Chapter Text
Why is this Mike’s job? Why in the world is any of this Mike’s job?? Tenna didn’t even tell him what he’s supposed to be doing all the way out here, just to ‘go check in on things’!! What the hell is he supposed to check out here, the sheer number of dust bunnies he can find?! Ugh… He should’ve let Pluey do this, he would’ve at least had fun chasing those Rabbicks…
Battat is out in the wastes outside the studio today, ‘checking in on’ what seems to be the dustiest place on earth; between the couch cushions. It’s windy and purple and stale and smells like the underside of a rug and he hates it. He hasn’t stopped sneezing since he stepped foot outside the cozy studio walls, and he can’t even blow his nose because of his Mike costume. It’s the worst. How anyone can stand being out here for more than five minutes, much less live here voluntarily, is beyond him. If Tenna is looking for him to come out here and recruit any of those contractless, reclusive bozos, then he really needs to stop talking to that weird Shuttah outside the green room. Anyone out here is just going to have dust for brains.
At the very least, Battat’s nearly at the end of the boardwalk leading into the studio, now. That’s as far as he said he’d go with this, to Pluey at least. Battat will do just about anything for Tenna, but those hills go on forever, as far as he’s aware. He’s got work tomorrow, thanks. So, he’s “checking” that weird couch out at the edge of the world, and he’s heading home.
The green Pippins climbs the last steep incline leading up to the couch, sweating profusely in his costume. Angel above, this is so much more effort than it’s worth… He takes a moment to catch his breath, hands on his knees, and when he looks up again, he can see the couch up ahead. A couch that is… currently occupied?
There’s some sort of blue figure laid out on the cushions. Oh, god, one of the Lightners is supposed to be blue, right?! They can’t be here yet, they can’t!!
Getting closer, it definitely isn’t a Lightner, thank goodness. He recognizes that shade of blue, though. Only once he’s right next to the couch does Battat realize; the figure is a sleeping Zapper, laying there like a plank of wood. What the hell…?
Cautiously, Battat reaches up and pokes at the Zapper, before flinching away as if expecting them to jump up, suddenly awake again and ready to kick Pippins ass. The Zapper doesn’t budge even a centimeter. Actually, looking at them closer, they don’t even seem to be breathing… Wait, do Zappers even need to breathe, they’re basically robots? He technically doesn’t need to breathe because he’s a die, but he still does it anyways-- Not important right now, Battat!! They might be dead!!
He tugs off a Mike glove and sets a green hand on the Zapper’s “forehead”, checking for a temperature. The guy’s cold as ice, and already covered in a thin layer of dust… How long have they been out here…? He checks the buttons next, and while half of them don’t even press in properly, they don’t garner any reaction whatsoever, not even a twitch. That’s… probably not good… Zappers usually hate that… Okay, okay, one more test… Battat hesitantly removes his Mike head before setting one of the flat sides of his head against the Zapper’s dusty chest. Even covering his other ear, he can’t hear even the slightest thrum of electricity within this guy, and the panic really sets in.
Oh god, they’re totally dead!! He just found a dead guy!! Is this what Tenna wanted him to check on?! What the fuck, what the fuck??!
Battat steps back, nearly tripping on his own Mike head, and scrambles to pull his walkie talkie out of his costume’s pocket. “Pluey?? Come in, now, this is important--”
A short string of notes meaning “I’m here, I’m here!” comes from the other end as Pluey picks up, obviously surprised by the sudden call. He asks what the problem is, and if Battat found something out there.
Battat cringes, looking back at the Zapper on the couch. “You could say that…? Kinda, sorta… found a dead guy…?”
There’s a beat of silence, before the walkie talkie practically jumps in Battat’s hands as Pluey lets out a “WHAT!!!” note loud enough to wake the dead. Er, well, not this dead, anyways.
“Keep it down, furbrain!! No one’s supposed to be in the Mike Room right now, remember?!” Battat shouts back.
Pluey quickly apologizes, then hisses out a “You found a dead guy…?!” trying to keep his musical voice down.
“Yeah, there’s a Zapper, laying on this couch out here! I thought they were dead asleep, but nope, now I think they’re just dead…!! I checked, I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single watt of electricity going on in this guy!”
The Shadowguy hums in consideration for a moment, before asking what they should do about that.
“I don’t know, but we need to do something!!” Battat waves his free arm around. “We can’t let Tenna find out about this, that’s for sure! He’ll freak out!!” He shouts, as if he isn’t freaking out himself. “We can take care of it! We’ll just… hide them in the Mike Room for now! Just until we can figure out what to do with the poor guy— Maybe we can get them back up and running somehow, I dunno—” Battat catches another glance at the Zapper. “I’m gonna need your help carrying them, though, there’s no way I’m making it all the way back there on my own. So hurry over here, and make sure you lock the door behind you, got it?”
