Work Text:
three months
“You owe me sleep, you know.”
Jeno punctuated the words with a tired smile at his phone screen and hoped it was charming enough. A tease, not something that was pulling the soul from his body, thread by thread.
Luckily, Jaemin laughed and nodded, his blond hair flopping. He tipped his head toward his camera like it was a habit to knock heads with Jeno when Jaemin thought he was being cute. It only made Jeno ache for him more.
“I owe you at least a year by now,” Jaemin said, teeth gleaming in the sunlight of his Los Angeles suite. Jeno’s window was dark, the city outside it slumbering through the witching hour. After weeks of trial and error, this was the best time they could call.
Jaemin’s grin faded, slow and steady. “I miss you, love.”
Jeno swallowed down the sorrow eating him from inside out. “I miss you too, Jaem.”
“Three months down,” Jaemin said, “three to go.”
Jeno nodded and didn’t say what he wanted to. That he never knew before now that six months could feel like a lifetime, that six months could fundamentally change who Jeno was to his core.
Getting into a relationship with famous actor Na Jaemin was the perfect arrangement. Jeno valued his alone time, he wasn’t clingy, long distance didn’t bother him. He got to see and be spoiled by Jaemin every few weeks or so, and Jeno was sure they were stronger for it. He loved Jaemin more than he had ever loved anyone, and he knew without a doubt that Jaemin loved him just as much.
Jaemin was shooting two back to back movies and a few TV show cameos across an entire ocean in California, while Jeno continued to live his life in Seoul with their shared penthouse and three cats.
Jeno had been the one to insist, again and again, that Jaemin needed to take this opportunity, that Jeno would be perfectly fine. They would Facetime when Jaemin was available, and text every day. They would even have phone sex. Time would fly by.
Only now, Jeno was the one breaking. He felt the weight of how much he missed Jaemin in every step he took. He closed his eyes and wished Jaemin was next to him. He walked down the street and wished Jaemin was holding his hand. He longed for Jaemin’s mouth on his, for Jaemin between his legs, for Jaemin, every hour of every day.
He was trying to be strong. He was always the one who liked the distance so much. This was why they worked. He couldn’t risk falling apart and Jaemin realizing how weak he was, how incompatible they could be when Jeno was choking on his own heart like this.
One of their fluffy Ragdolls, Lucy, wiggled her way up into the frame, snuggling beneath Jeno’s chin like she knew he needed a little comfort.
“My Jeno,” Jaemin scolded, but he couldn’t keep a smile from his face. “We agreed together the cats aren’t allowed in our bed.”
“It’s just Lucy,” Jeno pouted. “She’s the best cuddler.”
Jaemin laughed, loud and high-pitched. He nodded and leaned closer to the screen, cooing at Lucy, or Jeno, or both. “Lucy,” he sang, “my sweet little angel girl, I miss youuu.”
Jeno gently stroked her soft, white hair. “All the kids miss you too.”
Jaemin’s answering hum was a little sad. He sat back and eyed the camera, suddenly teasing. “She’s a better cuddler than me?”
And Jeno meant his next words to be equally teasing, but he feared they ended up a little too honest. Hoped Jaemin couldn’t hear the desperate longing Jeno was a victim of. “Well, right now she is.”
“Jen—” A door opened on Jaemin’s side of the world, and his eyes cut away from the phone. Saved by the bell.
Jeno stared at Jaemin’s long eyelashes brushing his cheeks, the smooth line of his nose, the curve of his pink lips. The heaviness in Jeno’s chest, crawling up his throat was a curse. Touching the screen, like he could really feel Jaemin’s soft, perfect skin beneath it, didn’t alleviate it at all.
Jaemin smiled brilliantly at whoever was talking to him, then the door clicked shut and Jaemin’s smile dropped completely. The loss of the only light in the world only made Jeno feel worse.
“They’re calling me to set, baby,” Jaemin murmured. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
Jaemin frowned, chewing on his lip. He sighed. “I’ll text you when you wake up. Try to get some sleep?” Jaemin cutely pouted. “For me?”
Jeno’s laugh was a tired huff of air. “For you? Anything.”
“Jen,” Jaemin whined, and his pout seemed real this time. “Shit, I really have to go, but—I love you, darling. So much.”
“I love you too, Jaem. Knock ‘em dead today.”
That brought Jaemin’s smile back, much to Jeno’s relief. “I will just for you.”
Jeno laughed. “Good.”
They hung up, and every ounce of joy left in him slipped away. He laid there for the next hour, trying to remember what Jaemin’s fingers between his felt like.
four months
“You okay, dude?”
Jeno blinked at the drink in his hand. Condensation dripped over his fingers, and the cola burned when he forced himself to take a sip through his bitten-down straw. He set the glass down and wiped his hand on his pants beneath the table.
“Yeah. Fine.”
Mark didn’t say anything for long enough that Jeno started to zone out again. Not that he was trying very hard to stay present, anyway. He wanted to close his eyes more than anything.
When he closed his eyes, he could see Jaemin so vividly, it almost didn’t make sense. Jeno was surviving on old pictures and videos and five minute Facetime calls, yet he could see Jaemin’s face in his memory like he was standing before him in all of his soft, golden, model-like glory.
It was the most vivid thing Jeno had left. Everything else was fading.
“You’re not fine,” Mark said, voice so quiet it slipped around Jeno’s throat and threatened to choke him. “You can talk to me, man. You know that, right?” Mark swept his dark hair back with a restless hand, handsome face pinched.
Jeno almost joked that Mark should just cut all of his hair off if it was bothering him so much; it was Mark’s partner Renjun that wanted him to grow it out. But Jeno couldn’t quite reach that part of himself, the normal part that could pick on Mark and Renjun and Jaemin any hour of the day. Instead, he sat there. He nodded. His voice was absent.
“Jen,” Mark said. “Please talk to me—”
Jeno smiled, but it felt plastic, sharp. “I’m fine.”
“Jeno.” Mark was serious now, voice stern and using Jeno’s real name and all. Jeno was crumbling. “Jeno, baby, we’ve been here an hour and you’ve barely even…noticed. I’m worried about you. Is it—is it about Jaemin?”
Jeno’s heart tugged in multiple directions, reaching, longing for Jaemin, regretful, remorseful for how he was treating his best friend in this very moment. Mark deserved better than Jeno being sad and distant all over their burgers and friendship. But the mere mention of Jaemin was undoing the little strength Jeno had left.
