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The day had been horrible.
Nothing, not one thing, had gone right, at least in Nozue's biased recollection of events. He woke up with a back ache, his rice was undercooked, the train was five minutes late, and everyone in his department (himself included) seemed to leave their brain at home. He did his best not to take it out on others, but the result of that was all his negative emotion bubbling under the surface, begging to be released.
The bitter icing on top of the delightful cupcake? Togawa wasn't available for lunch.
About five minutes before he was about to head out, he received an unexpected phone call.
“A client arrived late for the meeting and we're not going to be done in time for lunch,” Nozue's only solace was that Togawa sounded as despondent as him, “I'm sorry.”
Nozue pinched the bridge of his nose, releasing all the tension in his shoulders with a sigh. It would do him no good to snap at Togawa for something out of his control, “It's fine. You have to do what you have to,” he looked around the hallway, sufficiently certain no one was around, “Just let yourself in with your spare key later. We can have dinner.”
He could hear Togawa suck in air on the other end of the line, like he did when he had a difficult question to ask, but none came, “...Alright. I'll see you then.”
After hanging up, Nozue held his phone against his forehead for a long moment, trying to gain the strength to face the day with the knowledge that he'll see Togawa later.
By the end of the day, Nozue's anger and frustration had simmered down into powerful exhaustion, a headache throbbing in his skull and labored, heavy footfalls carrying him home on autopilot.
He wanted it all to be over.
“I'm home,” he said perfunctorily, shutting the door behind him a little too forcefully. Immediately, his nostrils were hit with an intoxicatingly sweet smell. He kicked off his shoes, haphazardly tossed his bag onto the floor, and followed his nose into his own kitchen.
The sight he saw took his breath away.
Togawa, in a hoodie and sweatpants, stood in front of his stove, whisking something on the burner. His face was drawn in intense concentration, treating whatever he was making like he treated important stacks of paperwork at the office. Across his cheek there was a smudge of something, which upon closer inspection had to have been chocolate, and his foot was tapping an offbeat rhythm, carrying on to a tune inside his head.
Nozue had never thought his kitchen was so beautiful.
Staggering forward like a man possessed, he dragged himself to Togawa, placing his head on the man's back, muttering, “I'm home,” once again. A hand awkwardly reached around to stroke his hair, “Welcome home.”
Peeking around him, Nozue asked, voice rough from the stress of the day, “What are you doing?”
“Trying to make hot chocolate from scratch,” Togawa replied. He gave the whisk one more rotation around the pan before he was satisfied, turning the burner off and placing the utensil on a plate on the counter, “It's not as hard as it seems.”
He turned around to embrace Nozue properly, his strong arms and firm body sweet succor to Nozue, who let himself sag deeper against his boyfriend, “Why are you making it?”
Togawa kissed his forehead, speaking matter of factly, “I knew you were having a bad day.”
Nozue rested his chin on Togawa’s chest to look up at him, eyes half lidded, “How? I didn't say anything.”
“You sounded like you wanted to snap your phone in half when I called you.”
“Was I that obvious from one phone call?” he bemoaned, burying his face in the fabric of Togawa's hoodie. It smelled so much like home, “I was trying not to be.”
Togawa gently extricated Nozue from him, turning to the pot and picking up the handle with a nearby potholder (handmade, they had bought it from a local crafts fair they visited not too long ago). Carefully, he poured his mixture- a velvety brown liquid with a thickly sweet aroma- into a mug (Nozue's favorite, they bought it from a local artisan shop on a date) on the counter, “You don't have to hide it from me.”
He gently placed the mug into Nozue's waiting hands, caressing his fingers once the transfer had been completed. The warm ceramic and gentle skin to skin contact made Nozue want to weep, “I want to hear about your bad days as well good ones.”
“Togawa, I-” overcome with emotion, Nozue brought the cup up to his lips, shuddering with anticipation as he took his first sip. The taste was rich and creamy, sliding down his throat with ease. He'd had hot chocolate before, both cheap and fancy, plain and boutique, but this? This was the best he'd ever have. Nozue took another gulp, disregarding the temperature. When he spoke, he tried to put as much sincerity into his tone as he was able, “Thank you.”
