Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The blows softly on SMG4’s castle. The leaves fall off the trees, signalling the end of the spring cycle. To most, it’s a time to bundle up and get ready for the cold.

But not for those inside the blue hat inspired castle, it was a bittersweet celebration. Because the spring cycle wasn’t the only thing ending inside there.

…

Inside, the entire main foyer is dark. The lights are down.

POP! A spotlight goes on a small Asian man in white overalls, a blue shirt, and a blue hat. He smiles sadly as a band of  Koopas strikes up.

We’ll meet again!

Don’t know where, Don’t know when!

But I know we’ll meet again some sunny day!

The castle isn’t empty. In tables surrounding the man are all his friends. Similar men in overalls and caps, anime girls with multi-colored hair, cyborgs, creatures, monsters, and memes.

On the tallest table of them all, a chunky plush toy version of the singing man records him for a livestream on YouTube.

Keep smiling through

Just like you, always do!

Till the blue skies drive the dark clouds

Far Away!

So will you please say hello,

To the folks I don’t know

Tell them I won’t be long!

They’ll be happy to know

That as you saw me go!

I was singing, this song!

As the band rises and the song gains momentum, all of his friends stand up, hold hands, and follow him in suit.

We’ll meet again!

Don’t know where, Don’t know when!

But I know we’ll meet again!

SOME

SUNNY DAY!

The lights dim again. The man looks at the phone and smiles. His eyes red from his tears.

“This is SMG4 saying one last time, thanks for watching, and keep memeing!”

The lights turn off. The Beeg SMG4 sniffles a little bit as he turns the camera.

The spotlight reveals that one person is giving the performance a standing ovation.

In a fancy tux, it’s actual cannibal Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf. He’s giving this performance the ultimate ovation.

He calmly sits down after a minute of applauding. Beeg SMG4 ends the livestream.

“It’s over! It’s done!” Shia says from his seat.

The lights go back up. Most of the crowd is in tears and they give the final livestream a rousing ovation.

SMG4, the man in white and blue, grabs the mic while cleaning away his tears. “Thank you everybody! That was the greatest finale I think we could have made for this channel!”

SMG4: Former YouTuber, Meme Guardian, Hobo

From the audience, a fat Italian man in blue overalls, a red shirt and hat, and a thiccc mustache pats him on the back. “That was a so good! Mario’s pingas says it was a perfect! WA-HOO!”

MARIO: Nintendo’s Golden Boy, Fat Italian, Professional Pasta Humper

A similar looking man to Mario hugs SMG4. “It was amazing! I’m… SO HAPPY!” He squeaked out before bursting into tears.

LUIGI: Mario’s Brother, Nintendo’s Silver Boy, Coward

“Aw guys, I’m glad you liked it.” SMG4 remarks.

“We loved it!” Luigi states.

“It was good, but it didn't rain spaghetti at the end. Then it would be a perfect!” Mario stupidly says. SMG4 rolls his eyes while smirking.

“You guys have been my best friends since my USB port landed in this universe. I wouldn’t have had it any other way!” 4 gladly states. This just causes Luigi to cry harder.

Two more of 4’s friends approach him and the Mario Brothers. One is a wee little lass with orange hair and in white and black sports clothes. The other is a gamer girl with blue hair, a blue jacket, black pants, and a cute rubber duckie in her cybernetic left arm.

“That was amazing!” The Orange one screams.

“It was so… beautiful!” The Gamer Girl squeaks before crying like Luigi.

MEGGY SPLETZER: Inkling turned human, former athlete turned smol bean crime fighter

TARI: Gamer Girl Cyborg and member of the Hugh Neutron Duck Society

SMG4 smiles and hugs his female friends. “Meggy, Tari! I’m just glad Mario introduced me to you guys along the way. You helped us out of a couple of jams!”

“You’re welcome!” Mario blabs. “Mario’s so good at making badass friends!”

“Only because SMG4 never leaves his room!” A big-ass lady with pink hair, in a purple skirt, and in a black jacket and shirt sarcastically quips. “And most of the jams we get in, are directly because of you!” She says, pointing at Mario, whose head shrinks in fear.

Saiko Bichitaru: Rock Goddess, Former Psycho… still a bitch

“Aw, Saiko! I’m glad you came!” SMG4 smiles. Saiko smiles, but still keeps up her angry front.

“I only came because Kaizo wanted to!” She lies. Her friend, Kaizo, glares at her. Kaizo looks similar to Saiko in anime tone, but with devil horns, and him being a dude.

“Hey! You told me we’re showing up because you love and support your friends!” he spits back.

Saiko blushes as everybody goes, AWWW.

“You do care!” Mario screams as he hugs Saiko’s leg.

“Off the merch!” She screams as she drop-kicks Mario into the wall.

“I regret nothing!” CRASH!

Kaizo looks up into the sky. “HEY! Where’s my cool description?” he screams.

“Sorry, you’re just a side character.” Luigi empathetically explains.

Kaizo turns red. “WHAT?”

“Welcome to the club.” One of the Plumbers in the crowd sadly remarks. He’s in green overalls and a light blue hat and shirt. He is X. Next to him is an equally pissed plumber in a yellow and red uniform. He is FM.

“You’re a key member of the golden years, appearing in almost every episode for 3 years straight, and you only get a guest role in the final War of the Fat Italians.” FM laments.

“I used to host them!” X screams.

A plumber in black overalls and a purple shirt and hat pats SMG4 on the back. “I’ll admit 4, you did pretty good. But you quit before me, so I WIN!”

SMG3: Rival turned Frienemy, Meme Guardian, Coffee Shop Owner, and Therapist

“I didn’t quit 3, I retired!” 4 says happily. He reaches into his pocket. “See, I have the money to prove it!”

He pulls out a penny slug and a gumball. “That’s more than MatPat had when he retired! I did pretty good!”

3 blushes and smiles for his… “friend”. “Hey, I’m just glad we became friends by the end. We kept it real.” A white Eggdog jumps to 3, who begins spoiling him. “Isn’t that right, Eggdog? We did become good friends!”

“Congrats 4!” A sweet and calm voice rings out. The group turns to see a girl in a watermelon themed hoodie and skirt smiling at them.

“Aw, thanks Melony!” 4 states.

MELONY: Watermelon turned Manga Artist with the powers of God

“I know that Axol and all our late friends would’ve loved watching this.” Melony sadly surmises.

A touch of melancholia hits the group. Meggy, Mario, and SMG3 are hit the hardest, each remembering their late friends Desti, Greg the Alien, and Terrence the Ugandan Echidna.

“We might have lost a few friends along the way, but I’m just glad we got a chance to know such great people!” SMG4 optimistically states. “We have a whole future to survive, and they helped us live to see tomorrow.”

“I’m glad to be your friend too!” A voice cracks and breaks from the side. A cyan and lime green amphibian in sandals smiles while holding a body pillow of Isabelle from Animal Crossing.

FISHY BOOPKINS: Weeb and local salad lookin’ muta fucka

“Hey, my description was very mean!”

“At least you GOT one!” X laments.

Besides Boopkins, a dude wearing a full body robe with swords pops out of the crowd, holding a bottle of wine.

“HeLl YeAh BoI! TiMe To BlOw ThIs PoPsTaNd!” He says robotically before shattering the wine with his swords. “GoD dAmMiT!”

