Chapter Text
Cleveland, Ohio - Christmas Eve
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a…
The damn song wouldn't stop playing and that only irritated her more. The front of her childhood home exuded too much Christmas spirit. A spirit that Yelena was not in the mood for. The blonde took one last drag on her cigarette, which had done little to calm her anxiety, before stubbing it out on the head of an ugly Santa Claus doll.
“Fucking holidays.” Yelena groans as she searches for the pack of fresh mints she put in her bag before leaving. She takes two and reapplies her perfume before heading to the door.
“Merry Christmas!”
“Lena!” Her mother’s bright smile and relieved look welcomed her. “I was worried you wouldn’t join us this year.” The blonde simply rolled her eyes at Melina’s comment. Why was her family still acting as if her life was over? No one is dead. Well, her dad but that was a long time ago and Alexei never was the father of the year.
“This is what you wear for Christmas dinner, sestra?” Natasha peeked into the living room and made a face of disgust. What's wrong with a pair of jeans and her favorite cardigan?
Yelena sought her mother's support, but instead of scolding her eldest daughter, the retired scientist simply shrugged her shoulders. “Solnyshko, don’t you have any pretty dresses or a suit?”
“Ugh! I’m great, Mom, thanks for the support.”
“Well, your cousin brought home an Elf from the mall.” She saw Ava sitting on the lap of a girl dressed as Santa's helper.
The brunette quickly stood up to hug her. “Hey. Toni, this is my favorite cousin. Yelena, this is Toni.” Ava introduced her companion and sat back down.
“And your nephew pooped in the manger. You missed it, Lena.” Her sister-in-law Wanda came out of the kitchen and gave her a big hug.
Speaking of the devil, Tommy appeared crawling and the older redhead picked him up. “Ugh it’s a tiny poop, and he moved the baby Jesus first,” Natasha defended her son, “why do we even have a manger?”
Yelena noticed Wanda watching her closely and tensed up. “Yelena”, the redhead grabbed her hands and smiled, “Shoot your shot”. The blonde truly loved her sister-in-law but also hated it when she said things like that. Wanda was (as she described her profession) a full-time fortune teller and part-time sitcom scriptwriter. “Sorry, I just needed to tell you.”
“See? Avery said you didn’t call her, do it.” Yelena no longer knew how to put an end to her sister's attempts to find her a girlfriend.
“I’m sorry, but I cannot date a professional clown.”
“She’s a comedian, Lena. And she’s nice. It’s been almost a year, you gotta get back out there.”
She knew her sister meant well, but she didn't need her family reminding her of her romantic failures at every gathering. She didn’t try to defend herself because it was useless at this point so she made her way to the kitchen to get cookies and hot chocolate.
“I mean, no offense but how does she expect to meet anybody when she sits around the house wearing pajamas?” She hears her mom whisper to Wanda.
“It’s called working remote, mother. My boss doesn’t care what I wear as long as I do my job and our reviews are good.” Yelena's grateful to have landed her dream job. She has always loved cooking but her time working in Michelin-starred restaurants left her with traumatic memories and self-esteem issues. She’s happier as a food critic and culinary editor at one of the world's most prestigious food magazines. It wasn't easy to achieve, but she did it. A shame that’s not enough for her family. “He does, however, request that my mother stop FaceTiming me during business hours to show me her pigs or set me up on dates.” Nat suppressed a laugh and returned to the living room with her wife. She didn't want to witness the battle between her mother and her sister.
“You’re still smoking, aren’t you? It’s harmful to your health, solnyshko. Seven million people die of lung cancer each year from smok-” Yelena interrupted her mom’s weekly speech.
“No, mom. I’m not smoking.” Melina looked at her as if to say ‘do you really expect me to believe that?’ “I had a smoky Uber, okay?”
“Well, I understand the holidays can be stressful, statistics show it, but no one wants to marry a smoker… who lies.”
“Well, no one wants a nosy mother-in-law, so I guess that’s three strikes.”
“Woo-hoo! That was a good one, Yelena.” Bob appeared behind her with John, his boyfriend. The blonde still can't believe that her little brother has already introduced someone to the family before her. I mean, not that I care. “Sorry, Melina.”
“You know it’s a holiday when my lovely sister-in-law shows up alone.” John teases her. That little shit has been gaining confidence since Bob introduced them on Halloween.
“Shut the fuck up, John. You’re acting really brave for someone who’s only been here for Thanksgiving. And burned the pie.”
Her brother nudges his boyfriend. “Don’t rub it in, babe. She’s obviously sad.” Yelena looks at him outraged but says nothing more.
“I’m not sad.” She mutters under her breath
“Are you sure? You look really sad.”
