Archive of Our Own ^beta

The halls of Jujutsu high are as quiet as always this late at night. Satoru has grown to enjoy these quiet nights over the years. It's a time where he can truly think or get the work done that he has to. The moon and its soft light are a comfortable contrast to the bright sun that tends to hurt his eyes. Now, at night, he can sit without a blindfold or his glasses. There is no bright sun, loud chatting or groups of people to overstimulate his six eyes. 

But tonight, that doesn't bring him any comfort. Tonight the quietness of the night doesn't provide him with the usual peace and relaxation. Not after what happened. 

He closes his eyes painfully at the memory. He remembers Megumi's distressed voice clearly. It had been obvious that his kid had been crying and he sounded extremely distraught. And after he told him what happened, Satoru had felt his chest tightening. 

He remembers Yuuji's lifeless body. Blood covering the ground and Megumi's clothes. The gaping wound on his chest, that left no room for debate if the kid was still alive. Megumi had sat down on the floor, tear trails on his cheeks as he held the other boy in his arms. “Please do something. You can, right?” Megumi had begged and Satoru is certain that his heart broke into pieces right then and there. The look his kid gave him reminded him so much of the little boy he once was and his chest ached at the thought. He always told Megumi that he's the strongest, so he can fix everything, but he couldn't fix this… He couldn't fix the dead kid in front of him.

It was like Haibara all over again. 

And Satoru dreads having to tell Nanami about Yuuji's death. He knows that Nanami also sees Haibara in the kid and he remembers how hard his death was on him. 

His train of thought is interrupted by the sound of a cut off scream. Immediately Satoru jumps up from Yuuji's bed that he had been sitting on. He was supposed to pack up some of the kids' stuff already but he didn't get far. 

A cold shiver runs down his spine and he leaves the room as quickly as possible. He knows that scream. He had heard it so often over the years whenever nightmares would torture his sweet little boy. 

Within seconds he is out of Yuuji's room and thanks himself for making the kid and Megumi dorm neighbors. So with a few long steps he's at Megumi’s door, his knuckles hover over the wood, then drop. He doesn’t knock. He slips inside.

The room is dark since barely any moonlight manages to get in. Megumi is sitting on the edge of his bed, hunched forward, his one fist clenched in the sheets, the other on his chest. His breath is coming fast, uneven and way too sharp. His shoulders tremble and Satoru can hear him gasping for air. 

Satoru just stares at him for a few seconds before he walks over to the bed. The closer he gets, the slower he walks, before he comes to a halt in front of the bed and kneels down. He recognizes the state his kid is in immediately. He has seen it in other students, friends and even himself before. That all consuming panic that swallows you entirely. 

A panic attack.

The sight twists something deep in his chest, a feeling he can’t blink away with his usual grin. He feels sick to his stomach and even worse, he feels useless. He's back at the detention center again, Megumi begging for him to fix it but he can’t. 

“Megumi.” He tries to keep his voice steady and it's softer than he remembers it being in a long while. For a second he considers if he should move closer before he stops kneeling and sits down in front of the boy. “Hey, kid.”

Megumi doesn’t look up at his words, whimpering under his breath, and the sound makes something primal twist in Satoru’s stomach. He hates this. He hates seeing Megumi like this. It breaks something deep inside him and without thinking about it longer, he reaches out and rests one of his hands on Megumi's shoulder. “It’s only me sweetie. You’re safe.”

The nickname slips out before he can stop it. He knows that his kid despites being called by affectionate nicknames but right now, it feels so natural. In a way it feels right to use an affectionate name to calm his little boy right now.

Megumi's wide and glassy eyes finally snap to the older and he looks like he is trying to focus on him. Like he is trying to understand where he is. Satoru's chest aches but he still tries to smile warmly at the boy. He needs to snap him out of this. 

“Breathe with me,” he murmurs gently, exaggerating a slow inhale, loud enough for Megumi to hear, then lets it out just as slowly. Carefully he reaches for one of Megumi's hands and places it on his own chest. It's a method he and Suguru always did.

“In… and out. Just like this, yeah? Try to only concentrate on my breath and heart beat.” He continues to exaggerate his breathing and hopes that his heartbeat is slow enough to actually help Megumi. He needs to calm down himself to help the kid, he knows that.

Megumi’s chest jerks as he tries but he shakes his head when he fails, eyes wild. “I- I can’t-” His voice cracks, and it’s so raw, that Satoru’s chest aches.

“You can,” He says firmly, though his voice remains soft and gentle. Carefully he moves his hand up from the kid's shoulder and sets it against the back of Megumi’s neck in an attempt to ground him. Not forcing, just anchoring. “You’re okay. I’ve got you. Nothing’s gonna happen to you, Megumi. Not on my watch. Just follow my breathing okay?”

The boy squeezes his eyes shut and tries another shuddering breath. Still too quick and too shallow though. Satoru swallows hard and simply tries to continue exaggerating his breathing. As much as it hurts him, there is nothing else he can do right now. “You're save, I'm right here okay? Right here.”

