Archive of Our Own

Sometimes Haewon thinks Kyujin was too good for her.

She was only five. Why was her handwriting so neat? Why did she wake up so early every day? Why does she always insist on coming on time to school? Why does she insist on having at least one veggie! every meal? Why does she tell Haewon to eat her supplements every day? Why did her mom die? 

Fuck.

Haewon slams her bottle against the table. She has got to stop thinking. All her problems came from thinking. Most of them did at least. Some of them came from her wife dying but— fuck. 

Haewon breaks down again- how many times already? She doesn’t even understand why. It’s been nearly a year since. She had no excuse for the way she acted. She tries to hide it from Kyujin- but unfortunately for her, her daughter wasn’t an idiot- she knows her only mom left was probably clinically insane. 

She’s being patronized by her own five year old. How ridiculous is that? Haewon should be embarrassed. She is embarrassed. She’s tethering on the fine line between excessive drinking and an addiction— not something good when you’re raising a kid all alone in a cold Korean winter. 

Haewon stands from her overpriced office chair— a wedding gift, she remembers, because of course she does— her feet wobble as she glances at the clock, 3AM. How terrible. she looks at all the bottles scattered over the office, it’s probably good she doesn't let Kyujin in here.

She picks up the bottles, slowly- carefully– she didn’t want to wake Kyujin up. she puts them in a box that's for some reason lying around in the room; for what reason? Haewon doesn't remember. She grabs the box and as silently as possible before she trudges out of the room. The house is dead silent, save for the gentle ticking of the clocks. So gentle, as if it were mocking the unrest in Haewon's mind. She clicks her tongue as she makes her way outside, landed property is expensive in Seoul; but she can afford it. That's all she can do on her own after all– spend money. She can afford the best– but affording the best meant paying the worst.

~~~

wife <3

hae. what time are you coming back from the hospital?

late. stuck on a patient.

aw man. 

?

nothing. it’s just so cold. my bike froze can you believe that?!

so i thought maybe you could pick me up. but it’s okay i’ll just walk.

cab? i’ll pay.

i tried jn

but snow’s real bad… it’s okay i like the walk anyways!

love you.

be warm.

okk. love you tooooo

~~~

As Haewon steps outside; she recognises the cold. The same cold that night; the ones where the winter bites.

~~~

“Dr. Oh!” a nurse bursts through the doors of her office- not from her department– an ER nurse, one Haewon had worked with a few times, but not enough to warrant her barging into her office when her and her colleagues were putting together one of the most crucial surgeries of the year.

“What is it Hanni? This is an important meeting you’re walking in on.” 

“Y-you’re needed in the ER.”

“I’m not on trauma today.” 

“Not for surgery.”

“It’s your wife.” 

~~~

Haewon grumbles as she dumps the box next to the recycling bin before marching back towards her house– she snatches all the alcohol she can grab before grabbing another box; boxes were scattered all over the house for whatever fucking reason, Haewon should probably hire a cleaner. She pulls out the pen from her pocket— an anniversary gift this time- before scribbling free booze on the exterior- trying her best to make it legible, which wasn’t the easiest thing to do as a doctor.

~~~

“Haewon. Cut it out. ENOUGH.” her superior has to grab her from behind- the rustle and crinkle of the surgery gown amplified by the harrowing silence of everyone in the room.

“I can save her Dr. Lee I can do it– I CAN DO IT I JUST HAVE TO–”

“Haewon.”

“Please Dr. Lee. I can do it. I can do it. Please, I can do it.” it takes Haewon’s all to not fall to her knees, to not fall over and just cradle her beloved’s body– but she looks so– so fragile, so delicate, an entire portion of her crushed spinal cord exposed- begging Haewon to put her back together.

If she can’t- no one can.

“Please.” she can’t cry- her wife is dying– dead- in front of her, and no one else could bring her back to life; but her– only her. 

“I can do it.”

It’s too frayed. It’s too damaged. It’s too crushed. It's too burnt. It’s everything that could've gone wrong.

It’s everything Haewon couldn't do.

“Please.” Haewon’s attempt to move a piece of tissue fails for the tenth time that night- and Dr. Lee puts a firm arm on her shoulder- squeezing- hard enough to hurt– hard enough to stop.

“I’ll clean her up. and I’ll let you say goodbye.” 

 ~~~

Haewon debates taking a bottle from out of the box, to wallow in her sorrows again, to give in to the desperation; to just forget– to pray all the alcohol in her system would just kill her already– but a particularly harsh bite from the winter wind sends Haewon a step back, the whizzing of the air screaming at Haewon to get back inside.

Haewon of all people should know the dangers of alcohol.

It’s what killed her wife after all.

Fatal DUI kills two, three injured after crashing into a power box, setting the car and local businesses on fire.

After the incident she’d lost more than just her wife; her mother in law had parted with her and Kyujin, blaming Haewon for her death. Something Haewon couldn’t fault her for- it was true, if she’d just went home– picked her up like she asked- she would still be here, and Haewon wouldn’t be sat right outside her front door, letting the chill of the frozen air consume her, praying to a God she didn’t believe existed for the cold to kill her already.

The cold, the alcohol– the same dead man that killed her wife; why couldn’t they just kill her already?

Haewon leans against the wall of her home’s entryway, deciding the cold probably needed time to kill her; so she waits silently, unable to recall from her years of medical school how many hours it would take for hypothermia to take her- she could never remember anything that actually mattered these days.

Closing her eyes, Haewon lets the wind take her away; back to a warmer time- where even the winter could not freeze the gallant Doctor Oh– her beautiful wife, the cutest daughter in the world, her beyond successful career. What could stop her?

Oh how she wished she didn’t know the answer to that question.

It was around Christmas, was it? She remembers that night, the halls were decked with red and green; a few ornaments fallen off and rolling around the hospital floors– a hazard, Haewon would’ve commented if she were in her right mind. But how could she be? She hadn’t even registered the time of year– it was just cold. Nothing but endless tundra clouding the cityscape and freezing Haewon from the inside out.

The hospital was heated, one of the most advanced ventilation systems in the country. Yet it didn’t matter that night- everything was arctic. When Haewon pulled the plug, when the monitor mocked her with the unbending line of her heartbeat. The plastic of the plug, the steel of the monitor- everything was dead frozen.

To Haewon– the winter never ended after that day, even when the sun shone and patient after patient was sent to her for heatstroke- the world just seemed nothing but cold. Perhaps the world had stopped spinning after she died- Haewon believes, and it was a never ending cycle of the same winter, over and over until today– when the cold would take her too; and the winter would end.

Haewon’s skin starts to turn whiter than white from the cold, and she can feel herself starting to shiver, but her body remains at rest- the goosebumps begin to crawl across her skin, and this Haewon remembers- the first signs of hypothermia– all she needed was to go numb; and it would end there. The winter ends here.

She’s already lost her mind when she loses her consciousness, and it’s like a warmth envelops her- and she believed she smiled– it was over. It was warm and it was nice and it was home. Whatever it was didn’t matter– if her entire body was on fire- it didn’t matter.

The winter was over.

x—x

Haewon wakes up on the floor of her living room- only a few steps away from the front door- her pillow had somehow traveled from her bedroom to her head and a blanket was covering her from the torso down. It was warmer than usual- even with the blanket around her and her heaters blasting– and when Haewon moves to get up; only then does she realize the reason for the unusual warmth pressing against her chest.

The ever small Kyujin looks as small as the day she was born- her head resting on Haewon’s chest while her scrawny hand was wrapped around whatever expanse of Haewon’s body she could reach- as if she were afraid she’d leave if she didn’t hold her as close as her little body could.

And while her hold is home and her tiny fingers thread gently over her mother’s body- it doesn't stop what’s left of Haewon’s soul from shattering into a thousand pieces.

Had Kyujin dragged her back inside the house? When did she do it? How did she do it? Was Haewon dead in the brain? How could she have not heard it? What the hell was she thinking? That she’d just die and leave Kyujin in the house all alone? For the rest of her life? She’d just let Kyujin lose both her parents in less than a year?

Before Haewon can berate herself to the bone- a few clicks and dulled clunk come from the door before it swung open- revealing a bustling Jinsol- bags of groceries in hand and ridiculous looking chicken hat on her head.

“Why are you guys on the floor? And why hasn’t Kyujin showered yet? And why haven't you showered yet? Get up, get up!” Sol drops the two bags on the floor before ushering the duo off the floor, Kyujin stirring slightly before her hand grips onto the flannel of Haewon’s shirt; as if she’d just fully registered the situation- and did not like the way it looked.

“Kyu…” Haewon’s voice comes out shaky, riddled with guilt as she pushes Kyujin up, the girl groaning in her half-sleep as she tries to bury herself deeper into Haewon’s embrace.

“Come on Kyujin! I’m making your favourite! You don’t get to eat if you don’t shower!” Jinsol- satisfied with how awake they were- picks up the bags and heads straight to the kitchen to set up shop.

Bae Jinsol– prior to the incident, was her wife’s friend and personal assistant– the day of the accident, was the first day she’d been on leave for nearly the entire year. Haewon never asked, but she assumed Jinsol felt guilty- seeing that on all the prior days she’d been the one who drove her wife to and from work. Her wife never drove; choosing to invest on a bicycle with the cutest pink basket instead. At the funeral, Sol had approached Haewon and offered to take care of Kyujin when she couldn't (which was unsurprisingly- most of the time with how much a deadbeat workaholic moron Haewon was) since she was already familiar with the girl and well– she was also freshly out of a job.

If Jinsol wasn’t such an active member in Haewon’s life- she probably would've died already; and Kyujin probably taken away by CPS. She was in such a disarray from the night to the funeral and all the way up to the tens of stupid lawyer visits she had to deal with to sort out all the things her wife had left behind for Haewon to sweep. From her business to her snakes for siblings and the war her mother in law decided to wage on Haewon– the hell seemed never ending, and it was all up to Jinsol to keep Kyujin– and indirectly Haewon– together.

She would make sure they both didn’t starve, she’d take Kyujin to school and cut Haewon off her excessive drinking– she’d pick Kyujin up from school and out to play. Most of the times when Haewon was stuck on a 30 hour surgery she’d stay the night at Haewon’s house. She tries to be appreciative, but she’s never been able to say much- so she begs and pleads that the thousands of dollars she gives Sol every week were enough.

“Let’s go shower Kyu…” Haewon starts to stand up, but Kyujin shakes her head no, pulling on the flannel to pull her back down onto the floor.

“Kyujin. You’ve got school.”

“I’m sick. ehek ehek.” Kyujin attempts to fake a cough, Jinsol laughing at her near terrible attempt at putting up an act.

“Kyu, you know your mom is a doctor right?” Jinsol jokes as she shuffles the groceries around- pulling things Haewon never knew she owned out from the cabinets- ready to set breakfast for all three of them.

“B-but mama’s home today! Can’t we all just stay home together?” Kyujin pleads, pulling her head away from Haewon’s chest to plead with her eyes- and Haewon almost agrees– but a sudden ring on the house phone steals her attention away from Kyujin’s pleas.

“I’ll get it!” Sol chimes as she moves to pick the phone hanging off the wall- and her face falls almost immediately- turning to look back at the duo.

“You’re on call today- Dr. Oh?” Jinsol asks, and Haewon clicks her tongue before checking her watch for the date.

Of course she is.

In the corner of her eye, she can see Kyujin’s sullen face- logistically, she was probably too young to understand what on call meant- but it’s Kyujin, so of course she does.

“Yeah. Sorry. Tell them I’ll be there in 15.” Haewon grumbles as she stands up, Kyujin no longer putting up a fight- though her tiny hands still hold her shirt, bunching it up together. 

“C’mon Kyu.” Haewon says- trying to be gentle, but it never came easy for her. 

Kyujin pouts as she lets go, standing on her own feet before looking up at Haewon one last time- she’s barely the height of Haewon’s waist- retreating to her room to get ready for the day.

Haewon watches as Kyujin disappears into her room- the so-called head of the house sighing as she followed behind to get somewhat ready for the day. She brushes her teeth and puts on an unironed dress shirt before running a hand through her hair. 

Passing the mirror on the way out- Haewon catches a glimpse of herself- hair disheveled and an unending number of creases on her shirt. A pang of embarrassment slips through her mind as she comprehends what Kyujin was seeing every day- what Jinsol was seeing every day; the shell of what was once one of the brightest minds in Seoul.

Haewon looks back down the hallway, taking a glance at Kyujin’s room before facing herself back in the mirror.

There’s a fraction of a quarter of hope in her heart- that she could change- that she could be better– but it hurt to think, it hurt to move- was it even worth it? Could she even do it?

No matter how many times Haewon calculates in her head- the possibilities and the consequences- she couldn’t even reach the end of the equation.

A picture of the three of them stands on the dresser below the mirror, just for the corner of Haewon’s eye to see– and like a maniac, she slams the picture downwards- and the equation gets longer.

“Haewon? You good?” Jinsol calls, and Haewon breathes harder than before as she tears her eyes away from what she was ashamed to call herself, rushing to grab her bag from the sofa- untouched from when she returned to the house yesterday.

“Yeah. Thanks Sol.” Haewon heads straight to the door, grabbing her keys off the hook to head off before Sol stops her again.

“Dude- breakfast.” Jinsol says before tossing Haewon a paper bag- she barely catches it- on it was a written message, and Haewon chuckles.

“Is this really for me?” Haewon holds up the brown bag, a wisp of smile directed at Jinsol.

have a good day jinkyu!

-cool aunt sol

“Yeah. So you remember your daughter is waiting for you at home. Come back fast.” Jinsol's tone is light, but her message is glaring– and Haewon’s stomach twists.

“Aunty Sol! I can’t find my pants!” 

x—x

“You look like shit.” Seol Yoona deadpans as she stands by the door to Haewon’s office- where the latter was hunched over her computer, typing in prescriptions and reviewing scans and diagrams– what she did every day without fail- falling into a regimen so strict the only thing that could bother her was Hanni bursting into her door telling her they needed her in trauma.

“Haha.” Haewon doesn't even try to force out a laugh- much less look at Yoona as she continued to type in surgery plans and anesthetic requests, Yoona inviting herself in as she moved to sit on the consultation chair across the table.

Yoona takes a good look at what has been Haewon’s office for the past 7 years, all the certifications and merits she’d earned across the years. 

“How old are you now?” Yoona asks, and Haewon finally looks up from her screen, shooting a questioning look to Yoona- as if unable to comprehend the reason behind her sudden question.

“Thirty si– seven. Thirty seven.” Somehow Haewon struggles to recall her own age, Yoona pursing her lips at the added information. 

“Younger than I thought– you look fifty.” Yoona grins as Haewon rolls her eyes, going back to her computer as opposed to looking at the stupid smile on Yoona’s face as she berates her already broken self.

“If you just came to insult me- then why bother.” Haewon grumbles- she’d let Yoona in because she was Haewon’s closest pediatrician– the one who almost always worked with Haewon when it came to kids- whether it be when Haewon was working in the ER or on a neuro surgery planned 6 months ahead.

Oh Haewon was one of the few doctors that had two specialties– after her residency she’d finished her fellowship in trauma surgery; at the same time completing research for a PhD in neuroscience and surgery. Yoona came to the hospital around the same time Haewon came in for her fellowship- completing her own residency shortly before Haewon received the honor of her second doctor title. 

Yoona had originally attempted to get close to Haewon because of how revered her reputation was in not just the hospital– but the entire field; even before she’d met Dr. Oh, she was very familiar with her name and her expertise, younger Haewon etching her name into the list of greats even before she’d completed her residency.

After forcibly eating lunch with Haewon every day for almost 3 years though– Yoona sometimes forgets that she was sitting across from one of the most brilliant minds of her generation.

~~~

“You eat like a dog.” Yoona comments as Haewon scarfed down the lunch her wife had prepared for her- in a lunch box decorated with the funny bear character Haewon seemed to own so many of.

“My wife says I eat like a bear.”

“I still can’t believe someone married you.”

“Haha.” Haewon deadpans before chowing down another onigiri ball, Yoona picking at her poor quality cafeteria food.

Is she not even going to offer me a bite? Her wife made like– 20 balls?!

“What does she do? Is she pretty?”

“She owns this flower garden lower north. She sells them in bulk to all the local florists. But she has a shop though- the one across from the stadium? And yes– she’s pretty.” 

“Where’d you meet her?” Their friendship was usually like this- with Yoona just bombarding Haewon with question after question; trying to grill the genius out of the nerdy bear looking doctor who loves her wife.

“At the park. She was planting flowers.”

“You go to the park?” 

“I was bored.”

“Why did she marry you?”

“I asked. She said yes.” Haewon replies like it’s supposed to be obvious.

“Do you have kids?”

“Not yet. No time.” 

“I’d cheat on you and steal your money if I was her.” 

“I’ll kill you Seol Yoona.”

~~~

Yoona had always known Haewon relied on her wife for the more- human side of herself– the sentient being who didn’t work all day and analyze scan after scan looking for a cure to Alzheimer's. Only after she passed did Yoona really see the extent of how much Haewon’s cognitive function relied on her– the price she paid for being such a miracle doctor- Yoona concludes.

“You should try and date again. Let loose.” Yoona concludes– this time out loud- and the typing actually stops for once.

“What?” 

“You’re stupid and you don’t know how to take care of yourself. You need another human being to make sure you don’t look homeless.” Haewon seems genuinely appalled at Yoona’s words at this point- though the directness does claw at her brain- tugging at the fraction of a quarter of hope, her subconscious adding Yoona’s words into the equation.

It made sense in a way– all this while it was her wife that kept her together, pieced together the half of her that wasn’t bound to science and theory. She breathed the soul into Haewon’s well oiled machine– and without her, the pieces of Oh Haewon would just wander into the depths of nowhere.

Perhaps it was unhealthy to think that way- to be that way– but it was the only way Haewon knew how.

And she wanted to be better– Haewon glances at one of the photos that decorated her table; a photo of Kyujin from when she was in the NICU, eyes barely able to open, always the tiniest among her peers— born three months earlier, Haewon was always worried she wouldn’t make it.

She needed to do better.

“Not Jinsol though- I want that sexy hunk of meat.” Yoona cuts Haewon’s revelations short with the sudden claim– not that she was thinking about it, but it was still ridiculous to hear the statement coming from Yoona’s mouth.

“I’m sorry?”

“Gorgeous six foot tall futch housewife… maybe I should hire her as a personal assistant too…” Yoona’s eyes know nothing but mischief as she starts to blatantly daydream about Jinsol, Haewon’s jaw only able to hang open as she watches Yoona shamelessly fantasize about Haewon’s only other friend.

“Christ all mighty Yoona.” Haewon- who doesn’t believe in God- massages her temples as Yoona giggles, the latter crossing her arms as she leaned back on the chair, clearly having fun messing with Haewon.

“How do you even know Sol?” 

“I’m Kyujin’s doctor- and Bae Jinsol is her guardian.” Yoona reminds, and Haewon sighs– closing the laptop midway as she took a proper look at the photo of Kyujin- Yoona’s own line of sight following Haewon’s.

“Ah.” 

“Am I a bad mom Yoona?” Haewon asks as she pulls the photo closer- Kyujin looks oddly similar; they say babies change the most when they become toddlers- but Kyujin looks more or less the same, only slightly taller and a lot more talkative than before.

“Hmm. A bad mom might be too much- a really severely depressed emotionally unstable mentally vacant mom? Maybe yeah.” 

“Fuck. I don’t know– I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Fix?”