Yelena jumps, shocked by the voice of Wanda’s twin and her high school friend. “Pietro! When the fuck did you arrive? Where’s Crystal?”
“Here! Merry Christmas!” The auburn-haired woman was carrying their daughter Luna. “Yelena, are you okay? You look sad.”
“I’m not sad!”
Crystal asks, “Did you call Audrey?” And Yelena leaves the room.
❆❆❆❆
She was already regretting not bringing gloves. The night was really chilly and the snow was falling lightly on her face. Kate closed the door and made sure to lock her car. “Your parents know this is our third date, right?”
The short girl clung to her arm and began walking toward the house. “Katie, don’t worry. It’s no big deal. Actually, I don’ t think they know you’re coming.” Relief invaded her body but that feeling didn't last long. At the front porch, Ellie’s parents were waiting for them with the ugliest Christmas sweaters she has ever seen. “Merry Christmas!”
“Oh you must be Kate. You’re even prettier than in the pictures”
Kate pales. “Pictures?” She hadn’t even followed her on Instagram. The first 30 minutes inside the house felt like a blur and she doesn’t recall being invited upstairs. Now, Ellie’s mother is giving her a house tour.
They’re at her date’s childhood bedroom and Mrs Brown (or Mrs Bradley, she honestly doesn’t remember) is explaining every single trophy Ellie has won.
“This was for Little Miss Strongsville.” The older woman kisses the crown and puts it back in its place as if it were sacred. Kate’s sure she's making a funny face when the lady comes closer and whispers, “Ellie’s dad and I are perfectly comfortable with you two sleeping together here.”
The archer scans the room: bright pink walls, dolls and teddy bears everywhere, shelves with beauty pageant crowns, and a small bed with a princess comforter. No fucking way. “No, it's okay. I won't stay the night.”
The woman’s laugh makes the raven-haired girl feel uneasy, “Nonsense. You’re practically family.”
❆❆❆❆
“So, Aunt Yelena, why didn't you call Audrey?” How miserable she looks to have her 5-year-old niece ask her this question.
“Why didn’t you call Audrey?” She tries to avoid it.
Luna giggles. “Duh, because I already have a boyfriend,” Yelena’s about to stab herself in the neck with her fork, “his name’s Jamie and he shares his juice box with me every day at recess.”
She tries to regain her composure, but it's impossible. “Good for you, Luna. You enjoy it while you can, because one day you’re going to walk outside and you’re going to catch Jamie sharing his box juice with a pilates instructor named Sundae. It hurts, it hardens you. And the next thing you know, you’re 32 sitting at the kids table, numbing the pain with vodka.”
She needs to go out for some fresh air.
Ava follows her and for a few minutes neither of them says anything. Her cousin seems to be the only person in the house who doesn't think she's unhappy. Or at least she doesn't mention it. Yelena’s grateful for that. “Isn't she great?” Ava asks, pointing out the window at Santa's helper playing with Billy, Tommy, and Luna.
“Did someone finally convince you to settle down?”
Ava shook her head laughing. “I love being the single and rich aunt. She’s just my holidate.”
“What’s that?”
“You know, a date solely for the holidays. No commitment.” Her cousin put a hand on her shoulder to get her attention. “Do you want me to ask her if she has a friend?”
Yelena couldn't believe it. She simply went into the house and locked herself in her old room until she was called to open the presents. The living room was full of gift wrappings and her nephews and nieces looked happy opening their presents. At least they were enjoying themselves.
It was her turn to open Natasha's gift and even though she didn't have high expectations, she was still disappointed with what she found in the box. “Oh pajamas!” She tried to sound excited.
“I thought they were so cute and cozy for a girl’s night in. Billy and Tommy approved.” The blonde examined the clothes that were at least three sizes too big for her.
❆❆❆❆
Kate sat awkwardly between Ellie's parents, waiting for the family to finish exchanging gifts. After dinner, Mr. Bashford had pulled her over to the sofa to talk about the football season, a topic the black-haired girl knew nothing about as a loyal watcher of only women's sports and archery.
Instead of rescuing her, Ellie sat down on the sofa opposite and her mother ended up trapping Kate by sitting down next to her. On top of that, they had made her put on a really ugly Christmas sweater that even had lights.
“This is for... Kate!” The archer jumped when she heard her name. They had agreed weeks ago that they wouldn't give each other gifts as they were just getting to know each other. “I hope you like it.”
Kate opened the box, hoping it wasn't anything too expensive. She didn't want to feel bad. “Oh, knives.”
“You said you like knives!” Yeah, knives for throwing, not cutting food.
“These are... kitchen knives.” Kate was a disaster in the kitchen but she decided not to say anything about it. “Thank you.”
