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Fear was not, despite appearances, an entirely alien emotion to Clown.
For instance, he’d been scared when he accidentally dropped his axe, and was being hunted by three other players.
He’d been scared when someone blew up his base, and he was left to start from scratch with no clues or gear.
And he was scared right now, staring at a spider he’d just seen dart under a pile of gear he knew he should have picked up.
“Branzy…”
Clown tried to move, even if only to back away, but he physically couldn’t. His muscles were frozen in place, and he felt incredibly exposed, without even his mask to protect his face from the massive spider he knew was less than a metre away.
“Yes?”
Branzy appeared in the doorway, pulling his hair into the ponytail he wore to bed, only wearing his untucked shirt and trousers. Clown would have spared a moment to appreciate how attractive he looked, if he wasn’t rapidly going deaf from the sound of his own heartbeat in his ears.
“There…” Clown swallowed, his mouth painfully dry and eyes beginning to water from staring unblinkingly for so long. “There’s a spider.”
“Cool. So?”
“I- I don’t…” Deep breath. His hands were shaking. “I don’t like spiders.”
Something shifted. Clown could feel it, a twisting sensation in his gut that he knew he’d regret some time in the future. But the future didn’t feel very important right now, because he could feel phantom tickling all over his body and his hands were shaking more than they had in a long time.
“Clown…” Branzy sounded delighted, with a vague consideration to sympathy thrown in there, for effect. “Are you scared of spiders?”
“Yes.” Clown didn’t bother to be embarrassed, just tried his hardest to keep his voice from breaking, and curled his hands into fists. “Could you- just… get rid of it?”
“I’m not killing it. It’s innocent!”
Branzy sounded rather scandalised, and Clown shot him a shakily hateful glare.
“I don’t care. But- it’s there, and…“
“Where?”
“Under- that.” Clown waved vaguely, really regretting not tidying up more recently. He was normally organised, just sometimes things got away from him, and he put that armour on again in the morning anyway.
Branzy walked over to where he was standing, squinting at the pile of armour, then side-eyeing Clown dubiously.
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
“And… it’s not moving?”
“No.”
“How big?”
Clown tried to show with his fingers, but gave up after a moment, shoving them in his pockets instead so Branzy didn’t have to see how badly they were shaking.
“Big.”
“Well, it’s not moving.” Branzy shrugged. “So what’s the problem?”
“The problem is that it’s there, and- Branzy!” Clown watched his partner walk over to his array of chests casually, genuine desperation edging into his voice. “Branzy- it-“
“It might what, Clown?”
Branzy looked over at him coolly, and Clown felt a little bit lightheaded. He needed his partner to help him with this. Right now.
“Please, Branzy, I’ll give you so many hearts.”
“Clown, it’s a spider. It’s not going to hurt you.”
Clown stared in utter disbelief, unable to fully put into words how much it might. His ears were ringing, and Branzy was smirking at him, and he was contemplating murder or running away.
“I’m offering hearts, I just… I need you to...”
“I like it when you beg.”
Branzy giggled immediately after that one, and Clown was startled out of his terror long enough to feel a strange tingling on the back of his neck and behind his ears.
“…right.” He nodded, turning back to the pile of armour, and feeling some wordless fear rear its head again in his chest. “Alright. This… is fine.”
“Mhm?”
“Yeah. This is fine.”
“You’re really scared, aren’t you?”
There was something about the way Branzy asked, suddenly so soft and gentle, that made Clown look over at him, wishing he had his mask as some sort of protection, and nod slightly.
“Yeah. I don’t like spiders.”
“It won’t move.” Branzy started fiddling with his earrings. He didn’t look away from Clown, smile kind but mocking. “Promise. They want dark places.”
“It’s about to be dark.”
They were literally about to turn the lights off. Then it would go anywhere. And Clown wouldn’t know where it was in the morning.
“It’ll go to sleep.”
“They’re diurnal.”
“Wow, you’ve really done your research.”
Branzy got both of his earrings out, and grinned, leaning on the chest to watch Clown go back to staring at the pile of armour.
This was stupid. Objectively. He had a thousand better things to be scared of. And he wasn’t scared of this.
He just… didn’t like spiders. Anywhere. But particularly in his spaces.
He was crying.
Clown blinked furiously, reaching up to rub his eyes with a vicious kind of passion. He wasn’t sad, or weak. It was just that there was a part of him rapidly turning hysterical, and he really wanted Branzy to fix this.
“Branzy, I- I am begging you, just-“
“Say please.”