“Myself. I can’t– I don’t know.” Haewon grits her teeth as she pushes herself back, the wheels of the chair squeaking as she buries her head in her hands- did she have to find someone else? Could she not do this on her own? What could she do on her own? Some would call Haewon the epitome of independence, a self built woman– but even Kyujin knows it wasn’t true.

“I can’t do it Yoona.” Haewon feels her eyes water– and she hasn't cried much honestly- the winter had frozen her tears over, it was only pain that could come in and out of her body– pain and well, alcohol.

Her palm starts to wet with her own tears- and it feels liberating in a way, like she was letting go of something. Her chest was heavy yet the weight seemed to be dripping away with each tear– 

“I can’t do it.” 

“Honestly Haewon- you’ve done that to yourself no? You’ve trapped yourself in this- loop of just, feeling miserable- again and again. I know it’s hard and I know that's how you are but- have you even tried?” 

“You wake up, go to work- let Jinsol do everything- drink yourself to sleep– then wake up and you go to work again. Have you ever tried doing something? Anything?”

“You didn’t even take an actual day off after she died— and no, the time you took off to deal with the lawyers doesn’t count.”

“You have to do something Haewon. Like literally anything but work. Get a dog. Watch a movie. Go to the park— man I don’t know? Just do something.” 

“You’ve been in that stupid shell of yours for too long.”

“I know she’s gone. But there are still people who are here.” Yoona stands as she picks up the brown bag- Haewon’s breakfast untouched and cold inside- before placing it in front of Haewon, causing the later to perk up from her fetal position, eyes met immediately with Jinsol’s scrawl on the bag.

have a good day jinkyu!

-cool aunt sol

“People who need you.”

x—x

Haewon gets off her shift right on the dot that day. For the first time- not just after the incident- but throughout her entire career; Haewon clocks out at exactly 6.00PM. 

“Is there something wrong Dr. Oh?” Hanni questions her on the way out, and Haewon stops in her tracks before awkwardly turning to face the nurse, who was stationed at the reception for the day.

“Nothing. Just um. Hungry.” Haewon states, and though Hanni seems to be even more confused with her answer, she just slowly nods- Haewon was still her boss afterall, she didn’t want to ask too many questions.

Haewon breaks her vicious cycle by stopping at the pizza place near the stadium, right next to where her wife’s store was. Haewon had handed off ownership of the store to the manager there, and she never checked on it after, fearing what it would do to her psyche if she even smelled the scent of a fresh flower- much less the flowers her wife would talk about endlessly, as if they were each their own person.

hello sol

sup

have you picked kyujin up yet?

yeah were at the mart. picking up some groceries 

no need to cook so much. i bought pizza

???

you don’t like pizza?

no but. what do you mean you bought pizza?

what are you talking about.

it means i bought pizza

it’s not kyujin’s birthday 

i know when kyujin’s birthday is. i’m not an idiot.

chill doctor smartass

alright then i’ll just save what we bought for tomorrow then.

ok good.

no pineapples please.

i do what i want.

Haewon is holding two pizza boxes in her hands as she steps outside the store, and though she tries not to linger for too long- the flowers always smelled too strong for Haewon to look away. The shop was in the midst of closing, the current owner- Danielle- was pushing in the racks they used to display arrangements, humming a tune as she got ready to close the store.

Maybe it’s for old time’s sake, or maybe Haewon was possessed- but she steps towards the shop, admiring some of the arrangements- and she doesn’t know how long she stood there, but Danielle comes back out of the store- stopping in her tracks when she registers who Haewon is.

“Doctor Oh!” Danielle calls, still in surprise as Haewon slowly turns towards her, offering her what Haewon hopes is a genuine smile.

“You can just call me Haewon- Danielle.” she reminds before turning her head to one of the plastic vases, displaying a bunch of white flowers- the name of the species escaping Haewon’s mind.

“What are you doing here? I mean– are you looking for something?” Danielle asks, trying her best to not sound offensive; and Haewon understands her surprise, Haewon hasn’t been here since before the accident- and she also knows Haewon wasn’t the most flower friendly person and only indulged in it from time to time for her wife’s sake.

“Oh no. I was just in the area. Bought pizza.” Haewon lifts up the boxes so that Danielle would notice, the latter only able to nod in understanding.

They stand in silence for a bit, Danielle following Haewon’s gaze- the doctor unable to tear her eyes away from the mystery flowers.

“How’s Kyujin?” Danielle asks, genuinely curious about the family- Kyujin used to come over to the store all the time before she entered pre-school, so Danielle was very much acquainted with the kid.

“Better than me.” Haewon replies honestly, and before Danielle can utter another round of condolences- she’s cut off.

“What flower is that?” Haewon gestures towards the vase, Danielle taking a moment to register the flowers- stepping closer to the vase before answering.

“These? These are lilies.” Danielle tells, Haewon nodding slowly, as if she’s never heard the word before.

“Do you want some?” Danielle asks, taking Haewon aback.

“It’s okay I don’t really–”

“No no I insist– we get new ones tomorrow morning, so I need to get rid of them anyways.” Danielle explains. “And it’s the least I can do.” she adds, Haewon thinking for a moment before letting out an impulsive yes.

Free flowers. What bad could come out of that?

“I’ll wrap them up for you- just a sec.” Danielle picks up the bunch of flowers before adding. “You should come in- also– it’s cold.” 

Haewon follows the always jumpy Danielle into the store, the warmth from the heater causing Haewon to shiver from the sudden change. She looks down at first, not wanting to relive the memories she had in this place– she owned the place even before she met Haewon, and it was where they spent countless of nights together; she used to live on top of the store, claiming she had to be close to her babies just in case anything were to happen to them overnight.

Eventually– the spirit that had possessed Haewon to walk towards the store takes over again, Haewon raising her head to look at the almost unchanged interior, the beige walls drowned out by the rows and rows of flower arrangements, while the floor was littered with bunches of flowers. Save for the workbench at the center of the store, every corner of the store was adorned with flowers- some familiar to Haewon; some entirely foreign.

Even the counter- where Danielle is quickly trying to wrap up her flowers with a few filler flowers- is crowded with flowers, and the smell should probably overwhelm Haewon; but the smell comes off more as an old friend. Familiar and welcome, though it hurts Haewon to remember the reason as to why.

“Done!” Danielle chirps from over the counter before holding up the bouquet, wrapped in clear plastic and a simple white bow- Haewon gladly accepts it, placing it on top of the two boxes so that it would be easier for her to hold. At the edge of the counter, among the flowers, a framed photo catches Haewon’s eye– one of her wife, a younger Kyujin and Danielle, smiling as they were surrounded by a hefty load of flowers; a large project the two had done involving some hotshot’s wedding.

“I miss her.” Danielle says, taking Haewon’s attention away from the photo, Danielle has always been expressive- but to see her teary like this was a first.

“Me too.” Haewon replies truthfully again, gripping harder on the boxes.

She looks back to the photo, seeing little Kyujin- Haewon remembers her coming home, proudly announcing to her that she helped mommy make flowers all day! even giving Haewon a small portion of the arrangement they’d made that day.

Kyujin must miss her too.

“I- think I should go. Before the pizza gets cold. Thanks again.” Haewon attempts to wave bye bye with both her hands still holding the pizzas, Danielle returning the wave- seeming to snap out of the wave of sadness.

“It was nice to see you again, Haewon.” Danielle replies, and Haewon stops right before the exit, nodding at the words- it really was nice to see her again.

“Yeah. Me too. I’m glad I stopped by.” Haewon says as she pushes the door open with her shoulder- but a thought stops her.

“Oh– Danielle.”

“Yeah?”

“What do- the lilies– what do they mean again?”

“The meaning?”

“Yeah like- how the yellow tulips mean friendship and um- roses mean love.” Haewon explains– it was something she always asked her wife; perhaps because it made her feel closer to the flowers, and in turn- closer to her.

“Lilies? Well they mean- ummmm...” Danielle seems to think for a moment before she snatches a familiar notebook from underneath the counter, flipping through the pages to find the information Haewon was looking for- and in truth her arm was starting to sting from holding the door open for too long, but she waits, eager to know.

“Oh! Found it! It means uhh–” Danielle seems to struggle to read the writing on the book, and Haewon can’t help but chuckle; she was the doctor but her wife always had the worst writing.

“Rebirth!”

x—x

When Haewon arrives home, Jinsol and Kyujin are already seated at the table, plates and drinks already laid out on the table, Kyujin happily waving her hands around at Haewon’s arrival.

“Mama!” She calls, chirpier than usual at her mother’s return. 

“Hello. Sorry I’m late- are you guys hungry?”

“You’re not late! You’re super duper early today mama!” Kyujin tells, and Haewon takes a glance at the clock, showing that it was about 20 minutes past seven. And Kyujin was right, Haewon would usually return at about nine to Jinsol and Kyujin watching TV, Kyujin sometimes already half asleep at the hour- just waiting for Haewon to come home.

“I’m starving though. Hope you didn't buy any pineapples.” Jinsol snickers, and Kyujin just giggles next to her, Haewon maneuvering to leave the flowers on the kitchen table before coming to the dinner table with the two boxes of pizza.

“It’s okay aunty Sol- I’ll eat the pineapples for you!” Kyujin says as Haewon opens the two boxes- and by God’s miracle they hadn’t gone cold, still slightly steaming– Jinsol visibly slumping in her seat as she saw the yellow pieces of pineapple in between the slices of chicken. 

“It doesn't even make sense. Why would you eat pineapple on pizza.” Jinsol groans despite her hand moving to take a slice, handing one to Kyujin before taking another one for herself.

“Mama. Where did you get the flowers from?” Kyujin queries before taking a small bite of her pizza, Haewon looking up from her own piece before glancing at the flowers- her view mostly blocked by Jinsol’s head- the white from the lilies only popping out when Jinsol bent down to stuff her face with pizza.

“Seol Yoona gave it to me.” 

Jinsol chokes on her slice of pizza, falling into a coughing fit as she hacked and heaved- Haewon almost standing to do the heimlich if not for Jinsol putting her hand up— trying to calm the both of them down as she spat the piece of pizza into her hand.

“Doctor Seol Yoona?” Is Sol’s first question- and Haewon can’t help the snort that leaves her mouth.

“Oh!! My doctor Yoona?! Why’d she give them to you? Does she like you??!”

“Kyujin!” Jinsol pouts before looking to the smaller girl, making a face as if she were Julius Caesar and Kyujin had just stabbed her in the back 23 times.

“I’m just kidding Sol. Danielle gave them to me when I went to get pizza.”

“So you’re telling me I choked for nothing?!” 

“She told me she liked you just now- just wanted to see if you liked her too.”

“She told you WHAT?!”

x—x

Jinsol left at about half past ten- after helping Haewon and Kyujin do the dishes and warning them to not wake up late tomorrow. That left Haewon alone with her daughter- for the first time in awhile- she’s actually there with Kyujin in the house, not just a robot doing her work in the ominously dark office room. Haewon’s seated with Kyujin at the couch while the latter watches TV- Haewon’s square glasses were perched on the bridge of her nose, again- looking at all sorts of studies and scans- not exactly sure how to speak to her own kid; feeling shy as if she wasn’t the person who brought Kyujin into the world.

“Mama. It’s already past my bedtime.” Kyujin pipes up, and Haewon glances at the clock– her bedtime was supposed to be nine- it had probably slipped past Jinsol’s mind too after she’d told the story of her entire relationship history with Seol Yoona. Apparently they went to the same high school, and when Seol Yoona broke up with her no-good-was-probably-in-the-italian-mafia-girlfriend at the senior dance, it was Jinsol that caught her crying outside the hall– bringing Haewon’s future colleague out to the arcade and away from the musty teenagers.

~~~

“That’s so cliche.” Haewon deadpans.

“LIKE YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ROMANCE!”

“I think it’s cute aunty Sol!” 

“Thank you Kyujin. You’re so much smarter than your mom.”

“I’m going to tell Yoona you think she’s annoying.”

“First the pineapples, now my love life, what did I ever do to you Oh Haewon?!”

~~~

“You’re right. Forgot. Sol really does know how to tell a story huh?” Haewon flashes Kyujin a soft smile before putting her laptop to the side, standing up to lead Kyujin into her room for the night.

Kyujin bounces off the couch to take Haewon’s hand, letting her mom pull her into her room as if she had no clue where it was, encouraging Haewon to pick her up and tuck her straight into the bed so that she wouldn't have to struggle to climb up the bed that was two sizes too big for her.

As Haewon tucks her in, she can't help but feel a warmth in her heart. It's a simple moment, yet it feels significant – the two of them together, Kyujin cuddling into her stuffed toys- most of which her wife had gotten for her; she was always the good cop. It was a step forward from the numb routine Haewon has found herself in lately.

“Mama. The school is doing a meeting with parents.” Kyujin informs as soon as she’s settled in, Haewon’s eyebrows raising at the update– she’s been leaving most of the school related duties to Sol as most of them fell on a work day anyways. But the idea piques her interest- she’d never been involved much in Kyujin’s school life before- maybe it could be a part of the change Yoona so kindly suggested.

“Hmm? On what day? If it’s a work day I think aunty Sol’s gotta do it.”

“No. Sat-ur-day.” Kyujin enunciates, her leg shaking involuntarily, eagerly anticipating Haewon’s response. 

“What is it for?” Haewon holds her leg still, Kyujin wearing a sheepish smile before responding.

“Uh. I don’t know. But Ms. Morrow said you have to come.”

“Me?”

“Yeah you! My mama!” 

Oh. Of course. What am I thinking?

“Oh. Yeah sure. What time is it?”

“I have the papers in my bag.” Kyujin says, and Haewon half expects her to jump out of bed and skip over to her bag to get it- but she doesn't. And Haewon can sense she’s not done yet, Kyujin’s eyes widening as she seems to plead for something with her eyes- something Haewon was frankly, quite worried for. What if she asked for her other mother to be there too? Haewon never actually sat Kyujin down and explained what happened to her mommy- she didn’t know how to- and now, she could only pray Kyujin didn’t bring her up while she’s wholly unprepared to answer the question.

“Do… you have something else to say?”

“C-can I go to Jiwoo’s house after?!” Kyujin is full of excitement as she reveals the truth, and Haewon audibly sighs as the daunting thought of explaining death to a five year old leaves her mind- considering the new request Kyujin had for her.

“Oh. So that’s what this is about.” 

“Jiwoo alwayssssss talks about how awesome her house is! She says she’s got a lot of toys and there’s a park in front of her house and she has a bike! And it’s pink too! I really really wanna go. I thought you’d say no all the other times because it’s a school night. So I wanted to go this time because it’s a weekend!” Kyujin seems to have marked bullet points in her head on what to say to convince Haewon to let her go; but Haewon’s own mind starts to wonder elsewhere, analyzing each and every point of interest her daughter brought up- her greatest strength yet her most fatal flaw.

When was the last time she bought Kyujin toys? 

The last time she brought Kyujin to the park. A bike. Since when did Kyujin even like that? Kyujin knows everything about Haewon- her job– what she does- the name of her hospital. She even recalls some of the names of the nurses. What the hell does Haewon know? How to lock herself in a room and look at brain scans. Fucking idiot.

“Yeah. Of course.” It comes out choked, but Kyujin is too excited to notice.

“Did you ask Jiwoo if her parents said it’s okay?” Haewon adds- some semblance of an okay parent still somewhere there inside her.

“YES YES YES! I’LL ASK MS. MORROW TOMORROW!” Kyujin is bouncing in her bed, and Haewon worries she might not fall asleep with all the excitement in that little heart of hers.

“Ms. Morrow?” Haewon queries- why would she need her teacher’s permission to hang out with her friend?

“Yeah! Ms. Morrow is Jiwoo’s mom!” 

~~~

“Ms. Morrow. Can I ask you about something? I wanted to ask you during class but I don't know if it has anything to do with the lesson.” Kyujin tries to peer over Lily’s table- but even on her tippy toes, only her eyes show- innocently pleading to speak with her teacher.

“Yes Kyu? you can ask me anything.” Lily stands from her seat to go crouch next to Kyujin, struggling to maintain her balance in the dress code-mandated heels, 

“The other day. Something happened. I don't understand it.” Kyujin begins her concern, sitting down on the smaller chair next to where Lily was practically on her knees, ready to hear her out.

“Was it one of the lessons?”

“No… it was a… during the winter break. Grandma and me were playing at home. And suddenly grandma took me to the hospital mama works at. And then. Grandma and mama started to fight… like adult fighting… I dunno what they were talking about... Grandma left after that. She didn't say goodbye to me. And she never comes to the house anymore.”

“I still have the hat she gave me. I wanted to give it back. but. I don't know why grandma won't talk to me. Or mama.” Kyujin’s eyes tell confusion, sadness, a tinge of betrayal but most prominent was innocence– Lily bites her lip; adults and their constant inability to leave their kids out of their own problems.

“Oh Kyu. You know, adults are really bad at fighting sometimes. They don't say sorry afterwards and they say things they don't mean. I'm sure grandma wants to see you- but she’s probably angry at your mama. And when people are angry. Or when they’re sad. They tend to do things they don’t mean.” Lily explains- sometimes she was honestly unsure of what she planned on saying to kids like this– kids like Kyujin that just wanted to have their grandma back.

“Why do they do that?”

“Hm. That's a hard question. when you fight with Jiwoo- you call her names don’t you?” Pulling from real life examples- it honestly truly was the easiest way to learn. Regardless if you’re five or fifty five.

“Yes… I'm sorry Ms. Morrow.”

“I'm not the one you should be apologizing to. But anyways, what names do you call her?”

“Like… dummy… and stupid…”

“Do you think Jiwoo is a dummy?”

“No…”

“Then do you know why you said it?”

“No…”

“See, all people are like that. What makes us different from puppies and kitties is that we have these– emotions and feelings that make us do- not so great things. but they also make us do great things- like when you helped that kitty in the drain. Why did you do it?”

“I felt bad for the kitty...”

“See? you have a lot of emotions and feelings and sometimes it feels like too much- but before you get into fights– you can always try to use those feelings to do something great instead.”

“Not like grandma and mama?”

“Yeah. Not like grandma and mama.”

“But Ms. Morrow.”

“Hm?”

“Sometimes Jiwoo really is a dummy…”

~~~

In a sense, Haewon knows Ms. Morrow quite well.

Kyujin’s homeroom and english teacher- Ms. Morrow seemed to be a fan favorite to both Kyujin and her wife, ever since Kyujin joined the school when she was three– entering a year earlier than all the kids her age, mingling with the much larger four year olds, Ms. Morrow seemed to be Kyujin’s valiant knight in shining armor. Though Kyujin describes her as Miss Sunshine- her wife had always pestered her for money to buy certain expensive gifts for Ms. Morrow, telling Haewon about how she stands up for Kyujin, and how she’s also just such a brilliant teacher in general.

Though she’s never met Ms. Morrow in person– she never had the time for PTA meetings and year end parties; she only supplied the money for the paper plates and orange juice– she’s only heard good things; which aided her surprise knowing that Kyujin’s best friend Kim Jiwoo was actually Ms. Morrow’s own daughter.

For these reasons also– Haewon is awfully nervous to meet her. 

She actually irons her shirt for the first time in months, wearing a sweater over the shirt to wean off the cold- Kyujin is wearing something funnily similar, just in green- though it was still a bit early, they seemed ready for Christmas already. She holds Kyujin’s hand in one while the other holds up the bunch of flowers from Danielle- still somewhat fresh despite Haewon’s common misfortune with anything green.