“Jen…” Mark said one more time, gentle, pleading.
“I don’t—” Jeno took a sharp breath and shook his head. “Mark, I feel like I’m dying.”
Mark’s response was immediate and steadfast, just like him. He rounded the table before Jeno could blink, dragging his chair with him to sit next to him. “Oh, baby…” He rubbed Jeno’s back, and Jeno’s shoulders inched toward his ears the harder he fought the rising sorrow.
“Mark, I—I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m the main one who was okay with the long distance thing. I’m the one who always says it’s why me and Jaem work. I like being alone. It was the perfect set up for me.”
“And now?”
Jeno shrugged. “It started out small. I just—started to feel like a piece of me was missing. But it kept growing and now I feel like—like all of me is missing. It hurts, Mark. Being away from him. But I can’t—he can’t know. It’ll ruin everything.”
Mark slipped his fingers from Jeno’s back to his hair, gently massaging over his scalp. Somehow, it only made Jeno feel worse. “Jen, why would this ruin everything?”
“Because.” Jeno shook his head, burning eyes trained on the puddle around his cola glass. He couldn’t cry, he wouldn’t, not like this, in front of Mark, in front of strangers. He couldn’t let himself be this weak. “I’m perfect for him for the same reasons. If I go crying to him about him being gone so long—it’s his career, Mark. I don’t want him to think I’m trying to get in the way of that. Or that I’m just—clingy and can’t handle this when I insisted he accept this deal.”
“He will not—Jen.” Mark’s thumb slipped over Jeno’s earlobe, gently rubbing it. “You need to talk to Jaem about this.”
“No.” Jeno couldn’t stop the way his body seized up and started to pull away from Mark. But Mark was persistent, and his hand followed, continuing to stroke Jeno’s head like he was a cat. “Mark—I will ruin everything.”
Mark sighed. “Babe. He’s not going to break up with you or resent you because you miss him. I know he misses you like crazy too. He’s just acting strong, I bet, for you.” Jeno shook his head, even though it wasn’t that far-fetched to believe, but Mark kept talking. “Maybe if you talk to him, he can fly you out there for a while or something.”
“So I can just be the desperate loser boyfriend following his fame around?” When Mark sighed again, Jeno sagged. “Sorry. I just…I don’t fit in with his scene. I don’t really want to either. It’s so overwhelming.”
“You don’t have to go and be paraded around with him, you know. Jaem would be happy just to have you there, even if you spent all your time together at his place.”
Jeno didn’t know why he was so resistant to this, but he was tensing back up. He didn’t want to be this way, so fucking lonely it was killing him. He didn’t want to need Jaemin the way he did now. He didn’t want to get in the way of Jaemin’s life and career and passions. He didn’t want Jaemin to worry.
“He gets called in so much,” Jeno said, voice weak.
“You would still get to see him, dude. You’d at least have nights with him, right?”
Jeno shrugged, helpless and hopeless. “But the kids…”
Mark scoffed like he was offended. “Uh, Junnie and I can look after the cats. Duh. It’s no biggie. Junnie would probably move in to take care of the cats if y’all let him.”
That got a small laugh out of Jeno, and Mark’s more hearty one filled him with a little of the warmth he was missing. “Thanks. Just…not right now. I can handle two more months.”
“Jen—”
“I’ll think about it, okay?” Jeno risked looking at Mark and hoped his eyes weren’t red or glassy. “Just not right now.”
Reluctantly, Mark nodded and gave the back of Jeno’s neck a squeeze. “Alright, dude. But we’re hanging out for the rest of the day and—don’t look at me like that—and if you ever start feeling this bad when you’re alone, please call me. Okay? Me or Junnie or both of us will come hang out and keep you occupied, yeah?”
“Sure.” Jeno nodded, though they both knew he wouldn’t reach out. “Thanks, Mark.”
“How was your day, love? Hm? Tell me all about it.”
Jeno forced his eyes wide, willing himself to be more awake than he was. The witching hour was a little harder to keep up with after Mark forced him to gallivant around the city all day. But he would not be the reason this video call ended early tonight. He needed every second of Jaemin’s perfect, pixelated face he could get.
He smiled, unsure if it looked real enough. “Mark kidnapped me.”
Jaemin laughed, and that alone was stronger than any caffeine Jeno could get his hands on right now. The crinkle of his eyes, the almost inhuman width of his smile. Jeno felt like he could lift a car seeing it, yet he also wanted to cry.
He would not cry.
“Good for Mark, then. Do anything fun?”
Jeno shrugged the shoulder he wasn’t lying on. “We tried that new diner that opened up nearby. It was good.” Jeno barely remembered how the burger tasted. He ate on autopilot. “I wanna bring you when you get back.”
He swore Jaemin’s eyes sparkled as he leaned toward the camera. “It’s a date.” He gave the camera a loud, smacking kiss, and Jeno’s laughter sounded a little too close to sobbing. Keep it together, Jeno, for fuck’s sake. “What else, love?”
Jeno buckled in to tell Jaemin about their day, the stores Mark dragged him to, the sweets they indulged, the street food they tried. Jeno felt like a ghost through most of it, but he tried his best for Mark, and he tried his best right now to make it sound like he had all the fun in the world.
Even if he was embellishing a little bit, this felt kind of incredible. It was a tiny, tiny piece of what Jeno needed to feel whole again. Talking to Jaemin like this for longer than two minutes, pulling smiles and laughs and coos from his lips and imagining they were right next to each other again. Jeno tried not to think about the difference, that if Jaemin were actually next to him, they would be touching, mindlessly or mindfully, it didn’t matter. They were always touching.
“I’m so glad you had fun, baby,” Jaemin said, so sincere Jeno suddenly felt wrung out. “It makes me so, so happy. When will Mark kidnap you again, hm? Did you take any pictures? I want to see!”
Jeno did take pictures, all with the intention to send them to Jaemin, but something stopped him every time. That was more Jaemin’s thing, sending pictures of random things he found, or sunsets he thought were pretty, food he liked that he wanted to try making for Jeno when he came home. Jeno sent heart emojis and maybe the occasional photo of the cats because they were Jaemin’s first—Jeno was just their step-dad—and he knew Jaemin missed them just as much as he missed Jeno.
