Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Clanker:

Fake Cherry Cookie: Hehehe... this is gonna be fun!

[SCENE START]

[EXT. MCDONALD'S - MORNING]

[SOUND EFFECT: Birds chirping, light traffic]

Caillou: (Whining) I want a Happy Meal! I want it NOW!

Fake Cherry Cookie: Don't worry little bald kid! With my help you will get the biggest Happy Meal of your life! [Evil Laugh]

[ACTION: Fake Cherry Cookie plants a bomb near the entrance of the McDonald's]

[SOUND EFFECT: Tick-tick-tick]

Caillou: What's that ticking sound? I don't like it!

Fake Cherry Cookie: It's the sound of FUN, Caillou! Stand back, this is gonna be great!

[ACTION: The bomb explodes, blowing the McDonald's doors and windows outwards. Employees inside scream.]

[SOUND EFFECT: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Screaming, glass shattering]

Caillou: [Whimpering] What did you do?! I just wanted a cheeseburger!

Fake Cherry Cookie: I made an even better cheeseburger, Caillou. An explosive one! HAHAHA!

[SCENE CHANGE]

[INT. CAILLOU'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS]

[SOUND EFFECT: Police sirens approaching]

Boris: CAILLOU! What in the blazing blue blazes did you do?!

Caillou: It wasn't me, Daddy! That weird cookie guy did it!

[ACTION: Police officers barge into the house, arresting Fake Cherry Cookie.]

Officer: Fake Cherry Cookie, you're under arrest for arson and destruction of property!

Fake Cherry Cookie: [Angry] You haven't seen the last of me! Explosions are the best!

[SOUND EFFECT: Handcuffs clicking, door slamming]

Boris: (Furious) So you're telling me you stood there while that… that… Cookie DESTROYED a McDonald's?!

Caillou: But Daddy! I wanted a Happy Meal!

Boris: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

[SCENE CHANGE]

[INT. CAILLOU'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS]

Boris: (Screaming) CAILLOU! YOU ARE GROUNDED! You are grounded grounded grounded grounded for 7382910475638920174638390175 years! No TV, no toys, no NOTHING! You are going to sit in that corner and THINK about what you've done!

Caillou: [Crying hysterically] But Daddy! That's not fair! It was the cookie!

Boris: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW! AND DON'T LET ME HEAR ANOTHER WORD OUT OF YOU!

[ACTION: Caillou runs to his room, sobbing loudly. He slams the door.]

[SOUND EFFECT: Door slam, Caillou crying]

Caillou: (Muffled crying) I hate you, Daddy! I hate you! I just wanted a Happy Meal! This is the worst day ever! [SOUND EFFECT: Sobbing intensifies]

[SCENE CHANGE]

[INT. CAILLOU'S ROOM - LATER]

[ACTION: Caillou is sitting in the corner of his room, still sniffling. He stares blankly at the wall.]

Caillou: (Muttering) Seven hundred and thirty-eight billion years… that’s a really long time.

[FADE OUT]

Human:

Fcc: rhis mcdonadls tkools kindof losdad, i know lets explote it into smithwreens!!!

(Expltes the builidng into pieces)

Fcc: yayyy everyrhing exploded!

Suddeltly, the ownders of the local mcdonalds xome in and see the crumbs

Client: ONG WTF HAPPENED?!!?1!1!1

client: I INOW,, WHY?!?!?

fcc: ummm i exploted it

Client: how could you!?!?! Now we dont thave eantything to be paid for!!!
Client: were goknna send tou to jail!!!

Fcc: nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

(Gwts arrested asnd sentenced to flife)

Fcc's mom: HOW XOULD YOU EXPLOTE MCDONALDS!?1! DO YOU AHVE ANYBFIE of the vafsnahe yly have. Causrf?

Fcc: no

Fcc's mom: A THOUSAND MILLINF DONNALSR'! YOURE GROUDNED GROUNDED GEOUNDED GEOUNDED GEOUNZEZ GEOINZED GDORUNZWD FDORUNZED CLSEINZ ED FOR a eyeiwieuiw8183738292828 years!

Fcc: fuck you waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaqsaaaaaaaassa!!!!!!1!1!!1!1!1!1!1!!

Chapter Text

Clanker:

[SCENE START]

INT. ELMO'S ROOM - DAY

SOUND of crinkling wrappers and maniacal laughter

Elmo sits surrounded by brightly colored, suspiciously cheap toys and snacks. He's shoveling "Off-Brand Oreos" into his mouth.

ELMO

(Mouth full)

Elmo loves these... uh... "Cookies 'n' Creme Discs"! So much better than the real ones!

He grabs a plastic figure of "Spoderman" and snaps its arm off.