Haewon checks the flowers that Jinsol managed to save from instant death. Sol even helped Haewon rewrap the flowers the night before, telling her that- Ms. Morrow deserves it. Before adding that it probably wouldn't die as fast if they let an actual responsible adult take care of it.

On the way to the school, Kyujin babbles on and on about Jiwoo- what they planned to do today, what they did yesterday, what they wanted to eat for dinner today- occasionally pausing to ask Haewon about what she did at work or if she had any cool brain stuff she found- Haewon tries her best to respond and answer, but Kyujin manages to fill whatever silence could’ve possibly existed from Haewon’s lack of social skills.

They finally arrive a good 5 minutes later than they should be, stopping to get breakfast at the local bakery before getting to the school. Kyujin holds two hot chocolates in her hands; ready to give one to Jiwoo as soon as she saw her. Haewon on the other hand is holding the rest of their stash, planning to eat them while they waited for their turn. Another hand still holds the bouquet of lilies, slightly struggling to balance everything together.

A good number of parents were already there— and Haewon seemed to have missed the memo- this also seemed to be a party of sorts, where the parents mingled among each other, clad in business suits and dresses that were almost a bit too fancy for a preschool gathering.

Everyone seems to stop when Haewon and Kyujin walk into the room— what Haewon gets for never coming to any of the school events.

“Jjyu!” Kyujin exclaims as a sleepy looking girl with choppy bangs only a bit taller than Kyujin perks up at the sight of Kyujin.

“Kyujin!” She no longer looks sleepy as Kyujin moves to sit next to her, excited to see her friend again.

“Hello.” Haewon nods her head at the various adults in the room. Standing awkwardly at the side next to a dish of chicken nuggets.

“Sorry. I didn’t know we were supposed to bring food for everyone.” Haewon says as she tries to hide the takeout bag behind her back.

“It’s alright… you’re… Kyujin’s… aunt?” a woman in a gray dress tries her best to be polite, but Haewon’s stomach still twists at the perception— they probably think Jinsol is her mom, and Haewon couldn’t blame them.

“I’m her mom…” Haewon mutters through gritted teeth, unsure on how to navigate the situation.

“Oh? You— I thought Kyujin’s mother— oh. Oh I’m sorry.” It’s now become a sticky situation for the both of them, and it’s nothing easy for everyone else in the room either, the group of adults shifting awkwardly as they watch the conversation unfold.

“It’s alright.” Haewon purses her lips as she starts to find the floor interesting- until another adult speaks up.

“So— that means- you’re Doctor Oh right?” 

“Oh. Yeah I am.” Haewon is grateful for the diversion of topic, and the man asking seems equally as pleased.

“You operated on my wife— saved her life like- 5 years ago.” He reveals. “I never got to thank you.”

“Oh. It’s no problem. It’s what I do.” 

It’s the only thing I do…

“At least I saved someone’s wife right haha.”  Haewon attempts to lighten up the mood.

Nobody laughs.

“I don’t know why I said that…” Haewon mumbles as she turns to look back at the floor, the fellow parents trying to give her a smile- but it comes off as what it really was- pity.

“It’s okay- Doctor Oh—“

“Please just, call me Haewon.”

“Haewon- we all grieve differently. I’m sure it was hard for you and Kyujin.”

And Kyujin.

“Yeah I— this is the first I’ve come out of the house for something that’s— not work.” Haewon just gives into the eyes of pity surrounding her; it feels oddly nice, to be cared about- even if it was just common courtesy.

“If you need any help with Kyujin- or anything else, you can just get in touch with us, we’re all happy to help.” 

“Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Your wife helped us a lot whenever she could- it’s only right we return the favour.”

“Thank you. I really appreciate it.” Haewon finally lets out a genuine smile. Perhaps it was just nice to hear that people other than her and Jinsol actually cared about her wife- after the way her mother in law had abandoned the rest of them and demanded a sizable chunk of her wealth; Haewon started to believe that maybe her wife wasn’t as lovable and carefree as she believed from the 12 years they were together.

But she was kind. And ironically— it’s the kindest people that the universe is most unkind to.

Look at Haewon— tried to leave her daughter all alone in the cold, and everyone wanted to help her.

“Mama! Look at this game Jiwoo has!!” Kyujin suddenly calls, and Haewon quickly mumbles a few more thank yous and excuse mes before rushing off to see what Kyujin was talking about- and she watches Jiwoo’s thumbs fly across what appeared to be a Nintendo Switch- the previously sleepy girl now wearing a focused look on her face as her squid character furiously shoots at another similar being.

“Very interesting.” Haewon says as she gently places the bunch of flowers next to Kyujin, who doesn't notice- equally engrossed in the video game.

“It’s Splatoon.” 

Haewon has no idea what that means.

“Are you allowed to bring games to school?”

“It’s the weekend, Mrs. Kyujin’s Mom! The rules don’t apply today.”

“I see…”

“Yeah. Parents aren’t allowed in the classrooms either but here you are mama!” 

Haewon hears a snort from over where the parents were still mingling- entertained by the way Kyujin spoke like she was the smartest person in the world.

“That makes sense. I think.” Haewon’s probably making a fool of herself, and even some of the other kids are looking at her funny. 

Kyujin suddenly pulls Haewon’s sweater down so that she would kneel at her eye level, Haewon easily going with whatever Kyujin wanted of her— her daughter moving to bring her lips closer to Haewon’s ear before whispering rather loudly—

“Plus. Jiwoo’s mom is the teacher. She can do whatever she wants.”

All the adults laugh and a loud gasp is heard from the front of the class, a dad and his little boy had just left the two seats that faced the teacher— and Haewon is finally, semi-formally- introduced to Ms. Morrow.

“Kyujin, I told you not to say that.”

“But Jiwoo always says that Ms. Morrow! She always takes extra nuggets and says it’s okay because you let her!” Another student chimes in, and a few others nod- telling excerpts of Jiwoo’s tyranny on the school grounds.

“Kim Jiwoo.”

“Hehe.”

“Jiwoo.”

“It’s alright Ms. Morrow- she should use the privilege while she still has it! Poor Jiwoo’ll have to go to grade school soon anyways.” One of the parents say, and Ms. Morrow sighs, rubbing her temple before putting on a tired smile–

“If you say so Mrs. Lee.”

If Haewon was nervous to meet her before– she’s a wreck now.

Ms. Morrow has pink hair- something she never pictured on a teacher; but maybe the bright hair gets the kids to focus more. Her eyes are kind in the way you’d expect from a preschool teacher- her fringe is just as pink and fall right below her eyebrows- and gosh, they were pink too.

Haewon stares into her eyes a second too long, somehow expecting them to be pink too.

The second turns into a minute, and call Haewon a preschooler– but she was struggling to take her eyes off her.

No wonder Kyujin likes her so much.

Ms. Morrow seems to finally notice that Haewon was staring a bit too hard- and she concludes in her head that she was probably waiting her turn for the consultation, and so she just throws it out there- even though all the other parents were quite keenly observing them both.

“Ah, Doctor Oh I’ve listed you for the last session since we uh- have that— little excursion- after.”

“Excuse me?” One of the other parents chime in, an amused look on her face- and the whole entourage of party-goers are staring at them funny.

“So that’s why Kyujin and Jiwoo are so close.”

Huh?

“OH! Oh no no no you’re all misunderstanding— I’ve never met Doctor Oh before this is- Jiwoo and Kyujin are having a playdate after this. The first one- because you know. We’ve never met before.”

“Then what are the flowers for?”

Oh. 

“Nononononono you’re all misunderstanding— I don’t even know Ms. Morrow’s first name!” Haewon tries best to defend herself, but the looks on their faces scream disbelief even if they were nodding.

“Right. You two have fun on your little excursion. Don’t forget to invite the rest of the class to the wedding.” 

“Wedding?” Kyujin questions- Haewon reacting by covering Kyujin’s ears with her hands, not wanting to explain this horrible horrible misunderstanding to her daughter.

“NOTHING. Kyujin. Keep playing with Jiwoo, this is an adult thing.” Haewon claims, and all the adults giggle before leaving them alone; while all the kids continue to stare at Haewon weird. They obviously knew what wedding meant. Curse Ms. Morrow and her pink hair for being such a good teacher.

Haewon sure got more than she bargained for trying to make a good first impression.

“Class. Don’t you think it’s a great time to show mommy and daddy the new swings in the park?” 

“HELL YEAH MS. MORROW!”

“Eunchae. Language.”

x—x

Haewon’s turn is last just as Ms. Morrow promised- and everyone bid them goodbye before leaving to enjoy the rest of their Saturday, leaving Haewon with teasing grins and playful jokes. To be completely honest, Haewon felt drained of all life- she hasn’t gone to an event like this in years- and one second she’s being pitied and the next she’s being teased- it was all too much confusion and human interaction in comparison to Haewon’s three patients a day at work.

“I’m sorry about that. I didn't realize everyone would misinterpret my words like that.” Is what Ms. Morrow opens their session with that instead of the usual hi, hope you’re doing well Haewon had heard endlessly throughout the day.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry also- I think the flowers kinda just- made it worse.” Haewon replies awkwardly- her shoulders square while her thumb fidgeted against the material of her sweater, making sure she did it under the table so that the woman across from her wouldn’t notice.

“Oh it’s okay really, it’s my fault too. But um- who are they for…?” She seems to tiptoe around the words, trying her best to confirm her suspicions without wholly offending the doctor.

“Oh! You. They’re for you. I got them a few days ago but uhh– I just- I don’t have anything else to give. As a thank you.” Haewon hurriedly explains before handing the bunch to her, watching as she tried to break into a smile bigger than the one she already had. Lily receives it gently before bringing them to her nose, inhaling the dulled scent from the lilies. A part of Haewon worries they may smell like pizza- seeing that Jinsol had left them in the fridge after wrapping them up.

“They’re lovely Doctor Oh. Thank you. Are they… from your wife's garden?”

She knows that?

“Yeah, I– uh- stopped by the shop after god knows how long- I’m glad you like them.” Haewon’s eyes seem to never still, running from her lap to the flowers to Ms. Morrow’s not-pink eyes to the report card on the table back to her lap. She doesn't know why she’s so nervous. Perhaps it was because it seemed like Ms. Morrow knew so much about her, about Kyujin, about her wife– yet Haewon didn’t even know her first name.

“Oh I could never say no to lilies- they’re my favourite.” She tells, and it seems as if she wanted to elaborate more, and now it’s Haewon’s turn to tiptoe around questions that were begging to be asked.

“Any particular reason…?”

“Oh. Well- the obvious and well, kinda obnoxious reason is- my name.”

“Name?” Haewon asks- she blames it on the pink hair again; but she truly- just wanted to know more.

“My name- it’s Lily Morrow.”

Oh.

“Ah. Lily– it suits you.”

“It does?”

“I dunno. It makes sense.” Haewon doesn't know what's coming out of her mouth- or even what’s going through her mind, but it doesn't stop her from talking. Maybe that was Ms. Morrow’s appeal to the little kids, she had the kind of eyes that made Haewon believe that even if she confessed to first degree murder- she’d probably tell her it was all okay and give her a sticker for her hard work.

Again– to reiterate-  she has no idea what's going through her mind.

“Thank you, Doctor Oh.”

“Haewon.”

“Hmm?”

“Oh Haewon.”

“Well, nice to meet you- Mrs. Oh.” 

“Please just call me Haewon- Lily.” Haewon doesn’t know what pushes her to test the waters- but seeing that they were about to spend the day and beyond together; it didn't hurt to try. And though Lily is surprised, possibly at the lack of formality she was used to from the people sending their children to an international preschool in Gangnam– it doesn't take her longer than a second to warm up to the name.

“Well Haewon, about Kyujin’s grades–”

x—x

Haewon discovers that Kyujin’s reading grade was three levels above what was necessary for her age- which puts her in a rather uncommon extra good mood- her chest was fuzzy and her step seemed to have a little more spring in it. Her smile is oddly toothy for the first time in awhile– and Kyujin, being the smartest in her class- notices, and wastes no time on capitalizing on her success.

“Hey mama.” Kyujin tugs at her mother’s sweater- taking Haewon’s attention away from the artworks on the wall to find Kyujin staring at her with those big pleading cat eyes of her’s- and Haewon already has a hunch on what the next conversation was going to entail.

“Yeah Kyu?” 

“Can I please get the game thingy Jiwoo has- if we get one I can play with Jiwoo from home! Even on weekends!”

“Really huh.”

“Yeah. Pleaseeeeee. It’ll be for Christmas!” Kyujin reasons, and Haewon actually did want to reward her somehow- though her idea was more cookies and ice cream and not– hundred dollar console the size of her face.

“Christmas. Good idea yeah. I’ll tell Santa.” Haewon says- only for Kyujin to make a noise that she can only conclude is annoyance, crossing her arms before looking away from Haewon.

“Come on mama– I know Santa isn't real.”

“You do? When did you know that?” Haewon questions– her other mother took the Christmas spirit quite seriously- and even hired fake Santa’s to preserve Kyujin’s childhood innocence.

“Last year's Santa was just Aunty Sol with a beard.” 

Right. 

“Ah… I told mommy to hire a more convincing Santa…”

“It’s okay. But you can’t tell Jiwoo! She still thinks Santa is real.” Kyujin warns her, eyebrows furrowed together in a serious manner- taking her friend's innocence just as seriously as her mother did.

“Roger that.”

“Who said my name?!” Jiwoo comes busting out of the bathroom with Lily in tow, the two now decked in their padded jackets, and Lily’s hair was now tied in a neat ponytail behind her head- a peculiar choice for the winter chill.

“Won’t your ears be cold?” Haewon asks as Jiwoo tackles Kyujin nearly to the ground- the smaller Kyujin barely escaping before running off, Jiwoo chasing her down the lengthy hallway of the school.

“My hair in my face would annoy me more- but I have this, so I’m good.” Lily lifts her arm to show a pair of earmuffs dangling from her hands, and Haewon hums in satisfaction- walking at a slightly faster pace to catch up with the rowdy girls who were almost out of their sight.

“Wait for us kids!” Lily calls out in what Haewon can only assume is a teacher’s tone- and they both stop in their tracks as they wait for their respective parents’ to catch up.

“Me and Jjyu wanna eat burgers.” Kyujin reveals, and Haewon turns to Lily for confirmation.

“Sure. Any idea where?” 

“There’s one in Starfield- pretty good for the price.” Haewon mentions- she’s been in Gangnam for a good 20 years, she knows the good from the bad- though Lily seems a bit taken aback at the suggestion.

“Starfield? Good price?” Lily questions- and though it does flash through Haewon’s mind that yeah just about anything in town was slightly overpriced; it wasn’t anything she couldn't pay.

“Yeah?”

“I trust you then.”

They make their way out of the school– Jiwoo and Kyujin not failing to get distracted by the piles of snow– and the question of transport rings in Haewon’s head.

“Where’s your car? Should we take mine or yours? Or should we go separately?” Haewon questions as if it’s the details of an operation- and Lily seems taken aback yet again, not fully comprehending how someone could be so awkward yet equally as brazen.

“I– don’t have a car. Me and Jiwoo walk here- or we bike if Jiwoo’s too tired.” 

“You bike? From your house to here? Every day?” Haewon questions- was biking a hobby she should get into? What exactly was everyone’s obsession with bikes?

“Well- to everywhere! Buses aren’t too bad either, this country has a much better transportation system than you think Haewon.” Lily asserts, and Haewon has no choice but to agree, even if the last time she used a bus was in college- she remembers the 3 hour long train rides being safe- at the very least.

“Where do you guys live then?” Haewon asks, spotting a pink bike with a child’s seat on the back- eerily similar to one her wife got when they first had Kyujin- intending to bike with her– as Lily said; to everywhere.

“Oh.” Lily– again seems perplexed at Haewon’s words, and she thinks it’s almost comical how Haewon doesn't notice, but for the time being, Lily finds it quite endearing.

“Sorry?” 

“We live- at the village.” Lily admits, a vibrance of shame in her tone as she reveals their origins.

“Guryong?” 

Guryong is dubbed the last shanty in Seoul- an unorganized, underdeveloped village smack in the middle of the most affluent cities in South Korea– sustaining itself fully on its own community and care. Haewon knew mostly the elderly that have been there for decades choose to reside there- and Lily is the first person her age she’s ever known from the area.

“Yeah. That one.” Lily closes her eyes- stops her steps- she’s ready for Haewon to look at her different, to show her disgust the way most of the elite did- even if it was masked behind a smile; Lily is all too familiar with it, and she was more than ready for it.

It never comes.

“Okay.” Haewon says nonchalantly, and Lily- yet again- is shocked at how Haewon just is; one of the most acclaimed doctors in the nation, and she doesn’t seem to give a damn about the village she was from, choosing instead to craft a quick snowball before throwing it at Kyujin- who was busy at the seesaws with Jiwoo.

“Last one to the car isn’t getting any fries!” Haewon shouts, and Jiwoo scrambles off the seesaw to sprint to Haewon’s car– which conveniently was the only car left in the lot. Jiwoo and Kyujin both arrive at once, and Haewon stops right on the pavement, steps away from her car.

“Do you like fries?” Haewon asks, holding the gate open as she waited for Lily to come closer.

“I do.”

“Then after you.” Haewon gestures to her car, even exaggerating enough to bow to Lily as she allowed her to finish third- meaning Haewon would be the one not eating fries for the day.

“Don’t worry.” Lily says as she opens the passenger door to her car, her hand not on the handle guiding the two kids up the bulky vehicle- her eyes remained on Haewon.

“I know how to share.”

x—x

Unsurprisingly, the mall is packed with people bustling about- some tourists and some locals getting their weekend shopping done. It takes them about an hour to finally be seated with their food in front of them. Haewon and Lily sit across from each other with Jiwoo and Kyujin doing the same on the other side of the table.

“I don’t really like fries so we can share Jjyu.” Kyujin says as she puts her basket of fries in between the both of them, Jiwoo happily picking out of Kyujin’s fry basket- chowing down as if those fries were any different from the one in her own.

Haewon takes this opportunity to copy Kyujin’s actions, since Kyujin was clearly much better at making friends than she was, she takes her basket and places it in between her and Lily, offering her an awkward smile.

“We can share too.”

“I know I said I’m good at sharing but I must warn you I am quite serious about my fries.” Lily mentions before taking two fries out of Haewon’s basket- only for Jiwoo to turn and look at her funny.

“Mommy doesn’t even like burgers. She’s gonna eat all your fries Mrs. Kyujin’s Mom!” Jiwoo warns, and Lily shoots her a look that could’ve only been scary if her hair wasn’t so pink.

“Eat your food Jiwoo.” Lily reprimands for airing out her business, but Jiwoo seems pleased with herself before stealing Haewon’s fries instead- in what Haewon can only assume is retaliation- Lily steals some fries out of Jiwoo’s basket, smiling as she stuffed her face with more fries than Jiwoo’s tinier hands were capable of picking up, the younger girl pouting as she wordlessly concedes to her mother, eating out of her own basket instead.

Finally giving up on their great fry war, Jiwoo and Lily finally start going for their burgers, though before any actual eating happens, Jiwoo disassembles her burger before removing each individual strand of lettuce, including the stray ones that had somehow ended up on the bottom half of the bun. She throws them to the side along with the coleslaw- and Haewon watches as Kyujin picks up the scraps of lettuce and pops them into her mouth- neither of them saying a word, as if this were a common routine for them.