He hears feedback from Pluey readjusting his grip on the walkie talkie to do a salute. He gives a note of confirmation and an “over and out!” before the line goes dead, and Battat is left alone with the dust and… the dead guy.
What the hell is he doing…? He could’ve chosen to just leave them here and forget this ever happened, but no! Battat’s gotta feel bad for them! He’s already taking enough risks letting Pluey be a Mike, bringing some other random guy into the Mike Room is just asking for trouble!! But god damn it, he wouldn’t want to be left out here all alone to gather dust!! And honestly, Pluey probably would’ve kicked his ass for not helping, so either way!
Battat heads back over to the Zapper’s side, casting a worried glance over them one more time. They don’t seem injured or anything… A bit of wear here and there, sure, and the end of their tail is extra dusty, probably from hopping around out here, but nothing too major… “What happened to you, big guy…?” He subconsciously mutters to himself, idly dusting them off to busy his hands.
That’s when he spots something; a light brown cowboy hat, laying on the ground near the armrest, as if it had fallen off the edge of the couch. Battat picks it up and shakes off the layer of dust its collected, lifting it up to get a better look. It’s a really nice leather hat, likely handmade, with a tiny J stamped into the underside of the brim. “J… Is that you…?” He asks the stale air, once again receiving no answer but the howling wind.
It isn’t long before Pluey arrives, out of breath from running all the way here. Battat waves him over, and he stops right in front of the smaller Mike, coughing a couple discordant notes from all the dust. Pluey then screams as soon as he looks over Battat’s shoulder and sees the Zapper out cold behind him.
Battat puts his hands on his hips, still holding the cowboy hat. “Yeah, I wasn’t kidding, dummy! What’d you expect?!”
Pluey timidly pokes his pointer fingers together and shrugs. He plays a short string of notes, asking if they’re dead dead, voice wavering.
“As far as I can tell. As dead as a guy who’s basically a robot can get, probably. I dunno, can Zappers die for real?? Think we could jump ‘em back to life like a car??” The two wander over to the couch as they talk, both giving concerned looks to the motionless remote Darkner in front of them.
Pluey shrugs again, reaching over to test the Zapper’s buttons himself. He doesn’t really know anything about Zappers, he explains. He doesn’t tend to talk with them much. That’s just asking to get in trouble. But the two of them should still try to help, right…? He looks to Battat for confirmation on that statement.
Battat sighs. “Yeah… We’ll figure something out, I’m sure,” He says, standoffish, as if he isn’t already concocting a dozen different plans to get this guy working again. That seems to appease Pluey, at least, who nods fervently in agreement.
Pluey keeps pressing the same jammed button, trying to get it to click like a regular Zapper’s would, when he suddenly bristles like a frightened cat. T-Their hand moved!! He honks this to Battat, pointing incessantly at the Zapper’s hand.
“What?!!” Battat mashes the button too, and sure enough, the Zapper’s finger clearly twitches in response, showing the slightest sign of life. Pluey is beaming with a sudden rush of hope, and Battat can’t help the determined look creeping onto his own face. “Okay!! Okay, we’ve still got a chance!! Quick, let’s get them out of here! Sitting in all this dust can’t be helping things--” He rushes to pull back on his costume, then sets the cowboy hat on top of his Mike head for safe keeping. No one’s going to see them, so it’s fine if Mike wears a goofy hat for a bit.
With some effort, the two manage to lift the Zapper, with Pluey holding up their shoulders and Battat lifting the tail. They’re heavy, and Pluey mutters out a sad note meaning “cold…” holding them even closer. Battat rolls his eyes. Poor kitty’s already getting attached—
It’s a long trek back to the studio, but it’s much easier to ignore all the dust when you have a mission on the mind. The studio outskirts are practically abandoned during off hours, so it isn’t hard to sneak a comatose Zapper all the way to the green room. Just a bit further, and they’ll be home free.
They lean the Zapper upright against a wall for a moment to catch their breath as Battat explains his game plan. “Alright, you stay here and make sure they don’t fall over or anything. I’ll go in as Mike, distract Ramb, and as soon as he’s out of the room, we book it. I’ve got the tail, so I can open the door quick while you hold them up, and then we-”
He’s interrupted by the green room door bursting open, and the two scramble to look natural, because of course its Tenna. Pluey leans up against the wall next to the Zapper, while Battat tries to look like they were just chatting up the two. “And that’s why it’s so important that your levels are balanced properly! Oh, hey, boss, how’s it goin’?” He says as casually as possible, sweating buckets under his costume.
“Mike!! I was just wondering when you’d be back! How were things in the outskirts?” Tenna beams, hands on his hips, clearly only paying attention to the Mike in front of him.
