Chapter Text
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
Okay so my big bro had his boyfriend over last night, and our parents have no idea whatsoever, so I'm very curious as to how he's gonna smuggle him out now that the whole household is awake.
So, now we wait in great anticipation.
Cooler Best Bro
(@yeetthesadout)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
Bro. BRO YOU CAN'T JUST NOT TELL US MORE?!?!!On another note, this definetly sounds like something your bro's boyfriend would do, from the few times I've met him.
Spear Your Heart
(@motomotolikesyou)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @yeetthesadout)
Kaito you are now my favorite person ever, please continue giving updates
2 Chaotic 4 U
(@everyonelovesme_16)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani, @yeetthesadout and @motomotolikesyou)
Wait you're talking about the Shield Hero right? RIGHT??
Spear Your Heart
(@motomotolikesyou)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani, @yeetthesadout and @motomotolikesyou)
YUP
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
To everyone asking for updates:
Yes, The Boyfriend is still here. No, I don't know where The Girlfriend is.
Mom and dad haven't noticed. Mom is going around the house to check if it needs cleaning and dad is making brunch while watching tv.
Filo is also watching tv and Raphtalia is doing something on her laptop in the kitchen beside me.
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
They could have their chance when mom comes back for breakfast tho ¯\_(◕ヮ◕)_/¯
Raphtalia
(@shieldssword)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
I am waiting for updates, while aslo watching this thing happens.
I love raccoons
(@raccoonlover777)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and shieldssword)
omg she's here!!! Hi Miss Raphtalia!!! @shieldssword
Raphtalia
(@shieldssword)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @raccoonlover777)
Hello! @raccoonlover777
I love raccoons
(@raccoonlover777)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and shieldssword)
AAAAHHHHHH!!! ❤️❤️❤️
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and shieldssword)
Raphtalia you're my favorite niece.
Raphtalia
(@shieldssword)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
You said the same thing to Filo when she brought you a half-eaten chocolate bar last night.
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and shieldssword)
Ok but in my defense it was my favroite brand.
Itsuki Kawasumi
(@thecardinalbow)
favorite*
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
OMG THE GIRLFRIEND IS HERE TOO
[A picture of a two-level shoe rack, neatly filled with multiple different sets of shoes (a pair of green-laced black boots, a pair of dark green converse, a pair of dark blue platform converse, a pair of leather dress shoes, a small set of yellow rainboots with a multitude of stickers, a pair of red classic red converse, a heeled set of leather boots, and a pair of black kitten heels. Two extra sets sit beside the rack; a pair of red, white and black sneakers with rainbow laces and a pair of powder blue doll heels.]
16 swords and a dead man's chest
(@amakiswordhero)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
Is the aesthetics in your family genetic or something?
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @amakiswordhero)
Emo.
16 swords and a dead man's chest
(@amakiswordhero)
(Replying to @cooleriwatan and @amakiswordhero)
You're infurating.
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
On that note, I still wonder how no one noticed the two new pairs of shows yet, because as you can see, they're very different styles and colors from the rest of the family.
ehehehehe
(@starcryptid)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
Hey um, so, quick question; are your parents homophobic?
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @starcryptid)
Weird question, but no. They're pretty much the definition of "A little confused but they got the spirit".
ehehehehe
(@starcryptid)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @starcryptid)
Sorry for the weird question! I was just kinda worried you were being serious about not wanting your parents to see Iwatani-Kun's boyfriend (and girlfriend?)!
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @starcryptid)
Alright then, but no. Honestly I'd be more worried if they /didn't/ know about L'Arc and Therese. But yeah, they're very accepting, they just prefer a heads-up if we're having guests over, especially when we're having Family Brunch.
Itsuki Kawasumi
(@thecardinalbow)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
And on that note, Ren and I will be there in about 30 minutes.
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @thecardinalbow)
Great! Maybe you'll be here in time to watch the drama unfold.
Cooler Best Bro
(@yeetthesadout)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
Bro, please invite me to Family Brunch next time there's this much drama, I need to see this live.
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @yeetthesadout)
I gotchu bro, check DMs
Cooler Best Bro
(@yeetthesadout)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @yeetthesadout)
BRO
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
Btw also I think my parents like their grandkids way more than their own kids, cause dad just told Raphtalia to go relax and watch some tv when she tried to help with brunch, and then 5 minutes later called me over to help instead.
(I'm writing this while watching the eggs)
cat'n't catch me
(fbi_fish)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
I mean, isn't it like a cardinal rule that grandparents have to spoil their grandchildren while the parents watch and complain about never having been treated like that?