“Shouldn’t you eat your vegetables Jiwoo?” Haewon questions, and upon looking to Lily for back up, she finds that Lily has done the exact same thing, even going as far as to remove the entire stacks of onions from her burger- and Haewon can’t stop the laugh that comes out from her mouth, Lily avoiding her eyes in embarrassment– though her hands still continue to pick apart the burger, only making Haewon laugh harder.

“Ms. Morrow… are you not going to eat your vegetables? What would the kids think…” Haewon has to say in between stifled cackles, her hand reaching out to take a piece of tomato from Lily’s plate before popping it in her mouth.

“I have never once preached about vegetable eating in class- we have 7 other teachers at our school and I’m more than happy to let them do that.” Lily denies any forms of hypocrisy, which only makes Haewon laugh harder.

“How old are you?” she asks, and Lily lets out a loud sigh before answering, letting Haewon know she’s not happy with this sudden invasion of privacy. 

“Thirty-eight.” She reveals stoically– and Haewon’s laughter is uncontrollable now.

“Thirty eight years old and scared of onions?” 

“Listen Doctor Oh I know how important vegetables are and blah blah blah but I must inform you that I have lived thirty eight years like this and I’ve never been admitted to a hospital once!” she raises her hands as she defends herself, and Haewon is still laughing, and Lily is still annoyed- though the look of disbelief Haewon is giving her does get her to crack a smile– 

“Alright fine- it is a little absurd– I just don’t like the way they taste! Sue me!” Lily agrees to disagree, and Haewon can only nod before switching her target, looking to Jiwoo instead.

“And what's your excuse Kim Jiwoo?”

“Same as mommy. Veggies taste bleh.” Jiwoo makes a face before side eyeing her half-eaten coleslaw, Kyujin happily munching whatever Jiwoo refused to touch.

“I’ll forgive you because you’re six and not thirty eight.”

“Haewon!”

x—x

They get to Guryong village at about four in the afternoon, after a rather hefty trek through the village grounds, seeing that Haewon’s car was too big to pass through the main entrance into the village.

“Also- I’m worried you might get robbed.” Lily mentions as Haewon parks by the church right outside the residential portion of the village.

“Would they really?”

“They wouldn’t– but it’s not often a car like this comes here, and I don’t exactly have garage space.” Lily tells, and Haewon just nods– and they walk for a good ten minutes before arriving at tiny alleyway, and they walk another three before coming to a house at the corner that’s just as small as the others- and it’s only stand out feature was the pots and vases that decorated the front porch, though it was all covered by a sheet of white from the snow.

“WOW LOOK AT ALL THAT SNOW!” Kyujin steps on a bench in the yard to peer over the pots to see an endless sea of white. Miles and miles of snow seemed to cover what Haewon assumes is farmland in the spring and summer months, Haewon herself enamoured at the vast open land– her eyes already hardwired to seeing endless rows of apartments and skyscrapers. 

“Like it? Our house is special because it’s a corner lot.” Lily boasts, and Haewon can’t help but not in agreement– she does like it, even if the alleyway to the house was littered with metal scraps- the roof seemed to be ready to collapse at any moment, and the walls themselves seemed to be made of what Haewon can only call- recycled materials.

“I didn’t know there was a place like this in the city.” Haewon says, and Lily shrugs.

“We're an illegal settlement so– don’t tell anybody.” Lily is smiling as she says this, quickly unlocking the door and letting Jiwoo in, Kyujin turns immediately at the sound of the door swinging open and bounces towards the front door– the two hastily leaving their shoes at the door before stepping inside.

Haewon watches her boots leave tracks in the snow before she steps on the porch barely the width of her arm, Lily still holding the door open for her as she struggles to remove her shoes- taking a good extra 30 seconds before getting inside.

The interior of the home looked not even the slightest bit run down as opposed to the exterior- the walls were painted an off-white ivory with the floor a teak finish- and there seemed to be a lack of any actual rooms- though another section of the house was partitioned off with a piece of white nylon decorated with Jiwoo’s scribbles. To Haewon’s left was the kitchen, a clutter of kitchen machinery decorated the counter, and to her right was what Haewon assumed to be a living room- though void of a couch, there was a short table that was faced in front of the TV with cushions that Haewon assumed doubled as seats. Among the cushions was also a thin mattress with a couple of stray toys on it.

“Beep beep!” Jiwoo and Kyujin come out from behind the sheet on a bright pink bike- with Jiwoo steering as Kyujin held on from behind, and Haewon chuckles as Jiwoo spins around and around the home as if it were the grandest park in the world.

“Careful Jjyu.” Lily tells gently as she shuts the door behind her, walking towards the kitchen- Haewon follows behind like a lost puppy, standing in the middle of the kitchen, waiting for Lily to say anything to her.

“Sorry. I didn't buy any chairs- they take up way too much space.” Lily says as she shifts through the drawers and cabinets, putting cups and cans on the counter.

“I get it. Expensive too.” Haewon takes the moment to look more around the house- she slowly approaches the small space in between the kitchen and the living area, where a play-kitchen was placed next to a cabinet that Haewon can only assume is full of toys.

“Hello! What would you like to order?” Kyujin suddenly appears- and Haewon looks back to see the bike abandoned and Jiwoo waddling towards them.

“I’ll make it! You can take the order!” Jiwoo says excitedly as she pops open the cabinet, miniature fries and burgers falling out.

“What do you sell here?” Haewon plays along, leaning down to be closer to Kyujin’s earshot.

“Anything! You just say it!” Kyujin says as Jiwoo hands her a notepad and a pencil, Kyujin now more than eager to take her order.

“Coffee, three shots… and some… hmmmm. Let me think harder…” 

“What a fussy customer.” Jiwoo barely whispers to Kyujin- and Lily laughs out loud from the kitchen, shaking her head before lightly reprimanding Jiwoo.

“You can’t say that in front of the customer Jiwoo!” and Jiwoo immediately straightens before bowing a ninety degree bow to Haewon.

“I am sorry customer.” Jiwoo says solemnly, and Haewon stifles a laugh before continuing her make believe order.

“Yes. I have decided. I want some soup.” 

“Coming right up!” Kyujin turns to Jiwoo and they start getting busy- and Haewon turns back to Lily who seems to be whipping up something from a green can- and Haewon slowly approaches her before leaning on the counter, watching whatever it was Lily was doing.

“I unfortunately don’t take coffee- but I swear this is really good.” Lily slides Haewon a glass of whatever it was she made, and Haewon picks it up before taking a sniff, pleasantly finding that it smelt like chocolate.

“Chocolate?”

“Special chocolate.” Lily corrects, and Haewon takes a sip- another pleasant surprise.

“I like it.” 

“Who wouldn't.” Lily smirks before turning to make another cup, and Haewon tries to not finish it in one shot, and lucky for her- she’s stopped by a very tiny, very enthusiastic restaurant employee.

“Order up!” Jiwoo yells as if Kyujin isn’t right next to her- and Kyujin quickly takes the plate and cup to Haewon, on her tiptoes as she hands the plastic pizza to her mother.

“Enjoy your meal!” Kyujin says before running off- ready to serve imaginary customers– who happened to be a line of various IKEA animals waiting at the table.

“We can share.” Haewon says with a grin before sliding the pizza in between her and where Lily was standing.

“Looks like there's some broccoli on it though- hope you don’t mind.” Haewon teases as she spots some green on the plastic, Lily rolling her eyes before bringing two cups of the chocolate drink to the small table in the living room.

“For the hardworking employees.” Lily says with the sweetest smile a woman could have before coming back over to Haewon, and the two kids rush towards their drinks- and Haewon thinks it’s hilarious how they move as if they were the busiest people in the world, rushing to their every location– maybe the world seems to move faster for their little bodies, the energy in their little legs always just on the verge of bursting at the seams. 

“So. Fellow adult?” is how Lily greets her when she steps back into the kitchen.

“Yes. What adult activity should we do?” Haewon asks innocently– though she immediately catches herself afterwards, her face cringing at the innuendo while Lily snorts at her words.

“My gosh Doctor Oh… is this who you are?” Lily is giggling as she opens the fridge- and Haewon notices that she always has to be doing something with her hands, even if it was just purposeless movements- her fingers always seemed to be moving, touching, fiddling-  it was cute, to say the least.

“Who knew the best teacher in Guryong preschool had such a dirty mind?”

“Oh you will find that I’m very professional at work Doctor Oh.” Lily counters, crouching down as she rummaged through her fridge.

“I’ve heard good things.” Haewon takes another sip of the chocolate milk of sorts- and this time she downs it in one shot, silently praying to the universe her lactose intolerance wouldn’t act up.

“We could watch a movie?” Lily suggests, finally pulling a bottle of what Haewon can only hope is wine out of the fridge.

“That sounds good yeah.”

“Or we could have a conversation over wine and tea like real adults.” Lily jokes- and Haewon’s mouth twists in disdain before glancing at the plastic pizza by her side– she really doesn't want to be an adult today.

“That just doesn't sound as good.”

x—x

Somehow– despite their reluctance towards adult activities– Haewon ends up on Lily’s bed, a double bed with yet another TV facing it. In the corner of the room was another super single sized mattress- where Jiwoo insisted on sleeping after she claimed to become a big girl (at age four- mind you).

The bottle of wine is nestled in between them- the plastic pizza, somehow multiplying into plastic nuggets and plastic steak after the two hard working employees came to offer them all sorts of sweets and treats- trailing them all the way to the bed. Right above the scatter of toys was the bottle of wine, and both their glasses were empty- though Lily clearly drank a lot more than she bargained for, with Haewon only taking half a glass with the reason that she had to drive back later.

They actually did watch a movie– or at least- tried to watch a movie. Lily put on Finding Nemo out of everything Netflix had to offer; claiming it was Haewon’s introduction to her hometown Australia.

“Why did you come here?” Haewon asks- the wine and plastic pizza aiding her in cracking down her walls, there wasn’t an ounce of awkwardness between them now- save for Haewon’s general demeanor.

“Korea? Or Guryong?”

“Both.”

“I came here to find my mom. She came back here once and never called back home– and I guess I wanted answers.”

“Did you find her?”

“Yeah. Here. This house.” Lily replies. “She told me she was ashamed of her life here- so she never called back.” 

“To this day I honestly never got it- why she couldn't just– tell us. But I didn’t have time to ask, and maybe I don’t even want to know.” Lily stops for a moment, and her eyes seem to wander off somewhere, as if she were still questioning her mother’s departure- decades later.

“I just wanted to see her again.” 

There’s a silence that takes over them as Lily says the words– and somehow a wordless exchange begins– Haewon understands it, how desperate you can be, to see someone again- to hold someone again. And for the person to be family– there was another level of desperation to it, to put the pieces back together, to find your family again- to become whole again.

To come home again.

“Where is she?” Haewon asks, wondering if Lily’s mother ever returned to the place Lily calls her hometown.

“Ah. Six years ago there was a fire, took her away from me for good.” Lily turns her head to look at Haewon, and she’s smiling this sombre smile- something Haewon can only interpret as the look of someone who's moved on- who’s managed to come to terms with the burn and the ashes.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it Doctor Oh. I did get Jiwoo out of it so– an eye for an eye.” Lily tells, and Haewon arches an eyebrow at her statement- sure the timeline lined up, but a deadly fire isn’t exactly a way to have a baby– medically speaking at least.

“Right, I should explain. Jiwoo is adopted. That day, during the fire– there was this couple, new baby- I guess it stressed them out, when the fire broke out, they ran for their lives alone- leaving their little baby to die in the fire.”

“But she didn’t die. Her future grandma tried to save her at the cost of her own life. I was at work the whole time.” Lily lets out a long sigh before facing the ceiling- closing her eyes, taking herself back to that very day.

“That baby had no name, no home, no parents- and the one grandma that cared about her died in the fire they tried to kill her in.”

“So I held her in my arms, dragged myself to the civil registry– and now she’s mine.” Lily’s sombre smile has upturned into one of happiness, and Haewon finds it calming- to watch her emotions dance on her face, to see someone who wore her heart on her sleeve unabashedly.

“I lied on the documents, said she was mine biologically- worse comes to worst I’ll just bring her back to Australia with me on a raft.”

“How’d you even do that? They ask for like– a thousand signatures from a million people.” Haewon questions, knowing all the hospital documents and certificates they would request.

“I just said I lost them in the fire.” Lily grins, as if she’d hatched the most brilliant plan in the nation- to which Haewon can only smile, she seems truly happy- despite everything.

“What about you Doctor Oh? What’s your story?” Lily asks as if Haewon is the main character of some story- and Haewon’s face twists with confusion; she’s only been asked this once before– by none other than her late wife, the first day they met.

Ironically, the first day she and Haewon met was also the first time Haewon decided to step out of her unchanging routine- the day right after she’d received her PhD.

Perhaps it was the deja vu, or just the sheer similarity of the situation, but Haewon tells her story the same way.

“I’m from Incheon- my dad, he’s actually still alive- but he doesn’t remember me, or anything.” Haewon sucks in a shaky breath, she rarely ever told this story to anyone- because doing so made everything feel too real, too human. And while these days, Haewon often felt all too human- it was still nothing but a rift in her well oiled machine– an error in her software.

“I like to think that all humans are just- kinda like machines, and that my dad is just broken– and I can fix him someday.”

“But then my mom died- and I couldn’t fix that– couldn’t fix her. They said she died in her sleep- from watching my father lose himself. I didn’t get it then- he was the sick one but she was the one that died from it…” 

“I’ve always wanted to be doctor– at first I liked robots, so I wanted to be an engineer but- I thought humans were the most interesting robots, so I took the chance and then–” Haewon takes a moment to turn and glance at the silent Lily, not a trait Haewon ever assigned to her from the few hours they’ve known each other.

“Go on. I’m listening. Not sleeping- promise.” Lily jokes, and Haewon lets out a snort before turning back to the ceiling, sifting through her memories to look for the ones she wanted to present to her– the same ones she’d presented to her wife all those years ago.

“I got through it somehow- someone said once that it was because I was crazy. And I guess I agree, and my residency was in trauma surgery- in my head I was like, a mechanic for people- fixing up all those people in the ER, I liked it.”

“Then my dad.. he was 63. They consider it early to get it at that age– but he did, and he just- he became someone else, a stranger even.” Haewon recalls the day she returned home- it takes about an hour to get to her home by car, and by the time she found time to return- it was too late. She was nothing but a stranger to him, a kind young woman who helped him up the stairs of a home he didn’t recognise as his own.

“My fellowship was still in trauma- but I started working to find a way to fix him- I got papers and tests and samples and- I went back to my old school- begged them to let me work on it, and what’d you know? I got a PhD out of it- and everyone in the district knew my name.”

“I didn’t get my dad back though.”

“And I lost my mom.” Haewon laughs at the irony– tried so hard to save him only to lose them both.

“I just never save the people that actually matter.” Haewon lets out a pained chuckle before feeling a warmth against her hand, finding that Lily’s hand had inched closer, her palm facing up- offering Haewon her presence; a single bonfire roaring in the middle of the endless blizzard.

Haewon hesitates, but she takes her hand- slotting her fingers into Lily’s one by one- slipping into each other like the key pins of a true lock, and Lily is a driver the way she ever so gently squeezes the hand in hers, unlocking another piece of her story.

“I met my wife right after all that- and I guess that’s the only reason I’m not dead yet.” Haewon is silent after that, the first time she told this story- she hadn’t met her wife yet, and so she wasn’t sure how to continue on- how to tell the part of Haewon’s story that was about her.

“It does sound painful.” Lily characteristically breaks the silence, and Haewon can only agree inwardly- more than she was in pain- she was numb, neither happy nor sad; just a machine, completing her engineered tasks- no longer a creator and hero desperate to save lives, just another doctor in the hospital– waiting for the discontinuation of her spare parts, becoming just another hunk of scrap metal.

“I wish I could save every kid out there.” Lily’s hand starts to stir in Haewon’s hold, beginning to fiddle with Haewon’s fingers, and she allows her- feeling that this too, was a form of comfort.

“That’s my biggest gripe with myself– that I can’t teach every single kid out there how to be themselves- fend for themselves.”

Maybe Lily just has a much better way with words than her— but Haewon can’t shake the premonition that the way Lily directs the conversation, like a summertime stream, lets it flow unbarred and free wherever she wants it to go. And this time– Haewon allows the current to take her.

“I have Jiwoo- but there are so many kids out there who just— even around the corner, across the street- they don’t get to play like she does, they don’t get to be like she does.” Lily carries her confession, and her words tick something in Haewon’s heart- she thinks about Kyujin, despite her bed two sizes too big- her toys piled in a corner– she never played, at least not the way she did today. No one made her mysteriously delicious chocolate drinks, no one taught her how to cycle down alleyways. She’s never been given– at least by Haewon– the childhood she deserved.

Lily had half- perhaps even just a quarter of the wealth Haewon had, yet her home had double the amount of life Haewon’s house had.

“I guess some people say that I’m spoiling her. Which is true- I guess— I just know how much worse it would’ve been if she never were my daughter you know? Her parents left her in a building to burn alive— she deserves all the love she can get.”

“Everybody deserves all the love they can get.” Lily is looking right at Haewon as she says this, and it makes Haewon nervous- the idea of receiving something that wasn’t just a piece of paper with her achievements written on it. She’s been numb for so long it felt strange to be offered a cure instead of a palliative.

“You know Kyujin, she asked me- the other day.”

Haewon is scared to know the question– horrified to know the answer.