BOB: Local Rapper/Hobo/Con Artist/Hotel Proprietor

“We’re not throwing another major raver. The last one nearly destroyed the castle.” SMG4 sternly proclaims.

“yOu MeAn ThE sTiLl UnFiNiShEd CaStLe?”

“Shut it.”

“I must admit 4, you impressed me.” A tired, cynical, yet earnest voice said. An anthro cat in a barista’s uniform and thick glasses smiles at him while sipping a cup of coffee.

“The fact that you lasted this long in one job without any mouths to feed is admirable.”

KAREN KATPHISH: Local Wage Slave/Mother/Retired Assassin

“Not entirely true.” 3 states.

“What do you mean?” 4 asks inquisitively.

Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, instantly points to Mario, who is sucking on a plate of spaghetti. “Whazzap?” he screams.

“Point taken.”

Two soldiers jump on the stage. The only difference is one has a mustache while the other has scars on their face.

“I’ll say, that was a pretty good video!” The Scar faced one says. “It even made Swag cry!”

“I did not cry Chris, my eyes were just pissing… the entire time!” The mustached one says before weeping again.

CHRIS GORDMAN: Soldier and Swag’s handler.

SWAGMASTER69696969: Soldier and public nuisance.

“Hey! Why don’t we get any cool colors?!” Swag laments.

"Because AOO3 doesn't do colored fonts" Chris explains.

SMG4 is in tears but has a great feeling of pride inside him now. All of his friends, beside him thick and thin, supportive of him to the very end.

“Guys,” he says, voice cracking. “When I thought of retiring, I was terrified for the future. But you guys have taught me something. Good friends help you, but true friends are loyal. You guys are more than true friends, and I’m lucky to have even met you guys.”

This calls for a group hug. Emotions high, everybody embraces in a joyous symbol of years of friendship.

Nothing could break them apart.

“HeY sMg4!” Bob states in the middle of the group hug. “nOw ThAt YoU’vE eNdEd YoUr OnLy SoUrCe Of InCoMe, NoW wHaT aRe YoU gOnNa Do FoR iNcOmE lIkE bAsIc SpEnDiNg MoNeY aNd PrOpErTy TaX?”

The glass shatter sound effect plays as SMG4 turns pale white and his eyes shrink. All of his friends take instant notice.

“oh…. Fuck.”

It was at this moment he knew...

He fucked up.

It’s Always Sunny in the Mushroom Kingdom

SMG4 Finds Gainful Employment

...

One Day Later

SMG4 was in the castle, reading the want-ads.

“Uh… I didn’t think anybody used these anymore.” he questions.

Luigi waves off his concerns while cleaning up the mess from the previous night. For some reason, he’s wearing a maid’s uniform. “Nonsense. I used the want-ads to get my 127 jobs! You can use them to find one!”

SMG4 remains unsure. He quickly pulls out his phone. Usually, he uses it to meme, but he restrains himself and instead searches for job listings. “Gonna have to get used to using this thing outside of social media and YouTube.”

He clicks on one of the top results. “There, easy enough.” words said before disaster in three two…

“HEL-LO! YOU APPLY FOR JOB!” The website’s AI bot says before thousands of virus ridden, bandwidth-hogging attachments appear on the screen.

“YOU WORK FOR YEAR, HOW LONG? SKILL? CREDIT CARD. HEL-LO! SERVO RAN OUT!”

SMG4’s brain begins melting as the website crashes and the server goes 404.

“Oh yeah, applying online sucks, just go in and use the ads.” Luigi states, having been there and done that.

4, having shut down his phone to save it, shakes his before looking over the ads. “Welp, might as well start hunting.”

…

JOB ONE: OFFICE SPACE

The white overalls and blue shirt have been replaced with black pants and a white shirt. SMG4 left his hat at home, and has instead cleaned up his black hair.

Corporate Cubicles. A large 6 story office building. The company’s logo, “We Do Something”

Inside, 4 goes through the thousands of cubicles. Depressed schmucks endlessly type away at green screens. Leading 4 through this catacomb of useless busy work is the HR Department Lead, a tall woman with a false smile that has been surgically formed.

“We here at Corporate Cubicles believe in an inclusive work environment, and we’d love to have a youth in our company culture!” she states with enough sugary energy to kill a diabetic.

“Uh, thanks ma’am. I’m glad to be considered.” 4 says politely.

“Just a few questions before I consider starting the hiring process” she cheerfully states.

“Yeah-what?”

“Do you have ten years of experience in website designing?” she asks.

“N-no… I thought this was an entry level job!” SMG4 protests.

“OH! No-No! No-no-no-no!” The bitch says “This is an advanced job with entry level PAY! There’s a difference.”

“Uh… I mean I have 14 years worth of experience in the YouTube scene. There’s a lot of overlap.” 4 starts.

“Erm… TISK!... ta-ta…. No. I’m sorry, 4 years too many.” The HR Woman remarks. She takes 4’s job application and adds it to a pile of them, that is currently the size of a drum set!

“But I thought you needed this job filled. Like, desperately!” 4 protests.

“Na, I just need to fulfill my job quota.” she says smiling. “I can always get somebody else to do it for unpaid overtime!”

Her neck then extends by 15 feet. She slinks it over a cubicle to one of the suckers working it in.

“PETER. YOU WILL WORK THIS WEEKEND AND UPDATE OUR WEBSITE FOR NO EXTRA PAY!” Her eyes roll back in her head as drool and blood froth from her mouth. She smiles like a serial killer ready to strike another victim.

Peter meanwhile, just bows his head. “aw man…”

SMG4, rightfully terrified, jumps out of the wall and nopes the fuck out of dodge!

...

JOB TWO: FINE DINING, and BREATHING

SMG4 finds himself in all white in the kitchen of a fancy restaurant. And when I say fancy, I mean 5 Michelin star fancy!

He and all the other cooks, including BOWSER, the Koopa King himself, all wait in line.

“I’m so glad you joined the world of Fine Dining and Breathing 4! You’re gonna love it!” Bowser happily states.

“Yeah! I’ve never been bad with cooking. This can’t be too horrible. better than the cubicle.” 4 remarks.

Suddenly, Jeeves, a fork in a black suit, marches to the front of the chefs. “ALRIGHT! We’ve got a full house today! Chef ROM ROM GRAMSEY!?”

SLAM! From the back doors, a British man with blonde hair marches in. The TV chef with a mouth, Rom Rom Gramsey.

All of the chefs begin sweating bullets, afraid of what he’ll say next.

Rom Rom walks to the front of the kitchen and glares at the troops.

“Alright donkeys, today we will be serving risotto, scallops, lamb, with a side soup of either chicken baked or wedding. For deserts, Chef Koopa will be cooking up a surprise. Let’s do this ladies!”

The Chefs instantly get to work. Pans begin to heat up, ovens are pre-heated, knives are sharpened.

Inside the dining section, Jeeves and his legion of servers welcome in everybody who was lucky to get a reservation. Everybody is dressed in their Sunday Bests.

SMG4 begins to cook scallops like crazy. Despite not being an experienced chef, he knows enough that you can’t cook them too long, or else they burn.

Jeeves meanwhile, rushes around getting everybody’s orders. One of these comes from a Scarecrow with a jack-o-lantern for a head. We call him… Rob.

“hello! i will take anything with corn on it!” Rob states.

“Corn risotto?” Jeeves asks.

“corn yes!”