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and fbi_fish)
I MEAN YEA
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
Update: It is now 10.30AM and I just heard two distinctively human THUMPs from upstairs when mom called to wake Nao, and I could hear him yell that he fell, and don't come in cause he's isn't dressed yet.
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
Classic excuse, but only works 50% of the time, so I'll give it a 6/10 because it worked this time AND he's successfully made mom believe he somehow fell twice in quick succession.
Spear Your Heart
(motomotolikesyou)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
Your domestic family drama is way more entertaining and way less stressful than any courtroom drama.Trust me, I've seen both.
Raphtalia
(@shieldssword)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
Filo wants to know when Therese and L'Arc will be here (◔◡◔)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @shieldssword)
I told her they'll be here Very Soon. ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @shieldssword)
I repeat my prior statement
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
Update 2: Mom has come down to help with brunch and has a plan for cleaning later. She assumed Raphtalia got a new pair of sneakers AND somehow reached the conclusion that Nao decided to get a pair of blue heels.
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
The tv in turned up loud enough for everyone to hear it in the kitchen, and Raphtalia has bravely gone to check whether Boyfriend or Girlfriend will take this orpprotunity. *Sigh* I love my nieces. Agents of chaos + adorable + dangerous.
bweh.
@llamalamp
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
I wish my nieces and nephews where that fun
baaah
@mochipretzel
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @llamalamp)
babe I think your nieces and nephews are that fun!
bweh.
@llamalamp
(Replying to @cooleriwatani, @llamalamp and @mochipretzel)
You're biased because they alwys help you prank me
baaah
@mochipretzel
(Replying to @cooleriwatani, @llamalamp and @mochipretzel)
yea you right
16 swords and a dead man's chest
@amakiswordhero
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
Ah yes, a fellow agent of chaos and silent drama
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @amakiswordhero)
Emo.
16 swords and a dead man's chest
@amakiswordhero
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @amakiswordhero)
fuck you?!
Raphtalia
@shielssword
They missed their chance.
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @shieldssword)
Dang.
Raphtalia
@shielssword
(Replying to @shieldssword and @cooleriwatani)
I did however make eyecontact with L'Arc when he rushed to the bathroom, and he immedietly resorted to bribery.
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @shieldssword and @cooleriwatani)
my brother's become a terrible influence on everyone
Spear Your Heart
(motomotolikesyou)
(Replying to @shieldssword and @cooleriwatani)
You still don't know the half of it.
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
Update 3: So, missed their chance while brunch was being prepared and everyone was downstaird. HOWEVER, L'Arc did successfully bribe Raphtalia into getting their shoes. Now sure how sneaky Therese can be with those heels tho.
chocolateCHOCOLATE
(@meatytech)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
Are you'r parent's really strict about this kinda stuf, or??
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @meatytech)
No, but mom isn't a big fan of us being sneaky after I had my Phase.And Nao doesn't want to get teased endlessly again, but that's already a failed goal.
chocolateCHOCOLATE
(@meatytech)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @meatytech)
oh danm
Raphtalia
(@shieldssword)
I can definetly hear a lot of moving around in Dad's room upstairs.
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @shieldssword)
Ohhh maybe they're on the move?
Raphtalia
(@shieldssword)
(Replying to @shieldssword and @cooleriwatani)
I think Therese just went to the bathroom
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @shieldssword and @cooleriwatani)
How tf is she sneaking around in thos heels? And all that jewelry? I thought I'd be hearing enough jingling to think christmas came early.
Raphtalia
(@shieldssword)
(Replying to @shieldssword and @cooleriwatani)
Mom can be surprisingly sneaky when she wants to be (´▽｀)
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @shieldssword and @cooleriwatani)
I'm so proud og myself for teaching you kaomojis *wipes tear*
Spear Your Heart
(@motomotolikesyou)
ALRIGHT EVERYONE WHO'RE YOU VOTING FOR?
- Fantasy Love That Defied All Love Triangles
- Chaotic Family Drama
[Photo of Naofumi, L'Arc and Therese on a large couch in a dark room lit by the tv off-shot. L'Arc is reclined against the armrest, arms gesturing as he talks while Naofumi lays between his legs, head on L'Arc's chest and titled back to look at L'Arc upside-down with a soft smile. Meanwhile, Therese lays on her front with her head on Naofumi's chest, between his legs, pointing at the tv screen as she talks with focused eyes. They're all wearing t-shirts and sweatpants, though it's obvious they've switched their t-shirts around by the differing sizes.]
[Photo of Kaito, with bleach blonde ends on his hair and Raphtalia at the stove in a large modern kitchen. Kaito is caught pointing mid-speech at the pan Raphtalia has in hand. She holds a spatula in her other hand and is looking very pointedly at the pancake batter in the pan. On the kitchen island behind them, Naofumi and Kaito's mother is making sandwitches on one cuttingboard, while their father is cutting frutis and vegetable snacks on a kuttingboard beside her.]