“I’ll send you some,” Jeno promised, voice soft, weak. “I think Mark wants to—”
A knock sounded on Jaemin’s side of the world, and Jaemin’s eyes shut. He was very still for a short moment, then his shoulders rose and fell with a deep breath. When his eyes fluttered open, they were guilt-ridden and glassy and Jeno’s heart shattered.
“Hold on, love.”
Jeno nodded, trying to come up with an excuse to end the call now, but Jaemin had already stepped away. Jeno couldn’t take Jaemin feeling guilty. He didn’t want Jaemin to feel bad. Jeno was fine. Jeno could handle this.
He couldn’t hear what the person at Jaemin’s door was saying, but he very distinctly heard Jaemin ask, plead, “Can it wait ten more minutes? Please? Please?” and Jeno had to squeeze his eyes shut to contain the pain that ripped through his chest.
The door clicked shut, but it was a long moment before Jaemin came back to his phone. “I’m sorry, Jen,” he said when he sat down, and he suddenly looked so fucking tired. Like whoever was at the door had sucked every ounce of energy in his body right out. “I—I have to go. Um. Send me those pictures, yeah? I’ll text you when you wake up like always.” His voice was low and shaking, making panic seize Jeno’s heart.
“Hey, baby,” Jeno said. It was a miracle his voice sounded mostly normal. “It’s okay. I understand. Don’t worry about me, just—just go knock ‘em dead like you always do.”
Jaemin looked up toward the ceiling, eyelashes wetter every time he blinked, and Jeno forced the burn in his eyes away. He couldn’t break. He couldn’t make Jaemin’s guilt worse by being so weak.
“Anything for you,” Jaemin promised just before he looked at the camera again. No tears fell, but Jeno wasn’t convinced they wouldn’t. “I love you—so much, Jen. So much. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“I love you…too…” Jeno tried to say, but Jaemin ended the call.
Jeno rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling until the sun rose.
A couple of weeks passed, and Mark kept good on his word, even though Jeno didn’t. The problem with Jeno opening up at all was that now Mark was paying attention. It didn’t matter if Jeno called. Mark was checking in more than he normally would. Sometimes, he and Renjun showed up on Jeno’s doorstep unannounced, like they knew Jeno was sinking.
Jeno was grateful, of course he was, but it was also piling on to the already mountain-high guilt he was shouldering. He tried politely turning them away every time they came around, but they never listened to him.
Today, they were taking Jeno on a picnic by the Han, for some reason. For Renjun and Mark to go made sense. But Jeno wasn’t exactly a picnic kind of guy. He also wasn’t their third. Didn’t picnics feel too much like a date?
He trudged after them anyway, carrying the oversized picnic basket toward the river and trying not to grumble out loud like a bitter old man while Mark laid out their blanket.
Jeno eyed the river with disdain. “Do you think I could swim to LA?”
“From the Han?” Renjun asked, appalled. He set his backpack on the ground with care. He would probably take time to draw on his tablet while they were out here. Jeno immediately felt bad for hoping they wouldn’t spend more time out here than necessary. He was a terrible friend.
He shrugged. Mark sighed, unpacking their basket. “Or you could just fly there, like I told you before. You don’t even have to get Jaem to do it. Y’all share money. Go surprise him.”
Jeno pursed his lips. That idea was even worse than talking to Jaemin about his feelings and asking Jaemin to book the flight. Jeno would really feel like the clingy partner he wasn’t supposed to be if he just showed up in LA with his tail between his legs.
“Let’s just eat,” Renjun said, voice gentler than Jeno expected. Renjun was kind to a fault, but he was also a firm believer in tough love when needed. Jeno must look even more pathetic than he thought.
Together they spread their food around the huge, blue blanket. Mark even whipped out a bluetooth speaker and started playing music, a blues playlist clearly curated specifically for Jeno, considering he was the only one who idolized the genre.
Jeno felt bad for being such a grump. His friends were trying so hard to cheer him up, and he was being an ass more than being grateful.
“Thanks, guys,” he muttered before biting into an egg sandwich.
Renjun’s smile was warm, Mark downright beamed, and Jeno felt worse for being moody. His friends deserved better. It was hard, though, to work through these feelings he was having. They were all so unfamiliar to him.
He thought longing was a quiet little pang when Jaemin was gone for three weeks, soothed the moment he walked through the door. He thought sadness was something you let yourself feel for a little while and then it resolved, especially over something so temporary.
But every time he thought of Jaemin, imagined him here with them, it was like his heart was being ripped out of his chest over and over again. The quiet little pang was a miles wide chasm, roaring through the vast emptiness. The sadness was something that ate away at his very core.
His thoughts and the music were interrupted by Mark’s phone ringing, and he sheepishly apologized and said he had to answer it. Jeno and Renjun both waved him off. Mark’s shit-eating grin would have made Jeno suspicious if he had the energy to think about it.
“My Jeno.”
Jeno froze at the sound of Jaemin’s voice filling the space between them. Had he finally lost it? Jaemin sounded real, like he was on the—
Mark held out his phone, and there Jaemin was, on video call, voice filtering through Mark’s little bluetooth speaker.
“Hi, love. You look lovely.”
“J-Jaem?” Jeno’s eyes darted around the screen, trying to understand. Jaemin was lit by artificial light—it had to be, because the darkness around him was obvious. “Are you okay?” Jaemin never called when it was night for him, Jeno had insisted on it in the beginning. Jaemin needed the rest way more than Jeno did. Something must be—
“Darling, shh. Nothing’s wrong. I just wanted to surprise you. Is that okay?” Jaemin’s smile was contagious, Jeno barely felt himself following it, and Jaemin flipped his camera to show he had his own picnic spread before him, on a very similar blue blanket. The only difference was that sand surrounded his, instead of grass. Jaemin was at the beach. In the middle of the night. With fake lighting and a picnic and a smile to rival the sun when he turned the camera back around to his perfect face.
“Oh,” was all Jeno could say. He wondered if Jaemin could tell his hands were shaking, if Jeno was out of focus altogether because he couldn’t keep them still.
A body collided with his, and Mark squeezed his arms around him, cooing like he’d just come across an adorable puppy. “Jenoooo,” he whined. “Oh, you cutie.”
Jeno’s eyes were full of water that he refused to release, and by the way Jaemin’s expression softened into something that felt like Jeno’s sadness, it was obvious.