SMG4 sends up the scallops. “Scallops Chef!”

Rom Rom glares at it and back at 4. “What the bloody fuck is this?”

“Scallops Chef?”

“THEY’RE BURNED! BURNED LIKE THE CORPSES OF ALL THE DEAD CHILDREN IN WACO YOU STUPID FUCK!” he screams.

SMG4 is at a loss for words. “How can?”

“HOW?” Rom Rom screams. He touches a scallop, it giggles. “It’s fucking rubbery! Rubbery like the FUCKING DILDO I STUCK IN MY SHITTY ARSE THIS MORNING! YOU ARE A STUPID FUCKING PRICK!”

SMG4 is beginning to tremble in fear. “I was told this would be intense, but holy shi-”

“FUCK OFF!”

Rom Rom kicks the fat Italian out of the restaurant through the roof! He becomes a shooting star!

…

JOB THREE: RESCUE MY BAR DADDY!

In his usual attire now, SMG4 has traded a fancy kitchen for a shitty dive bar. Drunkards scream and beat the shit out of each other as 4 tries to serve a plate of drinks to a full table of TF2 Demomen.

“Ok, 6 bottles of pure spirits?” he asks.

The one Demoman stares at him. Like a deer looks at an oncoming truck going 75 miles per hour down a highway blasting his horn.

4 embraces for whatever nonsense is about to happen.

“Oi lad! Watch me puke out me fokin’ guts!” he screams before vomiting on SMG4.

The force knocks SMG4 on his ass, shattering the bottles. “Ow my ass!” he screams.

His new boss, Tapper Jonathan, glares at him and the mess. “Ya spilled a bunch of beers all over the place, making a mess, WHICH IS YOU!”

SMG4 looks at him, experiencing deja vu.

“You’re a fucking disgrace! You’re a mess, your family doesn’t love you, you’re gonna die alone, your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!” He screams.

“Hey… I think I’ve seen this shtick before.” 4 ponders before getting suplexed out the front window.

“I’m shuttin’ ya’ down!”

…

JOB FOUR: CONSTRUCTION, BUILD IT UP UP UP!

On top of a building, SMG4 happily nails roof shingles in place.

“ALL DONE!” 4 stands up to admire his work, only to learn he nailed the last shingle into his hand!

“AH! AAAAAA!” He screams, trying to run away from the pain.

He ends up taking all of the shingles off the roof. He trips and falls on his ass down below.

“Ow my ass…”

Suddenly, his foreman, JonTron, slams a toolbox into his head. “If you listened to the worker safety videos you’d still be alive right now! STOP IT GLITCHY!”

…

JOB FIVE: RETAIL

God can’t save you now 4.

SMG4 and Karen await in the check-out lines for the store to open. SMG4 is looking rough and bruised up, but still ready to take it on. Karen meanwhile hits her vape.

“Got desperate enough to take on this hellhole?” Karen asks.

“Listen, my last 3 jobs have ended with me getting hurt, and there were no micromanaging side departments to scare the shit out of me!” SMG4 states. “I can live through dealing with the public.

“Shouldn’t have said that.”

And on cue, the public is let in. Thousands of people burst through the door. SMG4’s smile vanishes into pure horror.

To describe the scene in detail would cause this fan fic to get an explicit rating… and be a waste of computer data, so I’ll only list the highlights.

A bunch of Kids raid the cleaning supplies section and begin drinking bleach for internet views.

A bunch of college girls begin stealing shit and filming themselves on their IPhones. “Shoplifting to protest Capitalism! Hashtag Socialist babes on Instagram!”

And to top it all off, a big fat woman approaches SMG4 and Karen.

“Oh my Gawd!” 4 screams.

The woman, I’m gonna call Mongo, is ugly, mean looking, has around 3 teeth left, and looks like she caused all the famines in Ireland by eating everything in sight. She glares at our two poor minimum wage workers.

“WHY CAN’T I USE FOOD STAMPS TO BUY CIGARETTES! I NEED MY SMOKES! WHERE YER MANAGER?” She bellows.

4 is shaking in his seat while Karen rolls her eyes. “The door’s to your left chap.”

4 runs away, screaming his head off. Karen meanwhile takes a deep breath.

“Remember Karen…” she mutters. “The only thing they fear…

Is you!”

Doom Music begins blasting as Karen gives an evil grin to Mongo. She pulls out a wooden cooking spoon-

The following part of the story has been removed due to violations of AOO3, FCC, Jewish, Islamic, and Catholic Doctrine

…

JOB SIX: IN THE NAVY ARMY!

SMG4 has found himself once again in uniform and in an Army U-Boat. Chris and Swag stand next to him, all armed to the teeth.

“I’m sorry, but shouldn’t we be at boot camp?” 4 asks.

“Yeah… we’re kinda strapped on volunteers right now, so get fucked!” Swag states with his usual level of maturity.

“Sorry SMG4, but this kinda happened at the last minute.” Chris ads.

“Time to go to war mother fucker!” Swag screams.

“I just shit my pants.” 4 mutters as Mr. Blue Sky begins blasting across the war zone.

Mornin’, Today’s forecast calls for blue skies!

The UBoats begin their drop.

BOOM! BANG!

Bullets and explosions begin rocking the UBoats. Soldiers are instantly shot to pieces as Swag and Chris elegantly jump over board. SMG4 however is thrown overboard by an explosion.

On the beach, thousands of Minions, yes the yellow pill shapes that wine moms love memes of on Facebook, lead the defense.

“BANANA!” They scream as they fight over the invading soldiers.

SMG4 hides behind a sand dune, trembling in fear. “I’M GOING TO DIE!”

A Minion jumps on top of the dune. “BANANA POO-KA!”

BOOM! SMG4 ends the gibberish with a bullet.

The former YouTuber looks across the battlefield. Soldiers bleeding out, some picking up their own limbs.

“The fuck am I doing here?” he ponders to himself as the battle continues.

Swag and Chris meanwhile, are in the zone!

“You lift 16 tons, what do you get? Another day older and ya’ deeper in debt!” Swag sings as he mows down Minions.

“All in a hard day’s work.” Chris sings as he thwacks the enemies with a shovel.

From the top of the sand dunes, Gru, a tall European man and the Minion’s master, sees the losing battle.

“MINIONS!” he screams. “IT’S TIME TO GRU!”

All of the surviving Minions begin fleeing for their lives. Gru follows them but not before a final threat. “WE’LL GET YOU NEXT TIME! Oh I hate those guys…”

The battle is over, the beach is secured!

“We did it! We won! The Army won a battle for once!” Swag cheers. All of the surviving Soldiers celebrate.

Well almost all of them. SMG4 is on the ground crying in a ball.

“Congratulations men!” Chris states. “We have secured Mark’s favored spot for his Barbie Dreamhouse!”

“WHAT?” SMG4 screams.

“Oh yeah, we only invaded this beach because Gru wouldn’t let Mark build his vacation house.” Chris responds.

SMG4’s brain is making the fax machine noises, trying to comprehend the violence, bloodshed, and horror being for nothing!

“Who wants to invade something else?” Swag asks.

“FUCK YES!” The other Soldiers scream. Everybody begins celebrating as Barbie Girl blasts from the Air Raid sirens.

SMG4 meanwhile just melts like silly puddy.

