Chapter Text
(5:38) alright oikawa
(5:38) i give
(5:38) how do i beat iwaizumi at arm wrestling
(5:38) what's the secret
(5:39) that's not an implication that i believe u've ever beaten iwaizumi btw (iwaizumi > u) but i do know that u, as his childhood friend, have the dirt on him. so, as my friend, i trust that you will exploit his weaknesses to me
(5:41) have you tried throwing in the element of surprise?
(5:42) examples include screaming, blowing in his face, or announcing your infatuation with him and/or his muscles
(5:44) holy shit oikawa u traitorous lil minx. that's genius. i love it. go. go take my keys and fuck my wife. u've earned it my guy
(5:46) thanks man
(5:46) although I'm not Oikawa, if that changes anything
(5:47) oh sorry man new phone
(5:47) n nah she's still all urs bud
(5:48) but she's non-existent, if that changes anything
(5:50) I'll take what I can get
(5:51) i'd give u iwaizumi
(5:51) who's like ideal wife material
(5:52) but he would be mad if i promised his chastity to a stranger + he'd probably kill me
(5:53) no offense of course
(5:54) none taken my guy
(5:55) besides, given your original text, I'm pretty sure the guy would kick you into next week if you did
(5:55) and I don't wanna be responsible for that
(5:56) ouch
(5:57) just u wait. i'm gonna beat iwaizumi. tomorrow. using ur tactics. thanks again man
(5:58) good luck
(5:58) I believe in you
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(4:08) alright so
(4:08) tried ur advice. sudden exclamation, cheeky flirting, blowing him
(4:08) lmao you gave him a bj whilst arm wrestling?
(4:08) now that's a talent
(4:09) ayyy lmao
(4:09) cheeky. i love it
(4:10) I'm here all week
(4:10) all month, all year
(4:11) anyway. was my advice as successful as my comedy?
(4:12) flirting was a bust
(4:12) and here I thought the blowie was gonna be the bust
(4:12) of a nut
(4:12) that's an ejaculation joke hahaha. a classic
(4:13) oh god wait you're not like 12 are you
(4:13) wtf no of course not
(4:14) i'm 13 and a half
(4:14) lol jk i'm 17 (an appropriate age for dick jokes. feel free to keep 'em cummin)
(4:15) wow
(4:15) that was just terrible but really the worst part was that I actually laughed
(4:15) but just so you kno I'm 18 so you gotta save me as senpai in your phone sorry those are the rules
(4:15) anyway anyway, please go on with your "arm wrestling"
(4:16) are u still a third year tho? cos if so then ur no senpai of mine, comedian-kun
(4:16) but yes, flirting and blowing did nothing to iwaizumi
(4:17) and shouting just made me look silly. i am sorry. i have failed you
(4:17) fear not, loser-kun
(4:17) for I still believe in you
(4:18) thanks, naruto
(4:18) i won't let you down.......... naruto
(4:19) please... no.. .
(4:19) it's Matsukawa Issei btw
(4:19) Hanamaki Takahiro
(4:20) a pleasure to meet u
(4:20) lol blaze
(4:20) right back at you
(4:21) in both the greeting and the marijuana reference
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(6:28) so how's the beating that guy in arm wrestling coming along?
(6:37) honestly i've been at this for about 3 years now
(6:37) the second i laid eyes on the man
(6:37) i knew
(6:37) that one day...
(6:38) i was gonna surpass his strength
(6:38) but so far no good
(6:40) three years??
(6:40) damn I would've caved + begged for advice after like 3 months
(6:42) i've always had faith in these guns o' mine
(6:42) but i'm running out of time now
(6:43) gotta leave my dear little iwaizumi with the memory of a crushing defeat
(6:45) how romantic
(6:46) I daresay poetic
(6:46) and speaking of poetry
(6:47) smooth transition
(6:47) do you have any understanding of the spider poem
(6:48) "the spider poem" let's not reduce the art that is Incy Wincy to such a lazy title
(6:48) yeah well jokes on you Hanamaki
(6:49) I'm talking about Little Miss Muffet
(6:49) oh jeez thats embarrassing
(6:49) nah this is the noiseless patient spider one right?