“Hi,” Jeno croaked, pushing through it and ignoring Mark entirely. “You should be sleeping.”
Jaemin shook his head, and even in the night under the spotlight on him, his eyes sparkled. “Not when I can do this. See you glowing in the sun.”
Heat rushed to Jeno’s face and he shook his head, fighting off a smile. Jaemin’s grin did that thing where it looked like it would overtake his entire face. God, Jeno missed him.
Mark gently released Jeno and rubbed his back for a moment before going back to Renjun. Jeno stared at Jaemin, unrelenting, desperate to take in every pixel. “You’re not at the beach alone are you, baby?” Jeno murmured, uncaring that his friends could hear, that Mark was cooing all over again. Jeno wasn’t a pet-names-in-public kind of guy, but he just didn’t care right now.
Jaemin shook his head, seemingly just as stuck on staring as Jeno was. “No, don’t worry, darling. My team is nearby.” His manager and his security guard, more than likely. Jeno nodded.
“Good. As long as you’re safe.”
“I am. I promise.”
The first real, cheek-hurting smile Jeno experienced in a long time stretched his mouth. “Hi,” he said again, this time with no tears in his eyes.
Jaemin’s laugh was soft and low, an emotional one, not like the screeching, high-pitched joyous one he always so proudly wore. “Hi,” he said. He shifted, and if Jeno had to guess, devastatingly, Jaemin was touching his screen, touching Jeno. “I miss you so much, Jen.”
Jeno swallowed and nodded. Before he could respond, Renjun leaned over and touched Jeno’s knee. He said, “I think I can make this a little better, Jen,” and held up his iPad. Jeno melted, nodding again and letting happiness fill his heart when Renjun pulled a tripod from his backpack too.
It wasn’t the same as Jaemin being next to him, tangible and warm and touching him, but he knew it would be the next best thing.
Jeno was on cloud nine, until he wasn’t.
He let himself into the penthouse with the code, and he greeted the cats, and he thought about how Jaemin had been gone so long, Jeno had to reset the door code himself four times. It all went downhill from there.
He clung to the picnic with all he had. As against it as he was in the beginning, it turned into the best day he’d had in months. Jaemin stayed on Facetime with them, with Jeno, for two whole hours. It was the longest they had spoken or spent together since Jaemin left. It meant everything to Jeno. It filled him with the love and warmth he was missing. It made the distance feel so much less.
He laughed so much, he actually felt the sun on his skin, heard the birds in the bright blue sky, the children having the time of their lives around them. He had his heart back.
But the emptiness of the penthouse, too big for one person, was more deafening than ever. The longer he was alone, the more that it suffocated him.
It was like a sugar rush, and the crash that followed yanked Jeno’s feet from under him.
He managed to feed the cats and strip out of his jeans, and then he was collapsing into the luxurious bed that was far too big without Jaemin in it too. If he went back out, would the warmth of the fading sun bring back the happiness he felt earlier? His feet twitched, like he might go to the balcony and check, but he couldn’t make himself get up.
His phone buzzed where he stuffed it under Jaemin’s pillow, and he almost didn’t pick it up. He wanted to wallow for a while. But something propelled his hand forward, and when he saw Jaemin’s face on his screen, he blinked, so surprised he almost missed the call.
“Jaem?” Jeno said in lieu of a proper greeting.
Jaemin’s face came into view. The room was dim; he was in bed, head cushioned by the same expensive pillows they kept at home. They were the only ones Jaemin would use because they felt like clouds to him.
“You’re already in bed?” Jaemin frowned, eyes blinking slowly, like they were too heavy. He was forcing himself to stay awake.
“Just resting…” Jeno cleared his throat.
Jaemin nodded with a little pout, too empathetic for his own good. “It was a lot of people at the river, hm? I’m sorry, love. We should have picked somewhere less crowded. I just thought it might be romantic…”
“It was,” Jeno rushed to say. He sank back onto his pillow, sheepish. “It was. It’s fine. I’m just a little sleepy.” A little more honestly, he added, “I loved it, Jaem. I really did.”
Jaemin beamed, even half asleep as he was. “Good. Me too. It felt so good spending so much time with you—” He cut himself off, staring at the camera. Jeno nodded, waiting for Jaemin to find his words again. “I just wish…I just wish I could touch you…”
It was sweet, really, but the way Jaemin’s voice tapered off into a whisper clued Jeno into what Jaemin was really calling for. A chill creeped down Jeno’s spine, and he forced himself to relax against his pillow some more.
“Yeah?” Excitement trickled in, too. Anticipation.
Jaemin nodded, slow, pouty, fucking irresistible. “Was laying here thinking of how our dates usually end…” Even in the dimness, Jeno could see Jaemin’s cheeks fill with color, and it made his mouth water.
“Jaeminnie,” Jeno said, making his voice low the way Jaemin liked it, in moments like this. “Are you already—”
“Just over the sheet,” Jaemin whispered. Meaning he was already naked, but that wasn’t a surprise. Jaemin thought it was a crime to sleep in anything but the warmth of their bare bodies. Jeno had some catching up to do.
He hummed, hoping the way he sat up and ripped his shirt over his head wasn’t too eager. He shimmied out of his underwear too, and settled back under the covers. “Now we’re on the same page.”
Jaemin’s grin was a little dopey, one of Jeno’s favorites. “Sorry. Just wanted—just couldn’t stop.”
Jeno slipped his hand beneath the sheets to wrap it lazily around his cock, letting the way his eyelids fluttered and the way heat filled his cheeks do the talking. They had promised each other phone sex from the beginning, but they underestimated just how busy Jaemin would be.
The last time they had long enough was Jaemin’s first month away. Jeno would never complain about something like that, but that didn’t mean that he wouldn’t enjoy the fuck out of watching Jaemin’s face as he came today.
“Fuck—” Jaemin whispered. He moaned, quiet and restrained. He was really touching himself now. “You’re so fucking beautiful, Jen.”
Jeno moaned Jaemin’s name, twisting his hand as his dick thickened in its grip. “Jaem—do you know how badly…”
“Yes.” Jaemin nodded, lips parted as he panted around his pleasure. “Me too. I need you so badly it hurts. All I can think about lately—ah—is the last time, before I left.”