…

JOB SEVEN: INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY, or How I Get Paid 23 Dollars an Hour by Telling People to Plug in the Damn Computer

SMG4 slowly crawls to his latest job choice. After a day of getting thrown through windows, scared of humanity, and shot at, his newest choice was quiet.

too quiet.

A plain internet and technology building. Engie’s Technology. 4 takes a deep breath before slowly entering.

Inside, The Red Engineer from TF2 reads over SMG4’s application. “A’ight son, yer good!”

4 is almost at a loss for words. “That’s it? Not Hiring Departments?”

“Nope. Yer hired!”

“No rude customers? No crazy bosses? No bullets?”

“This ain’t Dust Bowl and the Mann Brothers are dead son, yer good!” Engie said before moonwalking away.

“Too quiet..”

…

In the top floor, SMG4 found himself building PCs and repairing internet servos. In the center of the room, a giant WIFI block glows blue as it hums along.

“It’s something I’m good at. I’ve just… never had a normal job.” he ponders to himself as his co-worker Whimpu walks in.

“It is actually a really good job. We spend all day in a climate controlled office on the internet!”

“I guess you got a good point.”

“I heard you retired from the internet. When’s your retirement party happening?” Whimpu asks.

SMG4’s face drops as Whimpu raises an eyebrow. “You forgot about me didn’t you?”

“No! No! No-No NO NO!” SMG4 tries to excuse himself.

“I was an important character for a solid year! You realize that?” Whimpu confronts 4 with.

“I know! I know! It’s just-”

“SMG3’s arc and the ensuing chaos. Friday Night Funkin’ Series!” Whimpu points out.

“Listen when you’re forced by a singing TV screen to be Fred from Scooby Doo, you tend to forget somethings!” SMG4 counter argues with.

“I was here working the past few years!” Whimpu shouts back. “Work-ing! I was making money to afford Saiko-chan’s OnlyFans.”

“Saiko has an OnlyFans?”

“No…” Whimpu sadly states. “But the day she does! I’ll support my Tall Queen till the day I die!”

Engie walks past the duo. “Ain’t that kinda fan fic boy.”

“Aw…”

The door slams open! “Alright Guys!” A sugary voice echoes out.

SMG4 turns to see… much to his shock…

A young woman in pink overalls and a hat, a white dress, and with purple and blue hair. She smiles and her eyes shine the second she sees SMG4. “BOSS?!”

“MINION?” SMG4 responds.

Minion entraps 4 in a bear hug. “It’s been years! I can’t believe after all this time, we’d meet again with me as your boss!”

“BOSS?”

“Oh, right!” Minion does a twirl before showing her name tag. “Minion, Branch Manager of Engie Technology! Going on 7 years!”

“Is that how long it’s been since you’ve been in one of my adventures?” 4 asks.

“Actually it’s longer, took me a while to find my reason to live after you no longer wanted to be my boss!” Minion states.

“So he fired you?” Whimpu asks.

“Nope! You can’t hire unmitigated loyalty! Only greatly disencourage it!” Minion sings. “But now I’m your boss, Old Boss!”

Minion laughs as she skips to her station. 4 is left gobsmacked.

“Ok team!” Minion starts. “We’ve got a lot to fix and upkeep today. If we work together, we can be done in an hour and spend the rest of the day relaxing and improving on our existing technology!”

…

One Hour Later, 4 finds himself in a shockingly tepid state of mind. He’s used to working on computers all day, he built his own PC rig, so working on internet servos and building computer parts isn’t that hard of a job for him.

Even dealing with customers isn’t too difficult.

“No, listen, all that porn on your hardware is melting it! You need either a new hard drive, or you need to get rid of it!” 4 firmly states.

“WeLl FuCk ThAt OpTiOn! ThIs Is FoUr YeArS oF hArD wOrK aNd MoNkEy SpAnKiNg To JuSt DeLeTe It!” Bob responds.

SMG4 sighs. “Ok Bob, I know where you live, I can bring a new hard drive over and charge you there. Ok?”

“SuRe ThInG iT gUy ThAt WiErDlY sOuNdS lIkE mY uNeMpLoYeD fRiEnD sMg4!” Bob foolishly remarks before hanging up.

4 smirks as he hangs up. “The look on his face is gonna be priceless!” he starts off laughing. “Old me would’ve made a meme out of it.” His joy becomes a melancholic sigh.

He leaves his desk to grab a cup of water. He looks out across the city. The clouds are covering up the sun and the sky.

He shakes his head, still unsure of his new position in life.

Minion approaches her old boss. “Enjoying yourself today Old Boss?”

“Trying to. Still strange to think about.” he starts.

“What’s strange? You working for me?”

“That, and the fact that my channel is done.”

Minion sadly gasps. “They finally demonetized you?”

“No! Not that. I ended it myself. 14 years of memeing, and I finally got tired of it. That’s why I’ve been working here now, trying to figure myself out without instant internet access.”

SMG4 finishes his cup. “But you know what, all things considered and how things usually go, I think today hasn’t been half bad-”

CRACK! The sky instantly turns blood red as sirens begin blasting across the Kingdom.

“And other times, I need to learn to shut the fuck up!” 4 growls.

Suddenly

SMASH!

Kermit the Frog with the missing textures font from GMOD bursts in, screaming his head off.

“Kermit THE Frog here, here to eat ass and kick gum. And I need more ass!”

Kermit instantly smacks Whimpu on the ass, breaking his pelvis. “YEAH!” The Demented Frog screams as he runs away.

“OW… GAWD this is NOT how I imagined breaking that bone!” Whimpu screams as he falls to the floor.

Minion is in a state of panic while SMG4 rolls his eyes. “Tuesday for me.” 4 mutters.

“It’s the apocalypse!” Minion screams.

Engie smokes a cigar and smells the air. “End of times boi…”

“Probably not. I’ve seen blood skies before.” SMG4 points out. “Mario probably ran over some Eldritch God’s foot again. Give ‘em a few minutes and they’ll befriend each other like they usually do.”

Suddenly, a blue portal opens in the room. SMG3 and two technicolor block characters with scars of missing textures exit from it. The two blocks are SMG1 and SMG2. The Original Meme Guardians.

“It’s the end of the universe!” SMG1 states.

“DAMMIT!” 4 screams.

“Now what?” Whimpu demands as he tries to stitch his ass back together.

“The meme life cycle is in complete disarray!” SMG2 starts. “Memes aren’t being started, nor are they developing!”

“Complete stagnation!!” SMG3 adds. “No memes can leave the Graveyard, and the ones that aren’t in the Graveyard can’t retire or rest!”

“What does that mean?” SMG4 asks.

SMG1 sighs and nods at 3. “4…” 3 sadly starts. “We need you to unretire.”

SMG4’s ears begin ringing as his world goes dark. “What?”

“Now, I know that sounds bad.” 3 starts.

“Sounds bad? SOUNDS BAD?” SMG4 starts. “I retired and everything, you all saw me do that! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?!”

1 and 2 look at each other. “In our defense, we made a calculated oopsie.” 1 says.

SMG3 sadly sighs and points at the red sky. “Sorry man, but you gotta go back to making memes and working on YouTube. We need you to create new memes again.”

SMG4 trembles in place. Is it anger? Is it fear? Is it sadness?

The 3 SMGs wait for a response.

“NO! AAA!” 4 snaps mentally before running away, having a full-blown panic attack.

