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Chapter Text

No matter what the ninja told him at the Tournament of the Sources, he didn’t believe their manipulation tactics. He was not a ninja; he never was and will never join their team.

His goodness had been shattered, his soul left empty right after the merge, the memories stripped from his being. Then, once he finally found a new version of himself, that too was stripped, broken into pieces by the Gong of Shattering. He was then left alone, wandering through the realms, trying to find a purpose, something that suited who he was.

A Bounty Hunter.

A new name for himself, a brand-new identity, he could retreat to it when he needed to. Nobody would know who he is, Ras wouldn’t know the one after him was the very person he’d sent away, the ninja nor the Administration would try to come after him with the new alias.

He just never imagined he would find his way to the ninja himself, never imagined that somehow, all trails lead back to them. Fate really hated him; it always found a way to bring him back to the people he wanted to avoid.

Their soft voices that talked to him like he was a lost puppy, someone who wasn’t in control of their own actions; but he was, he knew everything that he was doing. He was himself, but the ninja were convinced he wasn’t.

Either way, he wouldn’t believe their lies, if they happened to be true, he didn’t care anymore. Now, in the post-merge world, he wanted to embrace the identity he built for himself.

He didn’t care for his lost memories, that part of him was gone. He accepted that a long while ago.

But he couldn’t control it, when the rock suddenly hit in that battle, they all came flooding back. He didn’t see those memories flooding back, he was out the moment it made impact, but in those moments of darkness, his new self was wiped away.

No one knew how it could happen, how the rock could shove him back into his old mind, but it did, he felt his very being change just for a fragment of a second, but it was powerful, and it hurt more than anything to watch himself transform into someone he tried to deny ever being.

And just like when the Merge happened, a whole part of himself was gone. The old Jay may not have wanted to keep the new version of himself, but the current him did.

Hopefully, he’d find a way to fight for that.

-

The winds of chaos were ravaging, the team, as they fought Thunderfang, they could barely open their eyes or see the enemies they were meant to fight. Jay, at the same time, was trying to get his hands on Ras, ignoring the newly awakened dragon declaring war behind him.

Though, getting Ras for his client didn’t really go well. First, he couldn’t stay in flight with the wings and trying to find Ras through the sand blasting through the air was almost impossible. He had then been nearly taken out by a dragonian with a dagger before he decided to take them out with his lightning.

Until the blast from that dragon basically evaporating into dust stopped him in his tracks. A large rock shot straight towards him, the colours around him blasted through his pupils. It was overstimulating, way too much for him to process; the violent screams of the dragon, the flashes, and then the pain flooded every sense he tried to hold onto.

But he didn’t have time to process it before he was completely out. He didn’t feel much of that at all when it hit.

__

“There!” Nya shouted, she had darted her eyes around the area; after assuring herself that Lloyd and everyone else was okay, her mind thrusted itself back to the fact that Jay, somehow, had been in that battle. While not exactly fighting against Thunderfang, he had fought some dragonians alongside her.

While he only fought them because they were attacking him, and not because he was slowly restoring his natural sense of goodness, the need to protect he once had as a ninja. Nya wanted to imagine the latter was true. As they stood side by side, trying to process what was happening through the chaotic storm, Nya tried to imagine that his dark blue attire was his usual Gi.

She tried to convince her brain that he really was there, and for a second, it really did feel like nothing had changed. Jay was fighting alongside her, for whatever reason he was there for, Nya felt like maybe it was enough.

Just for now.

Just while his goodness was shattered, while his memories were gone, this felt like the best she could get. She was happy with that for a second.

Until her eyes met the rocks piled on top of each other, no fragments of the blue clothing she was looking for besides an arm and foot poking out, the rest of his body piled beneath the rubble. The parts of him she could see weren’t moving at all.

As she felt her chest tighten, she let out all the air in her body as she screamed his name and began rushing towards him. “Jay!” She begged inside for him to be okay, for him to open his eyes when she got him out from the rubble. Even just a twitch of the hand or foot sticking out, anything to calm her nerves in the few seconds before she would find out herself.

“What? Jay?” A series of mumbles, then shouts of surprise came from the group behind her, before they ultimately started running too. Each person slowly seeing the body beneath the rocks, not really registering that Jay was really there, but more so worried for the stranger that could be hurt.

So, they rushed behind her, some limping along with their injuries while Nya, her legs being pushed to the limit, was already down on the ground. Her arms burned as she tried to lift the large rocks by herself, but she managed it, then immediately managed to shuffle him out from beneath it all.

The others gathered beside her, helping move the last few rocks while she pulled him closer to her. Now, his hat had fallen off, a corner snapped off from the force of the rubble previously on top. Next, she saw his face, while most remained covered in the mask, the goggles that once glowed red were flickering on and off, a high screech and flashes of the wiring inside causing her eyes to flinch shut.

Next, it was his head. With the goggles half ripped off and the mask on the left side of his face scratched away, she could see his skin. His hair that draped across the floor, now long, much longer than the last time she’d seen it, grew a few shades darker in the blood that soaked on and around it.

Blood highlighted the sharp corners of the rock that had hit him, it trickled onto the floor while what was left of it sat on his head, coming from an obvious wound on his left side. “Guys! It’s Jay, help-“ she scratched out, her voice suddenly weak despite how much she wanted to scream. “Help me!”

Nya didn’t want to turn away from Jay to talk to the others, but she forced herself to do so and it was clear to everyone that this was serious. The ninja knew for a fact that if she looked to be panicked, tears stinging the bottom of her eyes, that they needed to work.

It was then that most of the others got closer to Jay, dropping to the floor, not taking the time to acknowledge that Jay was right below them. Unconscious on the floor, unmoving, blood dripping from his head and having appeared in the middle of a battle unrelated to him, their surprise that he was here hadn’t settled in yet, but their instinct to protect him, to save their friend was a lot stronger.

She took off his mask, trying to be gentle. She didn’t expect to have such a reaction to seeing his face again.

“We have to get him back to the monastery! Come on!” Lloyd interrupted, his voice jumping through the chaos, it stopped the panicking of the group for a moment. Nya, Kai and Pixal stopped right after he did, Kai’s hood taken off to stop the bleeding, Nya putting his head on her lap. Pixal was trying to talk louder than everyone else’s voice through their panic but struggled to grab their attention.

“Look, we can get him better help at the monastery. Kai, keep your hood pressed on the wound on the way back, then we’ll fix him up when we’re home.”

Kai picked up Jay, Nya held the hat he wore, it may have been crushed, ripped on the sides from the force, blood spilled onto the edges, but she felt like it might have been important to him. She didn’t want to risk disappointing Jay even if his mind was in the state it’s in right now.

Kai also kept the hood on the wound, with Nya’s hand resting on top, hunching over Jay. She looked close at his resting face. She hadn’t been calm enough before to notice his hair, but it was long now, a lot less curly.

He looked…older, well, he was, they’d spent years apart; but even from seeing each other at the tournament, his face looked more mature, like something he’d been through had forced him to adapt. There was a deep feeling inside of her that all his innocence was gone.

But then, the longer she stared, the more she observed the way his chest slowly rose, she realised that there were so many similarities, and maybe he hadn’t been changed at all. Maybe he wasn’t a new Jay, he still was loud, still made those same corny jokes.

Nya couldn’t help but smile, then as Kai was slowing down, seeing how she was getting closer, she kissed his forehead, moving his blood stained hair out of the way, because for now, it was enough.

Chapter Text

“Jay!” someone called out, he was in the living room playing a videogame, one that Cole had rudely stole his high score from. He decided earlier that day that he wouldn’t get up from that couch until he reclaimed his score.

“Jay! Come on, dinner’s ready!” Nya called for him this time, she was growing annoyed, and he could tell that she was one more unanswered shout from blowing up, so he paused the game, breathed out deeply and left for the dining room.

The team sat around the table, this time, it was Cole’s turn to cook, and although a few years back it would’ve been a day he’d dread, he didn’t mind it now, Cole had been really improving his cooking skills. He spotted Nya to the left and took his place next to her.

“You close to beating it yet, Jay?” Cole handed everyone their plate, to which he just huffed, crossing his arms and refusing to look him in the eye, not when he smirked mockingly at him.

“No! No, I’m not, Cole!” he snapped, slapping his hand away when it rested on his shoulder, gripping it slightly in a subtle threatening way that told him ”You’ll never reclaim your high score!”

He stepped back, and Jay expected him to laugh mockingly again, but he didn’t, his hand returned to his shoulder, gripping it tighter, shaking him.

Jay looked up smiling, hoping to see the team laughing at them, laughing at how frustrated he was about a little videogame. They weren’t, their faces were lit by smashes of colour, reds, purples, blues, every colour he could think of filling the room, shaping the walls.

Immediately, the world felt like it was shaking, the team rushed out of the room, leaving their plates behind. It seemed like something bad was happening, but what? Jay couldn’t move, he wouldn’t move because he wanted to stay on that table and eat Cole’s food, laugh with the team.

He could smell the cake that was still baking in the oven, it smelled amazing. He just wished he could stay there forever, eat, laugh, mock each other, but know that their friendships would never be damaged because of those silly arguments.

He wanted to eat the meal and get back to reclaiming his high score, his friends cheering him on behind him, his palms sweating as he gripped the controller, fully concentrated. But he couldn’t, because everyone was rushing outside, looking up at the sky as he stayed behind, there on the dining chair.

Gripping the fork, he tried to will himself to move, to join his friends, but they were already leaving in their mechs, leaving him behind.

“Jay?” someone called out again, but his friends were already gone, fighting whatever storm was harassing Ninjago. The voice felt like it called out from all directions, projecting itself right into his mind.

But it didn’t feel as real as he hoped it would as something slammed into him, a large object, or a deep feeling that something horrible had happened. It felt like years of emptiness had suddenly replaced his soul, and he felt nothing, a static that was left in his mind when his friends were no longer there.

--

Everything was fuzzy, unclear, he had no idea what was happening, barely aware of his own existence. A pot of dull colours smashed against his sight, but he couldn’t really see anything yet, just browns, purples, small fragments of light that seeped through his eyelids.

There were sounds…voices? First, they started as muffles, like his ears were pressed against some pillows, then they got clearer, sharper. It felt like he was on a pillow, the sensations beneath him soft, pressed to the shape of his head, it all felt cozy until a voice rang out.

“…Jay?” Lloyd’s hesitant voice shot through him once his eyes were starting to open, while the noises around him were still so fuzzy, those unclear, dulled senses were painful to him. He groaned, trying to manoeuvre his arm behind him to lift himself up.

He was laid down, his body not moving much on a bed, was it his bed? The med bay? Where was he?

The last thing he remembered was a normal day, he woke up, had breakfast with the team, they laughed, he threw food at Cole’s face until Master Wu told them to stop, “not at the table,” he commanded. There was a strange panic to his voice that had started a few days earlier, and later that day, Wu made Lloyd run around with a bunch of scrolls.

Then after that…there was something else?

He couldn’t remember anything about it, but something happened, something big.

But he had no memory of falling to sleep that night, he never even remembered it turning night, the last thing he remembered was the evening. The sun was hitting Nya’s face in such a way that brought out the mix of colours in her hazel eyes, they were sat on the steps together.

Also, he felt horrible, like he’d been hit by a truck and his head was throbbing, sharp and dull pain at the same time. This time, with a lot of effort and a shaky hand, he managed to grab the side of his head.

Trying to feel, trying to grab as many of his senses as he could, he pressed hard against the side, then noticed the texture that was not his hair. A bandage? It felt smooth. Then his hair, it didn’t feel as curly as it normally did, didn’t feel like his, but he was sure it was, unless it was Nya’s and they were in bed together. Maybe he’d just had one rough night, partied with the ninja too hard, blacked out and completely forgotten it.

As his fingers wrapped around the hair, trying to decipher whether it was his own or Nya’s, his eyes couldn’t open fully. They stayed half open but all that he saw was still just a blur of light, blinding white only interrupted by the small mixes of colour.

His hands, although shaking, tried to run through the hair that he assumed were Nya’s. He hoped she were there.

“N…Nya?” he croaked out, he didn’t think she would even be able to hear him with how quiet his voice was. He assumed it was the morning and would usually expect a raspiness to it, but the way his voice refused to speak clearly and felt so weak as if he hadn’t talked in years, he felt like there was something more to his state than just a rough night.

Once he got the energy to speak, he traced through his hair more, turning to the side, hoping to feel Nya’s hair better and see her beside him. The blinding light of the room gave away that it definitely was not early morning, the time everyone else in the monastery would usually wake up.

If he was in his room, it’d be pretty dark when he first wakes, and getting himself up would be pretty abrupt, either an alarm or one of the other ninja barging in because he’s overslept. But this was slow, painful and it dragged on as if his body was still asleep but his mind now half awake and each half was trying to drag itself back into each other.

The half that wanted to wake up and see Nya worked harder to pry his eyes open, which happened all too suddenly, sending the ninja flinching back just a little. Not noticeable to Jay, now waking up after a week long coma, but enough for everyone to realise that each of them were still wary around him.

With his eyes wide open, stinging, threatening to shut back closed immediately at the brightness, he realised he wasn’t in his room. More aware than before, the comfort below him was not as soft as his bed, it was a lot more stiff, the layer thin. The ceiling was the same colour but when he quickly grabbed enough strength to dart his eyes around, he realised the walls weren’t the blue walls of his room.

Perhaps…the medbay?

“Jay?” It was Nya, she was there. The beating of his heart slowing but still beating profusely none the less.

“Jay! Can you hear us?” She sounded so…scared?

What in the name of Ninjago had happened?

Thankfully, he felt like he’d gathered more strength now, even if it was only enough to let out a strained “huh,” then focus his eyes enough to catch the ninja’s face above him. Immediately, he felt flooded with it all.

The lights.

Sounds.

Faces that all looked worried. Their teeth clenched, hands pressed together but also a confusing look of excitement on their faces too. But, for some reason, none of them actually touched him besides Nya, like they were hesitant. Why would they be unsure?

Nya’s hands gripped firmly but comfortingly on his shoulders weren’t overwhelming like the rest of his senses, though. They felt safe and secure.

Only until he suddenly twisted his body the other way around, making sure that Nya let go of her grip. He didn’t know why, but the way she touched him and blasted concern into his face bothered him.

But he forgot about that right away and turned back to looking straight up. “Jay? Can you talk?” Finally, Lloyd’s voice was clear. However, today it felt more assertive, demanding, more grown up. It wasn’t deeper or anything, just a tinge of something different, a small difference, yeah, but not something that would happen overnight.

He was sure he’d just slept in, so why the heck were all the ninja gathering above him, looking terrified, cautious and overly excited, why was he in the medbay and why did he feel…awful?

“H-huh?” His weak hands tried to push himself up, they felt numb and crumped under any pressure. Cole noticed and helped him up, suddenly, everything was so detailed. Once he felt something familiar, the faces of everyone felt more clear, this time, he truly saw how scared everyone looked, cautious and unsure, none of them got too close.

“Nya? Cole?” his voice was scratchy, his breath being caught half way through his words that led to a coughing fit. The hitching and chocking felt sharp on his back and travelled to his head, which he felt again and realised there definitely was a bandage on there.

Everyone stopped moving once he spoke, their arms half stretched towards him but their bodies not jumping in for a hug, they had no idea how Jay would react to having the six ninja he proclaimed to hate pounce at him the moment he wakes up. However, once he said their names, which Jay recently would not have took any time to remember, they felt themselves itching towards him. “Where am I? Am- am I…in the medbay? What?”

His hand weakly crawled its way back down and then reached towards Nya. He didn’t know why, well, he did, it was because he wanted her, to touch her, to hold her hand and know that she’s there.

What he didn’t understand was why he felt so drawn to do it; like it was something he’d been lacking for a long time. He was just with her yesterday, why did he have such a strong itch to grab her? Why was it that when he saw everyone’s faces, it suddenly felt…so big? His emotions quickly came over him as he felt the tears sprout in the corners of his eyes, mixed with the pain from his head and the utter weakness in his body, he didn’t know how else to react.

“Jay!” Nya quickly rushed closer, grabbing his hands, Cole had also now hoisted him up, leaning against pillows, no longer laid flat. Jay didn’t speak, only stared wide-eyed at her confusing desperate look. “Are…are you? You remember me?”

At her words, he tightened up and gripped her hands harder, though, it was still a very weak attempt at that, trying to use his muscles felt futile. “W-“ he grunted, flinching when the light of the room felt too bright for a moment. “What do you mean, guys? What happened? I don’t- we were just in the MonasteryI…I don’t understand?” he questioned.

Lloyd’s breath shuddered, surely Jay remembered, surely he hadn’t forgotten everything that happened? How did he know their names and how was he not being so aggressive, as he always had towards them. “Jay…Jay, you were…but in the storm, you were there, we found y-“

“Weren’t you just evil-“ Wyldfyre pushed to the front, leaning on the bed and looking around to see if everyone else had the same confused look.

Kai interrupted, shoving a hand on top of Wyldfyre’s mouth to shut her up and laughed nervously, he pushed to the front too, to which Jay jumped back and groaned, gripping his head once again. “What do you remember?”

“Look…let’s just give him a break, give him time to adjust.” Zane calmed the others, especially Lloyd, whose chest was shuddering with each breath, trying to piece it all together for the team.

“Yeah, okay, sorry.” Lloyd’s voice trailed off then he turned to Jay, who looked utterly confused about the whole situation. The last thing he remembered was just a normal day, didn’t remember any injury he sustained or any battle that would leave the others so worried. He stayed silent as Lloyd finished, “Jay, um, we’ll explain later, but you…uh, just, nothing- don’t worry about it.” He backed away, sweat trailing down his temple and a nervous smile on his face as the others slowly followed, but not without looks of confusion.

“Just get some rest, okay?” Cole stopped Lloyd, trying to take Jay’s mind off everyone’s inability to react to the situation, then the group left the room, leaving Jay alone.

--

“Okay, so…he remembers us?” Lloyd paced around the living room before suddenly stopping in his tracks and turning to the group, all fidgeting nervously, trying to figure out what Lloyd was trying to as well.

Nya’s leg bounced, she sat on the arm of the couch barely able to face the others, she couldn’t bare seeing everyone’s nervous faces despite her own probably being even worse. “Just like that? But it sounded like he didn’t even remember that battle with Thunderfang.”

“It makes sense that he doesn’t remember that, Nya, he got hit on the head, now he’s got even more memory loss.” Kai answered, walking to her side and taking a seat on the couch, his head resting on the back looking at the majority of the team stood up. Wyldfyre was there too, she sat on the ground leaning on Riyu.

“In case you don’t recall, he said that we were just at the Monastery together. I fear the last thing he remembers might be before the merge. He has no memory of shattering his goodness, the administration, Ras, the battle with Thunderfang…” Zane reminded everyone, his statement followed by short breaths everyone had been holding in.

What could they do? Lloyd returned to pacing back and forth, his finger on his chin tapping his lips as they hung, getting ready to speak a plan into existence. Unfortunately, one didn’t come. How could they tell Jay that he had shattered his goodness? First, if his last memory really was from before the merge, he wouldn’t even know what “shattering your goodness” even means!

Then, how would Jay, the most notable member of the team for freaking out, handle the fact that he’d forgotten the last several years of his life, and in that time he had no recollection of, had managed to be lied to twice, manipulated and became such a tremendously different version of himself. How could he handle the fact that the ninja, as hard as it was to admit, were being cautious around him?

They were so happy, of course, but they thought about what they were saying, felt like they had to reason with him, and during his time unconscious, were scared of how he’d act when he woke up.

How could Jay deal with the fact that they were scared?

Even Nya was scared, scared of how he’d become normal again, scared of how he’d act towards her, scared if they even had a future together.

But she was the best at hiding that fear, she didn’t want Jay, shattered goodness or memory loss or not, to know that.

“So…what do we tell him?” Kai questioned, uncertainty hung in the air.

After a few seconds of silence, Lloyd stopped pacing again. “We tell him the truth, right? We cant just lie to him. He’s been lied to enough.” He tried to sound confident, like he knew exactly what he was going to do, but the proud statement came out more as a question, a desperate plea for reassurance.

“But he doesn’t know that, he’s forgotten everything.” Wyldfyre spoke up a little too loudly, no one knew what point she was trying to make, perhaps she just wanted the most chaos out of the situation.

Everyone turned their heads away from each other, “While I think we should tell him the truth, giving him this news right now may be too overwhelming for him in his current state. He did just wake up from a coma.” Zane explained, catching everyone’s attention again. They all knew both options would come with a whole list of problems, but one of them definitely followed their ninja values more.

“Then what do we do?” Nya asked, her voice low, she could barely project her voice, everyone could tell that she was on the brink of crying. She didn’t know why, because she should be happy that Jay forgot all those things.

He didn’t have to know of all the people that lied to him, the years spent alone not knowing who he was. She found it so hard to think about how alone he felt after he left the tournament, for the first time, he wasn’t even living in a lie, he’d been abandoned by the people that gave a promise of a purpose, gone in an instant.

She never wanted Jay to ever feel like that. She wanted everything to be normal again.

“We tell him the truth…eventually.” Lloyd answered, rubbing the back of his head.

“Right now, I think we should tell Jay that he’s been in a coma for a week and has suffered memory loss…of the last several years. We explain the merge, and when he’s more stable…mentally and physically, we should tell him the rest.” Zane added.

Lloyd’s throat once again struggled to let air pass through, he felt strangled by the difficult situation, he wasn’t handling such a tricky situation. Zane, who wasn’t even the master, took in charge. Though, he seemed completely sure Jay would be given the truth in due time, while Lloyd panicked at the thought.

“And he’s not gonna freak when we tell him he’s forgot about the last like…what? Five or so years of his life. I’m really starting to lose track of when the merge happened, y’know.” Kai commented, a tone in his voice that gave the hint to everyone that something terrible was going to happen. “Can we not just leave out the time frame? Tell him he’s been in a coma for all this time instead?”

Zane sighed, and dragged his hand down his face. “I know he will panic, but he may panic even more if we tell him he’s been in such a long coma. I also don’t believe we can keep Wyldfyre and Riyu a secret if we only tell him of his coma. I don’t think he’d believe we recruited two new ninja in just a week, Kai.”

“Well, Jay’s not the brightest, you never know.” Kai huffed, turned around and retreated fully onto the couch. Nya heard the sly, quiet comment and elbowed his side.

“Right, okay…we tell him what Zane said. For now.” Nya returned to the conversation, stating the plan quietly, she didn’t like it, having to lie to him, but she also didn’t enjoy how she would have to eventually see Jay react to what really happened. She didn’t want him to go through that, to know that he hurt her.

She couldn’t bear to let him know that he had been…a different person, used the Gong of Shattering to bring out the deepest of his desires, make him think the things she was sure he would have never thought before. Hopefully, when Jay finds out what really happened, he would forget that version of himself, moves past it. He had to.

Or, hopefully, she just prayed that Rogue didn’t exist anymore.

Chapter Text

His mind had returned to a foggy daze quickly, when the ninja left the room, he was left alone and confused, wondering what in the world was going on until slowly, his grip on reality loosened. While Nya left, he held a hand out, he was laid back down with Cole’s help beforehand, but he didn’t pay much attention to him, he only wanted her.

Eventually, his hand fell, the small shakiness of one hand somehow shooting pain through his whole body before he fell to sleep again, he hoped that this was a weird dream.

While he barely had any idea what was happening, his unclear mind managed to gather he must have been injured in some way and been unconscious for some time, maybe a few hours, and forgot about the battle. Though, he didn’t care about what got him there, he just wanted to fall to sleep and wake up with Nya there.

Then, his eyes opened a while later. He wasn’t in his bed, he realised quickly, this time he could make out everything clearer, the details of the wall sharper, his own thoughts more streamlined.

Sighing, he tried to sit up only to be shoved a clear reminder that his body was weak, but from what? is what he wanted to know.

His back slammed straight back down onto the bed, he wasn’t pleased about being in the medbay, was he really so injured that he needed to be in there? Most of the time any of them landed themselves knocked out after a battle, they’d be brought to their rooms once Zane or Pixal did a quick scan.

The mattress of the medbay was not as comfortable as his bedroom, this one was thin, you couldn’t move on it without countless ear-scratching creaks from the weak structure of it. He could feel the springs more than he felt his own throbbing head.

Gosh…how did he end up here? He always got minor injuries, but to land himself unconscious in the medbay wasn’t too common for him.

Trying to squeeze every last bit of energy into his brain, he tried to think of what could have happened. He remembered yesterday, he knew that. They had breakfast together, lunch…? Dinner wasn’t in his memory. Lloyd was a big part of his memory, so was Nya, but he remembered Lloyd rushing around with some scrolls, the stack tipping him backwards, his eyes covered – which Jay found pretty amusing.

He wanted to laugh, but just like before, the movement didn’t come out as a giggle, it came out as a rushing sharp pain that shot through his body. The most notable areas were his head and leg. He wondered if he’d broken it, or if he got a concussion and that’s how he doesn’t remember the supposed fight they’d been in.

Frustrated at his unexplainable weakness, he slammed his fists onto the side of the bed, it hurt, the small vibrations travelled through the rest of the bed and blared into his head, but he let out some confusion that had been reduced to anger. Deciding to stay laid on his back, he tried to stop letting his thoughts run wild, and instead try to get a bit more accustomed to his surroundings. Then, he’ll be able to think more clearly, try to remember what happened.

That never came, he tried so hard, nothing was even at the tip of his brain itching to be remembered, it was just…empty?

Okay, Jay, try to relax, just breathe. Five things you can see, five things you can hear…okay.” he spoke to himself in his empty head, while it was empty of memories it was full of thoughts that made up every bad scenario. He quickly tried following what his brain was telling him to do.

Five things you can see; he felt the light sting his eyes, his head hurt, his leg ached, he was in his pyjamas (they fit differently on him, he wondered why), and he felt his hair. It cusped under his back, on the side of his neck and clinged slightly to his head once the sweating panic picked up.

Now, why was his hair long?

He went to grab it, but at the exact moment, everyone that had left before came shuffling back in and made him forget what he was wondering. It felt tight in there, but thankfully they weren’t all trying to squeeze around his bed and bombard him with questions like before.

“Jay.” Nya sat beside him, this time she hugged him, it felt tighter than usual, but there was something different about the way her hands touched his back, or maybe it was the way it felt like his frame had changed and their bodies didn’t slot into one another in a hug as they did before. When she said his name, it felt like a statement, a declaration, not like she was calling out his name to get his attention.

“Right, uh…what happened?” Jay asked, more seriousness to his tone but still not being able to hide how he was scared. At the same time, Nya helped him sit up again.

Jay didn’t care to take notice of the few moments of silence every time he spoke, he was too exhausted and it sounded like something in the back of his own mind was begging him not to dwell on it, but the one in front knew he should. He chose to listen to the back.

“What’s the last thing you remember, Jay? A battle, any person, anything you…said?” Lloyd questioned him, he tried to not sound demanding but he desperately needed him to answer quick or he was going to drive himself into panic.

“Uh…we were all at the monastery, weren’t we? Hm, yesterday, wasn’t it? I don’t know, everything’s a bit foggy, sorry.” He tried to answer as Nya helped him sit up.

Zane perched himself on the side of the bed and sighed, looking directly at Jay, then explained firmly. “Look, Jay, you’ve been in a coma for a week. In our last battle, you got hit in the head and suffered extensive memory loss.”

At least right now, they were telling him as much truth as they could. Nya tried convincing herself that this situation was okay, they were withdrawing the truth to keep him calm.

“Extensive? Like…a lot? How much?”

Kai, in the back, was tapping his foot, afraid to look directly at Jay. First, it was from the shame that they were only partly telling the truth, then it was mostly about how scared he was of his reaction. It was Jay, of course he’d freak out.

“Well…um.” Lloyd put a hand on Jay’s shoulder. “We think you’ve forgotten the last several years, the last thing you remember, we think, is from before the merge.”

“What?!” he immediately shouted out, the others flinched back. His body flinched forward too, the force of it feeling like he’d just flung his organs around inside him. As his body straightened it felt like it used up the last of his energy and he flopped back down again, resting on the pillows behind him that allowed his weak body to sit up.

Trying to collect himself again, he breathed heavily, his mouth hung wide and low to suck in some air but not a lot came. While he wasn’t screaming and ranting about the sudden drop of this news, he had never felt so panicked. This time, he simply just didn’t have the energy to release that panic, which in turn, left it all bubbled up inside of him, festering slowly through each solemn, guilty or concerned look of his friends.

“What do you mean? What? T-the what? What’s happened- how- how do you know it’s been years? Guys? Co-come…come on!” he slipped on his words, his voice slurring, tripping or interrupting itself as he tried to form some words, some desperate questions that were too vague to be answered.

“Jay, woah, okay…” Cole gently placed a hand on his shoulder, leading him to rest back down on the pillows, but positioning him much further down than he originally was seeing how he grabbed his chest in pain. Laying down, Jay felt vulnerable, to attack, to something bad, he didn’t know what. He was surrounded by friends, but not even their presence or a chance for an explanation seemed to calm him down.

