Archive of Our Own

It begins with a stranger on his couch.

Well, a man, technically, but still. A person Chan doesn’t know.

Chan woke up, brushed his teeth, showered, got dressed, and opened his bedroom door to then walk about five feet before he stumbled upon the stranger on his couch.

The stranger, whose presence just about flips Chan’s whole day — his whole life — on its axis.

Chan’s never seen him before, he’s sure. His friends crash at his place a lot, and since he and his roommate run in the same circle of friends, there’s never someone in his apartment that he doesn’t know. This person is not one of his friends.

The stranger’s sleeping soundly, blonde hair stuck in all directions over one of the couch pillows, his face squished against the material in a way that makes his cheeks look like soft marshmallows and accentuates the pout of his full lips. There’s a galaxy of freckles dusting across his cheeks and nose, little constellations highlighting the contours of his face. His body is covered by the throw blanket he and Minho usually keep on the back of the couch, the soft rise and fall of his chest making the blanket look much comfier than Chan has ever found it to be.

His feet carry him a couple of steps closer, still far enough that he’s on the other side of the area rug and the coffee table on top of it that serves as the ocean keeping Chan apart from this person, but still close enough that he can get a good look at his face, his whole being.

Chan realizes that in fact, the most beautiful person he has ever seen in his life is on his couch, asleep, and then promptly panics for three appropriate seconds.

He’s quiet as he backs away from the carpet and all but speed walks out of the living room, careful not to wake the unknown sleeping angel, and heads down the hall to Minho’s room, avoiding all of the boxes Minho has piled in the way as he goes.

Minho will know. He’ll know, and he can tell Chan before Chan stops breathing under the weight of his discovery.

When he opens the door, his soon-to-be-former-roommate is sound asleep in his bed, wrapped around Jisung — his boyfriend, Chan’s friend and business partner, and Minho’s soon-to-be-new-roommate — and Chan is careful and quiet when he shuts the bedroom door behind him.

Chan is less careful than he would like to admit when he climbs onto Minho’s side of the bed, gently shaking him awake, whispering his name frantically.

“Do you want to die?” Minho eventually grumbles. He cradles Jisung’s head carefully where it’s buried in his chest, Jisung’s face squished up and mouth open, drooling slightly onto Minho’s naked chest.

He completely ignores Minho’s threat. “Who is sleeping on the couch?”

“Who is what?” Minho slowly blinks one eye open.

“There’s someone sleeping on the couch.” Chan says, not at all embarrassed by how frantic his whispering has turned. He needs to know, though. “Blonde. Freckles. Who are they?”

Minho groans, letting his one open eye slip shut again. “It’s okay, Chan-ah. It’s just Felix.”

Felix.

Latin for lucky, happy, or fortunate. Or at least, that’s what Chan thinks it means. He hasn’t taken a Latin class since he was twelve.

Chan’s heart does a funny little jump in his chest, stomach swooping like he’s on a rollercoaster.

At least the stranger of a sleeping beauty on his couch has a name now.

“Who is Felix?” Chan asks, shaking Minho desperately.

“Felix is Jisung’s best friend.” Minho is trying to sound patient through his exhaustion. Chan vows to make it up to him. “I picked them up from the club last night. It was late, I was tired, and Jisung was sleeping over anyway, so I brought them both here and told Felix to sleep on the couch.”

“Okay,” Chan says, nodding. “Just wondering.”

“Be quiet,” Minho grumbles. “You’ll wake Jisung.”

Chan scoffs. Jisung can sleep through a hurricane and an apocalypse and never stir awake once, but Chan doesn’t say that now. He pats Minho’s arm in thanks as he climbs off the bed, and then he’s leaving Minho’s room, shutting the door behind him quietly.

When he heads back into the living room, the sleeping angel, Felix, is still there, still in his slumber, and Chan hurries back into his room, promptly shutting the door and then collapsing back against it, dazed.

“Felix.” Chan finds the syllables of his name fit nicely in his mouth, and so he says it again and again, a little quieter each time, like he’s keeping Felix for himself, afraid if he speaks it any louder the universe will hear and try to take him away before Chan even gets a chance to say hi to the angel.

He feels that familiar ache in his chest starting to swell. A sense of longing, desire, curiosity.

Immediately, Chan tries to tamp it down, to dig a hole and bury it before it has the chance to fully grow.

It’s never been a good thing — Chan’s attraction to people. Or at least, he doesn’t think so.

As much as the angel on the couch calls to him, he can’t give in. He won’t let himself get the chance to say hi. Especially not if Felix is Jisung’s best friend, because if Felix is important to Jisung, then he’s important to Minho, and if that’s the case, then this thing in his chest that he knows already belongs to Felix has to end before it begins.

He had plans today, Chan did. He had plans to go to the gym, to meet Changbin for lunch, maybe join Jeongin for that boxing lesson. But now, on a chilly January morning, only two days into the new year, his day is completely scrapped.

Until his angel leaves the apartment, Chan’s not leaving his room.

+

The next time Chan sees Felix, it’s a few days later, when Felix comes to pick up Jisung from work.

Chan and Changbin are in Jisung’s office, the three of them talking about booking studio times, upcoming projects and timelines, when there’s a knock on Jisung’s door.

Jisung grants whoever it is permission to enter through a shout, and then the door is opening, and Chan’s angel walks through with a sheepish smile.

“Oh hey Lixie!” Jisung exclaims, checking the time on his phone. “Is it time already?”

Felix nods, extending a polite smile to Changbin. When he turns to Chan, his full lashes kiss his cheeks when he blinks, and then his smile grows larger by just a fraction.

That fraction pierces Chan’s heart like Cupid’s arrow.

Chan offers him a kind smile in return but says nothing. He tries to shrink in on himself, to astral project somehow so he doesn’t have to be here, but so he also doesn’t have to take his eyes off of Felix.

Even though he really should.

“His royal highness is waiting in the car in the parking garage,” Felix tells Jisung. “So we should be quick.”

Jisung rolls his eyes, but goes about packing up his things, and Chan and Changbin stand, taking that as a cue for the end of their impromptu meeting and a sign of dismissal.

Chan’s surprised when Felix clears his throat politely, tilting his head at Jisung. “Ji, don’t be rude. Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends?”

Jisung rights himself, shaking his hair out of his eyes and smiling. “Right, sorry. Felix, these are my friends and business partners. That’s Changbin, and Chan. Guys, this is Felix, my best friend. We met in college. He just moved back here from his hometown a couple of weeks ago.”

“It’s really nice to meet you both,” Chan’s angel says. He extends a hand out, shaking Changbin’s hand, and then Chan’s. When their fingers touch, Chan swears he can feel lightning shoot up his arm and into his heart. Felix’s hold lingers with Chan for a moment, a small blush creeping up his face, those full lashes kissing those freckled cheeks again as Felix blinks at him.

The smile he gives Chan is all teeth, perfect pearly whites, his canines sharp enough that Chan can already feel the pinpricks of them sinking into his heart, tearing the organ apart one chamber at a time.

Chan lets go of his hand a little early, but still says “It’s really nice to meet you too, Felix.”

“I thought picking Jisung up was Minho’s job.” Changbin jeers, and Jisung flips Changbin off almost immediately.

“It wouldn’t be my job either, but one of us passenger princesses had to get a license eventually, and it clearly wasn’t going to be Ji.” Felix teases.

Jisung pouts at Felix, round eyes and lower lip extended. It doesn’t work on Felix, predictably, because that look only ever works on Minho. “You’re supposed to be my best friend. Don't betray me and make fun of me the second you meet my other friends.”

Felix giggles. Honest to God giggles, and Chan feels his chest tighten up again.

He needs to get out of here.

The issue is, Changbin was sitting closest to the door, and now Felix is sort of standing next to him on the other side of the couch in Jisung’s office, so Chan can’t get out without making them both move. And if he asks them to move, he doesn’t want to seem rude, or unkind, so he can’t move until they move first.

Felix and Jisung bicker a little as Jisung continues to go about gathering his things. It doesn’t help that his desk is a mess, so eventually, Felix does move away, heading towards Jisung’s desk to help. Chan takes the opportunity, nudges Changbin and gets him moving so they can leave, so Chan can leave, but then another person fills the doorway of Jisung’s office, and Changbin stops dead in his tracks.

Hyunjin sees the movement, and smirks.

“Fuck,” Chan hears Changbin whisper under his breath.

Hyunjin has been spending a lot of time overseas in Europe lately, so Chan is a little surprised to see him back here in Seoul. Chan’s even more surprised that Hyunjin’s here instead of pestering Minho, but he supposes it’s mostly because Jisung would whine about friendship loyalty if Hyunjin didn’t spend a little time with him first.

Hyunjin waves at Chan, and Chan waves back with a small, “Hey.”

Chan’s voice snaps Felix and Jisung out of whatever they were doing, all heads now focused on Hyunjin in the doorway.

“I came to see what was taking you two so long,” Hyunjin explains to Felix and Jisung, and then turns to Changbin with a small smile. “And who is this? I don’t think we’ve met.”

Chan sees Changbin tense. When he doesn’t answer, Jisung sighs. “That’s Changbin. I’ve told you about him, remember?”

“You told me he was your business partner,” Hyunjin agrees with a nod, taking a step further inside Jisung’s office. A mischievous smile Chan is all too familiar with creeps up his face. “You didn’t tell me that he was —”

“Alright!” Jisung shouts, finally hefting his bag onto his shoulder. He takes Felix’s wrist in one hand, dragging him to the door, where he seizes Hyunjin’s wrist, dragging them both away with a “Lock my office!” thrown over his shoulder.

Chan and Changbin watch helplessly as Jisung drags them towards the staircase, Felix turning around with a blinding smile and a wave at Chan, who returns it, and Hyunjin tossing a wink over his shoulder at Changbin, who’s standing stock still in his spot.

When the three of them disappear through the door and into the staircase, Changbin finally exhales.

“Do you think he’s going to make them walk all fifteen floors down?” Chan asks.

Changbin shakes his head. “I don’t think so. Hyung,” he turns, facing Chan with wide eyes. “Do you know who that was?”

“That was Hyunjin,” Chan answers helpfully. There’s no way Changbin was asking about Felix, Chan knows it for a fact. Changbin smiles. It’s shy, a little unsure. He sees Changbin form Hyunjin’s name on his lips silently, and Chan smiles. “He’s nice. You’d be good together.”

“Hyuuung,” Changbin whines, but he’s still smiling. He hits Chan on the arm. “You and Felix would be good together too. He seems like your type.”

Chan does not respond. He lets his expression go blank as he shoves Changbin forward, pushing him out of Jisung’s office. He locks the door behind them, trying to keep Felix’s smiling face out of his mind.

It doesn’t work.

+

Chan lets out a sigh when he sets the heavy box in his hands down, wiping the sweat off of his forehead with the bottom of his shirt. From behind him, Minho rests a hand on his shoulder.

“Thank you again for your help today, hyung.” He says, handing Chan a bottle of water.

“I already told you, it’s not a problem.” Chan takes the water, downing almost half of it in one go.

Jisung emerges from their now shared bedroom, a pout on his face, his eyes misty. Chan offers him a fond smile, while Minho rolls his eyes.

“Sungie, we talked about this.” Minho says gently.

Jisung sniffles. “I know, I know! I’m happy you’re moving in, I really am. I’m just sad that Channie-hyung’s gonna be all alone.”

Chan sighs out his fifth, “I’ll be fine, Jisung.”

And at the same time, Minho says “Then find him a new roommate. It’s the least you can do, since you stole his last one.”

Jisung grumbles, rolling his eyes a little, but when he faces Chan again, his expression softens into something fond. “Would you want to? Live with someone else.”

The thing is, Chan doesn’t need to live with someone else. He knows it, so does Jisung, and so does Minho. Chan was living on his own before Minho moved in, and he’s perfectly fine living on his own once more. He can afford it, and he can handle it just fine.

He opens his mouth to say as much, but Jisung beats him to the punch, saying “Because if you do, my best friend, Felix? You remember meeting him last week, right? He’s looking for a new place.”

Chan feels his heart fall to his feet.

He can feel it, the cartoon devil version of himself popping up on his shoulder, screaming at him to take Jisung up on the offer, to seize the opportunity for what it is. The angel on his other shoulder is much more reasonable, telling him to not be selfish or disingenuous.

“That’s actually not a bad idea.”

Chan and Jisung both whip their heads towards Minho, who shrugs. “What? It’s true. Felix is from Australia, too. He only really knows Jisung, Hyunjin, and I. And you haven’t spoken to another Australian person besides that Jake kid who just started working at the label, or Lily, your secretary who’s not your secretary. It’ll be good for Felix, and it could be good for you, too, hyung.”

Sometimes Chan wishes Minho wasn’t so insightful or wise.

“Wouldn’t it be uncomfortable, though?” Chan tries to reason. He can see the hopeful and shiny look in Jisung’s eyes, already growing bigger and bigger, so he doesn’t look at him, keeps his eyes on Minho. “We’re practically strangers.”

“It’d be totally fine!” Jisung insists.

“We’ve only met once.” Chan points out.

Minho makes a small noise. “Twice.”

Jisung’s hopeful face blinks into shock. “Twice?”

“Chan found Felix on our couch when he spent the night after the club.” Minho explains. “So, they’ve met twice.”

“We’ve met once,” Chan corrects. “Me seeing a stranger —” an angel “— on the couch doesn’t count as meeting him.”

Jisung’s smile returns in full force. “But you met at the label the other day. And Felix said you were nice!”

Chan frowns. “We said like eight words to each other, Ji.”

Minho sighs through his nose. “Just consider it, hyung. It would be a good opportunity, and Felix doesn’t have long before he has to be out of the pension he rented.”

Chan nods, too afraid to say anything else. He catches the face that Jisung makes as he heads towards the door so he can grab another box from Minho’s car downstairs, and he knows it’s useless.

He’s going to say yes.

It’s not a question of if, just when.

+

When, much to Jisung’s delight, turns out to be a little under forty-eight hours later.

He’s sitting in his apartment, finally void of all of Minho’s things, and it takes him exactly three seconds of considering what it would look like to have Felix’s things around, what those things might even be, mixing with Chan’s things and surrounding them both as Felix naps on the couch with his head in Chan’s lap for Chan to pull the trigger.

He texts Minho. He doesn’t know if he’d be able to stomach Jisung’s enthusiasm right now, especially not with his stomach roiling with nerves as he types.

me

You can tell Felix that he can move in

Take over your part of the lease

Since we would’ve had to renew it in a few weeks anyway

He can just sign and take on the new one with me

minho

Sounds good

I’ll let him know

Chan sighs, going to pocket his phone when another text comes through.

It’s a text from Minho with Felix’s number, and a simple message.

minho

Just so you know who’s texting you

I’m glad you said yes, hyung

I did mean it when I said it’d be good for both of you

Chan does not acknowledge that at all.

+

Felix’s number has been in Chan’s phone for a total of three days, and he hasn’t used it once.

It takes a total of five days of Jisung’s upfront and aggressive pestering and Minho’s passive aggressive backseat pestering for him to finally cave in. He’s alone in his office, turning his phone over and over in his hands to try and figure out what he’s supposed to say to Felix that doesn’t make him sound like an absolute creep.

Overbearing.

Smothering.

Protective.

Obsessive.

Too much.

He winces to himself as his flaws come back to him in intense, sharp waves.

Perhaps he spoke too soon.

Perhaps he shouldn’t have taken Minho and Jisung up on their offer.

It feels like he’s committed a crime, almost. Neither of them knows or realize just how much of a crush Chan has on Felix already, and Chan feels like he just took complete advantage of their offer.

They probably didn’t realize they were offering Felix up as a sacrifice, and if Chan is a God, he is a selfish one, truly selfish and evil and vile and cruel.

He’s seen Felix a total of two times, and the angel has plagued his dreams almost every night, taking different ethereal forms, the scenarios always different.

But they end the same, Felix walks away, leaving Chan with a battered heart.

This isn’t going to work, he thinks to himself now. It’s better, maybe, that Felix finds someone else to live with. Someone who’s going to be a better roommate to him, someone who won’t be and isn’t already irrationally attached to him.

Someone who isn’t rotten. Someone who’s not Chan.

Chan pulls up his messages, about to text Minho and Jisung a long and probably indecipherable message about why Felix can’t live with him after all, when a new text comes in.

From Felix.

angel

hi!

is this chris?

this is felix

jisung’s friend

we met a couple of weeks ago?

me

Yeah it’s me!

Hi, I remember you

I’m sorry I haven’t reached out

Things have been a little hectic lately

angel

hi :) it’s okay

minho hyung

gave me your number

are you still open to

having a new roommate?

me

I am! If you’re still up for it

angel

i am!

it would be so nice

to live with someone

also from sydney

when would i be able

to sign the lease?

or move in?

me

The new lease starts in a couple of weeks

I can send it to you to sign and you can move in on the start date

Minho still has his key, I think

angel

he does :)

thank you

i appreciate you

for letting me move in with you!

i promise you

you won’t regret it

+

Later that afternoon, there’s a knock on his office door, and Chan barely takes his eyes off of his monitor before Jisung’s barreling his way inside, a smile stretched wide across his face.

“Felix said he’s moving in.” Jisung says in lieu of a greeting. He plops himself in one of the chairs across from Chan’s desk. “He just called me to tell me. He’s so excited, hyung.”

Chan makes a noncommittal noise, staring at his monitor again. If he seems nonchalant about it to Jisung, he can keep his terrible secret to himself a little better. He’s not great at hiding things from any of his friends, but this cannot be the thing they piece together just by looking at him. It makes Chan feel guilty, just the slightest bit, for keeping something like that from Jisung, who suggested it in the first place. But Jisung was doing it for Felix. Not for Chan.

“You’ll like him,” Jisung swears. “He’s a great person to live with, and he’s really nice.”

“He seems very sweet.” Chan says, careful with his words.

“Hyung.” It’s Jisung’s tone that gets Chan to tear his eyes away from the monitor again. In his seat, Jisung suddenly looks like the shy and nervous kid he’d met all those years ago.

Chan frowns. “What’s wrong, Sung?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Jisung smiles. “I just, I wanted to thank you. For letting Felix move in with you. Before Minho moved in, I promised Felix that if he ever came to Seoul, he could live with me. And if he’d come back a few months earlier, he would have been. But with Minho and I —” He pauses, shaking his head.

Chan gets it. He and Minho had tiptoed around their thing-that-was-not-a-thing for so long. It had driven Chan and Changbin mad, and from the conversations Chan had with Hyunjin here and there when he wasn’t in Europe, he was just as annoyed by the lack of ability for Jisung or Minho to get their shit together. Jeongin wasn’t much better. The youngest of them all still had zero patience for any of them on a good day.

The point was, Jisung and Minho getting together and then moving in together had truthfully been long overdue. It makes sense why Jisung feels bad that he couldn’t keep his promise to Felix, given they were great friends and former roommates, but this was an important step he and Minho were making.

Chan was pretty sure that Felix understood that, too.

“It’s fine, Jisung.” Chan assures him, “You don’t have to thank me. Neither of you do. I’m happy to help out when I can and where I can. You know that.”

It’s not entirely untrue. Chan is big on helping. His underlying motivation to get to know Felix is a…bittersweet bonus, he guesses.

“I know, hyung.” Jisung nods. “Still, it means a lot to me.”

“Of course, Jisung. He’ll be fine.” He’ll be fine with me, is what Chan wants to say. But he doesn’t. He’s scared of the thought. He would never harm Felix, would never want anything but the best for him.

He genuinely does want to help Felix. He hopes that having a place and being someone from Sydney does bring Felix comfort.

And he hopes that his little irrational crush doesn’t affect any of that.

+

Chan’s a bit of a coward.

After a week and a half of texting and Felix signing the lease via email, Chan purposefully makes himself scarce the first day of February, the day Felix moves in.

He tells Jisung that he needs to find a present for Jeongin, and makes sure to tell Minho to see to it that Felix gets the keys and is able to get into the apartment safely. He spends the night before completely deep cleaning the entire place so it’s absolutely spotless when Felix arrives so that all he needs to do is put his things away.

Chan’s already gone from the apartment by the time Minho, Jisung, Hyunjin, and Felix get there.

He gets a text from Felix confirming his arrival.

angel

hi chris!

made it in

safely

thank you

again

for letting me

live with you

:)

me

Glad you made it!

Let me know if you need anything

Chan spends the rest of the day pretending like he isn’t both simultaneously excited and terrified to go home at the end of it, knowing Felix will be there and his apartment — and probably his life — will be forever changed.

+

Felix is…so fucking beautiful.

Ethereal, heavenly, just divine, really.

Chan feels so attracted to Felix it’s starting to scare him. Not just physically either. It’s becoming clear to Chan that there’s something deep rooted, some kind of magnetic pull that Chan feels like he absolutely has to resist, not wanting to let himself dive any deeper into the crush he knows is beginning to spiral out of control.

It’s hard, though, when Felix is just so kind.

He barely knows Felix. That’s the undeniable truth — the part that reminds Chan that he’s actually fucking crazy. They got to know each other a little over text before he moved in, and they talk here and there during the times that Chan is actually in the apartment and they can share a meal together or watch a movie. They mostly speak in English, unless Felix speaks to him first in Korean, then Chan will follow his lead.

Overall though, Chan tries not to linger, not to hover, feels like if he does he might do something stupid and make Felix uncomfortable. It’s Felix’s space now, too, after all, and Chan just wants him to feel at ease in the apartment. To get acclimated on his own, settle in.

Even if it means Chan barely gets to see him.

It’s probably for the best, he keeps telling himself. The best for Felix, that is.

A about a month into them living together, Chan wakes at an early hour and wanders into the kitchen to find Felix already sitting at the kitchen counter, drinking from a steaming mug and scrolling on his phone.