“Old Boss! Wait!” Minion calls, chasing after him. 1, 2, and 3 are silent.

“Honestly I didn’t expect him to react like that.” 3 admits.

...

Minion runs through the dark corners of the complex building, searching for her old boss. She follows the increasingly loud sounds of…

Someone crying?

“Old Boss?” she asks.

Under the stairs, SMG4 is watching YouTube on his phone, crying. Minion slowly approaches him, sitting next to him.

4 is watching his old channel. The video he’s watching, Who Let the Chomp Out?

Minion giggles. “I remember this one. It got you famous!”

SMG4 just sadly watches.

“14 years I did this.” he starts. “14 years. Everyday I memed. New memes, old memes, a bit of both… Specials, live-streams, ranking videos, vlogs. 14 years of that, you know how many days that is?”

Minion attempts to do the math. Her brain begins smoking.

“I googled it.” 4 admits. “5110 days. Christmas, Birthdays, Funerals. I had friends who died, and I still memed.

For the first 10 years or so, I did it because I was having fun. I liked making silly videos that made people laugh. It wasn’t until it became my job as a Super Meme Guardian that it stopped.”

SMG4 pauses the video and begins remembering the not-so-glory years. Niles possessing Axol, Zero’s dimension, The YouTube and Nintendo Wars, It’s Gotta Be Perfect, Puzzlevision.

“I should be remembering the good ol’ times, but it gets hard when the worst of times is the most recent. I had to make better and better content. I almost died when Nintendo got involved. My friend’s boyfriend was killed by the first version of me! I destroyed the castle and ruined Peach’s life when I threw myself into my work. Somehow, when I learned I would make memes everyday, it stopped becoming a passion, but almost a curse.”

SMG4 begins tearing up as his bad mental state begins running a train on his emotions. “I wanted to find myself by ending the channel, and now I can’t even do that. I’m stuck doing something I don’t want to do anymore, and I used to love it!”

That’s all 4 can say before choking on his own tears. His throat tries to stop the crying, his body’s almost ashamed that he’s sad like this.

Minion is heartbroken, her own old boss is having a breakdown.

“And 3 gets to have his cake and eat it too!” 4 continues, his red eyes pushing out more tears that his body can make. “He can run his own channel, run a coffee and bomb shop, be a therapist, all while running the Graveyard! I can’t even get a job, DELELTING PORN!”

SMG4 snaps, he punches the wall. The concrete breaks, and his hand begins swelling.

He sighs, calming down. “I guess I’m selfish for wanting to live my own life.”

“It’s not a bad thing.” Minion finally speaks up. 4 looks at her.

“I was created in a lab by Mario. I’m half you, half spaghetti noodle! I was supposed to be your loyal servant, but you didn’t want one. My name is Minion, what kind of minion am I without a master?

I spent… years looking for a new purpose, and I found one. Following my own path. I can still be my own person, but still be ready to help you in a second!” Minion smiles warmly at 4. “And if I can offer some advice to my old boss, I’m sure you can find a way to be a meme guardian and live your own life as 4!”

SMG4 smiles, comforted by the kind words. Suddenly…

LIGHT BULB! Literally, the light bulb above his head begins shining the second he has an idea.

“Minion…” 4 begins before turning into an angel from the Heavens, “I HAVE AN IDEA!”

“Become angels and embrace a higher power in the face of death?” Minion asks, reminding us that she’s half spaghetti noodle!

4 pauses in his tracks before taking the costume off. “What? No!

Well not yet. I think I can fix this mess and keep myself from being a hermit again! And you can help!”

“What? Me?!”

4 smiles before holding his hand out. “Despite all the time, you’re still my minion, and minions always help out the boss, new or old!”

Minion’s smile grows to the size of a banana. She gives her old boss a massive bearhug, audibly snapping several bones.

“my bottom ribs…”

“Let’s save the world boss!” Minion screams, dragging him away.

…

Minion and SMG4 make it to the main office, where most of the roof is missing. 1, 2, and 3 are using meme energy to bitch-smack the corrupted memes away.

“Glad your panic attack is finished!” SMG3 screams, forgetting his therapy talk. “In the meantime, the entire roof was eaten by CaseOh.”

The remainder of the roof is eaten by the popular streamer CaseOh. “Alright chat, that’s enough of my before dinner snack, time for my after snack before dinner snack!”

The Giant walks away as everybody tries to understand what in the hell he just said.

“Guys! Listen!” 4 interrupts. “I know the universe is in chaos right now, but I’m not about to undo the promise I made to myself by going back to normal! But I think I have a way of making things work!”

“Have your cake and eat it too?” SMG1 dismissively starts.

“How?” SMG2 asks, genuinely curious. “This might lead to some new developments in the meme guardianship.”

“Ok! Listen up memers, this is when things get… complicated.” SMG4 states before his dramatic pause.

SMG3 quickly becomes impatient. “Enough with the dramatics, the world’s ending!”

“Fine! You’d think the play director would understand theatrics!” SMG4 bitches. “The meme life cycle involves the usage and creation of new and old memes. When they become stale, they rest until they become “Classic” and return.”

3 raises an eyebrow. “Point being?”

SMG4 points at the main internet servo in the room. “That servo controls the internet of the entire Mushroom Kingdom! It has enough computer power to rival my USB port! If we can connect my phone and YouTube account to it, we can possibly create a self-sufficient meme cycle!”

SMG2 instantly gets what he’s talking about. “Nuclear energy, but with memes!”

SMG1 however, is not convinced. “That’s never been done before!”

“That’s not the same as can’t.” 4 responds. He then points to Minion, Whimpu, and Engie. “Minion, I need you and the guys to program the servo for the merger! 3 and I will use our meme energy and connect them!”

“On it Old Boss!” Minion shouts with a salute.

4 holds out his hand, and 3 reluctantly takes it. “Hope you know what you’re doing.”

4 just laughs at that. “I HAVE NO IDEA!”

With that, SMGs 3 and 4 begin blasting pure golden meme energy towards the servo. Instantly, 4’s phone floats into the blast and begins fusing with the servo.

Minion and Whimpu begin coding like crazy. “Dude, you need better tastes in wank bait!” Whimpu complains.

3 and 4 begin to feel the effects of pure meme energy. Their knees begin buckling as they keep the meme fusion going. “Shouldn’t have… eaten those… 12 pies!” 3 grumbles.

Minion smiles and hums to herself as she types away. “Calibrating the YouTube account with the internet!”

3 and 4 continue to fuse the accounts together. 2 is watching in awe as 1 is more worried. This type of meme experimentation only happened once, and it didn’t end well for… anybody.

The Engie meanwhile, has smashed his wrench around, building 4 sentries that feed meme energy in and out of the machine. “Sentry up!”

Whimpu and Minion are almost done coding. Their fingers have been typing so fast, they’ve caught fire! “Just one last thing and the servo will be ready! What’s your YouTube Account Password?”

“MY WHAT?” SMG4 asks, horrified by what he must do.

“JUST SAY IT!” 3 barks.

Outside, the red sky gets deeper and deeper as the Memes continue to run amok.

CaseOh has set his eyes on the Giant Donut sculpture. “Chat, this thing is cooked!”

Mario is crying from the sidelines. “It’s just not fair! I wanted it first!”

4 meanwhile, swallows his last remaining dignity. “Fine… ILoveSonoftheMask69.”

SMG3 begins howling with laughter as Minion types it in. “DONE!”