Finally, Megumi’s gaze flickers back to him and immediately Satoru catches his eyes. “Good. That’s it,” he murmurs. “Eyes on me. Just me, okay? In… out. Like this.” He breathes again, slow, exaggerated, like he’s teaching a child. Which, in a way, he is.

Megumi tries again. This time the inhale lasts longer. The exhale still shakes, but it comes. For a second a relieved feeling allows itself to ease his own breathing and he softly tightens his grip on Megumi's hand. 

“That’s it. You’re doing good, kiddo.” Satoru’s lips quirk upward in the faintest of smiles, though his chest aches. “Knew you could.”

Minutes pass - or maybe it’s hours, time feels strange when you’re holding someone together piece by piece. Megumi’s trembling doesn’t stop, but his breathing evens out enough for Satoru to feel him starting to come back. 

And then, suddenly, the words spill out. Broken and desperate. Spoken in a way that lets Satoru’s blood run cold and a lump forms in his throat. 

“It’s my fault.”

Satoru freezes. Oh Megumi… His chest aches and he's glad that his kid isn't relying on his breathing anymore by the way his breath stopped right now. Hearing these words out of his child's mouth, it rips something apart in him. It is Suguru all over again. “What is?”

He already can guess the answer but he needs Megumi to say it nonetheless. The kid's eyes brim with tears, though he tries to blink them away. His voice shakes. “Yuji. It's all my fault. If I hadn’t run away to get Nobara, he wouldn't have needed to switch with Sukuna. He would still be alive if it wasn't for my fucking cowardness.”

The self hatred in the kids voice startles Satoru and sends a shiver down his spine. His heart twists so violently he nearly doubles over. Of course Megumi would blame himself… Of fucking course. 

Immediately he wants to interrupt, stop this train of thought before it can fester, but the kid continues ranting, eyes flash up, wet and furious. “I should have died instead! Not him!”

The words hit like a blade and something inside Satoru fractures.

No. No, no, no. Not his kid.

“Don’t you dare say that,” Satoru snaps, sharper than intended but he can't help it. Fear has a tight grip around him and he only softens a little when he sees Megumi flinch a little. He lets go of Megumi's hand that he had placed on his chest and also moves it to his kid's face, cubbing it now between his hands. “Don’t you ever say that you should be the one who died.”

Megumi trembles. The anger dissolves into sobbing breaths. “He… he was better than me. Kinder. He didn’t deserve-”

“And you do?” Satoru cuts him off, voice fierce though he still tries to keep it gentle to not frighten the boy. “Megumi, listen to me. You deserve to live. You hear me? Both of you deserved to live. Yuji’s death-” He swallows, forcing the words out softer. “Yuji’s death isn’t on you. None of you kids should have been there in the first place. The only people to blame are Sukuna and the higher ups. Do you understand? None of this is your fault.”

Megumi shakes his head, fighting the tears that run down his cheeks. “No- you don’t get it. He was… good. The only thing he did was protect me. Like he always did. He is- he was bright, and stupid, and I- ” His voice breaks again, sharp as glass. “I liked him”

Satoru stills. The words hang in the air, fragile, shattering everything Satoru thought he was braced for. For a moment, he’s back years ago, hearing Suguru’s laughter echo in the night, moments of affection and stolen glances. His heart twists painfully.

Oh, Megumi… my boy.

Satoru exhales slowly, steadying himself. “You loved him,” he says softly. It's not a question, it's an acknowledgment. Megumi flinches and for a moment he says nothing. Then his eyes move up shortly to meet Satorus, before back down and then faintly, he nods. 

It takes nothing more for Satoru to finally pull the kid into his arms. This is such a bloody mess. This time Megumi doesn’t resist but instead he wraps his arms around Satoru's torso and presses his face against his chest. Immediately the older one moves one of his hands into his hair and softly starts running it through it. With the other one, he holds the boy in his lap tight to his chest. 

Megumi is trembling against him and he feels the boy snuggling closer. He holds onto him like he is drowning and Satoru tries his best to hold him over the water. 

God, he hates this world. Hates that his fifteen-year-old son has to carry this kind of pain and he can do nothing about it. Satoru shuts his eyes, just for a moment, and Suguru is there.

Suguru’s smile, sly but soft. His voice, mocking him, calling him an idiot, but warm all the same. His hand resting on his shoulder as they walked home from missions bloodied and bruised, like it was nothing. Suguru’s words, late at night when it was just the two of them. “We’re all cursed, Satoru. That’s why we cling to each other.”

The memory is like a knife in his chest. He knows what it's like to lose the person you love, in his own case, the person he loved more than life itself. And now his kid has to experience that pain as well. 

And Megumi is just a kid. He shouldn’t know this kind of loss. He shouldn’t know what it’s like to have feelings for someone and have them ripped away before you even understand them. 