Chan’s only seen him like this three times. Soft, sleep rumpled. That first time on the couch, a second time when Chan came back from a morning run to see Felix padding down the hall with soft footfalls to greet him before heading into the kitchen, and today. It makes his chest ache in a funny way every single time.

“Morning, hyung.” Felix’s morning voice shoots electricity up Chan’s spine. It’s rough, deeper than normal, and Chan has to make a real effort to not visibly react at the honorific.

Plenty of people call Chan ‘hyung,’ it shouldn’t be any different when Felix says it, but it is. It’s something about his voice, his tone, the way he smiles when he says it. It knocks Chan off of his axis and sends him into orbit.

“Morning Felix,” he says. “Why are you awake so early?”

“Haven’t slept, actually. Spent all night gaming.”

Chan chuckles. He knows from Jisung’s time as Felix’s roommate in college that Felix has a bit of a knack for gaming at all hours and might get a bit intense about it from time to time.

“Do you want breakfast?” Chan asks before he can stop himself. He’s meant to be giving Felix space, not trying to be in Felix’s space.

Felix blinks, but then a small smile creeps onto his features, and he nods. “That would be nice, actually.”

“Pancakes?” Chan muses. “Eggs? Bacon?”

“That sounds lovely,” Felix sighs. “You don’t have to do all of that for me, though.”

Chan grabs a pan from one of the cabinets. “I’d be happy to, Lix.”

Felix absolutely beams at the sudden nickname, a pink blush creeping up behind those gorgeous freckles Chan just yearns to map out. “Are you sure?”

Chan’s heart thumps hard. He nods, unbuttoning the sleeves of his shirt to roll them up to his elbows, then sets about getting to work.

Felix watches him move around the kitchen, and Chan finds he likes this the best — Felix sitting pretty and comfortably while Chan does the work. He’d be happy to do it, happy to dote on Felix hand and foot if that’s what Felix wanted.

It’s not until Chan gets ready to pour the first pancake that Felix rises from his spot, making his way around the counter and by Chan’s place at the stove.

“Let me help,” he insists gently. “It’s the least I can do.”

Chan makes a small noise of protest. “You don’t have to, I can manage this for us.”

Felix’s eyes twinkle. Chan feels like slapping himself in the face.

“Let me help,” Felix repeats. “Please hyung? I can do this. You can finish up with the eggs and bacon.”

Felix’s pretty plea is enough to convince Chan to acquiesce, and there’s no more room for protest when Felix takes the spatula from Chan’s hands, their fingers brushing as he does, and that same lightning strike shoots through Chan.

He hadn’t touched Felix since that first day in the office, there had been no reason to. He blames it on static electricity, convinces himself he needs to change the carpet in his room. Felix just smiles at him, teeth as pearly white as the gates of Heaven, and Chan tries to calm his racing heart as he sets about getting the eggs and bacon ready in a different pan.

“How do you like your eggs?” Chan asks, turning to Felix.

There’s a look that passes through Felix’s eyes, and there’s a smile on his lips, but he seems to be distracted by something for a second. He blinks himself out of it, cheeks burning red when he turns his attention back to the pancakes. “Um, scrambled is fine.”

“Okay, and bacon?”

“Crispy, please.”

They work in a silent tandem after that. Felix makes eight pancakes, four for each of them, and Chan plates up their eggs and bacon. The two of them bring their food to the kitchen table, and Chan brings orange juice from the fridge, along with syrup and butter.

“Thank you for doing this,” Felix says when Chan sits down.

Chan smiles. “Thank you for helping. The pancakes look great.”

And they do — cooked golden brown to perfection. Chan waits for Felix to take the first bite before he digs into his own breakfast, and the two of them eat together quietly. Every now and again, Felix will look at Chan when he takes a bite of the pancakes, like he’s checking that Chan really likes them, before focusing back on his own food.

“This is nice, hyung,” Felix says eventually, all open and honest, “spending time with you, I mean. I know you’re busy and you work a lot, but it gets kind of lonely without you here, sometimes.”

Chan blinks.

He didn’t…he didn’t think Felix cared about his absence. Or even noticed it, for that matter.

“Oh,” he says lamely. “I’m sorry, Felix. I didn’t realize —”

Felix laughs, shaking his head. “No no, it’s okay! Really. Like I said, I know you’re busy. I knew that before I moved in, honestly. Minho and Jisung said you’re a bit of a workaholic. But hanging out with you has been really nice. I don’t know a lot of people here other than Minho, Jisung, and Hyunjin, and I also don’t know a lot of people here who are also from Australia? So it’s nice being around you. It makes me want to get to know you better. It feels…” His voice trails off, the smile on his face growing shy. “It feels kind of like home.”

Home. Chan feels like home? Or does Felix mean their apartment? Their apartment kind of is his home, but does he mean it like that? Or does he —

Chan must have been silent for too long, because Felix suddenly flushes, embarrassed. “I’m sorry, that was weird, I, uh —”

“No no!” Chan insists, probably too quickly. “It wasn’t weird. It wasn’t weird at all, really! I just…I guess I’m just surprised. A happy surprise though. I’m happy that you feel like that, Felix. I really am.”

“Yeah?” Felix looks so hopeful. Chan’s happy he can be honest with him, even if it’s just about this one thing.

“Yeah,” Chan swears. “I’m sorry. I —” He pauses, swallowing. “— I’m sorry, I forgot this is still probably new for you. Plus moving into a new place, getting settled. I’ll try to be here more often.”

Felix frowns a little, even if the spark in his eyes still remains. “You don’t have to do that, hyung. Honestly, not for me, and it’s silly anyway.”

“It’s not.” Chan insists. “Besides. I want to get to know you better, too. And I should. We live together, yeah? Our friends are friends. We’re both from Sydney. We should be friends, right?”

For a second, Chan thinks his sudden confession was too much, that he’s just exposed himself and undone all of his careful work, that Felix wasn’t actually trying to be friends and that he just wanted a more cordial living environment.

But then Felix is smiling shyly at him again, nodding. Chan is lost in the vulnerability in his eyes. “Right,” Felix affirms, and it feels a lot like Chan’s just agreed to something more than being friends.

+

Chan starts waking up early and coming home earlier in hopes of having more time to spend with Felix. Some mornings they manage it, but more often than not Felix is still asleep when Chan leaves, but he’s always home when Chan gets in from work, already finished with his own workday. He makes a point to say good morning and good night to Felix, needing to see Felix head to bed with his own eyes before he can ever go to bed himself.

They spend time together both in and out of the apartment, going out to eat or going shopping together. Chan takes Felix around Seoul to do some touristy things, and other fun things, like taking him to a cat café, or a puppy café, and as many of the cooler PC gaming rooms as he can find. He wants to take Felix to the Han River, do other outdoorsy things, but it’s still too cold in March, so Chan has to put a pin in his ideas for now.

They meet with Hyunjin and Jisung and Minho for Hyunjin’s birthday dinner, and Changbin happily tags along. Outside of that, a lot of their free time indoors is spent mostly playing video games or watching movies together, or talking about random things from their time in Sydney, and adjusting to Korea.

Chan spends every waking moment of it trying not to let this Felix sized ache in his chest grow any bigger, trying not to let his own selfish desires get the best of him, trying to tamp down any feelings or any emotions that will inevitably scare Felix away.

One day, when the first week of April introduces the slight warmth of spring, Chan finally takes Felix to the Han River for ramyeon and street food. Chan mentions offhandedly how he missed Felix at breakfast in the morning, having made pancakes that he couldn’t finish on his own, and by the next afternoon when Chan’s home from work, Felix isn’t home, but there’s a new whiteboard stuck to their fridge, along with a marker and these cute animal magnets.

There’s a message on the white board in Felix’s adorable handwriting.

“4/8/25 —

This is cool right?! So we don’t miss each other too much. I went out with Hyunjin for a little bit, but I’ll be back for dinner!”

Chan takes a picture and texts Felix.

me

We could just text each other you know lol

angel

hyung

that’s no fun

:(

this is

much better

don’t you

think so?

Chan smiles.

me

Sure

It’s cute

Have fun with Hyunjin

angel

:)

+

Chan comes home early one night in May exhausted and frustrated. He hates the business side of their label, wishes he and Changbin and Jisung had hired someone to handle all that bullshit for them when they had the chance. The three of them are far more interested in songwriting, composing, producing, and arranging. The business side was a horrible consequence, and he hated dealing with all the corporate nonsense. Even more so, he hated when Minho got dragged into their mess.

At their label, 3RACHA Productions, Chan, Changbin, and Jisung served as founders, board members, co-CEOs, and oversee the divisions of the label that deal with songwriting, producing, and composing. Minho serves as creative and performance director, a gaggle of choreographers, production managers, stage managers, and creative directors under his supervision. They’re all wonderful people, friends of Chan, Minho, Changbin, and Jisung who they trusted complicitly when it came to being the best at their job.

But Minho needed help. With the overwhelming amount of success the artists under them had been seeing in recent years, Minho needed to appoint additional people to serve alongside him for the endless amount of work being sent his way. There were candidates among the people they worked with, but some of them weren’t strong enough, and others felt they weren’t ready. It would have been fine, in any other situation, but this was not that.

They needed people Minho trusted, people with experience who were strong, ready, and up for anything. And fast.

Chan all but tosses his bag to the ground when he gets into the apartment, kicking his shoes off in frustration, tossing his jacket to the floor. It’s unusual for him, the chaotic expression, but he’s been so stressed, it’s inevitable.

He’s about to let out a frustrated scream when Felix pops his head around the corner, flashing him a wide smile. The smile drops just a fraction when he takes in Chan’s current state, and then his whole body comes into view.

Chan’s stress just…dissipates.

It’s been three months of living together now, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to the way that just seeing Felix puts his entire being at ease, makes his heart feel like it grows ten sizes.

Felix is clad in sweatpants that are too long and cover his feet, and in a sweater two sizes too big, the sleeves covering his hands. His blonde hair is pulled back into a bun, his bangs framing his face. He’s wearing glasses that Chan’s never seen before.

“Felix,” Chan exhales. “Hi.”

He looks so cute, Chan feels like he’s going to scream for an entirely different reason.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Felix practically squeaks. He jolts, like he’s going to rush for Chan, but he thinks better of it, keeping himself in place.

“Just a long day,” Chan explains. Felix does move then. He’s at Chan’s side in a blink, arranging his shoes to fall into a neat line, along with the others that he disturbed when he kicked off his sneakers.

Chan immediately bends, “It’s okay, I can —”

“Let me help, hyung.” Felix insists gently.

Chan nods and bends to pick up his bag so that Felix will have to pick up the jacket. It’s the lighter of the two, anyway.

Felix hangs his jacket up nicely on the hooks in the hallway, and then ushers them both out of the hallway. Chan sets his bag on the coffee table while Felix heads into the kitchen, and Chan follows after him.

He’s surprised to find a full spread on the kitchen counter.

It’s steak, roasted potatoes, and roasted vegetables. It smells heavenly, and Chan’s mouth waters almost immediately.

“Did you make all of this?” He asks, peering over Felix’s shoulder to look at the steaks. Felix cuts into one, and Chan almost starts to cry when he sees it’s been cooked exactly how he likes it.

Felix casts a smile over his shoulder. “I did. Figured it was my turn to make you something for dinner.”

“Aw Lix,” Chan almost frowns. “You didn’t have to do that. I don’t mind cooking for us.”

There he goes, using that word again. Us. Chan can’t help it. And he’s technically not wrong to use it — it is just the two of them in the apartment.

“I know,” Felix hums, starting to portion everything out on two plates. “But I wanted to. I wanted to do something for you, for once.”

“Well, thank you. Seriously. I appreciate this more than you know.”

Chan almost gulps when the words leave his mouth, splutters to try to take it back, but the smile that breaks on Felix’s face is so overwhelmingly sincere and grateful, and Chan can’t understand why.

“I’m happy to do it, hyung.” Felix beams at him. “It’s the least I can do, for what you’ve done for me.”

He doesn’t know what to say to that, so he offers Felix a kind smile instead. Felix seems to think it’s enough, because he doesn’t say anything either.

They eat dinner in a comfortable silence, and Felix surprises Chan with a plate of brownies. They bring them to the couch — Chan isn’t at all ashamed to admit he eats at least five of them on his own — and Felix turns on his Nintendo Switch, pulling up Mario Kart and handing a controller to Chan.

They race for a few rounds, and once they both have two wins each, Felix turns to Chan with a small smile.

“Feeling better?” He asks sweetly.

Chan nods, giving Felix his own smile. “A lot better, actually. Thank you again, Felix. Seriously.”

“Of course, hyung.” Felix says, a bit shy. He tilts his head then, eyes still on Chan’s face. He’s sweet when he asks, “Do you want to talk about it at all?”

Chan hesitates. It might be good to vent about it, but Felix has worked hard to put him in a good mood, and he doesn’t want to ruin that by opening his stupid mouth.

“Just work stuff,” is what he says. “Minho’s a bit stressed, so I’m just trying to help him out.”

Felix nods in understanding. “Jisung mentioned it to me a little. I’m sorry you guys are still dealing with that.”

“It’s alright,” Chan shrugs it off. “It’s really not that big of a deal, in the end.”

“Well,” Felix says, “If there’s any way that I can help you, anything I can do to try and make it easier for you, let me know. I’m happy to, hyung. Really.”

Chan can only stare at him, hopelessly fond. “You’re so good, really.”

The words are out of his mouth before he’s even processed them. He’s embarrassed, ready to take what should’ve been a private thought back, but then Felix is smiling at him, almost like he’s proud to have received such praise.

So Chan lets him have it.

He’d let Felix have anything, but he’ll especially let him have this.

+

The next morning, Chan and Jisung find themselves collapsing into the chairs on the other side of Changbin’s desk, while Changbin slouches in his own desk chair. His office door is shut, and the three of them look exhausted, but not as much as they had the day before.

“Well.” Changbin starts, exhaling loudly.

Jisung snorts. “Yeah. That about sums it all up.”

Chan says nothing. Just looks between the two of them.

“How are you feeling, hyung?” Changbin asks him.

Chan sighs. “I’m better now, I guess. Felix surprised me, made us dinner and brownies for dessert. We played some Mario Kart — it was nice.”

“Wow,” Jisung whistles, and then the smile he gives Chan is all gums. “Felix made you his famous brownies? He must really like you, hyung.”

“He was just being nice,” Chan practically splutters.

Changbin shakes his head with a smile. “Well I’m glad. Yesterday was shit. I’m happy Felix helped you get out of your head.”

“He did.” Chan nods, laughs a little at the memory of it. “He tried to offer to help, too, it was sweet, really. He even —”

“Oh my god!” Jisung gasps, and then he’s shooting to his feet, nearly knocking his chair over in his haste. “That’s it!”

Chan and Changbin stare up at him in confusion.

“What?” Changbin raises a brow.

“What’s it?” Chan asks, lost. “Is it — I’m sorry, was I rambling? I didn’t mean to, I just —”

“No no no,” Jisung shakes his head. He’s in front of Chan then, his hands on Chan’s shoulders, gripping them tight. Jisung’s eyes are wide and a smile full of revelation sits on his lips. “Not you, hyung. Felix. Felix is the answer.”

Chan blinks. “He — what?”

“Felix. Oh! And Hyunjin! Of course!”

“Hyunjin?” Changbin pipes up excitedly.

Jisung whips his phone out of his pocket as he heads for the door.

“Sung?” Chan calls after him. “What’s going on?”

“Just let me handle this!” Jisung shouts, and then he’s shutting Changbin’s door behind him.

Chan and Changbin stare at each other.

“What the heck was that about?” Chan asks him.

Changbin shrugs, smiles. “Not sure. But I know it involves Hyunjin.”

Chan rolls his eyes. It involves Hyunjin and Felix, but he doesn’t say that out loud. He thinks about sending Felix a warning text, because when Jisung gets like this, the chances of things going either really well, or really really bad, even out at a fifty-fifty balance.

He doesn’t, though. He figures whatever this is about, Jisung can probably handle it, and it might not be that bad.

+

Chan should have texted Felix.

Because now, he’s looking at an email from HR containing Felix’s resume and portfolio containing a highlight reel of his qualifications.

There’s a separate email that’s pretty much identical but containing all of Hyunjin’s information, and Chan’s about a hundred and ten percent sure Changbin’s only looking at that one right now. Jisung said they’d both agreed to this when he called them earlier, but Chan didn’t expect this to happen this quickly.

Felix, Chan’s lovely angel of a roommate from Australia, is apparently a professional dancer, and former taekwondo world champion. He was even sponsored by Red Bull at one point, competing at a professional level at various dance competitions all over the world. He’s apparently danced for several western artists as well, a list of about a dozen names serving as credible references, including a few Chan has worked with himself.

Apparently his current job has him at a studio nearby teaching classes in their dance academy to high school students. He’s completely overqualified, and Chan can’t figure out why he would be teaching there when he should have been working at 3RACHA Productions from the very beginning.

Chan knows Hyunjin is more than qualified, and he also knows it’s probably going to take Changbin a minute to snap out of his stupor to be able to respond. So, Chan takes it upon himself and responds to HR’s email, CC’ing Changbin and Jisung, keeping his answer short and simple.

Felix and Hyunjin are hired. Match their salaries with Lee Minho’s, please. Offer them the soonest possible start date.

+

When Chan gets home, Felix is on the phone.

“Jisung!” Felix practically shouts. His voice is bordering on hysterical, and it seems like a tense conversation. Chan freezes in place near the front door.

“I’m not saying I’m not appreciative, but Ji, you didn’t even tell me that it was for immediate hire, and I already have a job, and — what?! How am I supposed to just keep both?! It doesn’t work like that!”

Okay. Yeah.

Chan definitely should have texted Felix.

He closes the front door as quietly as possible, toeing his shoes off even quieter as he makes his way down the front hall. He thinks if he makes it to the kitchen, and ducks behind the island in time, he can sneak around it and sneak into his room without Felix noticing.

Except when he gets to the end of the hall, just as he’s about to dive behind the kitchen island and try to escape to his room, Felix whirls around, pointing right at Chan and mouthing in English, “Don’t. Move.”

Chan puts his hands up in surrender, nodding rapidly. Felix narrows his eyes, brows furrowing and face scrunching up in frustration. He looks like a frustrated bunny.

It’s cute. Chan wants to smile, but he’s afraid Felix might bite him if he does. Or scratch him.

Huh.

Chan makes a mental note to examine why that makes his heart race so much a little later.

Felix listens to whatever Jisung is saying on the other line, his expression getting more pinched and frustrated by the second. Chan can faintly hear Jisung’s voice getting louder and whinier, the way it does when he’s upset that someone else is upset.

“Jisung,” Felix sighs. “I’m not saying that. I’m appreciative, you know I am, this just took me by surprise is all.” He turns to Chan then, pointing for him to sit on the couch. Chan scrambles to comply, even if it puts him very close to his clearly disgruntled roommate.

“We’ll talk about this later.” Felix cuts Jisung off mid rant. “Chan’s home now, so I’m going to speak to him about this. Do not text me, Han Jisung. Or I will block you.”

When Felix hangs up, his eyes shut as he takes a deep breath. There’s enough of a pause that Chan thinks about sneaking off to his room after all, but then Felix’s eyes open, and he turns to Chan with a frown.

“Why.”

Chan swallows. “You’re more than qualified. And Jisung said he talked to you, he said you said yes.”

Felix snorts, sitting on the coffee table. “I didn’t say ‘yes,’ I told him I would send him what he needed, but that I would have to think about it.”

“Oh,” Chan frowns. “I’m sorry. Really, Felix, I’m sorry. I planned on texting you, but when Jisung said you’d already agreed, I didn’t want to bother you, or make you second guess your choice. Minho just really needs help, and I think Jisung was just getting ahead of himself.”

Felix’s fierce expression softens suddenly. “This is related to the thing from yesterday?”

Chan winces. “Kind of? We’re…doing well now, I guess you could say. And we have a lot of projects coming up, and Minho’s plate is full, and the board keeps hounding us to expand and get help, so when it came up yesterday we just got so stressed out, and then today Jisung said he had a solution, so he —”

Felix holds a hand up, and Chan’s jaw clacks shut. “Okay. That. That makes sense. I thought this was something separate, but if this is what Minho needs help with, then…” Felix takes a deep breath, shaking his head at himself. He gives Chan a sheepish smile. “I did say to tell me if I could help with anything, didn’t I?”

“Yeah but Lix,” Chan scoots forward on the couch. “You don’t have to. If you like where you’re at and you don’t want to quit, you don’t have to. I’ll talk to Jisung — talk to him about asking for permission and —”

“I’ll do it.”

“— make sure that he knows that he can’t just — wait. What?”

Felix laughs softly. “I’ll do it. I mean, I already talked to my boss. Yeosang said one of his friends from school works for you guys, under Minho, and he said it would be a better opportunity. I just would have preferred to make the decision for myself.”

Chan frowns. “You still can. You don’t have to accept just because you feel obligated to. I know we backed you into a corner. If you want to wait, or maybe even come in for a tour, just to see what it’s like, see if you want to be part of it at all, you can do that first. You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to.”

Felix smiles at Chan, nose scrunching cutely. He reaches forward, resting a hand on Chan’s knee. “You’re really sweet, hyung.”

“I’m being serious,” he reiterates, resting his hand over Felix’s.

Felix nods. “I know.”

“Come in for a tour,” Chan repeats his offer, holding Felix’s hand in his and squeezing. “Consider your first day as a trial. Do the tour first, see how you like it, and then if you’re sure, you can sign the offer letter, and everything that comes after.”

“Okay,” Felix gives him a smile. “Will you be leading the tour?”

“Uh,” Chan rubs at the back of his neck nervously with his free hand. “Usually one of our HR reps does it, but I mean, I can be there too? If you want.”

Felix nods excitedly. “I’d feel more comfortable if you were.”