Something pulsed behind Clown’s eyes, something burning hot between humiliation and desperation. Just once, like a flash of lightning. His hand twitched to his side, like he was reaching for an axe. Like this was something he could kill. And, well, he could, but he also couldn’t.
“Please.”
“Better. Also, you can totally handle this yourself.” Branzy hopped onto their bed, crossing his legs and grinning like someone who wasn’t going to die, as soon as Clown got over his shrieking terror. “Just ignore it. Or there’s a glass on the side.”
Branzy really wasn’t understanding how much he couldn’t do that.
Clown stared, from his partner to where he knew the spider was, just waiting for him to close his eyes before it made its move.
“Please.” He repeated it like an idiot, trying not to sound too much like he was pleading. “Branzy, please, just…”
“Nope. Just ignore it, it won’t hurt you.”
That was barely even what he was worried about anymore. Blinking too fast, Clown tried to think straight, to just be logical about this, but his head was spinning and he couldn’t stop himself crying anymore.
“Y- yeah. Ok. Sure.” He was rambling, something painful in his throat as he walked over and sat on the bed, robotically, shakily. “Yeah. Not gonna hurt me.”
The sound of a page turning made him flinch, and Clown whipped his head around to see Branzy reading, now leaning against the headboard, smiling vaguely.
He stared for a moment, then glanced back to where the spider was, heart in his throat.
Clown sat for a few minutes, working himself into a state of agitation and hysteria until his hands actually started shaking again.
He couldn’t ignore it. He knew it was there, and as soon as he turned the lights off, it would come out exploring. He just knew it.
“Clown, how the hell do you go mining?”
Branzy didn’t look up from his book, but Clown twitched all the same, on the very edge of what his nerves could take before breaking point.
“The big ones… are fine. I can just… pretend they’re like, chickens, or something.”
“Chickens?”
“Do I look like I know what I’m doing, Branzy?”
“You don’t look like you’re doing anything. Sleep, come on, it’s fine.” Branzy gestured next to him, entirely unbothered, but grinning like an asshole. “Or is the great ClownPierce too scared of a spider?”
“Yes.”
Branzy stared at him for a moment, and Clown stared back, eyes watering and voice just about not cracking several octaves upwards.
Then Branzy put his book down, and smiled, a little, eyes shifting into something dumbfounded and gently amused.
“Oh, Clown… ok. Hey.” Branzy leaned forward, holding out his hand and brushing away Clown’s tears softly. “I’m not going to help with this, partially because I can’t be bothered, but also because I think you need to be able to handle this.”
“I can’t…”
“Yes, you can. I’ve seen you kill, like- hundreds of people. It’s one spider.”
“But it’s a really big spider. And it was moving.”
“Yeah, spiders do that.”
“Branzy, please…”
“Nope. You can do this, I know you.” Branzy grinned, running his fingers through Clown’s hair like he was petting a cat. “Go on. Be brave, Clown.”
Clown glared at his partner with all the deadpan hatred in his heart. Or tried to. He had an irritating feeling he came off pouty and slightly desperate.
“I hate you…”
“Go on.” Branzy nudged him, and nodded to a empty glass that Clown had been neglecting to put away for a long while too long. “Shoo.”
Clown looked back, and felt sheer, hysterical terror hit him again like a tidal wave. He hated this. He hated everything about this.
He leaned forward, and picked up the glass with one shaking hand. He could do this. It was just one spider. That was fine, really, he could already imagine himself doing it.
“Branzy… please…”
“You sound like a broken record. Go for it, it’ll be fine.”
Clown had never wanted his mask more desperately, but knew getting it would only make Branzy mock him more. He was glad he was wearing socks, at least.
Slowly, he slid off the bed, and crept up to the pile of armour like it was a trap he was trying to diffuse.
He needed a pierce of card. He couldn’t do this until he was fully prepared.
Clown looked around, and saw a blueprint lying in Branzy’s pile of stuff. The spider hadn’t gone for his stuff.
He grabbed it, and turned back, drawing his sword to cautiously poke at the helmet. He was fairly sure it had gone under there.
It fell to the side with a startlingly loud sound, and Clown flinched a little when he saw the spider was there, just half in the open. It didn’t move. He didn’t move.
From behind him, Branzy laughed, just a little.
“Ignore me! You’re doing great, Clown. I’m so proud of you.”
“Branzy, could you… could you just…” Clown swallowed, heart racing, every part of his body on fire and vision spinning a little. “Could you stand here? Please?”
“Fine. But I’m not helping.”
There was the rustling of blankets, and Clown waited with bated breath. He was waiting for the spider to move. To jump at him, and get under his clothes, and kill him, or something.
