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The first 24 hours may be the hardest of Mia’s life. After two kidnappings, torture, and mind control, watching Ethan lay still on the table shatters something inside her. He’s not dead. Well, not permanently anyway, but he’s hardly living either. There’s no pulse to take, thanks to the lack of a heart, and Mia’s not certain anymore if that’s breath she sees or if her eyes are playing tricks on her.
She argues with Chris at the beginning. “If he was dead, he’d crumble away. They always do.” And he concedes not only because Mia is right, but if there is any chance his friend will live, Chris takes it. It’s the least they all can do for Ethan after everything. So Ethan rests on a cold table in a hidden lab somewhere in the Rocky Mountains. Every test they know has been done, and now, they wait.
Mia visits every day, afraid for the worst, afraid to even touch him in case he crumbles under her hands. She talks and cries and prays one day she’ll hold her husband once again.
Then one morning there’s frantic knocking on her door. Mia stumbles in the dark, half asleep, and scared to death, and yanks the door open. Chris stares at her, “Ethan’s awake.”
Ethan smiles the second he spots her. He’s too weak to move from the table, but his arm wraps around her as she lays her head across his chest. They cry together, and she tells him she loves him more than a dozen times. Ethan whispers each time that he loves her back, and Mia’s heart aches at the depth of his love for her and Rose.
But Ethan’s recovery isn’t instant. He can’t walk; he can’t eat, and he vomits up black goo almost every day. Ethan shouldn’t be awake, least of all breathing and eating like normal, and his battered body fights to give up as Ethan fights to survive. Mia knows Ethan alone is the reason he’s still alive at all.
“I’m cold,” Ethan tells her one day, his voice soft and weak. She’s come to visit him in the makeshift bedroom they’ve made for him. In reality, it’s just some tiny room off the lab they pushed a medical bed into and a few personal items. There are IVs and monitors, and even if Ethan could walk on his own, he wouldn’t get far with everything he’s connected to.
Mia shrugs off her sweater. The room is already considerably warmer than outside, and she catches that Ethan is in another hoodie, a thicker one than he was wearing last. They can never keep him warm enough anymore. Mia promises to return with a blanket, but when she does, Ethan has already drifted back to sleep. She sighs and tucks the blanket around him before taking a seat beside him. Mia pulls out her latest crotchet project, but he’s still asleep when the time comes for her to check on Rose.
A few days later a makeshift nurse stops her before she reaches Ethan’s room. “He’s asked for a shower, but I think a bath would be best, all things considered.” Mia remembers watching Ethan crumble on the floor yesterday. He’s impatient to feel normal again, but Mia knows he’s no where ready. She’s even wondered if he’ll ever fully recover, but she buries those thoughts quickly. Ethan has proven time and again he can overcome anything.
“So would you be willing?” Mia realizes the nurse is looking at her.
“I’m sorry,” stumbles from her lips. “Be willing for what?”
The man sighs but an understanding smile follows quickly. They all know Mia has more than a million things on her mind. “Be willing to assist Ethan in the bath? I’ve already disconnected him from everything so you can take him right away. I’m just afraid that if he goes alone he might slip or worse, and I think he’d feel more comfortable if it was you.”
“Of course,” Mia nods. She’ll do anything for him, and he is her husband after all. “I’ll take care of it. Thanks, Greg.” He nods as well before disappearing
Ethan looks up and smiles. His face betrays how tired he is, but his eyes still crinkle when he sees her. She leans over and kisses him. When she leans back, she sees sadness flash in his eyes, but it disappears in a second. “I’m so happy to see you.”
Mia squeezes at his hand, as she’s done a hundred times before, to offer him reassurance, remind him of her love. Ethan hisses, and she hurriedly stumbles through apologies. “I’m fine, Mia. Really.”
“I’m supposed to help you,” Mia runs her fingers through his hair, catching gently on the tangles and grime. “No wonder you want a shower.” She mutters absentmindedly, and Ethan’s eyebrow shoots up. “Greg told me.”
Ethan nods then looks away. “Did he tell you he said no?”
“Actually,” Mia answers, pushing down the rails from the bedside. “He told me you just needed a bit of help.”
Ethan looks back. There’s shame, and her heart hurts seeing it. Ethan has always been self sufficient, the caregiver, and now he has a tray to catch urine. It’s easy to say there’s no reason to be embarrassed, but she knows that it’s a completely normal response.
Mia leans over to kiss him gently on the forehead. “I would never say no to bathing with my husband.”
Ethan visibly relaxes. She moves back to pull over his wheelchair then helps him slowly sit inside. He tries to stifle a groan when he moves, but Mia hears it anyway. “Sorry,” she says again, but this time she feels his left hand find her arm with a tiny squeeze.
“The water’s freezing,” Ethan remarks as he dips his fingers into the bath water she’s just prepared. Mia leans over to test it and pulls back instantly as the water stings her skin. “It’s hot?”
Mia nods but doesn’t look at him. “I guess I made the water hotter than I intended.”
She walks past him to grab the soap and shampoo. When she reaches him again, she feels his tug at her arm. Her eyes catch him. “Maybe I should just use wash rags again.”
“No, Ethan,” Mia dips to look at him squarely. “I’m happy to do this for you.” He begins to protest, but she cuts him off. “If it’s too cold, maybe I can use the shower head hose? That way it’s not overwhelming.” Ethan considers it before nodding. Mia leans up to kiss his grime filled hair, holds back a small gag, and leaves with a promise to be back momentarily.
Ethan is quiet as the water drains, and Mia slowly helps undress him. It’s not the first she’s undressed her husband, but it’s certainly different than most of the other times. She’s thankful for the loose shirt and jogging pants. Helping Ethan into the bath is a little more work than she’d hoped for, and he nearly falls at one point. But gratefully she catches him before he can hit the surface.