“Okay, I’ll set it up then. When do you want to come in?”

“Tomorrow?” Felix asks, squeezing Chan’s hand back. “Maybe in the early afternoon, if that’s okay?”

Chan brings his hand down from his neck and pulls out his phone, immediately typing up an email. “Of course it is, Lix. I’ll take care of it.”

Felix leans forward, resting a second hand on top of where theirs are still intertwined. “I’m sorry I got a little upset, just now. But thank you for being so understanding.”

How could I not be? It’s you. Chan wants to say. Instead, he smiles.

He’s not sure how these company tours really work anymore, but he tells Ryujin, their head of HR, to be sure to pull out all the stops.

+

Felix’s first time at the company sends Chan into a fit of nerves, needing everything to be perfect.

Felix and Hyunjin both come in the next afternoon with a tour of the company, as agreed upon, guided around by Ryujin, with Minho, Jisung, Changbin, and Chan accompanying them.

Chan takes in the awe on Felix’s face with a touch of pride, pleased to see that Felix is impressed by their company building. Chan’s usually not one to take credit for anything, but whenever Felix looks at something and his eyes twinkle in amazement, Chan wants to smirk and tell him ‘that was all me’ or ‘that was my idea’ just to have Felix direct those pretty eyes at him instead. For the things Felix doesn’t appear overly impressed by, Chan wants to ask him, ‘how can I make this better for you? What do you need me to do?’

It's not until Ryujin suggests that Minho take over to show them to the studio spaces on the tenth floor that it finally sets in for him. Felix could be working here. He could start to work here and Chan could start to see him every. Single. Day. Every minute of every day. At home and at work.

He tries not to hyperventilate about it.

Minho opens the door to Studio One, the largest studio space and main studio that Minho and the others on the performance team work out of. Inside, several of their performance staff are currently working on the choreography draft for an upcoming show one of their main artists, VOCALRACHA, a duo, are scheduled to do in two weeks’ time. The duo themselves aren’t present, both Seungmin and Jeongin most likely in vocal lessons due to the mid-morning hour, but their performance staff quickly turn and bow when Ryujin, Minho, Changbin, Jisung, and Chan enter the room.

“Guys, this is Felix, and Hyunjin. They may be coming to join us depending on how well you all decide to behave today.” Minho says, and Felix and Hyunjin bow in greeting.

Minho takes a few steps forward, motioning for Felix and Hyunjin to join him, and Ryujin turns to Chan, Changbin and Jisung. “We should probably let them have some time together, yeah?”

Chan nods, casting one last look over his shoulder. He’s surprised to find Felix is already looking at him, a slightly worried expression on his face, but Chan smiles, hopes it says, ‘I know you’ll do great, they’ll love you, just be yourself.’

Felix must understand, because his answering smile can only say, ‘Thank you, hyung.’

+

There’s a knock on Chan’s door maybe half an hour before he’s set to leave for the day.

He calls for them to come in, peeling his eyes away from his computer and smiling when Felix pokes his head inside.

“Felix,” Chan smiles. “How did it go?”

Felix gives an answering smile, shutting Chan’s door behind him before he takes a seat in one of the chairs opposite Chan’s desk. “I really like it. I mean, I knew I would, but don’t tell Jisung. I want to make him suffer just a little bit more.”

Chan laughs. “Your secret is safe with me.”

“I signed the paperwork.” Felix says casually, leaning back into his chair. “Hyunjin, too. It’s why we were gone so long.”

“Oh,” Chan blinks rapidly. “So you’re — that’s it?”

Felix nods with a smile. “Hyunjin starts next Monday. I have to give my two weeks at my current studio, finish out the rest of my classes and help with the transition, but that’s it. In two weeks, once June starts, I’m officially yours.”

Chan swallows, ignores the way that those words make him feel, because they’re not what Felix means.

“Thank you, Felix,” is all he can say.

“You can thank me by clocking out on time and coming with me to eat pizza for dinner.” Felix gestures to the couch in Chan’s office. “I’ll wait for you right there.”

Chan doesn’t think he’s ever wrapped up a day in the office so quickly.

+

On Felix’s first official day, at least thirty people approach Chan to tell him how wonderful they think Felix is, and how he’s such a great addition to their performance division.

Which, Chan knows.

He tries not to hover too much, lets Minho and Hyunjin do most of the heavy lifting. It took Hyunjin less than two hours on his first day to be formally adopted by everyone else in the performance division, and Felix inevitably charmed everyone else the same way. They’re the perfect addition to 3RACHA Productions.

He was — is — exactly Chan’s type; so pretty it should be illegal, kinder than anyone probably ever deserved, funny, a little mischievous, and down to earth.

He charmed everyone from the very second he stepped into the building.

Chan especially.

The problem was Felix had been charmed by Chan, too. According to those who have been with the company for a while who occasionally slip some gossip Chan’s way, whenever they ask Felix about his personal life, he doesn’t speak of Hyunjin, one of his best friends who he works in close proximity with, or Jisung, who got him the job, or Minho, who has known Felix just as long.

No, he talks about Chan. All about Chan, day in and day out. Though, if you ask Chan what he did to make that happen, he’d have to tell you he’s not sure, because he’s not. He’s pretty sure he made a fool of himself.

But Felix was his employee now, so he definitely couldn’t cross that line.

Hyunjin, Changbin, and Jisung tease him mercilessly. Always poke fun when Felix comes to Chan’s office every single day, at the same time — half past noon on the dot — to have lunch together. Sometimes it’s takeout, other times it’s food he or Chan cooked at home and then packed to eat that day.

Minho takes mercy on him sometimes, gently nudges him and says there’s nothing wrong with what he and Felix are doing.

“We’re not doing anything though, Min.” Chan had said once, even though he desperately wanted the opposite.

Minho had simply raised a brow at Chan, pretended like he didn’t hear him, and just repeated, “There’s nothing wrong with it, Chan-ah. There’s nothing wrong with you and Felix.”

Minho was wrong.

Everything was wrong.

+

Chan is an…intense lover.

He knows this. He’s always known this. He knows how overwhelming his love can be - overbearing, protective, smothering. He’s never been controlling, never one to be manipulative or cruel. He knows people are people and need to live their individual lives, that people are independent and need to do things on their own or with friends.

It’s just that he’s never shied away from love. His family showered him with it growing up. His friends he’s had over the years have always shown him love and he has shown them love and care in return. Chan grew up with so much love that when it was time for him to give that love, it felt difficult to contain it in his bones. The few times he ended up in a relationship, he was so eager to show that love in the ways he thought were best.

Chan would do anything for the person he loves. He thought showing them that was proof of his boundless affection, his feelings. He expressed his love through every love language possible. He wanted his other half to feel blanketed with his love, surrounded and protected by it, safe with the knowledge that Chan’s love was solid, unquestioned, immovable.

Instead they felt suffocated. Smothered. Overwhelmed. They felt like it was too much, too soon, and too strong. They would ask him to dial it back, but Chan didn’t know how.

It had messed him up, made him afraid to even like someone that way, to develop a crush, in fear that if he did, even just that beginning stage would be a full dive into the deep end instead of just dipping in a toe in shallow waters. Love at first sight, end all be all.

Case in point — Felix.

Back then, maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad. If he had met Felix sooner, under different circumstances, maybe he would’ve been alright, wouldn’t have felt like he needed to put himself in the backseat.

But back then, Chan didn’t understand why loving someone like that was a bad thing. So he just…stopped. Any time there was a possibility of his heart beginning to open up, he slammed it shut, bolted the locks and boarded up the seams with plywood and nails so nothing could get in or out.

Again, case in point — Felix.

But now Felix wasn’t even an option.

Chan’s mom asked him why he stopped dating, back then, why it had been so long since he ever had anyone special to talk to her about. It was easy to be honest with her, to tell her that he was told he was too much. She had scoffed at the idea.

“My child?” She had said. “You could never be too much. Perhaps they weren’t enough.”

He didn’t believe her. Moms have to say those things about their children. So he went to his sister about it instead. Despite her being younger, she’d always been wise beyond her years, always felt like she was teaching Chan more than he was teaching her.

Hannah listened to his concerns, listened to him explain his situation and the conclusion that he’d come to.

For a moment after he’d finished speaking, she hadn’t said anything, but then she’d rocked him with a revelation so hard, it scared him enough to make him swear off dating altogether.

“Do you remember when mom and dad took us to visit grandma in Namhae that one summer? And she made us work with her every day in her greenhouse?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you remember that one plant she had in the corner of the greenhouse? That tall palm tree looking one. The one I said was my favorite because it reminded me of the palm trees in Sydney?”

“I remember.” Chan thought back. It was a large, hulking thing, bigger than the other plants in the greenhouse. It had sat in the corner, casting a shadow over some of the smaller plants that needed less sun. “It was gone one day. Grandma said it died.”

“It did die.” Hannah confirmed. “It died because I killed it. Not on purpose, obviously. But I overwatered it. Grandma told me it only needed to be watered once every three or so days, once a week at most. But I loved it and I wanted it to keep growing bigger. I thought because it was so big, I needed to water it all the time. So I did, but I overwatered it in the process, and it died.”

“I don’t understand.” He’d said honestly. “What does that have to do with me?”

“Love is a lot like plants, you know? Each plant is different, too. So you can’t care for them or love them the same. It’s important to adjust to their needs so you can nurture them properly and watch them grow under your care. But if you nurture them too much, like too much water, too much sunlight, it can kill them.”

Chan felt his body go cold with guilt. Felt sorely vindicated about his idea to stop dating. “And that’s me. So you’re saying that I should be…less?”

“No. Because the thing is, it works in the opposite way, too. If you give them too little, too little water, too little sun, that can also kill them. Love is kind of the same. Too much, or too little, either isn’t good. It’s kind of like the ‘Goldilocks and the Three Bears?’ I’m sure the right person you’re looking for won’t care about how you love them, or how much. But if you’re worried about it? Then you have to find a good balance in between in the meantime.”

“What if I can’t?” He had murmured. “I’ve tried before, but it didn’t work. What if I don’t know how? And how am I supposed to know when the right person is here?”

“You’ll figure it out.” She said sagely. “You always do.”

He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to figure it out with Felix. Not like this.

+

The beginning of July is when everything changes.

Felix bounds in Chan’s office at lunch time on a Friday with a too-wide smile, a faint flush on his cheeks. At first, Chan thinks it’s because of the long hours in the studio. The performance division has been working a lot thanks to VOCALRACHA — Seungmin and Jeongin — and Felix has been spending extra time helping them one on one to prepare for their next bout of performances.

It's not until they’re eating at the coffee table in Chan’s office that Chan notices Felix is quiet. Way quieter than normal. He’s usually excited to recount his day to Chan, and his silence raises Chan’s hackles a bit.

“Lix,” Chan begins, tone careful. “Is everything okay?”

Felix’s flush gets deeper, a nervous smile gracing his lips. “What? Yeah, yeah I’m okay. Everything’s okay.”

“Are you sure?” Chan raises a brow. “You seem a little…off.”

“I just —” He takes a deep breath, fidgeting before ultimately dropping his fork, abandoning his lunch and turning his body to face Chan’s. “Is there a company policy against dating?”

Chan blinks, works hard to swallow the bite of food he has in his mouth and not choke on it like an idiot.

“Um,” Chan falters, setting his own fork down. “Not really? I’m pretty sure HR has to be notified, is the only policy.”

Felix blinks, nods. “Oh. Oh that’s — okay. Good.”

“Is that —” Chan feels his face get hot. He’s pretty sure his back is sweating. “Are you —”

“Wooyoung asked me on a date.”

Chan thinks he’s going to be sick.

“He wants to take me to dinner tonight.”

Chan can’t feel his fingers.

“I said yes.”

Is he having a heart attack? Chan thinks he might be having a heart attack.

“It’s just dinner.”

Chan forces himself to smile. “That sounds nice, Lix.”

Felix blinks at him. “You — you think it’s a good idea?”

“Do you not want to go?” Chan asks, perhaps too quickly. He’s not answering Felix’s question, he knows, but he doesn’t think he can.

Felix hesitates, looking at Chan, almost like he’s trying to figure out how to react based on Chan’s reaction. It’s enough of a moment of hesitation that Chan feels like his heart might burst out of his chest in anticipation, even as he tries to keep his face neutral.

“He’s nice,” is what Felix finally says, blinking. “And I think it might be fun?”

His heart might burst either way.

“Then you should go,” he forces himself to say. “You should go and enjoy yourself.”

Felix stares at Chan, then, like he’s surprised Chan would say something like that. Chan opens his mouth to correct himself, to let Felix know he’s being genuine, that he just wants Felix to be happy, whatever the cost, but then Felix gives him a small smile, nodding, then turning back to his food.

Chan barely tastes the rest of his lunch.

+

Chan finds himself waiting up for Felix.

They’d gone home together after work and Chan had holed himself up in his room, resisting the urge to give into the storm brewing in his heart. He only came out when he could hear Felix getting ready to go in the living room.

Felix looked so beautiful. He was dressed so simply, in blue jeans and a fitted white shirt, but Chan felt like he looked every bit like the angel he was. He walked Felix downstairs to where Wooyoung was waiting by the curb, and Wooyoung had waved in surprise at the sight of Chan, like he forgot he and Felix lived together.

When the taillights of Wooyoung’s car disappeared, Chan had gone right back upstairs, sat on the couch, and waited with a dreadful pit in his stomach.

He was determined to wait up as long as he had to, for Felix, needing to see for himself that Felix made it home on time and made it home happy, unscathed, and just as beautiful as he left.

Thankfully, Chan didn’t have to wait long.

Felix had only been gone for three hours when Chan heard the keypad of their front door beep, his angel walking through the door only seconds later. He smiles instantly when he spots Chan, quickly toeing off his shoes and heading straight for him on the couch.

Felix all but leaps onto the cushions, both of them laughing at his antics, before he settles into Chan’s side.

“How was it?” Chan asks, the pit in his stomach growing with anxiety.

Felix shrugs, resting his head on Chan’s shoulder. “It was nice.”

Chan pauses. “Just nice?”

“Yeah, nice.” Felix fiddles with Chan’s hand. “Nice for a first date, I suppose.”

“That’s good, Lix. I’m glad you had a great time.”

There’s silence as Felix takes in the television, watching the movie Chan had playing in the background to try to distract him from his own thoughts. Chan doesn’t even know what it is.

“Did you eat?” Felix murmurs, running the pads of his fingers over Chan’s knuckles.

Chan shakes his head. “No, not yet. I got distracted.”

“Let me make you something,” Felix insists. “We can eat together.”

Chan shakes his head, turns the hand Felix has in his to grip at his fingers. “No, Lix, it’s okay, you don’t have to do that. You probably already ate.”

“Not really.” Felix squeezes back. “Just street food.”

Chan frowns. What kind of first date did Wooyoung take him on?

“Then let me make you something,” Chan insists. “What do you feel like eating, Lix?”

Felix is quiet for a moment. Chan peeks down, finds Felix’s eyes are focused on where their hands are joined together.

“Lix?” He asks softly.

“Pancakes?” Felix murmurs. He looks up at Chan, then, pretty eyes sweet and pleading.

“Yeah Lix, I can make us pancakes.” Chan squeezes his hand, prompting Felix to let go so they can move to the kitchen, but Felix stays where he is.

“Not yet.” Felix mutters quietly. “Five more minutes.”

Chan fights to smile as wide as he wants to. “Okay, five minutes.”

+

By the time they head into work on Monday, Felix hasn’t spoken about Wooyoung once since he arrived home after their date.

Chan doesn’t know if he should be grateful or concerned.

If anything, he’s mostly grateful, since it means that their morning routine hasn’t been disturbed.

There’s about an hour between when Chan starts work versus when Felix has to head to the performance division floor. Their routine is usually simple. Chan will usually take that first hour multitasking — eating his breakfast while simultaneously dealing with the never-ending pit that seems to be his email inbox and checking his office phone for any missed calls or voicemails — and he’ll chat to Felix in between while Felix sits on his office couch and finishes drinking his morning smoothie and eating his own breakfast.

When it’s time for Felix to head downstairs, he’ll fill up his water bottle using the filtered dispenser Chan has in his office, and then he’ll confirm what time they have lunch together before he leaves. He always parts with a kilowatt smile, saying “Bye Channie-hyung!” in a funny voice that Chan has dubbed his gremlin-voice, practically skipping out the door.

None of that happens today.

Felix abandons the couch entirely and drags one of the chairs in front of Chan’s desk around to the other side, plopping it next to Chan and setting his breakfast next to Chan’s on his desk. Chan doesn’t comment on it, even though he really wants to.

Felix said the date went fine, but he’s kind of acting like it didn’t.

Chan can’t viably fire Wooyoung for any of it, but he knows he’ll carry the tension with him and make it awkward for everyone if he doesn’t get to the bottom of it.

“You okay, Lixie?”

Felix hums. “I’m fine hyung. Why?”

“Just making sure.” Chan takes a sip of his protein shake. “Everything did go okay on Friday night, right?”

“Of course it did,” Felix tilts his head. “I said it was nice.”

“Okay. Okay, that’s good, then.”

Felix pauses. “He texted me yesterday. He asked if I wanted to hang out again this weekend.”

Chan blinks. “Oh. What, uh. What did you say?”

“I said I’d think about it.” Felix says. He turns back to his breakfast, like he didn’t just drop another bomb on Chan.

“Well,” Chan tries to sound supportive, encouraging. “If you want to go, and if you think it’ll be fun, then you should go.”

Felix doesn’t say anything, and Chan thinks he doesn’t look convinced. Worried that he’s making Felix overthink things, he asks, “Do you like Wooyoung?”

“He’s nice.”

Felix had said that on Friday, too, when Chan asked if Felix wanted to go then.

“Just nice?” You deserve better than ‘nice.’

“We’re still getting to know each other.” Is what Felix says, taking a sip of his smoothie, but there’s no feeling behind it.

Chan falters. He doesn’t want Felix to go on the date, but he also doesn’t want to prevent Felix from being happy, and while Chan would try his best to make Felix happy, he doesn’t think he’s the right person for the job.

Felix deserves better, no matter how badly Chan wants him.

“Well,” Chan says eventually, “I’ll support whatever choice you make, so long as you’re making the choice for yourself. You’re the most important person, Felix. Don’t forget that.”

Felix gives Chan a small smile.

+

A second date turns into a third. And then a fourth. And then, before Chan knows it, Felix and Wooyoung are hanging out at least three times a week. They practically hung off of one another at a company event the other day. They didn’t kiss — thankfully, Chan doesn’t know how he would’ve reacted if they did — but they were plenty affectionate and touchy. Chan was unable to do anything but watch like a pathetic loser from the corner, wishing that he had the smarts to have done something back then so he would be the one Felix was hanging off of. Chan, instead of Wooyoung.

Felix doesn’t say it out loud, at least, not to Chan, and none of their friends mention it to Chan either, but he’s not stupid. He knows they’re dating.

Even with his new boyfriend, Felix is never out late. He always comes home just shy of nine in the evening and he and Chan still have their routines. Breakfast and lunch at the office. Dinner when Felix is home. Waiting for Felix to get home on the nights he goes out, Chan waiting up on the couch doing nothing until Felix walks through that door.

Chan is dealing with it. Well, as best as he can anyway. He tries not to pout and sulk or feel bad for himself, and he tries his best not to feel like he’s essentially given away the one person he was starting to feel like he could get close to again, no matter how bad of an idea it was.

Still. He could have said something. He could have told Felix that he thought going out with Wooyoung was a terrible idea. Could have offered to take Felix on a date instead. He could have done a lot of things, but he didn’t.

And his refusal to do so is what got him into this mess. It’s what birthed his little green monster, it’s what drove Felix away, and it’s what gave Wooyoung the green light to go after Felix.

Chan. It’s all his fault.

It’s time he acknowledge it.

Chan has a problem.

A little green monster of a problem.

And he’s slightly worried it’s going to start fucking up his professionalism if he doesn’t get his shit together — and quickly.

He just…doesn’t know how.

It’s been a long time since he’s felt like this — jealous, envious, like he might throw something if he doesn’t get rid of it, or if he doesn’t get his way. He might call it arrogance, but that’s not really the case.

It just eats at him inside. It feels like something ugly and horrid is trying to claw its way out of his chest, up his throat, and trying to fight its way out of his body, trying to force him to lose the careful handle of control he’s managed to grip tight to.

Minho says he’s being dense. He’s not entirely sure that’s the case either.

Because Chan can’t be dense — he sees the facts as they are in front of him.

What he wants, he can’t have.

Well, not what. Who.

Who he wants, he can’t have.

And he wants Felix.

But Felix belongs to Wooyoung now.

+

Chan calls Hannah about it, mostly because he doesn’t know what else he’s supposed to do. He feels like an asshole, and she’s usually the person who will convince him that he’s not, or reaffirm that he is.

“Is this the kid that’s living with you now? The one I said hi to the last time we FaceTimed?” She asks, propping her phone up somewhere on her kitchen counter, her voice echoing a little as she moves around to make lunch.

Chan’s essentially barricaded himself in his office, locked the doors and turned on the white noise machine outside of it to give himself the privacy he needs. The combination usually lets people know he’s in a meeting anyway, but just in case, he also wrote ‘on a call — come back later’ on the white board Felix hung on his office door.

“He’s not a kid,” Chan’s nose scrunches. “He’s like, three years younger than me.”

Hannah rolls her eyes. “You know what I meant. Felix, that’s his name, right?”

“Yes,” Chan sighs, exasperated already.

“You’re his boss,” Hannah points out. “Can’t you just like…create a dating ban?”

“Even if I could, it would affect more than just Felix and Wooyoung. We have Jisung and Minho, and Changbin’s courting Hyunjin, I’m sure. You know Seungmin and Jeongin eloped last year. Plus, Ryujin’s our head of HR and she’s literally married to Yeji, our head of marketing.”