The Meme Energy stops as the Servo begins glowing red like the sky. Everybody holds their breath.

The red becomes deeper and deeper…

“Did… did we pull a Niles?” SMG3 worriedly asks.

Suddenly, the Wii start-up music begins playing as the Servo glows yellow and green. Blasts of meme energy travel through the sentries and in and out of the machine. SMG4’s phone shines as the centerpiece of the new age of meme guardianship.

In the city streets, everybody’s phone dings at once as they try to avoid the corrupt memes. They all look at what just got recommended to them on social media.

It’s a meme of CaseOh trying to eat the donut sculpture. The minute he bites it, the two explode with the terrible Mid-2000s explosion effect screaming over it.

Everybody laughs at it. The Meme Cycle continues!

The red sky returns to a baby blue one, the corrupted memes become normal again… the world is normal again.

Kermit returns to normal and looks around. “Kermit the Frog, here to say, I hate my wife and our loveless marriage!"

Back at the tech place, SMGs 1, 2, 3, 4, Minion, Whimpu, and Engie smile at the saved universe.

“I’ll be…” SMG1 starts, genuinely impressed. “The universe is saved and the meme life cycle continues on its own.”

“This will get its own chapter in the meme history books!” 2 ads.

“That machine will need upkeep regularly to keep workin’ like it should be.” Engie states. “But in seein’ how you work here son, that ain’t much of a sweat.”

Engie pats SMG4 on the back, stabbing a company badge on his back.

Minion hugs 4 and 3. “Good work old boss!”

3 smirks at 4. “Must say 4, you and your mini-me did good.”

“Once again, we saved the universe.” 4 proudly states.

“Yeup, thanks to memes… and your shit taste in movies!” 3 states with one last jab to 4’s ego.

“Yeah shutupman…”

SMG2 looks out in the new hole in the wall and smiles. “Look at that sunset!”

The Guardians, Minion, Whimpu, and Engie look out at the sunset. Golden rays dance in between purple and pink hues as the dark indigo sky leads into the inky black night. It’s a Bob Ross painting in the real world.

Even the humorous sounding PsychicPebble Birds screaming by don’t detract from the beauty. It almost adds to it.

Memes and the natural beauty of the universe in harmony once again. Despite all the chaos and anarchy it causes, a trained eye can spot the wonders of it.

“It’s enough to make a grown man cry.” Engie mutters.

“It almost makes me forget the horrific pain I’m in.” Whimpu adds.

“Got everything you wanted?” SMG3 asks 4.

“Well… not yet.” 4 starts. “But I’m on the right track. I’ve got time to spend now, the universe is in harmony. I can finally do something different now.”

Everybody begins listening to his speech.

“It sucks that doing what I loved became a chore, that’s why I stopped. Give me another 5 years doing that, I’d be lucky to NOT be an AI channel producing videos on par with Cocomelon. So I’m making a new mark on the world.

I’m just glad my friends will be there for me, no matter what the future holds.”

SMG4 pats 3 and Minion on the back as they all watch the sunset.

The sun sets on an old life, and soon a new one will rise.

SMG4’s YouTube story might be done, but there’s always something else.

Chapter Text

SMG4’s first week without memeing is a lot like everybody’s first week without a cigarette. A lot of mental battles that make going through difficult.

It’s been around two weeks now. He’s still hungry, but less than he was at first. He still wants to continue his YouTube career, but since his phone and YouTube account are in an internet service machine in the middle of the city… it makes it easier than if it were in his pocket just about all the time.

He’d be lying if he didn’t miss it, but by now, it's a bit late to just go back. He wanted to retire, he’s retired.

…

One thing he never knew about retirement… It makes life quieter.

It was another day of work for 4, typing away at code, keeping the city’s internet running, and sipping coffee from 3’s shop to keep himself awake.

…

Raindrops are fallin’ on my head

And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed

Nothing seems to fit

Those raindrops are fallin’ on my head

The keep falling

Minion and 4 begin working on yet another project of theirs. Designing a new computer Master Computer.

“Ok!” Minion pips up. “Got most of the coding done that’ll connect the main system to the company’s firewalls! Got the big system done?”

SMG4 meanwhile, is tightening the last screws of the main system’s fan. “Just… gotta… get the fan… screwed in!”

His over-tightening results in him flinging his wrench through the room. It smashes into the water jug, spilling it into the carpet.

“Aw man…” Whimpu groans, unable to get his refill.

SMG4 and Minion silently state at each other. “I think the fan’s tight enough.” 4 mutters.

…

So I just did me some talkin’ to the sun

And I said I didn’t like the way he got things done

He’s sleepin’ on the job

Those raindrops keep fallin’ on my head

They keep fallin’

Newly created hardware for the company’s servos and the meme machine. SMG4 solders the final wires in and reconnects the machines.

The meme software begins to run and the meme machine/internet servo begins glowing baby blue once again.

That’s SMG4’s daily meme commitment. Bittersweet to say the least, but it keeps the cycle and the universe going.

“One day you won’t even look back.” 4 sadly mutters, still longing for the passion he lost.

…

But there’s one thing I know

The blues they send to meet me

Won’t defeat me!

It won’t be long ‘till happiness steps up to greet me

On the way home from work, SMG4 buys a taco from Waluigi’s Taco stand. On the streets, Yoshi, a green dinosaur, is currently fleeing the Chief of the Mushroom Kingdom Police Hal Monitor in a stolen car.

“STOP BREAKING THE LAW ASSHOLE!” Hal screams.

“SMILE, AND BLOW ME!” Yoshi responds with a hail of gunfire that does nothing to the robot.

Old SMG4 would be filming this, ready to make a thousand and one memes out of this. New SMG4…

eats his taco and passively watches the spectacle.

…

Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head

But that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turnin’ red

Crying’s not for me!

Cause, I’m never gonna stop the rain by complainin’

Because I’m free!

On his electric scooter, SMG4 takes the calm ride home through the woods, leading to the Showgrounds. He enjoys the music of B.J Thomas as the sun begins to set on another mundane day.

He makes it into the Showground, a former amusement park he turned into his new home/clubhouse for his friends. The Ferris Wheel’s lights turn on, signalling a good mood piece for the grounds.

4 looks around at the place he’s been calling home for 3 years now. The abandoned Pizzeria Mario and an evil Cardboard Crime Boss started, SMG3’s mostly unpopular coffee and weapons shop: III’s Coffee ‘n Bombs, the rotting remains of the abandoned Meme Factory, his Castle.

He smiles at the strange place he calls home. “Who knew a psychotic television set trying to trick us into slavery had good tastes in property value?”

It won’t be long ‘till happiness steps up to greet me

CLICK!

SMG4 shuts his music off. He whistles the tune as he locks in his scooter and enters his home.

…

SMG4 readies himself for an evening of video games, rest, and his angry friends confronting him in the Castle’s foyer.

…oh.

4 turns white and drops his helmet. All his friends, (Mario, Luigi, SMG3, Meggy, Tari, Saiko, Kaizo, Boopkins, Boopkin’s younger brother Jub Jub, Bob, Melony, and Tari’s red-haired competitor/friend Belle Fontiere) are in the castle, giving him the evil eyes.

Well, except for JubJub… he’s too busy playing with a hammer.

“Sup… how’s it hanging?” SMG4 awkwardly asks.