“Just…calm down. We’ll explain. Just take a minute, buddy.” Cole tried soothing him again, hesitantly pulling away from his shoulder and offering him his hand.

Jay, although still shook with the words of his friends and his body still trying to calm the shakiness, waited for the explanation from the others stood around the room in a momentary silence. After a few long, dreadful seconds, Lloyd scooted forward, fidgeting and hesitant.

“Look, Jay…uh” he turned away, rubbing the back of his head. “This was a few years ago, and it seems you’ve forgotten all about it, but-the merge was this storm, when all the realms came into one. Now, the world…it’s what we call the Merged Lands.”

Jay didn’t do anything right away, he didn’t scream, didn’t panic, just stared, his chest still shuddering from the initial shock. No one could tell if he’d even heard what Lloyd had said this time, well, that was until he jumped back, pushed Lloyd away from him and yelled. “W-what? What do you mean?! The…merge?” Suddenly, it was feeling like Jay had never left, he never shattered his goodness.

However, when Jay shoved him away, while it was just in a moment of sudden panic, the way he pushed him with such force, the feeling of his hands getting him away didn’t feel the same. They were more hostile, and even though Lloyd would’ve wanted so desperately to comfort Jay, calm him down like they always did; this time, he couldn’t.

Why didn’t it feel the same?

Though, his goodness would still be shattered, shouldn’t it?

He hoped not, and once again they’d ran into a miracle of luck. Everything was okay, concluded in one of their epic battles, this time, their miracle was a lucky hit to the head that may have left Jay in a coma for a week but also managed to bring back all of his memories and unshattered his goodness.

Though, he didn’t think about the part that was forgetting everything about his goodness being shattered, fighting for Ras, working in the administration for years. He really did have no idea years has passed, it wasn’t just a normal day in the monastery, resting peacefully amidst the mountains in Ninjago.

This time, this day, they were in a totally different world that Jay had no knowledge of.

And once again, he was probably confused, scared, just like how he imagined he was right after the merge. Waking up, being forced to work in the administration simply because they told you that’s who you were, not questioning anything, but there was probably always a deep sense of something not feeling right.

Lloyd was hoping Jay didn’t notice it now, they may be withdrawing the truth from him, but they weren’t just down right lying! Not like the Administration, not like Ras.

That’s the difference between us and Ras. That’s what he told himself, but it didn’t calm his nerves.

Again, he sighed, preparing himself to calm his friend down. Inside himself, he noted that he wouldn’t let Jay feel alone ever again. This time, he wouldn’t know of all the things he did when he was lied to, Jay would never knew what he did to them.

What was he saying? Everyone agreed they would tell him the truth already? He pushed those thoughts aside, he just had to speak to Jay, act like everything was normal.

“Look…Jay, uh- calm down. Uh-“ Lloyd tried to step up, but in this moment, he was finding it way too hard to do what a master should do. This time, it was especially hard considering how Jay probably didn’t see him as the master, he didn’t know Wyldfyre and Riyu who peeked into the room. If he stepped outside right now, it would be a totally different world, more than one moon, a new realm on the horizon, they’d all gotten used to it, it was normal to them now.

But not to Jay.

Finally, after Lloyd was internally begging for someone to step up too, Cole did, grabbing Jay’s shoulder gently, which immediately unclenched his body. He loosened, looking Cole in the face, but not exactly in the eyes.

“Look, he just and I mean, just work up from a coma. We’ll let you rest for a minute…and we should really check you out before we tell you anything, right guys?” Jay, like before the merge, felt himself calming when Cole got involved, his voice illicit something inside that soothed him, a firm tone to the others but soft and welcoming to him.

But…when it was Nya, something felt different. It felt strange to speak to or look at her, an invasion. He didn’t know if it was her or himself.

The group unanimously nodded their heads, looking at each other to the side, lips pursed into a straight line, and although Jay apparently just woke up from a coma with severe memory loss, he could tell when something was different about the team. He didn’t know how they thought they could hide their strange behaviour around each other anymore, everyone could read each other like a book.

At least that’s how Jay remembered, that’s how it was years back.

What could have changed?

Things always change with them, but nothing huge, their relationship gets rocky, it hits a rough patch when they lose someone. But even while that happened, they still felt connected, he always felt like he belonged.

What had happened? What weren’t they telling him?

Chapter Text

One moment, Jay was laughing with the team, he pitched some ideas for the newest mech.

Pixal and Jay weren't the closest, but she believed besides from Zane and Nya, she was closest to Jay out of the ninja. The thing is, they used to work together on mechs, new vehicles for the team, repairs, anything involving those things most of the team couldn't handle. Though, as more time passed, he did so less and less, even when it seemed like his passion.

Jay was inventing through his childhood, his dream was to fly with those wings he designed - he never got that wish. Pixal secretly wished that Jay would have kept inventing with her, and they would get those wings working. She also deeply wished that she knew why he stopped inventing; to her, it didn't seem like he fell out of interest, the look in his eyes and the passion in his voice all still indicated that he loved to invent.

But he didn't.

But now, he did, now, he designed those wings, designed the mech-suit he used in his attempts to capture Ras. She assumed that Gi he arrived in was designed by himself too. And somehow, when he arrived in that moment, years after the Merge, it felt like a piece of himself came back, despite everyone talking about how his soul is "empty", "shattered".

Pixal struggled to picture that he was a "different person." She truly believed that he wasn't, because Jay was flying through the sky with wings he made, through days of work and effort, getting dirty. Jay had those lightning daggers, something that looked so sophisticated to make, maybe too difficult for him before the Merge. Yet, after the merge, he was doing these things, and a part of Jay that Pixal loved seeing was back.

It was different, but it wasn't a different Jay.

The afternoon came along, Jay still stayed in bed as instructed by the team and had eventually fallen asleep, despite his week-long coma. Pixal checked on him after lunch and updated the team. They hung around the Monastery in mumbles, or bursts of silence where everyone tried to shout something out to fill the awkwardness, or fear.

“He’s recovering well, but…I fail to see why you are all avoiding him.” She explained, her voice filling the uncomfortable silence, she took a seat next to Zane. He gave her a quick glance, until he went back to staring at the ground, his eyes flickering subtly at a rapid speed, going through a million thoughts a second. “You haven’t explained what happened to him yet.”

Pixal was looking up, expecting a clear answer, hoping someone would answer, because her friend was exhausted and confused on that bed and his friends were all acting different around him.

While she had also been late to return to the team, missing years of the merge, it was all explained to her immediately by Zane. No one acted strange around her, the team was different but it felt normal, it had just expanded, the team’s craziness spread out to more people.

But she couldn’t deny that something was different with the way they acted, and the unavoidable fact that Jay wasn’t a part of it anymore. When Zane found her, he talked about what had happened these past few years, he talked about the new ninja, the villains they faced, but any mention of Jay was brief. She could tell that it hurt to talk about.

Zane was logical, he knew that even if it hurt, he would do it if it made the most sense, but he found it hard to explain it to her, like he was avoiding the facts. He couldn’t lie about what happened to Jay, so he just hid it from her, he hoped that at least one person wouldn’t act strange around him.

“He…” Zane started, crossing his arms.

Cole sighed, pushing forward and looking straight at Pixal, making what he was about to explain straightforward and clear. “He shattered his goodness.”

Pixal looked at Zane, whose hands now sat on his lap, he leaned over on the couch, looking at Cole. She saw his frame falter for a second when Cole spoke, before he fixed himself again. “Yes, Zane has explained that already, but what does that mean exactly?”

Kai pushed himself from the couch this time, it was sudden and bursting with everything he wanted to say, to get out of his system. “It means all the goodness inside of him is gone, Pixal. When the Merge happened, he lost his memory, we don’t know how, but he ended up in the the Realm of Madness, all alone!” the others looked at him, their eyes avoiding looking at how angry he looked while talking about Jay.

“And we’ve just been…enjoying our lives, moving on.” Kai finished, leaning against the wall again.

Zane pulled himself together quickly, looking back at Kai before sighing. He just hoped that Jay couldn’t hear anything they were saying, talking about him like he was gone, or they didn’t like this version of him and just wanted the old him back. The sad thing is that it was true, they just wanted Jay back, the old one.

“Ras found Jay and convinced him that he was a warrior from the Wyldness, where he then used the Gong of Shattering to shatter Jay’s goodness. From my knowledge, I don’t think wiping someone’s memory of that event or brain injuries would revert it.”

Pixal pulled her body closer to herself, then into Zane’s, where she grabbed his hand tight, sighing deeply. She looked to the ground, Jay still in that room all alone, as he’d been the past few years, the team still confused at who their friend is, despite him having no idea anything has even changed.

Through it all, she just hoped that things wouldn’t change too much, she may not have seen Jay in the Tournament, never seen how he acted after his goodness was shattered, but she believed. She knew that things could never change so drastically, not when they all wanted Jay back in the team, she knew they wouldn’t abandon him.

For her, Jay hadn’t changed, they’d seen each other the day of the Merge, and now, somehow years later despite the two of them being aware of those years, the team feared a Jay that seemed the same as normal.

But the rest of the team saw those fears, they were there for the Tournament, witnessing a Jay so vastly different than who he was before. Still, she knew they couldn’t abandon him.

At least, she knew she wouldn’t, “Then…we just wait and see.”

Kai scoffed from the side, while it sounded rude, it was filled with worry, he wanted Jay to be back, but to also not destroy the relationship with whoever was there with them now. He knew they were both Jay, he wanted to believe that everything was normal about him, but after seeing how hurt Nya was due to his actions, he couldn’t help but worry.

It only grew when he realised that she’d barely spoke since he woke up, and the week they waited for him to wake up was filled with awkward silences, and when those silences stopped, it was him comforting her. He told her it would all be okay when he almost knew that it wouldn’t be.

Though, he hoped, because Jay was and still is his friend, even if his goodness is shattered. If he had to fight past his fears, pretend that his brain was regrestring the two “different” Jay’s as the same person, then he would do it.

“So…we’re just waiting to see if he blows up? What if he hurts someone, his goodness is shattered, he was after Ras, did you see what he did to some of those dragonians?” the group turned to him, Kai felt guilty for what he was saying, it sounded like he didn’t believe Jay could ever be the same. “He isn’t considering how his actions hurt people, I think he’s just- he’s willing to hurt people if it benefits him. It’s- it’s scary.”

Nya, at that moment she heard his words, flinched, turning her head away from him this time. She’s been trying to register what everyone was saying, but it was all washed away with fear, because she too, was terrified.

She was scared, or maybe just confused with Jay, who no one was sure if he still had shattered goodness. There not being a clear answer was terrifying, because all she wanted to know was whether they were still nowhere near getting Jay back to normal, or if he already was, all of a sudden.

“I know, I know- just-“ Cole stepped forward, grabbing Kai’s shoulder firmly, “We aren’t going to wait for him to show that his goodness is still shattered, because we’re telling him what happened soon.” He paused, collecting the air refusing to enter his lungs, “I don’t think he’s going to hurt any of us, do you see him? He’s confused, he just woke up in a completely different world.”

“And we will research a way to unshatter his goodness.” Zane added, smiling, though it was mostly a way to force a positive atmosphere into the room.

“And what if there isn’t?” Kai exclaimed, everyone’s heads turning to the ground, their legs bouncing, fingers trembling because they couldn’t imagine a world where he wasn’t the Jay they always knew.

“Then he’s still our friend!” Cole’s hand pushed into the air, his body twisting to everyone else, calling for an answer, an indication that they believed the same thing. Kai nodded, though hesitantly, while the others took a few more awkward seconds to do the same.

Cole wanted to believe that they wouldn’t let that possibility break the team, but with the silence blasting in his ears, Lloyd not even being present, and Jay still just as confused as when he first woke up, he wasn’t sure if they had any hope too.

--

“Could you try eating some food?” Zane held a plate of soup, something soft for his stomach, thankfully, he was awake when he entered and glad that he wasn’t disrupting him from much-needed rest. “I have something soft and easy to digest for you, please try to eat it.”

The rest of the team were having dinner, and he knew the conversations around the table were probably all about Jay, Arin or Sora, the others subtly saying things that they hoped would stop Lloyd from blaming himself.

Zane handed him the food, he had to help him sit up, followed by pained and weak grunts and half open eyes. Then, he watched closely as he lifted the spoon, went to shakily take a sip of the soup, get ready to blow on the heat, until he realised it hadn’t left the bowl. With shivering hands, Jay stirred the food, looking deeply into it, a tiny fraction of his reflection shining back at him.

His face was…bland, and Zane couldn’t decipher what that could mean when it came to this strange version of Jay.

Jay’s hair hung down, hiding his face from the side, knotty and unbrushed, he realised it was already getting curlier again, tightening until it got a few inches shorter. Weirdly, he hadn’t said a thing about his hair yet, and if Lloyd was trying to hide what had happened, sudden long hair felt like something Jay would notice, sprouting more questions in his newly-awakened brain.

Still stirring the soup, his movements repetitive and slow, his face empty and dull, he spoke, “I’m not hungry right now.”

Zane held in his sigh and solemn look, but before he tried to tempt Jay to at least try a spoonful, his voice raised higher, “Can you tell me what happened now?”

“During our most recent battle, you were hit in the head by a boulder, I belie-“ he answered quickly and factually.

Jay laughed, interrupting him, causing Zane to look closer at his face, his eyes squinting, his eyes less drooped than seconds before. “No, no, I mean- like- all these years. I know I’ve already lived through it and I probably sound a little stupid asking it, but what’s happened?” In the moment, there was a smile, but Zane couldn’t register it as being permanent, something that would last for longer than a few moments, because anything he could say back could reveal something.

While Zane didn’t think it was a bad thing for him to find out the truth of what had happened to him those years, he knew that he could slip up, say that deep down, maybe he was scared, worried if he’s still the same person. Zane didn’t know if he was.

“Oh, yes.” He laughed back, fixing his position on the chair to talk deeply. “The Merge, it was a large storm that combined all of the Realms. It spread us across these new merged lands and it took us several years to reunite again, but we are here together now, all of us.” He explained, resting a hand firmly on Jay’s knee.

“And…who’s that girl? The feisty one, reminds me of Kai?”

“That’s Wyldfyre, she is the Elemental Master of Heat, one of Kai’s students-well, I mean... Lloyd’s students, though, she accompanies Kai the most.”

Jay tried to sit up, while accompanied by grunts of pain and shaking limbs, he could do it by himself, excitement filling him. “A new Ninja? She’s part of the team?”

Zane saw how Jay ignored the shaking in his limbs and the sweat trickling down his temple. He ignored that his voice sounded a few pitches deeper than before the merge, how the excitement was there but…duller. Everything felt forced, but like Jay didn’t know he was forcing it yet, his mind pinning it to exhaustion, trying to look less tired than he is.

But what if it was really his shattered soul, and subconsciously, this Jay was trying to fight past a deep feeling in his stomach, circling around his lungs that pushed his voice out less joyful than usual.

Zane swallowed his fears and the thoughts about his teammate that he didn’t like, and nodded, “Yes, she’s one of Lloyd’s new students.”

“One of?”

Oh, gosh.

He looked down to his clenched fists resting on his shaking legs, he wished there was a button that could turn off his nervous shaking, but despite being a nindroid, there wasn’t.

“Y-yes. Um- Riyu, the dragon, is another one, you may have heard him running around the Monastery.” He remembered quickly, ignoring how the topic of Arin and Sora lingered on the tip of his tongue, threatening to spill, and eventually, that river of conversations would lead to Ras, the Tournament of the Sources, Shatterspin and then-

Then him.

How his soul was shattered into a million mixed versions of himself, and he had no idea. Or what if he did, and the strange yearning feeling for evil was tearing him apart?

He was nervous about Lloyd, how he didn’t want to defy his wishes, his wish secretly being that he was too nervous to tell the truth. He was nervous that this would drive the team apart, or maybe, the decision he made to tell Jay the truth being the thing that sends him down the wrong path again.

What if…Jay left them again? And Zane’s decision was the thing to steer him in that direction?

While Zane knew for certain he would tell Jay the truth of what had happened, despite how he sensed the others weren’t completely sure, he still didn’t know how he would tell him those things. Some people may think he is calm, completely logical in this memory-loss situation, but he wasn’t.

He tried to go with the most logical solution, but that didn’t mean that solution wasn’t leaving him stifled with fear.

“Lloyd’s students?” he realised again, freezing Zane another time, though calculations of the possible conversations and words that would reveal things too early ran through his mind, so he felt more confident to speak. “Has he finally levelled up to the Master? Has Master Wu retired?”

Oh, Master Wu.

Their Master they hadn’t seen in years, all that’s left of him being a ghostly form. Their Master, who they trusted for so many years, almost like a Father to him, who had caused the Merge.

And the Merge was why the team was separated for so many years, why Jay was left all alone and became this.

“I-um.” He tripped over his words. He wished he could be more rigid in what he wanted, live up to what everybody expected of a nindroid, but he couldn’t in a situation like this. Even though Wu had said it himself, he still find it hard to believe that he caused the merge.

But he couldn’t lie to Jay more, while right now, this was postponing the truth, if he didn’t tell what had happened to Wu, it would be more than that. He grabbed the edge of the bed, his back arching down and his head staring at the floor, then to the weaker looking hands of his friend.

“It is likely he has departed.”

He couldn’t force his head up, couldn’t face what was right in front of him, which was his friend, desperate for some answers, being given such a short sentence that held so much information.

To him, it didn’t seem very unusual to say anymore, it felt like the most likely answer, he didn’t find it hard to believe that Wu was dead. But to Jay, however, he had lived through a normal day, woken up years later, and now his Master is gone.

“What?” Jay’s shaking voice came from above, it was quiet, smaller than anything he’d said to him when excited.

“I am sorry, Jay, but the merge-“ he still couldn’t look up, face the look on his face that could either be exactly what he’d expect from the normal Jay, or something very different.

His goodness being shattered was battling with every logical answer he could think of, because in his state, he was unpredictable, he had yet to learn his habits, his true personality.

“The merge.” Jay didn’t ask it as a question, instead, it protruded out of his lips, falling to Zane’s ears and buzzing his insides. The way words fell from his tongue felt unnatural, like he was an alien, trying to figure out how to communicate in a world not designed for him, because the team right now, the state of it, wasn’t designed for him.

It wasn’t meant for someone with a shattered soul.

No one was built to deal with something like this.

Zane, finally, pushed himself up, gripping the bed harder to steady himself for the face he would see. However, it didn’t look angry, his eyebrows were barely furrowed, only a slight downturn, while his mouth hung, his eyes stared blankly ahead and his body hung forward.

“I really, really hate the Merge.”

Chapter Text

“Only unity can save us, separate, we have no chance.”

The moment Jay used the Gong of Shattering, the Shatterpsin bursting around him for the first time, it felt like his soul was split in two.

“More power.” Ras yelled from the side, he held weapons, some rested on his lap as he glared at the training session. He had recently joined this “Wolf Clan”, as Ras had told him, and recently, he felt…scared.

Well, he loved that he was there, in the place he was meant to be. He was grateful to Ras for telling him who he really was and getting him out of that forsaken Administration. Cooped up in his office, a box of fluorescent lights and stacks of paper, it never felt like him.

He was made for something more, he was made to adventure, to risk his life, to do stupid things and get injured every once in a while. Jay Walker wasn’t the person to live his life following rules, following one specific person who believed they had all the power.

Like the Administrator.

“Do not fail me, Jay. I am your Master.” He shouted again when Cinder overpowered him, he wasn’t used to his lightning powers, and he was so disappointed in himself that he’d forgotten all the power they used to hold.

Jay Walker would never be the person to follow someone’s orders.

“O-of course, Master.” He bowed, getting ready to fight again, the lightning crawling around his fists, letting the punches be much more damaging. He just hoped his trembling hands wouldn’t weaken his fighting.

He would never be the type of person to be scared.

Because he was once a warrior, fighting alongside his Master in the Wyldness, and no one could stop him, nothing would have held him back then, so he wouldn’t let memory loss or the aching, empty feeling inside stop him from doing what had to be done.

What had to be done was to put on the Wolf Mask, shatter his goodness.

Though, he didn’t really care about the last part, not outwardly, at least. It was more like the weak side of him screamed at the idea of it, the person that sat idle at the back of his mind. Goodness shattered or not, he didn’t believe that he was a “good” person.

He joined Ras because he wanted to, and even if he didn’t explain that he was once a part of his group, he would have joined anyway, because he loved every bit of adventure, all the freedom that came with it.

“Now, do it, Jay. That is an order.” Ras presented him the Wolf Mask, something he’d seen Cinder wear, he saw how each time the Gong was struck, he became something else. While not exactly different, he was more outwardly all the negative traits he possessed.

But he still wasn’t who he was before he used the Mask, still the same personality, interests, but Jay was horrified that it would change the essence of who he was. It wouldn’t just bring out the bad traits he had, it would shatter his entire soul, chuck it from his body and place someone else in its place.

He didn’t want to lose himself, but if it meant doing what he had to, he would do it.

The mask only removes the part of you that holds you back from more power, it brings the evil parts of yourself forward. It doesn’t create something new, it just reveals what you were hiding. Jay was just scared that it wouldn’t, and maybe his “goodness” was all he had.

Ras banged the gong, quickly, he realised he’d already put on the Wolf Mask, its sharp venom removing the goodness that held him back. There, it felt like it left his body, it didn’t get pushed to the back, instead, it flew into the air, leaving him behind as he wondered if he was still the same person.

But now, he did what Ras wanted of him, he wanted to be free, to battle anyone that tried to constrict him; being in the Wolf Clan gave him that chance. As the mask gripped tight onto his head, restricting him, not allowing him to see as well or hear Ras’ shouts, he realised that this was what he wanted.

He wouldn’t be held back by anyone anymore, not even himself, the parts of him that tried to be weak in the name of “goodness.”

The Shatterspin still burst around him, at first, it was like it had him in control, a tight grip of the red and black flares, but the more he concentrated, the more he gained control. Control was power, and as he stood up, clenching his fists to keep the storm outside raging, he knew this was who he was meant to be.

--

He awoke with a scream, fighting past the weakness in his voice and body. He lifted himself from the bed and fell to the ground, his leg throbbed, his head burned from the stitches barely holding on, each second more daunting.

Darkness crowded the room as flashes of whatever was going through his head tried to take over it, bursting painful jolts into his head which spread all throughout his body. His neck pulsed with the tension of breathing, his chest burned, his stomach turned at the images flashing into his mind he couldn’t make sense of.

His fingers twitching, his legs shaking and feet unable to hold himself.

Everything was happening all at once, each image clouding his head, the suffocation of it all leaving his lungs pushing out air, leaving a frail, desperate scream in its place.

The floor creaked, his bones cracked at the tension of gripping his face, the air around him stung his skin. Rhythmic bangs of the floor came from outside the small, tight room, the room that restricted him, but he could barely pay attention to anything when that moment flashes through him.

The Mask, a blue, oddly familiar Wolf Mask laid on the ground, power crawled around his body, flashes of red, red clothing in front of him, one of his friends, maybe. Someone was there, he was there to help or there to harm him.

Red – more flashes of colour, like the Storm that ravaged the world that day or the pieces of his soul being dragged from his body when he performed Shatterspin.

“Jay, Jay! No!” He was falling, his mech had failed, hit by a boulder and right after that, there was nothing. Nya was calling out his name, and he wondered if he would ever see her again, or if that moment is when he would die.

Hands touched his back that trembled and jolted with each scream, each desperate sucking in of oxygen. “Jay, Jay, wake up, it’s okay, you’re okay.” A voice called out, it sounded shaky, almost scared, of what it was scared of, he didn’t know.

But when his instincts told him to look up, and some sense of awareness returned, it wasn’t any of his teammates, it was someone else. Above him was a man, pink and black fur, red eyes, furrowed brows.

He wasn’t where he expected to be, the nightmare didn’t end, he was still there, and it had played on repeat over and over again through the night. “Get-get away, I’m not- I’m not following your orders anymore.” He pulled back, he didn’t care that his leg pulsed with pain, ignored how it felt like his head would burst.

Pulling the collar of his pyjamas from his neck, trying to remove, or at least dull the suffocation, he couldn’t bare to look at the man in front of him, the smug smile that knew exactly how to manipulate him.

But to him, that smile wasn’t cunning, it didn’t hint at any manipulation: the smile was hope, that he finally met the one that could save him.

He made him believe that this is who he was, that he had a hope of belonging anywhere.

The others, all crowded in the room, looked down to Jay, the light still not turned on but the hallway illuminating the room just enough to see his sweaty face, the tears staining his eyes, the way his hands clawed at his chest just like a tiger.

“R-“ he started, the word falling short as his eyes gripped, trying to block out the people lingering above him, the terror of the nightmare still persisting. “Ras.” He stated, acknowledging his existence, that this man existed, he was important, he just didn’t know why.

But the name felt terrifyingly natural on his tongue, but haunting either way.

Then, the figures above him stopped, Kai, whose arms held out, hoping to comfort him, lingered in the air.

That name.

Jay knew that name.

Lloyd couldn’t keep himself up and fell to the wall, his arms keeping him hoisted up. His eyes remained wide but his hands had to tight to keep their grip on the wall, stained by the nervous sweat or terrified tears he had to wipe away.

“How-how do you remember that name?” Lloyd asked shakily, but Jay didn’t seem to notice anything he said. It was like he was still in a dream, some version of himself that only existed through the terror of a nightmare.

Jay didn’t reply, he only fell into Kai’s arms and quickly fell silent, like nothing ever happened.

--

Lloyd glared at Jay who sat up in the bed, reading a comic, a slight smile on his face, but a hint of exhaustion escaping. He believed that maybe, this was an act, and that last night, he really did remember t Ihe past few years. Now, he was forming a plan, a way to slip away from the team or do something as horrible as he would have done these few years.

“Jay, I know you’re- I mean, you’re saying you don’t remember?” he exclaimed, Jay jumped slightly and looked up again, his eyelids half-way down, eyebags prevalent at this point. The eyebags were a sign he’d been terrorised by those nightmares, but somehow, he had no knowledge of any of it.

Zane had told them it was a “Night Terror”, an intense dream in the early phases of sleep, where someone may thrash, scream and appear extremely frightened, but have no memory of it when they wake up. The explanation fit with what had happened last night.

He’d hoped he would get a full nights sleep, but with the terrifying thought of Arin and Sora being alone with Ras and the new Jay situation, he hadn’t got much sleep at all the past week. At the very least, he wished for some silence in the night, moments where he could just be alone, comfortable. However, that wish was quickly disrupted, about an hour into the night, when a scream radiated across the Monastery Walls, Lloyd was quickly the first to make his way to the source.

The room that held Jay, the person, that right now – while it was horrible to say – was only extending his list of problems.

And when he entered, Jay was on the ground, his hands gripping his head, limbs and joints clutching his body harder, trying to relieve himself of whatever terror he was experiencing. While his body was trembling, his chest jumping with difficult heaves of breathing, he didn’t seem exactly…aware.

“No, Lloyd! I’ve already told you this. I-I don’t, I don’t remember having any nightmare, I- didn’t- I’m telling you; I had a full night’s sleep.”

He sounded completely confident in what he was saying, and it truly scared Lloyd, because he saw him – lashing out, mentioning the one name he thought he’d forgotten all about, the way it rolled off his tongue in a terrified but certain tone. At the front of his mind, Lloyd worried that maybe, he was back to who he was, and this was an act.

But he didn’t want to believe that, he wanted to believe that Jay really had forgotten all those years, and somehow that had fixed his shattered goodness. Now, the only thing to do to go back to normal is wait for his injuries to heal, and hide who he was for the rest of his life.

Because Jay didn’t deserve to know all he had done, Lloyd didn’t think he could bare it.

“Okay, sorry, you- you just had a nightmare, but please Jay, you can talk to me about it if you want.” He stepped closer, but not close enough to where he thought Jay could feel a personal connection with his words.

He was protecting him, but the others didn’t seem to understand that.

“Right.” Jay responded, his voice going flat at his constant questioning. He really didn’t remember it, he didn’t really even believe that it had happened, and his team was being sort of crazy.

Though, they were his teammates, and he knew he could trust them, but somehow, right now, there was something different in the way their voices registered in his brain. So, trusting them didn’t feel as much as an easy task as he thought it would be.

Chapter Text

Mostly, the days were filled with an uncomfortable silence, everyone pondering what was going on and what could happen next, Jay a sort of ticking time bomb that no one knew what to do with.

After that night, seeing Jay recall a name they assumed he’d forgotten, the way it protruded from his tongue felt so certain he knew it, but terrified at the same time. However, despite that event, the way Jay seemed to have completely forgotten about it scared them all.

Zane explained it as night terrors, and it was common for people to forget.

But that didn’t really calm their nerves, Lloyd, most of all, was questioning if it was all true, and the others were mainly scared he would have another, go into a cycle of recalling those events, gripping him with fear, just to forget all about it. They didn’t want him to keep forgetting, questioning how stable his mind was.