Hannah snorts. “Jeez. What’s in the water over there? Why is everyone coupled up?”

Chan shakes his head. “No dating ban.”

“Not even for like, five minutes so they break up, and then you can take it away once you and Felix get together?”

“No, Hannah,” Chan squeezes his eyes shut. “No dating ban.”

“Wow.” Hannah pauses cutting vegetables, staring at her phone. “You really like this one, huh?”

“That’s kind of why I’m calling you and waxing poetic about my pathetic life.”

“I’d hardly say your life is pathetic.” Hannah says earnestly. “Maybe just a little angsty.”

“I don’t want it to be,” he mutters.

Hannah sighs. “I’m sorry, Chris. I wish I could lie or sugarcoat it, but it does suck — watching someone you love get together with someone else.”

“I can’t be mad about it though,” he says, letting out a self-deprecating laugh. “It’s my fault. I let it happen.”

“Well, what else were you supposed to do? You thought it would make him happy, and so you told him to go for it, even though you didn’t want him to. Which means that you clearly like him enough to make sure that he’s happy, even if it means you’re not.”

“But doesn’t that make me a bad person?”

Hannah raises a brow at him in disbelief. “How could that possibly make you a bad person?”

“That I didn’t want him to. It didn’t seem like he wanted to either. At least, not at first,” Chan points out.

“So you’ve said.” Hannah sighs, washing her hands. “We won’t know either way, since we’re not Felix. So, the only thing you can do now is to decide if and when you’re going to tell him the truth.”

Chan shakes his head. “I can’t.”

“You say that now,” Hannah says gently, “But I know you, Chris. This is going to eat at you until it kills you.”

“I can’t tell him,” Chan repeats firmly. “It wouldn’t be right to do it now, not when they’re together.”

“Then do it later?” Hannah says, like it’s the most obvious solution in the world.

Chan groans. He’s two seconds from chucking his phone across his office. “Or never.”

“You’re hopeless.” Hannah rolls her eyes. “Maybe I should just intervene. You clearly don’t know what you’re doing.”

Chan frowns. “Don’t you dare.”

“If you change your door code on me, I’ll tell mom.”

“You’re such a pain in the ass!” He exclaims, immediately hanging up.

He texts her five minutes later, just in case.

me

You’re not actually a pain

Thank you for letting me complain

hannah

if you’re in the middle of a writing sesh

you’re doing terribly

those rhymes are lame

(i know)

(and you’re welcome)

+

Chan should be surprised when Hannah shows up out of the blue the following night, carrying three large bags of takeout with an innocent smile on her face, but he’s not.

He’s honestly more surprised that she waited till the next day, instead of showing up after work.

“You’re not slick.” Chan scoffs, letting her in anyway and taking the bags from her.

Hannah blinks at him. “Why, whatever do you mean, brother dearest?”

“Oh just shut up,” Chan waves her off. “He’s in the living room. Be nice.”

“I’m always nice!” She sneers at him. “And I’m not just going to ambush him like that. Be a gentleman and introduce us properly.”

Chan sighs, but leads the way. Felix is on the couch, playing Animal Crossing on the TV screen, remodeling his island. He’s curled under one of the throw blankets Chan uses the most, dressed in a plain black long sleeve and grey sweatpants. He’s home this evening, which feels like a miracle in itself for Chan, and when he spots Chan coming back with a guest, he immediately shoots to his feet, abandoning the controllers on the couch, the blanket falling to the floor.

“Oh!” Felix smiles. It throws Chan for a loop, every time he hears Felix speak in English, “Hi, you must be Hannah?”

Ever so polite, Felix holds his hand out for her to shake, bowing slightly in greeting. Chan sets the food down on the kitchen table.

“That’s me,” Hannah nods once they’re both upright. “It’s so nice to finally meet you! Chris has told me a lot about you.”

Felix sends Chan a look over Hannah’s head, but smiles at her all the same. “Likewise. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were coming over. If I had, I would’ve —”

“Pshhh, don’t even worry about it!” Hannah exclaims. “I like to drop in spontaneously every now and again to make sure Chris doesn’t live in a disgusting cesspit.”

“I think you’re confusing my apartment with yours.” Chris deadpans, opening the bags and removing all the containers.

Hannah faux laughs, rolling her eyes before turning back to Felix. “Sorry, I hope I didn’t interrupt an exciting evening.”

Felix smiles easily, shaking his head. “Nope, just some island construction.”

Hannah looks at the screen, immediately cooing. “Oh my god, your island is so cute!”

There’s a lot of squealing and high-pitched noises then — the highest pitch surprisingly coming from Felix — and Chan loses track of their conversation pretty easily.

He busies himself with distributing food onto plates for them both, bringing it over to the coffee table from where they’ve both tucked themselves into the couch.

“Oh, Channie-hyung, you didn’t have to do that for me,” Felix pouts, “I could’ve —”

“Shhh,” Hannah encourages, patting Felix on the knee. “Let him do it. Y’know, chivalry and all.”

“I’ll dump yours all over you.” Chan says flatly, flashing a teasing smile at Felix, who shakes his head with a laugh.

Hannah takes her plate from his hands, kicking out a foot and narrowly missing Chan’s knee.

“So, Felix,” Hannah begins dangerously once Chan has retreated to make his own plate. “I know you’ve been living here for what — about five months now? Almost six? I bet that means you haven’t seen any of Chris’s baby photos.”

Chan’s gaze snaps to the two of them. “Hannah.”

“I have not,” Felix admits, giving Hannah a conspiratorial smile. “I would love to see some, if you have any.”

“As a matter of fact,” Hannah feigns a gasp, “I have so many!”

Chan sighs.

He should’ve just changed the door code.

+

Hannah leaves three hours later, but not without her and Felix exchanging numbers before she goes.

Chan offers to drive her home, but she calls an Uber instead, so he waits with her in the lobby of his building while Felix stays tucked inside the warmth of their apartment.

“He’s nice,” Hannah says quietly. “A really good person.”

“I know,” Chan nods, staring at his feet.

She pauses, like she’s not sure what to say, or how to say it. She nudges his arm with her elbow, in the end, giving him a considering look. “He likes you a lot, you know. He looks at you like he adores you.”

Chan shakes his head. “He looks at everyone like that.”

“If any of my friends looked at me the way Felix looked at you,” Hannah shakes her head, “I’d probably be married to one of them by now.”

“Marriage doesn’t break the ugly curse you’ve got.” He goes for teasing, but it falls flat.

Hannah doesn’t even bat an eyelash, pretends like Chan didn’t even speak. “I think you should tell him.” She pushes, tone serious. “I think…I think you might be surprised at how it’ll turn out.”

Chan’s saved from responding to that when her Uber pulls up to the curb. He walks her out, hugs her goodbye and has her promise to text him when she gets home.

When he gets back upstairs, Felix is at the sink, washing their dishes.

“I had a lot of fun, tonight. I really like your sister,” Felix tells him with a smile when Chan idles up to his side to help him dry. “She’s great. She’s a lot like you, you know.”

“Felix,” Chan pouts, “You wound me.”

“Oh enough,” he laughs. “I have two sisters, you know. I get it.”

“I know you do.” Chan nods. “But you’re right. Hannah’s great. She’s a good person, a better one than me.”

Felix frowns. “I don’t think so, hyung.” There’s something in his tone, something Chan can’t name and doesn’t want to name when Felix says, “You’re probably the most amazing person I know.” 

+

Felix spends the next couple of nights going out with Wooyoung and his friends. Chan should be used to it by now, and it shouldn’t even be that big of a deal — when Minho lived with Chan, he was out practically all the time with Jisung, would spend countless nights at Jisung’s place and Chan would be alone in the apartment.

Still. When Felix is gone, Chan is left at home waiting for him like a sad puppy. He stays up to make sure Felix gets home safe, has dinner with him if Felix is hungry, and doesn’t sleep until Felix goes to bed himself. He develops a habit of saying goodnight to Felix in the process, making sure he’s the last person Felix gets to speak to before he goes to bed every night. They still head to work together in the morning, and keep to their routine as best as they can. Chan clings to it, clings to some version of domesticated normalcy he’s too afraid to lose.

One night, Chan goes to dinner with Changbin and their other friends. Changbin’s been pestering him about “bro time,” so Chan goes, leaving a note on the whiteboard of their apartment just in case Felix gets back before he does.

The restaurant is packed for a weekend, and Chan, Changbin, and their friends are squished into a table at the far corner of the restaurant. Chan takes the seat along the wall, the spot that allows him to see the entire restaurant, and he’s rewarded for his choice when he spots Felix coming in with Wooyoung, and San — one of the other members of their performance team — is with them.

It’s one of those seats with a booth on one side and chairs on the other, and Felix and Wooyoung slide into the booth, San taking the seat across from them.

Chan observes them quietly, trying to keep up with his own table’s conversation while keeping an eye on Felix. Chan notes that Wooyoung looks pretty cozy, his arm around Felix, tucking him close to his side. Chan feels like his heart breaks when he takes in the expression on Felix’s face.

He just looks so happy, so content. It breaks something inside of Chan, to feel both relieved that he encouraged Felix to chase after that feeling, even if it meant ignoring his own selfish desires for Felix.

He tears his eyes away, then pulls his hat a little lower on his head, just in case.

Changbin’s in the middle of waxing poetic about Hyunjin to their friends when Chan sees a flash of blonde move out of his peripheral.

He looks up briefly to see Felix heading toward the back of the restaurant, more than likely heading to the bathroom. Chan frowns at the fact that Felix is going by himself, that no one is going to make sure he finds it okay, and drags his eyes back to their table to figure out why.

Chan doesn’t know if his eyes find them at the right time, or the worst time, because the first thing he sees is Wooyoung and San kiss.

Kiss. They’re kissing.

Wooyoung is kissing San. Leaning across the table to do it, his hand bunched in the collar of San’s shirt to pull him closer.

They’re kissing. While Felix is gone.

When they pull away, even though he’s not facing him, Chan can tell by the lines of San’s body that he’s surprised. Wooyoung seems sheepish, a shy smile creeping onto his face.

Chan feels like his blood turns pitch black, boiling and curdling in his veins.

Changbin must see the look on his face, because he leans forward, frowning when he mutters, “Hyung, are you okay?”

“No,” Chan mutters, tearing his eyes away. “No, but it’s fine. I’ll deal with it.”

Changbin’s frown deepens, and he looks back toward where Chan’s eyes were. His face morphs into one of confusion when he spots Wooyoung and San. “Oh, when did those two get here?”

“Felix is with them.” Chan adds.

From his left, Mingyu leans over. “Felix? The one who’s been living with you? Do you want to invite them to join us?”

“No!” Chan says, perhaps too quickly. His whole table looks at him funny. “No, don’t. Just leave him. He’s with his boyfriend.”

Changbin pauses. “Boyfriend?”

He looks back at their table, but Felix is already returning, so Chan reaches out, smacks Changbin’s forearm. “I said leave him.”

Chan doesn’t know what he’s going to do about this. He has no idea how he’s even going to tell Felix what he just saw without breaking his heart.

He stews over it for the rest of dinner, and when they’re getting ready to leave, Chan realizes with a twinge of regret and guilt that they can’t leave without inevitably running into Felix, Wooyoung, and San.

Changbin breaks the ice, resting a hand on San’s shoulder and squeezing while exclaiming, “Hey guys! What’s up?”

Wooyoung and San seem a little surprised, but still say hi. Felix spots Chan first, and the smile that stretches across his face is bright and blinding. Chan can’t help the smile he gives Felix in return, the warmth that spreads through his body.

“Hi Channie,” Felix beams, reaching out and rubbing at Chan’s forearm. “I didn’t know you guys liked this place!”

“Changbin eats here a lot,” Chan says. He turns his arm in Felix’s hold, pulls it back to grab Felix’s hand and shake it a little. “We’re going now, but I’ll see you at home in a bit, okay?”

“Okay,” Felix promises with a smile.

To Wooyoung and San, Chan simply says, “You two behave, now.”

Wooyoung and San don’t look the least bit affronted, or upset, which makes Chan even more upset.

He doesn’t know what’s going on here, and he doesn’t know what he’s going to do just yet, but he’s going to get to the bottom of it.

+

He doesn’t exactly get to the bottom of it. It’s been a few days since the incident at the restaurant. Things at work are fine, overall. Chan doesn’t interact much with the performance division on a day-to-day basis anyway, so there’s not much he can really do about what he saw, other than to ask Hyunjin to let him know if things change.

Hyunjin had raised a brow at Chan, not totally sure what his point was, but he’d agreed all the same anyway.

Things do change at home, though, because for the first time in what feels like a long time, Felix is home at night, every night.

Chan finds him cooking dinner in the kitchen when he gets back from a late-night studio session at work, Felix freshly showered and changed.

Chan frowns. “Lix, you didn’t have to stay up for me. I said I’d be late.”

Felix smiles at him, shrugging. “I know, but I had a feeling you didn’t eat yet.”

Chan goes to answer, to protest, but his stomach grumbles then, and loudly. Felix laughs, gesturing to their little kitchen table with his chin. “Go wash up and then have a seat, it’s almost done.”

“I’m just going to shower really quickly,” Chan promises. “I promise it’ll take me like, fifteen minutes.”

Felix smiles, shooing him with a gentle wave of his hand. Chan heads to his room, then, stripping himself of his clothes and heads to the shower, scrubbing his body as thoroughly as he can, and as quickly as he can. He changes into sweatpants and a black t-shirt when he’s done, heading back into the kitchen just in time for Felix to begin plating up their dinner.

Chan squeezes past Felix, a hand on his waist as he reaches into the cabinet for glasses. He hears Felix’s breath hitch, and Chan stiffens, only relaxing when Felix seems to step further into Chan’s side. He puts the first plate down, grabbing the glasses from Chan to set them on the counter before resuming with fixing up their dinner.

“What do you want to drink?” Felix asks, sliding Chan’s plate towards him. “I’ll grab it for us. You just take your plate and go sit.”

“You don’t have to do that, Lix. You’ve already done so much.”

Felix half turns in Chan’s embrace. Chan’s not much taller than Felix, but with the way that he looks up at Chan from under his lashes, Chan feels like he’s a giant.

“I don’t mind doing this for you,” Felix says. His voice is low, soothing, and he rests a hand on Chan’s forearm, squeezing. “Go, sit.”

Chan swallows, nodding as he looks into Felix’s eyes. His feet don’t move. He tries, tries to scream at his brain to get him to head into the living room, but he stays right where he is, staring down into Felix’s pretty brown eyes.

“Channie,” Felix murmurs. His touch is warm from where it moves from his forearm, up to his elbow, and then his biceps, squeezing the muscle there. “Dinner?”

“Uh,” Chan says stupidly. “Yeah.”

Felix gently pushes Chan a little, backing him up against the sink. Chan blinks.

In his mind, this is the part where Felix kisses him silly. This is the part where Felix surges forward and calls Chan out on his stupid oblivious obsessive little crush, where Chan can beg and plead for forgiveness with his lips all over Felix’s skin.

“Channie,” he says again. “Can you bring our dinner to the table for me, please?”

That seems to kick his brain into gear. Felix wants something from him, so instinctually, he has to fulfill his request. Chan nods, and Felix smiles, backing up slightly to head back to the stove. Chan takes their plates to the table, and Felix joins him a second later with two glasses of pineapple juice.

“You’re home late tonight,” Felix points out as they dig in. “It’s been a little since that’s happened.”

“Ah, yeah,” Chan rubs the back of his neck. “Just busy with mixing, is all. It takes us a little while sometimes, with Seungmin and Jeongin’s stuff.”

Felix nods, swallowing a bite of food. “I get it. Seungmin’s a perfectionist.”

“Yeah,” Chan sighs. “It’s fine though. It’ll be worth it, in the end. Just a little stressful is all. You know how I am — I try not to take it home with me, but it’s hard to decompress after, sometimes.”

“What did you used to do to decompress?” Felix asks, taking a sip of his pineapple juice.

Chan shrugs. “I used to go to the gym, mostly, since I was a kid. I swam competitively, but I also dabbled in mixed-martial arts for a little. It worked for a time, but the problem with being good at that stuff is that coaches eventually want you to keep competing if you want to move up in training and learn more.”

Felix raises a brow. “And you didn’t want to do that?”

Chan shakes his head. “Not really.”

“Did you earn any belts?”

Chan feels the tips of his ears get red. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, I did.”

Felix smiles wide, leaning forward in his chair. “What’d you make it to?”

“Brown.” Chan admits. “Had to quit when it got to that point. It was after college, so I kind of needed to. Plus, work picked up around the same time, so it worked out.”

Felix tilts his head at Chan, considering, a twinkle in his eye. “So you don’t do anything to decompress now?”

“I come home,” Chan points out. “I come home and I relax with you.”

Felix scoffs. “Hyung.”

Chan smiles. “I’m being serious. I know it’s not Animal Crossing, like you have, but it works wonders.”

Felix smiles shyly. “Speaking of — your sister visited my island today.”

Their conversation flows easily from there. They talk about Hannah, about what the two of them conspire about when they text, and then they talk a bit about Sydney, about growing up there and the things they miss.

Notably, Felix doesn’t say a single word about Wooyoung.

Once their plates are clear, leftovers put away, and Chan’s got all the dishes in the dishwasher, he joins Felix on the couch where he’s put on a Marvel movie.

Chan tunes it out in favor of focusing on Felix — where he’s laid himself against Chan’s side, resting his head on his shoulder as the movie plays.

“I bet I could take you,” Felix says suddenly, a fight scene playing out on the screen.

“Huh?”

“If we sparred.” Felix explains. “I bet I could take you.”

Chan can’t see Felix’s face from where he rests on his shoulder, but an amused smile graces his lips all the same. “Oh?”

Felix nods. “I did Taekwondo for twelve years, you know. On top of dancing. I’m a third-degree black belt.”

“I know,” Chan nods. “I saw your resume, and your portfolio.”

Felix lifts his head as he sits up, frowning at Chan. “Then why do you sound like you don’t believe me?”

Chan blinks. “I-I do. I believe you, Lix.”

“But?”

Chan hesitates.

“You’re just — you’re so small, Lix.”

It’s the wrong thing to say. Felix’s frown deepens, before his mouth morphs into a firm line, and then he’s launching himself at Chan. Chan tumbles back against the couch cushions, bracing his hands on Felix’s hips as Felix tickles him, hands wandering all over as he tries to get at all his weak spots.

“Ya!” Chan manages to squeak out between laughter. “That’s not fair!”

“It’s plenty fair!” Felix exclaims, running his fingers along Chan’s ribs.

Chan manages to gather enough air in his lungs to grab onto Felix’s hips and flip them, pinning Felix to the couch only so Chan can return the favor, running his fingers up and down Felix’s sides, making him laugh, turning his skin a pretty shade of pink.

“Now is it fair?” Chan challenges, his hands wandering all over Felix’s torso. He feels so warm under his hands, even through his clothes, and Chan feels like he can’t get enough. He lets his touch roam freely, getting at any and every ticklish spot he can reach, committing all of Felix’s lovely laughter to memory.

It’s not until Chan’s hand touches bare skin, where Felix’s shirt has ridden up, that he manages to stop. He practically flinches, hand hovering over the warm patch, and Felix takes his momentary pause to retaliate, clamping his thighs against Chan’s torso and flipping them in a move so smooth, so expertly done, Chan feels the breath whoosh from his lungs.

And then suddenly, they’re not wrestling anymore.

Chan is frozen where he lays on the couch, hands completely limp at his sides. Felix is straddling his thighs, his hands on Chan’s chest, effectively pinning him in place.

Chan’s heart thunders in his ribcage, the beat so loud it echoes uncomfortably in his eardrums.

Felix is peering down at him, his pearly white teeth on display, all sharp, full lips stretched into a victorious smile, eyes still full of mischief.

“Felix,” is all that Chan can say. He says his name like a prayer, like a wish, like Chan is nothing but the worshipper of a hopefully benevolent god, ready to leave offerings at Felix’s temple.

This up close, Chan starts to count Felix’s freckles, to try to commit every millimeter of his face to memory. He only manages to find that Felix has a heart shaped freckle near his right eye before Felix’s face is suddenly backing away, and he’s sitting up, his body shifting in Chan’s lap, pressing down slightly when Felix adjusts his posture.

“Hyung?” Felix looks worried.

Chan schools his expression into what he hopes is something comfortable, something welcoming and reassuring. He smiles when he says, “Looks like you won.”

Felix either ignores what Chan says or doesn’t hear it. Instead, the hand resting over Chan’s heart presses down just a little. “Your heart is racing so fast.”

“Adrenaline.” Chan offers lamely.

Felix laughs. “We were barely wrestling for even a minute.”

Chan has no other explanation to give that won’t incriminate him, or expose the true reason behind why his heart is racing.

“And you won,” Chan repeats.

“What’s my prize?” Felix asks, his voice high pitched and funny. He’s Chan’s little gremlin.

My heart. Me. Chan wants to say. You won it all, you can have it all, you practically already do have it all. Take it, please? Say you’ll take it? Say you’ll take me?

“Pancakes,” is what he says instead. It’s all he has to offer Felix that’s pure, that’s well intentioned. “As many as you want in the morning.”

When Felix smiles, essentially accepting Chan’s offer, Chan still feels like he gave Felix his heart anyway.

+

They go out for Changbin’s birthday.

It’s not a big affair, as Changbin’s not really that type of person. Chan and Jisung book him a VIP section at his favorite club and invite basically everyone from 3RACHA Productions and all of Changbin’s friends.

Chan and Felix arrive together, as they’re used to doing, and Chan feels a little crazy when Felix reaches back, taking Chan’s hand and guiding them through the massive crowd until they reach the designated section of the club.