The living room fell silent, and Kate caught Ellie's expectant gaze as she not-so-subtly stretched out her arms. “Um, I’m sorry, I thought we weren’t doing the whole present thing.”
“Why did you think that?”
Kate was confused. “Because you said we weren’t doing the whole present thing.”
“Oh I see. So you know me well enough to let me ride your face but you don’t know me well enough to buy me a gift.”
“I could give you some cash. Fifty bucks?” Kate's panicked expression was priceless.
“Fifty bucks? What am I, a prostitute?”
“NO! GOD, NO!” The dark-haired woman took out her wallet and removed all the cash she had desperately.
“I’ll take 100.”
Kate stopped and burst into laughter, “I’m not giving you 100.”
“But we had sex, Kate! Twice! I can’t believe that you didn’t get me a present.”
She stood up from the sofa outraged. “I can’t believe that you ambushed me like this in front of your parents.” She turned to look at the old couple while grabbing her gift. “Lovely evening, guys. Beautiful dinner. Merry Christmas.”
Before leaving the house, she realized she was still wearing the sweater so she tried to take it off quickly. Let’s just say her exit was not as graceful as she planned it.
❆❆❆❆
”Could I have everyone’s attention?” Bob stood up from his seat nervously. “There’s something that I need to say.”
The boy took John's hand and led him to the center of the room. Yelena's face went pale, “Fuck no.”
“Jonathan F. "John" Walker, I know it’s only been 6 months and six wonderful days but I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.” Bob got down on one knee and continued, “Will you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me?”
“Oh my god, yes! Yes, I’ll marry you.”
Everyone looked so happy and Melina was jumping with joy. “Two down, one to go!”
Yelena tried to match the enthusiasm. “Wow this is…awesome. My little brother’s getting married.”
❆❆❆❆
The shopping mall was bursting with people, as is usual in the days after Christmas. Knowing that didn't make it any less irritating.
Yelena had been waiting in the line for exchanges and returns for over forty minutes and the people behind her complaining weren't helping her mood. She was about to give up and come back after the holidays, but her pride wouldn't let her. She had already asked for the morning off from work and she wasn't going back to her apartment until she had changed Natasha's gift. Damn pajamas.
“I’ve been in line for over an hour. Please-” The raven-haired girl with broad shoulders in front of her didn't seem to understand that the shop’s employee couldn't do anything more for her.
“I’m sorry, without a gift receipt I can only offer you a store credit.”
“I don’t want a store credit.”
Yelena's patience ran out. “Excuse me. Come on, some of us have jobs.”
“What makes you think I don’t have a job?”
“You’re at the mall on a Thursday returning useless, cheap knives.”
“I’m sorry, lots of employed people use knives. Wait, what’s wrong with them? It looks like a good set to me.”
“You're wrong. They're made of stainless steel with less carbon, so you'll have to sharpen them more often.” Kate tried to ignore how attractive the blonde sounded as she corrected her like an expert. And that accent…
The archer spoke before it got more awkward. “Ugh, these aren't good for throwing either. The steel’s too hard, so no balance.” Yelena looked at her intrigued for a second before shaking her head and turning to the sales assistant.
“Hi there. I just have a quick return.” She took the pajamas out of the bag.
“Receipt?”
“They didn’t come with a receipt. Just the assumption that I would be alone forever.”
“Nailed it.” Kate muttered under her breath.
“You know what? My Christmas already sucked, so you and your knives can go ‘nail it’ somewhere else.”
“Uh, I need to go check on these.” The saleswoman said with an uncomfortable expression. If looks could kill, Kate would already be six feet under.
Luckily for her, the woman behind them caught her attention. "I'll give you $50 for the knives and a two-for-one ticket to Pretzel.
“Hey, these are worth more than $50. No deal.” Yelena rolled her eyes and tried to ignore the girl, but she kept talking. “If it’s any consolation, I spent my holiday in an ugly Christmas sweater, sipping mocktails with a room full of people who I think were in a cult.”
Yelena groaned, “At least you didn’t sit at the kids table, watch your little brother get engaged or catch your cousin getting her pussy licked by a mall Santa’s helper.”
The saleswoman returned and interrupted Kate's reply. “I'm sorry, they're from two seasons ago. I can offer you a voucher for the current sales price of $4.99!”
“$4.99? Natasha has become so cheap since having kids.”
“It’d be really cute if you cut off the legs, like capri pants,” said the woman behind them again.
Yelena smirked and picked up both boxes. “Sixty bucks for everything.”
“Hey!” Kate complained.
“Like you’re ever using those knives.”
“Fifty.” The woman countered.
Kate beat her to the offer. “Fifty-five! And the pretzels, two-for-one.”
