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I guess the conclusion isn’t so out-of-pocket, a lord and his knight, why would they end up together?

Javier sighed, it was another ordinary day, he and his beloved lord,-

No.

Javier shakes his head.

Rather than beloved, unlucky is more befitting for him. 

Javier chuckled.

His lord, someone who wishes to retire early, and yet, he always somehow got roped into bigger and bigger problems, but such is life, one hurdle to another, no one can escape it, not him, not me.

Which is why..

"Let's break up."

The three words Javier never expected to hear from Lloyd.

Life is full of hurdles but they can surely mend it, as long as they are together.

So..

"Why..?"

The word escapes Javier's mouth before he even realised it.

Lloyd's gaze refuses to meet his, the room is decently lit but he can't see his lover's face clearly.

"I… I don't think it's working out."

"What makes you think that? Llo-"

Lloyd flinched.

Javier held his tongue, it tasted bitter.

"-rd."

"Why did you make such a decision, my lord? What have I done to make you come to that conclusion?"

Javier is desperate, he can't think of a reason why, his lover is right in front of him, yet, for the first time ever, he feels pain instead of comfort.

No.

When did things change?

Lloyd..

He hated him.

He is the reason why he kept the old wooden sword by his bed, as a grim reminder of the unjust world, a twisted motivation to always be the best.

Lloyd…

He resented him.

Even as the seasons change and his height catches up with his, Lloyd still acts like a hooligan, the town bully, he does what he wants and doesn't even spare a second to consider the other party's feelings, forcing everyone to grit their teeth.

Lloyd…

He changed.

He isn't sure how, but one day as per usual, he carried his young master back to the manor, all wasted and drunk like the hooligan he always is.

Javier looks at his master from his peripheral vision, he could barely make out his features, but he sincerely wished, as the stars dance freely in the night sky, with every sincerity in his bones, for Lloyd to be a better person.

And by some miracle he did.

He changed.

He changed so much it feels suspicious.

He changed so much that it feels as if he is a different person.

He changed so much that his stone cold heart slowly melts for him.

Was it the small gestures? The way Lloyd suddenly feels invested enough to actually listen to him? His witty comebacks? The way he would, and without a doubt, makes every impossible situation feel small and just by being together, there will be a solution, no matter how beaten up and bruised they ended up, they will always make it out alive, Lloyd promises to, and his words aren't the type to be taken lightly.

"So, why?"

Javier wanted to plead, to plant his knees on the ground and just beg his lord for a chance, a way to work things out.

But, he didn't, he couldn't.

The light flickered, Lloyd's face was still obstructed, but in between the gentle flickers, he could see it.

Through the eyes that refuse to meet him, he can see it, loud and clear, just like him, Lloyd is in pain.

He wishes to reach out, to gently rub the back of his hand on his cheek, to remind him that he is here, to share each other's warmth.

"We don't have to do this."

Javier pleaded.

He tries to reach his hand towards Lloyd, but his movement causes his sword to clank, and it causes Lloyd to flinch.

Javier stops.

"Are you-"

Lloyd held one of his hands up.

"I would like to rest."

Lloyd said, his voice sounded shaky but he is stubborn enough to try and make it sound normal, even if he is miserably failing to do so.

Javier couldn't bring himself to argue, Lloyd looked pale.

"I- "

Javier wished to stay, to let Lloyd feel comfort in him like how Lloyd always brings comfort to him, but he knows better than to push his unlucky lord.

"I wish upon you a good rest, my lord."

With a heavy heart, Javier leaves.

The room instantly feels a lot quieter, a lot emptier and a lot more cold.

Lloyd sighed, not out of relief, he felt terrible.

He feels weak, but he knows it's the right thing to do.

It was a mistake, he shouldn't have said yes when Javier asked him out, he thought it would be interesting, for all he know, Javier doesn't really swing that way in the novel, heck he didn't even realise that the classical painting of a man sees their relationship as something serious until a while ago.

It stings.

Why must he smile at me so lovingly?

It fucking stings.

He loved him sincerely yet he sees this relationship as nothing more than a joke.

Does he even love him?

Well… he does.

He loves Javier, how could he not? He loves him so much that he memorized every chapter, word by word, pages by pages, minutes he could have used for rest yet against his better judgement, he won't stop reading it, he remembers the pages so intimately it was as if he is the writer himself.

But there's a problem.

He is not Lloyd.

He is Suho.

He is fine with the fact that he lives in a stranger's corpse, he is fine with it.

But he…

Couldn't fathom Javier's reaction.

Will he kill me?

-Lloyd- Suho can feel the burning sensation of tears forming at the corner of his eyes.

It stings.

He quietly walks up to the candle, the only thing lighting up the room, with a quick pinch he quickly extinguished it.

The room is completely dark now, safe for the shy moonlight that barely makes its presence known.

-Lloyd- Suho lays in bed, trying to muffle his own sobs.

==~~==

"You shouldn't sleep in a bad mood."

"?'

The gentle voice sounded so familiar.

Suho blinks.

"It's bad for your health."

Ow.

Suho rubbed his forehead, he didn't realise his mom had just flicked it.

