Chapter Text
“God damn it, Kyle! That hurt!” Cartman screeched, feeling for where the bat had hit him.
“That’s what you get, fat ass. I told you not to mess with my little brother.”
“I fucking didn’t!” Cartman felt something wet, and realized he was bleeding! That little shit made him bleed. God, he couldn’t stand him. “Look what you did!”
“Whatever, loser.” Kyle brushed off. “Get over it. Come on Ike, let me take you home.”
“Ok, Kyle.” Cartman heard Ike reply. He silently cursed at the little boy.
Yeah, sure, Cartman had planned to do a redo of the wrestling matches, but this time with the first graders. He didn’t see the problem, Ike had been excited to be the main attraction! There was no reason for Kyle to hit him with a bat. Such a sensitive little…
“Oh wow!” came an annoying, shrilly voice. Ugh, Tweek. Followed by more. “Look Craig, he’s bleeding!”
“Probably deserves it.” and there was Craig. He was even worse.
Cartman looked up to see the boys staring back down at him. It was a sunny day at the park, so the light shone ridiculously bright on them, illuminating their intertwined fingers like they were some sort of yaoi gods.
So fucking gay.
“What do you want.” Cartman stated more than asked. “Can’t you see I’m injured?! Kyle hit me!”
Craig said nothing, but Tweek was looking at him in a weird way, biting at his own lip, twitching a little. He looked at Craig, but Craig just looked back at him, shaking his head.
“Absolutely not.” he told Tweek, as if answering a question Cartman couldn’t hear. Probably some weird gay ESP or something. Did gay people get ESP? There had to be a reason people wanted to be gay, right?
Although Cartman was a bit slow when it came to knowing why someone was gay, he was incredibly intuitive when it came to opportunities to manipulate. Craig was useless to him without his coveted birthday money, of course, but Tweek came from a coffee shop. And at that coffee shop, they sold sweets. Sweets he probably had on him. He’d shown a moment of weakness towards Cartman, a flash of empathy, and that was all Cartman ever needed.
He hissed, pressing down harder on the cut to make it bleed more, forcing tears to fall from his eyes. It really did hurt!
“Ow, Tweek. You can’t imagine how bad this hurts.” he whined, focusing on the twitchy blond. “You gotta help me, get me to the bench, Tweek.”
“He can move himself.” Craig reasoned, gripping Tweek’s hand together. “It’s Cartman, we shouldn’t get involved.”
Cartman teared up even more, letting his lower lip tremble.
“It hurts real bad, you guys. Tweek, please.”
“Agh!” Tweek shifted uncomfortably, eyes shifting first to his boyfriend before flitting erratically back to Cartman. “I mean, you’re right, Craig. But-”
Craig sighed, giving him a disgruntled look.
“Tweek.”
“What if we leave him here and he hurts himself more?” he rambled. “Or he tries to move and then he falls and he dies in a ditch? I can’t have a dead person on my conscience-Craig! Not even if it’s Cartman-”
“Hey!” Cartman glared, righteously offended. What was that supposed to mean?
But Tweek was in a full spiral now, sweat building on his brow.
“He’ll die and then we’ll come here for our walk tomorrow and then we’ll see his dead body and jesus, what if the animals get to it! I don’t want to see a half eaten corpse, Craig, I don’t. And the cops will come and they’ll know we left him and-”
“Okay.” Craig gave in. “Okay, Tweek. I get it.” Craig let his hand go, giving Cartman an annoyed glare, before focusing back on his boyfriend, trying to sooth him in a way only gay people knew how. Lots of touching and holding and all that other emotional crap. Cartman smirked the moment he looked away.
That’s right, Cartman thought. I can control anyone, even your stupid boyfriend, Craig Tucker.
“We’ll help him to the bench, okay? But no more than that. We don’t want to catch whatever’s wrong with him.”
That motherfucker.
“I…I—ok, sure. Yes. That’s fine. He’ll get better, and we can come here tomorrow, and everything will be normal.”
“That’s right, honey.”
Cartman realized it wasn’t Tweek that was moving to help him up, but Craig himself, and immediately felt his heart jump. Uh-uh, no way. Craig was a dick at the best of times, and he was way meaner than Tweek was.
“I don’t trust you.” Cartman loudly whined, flinching away from the hand, putting on a show. “I want Tweek to help me. Won’t you help me up, Tweek?”
“Not on your life, fatso.” Craig replied, reaching to pull him up. Cartman tried to resist, but Craig was stronger than he expected. Before he knew it he was on his feet, meeting Craig’s dead eyed stare. “Your legs aren’t broken, get to the bench yourself.”
Of course, never let it be said that Cartman wasn’t adaptable.
“Oh, I’m so weak you guys.” He cried out, lumbering as slowly as he possibly could to the bench. He knew Tweek had to have come straight from the coffee shop, he could practically smell it. It was Wednesday, which meant the special of the day was a home made double chocolate muffin. He’d get some sympathy and a muffin for all his troubles. “I think I feel myself passing out. If only there was some way to stop it.”
“Agk!” Tweek cried, watching as Cartman forced himself to stumble into the bench. He reached out, but Craig blocked his path. “Craig!”
“Don’t let him fool you, Tweek.” Craig said dully. “You’re not getting anything from us, asshole. I don’t know what game you’re playing, but we don’t want it.”
“Energy levels, dipping..” Cartman warned, fluttering his eyelashes. “It’s real bad, Tweek, I think Kyle hit me harder than I thought. I might have a combustion.”
“You mean a concussion.”