Felix looks amazing. He always does, but tonight, his hair is up in a neat little bun, and he’s wearing a cropped white tank top and low rise jeans. Chan tries his best not to stare.

He ends up sitting on one of the barstools in their section, content to watch his friends enjoy themselves and dance the night away. He agreed to be the designated driver, so he nurses a glass of water most of the night, content to munch on some of the bar snacks in the meantime. Their group flocks to their section at different times over the night when they need reprieve, or when they want to come and keep Chan company for a few minutes.

Felix seems to be doing the same thing right now, a wide smile on his face as he looks at Chan, approaching their section with quick steps. Chan smiles back, happy to see the flush on Felix’s cheeks, the light sheen of sweat on his forehead — all evidence of his enjoyment of the night.

Just as Felix is about to reach the little step up to their section, someone steps into his path from their spot at the bar. Chan frowns, watches as Felix does the same.

“Hi,” Chan manages to hear the dude say. “Are you here alone, pretty thing?”

Felix frowns, dodging the man’s touch. “No. I have a boyfriend.”

Chan watches Felix turn away from the stranger without a second thought. He expects Felix to head to the dance floor, to find Hyunjin and Jisung and go back to dancing the night away.

Instead, he watches as Felix crosses the small distance between them and heads straight towards Chan. There’s a kilowatt smile on Felix’s face as he gets closer, then his arms are flinging out to wind around Chan’s shoulders, stepping between Chan’s slightly spread legs to press their bodies together.

Chan gets with the program quickly. He rests his hands possessively on Felix’s waist, tilting his chin up when Felix tilts his down, accepting the chaste kiss from his angel.

It’s the first time Chan’s kissed Felix outside of his dreams.

In retrospect, Chan knows it’s a mistake to let Felix kiss him. But it’s worth it. It’s so worth it for the way that Felix continues to press multiple kisses to Chan’s lips, over and over even as he smiles. Chan waits for the guilt to wash over him, for the regret and the gravity of the situation to force him to make Felix stop.

It never comes.

Felix kisses Chan like he’s done this every day for decades. He kisses Chan like this is a thing they do all the time — like he kisses Chan every morning, every afternoon, every evening, even in his sleep, seeking Chan’s body across the bed, reaching for him among the sheets — and Chan can only chase after his mouth for more.

Felix trails his kisses at the corner of Chan’s mouth, presses one to his nose, another to his cheeks, then along his jaw before he returns to Chan’s lips, eager and earnest. Felix lets out a pleased little hum when they eventually part, smooths a hand over Chan’s cheek with one hand, carding his fingers through Chan’s curls with the other.

It’s worth it, the way Felix’s kisses send those same lightning strikes through Chan’s entire being, the ones that always happen when Felix touches him, when he gets close like this. It’s heavy, the way Chan feels as though he’s a dog on a leash who got yanked back after straying too far. He feels like Felix could sense the need Chan had to run away the second this stranger approached his angel, and pulled the plug on it before anything could happen, shutting it down as if to tell Chan “I don’t want him. I just want you.”

It’s not the truth. Nothing is true about this. Chan knows Felix came to him because Wooyoung isn’t here. Chan was probably closest to Felix proximity wise at the time, and because Chan is his roommate and friend, of course he would back Felix up and bail him out when needed.

The only true thing is that Felix had kissed him, and that Chan has completely become undone by it.

He keeps it together though, as best as he can. For his angel.

“He still staring?” Felix asks, rubbing his thumb along Chan’s jaw.

Chan carefully looks towards the bar, where the stranger is indeed still watching Felix. Chan licks his lips when his gaze returns to his angel, twisting his expression into something more confident. “Yeah, he’s watching you.”

“Grab my ass.” Felix demands.

Chan blinks slowly. “Are you sure?”

Felix nods with a small smirk. “Yes, Chris, I’m sure. Make it count.”

Chan feels like his whole body is shaking when he coasts a hand down Felix’s waist, curling around to the pert slope of Felix’s ass. His angel watches his face the entire time, and keeps his eyes on Chan’s, a perfectly content smile lining his lips.

Chan rests his palm on one cheek, tries to ignore the fact that the palm of his hand more than encompasses what's inside it, then squeezes firmly in a possessive grip. Felix arches his body closer to Chan, his pretty mouth parting slightly in response.

“Okay?” Chan checks.

Felix nods, his little tongue peeking out to lick at his lower lip before his mouth closes. Chan watches as he takes a deep breath through his nose, then tilts his head as he exhales. “He fuck off yet?”

When Chan glances back at the bar, the stranger is gone. Chan tells him as much, moving his hands back to Felix’s waist, fully expecting Felix to put distance between them as quickly as possible and start to explain himself to Chan about what all that was.

His angel doesn’t move, though. If anything, he leans closer into Chan’s space, pressing himself against Chan’s body a little tighter. “Good.” Felix’s eyes are staring at Chan’s mouth. “Sorry, I didn’t want him bothering me and the boyfriend thing usually only works if there’s someone here to make it look legit.”

Right.

Boyfriend.

Which, Chan is not.

Which, if Wooyoung were here, it wouldn’t have been an issue.

“You don’t have to apologize,” Chan says immediately. “I get it, I’m happy to help.”

Felix smiles, mischievous and appreciative. “You’re perfect help.”

Chan smiles back. Chan accepts that all this was just him being a good friend. He can accept that easily. Plus, Felix seems to be in good spirits still, so Chan considers it a job well done. Good friend, and all. Nothing wrong with what he did.

The night goes on, Felix a happy, shining light, and Chan, who is just grateful to bask in it.

+

The next day, when Felix and Chan walk into the building, Wooyoung and San are waiting at the little café near the entrance. Felix is in the middle of talking to Chan about how well Seungmin and Jeongin are doing in rehearsals, so he either doesn’t see the two of them, or deliberately ignores them, and Felix loops his arm in Chan’s, walking straight past them and heading toward the bank of elevators.

“Did you want to wait for them?” Chan asks as the elevator arrives.

Felix smiles at Chan when they get in. “Wait for who?”

“…For Wooyoung? And San?” Chan presses the button for his office floor.

“Oh?” Felix blinks. “Where?”

“At the café.”

Felix laughs a little, “Oh. Oops? I didn’t see them at all, actually.”

Chan can’t tell if Felix is lying or not. It’s hard to, when he has such an innocent face. He just smiles. “It’s okay, I just thought I’d check just in case.”

“It’s not like I won’t see them in like, ten minutes anyway.” Felix shrugs. “Besides, I always spend my mornings with you first.”

“But…” Chan fumbles. “Wooyoung?”

Felix blinks at him. “It’s not like he and I are serious or anything.”

That’s…news to Chan. Which probably explains why Felix kissed him. Why Wooyoung kissed San.

“You’re…not?” Chan asks dumbly.

Felix laughs, shaking his head. “Oh hyung, you’re so cute.”

Chan doesn’t feel cute. He feels lost, now more than ever, completely unsure of anything anymore.

+

“But what does that mean?” Chan asks, his head in his hands.

He hates having to FaceTime Hannah for things like this, holing himself up in his office so she can talk him off of yet another ledge.

Hannah makes a noise of uncertainty. “I don’t know, it means what it sounds like, I guess. At least in my opinion. And what it sounds like is that Felix and Wooyoung aren’t serious.”

Chan grips at his hair, ready to rip it out. “Not serious? Like they’re not dating? Or like they are dating but not…not fully committed?”

“I’m going to be honest,” Hannah says, “To me? It sounds like he’s saying they’re not dating.”

That doesn’t make any sense to Chan. At all.

“You said he kissed you?” Hannah asks softly.

Chan looks up then, frowning at his sister through the screen. “It wasn’t like that. Some asshole bothered him. Felix only did it to get him to fuck off. He only came to me because Wooyoung wasn’t there.”

Hannah’s silent, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. She has that look on her face when she wants to say something, but isn’t sure if she should or not. Chan’s frown only deepens.

“What is it?”

Hannah shakes her head. “You should talk to Felix, Chris. Even if it’s just to explain the kiss, you need to talk to him. I don’t think he is, but if he happens to be dating Wooyoung, then you need to let him know he can’t just do that with you, regardless of whether or not he and Wooyoung are ‘serious.’ He basically cheated on his boyfriend, if that’s the case. And if he isn’t dating him, you need to ask him what’s going on.”

Chan fidgets in his chair and says nothing. “It’s not his fault.” He murmurs. “I didn’t stop him.”

Hannah frowns now. “Why would you, Chan? Considering how you feel. How he knows you feel.”

“Yeah but he — wait. What?!”

Hannah winces. “Relax. I didn’t tell him, and we don’t talk about it, but I just…I have this feeling that he knows. And if he did this while knowing all of that, then —”

“He’s not that kind of person.” Chan insists firmly.

“I’m not saying he is,” Hannah says gently. “I’m not saying that you are, either. I’m just saying. Don’t you think it’s worth talking about? Given all the circumstances?”

Chan pauses, pretending to mull it over.

Hannah buys it, thankfully, because he has no idea how to tell her that he intends to do nothing of the sort.

“I’ll let you go,” Hannah says. “I have to get to work, anyway. But text me if anything else happens, okay?”

Chan nods, hanging up and promptly resting his forehead on the cool wood of his desk. He bangs his head against it a few times, hoping it’ll knock some sense into him.

It doesn’t.

+

That evening, Felix leaves the apartment when Chan is in the shower. He finds a note on the whiteboard of their fridge in Felix’s familiar penmanship, reading “BRB!” when he gets out, and he promptly plops himself on the couch in just his sweatpants, content to just wait the night out, and wait for Felix to come home — business as usual.

The only explanation he comes up with is that he went out with Wooyoung.

Which means they’re still very much a thing, and Chan is so very, very dumb.

Of course they’re still a thing — why wouldn’t they be? Wooyoung is fun, and lively, and kind, and all the things Chan tries hard to be but isn’t. He isn’t afraid of getting close to Felix and ruining his life in the process.

He’s still sitting on the couch and catastrophizing his life when Felix comes home only ten minutes later, and Chan’s abject misery leaves him, instantly replaced with confusion.

“Felix?” Chan calls, standing to meet him at the opening of the hallway.

Felix looks up at him, blinking, eyes wide. “Oh. Hyung.”

He sounds breathless, and his eyes are staring somewhere below Chan’s face.

Chan remembers with sudden clarity — he didn’t put a shirt on.

“Oh,” Chan fumbles, reaching for one of his hoodies on the hook in the hallway, throwing it on quickly. “Sorry, I uh, I didn’t think you’d be back so soon.”

Felix blinks, still focused on Chan’s now covered torso. His cheeks are slightly pink, along with the tip of his nose. “I-I said I’d be right back.”

Chan smiles, sheepish. “I know, I just — sorry. Sorry, I didn’t mean to. What, um. Where’d you go?”

Felix’s gaze slowly returns to Chan’s face, and then he smiles wide, lifting up the full plastic bags in each of his hands, shaking them a little. The logo on the bag is the same as the convenience store down the block.

“Surprise!” Felix cheers, “I got us snacks!”

Chan blinks, then laughs softly. “You got us a lot of snacks, I see.”

Felix’s smile doesn’t leave him as he brings his horde to the kitchen, setting the bags down on the counter and unloading everything one by one. “I figured we deserved a little bit of a treat. Plus, I was craving something salty and sweet, and it felt rude to just get snacks for myself. I tried to grab the stuff you like — I picked based on the snacks I see in your office all the time, but if there’s anything else you like, let me know and I can get it for you next time.”

Chan’s never surprised at Felix’s generosity, his thoughtfulness. He’s such an angel, Chan’s angel, in every sense of the word.

“Thank you, Lix,” Chan says, resting a careful hand on Felix’s shoulder. “That’s really sweet of you.”

Felix’s flush gets deeper beneath his freckles. “Ah hyung, it’s nothing, really. I’m happy to.”

He hands Chan an ice cream bar before taking a popsicle for himself. Chan smiles, gesturing with his head towards the couch.

They settle in and Chan hands Felix the remote, lets him resume the Pixar movie they started the other night. It’s one that Chan’s pretty sure Jisung forced him and Minho to watch about a dozen times. Chan doesn’t complain, though, too content at the idea that Felix is home with him after all, and that he chose to go out only so he could bring back a sweet surprise for Chan.

It makes him wonder…could…could Hannah be right?

He doesn’t want to poke the bear, but he feels like he needs to at least try.

“What’s Wooyoung doing tonight?” He asks, taking a big bite of his ice cream bar immediately after so he doesn’t take his words back.

Felix simply licks at his ice cream, his eyes still on the screen when he says, “Huh?”

Chan swallows, repeating the question, albeit a little quieter now, mostly out of fear. He’s not afraid of Felix, he’s just afraid of what his answer might be.

Felix shrugs absentmindedly. “Oh, I don’t know.” Chan frowns.

Felix…doesn’t seem to care about where Wooyoung is, or what he’s doing.

He smiles at something on the screen, reaching out to tap Chan’s thigh. “Hyung hyung, watch, this is my favorite part.”

Chan watches on the screen as Luca and Alberto scarf down their pesto pasta with their bare hands, and Felix giggles, his body relaxing back into the couch cushions. There’s nothing that Chan can do other than to watch Felix with a fond and hopelessly devoted smile.

He takes in the sight of Felix’s freckles, the pink behind them as he flushes, the crinkles near his eyes, the way his pretty, pink, soft lips stretch over pearly white teeth, his laughter echoing in Chan’s skull.

It hit Chan with echoing clarity and dread in that moment — he loves Felix. He knew it already, knew what he was feeling was only growing stronger with time, but there’s no way around it now. He loves Felix, and he wants to be able to have more than just this. More than moments on the couch, nights waiting for Felix to come home.

But…he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to have it, if that’s ever going to be in the cards for him. Truthfully, he’s not sure if he deserves it, either.

Felix turns to Chan then, his smile still so wide before it falls, just the slightest. Chan feels a lump of guilt form in his throat then, feeling thoroughly caught.

“Hyung,” Felix says quietly. He leans forward, reaching a hand out and swiping his thumb at Chan’s bottom lip. Chan stiffens, shocked by the delicate touch, watching helplessly as Felix looks at his thumb, where a smear of vanilla ice cream rests. He expects Felix to wipe it away, maybe wipe it on Chan’s own sweatpants, or on the couch cushion, maybe grab a tissue from the box on the coffee table and wipe it away.

He does none of those things. Chan watches in complete and total awe as Felix brings his thumb to his lips, sucking the digit into his mouth. His entire focus zeroes in on Felix’s lips, on where they pucker around his thumb, and when they part, he can see the tip of Felix’s tongue retreating from the pad of his finger.

Felix swipes his thumb over his bottom lip before finally resting his hand in his lap. Chan realizes a little too late that his mouth is moving, and his eyes flick up to Felix’s, blinking rapidly.

“— yours is so much sweeter.” He catches the end of Felix’s sentence, and then Felix is reaching his hand out, opening and closing his fingers as if to say ‘gimmie.’

Chan hands him his half eaten ice cream bar on autopilot, taking Felix’s popsicle in return. His brain turns to mush when he watches Felix lick at the same spot Chan’s mouth had been, as if he hadn’t kissed Chan before, as if he doesn’t know what his lips and tongue taste like now.

He tells himself when he licks at Felix’s popsicle that he can taste him there, too. That he can remember what it was like that night when they kissed, when Chan held him and kissed him for the first time.

He tries to ignore the guilt that still rises inside of him — guilt for having feelings for someone like Felix, who’s just sweet and kind and beautiful, more guilt at the thought that Felix is still not an option — and the sugar-sweet popsicle quickly turns sour.

+

Somewhere between a second ice cream bar and the end of the movie, Felix falls asleep.

Chan debates waking him, but finds he can’t. It’s like the first time he saw Felix all over again, a sleeping angel on his mediocre couch, but this time, Chan isn’t afraid to look at him.

He’s not afraid to touch him either — well, he is, but not like this — and he carefully scoops Felix into his arms, walking him down the hall toward Felix’s room.

He’s been in here a few times since Felix moved in. Where Minho was all dark wood, dark fabrics, and strong scents, Felix is the total opposite. The room has white walls on light flooring as it is, and Felix’s things compliment it all with light wood, light fabrics, and a soft scent coating the air. His gaming computer is off, keyboard and mouse strewn about his desk, and his backpack sits on the floor near his closet, opened with his water bottle hanging out precariously.

Chan’s careful as he bends to undo the covers just enough to lay Felix down before tucking him in, making sure he’s comfortable before he goes about cleaning up a little. He puts Felix’s keyboard and headphones back in place, double checks that Felix’s phone is plugged in, then grabs his water bottle so he can bring it to the kitchen, fill it up and put it in the fridge so it’s nice and cold.

He doesn’t make it two steps before Felix is muttering something, and Chan turns toward the bed. Felix’s eyes are closed, but he’s got a hand extended out, waving it around like he’s looking for something.

Chan steps forward, resting his free hand in Felix’s.

“Lix?”

Felix hums sleepily. “G’night, Channie.”

Chan laughs softly. “Goodnight, Lixie. Sweet dreams.”

“Love you.”

Chan’s heart leaps into his throat.

That…

That doesn’t mean what Chan wants it to mean, is what he convinces himself. Felix is sleepy and in a sweet mood, that’s all.

“Love you too, Lix,” Chan manages to choke out anyway, because he can’t just say nothing in return. Not to Felix.

He shuts Felix’s bedroom door behind him with his heart in his throat, hands shaking, and what he imagines to be the faint taste of Felix on his lips.

+

Chan buys Felix a birthday present.

It’s technically a happy coincidence. He’d told Hyunjin he was going out shopping with the intention of buying something small for Jisung and something small for Seungmin, too, and asked for his advice for gift ideas. Hyunjin had been helpful, and just before he left Chan’s office, told him, “Don’t forget to pick up something for Felix, too!”

When Hyunjin had stared at him after Chan remained silent, he simply smirked. “Hyung, don’t tell me you didn’t know? Felix’s birthday is the day after Jisung’s.”

He stares at the gift for a long time, even after he’s wrapped it and taped his sealed card to the top, tucked under the bright blue bow. It feels…like too much. Not like something a friend gives to a friend, or a roommate gives to another roommate. Chan hides it in his closet, to keep it away from Felix and to also keep himself from overthinking about it. Out of sight, out of mind.

Jisung’s birthday is on a Thursday, so Chan gives him his gift that morning at work. It’s nothing big, really, just a pair of expensive headphones Jisung had mentioned wanting, along with an older digital camera. Minho had said Jisung had been getting into photography lately, so Chan thought it would be nice, and it was, considering Jisung cried for about ten minutes in Chan’s office when he came to say thank you.

For Seungmin, he’d gotten him a nice varsity jacket, and managed to snag some signed baseball merch from his favorite player. He won’t get his gift till next Friday, but at least Chan managed to find it before it got too close.

Felix’s gift was…a little more calculated. And detailed.

He’s nervous when he wakes early that Friday morning. Chan wants to be sure Felix starts his birthday with his favorite — pancakes, and eggs and bacon cooked the way he likes. He’ll be sleeping at Minho and Jisung’s tonight after their birthday party, wanting to celebrate with his birthday twin, so Chan won’t be able to see him, or wish him good night. He wants to make every moment leading up to that as memorable as he can.

Chan debates for two seconds about bringing Felix breakfast in bed. He arranges everything on a tray before he can talk himself out of it. He’s careful and quiet as he lets himself into Felix’s room, setting it on his desk before heading to Felix’s bed and sitting on the edge carefully.

Felix has his blankets tucked under his neck, his hair spread around his pillow, lips turned down into a pout.

“Lix,” he murmurs, running a comforting hand over his arm, brushing stray strands of his hair from around his face.

Felix stirs, makes a soft noise, but doesn’t move. Chan smiles, settling his hand on Felix’s bicep, rubbing his thumb gently.

“Birthday boy,” he tries again, keeping his voice soft and soothing.

Chan watches, captivated, as a slow smile spreads across Felix’s face. He stirs, turning onto his back, stretching his arms high above his head, hands curling into little fists as he yawns. When his arms settle back down, his eyes finally blink open, and he smiles, soft and sweet, when he spots Chan.

“G’morning, hyung.” Felix murmurs. His voice is so deep in the mornings, Chan can’t get enough.

“Happy birthday, Lixie.” Chan keeps his birthday wish quiet, not wanting to disturb the gentle peace of Felix’s morning.

Felix smiles. “Thank you.”

“I brought you something,” Chan stands, grabbing the little tray of food and bringing it over to Felix. He waits till Felix sits up to set the tray over his lap, and Felix gathers his hair behind him, quickly tying it into a little bun.

“Hyung,” Felix’s voice gets a little higher in pitch then, thick with emotion. “You didn’t have to do this for me.”

Chan scoffs. “Of course I did.” He pulls out the icing on the cake — a candle and a lighter from his pocket. He sticks the candle in the center of his pancakes, lighting it quickly. He sings Felix ‘Happy Birthday’ as best as he can. It’s been awhile since he’s actually sung for someone, out loud, but he feels more than hears his nerves, so he considers it a win.

He's shocked when he looks up at Felix, expecting him to make his birthday wish and blow his candle out right away, but finds him staring at Chan in awe. Chan laughs nervously, sitting up a little bit straighter.

“What's wrong?” He asks. “Was it that bad?”

Felix shakes his head, his mouth still parted in soft surprise. “I just — I don’t think I’ve ever heard you sing before now.”

“I sing in the shower all the time,” Chan laughs, trying to keep the moment lighthearted.

“Your voice is beautiful, hyung. Really.”

“Ah, Lix,” Chan shakes his head. “You, uh, you should blow out your candle. Make a wish, and all that.”

Felix blinks at him, staring for just a second longer before his eyes flutter closed. His mouth moves as he says his wish to himself silently. Chan can't make out whatever it is, but he doesn't try to, because he wants whatever Felix wishes for at any point in time, for all time, to always come true. Felix blows his candle out quickly once his wish is done, opening his eyes and smiling softly at Chan. 