“Where her mommy was.”

~~~

Kyujin returned to school on the second day of the year– only a week after her mother’s funeral, after she told Jinsol she missed Jiwoo- and saying that ‘it’s boring hanging out with Aunty Sol every day’. 

Kyujin understood none of it, why so many people in black came to her house, why her mommy stopped coming home one day, why her grandma wasn’t talking to her- why her mama looked so sad. Her mama always had a silly face– a face others would perceive as cold and stoic– but Kyujin always just thought it was funny, like a bear.

But these days- she was always sad, and busy- but Kyujin was already used to the latter.

“Ms. Morrow- can I ask you for some help? Pleasee.” Lily- since Kyujin returned to school for the new year- has been on high alert in regards to Kyujin the entire day, watching her- praying and hoping her mother’s death hadn’t destroyed the chirpy baby her and the entire staff had come to love. And though she showed no signs of being any different than the Kyujin that left for winter break, the sudden request for help did alarm Lily.

“What's wrong?” Lily asks as if her heart wasn’t trembling with worry, her head tilting as she crouches down to meet Kyujin’s height.

“Can you call my mommy to pick me up?”

Ah.

“Why? A-are you sick?” Lily’s head starts to spin as it rushes through all the ways she could possibly explain this to Kyujin- throughout her career as a teacher, from Australia all the way to Korea- she’s never had to navigate a kid through loss- much less through grief.

“No. For later! After sc-hool!” Kyujin explains, and Lily sucks in a breath, she knows Kyujin well enough that she knows she’s asking for her late mother- and not her mama, who Lily has never met before- and she also knows Kyujin well enough that she knows- that Kyujin knows, that her mama was always busy; being a famous doctor and all.

“Oh. Your mommy?” Lily tries to stall as her subconscious tries to formulate a game plan, an explanation- maybe even an alternative. 

“Yeah! You remember right Ms. Morrow? She used to come every day with Aunty Sol?! Now it’s always just Aunty Sol that picks me up. Can you call mommy so she can pick me up?” Kyujin asks, so innocent that Lily has to bite back the desire to just break down and give up in front of Kyujin- whether it was over her late mother, or her own incompetence- Lily isn’t sure. 

“K-Kyujin?”

“Yeah?”

“What about if your mama picks you up?” Lily suggests instead– is she really the one meant to be having this conversation with Kyujin? What if she crossed a boundary? What if she explained it in a way that would only make things more complicated down the line? They didn’t teach this in college- they probably didn’t teach this anywhere.

“I don’t know Ms. Morrow. Mama is always really busy these days. I don’t wanna bo-ther her.”

Of course Kyujin knows that. She knows everything about her mama.

When Lily asked Kyujin about her now late mother- she knew crucial things, but few things- she was the only kid in class that memorized both her parents’ numbers, as well as Jinsol’s. She remembers her own address, and she told Lily that if Lily wanted to go- Kyujin remembers the road to her mommy’s flower shop from here. She knows her mommy owned a garden somewhere in the countryside- and she knows her favourite animal is the cat.

But her mama- Doctor Oh Haewon; Kyujin knew everything about her. Kyujin knows she has a ‘Pee-Ate-Dee’ as she called it, she knows it was about ‘the ouchie that makes you forget stuff!’, she knows the address to the hospital she works, she knows the name of the nurse that heads the ER- ‘Miss PhamPham’ she calls- she knows of a Doctor Lee Taemin, Doctor Seol Yoona, and a few other names even Lily can’t recall. She knows Oh Haewon is an emergency surgeon- and a brain surgeon. She knows Oh Haewon went to Yonsei, and she knows Oh Haewon likes bands and the ‘funny pop songs’. She even knows Oh Haewon’s blood type because ‘it’s the same as mine!’. Honestly, Lily wouldn’t be surprised if Kyujin could recite the entirety of Oh Haewon’s research paper by heart.

Perhaps it’s twisted- but no matter how busy, how ridiculously uninvolved she was in Kyujin’s life– Lily is glad Oh Haewon is the one that’s still alive.

“Right. Okay. Come here Kyu. Do you want to sit with me?” Lily starts up a smile before she sits cross legged on the floor, leaning her back against the table- and Kyujin takes this as an invitation to sit on her lap instead, which Lily can only welcome- with the gravity of what she was about to tell her, Kyujin could ask for the stars and she’d say okay. 

“Okay. Why? Is there som-thing wrong?” 

“No you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Lily inhales- she can only try.

“Your mommy— she- she’s somewhere really really far away now.”

Typical. Expected. Cliché. But it’s all Lily knows- and she can only try.

“Aww shucks. Far-er than the garden?”

“Further than the garden. She’s in the sky.”

“Sky?! Why didn’t she bring me?” Kyujin seems genuinely offended, jumping off her lap- ready to run up to the sky and demand her mother to tell her why she left her on the ground.

“You have to be invited to go there.” Lily just tries– and prays Kyujin doesn’t ask how she was supposed to get an invitation to the sky.

“Awwww. So she can’t come pick me up?” 

“I’m sorry Kyu.” Lily apologizes, for both her semi-lying to her, and for the loss she hasn’t fully understood yet. 

“Do… Do you miss her?” Lily takes the chance, to make sure she’s okay- to quell any doubts or worries she had in her little mind, she holds out her arms- and Kyujin accepts the hug- Lily wonders if anyone ever hugs her at home. 

“Yeah. A bit. She didn’t even tell me she was going to the sky!” Kyujin complains about it as if it’s Jiwoo stealing her snacks again- and Lily can only try- humming in understanding.

“She must’ve been in a rush.”

“She didn’t even say bye-bye to me! Hmph.” Kyujin is sulky now, and Lily pulls her closer.

“It’s okay Kyu. She’s in the sky- you can see her all the time, any time.” 

Again– she tries.

“Oh yeahhhh! You’re always right Ms. Morrow. She must’ve said som-thing— but I can’t hear her because she’s so high up!”

“Right. You’re very smart Kyu.”

“Thanks!”

“Okie. I’ll go outside now. To see mommy! And play!” 

“Alright. Take care. You know you can always tell me anything right?”

“Okie dokie Ms. Morrow!” Kyujin pulls away from her embrace- but before she runs out of the classroom- she looks back at Lily, and her brows are furrowed, as if trying to piece everything together.

“Ms. Morrow?”

“Yes Kyujin?”

“Is mama really sad- because mommy went to the sky?” Kyujin says slowly- as if she were making sense of the words just as they left her mouth.

“I would think so- yes.” Lily is struggling to try now– Kyujin knows, because of course she does- she knows what a PhD is.

“Ms. Morrow?”

“Anything Kyujin?”

“Mommy… isn’t coming back is she?”

“I’m sorry Kyujin.” Lily crawls her way over to Kyujin before hugging her- unsure if it was for her or for Kyujin.

“Is… that why mama, grandma– Aunty Sol… is that why they’re all sad?” Kyujin asks, not hugging back- though she rests her chin on Lily’s shoulder before tugging at her shirt.

“I’d say so. Yeah.”

“Should I be sad too Ms. Morrow?”

“You can do whatever you want Kyujin."

“Then, can I go and play?”

“Anything.”

~~~

“She’s too smart for her own good.” Haewon lets go of Lily’s hand to run both her hands through her hair as she squeezes her eyes shut- unable to do anything but sigh at the situation.

“Listen Haewon– I’m sorry I couldn’t lie to her- I just–”

“No you were right. You did it better than I probably could. I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For not doing it myself. Sometimes even I don’t believe she’s gone. Kyujin can but I can’t. How stupid is that?” Haewon wears a cynical smile on her lips, closing her eyes together tighter- begging someone to just sew them shut already.

“Haewon–”

“I still text her. Everyday. Before I go home- every day. Like she’s still alive- like I’ll come home and she’ll be there to heat up my food for me.” Haewon sits up before burying her head in her lap, gripping the hair she had in her hands, gritting her teeth in frustration.

“I’m sorry.”

“Now you’re sorry again– what are we doing? Feeling sorry for each other? What’s the point of it?” Haewon folds herself in deeper, head practically in between her lap- the only thing preventing her from just falling down to the ground like a child throwing a tantrum.

“What else is there to do Haewon? Adults only know how to feel sorry for each other.” Lily moves from the head board to sit with Haewon at the edge of the bed, sitting close enough that Haewon could feel the heat of her body- but not enough for their skin to brush against each other.

“When my mother died- all the adults could say to me was sorry, the priest- my neighbours– and that was all I could say in return.”

“Sorry your house burned. Sorry your cat died.” Lily repeats the sentences she’d repeated all through that week- a sorry for a sorry, nothing more nothing less– they were adults after all, they had to move on; no matter how painful loss may be.

“Do you want to go out and see the sky- Haewon?” Lily offers, and Haewon’s first reaction was offence– she wasn't a child. She didn't even believe in things like the afterlife and the seven skies.

But maybe it was the sky– or the sorries.

Haewon turns her head to look up at Lily- and even her eyes- they looked sorry. 

Haewon was sick of it.

“Alright. Let's do it.” Haewon abruptly stands from the bed to march towards the living room, swiping the curtain harshly before rushing to her coat, earning the attention of the two kids, who were busy bickering over the nintendo switch- now focused on Haewon’s rushed state.

“Mama? Are we going back already?” 

“No. I’m going to see the sky. and snow. and other things.” Haewon reveals her plans, expecting Kyujin and Jiwoo to just go back to their game- but they both jump with joy- not even turning off the switch before running to Haewon’s side.

“Let’s go! I wanna see other things!” Kyujin echoes, also racing to get her coat along with Jiwoo, and Lily too makes her way to where the coats were- not before leaving some of the glasses in the sink.

“Snow ducks! We can make snow ducks!” Jiwoo exclaims as she rushes back to her stack of toys, pulling out two of the snow-duck moulds, handing one to the already dressed Kyujin before busily getting dressed herself. 

Outside, the kids get their boots on faster than Lily can even shut the door, running down the steps to get to the farmland- only for Jiwoo to stop them right beside the heap of trash that neighboured both Lily and the farmland.

“Take this.” Jiwoo rummages through the trash to retrieve the two trash can lids that presumably belonged to the metal trash cans that were meant to be housing the pile, handing one to Kyujin before they both rushed up to the clearing, Lily materializing behind her with a thick rope in hand, tossing it to Haewon- who fails to catch it, the rope leaving a dent in the snow.

“Come on, Mrs. Kyujin’s Mom!! Hurry up ‘n come over here!” Jiwoo and Kyujin are already in the middle of the clearing, waiting for their respective parents to come over and play with them.

“What is this for…”

“Tie it to the lids. Drag them around. It’s basically sledding.”

“And we’re meant to be… sled dogs?” 

“Precisely Doctor Oh.” Lily grins as she skips past Haewon, picking up the end of the rope swiftly before running over to the kids– does she not have back problems?

Haewon approaches the trio slowly while Lily ties the ends of the rope around the handles of the lids, securing them with a light tug before tracing her hand towards the centerpoint of the rope- picking it up to hand to Haewon.

“All yours Rudolph.” Lily says as Haewon takes the rope in her hand, the two kids already seated on the lids.

“Are you sure it’s safe?” Haewon asks, to which Lily giggles before turning to Jiwoo.

“Is it safe Jjyu?”

“I broke my arm once!”

“HUH?!”

“It was only one time!”

“AND?!”

“You only get hurt if you let go!” Jiwoo adds enthusiastically, like breaking bones wasn’t a big deal- and maybe it wasn’t– but what if it wasn't her hands this time? What if it was her head? Or her legs? It would hurt regardless. Why wasn’t she scared? Or traumatized? Had she forgotten the pain already? Why did–

“Let me demonstrate.” Lily takes the rope away from Haewon, and before she can protest, Lily starts darting across the clearing- Kyujin and Jiwoo laughing as they were dragged away by the older woman, the two gripping onto the rope as they skidded across the snow, leaving trails of white behind them as they circled around the area.

“This is totally safe mama!!” Kyujin screams as she bounces on the thicker patches of snow, smiling wider than Haewon has ever seen as they made their second loop around the track- Lily was a lot faster than she looked, barely taking a breath as she zigzagged through the snow, coming close enough to shower her with snow- a loud series of chuckles following as they watched Haewon flinch from the spray.

“HEY!” Haewon protests before chasing after the entourage, Kyujin and Jiwoo laughing louder as they watched Haewon stumble about in the snow, the thickness slowing her down.

“How are you running so fast?!” Haewon complains as she manages to reach a thinner part of the clearing, finally managing to pick up the pace she successfully gets within a two meter distance of the racing lids, picking up bundles of snow to throw at them, Jiwoo and Kyujin only laughing harder as they dodged the attacks.

“DODGE MOMMY DODGE!” Jiwoo commands, and Lily turns for a split second to gauge Haewon’s distance- another devilish grin flashing on her face before she takes a sharp right, racing up the hill nearby– and Haewon’s jaw falls.

“NO FAIR MORROW!” Haewon heaves before back tracking- only watching as Lily and the kids made their rounds on the incline of the hill– and Haewon thinks Lily must be a superhero of sorts.

“YOU CAN’T STAY UP THERE FOREVER!” Haewon calls out, and she can hear their laughter echo from above– watching the tiny figures move about, orchestrating something Haewon couldn't exactly put her finger on.

After a minute of waiting- she watches in horror as Kyujin and Jiwoo both come speeding down the hill- Lily running next to them, the rope no longer attached to the handles as they sled down the hill at what Haewon’s anxious mind perceives to be mach speeds.

“CAREFUL!” Haewon doesn’t know who she’s yelling at, eyes darting from Jiwoo to Kyujin to Lily– who was in between the kids– while Haewon’s kid wore not a hint of fear, only adorning the signature cheeky look across her face– looking right at Haewon.

“THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!” Kyujin screeches as they reach the bottom of the hill, skidding to a stop right next to where Haewon was- forehead still creased with worry as she scuffled through the snow to get to Kyujin, not noticing the grown woman heading towards her with her superhuman speed– her momentum rendering her unable to move out of Haewon’s path.

“MAMA!” 

Haewon feels her back hit the chill of the snow as Lily Morrow pummels her into the ground- a loud thud sounding first before a choked out scream, Haewon struggling to get the sound out of her mouth with Lily’s weight pressed on top of her. 

After a moment of silence, a third sound then rings through the clearing, a chortling noise from right above Haewon’s immobilized figure.

“Are you laughing Ms. Morrow?” Haewon can barely see the sky, Lily had fallen in an awkward position, the left half of her body was on top of Haewon’s, though only the side of her face was planted into the snow, facing away from Haewon so that her actual skin wasn’t in contact with any of Haewon’s face– only her hair scattered all over her vision, Haewon forced to shut her eyes so the individual strands wouldn’t poke into her corneas. 

And to help with this situation– Lily only laughs louder.

“Are you guys okay?” Kyujin comes to ask, and Haewon can barely see her through the pink hair all over her face, and while Lily’s shampoo is nice– and her body is warm– being buried under two feet of snow wasn’t exactly ideal.

“I’m sorry- are you o– shit!” Lily finally makes and attempt to move off of Haewon, lifting her chest and turning her head to look at her crash victim- but the hand she used to adjust shoots straight through the snow, now burying Lily deeper into the ground, her face falling straight into the crook of Haewon’s neck, the tip of her nose digging into the dip of her clavicle, Haewon writhing in shock before freezing in place, Kyujin and Jiwoo rushing to their sides to help dig their parents out from the snow.

“HEHE! Mommy said a bad word!” Jiwoo mentions as she searches for her mother’s hand in the midst of all the snow, trying her best to pull Lily out of the snow, and with slight struggle from the kids and a nudge from Haewon, Lily successfully pulls away from Haewon– face bright red as she holds out her hand for Haewon to take– which she instinctively does; only for Lily to shove her back down– the second thud even louder than the first.

“Fuck!” Haewon groans as her ass hits the ground first– her eyes going wide as she realizes what she said– the little Jiwoo hovering around her opening her eyes even wider as she registered Haewon’s curse.

“A MEGA BAD WORD!” Jiwoo gasps in response to Haewon’s slip, Lily trying not giggle as she started to run away, Haewon shooting up to look at Kyujin’s reaction- who seemed more confused than anything.

“What’s a fuck?” Kyujin asks nonchalantly– and Haewon facepalms with such a force it makes a slapping sound– and Lily again responds to the situation by laughing harder, skipping around the clearing away from them, and Haewon snorts as she gets up from the her-shaped hole in the snow, packing some of the white into a firm ball- sporting a mischievous grin at the giggly Lily before racing through the snow at a pace Haewon hasn’t been at since she was 16– and as a surgeon; precision was key– and that’s how she hurls the snowball square on the back of Lily’s head, nearly eliciting the third big bad word of the day.

“HEY!” Lily rubs the snowflakes off her hair before packing her own bullets, and Jiwoo and Kyujin take this as an invitation to join in on the snowball fight- hurling much tinier patches of snow to each other– a free for all commencing between the four as snow flew in all directions.

“Fuckkkkkkk!” Kyujin roars her battlecry as she kicks some snow into Jiwoo’s face– making both Lily and Haewon stop mid throw, immediately snapping their heads to Kyujin- who tried her best to look as innocent as humanly possible.

“You can’t say that.” They both say at the same time- which causes Lily to snort, though her strict face returns instantly, making sure Kyujin understands the terror of curse words.

“But mama said it!” Kyujin argues back, and Lily’s glare turns to Haewon now- who raises her hands in surrender.

“It was an accident!” Haewon argues before throwing a lazy snowball at Kyujin- who giggles before throwing a snowball at Jiwoo- who lets out a high pitched screech before chasing Kyujin around, the two yapping at each other as patches of snow flew into air– the adults watching silently as Jiwoo finally manages to catch up to Kyuin, clamoring on top of the smaller girl’s back despite her protests.

“Forward traitor!”

“Since when were we on a team?!”

“We’re always a team. Go go!”

Haewon sighs as she watches the children be children- only for another oversized child to throw a snowball smack on her cheek, Haewon snapping her head to Lily– grinning like she’d just won the lottery.

“This is ridiculous.” Haewon breathes out before leaning back down to stock up on snowballs as Lily walks up to her, a mischevious hand behind her back— Haewon pretends not to notice. 

“At least it’s not sorry.” Lily chimes– only giving Haewon a second to overthink her words before throwing yet another snowball at Haewon, who blocks the hit with her forearms before retaliating- Lily easily dodging before running off- rushing towards the house this time, Haewon’s last snowball barely managing to graze Lily’s shoulder.

Lily turns right before she reaches the end of the clearing, breathless from the running- but her voice is still loud and clear– her eyes brighter than the summer sun, glimmering like how all stars do.

“Hot chocolate anybody?!”

x—x

Haewon wakes up the next day to the smell of hot chocolate and her ringtone blaring in her ear, with an exasperated Kyujin shaking her awake- her blaring phone in hand.

“Mamaaaa. Aunty Sol is calling! She’s been calling for hoursssss.”

“What…” Haewon turns away from Kyujin’s pandering, snuggling into the warmth of the futon as she tried to return to sleep– though the part of her that was the ever working machine tries to piece together what happened last night, where she was-  and why on earth Jinsol was calling her nonstop.

Ah.

After dinner, Jiwoo and Kyujin insisted Haewon play the part of mighty steed in their princess pretend game. Then they changed her role to Lord Farquaad. Then they forced her into the role of pet chicken. Under Jiwoo’s excuse that- Haewon was apparently a terrible actor, and only the animal roles were easy enough for her to play.

After reprising her role of the mighty steed the 3rd time that night (Jiwoo and Kyujin just wanted piggy back rides), Haewon was nothing short of exhausted– and Lily so kindly offered them to stay the night in the living room, providing them with what Haewon thinks must be the softest mattress in the world– with Kyujin more than excited to finally get to sleepover at her bestest friend’s house than about the grade A mattress. 

“Maaaaaaaaa. Wake up! Your phone is noisyyy.” Kyujin complains again, pulling the blanket off Haewon’s body– the latter feeling around to grab it back, a grunt of annoyance leaving her throat before her response.

“Then pick it up Kyu…” Haewon tells, and though her eyes are closed, she can see Kyujin shaking her head ferociously, yanking the blanket away even further so that Haewon couldn’t play a makeshift tug of war with her anymore.

“I don’t know your pass-word!” Kyujin reminds, and without warning, the volume of the ringtone spikes to its maximum frequency, the noise shooting directly into Haewon’s ear– jolting the doctor awake.

“Oh god.” Haewon’s hand flies to cover her right ear as she sits up, wincing as she recovered from the noise pollution, plucking the phone away from Kyujin to punch in her password and pick it up- pressing the phone to her left ear instead.

“What is it Bae Jinsol?” Haewon’s voice is still grounded with annoyance- though Jinsol parries with just as much in her own timbre.

“Where the hell are you guys?!”

“I’m– We’re at Lily’s house.” 

“LILY?! What Lily?? Lily Morrow?! Kyujin’s teacher?”

“Yes. God. What do you want.”

“I thought you killed yourself and Kyu! Haven’t you watched TV Haewon? All kinds of crazy shit about moms killing their kids and shit!”

“Jinsol. You watch too many soap operas.” Haewon grimaces at the unintentional reminder of that night in the cold– but she presses on– Jinsol just cares; and that was in truth– the only thing keeping her alive for now.

“Absolutely not! This is a valid concern! I am Kyujin’s guardian! And apparently yours too!”

“I’m old enough to take care of myself- Jinsol.”

“HAH! Even your patients don’t believe that.”

“Shut up. I’m fine. Kyujin is fine.”

“Kyujin is fine!” Kyujin echoes, just loud enough for Jinsol to hear, and she can hear Jinsol’s face change through the phone– her best smile for her best niece– despite there never being a blood relation; it was what Jinsol always said.

