Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Nigel, i am dictating this letter to Sam.

I know you don't want to talk to me, and as you said, you don't want to hear any apologies. But please, give me the opportunity to explain myself.
Before and at the wedding, i treated you abominable. Thinking about it, after the wedding i acted so cruel and heartless, i am deeply ashamed about it now. You did not deserve that. I guess my wedding panic and my silly crush on Chris mixed up and i really couldn't think straight anymore. I only knew, that i couldn't do this to you. I felt that we would have been married under false assumptions. I had a unhappy marriage with Beatrice, and i believed, marrying you, would again trapp another person in a bad marriage. That wouldn't be fair to you. It was so mean to say, that our relationship lacked passion. To use that as an excuse to cancel the wedding. To blame you for that. You wanted a full relationship, but it was my lack of experience who prevented that.

Coming from an age, where showing emotions in public was frowned upon, it is difficult to express feelings for me. I never learned that. Beeing a soldier doesn't makes it easier. I think, we both can agree on that. I know that you wanted more, and i wasn't ready for that. It was a dissappointment for you. And i have dissappointed you.No wonder you consoled yourself with Jenkins and then Chris. I don't blame you for that! Maybe that is the big difference between us. I married young and tried to hide my true self, you lifed as open as it was possible during our lifetime. I envie you for the experiences you made, at home and abroad. How bold you must have been, i can only imagine how dangerous it was sometimes. I also envie you for the fun you had, while i was still trying to be like all the straight guys. I desperatly wanted to belong to the circle around Franklin and Hamilton.They never respected me, because they could sense, that i tried to be somebody i wasn't.

Looking back is painful.
But maybe i can learn something from it and try to be a better person in the future. Whenever i start to doubt myself, i will try to remember the moments i thought i lost you forever. The first time when Jenkins lied to both of us, and the second time when Ralph the cholera ghost got sucked off.I never felt so sad in my afterlife, and never been so happy and relieved when i saw you again minutes later.
Don't get me wrong, i don't want your forgiveness. All i want is, that we accept the mistakes we made and move on. No, i am not still dreaming about a future with Chris. After what he did to you, i am cured from him.
Even if we can't make each other happy in a way we both deserve, maybe we should start simply as friends. Think about this, as long as you need to. I will be waiting at the lake every night.
When you are ready come and talk to me. You have all the time in the world. Sam will bring this letter to the shed today.
your friend Isaac

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Nigel, my special friend,

i am writing to you again, because you ignored my first letter. You never answered it. You didn't show up to our yearly parley last week, so i am slightly worried about your wellbeing. Neither Baxter or Jenkins couldn't give a me a reasonable answer. So Sam writes this letter for me and will bring it later to the shed.

I know what i did to you on our wedding day, and i am so sorry. You made it quiete clear to me that we are finished with each other. But please hear me out. After that you are free to make a decision and judge and condemn me as much as you like. I know that i should have talked to you about my doubts before the wedding. Chris was only the last straw. You have every right to be angry at me, and to ask why did i proposed to you at all, if i wasn't 100% sure. After listening to the other ghosts and Sam, i thought that our just special friendship must move on in a certain direction like working through a list. Which is totale nonsense, instead we should have listened to our instincts.

After i found out about your relapse with Jenkins at christmas, i invited you to move into the house to make a new start. You slept in the library and i shared a room as before with Hetty. At the beginning it was great. We had our walks, our discussions and our little tiffs. But the nights got lonely. I wanted us to spend our nights together. But i needed a way to ease my conscience. I guess, that is my puritan upbringing. I thought with the prospect of us getting married. it would feel less sinful, that is one of the reasons i proposed. It would had been much easier just to say to you that i wanted us to share a room from now on. I didn't trust myself, i knew what was bound to happen as soon as we would start to spend the the night together. I was right about that, it's just human nature. You always said, there is nothing to be ashamed about beeing human.