Jay woke up a few times, but most of each day was spent resting. He seemed mostly okay, but he was barely eating. The team didn’t take notice of those small things, they registered it as just exhaustion or weakness, or maybe they just hid their fears that it was something else.

When he was awake, someone would usually be there with him, but in an awkward, confusing quietness. Being bored out of his mind in there, barely able to move because of his injuries, he wished people would speak more.

When he asked to leave, because of course he did, Jay wouldn’t sit still even if he’d broken every bone in his body, the others would tell him no, that he must rest.

Although he just woke a few days ago, Jay was eager to be moving and the others noticed. But really, Jay could be in his room resting, he didn’t need to be in the medbay. Zane had tried to insist he go to rest in his room, because “a more familiar environment will calm his mind and body as it recovers.” However, Lloyd, who avoided Jay the most, out of discomfort and fear, he wouldn’t let him leave.

He wasn’t ready for Jay to leave, see the Monastery that might give things away, even though Lloyd himself had said that they would tell him what really happened soon. It didn’t seem like such a big deal if he found out earlier than they wanted, though to Lloyd, it was torturing him every moment.

Jay grabbed his head, the sunlight from the door opening blasting through him. He had been trying to hear anyone walking past the room they had him cooped up him, hoping they’d hear him shout. Sometimes they noticed and joined, sometimes they didn’t, and mostly, Jay wondered why Nya wasn’t coming in as much as he thought she would.

He had woken up the day before; it’d been over a day with very little entertainment. Weirdly, Kai visited him the most, especially this day, after what the rest of the team apparently witnessed him go through. But he was glad that Kai seemed normal, despite this new student following him around, attached to the hip.

It looked like things had changed, but the team felt the same, he believed.

It felt like he couldn’t trust them like he used to, but he forced himself to believe that they were telling the truth about last night. Though, the nightmare was probably just something stupid, something childish or embarrassing.

He tried to ignore how terrified the others were when talking about it, like it was something huge, something they couldn’t bear to think about.

He tried to ignore what Zane told him yesterday, that Wu was…

Zane and Lloyd joined him in the medbay, looking like they put something down, Lloyd hiding it while they squeezed through the door. So, he collected his breathing, resisted the jumpiness of his shaking body, and wouldn’t let the others see.

“Can I go out? Please?” he begged, ignoring the trembling of his limbs and the sharpness in his bones. He wish he knew how he got those injuries, but the team still acted…strange when he asked for an explanation. They mentioned a battle, that he got hit by a boulder, but there was something hidden in their tone.

“Or at least get me like a TV in here? I love these comics and all, but I’ve already read these over twice today!” Jay ignored the trembling of his voice, and the same sound shooting off Lloyd's whenever he spoke to him. He wished he was less aware, or the supposed concussion he had felt as bad as the others made it out to be so he wouldn't notice these things - like how they slowed their pace when they walked past his room, limited their eye contact.

Lloyd paused the stomping of his foot and uncrossed his arms, pressing a smile to Jay, but focusing too much on the reaction he gave, “Sure, we can get a TV in here, but you’re staying in here for the meantime, okay? I don't wanna keep repeating myself.” he instructed, but coming off way too demanding.

Lloyd tried to hide that he was going against what Zane instructed, he told the team he was okay to go to his room again or try slow walks around the Monastery. But the place outside the medbay was a collection of pictures, memories and events from the years without him. "Your concussion is still pretty bad, but I'll get...Zane to check it out." Lloyd knew he could do this by himself, he was great at first-aid, it was something he had to pick up on all those years alone and having two teenage students prone to accidents.

But he didn't want to face what had changed, what subtle differences Jay would pick up on. Scratches of wood left by Riyu, heat marks by Wyldfyre, Arin’s swing that creaked when there was a lot of wind or Sora’s inventions glowing through the night.

It would all remind Jay too much of what he had missed, or what he thought he’d simply forgotten.

It would give everything away.

So for now, he’d be keeping him here.

Before heading out, he gripped the doorframe, half looking back at Jay, but not quite letting his eyes focus on his exhausted face. “And do you…do you want Starfarer on?” Lloyd asked hesitantly, waiting for a response, trying to listen to whether he hesitated with his answer, grew too annoyed, hinted that his goodness was shattered and he was this different person. But all Jay did was smile, it was weak, full of an exhaustion that daunted him, but he answered quickly.

“Yeah, like I always have.”

--

It was like the world was tormenting them, mostly Lloyd, making them must piece together who was laid in that bed, Rogue or Jay? Or was it a strange mix of both?

Knowing that Jay had shattered his goodness and not knowing if it was still shattered or not, sent their nerves to the edge. They didn’t know how Jay should be acting right now, sometimes they found themselves wishing that it was either the full-blown evil, goodness shattered Jay or just the Jay before the merge, not this odd mix that leaves them way too cautious around him.

They knew that most of them couldn’t be hiding their fears well, they were standing on eggshells around him, unsure if he’s suddenly back to the person he always was, or if his mind is battling his shattered goodness without even knowing.

Lloyd felt sick, he couldn’t bring himself to look Jay in the eye, to say more than a few words to him. He was the master, and he should be able to rise to this problem, but he couldn’t.

Problem.

He hated that Jay just existing was a problem, but it was, because it left the team in such a confusing predicament.

“I don’t know what to do, Zane!” he blasted out after they left the room to look for a TV.

“What? We are looking for a TV for Jay, I will-“

“No! No! What do I do about- what do I do about this?” he interrupted, pointing to the room Jay laid in just down the hall.

Zane didn’t answer, he kept watching Lloyd, panicking, pulling his hair, tapping his feet and his mind probably racing with every possibility.

Since he woke up yesterday, he’d mostly paced around the halls of the Monastery, before settling down in front of the picture frame of Jay. After the merge, all those years alone, he hung pictures of the team on an altar, he would light candles to remember them and keep believing they’d return.

It took a while, but they all did, just not in the way he expected or wanted.

They didn’t know if they should tell the truth or pretend that everything was normal. Though, the difficult thing was that they didn’t know if everything was normal again. First, Jay had spent years without his memories, months or who know how long with his goodness shattered, rebuilt into a new person, and suddenly…he’s just back.

It didn’t make sense.

Lloyd knew some of the others were conflicted too, some want to tell him the truth, just drop it right onto him and get it over with, while some of them are probably terrified of spilling that secret – that he was a different person. He didn’t know what to think, right now, he was deciding to not exactly keep it from him, but just…postpone telling him.

He would do it eventually, some of the team just want to rip it off like a Band-Aid, but Lloyd didn’t think that would work, Jay would no doubt freak out, doubt who he is, fear himself.

But Lloyd didn’t know if that was just how he would react.

Maybe he was avoiding having to face Jay, scared of his reaction, but more so, scared of how he’d react to him. He didn’t want to have to face that he postponed finding Jay, how he didn’t look for him after the Tournament, how he failed his new students along with his teammates.

And, he didn’t want Jay to know that he wasn’t used to him being here, he didn’t feel a click when they spoke, he didn’t feel…the same. Maybe, he was scared of Jay, and now, because of how he suddenly remembered his past life, it wasn’t just an act of fixing his shattered goodness and restoring his memories, it was figuring out what to do with this odd version of him.

“What are you doing?” Zane asked, as he watched Lloyd take down pictures of the team. More importantly, they were pictures of the new team, ones without Jay in them.

If Lloyd wanted to keep these things from Jay a secret for just a little longer, he couldn’t see pictures of the new team with him not in them, then, he would really know he’s being lied to.

Because right now, he isn’t being lied to, he’s just giving him time to recover from his injuries, from being in a coma, until he eventually tells him what really happened those past few years.

Everything that happened to him, the lies, the manipulation, what had changed about him, and everything he did to them.

All the things he said.

Lloyd grew more aggressive as he pulled down more pictures, stacking them in his arms as Zane followed awkwardly behind him, his hands pulled forward in worry that he’d tumble over the weight of the frames. “Lloyd, do you believe this is necessary?”

While he paced through the halls, he’d heard Jay call for someone as he laid in the medbay and had to hide the picture frame he’d been gripping, hiding more, lying more. He hated it, but it was necessary, and this was something he just had to do as the Master.

“What?” Lloyd turned, dropping one of the photos onto his foot, he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment to deal with the sharp pain until he picked it up. Though, when he held the picture, noticing how the edges had collected dust, how the fall had cracked the corner, he couldn’t say what he wanted to say to Zane.

The dark brown frame had collected dust, Lloyd, with a trembling and sweaty finger felt the edge, rubbing a line off. The picture was old, years ago now, and Jay hadn’t been there to join the photo, nor had he been there for years after it was taken. And he was alone for all of that time.

As the team bonded, as new relationships formed, everyone growing more comfortable with each other, Jay had no idea. They lived their lives so unaware of what he was going through, and now, as he laid in the med-bay, shoved back into this life, they were lying to him again.

He gripped the picture tighter, his hands trembled more, and his eyes grew more focused to the people smiling but the world around him growing fuzzy, Zane’s concern growing useless to him.

Arin held a pile of snowberry pies, everyone had a piece, they were having a lot of fun without Jay, in those moments, Lloyd realised that he maybe wasn’t thinking of Jay at all. In those fun times, he had moved past his fears, forgot about finding the rest of the team and just been happy.

But Jay wasn’t happy, he was locked in the Administration, all alone after escaping, or maybe, as they took the picture, he was just being found by Ras, finding a new team that wasn’t them, just like how he’d done too.

The team all smiled, laughed and joked when Jay wasn’t there. But he found himself ignoring how their smiles were smaller than usual, the new students looked a lot happier than they did. But they still lived, postponed finding their missing friend, left him behind and continued.

The frame shook, the grip felt harder, but the picture felt like it would fall from his hands sooner.

“Lloyd. I do not think you should be taking down these pictures, they are important to you.”

He turned to Zane, who had arrived a minute prior after searching the Monastery for him. Lloyd was rushing around trying to distract his mind from everything that was happening, but only continuing to further fill his mind with that thing.

“But…Jay doesn’t know that we…” he paused, looking away from the photo in his hands, his arms shaking more when he saw the absence of Jay, and now the weird feeling in their home even as Jay was there. “He can’t see these pictures until we tell him what happened- what happened to him, that he…wasn’t here.”

He couldn’t look at Zane nor many people on the team, Zane seemed to know what his plan was, tell Jay no matter what even if him and the team were terrified, Cole, who was already doubting that the rest of them would tell him, and all the others, still conflicted. Lloyd didn’t know how he was feeling at all, so, to go with the plan for the time being, he rushed around taking down anything that would give Jay’s predicament away – that he wasn’t here.

“Well, yes, it would give it away, but would it be so bad?” Zane walked up to Lloyd, joining him as he stared into the picture frame again. Lloyd hated the indications that Jay wasn’t there all that time, but now, the presence of Jay rattled him.

Zane, with his place next to Lloyd, looked down at the picture and smiled. However, quickly, he saw the look on his face, a frown stained on it as he looked at a picture that should be bringing him joy. Looking closer, he realised he was looking at Arin and Sora.

“It isn’t your fault they left, Lloyd.”

“But is it not my fault that Jay’s like- like this?” he immediately responded, letting the picture frame fall to his side and ignoring the people on it, Nya, who smiled, but the smile coming out forced.

“Why would it be your-“

He tried to get a sentence in but was quickly interrupted by Lloyd who grew closer to him, his eyebrows furrowed and back shaking with each hitch of his breath. “Because I didn’t look hard enough! At the Tournament Nya was asking us to go look for Jay but then- then I just said…”

Zane’s shoulders dropped, because it was clear how much Lloyd was suffering, how he had no clue what to do and the responsibility on his shoulders shoving his body to the ground. Lloyd’s fingers shook as he looked away from Zane and at the empty wall that used to be home to the countless pictures. “I told her that we can’t, we couldn’t look for him because we had other things to worry about. Now- now what if because of that, or because I didn’t look for him before, now Jay won’t ever be back to nor- be the same…”

Zane struggled to form the words he knew would comfort Lloyd, like “It isn’t your fault”, “We can fix Jay”, but he couldn’t, because he wasn’t sure either.

Most of all, he too had not gone to search for Jay during the Tournament, and the guilt had been tormenting him. Maybe, they really had abandoned Jay.

Maybe they could never fix Jay, because shattered goodness is something that simply just can’t be fixed. Like some illnesses, there is no cure, and this, especially to Lloyd, was like a disease, the shattered parts of himself taking over, spreading, infecting his body and mind.

He took in a breath and placed a hand on Lloyd’s back, not on his shoulder, nor did he grow closer, there was something stopping him. “You are dealing with a lot, now we must just be there for…for Jay.”

Chapter Text

The Administration was cold, a disturbing chill that left people wondering what went on in that dull building. On the coldest of days in the Realm of Madness, Jay could see his breath as he let out a deep sigh, falling back into his chair after a long, boring day of Realm Reassignment.

The same thing over and over.

Dull and monotonous, frozen on his desk when he had to reach a deadline, his hands shaking from the strain like he’d been freezing in 56
901a wasteland. He wished he could move, but at the end of the day, his hands were slow like the cold had paralysed them, or the bones couldn’t move anymore from the constant typing, the clicking, the subtle movements that didn’t feel like him.

Not a day went by where he felt fulfilled. Even when he slacked off and played some videogames, it still didn’t feel like…him. Sure, he liked playing those games, he found it fun, in fact, especially after the days he had, but there was something he wanted more.

For some reason, no one else seemed to hate their job like he did, in fact, most other people seemed to enjoy it.

They took pleasure in the order, the rules, inflicting their view on everyone else, but Jay found it painstakingly boring. It wasn’t him, it wasn’t anything that he wanted. He didn’t want to be restricted to the room, he wanted to stand up from the chair, crack his back after hunching over and get out of that place.

It crossed his mind everyday.

It shouted in the back.

The more the dullness continued, the more all he did was work in that cold, chilling place, the louder it became. It screamed until he could barely type the weekly reports, when he wrote them in triplicate, duplicate, over and over and over.

He couldn’t take it anymore. At one point, or maybe it had felt that way forever, it felt like it was more than just hating his job. He felt different than everyone else there who for some reason, like cogs in a machine, just accepted their place in the system. But the system was fake, all made up to give the ones at the top a sense of power, he hated it, and while he was surviving, he got all he needed to do so, it wasn’t living.

There was something so different about everyone else there, and no matter how much some of his co-workers tried to make a day more entertaining, he didn’t care for them.

Not like anyone ever celebrated his birthday there, they gave him the card everyone signed, but they only signed it because it was something to do, or gave them a sense they were doing something kind. Another piece of paper littered with names that meant nothing to him, a couple messages dotted throughout, like “Have a great day.”

Something was always missing.

So, after years of the boring drag of each day, he decided he would leave. It was a quick decision, he didn’t plan it out at all, really, he just knew the moment he saw that lightning spark from his hands, that he knew he was right all along - he was meant for something more.

Adventure, fun, to fight or save, do something other than sit on that desk, or maybe, finally, something he wanted to do.

The lightning at first was overwhelming, it was scary to see raw power suddenly burst from his hands. The first time it happened, he had stretched, ready to finish up his reports for the day, his body shuddered at the yawn he pulled, and, out of the blue, a burst of light flashed through the room and power burst from his own body.

Leaving his body shaking, it felt like him, it was so much more than anything he had ever done in the Administration: all those moments wondering what was so different about him were shown through those sparks. The grey walls of the building he’d spent his years in were replaced by a glowing that nearly blinded him in a way much more powerful than the fluorescent lights of the hallways.

It was real, it was life, and it was who he was always meant to be.

But he was still scared.

No matter how much adventure he wished for, the Administration held him back by its chains. They were imaginary chains, but they did a terrifying job at holding Jay to the ground, implanting the fact into his mind – that he would never escape.

He would never be free.

And he would always be under someone else’s influence, he would never fly freely, feel the lightning, control it to his own will, live and breathe the air he wanted to. He couldn’t see the sky in that building, and even if he could escape, he’d have to get through the Realm of Madness, a dark sky that never glowed blue, a terrifying place much less forgiving than this.

The first place he remembered, right outside the Administration, when those men in suits appeared and told him that this was who he was. Yet, he just knew that wasn’t who he was now.

But he agreed, and he complied, and he succumbed to the will of who he supposedly was before, because that’s all he knew how to do.

--

Lloyd’s voice crumbled, falling short and timid as he tried to shout his name, he wished he could pull his words out, but he couldn’t even hear what he was trying to say as the screams blasted from the other side of the wall.

He’d tried to ignore that Arin and Sora were gone with Ras, that Arin’s parents were dead, and maybe if he hadn’t postponed finding them, he would have reached them in time. But he knew that ignoring that they were gone to stop his stress was exactly what was wrong with him.

Arin left because of him; he wasn’t a good enough Master.

Sora thought the same thing too; Ras could give them what he couldn’t – a promise. Lloyd could never keep those promises no matter how hard he tried, because something just kept coming up, and he was so tired.

Now, Jay was having nightmares, and this time, it sounded even worse. Jay woke up with a scream once again, and this time, as Lloyd was walking through the Monastery at night, he heard it.

After talking with Zane the day before, for a second, it had calmed him down, he put up the photos of the team again, taking them down felt like he was abandoning hope of Arin and Sora coming back. Deep down, it felt like he was giving up on Jay, taking down the pictures of a version of him that didn’t exist now, letting this new one be the only one left.

The Jay he knew only existed in his memories, it felt like if he entered that room, the person he didn’t know would be staring right at him, he didn’t like that it felt like he was caring for a replacement, a stranger.

So, he had laid awake, switched to meditating, twisted in bed, walked around the dark halls of the Monastery trying to distract his mind, or shove the idea in his head that this was Jay, he was still Jay, right?

His hand had sat hallway to the door, but it couldn’t stick to what he thought he should do – help Jay. Even while his breath picked up, Lloyd being able to hear it from behind the door, he couldn’t slide it open.

He couldn’t face what was in front of him, that Jay was different, but he was here – they found him. His mind struggled to comprehend that fact, because after years of promises saying, “The team will get back together”, “We’ll find Jay after this,” and “We’ll find Jay after that,” he couldn’t imagine that it had actually happened.

Especially not when it turned out nothing like he expected, and neither Jay or Lloyd knew what was happening, but everything they were both feeling, in a way, was his fault.

The floors creaked as Jay seemed to be getting out of bed, falling to the ground, but Lloyd still stood there, staring at the bare, beige door, the one that covered up what he was afraid of, who he was afraid of.

As he noticed his hands shaking, acting like the door was a hot stove his mind refused to touch, he realised that maybe, he was afraid of Jay.

No. He was afraid of this Jay.

He was afraid that he wasn’t the same as he always was.

“Lloyd?” Nya called from behind, rubbing her eyes, she had rarely seen Jay either, a hint of fear behind her eyes too. However, once she saw how he stood frozen as the sounds from behind the door indicated that Jay was struggling, twisting and turning on the ground, she didn’t hesitate to enter.

“What’s wrong with him?” she questioned, turning to Lloyd, immediately, she had fell to the ground and grabbed Jay, she tried to keep him still, but he was flailing and twisting, trying to break free of whatever nightmare was plaguing him. While his leg was still injured, body still tremendously weak, he found it easy to ignore that when these dreams took over.

But, besides how powerful and consuming they seemed, he didn’t remember it in the morning. Like he had entered the mind of his past self again, suddenly tortured by everything he’d done these past few years.

Then he forgets about it all over again, his mind really didn’t want him to remember those things. She just wished she could know what he was dreaming about, like if he really did dream of the moments with Ras, or if the fear was just a sense of him; like a strange version of deja-vu, he knew something was there, he didn’t know what, but it terrified him.

Nya almost felt the same way, she could feel that this wasn’t the same Jay as before the merge, even though all the memories it held were of that time. He acted like Jay, he was Jay, but that was all that it felt like, a body that held the personality and memories of him, while his true self was trying to fight through.

“Jay, Jay, don’t hurt yourself.” She ran a hand softly through his hair, feeling its loosening curls, how his hair was now just a slight wave. It used to be full of curls that bounced as he walked, or ones that she could twirl around her fingers and have them retain its shape, now, as she touched his hair, it fell back to his shoulders, limp and lifeless.

His eyes were opening after the petrifying grip, his body shuddering as the feelings of that nightmare washed through him. She gripped tighter because she didn’t want him to get hurt, and maybe, in these almost delusional moments, it felt okay to hug him.

It felt normal to hold him tight; she could imagine that this was the times she would comfort him after a nightmare, those days after the erased timeline where he was terrified that she’d be dead again. Nya could hope, as Jay wailed on the ground, that they were young again, with worries and nightmares, but that time, they knew being there for one another would be enough to fight them.

Hands pushing into him further, grabbing his heaving body up to her chest, all she could imagine is that this was the Jay she always had, and nothing had changed. She wished she could pretend for a second longer.

Though, with his long hair sticking to his sweat-stained neck, his frame feeling different, his voice deeper than she remembered even when the crying brought up the pitch, she found it difficult. The screams, shouts and hitches of his breath would sound like him for a second, like when he drowned, and she held him in her arms for a few seconds as he heaved and coughed. Still, they would quickly turn bitter, like he was coughing out every part of him he loved.

As Jay began calming down, his body relaxing into her body, she felt him grip her tight, and for a moment, it really did feel like he was back.

She’d comforted him through a nightmare he had back then, hugged him tight after being apart for too long, listened to his cries. She knew that all of that was happening now, but it wasn’t the way that she wanted, so she pretended that it was for the reasons back then.

“Nya, I’m sorry.” He whispered, his voice had a slight tremble, but his grip felt tight and demanding, like he also wanted to grip onto their time together as tight as he could, before everything falls apart again.

Jay was sorry, she didn’t know what for, but as he tried to contain his hitching breath and trickling tears, he sounded ashamed of what was happening. Though, this was another night terror, and she knew he wouldn’t remember this in the morning.

And she wished she knew if she felt good about hearing those words.

I’m sorry.

Nya was hurting, for a few shameful moments, she’d felt like she’d been left behind by Jay; alone in the realm of madness, she wished Jay would hurry up and find her, to fight the dragons together. Defending the Kraglings, being praised by them, she felt like that was exactly what Jay would have wanted, but he never came, not even when Kai and Lloyd arrived.

He was just gone; she didn’t feel any presence of him anywhere.

Though, now, she felt like she should be the one apologising for those years after the Merge. Nya wasn’t left alone, she found Kai, she eventually reunited with Lloyd, she had a purpose, Jay had nothing.

And really, she believed she was the one that abandoned him, she stuck to that conflict, protected the kraglings she didn’t even know before searching for Jay, who she had no idea if he was even alive or dead.

But then, there was Lloyd, on his knees, like he’d completely fallen apart, he hadn’t helped Jay, but just listened to his struggles, his cries, the confusion that had probably slashed around the room at the unexplainable dreams. And while he would forget about it in the morning, this meltdown only happening in a half-asleep state, she still had to be there for him, like she hadn’t been all those years.

Or, like how she hadn’t been since he woke up, she could barely look him in the eye, barely talk to him when he was meant to be so special to her. It was all because she didn’t know what to think of him as, though now, as he cried on the floor, she knew she had to believe this was the real Jay, even if she didn’t believe it.

Rogue doesn’t exist anymore, his goodness isn’t shattered anymore.

She chanted those words in her head, because those words seemed like the only things that would force her to act the same around Jay.

“I’m sorry too, Jay.” She pulled his heaving body into hers, and it felt the same as before, she told herself. “But you’re okay, you’re okay now, you’re home.”

Chapter Text

Cole was…conflicted.

He considered his sixth sense to be knowing exactly what his best friends are feeling and thinking. Looking at Jay, the faces he pulled, the amused faces that felt somewhat forced, he was suspecting that he knew something was off.

What was off is that they were lying to him.

While the team was trying to define it as “concealing the truth”, and “just for a little”, he felt like the time they thought was right to tell him wouldn’t come as soon as he believed. As much as he knew it would hurt to tell Jay what had happened to him, what was still happening to him, he wanted to tell him.

Jay wasn’t stupid, he would find out they weren’t being completely honest soon enough, and now he was starting to think that time would come before the ninja were ready to tell him themselves.

Cole understood why they were so scared to tell him, why they stumble on their words whenever Jay asks what they did during these years. Jay asked how they found each other after the Merge, including him, and they avoided the question.

It scared him too, he didn’t want Jay to have to carry the burden of everything he had done, even though none of it was his fault, but he also didn’t want Jay – if his goodness was still shattered – to wonder what was happening inside of him. He was scared if Jay wondered why he had an anger inside that seemed to come from nowhere, why he felt urges to do things he didn’t do before, he was scared that Jay felt like a part of him was missing.

Although that part of Jay hurt the team and would burden Jay with guilt for something he didn’t even remember, Cole couldn’t sit by and watch Jay live unaware of that part of himself.

It may not have been who he truly was for the rest of his life, but it was him nonetheless, and Cole didn’t think they had the right to control whether he knew or not just because he happened to forget all about it.

Now, he hung to the side as the rest of the ninja trained, the silence stinging as he tried to think of a solution. Does he go against what the rest of the team wants and tell Jay everything, or wait it out?

He sighed, grabbing his weapon and joining Frak who practiced his quake power on his own. Hopefully the team would tell him soon.

--

More chaos ensued, they just defeated Thunderfang and immediately after found their lost friend, missing for years. They had just missed him at the Tournament of the Sources, inches away yet never got him back. But this time, they find him unconscious under a rock, apparently participating in the same battle they were just in.

His hair long, his face looked more tired than it had ever been, like he’d just been through the cursed realm and back.

Despite Lloyd’s constant attempts at keeping order, everyone’s panicked voices rang through the Monastery. Kai still held Jay, while before his head fell forward, cusped into Kai’s chest, this time, it hung backwards, only making him look less…alive. It bounced with the rush of their running, his hair fell straight down, one side stained with blood that ran from the slashes on his head and trailed through the creases on Kai’s hand.

“Guys! You’re...” Cole noticed their bright coloured Gis in the corner of his vision, but when he noticed someone limp in Kai’s arms, then the brown hair, the blue, and finally, the half alive look of his friend he hadn’t seen in so long, he stopped. Rushing towards them, the others didn’t stop on their way to the medbay. “Jay!”

He went from the sudden run to jogging beside the group, he didn’t have time to notice that Pixal was back or that Zane was much larger, he only looked at Jay. How he laid in Kai’s arms, motionless, letting the movements of Kai be the only thing that jolted his body from being completely still.

And the blood, why was there blood? What had happened and how was Jay here?

Had they found him without him? Maybe he had his memories again and that’s why he was somehow with the ninja. Cole frowned, both at the sight of his friend and the thought that he wasn’t there to see him for the first time again, the thought of him, along with all the others, seeing Jay after so long, rushing up to him, embracing him so so tight.

He wanted to wrap himself around Jay and let him do it back, no matter if his blood stained hands ruined his Gi, no matter if the hug felt vicious, the feeling of a shattered soul still boiling him alive.

But Cole would happily boil in that pool, let himself hurt if it just meant being with Jay again, he didn’t care if the hug was painful, not real like how they used to be, because at least, maybe, he could pretend they weren’t. He wanted so bad for Jay to be back, and here he was, and thousands of moments ran through his head – moments where he and Jay would feel normal again, even if the normalcy was a way for him to cope.

“Set him down.” Nya’s panicked voice rung through the room, and Kai did so immediately with as much gentleness as he possibly could, shielding his head from more damage, his friend from any more possible dangers.

Cole watched through the doorway, Zane right behind him, not able to fit into the small rooms of the monastery in his current form. While Zane seemed to be running countless calculations in his head from afar, scanning him, trying to participate; Cole just watched. He couldn’t do much of anything, he could hardly keep himself upright, hardly think, nor had he really registered that his best friend was back.

Jay is back.

He tried to drill that indisputable fact into his head, but he couldn’t truly believe it. So much time spent apart had somehow gotten Cole accustomed to Jay not…being there. While his life never felt complete, Jay not being a part of the team always felt…odd, now that Jay was back, it didn’t exactly feel complete. Maybe with so much time spent apart, it would take much more time to heal the hole that the split of the team left.

And when Jay woke up, maybe he’d be better, maybe he really never shattered his goodness and a miracle made its way to the team again. Things might just be okay, if he dreamed enough, prayed to the Source Dragons and First Spinjitzu Master alike.

Please, just be okay, then come back to us.

--

The next week was too quiet.

After what was the chaos of the week before, they had concluded that Jay was in a coma: no signs of waking up. Not as much as a jolt of his finger, a twitch of an eyebrow, a change in the rhythm of his breathing.

Looking at his slowly weakening frame on the medical room bed, he was nothing more than an empty vessel. Cole didn’t know if what was in there was the old Jay or the new twisted version, someone that wasn’t his Jay.

Cole, on the seventh day of Jay’s coma, sat beside him. The team at first had a routine of who would just sit with Jay, keep an eye out for any changes, and if there wasn’t, hope that he was at least aware a little and speak to him.

While awake, Jay in his goodness-shattered state would be completely against listening to the ninjas’ words, they assumed, they hoped he could hear him in that week. Maybe hearing how genuine and passionate some of them got, he’d start to believe, maybe even have him recall past events.

