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Something you don't think you'll miss until you want to see it, and then remember it is gone and unreachable.
Yu's hope for an insomnia cure was short lived. Thought of being forced back into the Apiary, Hornets cutting through the Nest's hull, the potential for the Recalibration - all those nightmares got washed away by new ones.
Will the available Flow dissipate? Is it a finite amount? Is there enough food to sustain ourselves till we die? Will Kay stop lying to her? Thoughts running like rivers through her mind.
She turns her head and sees Kay's face buried in her shoulder. Red crystals, like a carapace, litter her right arm.
'You know when you asked me whether we also glow?' Kay said a few days after the Bridge was severed, 'well, I do at least !'
The dim shimmer of Rust across her body was almost as mesmerising as the her figure.
It was both bitter-sweet and slightly comical. Yu's love of Kay's optimism helped her through their first days on Source. Her optimism also kept Yu awake at night. Symbiosis - something Kay once said to her. It still doesn't help Yu sleep. Some people back on Top had implants. Of their own volition. This sometimes felt like a punishment for their inseparable love.
The Nest sometimes feels like a Nest for every thought that you don't want.
Yu gently slides out of Kay's embrace, tucking her in and getting up at the end of the bed.
'Cmon, I'm not a teenager anymore,' her hands crawl down her face, followed by a sigh.
Moonlight shines through the blinds, silver rays enveloping the floor. It feels like cheating, somehow - sneaking away in the middle of the night from someone you love. She picks up her clothes of the floor to get dressed, trying to make as little noise as possible. Yu takes one last look at Kay before walking towards the door.
A cold breeze hits Yu's face as she steps out. A makeshift picnic table, softly lit by the spotlights from the turbine. The flowers they planted around the Nest, brushing against her ankles. The night sky, a sea of stars and nebulas, meteors and gas giants.
The hill beyond the waterfall. She can almost see a spot imprinted in the sea coloured grass where she always sits. She sits down, wrapping her arms around her knees and pulling them close to her chest. The gentle hum of the engines feels so far away.
And what if Kay is right? That Rust can have a symbiotic relationship with the body? That the rotation of the planet has changed but the affects will only be seen hundreds of years later, due to the relative low speed of celestial changes? That Flow doesn't seem thinner even though they cut the Bridge?
She sits there for a while, drawing figures with her eyes out of the infinite dots in the sky. There's so many, makes you want to reach out and have it run through your fingers, like bright sand crystals.
'Hey,' Kay's voice startles her. Their eyes meet.
'Have you come to tell me to go back to bed since it's late?' like a kid caught being out past curfew.
A meteor sparks and flies through the horizon. The grass shifts gently.
'No actually, I just thought you'd get cold,' Kay drapes a blanket over Yu's shoulders. It's still warm.
A few silent moments pass. The grass begins to shuffle against Kay's feet again.
'Are you going back to bed?' Hesitation, the need for comfort.
A crimson nebula draped over her arm. Specks of stars on her cheek. Two golden suns and a white cloud connecting them. The reflections off of her dark hair and skin.
'I figured you wanted some time alone. Didn't want to rush you back in.'
'Is this what you felt when you used sneak out as a kid?' Kay never extinguishes her small smile. It somehow makes her look smaller now.
'Yeah, though I never had anyone to put a blanket on me to not get too cold. And the hard concrete floor wasn't as nice as blue grass and,' Kay ponders for a while, 'I never had my girlfriend waiting for me when I wanted to go back.'
'And I never had anyone to come back to when I decided to run away either, I even packed my bags, you know?' A smile crosses through Yu's face.
'You were so prepared, weren't you?' Playful mockery. Kay places her hands on her hips.
'Shut up,' they exchange glances. Kay turns her head towards the Nest, not hiding her smile.
'Can you stay? Just for a little bit?' The moon makes Yu's skin shine even more than normal.
'Of course, as long is there's space under that blanket.' As Kay kneels to get closer, Yu yanks Kay's arm, making her fall into Yu's embrace, knocking them both down into the sea of grass. It feels safe.
'I'm sorry for sneaking out like that,' Yu breaks the silence.