Apart from my wedding night with Beatrice, the years at university and the time i had to share the room with Hetty, i always sleept on my own. I told you before about my sad tryout with Beatrice, how unexperienced at least i was. However, Beatrice got pregnant at once and i was banned from our bed room, because sex during pregnancy was considered as dangerous for the baby and could let to miscarriages. The day Beatrice was in labour, i was working as usual, Beatrice mother sent me a note to my office, that i was to go to my parents house after work and wait there. The baby arrived in the evening, it was a girl, we called her Emily. She didn't looked like Beatrice or like a Higgintoot at all, but suspiciously like my best friend Edward. It didn't matter, i loved her at first sight and she was my daughter and nothing else. Even after Beatrice recovered i was still banned from her room, she used my terrible snoring as an excuse.

Life just went on and then i met you for the first time. I liked you right from the start, and it only confirmed my suspicions that i prefered men. We met again in the wars, i accicently shot you and died soon after that myself. Then it only took me 250 years to propose, but i did it. And i felt so brave doing it. I wanted the happily everafter just as much as you wanted it. But we where both not used living so close together and both much to proud or to stupid to lay the cards on the table and talk about our worries. That was our first big mistake that led to disaster in the end. I am as much at fault as you are at this point. You where so busy planing the wedding, and Sam, Alberta and Hetty all had their different opinions how a wedding should be. It all got to much. All the unwanted marriage advices it got from persons like Peter or Thorfinn, only made me more nervous.
Suddenly i felt like i must became a real grownup, a partner, husband and provider to you at once. I felt like i wasn't good enough for you any longer. But on the contrary, you never ever tried or asked me to change.   That was all only rubbish going on in my head.

Then came the stag night. We both know now from painful experience that Chris is not the sharpest knife. But i have never seen a person who is so free. Or at least appears so. I admired that he was able to express his desires without shame or selfdoubt. Beeing born in modern times he never experienced what we had to, the constant hiding, the fear of the law, the church, or what our parents, superiors or friends would think. I envie him that kind of freedom. Seeing Chris dance on my stag night, it was arousal what i felt. Denying that would a big lie. Believe me, it was like eating oatmeal for a lifetime and suddenly you can choose your dinner from a buffet with all kinds of food. Forgive me, a stupid comparison, you where never anything like oatmeal to me. You are great and perfect just the way you are. Don' t ever go for anything else. I am sorry, that you didn't stand a chance against a modern guy. I think meeting a modern gay man for the first time in my afterlife was to much for my 18th century mind. I am jealous because these men can have all the things i could only dream about during my lifetime.The media and televison today have an enormous influence how these men see themself and how they want to be seen. There is no need to hide in the shadows anymore. The can marry and adopt children with the protection of the law, nobody cares anymore. A concept complete unknown to 18th century soldiers like us.

All the different feelings mixed up in my head. In my eyes it was so sinful, i felt terribly guilty, and beeing a puritan only made it worse. I tried to explain it to myself, to justify the whole of it, i convinced myself that i was in love. It haunted me, how could i still love you when i found Chris so irresistible? For me the only honorable way to solve the situation, was to cancel the wedding. At this point i was sure i would never be the husband,  you deserved. I never was a good husband to Beatrice, and i really tried so hard, and i feared that i would make the same mistake again in marrying you. I was convinced that i would make you unhappy sooner or later. The thought alone that you would be miserable because of my mistakes, hurts me. I acted with the best intentions. I only made it worse. i hurt you even more. It wasn't right to cancel the wedding without speaking to you first. I should have asked you what you wanted. If we postponed the wedding for a few weeks, maybe we would have gotten over our troubles.