But he never did, if he did have some memory-restoring revelation then it wasn’t enough to drag him out of the coma. Eventually, the schedule they naturally fell into on the first few days faded out. While they still tried to accompany him for a lot of the time, it was hard for most of them to get out of their way and do so, even just after a few days.

Not that they didn’t want to, it was just hard. They couldn’t bare not seeing even just a sign that he would wake up, and not knowing how he’d react if he did wake up. He would be weak, no doubt, confused, maybe scared but also mixed in with all of these new parts about himself that no one knew how to handle.

And none of them had even seen him since the Tournament of the Sources: Jay, after that, left alone, how much more could he have changed? They did find him in the midst of a battle he wasn’t invited too, and according to Nya, he was trying to capture Ras, then as Lloyd recalled, he had also seen Jay in the First Land, popping in to get some artefact and just leave.

He was some mercenary or bounty hunter. While going rogue like now wasn’t like Jay, leaving, isolating himself was. Cole ran his hands through Jay’s hair, recalling the times his friend had a big shift in personality after the loss of someone, he either went all out, masking a TV-Show host personality to cope, or totally lost the grip he had on reality and go the opposite route.

This little career change felt like a mix of both, for a second, Cole wanted to laugh. He wanted to imagine that even though his goodness was shattered, his memories gone, Jay was still himself.

The team didn’t know much about “shattering goodness,” they decided to stick with a “turning evil” definition, “unleashing the bad you had buried inside”.

Cole hoped there was something more to it than that.

Just as he was feeling Jay’s hair, trying to picture that it was still the same as all those years ago, Geo knocked on the door, leaning against the doorframe, alerting his presence. It took him by surprise, but he didn’t really have the energy to jump.

“Hey…” Geo spoke softly, putting a hand on Cole’s shoulder. “You doing okay?” his shoulders softened at his light touch and voice, though it was firm, a rock in the place of any conversation, it also managed to soothe anyone around, Cole loved that about him.

He too wished he could be the rock, the foundation, but seeing how much damage had been done to Jay, the goodness, memories, and now a coma he couldn’t seem to wake up from, he truly felt scared.

“No. He’s- he’s not okay, Geo. He’s not showing any signs of waking.” The soft trailing of his hand through Jay’s hair transitioned into a way-too-tight-for-a-comatose-person grip onto his hand and a stiff voice spoke back to the softness of the other.

Geo looked down at Jay. Cole knew he was asking how he felt, but he ignored that part and immediately went to talking about Jay. It was obvious to anyone that the most worried people of the team were Nya, the Yang, Lloyd, the stressed Master, and Cole, the best friend.

Yet Cole didn’t dare to tell Geo just how scared, unstable the so-called foundation of the team was.

“And…are you alright?” he asked again when Cole diverted the question away from him, letting silence linger right after, he didn’t look at Geo, his mind still concentrated on the slight differences in Jay.

He had more notable eye bags, a tiredness that couldn’t be denied; less freckles and a little paler, all that time in the fluorescent lights of the Administration had dulled the details about him, no sun-rays blasted onto his face in the form of those deep, brown freckles.

“No…I’m so- uh- I’m so scared, Geo, I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared.”

“And they’re sure he has no signs of waking? Shouldn’t they…bring him to a doctor?”

“I’m sure he’ll wake up soon, he has to, Geo. But then- after that, he still has no memories, shattered goodness, or-or what if after that hit to the head, he’s lost even more of his memories? Like everything after the merge? H…He-he cant keep losing parts of himself like this. Or what if he had a chance, of regaining his memories before this, and now…because of how long it took us to find him, he’s gone and made it worse?” he rambled, Geo rushing to his side and rubbing his back, eventually jolting Cole out of it and embracing him.

Cole didn’t notice the tears in his eyes, but Geo did.

“A doctor can’t fix shattered goodness, they can’t bring his memories back. I’m more worried about that than anything else…we’ve all been hurt before, Geo. But…none of us have had this happen before, we don’t know how to fix a shattered soul.” His voice grew in pitch, struggling to keep stable. It hurt to force the shaking words out of his trembling voice, choking on his own tears.

Geo struggled to respond, when him and Cole first met and he learned he was a ninja, protector of Ninjago; he didn’t imagine troubles like this. Lost memories, missing ninja, shattered goodness, mental torture that he didn’t imagine would just come of some protectors. But they were happening, and he was witnessing just how much trouble came of Cole and the team.

He hugged Cole tighter. For once, he was crying, and he didn’t see that much.

“Cole, no matter what, goodness shattered or no memories, he’s your best friend. Just remember that, and I think you’ll both be okay.”

Chapter Text

Cole knew he had to talk to him, and he knew that if the rest of the team didn’t drop the truth soon, he would.

He would tell him no matter if it hurt the team or not, because they cannot keep lying to Jay, they can’t leave him out of this part of his life. He deserved to know what everyone else did, and although it might even hurt Jay, he wanted to know that he wasn’t the person to lie, he wanted to be the good friend he always said he was.

It had been four days since Jay woke up, and…he was seeing signs that he was different.

 And while he wished it could be related to his injuries, his coma, the fact a boulder hit him on the head; he knew those glares, the quietness followed by another nightmare that woke the Monastery was to do with what they were keeping from him.

His soul…just wasn’t the same, but it was still Jay, and he was there, and all Cole had to do was act the same as usual, but also not ignore the harrowing truth around them.

 It was a balance, the two sides on a scale, and he didn’t want to let any side tip too far – if it did, it would crumble, and shatter them even more.

 Balance: that’s all it is.

 That’s what he repeated to himself as he lingered by the door to the med-bay, a tremble, a shake in his limbs that reminded him even his own body couldn’t stay balanced.

 His thoughts couldn’t stop fighting, one second, he thought about Jay’s anger at the Tournament, how back then, all he was thinking was that this isn’t Jay, this is fake. The next, he’s thinking about his smile, his blushing cheeks anytime he looked at Nya.

His laughter that would never falter, even in the most terrifying situations.

 He just had to balance the two out. After all, shattering your goodness doesn’t “turn you evil”, it just brings out the darkness hidden inside, pronounces the things that only came to the surface once in a while.

Except now, those things were shooting in his face, screaming at him every moment. The parts of Jay that he loved and the parts of him that let them become best friends were hidden beneath those bad parts everyone always tried to ignore within themselves.

But, through it all, Jay is still there, there is just…more to him, but that more isn’t exactly the best. So, pushing his eyelids closed, he tried to ignore his battling mind and just…exist with his friend, because he needed someone there with him through these troubling times, even if he didn't know it.

 “Hey, Jay.” Without thinking, he opened the door.

And there he was, a smile thrust onto his face, while not very wide, not showing any teeth, not forming into a grin, the dull upturn of his mouth showed Cole everything. Jay couldn't be as happy as he always was to see him, he couldn't scream his name, ask to play some games, give him a punch to his side.

All he could manage was to shape his face into an expression that suggested he wanted to do those things, even though something mysterious deep inside held him back, didn't give him permission to do it. Jay was trapped under its control, drowning on dry land, as if the Merge had turned the body he inhabited into something unfit for his mind.

Cole just wanted to think that this was his Jay, it was his friend, his teammate, someone he could rely on, but his mind also refused. His heart wanted to believe that this was Jay, despite everything different about him, but it just couldn't. As he took a seat beside him, he felt like a stranger, someone else.

And this person on the bed was the aftermath of the Merge, a fragment of everything that happened to him, and his old self was left behind.

Still searching, still trying to find them.

His mind simply couldn't believe that Jay was in front of him. Maybe, it was all their time apart, and he struggled to comprehend that they really found him, and how sudden it all was didn't give him any processing time.

"Hey…how you holding up?" He had to believe, his mind knew this was Jay, every thought process led to Jay being there on that bed, but when his mouth opened, it threatened to introduce himself, start some small talk, act like a stranger to someone he'd known for most of his life.

Still, he knew he was the most determined to get through this, and even if every moment of it hurt, he wouldn't try to fight what Jay was. All he had to do was figure out who he was.

Jay pulled his good leg inwards towards his chest, until his frame looked smaller and his voice quieter. He still looked visibly weak, like the way he looked a tad skinnier than him before the merge, and the messed up, knotted hair that it seemed like he hadn't processed yet. "Yeah…I'm holding up."

A vague answer, a blunt answer. It was unusual - not how he would respond before the Merge. Cole leaned a little closer, trying to decipher his expressions and figure out what the emptiness of his face was working to hide. The list ran through his mind, he tried to tick off the boxes he filled; quiet, blunt, distant.

"Your leg feel alright?" he breathed, itching closer again, trying to feel closer to him and feel like he was here as a friend, and not an observer of a new specimen in the Monastery.

All he had to do was remember what Geo said - Goodness shattered or no memories, he's your best friend.

And he always would be, through their rough patches and every time they suffered a loss where their personalities shifted through the grief. When Zane sacrificed himself, they fell apart, Cole tried to act strong, he climbed the trees, got a job and secluded himself to ignore how he was barely hanging on through the days.

The cutting of the trees and feeling his muscles burn were the only way of convincing himself that he was still pushing forward, still able to climb his dying body to the next day and eventually take a peak of the horizon. It was like that when his Mother passed, he had to keep climbing, feel the burn, the pain, and remind himself that he was still able to feel something other than the grief.

At the same time, Jay had shifted himself into someone new too, he exaggerated his personality on the stage and carved that forced, painful smile for the crowd. Back then, seeing the crowd and everyone laughing around him might have reminded him of the team, and the role he always used to fulfil.

Through all his thoughts, Jay hadn't answered his question, his voice was left hanging in the air as he continued to stare down at his one leg pulled closer to himself.

It was that emptiness that Cole began to recognize, just like when Nya merged with the sea, he isolated himself and was driven down a spiral. He changed, he was different, but most of all, those eyes is what he recognized.

Eerily familiar, he saw how he stared off into something, trying to latch onto something that wasn't there. Like when Nya was gone and he'd spent those months in that lone lighthouse, he stared into the half-empty cups of water, trying to find a glimpse of Nya in them. He tried to believe that she wasn't gone, he painted the pictures, dripping with the water-color ink, but the face he painted could never be the same as when she was there.

Now, Jay stared into his hands, he was blank, drifting off into another world where it looked like he was desperately trying to find something he was missing.

His hands didn't feel like his, they were older, a few more scars dotted around that Jay didn't remember receiving. Hair; it dripped down to his shoulders, fell flat, not in the curls he used to have, and all he was wondering is how he could have became like this?

Those years were gone from his memory, but Jay wasn't particularly bothered that he suffered such memory loss - he had his friends, he still had them around to go on more adventures with. The thing that plagued his mind was that this person on the bed, breathing, trying to look around a room that seemed weirdly unfamiliar, was him.

Jay would have never wanted long hair, it would get in the way during missions, and he'd imagined it would be annoying on the hot days. He wouldn't have let it fall flat, his curls reduced to just a wave, like there's been years of neglect, years of making a new decision. Nya liked his curly hair, the reason he started to take care of it and let it grow out a little was because of her.

It's why he let his freckles bloom in the summer, she was the reason he felt happier.

So why did he wake up as someone completely different? Jay thought, trying to ignore the way Cole glared into his soul.

"Cole." he pushed out his deeper-than-usual voice, tried to hide the way his face flinched at the change and push away the guilt of not responding to him. "Could you cut my hair?"

He'd like to say he hated the way it clung to his neck and refused to stay where he wanted, but most of all, he hated that this wasn't a decision he would have made. Why would he have made that decision, what would have sprouted inside of him after the Merge that caused him to say 'hey, I should grow my hair out!'

And what had happened to cause the strange feeling in his chest whenever he tried to talk to his friends?

Their words felt forced, his own words felt difficult to get out, and every moment felt like a brutal reminder that he had forgotten years of his life, and something devastating had happened.

"Oh- uh" Cole tried to think of a response, should he accept, refuse, or just leave the question hanging in the air?

His mind rushed until Jay spoke up again, his voice firm. "Why would I even grow my hair out? I think it looks stupid." He tugged at the hair falling to his shoulders, looking into the split ends, the total unhealthy appearance of it and wondered what made it that way.

Cole shrugged, but stopped halfway through, unsure what answer would satisfy Jay, calculating which words could calm him or make him lash out. Every moment, it felt like he was trying to find the words right in the middle, a neutral response that wouldn't give everything away, but also not ignore the distressing truth.

"What did you say when I did this, ugh-" he scoffed, trying to imagine how he should react. His old self wouldn't have liked this hair, right?

Why does he consider him now as someone new? Jay felt like he was pretending to be himself: the years he forgot and the life he remembers both feel like drastic different versions of himself, and he was trying to figure out which one the ninja wanted to see.

"I-I don't know, I guess I just thought-" Cole hesitated. While Jay was now quickly giving glances to him, Cole had now retreated to staring down, ignoring the questions, the things that shot the truth into his brain.

"Does it suit me?"

Jay was blunt, he hated how rigid he spoke, how he didn't stammer on his words during his panic, or go down a tangent about whether Nya liked his new hair. Cole didn't have an answer, neither of them did.

Still, besides the way his mouth froze, capturing itself before it could say something he might regret, his neck dragged itself up to look at Jay, who glared into him. His brown eyes were a little duller, his mouth a tad bit further from a smile as it normally should be.

Everything he knew about Jay was just…off, and it were the small distinctions from the Jay he pictured in his head that left Cole, and the team, terrifyingly cautious. They couldn't say exactly what it was about his face that was petrifying, but it was there, shooting the truth into them - that he was all alone, and they'd abandoned him.

This silence didn't fit Jay, it wasn't like how he was when Nya merged with the sea - this time, it was cruel, sharp, it felt personal. This didn't suit him, even though this was him, and they couldn't force the change they needed, what they wanted.

"I-"

"Hey, you're awake." Geo appeared in the doorway, interrupting his response - a person unfamiliar to Jay, someone he assumed he'd just forgot, but really, he never met at all.

Jay perked up and Cole turned around, Geo leaned softly onto the doorframe with his arms crossed, he seemed completely calm about the situation, unlike the whole ninja team, where each word was a detailed calculation.

"Hey. Who are you, sorry?" Jay grabbed at his head that persistently had a dull ache that only grew worse with the sliding of that door.

As he made his way inside, and Cole gave him a look that advised to be careful around him, Geo's frame immediately faltered, it grew smaller, less confident in what he was about to say. He had told Cole, as he sat by his friend's side for most of the day, that when he woke up, all he had to remember was that they are best friends, and always would be.

Cole was the rock of the ninja team, and he was the rock of the founders, he established them in their troubling moments, he was always there when they were in danger. Yet, Geo had seen a side of him that he couldn't quite decipher, Cole was…unsure, and that was pretty unusual for him.

He had always been so sure in his words, he spoke with certainty, pride and a strength that didn't just show that he was strong, it also showed that he could be vulnerable. Yet now, he sounded so unsure with what to do, barely able to read what his friend would do next, and it didn't look like that advice worked as well as he wanted it to.

Besides all that uncertainty circling around Cole, Geo gave him a look, nodded, and took a deep breath. He trusted Cole's judgment, but he also knew that he had to be an example; to show him, the team, that they should continue marching forward strong. "Name's Geo, I'm here with the finders…hmm, they should be around here somewh-"

Meanwhile, Cole's mind, while still trying to hold onto the idea that he was remaining strong, was crumbling. He had no idea how to act, that balance he tried to sustain was shifting from one side to another too quickly to grab a hold of and keep it steady One second, it felt like everything was the same, Jay was just injured and he was catching up with an old friend, Jay's friendly response would come after the other's.

But each time he blinked, every time he felt himself too comfortable in that false truth, he was dragged to the other side, where all he could imagine was that Jay at the Tournament; cruel, destructive, not his Jay.

"Hey Geo, whatcha doing?" Fritz appeared and jumped onto Geo, hyper, just like the other kid rushing around, trying to slither his way into the room.

"Is he awake now? Let's introduce ourselvesss, come on!" Spitz noticed, laughing as he quickly rushed to the bed, where Jay sat cautiously, and Cole noticed the way his body flinched away from the two of them.

Okay, just stay calm, keep your emotions steady.

Cole tried to hold the kids off while also not trying to look too cautious, as if the kids presence would finally make the timer reach zero, and everything inside of Jay would start crumbling.

If it wasn't already…

Because each word they said, all the mentions of an introduction or memory loss all gave it away. Even though, through every worry and doubt of himself and the team, Cole knew he would tell Jay the truth, he still worried.

He guessed he just wanted to hold onto this version of Jay a little longer, because at least when the kids stormed around him, there was a smile on his face. It was small, plagued with what had happened to him deep down, but it was genuine, and for some split moments, it looked like his Jay, his friend.

"Hey, where's Bonzle?"he asked, while Jay remained watching the two talk.

They were comfortable with each-other, something that ran just as deep, or deeper than their bond as a team.

"Here I am," she appeared behind Geo, now, the room a little more crowded, crawling around Jay, making this unfamiliarity much more known. "Hey, you're up…" Quickly, she stared into Jay, then almost immediately, looked to the ground, avoiding his tired, gloomy face.

"We know we visited last week, but we thought we'd visit again, since you're staying here to look over Jay." Geo smiled, making his way over to Cole, who grabbed his hand, their fingers intertwined, the group in that room feeling so intertwined in a way that Jay couldn't put his finger on.

Cole, who glided out of Geo's hands and rushed to his, coughed away the silence and turned to the group. "Jay, let me introduce you; these are the finders, I woke up in the Land of lost things after the Merge, they took me in, and I stayed with them for a while."

"This is Geo, there's Bonzle, and these two kids jumping around are Fritz and Spitz."

As he pointed to each member, each introducing themselves with a silent wave, like they could see the look on Cole's face or the shake of his voice, he continued to remain careful. Though, he knew what he was saying may not be up to the teams' standards of "keeping the truth from him.", he knew it might leave Jay questioning.

But he was prepared for whatever might happen when Jay finds out. He was prepared to get through this with his best friend.

"We're a family all together!" Fritz appeared at the side of the bed, clutching the edge and using it to jump up and down, almost tipping over onto Jay.

He laughed because he wanted to still keep this relationship with the Finders, he wanted things to stay the same as they are with his new friends, and also one day, hopefully, go back to how it was with Jay before the Merge. But when Fritz spoke, when Spitz and Bonzle laughed and Cole, for some small moments, forgot about Jay, he realized that it might never be the same.

"I guess things have changed a lot, I wish…I was there to see it." Suddenly, Jay spoke, it was a whisper and Cole barely caught it, but he knew that was because his words weren't meant to be heard. Now, Jay felt the differences, he felt how quickly everything in his life had become unbalanced, and Cole couldn't speak at all.

Geo still stood stationary behind him, with one hand on his shoulder since he'd rushed out of his touch and went to Jay's, trying to latch onto the past for as long as he could, before the tower crumbled.

He grabbed Jay's hand again, Geo's firm touch letting him stay stable, keeping his composure steady so Jay didn't see through him. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll remember…one day."

"Yeah…" he glared at Cole, his arms crossed. "I guess."

Chapter Text

Jay didn’t ponder the troubling thoughts he had, how strange everyone was acting.

It had been five days sine he woke up in this strange, new world, where his friends had aged a few years without him. And while everyone told him he had forgotten about those few years, it never really felt like he was there at all.

 But he pushed them aside again, however, nothing could stop his mind from rushing with a million thoughts, being told something called “the Merge” occurred, and the last thing he remembers is from years ago.

 And Master Wu is dead, Lloyd is the Master of the Monastery, and there is a whole world out there that he hasn’t explored; or in other words, he had explored it, but those memories slipped from his mind.

 Everyone has had years to change, to adjust into this new world, find a place in its current, but he didn’t have that. He was thrown in the deep end, forced to navigate this mystery that even his friends seemed to be hiding from him.

 That even Nya was hiding from him.

 Though, that didn’t cross his mind as much as he wished it did, he wanted to be worried for her, to force himself to crawl out of bed, despite his injuries, and ask her if she’s okay. He suspected that she was just beyond worried about him, and somehow, that molded itself into avoiding him.

 He wished he could crawl out of bed and tell her that he’ll be okay, the injuries aren’t that bad.

 The isolation continued, and while everyone would come in every hour or so, it didn’t feel right, he knew they would have done more in the past, they were supposed to do more. At least Nya should be there keeping him company, but weirdly, Kai visited the most.

 Kai forced his company onto him, and while he was grateful, in a way, the vast difference between the normal way he acted and the strange ways the others did only furthered his worries. Kai popping in whenever he wanted while Jay stayed restricted to a bed that he really didn’t think he needed anymore also confused him more.

 That day, most of all, Kai was keeping him company more than he ever had, like something had shifted in him. But, Nya was coming in less, while the past five days had been frequent, short, silent visits from her, she’d only visited once that day. She said it was just to avoid the chaos that was Kai and his new student, Wyldfyre, being in the same room. Nya called it a disaster waiting to happen, too much nervousness in her voice for it to be a light-hearted joke.

 Jay gulped as she rushed inside, grabbing the edge of the bed, his head throbbing at her high-pitched voice, still trying to collect himself after waking up.

 He had the rolling TV in there, some games and comics, but the main thing he wanted to do was sleep, but it never came as full as he wished it would.

 His head still throbbed, and his leg was undeniably still broken (a few more weeks would do), so sleeping through his time in the dreadful med-bay was his best option. Though, he tried to compose his mind rotting with boredom, wanting his mind to be present when company was around.

 “Sorry, uh…what’s your name again?” he asked, his body shaking at the exertion of sitting up.

 “I’m Wyldfyre, oh, Jay! How could you not know my name? We’re like…the best of friends. We always play video games together, out of all the ninja, you’re like…my third favourite!” she spoke quickly, each sentence felt rehearsed to sound as crazy as possible but also completely spontaneous, her sentences just all of her thoughts piled into one.

 Jay laughed, he wished he remembered her these past few years.

 He hated how he forgot everything about this sudden new change in the world, he knew the moment he would look outside, see the new people joined together, somehow, he’d feel more alone than ever.

 But he was happy to see this new team filled with new people, more friendships blossoming.

 And while something was undeniably off, he couldn't confirm anything from the confines of the bed.

 “What?! Third favourite?” he yelled, his arm swinging in protest, “Who beats me? Kai?”

 Kai laughed as Wyldfyre hung from his back. She had the energy of a toddler, the voice of a dragon, the scars on her face even more of a clue at how rough and wild the girl was. He didn’t seem to care how crazy she was, they really seemed to match.

 Maybe a lot more than Kai did with the others. Jay felt himself become more shy to speak, fragments of the change he had forgotten slipping through.

 “I’m her favourite, obviously. We have basically the same element.” Kai got the girl off his back by swinging his body side to side. The pair looked more like a sibling duo, the older of the two letting her get away with too many things. Though, compared to Wyldfyre, Kai seemed mature.

 “No! Not the same element, I’m heat, remember what Rontu told me?” she scoffed, summoning a flame in her hands to which Jay gasped. His mouth continued to hang as he pushed himself closer, admiring the flame. It looked a little different to Kai’s, while his flames were mostly red and orange, hers had blues, some purple seeping through at the very bottom.

 Wyldfyre noticed, her smile growing brighter before she imitated blowing the fire from her hands and shoving her face close to Kai’s again. “And heat is like way better than fire.”

 “They’re basically the same!”

 “Well…yeah, but you’re not even half-dragon…like me! Can you even speak dragon?” their conversation quickly turned to bickering, it felt very natural, but not actually hostile at all. Jay was watching, he felt his concentration slipping but it slapped back in when Wyldfyre mentioned being “half dragon.”

 He piped up, “Part dragon? Huh, like Lloyd, is he your second favourite?” While Jay was still feeling a little loopy, he knew that saying such a thing would drive the girl even crazier, it did, and he was happy to see it. As he expected, as soon as he spoke up, she tensed up, grabbing Kai by the shoulders, shaking him aggressively.

 “What? Part Dragon? Lloyd is part dragon? Why didn’t you tell me, did you know this?!” Kai froze up in her strong grip, Jay tried to figure out how old she was, she was humorously short for her large personality, and with that, looked very young too; perhaps, a little older than when the four of them first met. “I-I gotta go.” She let go, rushing out the room, the door that was shut blasting open and banging against the wall outside, he felt the bang reverberate throughout the Monastery.

 As much as Jay ever started to enjoy himself, something unpleasant would come shooting right back. He had previously scooted himself forward on the bed, no longer leaning on anything, and as soon as the room returned to silence, it gave him the time to notice his own laboured breathing, the way he unconsciously groaned at the act of using his own strength to keep himself up.

 Kai noticed and rushed to the side, pulling him back gently, he propped the bed further up this time and positioned the pillows carefully. For once, he was very gentle with him, very cautious, and he still had no recollection of what happened to get him so injured.

 “Y’know, Wyldfyre’s not even half-dragon. She was just raised by dragons, she isn’t from Ninjago, she grew up in a realm called the Wyldness.” He laughed gently, taking a seat next to Jay who didn’t pay attention much. Suddenly, the pain was shooting through him and he gripped at his leg and head, his face contorted in pain.

“Hey? You okay?” he suddenly noticed, his voice going low as he put a hand on his back, rubbing it slowly.

Jay tried to stay as still as possible, afraid of any sudden movements. While he wasn’t pleased to have forgotten the last several years of his life, he was quite grateful that he didn’t remember the pain of getting such injuries. He really wondered what he had gotten himself into, and how only him out of anyone had met his unfortunate fate.

 “Yeah, yeah, I-“ he groaned, his throat squeezing trying to respond to Kai before giving up, now only wanting to let out weak groans to stop the pain. It mostly penetrated from his leg, sharp, a straight line from his foot to knee that struck at him every time he moved, or at every moment of joy he could grab.

 “Do you want me to get someone? Is it really bad?” Kai spoke close to his face, the softness and utter concern that made Jay feel so fragile, like a china plate threatening to be dropped, was what made Jay pull himself out of the pain a little.

 He didn’t know why it bothered him so much, but it did, and he felt strange for wanting to say something about it.

 Why should he care that his friend is worried, trying to care for him? Jay knew he would do the same for anyone else, wouldn’t he?

 “Kai.” He suddenly spoke, his voice firm and sharp, causing Kai to come to a quick stop. He didn’t like the sound of his own voice, it felt cruel, it sounded a few octaves deeper.

 Like he had grown up, and he himself hadn’t been there to see it.

 “Why…are you all being so…?” he didn’t finish his sentence, he didn’t know what he wanted to say, all he knew is that for some reason, his soul didn’t like what Kai was doing. But he knew he shouldn’t care what he was doing, really, he should like it. So why was it that when Kai put his hands on him, laughed gently, not sounding like a true, hysteric laugh, he found it…wrong?

 But it was normal, wasn’t it? The realms were merged, the team was still together, he had grown a few years but he was still the same Jay.

 Right? I am the same, aren’t I? he questioned himself, turning his head from Kai.

 Something about his very being felt different. Yes, people grow all the time, their interests change, their personalities and friendships shift ever so slightly. But for an unknown reason, when Jay looked at the world around him, just in the confines of a boxed-in medbay, he felt something so deeply different.

 Perhaps it was that he hadn’t left the room yet, he still wanted to see the outside, he really did. Except, he was scared at the thought of the realms being merged, new worlds unknown to him now appearing in the horizon, just a view from the Monastery steps where him and Nya had sat.

 “What do you mean?” he stopped, and after a few seconds of his hand just placed on his back, it dropped, returning to his knees.

 “I-“ his voice tripped over himself, he didn’t know what he was doing, what he was thinking. Why did he feel angry? It felt like it came from nowhere. But as Kai’s hands fell from his back, he felt it slipping away.”I- I don’t know, I’m sorry. I feel like-“

 He wanted so much to pull his legs into his chest and let his body fall forward into it, to hide from this new overwhelming world that he wanted to see so bad. He needed to hide his face from the faces of his friends that frustrated him, but the only faces they gave were that of concern.

 A strange urge settled inside him, he had only woken up yesterday, but he felt…trapped, like his body was desperate to get out of the bed, to recover too quick for his own good and to discover what he had forgotten. Something wanted to escape, and it changed from anger, curiosity and desperation so quickly, running between all three in a loop.

 Jay wanted to escape, but from what? He didn’t feel like he belonged in that room, confined to a space. The feeling of being trapped felt strangely familiar.

 “Do…you wanna go see outside?” Kai whispered, looking behind him, he knew he shouldn’t be taking Jay out of the room, but he saw the look on Jay’s face, a face he imagined Jay felt all too much during his years alone after the merge.

 The sense of feeling trapped was a lot more than just wanting to get out of that small med-bay. He looked up, his eyes wide, his mouth hanging, he looked in Kai’s direction, but not right at him, more so to give the appearance that he was, but really, all that filled his mind were the thoughts of seeing the outside, the new world, the one he’d forgotten. He wanted so much to see what the others remembered and what he wasn’t included in.

 He felt that maybe, when he saw outside, he could feel like himself again.