“Enjoyed work?” Meggy sarcastically asks SMG4.

“Yeah! Minion and I are building this new company master computer that’s over nine million-” 4 starts before Mario jumps him.

“DAMMIT 4!” The Red Italian screams. “When’s the top floor gonna be finished?”

Mario begins shaking 4 like a ragdoll. “T-THAT’S W-WHAT Y-YOU G-GUYS A-ARE A-ANGRY AB-OUT-T!?”

Meggy sighs at Mario’s regularly scheduled stupidity. “Mario! Drop it! Down boy!”

Mario growls at Meggy like a dog and throws 4 to the ground. Despite being delirious, 4 manages to regain his footing.

“I thought you were pissed at me because I paid the internet bill late!” 4 admits.

“What? No! If the internet was down…” Meggy starts before feeling a touch of shame. “Well… we all know how that went down.”

Her, Tari, and SMG4 all feel a hint of shame and a LOT of resentment from Boopkins. Earlier that year, a military fuck-up caused the internet to be down for 24 hours, and within the afternoon, Meggy, Tari, SMG4, SMG3, and Bob all became convinced that chucking Boopkins into an active volcano strapped to a GPS device was the only way to fix it.

Yeah these fuckers love their computers.

Oh and SMG3 and Bob aren’t feeling the shame or resentment. “I needed to expand my followers!” 3 excuses.

“I’lL fUcKiNg Do It AgAiN!” Bob threatens.

SMG4 takes a deep breath to calm himself. “Ok, I’ll finish the roof soon.”

“Soon? Try now!” Meggy barks. “You know what’s been going on this winter thanks to you leaving the entire top floor and roof of this building unfinished?”

“Plotholes?” SMG4 sarcastically asks.

“A draft!” Meggy responds.

“oH! a DrAfT?” Bob asks. “i HaVe FiFtY gS oN tHe JeTs DrAfTiNg ArCh MaNnInG!”

“Not that type of draft you degenerate gambling addict!” Meggy insults back.

“I thought drafts were something Swag and Chris signed up for?” Tari asks.

“That’s a military draft.” Belle sighs.

“You Americans have a thousand words that mean different things but are all spelled and sound the same.” Saiko sighs, utterly confused by all the draft talk.

Meggy meanwhile, is losing her patience and sanity at the devolving conversation.

“I mean, in use it isn’t that difficult.” Luigi states. “Like, there’s their underwear over there, is an answer to where’s their wear!”

“Yeah, and America isn’t the only country that suffers from the confusion, it’s an English thing, and English is the 3rd most spoken native language, and the most spoken 2nd language thanks to India and Africa!” Boopkins states, showing a shocking level of intelligence when it comes to sociology.

“Wow Fishy, when did you learn all that?” Melony asks genuinely.

“Wikipedia.” Boopkins admits, much to Melony’s disappointment.

“aNd WhY yOu Be DiSsInG aMeRiCa FoR tHiS dAwG?” Bob asks Saiko. “wE’rE aUsTrAlIaN!”

“CAN WE JUST FIX THE FUCKING SECOND FLOOR AND MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES?” Meggy snaps, losing her patience.

“I was kind of enjoying that conversation.” SMG4 smugly states. “Better than finishing the second floo-HURK!”

Meggy grabs 4 by the throat, ending his smartass statement. “Ok… I’ll get a contractor out here tomorrow, just let go ok!” 4 begs.

Meggy lets go, mainly thanks to Tari and Luigi prying her hand off. “And one last thing!” Meggy starts. “The ceiling is leaking.”

“It is not!” SMG4 retorts. His retort is followed by several wooden boards and a bunch of water falling on his head.

Everybody but Mario stares gobsmacked at this. “He’s right, it’s simply falling apart.” he states stupidly.

…

The next day, the gang and local contractor/master builder/part-time superhero/farmer/and Smash Bros DLC superstar Minecraft Steve surveyed the top floor of the castle.

To call it a piece of shit would be an insult to actual pieces of shit. The wood is falling apart, the roof is collapsing from the elements, and the insulation has melted from the summer heat, allowing the winter chill in.

“It’s f-f-f-freezing in here!” Tari brrs. Everybody in the gang is either dressed warmly or shivering. Except for Jub Jub and Boopkins.

Those two are entering brumation. “It’s nice and cozy up here…” Boopkins says as he begins to fall asleep.

3 immediately shakes him awake. “Not now! It’s all hands on deck.”

4 checks his bank statement and instantly holds his chest. “Yeah, I’ll live. Ok Steve, what’s the damage?”

“I… am Steve.” The Master Builder starts as he checks out the room. “Frozen pipes, dripping insulation, broken roofing, water damaged floor…

“About a lot.”

“About, a lot?” SMG4 asks.

“Well the lumber industry is in a state of panic. The biggest tree farm in the world just got blighted, and now there’s a shortage.” Steve explains. “What time did you want this done? Because if you want a cheap and regular amount of wood… May.”

“MAY?” Everybody screams.

“Oh Hell na’, I ain’t living in a falling apart castle until May!” 4 screams.

“Then it’s going to be 5000 dollars per shipment of 20 boards.” Steve responds.

Like Walter did when Hank died, SMG4 gasps and collapses into the soggy boards beneath him, goodbye financial security.

Everybody stares sadly at him.

“Or…” Steve begins, pulling out a Diamond Ax. “Let’s… Chop… WOOD!”

“WOO! YEAH BABY!” Mario screams, pulling out a volcano stone ax. “That’s what Mario’s been a waitin’ for!”

“No! Guys!” Boopkins screams, the environmentalist in him panicking. “We can’t go around killing the planet, we just need to wait for the lumber mill!”

CRASH!

More of the roof caves in as a giant rodent falls in. “Aw… a mouse.” Tari coos.

It’s a gross fucking rat. Tari’s coos become gags.

“Oh shit!” Mario gasps. “A rat.”

With a swipe of his ax, Mario kills the beast. “And once again, a-Mario saves the-”

The gang turns pale and points at the wall. Mario turns and instantly shits himself.

The rat’s friends crawl out of the wall and become a giant mass to fight them.

“BRING ME THEIR SOUL’S!” The Mass Screams.

Rat Mass

Killer of property value, bringer of plagues, collector of nightmares

“AH-LELELELELELE!” The Mass screams as it goes after the gang.

Everybody but Melony panics. She just sighs and chucks a fireball at the mass, destroying the rat colony.

“Oh right… Goddess.” 4 reminds himself.

“Sorry Boopkins.” Melony sympathetically gestures, “But we’re going to chop some trees down.”

“Can’t blame you.”

…

Out by the woods, Steve and Bob run around, chopping a couple of trees down. Boopkins squeezes a stress toy while Jub Jub pats his back.

“Jub Jub!”

“Aw, thanks Jub.” the older brother thanks.

“Wow, clearing trees is fun!” Tari admits while playing a tree-clearing video game. Belle takes note.

“That’s a video game, not real work.” The sarcastic rival states.

“Real work is overrated.” Tari states. “Video games are life!”

Belle and Saiko stare at Tari silently as she continues to press onward in her game. Belle is more concerned with her willfully antisocial love of gaming while Saiko just smiles at it…

with the hint of blush coming across her face.

In the meantime, Mario is about to join in the carnage. “Let’s! Chop! Wood!”

Meggy correctly takes the ax away. “Hold on there Washington.”

“Hey!”