When Chris became a ghost, we both acted like fools. How could i ever believe that he was meant to be the love of my afterlife and there could no other solution then that he would love me back, as soon as he looked at me? It became quickly apparent that he wasn't worth the trouble. He hated my guts right from the begining. Very soon i realised, that we had nothing in common. He would never be able to replace you. He didn't gave you the love, respect and attention you truly deserve in the long run. He is unable to love anybody but himself. You are no saint, you have a temper, are slightly jealous about my friendship with Hetty and sometimes you tend to overreact. But on the other side you are and always where a good, kind and understanding friend, fiancé and a true gentleman. I can't think of anybody else i wish to spend my afterlife with.

Looking back at Chris, he is completly without compassion or empathy, or has the slightest idea that other people have feelings that could be hurt. We both wasted our time with him. I don't know what happend between the 2 of you, and i don't want to know the details, but i really hope he didn't broke your heart. It was painful to look at myself and to realise, that i throw the best thing in my afterlife away for a mere fantasy. That the guy i believed myself in love with, was just a product of my imagination. Chris could never hold up to the high standards you set. He has no idea what the Iliad is, or has even read a complete book in his whole life. He only talks about football or rugby.

I know we both need time to let the wounds heal. I wish i could turn back the clock right before the stag night. Even if we can't be lovers anymore, i simply wish for us to be friends again. I miss my old friend Nigel.  Our walks, our discussions. I miss my sparring partner. Somehow you are still a part of me. Beeing with you made me a better person, even if you don't believe that anymore. I want to listen to the Iliad with you and move on to the Odyssee. And there is the new Jurassic Park movie with Jonathan Bailey, yes, the Bridgerton guy, you remember. I can't wait to see it with you. Think about it, my dearest friend. Take your time, i am not going anywhere! Yours Isaac

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Isaac, i read your letters several times, of course i did. Please stop writing to me. I can see what your intention is. You want to apologise, to turn back the clock and start all over again as friends. But in my opinion is is just not possible at the moment. It is not that i don't want us to be friends again, but i can't see how. Please accept that. I think whe have both hurt each other so badly, even though we used to love each other so much once upon a time. But it feels like there is not much left of it, after you tried to replace me with Chris and i tried to do the same to you. I behaved so wrong. For that i am truly sorry, it was just cheap revenge and really below my level. My flirt with Chris came to nothing, he couldn't bear you right away  (a clear sign, what an idiot he is, he couldn't see you how brillant you are), we both where really acted so stupid in our injured pride and in the end we only hurt ourself. You are right, Chris wasn't worth the trouble. He couldn't appreciate any of us. He enjoyed watching us fighting over him. Seeing how mean he treated you, i am deeply ashamed now, that i wasn't able to help you out of the situation. I wasn't a true friend at that point. I must admit if i had to choose between you, Jenkins or Chris, i would rather spend eternity on my own, than risking such a disappointment again.

I am not over how horrible our relationship ended, i am still heartbroken, i will be in that sorry state for a while. It is not like i could start a new hobby to find some distraction, a new occupation, new friends, a new love, that won't happen to me. That leaves me to think about over and over again what went wrong between us, and what we could have done to prevent it . Honestly i have no clue, apart from never book a living stripper for a ghost stag night again. I could see that you too tried to get over our breakup. It was a sight to behold to see you with your hair down ruining around the estate with Trevors work collegues. I hope it cheered you up for a while.

Isaac, if you only talked to me about that you wanted a closer relationship. It is endearing that you believed the only way of achieving that would be offering me marriage. That is so oldfashioned even for a someone from the 18th century. You only had to ask. I didn't understood your hints and got confused and worried that you found me hideous, that you didn't cared for me anymore because of my left hand and the webbed feet. Of course i couldn't stand the comparison to a modern living guy. In the end the temptation was just to much for you.

