Chapter Text
Okay, in Robert's defense, he was on his way to work to deal with a bunch of chucklefucks for the rest of the day after spending the night in his plastic chair staring at the ceiling while sleep eluded him until his alarm went off. He felt like that somewhat excused the fact that he was completely oblivious to the cloud of pink that he walked right through on his way to work, too zoned out and exhausted to notice the heroes above dealing with the building currently leaking the stuff from its broken windows.
Even then, it still took him until he got to SDN and sat at his desk to start really feeling the effects, and another sluggish minute or two to realize that he'd walked through an unknown substance and breathed it in without noticing.
Christ, even as a civilian, his life could never be simple. A sharp ache hit him right in the gut and he hunched with a bitten off groan, forehead meeting his desk. It was cool against his heated skin, another thing he hadn't noticed until now–he was starting to sweat through his uniform.
“Hey Bobert, how's it hangi–Jesus, you look rough.” Sonar’s deadpan voice greeted him. “Midweek bender? I got you, man.” He placed the mug of espresso he'd just made down next to the Dispatcher's head and then left, presumably to go make himself more.
Vaguely, Robert felt a different kind of warmth in his chest at the hybrid's decision to just give him the freshly brewed beverage that he was always so defensive of when he saw the dispatcher was having a bad time(even if he assumed it was because Robert had been binge drinking or some shit). He sat up, taking deep breaths and letting the strong smell of the espresso bring him some clarity. The sharp, bitter scent actually helped a little bit.
“You look like Beef shat you out, kid.” Chase said upon returning to his desk from wherever he'd been. Robert belatedly realized he should be thankful that his former babysitter had kept Beef at his place last night so he didn't have to worry about his dog being affected by whatever this was. Small mercies, he supposed.
“Feel like it too.” The brunette mumbled, almost slurring the words. He was breathing hard, trying to blink the wooziness away. God, this was pathetic–even if he didn't get any sleep and hasn't slept well in a while, he'd always been observant of his surroundings. He should have noticed and walked a different route to work. He felt stupid, sitting here practically huffing the smell of espresso to fight off the intense brain fog his mind was quickly being smothered by.
He didn't see Chase’s frown, his peripheral vision blurry as he tried to focus on something, anything. He lost the battle quickly, swaying in his chair right before slumping and falling to the side. Chase cursed loudly and colorfully, nearly jumping over the wall that divided their cubicles to grab onto the younger man's shirt and keep him from falling head first to the floor.
“Hey, you, fuckface!” He hissed to Sonar who was returning from the break room with a new mug. “Come fuckin’ catch him before I throw out my fuckin’ back, motherfucker!”
§~•~§~•~§
The Z-Team all gathered in a conference room after hearing about Robert's collapse. Word traveled fast(though it didn't really need to be spread much since A) Chase was always loud with his expletives and B) They had a groupchat. Thanks to Chase, Blonde Blazer and someone with a long white coat rushed into the infirmary room Sonar had brought the unconscious Dispatcher to and had blood drawn, sending the sample down to their labs for testing.
None of them could figure out what exactly was wrong with Robert–he was feverish and his eyebags were deeper than ever, so they thought maybe he was just sick after pushing himself too hard, but Sonar and Malevola hinted at something else, all smirks and exchanging looks.
“Last I checked, being horny wasn't a symptom humans experience when they get sick.” Malevola snorted.
The rest of the team stared at her uncomprehendingly.
“What the fuck does that mean??” Flambae eventually said, speaking for all of them.
“We can smell it on him,” Sonar chimed in. “And he's rock fucking hard.” Arousal smelled different to everyone in Sonar's experience. He quite enjoyed Roberts–musky with a kind of sweet, cloying smell that the bat hybrid felt the urge to lick up. Enticing, to say the least.
“Labs are back!” Blonde Blazer entered the room with a folder that she slapped onto the table and opened for them all to see.
“That's the fastest that's ever happened….” Punch Up commented.
“You totally stood there and watched them do it so they'd hurry, didn't you?” Invisible snickered as she looked at the report. Her smirk lessened as she read the details. “What the hell?”
“Apparently, he's been dosed with something.” Blazer sighed. “There was an incident that happened on the route he takes to get here from his apartment, and it happened right as he should have been passing through there too.” Robert was nothing if not efficient and exact when it came to timing. He clocked in and out of work at the exact same times every day and he took his lunch hour at the exact same time every day. He liked consistency(not that she'd tell him that he was predictable–Robert was a little paranoid after years of being a hero and only having himself as support).
“And that incident involved some sort of aphrodisiac?” Malevola shook her head after teasing the results. “The things this guy gets into without even having his suit is nuts, mate.”
“You guys are the cause of most of those things.” Blazer pointed out. “But, yes, Robert does have some very interesting luck.” She sighed. “We can't just drop him off at his place to ride this out by himself, though.”
“Why not?” Coupé wondered.
Blazer frowned, a worried furrow to her brow as she looked over the report again. “The drug is pollen-based and very powerful. It was designed to work on superpowered people. The spores from the plant that was used for it were combined with a drug that's a known stimulant and very dangerous.” She pointed to the potency level in the report. “This could kill him if it's not released in some way, and fast. Fortunately, we already know how to help him while an antidote is developed. Unfortunately, that method is a massive HR violation….”
“Does HR really exist or do you just say things like that to keep us in check?” Invisigal wondered. “Because it doesn't work either way.” She threw the blonde a lazy grin.
“I've never met anyone from HR, but I swear they're real…..” Blazer admitted. “I’ve heard stories about them, and a company like this has to have one….right?” She sounded unsure.
“I don't give a shit about HR, who gets to fuck him first?” Sonar cut in, blunt as ever.
Blazer’s face went scarlet. “I-I have to keep this quiet in case HR comes looking–I’ll talk to Galen about it.” She moved to leave. “You all can figure out how to handle this, just….” Her eyes softened. “Please make sure he doesn't die.” With that, she left.
“So….” Invisigal drawled. “Rock-Paper-Scissors for who goes first?” She suggested.
They all agreed and a tournament was held. Even Flambae, as much as he acted like he hated Robert’s guts, seemed keen to get to be the first who rearranged them. They decided the whole rest of the roster by who made it the farthest in the tournament. Waterboy and Golem sat out of it for their own reasons.
And so, the list was decided.