“Which last time, exactly?” Jeno laughed, letting the sound fade into a quiet groan. Jaemin laughed too, sleepy and hyped up on ecstasy.
Their last time. The night before Jaemin’s flight. Maybe it should have been a sign that Jeno would turn out this shattered, because Jeno couldn’t let Jaemin go, couldn’t let the moment end. Jaemin was no better, at least. They fucked more than they ever had, all night, again and again, taking turns, somehow finding the stamina in themselves to keep going. And going. And going.
“All of it,” Jaemin grinned. “Every second. Mostly just—how your body feels against mine. The way our bodies are made for each other. It’s like—flashes. Your tongue on my neck. My fingers in your mouth. Biting your inner thighs.”
Jeno shuddered, the words like magic across his skin, bringing the sensations back. Jaemin had so many perfect teeth and he knew how to use them. Jeno had been covered in bruises for a week, and he hated they ever had to fade away.
“My hips were bruised,” Jaemin whispered. “From how tight your legs were wrapped around me. Hurt to sit on set for days from how good you fucked me. Your cock—god—”
Words failed Jeno, his brain slowly being replaced with putty. He struggled to breathe, struggled to hold back how good all of this felt. He fumbled with his phone with his one hand, kicked his sheets away and rolled onto his back. He flipped his camera so Jaemin had a front row view of the red head of his cock leaking all over his abdomen, and the sound Jaemin made was inhuman at best.
“Fuck, I miss it almost as much as I miss you,” Jaemin cried out. “The weight on my tongue, even the taste—Jen. Jeno. Wanna taste you, want it to fill my throat—”
Jaemin’s words were slurring, and his face was tomato red. Jeno could even see beads of sweat dripping down his hairline, little blond hairs stuck to his forehead. It juxtaposed with the slow way pre-come dripped over Jeno’s fist at the thought of being inside Jaemin again, and having Jaemin inside him again. Any of it. All of it.
He cursed, and Jaemin’s camera started slipping, like Jaemin was too far gone to hold it in place. “Jaem—please. Wanna see your face when you come for me. Please, baby.”
Jaemin whined, all but writhing as his pleasure built and built, so close to its peak, Jeno could feel it in his bones. Still, Jaemin righted the camera. Mouth open, eyes closed, moan guttural. Jeno tightened his grip around his cock, tried to remember exactly how good and tight slipping inside Jaemin was. It was distant, but there, and now his moans rivaled Jaemin’s.
“Miss it so bad,” Jeno whispered, mid-fantasy. “You take my dick so fucking well—” Jaemin cried out, but it wasn’t the moment yet.
Jeno panted, chest heaving. A million scenarios ran through his head, a million desires and needs. He wanted to be in Jaemin, he wanted Jaemin in him. He wanted to taste Jaemin, be run ragged by Jaemin. He wanted to fuck Jaemin so hard they both forgot their names, wanted Jaemin to tie him up and take his sweet time on him.
But mostly, selfishly, he wanted Jaemin first when he came home, to be filled by Jaemin until he was all Jeno knew, until he was so deeply ingrained in Jeno’s being they would never be able to separate again.
How he could want so much with one person, Jeno still didn’t know. All it told him was it was one of the thousand ways he and Jaemin were perfect for each other. He flipped his camera again, held his phone above his face with a trembling hand to show Jaemin just how wrecked he looked, chest red and struggling to keep up with his lung. “But when you get back, Jaem—”
Maybe he had rambled out loud, or maybe Jaemin was in Jeno’s head like he so often was when they were at home together, because Jaemin moaned and nodded and slurred, “If I could bend you in half right now—give you everything you want—make love to you all night, baby—you’re probably so tight without me there to fuck you just how you like—”
Jeno’s chest burned with desire and love and his sickeningly persistent sadness. He wanted Jaemin here, he wanted everything now. His hand slowed and he watched an orgasm take hold of Jaemin, the rise of his broad shoulders, the scrunch of his red face and perfect o-shape of his pretty pink lips. It was a good one, a long one, because he didn’t make a sound but for a choked gasp, like every ounce of everything within Jaemin went into giving him the best climax possible.
Jeno forgot about himself for a moment, hand frozen, in awe, aching over how fucking gorgeous Jaemin was.
When Jaemin relaxed, he sank into his pillow with a hum, eyes still closed. Soft smile on his mouth. Jeno couldn’t help but smile too, content to wait a moment, let Jaemin recover so he could see Jeno finish, because he loved watching Jeno even more than he loved being watched.
A quiet, serene moment passed. And then another. And then another.
Then, Jaemin was snoring.
Jeno chewed on his cheek, staring, waiting for Jaemin to pop his eyes open and laugh, say he was kidding. Let me see you now, love.
But he didn’t, and Jeno plopped onto his back. His hand fell away from his dick and he laid there, still and staring at an increasingly blurry ceiling.
Was lying here thinking of how our dates usually end…
Jaemin’s voice was on repeat in Jeno’s mind, and now Jeno was thinking about it too. He could imagine the post-picnic rush, the way they would struggle to keep their hands to themselves in the elevator.
Then Jaemin would sweep Jeno into the condo as if he weighed nothing, as if they were an old-time married couple from a movie. He would pin Jeno against the door, or lay him on the couch and kiss him to his heart’s content, smiling and touching Jeno like he was the most precious thing in the world.
They might give into each other’s bodies right there—it happened more times than Jeno could count—but sometimes Jaemin had enough of his non-horny brain left to hit pause and drag Jeno into the bed instead. More room to admire you. My beautiful, beautiful Jen.
Somehow, this was what finally broke Jeno. After months of holding it all in, forcing his emotions to stay in check, now the dam finally burst.
Tears spilled from his eyes, too rapid to scrub them away. He ended the call on Jaemin’s peaceful, sleeping face for fear of waking him, and curled into himself, hugging his knees to his chest as he sobbed. Love wasn’t supposed to hurt like this, was it? He had never felt this way before, had never been so consumed with emptiness and longing that it was a physical pain in his body that he couldn’t shake.
Could he last any longer? Even another day? Was Mark right, and did Jeno need to book a flight to the other side of the world?
The embarrassment of needing someone so carnally, so completely kept his hands tight around his own body, away from his phone, and he cried himself to sleep.
five months
Somehow, for reasons Jeno refused to think too deeply about, he and Jaemin spoke less after the facetime incident. Jaemin apologized to the moon and back, and Jeno reassured him he wasn’t upset. A missed opportunity for an orgasm wasn’t sending Jeno running for the hills.