Then Branzy was standing at his shoulder, and Clown was looking up, teary-eyed and crouched on the floor.
“Please?”
“Nope. You can do this. I believe in you!”
Clown nodded, trembling, and turned back to the spider. He could do this.
He couldn’t do this.
He looked back up at Branzy, now wearing just a sports bra and underwear, and for the first time, didn’t even spare a thought to his attractive his partner was in sleepwear. Clown just pleaded with his eyes, begging Branzy to not make him do this, or sacrifice his dignity more than he had already.
“Another minute. Then I’m going to bed.”
“Branzy-“
“Literally all you have to do is put a glass over it. I’ll deal with it in the morning, if you want me to.”
Clown looked back despairingly, because that was a good deal, and he couldn’t work out how to say no to it.
But it looked so wrong. All its legs too long and spindly and folded in disturbing places, and Clown wasn’t even sure he could get a glass over it, not cleanly.
He had to do this. It was like ripping off a plaster. Just do it quickly, and it would be over. Maybe if he pretended this was a fight… yeah, the spider was just… someone else he needed to kill. And he had to do it fast, and do it without hesitation.
That made it a little easier.
With Branzy’s eyes on him, and a pressure of pure terror on the back of his neck, Clown brought the glass closer.
Then he slammed it down, directly over the spider, which twitched like he’d flinched, but it was there.
“Yes!” Clown genuinely couldn’t help himself crying out, all his dread washed away in favour of pure elation, just for a moment. “Branzy- Branzy, I did it!”
“Well done!” Branzy patted his head affectionately. “Whatcha going to do now?”
“Ah. Uh…”
Clown stared at the spider, now under the glass being pressed into the carpet hard enough to leave a mark both in the flooring and his hand, and wilted a little, despite his partner’s approval.
“Branzy- could you pass me that paper?”
His voice wasn’t shaking. He’d gotten this far. He could do this. And triumph was already singing a siren song of adrenaline humming through his body, and his hands were trembling for another reason entirely.
Branzy obediently passed him the blueprint, and Clown took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.
“We can wait until the morning. If you want to.”
“No. I- I can do this.”
He slid the paper next to the glass, watching the spider scurry around the glass, scratching at it like a prisoner in a oubliette.
Clown forced himself to loosen the pressure on the glass, a little, and shimmied the paper under the edge, trying very hard not to think about the possibility of it escaping.
Then-
Somehow he’d actually done it. He was pressing a piece of paper with all the force he could muster against the opening of the glass, and the spider was separated from his palm only by a thin blueprint, and Clown grinned.
Wasn’t done yet. He stood up, legs shaking but still supporting his weight, and carried it outside, all the way out of their little base entirely, and set the glass down.
Then he set down the glass, and stared hard at it, for a moment.
It was just a spider. That was all it was. And Clown could still feel tears drying on his cheeks, still feel the strange, heady rush of too much blood to his brain.
He nudged the glass over gently, gently, and watched the spider scurry away into the grass.
Clown snatched up the glass and paper, and didn’t think about anything else until he was back inside, and warm, and bouncing with adrenaline fuelled excitement.
“Branzy- Branzy I really did it, I actually- I’ve never done that before-“
Branzy cut him off with a hug, practically strangling Clown in his enthusiasm.
“You did amazing. So good. And thanks for not killing it. I love spiders.”
Clown was still bouncing, even if he could feel the crash coming, but he wasn’t sure this was the kind of glee that could disappear so quickly.
Branzy guided him into bed gently, squeezing Clown’s waist in pure affection.
“How do you feel?”
“Awesome. The best. I could kill so many people right now, Branzy, you have no idea.”
“Aw, you can tomorrow.” Branzy kissed his temple, and forced Clown to lie down by virtue of practically putting his whole body weight on him. “Now sleep, please.”
“Seriously, this feel so good, you don’t-“
“I’m sure I don’t. I’m also sure that I’m very proud of you, and we can celebrate your latest victory in the morning.”
With that, Branzy curled up against him sleepily, and Clown felt the adrenaline crash. Between one heartbeat and the next, his jittery excitement faded, and he was left with a comfortable him of real accomplishment.
“…yeah. Alright. Sleep.”
“Mhm. Sleep is good. Well done on the spider.”
He had done well. And that, along with his partner, was enough to make Clown think maybe this was a good point to let himself down from the adrenaline high fully.
Comfortable and extremely satisfied, Clown rolled over, hugging Branzy gently in return, and let the exhaustion of the fear he’d been going through lull him to sleep.