how tired he is. Leaving the coffee shop was sudden for Orym, but once Vax explained he offered any help he could get, and a job again when he’s recovered.
All this, just for it to not fucking work. The cancer is still growing, threatening to spread to other parts of him, and he doesn’t know what to do.
“There’s surgery,” Dr. Peters says. “But brain surgery – any surgery, really – is very risky. Especially where the tumor is in your head. But it’s an option.”
Vax thinks. No Vex, this time, or the last few, because she’s started to take off too many days from work to go with him to appointments and he doesn’t want her to lose her job for him. The rest of the group have decided one of them will go with him, instead. They can’t come back with him, but they stay in the waiting room the whole time no matter how long the appointments take. This time it’s Keyleth, waiting patiently while he talks to his doctor.
“What would the cost look like?” Always his first question, especially since Percy has insisted on paying for so much of his treatment. He does have insurance, now, but they only cover so much and the copays are ridiculous.
“Well, we can always set up a payment plan,” Peters starts and when he says the number Vax very nearly faints. That must be more than Percy even has at this point. He does not want to tell him about this option; he’ll insist they try and suffer the consequences when that doesn’t work either.
“Vax, I think you should consider it. Take some time to think about it and give me a call when you decide. We’ll go from there, no matter the choice you make, alright?”
Vax nods, shaking Dr. Peters’ hand and exiting the room. He weaves back down the hall to the waiting room. Keyleth is still there – not that he thought she wouldn’t be – and brightens when he approaches. “How’d it go?”
“Alright,” he says. “Wasn’t too terrible of a wait was it?”
“No, I brought my book,” she holds up the novel she’d been reading, suggested to her by her coworker, Jester. “I am hungry, though.”
Vax takes her hand without thinking; she laces their fingers together without hesitation. “Let’s go grab lunch, then.”
They exit the building, hand in hand, and Vax lets himself forget all about his body raging against him and enjoys this…date? Maybe a date? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. He lets himself enjoy this time with Keyleth, both in desire to spend more time with her, and fear he won’t have enough.
He and Keyleth go to a little diner they’ve passed a million times but never had the time to stop in. It’s a little dirty, in the way roadside diners are, but the vibe is warm and the lone server greets them kindly when they step inside. “Pick wherever you’d like! I’ll be with ya in a moment.”
They settle into a corner booth, hands still interlocked. Vax rubs his thumb over the back of her hand, and she smiles at him.
“This is a silly question,” Keyleth says. “But, how are you? I feel like we haven’t had a chance to just talk lately.”
“Not silly. A valid question, really. I’ve been better, obviously, but I have the best friends I could ask for to help me through this.” Vax eyes her; her face is pale, her eyes have bags under them, and she’s… she’s definitely lost weight, not that he’s paying attention. “How are you ?”
She lets out a mirthless chuckle. “Well, not great. But I shouldn’t complain to you. You’re the one with cancer.”
It doesn’t get easier to hear no matter how many times they say it. “You have a right to be upset about this too. And… you don’t look like you're feeling very well, to be completely honest.”
She flushes, and he’s glad to see some color in her face, even from embarrassment. “I’m just worried, is all. All I can think of is the possibility of…well, you know.” She looks sheepish and distraught all at once.
Vax just smiles, shaking his head. “Yeah, me too. But it’ll be okay, I think. I’m stronger than I look.”
Keyleth just shakes her head, a smile forming at the corner of her mouth. The server comes over, then, and they place their orders. The food doesn’t take long, and the milkshake they split is divine. They spend the afternoon giggling like idiots at the table, no longer talking about his illness or any other issues in their lives, and Vax thinks that if he lives, he might just make it work with Keyleth.
Vax decides on the surgery. After much convincing from his friends, of course, all of them insisting he try anything and everything. He calls Dr. Peters, who calls whoever he needs to call to get the surgery scheduled. They get him in for the next week, and that’s that. Percy and he draft up a payment plan, because this is way too costly to just wave it off, and everyone takes a little time off work to help him afterwards.
The day of the surgery he wakes up sweating and nauseous, anxiety curling in his gut. He leans over the side of the bed and vomits, grateful the floors aren’t carpet. Vex shoots up from the bed next to him.
“What, what's wrong? Oh.” She looks to the side of the bed and sighs. “It’s alright, brother. Can you get to the shower? I’ll clean this up while you do.”
Vax just nods, sliding out of bed and into the bathroom. He turns the water on a little too hot and scrubs at himself a little too hard. When he gets out, Vex has left comfortable clothes out for him, and he smiles a little in appreciation.
She’s waiting in the kitchen when he gets out. His stomach rumbles, and he groans.
“Sorry, brother, no food until after the surgery,” she says, smirking a little as she plucks a grape into her mouth.
He just shakes his head at her. “We need to be there for eleven. C’mon.”
The drive is quiet, as they often are these days. It’s strange how, despite the two of them probably never being closer to each other, they seem to be drifting apart. Vax thinks she’s just worried, but he misses his sister and the carefree times they had together.
The arrival at the hospital is hectic – some accident on the freeway clogging the whole building – but they get him settled in a room and changed into a nightgown. Vex frets over him for a few minutes, the doctors come in and introduce themselves, and then he’s being wheeled up for prep. His stomach is churning again but there’s nothing to vomit this time. He just wants them to put him to sleep so he can wake up and hopefully be okay again.
Eventually, a nurse approaches him, asking if he’s ready. At his nod they slip an IV into him, and he starts to slowly, slowly, slowly, fall asleep.
There are many voices surrounding him when he comes to. Vex is the most prominent; she sounds upset, which doesn’t bode well for him, he supposes. His eyes open slowly, and he gazes over each of his friends, looking various versions of upset. The first one to notice him is Keyleth.
“Vax!” she says. He smiles as much as he can, which earns him a bright grin back. There. Now she doesn’t look so sad.
“Kiki,” he mumbles. A hand slips into his. “Vex’ahlia. What's wrong?”
Just then Dr. Peters walks in, looking somber.
Oh.
Oh .
It didn’t work. That could be the only thing. They’d gone digging around his brain and either couldn’t get it out or – or –
“Vax, please, it’s alright,” Vex whispers in his ear at his growing panic. Dr. Peters sighs, then opens the folder in his hands.
“Unfortunately, Vax, the surgery was…unsuccessful. They got a majority of the cancerous cells out, however there was a chunk that was underneath a very sensitive part of the brain. Moving it could have killed you.”
He huffs a laugh. “So I just have a little longer to live now? Instead of dying today, I get to suffer in pain for however long.”
Vex huffs at that, unwillingly to admit that dying today would have been better, he's sure.
“Now, that’s not necessarily true. The medication should have an easier time attacking the cells now that there isn’t so much to combat. We just can’t physically try to remove it.” Dr. Peters explains like he’s done it hundreds of times. He probably has.
“I, for one, am glad they didn’t try,” Vex says. “I prefer you alive.”
Vax just squeezes her hand in response. Everyone looks somber now.
“Vax,” Dr. Peters starts. “There is still a chance. Do not give up yet.”
He tries to hold onto that, onto the support of his friends, but can’t help the feeling of despair and hopelessness that’s spread through him.