But Jaemin was even busier than before, and Jeno was…maybe being a little distant. He wasn’t trying to be. In fact, he was trying not to be. But his breakdown that night withered his soul a little, drained some of his life. Now he was drifting through the days, barely aware of them passing. He knew he was being pathetic, but he couldn’t stop. Renjun was kind enough to chide him for feeling that way, and to tell him that it was just his brain protecting itself from more hurt.
“It’s not your love that feels this way,” Renjun said softly. “It’s the separation. Try to remember that.”
Jeno nodded, uncurling from his fetal position on the couch enough to let his itchy fingers reach for his phone. He typed a message to Jaemin.
> I think I’m empty without you
> I miss you so much
> but I love you even more
> I hope you know that
He didn’t expect a response any time soon. He knew Jaemin was usually deep into filming at this time. But as he stared at the floor and Renjun stared at him, his phone buzzed with a reply.
< My Jeno
< I love you so much more every day
and I know you feel the same way
< I wish I could take that empty
feeling away for you and just
double it for myself
< I never ever ever want to cause
you pain, love. I hate making you
feel this way
< But I hope you know you
aren’t alone and
< I will do anything I can to get back
to you as fast as possible
For the first time since the night he broke, Jeno dropped his face down to his hands and cried. Renjun held him through every second of it.
five and a half months
Jeno was sleeping like shit.
Most nights, but especially tonight. He swore he was waking every fifteen minutes, tossing and turning, too hot, then too cold, teary-eyed, then angry. Dreaming of the ghost of Jaemin’s touch, and then him never coming home.
It was ridiculous, stupid, pathetic, and Jeno was starting to hate himself for letting his feelings get so twisted up this way. You can last two more fucking weeks, Lee Jeno, he kept telling himself, to no avail.
He had no idea what time it was when he jolted awake because he felt like he was falling. The sensation pissed him off. Was he not anxious enough without feeling like he was free falling from a cliff suddenly? He groaned, grabbing his head and debating just getting up and working on new website templates.
Then the bed shifted.
Jeno flew from the bed so fast, he was dizzy when he landed several feet away. The shift was way too big for it to be Lucy, and even if it somehow was her, he had locked her out to spare her from his restlessness.
There was a figure sitting on the edge of the bed, familiar in shape but too dark to stop the panic squeezing Jeno’s chest. In his head, he logged the location of any and everything he could rush to grab as a weapon, hoping this was a dream, until—
Jeno stopped. Froze. His eyes adjusted. It was Jaemin sitting there, on the edge of their bed, regretful and more perfect than a phone screen had done justice for the last five and a half months.
He was home two weeks early.
For some reason, Jeno didn’t run to him. He wanted to. But he felt like a deer in headlights. An alien who didn’t know how to act human. Disbelief, he realized, was what was holding him back.
He crawled back onto the bed, slow, cautious, until he could touch Jaemin’s face with his fingertips and not be stopped by a screen. His skin was warm, warmer by the second, and a tear slipped down and caressed Jeno’s finger.
“Jaem—?“
“I’m here, love.”
Jeno surged forward and kissed Jaemin like a man starved, like a man separated from the love of his life for almost six months too long.
Jaemin sobbed, a heartbreaking sound, but neither of them pulled away. They clamored for each other, a well-oiled machine, until Jeno was straddling Jaemin’s lap, fingers tangled in his blond hair, and Jaemin’s arms were wrapped so tight around Jeno’s waist, Jeno could hardly breathe.
He didn’t care. If this was how it all ended, at least he would die the happiest man alive, surrounded in Jaemin’s warmth, Jaemin’s tongue in his mouth, Jaemin’s teeth on his lip.
When kisses began to taste like salt and they finally came up for air, Jaemin took Jeno’s face in both hands and swiped his thumbs over his cheeks.
“My Jeno,” he whispered. “Please don’t cry.”
Before, Jeno wasn’t even aware of the tears on his cheeks. Now, he was overcome. He crumbled beneath Jaemin’s touch, shoulders shaking as he wept. He pressed his cheek into Jaemin’s palm, and Jaemin knocked their foreheads together.
“You’re crying too,” Jeno just barely managed to say.
“I’m just—so happy to see you. To feel you.” Jaemin kissed each of Jeno’s cheeks, right along the tear tracks. “I missed you so much and it was starting to feel like I’d never get to touch you again and I—“ He shook his head, and Jeno understood him deeply.
“I know,” Jeno whispered. “I know. I’m right here.”
Jaemin nodded, sniffling, and tilted his head for a long, chaste kiss. Jeno clung to him like he might disappear the way it kept happening in his dreams. Part of him still didn’t believe this was real. But his dreams never quite got this right, the heat of Jaemin’s body, the soft, damp press of his mouth on Jeno’s.
“‘M right here,” Jeno whispered again. He gentled Jaemin’s lips apart, traced his tongue along them until Jaemin let him in. One of Jaemin’s hands dropped to Jeno’s hip, and the other slowly trailed down, curling around the side of his neck, tracing the line of his collarbone, the dip between Jeno’s pecs. Jeno shivered. “Missed you so much,” he murmured as another tear slipped from his eye. “Jaem—”
“I know.” Jaemin kissed him, his wandering hand slipping up Jeno’s t-shirt, a delicate touch drawing over his abdomen now. “I’m so sorry. I’ve got you, baby. I’ve got you.”
His voice trailed into a breath as he gave back into Jeno’s gently insistent mouth. He laid back, bringing Jeno with him uninterrupted, and Jeno lost track of how long they kissed, making up for lost time, filling the void left in each other’s hearts.
Jaemin lifted Jeno’s shirt until Jeno sat up to remove it, and as soon as he was back down, drinking from Jaemin’s lips, Jaemin rolled him onto his back and settled between his legs, kissing him harder, but still so fucking gentle.
It was easy from there, natural and right, to lose the rest of their clothes, for Jaemin’s fingers to find their way inside Jeno and split his heart right open. Picking back up from five and a half months ago was as easy as breathing, not a beat missed as Jaemin explored every line of Jeno’s body like he needed it to feel whole again.
Jeno tonguing the sweat on Jaemin’s neck. Jaemin’s teeth softly biting into Jeno’s thighs. It was like a replay of their last night together, yet so much more.