❆❆❆❆
“You don’t want any?” Kate offered her the remaining pretzel.
“I don’t eat that crap. I’d rather make myself real food. Do you know what that does to your body?”
“Yeah, it fills me with warm, delicious happiness.”The archer took a big bite out of the pretzel. “Like Christmas used to, before I realized Santa was a big scam.”
Yelena chuckled, and Kate took it as a victory. “Yeah. Christmas peaked for me at about eight. My parents got me a real cooking set for kids and a ventriloquist puppet named Fanny.”
“Fanny, hmm?”
“It's a private joke with my sister. I spent months learning how to project my voice.”
“Well, come on, let’s hear it.”
“No.”
“Come on.”
Yelena resigns herself and clears her throat. “You’re annoying,” she says trying so hard not to open her mouth.
Kate puts on a fake impressed face. “Great. What happened to Fanny?”
“Oh, she sleeps with me every night.” Kate is about to tease her when a familiar voice calls out to her.
“Hey, Yelena!”
The blonde tries to use Kate as a shield, but it's too late. The girl dressed as Santa's helper has already seen her. “Oh, God!”
“Is that an ex-girlfriend of yours or something?”
Yelena greets Toni embarrassed. “No! That is the chick my cousin brought home for Christmas.”
“That’s the pussy licker?!”
“Tell Ava to call me!” She made a phone gesture and continued working.
“She was her holidate.”
The term caught Kate's attention. “Wait. What’s a holidate?”
“Just someone she picked up at the mall to spend Christmas with.”
“Wait, just Christmas or all holidays?”
“Easter, New Year’s…She’s an equal opportunity holi-dater.”
Kate stood there thinking. “I think that’s what I need for New Year’s Eve.”
“You can try, but this late in the game, she’s probably booked.” Yelena took a piece of pretzel without Kate noticing. Silly archer.
“No. Seriously, I am done casually dating on the holidays. There’s way too much pressure and I always end up being the asshole at the end of the day.”
“Yeah? Well, try being the only single person left in your family. Every time I walk into a room, I’m showered in a sea of pity and sad glances.”
“Well, human beings aren’t meant to be alone on the holidays. We actually need warmth, companionship and someone to drunk-mock strangers with at parties.”
“Ugh, you sound like my mom. I do enjoy drunk-mocking strangers at parties, though.”
“Well, then, this is perfect! We can be each other’s holidate for New Year’s Eve.”
Yelena looks at her in disbelief. “I don’t even know you.”
“That’s what makes it perfect. There’s no pressure, no expectations. I mean… I don’t even think I find you that attractive.” That might be the biggest lie Kate had said in her life.
“Wow! Calm down with the flattery.”
“Not that you’re not attractive! It’s just that maybe… you’re not my type.” Kate tried to correct herself but ended up making things worse. Yelena was definitely her type, but it wasn't something she wanted to admit.
“Goodbye!”
Kate followed her. “Wait a second. You just said that you’re tired of all the sad glances and looking pathetic. And I’ve got two tickets to the Avengers tower party.”
That caught Yelena’s attention. “Wait, really?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s such a fun party.”
“Oh, come on, say yes. I wanna relax, have a few drinks. Not worry about my date going insane if I don’t drop a knee at midnight.”
“What makes you sure I’m not insane?”
“You had me at Fanny. I’m Kate Bishop, by the way.” The younger extendes her hand.
“Kate Bishop…I’m Yelena.”
“Nice to meet you, Yelena. Here are my details.” The raven-haired woman handed Yelena her business card while mentally patting herself on the back for asking Kamala to design them.
“Professional archer? What’s your real job?”
Kate looked offended but let it go. “Just think about it and text me. Let’s go get some drinks if you want.”
“Not texting you” Yelena began walking toward the exit of the shopping mall.
“Think about it!”
❆❆❆❆
Yelena was never going to text Kate Bishop, no way.
She had to finish reading her team's reviews for the article The 20 Best Restaurants of 2024, which had to be published before New Year's Eve. But her mind wouldn’t let her focus on the review of this Sokovian restaurant that Wanda had begged her to try when Yelena was in Europe for a food festival. God, and she also had to submit her nominees for the James Beard Awards that night, before the deadline closed.
A notification beep interrupted her, and she felt partly grateful. However, her relief vanished when she saw that it was a message from her mother.
Mom: [photo] This is Ana. She’s a biologist and has a PhD in genetics and molecular biology. She works in the laboratory with Sonya. I gave her your number.
She banged her head against the table and closed her eyes for a moment to calm down. When she looked to the side, she found the card Kate Bishop had given her. Okay, Yelena, go shoot your shot.