16 swords and a dead man's chest
@amakiswordhero
(Replying to @motomotolikesyou)
Naofumi stole my chips last week so I'm team chaotic family drama.
Itsuki Kawasumi
(thecardinalbow)
(Replying to @motomotolikesyou and amakiswordhero)
I'll have to say the same here.
Raphtalia
(@shielssword)
(Replying to motomotolikesyou)
Never let it be said I have no filial loyalty. I'm on dad's team.
DunDunDunnn
(@ihavenostats)
(Replying to motomotolikesyou)
Gotta go with the shield hero on this one. After all we've heard about his experience in that fantasy land, I think he needs to be a regular person and get to sneak his s/o's in and out like a movie teenager.
BamBamBammm
(@allthestats)
(Replying to @motomotolikesyou and @ihavenotstats)
I'm with you on this one babe, but I gotta admit, the other option is fucking hilarous.
ECHO Echo echo
(@taffypuffs765)
(Replying to @motomotolikesyou)
Ok but the Chaotic Family Drama Lovers is too funny to not pick tho
AO3 Is My Life
(@lunashrimp)
(Replying to @motomotolikesyou and @taffypuffs765)
OK BUT THE LOVERS TO DEFY ALL LOVE TRIANGLES THOugh! COME ONE! They could've done what every fuctional love triangle ever did, but instead they actually communicated and are now one of the most iconic throuples ever! AND they're getting into YA and High School Musical level shenanigans despite being adults and literal war veterans. They've got my vote 100%! ❤️🩵💚
Spear Your Heart
(@motomotolikesyou)
ALRIGHT EVERYONE WHO'RE YOU VOTING FOR?
- Fantasy Love That Defied All Love Triangles (73%)
- Chaotic Family Drama (27%)
Violets aren't blue‼️
(@hanahakifox)
(Replying to motomotolikesyou)
WOOOO THE LOVERS WIN!
*shrinks you*
(@shrimptail)
(Replying to motomotolikesyou)
Polyamory wins!!! ♾️🎉💃🌈
painting leaves is fun
(@greenfernsandtea)
(Replying to motomotolikesyou)
The Gay Agenda ✨✨✨🏳️🌈[Gif of a rainbow flag blowing in the wind in fronf of a cloudless blue sky]
bweh.
@llamalamp
(Replying to motomotolikesyou)
Romance wins
baaah
@mochipretzel
(Replying to @motomotolikesyou and @llamalamp)
babe im right here
AO3 Is My Life
(@lunashrimp)
(Replying to @motomotolikesyou)
This whole drama is gonna spike to many crack fics on ao3, it's gonna be hilarous!
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
Update 4: It's now 11AM, everyone is being called for Family Brunch, and L'Arc and Therese are still here. Raphtalia does, however, say that she's hearing shuffling from the back hallway.
So, their only options now are either use magic to jump out a window and hope not to get spotted or
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
WAIT I THINK THEYRE TAKING THE BACK EXIT AND GOING AROUND THE HOUSE THROUGH THE GARDEN! Genius plan, cause Nao just got called down for brunch and he's wearing Therese's sweater, so I'm curious as to what L'Arc and Therese are wearing.
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
I gotta put my phone down because no phones at the table during meals but I'll update after with the end results :]
Cooler Best Bro
(@yeetthesadout)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
BRO THIS IS AMAZING PLEASE KEEP GOING
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @yeetthesadout)
WAIT BRO NO DON'T LEAVE US LIKE THIS
Raphtalia
(@shieldssword)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
I heard the back door open so I assume they made it to the garden, and dad is acting like nothing's out of the ordinary.
Itsuki Kawasumi
(@thecardinalbow)
On another note, the Iwatanis are absolutely amazing cooks and I'm still surprised that not one of them are proffesional nor have opened a spot.
[A photo of a large wooden table with seating for 12 people nearly filled with delicious-looking mixed brunch foods, with plates laid out for 8 people, with all but 2 seats occupied, thought anythign above the chest is cut off.]
Spear Your Heart
(@motomotolikesyou)
We always assumed Naofumi's cooking was just That Good because of skills and such, and then we tasted his family's cooking and found it was genetic and the skills from the shield was more like adding a cherry on top of a 5-tiered cake.
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
OMFG THIS IS AMAZING
16 swords and a dead man's chest
(@amakiswordhero)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
I can't believe that actually happened. wtf is this
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @amakiswordhero)
Emo.