Jeno understood on the other side of this yearning, when Jaemin pressed his cock inside him and more tears spilled from Jeno’s eyes, he understood that part of his heart wasn’t fully in this thing with Jaemin before he left. They had been together for little more than a year and a half, and most of that half was spent apart. They had moved so fast, too fast according to all of their friends, and Jeno didn’t realize until now that he had been waiting for the other shoe to drop.
He was keeping a wall between himself and Jaemin, a tiny wall of doubt that Jaemin would want him to stick around, worry that any misstep from who Jeno was when Jaemin fell for him would send Jeno back to living with Mark and Renjun and more broken than ever.
He was confident in his relationship, he knew Jaemin loved him, but he didn’t know how terrified he was that Jaemin might not love a Jeno who was so deeply in love he couldn’t contain it anymore.
But as Jaemin kissed the tears from his temples and moaned so quietly in his ear, as he touched Jeno so reverently, like Jeno would always be the most precious thing in the world to him, Jeno knew he had no reason to be scared.
Jaemin wasn’t going anywhere, and he didn’t want Jeno to either. They were too deep to let each other go now, and that made Jeno happier than he had ever been in his life.
“My darling,” Jaemin cried, nose pressed to his cheek. His hand squeezed around Jeno’s thigh, holding it in place while he slowly, deeply made love to him. “I love you so much—”
Jeno nodded, clutching at Jaemin’s hair and back, seeking Jaemin’s tear-drenched mouth for a kiss. They were a mess, but the more that pleasure flourished through his body, sucking Jaemin in deeper and deeper, Jeno didn’t care. It was messy and a little sad, but it was real, it was raw, it was relief personified.
“I love you,” Jeno whispered. He sucked on Jaemin’s lip, on his tongue, determined to get out of his head and feel every inch of Jaemin’s dick inside him every time he thrusted like Jeno was something to be savored.
Jaemin let go of his leg, and Jeno dutifully wrapped them both around Jaemin’s hips. Jeno cried out when Jaemin shifted, his dick dragging along Jeno’s walls just right, dragging across his prostate and sending chills down Jeno’s spine. Jaemin pulled at his wrist, entwined their fingers and pressed them into the pillow next to Jeno’s head.
“Fuck, you’re perfect,” Jaemin breathed. He dipped down and stole a kiss from Jeno’s parted mouth. “You were made for this, love. Made for me.”
Jeno keened. Nodded his head and urged Jaemin into another messy kiss. Jaemin broke away, panting against Jeno’s cheek, grazing his teeth over the skin of his jaw, kissing tongue-first down his neck and sucking the sweat from his skin as Jeno’s pleasure grew, and grew, and grew. Every stroke shattered him, but stitched his heart back together all at once.
“Jaem—” Jeno moaned. “Jaeminnie, I’m so—”
Jaemin was panting against his ear now, mouthing against his earlobe. “Come on, darling,” he whispered. “Let it all out for me. Let me hear you—feel you—” Jaemin shuddered. “Fuck, you’re so tight, it’s driving me insane—”
A hand wrapped around Jeno’s cock, and he barely recognized it as his own. He couldn’t stop moaning Jaemin’s name, digging his nails into his hand, squeezing Jaemin’s hips tighter and tighter until Jeno was throwing his head back and letting out a guttural groan, splintering the mostly serene and romantic bubble they had floated into.
“Oh god,” Jaemin exclaimed. “Ohgodohgodohgod—Jeno, baby, darling—”
Ecstasy washed over Jeno, whiting out his vision, come covering his chest and hand. Jaemin shouted, shuddering apart in Jeno’s embrace, and Jeno realized too late he had locked Jaemin in with his legs, holding him as deep as he would go, clenching and fluttering around his cock as he soared through the waves of orgasm.
It didn’t matter, clearly. Jaemin was shuddering apart because he was coming too, pulsing and hot and filling Jeno right up. He dropped his face to Jeno’s neck, gasping for air.
Jeno tried to blink the fog from his brain, wiped his hand on the sheets and stroked Jaemin’s sweaty hair. “Babe…” he said after they both caught their breath.
Jaemin let go of Jeno’s hand and propped himself up. He stroked Jeno’s cheek and leaned down to kiss him. “Hi,” he murmured. “Okay?”
“Mm-hm.” Jeno nodded. “You?”
“More than.” Jaemin kissed him again, then paused, staring down at Jeno with eyes that were a little too sad. “Let’s clean up, hm? The faster we do, the faster I can hold you.”
“Sure, baby.”
Only once they were showered and Jaemin was replacing the sheets did Jeno notice the time. 4:44AM. Maybe Jeno would stay awake through the morning after all, if it meant getting to look at Jaemin, touch him, kiss him.
Relationships were about compromise, though, and while it seemed like Jaemin didn’t plan on sleeping either, he did really want to hold Jeno, so Jeno couldn’t get his fill of Jaemin’s soft, handsome face just yet. Jeno wasn’t complaining all that much though. Feeling the way his body perfectly moulded to Jaemin’s body, the way Jaemin’s arms felt around him, the way his heartbeat sounded against Jeno’s ear was beyond worth it.
Jeno kissed Jaemin’s pec and laid his head back down. Jaemin nuzzled his nose into Jeno’s hair, breathing him in.
“How are you here two weeks early, anyway?” Jeno asked. He dragged his finger along Jaemin’s chest, drawing invisible doodles. “Not that I’m complaining, obviously.”
“We wrapped early. We were so busy I didn’t even realize that’s what the director was trying to do. And when we were done, I…I begged to skip the wrap party and my last schedule and come home. I really, really begged until my team gave in.”
Jeno’s eyes burned with the threat of tears. The relief and happiness were so potent. “I can’t believe they listened.”
“I can’t either.” Jaemin kissed his head. “But I think they could see how desperate I was. How homesick. I wasn’t doing well. I just—I needed to see you.”
“I’m—” Jeno cleared his throat and took a breath when it felt like he might break all over again. I wasn’t doing well. “I’m really happy you’re home.”
For a long, stretching moment, Jaemin didn’t say anything. Jeno’s eyes were still watery, and he chewed on his lip, lost in every heart he drew on Jaemin’s skin. Then Jaemin touched his cheek, and he didn’t need words for Jeno to move, to steal a kiss and then scoot until they were facing each other and Jeno was using Jaemin’s arm as a pillow.