“Of course,” Togawa replied with a small, adorable smile. He always looked so pleased when Nozue accepted his endless kindness. What could he be getting out of taking care of a handful like Nozue? “Finish that, and I'll run a bath for you.”
“But I have to make dinner-” Nozue weakly protested. Togawa shook his head, “I ordered in when you texted me you were on your way.”
With that, Togawa corralled him into the living room with light, but insistent, pressure, sitting him on the couch with little resistance. He followed him down, kneeling in front of Nozue to wrangle him out of his suit jacket. Placing the mug on the coffee table, Nozue allowed it to happen, too tired to fight against it. Once his jacket was off, Togawa moved onto his tie, untucking it from Nozue’s vest before undoing the knot quickly and practiced ease. Lastly was his vest, and watching Togawa deliberately undo each button one by one made Nozue feel cared for in a way he couldn’t describe.
“There,” Togawa announced proudly, patting Nozue’s stomach, “You sit here, drink your hot chocolate, and I’ll run the bath.”
Nozue felt a wave of guilt overtake him, and he tried to rise, but was pushed back with ease, “I can’t just sit here and let you...”
Togawa stood, looking cheeky yet ever so fond, crossing his arms decisively, “You’re not my boss anymore. I can decide what I can and can’t do, and I want to do this. Don’t move from this spot.”
It was hard to argue with Togawa when he spoke like that. And Nozue knew that, truly, he didn’t want to.
After a quick, ruthlessly efficient shower, Nozue slipped into the bath Togawa had drawn for him.
It was the exact temperature he preferred, and was scented with a strawberry bath salt that they had impulsively bought one day last month. He’d always looked at those “self care” store displays with longing, and the sharp eyed Togawa caught him doing so, dragging him inside the store with nary an acknowledgement of his protests. The clerk had been a lovely woman, walking them through the product lineup with consummate professionalism. Still embarrassed, Nozue had chosen this scent under the pressure of Togawa’s knowing stare, just grabbing the first packaging he saw with characters he recognized.
He couldn’t deny how happy he was with the purchase.
The smell of strawberries reminded him of café dates with Togawa, of pancakes and cupcakes and every other manner of sweet treat, all topped with that vividly red fruit. Togawa was more adventurous with his choices, usually ordering whatever the establishment’s speciality was, but Nozue always fell victim to the allure of the delicious strawberry.
There was a knock on the door, “Can I come in?”
“Sure,” he called out, and Togawa entered the room with a fresh towel and a set of pajamas, laying it on the counter before making his way over to the tub. He pulled the shower stool towards him, and sat down.
“Does the water feel nice?” Togawa inquired, dipping the tips of his fingers in experimentally, “I didn’t know how much of the salt you usually use.”
“It’s just right,” Nozue honestly assured him, letting his head fall back against the rim of the tub. It should have, perhaps, felt silly for him to be naked in the bath while the fully clothed Togawa sat beside him. But it didn’t, not in the slightest. The saccharine smell surrounding him and Togawa’s calming presence made him close his eyes, “I’ve never been so happy to have a bath.”
Nozue could feel Togawa’s hand travel closer through the ripples in the water, landing on his shoulder. He could feel it begin to massage the muscle there, and oh, it turns out he needed that like he needed air to breathe, “I’m glad. Want to tell me about today?
Not really, no. Nozue’s first instinct was to run from the source of suffering, to put it behind him and throw away the key. Among the many things being with Togawa had taught him was that mentality was going to stymie you in the long run. It might make you feel better in the here and now, but you’d suffer direly later.
Sighing, he opened his eyes, gazing at the ceiling absently, “Honestly, nothing in particular happened. I just woke up feeling like the world was against me, and never got my footing,” he rolled his head to the side, smiling apologetically, “You went through all this effort when I was just grumpy for no reason. I’m sorry.”
The hand on his shoulder pressed firmly against a particularly tight muscle, and he reflexively groaned in satisfaction.
“None of that,” Togawa chastised him lovingly, jaw set in a pout. Nozue knew it was the wrong reaction to have, but Togawa always looked so cute when he was cross with him, “That probably means you’ve been ignoring built up stress and your body just couldn’t handle it anymore.”
The chances of that being true were... uncomfortably high. Mind clear from the fog of this morning, he could pinpoint several instances throughout the prior week where small things had gone wrong, but he’d shelved his reaction to them for later.
