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Suho remembers what it's like to be loved. Faintly, he can recall his mother's warm embrace and his father's calloused hand ruffling his hair. Sometimes, now that he's no longer Kim Suho but rather Lloyd Frontera, he looks at Lloyd's parents and can feel the ghost of the body's old memories from before he took over. Reassuring hands placed at his back, fond smiles, and gentle hand holding. He was not deprived of love by any means.
However…
Seeing Javier Asrahan, now his knight, collect love letters from blushing girls… Well it stirs something in him. It's not really jealousy as he doesn't want letters from any of those girls. He supposed it's because he's spent a lot of his time alone and lonely. After his parents’ passing he didn't exactly have a lot going on in the love department. Even now, as Lloyd Frontera, he really doesn't feel love in his life. Sure the barony likes him now that he's improved his self image. Plus Lloyd's parents are thrilled he's not a drunk hooligan anymore. Except that he, as Suho, doesn't feel like he has any right to their affections. He's a stranger, an outsider. If anything they should be shunning him for the fact that he's not the real Lloyd Frontera. So he holds them at arms length.
Yet seeing Javier with a basket of letters, some treats laid sporadically in the pile of envelopes, Lloyd can't help but long in some way. Not necessarily for the letters themselves, but rather for Javier…
The sudden thought has him flushing, sputtering, and cramming the traitorous thought to the bottom of his brain.
Lloyd ignores Javier for the rest of the day and instead focuses on their current job at hand. By the time he finishes his work and looks up, the basket of letters is gone. Something in him settles. He hadn't even realized he was restless. Javier raises an eyebrow and Lloyd smirks. Javier frowns.
“You're terribly ugly when you make that face.” Javier said in a flat tone.
Lloyd's face sours and he rolls his eyes, “Well not all of us can be so obscenely good looking.”
Javier has the audacity to smirk which makes Lloyd gag, “So you think I'm good looking, sir?”
The comment, made jokingly Lloyd knows, has him sputtering as his face heats up. It feels like he's been caught in some sort of lie. It was a joke, he knows it is because he knows Javier and Javier would never flirt seriously with him but it makes his heart race regardless. Why it does so he does not know. Still, he lashes out.
“Just get back to work! I'm not paying you to sit around and screw around!” Lloyd snaps, keeping his flushed face turned away from Javier's view.
As far as Javier can tell, Lloyd is simply annoyed and brushing him off. At least, that's what Lloyd hopes the assumption is…
He can hear the confusion buried in Javier's voice as he asks, “At what point did I slack off?”
Lloyd is certain that if he turned around, Javier would have an eyebrow raised ever so slightly in question. Lloyd doesn't bother answering and continues working on one of his blueprints. The thought of all those love letters plague him. Eventually Javier dismisses himself and leaves Lloyd to think by himself.
His thoughts are not kind to him. He thinks of those stupid love letters from those fatally love stricken girls, the way Javier smirked at him with his icy gaze boring into him. Then, what's worse, is his mind travels back to when he still lived in South Korea. Back when the only form of entertainment he had at the time was The Knight of Blood and Iron. Late nights where he'd be drained from work, overtime looming like a guillotine. Evenings where he resonated with the book's protagonist and longed to comfort the knight Asrahan. Moments where he traced images of Sir Asrahan, battle worn, and felt feelings stir inside of him.
Lloyd slammed his head into the table and groaned, “I can't work like this.”
That night it was far too easy to dream of silver hair, dry humor, and icy stares.
In the morning he woke and crammed the thoughts down. Javier was his knight. Nothing more. Besides, he was an imposter, what right did he have to feel such a way?
Lloyd buried the budding feelings in work, something not uncommon from his life as Kim Suho. As he dug at the jobsite he felt winded from all the exertion. So he took a break. Javier joined him.
“Will you be joining me for training later sir?” Javier asked him.
Lloyd grinned, “Wanna spend more time with me, huh?”
Javier scoffed, “Hardly.”
A smirk wormed its way onto Lloyd's face, “What was that my dear knight? You don't wish to see me? How is that appropriate for a knight of the Frontera Barony?”
Javier's face held a pained expression as if Lloyd was twisting a knife into his heart, “I look forward to practice later sir.”
Lloyd smiled to himself, satisfied to torment his knight a little more. By the time they finished their break and Lloyd found a good stopping point in his construction work, it was past mid-day. Their break had served as a lunch period for them so he wasn't worried about missing lunch, not that it was common in this world to begin with. So they moved on to practice for the day. Javier would go through some basic warm-ups and Lloyd would follow along. Then his knight would give him pointers on his sword technique. Except it would be shovel technique for him. He didn't always join Javier but he often did.
As usual, Javier took off his classic blue coat. Lloyd caught himself staring so he looked away, instead forcing his attention on his own brown coat. Javier started out in a quick jog around the little pasture they had decided to practice in. Lloyd eyed the way the knight moved before urging his own body to begin a light run. Clearly he needed to discipline himself more if his gaze was so inclined to stare at his knight like he had been.