“Hi Kyu!” Jinsol's chirping is enough for Haewon to turn on the loudspeaker, putting the phone in between her and her daughter, who excitedly greeted her guardian angel– or perhaps guardian devil. Sometimes the receipts Jinsol handed her for purely entertainment purposes were just absurd. Perhaps Haewon should have a word with Jinsol about saying no once in a while.

“Did you eat yet?”

“Not yet. We were waiting for mama to wake up!”

“Ah, should I still whip something for you guys then? Are you coming back soon?” Jinsol asks, and Haewon finally looks around the house to spot Lily by the kitchen, hard at work chopping at a few things before tossing them into the wok she’d set up– and the sight- mundane as it is– stuns Haewon for a moment, though a few strands of her disheveled hair obscures her vision, she was still rendered speechless as she watched Lily measure a tablespoon of soy sauce- the sunlight dancing across the pink of her hair.

It’s so– mundane– something so normal to see, but in the way that the sun was normal to see, in the way that it rises and it sets every day– something normal to see.

“Uh…”

“Ms. Morrow is cooking for us! Fried rice!” Kyujin answers quickly enough to cover for her distracted parent, Haewon pulling her eyes away from the sun and back to the blue light of her phone- Jinsol’s profile image of a baby chicken staring back at her.

“SWEET! Do I get the day off then?” Jinsol asks excitedly, and Haewon rubs at her eyes before looking back at Lily.

Haewon never really thought much of it, but she does love to see the sun rise.

“Sure…”

“Hell yeah! Gonna call Yoona– I mean- NOTHING. BYE!” 

Haewon can only snort at her friend before tossing her phone to Kyujin’s mattress just as Lily seems to be about done with the fried rice— watching as she carries the large wok to the table, placing a trivet in the center before putting down the wok so it wouldn’t tip over. 

“Good morning.” Haewon’s voice is still raspy as she drags her ass on the floor to get to the food, not caring if she looked ridiculous. 

“Good morning!” Lily greets back with a chirp, and Kyujin seems to be just as busy, pulling out chopsticks and spoons- balancing bowls as she helped Lily set the table.

“Jinsol and you sound close.” Lily comments almost sharply, and Haewon shrugs, more focused on the fried rice in front of her, the dish seemingly void of any green colourants.

“Yeah. She’s like- a sister to me, I guess.” Haewon says, pulling away from the wok so that Kyujin could place a bowl and utensils in front of her- proudly smiling to herself after adjusting the set to align perfectly together.

“All done!” 

“Thank you sweetheart.” Lily coos before ruffling Kyujin’s hair- the youngest beaming as she took her seat next to Haewon.

“I’ll go get Jiwoo.” Lily says before marching off to the bed section of the house, Haewon turning to Kyujin- eyes still struggling to stay open.

“Where’s Jiwoo?”

“Sleepin’.” Kyujin says, and Haewon nods in understanding- rubbing her eyes again before getting poked by her daughter, who holds out her glasses, which Haewon gladly accepts– her eyes finally opening wider at the sight of the clear world.

“Thanks Kyu.” 

“Me and Ms. Morrow cleaned it for you.” Kyujin tells, and Haewon does take note of how much clearer it looked, the little specs of white no longer present in her field of vision.

“Really?” 

“Yeah. She said it was- filfy.” Kyujin struggles to get the word out of her mouth, but Haewon knows what she means- adjusting her glasses as if she were using them for the first time.

“Filthy?”

“Yeah. Super duper dirty.”

“Haewon? Do you wanna brush your teeth first?” Lily’s head peeks out from behind the curtain, and Haewon looks to Kyujin.

“What about you?”

“Already did. I woke up way earlier than you mama!” Kyujin reminds as Haewon snorts in embarrassment before standing up to approach Lily, who hands her a new toothbrush before picking up a half-asleep Jiwoo, walking with her to the bathroom.

“It’s a little cramped in here- sorry.” Lily mentions before opening the door and stepping in with Jiwoo still clinging on to her.

“Won’t kill me.” Haewon says with a soft smile before sliding in next to them, plucking the tube of toothpaste from a cup on the sink.

“Wake up Jjyu— we need to brush your teeth!” 

“Sleepy….”

“Did you know Kyujin brushes her own teeth? C’mon baby it’s already lunch time!” 

Haewon starts to brush as she watches Jiwoo slowly come back to earth, rubbing her eyes as she finally detaches herself from Lily- the older woman pushing a stool closer to the sink for Jiwoo to climb on.

Lily grabs a smaller toothbrush from the cup while Haewon- still holding on to the tube— holds it out to squeeze the paste onto Jiwoo’s toothbrush, Lily saying a quick thanks before bringing the toothbrush closer to Jiwoo, prying her mouth open only to be stopped by her daughter.

“I can do it myself too…” Jiwoo takes the toothbrush away to plop it into her own mouth— Lily raising both hands in surrender as Jiwoo starts to brush her teeth; mouth comically wide open as Haewon watches with a smile, trying not to laugh as Jiwoo shows off her newly cultivated brushing skills.

“Shee mommy! I’m good!” Jiwoo attempts to say with the brush still in her mouth, Lily only able to smile fondly at her confidence.

“Does that mean I don’t have to do it for you anymore? You can get ready on your own in the mornings?”

“Yeah!” Jiwoo says confidently, nodding her head before pulling the toothbrush out from her mouth; now sporting a quizzical look on her face.

“Mommy?”

“Yes Jiwoo?”

“I dunno how to spit it out.” 

“Well! You um. You— you push it out using your tongue.” Lily tries to explain, but Haewon motions for her to stop, tapping Jiwoo on the shoulder.

“Lean over.” Haewon says after removing the tooth brush from her own mouth, the foam nearly reaching her chin— brushing her teeth was one of Haewon’s favorite activities; so she considered herself quite the expert.

“Put your tongue on the top of your mouth— then you make a tuh sound and push all the foam out.” Haewon demonstrates immediately, spitting out the wad of bubbles— which Jiwoo imitates with success; the girl smiling a toothy smile, showing off the remains of the bubbles in her mouth.

“Then. You gargle with water to get rid of the rest.” Haewon demonstrates again— emphasizing the movement of her cheeks to show Jiwoo how gargling worked.

Jiwoo copies Haewon again, and they both spit out the water at once, Lily seemingly very pleased with the impromptu lesson.

“Good job! I’ll wash the toothbrush for you.”

“No, I can do it!” Jiwoo stops Lily once more, running her tooth brush through the water before splattering everywhere as means to dry it.

“Alright. Forgot you were a big girl.” Lily says, and Jiwoo nods pridefully before putting her toothbrush back in the cup, satisfied with herself as she climbs down from the stool.

“KYUJIN GUESS WHAT I DID!” Jiwoo runs out the toilet- slipping in between Lily’s legs to go and brag.

“You’re a pretty good teacher.” Lily grins as she adjusts the tooth brushes in the cup, Haewon placing her own just as Lily did, almost touching if not for Haewon quickly pulling her hand away– choosing to wash them for the second time instead.

“Oh I wouldn’t want to steal your thunder.” Haewon jokes, dabbing her hands against her pants instead, Lily pulling a cloth from behind the door to hand it to her.

“If you’re gonna wash your hands twice you might as well dry them properly too doc.” Lily speaks with an undertone of sass– and Haewon can only chuckle in response, taking the bright orange material from Lily’s grasp.

Their hands brush then.

x—x

Haewon sits across from Lily with Kyujin next to her, cross legged on the floor as they chow down on the entire wok, the chocolate drink from yesterday making its return to the dinner table. It’s a mostly silent breakfast besides the occasional banter from Jiwoo and Kyujin; and the little taps of small talk coming from Lily. They get done a good 30 minutes later– Jiwoo letting out a massive burp after she downs the last gulp of chocolate; Kyujin copying her just for the fun of it.

“You better thank Ms. Morrow for three days and three nights if you’re gonna burp like that.” Haewon tells Kyujin like it's fact- but Kyujin knows her mother better than anyone, only bowing her head before saying her thanks.

“Thank you for breakfast Ms. Morrow!” 

“You’re welcome- though I’d say it's more of a brunch.” Lily comments, and Haewon instinctively raises her wrist to check her watch, though she finds it missing from its usual position on her arm.

“God. What time is it?” Haewon feels around for her phone before checking the time, eyes widening at the blaring 13:37 looking back at her.

What happened to you Oh Haewon…

“Me and Jjyu are gonna play now!” Kyujin announces before Haewon can lament her loss of routine, blinking as she tries to comprehend her extremely well thought out plans and agendas she had for the day.

“Kyu, I think we should get going now– I have an operation tomorrow, and I don’t wanna bother Ms. Morrow anymore.” Haewon tries her intimidating mom voice- only for Lily to cut through.

“Oh well, it’s totally fine if they wanna play a little more- your hospital is just a few minutes away from here right?” Lily says, Haewon staring blankly at her empty plate as she calculated the distance between here and the hospital; finding herself in agreement with Lily.

“Yeah but I–” Haewon has fortunately– run out of excuses. “Yeah it is.” Haewon confirms, and she can see Jiwoo pull her fists back in celebration.

“You could stay another night.” Lily invites nonchalantly, and Haewon freezes in place, a million and one outcomes running through her mind– trying to read Lily’s mind; what were her true intentions? Did she really not mind? Did she like playing house with her? Or is this all for Jiwoo’s sake? 

Jiwoo’s sake. It's all for Jiwoo’s sake.

“What? I don't want to bother you some more- plus my clothes and stuff.” Haewon mutters her excuses, mind still conjuring up new ones as Lily opens her mouth again.

“I have clothes, new ones if you need–plus I uh, I wanted to ask if you could drive me to school..?” Lily drops the ball, and Haewon takes a moment to comprehend Lily’s request– though it seemed fair to her, it just seemed- out of the blue. 

“Oh. Sorry?”

“My bike… we left it at school and well- I guess we could go pick it up today but honestly I’m not super stoked about going to school on a Sunday and like- if you sent me and the kids to school tomorrow we’d both be killing two birds with one stone! Kinda.” Lily explains with her hands, Haewon unable to find any gaps in her logic- her work ID and her laptop with all the relevant files was stashed in the bonnet of her car (a testament to her life as a workaholic)- so it’s not like there was anything at home she needed to take anyways.

Jiwoo is also looking at her with those big puppy eyes of hers, anxiously waiting for her decision, Lily shares the same look, albeit a lot more watered down than Jiwoo’s.

Haewon feels welcome.

“Okay.”

“YESSSSS LETS GO!! MS. MORROW YOU’RE THE BEST!!” Kyujin jumps from the floor to hop over to Jiwoo, who immediately embraces her friend, the two jumping around as they hugged in celebration.

“Excuse me?”

“WOOHOO LETS DO THE SLEDDING AGAIN!” Jiwoo cheers as she and Kyujin separate, Kyujin agreeing with her before they rush to go and play with all the other toys in the home, ignoring Haewon’s confused look.

“They wanted me to convince you to stay another night. You’re quite easily swayed, Doctor Oh.”

“You three planned this?” Haewon questions, trying to get a good look at all the sly faces looking at her.

Lily has the grin of a pre-schooler.

“They did most of the planning honestly.” Lily says casually, and Haewon groans.

“You three better not be late tomorrow.” 

“You’re the one who woke up at 12 today mama!’

x—x

Getting both Kyujin and Jiwoo ready for school simultaneously should be considered an olympic sport.

Who can brush their teeth the fastest is a competition, who can put on their clothes faster is a competition– who can poop the fastest– a competition.

“I don’t understand why they’re doing this.” Haewon is already drenched in water as the dawn starts to break, peering through the windowsill as she constantly checks the time— not wanting to be a millisecond late.

“What? You don’t do this at home?” Lily asks as she puts a hot chocolate– Milo, Haewon discovers– in front of her, and she takes it with a quick thanks, a bit stumped at the question.

“No. I don’t time my poops.” The seriousness in Haewon’s tone makes Lily laugh, and the Milo feels warmer than before as Haewon watches Lily grab two plates of toast, humming as she brings it over to the girls.

“Thank you Ms. Morrow!” Kyujin says– Jiwoo mumbles a ‘thank’ before eating.

“I ironed a shirt for you– hopefully it fits.” Lily says casually as she retreats to the kitchen, grabbing her own toast before sliding one more plate to Haewon.

“You what?”

“I’m not sure about the size- I bought that one online and it didn’t really suit me, but I think we’re about the same size, so it should do. For the pants though–”

“I– I can just wear my pants from Saturday, it's fine.” Haewon cuts through– already embarrassed enough from staying in her house rent free the past two nights. Wearing her clothes? That was too much. Too domestic. Too real.

“Alright, suit yourself! It’s on the bed.” Lily chirps before grabbing the three remaining mugs of hot chocolate at once, toast in her between her teeth as she brings everything to the kids, who cheer at the 100th appearance of the drink.

“Oh! And there are lunchboxes for everyone in the fridge so don’t forget to take them.” Lily reminds, giving Haewon a look she can’t fully understand as she points to her.

“That means you too Doctor Oh.”

Haewon is starting to think there’s something about that drink that makes her cheeks feel warm.

x—x

The drive to work is– different.

Haewon never really turns on the radio- she liked the sounds of machines, engines humming underneath the wheel.

So Lily doesn't insist on turning on the radio.

She just sings herself.

She sings songs mostly meant for the pre-school audience in the backseat– the one exception being that fiend? Feen? Whatever the song was, it drove Kyujin and Jiwoo crazy, for better or for worse.

“Please don’t jump inside the car.”

“But this is a jumping song, Mrs. Kyujin’s Mom!”  Jiwoo, thankfully in a seatbelt, can’t jump too far anyways, pumping her fist in the air as she jammed out to the makeshift music– Kyujin drumming on the back of Haewon’s seat, almost matching the thrum of the engine she listened to all the time.

“You don’t know this song Haewon?” Lily asks, and Haewon almost regrets turning to look at her, she has that pre-schooler grin again, the pink hair framing her face making her look even more so blinding than usual.

“I don’t really hang out with…young audiences…” Haewon plants her eyes on the road, taking the last few turns into the school.

“I think you just don’t hang out with anyone Dr. Oh.” Lily is teasing, but Haewon knows better.

“Oh look at that! We're here!” Haewon announces through gritted teeth, pulling the handbrake before turning to look at everyone.

To look at Lily.

“Thanks Haewon! You’re the best!” She says with a smile that drowns out the sunrise behind her, and all sounds dull out to Haewon as Lily instructs Jiwoo to put her shoes back on, taking away the switch and various other toys they brought with them.

When Lily turns back to Haewon, seatbelt unbuckled- ready to leave, Haewon’s still looking at the sun rising.

“Did you… is there something on my face?” Lily asks, moving to pull down the sun visor to check herself in the mirror– Haewon ever so smoothly reacts by pushing it back up, shaking her head.

“Nothing. No. It’s perfect. You’re perfect.” Haewon stumbles, and Lily seems just as taken aback by this, blinking in a mixture of confusion and delight.

“Well… thank you.” Lily responds slower than she usually does, nodding as if trying to comprehend what Haewon was saying.

It’s too slow.

“Is something… happening?” Kyujin questions, two tiny gazes bouncing from Haewon to Lily.

Kyujin was too smart for her own good.

x—x

“Look at you Oh Haewon! You actually look like you earn seven figures!” Is Yoona’s greeting to her in the morning, and Haewon squints her eyes at her, considering lifting a middle finger as well.

“Ah. Yoona. How was your date with Jinsol.” Haewon ditches the finger for this instead.

“And how was yours with Ms. Morrow?” Haewon should’ve picked the finger.

“Yoona.”

“Too soon? You did sleep with her for two nights.” Yoona has that grin everyone around her loves to use apparently, and Haewon sighs as she slings her bag off her back, thumping defeatedly into her chair as she sits down.

“Kyujin wanted to sleep over at Jiwoo’s. I was just a guardian. Plus we slept in separate rooms.”

“Oh boohoo.” Yoona takes the consultation seat as per usual, reclining as she liked. 

Haewon glares at her, daring her to kick her feet up.

“Jinsol was excited about it- says you haven't left the house in a year.” Yoona crosses her legs instead, raising an eyebrow as if that would break the years of walls and resolve Haewon had built over the years.

“Well, I am busy.” Haewon slaps her PC as if that would make it boot up any faster.

“Not busy enough to stop you from sending Lily Morrow to school.” Yoona stands up, arms crossed– pre-schooler grin– maybe even a pre-schooler brain.

“Doctor Seol I have a surgery to prepare for so if you would please stop– pestering me before I report you to HR– I would very much appreciate that.” Haewon can blabber on when she wants to, and she makes her hands busy, squinting at the spinning circle taking its sweet time on her screen.

Yoona leans down, even stretching out her neck to look at Haewon– closer, closer– until Haewon couldn't ignore her anymore.

“What are you doing?” Haewon questions, rolling her seat away slightly.

“Wanted to see if you blushed. You’re no fun to tease Doctor Oh.” Yoona sulks, and Haewon wants to bash her head in with a hammer. Her own head. That is.

“Listen Lily is— she has her own thing going. She was probably being nice to me for Kyujin’s sake- I doubt she’d see anything like that in me.” Haewon reasons, as she always does with everything.

“Why not? I think she’s good for you.” Yoona says- and Haewon considers it– good for you. In the same way, fresh air is good for you. On the same beat, working out is good for you. In the same sense, being alive is good for you.

But was Haewon good for her?

A woman who’d run into fire for a stranger– a woman who’d swim across the atlantic for a child that isn’t even hers– a woman who loves, because that’s good for you.

What was good for her?

“You think you don’t deserve her is it?” Yoona plucks the thoughts out of Haewon’s head, putting a pause to the whirlwind inside.

“Well, you're right. You don’t.” The wind picks up again.

“Gee thanks Yoona.” is all Haewon can spit out, going back to her files– finally loaded– Yoona’s right– Haewon will never be good for her.

“You’re always doing things for other people.” Yoona takes a seat again, rolling it closer, staring at Haewon with a slight tilt in her head, like a canine trying to figure everything out.

“I disagree.” Haewon says what she believes– she’s done everything so far because she’s selfish, because she wants to keep her father alive, because she wants to have her wife back, because she doesn't want Kyujin to be alone, because she thinks Lily deserves it.

“I disagree with your disagreement.” Yoona says. “You did all of this for your family, your dad, Kyujin- you went out on that playdate because of me, because of Jinsol, and because of what she would want.”

She. Haewon almost forgot to think of her today.

“What do you want Oh Haewon?” Yoona asks, and Haewon is shocked when she finds the first thing she feels is fear.

Fear of– change. Fear of– being.

The fear of something other than she. 

Something other than the four walls of her consultation room.

“I don’t know what I want.” Haewon answers simply- not wanting to be consumed by fear.

“But you know what you need? Oh Haewon?”

“Oh so you’re a therapist now?” Haewon cuts– pushing back fear, pushing back change–

“A friend.”

Haewon looks up from the screen, Yoona isn’t teasing her– the grin is absent– replaced with what Haewon can only believe is care.

Not care for Kyujin, not care for Jinsol– but care for her.

The same look Lily gave her this morning.

“Are you not my friend?” Haewon breaks the barely brief silence, and Yoona chuckles- the grin returns.

“Oh no. I’m sick of you. I see you every day.”

“And yet you’re still the one defiling my consultation chair.” Haewon snaps back into place– though it doesn’t fit quite the same anymore.

“I mean sure, you could live a thousand lifetimes and not deserve that girl.” Yoona shrugs as she defiles Haewon’s dignity next, Haewon stopping her typing at the words, raising an eyebrow.

