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"To be capable of love, we must love things for what they are, not for what we had hoped they would be. As a result, only disappointment opens into love and only disappointment is capable of grace."
- Adam S. Miller, Nothing New Under the Sun
When Shen Wenlang discovers he's an omega, Gao Tu can only say one thing in the face of the alpha's anger and hurt:
"What if we just went back to how things were?"
The question jumps out of Gao Tu's mouth before he can stop it, the last desperate attempt of a person who's been running from his nature for over a decade to preserve some kind of normalcy.
Shen Wenlang stills, an unreadable expression on his face.
Gao Tu swallows. Silence isn't rejection. Silence means he has a chance.
"I… I can keep taking suppressants," he says slowly. "You can forget that I'm an—" the word omega gets caught in Gao Tu's throat. He's never said it aloud, never admitted what he is. He's not even sure he can. He takes a breath. "That I'm not a beta."
Gao Tu watches Shen Wenlang carefully, searching his face for any glimpse of what the alpha is thinking, but for once, Shen Wenlang is a complete mystery to him.
When Shen Wenlang says nothing, Gao Tu pushes on.
"I know you hate the-the smell, but I can get rid of it," Gao Tu insists. "You'll never catch my scent again. Nothing has to change I swear. I've been doing this since I was a child."
Shen Wenlang's jaw stiffens. When the alpha finally speaks, it's low and flat, nothing like the petulant, emotional man Gao Tu has come to know.
"So why did I?"
Gao Tu blinks. "What?"
"Why did I 'catch your scent' if you're so good at hiding?" Shen Wenlang challenges.
The question jabs at Gao Tu, and he holds back a wince. "There have been some… complications with my suppressants recently, but if I just up the dosage, I'm certain I can—"
"Haven't you done enough?" Shen Wenlang interrupts with a snarl.
This time Gao Tu can't hide his flinch.
"I'm sorry—" he starts, only for Shen Wenlang to cut him off again.
"For what?" Shen Wenlang snaps. "Do you have any idea what you're apologizing for?"
Gao Tu stares at him helplessly. What does Shen Wenlang want him to say? That he's sorry for lying? For being an omega?
When Gao Tu says nothing, Wenlang scoffs.
"Of course not," he says. "Gao Tu, do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I haven't seen what suppressants have been doing to you the last few months? Did you forget that it was me who took care of you—twice—after pheromone related incidents?"
He stalks forward, and Gao Tu scramble back until he hits the wall, pinned by Shen Wenlang's fierce aura.
"We can't go back to normal if you're dead, Gao Tu," Wenlang finally hisses.
The words might as well have slapped Gao Tu in the face.
Of everything he'd expected Wenlang to say, this had never crossed his mind. He's right. An increase in his suppressant dosage would probably kill him sooner rather than later, but Gao Tu has long since made peace with his tradition of courting death.
He just… hadn't thought someone like Shen Wenlang would care if there was one less omega in the world.
"Does it really matter that much?" The words slip out in a whisper, Gao Tu's tired insecurities finally making themselves known.
Shen Wenlang recoils, a stricken expression on his face as he stares at Gao Tu mutely.
"I mean, if you hadn't found out, wouldn't it have ended that way?" Gao Tu muses absently. "It's better to die wanted than to live hated, I think. You know, I wanted to be a beta at my funeral, too, so you wouldn't have any reason to curse my grave… though I suppose that ship has sailed. At least A-Qing's treatment is all paid for, and I've had my affairs in order for years—"
The sound that leaves Wenlang's mouth is punched out and shaky. Gao Tu frowns, looking at the alpha.
"Mr. Shen, are you alright?"
Wenlang barks out half an incredulous laugh. "Am I—Am I alright? Are you listening to yourself, Gao Tu? How can you say all this so calmly?"
Ah, Gao Tu thinks, it must sound rather morbid… but surely Mr. Shen understands why these things must be said.
"I've been taking suppressants every day since I was eight years old, Mr. Shen," Gao Tu explains gently. "I've always known they were going to kill me. So, you understand that it's really no different if I keep taking them now."
He ducks his head, hoping the deference might soften Wenlang's heart. He really does want to stay by the alpha's side for a little while longer, if he can.
"If it will help you be comfortable enough to allow me to remain your secretary," he says, still bowing his head, "I would be grateful if you would allow me to continue to pose as a beta. I promise to step away as soon as my condition causes my quality of work to suffer, but as of now, I guarantee that I am perfectly capable of operating as one of your secretarial assistants."
Please, he thinks, just let me stay by your side a little longer…
Shen Wenlang thinks he might actually be sick. The nausea he'd started feeling at the beginning of this conversation has worked its way from his gut to his throat, writhing anxiously in the back of his mouth.
Gao Tu's words echo in his mind.
Does it really matter that much?
…better to die wanted than to live hated
I wanted to be a beta at my funeral, too, so you wouldn't have any reason to curse my grave
I've had my affairs in order for years
I've always known they were going to kill me.
Has Wenlang truly been so awful, so completely blind, that the man he cares about more than anything would rather kill himself slowly than let Wenlang see his genuine self? That he would rather be suicidal?
He recalls every horrible thing he's ever said about omegas with Gao Tu present and thinks that yes, he really is that awful, and now he's finally paying for it.
It doesn't seem like Gao Tu even recognizes how terrifying his own words are. The self-harm, the readiness for death… it's normal to the omega. Gao Tu has lived like this for so long that he can't imagine it any other way.
Wenlang presses the back of his hand to his mouth, forcing himself to swallow.
I would be grateful, Gao Tu had said. Grateful for the privilege of destroying his body just so Wenlang can be comfortable.