“Thank you, hyung.” He reaches out, resting a hand on Chan’s knee. “This is really sweet of you.”

“It’s nothing, Felix. Really. I’m happy to.” Chan rests a hand over Felix’s, squeezing. “Now, would you like orange juice, or tea?” Felix thinks for a moment, then smiles. Chan knows that smile, so he laughs. “Okay, I’ll bring both, since the birthday boy clearly wants both.”

“Will you eat with me, too?” Felix asks, hopeful. “Have breakfast in bed with me?”

Chan hesitates. “It’s your birthday, Lix, you should —”

“I’m the birthday boy,” Felix points out. “And I want you to. We always have breakfast together anyway, don’t we? Why should today be any different?”

And well, Chan can’t exactly argue with that logic. He heads back to the kitchen, grabbing his own breakfast and adding Felix’s tea and juice to the tray. They eat in Felix’s bed, their knees knocking together the entire time. When their plates are clear, Chan smiles.

“Do you want your birthday gift now, or later?”

Felix pouts a little. “Hyung. You got me a gift, too?”

Chan raises a brow. “It’s your birthday, Lix, of course I did.”

He clambers off of Felix’s bed, then, taking the dirty dishes with him as he goes. He brings them to the sink, washing his hands briefly before heading back to his room and grabbing the gift out of the closet.

Chan doesn’t allow himself to overthink it or catastrophize the gift now, either. He carries it straight to Felix’s room, setting it down on the blankets next to him.

Felix’s smile widens then, as he reaches for the card with eager hands.

Chan kept his birthday message to him as simple but as heartfelt as he possibly could. There was so much he could have written in that card, so much he could have said, so much he could have confessed, but chose not to. A birthday was supposed to be about the person whose birthday it was. Chan felt like if he chose Felix a special day to drop truth bombs on him, it wouldn't earn him the reaction he always desired. especially when it was still up in the air as to whether or not Felix was already spoken for.

He stays silent as Felix reads his birthday message, his heart in his throat, and only manages to exhale once Felix looks up at him, his pretty eyes shiny with emotion.

“Happy birthday, Felix.” Chan repeats, helpless to the way that it sounds so full of love and adoration, unable to say anything else.

Felix pushes the tray to the side and practically launches himself at Chan, tackling him to the bed as he wraps him in a tight hug. Chan can feel his tears begin to soak his shirt from where Felix's face rests on his chest, and Felix's arms shake with emotion.

“You’re the best person I know,” Felix says. “Thank you for this.”

Chan wraps his arms around Felix, returning the hug and squeezing him back just as tight. He'll take these moments today, any bit of affection Felix feels generous enough to give on his birthday, a welcome gift of his own. He can't help himself when he presses a kiss to the top of Felix's head.

He doesn't acknowledge what Felix has said, because he doesn't quite feel that it's true, but he also doesn't want to ruin Felix's mood. So instead, he says, “Open your gift, Lixie.”

Felix is slow to untangle himself from Chan, and a little slower to get up. There's a split second where as he's propped above him, Felix just peers down at Chan, his head tilted to the side, his eyes roving over Chan’ face. Chan isn't sure what he's looking for, but since it's his birthday, he lets him look all he wants, content to lay there until Felix decides he's ready for his gift and sits up fully, reaching for the package with excited hands.

He's careful as he removes the bow and undoes the wrapping, even gentler as he undoes the tape around the edges of the gift box before finally lifting the lid. Chan waits with bated breath for his reaction, waits to see on Felix's face exactly what he thinks of Chan’s gift. He's rewarded when Felix's mouth drops open into a little ‘o’ shape, his hands almost shaking as he removes the wrapping and lifts his gift out of the box.

“Chan,” his voice shakes. “You — this is too much, hyung. Why would you — for me?!”

Chan nods. “Of course it’s for you, Felix. It’s your birthday. You deserve it.”

Admittedly, Chan didn't have to work that hard to figure out what to get Felix. He was calculated and detailed in his choice mostly because of the fact that he knew what it meant for Felix to receive a gift like this. He had gotten one from his parents when he was younger, had told Chan that he carried it around everywhere in anywhere until the thing got so beat up and ratty that Felix had to tuck it away in the closet of his bedroom back at his family's home in Sydney. He had said that he wanted to keep it because it was so precious, but he also knew that he wouldn't be able to use it anymore. He had confessed to Chan that anytime he was able to visit his family home, he would open up that closet and take it out just to look at it and enjoy its memory before carefully putting it back again so he didn't tarnish it any further.

It just felt right that Chan could replace it for him.

It's not like Chan can't afford it either. When he walked into Louis Vuitton to buy it, he didn't even bother looking at the price tag. he just asked them if they did personalization at their store, and when they told him that they did, he was very intentional about having Felix's initials branded on the tag that came with the bag, and insisted that they gift wrap it, but place it in a more discreet box as compared to the familiar yellow boxes they were known for.

The bag looks right in Felix's hands. It looks like it belongs there, and not just because Chan bought it for him or because his initials are on the little tag, but because it's Felix. And Felix deserves the entire world, in Chan's eyes.

Felix’s bottom lip wobbles precariously. For a moment, Chan worries that Felix is going to be angry. Instead, Felix launches himself at Chan again, pressing his thanks into Chan's shoulder where he softly cries tears of joy.

“Happy birthday, Lixie,” Chan tells him, wrapping his arms around him once more, running a gentle hand up and down his back.

I love you, he doesn’t say. But he hopes Felix hears it anyway.

+

They go out to a club for Felix, Jisung, and Seungmin’s birthdays that night. Chan called the same club they’d booked for Changbin’s birthday, reserving four VIP sections for all of their friends, company employees, label mates, and for Jisung and Seungmin’s siblings and their friends to tag along.

Chan has designated himself as the sober one once more, content to just park himself on the same barstool as last time and watch, accepting the company of those who choose to hang back or take a moment of rest before returning to the festivities.

Wooyoung is here, this time, along with San and the rest of their performance division. Felix still manages to flit to Chan’s side every now and again, chatting with him before heading back out to the dance floor, or over to the bar to get another drink. Chan encourages him to drink water each time Felix comes to visit him, and Felix accepts each glass with a smile and a sweet, “Thank you, Channie.”

It's not until a little later in the night that Changbin and Minho come back to the section, worried looks all over their faces.

Chan stands immediately. “What’s wrong?”

“Hyunjin and Jisung went to the bathroom like twenty minutes ago,” Changbin frowns. “We can’t find them.”

Chan takes in Minho’s harried appearance and rests a hand on his shoulder. He does a quick scan of the crowd in front of him, spots a head of brown hair, and beelines straight for it, instructing Minho to stay put.

Chan pushes through the crowd, keeping his eyes on Jisung’s head the entire way until he finally reaches him. He places a gentle hand on Jisung’s shoulder, and Jisung startles just a little, turning and smiling when he sees it’s Chan.

“Hyung!” Jisung exclaims, throwing his arms around Chan’s neck. “You found me! I was so scared, I thought I got lost!”

Chan laughs fondly, steering them back in the direction of their section. “I can see that, Sungie. It’s okay, hyung found you. I’m gonna bring you back to Minho now, okay?”

“No, wait!” Jisung tries to dig his feet into the ground, but it doesn’t work, and Chan ends up dragging him for a couple of steps until he resumes walking on his own. “I lost Hyunjin! We were on our way back from the bathroom!”

“I know, Jisung,” Chan pats him on the shoulder, “I’m gonna go find him next. I swear.”

They reach a break in the crowd and beeline toward their section, and Chan walks Jisung the entire way until they reach the couch where Changbin and Minho are sitting. Minho’s arm shoots out, grabbing hold of Jisung and yanking him into his lap.

Changbin frowns, mouth opening to ask about Hyunjin, but Chan beats him to it. “I’m gonna go get him, Bin. I’ll be right back.”

Chan heads back out into the crowd, pushing his way through throngs of people while cataloging for the rest of their group. He spots Felix easily — blonde hair, bright smile, an angelic aura around him — and notes others from the performance division dancing with him, including Wooyoung. San is there, too, and he spots Seungmin and Jeongin in the midst of them as well, which alleviates some of Chan’s worry.

He makes a mental note of their general whereabouts before continuing on, heading towards the bathrooms where he finally spots Hyunjin. He’s resting against the wall at the mouth of the hallway toward the restrooms, eyes closed as he hums to himself.

“Hyunjin?” Chan can’t fight the way the concern bleeds into his voice, shaking Hyunjin by the shoulders.

Hyunjin blinks his eyes open, a little shocked until he recognizes Chan’s face. “Hyung! What are you doing here?”

Oh god. He’s wasted.

“We’re all here for the birthday boys, remember?” Chan squeezes his shoulders.

Hyunjin nods, eyes getting wider as his memory comes back. “That’s right! We are, and I — oh! I’m waiting for Jisung to get out of the bathroom, actually.”

Chan laughs, shaking his head. “He’s already out, Hyunjin. He got lost looking for you.”

Hyunjin’s brow furrows. “He’s lost?!”

“No no no,” Chan sighs internally. “He’s fine, he’s with Minho now, back at our section. We should get you back there, too, yeah?”

Chan pulls him upright, rests a hand on his back to start guiding him back there, but Hyunjin’s head swivels. “Wait, what about Felix? And Seungmin?”

“They’re fine, they’re dancing with the rest of your team.” Chan tries to push Hyunjin into walking, but he’s deceptively strong, and he doesn’t move. Chan sighs, moving in front of him and grabbing Hyunjin’s hand gently, pulling him toward their section. They make it two feet before Hyunjin pulls his hand back, making a noise of protest.

“Hyung.” Hyunjin’s voice is insistent, a little panicked.

Chan turns to Hyunjin, taking in the funny look on his face and frowning. “What is it?”

Hyunjin stares right at him when he says, “Felix loves you, you know.”

“You’re drunk.” Chan scoffs, shaking his head. “C’mon, let’s go find the others.”

Hyunjin resists when Chan tries to gently grab his elbow, resting his hands on Chan’s shoulders and squeezing. “I’m serious. Felix is so so so into you. He likes you so much, you have no idea. He talks about you all the time.”

“I love Felix, too.” Chan says with a nod, his chest aching, cracking, and splintering.

Where the fuck is this coming from? Why is Hyunjin saying this? Why now?

“Not like that,” Hyunjin insists, rolling his eyes. “I mean that he's in love with you. He’s obsessed.”

A sour ball starts to form in Chan’s gut. “Hyunjin.”

“He’s always asking Jisung and I about you. Minho hyung, too. The day he moved in with you? He talked to Minho hyung for over an hour while we were unpacking and you were at work to ask about the kind of foods you like to eat, so he can cook for you sometimes. Even if he’s kind of bad at it and it wouldn’t taste the same as Minho’s. Felix wanted to try for you.”

The ache in Chan’s chest that’s been there since he first laid eyes on Felix has grown, and now it implodes, leaving a gaping crater behind. “Hyunjin, you don’t —”

“You love him too, don’t you? Like that. You got him such a sweet birthday gift. You take care of him. He tells me, you know. When you do nice things. Plus, I see the way you look at Felix. You love him like Changbin loves me.”

Chan blinks. He knew Hyunjin had an idea of how Changbin felt — it was too obvious, there was no way he didn’t — but he didn’t realize Hyunjin knew the true extent of it.

Chan wishes he could be honest with Hyunjin and say that his feelings about Felix were that simple. But they’re not. The way Changbin loves Hyunjin is normal, picturesque and tooth-rooting, the kind that aims for a white picket fence and a mortgage and vacations twice a year on some sunny island in the Pacific.

The way Chan loves Felix is nothing like that at all.

It’s everything he’s been warned about, everything his exes have told him that he is, the things they’ve said his love is like. There’s no denying it’s the truth, anymore. It is suffocating and heavy. It is the sticky and leftover residue that you cannot get rid of no matter how hard you scrub. It’s the ever-lingering heat in the air in the dead of summer.

He loves Felix in the way that he wants to never let him go.

Chan loves Felix in a way that’s beginning to scare himself. Chan knows that it means that if this is the reality where what Hyunjin is saying is true, if Chan actually has a chance, then his sticky, cloying love could drown Felix, could suffocate and smother him the way it has done to others in the past.

And Felix doesn’t deserve that kind of love.

Chan wishes he loved softer. Wishes his love wasn’t so intense. He’s prayed countless times since Felix has come into his life to a God he hasn’t believed in in years to make his love something delicate, something he can present to the right person and that they’ll accept. He wishes it was as light as a feather instead of as sharp as a blade.

That’s the kind of love Felix deserves. Something as lovely and as gentle and as wonderful as he is. A kind of love fit for an angel. The kind of love he can smile about, the kind that he can be proud of. The kind he can gush about to his closest friends. The kind that he can talk about with his family. A kind he can tell his future children about.

Chan can’t give him that.

Never mind if Chan would spend every waking minute of his existence trying, if he would crawl to the ends of the earth on battered and bruised skin to make Felix smile for even a second, that he would do anything to make his love worthy for Felix.

It would all be fruitless.

If there’s anything that living with Felix has taught him, anything that his dreams have taught him, it’s that he doesn’t deserve Felix. That Felix, his beautiful angel, his patron saint, deserves far, far better than Chan can ever offer him.

It hurts, but what would hurt Chan more is knowing that he hurt Felix. To know that Felix thinks of him the same way his exes do.

So, whether Hyunjin’s telling the truth or not doesn’t matter. What matters is that Chan can already feel himself clinging to hope, and he needs to fling himself off the cliff instead of gripping onto the edge for dear life.

“You’re drunk,” Chan repeats to Hyunjin. “Let’s get you back to Changbin.”

Hyunjin doesn’t protest this time when Chan gently grabs his elbow, guiding him back over to their section where Changbin, Minho, and Jisung are still sitting. Hyunjin plops down next to Changbin unceremoniously, his head immediately falling onto Changbin’s shoulder, eyes falling shut with a blissful smile on his face.

“Is Felix still sleeping at yours?” Chan asks Minho, fumbling in his pockets for his phone, his heart threatening to beat out of his ribcage.

Minho nods, but raises a brow. “Yeah, why?”

Chan sends off a text, then searches for his keys. “Family emergency.” The lie rolls off of his tongue with ease, just like the guilt that seeps into his veins. “I have to go. Are you going to be okay with everyone? Making sure they all get home?”

“Of course I will be,” Minho assures, brows furrowed in concern. “What’s going on?”

Changbin sits up straighter, careful not to jostle Hyunjin. “Is everything good?”

“Yeah,” Chan nods, wrapping his fingers around the metal of his keys, letting the spikes and ridges dig into his palms, letting the pain center him. “It’s good. I’ve got it.”

“Text us if you need us,” Minho insists. “You know we’ll be there in a heartbeat.”

Chan nods his affirmation, turning on his heels and heading straight for the entrance of the club, not looking back once. He doesn’t bother searching out the others to say goodbye either, knowing if he makes his rounds but avoids Felix, they’ll question him for sure.

He curses to himself when he opens the door to his car and Felix’s cologne immediately fills his senses, and the second the car starts, he rolls the windows down, completely ignoring the night’s chill.

It’s like he moves on autopilot as he heads home, parks, and then heads up the elevator. Chan doesn’t check his phone again until he’s in his bedroom and his duffle bag is on his bed, open and waiting for his next move.

hannah

of course you’re welcome to stay with me

is everything okay though?

thought you were going out tonight for felix’s birthday

me

I was out

Everything’s fine

Just need a breather

hannah

okay, if you say so

you know where the spare key is

i’ll stay up till you get here

me

Thanks

Be there in 10

Chan pockets his phone and heads to his closet, grabbing enough clothes for at least a week, figures that will be enough time for him to get his head screwed on straight.

He leaves a note on the whiteboard on the fridge for Felix to find in the morning — “Gone to my sister’s, family emergency, be back when I can.”

Chan keeps it simple so that it won’t worry him unnecessarily, not when he’s doing all of this to save Felix from him in the first place.

When he’s on the road, and when the distance between himself and Felix is wide enough, Chan feels like he can breathe again. The crater in his chest is still there, the overwhelming weight of his desire still exists, but neither of those things are close enough to Felix, he isn’t close enough to Felix, which means Felix is safe.

He feels guilty, doing this on Felix’s birthday, but…he doesn’t know what else to do.

He pulls into Hannah’s neighborhood, parking in the driveway of her little townhouse. He finds the loose brick easily, procuring her spare key and letting himself in, ridding himself of his shoes and leather jacket at the door.

Hannah’s on the couch when he makes his way into the living room, a steaming mug in her hand and another one on the coffee table in front of her. There’s a worried furrow in her brow when she takes in Chan’s demeanor.

“What happened?” She asks quietly once he sits down, resting his bag on the floor by his feet.

Chan shakes his head. “Felix.” He murmurs.

“Did he reject you?” She asks, shock etched into her features.

“No,” Chan almost laughs. “No, he still has no idea how I feel.”

She frowns. “Chris, you —”

“Hyunjin told me that Felix is in love with me.”

“That’s great!” She says, shoving at his arm. “Isn’t it? Isn’t that what you wanted?”

Chan shrugs. He’s not so sure anymore. “I guess it is.”

“You guess? Why are you here? Why aren’t you with him?” Her concern almost hurts worse.

Chan’s almost ashamed to answer. “I still haven’t figured it out yet. The balance. How to be enough for him. And besides, he’s still with Wooyoung. Kind of? I think. I don’t…I don’t want to risk it.”

Hannah’s quiet as she looks at him. Chan knows she’s trying to figure out what to do next, how she can help him, how she can try to troubleshoot. She seems to think it can wait till morning, because instead of saying anything, she hands him the mug on the coffee table, then turns on Netflix, queueing up some action movie Chan’s seen a thousand times.

They watch the movie together, and Chan finds that as the time passes, his worry and the ache in his chest start to slowly fade, growing numb and quiet. Hannah eventually goes to bed, and Chan grabs his bag, heads down the hall to the guest room. He goes through the motions of showering and changing on autopilot, and when he climbs into bed, he welcomes the way his bones settle and ache in his body.

It isn’t until Chan’s minutes from sleep that he’s startled by his phone vibrating on the nightstand. He searches for it blindly, only cracking an eye open enough to find the green answer button before he’s pressing it to his ear.

“Hello?” His voice is sleep rough, more exhausted than he expected it to sound.

“Hyung?”

His eyes are flying open then, exhaustion out the window as he sits upright. “Felix?”

“Hi, hyung,” Felix says shyly. “I wanted to make sure you were okay. Minho said you had a family emergency. Is it Hannah? Is everything okay?”

Chan hates himself for lying to him. “Yeah, it is. She’s okay, but I figured it would be good for me to stay with her for a bit.”

“I completely understand.” Felix’s sincerity almost breaks Chan in half. Is this his punishment? Is this what he gets for falling for an angel? “You don’t have to give me the details. I hope she’s okay, and if there’s anything I can do to help, please tell me.”

“I appreciate that, Lix.” Chan says quietly. He can’t help the nickname slipping through.

“Of course, Channie,” Felix says, too fond and too sweet. It makes Hyunjin’s words run through Chan’s mind, makes him question if they’re really the truth. “You know I’d do anything for you, hyung, right?”

The crater becomes a sinkhole, the thick syrup of Chan’s devotion filling it like a cesspit. “I know, Lix. I do. Are you at Minho and Jisung’s?”

“Yeah, we just got in, so I wanted to call you right away.”

Chan makes a small noise of protest. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know, but I wanted to. Told you, I wanted to make sure you were okay.” Felix insists. “I’m sorry if I woke you up, though.”

Chan shakes his head, even if Felix can’t see him. “You didn’t, not really. I wasn’t sleeping yet.”

“Oh, well that’s good.” Felix sighs. He sounds relieved, happy. “I mean, it's not good that you weren’t sleeping yet. Just…when you left, you didn’t say goodbye to me? I know it was an emergency, and I know I’m probably being silly, but you didn’t say goodbye, so we didn’t get to say good night to each other.”

That surprises Chan, just a little.

“I’m so sorry Lix,” Chan says, genuine. There’s anguish in his veins now, at the idea of disappointing his beautiful angel, of disrupting his routine, of hurting him unintentionally. “I didn’t mean to, I just got caught up and—”

“You don’t need to apologize, hyung.” Felix laughs. It sounds like little bells. “I told you, I understand. I just wanted to make sure I got to say it to you. I’d be sad if I didn’t.”

“I’m glad you called,” Chan says. It feels as close to a confession as he can get. “I’d be sad if I didn’t get to say it to you, too.”

Felix laughs again, softer this time. “I’ll let you go back to bed, then. Make it worth it.”

“Okay,” Chan says. He’s surprised by the sudden onslaught of tears that brim in his eyes, the way his throat gets thick. “Happy birthday, Felix.”

“Thank you, Channie hyung.” His angel says in return. “It was such a good day, thanks to you. Promise that you’ll call me tomorrow, okay? Or text me. Whatever time, it doesn’t matter, I mean it.”

“I will,” he swears. It doesn’t matter if Felix is only saying this because he’s concerned about Hannah, a worry caused by Chan’s lies in the first place. Chan will do it, even if it fills the cesspit of his soul to the brim, even if it kills him, it’s the one promise he can keep. “I will, Lix.”

“I know,” Felix says. “Good night.”

“Good night.”

Hanging up feels like cutting off a limb.

Chan goes to bed with the ache in his chest and a new ache in his bones, the distance between him and Felix suddenly too much to bear.

Even if he’s the one who put it there.

He’s safer this way, he tries to convince himself. He’s safer from you this way.

+

Chan only means for this to go on for a few days. A week, at most.

But when he’s been at Hannah’s for six days, he begins to wonder if this was the right choice, because it had only seemed to make things worse.