“But you deserve to be happy in at least one of those lifetimes.” Yoona says– and before Haewon can interject about how cheesy, how irrelevant, how dramatic that was– Yoona shrugs again.

“That’s good for you.”

x—x

Haewon comes back home late that day. 

Not intentionally– not that she was avoiding the home she built with her like a ghost, the way she usually did– she actually had to delay the surgery over a few issues, and had only got it done hours after the originally planned time.

She waves a quick greeting to Jinsol before throwing herself on the couch, sighing off all the pressure from the day, recounting the events of the day. Most times Haewon recounts the events of the day in order to prepare for the agendas of tomorrow but today she becomes stuck, replaying a certain strip of memories over and over– analyzing, comprehending– trying to plan for tomorrow.

She’s good for you.

“Yoona told me about you and Lily.” Jinsol’s voice breaks through her train of thought, and Haewon immediately perks up, a part of her curious, another part of her already anticipating what Yoona had already said.

“All bad things I assume?”

“Don’t say that. Kyujin likes Lily.” 

“Sol– everyone likes Lily.” Haewon sighs, flopping back onto the couch, closing her eyes, as if that would shut out all the thoughts making a movie inside her head.

“That’s what I’m saying! Everyone likes Lily! Aren’t things just so- easy with her?” Jinsol exclaims, and Haewon’s eyes open again.

Haewon thinks for a moment– easy– when has anything been easy? Medical school, grad school, having a kid, getting over your dead wife– nothing is easy.

“No.”

“That’s just because you’re making it hard.” Jinsol marches over to where Haewon is, giving her a stern look– and Haewon’s in disbelief– was she actually going to get a lecture from both girlfriends today?

“That’s not–”

“Tell you what, Christmas is coming up– let’s do something– easy, chill, fun!” Jinsol replaces the lecture with an idea– and Haewon is silenced.

“And… what exactly is that?”

“Repay Lily!” Jinsol lifts up a finger like the stuck up nerds in Biology 301 used to do, and Haewon raises an eyebrow, though she has a feeling she knows her answer already.

“Invite her over to celebrate Christmas with us, Jiwoo will love it, Kyujin will love it– and I’m sure you’ll love it.” Jinsol ends her speech with some finger guns, and Haewon’s eyebrow is raised so high Kyujin would worry it might fall off.

“And what if she doesn’t love it?”

“There you go again– making it hard.” Jinsol sighs, moping around Haewon’s living room as if she were the five year old of the house.

“I’m just being realistic– I’m nobody to her.” Haewon retorts, logical– sensible.

“She ironed your clothes, packed you lunch and fed you breakfast– nobody does that for nobody!” Jinsol tends to talk with her entire body– and she was frustrated, flailing her arms around like an inflatable man.

“She’s too good to me.”

“Then why aren’t you being good to her?!” Jinsol says like its obvious.

Good to her.

“I’ll ask.”

“For Kyujin.”

Jinsol flails her arms around again.

x—x

Haewon taps her pen against the kitchen counter, glancing over at Kyujin who was curled up on the couch in the living room, engrossed in the adventures of a little blue dog and her doggy friends.

Haewon’s tongue itches— finding herself having to try to spit out words simpler than Kyujin’s math problems.

“Kyu, I’ll pick you up from school tomorrow.” Haewon says the words too fast for the average person to catch, but her daughter isn’t the average person.

“Yes!” Kyujin peels her eyes away from the blue dogs, pumping her first in the air. “But… why?”

“You don’t want me to?”

“Of course! But I’m just curry-us.”

“Curious. and there’s no reason.”

“Are you sureeee?” Kyujin peers over the backrest like a scheming meerkat, and Haewon arches an eyebrow.

Too smart for my own good.

“I want to talk to Ms. Morrow.” the honesty tastes strange in Haewon’s mouth— and Kyujin springs up, standing full height on the couch without a hint of mercy for their throw pillows and cushions.

“BINGO! Do you like playing with Ms. Morrow mama?” Kyujin asks, and Haewon’s taken aback by the question— playing? They were both too grown to be playing around, too many responsibilities to juggle and weights to carry.

“Like I like playing with Jiwoo! You know?” Kyujin’s tone interrupts Haewon’s self-loathing internal monologue, and she blinks for a moment.

Right. To Kyujin— that’s what it was—playing, having fun, smiling. Maybe it’s been a second since she saw her mama smiling, and maybe next to Lily— they were like kids on a playground, not women with too many cracks from history and pain from the past.

She remembers watching Nemo of all films, playing in the snow— rolling around on the floor as she refused to wake up even to the smell of breakfast.

For the first time in a while, the past makes her smile.

“Yeah. I do.”

x—x

Lily agrees with a smile brighter than the summer sun, setting the time and date— subsequently putting her number into Haewon’s phone.

Lily Jin Park Morrow (Kyujin’s teacher!!)

Haewon purses her lips as she stares at the contact— trying not to smile.

Her fingers hover over the call button- she promised to come pick Lily and Jiwoo up around 30 minutes from now, and the regular Haewon would’ve been up and ready to go 15 minutes ago, but a heated debate between the voices in her head on what she should wear delayed her usual system— and now she was waiting for Kyujin to pick out her own set of clothes.

“Kyu c’mon— were not going out anywhere special.” Haewon slips her phone into her pocket, shuffling over to Kyujin’s dresser to pull out two random options of shirts.

“Yeah but there are lotsa thingies we have to do!” Kyujin walks past Haewon to find a sweatshirt with a black cat printed on, handing it to Haewon while she bends down to pick out a pair of pants.

“Like…?”

“Aunty Sol left it on the re-fridge-a-ray-tor.” Kyujin says as she puts on some jeans, Haewon mindlessly helping Kyujin slide on her cat themed shirt.

“She did?” Haewon questions, walking out of the room as Kyujin moves to go put some things in her bag.

Haewon observes the handwritten list that was magnetically attached to the fridge— Jinsol’s writing in big bold letters:

HOW TO DATE GIRL

• Go to park

• Open her door for her

• Cook her something (TRY. PLEASE.)

• Do not say anything stupid

also pls buy some groceries. we r running out

”Say anything stupid…? Me? Come on.” Haewon plucks the paper off the fridge, crumpling it up and shoving it in her pocket.

“I’m ready!” Kyujin bounces into the living room, and Haewon nods, picking up her keys.

“Excited?”

“Super duper!” Kyujin is practically vibrating as Haewon swings the door open.

Kyujin doesn’t stop singing on the way to the village, filling the silence as Haewon maneuvers through the narrow roads of the village, stopping right in front of the alley to Lily’s home.

Haewon opens the door for Kyujin who bumbles out, running over to the porch, her tiny footsteps leaving indents in the snow.

“Kyujin, wait— your jacket!” Haewon sighs as she grabs Kyujin’s jacket off the floor of the passenger seat, shutting the door with her elbow before catching up, Kyujin banging on the door already.

“Jiwooo! Ms. Morrow! We’re here!!” Kyujin’s voice replaces the bell, hopping up and down as she tries and fails to look through the peephole– instead, the door swings open to Lily with her outerwear half on, eyes turning into crescents as she greets Kyujin.

New hair. Haewon clocks it instantly. A shade too light to be brown, too warm to be blonde—almost golden, with soft hints of the pink it used to be. Bleach residue, maybe, but it suits her. Makes her glow. Not like she wasn’t glowing before. 

“Hi there cutie.” Lily gets her hand through the sleeve of her coat to stop Kyujin from bouncing straight through her porch. “Okay lets stop jumping now! Everything's slippery from the ice!” Lily says with the perfect balance of stern and gentle— a skill only a preschool teacher could possibly master.

“New hair!” Kyujin chirps, echoing Haewon’s thoughts.

“You like it?” Lily tilts her head as she asks, adjusting her coat slightly before patting down some of the touselled strands of Kyujin’s hair.

“Yeah it's like mommy’s hair!” Kyujin points out, and Lily freezes, hand still hovering over Kyujin’s head– Lily almost whips her head to Haewon, who is just as frozen, she hadn’t expected a mention of her today- much less did she know what to say. She hadn’t expected to be sad today either— but what she expects less: is that the sadness never comes.

No pangs in her chest, no burn of regret– just a distant longing– like an astronomer who longs for the stars they can only name.

“I– well– thank you Kyu.” Lily takes the polite route, smiling again– softer, quieter as she turns back to Haewon, as if asking are you okay? with her eyes, and Haewon replies with a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes.

“Hey.” Haewon says, pushing the longing away. “All packed?” She asks, peering in to see where Jiwoo was.

“Yeah just– Jiwoo? Come on honey, Kyujin's here already!” Lily rushes with her hands, picking Jiwoo’s jacket up from the floor.

“But mommyyyy I don’t know if I wanna bring Mister Puppy or Miss Rabbit!”

“I like Miss Rabbit!” Kyujin interjects, and Jiwoo perks up with a buzz, picking up the rabbit plush immediately and stuffing it into her bag.

“Well I was going to say– if you want to, you can bring both.” Lily adds, and Jiwoo jumps in delight, stopping in her tracks, the twinkle in her eyes making Haewon forget all about the stars she longed for.

“Oh really mommy?!” Jiwoo is ready to launch herself into the sky, little fists balled up with excitement and the thought of expanding her animal kingdom into Haewon’s house.

“Of course. I’m sure Haewon has space in her car for the five of us.”

“Then… Can I bring Girrafey too?” Jiwoo asks with those puppy dog eyes Haewon has sworn she’s seen on Lily before– and she shrugs.

“Anything you want, kid.”

x—x

“Jinsol is bringing Seol Yoona over.” Haewon announces in the car while the kids play around with Girrafey and the other array of animals that ended up coming on the trip, the distant sounds of swooshing and roaring serving as their radio for the drive.

“Seol… Yoona?” Lily questions as she turns to look at Haewon- and only then does it occur to her that Lily doesn’t know Yoona— odd, because Lily feels so much like a part of her life already.

“Oh. She’s Jinsol’s girl– no. She’s my colleague. And also Jinsol’s…..” Haewon trails off– were they dating already? Haewon needs to start asking about these things.

“Girlfriend?”

“Not quite. Like. Situation…” Haewon’s eyebrows crinkle together to recall if Jinsol had mentioned anything about officially getting together. 

“And what does that mean?” Lily has a similar look of confusion on her face as she tries to comprehend the relationship– and Haewon has to rack her PhD having brain for an explanation.

“Like- in a ‘will they won’t they’ phase. For now.” Haewon concludes, and Lily nods, pursing her lips like she was thinking of how to respond.

“I see…”

“Kids these days.” Haewon blocks any response Lily may have had.  “Back then I just met a girl and married her– no monkey business.” She says definitely– like it's written in law.

“Monkeys! We left Monkid and his family!” Jiwoo interjects to mourn yet another missing member of her animal kingdom, but Kyujin distracts her quickly enough before she makes a fuss out of it.

“No, I disagree with you there Dr. Oh, I don't mind monkey business. I quite like the monkeys and their businesses.” Lily says in a way that makes Haewon think twice, the image of literal monkeys in her head removing her from the actual meaning behind Lily’s words.

“Really? I don’t know… maybe I find it– a waste of time?” Haewon explains her part in the most literal terms she knows– trying not to say anything stupid.

“Well– if you see it that way. I don’t mind waiting.” Lily admits, and Haewon goes quiet for a bit. It makes sense for someone like Lily, someone so perfectly the embodiment of home; always there, always waiting– to not mind waiting.

“What if you wait forever?” 

“I told you. I quite like the monkeys and their businesses.” Lily says as if it’s simple maths– and Haewon just chuckles– Lily has a way with words that Haewon, for better or for worse, always needs a moment to process- a second to think about. They were different in that sense, maybe even opposites, but as she pulls into the park with a smile on her face– she finds maybe she likes different.

“Well– any good at monkey bars Ms. Morrow?” Haewon points to the playground right across from them- challenging her to some monkey business.

Jiwoo pops in between them– practically bouncing in her seat as her gaze jumps from her mother to Haewon.

“Mommy’s the best!”

x—x

For the first time in a long while, Haewon is tired—and it feels good.

After being demolished at the monkey bars by two kindergarteners and a woman pushing forty, they went to attempt to restore Haewon’s ego with a shopping session– Kyujin and Jiwoo picking out a frowning bear that “looks like mama!” to become the president of their animal kingdom– Lily and Haewon having an unnecessarily long conversation about which type of cheese was the best and what vegetables were acceptable in a stew.

Her ego was not restored– they’d gotten cheddar instead of american– and there were only carrots in the stew they were making.

Haewon’s kitchen was big– huge even– but maybe huge wasn’t enough– they kept bumping into each other as they cooked tonight’s dinner and prepped for tomorrow's Christmas luncheon. Haewon’s never minced this much in her life, she thinks she might accidentally mince her next patient with a scalpel the next surgery she has– she never recalled having to maneuver so much in the kitchen– crossing over with a plate of chilis, only to walk back around with a plate of tumeric. 

“Lily. Look the other way.” Haewon says as she saunters over with a plate of chopped onions, making her way to the bubbling stew as she slides behind Lily– who was stuffing the turkey substitute chicken with god knows what.

“Why?”

“I’m adding onions.”

“Ew.” 

“Exactly. Look away.” Haewon throws a wash cloth over Lily’s head as a smile starts to break through, sliding in the onions and the various other things that Lily disliked that would actually give the stew some much needed flavour.

“Mamaaaa!” Kyujin calls from the living room– the kids had put themselves in charge of assembling the tree, which by the lack of a tree in the room, tells Haewon it hasn’t been all smooth sailing for the duo.

“Yes?” Haewon questions, peering over to see if they had even managed to open the box.

“Too many words! This isn’t like lego at all!” Jiwoo responds, and Haewon sighs, turning to Lily with a ladle in hand.

Lily chuckles as she removes her stuffing stained gloves and takes the utensil from Haewon– gently nudging past Haewon to get to the stew. It’s all wordless– stepping around each other, easing around the kitchen island, passing the spices– it’s wordless as Haewon stares at the so-called “progress” the kids made, which mostly involved scattering the decorations all over the living room. 

“How's my little engineer doing?” Haewon questions with her hands on her hips, trying to assess how to fix up their tree.

“Bad.” Kyujin mumbles– a portion of the tree is on Jiwoo’s head.

“Let’s do this step by step.” 

Haewon takes the leaves off of Jiwoo’s head and starts by fixing up the base– allowing Kyujin and Jiwoo to feel included by letting them attach the branches into the main pole, and after a good thirty minutes and pine needles all over the floor– the tree is finally assembled.

“Tree!” Kyujin and Jiwoo rejoice, and Haewon has a tired smile on as she nods.

“Tree.” Haewon says as she picks up the string lights and wraps them around the tree, gesturing to all the rogue balls rolling around the house.

“Now. I expect this tree to be decorated in T-minus 30 minutes in time for dinner recruits!” Haewon says in a faux seriousness, adding a salute to top off the act.

“Yes ma’am!” Jiwoo and Kyujin salute in between giggles, running off to collect the fallen decorations, hanging them up as high as their little hands could reach.

Haewon finally returns to the kitchen, where Lily is plating up the rice into the kiddie bowls, sliding them onto the island with the practiced ease of someone who looked like they’d been in this kitchen all their life.

“Oh! Haewon— I brought a tin of the good stuff.” Lily says with a tone Haewon can’t interpret as anything else but suggestive, so she just laughs.

“You say that like it’s not just powdered chocolate.”

“It’s not! It’s an experience.” 

“Are you the owner of Milo Corporation or something?”

“Oh shush you— don’t think I didn’t notice you drinking out of Kyujin’s cup when you finished yours. Now go watch the stew while I make us some.” Lily swats Haewon with a washcloth as she makes her way to the guest room where she would be staying the night, popping back out with the green tin.

Haewon plates up the rest of the dinner, dishing up their sides and setting the table— Lily leaves the chicken to marinate in the fridge and the various other prepped foods claim their place in the bottom shelf of her fridge.

“Dinners ready!” Lily calls out as Haewon moves the steaming stew to the center of the dining table. 

The little patter of feet sounds through the living room and to the kitchen as Jiwoo and Kyujin come running in, little bits of pine stuck in their hair as they clamour onto the seats. Haewon mindlessly ruffling their hair before picking out the remains of pine.

Lily takes the seat across from Jiwoo, and Haewon moves to sit at the head of the table– but she stops herself, pushing the chair back in before walking to sit next to Lily instead.

“So… shall we eat?” Haewon says, arching an eyebrow, but Lily shakes her head, looking at Jiwoo and Kyujin with that teacher look she always sports when she’s getting them to do something.

“What do we say before we eat?”

“Thank you for the food!”

x—x

Christmas morning is eventful to say the least. Haewon is the last to wake up– with Jinsol, Yoona and Lily already up and about in the living room and kitchen, the kids having a party for two in the bathtub– music blasting from two ends of the hallway as Haewon emerges from her room.

“Morning!” Lily greets cheerfully, Yoona just grinning at her while Jinsol gives her a quick wave.

“Hey… when did you all get here?”

“About 30 minutes ago– you’re a heavy sleeper when you want to be.” Jinsol says, pushing a glass of iced americano across the counter for Haewon to consume like she hasn’t had water in a month.

“Did you bring that?” Haewon asks as she inhales the last drop of coffee, Yoona snorting at the question.

“Whats that?”  Lily asks, looking in between the two– Jinsol wearing an exasperated look on her face as she sighs.

“You’ll see– it's quite the spectacle.”

“Can I not wear it this year? It's like– you’re not paying me to wear it this time…”

“Jiwoo’s expecting it. We can’t disappoint the guests.” Haewon tries to hold back the smirk– and Yoona can’t hold back her giggles, shaking her head as she turns to look at Jinsol, who can only protest through a cartoonishly long looking frown.

“You should go change.” Yoona gives Jinsol a reassuring slap on the back, and Jinsol walks away with a groan, lamenting all of the life choices that led to this moment.

“Is it… like an outfit?” Lily asks, and Haewon winks at her in response– not missing the way Lily looks away almost immediately.

“MOMMY WE’RE DONEEE!” Jiwoo shouts from the bathroom, Lily stepping away from the oven to pick up the kids from the ‘pool’ party.

“You saw the outfit?” Haewon asks Yoona, who seemed to be beaming– uncharacteristic of her so early in the morning.

“Last night. Real sexy. Had to love it– your wife’s a genius.” Yoona’s fully smiling as she takes some of the food off the stove and onto the table.

“Sexy’s a word to describe it, yeah..” Haewon rolls her eyes but joins Yoona in putting the dishes down, watching Lily usher the kids into their room– Yoona not missing the way Haewon’s eyes follow the three.

“So. How are things?”

“What?”

“Don’t act dumb– you’re too old for that.”

“Things are fine. Lily’s great with Kyujin, she’s also super excited to run around the entire compound with Jiwoo.”

“I’m not asking about Kyujin.” Yoona reiterates, and Haewon can’t find a way to act dumb anymore.

“There are no things to talk about alright? It's– too soon.” Haewon says firmly, sure Lily was kind and pretty and made her feel warm and fuzzy inside– but that to Haewon felt like an entry level obligation into the Pre-School Teacher profession– everyone feels warm and fuzzy when Lily is around. 

“You’ve been leaving work early recently.”

“Hospital’s slow this time of year…” Haewon, as always, has an answer for everything.

“Never stopped you before.” So does Yoona.

“I needed to prepare the house for a guest.”

