Archive of Our Own ^beta

Jesse has barely been able to see Connor since they got to Phoenix. Hell, even before they’d gone to Phoenix. With all of the media mess, he’d hardly said a word to him in person since Martinsville. Connor had been staying at his parents’ place for the few days until they went to Phoenix, too.

But Jesse hasn’t needed to say much to him to know how awful Connor was feeling. Sitting next to him while they recorded Junior’s podcast and not being able to put his hand on Connor’s, get him to stop tracing shaky circles on the wooden table, it was torture. He just wanted to be there for him. And Junior had asked him to hang back after they’d recorded, no doubt noticing how terrified Connor had looked. He was so pale and looked so young. Jesse wanted to crash his car into the wall and throw the entire championship away just to ensure Connor could win. There had to be a way to take himself, Justin, and Carson out of the race, leaving Connor the only possible winner.

Something he would never do, obviously. He wanted that damn championship, too. But he’d get another shot. And the future of NASCAR was not riding on his shoulders.

Through all of it, not being able to fall asleep next to Connor made it all ten times worse.

So when he hears a knock on his bus door on Friday evening, the sounds of Cup cars on track having just stopped, he’s so fucking relieved to see the shape of his boyfriend through the tinted glass.

“Well, you’re a sight for sore eyes,” Jesse smiles as he opens the door. Connor looks up at him from under the brim of his hat.

He still doesn’t look like himself. There’s a bit of the usual spark and energy missing. But he feels like he always feels when Jesse gets his hands on him, tugging him inside the bus.

Connor just sits on his couch and stares blankly at the wall. He’s bouncing his knee and biting his lip. Jesse doesn’t know how to fix this. Doesn’t know if he can. They simply need to let the race run its course.

But they are still 24 hours away from that even starting.

“You doing okay?” Jesse asks, trying to catch Connor’s eye. It’s a futile question, but Jesse doesn’t know what else to say.

“Nervous,” Connor says, deadpan. He sounds like Jesse when he’s trying not to show he cares.

“Me too,” Jesse decides to sit down next to him on the couch.

“Really?”

“Dude, yes,” Jesse chuckles, “It’s the fucking championship race.”

“Well, I know, but,” Connor shrugs, “You’re just not a nervous guy.”

Jesse sits with that for a minute. Sure, he’s not usually outwardly nervous. He’s not got a ton to worry about. He’s not supposed to win this weekend.

“Sure,” Jesse wraps an arm around his waist, squeezing his side, “You’ve got a lot more to be nervous about.”

Connor buries his face in his hands, “Yeah, the whole fucking world is expecting me to win tomorrow.”

“Probably just about 1 million people, or so the viewership numbers suggest,” Jesse pokes at Connor’s side to communicate his joke, and it does cause Connor to peek at him through his fingers with a small smile.

“But Connor,” Jesse pulls his hands away from his face, “Whatever happens tomorrow, there are plenty more championships to win.”

“I know,” Connor looks down, “I want it so bad, Jess.”

“I know,” Jesse echoes. He does know. He wants it just as bad.

Connor’s shaking under his hands. Jesse just wants to make it all go away.

“Have you eaten?” He asks instead, knowing Connor’s answer.

Connor doesn’t eat when he’s nervous, which means he’s on the smaller side this week, if that’s even possible.

Connor shakes his head, and Jesse reaches for his phone on the coffee table.

“I’m ordering food,” He announces, “Pizza.”

“But-”

“Fuck the meal plans,” Jesse says, “You need all the energy you can get if you’re going to beat me tomorrow.”

They eat the pizza on the floor, backs pressed up against the couch. Jesse steers the conversation away from the race, and they talk about their off-season plans, a vacation Connor wants to take, and wants Jesse to join him, too.

A full week with no racing to think about, just the two of them? Count Jesse in.

Jesse fully expects Connor to go back to the Airbnb his parents rented for the weekend once their done eating. They haven’t slept in the same bed all week; why change that now? It doesn’t matter how badly he wants to fall asleep next to Connor; it’s just not going to happen.

But Connor doesn’t make any move to leave, just wraps his arms around Jesse from behind as he rinses their plates and puts them away.

“You staying?” Jesse finally gets the courage up to ask, trying not to sound too hopeful.

Connor nods, pressing a kiss to Jesse’s jaw, “Nowhere else I’d rather be.”

And now with his arms wrapped around Connor in bed, Jesse finds that he really doesn’t care about what happens with the championship. He’s got everything he needs right here. Stroking his hand through Connor’s hair, he presses a kiss to his forehead.

“I love you,” He says quietly in the darkness, unsure if Connor’s even still awake to hear it.

Connor tilts his head up slightly, and Jesse can just make out the way he blinks up at him.

“Yeah?” He asks, sounding so quiet and shy.

“Yeah,” Jesse nods, dipping his head to press their mouths together. “Goodnight, Connor.”

“Goodnight, Jesse,” Connor smiles against his lips, “I love you, too.”