“Shut up, Craig!” Cartman hissed out. This would be so much easier if he wasn’t here. He could get that sweet, sweet muffin, and probably even bully Tweek into hanging out with him a bit more so he could have something to do since Kyle and Stan were too busy being mad about stupid shit. He just wanted to make some money with some free child labor, who cares? “I’m totally fucking weak, I swear. I can barely move a muscle.”
“He’s still bleeding, Craig.” Tweek pointed out, “It’s gonna get in his eye.”
“He’s got a shirt.”
Cartman gave him a hateful glare. Really, Tucker, there was never any reasoning with this guy. He used to be at least a little fun, before he and Tweek got together. But now he was all gay and shit and prioritizing his boyfriend. Really, if he wasn’t such a good guy he’d ruin that relationship. Maybe he would…5th grade had been a bit too quiet. A little too boring for his taste.
“That’s so gross, Craig. Think of the germs!”
Craig smirked, looking back at Cartman as if to say ‘yeah, exactly, let it get infected.’
Tweek made an anxious sound, looking at Cartman once again, a nervousness in his eyes. His left eye twitching as he looked Cartman over. He was definitely weighing how bad the injury was. Cartman shifted pathetically, knowing exactly how to make himself look as sad as possible.
“I can’t stand it!.” Tweek yelled, moving to grab for Craig’s book bag.
“Tweek, stop!”
“Just hold still, I just gotta-” he unzipped the front pocket, letting out a breath of relief upon finding their mini first aid kit inside. “Here it is!”
“Tweek, he doesn’t need it.”
“He does!” Tweek pulled out a band-aid, and Cartman couldn’t fucking believe it.
It wasn’t some plain, boring band aid, the kind he’d expect from Craig Tucker. No, it was a glittery, space themed monstrosity that no one over the age of five would be caught dead choosing out of their own free will.
“Holy, shit. That’s so gay.”
Craig said nothing, but his already irritated face grew darker.
“They’re cute, right?” Tweek either didn’t hear or didn’t care that he was just being insulted. “Craig and I chose them together. It’ll help, here!”
Cartman eyed the glittery bandage like it was a bomb about to go off.
“Well, Cartman.” Craig voiced, “Take it, since it hurts so bad.” he gave him a look as if to dare him to break the act.
“I..I will! But” Cartman pouted. “My arms really hurt. Tweek, can you put it on for me?”
If he could just get Tweek to come close enough maybe he could quietly demand he hand over the muffin without Craig noticing.
“Oh, fuck that.” Craig grabbed the bandage from his boyfriend, throwing it at the other boy. “Put it on yourself. Tweek, we’re leaving.”
Cartman whined, knowing he’d gone just a step too far. So sensitive, Craig. He’d remember that.
“But I’m just so weak, don’t you have any food? Maybe that’ll help me g-get…hooome.”
Tweek twitched again, and since Craig was weirdly aware of everything Tweek did, he didn’t miss it. However, Cartman had played his hand a little too loosely. Craig knew exactly what he wanted, what this was really all for. Craig's expression didn't change, but he practically radiated smugness as he reached inside of his own bag and pulled out a under ripe banana.
“Here, since you need it so bad.”
“Oh, Craig, wait, don’t waste your food, I have-”
“Oh, no, babe.” Craig soothed, a hint of an amused smile stretching across his face, though it came and went so fast Cartman had only noticed it due to how closely he was watching them. “It’s ok, after all” he gave Cartman a knowing glance. “ He really needs it, right?”
Cartman internally cursed, his face bleeding red. God damn it! He didn't want a damn banana.
“Well? Take it, Cartman.”
Craig looked at him as if daring Cartman to make a move he disagreed with. Cartman snatched the banana, glaring hatefully all the while.
“Fucking, fine. God, you’re such a dick.”
“See, honey? All better.” Craig moved to stand next to his boyfriend again, reaching out for his hand. With only the usual minor twitches that accompanied his anxious frame, still eyeing the unused band aid, Tweek took it. “Let’s go somewhere else, I’m tired of the park.”
“O-okay, Craig.”
Cartman watched them go, annoyed that his chance for a free chocolate muffin had been ruined, all thanks to that shitty Craig Tucker. Oh yeah, he was going to get revenge for this, he promised himself as he ate the banana. It was still a little green, the way Craig’s always were. Ugh, he had such poor taste.
Those two could count their days.
He was still stewing on the thought twenty minutes later, planning out how he could turn the town against their relationship. Craig was obviously too happy if he was fighting back this hard, ruining his chances at free snacks. It was Cartman’s fault for being too lenient—too supportive of the gay boys, he’d let their leash go too loose. He walked towards his house, the lingering irritation of his encounter still seeping from his pores. It was then that he saw them, sitting on one of the scattered benches throughout town, surrounded by snow covered trees as if they needed to replicate some ridiculous romantic painting just in case someone else in town saw them, lost in their own world.
Sharing the coveted double chocolate-chip muffin.
Oh, he was angry, he was so angry. Maybe he’d need to move up his time table. Get rid of them earlier.
But then Craig said something to Tweek, something Cartman couldn’t really hear, and whatever it was made Tweek laugh. The blond boy buried his head into Craig’s shoulder, his body shaking not from fear or anxiety, but from joy, and there was this look on Craig’s face. Not anything too expressive, but….content, really. Happy.
He could feel the glittery band aid in his pocket, the grainy texture rubbing uncomfortably against the denim. A reminder that they had been nice to him, even if they didn’t give him exactly what he wanted.
And maybe it would be stupid to break them up. Craig never had any discernable weaknesses before, but he had one now. And Tweek would obviously do anything Craig said. Cartman would be stupid to get rid of such a valuable card so soon, especially when the longer he waited, the more valuable it would be.
Fine, South Park could keep their most adorable couple, Cartman didn’t care. He’d let it go…for now.