“A guest that you wanna–”

“Seol Yoona!”

“PRESENTTSSSS!!!” Jiwoo prevents a spoon from hitting the top of Yoona’s head by bouncing out of the room with Kyujin and Lily in tow, speeding past the kitchen and straight to the tree, frowning when she saw the lack of presents.

“Where are the presents? What kinda Christmas is this!” Jiwoo complains, Kyujin just smiling as she joins her friend, already familiar with her home’s Christmas routine.

“Santa’s not here yet!”

“He’s late?” Jiwoo questions Kyujin’s words, crossing her arms– such a thing was unprecedented in her home. 

“We do it different! Our house doesn’t have a chimney so Santa has to come right through the door!” Kyujin explains, and Haewon gives her a little thumbs up.

“Well then why is he late?” Jiwoo’s hands move to her hips, and before Kyujin can respond– the front door bursts open–

“MERRY CHRISTMAS!” Jinsol’s eyes are empty despite the massive smile on her face, though it was partially hidden by the white beard she was wearing.

“Oh my god!” Jiwoo screams, eyes going wide at the sight of Jinsol standing at the door with two sacks of presents slung across both her shoulders. “S-santa…?” her head tilts slightly as she registers who it was under the puffy costume, seemingly confused at the revelation of Santa’s identity.

“Jjyu I’m sorry… but Santa isn’t re–” Lily starts, but Jiwoo cuts her off with an even better conclusion:

“AUNTY SOL IS SANTA???!!”

“E-exactly!” Lily bites back her words, smiling sheepishly as Jiwoo and Kyujin hopped towards Jinsol, who lets out a sheepish laugh as she puts the sacks on the floor, giving them one sack each.

“That’s right Jjyu! I’m your favourite Aunty Santa! Ho ho ho!” Jinsol puts on a damn good show, pointing to herself as if all of this was planned.

“Awww man, that's so cool! I always thought Aunty Sol didn't have a job!” Jiwoo exclaims, and Jinsol breaks character for a moment, slightly offended by Jiwoo’s conclusion.  

“I have a job!”

“Yeah and it’s the coolest job ever!” Jiwoo responds, and the rest of the adults can’t help but laugh at the interaction as the two begin to ravage through the presents, making sure they both got the same number of gifts. 

“What’d you two get?” Yoona comes over and sits in between them as Lily and Haewon join in.

“Anything for me in there?” Lily asks as she kneels next to Jiwoo, but Jiwoo shakes her head, pulling the tag on the sack.

“Santa says to Jiwoo mommy!” Jiwoo says as she arranges the boxes from biggest to smallest, looking up at Haewon for a moment before looking back into the stack.

“You can ask for presents from Aunty Hae instead!” Jiwoo suggests, and Lily turns back to look at Haewon, who just shrugs, giving Lily a soft smile and thumbs up. 

Kyujin on the other hand is a bit quiet, looking at one particular present– though she puts it to the side first.

“Can we open them now Aunty Santa?” Kyujin asks, and Jinsol gestures for them to start.

“Go ahead! Ho ho!” Yoona snorts at Jinsol’s imitation, and Jiwoo quickly starts ripping into the presents from top to bottom, oohs and aahs with each shred of paper.

“Don’t make too much of a mess, baby.” Lily says as she picks up the pieces of wrapping paper Jiwoo was flinging around– Kyujin was a lot more methodical with it, opening from the edges before ripping the center. 

Haewon walks around to kneel next to Kyujin, helping her dispose of the trash into the sack. Kyujin starts with the big one first, and beams up at Haewon and Jinsol when she sees what it is.

“You can take it out kid.”

“Jjyu!! It’s a switch!! And the animal game!” Kyujin exclaims happily, showing Jiwoo the set of items.

“Oh my god that's so cool! Wait, lemme open mine!” Jiwoo shreds through her largest present, and cheers when it’s the Animal Crossing switch cover and case.

“WOAH! We can match!” Jiwoo beams, and they nod happily, practically bouncing in place as they go back to the stack of presents.

Kyujin opens the next box, tilting her head when she sees it. It's a lego set, one of the flower designs Jinsol claimed to have seen Kyujin eyeing on one of their many outings.

“Mommy wanted this one…” Kyujin mumbles, and Jinsol’s eyes go a bit wide– only now realizing the reason why Kyujin had been looking at the set so intently before.

Everyone goes quiet for a moment — even Jiwoo, who’d been halfway through unwrapping another gift. The only sound being the faint crinkle of wrapping paper in Kyujin’s hands.

“Yeah… that's her favourite, cherry blossoms.” Haewon sits properly next to Kyujin, holding the top half of the box, observing the set with her.

“Mommy used to say she wanted to grow one of these in the yard– she’s ridiculous.” Haewon says, pursing her lips. “They only bloom once a year for a few weeks– the tree’s way too big to put in the house.” Haewon chuckles as she listed the various reasons she was never really fond of the flower, never really enjoying reminders on how fleeting life truly was.

“That’s why she wanted this one… to put in the house!” Kyujin says, holding the box up a bit higher to match it up to the windowsill. “We can put it next to the window- so she can see.” Kyujin looks to Lily, who gives her a soft smile and a gentle nod.

“Good idea Kyu.” Lily says, and Kyujin turns to Haewon hesitating for a split second before dropping the box and giving Haewon a hug, little arms wrapped tight around Haewon’s abdomen.

Haewon hugs Kyujin back, giving her head a gentle pat– there's sadness, but there’s too much love in this room for Haewon to even care.

“Thanks mama.”

“For the switch?” Haewon asks, trying to tease, but it comes out genuine.

“For everything.”

x—x

“If I drink another glass of milk I'm going to explode.” Christmas morning has turned into Christmas night and Jinsol is hunched over the kitchen island, clutching her stomach as her hand grips the third glass of milk Jiwoo had so generously poured for her.

“So this Santa likes oat milk?” Yoona asks, sliding her the plate of cookies just to taunt her even more.

“This santa is lactose intolerant!” Jinsol hops on the barstool and sighs, about to say something to Yoona when she sees Yoona staring at something else– following her line of vision til she sees what Yoona was looking at. 

Haewon, Lily, Jiwoo and Kyujin were all going head to head at a round of Mario Kart, Lily was complaining about being dead last while Jiwoo threw a turtle shell at Haewon.

“Kim Jiwoo!” Haewon groans as Jiwoo gets past her, now in the running to be last place along with Lily.

“I’m coming for ya Hae!” Lily taunts, though Haewon just clicks her tongue. 

“You wish, Morrow!”

“She’s not like her at all.” Jinsol says as she looks at them, smiling fondly– taking Yoona’s attention away from the quartet and to the Santa-clad Jinsol.

“Lily?”

“Yeah. She would’ve never lost a game of mario kart.” Jinsol jokes, turning to look at Yoona instead.

“WOOHOO I WON!” Kyujin cheers, jumping up and down on the couch as she relishes her victory against two grown women.

“No jumping on the couch!” Haewon and Lily both scold at the same time, Jinsol chuckling at the sound.

“How long do you think before they figure it out?”

“You know what I think?” Jinsol says, holding back a grin. “I think we’re going to have a kid first before any of that happens.” 

Yoona slaps Jinsol on the back hard before cackling, even Yoona herself finding her volume embarrassing as she turns to the quartet in the living room, wondering if they’d overheard their little conversation. Much to Yoona’s delight, they remained in their own world, seemingly now arguing about something besides Mario Kart.

“Can mommy and me stay one more night pleaseeeeeee!” Jiwoo says, bouncing her little self against the couch, Kyujin fully standing up on the couch despite Haewon and Lily’s earlier protests– using her entire body to convey her point.

“When Jiwoo and Ms. Morrow are here- we have free food! and free fun!” Kyujin reasons, Haewon sighing before massaging her temple, looking more stressed out that Yoona has seen her at work.

“You already get free food. And free fun! I pay for everything.” Haewon responds with the logical reasoning only Haewon would give her five year old, Kyujin giving a response only Haewon’s five year old could give.

“No you don’t! Aunty Sol does!”

“Who do you think pays– fine. Ask Ms. Morrow then.” Haewon decides against explaining the domestic labour workforce today, gesturing to Lily, who just giggles.

“Well. School’s off until next year so, I’m good for another night.” Lily smiles gently, and Haewon nods slowly while the kids cheer, starting to list out the various things they could do over the next 24 hours.

“Aunty Santa and Doctor Pretty can stay too!” 

Yoona and Jinsol smile at each other, knowingly.

x—x

Yoona and Jinsol go home the next day.

Lily and Jiwoo stay for a few more days.

Jinsol is starting to worry she might have to get another job.

Haewon hums a tune Jiwoo’s been singing her ear off the past few days, taking a right turn into a bodega to pick up a list of things Lily had left for her. She zips up her padding and grabs a koala-patterned reusable shopping bag that definitely did not belong to her before stepping into the store, ticking things off the list before grabbing some things they definitely didn't need; gummy bears that Jiwoo liked, cherry tomatoes– Kyujin said the last ones weren’t tiny enough, oh well, into a soup they go– some more potatoes even though Lily didn't ask, Haewon knows they’ll run out soon. 

On the way out, Haewon spots some trinkets that will undoubtedly make a mess of the house, but she picks them up anyways, recognizing them from the blue dog show Kyujin and Jiwoo would glue their eyes to for hours.

She’s still humming the same tune as she kicks off her shoes– just about to grab the handle to her home before it swings open to reveal an eager Jiwoo, who bounces up with joy when she sees Haewon in the front door.

“See Kyujin! I told you it was your mama and not a raccoon!” Jiwoo says exclaims as she hops back to where Kyujin is, Haewon shooting Lily a questioning look as she comes in and drops the groceries on the counter– the look Lily returns is just as clueless, wiping her hands on her apron observe the groceries Haewon got.

“Oh man! I lost again?!” Kyujin slumps against the couch, sulking for a moment before she gets distracted by the lump of items now on the counter.

“What are you girls doing?”

“Kyujin’s been saying you always come home late on Mon-days but I told her nuh-uh! Cause you came back at the same time all the days that me and mommy stayed here because you don’t want mommy to be lonely!” Jiwoo goes on a tangent, and it takes Haewon a second to comprehend, but she waves Jiwoo off once it clicks- that wasn’t the only reason.

“What? No– I just– not much work during the holidays… that’s all.” Haewon says with a shrug, Jiwoo raising an eyebrow- not buying Haewon’s rambling.

“Oh you got potatoes! Thank goodness- we ran out!” Lily exclaims as she’s done unpacking the bag of goods, smiling at Haewon as she takes some to add to whatever dish it is she’s making. 

“Had a feeling.” Haewon states bluntly, she picks up the two trinkets and dangles them around, showing the kids.

“BLUEY!” Kyujin jumps over the couch and races to get one of the trinkets, Jiwoo following not far behind.

Lily turns to look at them as Haewon distributes the goods that were meant for the kids– and in a split second, Lily is plucking them all out of their little hands, much to all their dismays.

“Nuh-uh! You eat these before dinner and you’ll be full! And these– Haewon you know they’re just gonna lose these…” Haewon feels like she’s being reprimanded as well as she meets Lily’s stern look with a sheepish smile, putting two hands up in surrender.

“Come on. They can uh– hang it on their bags?” Haewon defends, and of course the little gremlins nod vigorously, Jiwoo one pout away from the full kicked puppy look.

“Yeah mommy! Listen to your doctor!”

“Fine. But if I step on one of your toys one more ti–”

“PROMISE!”

“I wasn’t even finished!”

x—x

Lily ends up staying ‘til next year.

“Why did I agree to this?” Haewon flops onto the couch, head resting next to Lily’s thigh, and Lily instinctively fluffs at Haewon’s hair, sliding through the various selections on the Netflix homescreen.

After some pouting and prodding by the kids and their ringleader Lily, Haewon had agreed to host a makeshift New Year’s party with their usual crowd of Jinsol and Yoona, except the girls had insisted on playing Dragon-Princess, honoring Haewon with the starring role of dragon– which involved a lot of piggy back rides and roaring, much to the protest of Haewon’s back.

“Oh it wasn’t that bad. I had fun!”

“Because you got to be the Good Witch and I got to be the dragon.”

“Hey, that's the main role!”

“You all have so little regard for the safety of my back.”

“Oh you— take up a PhD in acting next and maybe you’ll get to take Jinsol’s role as the bad witch.”

“Ha. Ha. Very funny Ms. Morrow.”

Lily giggles as they’re enveloped by a comfortable silence, Haewon watching the little expressions Lily makes as she judges the subpar selection that Netflix was currently offering, eyes fixated on the way the glow of the television’s blue light framed Lily’s face– the way her lips seemed absent of any wrinkles as she pursed them, muttering about how much she hated this one actor.

“I give up. You pick one.” Lily passes the remote to Haewon, who takes it from her- though she has no intention of watching anything- she simply clicks through, not even stopping to read any of the synopses. 

Lily sighs as she leans back on the couch, taking in all the messes that both they and the kids were responsible for.

“You know— I’ve brought so much stuff over, you might need two cars to send me back.”  Lily says, turning her head to look at Haewon properly, fully aware at how little distance was in between them.

“Ah… yeah… when is— when does school start again?”

“In a week.” Lily reminds, and she watched Haewon contemplate, tongue pressing against the side of her mouth.

“Right yeah, so you’ll have to head back to your place?” Haewon– uncharacteristically states the obvious, Lily unable to hold back her chuckle.

“Well, it is my house so…”

“Kyujin’s gonna be so upset when I tell her Jiwoo’s leaving.” Haewon responds after a beat of silence, her words carefully planned, her thoughts well arranged.

“Just Kyujin?” Lily asks– and the arrangement falls apart.

Haewon blinks, Lily’s fingers running through her hair suddenly feel hot.

Haewon rearranges again, tries to piece her thoughts back together, making sure to misplace the very thoughts that were starting to make her heart race beyond what was medically acceptable.

“Well… I’m sure Jiwoo’s gonna miss her too.” Haewon says lightly, though the silence was three moments too long for Lily not to notice.

“Mm.” Lily hums. Her fingers pause in Haewon’s hair for just a beat too long before continuing. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

Haewon opens her mouth—something witty on the tip of her tongue—but nothing comes out. Not when Lily’s looking at her like that. Not when Lily’s hand is still moving gently through her hair as if it's a routine they’ve practiced for years. Not when Lily’s lap feels the place she’s meant to lay her whole life.

“You’re really bad at pretending you don’t care.” Lily says quietly, smiling again.

“I’m not pretending about anything.” Haewon inhales. “I do care.”

“I know.” Lily murmurs.

The TV screen flickers through titles neither of them are really seeing anymore.

Haewon swallows, feels the air between them stretch, delicate and dangerous.

“It’s not easy. Me. This.” Haewon speaks of this as if it was a ticking timebomb— a dying patient— about as delicate and dangerous as the air around them.

“But what if it is?” Lily suggests like it's casual, as if easy wasn’t the outcome she’d been praying for every day since she met Haewon.

“But what if I mess it up?” Haewon retorts back, as if deadset on the one thing they both didn’t want.

Lily’s thumb brushes against her temple, a soft, almost absent touch.

“Then I’ll forgive you.”

Haewon lets out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding.

“Lily—”

“Hmm?”

Lily is looking at Haewon with the gentle look she always has in the quiet moments like this, when she’s just observing– living from moment to moment the way she knows best. Haewon is silent- almost awestruck at just how delicate Lily could be, gone was the single mother hardened from time– in this moment, Lily was just herself– and she was waiting.

Lily arches an eyebrow, still waiting.

“…I like having you here.” Haewon finally decides to say, hoping the sincerity dripped from her words into Lily’s heart.

Lily laughs softly, not the teasing kind this time— just warm.

“That’s good,” she says. “Because I like being here.”

The electric in the air seems to dull as Lily caresses Haewon’s cheeks, as if discovering that Haewon– that they were real for the very first time.

“You know– you brought me flowers the first day we met. I apologize but I’m quite the hopeless romantic.” Lily confesses without saying the words, and Haewon lets out an awkward laugh, once again registering how that might’ve looked to not just Lily, but the rest of the class as well.

“Alright. My fault. That’s okay.” Haewon says with a slightly forced laugh– she never really did that sort of monkey business. 

“You’re cute when you blush.” Lily says like it's an observation she made long ago. Haewon sits up on the couch, Lily’s hands suddenly feeling hot to the touch.

“Right. That’s good to know.” Haewon’s hand goes to the back of her nape as a silence takes over, with Lily trying not to giggle at how awkward Haewon was being right now.

Lily smiles anyway.

“I like you.” 

Haewon smiles back– so awkwardly toothy, she looks like Kyujin.

“I like you too.” 

Lily can help the boisterous laugh that leaves her lips. “I feel like even Jiwoo and Kyujin don’t talk to each other like this.” she says, and Haewon laughs just as hard, shaking her head as her hand leaves the back of her neck to approach Lily’s hand.

Lily closes the distance between them– taking Haewon’s pinky finger in hers, playing with it the same way she did Haewon’s hair.

Haewon takes her entire hand instead.

x—x

Spring comes like a blur.

Between work, Jinsol, Yoona, Kyujin, Jiwoo and of course– Lily, Haewon hadn’t had much time to wallow in her misery or even feel very much miserable to begin with.

Sadness came and went– but it felt less like pain, and more so like love persevering.

The windowsill by the living room is adorned with all sorts of photos and the completed cherry blossom lego that took Jiwoo and Kyujin 3 days to finish (mostly because they kept getting distracted by anything that moved). Their friends had contributed too, adding photos and trinkets to the arrangement, bits and pieces of memories spread out on the windowsill, receiving greetings from the sky each day.

The first photo was a “gift” from Yoona, which was the baby photo of Kyujin she’d stolen from her office and resized to suit the little corner, which Kyujin had laughed at– saying that it didn’t look like her. Haewon disagreed, Kyujin was still her little girl, even if she weren’t so little anymore.

The photo next to it was of Jinsol and Kyujin, around two then- on her little motorbike that she used so often it was currently out of commission in the storeroom. Jinsol was putting on a cool face next to Kyujin, proudly showing off Kyujin’s new ride, which she so gracefully picked out (with Haewon’s credit card, mind you). 

The next photo is Lily’s contribution, a photo of Jiwoo and Kyujin eating spaghetti at school, lips messy with marina sauce as they proudly showed off the meatballs they made themselves in cooking class. Haewon cringes at the blotches of sauce on Jiwoo’s white sweater– Lily must’ve conducted experiments trying to remove them all.

The last photo is an old one of her wife in a position coincidentally similar to Jiwoo and Kyujin– Haewon feeding her a spoonful of pasta on one of their first dates ever, before marriage was in the question, before Kyujin was in the equation– the love always there. 

Haewon looks at the photo. Over and over again. Her wife was always so delicate, so gentle, so sweet. She stares into the photo as if it would give her an answer if she did. As if her wife would speak to her- reach out and hold her– even if it were just a miracle. Haewon- her entire life had been a woman of science– but this once, just this once did she wish for the supernatural.

Haewon brushes off a speck of invisible dust from the windowsill, taking in the look of the little display, making sure everything was symmetrical. A space in between the photos of Kyujin bothering Haewon as she tried her best to fill the emptiness.

Haewon sighs as she gives up, choosing to step away and simply enjoy the view out the window, looking at the pinks of the real cherry blossoms– taking in their gentle fall before checking her watch– what time were Jinsol and Kyujin going to get back?--  when she looks back up, the empty space doesn't really bother her any more- instead she thinks;

Wouldn't it be nice to have a photo of Lily there?