He wanted to say something but it was as if he was underwater, all his limbs felt weak while his shouts were barely audible.

"I know that Dad is late again, but he couldn't help it."

His mom continued as she washed the dishes.

"It's not a reason to be mad."

Mom!! Mom!!

But his shouts landed nowhere.

She continued to wash the dishes, before she stopped.

She looks straight ahead, right to his eyes.

"Don't resent him too much."

==~~==

"LLOYD!!"

Lloyd wakes up in cold sweat, every inch of his body drenched.

Javier quickly rushes to his side.

"Are you alright?"

Lloyd hitched, he can't breathe properly, breathing feels really hard, the air feels too sharp, too cold, his lungs refuse every pump.

"Should I call for the countess?"

Javier remembered how desperately Lloyd sounded as he shouted for his mom.

Just as he was about to leave, a cold hand stopped him.

"No..not the Countess."

Javier breathes a sigh of relief his master is finally lucid enough to answer his questions.

"Are you alright?"

The only question his master seems to avoid.

It's painful.

Every time he remembers his real parents, his parents in Seoul. Every warmth his memory gives him is just another degree added to the coldness their decision left him in.

They loved him.

But they abandoned him.

They truly did love him, why wouldn't they? He is their only son, their one and only pride and joy, and yet they left him.

Lloyd's breath begins to hitch again.

"Why did you abandon me?"

Javier looks at him, confused.

"Young master- No, Lloyd."

Javier kneels beside Lloyd, making sure that they are eye level.

"I will never do that."

Javier squished Lloyd's hand for reassurance.

But something must have been wrong, instead of colour returning to his face, Lloyd's face became paler.

This is probably not the best time to ask, but tragically this might be the only time he is brave enough to do so.

"What if…"

Lloyd speaks softly, he is terrified, but Javier won't let go of his hand.

"What if I am not Lloyd."

Javier is stunned.

"Whatever you mean, Young Master?"

Javier takes out his other hand making sure to hold both of his hands gently.

"I am not Lloyd."

This is the most lucid Javier has ever seen Lloyd in the past hour, his voice clear, leaving little room for doubt.

"I.."

Javier isn't sure what to answer, he has pondered the idea, but he didn't expect the truth to be handed just like that, who is he then? What happens to Lloyd? When did he replace Lloyd?

"It started off two years ago."

Lloyd begins to explain.

Each word that came from his mouth feels unbelievable.

Seoul? Korea? Civil engineering?

"Why? Why must you tell me now?"

Lloyd swallows his own spit, he can't take it anymore, every day he spends in the County, every single time he responds to the name that isn't even his, he can feel his own self deteriorating, will he even respond if someone calls him by his real name? Or will he simply forget? Replaced by a name that his parents didn't even give to him.

"I can't take it anymore."

-Lloyd- Suho speaks, his tone defeated.

He gently let his hand slip from Javier's gentle grip.

He touched the hilt of Javier's sword, the sword that has countlessly worked under his command, and this time it's just like any other time he asked Javier for a favor.

"Kill me."

Javier's heart stings.

"What..?"

"Haven't you heard what I say? Kill me."

-Lloyd- Suho is scared, who wouldn't be? He has exposed himself, red handed, confessing to the sin he unwittingly took a part of, stealing someone's life.

The price can only be paid by equal.

"I-"

-Lloyd- Suho pulls Javier's sword, his hand light, just like a thief, for that the person he is.

But just as Lloyd brings the blade close to his chest, the smell of blood brings him back to his senses.

"No.."

Lloyd eyes widen, looking at the sword that injures his own master.

What if he loses a finger? For a sword master, hands are the most important part of their body, and so, their fingers by extension.

Llo- 

"No, I am Suho."

Suho speaks, still in shock, looking at the blood that is dripping from Javier's hand.

"Why? Why did you stop me?"

He kept looking paler and paler.

"I.. I already know."

Javier took the chance to lower the blade, taking it out of Lloyd's hand.

"I have suspected it for a very long time, from the moment you apologized to the bar owner."

Javier continues to speak as he tossed his most precious sword, discarding it as if it's nothing.

Lloyd tries to stop the bleeding, he quickly grabs the nearest pillow and tries to take the pillow case.

"Maybe even a little bit before then."

Lloyd wrapped the pillow case, wishing for it to be tight enough so that Javier's hand would stop bleeding.

"So why did you-"

"I don't know, it was merely suspicion at first, but after a while I become more certain, you are a completely different person."

-Lloyd- Suho is now full on panicking.

Javier could see it in his eyes, Suho is asking whether the Frontera family will even forgive him, but unbeknown to him, they all already did, for a long time now.

"The Count and Countess know, they have known for a long time too."

Javier hugged Lloyd.

"They just wanted to hear it, right from your own tongue."

"So please.."

Javier can feel Lloyd's grip tighten at the back of his shirt.

"Don't give up."

Lloyd continues to sob, he doesn't deserve such warmth, but the warmth is the only thing that is keeping him from asking, are you still here?

For all he knows, as quickly as he got transported to the body that isn't even his, he might one day wake up just to realise everything is just a ruse.

He hugged Javier tighter.

Maybe for tonight, just this one night, he can finally feel a little at ease.