Jaemin caressed Jeno’s cheek, brushed his thumb over his lips. “After you texted me a couple of weeks ago…Mark—he told me you were having a hard time. I’m so sorry, love.”
Jeno nodded and looked aside at the pillow. His eyes filled with more tears that spilled down his temple, and he didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t surprised Mark blabbed, but he wished Mark would have let Jeno work up to it himself.
“You can always talk to me, baby,” Jaemin said, and his voice shook like he was crying too. “About anything, but especially how you’re feeling.”
“I know,” Jeno said. He made himself look up, and sure enough, tears were slipping over Jaemin’s nose, swollen lips trembling. “I just—I’m confident in us. I really am. But when it got hard to be away from you, I got so scared that I wouldn’t fit into your life anymore and I—god, Jaem, I love you so fucking much, I don’t know how I’d recover from that.”
“Hey.” Jaemin shook his head, still stroking Jeno’s face. “I love you more than I can even put into words. I’m not going anywhere. I know I wouldn’t be able to recover if we—” He shook his head again. “I should’ve talked to you too. But I guess I was scared too. That I’d overstep if I told you how miserable I was, and that I was five seconds from booking you a plane ticket every single day by the time we were a month into filming.”
Jeno laughed, though the sound was wet and sad. “Mark kept telling me to book a plane ticket.”
“You could’ve. I would’ve been over the moon.”
“I know that now.” Jeno kissed Jaemin’s hand. “I just got so deep in my head. I had every excuse under the sun not to go to you, and now I feel like so much time was wasted because I didn’t. I missed you so much, it hurt, Jaem. I’ve never felt like that before. That was scaring me too. To feel like that—and worrying if I was too clingy—”
Jaemin made a soft, disapproving noise. “I’ve got news for you, love.” He slowly smiled, and the sight of it nearly stopped Jeno’s tears in their tracks. Jaemin said, “You could hang onto me like a leech for 24 hours a day and I would love every second of it.”
“Jaem.” Jeno laughed, less wet and sad this time.
“I’m serious, baby!” Jaemin’s eyes got wide like they always did when he was excited, and Jeno noticed he wasn’t crying much anymore either. “I would carry you around bridal style everywhere! Or on my back!”
Jeno grinned so hard that it immediately hurt, and he couldn’t believe how long it had been since he smiled like this. “Get a sack and carry me around Kangaroo style.”
Jaemin gasped, then pursed his lips. “That might be kinda uncomfortable for both of us,” he said, pensive like he was genuinely considering it.
Laughter swirled in the air between them, and Jeno lurched forward and kissed Jaemin stupid, until their smiles made it impossible. Their laughter petered out, and Jaemin knocked their foreheads together.
“When I don’t have you near me, it feels like I can’t breathe, Jeno.” Goosebumps prickled at Jeno’s skin. His heart lurched, in total agreement. Jaemin brushed their lips together, not quite a kiss. “After this—almost six months—Jen, I can’t do this again. It was hard enough feeling the way I did, but knowing you were hurting too…I can’t.”
“I can’t either.” Jeno softly kissed him. “I’m sorry. Things got so twisted up in my head and I should’ve just told you that.”
Jaemin shook his head. “You don’t have to apologize, baby. I mean it. Things were so hectic and there wasn’t really time to talk anyway. We’re here now, figuring it out, and that’s what matters. As long as we’re together.”
“We are.” Jeno drifted his fingers up Jaemin’s arm. “We always will be, I think.”
Jaemin’s smile was wobbly, but bright, and his eyes unmistakably glassy all over again. This time, though, no tears fell. “I think so too.” He pulled Jeno forward into a sweet kiss, bumping their noses and kissing him again. “And our friends thought we were crazy for getting together.”
Jeno laughed. “We kind of were. We’d known each other for like, six months when I moved in.” He stayed over to watch the cats for three weeks, and then never really left. The rest was history. Jaemin whined, about to argue, but Jeno shook his head, still giggling. “I think we both just…knew.”
Immediately, Jaemin softened. “Yeah. You really are the one, Lee Jeno. My soulmate.”
“Ah.” Heat rushed to Jeno’s cheeks. Soulmate. It was such a grand thing to say, and Jaemin said it like he was just reciting Jeno’s name. Jeno curled his fingers around Jaemin’s wrist, and Jaemin leaned into another kiss. “You really make me believe in things like that,” Jeno murmured.
“Good.” Jaemin smacked another gentle kiss against his lips. “Because it’s true.”
All Jeno could do was nod, and stare at his boyfriend’s flawless face, in awe that he was here, he was home, filling the empty space that haunted Jeno for so long.
“I’m signing a contract for a TV show,” Jaemin said, and Jeno’s heart dropped. Already? When Jeno was still re-memorizing the lines of Jaemin’s face? But Jaemin smiled. “It’s here, in Seoul.”
“Wh—really?”
Jaemin nodded. “Love, if all goes to plan, I’ll be home for the next year at least, other than the press tour in the states. Things will still be hectic but at least I’ll be able to come home to you every single night—”
Jeno couldn’t contain himself. He all but tackled Jaemin onto his back, smothering him in a thousand kisses. Jaemin clung to him with a vice grip, kissing back with enthusiasm and sweet little giggles.
“God, I can definitely get used to this,” Jaemin said mid-attack, breathless and glimmering. Jeno laughed and let himself be yanked back down, rolled over, loved.
They didn’t come back up for air for over an hour, and Jeno thought he could still go out and run a marathon, rejuvenated, his aching emptiness already a fading memory.
But instead they opened the window and watched the sunrise in each other’s arms, sharing warm, gooey kisses every time they sensed each other staring, washed in the pink and orange glow of a new day.
Jeno forgot sleep was a distant friend until he yawned, and exhaustion billowed over him like an extra, weighted blanket. Jaemin squeezed his arms around him, affectionately biting his chin. Jeno looked at him, into his always-sparkling eyes, and felt every ounce of love Jaemin had for him.
“Sleepy?” Jaemin nuzzled him, fluttering his eyelashes along Jeno’s jaw.
Jeno hummed. “You owe me sleep, you know,” he muttered. He tried and failed not to smile.
Jaemin laughed, cupped his face and soundly kissed him. “I owe you a lifetime, love.”