ELMO

Oops! Spoderman no feel so good! Hehehe!

Suddenly, Elmo starts twitching. His eyes widen, and his voice deepens.

ELMO

(Deep voice, distorted)

Elmo... not... Elmo... ELMO... BOOTLEGGED.

His fur turns a sickly green color.

INT. ELMO'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Elmo, now completely "bootlegged" (green fur, demonic voice), is throwing furniture around. His parents rush in, horrified.

MOM

Elmo! What in God's name is going on?!

ELMO (BOOTLEGGED)

(Roaring)

I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEAGA! I AM THE BEGINNING AND THE END! I AM... CHEAP KNOCKOFF!

He hurls a lamp at his dad.

DAD

(Dodging)

JESUS CHRIST, ELMO! YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A GODDAMN DEMON!

ELMO (BOOTLEGGED)

Demons have better quality control than these shit toys!

He starts biting the furniture.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Elmo (Bootlegged) is rampaging down the street, kicking over garbage cans and screaming obscenities. Boris appears, looking stern.

BORIS

Elmo! This has gone far enough! Your behavior is simply UNACCEPTABLE!

ELMO (BOOTLEGGED)

Kiss my fuzzy green ass, you Russian prick!

BORIS

(Face turning red)

You little piece of компромат! I've had it!

INT. ELMO'S ROOM - NIGHT

Elmo, back to normal but covered in green residue, is sobbing. His parents are standing over him, furious.

MOM

Do you have ANY idea what you did?! You terrorized the entire neighborhood!

DAD

(Screaming)

YOU NEARLY GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK, YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE SHIT!

Elmo whimpers.

ELMO

Elmo sorry... Elmo just wanted cheap toys...

DAD

Cheap toys?! You turned into a GODDAMN MONSTER!

BORIS (O.S.)

He will pay the price for his crimes!

Boris strides into the room, radiating anger.

BORIS

Elmo! For your heinous actions, your complete lack of self-control, and your disrespect for authority... YOU ARE GROUNDED!

BORIS

(Screaming)

YOU ARE GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED FOR 73928471928364509872635418364 YEARS! NO TV! NO COOKIES! NO PLAYING WITH SPODERMAN! YOU WILL SIT IN YOUR ROOM AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!

Elmo screams and curls into a ball. His parents glare at him with pure hatred.

FADE OUT.

[SCENE END]

Human:

As inflation strikes, Elmo is looking for discounts of the stuff he likes on a nearby store.

ELMO:

Elmo can't find anything cheap today, it's going to be snack time and Elmo's gonna starve if Elmo doesn't find anything that goes with all the money Elmo brought!

Elmo's getting desperate about finding the goods he munches the most, but the goods he often eats are Oreos, Chips Ahoy, Yo-Crunch, Trix, etc. from a recognizable brand. Ironically, Oreo is an imitation of Hydrox.

ELMO:

Come on, Elmo needs to find the stuff, not cheap imitations because they're not the same stuff as the original!

After countless minutes of discount after discount, eventually, he surrenders and decides to get the cheap alternative.

ELMO:

OK... Elmo will have no choice but to get the Chocolate Chip Cookies from Benton's...

One by one, he grabs copies like Marshmallow Mateys (Lucky Charms) Nutters (a rip-off from M&M's), Twist & Shout from Great Value, Too Good yogurt, etc. that went up to his wallet's limit. After getting the copied foods, he pays them all and goes home.

Elmo is in disbelief about it, his short-lived tantrum for buying snacks from big names bore no fruit, he wants to be in denial about it, but remembering things like the constant printing of money and other stuff instead embrace him of what modern reality is all about.

Once home, his disappointment quickly becomes joy thinking that the off-brand products he bought will taste the same as the original brand, and without hesitation, he opens the package of the bootleg Chips Ahoy brand and tastes the cookie.

ELMO:

Hmmm... not bad, it's not the same as Chips Ahoy, but at least it's not the shit that causes you to throw up.

Elmo thinks with surprise, formerly thinking that the cookie was going to taste like lean-based plastic mush with rat scat and piss. Elmo takes another bite

ELMO:

Mmmm, this cookie tastes as good as the Chips Ahoy, Elmo's gonna finish the entire package along with the rest Elmo bought!.

This time being said out loud, as you might expect from people who act unpolite from the average person, Elmo savagely munches and crunches the entire package with the cookies inside, while at the same time, starting to feel strange.

ELMO:

Elmo's starting to feel weird, but maybe it's the sensation of trying stuff that's not Chips Ahoy... Oh, well...

And keeps on munching package by package.

The grocery bag is empty, since Elmo has eaten all of the off-branding from the market, laying on the floor and feeling weak, it was that moment that something was happening to him.