16 swords and a dead man's chest
(@amakiswordhero)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @amakiswordhero)
BITCH?!
Cooler Best Bro
(@yeetthesadout)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
BRO WHAT HAPPENED?!
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @yeetthesadout)
BRO JUST WAIT FOR THE UPDATE
Raphtalia
(@shieldssword)
My dad is certainly a person who definetly has two very unique partners.
(Replying to @shieldssword)
Filo's very excited though.
Spear Your Heart
(@motomotolikesyou)
Oh how I wish I could've joined Family Lunch today
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
OKAY SO! FINAL UPDATE THREAD:
The Boyfriend and The Girlfriend made their escape through the back door, into the garden, while Nao came down for breakfast. While the last things were being put on the table, the two snuck around the outside of the house, thought the garden and the creaky gate, before finally being free!
HOWEVER (1/?)
(@Replying to @cooleriwatani)
Mom, however, went to refill the water after filling everyone's glasses, and what does she see through the kitchen window? THE BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND!SO, she apparently goes to the front door to call them over, right after they finally made their daring escape, AND INVITES THEM INSIDE, ASSUMING THEY'D BEEN PRIORLY INVITED (they have a standing invite, but Family Brunch is an excplicit invite, and she assumed she must've forgotten in the clearning planning this morning) (2/?)
(@Replying to @cooleriwatani)
SHE ASKS THEM WHY THEY DIDN'T COME IN, because they'd been trying to leave by walking down the strees PAST THE HOUSE, and YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, THESE ABSOLUTE LIARS?Mom: Why'd you almost walk past? You've been here so many time before.
L'Arc: Oh, I guess we got lost in conversation? (Spoken like a questioning liar)
Mom: Really? What was this enthralling conversation about?
L'Arc: You eldest son, ma'am.
THIS SMOOTH BASTARD. Made Nao facepalm as well. (3/?)
(@Replying to @cooleriwatani)
Mom then goes back to refilling the water and get more plates, and therfore DOESN'T NOTICE THEIR SHOESSo, they come join us at the table, and everyone is waiting for mom and greeting them, and Nao looks like he lost his grip on life. BUT THEN. THEN!
Dad asks Therese where she got the hoodie she's wearing.
The hoodie, which is dad's old college hoodie, which mom gave to Nao. Which she's wearing. And dad did laundry yesterday. I saw Nao wearing that hoodie yesterday evening. He was wearing it at dinner. (4/?)
(@Replying to @cooleriwatani)
THEY CAME SO FAR. THEY ESCAPED TO FREEDOM FROM TEASING AND EMBARRASSMENT AND MOM'S LECTURES ABOUT TRANSPARANCY! ONLY TO BE FOILED BUT A HOODIE! (5/5)
Cooler Best Bro
(@yeetthesadout)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
BRO. HOW IS THIS YOUR LIFE
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani and @yeetthesadout)
IDK BRO
Spear Your Heart
(@motomotolikesyou)
(Replying to @cooleriwatani)
My God I'm gonna laugh so heard at them.
Dad who stepped up
(@bitcheshateme)
@cooleriwatani You're dead to me.
Cooler Best Bro
(@yeetthesadout)
(Replying to @bitcheshateme)
@cooleriwatani BRO RUN!
Croptops aren't armor
@cooleriwatani
(Replying to @bitcheshateme and @yeetthesadout)
BRO I CAN'T. FAMILY BRUNCH!
Cooler Best Bro
(@yeetthesadout)
(Replying to @bitcheshateme, @yeetthesadout and @cooleriwatani)
I'll remember you. You will be honored and remembered.
AO3 Is My Life
(@lunashrimp)
(Replying to @bitcheshateme, @yeetthesadout and @cooleriwatani)
Probably in the halls of AO3 Crack Fics
jingle jangle bangle
(@jewelenhtusiast)
I just wanted to wear my boyfriend's hoodie 〒▽〒 betrayed by the generational boyfriend hoodie.
I used to rule the world
(@larcsickle)
Kaito how could you
Croptops aren't armor
(@cooleriwatani)
(Replying to @larcsickle)
None of you are as slick as you think.
Itsuki Kawasumi
(@thecardinalbow)
(Replying to @larcsickle and @cooleriwatani)
Not even a little bit.
Spear Your Heart
(@motomotolikesyou)
(Replying to @larcsickle, @cooleriwatani and @thecardinalbow)
Alcoves in castle hallways aren't as hidden as you'd think.
Dad who stepped up
(@bitcheshateme)
@cooleriwatani I want you to know that Filo wanting to play The Untitled Goode Game with a friend is the only reason I'm not turning off the wifi and claiming that the router broke.