 —

“It must be hard to have forgotten, but…I’m glad you’re okay. We were all so worried. You’ll be back to normal in no time, back on your feet.” Kai whispered, as Jay tried hiding the groans as he shuffled in Kai’s arms. He knew Jay was embarrassed and annoyed at his injuries, and tried reassuring him that he was close to recovery.

 Carrying Jay through the monastery, he avoided any floorboard that would creek and alert their presence to everyone. He helped him through, resting on his shoulder, using one leg to jump along. Kai made sure he wouldn’t make too much noise, though.

 Jay didn’t respond, only looked at the ground, not paying attention to any of the differences around the Monastery, if he had even noticed them.

 “The merge was hard, but now…I think I’m glad it happened. It brought us together, in ways, grew the team, and now we can protect even more people.” Jay decided to listen, he wanted to try to catch a glimpse of anything he remembered, but nothing ever came. He grew smaller, but Kai continued whispering stories of the merge on their slow journey to the outside.

 The halls of the Monastery were quiet, for once, Cole and Geo, along with Zane and Pixal, had made their way to the crossroads with the finders, introducing the kids to the multitude of cuisines from different realms. Nya was alone in her room, probably worrying herself to death, and finally, Kai imagined Wyldfyre and Riyu to be either dead or asleep, considering they weren’t making any noises.

 He was glad to give Jay some peace in the quietness, just existing besides each other in the silence, he only hoped that Lloyd wouldn’t see him bringing him out here. Kai just had to hope he was meditating.

 “And the world…I think it looks amazing. You have to see the sky, Jay, the colours, the new moons and planets you can just see from your doorstep!”

 Jay hummed, he was so excited but didn’t have enough energy to express it.

 “I think you’ll love it. When you’re better, we’d love to show you around, and you can experience this all again.” He gripped Jay tighter as they got closer to the door. “That’s a pro of losing your memories, right? You get to see it all over again.”

 Although Jay was angry at the statement at first, it quickly followed with confusion and then a silent nod as he tried prying the oxygen from the air to allow him to speak. Somehow, Kai’s words were working, he seemed to have become wiser in the years he’d forgotten. He found himself understanding what Kai meant, and just as he saw the particles of the setting sun on the wooden floors as they neared the door, he nodded again, with a smile this time. “Yeah. Maybe.”

 And the colours gracefully flew into his eyesight as they stepped outside. It wasn’t harsh, the world he looked up to didn’t seem cruel. Then, he looked up, pulling away from Kai and stumbling a few feet away, down the steps before falling to the floor.

 But Jay didn’t care how much it hurt, he didn’t make a noise expressing anything besides awe. His head bent high to look at the sky, and he saw it - the new moon and a new planet even bigger than the moon he had known all his life.

 It felt free, from the weak, frail spot on the rock floor, he felt like he was looking at what would be the freedom he was sure he didn’t need when with his friends. But, even so, he didn’t care for the Monastery behind him, he looked up at the sky in silence, Kai behind him, letting him bask in how beautiful and free and new he thought it was.

 Even though he had lost his memories of everything after the merge, Jay was still convinced that this was the first time he was seeing this, seeing the world. It felt like he had been locked up in those years he had forgotten, and he was finally looking at what he had always wanted to.

 “You wanna go look from the stairs? I think it looks even cooler out there.”

 He didn’t turn back to say yes, just nodded as he continued admiring the brand-new world around him, it really did feel like his eyes were seeing this for the first time, his brain only just comprehending the merge. He was starting to feel like he’d never looked up to the world around him after the merge and appreciated it.

 This time, Kai carried him, seeing just how amazed he was looking at the view from the Monastery, but this time, with all the realms merged. Each landscape and culture blurred into one, and it felt so special to Jay, and so special for Kai to see him look happy.

 Something other than who he became after the Merge.

 He placed him down, sitting next to him on the steps and letting Jay’s injured leg rest on top of his. It was an awkward position, all of this was awkward, his injuries, his lost memories and the question of whether his goodness was still shattered; but Kai didn’t care for that. The most important thing for him was connecting with Jay again after so much lost time – without Jay knowing that was the case.

 Kai saw him staring right at the red coloured object in the sky, he didn’t think anyone knew exactly what it was yet, a moon, a planet?

 But he liked that he was curious along with Jay. He wasn’t completely alone in his admiration and wonder of the new Merged realms.

 “We don’t even know what that is.” Kai pointed to the object, the red colour of it was satisfying to look at, Jay was feeling the same. “The Merged realms is still a big mystery, actually. We don’t know…well- why it happened, and we still don’t know the names of all the realms.”

 “Oh?” Jay turned to the side for a moment, before returning back to scouting the new world below and above him, the new environment all around him. “What new realms have we seen?

 Kai pondered, thinking back to what he could tell Jay. He knew he needed to know the truth eventually, but for now, he wanted to let this calm moment stay. Nothing about the new realms would reveal what happened to him in those years, so he continued.

 “There’s…the Wyldness, that’s where Wyldfyre grew up. Imperium, that’s where- uh, that’s where we defeated the Empress Beatrix!”

 Jay smiled, he knew he didn’t remember this, he didn’t remember being there, had never heard of this Realm, but he was too basked in the world. Kai’s descriptions of new places to explore only made him excited to see it all.

 “We’ve got…” Kai tutted, counting on his fingers, “The Land of Monsters- Oh, and… uh, Mysterium! That place has all sorts of magic, wizards, sorcerers, it’s weird.”

 “And there’s all sorts of new places in those realms, the Mother Garden, World Forest, and…Jay, there’s so much, and still so much we haven’t seen.” He waved his arms in the air then pulled Jay closer to him. He wanted Jay to look at him, to see how excited he was to explore the Merged Lands together, all of the team experiencing something new, not just him.

 He could tell he was excited for it, but as he continued to look around the large span of the world around the Monastery, the clouds forming an array of deep colours that Jay felt drawn to that were now normal for the rest of the world, he let him stay. The two returned to silence.

 But Jay suddenly spoke, his voice was so quiet, an exhausting sound piling in his throat, but it felt passionate, either way, “I can’t wait to get out of here and see it all.”

Chapter Text

Nya couldn’t take it anymore, despite everyone being conflicted on what to do, everyone else still managed to look Jay in the eye. And even though she knew she still loved Jay, because she’d said herself that she would always love him, desperate on the bottom of those steps at the Tournament, she couldn’t bring herself to act normal around him.

 But things were normal, she would keep telling herself that. The only way she could hope to act the same around him was to pretend that he was the same as before, the back of her mind told her that it wasn’t, and it hasn’t been normal for a long time, but she ignored it.

 Because, if that was what she chose to believe, then she wouldn’t know how she was supposed to act. So, for now, she pretended that this was normal, that he hasn’t changed at all and every look of anger bursting through his seams wasn’t there.

 Cole had asked if she wanted to join them at the Crossroads, but again, she refused; since the Tournament, she couldn’t handle going anywhere, having some ounce of fun when Jay wasn’t there.

 And while before she knew what had happened to him, she didn’t deny that things were different, she knew Jay was still missing, she believed it was just a matter of finding him. Back then, if she pretended things were normal, it would be saying that Jay not being there was expected, now. But now, if she admitted to herself that he was different, it would be saying that, even though he’s here, there is still something wrong, still more to do until he’s back.

 It was a mixed bag of emotions and a battle of justification in her head, so for now, this was normal, and she would deny the differences he presented. Though, often, the only way to avoid them was to avoid him, and that, clearly, felt different too.

 She couldn’t run from this, but she just had to keep trying. If she stayed still, the truth would strike her in the back, quickly, while she does nothing about it. Though, if she kept running, it would still gain on her, but she would delay it, let her- no, let him feel normal for longer.

 When she looked at a picture, alone in her room, she tried to pull out every similarity between the two people. Because today was a normal day, and nothing was out of the ordinary, she’d heard Kai walk past her room, talking, and she hated that she couldn’t detect whether the other footsteps were Jay’s or not.

 She used to be able to do that, could tell when he was behind by what floor-board creaked, how quickly he walked, how heavy they felt, now, nothing about those footsteps felt familiar.

 Kai was talking, though they came out as mumbles into her room, no hints of the other person falling through, though, Nya knew that Jay wasn’t supposed to be out of the Medbay.

 Pausing, holding her breath, she tried to listen.

 “It must be hard to have forgotten, but…I’m glad you’re okay. We were all so worried. You’ll be back to normal in no time.”

 Jay’s smile was wide, his freckles more prominent in the old photo, if she hadn’t spent her days after the Merge cradling the photo like it was her lifeline, it would be dirty, aged with abandonment, but it still looked new. It was like the wrinkles around Jay’s smiling eyes were right there, in front of her, like she could reach them, but she couldn’t, it was a photo, a capture of a time that had passed by her too quickly.

 She couldn’t understand how Kai was so confident he’d be back to normal so soon, maybe he could never, but she pushed that aside and tried to pretend he was already normal. Kai had hope, he had faith, she somehow…she couldn’t, so all she had to rely on was begging that he was still normal, that nothing had changed.

 And this loneliness she felt, the fear in her heart was something else other than a crippling fear of someone she loves.

 “The merge was hard, but now…” the words cut off as they walked further away, out of earshot, but she slid open the door slightly, trying to not be spotted, trying to decipher what they were talking about. And if Kai noticed how she hesitantly peaked out of her room at Jay, then she’d be reminded of just how not normal this is.

 “I think I’m glad it happened…” she caught, just before they turned the corner, and Jay remained silent, he didn’t crack a joke, he didn’t do anything she would have expected of him if none of this had happened.

 The words Kai said pierced through her, ”I think I’m glad it happened.”

 Nya felt that she adjusted to the Merge quickly, besides the clear absence of Jay, she felt content with where her life was, and never felt herself wishing it never happened, she just wished that it hadn’t coincidentally split her and Jay apart.

 But, somehow, hearing Kai say those words, that he was glad it happened, drove her into a million thoughts. She couldn’t catch the last part, but all she could decipher from that comment was that he didn’t care that all of this happened.

 While she doesn’t exactly wish the merge didn’t happen, she sure wasn’t grateful for it. Sure, it introduced new members to the team, Arin, Sora, Wyldfyre, Riyu, and she loved those new members like family, and she knew that much of the team have had great, positive influences on their lives only because the merge happened.

 But despite how happy she was, she knew that if she had a chance to change it to how it was before, she wouldn’t hesitate.

 She would lose people close to her, Sora, Wyldfyre, all the people that have helped her, people from realms once impossible to reach.

 But it would be stable, and it wouldn’t be different, she would know their futures held, and a lingering merge event wouldn’t drive them apart.

 She leaned on the wall, clenching her fists, trying not to let the wood floor creak below her when she tried to steady her body, stumbling with confused emotions. Kai, who carried a weak, strange, different Jay, said that he was glad that this happened.

 Somehow content that Jay’s goodness was shattered, a fragment of his friend left behind in a world that didn’t exist anymore. Not bothered by the fact that Jay, simply, might just be gone, and this person here was someone else.

 Her clenched fists released to wipe the tears away, but she stopped before she did, since Jay couldn’t be there to clean them up or encourage her to let them flow.

 So, she stayed there in her mixed-up world, not letting them fall or let herself sob like she wanted to, and not getting rid of them completely. All she did was hold them in as best as she could as she made her way to where Jay was headed, because in the post-merged world, she couldn’t make up her mind on anything.

—

“Kai-“ she called, her hand hanging in the air as her brain stopped her from speaking too loudly. She had followed the two, hanging at the door as they had a conversation, about the Merge, about everything he wants to explore again, what he believes he simply just forgot.

 Then, they rested in the silence, looking up quietly, just…existing, and Kai didn’t seem to mind how quiet Jay was.

 He knew it was different, it was evident on a small sympathetic look on his face when he wasn’t looking, but it wasn’t a look of pity, it wasn’t a look that showed that he wished Jay was different.

 His raised eyebrows and deep frown when Jay stayed fixated on the sky, the view from the steps of the monastery, was because he knew that whatever Jay believed was the truth right now, wasn’t.

 And it was hurting him, but mostly, it was frustrating. He wished everyone else would just tell him, and while Kai didn’t know how he would do that himself, he wished there was an easy way to tell him what happened.

 The truth would hurt, but it was better than lying to him, and Kai knew that lying was exactly what they were doing. The others had told him he was there for those years, acted like they were stepping on a mine-field around him. On the other hand, he knew why they were doing it, because of how he really was unpredictable, he hadn’t done anything wrong, per se, but there was something different about him.

 But it was still undeniably Jay.

 He turned around, just as he got up, ready to ask Jay if he’d like to come, Nya was right before his eyes. “Kai- I- Can I…Can I talk to him?” her voice shook small and soft.

 He didn’t say anything back, only a look back to Jay until Nya, not as hesitantly as usual, sat down besides him.

 And while the area was quiet, no one around besides them, a gentle breeze brushing through their hair, and a glow of warm colours, it was interrupted by someone unexpected.

 They didn’t have time to just linger in the calming silence before Jay’s shaking, questioning voice rung through the air. His tone was quick, almost assertive, Nya had jumped when he sounded like he needed the answer quick.

 “Are you mad at me?”

 It flew around her ears for a few seconds, as she had took her place next to him, not close enough for their shoulders to touch, but close enough that she’d be able to stretch to his hand. She continued looking down, while he looked up, still watching, still admiring, like he wanted to get out of there, fly away and leave all of this behind, leave her behind.

 Nya didn’t know if what she was feeling was anger, she was mad at something, or at someone, or maybe just being mad at everything had festered into a big clump of nothing.

 “I-I don’t know, Jay- no-“ She answered, stuttering, her shoulders hunching up. “No- why would I be mad…at you?” She finished, she was angry at what had happened to him, but the question of if she’s mad at Jay for leaving her behind, changing into someone she didn’t recognise, forgetting everything about her, was still unanswered.

 Jay breathed deeply, before looking down at his knees, still in his pyjamas, his hair falling to his shoulders, he could see the way it didn’t curl as much as before, see how it had changed and how he didn’t remember it changing. “Because I lost my memory.” He hunched over, trying to ignore how his hair felt too heavy on his head or how his body didn’t fit him anymore.

 Ignore it, ignore it. It was what he’d been repeating to himself the past few days, but every moment reminded him of something that had changed.

 Lloyd; he was quieter, more mature, slight eyebags that he thought other people wouldn’t notice.

 Wu is dead, and he didn’t have a chance to say goodbye, or he forgot about it, and that disgusted him entirely.

 Cole; he didn’t come around as much, but he sounded strangely happier. He’d heard mentions of a new family, a boyfriend and some kids they look after.

 Kai; his hairstyle looked a little different, less gel, more natural, more maturity in him, and a lone grey hair poking out from what he thought was stress.

 Pixal; it didn’t seem like she changed at all.

 Zane; he spoke slower, duller, and with less emotion, like he’d been without something he needed for a long time.

 Nya, her hair longer, her eyes duller, her smile smaller, like she’d been missing something too.

 Every single moment his eyes were open showed him how something was painfully different. “I’m sorry for forgetting.” He gripped his pants, scrunching them up until it felt like they could break his bones. “About all these years, and everything we did together.”

 Nya turned to him, and it felt like they were moments away from some eye contact they hadn’t had since Jay’s red, shattered eyes glared at her at the Tournament. Though, Jay didn’t remember that, he didn’t know that just those months ago, he was sure he wouldn’t be with the team.

 All Jay remembered was one day, he would admire her and she would admire him, staring into each other’s eyes when they’d give each other a rose or just shared a silent, casual moment. The next moment, he was in a future where Nya could barely look in his direction, and all he could catch a glimpse of was her fear.

 She sighed, “No, Jay, it’s okay, you…don’t have to remember, you know I’ll…still love you.” She grabbed his hand when she got closer, but he didn’t grip back, his hands still shook from the force of gripping his pants.

 It felt compassionate, it felt selfless for her to say that he doesn’t need to remember, it was letting Jay know that he didn’t have to worry about it.

 Though, it wasn’t exactly what Nya was thinking when she spoke her words, to her, accepting that he wouldn’t remember is the only way for her to restore what she had lost.

 A world where Jay remembered those years, where he was still that person he was after the Merge, in a way, felt like a reality where things could never be the same again. She couldn’t handle change, she wouldn’t be able to handle Jay knowing everything he’d done.

 She got lucky, she didn’t have to guide him through the guilt, all she had to do was not let him find out what he did, because she knew it would drive him to pieces.

 Selfish. Some people would call it that, because she was terrified at the thought of having to shape a new Jay into the one from before, un-shatter his goodness, restore his memories. She loved Jay more than anything, so she didn’t want Jay to deal with that.

 So, it was selfless. what her and the team are doing is for Jay.

 They’re protecting him.

 It was selfless, they fought through their guilt of lying to him because it was the only way to stop him from driving himself to that person he was again. They knew that if he saw himself as who he was after the merge, he’d be disgusted at who he was working under Ras.

 They knew that Jay wouldn’t want to see it.

 Jay didn’t want this, so he didn’t have to know.

 And everything she was doing was for him.

 “But-“ he tried to look her way, but his eyes refused, he hated how his body didn’t do what he wanted it to do. It couldn’t grip her hand back, it could only grip his clothes when an anger took over. “But I’ve forgotten about everything we did together, I don’t remember the new teammates, Nya I- I woke up a few days ago and years have passed, I-I cant handle that.”

 He didn’t say how he couldn’t handle seeing how different everyone was, but Nya sighed and tried to push closer, she tried wrapping her arm around his shoulder like she did before the Merge.

 But nothing she did ever felt the same, not with what she knew and Jay didn’t.

 “Jay, please, you- you don’t have to remember if its too hard.” Her voice shook with determination, pleading for Jay but trying to mask it as giving up her own wishes for his.

 Please, don’t remember.

 Jay wanted to remember, he didn’t want to forget years of his life, and he wanted to know what happened between the sad, reduced version of Nya compared to the old one.

 And how, if he was a part of those years, how he could have stood by and watched the team change in all these ways. He wouldn’t ever sit by and watch Nya sound so lonely, so empty.

 But even though that’s what he told himself, for some reason, as her voice trembled and her back heaved with difficult breaths, he couldn’t grip her hand, he couldn’t even say anything to address it.

 His mouth remained straight, but it never leaned towards a smile, it was closer to a frown as Nya tried not to burst into tears leaning on his side. He barely had the brainpower to think about why she would be doing this, especially after telling him that he doesn’t have to remember, with her voice heaving and huffing.

 All he wanted was to look up, he just wanted to see the sky, get out of there and see what he had forgotten about. But he couldn’t even do that, he stared at the steps, trailing so far down he couldn’t even see the bottom, clouds below and above him, and his bandaged leg that didn’t let him get out of there.

 Or he just wanted answers.

 He wanted answers about the Merge, about himself or the battle that had left him comatose with severe memory-loss that weren’t just vague summaries.

 “Nya, Zane said that…” he tried to project his voice, to sound assertive, it felt like what he needed to do to get what he wanted. So, he pulled away from Nya, dug his nails into his palms with clenched fists and tried to not let the anger fester too much. “The Merge left us all separated across the Merged lands, and it took us years to reunite again.”

 A statement; he didn’t want it to sound like a question in fear of her denying it.

 “So…when did we reunite, Nya?”

 When Zane explained the Merge, his words indicated that clearly, they were separated for a while, including him. Paired with him saying that now, we’re all together, was something he couldn’t brush by.

 After pausing for a moment, it dragging on until Jay felt himself get angry, she answered with a jump in her voice. “We found Pixal last, fairly…recently, actually.”

 Immediately, he could hear the uncertainty in her voice, the way she couldn’t decide whether she wanted to lean closer to him or run away from the question, from him.

 “No, Nya, when did I come back?” he pronounced his words harder, angrier, sharper, his hand pulling at the collar of his pyjamas, he tried not to pull at his hair that fell in front of his face.

 She was pulling back, not running, just inching away from him as her heart rushed, blasting itself to each corner of her body. Her ears grew muffled; she couldn’t hear Jay’s begging words as clearly; she couldn’t make out his shaking frame in the blurriness.

 “Way before that, Jay, sorry-“ She wasn’t telling a lie; she just wasn’t saying everything that came with the truth.

 “So…we were still together for all that time, right?” Jay asked, his eyes drooping, but no answer was returned as her eyes twitched searching for something to say. “Can we travel the Merged Lands together again, that’s if- if I don’t remember, but…if I do, I still wanna do it all over again.”

 Finally, he turned to face her, trying to ignore the world around him, he thought if he just focused on her, stared into her soul to see the parts of her that hadn’t changed, he’d be okay. “Yes, Jay, of course… we can do it again.”

 “And… did we have fun?”

 Push the smile through. Just push through, and pretend you don’t notice how she still cant look you in the eye. He said again, he was questioning everything around him, if what they were saying was real, if he was what he thought he was, but he couldn’t bear it for too long.

 It looked like he wasn’t too different to Nya.

 “Yeah..Jay, we were fun.”

Chapter Text

"I saw you with Jay yesterday."

Lloyd leaned against the wall, looking down at Kai, who sat on the living-room couch. He glared, eyebrows furrowed while he tapped his foot profusely. "Lloyd, come on, dude, you're in the way." Kai tried to ignore how he stood right in the way of the TV, stretching his head around to signal that he should move, but when he didn't budge, he paused and looked up.

Only then did he see the look on his face. Stern, cross; he looked down at him like he really was Master Wu about to give him a lecture.

"And? Are you gonna say anything?" Lloyd pressed further after his useless response, inching another centimeter closer, but that small movement caused Kai's fingers to stop moving the controls, and look into his eyes that had a glaze of terror over them.

While he was once laid down, one leg sprawled over the side of the couch, he sat up once the tapping of Lloyd's foot only got quicker. "Yeah…I did. What's wrong with that?" he stretched his words while yawning, trying to sound casual.

He knew that if he started to sound serious, Lloyd would only grow more anxious.

Everyone knew the atmosphere was tense, and every attempt at a conversation had one dawning factor in the air - that Jay wasn't there, he wasn't normal, he may not be some different person, but he certainly wasn't the same as he always was.

And that was the thing dividing the team, not knowing how he would act, what he's thinking, not knowing how they should react to this. Besides their differences, however, they all had an agreement; once they believe he could handle it, they would tell Jay the truth.

This truth is that he hadn't been with the team for all these years, he had been alone, missing, and forgotten everything about them and his own life. Then, he sided with their enemy, fought Nya at the Tournament, told her that he would always hate her, and, really, was completely unrecognizable.

And this person that he thinks he is might not really be him, but really, a mix of who he'd always been, with this person he didn't recognize.

Then, most of all, his goodness was shattered, and every moment of anger, every time he gets annoyed at some insignificant thing is because of what he did to himself.

He put on that mask, he joined Ras, and he let that gong hit and erase every trace of goodness in his soul. To the team, it erased the parts of him that they loved, every part of him that made him himself.

So, while they were on agreement that he would find it all out one day, that day was just a concept hanging in the air, because, really, how could anyone ever be ready to hear that?

Most of all, after he finds out the truth, he would know that since the moment he woke up, everything the ninja have said had been a lie. Every time they looked at him, it wasn't because they wanted his company, it was because they were trying to decipher whether he was still the person they didn't want to see.

Rogue; violent, evil, shattered.

Not the Jay they need.

After a few seconds of silence, Kai went back to playing the game, he looked around Lloyd, until immediately after the lazer beams shot from his character, he spoke again, this time, even more stern, more demanding. "Well, why?"

"Why what?"

Suddenly, his once tapping foot slammed onto the ground, he grabbed at his hair, and like always, walked back and forth in front of the TV. Kai, at this point, knew this was serious, and placed down the controller. Though, he didn't stand up to calm him, he just had to sound casual, and not go on a lecture about how this panicking is unhealthy.

"Wh-why did you go outside with him?!" he exclaimed, quickly grabbing the controller from Kai's lap and pausing the loud game blasting in his ears.

For a moment, he just wanted to close his eyes and ignore how Kai remained on the couch, still just sat down as if the problem at hand just…wasn't there. But he couldn't ignore anything, he couldn't block out the fact that Jay could find out, and the time of telling him the truth is drawing closer and closer.

All he wanted to do was sit down too, play the videogame with Kai and just be himself again: but he couldn't, because the team was falling apart and Jay might just hate them when he finds everything out.

"Lloyd, I know this is hard, but we can't have him cooped in the med-bay forever, he's pretty much okay to go back to his own room now." he replied listlessly, he sighed and tried to grab the controller back to get the conversation back to something more neutral, and not a one-sided panicked rant.

As he now let himself just rush back and forth, grabbing at his hair or fidgeting with his fingers, he tried to come to a stop at Kai's words - those ridiculous words that he couldn't make sense of.

Because how could anyone be so calm when the truth will spill eventually?

Jay would hate them for lying, and Lloyd found himself wishing he'd just ripped the bandaid off when he first woke up - it might have been messy, it could have broken him, but it would have been over with already. However, as much as Lloyd wished it was over with, he couldn't bring himself to let it start, now that they've waited so long.

"Beca-because what…" he heaved through his breaths, trying to stay steady, trying to not let everything inside him fall apart. He couldn't let his role in the team shatter, like Jay's goodness had been shattered completely. "What if he finds out we're not telling him the truth?"

In a way, he felt the same as Jay: he didn't know who he was either. Was he just a ninja, a teammate, a brother, or all of these people forced into the role of a Master that he couldn't handle, that he'd failed at?

Arin left, Sora too, and the team barely stayed together for missions anymore. Just why was he so bad at it?

"He- what if he leaves us? Like Arin and Sora, it'll be my fault, because I never told him what happened?" he rushed, gripping his head. "He'll be so mad, Kai, you can't bring him out!"

He tried not to think of what he was doing as a lie, the word felt more terrifying, more real. To calm his rushing conscience, he tried to think of this as a favour, and as the Master, he was protecting him.

Lloyd was taking the burden of the world on his shoulders, being the conduit, trying to save the literal Source Dragons, and the rest of the team and his students didn't need those responsibilities. He was the Master, that is what they're supposed to do.

So he didn't want Jay to find out and deal with more than he has to, he couldn't let that happen.

"But…we all agreed we'd tell him." he responded with a questioning tone, straightening himself when Lloyd's panicking voice rang too high.

"Yes- but…" he turned away from Kai, who stood taller than him, his eyebrows slightly downturned, something he only did when he was trying to lecture him (even though he's the Master, he can make the decisions, and this is what he knows is best for Jay).

His mouth hung as he tried to latch onto all the air in the hot, steaming room, where his face grew red and his limbs started to shake, gulping, he tried to speak again. "I just don't think…it's a good idea."

Every-time he spoke more uncertain words, the more shameful he grew. He hated to say those things, and deep down, he knew it was a lie, he knew something bad wad going to come out of this, but somehow, he just couldn't help but resist it.

Kai jumped, pulling back, "What? Like…ever?"

In unison, Lloyd did the same, with one hand drawn out and the other still gripping the controller, each second it grew tighter, but only as a way to combat the ever-growing weakness of his mind.

"I…"

"We have to tell him someday, Lloyd, come on, man!" he protested, suddenly jumping forward and grabbing his shoulders, his words and strong touch trying to get Lloyd to see past his thoughts.

When Lloyd didn't answer with words, but only a strong hitch of his breath and taking a step back, he added, "You can't just run from this, and Jay can't spend his life not knowing what happened to him!"

His words were firm and sharp, but they couldn't pierce through his worries. He knew no matter what, Jay would run from this, if he found out what he did, he could abandon them, dig himself into a deeper hole he's already stranded in.

So he could be the one to run from it, or stand his ground on not letting Jay go through all that, not when he'd already been through so much. But he couldn't answer when Kai's hands pressed hard into his shoulder, and his face, of all things, sounded angry, and it was a constant reminder that he couldn't satisfy everyone as the Master.

He'd failed yet again.

"Lloyd, if you're not the one to tell him when he's ready for it, then I will. We're already lying to him, we can't carry on with this!" he finished, struggling to make eye contact with Lloyd when he was already turning his head away from the words.

"We're not…lying to him." Lloyd replied, swallowing the silence that tried to take over him as a way to run, but he couldn't run, he had to find a way to make this the way.

He believed that this whole thing isn't just a lie, because they're a team, and they would never lie to each-other. They're doing what is best for him, and that's what makes their team more stable, it will be what brings them together. Telling Jay that he'd been against them, on the villain's side, and shattered every bit of goodness in his soul, it would only drive them further apart.

Lloyd couldn't stand it - he couldn't handle how often Cole left with the finders, couldn't bring himself to enjoy the mission when the team was halved. Even now, the team had left for the Crossroads, minus Kai, to check it out with the Finders.

All new and uncomfortable, he was still trying to adjust years later.

"Then…then what are we doing? Lloyd- you know how much lies can hurt people, right? Even if it's for their protection, if he finds out, that for the rest of his life, he's just…what- not a part of some secret everyone else is in, how do you think he'd react?" Kai scoffed, rushing to the door behind Lloyd, who covered his ears.