Lloyd joined Javier in a run, mindful of his pace. He didn't have mana working in the same way Javier did, and Javier was much more athletically inclined than him due to all the knight training. Still, Lloyd didn't think himself in bad physical shape. Construction work was one hell of a workout after all.
However after barely a lap Lloyd felt his lungs constrict tightly. It was hard to breath, like some sort of allergic reaction or asthma…
He stopped his jog and put his hands on his knees, hunched over and wheezing. His lungs just didn't want to work. Lloyd gasped for air.
A warm hand was on his back, “Master Lloyd are you alright?”
He glanced up to see Javier's calculating stare, concern for his charge masked but not so much that Lloyd couldn't decipher it. The knight's gaze was intense and it made him feel warm so he looked back down to the dirt beneath them. Lloyd nodded shakily but said nothing, still sort of breath. After a moment he had managed to get his lungs to cooperate.
“I'm fine, I just… can't breathe right. I must be out of shape.” Lloyd reassured, not meeting Javier's eyes.
Javier hummed in acceptance of the answer and Lloyd called it quits for the day. He couldn't take anymore of Javier's staring. It flustered him.
So he settled for working at his desk in his room, occasionally glancing at Javier from his window. Despite Lloyd taking a break from practice today, that didn't mean Javier could skip too. The knight took his job seriously, something Lloyd privately admired and also tended to abuse. Regardless, if Javier's workout routine was a show then he was doing a fine job of it. Distantly Lloyd knew he probably shouldn't stare so much but Javier was mesmerizing. It wasn't surprising that so many maidens often watched the knight.
Lloyd sighed and stood from his desk, going over to the window to properly watch instead of craning his neck to catch a glimpse of Javier's silver hair. He leaned on the window frame and looked down to the knight. Javier held a masterful pose, shifting from one to the next. It was like a partial stretch and partial swordsmanship. Lloyd wished it was hotter out, or really any good reason for Javier to ditch the shirt… the knight was probably well toned and handsome and Lloyd wouldn't mind seeing for himself.
Suddenly Lloyd processed his thoughts and feelings and flushed red, hand flying to his chest and quickly swivelling away from the window and instead back against the wall. His lungs constricted and felt too tight once more. This time however it was too tight, too restrictive, for him to simply breathe through it so he found himself choking on the lack of oxygen. He stumbled a bit as a coughing fit filled him and he gagged hard as phlegm made its way up his esophagus. He braced a hand on the wall and hacked hard, desperately trying to dislodge the knot in his throat. Once, then twice and finally he coughed up whatever had caused him to practically choke.
“Fuck that hurt.” He whined to himself.
He glanced at the floor and froze as he saw what he had hacked up.
A wad of loose rose petals, covered in saliva and a pink tinge of blood, laid on the floor. Unassuming but like a nail in a coffin. Specifically his own coffin.
Suho had heard of the hanahaki trope before. Obviously it was just a fictional, practically magical fantasy disease. Except before him laid proof that he truly didn't know everything about the world he was now trapped in.
Proof in the form of innocent white petals.
He felt sick.
He looked back out to see Javier was still practicing. Good. He had time to hide this.
The second the thought crossed his mind his lungs constricted.
“Fucking great.” He said through gritted teeth and limited breath.
Carefully he scooped up the slobbery white petals and tossed them out the window, watching them fall to the flowerbeds below. Where they belonged. Not in his fucking lungs.
Lloyd sat back at his desk and swore, “Fuck, what am I going to do.”
He sat there for an unknown amount of time till a knock at his door broke him out of his stupor. In walked none other than the problem at hand. Javier's cold eyes swept over Lloyd's form and Lloyd tried not to think too hard about it. His lungs felt tight.
“Did something happen while I was training Master Lloyd?” Javier asked.
Lloyd kept his face carefully neutral, “Nope, aside from me going bored out of my mind of course.”
Javier hummed, “Nothing else?”
Lloyd felt his heart stutter as he lied and avoided the inquiry, “No? Why, you don't trust me? Javier I thought we were closer than that! We had a bond!”
The knight frowned, “I fear for your health Master Lloyd, the face you're making right now looks painful.”
He gasped in offense, “Javier was that snark I heard?”
Javier gave Lloyd a blank look, “I haven't the faintest clue what you're referring to Master Lloyd. If you'll excuse me Master Lloyd, I have a meeting with the head of the royal knights.”
Lloyd waved Javier on flippantly but the second Javier left and Lloyd could hear the retreating footsteps he couldn't hold back any longer and began coughing up his feelings. White flower petals littered his room's hardwood flooring. By the time he found his breath there were probably enough petals that he could reconstruct a fully bloomed flower. His throat felt raw. His heart felt even more so.