He figured that Felix would be happy about having the apartment to himself, that he might be happier without Chan hovering, without his presence and longing and overall being. He thought Felix would go out more, be with Wooyoung every day, enjoy his freedom.

As promised, Chan called him on the first official day at Hannah’s to tell Felix that he was okay, and that Hannah was okay, and that he would be home once things evened out.

What Chan anticipated to happen from there was that Felix would take his answer at face value and just go about his day normally, that he wouldn’t care about Chan’s absence all that much and just…keep going.

What actually happened was that Felix took his answer at face value, but Felix noticed Chan’s absence, and made it clear to Chan, and to Hannah, that he didn’t like it.

Which.

Combined with Hyunjin’s drunken confession, it had begun to stir up more hope in Chan’s gut, and it was getting harder each day to get rid of it. That hope sprouted and spread like wild mint in a garden. Every time Chan made it another day without Felix, each day that passed where he was so sure he pulled out all of his hope by the roots and could start anew, he would wake up the next day with twice as much as the day before.

Cut off one head of hope, two more grow back in its place.

What made it worse was that Chan knew Felix was being wholly truthful. He missed Chan. He would say as much when Felix was the one to call first and check in.

“I don’t like being here without you, hyung.” Felix had said to him on the third morning while he got ready for work. “It’s too big of a space when you’re not here.”

“I’m sorry, Lix.” Chan had said. He would never stop being sorry for the things he put Felix through. “I promise I’ll try to be home as soon as I can.”

Felix had sighed. “No, it’s fine, really. It’s for Hannah, and I know I’m being selfish. I think it’s just the first time since I’ve moved in that you’ve been gone for more than a night. I guess I’m just not used to it.”

“You could go spend some time with Wooyoung.” Chan suggests.

Felix snorts. “Woo’s busy.”

“Oh. Well. Why don’t you go and sleep at Hyunjin’s place? Or Jisung?” Chan had suggested, trying to think of how to make things better, how to fix the problem he’d created for his angel.

His angel made an unhappy noise. “I don’t want to.”

“What about Minho? Or Changbin?” Felix made a little “uh-uh” noise, and Chan fumbled. “I think Seungmin and Jeongin would be happy to see you.”

“No,” Felix had said, a little whiny, a little firm, and Chan could imagine the pout on his adorable face. “I saw plenty of them at the club the other night and I spend enough time with them at work. I’d rather just hang out with you when you get home.”

“I’m sorry Felix,” Chan said again. “I promise I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

He just had to get over Felix before that happened.

It hurt — knowing Chan couldn’t help him in this until he fixed himself. It hurt him that Felix hated being alone in their apartment and he was not interested in occupying that time he didn’t have with Chan with any of their other friends. It hurt him to know that Felix didn’t want to be around Jisung, or Hyunjin. He wasn’t interested in spending time with Seungmin, or Jeongin, had no desire to be near Minho or Changbin, no interest in being around Wooyoung, his boyfriend — he only wanted Chan.

And it hurt Chan because he wanted that, too. But not for the same reasons Felix did.

Felix wanted Chan because they were friends, because their friendship had solidified into something wonderful and Felix was still caught up in the newness of it. He had grown attached to Chan — a familiar person from Sydney who understood what it was like to navigate the path Felix was currently on.

Chan was still a fancy new toy to Felix, one that Felix wasn’t ready to give up playing with yet. Normally, on any given day before, Chan would’ve accepted that. He wouldn’t have minded being the thing that kept Felix’s attention during the day and then re-shelved at night.

Except, Chan needed Felix like he needed air to breathe. Chan needed Felix like he needed blood pumping in his veins. Chan needed Felix more than Felix could ever need Chan.

Not that Felix didn’t try to prove him wrong.

Felix called and texted Chan every single day. Not too much that it raised any concern or suspicion on Chan’s end, but enough for Chan to know that Felix missed him, and that Felix was thinking about him, and that he wanted Chan to come home.

And Felix didn’t just check in on Chan, he checked in on Hannah, too.

Hannah had come to him the fourth morning with her phone with a text from Felix.

felix

hi hannah!

channie said you were

doing okay but

i wanted to check in myself

Hannah had responded with something brief, vague enough, general.

yeah! i’m doing okay, thank you for checking in

i appreciate it

felix

is chris doing okay?

he’s doing great! he’s been a big help

i appreciate you letting me borrow him lol

he’s usually the best at helping me handle shit like this

felix

that’s good!

lol of course

he is your brother

just

when you’re ready

please

give him

back to me

:)

Chan stared at Hannah’s phone, reading over Felix’s last words. He tried not to cling to them, tried not to read into it. He could feel the roots of hope taking place and Chan already wanted to rip them out.

He’d looked at Hannah then, keeping his face intentionally blank, and said “It doesn’t mean anything.”

When Hannah took the nearest object — which was thankfully one of her decorative couch pillows — and lobbed it at Chan’s head, he knew he deserved it, so he didn’t even flinch.

“What am I supposed to say to him when he asks me about what my emergency is?” She demanded. “I don’t mind covering for you, and I don’t mind you staying here, and I know that you know Felix better than I do, but you and I both know lying to him is basically an Olympian feat. If we don’t have our stories straight, he’s going to get suspicious. And then what are you going to do? When he finds out you lied to him, and his feelings get hurt?”

Chan let out a groan of frustration, taking the pillow and flinging it to the floor. “I don’t know! I don’t —” He ran a hand through his hair, angry at himself. “I’m just trying to get over him. I know this isn’t the best idea or the right way to do it, but I need to do this.”

“But why.” Hannah insisted. “Why do you need to? You don’t even know how he feels?”

“It doesn’t matter how he feels,” Chan said, voice thick with his inner turmoil. “Not like that. It’s not the same. It’s not the same as the way I feel, and that’s okay. It’s fine that he doesn’t. The issue is about what I’m feeling.”

Hannah looked stricken by his words. “Chris, is this…is this about balance, still? Finding the right way to love someone? Because Felix loves you. He loves you anyway.”

“This is about me.” Chan had insisted. “That’s all.”

His sister had stared at him for a long, uncomfortable moment before she exhaled through her nose and walked away.

She hadn’t brought up Felix since then, but Chan knew he’d still been reaching out to her. When he spoke to Felix on the phone, he would always be sure to ask about Hannah first, how she was doing, if she needed anything, and if there was anything that Felix could do to help before Felix would steer the conversation away and just talk to Chan about anything, everything, and ask when Chan was coming home. Felix had always told Chan he would text Hannah himself, just in case, and Chan just…let him.

He didn’t know what it was that Hannah was telling Felix about what was going on, but it was clear that she was still covering for him. Chan would probably owe her a million favors for the rest of his life.

On the sixth day, at lunch, after Chan gets off the phone with Felix, Hannah points her chopsticks at Chan and says, “You’re going home to him tonight.”

“You’re kicking me out?” He asks, incredulous.

“I am returning you to your owner.” Hannah corrects him. “He needs you, and you need to stop avoiding him. Being here isn’t helping you, it’s just making things worse. You need to talk to him, tell him how you’re feeling.”

“How I feel is what got us in this mess in the first place.” Chan grumbles.

His sister ignores him when she says, “That’s why it’s most important that you stop worrying about a balance.”

“But you said —”

“I know what I said. I have since been presented with new information, and now I’m amending what I said. Let Felix tell you what he needs, or how he wants you both to be. Leaving all of that up to yourself to decide is killing you, Chris. Felix has feelings for you —talking to him every day for the past week has made it very clear to me. I can see it, Hyunjin can see it, hell, practically any one who looks at the two of you for a second can see it. The problem is that you can’t see it. Which means maybe you need to let Felix take over from here.”

Chan doesn’t say anything. Hannah clearly wants to help, and is trying her best, but Chan can only tell her the same thing so many times. He lets everything his sister is saying go in one ear and out the other, because it’s not going to change anything.

Felix doesn’t have feelings for him. He just cares about Chan, and that’s it.

To his sister, so they can stop talking about it, he just nods, says “You’re probably right. I’ll be out in the next couple hours.”

“You don’t have to rush, just…be home in time for dinner with him.” Hannah insists.

+

Chan had gotten a text from Jisung after lunch saying that Felix was going out with him and Hyunjin for the evening, so when Chan gets back to the apartment a little before dinner, he expects it to be empty. He expects there to be some of Felix’s socks strewn about the carpet, a hoodie draped over one of the dining chairs, and a message from Felix on the white board on the fridge detailing his whereabouts.

Instead, he gets a surprise.

The first thing that hits him is the smell of something delicious in the kitchen. It almost stops Chan in his tracks, but he manages to take off his shoes, and leaves his bag near the door. In the few steps it takes him to reach the kitchen, he can already see further into the open concept floor plan, and can see the living room is practically spotless.

“Channie hyung!”

The excited voice catches him off guard, but he recovers in time to see the blur of blonde hair that comes barreling right at him, opening his arms at the last second to catch Felix in his embrace.

Felix collides with Chan’s body with a soft “oof!” and his entire frame seems to relax once Chan loops his arms around him. He tucks his face into Chan’s neck, sighing “You’re home.”

A shiver fights its way up Chan’s spine. “Hi, sunshine.”

“Hi, hyung,” his angel breathes against his skin, his arms tightening their grip around Chan. “I’m so happy you’re back.”

“Wasn’t even gone for a week.” Chan tries to reason, laughs a little to ease the ache he hears in Felix’s voice.

Felix shakes his head, his hair tickling Chan’s cheek. “Too long. Is Hannah doing better?”

“She’s good.” Chan says. It’s a half-truth — she’s good, but she was never really not doing good in the first place. “Thought you were out with Jisung and Hyunjin?”

“I was,” Felix admits, pulling back enough to look Chan in the eyes. “But when Hannah told me you were coming home, I left. I wanted to be sure I was here when you got back.”

“You didn’t have to.” Chan insists. “You should spend time with them.”

“Don’t wanna,” Felix shrugs, squeezing at Chan’s shoulders. “I missed you, you know.”

“I missed you, too, Lix.” Chan admits. The confession doesn’t hurt — there’s a truth to it that’s innocent enough, one that saves him from tainting Felix.

“Are you hungry? Did you eat already?” Felix fusses, rubbing his hands over Chan’s biceps.

Chan smiles. “I haven’t eaten since lunch.”

Felix’s answering smile is so bright. “Then step into my office.”

Chan follows him into the kitchen. He’s immediately surprised at the spread there — usually when Felix cooks, it’s mostly western dishes, but there’s only Korean food on the kitchen island, and in the large pot on the stove.

“Surprise,” Felix says, a bit sheepish. “I um, I asked Minho what your favorite Korean dishes were, and he taught me how to make some of them when you were away. The banchan is admittedly all him, but the bossam, jjigae, and japchae I managed on my own.”

Hannah’s voice echoes in Chan’s head.

He likes you, you idiot.

Chan pushes it away.

“It looks really good, Lix. Thank you, you didn’t have to do this for me, though.”

Felix pouts a little. “Of course I did. Now sit,” Felix instructs, shoving Chan towards the barstools on the other side of the kitchen island.

Chan obeys. He doesn’t really know what else to do. Felix brings over the pot of what looks like kimchi jjigae, then two bowls of steaming hot rice, and a little dish with kim. Felix dishes out food for the both of them, which feels wrong, but Felix is clearly on a mission, so Chan just lets it happen.

They eat in a comfortable silence. Felix’s socked feet tap Chan’s every now and again, smiling at him when they make contact. Chan can only smile back.

He’s playing footsies with you! Hannah’s voice screams in his head.

It means nothing. Chan reminds himself. Felix is just kind. It means nothing.

+

They don’t go out to the club again for Seungmin’s birthday, but they do gather for dinner.

It’s just the eight of them — Chan, Minho, Changbin, Hyunjin, Jisung, Felix, Seungmin, and Jeongin — in a private room at the sushi restaurant Seungmin likes the most. Chan gives Seungmin his gift, doesn’t mind when Seungmin accepts it and pretends not to be affected by it, even though Chan can see him vibrating beneath his skin with excitement.

Minho’s driving Chan and Felix home, so Chan indulges a little, nursing a couple beers and a glass of Japanese whisky.

Felix and Jisung split a bottle of plum wine between the two of them, but when Jisung ends up tapping out after two glasses, Felix is left to finish the bottle. Felix and Chan sit next to each other the entire dinner, and when the alcohol makes Felix loose and happy, he’s practically all over Chan. He leans into his side, rests a hand on Chan’s thigh, moves his chair closer so their thighs touch. He even feeds Chan a few pieces of sushi by hand, to which Hyunjin and Minho send Chan a look for.

He ignores them both. As long as he complies and Felix is happy, then that’s all that matters.

They’re both a little tipsy by the time Minho brings them home.

Chan heads straight for his room, wanting to get out of his clothes and into the shower, try to sober up a little more before bed. He only manages to make it out of his shirt, tossing it into the hamper in the corner of his room when he hears a small noise from behind him.

He turns toward the door, jumping a little in surprise when he finds Felix standing there.

“Lix?” He asks, face twisting in concern. “You okay?”

Felix nods wordlessly, his face flushed. His eyes aren’t on Chan’s face as he steps into his room, padding towards Chan, reaching for his shoulder when he’s close enough.

Chan stiffens. Felix steps even closer into his space, until there’s barely any room between them.

“Lix?” He asks again, quieter this time. “What’s —”

Felix’s lips are on his faster than Chan can blink, swallowing down the rest of Chan’s question. His arms circle around Chan’s neck, pulling him closer as Felix pushes his body forward, deepening the kiss. Felix tastes like plum wine and the strawberry mochi ice cream he had for dessert. It satiates Chan’s sweet tooth, makes him chase after his mouth for more.

His hands find Felix’s waist, gripping tight as he walks himself backwards towards his bed. He takes a seat, lets Felix straddle his lap, slowly leans back and scoots them up until they’re among the pillows. His mouth doesn’t leave Felix’s for a single second.

Is this real? Chan thinks. Is this happening?

Felix turns them so they’re on their sides, throwing a leg over Chan’s hip, grinding forward. It’s a rush, then, for Chan to strip Felix of his clothes and for Felix to help Chan get rid of his pants. They’re a blur of kisses and soft moans and gentle touches until they’re finally naked, tangled under the covers.

Does he sound like this for his boyfriend? Chan wonders. Does Wooyoung make him happy like this?

Felix clenches around his fingers, gasping into Chan’s mouth as he tries his best to open Felix up gently, taking his sweet time, his other hand wrapped around his cock and stroking in time with his fingers. He wants Felix to feel every second of this, to enjoy it, to remember the way Chan treats him.

I would do this for you all the time, if you were mine. Chan wants to say. I would kiss you, please you, touch you any way you wanted.

“Like this?” Chan murmurs against his lips. “Feels good?”

Felix nods, his hands cupping Chan’s face. “So good — please don’t stop.”

I’d never stop, if you let me love you. Chan thinks, sucking a bruise into Felix’s collarbone.

When he slides inside of Felix for the first time, Chan’s cesspit dries up completely. A new sinking feeling settles into his bones — Guilt, the red-handed kind — but he pushes it to the back of his mind, forcing himself to focus on the here and now.

Here and now — where Felix is moaning Chan’s name, little breathless noises punched out of his mouth with every thrust of Chan’s hips, swallowed down by Chan’s mouth, his body soothed with Chan’s gentle hands.

When Felix comes, he paints Chan’s torso, crying out and dragging Chan’s face to his to kiss him breathless. It’s all Chan can do to hold on to the moment for dear life, kissing Felix back with every ounce of love and devotion he’s felt since the very moment he first laid eyes on him, punching his hips forward and fucking Felix through his orgasm until Chan’s own finally crashes over him like a tidal wave.

Felix’s ankles lock at the small of his back, keeping him there, and Chan spills deep inside of Felix, gasping against his mouth, feeling nothing but pride as Felix’s nails dig into his shoulder, leaving little kitten scratches in his wake. Chan pushes away the guilt that tries to surface then, choosing instead to feel pride. He’s earned those scratches, earned the way Felix pulls him close and tangles their legs together as they settle into the mattress.

Pride is what lulls Chan to sleep.

+

Guilt wakes Chan before the sun even rises.

He peels his naked body away from Felix’s, quiet as he extracts himself from his own bed, making sure Felix remains asleep. He throws on a pair of sweatpants and makes his way out into the living room, sinking onto the couch and putting his head in his hands.

For all the times he makes self-deprecating jokes about how he’s a garbage human, he’s actually become one, now.

It’s not because he’s slept with Felix, it’s that Felix is not his. Felix is the love of Chan’s life, but he’s not Chan’s boyfriend. Felix is Wooyoung’s boyfriend, and Chan just slept with Felix, anyway.

Chan tainted Felix, tainted the angel that he is, and turned him into an unfaithful partner.

There is nothing about this that is going to be redeemable. His friends are going to tell him he’s an idiot and a few of them might even stop speaking to him altogether. He deserves it, he knows. It would be an appropriate punishment.

This is exactly why his greed is a horrific, terrifying thing.

+

When Felix eventually wakes later that morning, Chan is cooking breakfast.

Pancakes. It’s all he has to offer.

He can’t do anything else.

Felix is happy — all soft smiles, even softer touches when he wraps his arms around Chan’s waist from behind.

“Good morning, Channie.” Felix’s low rumble sends shivers down Chan’s spine. It’s the only thing that keeps Chan from stiffening at his touch.

Chan still frowns, though, turning in Felix’s arms. Felix is smiling so bright until he sees Chan’s face.

“Chris?” He asks softly, scared.

Chan’s hands shake as he brings them to Felix’s face, cupping his cheek in one palm, gently brushing his hair out of his face with the others. “Are you okay?”

Felix’s eyes are wide as he scans over Chan’s face. “I’m great, actually. You?”

“You’re not sore?” Chan checks, ignoring Felix’s question. “I wasn’t too…rough? With you?”

“No,” Felix smiles, little pink tongue poking out of his mouth and wetting his bottom lip. “I feel fine. Amazing, even.”

Chan can’t help the smile that crosses his own lips, then. Felix’s happiness is infectious, so much so that he can’t let himself stew in his own bullshit. He doesn’t want to ruin Felix’s good mood, doesn’t want Felix to have to face his own indiscretions.

Chan’s indiscretions. Chan will take blame for this, if he has to. If there has to be anyone to blame.

+

Chan’s birthday approaches quietly.

For the most part, things go back to normal. Work is the same, their routines are the same, Felix still goes out every now and again with Wooyoung. He and Felix don’t sleep together again, and Chan doesn’t bring it up.

The only thing that does change is that Felix’s physical affection towards Chan increases almost tenfold. He doesn’t kiss Chan, but he hugs him a lot more, cuddles against him on the couch, insists on Chan sitting next to him on his office couch when they have lunch together.

Chan just lets it happen. He’s already fucked up once, already made it so Felix has done something he can’t take back. He doesn’t have the heart or the guts to stop him, to sit down and ask him straight up, “What are we doing?”

Felix arranges the plans for Chan’s birthday dinner himself, conspiring with Changbin and Jisung for their input. Chan just asks that they don’t go to a club — it’s not his personal favorite, and he’d rather keep it lowkey — so Felix agrees and sets up a dinner at Chan’s favorite barbecue restaurant.

Seungmin and Jeongin are notably very affectionate, more so than usual, but it’s most likely because of the alcohol. Seungmin pouts a bit when the others tease him, but Jeongin doesn’t seem to mind.

Chan’s just about finished with grilling the last of the meat cuts when Changbin points out, “You’re the only two not coupled up.”

Chan looks up, blinking. Changbin’s pointing at him and Felix, where they sit together near the head of the table.

“Are you feeling left out?” Jisung teases. “Missing out on all the love?”

Felix sniffs. “I love Channie hyung plenty enough, thank you very much.”

Chan’s heart pounds hard in his chest. He ignores it, and distributes more meat among their plates.

“Does he?” Jeongin teases, looking at Chan. “Is it enough?”

It could be particles of dust, and it would be more than enough, so long as it’s from Felix, he thinks.

Chan smiles, nodding. “It’s plenty.”

“See?!” Felix points at Chan, levelling the group with a threatening gaze. “Channie hyung is well loved at home.”

“I don’t know,” Changbin singsongs, standing from his seat and slowly approaching Felix. Jisung mirrors him, slowly making his way to Chan’s side.

“We’ll just have to make sure of it!” Jisung shouts like a war cry.

Changbin pretends to press dozens of kisses to Felix’s cheek while Jisung does the same to Chan’s. Felix shouts his protests, shoving at Changbin’s chest, even though he’s giggling like crazy. Hyunjin is giggling, too, and Chan dodges Jisung’s faux attempts easily, Minho smiling and shaking his head at them both. Chan smiles, endeared by all the theatrics.

“If Felix wasn’t completely in love with Chan,” he hears Seungmin tell Jisung as he and Changbin sit back down, “you’d be in trouble.”

The pathetic ache in Chan’s heart blossoms hard and fast, the crater filled with the cesspit of Chan’s feelings opening back up, threatening to swallow him whole.

Felix frowns. It’s a genuine frown, and Chan’s worry starts to blossom. He waits until Felix looks at him, offers him a soft smile to say, ‘are you okay?”

When Felix just stares, Chan falters a little, putting the tongs down.

“Aw, Lixie,” Hyunjin teases at the sight of Felix’s frown. “Worried Channie hyung doesn’t love you back?”

Minho scoffs. “Hardly. They’ve practically been in love since the first moment they saw each other.”

Felix’s spine goes rigid, and Chan’s hand shakes midair, the glass of water he was trying to pass over to Minho threatening to fall from his grip.

The table is silent. There’s nothing more than the sound of Chan’s heavy breathing in his ears, and the cesspit in his chest simmers over into a rolling boil.

After a painful moment, Jisung carefully reaches up, taking the glass from Chan’s hand while Hyunjin reaches out, lowering Chan’s hand back to the table.