(6:50) ye
(6:54) well my consultant informs me that ur spider poem is about how the spider trying to form its web is the same to how the narrator's soul is exploring and trying to connect
(6:55) thanks
(6:55) be sure to forward my gratitude to your consultant
(6:56) and also to your wife and, of course, your mother
(6:57) jokes on you
(6:57) they're all the same person
(6:58) I'm starting to get the feeling that you have no friends other than the arm man
(6:58) since it appears he is your wife, rival, and now apparently your mother and adviser
(6:58) ouch
(6:58) but i'll have u know i have arm man AND his lover leg man (who was actually my consultant)
(6:59) and also i have u now. we're friends. we're besties. love u boo
(7:00) oh but Hanamaki... what about your wife....
(7:00) she left me..
(7:00) said she wanted a real man...
(7:02) wow..
(7:02) no wonder she's with me now...
(7:03) now that's just rude
(7:03) ur supposed to comfort me at such trying times, u kno
(7:04) yes yes
(7:04) I'm sorry your wife failed to see just how much of a handsome, manly, strong cream puff you really are
(7:05) wow... u smooth talker....
(7:05) bonus points bcos creampuffs are delicious and perfect in every single way i love them
(7:06) wait a minute are u implying that i'm filled with cream? that's disgusting matsukawa. i'm going to have to go pray now
(7:07) suppress the homosexuality
(7:07) go arm wrestle someone
(7:07) wait no you'll end up blowing them
(7:08) u dont even know if i'm a guy or gal. maybe i need to suppress the heterosexuality
(7:08) i'm a guy btw. in case u were wondering. like. idk just giving my bff some personal details about myself don't mind me
(7:08) ngl I was curious and in case you were also curious I will take this text to confirm that same
(7:09) but anyway if you're gonna give details then ;) what are you wearing
(7:09) oh babe ;) but 7pm is a bit early don't you think
(7:10) time isn't real ;)
(7:11) ain't that the truth
(7:11) and because it isn't, i'm gonna take a nap
(7:14) sweet dreams, princess
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(3:14) guess who's third wheeling
(3:16) have you tried pretending they're your parents
(3:16) just keep calling them mom and dad
(3:17) i dont think they know it's a date
(3:17) probably because you're there
(3:17) since they don't know they're fuckigng gay for each other
(3:18) im just sat here whilst they act like an old married couple
(3:18) also it's not rly a date since we're at mcdonalds
(3:19) I'd take someone on a date to mcdonalds
(3:19) call in, make a reservation, it'd be romantic
(3:20) go up to the counter like "ah yes, what does the chef recommend?"
(3:20) throw a scene to spice things up
(3:21) is that an implication that mcdonalds lacks spices? how sly
(3:21) you tell me
(3:21) you're the one currently crashing a mcdonalds date
(3:21) a mcdate, if you will
(3:23) im stealing oikawa's fries and he's whining about it to iwaizumi
(3:23) ok to give u a visual oikawa is 6ft and calls himself pretty boy
(3:23) iwaizumi is like 5 10 but looks smaller bcos of his man child companion but also he's pretty buff
(3:24) and then there's me. the hot one.
(3:24) it's a weird scene but i pull it back
(3:26) sounds like you guys need a script
(3:26) you willin to provide one?
(3:26) here's a prompt: Oikawa and Iwaizumi are going through some trying times and you're just adding fuel to the fire because you're in love with one of them
(3:31) alright so i walked them through the plot
(3:31) iwaizumi said no. oikawa gave you a nickname
(3:32) I feel included
(3:32) i'm glad you do, mattsun
(3:33) wow
(3:34) if it's any consolation he has nicknames for everyone
(3:34) damn
(3:34) and here I thought I was special
(3:35) what's yours tho
(3:35) makki
(3:35) lmao
(3:35) altho iwa-chan has been suffering for much longer than i have
(3:36) Iwa-chan
(3:36) I love it
(3:36) does anyone have a nickname for Oikawa?