"Surely he'd hate us more, versus if we just tell him now?" he added, slamming the door open when Lloyd retreated out of the living-room.

Kai's voice rushed, his hands slammed against the door as he begged for Lloyd to listen, to realize that the weight of Mastery was bearing him down and this was the result.

Grabbing the wall to steady himself, he tried to process his words, like the possibility Kai was mentioning. He knew Jay would be angry, destroyed at the fact he hadn't been told about a life he missed.

However, that was just the thing: he would be angry.

He would lash out, scream, hurt someone, remind everyone that despite that life without knowing, his goodness is still shattered.

Fingers crawling their way back up the wall, then the rest of his trembling body, he turned back to Kai, stood frozen in the hallway. "You scared of his reaction?"

The two hadn't realized, in the dimly lit hallway, that the only room beaming in the sunlight, was the door to Jay's room. Untouched for years, except for the door as they let themselves glance in, but could never bring themselves to move a single thing.

Because they just kept waiting, praying that he would show up somewhere, maybe jump into some battle and save them all, find out they're all attending the tournament too and freak out, or maybe just found them around the time everyone else did. Then, the team wouldn't have had to be in a state of being too close to completion to feel whole, but a sense of unity that still let them feel fulfilled.

Leaving his room untouched was their way of begging that he'd come back, be brought back to the Monastery and fly onto his bed, grab the Yin-Yang Medallion that he'd left behind to keep safe right before the Merge.

But it never came, and it never could; because even if Jay does go back to the way he used to be, it wouldn't be a sudden return, where he meets eyes with them for the first time in years and he jumps into their arms.

"What?" Kai's hands tried not to lean on the door, afraid he'd slip inside and damage the sanctuary that was his room when he realized what was there.

Lloyd's eyes raised with a deep frown, he didn't look angry, just like he was sick and tired of analyzing every thought that passed his mind, and now he was trying to get someone else to think his own thoughts for him. "You said…how do you think he'd react? What-" he trembled, but tried to sound firm, "What are you scared of?"

"I'm not scared of anything, Lloyd, I-I'm sca-worried about Jay, because he's my…our friend and I don't want to lie to him!" he snapped, hitting the wall without thought. However, the shaking of the ground that came after didn't affect Lloyd, he never jumped, took a step back, he just stayed still, staring into his direction as the two stood so far apart they were like strangers meeting again.

"But you're scared of how he'll react, too." he stated, eyebrows furrowed now instead of raised, and his fist in a weak, desperate fist. "We all know his goodness is still shattered."

Kai's words first came out as jolts of uncertain breaths, until it steadied, and he spoke uncertainly. "We…we don't know that." He looked to the ground, only a faint hint of a green gi taking up the top of his vision, his frame was strong, firm, just like his threatening tone, while his was weak, sloppy, because everything Lloyd was saying wasn't wrong, but not exactly right.

"We do, and…we could just-just wait it out until it heals-"

"But we still have to tell him!" Kai leaped forward, closing the gap between them, but it was more like placing one rock into a canyon, hoping the emptiness would fill. But it couldn't, because Lloyd still stared, looked deep in Kai's direction while his eyes remained pierced to the ground, trying to ignore how his words were exactly the thoughts that Kai tried to hide.

"I-" Lloyd hesitated, taking another step away, emptying the hole once again.

"I don't know, Kai." and he walked further, until eventually, Kai stopped taking the small, uncertain steps towards him. The two stopped once Lloyd's hands placed firmly onto the door to his meditation room. Jay's room was far past them, now a turn around a corner, out of sight, his past self out of their minds.

Because now, in the aftermath of the Merge, they were living with the Jay they had right now. Shattered, empty, alone; and they didn't know how to navigate it at all, no matter how hard they smiled or laughed in the presence of Jay. Like the Merge had started all over again, they had to adjust to this new reality, the truth of what had happened.

Kai never responded to him, because now, he wasn't sure what he'd left behind in the room behind them, decorated with dusty pictures, blueprints long forgotten about and a mess that Jay could never quite keep up with.

He never held out his hand to Lloyd, because when he glided the door shut, he didn't know who he would be reaching to.

—

He had closed the door behind Kai, leaving him back there to dwell on the conversation and mayb think about what he said about Jay. Though, Lloyd wasn't entirely sure either, no one knew how to get through this.

Sighing, he relaxed every strained muscle in his body and eyed the meditation alter below, on it sat a picture frame of Jay, another of Arin and Sora. He surveyed the room only to notice the emptiness constantly surrounding him only coming out more when he escaped the situation.

A cabinet, a bundle of meditation mats in the corner and the alter he now used several times a day reminded him that he was different too, maybe even more than Jay is.

So, his eyes drooped down and his boddy flopped down to the ground, he put his hands together and closed his eyes to ignore the past, who they both used to be, the present, how different they are now, and the future, the uncertaintty of it all.

But with his eyes closed, he didn't notice the way the cabinet door hung open, the things that he once stuffed inside now gone.

—

He found himself heading straight to the med-bay after that…fight with Lloyd. He didn't know what he wanted to call it, he got angry, he was annoyed at him, but he knew he couldn't stay angry. With Arin and Sora gone, Master Wu dead, he knew someone had to be there for him, or else these fights would just get worse, and everything stored inside him would blow.

However, instead of pleading for him to come out, or bang the door aggressively and demand they talk about their feelings without the shouting, he was heading to Jay.

Everything besides Lloyd was crossing his mind as his body walked, step by step, motion by motion to where Jay should be all alone, with less people to lean on as he'd thought.

Now, after hearing what Lloyd said, not being sure if he can ever fix his shattered goodness, or if the team should ever tell him the truth, he suddenly realized how alone he really was. Even though he loved explaining the new, wonderful things after the Merge to Jay yesterday, he only just realized, that it really was all new to him.

Despite that dazzled look on Jay's face as he looked up to the sky, beaming with colors that are now just normal to everyone else, he never realized deep down that Jay woke up in this world where his room had remained untouched, where the team had adjusted to the life he isn't in.

Kai eyed the door to his room, waiting for his mind to tell him that all Jay needed was someone there, and he had to be that one.

The post-merge world is a place where there are higher priorities than the team: now they have to focus on the threat of the loss of the sources over finding him. While it made sense, because "if there is no world, there will be no Jay left to save," it still hurt.

He knew things weren't so black and white before the Merge.

Saving lives were always a priority, but there were times when if someone is hurt, they'd be quick to drop the saving of the world to help them.

Like how they'd stopped the fight with Wojira after Jay drowned, they'd retreated to a room, uncomfortable, no beds or chairs to sleep on besides the one they'd given to Jay. Despite the chaos outside, the things threatening not just the team, but the world, they had to just keep him company.

They could sit there and endure how much it hurt to hear him suffer and heave his breaths through the night, because they knew company was what he needed, even if his eyes remained painfully shut as his body turned throughout the night.

Kai never really realized how much everything changed.

His hand shook, but he breathed through it, trying to remember how before the Merge, he wouldn't have hesitated to bash himself through that door and ask if he was okay, or just enter to scruff up his hair or make fun of his situation. He felt like out of everyone, he was the best at hiding his deep fears, but he still couldn't hide them when he was alone.

In front of Jay, he could immediately seem to believe that everything is normal again, and the conversation adjusted. So, he knew all he had to do was open the door and see Jay there, probably either reading a comic or sleeping, as usual.

Though, when he opened the door, none of that greeted him; only a still uneaten bowl of food remained on the side, and an undeniably empty bed.

Chapter Text

Jay wasn't there.

And as normal as that should be, judging the current circumstances, Kai was terrified. It should be normal for Jay to go on a stroll to grab some food or just fresh air.

But right now, he'd been bedridden, confused, and most importantly, this circumstance with Jay wasn't normal. He'd been a bounty hunter, on Ras' side, worked for the Administration, denied ever knowing them, so they had no idea what activities this new phase of himself would encounter.

Kai gripped the doorframe and felt his chest tighten, each breath felt more strenuous as his body started to double over.

He knew he had to stay calm, and that this should be normal, it's just Jay, it isn't someone else roaming the halls of the Monastery, finding out their secrets. It isn't a villain, it's their friend and they need to drill that fact into their heads instead of calculating each conversation.

While Kai hated that Lloyd had removed a handful of picture frames from the walls, didn't let Jay leave the med-bay, and was still unsure whether they should tell him the truth, somehow, he still felt terrified. Jay wasn't in his bed, the covers sprawled onto the floor like he'd rushed out and the dent of him still in the mattress.

He ran a hand through his hair as his head jumped from side to side, trying to find Jay in the confines of the small, dull med-bay, as if he was just hiding to pull a prank on him.

But Jay hadn't been very humorous lately, really, he barely spoke at all, and just like the rest of the team, looking people in the eye was a struggle. He couldn't imagine him laughing much or pulling a prank, and whenever he did laugh, it was dull, barely a jolt of his chest as he did.

So, where was he?

In this situation, Kai fashioned himself as the most logical one, but as Jay was nowhere to be seen, he couldn't produce enough thoughts to even take a step. He had to get out of the room and find him, if not to appease his own worries, but to go help his friend who shouldn't be walking in his condition.

But the steps behind him said otherwise, the unrecognizable rhythm told him everything he needed to know to conclude that those footsteps were Jay's. They weren't sporadic like Lloyd's nor firm like Cole's; he could say they were quiet like Zane's, but this quietness was something else.

It wasn't the graceful silence of Zane's footsteps, but it was the slight jolt every two steps and the smallest creak of the floor through his panicked silence that told him it was not Zane's.

Most of all, he heard something in Jay's breathing, each exhale sounded like uncertainty and each inhale was an attempt at a desperate question. His breath grew quicker, slower, then would walk at a normal pace, it was random, changing all the time, just like everything in the Monastery right now.

So, Kai turned around, and Jay was there.

And although he'd said he didn't expect to see a smile or laugh, there it was.

Cemented onto Jay's face was a smile, his lips pushed up and the sides of his mouth pulled by an unknown force. It dragged into a shape that looked like an unnatural attempt at copying his real smile. His eyes were squinted to further force that smile that ran too deep into Kai's soul, but somehow, his eyes shone through.

Piercing, stabbing, Kai wanted to rip himself away from his eyes, but the eyes glared like something was horribly wrong.

And he couldn't help but be scared.

And maybe, he was scared of Jay.

The smile didn't feel like it belonged to the person in front of him, but more like it was stolen from someone it was trying to mask off. To deceive him, to trick him into trusting that forced positive smile, but he knew something was wrong.

"Oh, you're walking around, you okay?" Kai asked, but his voice display caution as he grabbed at his hands instinctively, despite the fear gripping his back. He could just never bring himself to turn around and notice it.

It was a mistake to grab his wrist, while that hand was laced with a few bandages from a small cut, Kai would assume the reason his hand was slapped away was because of the sudden pain. Though, Jay didn't make a sound, he didn't feel anything from Kai's hand besides the firm grip, trying to get closer to him and deeper into his mind, and he had to slap it away.

The touch that tried to comfort him.

The soft voice always full of worry, it frustrated him.

Kai couldn't speak, Jay refused to speak as he stayed happily staring at Kai, creases at the edge of his smile, wrinkles tracing the sides of his eyes from that forced smile that, for a moment, he swear had turned off. Off and on: Jay's emotions felt like a machine, one second, he looked happy, and the next, his mouth was down-turned, his pupils and eyelids shaking rapidly.

"Tell Lloyd that I think I should really be okay to go back to my own room now." The smile was back, but Kai found that he preferred that split moment where he glared down at him, he looked cross, angry, and that second was the most he'd felt like he was looking at Jay that week.

The smile would grow for a second as he spoke, as if he had to try even harder to not let it slip away as his thoughts focused more on words than pretending. But Kai could see through it, and this was Jay.

Kai nodded, "Yeah, sure." He watched as Jay trailed back to the seat, quiet, too quiet, the silence feeling like Jay when he was at his worst, but he knew that now, after the Merge, this was his "normal". His movements were strange, he spun around, his hands perpetually behind his back before he took his place on the edge of the bed.

"Did he hear all of that?" was all Kai could think as Jay held something behind his back, it looked large, and by the grim smile on his face, it looked important.

If Jay heard, then he would have heard how Lloyd continued to be unsure of who he was, and if it was safe to tell him the truth. He would have noticed the silence that came after Lloyd asked him if he was scared, because he didn't know how to answer.

Jay's head turned up, and finally, his eyes closed, but it was all the more terrifying. Behind, he heard rapid footsteps outside the door, growing quickly louder, more intense and desperate.

They didn't get there fast enough, it seemed, because when Kai looked down, Jay held something he shouldn't have ever found on his own. In his hand, a hat laid in his hands. Lloyd appeared from behind, his rushing breaths sounding like he wanted to get them over with so he could scream out.

Stained with dried blood, broken on the corners, then, a GI, gold accents, a shimmering metal banging together, lightning strikes clawing up the side.

It was his.

And he knew it was his.

Torn apart, like it had been damaged in battle, like a battle they proclaimed he'd gotten hurt in. Though, it was unlike any of their current, matching GI's, nothing like anything the ninja had ever worn.

Lloyd remained frozen in the doorframe and Kai kept staring down at that GI holding the secrets, until Jay spoke, this time, his smile gone, "Are you guys…being completely honest with me?"

—

"What do you mean?" Lloyd had let the silence linger for a little too long, so he blurted out a quick question. He hoped he sound confused, hoped that Jay couldn't see the way his entire body shook, trying not to grab that hat and shove it away into the dark again, never to be acknowledged, never to be seen,

That smile that was once there was gone, but each was equally as terrifying, the smile that pretended that everything was normal showed just how not normal it all was. For that to so quickly turn into the frown that now fell naturally onto his face reminded them even more of how he pretended, to hide something deeper.

It was all a way to mask something that ran so much deeper than himself, because Jay, finally, was figuring out that they were hiding something, and it felt so much bigger than him. Because what was Jay against the whole team, what was just him against a shattered soul, that continued to consume him as he lived blistfully unaware?

Would he only notice the difference within himself once he grew violent, completely back to the lengths he was willing to take as the Bounty Hunter? Would he, one day, begin to want to do those awful things?

Now, as Jay's hands gripped onto the hat, not bothering that the dry blood stuck uncomfortably to his palm, it already seemed like he was coming to that point.

That confrontational glare wasn't something Jay would have done if his goodness was in-tact, he wouldn't be unbothered at the sticky clumps of blood that had been left unattended on the hat, while his hea till remained bandaged.

Lloyd started to wonder if it would really make more sense to tell him now, because maybe then, if he knew who he would become, this less goodness-shattered version of himself would fight to not let himself go too far.

Jay huffed and Lloyd took a step closer, trying to close the unmovable canyon between them both.

Lloyd: the Master, Conduit, the hero of the Merged Lands.

Jay: the ninja, Bounty Hunter, a mind that had never stepped food in those lands.

They couldn't be more different, so how was Lloyd able to predict how he would react, now and when he inevitably gets worse?

"I mean, Lloyd, what is this?" he commanded, his tone laced with power, with strength that all the people after the Merge tried to drill into his head.

He smiled, and tried not to let the sweat running down his temple reveal itself. "It's just- just your GI?" he tried desperately to sound casual, to make it seem like Jay was just worrying himseld, acting irrational. But, it was really him who was acting irrational, because one half of his mind, the friend to Jay, led him to want to tell him, while the other half, the Master, found it terrifying.

Then, the sides would switch, and suddenly, telling his friend that he had done all of those things felt cruel.

Jay raised his eyebrows, he hunched over, but only to glare up more at Lloyd, letting him see the way his eyebrows furrowed over his eyes,"And why was it hidden in the meditation room?"

Lloyd would have liked to argue back, ask why he was snooping there, but the buzz in his limbs and shifting of the air didn't let him. "I- it's- it wasn't hidden, It's just-"

He couldn't produce the words he needed one bit. He couldn't convince Jay why this GI, styled and made differently from the other ninja, was hidden away. It was intentional, scrunched up, as he had thrown it straight in there when they'd gotten him out of them.

Back then, it was a strange tactic; when he woke up and demanded he leave the Monastery, he wouldn't be able to find his clothes, and as he was, Lloyd was sure he wouldn't sacrifice his dignity to go out in his pyjamas.

Though, that never happened, because instead of waking up as he'd always been after the Merge, he woke up as if just a day had passed since they were all together, united as usual.

Now, the GI hidden away in that room let him hope that he wouldn't have to wear it anymore. He wouldn't return to his old self, he wouldn't have a shattered soul, and things would just be normal.

"Just shoved in the meditation closet?" Jay retorted, a slight mocking tone to his voice that only wasn't obvious because of the exhaustion constantly rattling through him.

Kai turned back to Lloyd, trying to show him a face to lead by example, because his face, although smiling, was cracking as he laughed, and his eyes were protruding right open. They hoped Jay couldn't see, and though Kai still, despite every fear, wanted to tell him, this was not the right moment.

Because now, if they admit the truth, Jay would never know they really did plan to tell him.

"Yeah-Jay, Lloyd…he…" Kai swallowed, then scooted forward, deciding that now, he would look Jay in the eyes, and not hide away from the deep red on the surface of the clothing, or the red that peeked through his eyes, like the shatterspin swimming around him at the Tournament.

"Lloyd…didn't want you to see that. It was-" he continued, scratched his head, and took a seat next to Jay. "It was really scary seeing you like that, you were really hurt, like a lot of blood, so…we know it's weird but we kinda just hid it in there because we didn't want you to freak out."

Jay kept a hold of the hat, but his grip was loosening once Kai put a hand around his shoulder. Lloyd budged in, his hands flailing about, "Yeah! I'm sorry Jay but- but I just panicked and hid it! I didn't like the look of the blood and-"

He was interrupted, and his hands remained in the air when Jay spoke, blunt, straight to the point, not afraid of the cruelty laced in his tone, "Okay."

"What?" Lloyd paused.

"Okay, Lloyd." he started again, looking right at him, "I believe you, it's…okay."

Kai's hands nearly fell from his back when Jay's sudden voice blasted through the room, the first word was quiet, but when he repeated himself, he wanted both of them to hear it, and understand that he believed their words.

But both of them knew he didn't believe them, at least not fully, maybe he thought the truth was molded into the lies, or a lie slipping into mostly a truth. Lloyd might use his words to reassure himself that he really had calmed the situation, but it would just be him clutching onto a false hope that things weren't falling apart.

Lloyd's arms fell to his side, and he sighed,"Okay."

—

All Jay had to do was act normal, pretend as much as the ninja pretended around him. Because now, he was sure they were, their smiles were forced, he heard the cracks of their voices before they forced their words out, and he knew now, that something, undeniably, was wrong.

And it had something to do with him.

It had been six days since he woke up, and everyday he grew more uncertain that this world was something he was meant to inhabit. He thought that at least he would get a sense of the years he'd forgot, a flicker of familiarity when he saw the view from the Monastery, or even just the GIs they wore, but he didn't.

It really was like he was seeing it for the first time, and this memory loss was starting to sound weird.

Maybe, the others had underexaggerated his injury, and he'd forgot more than he actually did, because the amount of blood on the GI, still in his hands, didn't look so bad that it would make him forget all that time.

Mostly, it didn't look that bad, and for Lloyd and Kai to say they hid the Gi from him because of the blood didn't seem right. They were ninja, they were prone to seeing blood, most of them had at least once had near life-threatening blood loss. He wasn't squeamish to blood, he never had been, especially growing up in a Junkyard and jumping from buildings in his make-shift wings, he'd gotten his share of injuries, and he was used to it.

The ninja knew that.

He knew that about himself, but it was like the ninja were trying to act like they knew him more than he knew himself.

He was Jay Walker, a bit reckless sometimes, and he could imagine himself getting hit by a boulder, and he was sure he believed that, but there was something off, a lie, or some twisted truth. Maybe he didn't even want to figure out the lie, now, he just wanted to know what the ache inside his chest was.

The part of himself that didn't feel full, the disconnection he had to the walls of the Monastery, the creaky floorboards, the sound of Nya's voice yesterday.

And when he ventured out of the medbay, fighting the dizziness, and found those clothes, he was scared that he couldn't recall which point of the floor would send a creak rattling through the Monastery. Worst of all, even though he knew the layout hadn't changed, he was getting lost, and he'd turned a wrong corner just one time, where he noticed an empty wall, devoid of photos, but nails still in the wall.

Then, some faint voices, he couldn't tell from where because of the dizziness and weakness of hid body being on that bed, but he couldn't even tell who was speaking.

The voices were distant, everybodies words felt so far away from him, like an echo bouncing off the walls of a temple, and they only reached him until it had sissipated, and all meaning was lost.

He was just drifting, surviving through each day as everyone drifted further apart, despite how close Kai pinned to him, Cole's comfort, Zane's checkups, Nya's conversations.

Jay wished there were windows in the med-bay, but all the light in there was the small ceiling-light, producing the greyness of the room - the complete opposite of that sky he saw, the sky he wanted to see again. To touch it, feel it, and get away from his reality where he just drifted, floated along, and had to endure their unconvincing movements and unsure voices, was all he wanted.

Outside was dark now, and the day had ran quietly, Kai and Lloyd left and parted opposite ways. The one thing he couldn't ignore was how everyone else had left, first, the Monastery was empty, besides Lloyd and Kai, when he walked around because the rest of the team had left for the Crossroads.

Then, Kai had told him they were all staying overnight at the Land of Lost Things, places he wished he could go to. In the past, he would have wanted to go with the team, where they laughed, bickered and everything seemed normal, it would stay that way. Now, he found himself having to imagine the ninja as something else if he were to enjoy going anywhere with them, now, he just wanted to go alone.

He pulled his knees to his chest and ignored the full bowl left on the counter, his eating habits had fallen out of place again. The hat had fallen onto the floor when his blanket was pulled up to his chest, trying to hide, trying to not feel the sharp corners of the hat that reminded me of Lloyd's occasional sharp voice that felt nothing like him.

So, he tried to embrace the softness of the GI, a red belt, the gold accents, dark and light blue, a mix of colours he'd never had on his GI before. He wanted to feel their soft voices and not believe they were pretending, he wanted to smile and laugh, and go on adventures with the team, but something that happened was stopping him from doing that.

And all he desired was to be alone, he wished he felt something else, he wished he wanted something more than his own company.

He wanted Master Wu back, or at least to remember how he died, he wanted Nya to kiss him, but she still hadn't.

He wished Cole wouldn't look at Geo and those kids like his new family, like he'd left theirs behind.

All he wanted was the answer to every piece of anger, loneliness, emptiness and desire for something else in his body.

Gripping the GI, he looked at the initials rounded by the shining gold.The letters didn't feel like his, the GI, nor the walls or his own voice felt like his. Tighter, harder, sharper, he pulled it closer to his chest to remind himself that their team was unbreakable, nothing could shatter their bond.

But the tears cracked through the strong shield, and everything inside shattered.

Chapter Text

Nya looked down at him from the tower, because he was weak, and had failed his one purpose in life. He had lost at the Tournament on his very first fight, and most of all, Ras glared at him from the side. Despite shattering his goodness even more just to beat the fight, he still couldn't beat the Rising Dragon technique.

He wanted to be angry, to go to the girl who looked down in concern and continue the fight simply because he knew he deserved to win, because winning was his destiny, his purpose, not hers. However, all that overcame him when Roby announced that she had won was sadness, shame, and he couldn't harness the anger that Ras had taught him to embrace.

And immediately, he knew he couldn't belong there, and Ras' deep eyes that had once comforted him, reminded him that he really did have a purpose, now felt foreign to him. Through it all, there was always anger in Ras' eyes, but it was familiar, and somehow, comforting.

Now it wasn't, and even though he already knew that he didn't belong there, he wanted to plead to stay. His Shatterspin hadn't been strong enough because he could never gather enough anger to truly control it, he needed more strength, and Ras was the only person who could give him that.

The Shatterspin was his, it felt…familiar, the jagged lines, the speed, and the power rushing through his veins as he used it all felt like the thing he'd used in the life he'd forgotten.

Even then, when the platform was being lowered and the girl jumped off, a few awkward metres apart, the lightning was stripped from his soul, it felt worse than that weak Shatterspin.

His lightning was gone, and it felt even emptier than those years in the Administration, where all he did was work in those dull walls and dull lights, when he didn't even know he had those powers.

But now that he had seen those flashes of blue and yellow in his lightning, he knew what was missing as he stared at his empty palms, and the look on Ras' face wasn't that hopeful one he masked when he was rescued from the Administration, but now a cold, dissapointed look as he made his way back to the group.

And he was so utterly small, they stood above the stairs and he hunched over below their gazes, their sharp stares that showed him they were better, and had the right idea of what it means to follow Ras' teachings.

He didn't, he didn't think he ever could, but his shattered goodness wanted to, so he apologized.

He just didn't know that was another weak move, not indicative of a strong, relentless warrior like Ras had said he was, he was starting to think he never was.

"Sorry is not good enough." he stabbed, and his hand pushed Jay back. He didn't fight back, he didn't even get angry despite his shattered goodness and the shatterspin he thought was powerful enough. All he had done in front of Ras was humiliate himself, and tremble at his sad attempts of an apology.

But someone strong doesn't apologise, they fight to prove they are not their mistake, or best of all, they never make the mistake in the first place.

Those ninja hung behind him, and he almost felt their stares behind his back as much as Ras' piercing straight into his chest. He knew they were looking at him with some false sense of sympathy, either trying to manipulate him into believing he was one of them, or convince themselves that he was ever going to by pitying themselves.

He knew he would never be as weak as them - their goodness was holding them back from true power.

"Jay." that girl's voice shot from behind, it was quiet and trembling, just like his had been, but to him, it was sharp and manipulative like Ras each time he made a mistake. "I know you lost your memory but- but you have to know the truth."

Lies, a desperate plea to her voice that didn't make him feel cared for, only weak, pitied and degraded by everyone around him.

"I love you." she declared, a hand reaching up to him that he saw in the corners of his blurring vision, but he knew he couldn't cry, he would never be weak enough to shed a tear again, even now, as his reality about Ras fell apart.

His back hunched, and his fists shook, he just wanted to feel something that reminded himself that he was still strong, that he wasn't the person Ras thought he was. If it came to it, he would clench his fists and let the nails dig into his palms, let his hands bleed just so he could prove that he could handle it.

"I will always love you."

Because he could handle this, he could handle anything because that is what made him strong, and the warrior that Ras told him he was.

But that warrior reality was crumbling apart, and somehow, he had so suddenly stopped believing in it as Ras stood to the side, watching his anger bubble.

Well, Ras was expecting the anger to bubble inside, but even as he twisted around and knocked the girl's hand out of the way, feeling the shatterspin surge inside him, he didn't think he felt anger. The sudden voice that declared, "And I will always hate you," still didn't come from a place of anger, it was shame, disappointment, and weakness that had rolled into the only emotion he could stretch and form onto his empty frame, anger.

That girl pulled away, her eyes wide against his red, erased parts of his mind that transformed his eyes into an angry shell.

Now, all he had to do was keep believing that this was what he was meant to be, shattered, angry, and powerful. Even if what Ras told him was fake, he wanted to hold onto it, because he liked the adventure, when it came, and liked being strong.

Because being strong was the gateway to everything you want.

So, despite failing Ras, he turned back around and trailed behind the group.

—

Walls shook as he pounded against the temple walls, Ras was screaming, Jordana and Cinder watched in disappointment, resentment, because he had failed their mission.

As soon as he'd entered their temple in the city, after failing his match, Ras had removed that only slightly-disappointed nature he put on in front of Roby (as to not get kicked out of the city), and blasted out. Before he could take the time to settle in to the change of the lights, blinding him when he entered the room, he had grabbed him by the top and flung him to the wall.

His back ached, it stabbed at his ears, his nose, his eyes, every sense as he instinctively backed away from the group.

He was scared, and he hated it.

Ras' eyes were poisonous, he was scared of what he would do to him, scared that he wouldn't be able to fight back, because now, he was powerless. Even though Ras never had any power to begin with, he felt utterly weak against him, even though they should be on equal terms now that his power is gone.

But to him, his powers were all the strength he had, he had his shatterspin, but now that was gone, he may still have his kicks, his punches, but it felt like they were all fueled by his elemental power.

His lightning was what ignited his very soul, though the shattering of his goodness broke the good parts of his soul, it only built up that surge of power, the electricity coursing through him.

And now he was empty, as empty as he'd been back in the Administration, where all his hands were used for were typing reports, and signing sappy birthday cards. He was everything he used to be, but worse, and now he couldn't even look Ras in the eyes as his body slid to the floor, as he had when he was weak on the ground after escaping the Administration.

Back then, Ras' eyes were the hope, now, they only showed him that he was useless without his powers or the satisfaction of the people around him - the people he relied on to give him a purpose.

But as his hands laid empty, no lightning coming out when his hand went to shoot, he knew his purpose was his elemental power, and not he had lost that purpose. It was the control, the strength and freedom it gave him.

"I brought you here to win matches, that was your only purpose!" he growled again, getting closer.