That night doubts and insecurities wormed their way into his mind.
Hanahaki only had one cure that he knew of. Some iterations offered solutions like surgery, but as far as he knew the only real way to cure it was to confess the feelings one had for another. To quit holding them in. Let honesty lay the truth bare. Then again, this was another world. For all Lloyd knew, his only option was to let it grow and grow till it suffocated him. Either that or confess his feelings.
Lloyd huffed as he laid in bed, “Fuck that.”
He turned on his side and glanced at the window, the same one he'd been at hours earlier hacking his lungs out.
“He's perfect. Way out of my league.” Lloyd whispered between himself and the night.
The moonlight shone within his room, “I'm a drunkard hooligan, an imposter. I've been lying to him this whole time. We… don't even have a real relationship. I'm just the guy that tormented him for years.”
A soft breeze made the room's curtains billow, “He's perfect. A grand sword master with plenty of beautiful girls fawning over him, giving him love letters daily… I'm not even attractive.”
“I can't confess. I don't even have a shot.” Lloyd whispered to the empty room.
His heart ached in protest and in response his lungs constricted harshly. Lloyd threw himself into an upright position, knowing what was coming. Sure enough, he began coughing up flower petals. His lungs burned with the lack of reprieve. He just kept hacking up petals. His throat felt tight and crowded. Blood began to come up with each petal. It felt like there were knives in his esophagus. Dragging upwards and cutting into his throat. Lloyd felt like he'd been coughing for hours. Yet he couldn't breathe, his lungs were tight and air just wouldn't go in.
Then suddenly he really couldn't breathe. All at once there was something lodged in his throat making it so he couldn't take in oxygen. No matter how hard he hacked it wouldn't dislodge. At some point his eyes grew watery as his lungs burned. His vision blurred and he felt dizzy.
In a final attempt he coughed as hard as he could and for a second he feared he'd cough up something important, but finally air flooded his lungs and he got a swirling rush of oxygen. His hands caught the wad of petals that had almost killed him.
The door creaked and Lloyd flinched, head flying to look at what made the noise.
Javier stood by the door clearly on guard. His eyes were widened and his lips slightly parted in surprise. Lloyd probably mirrored his expression.
“...Master Lloyd?” Javier said softly.
Lloyd opened his mouth but couldn't find the words. Suddenly he was acutely aware of the situation he was in and the picture he painted.
The moonlight casted a soft blue hue in the room. Lloyd was sitting upright in his bed, surrounded by countless white petals. Some were bloodied and others were snow white, glowing almost in the moonlight. In the center of the morbid flowerbed sat Lloyd. Blood trickling slowly from his nose and mouth, and a perfectly formed white rose covered in blood sitting in his hands.
Lloyd looked at Javier and tried to say something, anything to explain this away. Instead of words coming out, he coughed more. Weakly and wetly. The roses within him probably had thorns tearing his insides to shreds he thought bitterly.
Javier came to his side immediately but froze, clearly at a loss.
“Master Lloyd… you did not divulge you were sick.” Javier said carefully as if he was walking on eggshells.
Lloyd hated it. The barely masked concern on Javier's face made him hate it more.
The second he got done coughing he said as such, “Quit it with the kicked kitten look. I'm- I'm fine.”
Javier scoffed, “You are definitely not fine.”
Lloyd sneered, “You don't get to make that decision.”
The knight schooled his expression though Lloyd knew Javier was less than thrilled, “Master Lloyd you are unwell. As it is my duty to take care of your well being, I will go and fetch the doctor.”
“I'm fine.” Lloyd said bitterly.
Javier sighed, “You have the flower sickness Master Lloyd. Do you not know how serious this is? You will die if…”
“If what?” Lloyd coughed though he meant for it to come off more angry.
“You must confess your romantic feelings to the one you're in love with.” Javier said after a few quiet moments of contemplation.
Lloyd snorted, “Not happening Mr. Mint.”
His knight sighed in exasperation, “Master Lloyd. You will die if you don't.”
He rolled his eyes, “I'm well aware.”
“And you still refuse to confess? Not even with the threat of death, do you not value your life?” Javier asked harshly.
“No, no I don't.” Lloyd said simply.
Javier stared at him, blue eyes searching his brown ones desperately. Lloyd loved those eyes. His own eyes burned with unshed tears.
“Why?” His knight whispered softly.
Lloyd looked away as tears silently rolled down his cheeks, “Because he deserves someone honest. Not a fraud or an alcoholic one drink away from the edge. Someone who's deserving of his love.”
Javier was suddenly much closer, his gaze intense, “Who are you to decide what your beloved deserves?”
“Because I'd take the choice away from him a thousand times if it secured his happiness. A life away from war, death, and hardships. He deserves peace.” Lloyd said with finality.
He coughed and gagged until another white rose came up bloodied.
The moon often reminded Suho of white roses.