Satoru presses his chin gently against the messy dark hair and with his hand he rubs steady circles on Megumi’s back. He's still searching for words when the kids suddenly speaks up again.

“He's dead because of me. I'm the reason he even became a Jujutsu sorcerer and I'm the reason he had to switch with Sukuna. It's all my fault. And I’m just- sitting here-” His breath hitches again, too fast, too shallow. His body curls inward, and Satoru’s hand instinctively presses firmer against his back.

“Breathe,” he urges, keeping his tone steady. Gently he continues to run his hand through the black hair and keeps his breathing calm since Megumi's head is pressed against his chest. “This is not your fault Megumi. You feel guilt for something that was out of your control.”

The boy shakes his head violently, but not enough for Satoru to take his hand out of his hair. His voice cracks. “It wasn't. I could have been the one to stay behind, the one to fight the curse. I had that possibility but I didn't. I ran and he died. He should’ve lived, not me. I don’t-” His throat closes on the words, like saying them out loud hurts too much.

Satoru feels his own chest aches, at the severity of what the kid is saying. It terrifies him to hear Megumi drown in guilt and he is painfully reminded of Suguru once again. He already lost a person to the crushing weight of survivor guilt. Already seen how it can change even the purest souls. 

He won't let that happen again. Not to his own child.

“Megumi.” His voice sharpens, just enough to cut through the storm of words. He waits until the boy looks up, eyes glassy and wet. “You are not disposable. You hear me? And I don't care how much you tell yourself that it should have been you because that's not true.”

Megumi’s lips tremble and it concerns Satoru how tired the kid looks. And that isn't a tiredness that comes from not enough sleep but pure exhaustion. An exhaustion no kid should possess. “But-”

“No ‘but.’” Satoru cuts him off. “You shouldn’t have died and, no matter how gruesome that sounds, I'm glad that it was Yuuji and not you. You’re my kid Megumi. My little boy that I raised. And you matter so much more than you’ll ever understand.”

For a moment Megumi just stares up at him but then his shoulders start to shiver again and the dam breaks. Tears start to run down his cheeks and this time he doesn't fight them. He lets them flow, though his breathing isn't as hectic anymore.

Satoru pulls him closer, both arms wrapping tighter around the boy like he can shield him from everything. Like he can protect him from the world that seems to have no sympathy for the teen in his arms. 

“Let it out,” Satoru whispers into his hair. His own eyes sting by now, but he doesn’t let the tears fall. Not now. Instead he rests his chin on the boy's hair again and takes a shuttering breath. “I’ve got you, Megumi. Always.”

And means that. He doesn't care what any higher up or other sorcerer has to say. He will do everything in his power to protect this child. His child. He'd let the world burn for Megumi and he doesn't shy away from admitting that.

As Megumi sobs into his shirt, holding onto Satoru like an anchor, the older one just continues to gently brush through his hair. “I'm not going anywhere,” he mumbles and rocks him slightly, like he did when the kid was still six years old. 

His heart aches at that thought. He wishes he could take away his pain, bear it himself. Shield the boy from the world inside their little apartment like he did when the kids were little. But all he can do is hold him.

So he does. For as long as it takes.

When Megumi’s sobs finally even out into soft sniffles, Satoru allows himself to let out a relieved breath. For now, the worst is over. He brushes the hair out of Megumi's face and almost smiles slightly as he sees Megumi's eyes fluttering shut. He must be exhausted. 

He softly kisses his forehead but as he shifts slightly, Megumi's eyes snap open again immediately and the kid looks at him with terror in the eyes. “Stay... please.”

Satoru's chest tightens and immediately he pulls his kid closer to his chest again. He already guessed that Megumi wouldn't want to be alone right now but it surprises him how openly he asks for him to stay. It only proves further how exhausted his kid is. 

But Satoru had no intention to leave in the first place.

“You’re safe,” he says again, softer now. His hand rests gently on Megumi’s hair, smoothing it back. Megumi looks up at him through teary but less frightened eyes and Satoru smiles softly at him in response. “I’ll stay right here. You don’t have to be alone.”

Following an instinct Satoru shifts, carefully maneuvering them until the both of them are lying down. Megumi snuggles closer to him, resting his head on Satoru's chest. Like a child seeking warmth and comfort from their parent. 

The thought lets a genuine smile form on his face and he gently runs his hand through Megumi’s hair again. His other arm is below the kid, holding him tight. “Try to rest. I’ll stay.”

The boy doesn’t argue and simply nods against his chest. “Thanks dad.” 

For a second Satoru freezes completely, shocked to hear Megumi call him that. But quickly the shock makes place for a warm feeling that fills his body within seconds. Belonging. Yes, he is this kid's dad, and it's by far his biggest achievement. 

“You're my greatest blessing Megumi,” he whispers into the boy's hair but by the even breathing of his son he knows that he's already asleep. His smile only increases at that and he places another kiss on his son's forehead.

You're save Megumi, I'll always be by your side.