Certainly i miss our walks around the lake every day. And i miss talking to you about the Iliad, or listen to the audiofile of the Symposium. Your are the only person i can have conversations about literature or poetry on a really high level. Sometimes i even miss your constant Hamilton diatribes. We talked a lot about the wars, our lifes before we met, we had such a measure of understanding not only because we both grew up in the 18th century. I never experienced that with anybody else. We are different sides of the same coin, and there is nothing we can do about it. Baxter and Jenkins are both born in 1740ies as i am, but i could never speak to them about the things that mattered to me. They simply wouldn't understand it and where soon bored and cease to listen or to contribute anything remotely interesting to the conversation. It was even worse with Chris, beeing a child of the 20th century, most of the times he had no idea what i was talking about. Also he has the attention span of a housefly. It was difficult for me, he didn't spoke that much, except when it was about football, Australia or his bodycount, most of the items he mentioned where just incomprehensible for me. But seriously what could you expect from someone from a convicts island?

What is really torturing me is, that everywhere i go on the grounds, the lake, the woods and especially the house, memories of our time together come back. The liberary where you confessed that you accidently killed me, the dining room where we had to play D&D with the other ghosts to solve our conflict, the upstairs living room where you proposed and later ended our relationship, i can't go anywhere without beeing reminded of you. If i could, i would leave the grounds for good and never look back! But i don't have that option, sometimes i really envie Peter who can go away at least for a few days.

But i have an inkling what my ghostpower could be. Today something strange happend, i was talking to Sam in the living room, and apparently that Alexa lady can hear my voice, it is similar to Albertas ghostpower. But i can't tell Alexa to play some music or ask questions. Everything it said to Sam was written down on her laptop within seconds. It was so bizarre. We made a test, all i had to do was to tell Alexa to start to write, and Sam only needed to open a blank page for me on her laptop. Sam kept on nagging that i never answered your letters, so here i am now in the library once again, trying to speak my point of view and to be as honest as possible.

I see that we must find a solution. The grounds aren't big enough that we can avoid each other forever. It wouldn't be polite to simply ignore each other, and a very childish behaviour too. It is not an option to redraw the boarders again, and it would be silly if we both stay on our sides. I made friends in the house, so its only natural that i spend time there for antsclub in the basement or watch the discovery channel with Peter and Thorfinn. You love to go to the lake and have your daily walk in the woods, and that is fine and completly within your rights. We must accept that we are stucked here forever and there is no way out of it. At least until heaven or hell or whoever decides that, suckes one of us off. In my case that could take a while, i did a lot of depraved things in my life and i am not in the least ashamed of it, it made a otherwise boring excistence a lot more bearable. It was fun while it lasted. I guess, that is the reason heaven has no interest in me. If you ever get sucked off, i would be very sad indeed. Even if we can't be an item again, you are still such a major part of my afterlife, beeing without you would be terrible. The thought alone that i would never hear you talking about the Iliad again, our seeing your starstrucked face when you watch a movie with Jonathan Bailey, is terrible. I remember the evening when you proposed, i was in the shed to talk to Jenkins and Baxter, when i saw the lightning column. I never felt such panic before. Not even in the wars. It was only for a few minutes until i met you in the hall again, but i will never forget how i felt at that moment, thinking that i lost you forever. The thought alone gives me great comfort, that i only have to go to the house and of course you will be there. Hopefully that won't change in the future. I see it, i am so selfish again, only thinking only about what losing you would mean for me, not that it could make you happy after all.

My suggestion would be, that we at least try to be grownups and end all hostilities and continue to live on the same grounds in a peaceful way. A certain measure of civility is necessary to move on. I see no other option. Maybe we can meet at the lake and talk about our issues without any ghosts or livings judging us and eavesdropping at us all the times. And especially we should never ever listen again to anything Chris or Jenkins have to say. In your case don't listen to the relationship advices your friends Hetty and Trevor gave you so freely, that never ended well for us.

Think about it, my special friend, and came to me whenever you are ready. I have all the time in the world.

Isaac, i am not sure if i ever going to let you read this, because the letter actually got a lot more personal that i intended to. I need to think this over for a few days. Please have some patience. There was always a palpable tension going on and on between us for 250 years, so maybe waiting some more days more doesn't really matter in the end.

Your friend Nigel