Even though his mind is screaming at him to not do it, Chan looks at Felix, anticipates Felix to look repulsed, to look disgusted and unhappy at the prospect of Chan being in love with him.

The shock that runs through Chan’s body is visceral when he does see the look on Felix’s face.

Felix looks scared. But not like he’s scared of Chan, it’s like he’s scared for Chan.

Chan doesn’t know what to do with that.

+

The rest of dinner is a tense affair. The usual ease and normalcy within their friend group is disturbed, and Chan is the one who initiates the goodbye process for once. He lies, says he thinks he ate something funny so he and Felix can head home, can escape from the shaky ground that had been created against their will while the others manage to wish him happy birthday in a rushed and stilted parting.

Felix is worried when they get into Chan’s car. He looks at Chan immediately, big round eyes shiny and full of his concern. “Are you okay, hyung? Are you feeling alright?”

“I’m fine, Lixie,” Chan reassures him with as easy of a smile as he can manage. “I just said that to get us out of there. I could tell you weren’t feeling comfortable.”

His angel frowns. “Oh. You didn’t have to do that for me. Especially not when this is for your birthday.”

Chan doesn’t look at him as he starts to drive. “It’s fine, Lix, really.”

It is fine, Chan convinces himself. It has to be.

“Hyung. You’re not…” Felix’s voice trails off. “You’re not upset?”

Chan smiles, hopes it looks stable enough from Felix’s spot in the passenger seat. “Why would I be upset?”

Felix goes quiet then. When he doesn’t respond after a moment, Chan chances a glance at him when they get to a red light. Felix is staring out the window, his eyes shiny, his brows furrowed, pretty lips in a small pout.

Because of me? Chan worries. Because they said I’m in love with him? Or because they teased that he was in love with me?

The rest of the drive is silent. Chan wants to reassure Felix, to say something to make it better, but he isn’t exactly sure what’s wrong.

He’s still mulling over what to say when they enter the apartment, both of them toeing off their shoes and their coats, putting them in their respective places.

The second they right themselves, Chan takes a deep breath, prepared to tell Felix the truth, even if it ends in tragedy.

Instead, Felix is the first to speak, blurting out, “It’s true.”

Chan blinks at him. “What?”

“It’s true.” Felix rushes to say. “What Seungmin said. It’s true.”

If Felix wasn’t completely in love with Chan, you’d be in trouble.

“It —” Chan trips over his words. “It is?”

Felix nods, looking so frightened, just as scared as he did at dinner. Chan feels something slide into place, like a final puzzle piece completing a picture he wasn’t expecting.

“I have feelings for you, hyung.” Felix admits, breathing the words out through an exhale. “What Seungmin said? That’s how I feel about you.”

Chan feels like he’s been spun around twenty times and told to walk in a straight line. His entire world has been upended, the grounded truth suddenly an open ceiling.

Felix is in love with him.

Chan owes Hyunjin a huge apology.

“But…” Chan’s voice trails off. “But I thought — what about Wooyoung?”

Felix frowns, brows furrowing. “What?”

“Wooyoung,” Chan repeats helplessly. “I thought you were together? That you were dating? Or that you love him?”

“We went on one date,” Felix says, like it’s obvious. Chan didn’t know that.

“Just…one?” Chan fumbles. “But you went out with him after that? And then you…started dating?”

Felix visibly flinches, shocked, as if the words Chan are speaking are completely foreign to him. He blinks a few times, mouth opening and closing repeatedly until a disbelieving, “What?!” comes out of his mouth.

Chan nearly flinches at the volume. “Is it — were you not?”

“No!” Felix shouts. “No! What?! Wooyoung?! And I?! No! Channie hyung — we weren’t, Wooyoung and I were not — you seriously thought —?! Chris!”

He guesses he owes Hannah an apology, too.

Chan doesn’t know what else to say. Felix starts to pace, his hands flying to his blonde hair and tugging at his scalp. Chan can only watch, helpless, trying to think back, to come up with a list of moments to justify why he thought they were dating, evidence to support his clearly misguided judgment, when Felix takes a deep breath. His hands fall to his sides then, and he stops, turning his body to Chan. There is something desperate in his face as he takes a step closer to him.

“Did you — Chris. Did you seriously think, this entire time, for the last three months, that Wooyoung and I have been dating?”

Chan’s voice is small when he says, “Yes?”

“Okay.” Felix breathes out, nodding. He looks up at the ceiling, then down at the floor, shaking his head at the rug like it’s personally offended him. A weak laugh leaves Felix’s lips, and then he’s pressing the meat of his palm into both of his eyes. “Okay. Well that. That explains some things.”

“You…” Chan swallows. He feels like the thick barrier he’s been putting up between him and Felix this entire time is finally crumbling down. “You weren’t? Were you?”

“No.” Felix says, vehement. His hands fall to his sides once more, and he picks his head up, staring at Chan like he’s seeing him for the first time all over again. “Like…ten minutes into that first date, he and I knew it wasn’t going to work out. We went to a PC bang instead and played video games for like two hours and agreed to just be friends. Just friends. Only friends. Platonic. When he asked me on another date — he called it a date, and so did I, I admit, but — we didn’t do anything. The third time we went out, we went shopping with San. San who is Wooyoung’s boyfriend. They started dating not long after that.”

Chan is very, very stupid. “Oh. That…would explain why I saw them kiss, when I saw you all out for dinner.”

Felix frowns. “Is that…is that why you reacted that way, after we slept together? Why you haven’t brought it up?”

“Yes,” Chan mutters, shame creeping up his spine.

“And is this why you didn’t believe our friends literally any of the times they’ve told you how I felt about you?”

“You know about that?” Chan chokes out.

Felix sighs. “Of course I do. I was the one who complained to them all about it. They thought if it came from them instead of me, you’d believe them easier.”

“I thought,” Chan’s voice comes out rough, broken. He tries his best to swallow past it. “I thought they were just joking around? Like tonight?”

“I know, I’m sorry.” Felix frowns. “It was mean of Minho, to joke like that at your expense, whether he’d been drinking or not.”

“No. Not Minho.” Chan shakes his head. The cesspit is back, only it’s a volcano now, erupting, sending Chan careening towards the sky, all the words and emotions coming out faster than he can process.

Felix misunderstands. “Minho was joking, hyung, he was just trying to —”

“That’s the thing. He wasn’t joking, Lix.” Chan says with a sad smile, his eyes on his feet. He has to keep his eyes off Felix when he says it, when the thick tar of the truth decimates the safety net Chan’s built around him. “I am. In love with you, I mean. I love you. I love you, too.”

Chan thought finally saying it out loud to Felix would make him feel better about it, thought it might feel a lot like the supposed holy relief a sinner would feel after expunging their misdeeds in confession.

It just feels numb now. Empty, almost, more like resignation than resolution.

Felix whips his head towards Chan at his confession all the same, which makes Chan look up at him once more. He takes in Felix’s frame, sees the way his entire body is thunderstruck.

Yeah. He thinks to himself. I love you. It’s awful, isn’t it?

“Chris. Hyung. You — you what?”

He nods. “I do. I love you.”

“You. You love me?”

Chan will never hear Felix call him ‘hyung’ ever again, will he?

“I do.”

“You’re in love with me.”

I am more than in love with you. You are the gravity keeping me in place. The way I am tethered to you is more than love.

“I am.”

Felix takes a step closer. A single step, and suddenly, Chan doesn’t feel numb anymore.

Now, he’s terrified.

Chan takes a step back, fear coursing through his veins.

“How long?” Felix asks. He sounds…desperate, almost. More desperate to know than curious, and Chan doesn’t know how to feel about that at all.

Chan winces, retreats another step. “Felix, I —”

“How long, Chan?”

He manages to resist the urge to wince, shakes his head. “Felix, if I tell you that — it’s not — it’s not a good thing.”

That makes Felix frown. Chan could punch himself in the mouth. “Why is it not good?”

“Because it’s the same for me.” He confesses to his angel. “It’s the same but…it’s not.”

“What does that mean, Chris?” Felix takes another step closer, and Chan tries so hard to not mirror him, to not take another one back, too, but he does. It’s a small step, but he can see the way it hurts Felix even further when he does it.

“It’s true. I’ve loved you since the first moment I saw you, too.” Is all he can say.

A shy smile crosses Felix’s lips, his eyes filling with a glimmer of hope, the beginning of happy tears. “Really?”

Chan nods, but as the rest of his confession works its way up his throat, he casts his eyes back down to the floor. Guilt floods his veins - his sins, the horrible eruption of his heart flows out, reaching out with threatening tentacles, tempted to wrap themselves around Felix and take him for himself - and Chan knows there’s no stopping what happens next.

This is his punishment.

“But the first day you saw me isn’t the first day I saw you.”

Felix pauses. He tilts his head at Chan, confused. “What?”

“You went clubbing with Jisung. Minho picked you both up.” He keeps his explanation short and sharp. If he sticks to the facts, he can get this over with faster. He can handle it if Felix rips himself away, quick and painless, like ripping off a band aid. It’ll hurt more, if Chan tries to stall, if he tries to over explain. “You slept on the couch.”

Recognition flashes in Felix’s eyes, but he’s clearly still confused. “I never saw you, that day.”

“I locked myself in my room.” Chan confesses. “I saw you, that morning. Sleeping on the couch. You looked so peaceful, you were so beautiful, and I just —” Chan curses at himself, hates that this is going exactly how he imagined. Terribly. “You had me, Felix. You had me and you didn’t even see me, you didn’t even know I was there.”

Felix blinks rapidly, processing Chan’s words, and the longer it takes, the more Chan can feel the roots of his obsessive love for Felix start to vanish. He forces them to disappear, because there is no version of this where he can come out victorious, where he gets to have his angel with him in the end, no matter how Felix may feel about him.

It’s not the same.

He keeps speaking, because at the very least, he can give Felix his honesty. “I asked Minho who you were. I had to know, because I thought if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to keep breathing. All I had was your name, and the way you looked when you slept, and I was done for. When you met me in Jisung’s office, I was already half-way obsessed. I barely looked at you for more than two minutes, and you had me.”

Felix doesn’t say anything, still, even after Chan waits a little to give him time to process. The more Felix is silent, the more Chan’s guilt forces the truth to come spilling out of him, a wrecking ball to the bubble Chan has tried to keep him in.

“I know it’s wrong. I know it’s terrible, and it’s awful and I-I’m sorry that I deceived you, Felix. I’m sorry that I agreed to have you move in, because it was selfish of me. You thought I was doing you a favor because you were Minho and Jisung’s friend and you were another person from home, and that was a part of it, but not as big as the rest. Not as big as how much I want you. I wanted to be your friend, and I wanted to help you adjust, but mostly I just wanted you. And I let you move in because I thought it would be the best way for me to have you, even if it wasn’t,” he takes a shuddering breath. “Especially because it wasn’t fair to you. I deceived you. And I’m sorry.”

Silence.

Chan takes another step back, bumping into the couch, and the weight of what he’s just done forces him to sit down.

He puts his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to focus on the roar of thunder in his ears, the war-drum of his anxious pulse.

He waits.

He waits to hear Felix’s anger, his vitriol, his hatred. He waits for the words thrown at him before to be thrown at him now, waits for Felix to confirm everything horrible he thinks he is.

Protective.

Obsessive.

Too much.

It doesn’t come.

What comes are Felix’s soft footfalls on the carpet. He can hear Felix lowering himself to his knees in front of Chan, and then Felix’s delicate fingers are on Chan’s wrists, squeezing just a little.

“Chris.” He murmurs, so gentle, so sweet. “Hyung.”

Chan almost starts crying then and there. He’s confessed to something so horrific, and Felix is still speaking to him so kindly. He doesn’t move, though. He doesn’t care if it makes him a coward. He can’t face the damage he’s created.

“Channie hyung,” Felix pleads. “Please look at me?”

Chan does, then. He can’t help it. He’d do anything Felix asked of him.

He lifts his head, lets Felix pull his arms down so they can look one another in the eye. Felix is smiling despite the tears welling in his eyes, kneeling in front of Chan. “Is that the truth? Do you mean it?”

Chan’s brows bunch in confusion. “I mean it.”

“You loved me then?” Felix asks. “You loved me right away, too?”

Too? “I did. I do.”

Chan would call the smile Felix that offers him to be a mimic of the ones in his dreams, except this one is real. It’s still all sharp teeth, pearly whites, but it’s gentler somehow. Softer. Kinder.

“Do you love me now?”

“Of course I do,” his honesty is the only thing he has left to offer Felix.

“Then can you do me a favor? Can you listen to me?” Felix pleads. His eyes are so big — he looks so innocent like this.

“Always, Lix.” Chan murmurs, and Felix blinks, smiling at him. He releases Chan’s arms and puts his hands on Chan’s knees, spreading them just a little so Felix can scoot closer to him.

“I saw you, before then.” Felix says. There’s a smile on his face, one that looks an awful lot like vindication to Chan. “Before we met in Jisung’s office, before you saw me on the couch. I saw you a lot, truthfully. Mostly on Jisung’s Instagram, or on Minho’s, but the day after I arrived in Seoul, Minho and I came to pick Jisung up from the office. You and Changbin were standing next to him outside, and when Jisung spotted us, he came running. You didn’t see me, cause I was in the backseat, and you were already talking to Changbin by the time Jisung had run away. He said something to you, and you smiled. And Chan, seeing you in person for the first time? I felt like I was going crazy.”

There are roots settling down in Chan’s soul, growing quicker with each second that Felix speaks, with every syllable of his sudden confession.

“You have no idea how you look,” Felix laughs. “You have no idea how handsome you are. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. I was sitting behind Minho in the car that day, and I practically leaped across the backseat so I could get a better look at you through the window. I thought I was dreaming. You were wearing this stupidly tight black t-shirt, and slacks, and Jisung told me I was basically drooling when he caught me staring at you.”

“Y-you were?” Chan feels his mouth go dry. “You saw me?”

“I saw you.” Felix nods. “I saw you and I kept looking for you. When I fell asleep on the couch, and I didn’t see you the next day, I was so disappointed. I had hoped to. If I knew you were hiding away in your room, I would’ve opened your door and pretended like I got lost on the way to the bathroom or something.”

Chan laughs at that, his entire being full of disbelief. “You’re joking.”

Felix shakes his head. “I do have feelings for you, Chan. I would never lie to you about that, or about anything. I have never had feelings for Wooyoung, ever. I know I probably didn’t make it easy for you, not being clear on what we were, but I guess I was…trying to see how you’d react. How you’d feel if you thought I was with someone else. I just wanted to see if you felt the same way about me. I know…I know you might not believe the others, but you believe me, don’t you?”

Chan nods. “I do.” I just don’t think it’s how I love you. Chan doesn’t say. I’m scared it’s not the same. I believe your love is pure. There is nothing pure about the way that I love you.

Felix must be able to read Chan better than Chan can read him, because he frowns at Chan before rising off of his knees and climbing into his lap, pressing Chan against the back of the couch. “I love you, Chan. I’ve loved you since the first day we met. The second I laid eyes on you. You didn’t even see me, either. And I loved you. I wanted to love you. And I do love you. I have never loved anyone else.”

Relief.

The holy relief Chan had hoped to feel with his confession floods him now in the aftermath of Felix’s.

Chan takes a steadying breath. “You love me.”

“I love you.” Felix nods. “I asked about you endlessly in the car to Minho and to Jisung that first day. When we met in Jisung’s office? Officially? I wouldn’t shut up about you then, either. Jisung and Hyunjin were so annoyed with me. They’d see me on my phone when we were hanging out, and it was because I kept looking at your social media. I’ve gotten so much worse since moving in with you. I felt bad, pestering you when you were with Hannah, but I felt like if I didn’t have you with me, I was going to die.”

Chan blinks at that. “You did?”

“I did,” Felix insists, frowning. “It was horrible here, without you. I was telling you the truth. I’m sorry if that’s weird, or if I crossed a boundary with you there. I didn’t mean to take you from Hannah, or stop you from helping her, because I know it was an emergency, but —”

“There wasn’t an emergency.” Chan blurts.

“There…what?” Felix’s brows furrow, confused. He leans back a little, but Chan braces him with a hand at the base of his spine.

Chan smiles with relief, and he would imagine it looks a little manic, maybe crazy to anyone else, but it’s Felix. “That night, at the club. The night I left? I left early because Hyunjin told me you were in love with me. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t think it was true because I didn’t believe it was even possible, and I was…I was so scared, angel. I was so worried because —” Chan inhales sharply, “Because I felt like I love you so much I would die if you didn’t feel the same. I would die if I told you I loved you and you didn’t want it.”

A soft noise of protest leaves Felix’s lips, and he leans forward a little, resting one of his hands on the side of Chan’s neck. “Why wouldn’t I want it? Why wouldn’t I want you? Hyung, haven’t you noticed? They kept trying to tell you. Didn’t you see how the others had to drag us out of the apartment just so they could hang out with us? That I only ever spend time with you at home and at work? It’s so horrible to say, but Jisung, Hyunjin, and Minho are my best friends, and I love them so much, but I barely want to be around them sometimes because I get so caught up in the fact that I have you.”

Chan blinks. It takes him exactly two seconds to let Felix’s words sink in, and then he’s surging up, seizing Felix’s lips in a bruising kiss. Felix’s hand tightens where it rests on his neck, coasting back to the nape of his neck and gripping at the curls there, tugging his head back so Felix could sit up a little more, take control of the kiss. Control that Chan willingly hands over.

Chan moans when Felix tugged on his hair again, and Felix hummed, his nails scratching against Chan’s scalp as he leans back the slightest bit. “Silly boy,” Felix croons. “We could have been doing this sooner if you just told me.”

“I’m sorry, baby,” Chan swears, “I’m so sorry.”

“Prove it,” Felix’s voice is soft, but the challenge hangs in the air all the same. “Show me how sorry you are.”

Chan moves to stand them both up, but Felix pins him to the couch with firm hands on his shoulders.

“No no,” Felix shakes his head. “Here. Where you met me. Where you saw me. It was this same couch, wasn’t it? Show me here.”

And that’s all Chan’s wanted all along, isn’t it?

It’s easy then, second nature as he strips them both of their clothes and opens Felix up, using his mouth and his fingers to get him ready. He lays Felix down on the couch, his angel already drunk on Chan’s affection by the time Chan’s hooking his legs over his arms. He slides home, crowding into his angel’s space as he starts slow. He takes in every inch of Felix’s face, watches as his expression morphs and changes, his pretty mouth parting as he moans.

There’s nothing Chan wants more than this — Felix, finally his, finally at the mercy of all of Chan’s love and affection and attention. There’s still a bit of fear, a bit of worry and panic that licks at his spine, but Felix erases it all the more he kisses Chan, the more he tries to be helpful and move his hips, the more he moans Chan’s name — and he’ll spend every second of the rest of their lives trying to make up for all the time they’ve lost.

Felix reaches for Chan blindly, and he goes to him, wrapping Felix’s legs around his waist so he can drape himself over him, puts his hands on Felix’s hips so he can pull him down every time Chan pushes in. He tilts his neck in invitation, and Chan accepts, latching his lips to Felix’s neck, pressing kisses there before he introduces his teeth, scraping at the skin before sucking it into his mouth.

“Channie,” Felix gasped out when Chan fucks in particularly deep, nails scraping up Chan’s back. “Please. I’m so close already.”

“Anything,” Chan swears. “I’ll give you anything, baby.”

“Wan’ your come,” Felix bends his head, searching for Chan’s lips. “Inside, please.”

“Need you to come first, angel.” Chan snakes a hand between them, but Felix bats his hand away, pulling him tighter against his body.

“Can come like this,” Felix promises, eyes wide and shiny as he takes in Chan’s face.

“Okay baby,” Chan kisses him, nips at his bottom lip as he pulls away. “Show me, Lixie. Be good and come for me.”

Felix’s eyes flutter shut, and he seems to give way to his pleasure. His back arches, pressing his chest against Chan’s and trapping his cock between them. Chan can feel it twitch and throb against his stomach, can feel the mess that Felix makes of both of them. He whines, high and reedy in his throat, legs tightening around Chan’s hips, hands clutching at Chan’s back.

Chan follows him over the edge a second later, groaning into Felix’s neck, nearly going lightheaded from the force of it. Felix presses kisses to his head, gently running his arms up and down Chan’s back as he talks him through it, words blurring together in Chan’s brain. The only thing Chan manages to understand, the thing Chan clings to, is when Felix says, “I love you,” pressing the words to Chan’s temple over and over again.

+

It's…very awkward.

Or, at least, Chan feels very awkward.

Felix insisted that this lunch was needed, to clear the air and set the record straight.

He’s chipper as ever as he sits beside Chan, a hand on his thigh as he leans forward, waving to Wooyoung and San as they walk through the door.

Chan stands to greet them, a sheepish smile on his face as they say hello. The air definitely feels stilted, and the second they sit down, Chan immediately apologizes.

“Seriously,” he says. “I’m so, so sorry. I was an idiot. I should have just talked to you, or to Felix.”

Wooyoung laughs, easy as ever, and shakes his head. “Ah hyung, it’s okay. Really. It’s not that big of a deal. It’s kind of funny, actually.”

San nods, smiling. “It makes sense, too. Why you told us to behave at dinner that time.”

“I thought you were giving us a subtle lecture on dating your co-worker.” Wooyoung admits.

Felix snorts. “The whole company would go under.”

Chan feels the tips of his ears get red. “Still. I am sorry.”

“We’re all good, hyung.” Wooyoung assures him, reaching out and patting Chan’s arm. He smiles, teasing as he says, “I’m sure you’ll be a much better boyfriend to Felix than I was.”

Chan laughs, and so does Felix, the sound drawing Chan’s attention straight away, his eyes landing solely on his angel’s face.

“Yeah,” Chan promises. “I will be.”