However, he knew he also had to find more purpose, to be able to kick and punch without feeling like it was his lightning that gave him the strength. He would prove to Ras that that he was more, that he could do better, and he could continue filling his purpose-

"Get out of here!" he spat, this time, Jay could finally look away from the ground stained with his bloodied nose. His head shook as his if neck didn't want to see the cold stare Ras would be giving him, but eventually, he was staring right at him, wide-eyed and still shaking from the throb.

His lips quivered when they tried to get out a single word, but they couldn't fight against what would happen, because Ras declaring what he said, he knew he couldn't fight it. As soon as he spoke, it was fate, and it couldn't be changed, because Jay wasn't the power here, Ras was.

"Now!" Jay hurled back, banging his head against the wall again, and this time, his hands couldn't even stop his nose from dripping blood, it circled around his lips, then down to his chin, until it stained the attire given to him by Ras to match the others. He thought it held purpose to him, but now it didn', he didn't care to notice now.

Because Ras wanted him gone, and he knew he would never return.

And the only purpose he had until now was gone.

With a jolt of his breath and a weak whimper, he shuffled across the floor, and during the sheer speed at which his heart beat, he didn't care how weak he looked, how pathetic crawling on the floor to his bag was. Now, he just needed to get out of there, and start fresh.

Grabbing his bag, not having the time or bravery to go around the temple and see if he needed anything else, he reached high to open the door.

Tears doused down, mixing with the warm blood, and each movement of his bones as he got up was sharp, bashing at the bruises from the lost fight, training, then what just happened with Ras.

At least he was gone, away from their shouts, their cold voices and stares.

But one thing remained, he was weak, and there was nothing else to change that but himself.

Or else, it would be his destiny, and his life would remain unchanged.

—

This time, he didn't wake up screaming, he didn't cry, nor did he even move. The room was dark and colder than usual, the familiarity of it left him frozen.

He didn't feel tired, he was shot awake, but not by fear, not like he had been like in those nightmares the others had been telling him about. Instead, it was like he had been awake this whole time, and that dream still lingering in his mind was something that had just happened, and he'd been suddenly transported back to the bed.

The dark was familiar, something that had happened in the dream.

Instead of the emptiness two seconds ago, suddenly, he felt determined, because for once, he didn't feel crazy.

He decided to believe them when they said he'd been having night terrors, because what would they gain from lying about that? But, he also found it incredibly distant from him, like this person waking up, panicking and crying was someone else, or another him from a different time, who still remembered those horrific dreams.

But right now, he could swear he remembered, and it felt like much more than a dream. It had happened, and there were odd senses of it trickling through his brain.

Determined, he jumped from the bed, his heart only pounded with the desperation to get out of that room, not fear, because he wasn't weak, and that felt important somehow.

The way he could walk without pain, get out of bed despite his injuries and have a desire to find something out felt tremendously significant to him, like he was proving something or someone wrong. Getting out of bed and sliding open the door was his way of saying that he wasn't in doubt of his own mind.

Still, he couldn't open the door, and it was the opposite of what everything inside was telling him to do.

Lingering somewhere was a voice, angry, controlling.

Black hair? Or fur?

He was somewhere, he felt a location that was very important, but no visuals came to his mind, only a sense of dread.

And even though in his night terrors, he had jolted up in fear, panicked, screamed and cried, he never remembered it in the morning, this one was different. It was more like a dream, but it filled him with more dread than he ever got from those terrors, this one was clutching onto him, even though he hadn't even screamed when he woke, like he was supposed to be used to that feeling.

It felt more real than any dream he ever had, but he couldn't remember anything, only a fear that didn't let him leave that room, but instead made him turn back around. This time, with a limp, like all his weakness had returned and his determination filled adrenaline gone.

Blue hat, blue gi, a red belt, his initials hanging; he reached down to them, fallen onto the floor, and realized he had fallen asleep with them on him. After the conversation with Lloyd and Kai, he knew that the clothes were more important than they let on, and their explanation was only somewhat of a truth.

Though, just because he knew there were lies mixed into their stories, it didn't mean he had any idea.

Reaching down, he hesitantly picked them up, feeling the odd texture, the worn down feeling, the raggedness that wasn't on parr with anything the ninja wore. His nails dug inside them, and he thought that his palms could just bleed into the unfamiliar red of the belt, the color of it unfamiliar, but when it would be stained with his blood, maybe it would feel right.

Only anger felt right, he felt hollow when he experienced anything else, he believed.

It only just felt like he woke up, because now, he was angry, he needed to feel something, some pain, some event that will justify the feeling in every vein, the one coursing through his cells until it reached the heart and grabbed him whole.

He wanted to be angry, but he didn't know why and when this feeling sprouted.

How could he want to be angry? What part of him was searching for that feeling, or was he getting every other emotion mixed in with it?

Was the "anger" just determination, desperation, a want to belong?

Or was he just tired?

Did he want to find out what they were hiding from him?

Pulling up the belt to his forehead, he tried to feel the warmth of his palms that couldn't bleed even though those thoughts had flashed his mind. However, his hands weren't warm, they didn't shake, they didn't surge with energy, and they were completely unfamiliar.

—

Fireworks blasted above her, sharp and painful to her ears, but also completely dull. They painfully reminded her that she couldn't celebrate, even though she'd won the match.

Meanwhile, she couldn't speak at all, the team was uncomfortably silent too, still idling by the arena, taking glances where Jay had appeared to them for the first time in years, it was nothing how they expected it to happen.

Though, after so long, they didn't know what to expect anymore, after finding everyone else besides Pixal and Wu so long ago, they were terrified at the stretch of time where the ninja team sat at five, not six. A crack in the group that felt more like a bottomless pit, and each month or mission that went by, getting Jay back felt more like a reality far in the future.

But that reality eventually came true, he was there right in front of them, talking, shouting, fighting, acting like someone else, but they hadn't got him back. This reality was worse, and something that Jay would not have wanted at all, he probably would have preferred death to forgetting about his family.

Cole took his place next to her, where she tried to ignore the cheers, the laughter from the crowd when they had just saw what happened. She was so angry, because they must have heard her pleas, how desperately she tried to avoid the fight,

She looked down, her eyes drooping until the fireworks faded away, and all she could hear was Cole's deep sigh as he got ready to speak.

"Let's go get Jay." she interrupted his intake of oxygen and turned to the team, who all immediately nodded their heads, because they knew that is all they should do.

To Nya, it was the number one priority, she didn't care for the Tournament anymore, maybe not even the mystery of the Matriarch's death, she just wanted to find Jay, to save him.

Because he was completely alone, and now, after losing the fight, she noticed the way his head hung and he timidly reached out to Ras, like how she had reached out to him with no response. Perhaps, he was more alone than ever, and that would be partly her fault when she beat him, she could imagine Ras rejecting him, because strength was everything to him, and Jay hadn't had enough of it.

"Let's go." Lloyd confirmed, slamming his fists, confidence beaming from him. With his face, it really felt like this was the most important mission to everyone, and it really did feel like it would be okay.

—

What she didn't expect to see on their storming to Ras' place was a figure limping through the streetlights.

And because every road in her mind led to the same destination, this one led to Jay, and she could immediately see his slightly run-down curls, the clothes on his back. As they got closer, everyone else still slightly hesitant, she started to see the red splotches on his face, trickling down, only illuminated more by the beams of light above.

"Jay!" She screeched, not caring for the crack in her voice or the way she fell forward, reaching out to someone the other's weren't quite sure were Jay yet.

But she knew.

Jay was right there, she could see each freckle on his face, the notch of his eyebrow, the pained furrow of them he always did when he was sad.

He was there, so she ran, stumbling after leaping, hurling after falling, because if she could just reach him, then maybe it could all be okay. Then, the reality of Jay coming back might be what they wanted after all, it wouldn't just be reduced to a momentary meeting. Now, it would show everyone that it was her determination to get him back.

She would save him, she had to be the one to fix this. Whatever had happened, whatever changed inside his mind and every decision that led him to be there, so cruel, his words so sharp, would be over soon.

Nya would be the one to save Jay Walker.

She grabbed him hard, because she couldn't let him leave again, she had to guarantee she would save him. "Jay, please!" she heaved, her chest tightening as she tried to catch her breath.

That moment, he twisted her way, he couldn't let go of her grip if he even tried because his arms shook at the tension of carrying the bag, while they ignored the dripping blood. He didn't care to stop it, it ran down and stained his skin, and Jay didn't look to care at all.

But when Nya recollected herself at his sudden turn, she noticed his wide, shaking eyes, blossoming with tears, he was so small, so afraid, and Nya knew she had to save him.

This was the work of Ras, and Nya would make him pay.

But all she had to do now was save him, open up her arms and drag him in herself, not beg for him to remember, following some false hope as if a miracle would suddenly appear. "Jay, what happened?" she shook, pulling him towards her and grabbing both of his wrists. At this point, Jay was hooked to the ground as Nya only tried to take another peek at those eyes, see a glimmer of recognition for her, or at least see the pain he was feeling, because that was better than the anger before.

Tearing up, she tried to push further. She knew she had to be close, because Jay was still standing there, while weak and emotional, he wasn't running away, not getting angry. He was vulnerable, and she would take that moment to bring him back.

"Ras did this to you, didn't he?" her hands slipped into his, and finally, they were interlinked. His fingers felt different, more muscular and firm, like the things Ras had drilled into him. Then, there were his knuckles, stained with bruises and red marks, ones that looked new, and may be the reason she found him out there, wandering alone, limping in the dark towards the edge of the city.

Where, once again, he would be alone.

Jay still didn't answer, but the gloss over his eyes were growing thicker, it made his lips tremble and his back arch until his face was completely enveloped in the shadow under the streetlight.

Nya just wanted to know what could have happened to reduce the anger, confident man from before into this small, shivering person now, where he didn't fight how she held his hands, or pulled him into her.

His trembling kept growing, until it felt like all she had to do to control it was pull him in more, until her arms could grip around his body and never let go again.

Chapter Text

She awoke with a scream, but her face remained dry, because that dream that felt comforting in the moment was a nightmare for her in the real world - where she didn't find Jay after the tournament, where she was too late.

It wasn't emotional, it didn't send tears from her eyes: it was terrifying, because every single part of her conscience was attacking her for every decision she's made.

Up until now, every decision she made changed Jay's fate.

If she told Jay to stay on the Bounty with her during the Merge, maybe it wouldn't have torn them apart. Then, if she tried harder to find him, maybe she could have saved him before Ras got his hands on him, and changed everything about him. If she wasn't so content with her time in the Realm of Madness, she could have realized that all along, they were so close, in the same realm, and maybe Jay would have never put on that wolf mask, never let that gong ring.

Maybe if she lost the fight, she would have had more chances to convince him, and take him back before he dug himself deeper, strayed further away from who he was meant to be.

After the scream, she stayed silent and just watched the glow of orange hit the surfaces of that room.

She didn't know why she came here, but she decided to come along with the others to the Land of Lost Things, where she eventually spent the night, tucked down on the floor in a sleeping bag. Nya didn't know how she could leave behind the Monastery now.

The sun might only just be rising, and she assumed it to only be around six, but with shaky arms she tore herself out of that suffocating bag and got out the room. However, back when Jay was normal, when he wasn't this, the team would already be sharing food at the table, getting ready for a day of training exercises, or all of them heading out to deal with just one thug.

Because they liked to be together, they were stuck, and Wu always managed to keep them together.

It felt like they were falling apart, and she suspected everyone else felt the same.

Or maybe it was just her, because she believed she was now the only one not content with her life, or at least, the only one not able to pretend. Zane had found Pixal, Cole had a new family, everyone had a new purpouse; but for her, Jay was still something else, she still didn't have him back.

And somehow, what Wu did was what drove this to begin.

She dragged herself into the kitchen, where Cole was already cooking alone.

"Hey Nya, you're up-" he announced, the food sizzling on the stove above his weary morning voice, "Hey what's wrong?"

The unfamiliarity of that room cusped around her, until all she could imagine was what should be there instead. Jay should be next to her, holding her hand, not hesitantly itching towards it while refusing to look her in the eye. He should be there, with all of them, and know who he is.

And her hands were already in her face, soaking with a sweat that formed while trying to hold it all in, mixing with every tear that slipped out. She wasn't one to cry in front of anyone, not even Jay or the comfort of herself: it made her feel exposed, open to an attack, or even worse, pity.

She didn't think she was sad, if anything, she was angry, just so angry and jealous and desperate for it all to be done and over with. Everyone had moved on from the Merge, the world as they know it is simply what it is, but to her, this all still felt new, and she was still hanging in the middle, where the storm still ravaged, where she could still look over the edge of the Bounty and see Jay in his mech.

She could barely feel happy for her friends.

So she hid her face, the way her eyebrows furrowed, because she didn't think her tears were sadness, but all her jealousy slipping out in front of the person who had everything she didn't.

"Nya?" the stove was still sizzling, left unattended, as Nya's breath rattled over those noises, and Cole wrapped an arm around her when she didn't answer. He grabbed her gently and led her to a seat around the table, filled with the makeshift chairs by Geo.

"I-gosh, I- I'm sorry, Cole." she choked, her wrists rubbing the last of her falling tears until all that was left were the ones being held in by a thread, and not thinking of anything that would cause it to snap. Her back heaved and jolted itself up and down, her chest ached, her throat closed, she felt like his hand rubbing her back was something so dangerous, so different.

And suddenly, every touch reminded her of him.

Every shift of an atom in the air felt like it was trying to pull her away from what Jay used to be, the rhythm of Cole's hands not being the same as his on hers, the texture of the chair beneath her. It wasn't the chairs back at the Monastery or the Bounty, where the air was warm, the glow was soft, and they threw their food at each other, laughing.

The air wasn't the same air as years ago, not the same breeze as when they first met over a decade ago, where they were okay, and it would always be.

Back when they weren't a struggling battle to stay together, where the world didn't drag them apart whenever chance it had.

"It's okay…" Cole hushed, in the dark at her outburst, all he could do was rub her back and hope she would come to. However, recently, he knew that there was a clear reason she was crying. She was here, while Jay was still at the Monastery, and if he felt a tinge og guilt inside for leaving him there, then he was sure Nya did too.

And she had been trying so hard to keep it normal, but nothing let it stay the same. Cole felt like that was the problem, things are different, and they have to live in this world now, but it isn't completely different. Jay is still there, he laughs, he smiles, and he's trying to balance the confusing feelings inside that aren't letting him act exactly how he was before.

Nya fell closer even though she hated the touch, the closeness, how she just wished Jay could be there instead, or how things didn't have to come to this at all.

"I just wish things were different."

Cole sighed, and pulled her in further, "Yeah, same." he looked to her head pressed against his side, how the rattles of her breathing were shaking him too. "But…we don't know if his shattered goodness can be fixed so- so I think…we might have to learn to live with it."

"No, no! I don't want to, Jay would never forgive himself after learning what he did to me-" her breaths ran short, and she had to gulp in more air as she spoke, her face now dry, but exhibiting more emotions than before. "I don't want him to go through this, he'll- he would have never wanted this!"

She had pushed herself from him, her arms barely a force against Cole, but he got the message and jumped back.

Of course he didn't like the thought, of course if he got the chance to go back, he would have saved Jay before the merge ripped them apart, or pried him from the Administration or Ras instead. But that hadn't happened, and although all he wished for was that things could feel normal again one day, he didn't know if that was what Jay wanted.

Right now, instead of Jay being someone begging to be "fixed", he was a person wondering why his friends were acting so strange around him. Confused, and desperate for an answer for the distance between them.

And if all he witnessed were his friends trying to change who he is, how would he feel then?

Cole would push those feelings down and just live with Jay as he is, and eventually, things would feel normal again, even if they were never the same.

"But how do you know what he wants?" he questioned.

Nya's head pinned to Cole's eyes, and the distance between them felt uncomfortably close, but also so distant, because they seemed to be taking this so differently. "Excuse me?"

Cole sighed harder, trying to make his tensed shoulders fall back down, but Nya spoke first, her words filling the gap between them stood in that kitchen. "How-how do I know what's good for him? I-I, I'm his Yang!" she pressed her fingers to her chest, trying to feel that love for him, feel that being his Yang was still a reality.

It was, she knew it would always be.

She loves him.

Or, she loved the version of him left before the Merge, and all she had been doing was pretending he was someone else.

"I don't mean what's good for him…" Cole put his arms in the air, trying to calm the tension, he knew Nya was tired, irrational and angry, because so much was happening and she couldn't handle it. She needed a hand, a familiar face to remind her that things aren't as different as they seem.

"I…I mean, do you think he wants to see us trying to change who he is?"

Nya had never answered his inital question, and now at this one, she still hung her mouth like she was ready to spill all her truths, but nothing came out, and she realized she didn't know at all, or didn't know Jay.

"I don't…" uncertain words only left her mouth after the silence flew around for a few seconds, letting the thought linger and cut into her soul. Though, her chest was pumping slower, and her clenched fists were loosening at what Cole said. It all just seemed so complicated, too complex, and there wasn't just one solution like she wished there would be.

His hands slipped down to his side and Nya did the same, her eyes wide and pupils shaking. Cole pulled his hair back and breathed an even deeper sigh.

"Let's just…get some air."

—

The sky was starting to brighten, and a fused-together table set facing it, Cole took a seat and Nya instinctively followed, despite anger and confusion still being all she felt. He looked down at his fidgeting fingers and tried to not let his panic slip, or her composure slip away. "I know that…we always have some miracle, it's- it's crazy! Like when Zane got his memories back in the Never Realm just like that." he clicked his fingers, then sighed and fell deeper into the seat.

"Somehow, we always come back from something we thought was impossible, even death!" he continued sinking deeper into the chair, trying to conceal his shaky voice. Nya flinched, but sunk deeper too, she looked away from him and into the sunrise, because she hated the look on his face that wasn't completelt plagued by fear and regret like her.

She took a deep breath in, and noticed how Cole didn't look at her either, like he knew she didn't want anyone to spot her emotions, especially after slipping back there.

"Yeah…so, so we can-" her words jumped and jolted, Cole's sentences seemed like they were in support of her wishes, but when she tried to come up with the solution, all ideas slipped away because she knew they were so far out of reach.

Gripping the arm rest, Cole looked further up, trying to gather more input than the beating of his heart or the scratchiness of Nya's voice.

"But things might not always turn out the way we want them to."

She flinched harder that time with his words, and found her body already rushing, immediately, her head felt hot, her fingers felt weak as she gripped the side to pull herself up. She looked away from the sunrise for a moment, hoping to look at Cole, fight to disregard his words, because how could that ever be the case?

Things would always be solved, everything was just a matter of time.

That is what she believed with her whole heart, because her and Jay meant so much to each-other, he loved her too much to not return to normal, bring them back together. When she turned her head, she expected Cole to look sad, remourseful at his words. He was just saying those things to calm himself, it could never what he actually believed or hoped to happen, of all people, she thought Cole would understand.

But when his face came into view, it didn't show much at all. It was blank, empty, and it didn't seem like he cared at all.

Looking at him, it seemed like he thought this was all normal, and they should just accept how the world is treating them. "What do you-" she huffed, twisting herself to him, itching closer. "We can fix this." her voice wasn't strong enough, it didn't sound like the passion she'd always had to fight for what she wanted.

"Stop believing things will always turn out the way you want them to, please!" he interrupted, it sounded like he tried to shout, but he never found himself reaching that point. However, it still silenced her, it was more assertive than he usually was, more desperate.

Her eyes watered, her arms weakened, and her heart had jumped higher, but was already slowing once she fell back to the chair, turning away from him, now looking more at the spans of junk around, and not the sunrise surrounding them. The lost items piled high, blocking the hue of the sky around them, she wanted to feel something more. she wanted to remind herself of when they sat on those steps, but even that memory felt foggy, and the gap between them had only shrunk for a second.

"You've always been like this, y'know? You're always fighting hard to get what you want, and, well, it usually works, but- but this is against your control, Nya." he turned to her, but she still looked the other way. "This is Jay's fight, he'll learn to forgive himself for what he did, we just have to be there for him."

Nya tensed, the view of the junk and lost items grew blurry as more tears scavenged through her eyes until they finally found their way out.

She couldn't handle it, but she knew this wasn't her choice.

Jay was the one suffering, he was the one that had lost his memory, been manipulated and lied to, shattered his goodness, and if he regains those memories, it's him who will have to suddenly deal with knowing that he did that, he hurt the people he loved. Nya already knew of everything that happened, she had the time to process that Jay had done all of those things, and while it would always hurt, it wouldn't be suddenly thrust upon her like it will to Jay.

"So-" she hiccuped, and rubbed her face, her lips quivered and it felt like she just wanted to slip further into that chair, hide away from the cruel reality. "So we just go with the flow?"

She now looked away from the views, the junk piles that reminded her of Jay, where he probably played in his parents' junkyard, inventing something after the next, now, she looked into her lap where her knees were pulled close.

All she wished for is to go back to the beginning, when they were kids, where he asked her if she liked blue even when he couldn't speak. She wished she could see him invent something new, like he used to do in the early days of the team, make a new wing-suit and see it work this time.

"Yeah." Cole sighed, and leaned forward. "But…not exactly, we have to tell him, we can't wait around for him to find it out himself."

Nya wanted to protest, she wanted to beg the universe to not let him remember those awful things, and let him just be happy, just be himself.

Putting a fist to her face, she realized she couldn't protest at all. This time, just like when she woke, she couldn't cry, nothing released from the number of emotions piled on top of each other. And it was because this was the reality, and it wasn't hers, it was Jay's, and he would have to live through knowing what he did.

It would take him a while to forgive himself, he would be hurting, he would hate himself for the things they all knew he couldn't control. But…he would get through it, and she would too.

"I'll…I'll be there." she stated, turning to Cole, not to his face but at his hands crossed over. Though, at the top of her vision, she saw a smile, and heard a small hum of acknowledgment.

"Go with the flow." She repeated to herself.

That is what she would have to do, if Jay felt angry, sad, full of regret, or anything else over what he did, she would have to face it with him. She couldn't prevent that sadness, the anger, or ignore anything that was a result of his shattered goodness. It is there, it is real.

And maybe it would always be scary.

She frowned, she knew this was reality, but nothing could ever make her believe this is the best choice, or that it had to happen. Fidgeting with her hair, she continued staring at Cole's hands, the firmness of them, how every part of him seemed so sure of this, that things wouldn't crumble permanently.

Advice so certain, words so sure, she understood why he was the rock of the team, why he led them back when it first began. His advice made sense, no matter how scary it was, or how it opened up such an uncertain future.

"Geo told me, back when Jay was still in the coma, that no matter what, goodness shattered or not, he's my friend." he explained, filling the minute of silence.

Nya perked up at the sudden words of advice, the ones still so certain and mature.

Jay was still at the Monastery, still her Yang, and he still considered her that too, even if his goodness was shattered, and he was harboring some confusing anger inside. He was still Jay, and that would always be, even if all of his memories dissapeared. However, every single day, she tried to find that feeling, the beating of her chest when they touched hands or even stole a quick glance into each other's eyes.

But it was never there, it was only a dull, distant feeling, and she was trying so hard to reach it.

Since he woke up, and the team slowly uncovered more signs of his shattered goodness, she had spotted how divided everyone was. How she felt so isolated in her view of this, how angry she was over what Kai had said a few days before.

That he was happy the Merge happened.

It felt wrong, like he was saying he was happy Jay was stranded, without his memories, and manipulated by their enemies. But as she listened to their conversation as they stared at the grand view, the span of the mountains, and Jay seemed in awe, she still felt angry, so pent up on what she'd only half-heard.

But his voice was soft, his voice full of curiosity and wonder only at the sight of a sky.

And she realized what Kai was feeling, and it was the same as Cole just said.

"I'm always gonna be his friend, and you're always going to love him."he turned to her, a larger smile than ever on his face.

She knew what Jay was feeling then, and it felt so different to what she was. He was looking at the sunset, so new to him, and he wanted to get out of there and explore, discover, invent. However, she looked at the sunrise here, only thinking of the past, what they used to think about that sky together. Pushing her knees further into herself until her chin could rest on top, she turned to Cole too, matching that smile that was so sure of how to feel.

"I'll keep… " she crossed her arm and twriled her hair, "I'll keep being there."

Chapter Text

"Cole, the stove! You left it on!" Geo's voice screeched behind them, he stood in the doorway bare-feet, dressing gown on. The mutual, calm silence was interrupted as Cole leaped from his seat and rushed inside, Fritz and Spitz stood below Geo, jumping up and down as smoke crowded the inside.

"Oh gosh!" he stumbled up the steps and into the kitchen, leaving Nya outside frozen, fresh tears she'd tried to resist falling, but now, a smile escaping her at the chaos of the scene. "Sorry, sorry, Geo, grab a towel!"

Nya followed, slowly dragging herself up the stairs to where the rest of Cole's family rushed around, Bonzle laughed to the side, staring at the smoke fogging up room and holding the kids back from the stove-fire.

And it reminded her of of the team, of Jay, of who he can be again if she got over every one of her fears, the things that held her back from the person she's supposed to love. Like when Jay tried to blame the electrical fire he caused on Kai, the fighting, the shouting, the chaos of packing for the trip to the Pyramid. "Is it…usually this crazy?" she laughed to Bonzle, who watched Cole wet a towel and cover the fire.

Geo panicked while he himself tried to calm the situation, he grabbed a jug of water and attempted to splash it on the fire, Cole tried to hold him back as the fire started to dim, and the smoke left through the window, "Geo! No- you don't-"

"A lot of mornings start like this, yeah."

Taking a deep breath, she realized that this could be possible again - for the team to act like some reckless kids again, Jay could argue over games, set fire to the training course, maybe just be free again. If Jay returned, then the whole team might feel like this again.

—

"I'm gonna go back, try to be there for Jay." she opened the door, her bag in hand and ready to go through the Portal Gate, ready to run straight for Jay. She would fix things, she could get over the fear that froze her, she would try to hide the fears for Jay, to not let him live in constant questioning.

So she had to rip off that band-aid and try to look him in the eye.

Cole huffed, still catching his breath from the ordeal a small while ago, then shot a smile to her. He looked up and noticed her tight grip of the bag, her hand in a sharp fist, and her back straight and tall. "You go, here, take this, Geo's been baking muffins." he wiped his forehead and handed her a muffin, one she suspected was awful and dry like the cupcakes he made yesterday.

"Ha- oh, okay, I'll eat it on the way home…"

When she tried to leave, Cole stopped her by the wrist and jolted her back inside, pulling her into an embrace, a tight, firm hug as he dug his face into her shoulder, she felt him take a large breath, until he whispered into her. "I know you'll both be okay."

Those words still scared her, because she still didn't exactly know what okay meant now, if "okay" was making things how they were before the Merge, she wasn't even sure if that was possible.

But she still followed with the hug and hoped she could embrace a family, any sense of closness to anyone for a moment as her arms wrapped around his back. "I- thank you, Cole."

—

"Hey, Jay, Zane said you're okay to leave the med-bay today, you wanna go now? I'll go get him." she leaned in to kiss his cheek, then remained close to his face with a smile.

It had been eight days since Jay woke up, and more than two weeks since the day they found him, unconscious under that boulder, where they thought they'd still have to deal with an amnesiac, stubborn Jay, who despite anything, wouldn't believe they knew him.

And it had been far too long since the day they encountered him at the Tournament, until he slipped away again.

But Nya felt okay, she was glad that at least he remembered her, at least, even in a confused brain, he believed they were still the same as usual, and nothing had ever changed, except from this rough bump that is this injury, and the memory loss that came with it.

He was okay, he was recovering, Nya believed that one day, even she wouldn't think about this problem, up to now, it felt like a ninety degree cliff she had to climb with no ropes, and with every small mistake, it would lead her back to the bottom. Now, after rushing back to the Monastery that morning after the conversation with Cole, she felt like things would be better, and that cliff would turn into a hill.

Then one day, they would just be a flat plain, where she could still see his smile and hear his laughter even if they were so far away.

She'd returned to the Monastery while the sun was still setting, not bothering to change out of her pajamas, and rushed her way back to the portal gate. Then, there Jay was, still sleeping, peaceful, and recovering, and it looked like maybe his goodness was de-shattering itself.

But she felt like she was ready to accept it in the unlikely possibility that his goodness wouldn't stay shattered, right?

Seeing Jay sleeping, his eyes closed, not tight, not struggling, it didn't look like he would wake up to a nightmare like she had. Maybe those nightmares he had were over, just a short phase? She wouldn't have to control and comfort a screaming, delirious Jay in the middle of the night, struggle to do so just for Jay to forget it all in the morning.

It filled her with optimism, and suddenly, it felt like she could talk to him as normal.

"Yeah."

Even his dull, short responses didn't panic her, whereas a few days ago, they would have made her overthink. Now, this was just his exhaustion, the head injury, or he was just struggling with the amnesia, and they would get through it together, because everything would be okay.

Not everything, as Cole had explained, but this one would, this one was already getting better.

—

"Take it easy, use the crutch to walk." Zane listed, as Jay sat idle on the edge of the bed. Nya grabbed at him each time he moved as if he would collapse in on himself at the smallest gust of wind.