He sits on a small stool she’s added for him, and Mia turns the water back on. “I’ll make it as hot as I can, but it may still be cold. Tell me if I need to stop, okay?”
“I can do it,” Ethan responds instead. Mia is taken aback, and it clearly offends him. “I still have one hand, Mia.”
“Ethan, I don’t mind helping,” but by the look he gives her, she decides to back off. “I’ll grab the shampoo and soap.”
At first, Ethan manages on his own. He takes the hose to his hair then squeezes the shampoo over his head. His remaining fingers spread it through each strand, but it’s when time to use the body wash, it all goes wrong.
Maybe it is the water or remaining shampoo on his hands, but the bottle slips from his hand. Instinctively, Ethan reaches out to grab it, and the movement sends him sprawling. He lands with a sickening thud, and for a second, all Mia can do is stare in horror.
The next second Mia is by Ethan’s side. He’s trying to stand, but his body won’t cooperate. Mia stills him then steps into the bath and pulls him to a sitting position. She reaches for his face and sees blood dripping down his nose. “It’s not broken,” is all Ethan says. Mia doesn’t comment but silently promises to have it checked out. She reaches for a towel and holds it up to catch the blood. Mia doesn’t ask if he’s alright; she already knows the answer. Instead, she offers to lift him back on the stool and help him finish. Ethan gives her the tiniest of nods but nothing else. He refuses to even look at her.
It’s in these moments Mia doesn’t know what to say. Everything that comes to mind is patronizing. She just wants to comfort him, but the words are hollow with his condition. Ethan has no strength in his legs, barely any in his arms, and virtually zero coordination. He isn’t dead, but he isn’t living. There’s no indication he will improve, and understanding of how to help is nonexistent. They’re all making it up as they go, and poor Ethan is stuck in the middle.
So, Mia says nothing. She gathers her husband and helps him back upon the stool. Mia finds the body wash where it had fallen and squeezes a generous portion on a rag. By the time she’s halfway down his back, Mia hears the first sniff.
She pauses to listen, but she doesn’t hear it again. Her hand moves to continue when she a second sniff, clear as day, reaches her.
“Ethan?”
His head is bowed, and Mia has to lean in. But as she does, it’s obvious the noise is coming from him.
“Ethan, look at me,” she begs, gently trying to pull his head to face her, but he shakes off her movement. Mia stands suddenly before dropping into the tub before him. The water soaks through her pants’ legs, but she doesn’t care. Her focus is on Ethan, and when she reaches for him again, he doesn’t reject her.
Mia has seen Ethan cry a few times, but she has never gotten used to the sight. Tears streak down red lines on his face, and his eyes are squeezed shut. “Ethan, talk to me. How can I help?”
A bitter laugh leaves his throat. “Help? It’s all you do. It’s all everyone has to do. Help me.” He shakes his head and looks past her. “Help me eat, help me dress, bathe, wipe my ass,” the last part coming out as a hiss.
“There’s nothing wrong with help, Ethan.”
“Of course not, Mia,” Ethan shoots her a sharp look, but then, tears spring back as he sits thinking for a minute. “But it’s humiliating. I’m not me anymore. I can’t do anything on my own. How is that living?”
Mia doesn’t say anything at first. Then she looks down with a whisper. “What do you want then? To give up?”
Ethan’s hand finds her face this time and lifts her head to look at him. “No, Mia, no. I, I just feel so lost. I close my eyes alone and wake up just as alone after dreaming again and again about monsters tearing me apart. To watching you die. To losing Rose. And then I lay in my bed unable to care for myself let alone you or Rose.”
“I thought the doctor gave you something?”
“They didn’t work,” Mia pushes her lips into a thin line as he tells her this. “I tried others too. Nothing stops the nightmares.”
She reaches for his hand. “Then talk to me.”
Ethan shakes his head. “I can’t, I won’t allow you to know. It’s…” he closes his eyes in silence.
“Please don’t suffer alone,” Mia murmurs.
Ethan’s next words shatter her heart. “I’m already too much of a burden.”
Tears of her own spring to her eyes. “Ethan, you’re not. If I had to spend every waking hour or more helping you, I would. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”
“I know,” he answers softly.
“Then let me help you,” Mia cries earnestly, her hands holding his face.
Ethan nods slightly with a small, “Okay.”
Mia leans up to press a small kiss against his forehead before stepping back out of the tub. The legs of her pants are soaked, but it’s worth it to Mia. Then she thinks, “Ethan, let me help you sit on the bottom of the tub.”
He looks at her with surprise but obliges. She reaches back for the knob and turns on the water for as hot as she can take it. As it fills the tub, she glances at Ethan who nods for her to continue. Mia pulls back to drop her pants to the floor. Her shirt and under garments follow shortly. By the time the bath water has reached high enough for Mia’s liking, Ethan is looking at her with wide eyes. Mia smiles and steps into the bath sitting in front of him. “All help doesn’t have to feel awful.”
She finds the soap again and lathers it across his body. Ethan relaxes into her, and soon, Mia finds her arms around him as she holds him. This time he allows himself to cry into her, and she rubs against his back and whispers comfort just as he did for her after Dulvey.
Mia pulls back and holds his face in her hands. “I love you, Ethan Winters. I always will. No matter what happens, I promise I’ll be here by your side.”
Ethan leans forward and presses a soft kiss upon her forehead. “I know.”
“And whatever this is? We will do this together. I promise.” And Ethan nods his understanding.
That night, Ethan wakes again to nightmares. Visions of horror Mia isn’t sure she can understand. But when she reaches for him, she watches his body calm. Soon, he rests beside her again. It isn’t much, but it’s all she has. Mia won’t let him walk this path alone. It will always be her and Ethan.