(3:37) iwaizumi calls him stuff like shittykawa, crappykawa, assikawa, trashykawa
(3:37) whereas i call him daddy
(3:38) when you arm wrestle w/ Iwa-chan is it for Oikawa's hand?
(3:39) if only it were. i'd gladly lose
(3:39) cos it sounds to me like Iwaizumi is playing hard to get
(3:39) a tsundere?
(3:40) nah oikawa's just hard to want
(3:42) he just read that over my shoulder and now he's complaining again
(3:42) iwaizumi said i had a point and now oikawas pouting so he's resolving things by telling oikawa to just steal my food
(3:42) whipped :/
(3:45) perks of marriage: tag team the lil guy
(4:02) ok at this point I'm a little worried
(4:02) tag team extreme: they both beat you at arm wrestling and now you've been left to cry alone at mcdonalds?
(4:05) ok firstly oikawa is not a threat i could easily beat him in arm wrestling
(4:05) and secondly, fret not my dearest mattsun
(4:06) for i was simply leaving mcdonalds to sit in the much more pleasant area of the shitty park near that really cheap random stuff store
(4:08) I get birthday presents from that store
(4:08) I mean if it's the same shitty park and store I'm thinking of that is
(4:08) there's that really tall cashier with the bedhead right?
(4:08) but anyway one time they were selling minion perfume and a Shrek necklace
(4:09) my friend was not impressed with my thoughtful and unique gift
(4:10) holy shit i want a shreklace
(4:10) n yea bedhead boy wow we've been in the same store before how romantic
(4:11) to confirm our romance we could get matching shreklaces
(4:11) yeah
(4:12) like how when people meet up on blind dates and are like "im the one with the red rose"
(4:12) our identifior would be shrek
(4:12) maybe shrek will be our red rose
(4:13) that's so romantic
(4:13) it's what shrek would want
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(4:20) blaze it
(4:20) blaz
(4:21) fuck
(4:21) rekt lol
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(10:49) what do you do ?
(11:03) I have a few responses to that question so I'm just gonna say them all
(11:03) 1. your mum
(11:03) 2. I believe the question is "'how' do you do?" really Hanamaki being formal just isn't your expertise is it
(11:03) 3. or is this like friendship sexting
(11:04) 4. look fine and get mad puss
(11:04) 5. disappoint in bed
(11:04) 6. disappoint in general, really
(11:21) well here i was trying to get to know u a bit better
(11:21) seeing as u know that im buff and on my way to becoming the all time arm wrestling champ
(11:23) so i just wanted to know more about u so when i'm interviewed about my success, i could easily talk about how i got some advice from matsukawa, a man who apparently looks fine and gets mad puss, but disappoints in bed + in general
(11:23) but no. just call my attempt of conversation "friendship sexting." u wound me
(11:25) yea yea sorry, I just couldn't resist
(11:27) I play volleyball, hang out with friends, school, swim
(11:28) sometimes I just stay in bed all day but hey don't we all
(11:28) oh hey cool what position
(11:29) sorry but 11am is far too early for sexting, Hanamaki
(11:30) i believe we've already established that sexting cannot be confined to the social construct of time ;)
(11:31) but no in volleyball what position do u play
(11:33) I'm a middle blocker
(11:33) do you play?
(11:35) yea im a wing spiker
(11:35) oikawa + iwaizumi play too setter and wing spiker (ace tho)
(11:36) oh hey funnily enough my setter and wing spiker are blatantly in love with each other too
(11:39) do they make u awkwardly tag along on their dates too
(11:40) sometimes
(11:40) but they also drag another guy who's really quiet so it's always like a terrible double date
(11:40) yet at the same time it's also kinda like Asahi and I are their kids and they're taking us out for an awkward family dinner
(11:43) oh man
(11:43) i feel you
(11:44) Makki, please...
(11:44) save the sexting for after 9pm...
(11:45) i cant help it mattsun
(11:45) you're just too sexy