He wanted to push away, to tell her to back off, but he knew that was wrong in his mind, or heart, or even just anywhere inside, it was whispering that he shouldn't do that. The whispers of advice didn't feel like his conscience, it felt like an invasion trying to instill their will onto him, and he was helplessly complying. "You should be okay to walk on your own in a few days."

Like he would fall apart if her wide smile fell to something neutral, she stayed just like that constantly.

Zane's hands rested close as he got up, never touching, but Nya's grabbed tight, they dug into his shoulders, pressed hard, her softness turned sharp, like he was in her grasp and not her steady support.

But he was grateful, he wanted her there, he needed her.

He had to keep telling himself that, because for once, she looked happy, her smile didn't look forced and her voice didn't have that subtle tremble that the others didn't believe he could pick up on. That belief they had probably came from their strange idea that he was severely injured, and needed to be cooped up in the med-bay for the past week. Jay knew he didn't need to, he could have left, he was able to walk, and somehow, he was very okay for being in a week-long coma.

Jay believed Nya wasn't trying to do this, he thought it was just his own imagination, so he pushed forward, and tried to imagine it was the same, and when he couldn't, he focused on Zane's gentler, safer arms.

"You should be walking without the crutch soon." Zane analyzed, smiling with his fingers to his chin, he passed him the crutches, which he sloppily adjusted to his stance. While he wasn't affected much by his injuries, being bed-ridden for a week made walking feel unusual. "Perhaps in five to seven days."

"Oh, that's…great." he smiled, it was small even though he really was happy, but every ounce of emotion that begged to be let out was blocked by something: smiling felt wrong, it felt alien.

Again, sharpness launched onto his shoulders, he felt the fingers on his collarbones, they scratched, and he felt trapped, because there Nya was, gripping onto him like he would run away. Through the harsh grips, her smile remained too genuine, he knew through their life togethet that this was her real smile, her voice didn't show any hidden feelings, it was just her, but the familiarity was suffocating.

Hunching forward, he tried to keep steady, tried to keep his eyes wide and mouth as upturned as he could. Hair came into view, it swayed onto his cheek; soft, as usual, thick, wavy, comforting, like a hand brushing hair from his face.

A kiss to the forehead, a warm hand touching his cheek.

Just like the dream, it felt familiar, like something he had experienced before, but all that came from that recognition was a sense, a feeling, and not any visuals, or even sounds.

Darkness, buzzing sounds, he's lifted into someone's arms.

"Then you'll be in tip-top shape." she finished.

Every syllable was a leap, a shout of hope that sounded like it was trying to dig deep inside him, each word was a desperate message to him, as if the world was trying to prove him wrong about something, and he didn't know what.

"Guys! It's Jay… help!"

Her voice rejoiced, and she leaned forward into his back, deeper into his touch until she could feel her warmth, feel the breath that left after each word, this time, not a shaky, staggering block as it had been before, or a desperate scream he felt stab through his ears. Once again, it was genuine, from her mouth at least, but they weren't genuine to him, he questioned if he agreed.

But Nya sounded so happy, he didn't want to ruin it for her, but his thoughts left his mind anyway.

"And…my memories? Will they come back?" he spoke to the ground once he was steady on the crutches, and Zane's cautious arms had pulled back, but her hands remained tight, secure, as if she had to make sure he wouldn't slip away.

Though they dug into him, her touch still felt distant, despite the genuine smile, the happiness in her voice, it felt more different than anything since he woke up.

"We do not know if you will recover your memories, but for now, focus on recovering and resting." Zane grabbed his shoulder, and Nya's fell down, his touch was reasurrance to him, a comfort that he didn't have to worry about recovering his memories when he was still out of shape. However, Nya's touch felt like it was reasurring her, and whenever she let go, she was slipping again, falling back into the way she'd been acting up until now.

But he wanted to run away, he wanted to be alone, even from Zane's comforting hand on his shoulder, his kind words and genuine looks, he wanted to shelter himself from everyone acting the same as usual, or their sudden shifts in personailty. He wanted to go, to do what he wanted and not have to stumble on the cruthces as two people watch every step he takes.

"Yeah, 'kay." he mumbled, and followed Zane to his room, but once again, he didn't look up, he didn't pay attention to the half-empty walls, the quietness left by Cole still being in that other realm, Wu not making them train. The floor creaked, it had aged, and he wasn't there to see that it had.

He wished things hadn't changed, but now that they have, he just wanted to go.

Because maybe he changed, he felt it every moment, and he knew the others felt something too, especially when he thought about Kai and Lloyd's petrified faces when he held that Gi.

"I'm going to be with you every step of the way, okay, Jay?" she voiced from behind, and he didn't respond. Every step felt draining, but not because of his tiredness, nor the injury, it was something else.

One foot in front of the other, it felt like a task that had to be done, something that was demanded of him yet again, the commanding and harsh voices told him to mold the way his feet took a step into something acceptable. He didn't know where the voices came from, whether they were from himself, or the looks of everyone around him.

He was faking, every moment of every day, and he barely realized it.

—

He wished things hadn't changed, but now they have; at least, something about him has changed, and the reason he was so paranoid at their actions was the trick of his own mind.

But when he stepped into his room, everything was turned upside down. When he pictured his usual room, it was exactly what stood before him, but that didn't mean that was what he expected to see. Opening the door, he thought he'd see something so vastly different, considering he had forgotten about years of his life, and now, feel like something different.

But it wasn't different anymore, it was exactly like he had pictured it in his head, and that felt uncomfortably distant to himself.

Looking around, everything was the same as he pictured, what he thought his room had been left like from the last time he remembered, years ago. The bed was made, but not as neat as any of the others did theirs, wrinkled and falling from one edge, Mister Cuddlywomp, the ragged, worn, and old stuffed animal that he still kept on the bed no matter how old he got. Stitched up, on its last days, but there it lay, in the same place he'd left it.

He knew every detail of the room, and had been prone to remembering where he left a candy bar, money, or anything of value in case someone like Cole or Kai snook in and stole it. His memory was great, he knew this is how he left it.

The desk was cluttered, but it was an organised mess, while each week had a new system, he remembered that system as each week went by. But the mix of black and blue pens on the left, and the rulers plopped into a coffee cup, it was all the same, and he knew where to look for each thing on that table.

But if he had lost his memories of the last few years, wouldn't he be unfamiliar with the layout of the desk? Wonder when he put up a new poster, as he did often, or be stumbling looking for something he'd lost? The teddy bear would have been more worn, possibly already burst open, but it looked just as it did the last time he not-so-shamelessly hugged it in the night.

It hadn't worn, it was the same, the only differences in the room were a few posters hanging from a corner, the weight finally giving in away from the wall, and the layer of dust revealed by that sunlight. He felt like he would sneeze, and that wasn't right, Jay was always prone to sneezing when there's dust around, he always had to make sure to dust, even if it was such a hassle.

He could barely see the faces of the movie characters obstructed by the age of the dust, like his room hadn't been dusted for years, neglected, left behind.

Silence; Nya hung to the back of him, he thought she was probably trying to reach for him, grab him and shelter him from all the questioning rushing through him. Zane stood by his side, and looked at him from the side as he continued to stare at something too familiar.

He hated seeing all the differences, the quieter demeanour of Nya, the new members of the team, the members gone, more distant, even the slight re-arragement of furtniture bothered him. It all reminded him of what he had forgotten, and how these small shifts were something he found impossible to adjust to.

But he didn't know what he wanted to see when he was making his way to the room, something new or as usual?

Seeing something that felt like it had always been should have comforted him, it should have reminded him that not everything in the world has changed, and even if Wu is dead, the team more distant, his room would be there. His bed would be waiting for him, his life still in-tact.

Now, when he was in that room, seeing it as it usually would was not what he wanted.

It was an expectation, another thing he had to live up to.

A reminder of someone who didn't have to survive day by day, and was used to the world around him.

The room belonged to someone else, he wanted to get onto the bed and lay down, finally rest on a mattress thicker than the one in the med-bay, but he couldn't. He didn't move, he kept standing there, hunching forward further, gripping the handles of the crutches, his injured leg lifted up a few inches.

His two feet couldn't rest on the ground of the Monastery, on the floor he should be comfortable with, where he could remember which board creaked and woke up the others. Again, he was drifting, and the room didn't feel like his, he didn't feel an urge to admire the posters and talk about his favorite movie, he didn't feel like he wanted to do anything.

"Jay…?" Nya asked cautiously from behind, but for once, there was something other than that pure, unfiltered happiness. Nervousness slipped through, so he turned to Zane and forced a smile too, as she tried to not let herself slip away.

"Can I just…be alone for a minute?" He exclaimed, his head turned to Zane but not making eye contact. The only person he could force himself to make eye contact with was Nya.

Not because of comfort, like she was the only one he could be himself with, it was because he felt like he had to. Nya was doing the same, smiling every moment that day, barely faltering, and he felt pressured to do the same.

Not out of love, out of fear, because something in the way her black hair swayed as she turned her back to him felt familiar, intimidating, harmful and violent.

"Yes, take your time." Zane replied, turning away immediately.

But he still felt her back there, watching, her eyes wide and scared as if he just said he wanted to burn down the place. Her breaths, her chest rising, her hands wanting to grab him but only being wrapped by the cold, dusty air instead.

He wanted to go, he wanted her gone, he had to tare down the room, because everything being so familiar felt so…unfamiliar? It shouldn't be the same, he should have a poster of the next film he's obsessed with, a new doodle on the table, but there wasn't.

In the completely different world, just this was the same, like he'd stepped back into his old life, where he didn't question every part of himself.

Thankfully, he heard a whisper from Zane telling her to come too, and she did.

But then, he would be alone, just him and all that was left of the world he once knew. Then, he would be left alone to face it, solitary to be strangled by the expectations of this stranger.

Would he even have the courage to sit on the bed? He couldn't even register as his own. He knew things felt different about himself and the world, he just didn't expect such a striking, strangling feeling as soon as he stepped into another room.

And with Nya feeling better, he wanted to feel better too.

"No wait- Zane, can-" he shook, and gripped at his pants. "Can you stay?"

Feeling the expression of Nya from behind, he felt like he should change his mind, let her stay too, because they were always meant to support each-other through everything. But he couldn't do that anymore, she felt so far away, she didn't feel like his. Nya had been happy, he didn't want to disappoint her and ruin things more, things would just feel more different then.

But he just wanted to be alone, and the most normal thing around him now was Zane.

"Of course."

—

They both stood for a while, Zane lingered to the side but eventually, made his way closer, when Jay didn't react to it, he saw it as an opporunity to put a hand on his shoulder.

Immediately, there was a falter of his breath and a jolt of his back, like he'd just returned to the moment and had to manually breathe again. He sniffled, his mouth hung slightly open, and his eyebrows were raised high, still staring around the room, trying to find something that wasn't so distubingly the same as it was.

Some proof that the ninja really weren't lying to him about something.

But he couldn't find anything, every conversation, every look and second in that Monastery felt off, and gave him more proof that there was something wrong, and everyone knew but him. This lie had something to do with him, and everyone was scared of telling him, they were scared of their teammate, family.

Air slithered out from is body again, forcing itself through the cracks in his throat that only let so little out, he stepped forward, letting go of the crutches. All he could do was walk to find more, he couldn't force himself to remember the rhythm of using the crutches, use the muscles in his arms to lift from the ground, he couldn't control his facial features, like the horrified look on his face.

Zane's gentle hand left his shoulder, but he didn't care, nothing about the team felt comforting, nothing in that Monastery was safe or somewhere to hide away from all the confusion.

But no matter how empty he felt, the tears still trickled down his face.

They'd barely surfaced since he woke up, at least, not around other people. When he woke up from the nightmare that morning, he had done so, looking at the unfamiliar attire he'd found in Lloyd's meditation closet. However, now, in front of Zane, they were splashing down, and he suddenly felt like he had been forced back into whatever laid in that room.

The person that could be sensitive, feel something than just the dullness, the grey and browns that swam through him.

And he hated it, it felt like him, but not at all.

More like who he was.

He needed to wipe the tears, but his hand reached for his face, feeling the coldness that had already surfaced on his cheeks from the air of that old room, and he didn't wipe them away. All his trembling hand could do was stop in its tracks, they felt the goosebumps on his face, let the warm tears wrap around them. Even though he wanted to get them away, he was left paralyzed at their soft touch, the slow fall, the warmth.

They felt like nothing he had experienced in the last week, not like Nya's hands, the panicked, raspy breathing of Lloyd when he rushed to the med-bay, or the cold sting of the air in the room.

"Please, Zane, tell-" he paused, and his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes closed, trying to block the sunlight revealing the age of the room he sleeps in everyday, "Tell me what's happening to me."

Tell me what you're hiding from me.

Spill the lies you're all keeping.

Jay couldn't come up with an answer to anything in his life.

Zane appeared at his side again, this time, further away, but he noticed the way he stopped his hand from reaching him. "Promise me that you will be okay when we do…"

'Please, just tell me what happened.' Jay begged, but that dream felt too out of reach.

He didn't respond, all he did was clutch his fists as his mouth turned into a confused, deep frown, trying to understand the vague messaging of the world around him. The world felt like a puzzle he had to solve, but he didn't have the edge pieces to start him off, he was going in blind every moment, trying to work out who he is and what is happening from the inside out.

"I- I'll be…" he started, but how could he be okay, how would learning what was so wrong with him or the world solve it?

It would only peel open what was wrong, now, it would be exposed, and this time instead of going through the days unaware, he would be forced to live in this truth. He didn't know how he could be okay, how any of these powerful feelings could resolve.

The nightmares, the glimmer of familiarity that comes with them, the voices of his friends that felt like strangers. "I'll try."

Chapter Text

"I'm thinking…we should tell him." Nya exclaimed, with everyone sat in the dining room for dinner. Their heads perked up, but no replies were heard, so her body grew smaller, her shoulders closer to her ears, and her hands gripping her chopsticks even more. Hers were worn, and the wood was so old that it would give her splinters the more she shakily gripped it.

She was terrified, she always had been, even after what Cole had told her, but she knew that she had to fight past it.

Back when she was starting her training as a ninja, she was told that she gives up when things get too hard, since she expects everything to come so easily for her. She realized that this is what she'd been doing with Jay, and the subject of his shattered goodness.

When he'd first woke up and they discovered he'd forgotten all about his time with no memories, Ras, or the Administration, she was already going through how she thought the future would play out. First, he'd recover from his injuries, then, he'd accept that he lost years of his memories, and after that, things would be okay.

She would get over the fear she had about whether he would snap or reveal that his goodness was still shattered one day, and they would go on with life as normal. The team would be together, united, as Wu had told them, like she had said, begging to the team at the Tournament of the Sources when all she wanted to do was abandon the world to find Jay.

But no one followed, and she left Jay alone again.

After dreaming of what could have happened if she caught him before he left, instead of succumbing to her hopeless feelings after the match, she believed that all of those dreams could never happen.

Jay was different, he was confused, emotional, and when she failed to ignore it, he was angry. And sometimes, the looks he gave, the deepness or tone of his voice sounded like how it was back then.

This situation wasn't easy, and she was falling apart because of it, she tried praying to the universe that Jay would just wake up again and be back to normal, or that if she pretended too, or ignored him completely, it would pass. She wouldn't have to face the work of handling his anger, all his questions about what he did to her.

Jay hadn't been "normal" in years, not since before the Merge.

And that version of him had to be slowly revealed, not forced inside of him like a bullet. She couldn't find the old Jay, drag him back, and force the new one to maneuver with it. Or maybe, that was already happening, but it was the new Jay that had been forced into the body and world of the old one.

She took another silent bite as everyone picked at their meal. Zane had recently dropped Jay dinner off: he described him as quiet, distant, worse than usual.

But she couldn't let that affect her, she couldn't let his struggles make her freeze at the idea of simply not lying to the love of her life.

Starting that morning, she had tried to be positive, force a smile around Jay, because she knew this was about him, and he didn't want to keep seeing the people closest to him in so much stifling fear. She was feeling better, but she was still scared, and the uncertainty of the future was still terrifying, because everyone still knew so little. No one knew how he lost his memories, whether it was magical, or something just human, he'd been hurt, and these were the consequences.

The latter sounded scarier, if it was something as simple as a hit on the head, then they really had no clue how to fix it.

At least they knew that shattering your goodness was something magical, and very not-human, so she held onto the hope that there was a flip of the switch to fixing this, like hunting down his goodness and giving it back to him. She was ready for that, she was a ninja, she was used to going on magical, adventurous quests.

But if this was natural, or something that didn't have that kind of physical solution, then she would panic, and she believed she'd start to lose hope again.

They didn't know that for now, so she was okay.

Still, the looks of Lloyd and Kai didn't calm her, and the tower was tipping.

And the moment Kai spoke, it felt like it would shatter to the ground, "Jay found that GI."

Immediately, the sushi slipped from the chopsticks, then they came falling down too, hitting the ground and spilling rice onto her lap, but she was still, she didn't wipe it, didn't go to catch the food and stumble around. Her entire body was frozen, glued to the position she was in before Kai blurted that out.

Every part of her that had managed to crawl to the top was falling back down.

"The what?" Wyldfyre asked, shooting up louder than anyone else, Nya remained silent, clutching the empty chopsticks, and staring out the window, but not letting her eyes focus onto the outside.

At the top of the table, Lloyd was just as quiet as Nya, while the rest of the team let out shuffled sighs and adjusted their position on their seats to distract themselves. "The GI that he wore back when we found him - he got out and found it in Lloyd's closet." he finished before going straight back to eating. It sounded like it was something he just had to let out, and judging from Lloyd's petrified reaction, he wanted the opposite.

He was willing to keep it from everyone, and he was no longer just keeping things from Jay.

"I- I thought we weren't telling anyone!" He rushed to speak, ripping himself out of the silence and shakiness of his body, watching that distance and discomfort at each seat in front of him. But Nya still hadn't moved, she didn't think she could: when Kai spoke, it sounded so casual, so normal once again, and he seemed not as panicked at that idea than the rest of them, but more so panicked at Lloyd.

But, his face was flat, his voice didn't sound happy or hopeful like it did when she overheard him and Jay a few days ago.

This was solemn, a statement, or a warning disguised as something casual. But he was terrified, and maybe everyone in that room was too; even Cole, even Zane, or maybe even Kai, who had snook him out of the Med-Bay himself that day, and acted completely normal around him.

Like none of this was happening.

And it was just an ordinary day, where they didn't sit like this around the dinner table, silently picking at their food, and when a conversation did arise, there was only one constant on everyone's minds.

And the idea of Jay in a conversation dulled the mood, filled it with uncertainty and confusion, until they struggled to speak to each other like they should be able to.

"Why? Lloyd we- we talked about this, I told you we can't keep lying to Jay, and that means no lying to the team too, right?" Kai shot again, his voice bouncing harshly off the walls, as everyone's ears remained sharp, but their voices silent, their minds dull.

Both had shot from their seats and leaned over the table, when Lloyd's plate had tipped over and spilled on and under the table, the team, listening to their harsh tones, only pulled back from the two, sitting on vastly opposite sides of the table. Lloyd's frame remained unstable, his arms clutched into fists that held up his body weight, but they trembled and unclenched as his face scrunched together, and Kai remained staring harshly into him.

"I'm sure we're all…scared, but I agree with Kai, we must tell him the truth." Zane stated, interrupting their silent stares into each-other.

Nya felt her heart drop, and she was already growing smaller, more vulnerable and aware of all the voices and eyes directed at her that expected her to agree with what Zane was saying. She wanted to agree, and she thought her positive attitude was due to her accepting that she would have to tell him, and they would deal with it together, she would be there for him, like she always was.

It wouldn't feel so different, because for all their lives, they always helped each-other through difficult times: this was just another, and slowly, the Jay she knew would unravel.

But when Zane said those words, it petrified her, because it meant it was really happening.

She grabbed the belt of her GI, and twisted it around her fingers, trying not to look at the frozen figures of the team around the table, or the silence that arrived after Zane spoke. Lloyd was still stood, teeth clenched and sweat quickly dripping down his hot face, Kai was falling back down, his breath collecting itself as he stared at Zane. He seemed more content with the idea, but she could still hear the harsh way he tried to steady himself.

However, no matter how frozen or terrified she was, she had to agree with Zane, because she couldn't keep pretending to be content with telling him, she had to know she could handle it. If she couldn't, then did she even deserve Jay?

"Okay." She snapped her head up, "No more lying."

Their fidgeting and shuffling breaths settled down as they all turned to her, expecting a confident face, but all they saw was that she had immediately fallen back down to staring at the table, and distracting herself from the looks. Her hand ran across the table, while her other grabbed her hair.

"I agree, Lloyd. This is just- it's just gonna make us fall apart, we have to be honest with each other." Cole continued, his hands reaching out to Lloyd to calm him enough until he sat down. "You're stressed, and a little irrational, we can handle things for a while."

Lloyd wanted to protest, to beg the others to not tell Jay, because he believed doing so would be the thing that shatters the team even more, but he couldn't. He simply sat back down, breath still shaking and heart still pounding at the idea, but he was complying either way.

All that was left in the room was his shattering breath, and to him, the pounding of his heartbeat in his ears, blasting every second, deafening him to the voice that tried to talk his way. "And we can see you're stressed about- about Arin and Sora too, so just take a back seat to this one." he comforted again, but Lloyd's gathering breaths quickly halted at the mention of those names, and he froze, just like the others.

Cole's hand laid on his right shoulder, soft with his tone but firm with his grip, and stabbing with the names he mentioned, and he wanted to pull away, he wanted to run away from the names, his mistakes, and the decisions that made them leave.

From his teammates to his students, every problem in their lives was his fault, if he had chased after Jay after Nya begged for it, then he wouldn't be like this: if he had went forward on his promises, Arin wouldn't have left.

The team was cracking because of him.

"Arin…and Sora?" he went to speak the same words, but another voice from the front called out instead, it was weak and timid, but it was a shout from the confines of that dining room.

At the front, hanging in the doorway, his arms supported by crutches as one leg hung in the air, was Jay, staring into the room where everyone besides him sat; while tense and awkward, they were all still there, together. To the back was the dark hallway, and it made sense they didn't see him arrive, but the sounds of the floorboards creaking weren't noticed over their voices.

But those voices dissipated when Jay's shaky voice rang through the room, and all their shoulders tensed and breathing flattened when he arrived.

"Oh! Jay!" Kai rushed to speak, the shakiness of his breathing might have been forced away but the tremble in his voice could never be hidden, as the team grew more distant around him, and Lloyd, his little brother, teammate and friend was growing violent at his suggestions.

And all of it started from Jay, that distance each of them had to him had spread from person to person; their collective uncertainty to their other friend had dragged them apart. Each of them thought different, reacted different, and they realized they weren't as united as they thought.

Jay flinched back, but it was eerily subtle, like he was concealing his true reaction, Kai didn't say anything back, didn't rush up to get him, because in the corner of his eye, Lloyd was still shaking, his eyes down-turned, staring at the table because he was too terrified to look at a teammate. In front of him was Nya, doing the same, but at least she was trying to rip her eyes from the mundane details of the wood to the person they should be focusing on.

"How you feeling?" Cole voiced, he stood up and walked to him, leading him to the empty seat at the head of the table.

Jay never responded, his mouth stayed flat, his eyes staring into something no one could figure out what, besides the one whose eyes were still glued to the table - he knew, he could feel them bashing into him.

Zane sat forward too, his hands resting above each-other and a soft smile on his face. "It is good to see you are walking. How does your head fee-"

"Who are Arin and Sora?" The light smiles and a covered up conversation about him were interrupted, Jay didn't bother to care that the others were concerned for him, he didn't thank Cole when he put his crutches aside, nor gave him a single glance.

No matter how much Jay spoke, everything he said seemed like it fell from his mouth like a quiet stream, until it grew in harshness at the wind and became distracting, harsher, feeling louder despite his volume still low.

A few days ago, he was talkative, still sounding like the same Jay, his voice still high-pitched, still playing games in the med-bay or reading comics, then talking about it to anyone who entered.

When he first woke up, despite being told he lost knowledge of the past several years of his life, and waking up somewhere where his home had merged with places once unknow, he still acted the same. He shouted, freaked out, asked if they were being serious and demanded an explanation, like how he always was, like what they would expect.

"Oh! Uh, they're—" Kai tried to answer, while hesitant for a few seconds, he knew he was going to tell him and not spread more unnecessary lies, he was simply cautious of the others who disagreed around him. However, Lloyd got it out first.

"They're…my students, the rest of the team."

All their heads turned his way, he was no longer staring straight down, but now, looking straight to Jay, sat on the opposite side of the table. Everyone waited for him or Jay to say more, Wyldfyre fidgeted, and breathed a deep sigh when Jay looked in her direction.

"But…Arin left,then Sora joined him, and it's my fault."

"Arin…?" Jay shuddered quietly, but everyone felt the tremble, the way he spoke with uncertainty, but not unfamiliarity. He felt something more than just a name, it was like another one of his dreams, but the one he woke from remembering a feeling, but not anything that actually happened.

"Jay?" Nya perked up.

Arin. The name was a thing, a part of a system, it felt like it should be drilled into his memory, it felt natural for him to speak it, but he couldn't remember a single thing about it.

But it was there, and it was torturing him. There was Nya to the side, itching closer, her hands out once again, like they were getting ready to reach inside of him again, grab at his side and beg for

, but he never had any idea what she was begging for.

"How is it your fault?" he deadpanned, and ignored her pesters once again, he hated the concern, the way Zane or even Cole asked if he was okay, as if it wasn't something a friend was supposed to do. Every sentence, from now, felt like a demand, he was now like Nya, who sounded like she was begging or pleading for him. but his words were more violent, commanding, a mission to get what he wanted.

And what he wanted was answers, and he would keep digging. First, it was the topic of Arin and Sora, and the first name being strangely familiar to him, not tormenting like that dream, but also not happy like he believed all the memories of Nya should be: it simply existed, present in his mind.

"Because I-" Lloyd chocked out, aware of the staring, the sternness from the quiet Jay, who he thought was just injured and vulnerable, but scared of him nonetheless. "I couldn't keep my promise, I told him we'd find his parents but- but I never did, and now they're dead."

"Why didn't you?"

More shot from the table, his words more sudden as his need for an answer to anything grew more.

"I kept…putting it off." Lloyd felt like he had to answer, but he didn't choose to do so, it just happened, his voice explained at the tone of his friend, like it was his power alone making him speak.

"Why did you?" he pestered more, blunter, deeper, and the strength of his words made him answer, even if his questions were just a string of whys digging further into him, exposing all that he hid.

"Because so much was happening!" Lloyd cried, while the others beside him were reaching out, but the others beside Jay only held back. "W-with Imperium, the Tournament, saving the world, R-Ras, and- and you and—" he stopped himself when that name slipped out, he didn't want to mention it, not ever, he even thought he would avoid his name if they eventually toldd him the truth.

That name was a deep and vital part of who Jay was today, the reason his goodness was shattered, and every part of him that was untrusting and uncertain was because of the abandonment, how he dissapointed Ras, wasn't strong enough, and was thrown away.

"Ras?" Jay filled the silence with that statement, just like the other name, this was familiar too, but much closer, so much more important. This time, it was that dream, and it seemed like he was just waking up, or the past week since he woke up was the micro-second interruption to your sleep at night, and with that word, he was falling asleep again, into that nightmare.

And he was closer to slipping away every second, but he tried to stay awake, not lose himself before he can ask the questions, but when the air clawed at his neck and the harsh breathing and sniffles of Lloyd pierced his head, he didn't feel like he was in control.

Lloyd and the others' silence meant there was nothing outside to grip onto too, so he leaned forward and tried to concentrate on those uncomfortable, grading sniffles. "But that's not an excuse."

No one offered him comforting words, they only rubbed Lloyd's back, glaring into his back and ignoring the deep, begging voice disguised as having the power to get what he wants. He tried to pretend he was stable, that the tower might have already shattered.

But not from the people around kicking it over, but from the way it was built up, it couldn't handle its own weight, like he couldn't handle his own thoughts.

He didn't understand what he was saying, and why he sounded so harsh, why he felt like he had to command and fight his way for what he wanted to know instead of simply asking. His words were relied on by strength, and not the bond he should have with the people around him. How could his throat close up, and why couldn't he handle being there, around the black hair, the wide eyes, and a feeling that should just be described as Deja Vu.

Why was every thought, movement, word or breath something so important, like he was fighting for the right to do those things?

Asking for permission to stand, to take a step, to look at the sky and smile just because he enjoyed it.

While Lloyd sat there, hunched over, one arm wrapping over his shoulder and another covering his mouth, tears lining the creases and jumping at the trembles, he stood up, grabbed his crutches and thought about each step as he left that room.

"Don't you want some-" Nya jumped up, more food falling from the plate when the table tilted.

"Oh…I-I've ate, Zane already got me something." he paused, concealing the groans as he walked; it was easier to do it this time, the most he could focus on was how it seemed that his presence was something troubling. "Sorry, Lloyd, for bothering you."