“I can tell I’m right by the look on your face. Do you not trust me?” Togawa trailed his hand up Nozue’s neck, soft palm just loosely laying against his skin. Nozue’s pulse quickened, frowning, “Of course I do.”
“Then tell me about your problems before it gets to this point.”
That hurt.
It was difficult, at times, to accept the depth of Togawa’s feelings for him. To accept that someone so special and wonderful wanted to accept all the ugly sides of Nozue- all his complaints and worries and insecurities. He bit his lip, sinking down into the water so it covered his chin.
“I’m going to say something, and you can’t laugh.”
Togawa nodded solemnly, “I promise.”
Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Nozue began, “I get worried sometimes that you fell in love with the version of me that used to be your boss. The one who always knew what to say and tried to be calm and level headed at all times. So it’s hard to admit when I’m feeling upset over petty things...”
To his credit, Togawa made an admirable attempt at keeping his word, suppressing his laugh with a sly smile. Nozue grimaced, splashing some water at him, which the man took in stride, “I do love that side of you. I felt like I could rely on you for anything, still do. But that’s not the only side of you I love. Remember the incident over the text?”
A deep shame for him.
“Don’t remind me.”
“Too bad, I am. I love the Nozue who worried himself sick when he thought I didn’t reply to him,” Togawa leaned in to place an achingly tender kiss on Nozue’s damp forehead, “And the one who was too scared to go into a pancake shop by himself. Would I still be here if all that wasn’t perfect to me as well?”
Nozue puffed his cheeks full of air, but let it out with resignation. Togawa was always one step ahead of him.
“Your compliments sound like insults.”
“Trust me, I mean nothing but good things,” Togawa poked his nose, but was briefly distracted by a notification on his phone, “Dinner will be here soon.”
The water was rapidly cooling anyway, so Nozue nodded, “I’ll be out soon.”
“Take as long as you need.”
As he watched him go, Nozue’s heart rapidly drowned in every emotion it could handle. He’d always known he was so incredibly lucky that a man like Togawa deigned to spend his energy on him, but it was never more clear to him that now that he had to treasure that devotion and return it in kind.
“Why?”
“I’m not a baby.”
“I’m not calling you a baby-”
“You can’t feed me my entire dinner,” Nozue accusatorily pointed his chopsticks at a sulking Togawa across the table. This argument had now gone on for at least five minutes, neither man willing to budge, “I have a little bit of pride.”
“Pride has nothing to do with it,” Togawa took a petulant bite of his own meal, hamster cheeks at odds with his furrowed brows, “It wouldn’t kill you.”
Nozue kicked his shin lightly, “Don’t talk with your mouth full. Why do you want to feed me so badly?”
Swallowing his gargantuan mouthful, Togawa set his shoulders, “The idea just makes me happy.”
It was a juvenile reasoning, but something about its simplicity struck a chord with Nozue; Togawa, once they began dating, was so straightforward with his desires and wants. Even when they were silly or embarrassing or irregular.
Sighing, he put his chopsticks down, forcing himself to look into Togawa’s eyes despite his hot cheeks, “Not the whole meal.”
The way Togawa's eye lit up dampened the immediate regret he felt upon opening his mouth to receive the first bite. Togawa has fed him here and there, but that was always just a quick taste of what the man himself was having. This was slow, deliberate, intimate. He chewed slowly, feeling shy under the adoring scrutiny he was under.
“You're an odd one, Togawa,” he swallowed, wiping his bottom lip. Togawa took it as praise.
“I just know what I like. Which is you.”
“I don't deserve you,” Nozue said abruptly. Being told that so plainly by such an idyllically handsome man...
Togawa gathered a good helping of noodles on the chopsticks, holding them out with purpose, “Yes, you do. Even if you didn't, I love you anyway. Now open wide.”
“Togawa...” Nozue made a decision then and there. Maybe he didn't deserve Togawa now, but one day, he would. He would work to see himself the same way his boyfriend did, and make sure all this love didn't go to waste. When he leaned forward to take the food into his mouth, he did it with intentional, teasing, sensuality, “You know, I also know what I like.”
Togawa’s Adam's apple bobbed with interest.
Maybe nothing during Nozue’s day went right for him, but he could ensure his night went much, much better.•