“Oh, boring!! Nothing of note going on out there whatsoever, nosiree yesiree, just purple and dusty as far as the eye can see! Not that we have any eyes in the first place, haha!” He ribs, elbowing Tenna gently in the shin.
The TV busts out laughing, slapping his knee. “HA, good one, Mike!! Phew… That’s great to hear, I was hoping there wouldn’t be any issues! You never know, can’t hurt to check in on things every once in a while out there! We can’t have anyone getting lost in the couch!” Tenna chuckles, and only then does he seem to register Mike in full. “Hey, that’s a lovely hat, Mike! Did you get that from the Western set?”
“Huh??” Battat reaches up, and grabs hold of the cowboy hat he set there earlier. He totally forgot he was wearing it!! “Oh, this?! Yeah, yeah, just testing it out for the guys down in the costume department! Gotta make sure their handiwork is in tip top form for the next feature film, y’know! Heard they were looking for some new talent, I might have to apply myself, with hats this good!”
Tenna smiles, “You should! They could use someone of your caliber out there!” He finally seems to notice the Shadowguy and the Zapper in the room, tilting his head. “Mike isn’t holding you two up, is he? You know how he is when he really gets talking, don’t be afraid to stop him if you fellas have things to do!”
Pluey bristles up again, and he frantically shakes his head, before nodding instead. Wait, no, that’s not right either-- He just gives a thumbs up, yes, everything is fine and he understands!!
Battat is mentally facepalming so hard right now.
Tenna waits a beat, seemingly anticipating a response from the Zapper as well, and Battat quickly jumps back in. “They’re, uh!! Real shy, don’t mind them!! Can’t even speak around new folks sometimes! They get so overwhelmed, they just freeze right up! We should really get them back to their room, where it’s nice and quiet!!”
Pluey quickly nods, shoving the stock-still Zapper towards the green room doors. The Zapper’s single foot cartoonishly skids across the red-carpeted floor. Angel above, the fact that they haven’t been caught yet is a god damned miracle—
Tenna wrings his hands in concern, “Oh, yes! Please, go ahead, go take care of them! So sorry, Mike-- It’s really nice that you’ve been making some more friends, don’t let this silly TV keep you!”
Battat hurries to help Pluey with the pushing. “Of course, of course!! Real great chattin’ with ya, Tenna, let’s catch up some more later!”
The two hurry off, and Tenna waves as they go. That went pretty well, he thinks! He’ll need to ask Mike to introduce him to his new friends sometime.
Battat slams the door to the Mike Room behind them, sliding down it with a sigh. Pluey situates the Zapper on the Mikes’ couch, making sure they’re nice and comfy before practically collapsing himself. “That… was the worst plan we’ve ever gotten away with, I think.” Battat remarks, and Pluey nods in agreement with a warbly saxophone note.
Battat immediately tosses aside his costume the second he catches his breath, then goes to lay down on the cold tile next to Pluey. Pluey asks what they should do next in an exhausted tone.
“Honestly, I have no idea.” Battat confesses. “I haven’t thought much farther than ‘get the coffin-ready Zapper out of eyesight’ yet.”
Pluey tilts his head towards the couch. He wonders aloud about how long they were out there, his sad face pressed against the floor.
“Dunno. But I intend to find out, one way or another.” Honestly, the prospect of solving the mystery behind this guy kind of excites Battat. Though is that because he actually wants to help, or because he selfishly loves having new mysteries to solve…? Hmm… Maybe he shouldn’t dwell on that thought, actually. The reason doesn’t matter, helping someone is helping someone, at the end of the day.
Pluey reaches up and pats the Zapper’s unmoving hand. He says he hopes it wasn’t too long…
“I have a feeling it was; they were getting really dusty by the time I found them, unfortunately.”
Pluey just looks even sadder, dusting them off some himself. Oh…
Battat gets up and sets the cowboy hat on the Zapper’s chest, before just putting it on their head instead. Putting it on their chest just made them look even more dead. “It’s fine, Plue. We’ll fix ‘em up, don’t worry. Helping people is what Mike does best, remember?” He says, trying to seem nonchalant.
The Shadowguy looks over at Battat with what would’ve been puppy dog eyes, if he had any eyes to begin with. He asks Battat to promise.
Battat sighs dramatically, patting Pluey on the head. “Yeah, yeah, I promise.”
Pluey launches himself at the Pippins, nearly toppling him over with a crushing hug and a joyous chorus of notes. Despite Battat’s protests, he doesn’t even mind. Seeing his fellow Mike so happy is worth it. Not that he’d ever admit that out loud.
He really hopes this Zapper doesn’t mind being smothered the moment they wake up. He has a feeling they’re both already getting far too attached…