"…how can you possibly think that would make me happy?" Wenlang manages to ask eventually.
Gao Tu stiffens, and the sage scent that's been curling around him sours further. The omega ducks his head even lower.
Wenlang barely restrains a curse. He can't stop fucking up, can he? Everything he says only hurts Gao Tu more.
"My apologies, Mr. Shen," he says, voice weak. "It was inappropriate for me to suggest such a thing, knowing your preferences. I… I can hand in my resignation first thing tomorrow morning."
His resignation? Wenlang's head spins. What?
"No," he says immediately.
Gao Tu's eyes finally meet his again with a look of shock and confusion before hurt starts to twist the omega's features.
"I—" Gao Tu's voice breaks, but the secretary covers it quickly. "I would ask that you allow me to resign instead of firing me—"
"What?" Wenlang says incredulously. "I'm not going to fire you. Are you stupid, Gao Tu? Have you listen to a single thing I've said?"
The confusion returns, and Gao Tu's gaze flicks back and forth between Wenlang's eyes as if searching for an elusive answer.
Gao Tu opens his mouth then closes it again before speaking meekly. "…but I'm an omega."
He says the word omega like it's a curse or disease, an undesirable infiltration on his life instead of a fundamental part of his identity. Like it's irredeemable.
Wenlang supposes Gao Tu learned that from him.
For the first time in his life, Wenlang wants to challenge that notion. Maybe… maybe, he's been wrong about omegas, and even if he isn't, even if Gao Tu really is the exception not the rule, Wenlang has to face the fact that his prejudice has pushed the man he loves into self-loathing so deep he's killing himself just to hide the parts of him he thinks Wenlang despises.
Something has to change.
"I know," he says, meeting Gao Tu's eyes head on. "I don't care. Yes, you're an omega. You're also Gao Tu, my best secretary, my—" he falters, voice softening, "…my friend. I've truly failed you if you think that I would rather you suffer or disappear forever than stand by my side—omega or not."
Gao Tu takes in a ragged breath, and Wenlang is alarmed to see the man's eyes start to water and his lip tremble.
"Wenlang…" the omega says, voice wet.
In that single name, a thousand things are conveyed, and Wenlang finds himself fighting off his own tears.
"If you wish to continue working with me, I have one condition," Wenlang says.
Gao Tu straightens. "Anything," he says resolutely.
Wenlang cannot possibly understand what he's done to earn such loyalty from the man he's tormented for a decade, but he won't waste it. Not anymore.
"Never take another suppressant again."
Gao Tu's sucks in a sharp breath, staring at Wenlang with wide eyes.
"What?"
"I won't stand here and watch you kill yourself, Gao Tu," Wenlang declares, hating how shaky his voice has become. He takes Gao Tu by the shoulders. "If you want to stand with me, do it as yourself, not a convenient lie. And don't ever—ever—stand here and ask me to let you hurt yourself again. I won't tolerate it." His voice wavers at the end, but he ignores it. Dignity doesn't matter right now.
Gao Tu stares at him for another few moments before nodding slowly.
Wenlang doesn't waste time before crushing Gao Tu into a bruising hug, clutching the omega to his chest with all the desperation of a man who's realized just how close he came to losing everything.
It only takes a few seconds of stiffness for Gao Tu to melt into Wenlang's arms, clutching at the back of his suit jacket and shaking with near silent sobs.
"It's over," Wenlang says, burying his face in Gao Tu's hair. "It's over, and we're still here."
A few hours later, after the pair have migrated to the couch, still wrapped loosely in each other's arms, Wenlang speaks again.
"Why did you start?" he asks hesitantly. "Taking suppressants, I mean. It must have been right when you presented."
Gao Tu is quiet for long enough that Wenlang thinks he might not answer, before speaking softly.
"I remember the day I presented vividly," he starts. "My father had run out of gambling money again, and he was harassing my mother for more… shouting, throwing her to the ground…" he takes a shaky inhale. "She didn't have any money left. He'd taken it all… but it wasn't enough for him. He told her to sell herself to get some more—that omegas always have a way to make money."
Wenlang's blood freezes.
"I didn't understand what he meant at the time, of course," Gao Tu says with bitter humor. "All I knew was that when I tried to mention my new designation my mom shut me up, grabbed my shoulders and made me swear to never tell a soul that I was an omega… especially not my father. She pressed a suppressant inhaler into my hand that same day, insisted I tell everyone that I'm just a beta with asthma. So that's what I've done," he says with a slow exhale. "For two decades, that's what I've done."
"Do you really think your father would have—" Wenlang's breath catches in his throat at the thought of Gao Tu being used that way.
"Sold me off?" Gao Tu says frankly, though not without pain. "I'm certain of it. Still would, I'm sure."
Wenlang's grip on Gao Tu tightens, and an instinctive growl slips out. Blood once frozen now boils with rage.
"He won't lay a finger on you," he hisses.
Gao Tu doesn't fight it, sinking willingly into Wenlang's protective instincts. Wenlang is glad because he's not sure what he would have done if Gao Tu had pushed him away after a story like that.
"…thank you, Wenlang," Gao Tu says eventually.
The gratitude satisfys and burns in equal measure. His alpha preens, but Wenlang knows he doesn't deserve it.
"I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner," Wenlang says. "You've been suffering alone all this time—"
Gao Tu shushes him gently. "What's done is done. You're here now, aren't you? Besides, I didn't want you to know. You can't be blamed for trusting me."
It isn't the condemnation he deserves, but Wenlang soaks it up anyway.
If Gao Tu is willing to give him a second chance, Wenlang will grab it with both hands and never let it go.