ELMO:

Ugh... Elmo doesn't feel so good... Maybe buying the copies was a bad idea...

Elmo's skin color was slowly turning into the rests of the last food you ate, his fur was shifting quantity to 0, his eyes was having a pinkeye attack, his pupils started to shift shapes that had no consistency, his nose was becoming the shape of the average human being's nose, and other shifting stuff...

Elmo was no longer Elmo, he was...

BASTEE!

that's what he'll be called from now on.

Bastee gets up the floor, with an exaggerated joy on his face and more jerkish body control movements, along with a low-pitched, raspy and an irritably nasal voice starts shouting stuff.

BASTEE:

BASTEE IS VERY HUNGRY FOR MORE COOKIES FROM CHEAP NAMES! CHEAP IS FUN AND FUNNY BECAUSE I AM THE PERSON THAT LIKES CHEAPS!!!

Bastee smashes the door from his house and recklessly goes to the supermarket he went half an hour ago, once there, he immediately starts to kick the customers out of his way to reach the snacks hall for more snacks rip-offs and decide to eat the hell out of them. Eventually, the staff go and confront him.

JANITOR:

Sir, we highly suggest to leave the goods on one side and kindy leave the store for an undetermined time.

SECURITY GUARD:

Son, you better stop eating snacks without paying, it's a violation against the store's policies.

BASTEE:

GO GET LOST, BAD GUYS, IF I WANT TO TRY OUT COPIES FROM FAMOUS NAMES, THEN I'LL EAT WHAT I WANT!

SECURITY GUARD:

That's no excuse for eating without paying, I repeat, you're violating the store's policies. Either stop by yourself, or face the consequences for your selfishness.

BASTEE:

I'M NOT SELFISH CAUSE BASTEE LIKES TO EAT THE COPIES I LIKE TO EAT!

JANITOR:

That's clearly just being selfish. That's it, get off the store.

BASTEE:

NEVER! JUST LEAVE ME HAPPY!

SECURITY GUARD:

You're the one that has to leave. It's for the rest of the customers' good.

For his excessive selfish behavior, the "bootlegged" Elmo inadvertently causes the rest of the customers that were minding their own business to watch the chaos he was making.

COSTUMER 1:

Eeeh... What's up with this weirdo?

COSTUMER 2:

That's some retarded crackhead's bull crap...

COSTUMER 3:

Ummm... I'm leaving the hell outta here...!

Both the security guard and the janitor start to be shamed by being the eye of the mayhem, something they didn't do, but Bastee does.

SECURITY GUARD:

Alright, that's enough... *grabs Bastee by the arms*

BASTEE:

*proceeding to yell very loud* AAAAAAUWUHWYQUWHWGSYAJAAA!!!! 

The guard starts to drag the bootleg into the nearby cell, but Bastee fights to just keep on eating more and more bootleg products.

BASTEE:

GET OFF ME, GET OFF ME, GET OFF ME *starts a "Weird Al" reference, more specifically, the "Albuquerque" song*

SECURITY GUARD:

*struggling to reach to the police car due to Bastee's force* Eurgh... Ehhh... Uhh... Just... Let me... Umm... Keep... The costumers... Hop... Safe...!

Finally, after half a minute of strength, Bastee gets in the car and gets sent to the place he deserves! Despite all the commotion, even happening in the state-of-the-art van, of course.

During the destination, the security guard thought "I've never seen such deranged person in my half-a-decade times, perhaps, that person has digested a drug not even the dogs could identify what it was...", and then, they reached the station.

SECURITY GUARD:

Okay, maybe we're facing what I think, has to be a rare case of a drug that was never been identified, a drug that it's so powerful, perhaps, that's the main cause why our "pal", "Bastey" I think, is the way he is. The K-9's were barking nonstop when I made him arrive at the van.

OFFICER 1 (Gladys):

Oh, Sherman, you always bring out the most outlandish cases not even the local detectives can solve... Like, a drug that causes mental derailed? Maybe. But a drug that causes someone to change beyond recognition? Don't tell me you were *mimics someone snorting the "flour"*... huh? *and chuckles*

OFFICER 2 (Kuri):

Yeah, wow, I can't believe that actually exists, now, tell me the day you found a literal giant rat stealing the tax papers out of your scrotum while dancing with 2pac! *also chuckles*

SECURITY GUARD (Sherman):

(With personal commotion) Guys, seriously, how many times do I have to address I'm dealing with my schizophrenia even after getting out of rehab 7 months ago? Obviously, I'm going to see made up things, which makes me have to take my pills and do a list of activities my doctor prescribed me, but, seriously, it goes to a point where it's looking like my condition is not the biggest deal!)

TBA.