'It's okay, you need your own space sometimes,' Kay's voice sounds almost distant, 'sometimes we time to think on our own.'
'Is that what you do when you pretend to read my books?'
'No?' Yu can sense a hint of hesitation. She wonders where Kay's eyes are looking and tries follow the imaginary path.
A moment passes, the wind grazes them every now and then.
'Is it that obvious?' Kay's grip tenses, her voice uncommonly small for her.
'You don't turn the pages fast enough. You sometimes sit staring at one page for 15 minutes before you refocus your eyes. You also have this look when you're thinking,' the 'Big Thought Machine', as Yu liked to call it. The expected witty retort never came from Kay. Yu's arm gently laces around Kay's neck, one had weaving through her dark hair.
'You don't have to pretend around me, you know that, right? You don't have to always act strong for me,' who is this meant for more, she wonders.
Yu feels her shirt getting wet. Her grip tightens around Kay's neck. The silent sob that makes it hurt even more. Kay twists her head and buries her nose in Yu's chest. Her face tenses and relaxes periodically. Tears flowing like a river, pooling on Yu's shirt. It hurts, somehow more than your own. Yu kisses the top of her head, placing her cheek against Kay's crown, her reflection somewhat visible in Kay's carapace.
Eventually Kay's back relaxes, her grip on Yu's shoulders eases and tears stop. Eventually the wind stops completely. Both Yu and Kay drift to sleep, holding each other close.
---
The moon shifts across the night sky and sun rays flash through the sea of clouds below. Kay wakes up first, now curled up on her side in Yu's arms. The sun slowly starts to blanket the islet.
Kay slowly sits up, trying not to disturb the mess of limbs that she woke up tangled in. She leans back, her arms support her.
A jolt of fear overcame her as she woke up last night to find Yu gone from their bed. It reminded her of the fight they had, of the pain and terror that grasped her when she Couldn't find Yu for miles. The slight sting when Yu told her she wanted to go home before coming to her senses. Kay's hesitation to follow through with their plan to sever themselves from the rest of the universe.
'I wish I was more like you in a way, Yu,' her voice catching up to her awakened state, 'I want to say I'm scared, or feel unsure, but it just never comes out, you know?'
Kay's gaze was somewhere past the Nest, her eyes playing with rippling tail of the Flow bridge to the islet over.
'I guess I feel insecure,' emotion grips her throat, every drop of saliva feels too heavy, 'insecure about myself, about how I hesitated when we were at the summit. I'm just a girl from Truth, you know? And you chose to run away with me when you could have...'
It gets stuck in her throat. She checks periodically whether Yu is still asleep.
'You could have anything you wanted back on Top.'
'I could have, yeah, I could have grown old being surrounded by the richest people and that waste of space 'mate',' Yu's voice sounds hoarse, 'but I didn't. I made up my mind before we left'.
'So,' a deep inhale as Kay meets Yu's red eyes, 'how much of that have you heard?'
Yu smiles.
'You aren't as sneaky as you think you are, you know? And what did I tell you last night?' Kay looks away, feeling her cheeks flush slightly.
'I don't want anything other than you,' Yu slowly leans up and wraps her arms around Kay's shoulders, resting her chin on a shard of Rust just long enough, 'or else I wouldn't have left everything and ran away with you.'
'Hey, Kay?' Yu tilts her head, trying to catch a glimmer of her partner's eyes.
'Yeah?'
'Look at me,' a gentle but authoritative string of words.
Kay turns towards her, now unable to hide the speck of tears that gathered at the corners of her eyes.
'The only thing I want you to do is to be honest,' Yu's hands cup Kay's face, 'and stop waiting for me to fall asleep so you can tell me how you really feel.'
---
As she walks down the ridge back to their Nest, the feeling of Yu's lips and skin or her own, Kay remembers her promise.
'Yu?'
'Yeah?'
Kay grips Yu's hand and laces her fingers through hers.
'I promised not to lie about how I feel, right?'
'You did,' Yu raises an eyebrow.
'I feel happy,' she turns to face Yu. A smile as warm as the afternoon sun, the burning suns for eyes and a sea of happiness from Kay's face. A promise and a star help them guide each other.