Meggy, Luigi, 4, and 3 all look at Mario with worry. Well 3 isn’t worried, just annoyed.

“Listen Red…” Meggy starts. “The 4 of us have been talking and…”

“You’re a danger to society, and giving you any power tools would count as criminal negligence." 3 rudely states.

“WHAT?” Mario says before doing the Walter White fall on his own.

“Actually brother, we need you for a super important mission!” Luigi says. “It’s so important, only a guy like you could do it.”

Mario’s nose expands. “OOO!”

“You see, we need you to go to the river and find an ice cube! The biggest you can find.” Meggy ads. “It’s gotta be like, THIS BIG!”

“And-And-AND!” Luigi continues. “The reason is because lumber gets hot when it gets treated, so we need to cool it down!”

Mario karate chops into his head, attempting a salute. “Super Mario for the PS4!” he screams as he scatters into the deep woods.

Luig and Meggy sigh in relief. “That’ll keep him distracted for an hour or two.” Meggy states.

“And the worst trouble he gets in is finding another cryptid to befriend!” Luigi responds.

SMG4, Saiko, and Kaizo however, are befuddled by the distraction. “Really?” Saiko asks. “That’s all you can think of?”

“Hey! You try to come up with a distraction on the fly!” Meggy shouts defensively.

“What fly?” Kaizo asks, ready to swat a bug.

“No, not fly like a bug.” Luigi states. “Fly, like improv, made-up!”

“Is this another English language thing?” Saiko asks.

“Oh God, not another grammar thing.” Meggy grumbles.

“What, like where, there, and their?” Saiko continues.

“Kinda!” Luigi happily states. “Like, they’re there over where with their wears and were going over there with their-”

“I FAILED GRAMMAR IN HIGH SCHOOL!” Meggy screams. “I AIN’T TRYING AGAIN AS A 22 YEAR-OLD!”

As Meggy, Saiko, Kaizo, and Luigi argue over grammar-

“I don’t wanna argue over grammar!” Meggy screams, rudely interrupting me!

Bob and Steve continue to chop down trees and prep them for construction.

“It ain’t easy work, but it’s honest work.” Steve states while sanding the planks.

“It isn’t honest work! You’re killing the forest!” Boopkins protests.

“sIgH!” Bob starts. “bOoPkInS, wE’vE hAd TwO eNtIrE fUcKiNg ViDeOs DeDiCaTeD tO lEcTuRiNg ThE aUdIeNcE oN gOiNg GrEeN! wE dOn’T nEeD a ThIrD!”

“Well when Mr. Lorax comes back and goes full Goku on you guys, don’t come crying to me!” Fishy threatens.

“hE’s BuSy RiGhT nOw BeAtInG tHe ShIt OuT oF pEoPlE nEaR tHe OhIo RiVeR!” Bob explains.

“Is he fighting the government? That’s the only way that river’s gonna get clean.” Boopkins says, going back to his manga.

JubJub meanwhile, turns to see an open sewer grate with a red balloon sticking out of it. “JubJub?”

“Hey kid.” A robotic voice echoes. “Come take this balloon.”

“JubJub!” The child cheers as he grabs the balloon. A large clown hand grabs him.

“Welcome to my domain.”

JubJub isn’t able to scream before he’s dragged into the sewer. Boopkins hears the ending of the commotion. But he turns around too late.

“Huh? JubJub?”

…

An hour later, enough planks of wood have been completed for the building process! Steve wipes sweat off his brow.

“Bob the Builder can suck it!” The Master Builder boasts.

“I… I can’t believe it!” SMG4 screams ecstatically. “I can see our future second floor being completed by the end of this chapter!”

SMG3 pulls out a calculator. “Uh, 4. How do you plan on paying Steve for his labor? He’s left the farm all day for this!”

“I mean, he has Rob.” Tari remarks.

“yEaH! rOb’S a BeAsT! tHe FaRm Is FiNe!” Bob adds.

…

At the farm, Rob leads his animal followers in the worship of corn.

“Come down today, and buy some corn, or we will sacrifice your newborn!” The Corn Cult chants.

…

3 is still not convinced. “Listen guys, I know a lot about labor laws because I’ve broken just about all of them twice! Unless we expect a lawsuit-”

“I can always help split the bill.” Tari says. “My most recent esport championship win got me 5 million dollars.”

SMG4 and 3 turn over to Tari, shocked. “5 MILLION WHAT?”

“Yeah.” Belle states. “She’s like, the most successful gamer champ in the world, dog.”

Tari blushes at the compliment. “I’m not the best, I just like it.”

“Yo!” Saiko states with Kaizo nearby, smirking. “Our band sells out stadiums on a yearly basis. We can chip in.”

Melony then pipes in. “And my manga and book sales rival Diary of a Wimpy Kid!”

Meggy is next up. “I’m a lawyer, so yeah. I guess I make bank as well.”

4 and 3 turn to Luigi. “No, I’m flat broke most of the time.”

Boopkins is up next. “I’m a child, I don't have a job yet.

Up next is Bob. “I’vE gOt A cRiPpLiNg GaMbLiNg AnD pOrNoGrApHy AdDiCtIoN tHaT mAkEs Me A bAd BuSiNeSs InVeStMeNt.”

Up next is nobody. “Oh that’s right, Karen ain’t in this episode.”

4 then turns to 3. “I’m a YouTuber, what’s your excuse for not splitting a bill?”

Everybody gives the stink eye. “hehehe… Have you guys ever heard of frugality?”

SMASH! Mario bursts through the remains of the forest with a large ice cube. “Mario’s back bitches!”

“HOW?” Meggy screams. “We sent you on a snipe hunt for an ice cube!?”

“Oh! That's-a so easy to explain.” Mario begins. “The snipe that lives in a van down by the river was selling these for credit card information. By the way, you guys might get hacked.”

“YOU SON OF A BITCH!” 3 screams as Mario slams the ice cube on the boards. It doesn’t smash them, instead the boards melt the ice.

“Holy crap, we were making that up!” Luigi remarks, shocked.

Instantly, the boards soak up the ice water, causing the boards to bend.

“Thanks a lot fatass.” SMG4 insults, speaking for the room.

Instantly, the boards begin splitting open, revealing thousands of insects and rotting blights to ooze out.

“UGH!” 4 gasps and 3 begins puking from the sight.

The boards begin rotting and falling to pieces. Green goo and pink slime seeps from them like a rotting corpse.

Tari tears her eyes out as Melony passes out from the image.

“HeY bOoPkInS!” Bob says to the terrified water monster. “rEmEmBeR wHeN i SaId GeTtInG tRyPoPhObIa WaS oN mY 2026 bInGo CaRd?”

“No.”

“My PoInT eXaCtLy!”

Steve shakes his head before throwing a block of TNT at the wood, blowing it to sky high. “Damn blight!”

SMG4 meanwhile, begins to fall to the ground in despair. His promise to finish his gift to his friends will remain incomplete. Nothing can fix this, unless…

SLAM! Everybody turns to what made that noise. Another structure from the old meme factory has fallen down.

4 smiles as he puts on the angel costume. “I have another idea!”

Meggy looks over to the factory with reservation. “Really? That old experiment? It hasn’t been used in months!”

“That’s what makes it perfect!” 4 explains. “Plaster, drywall, metal, brick! It’s all right there! All we need to do is pull it apart and put it upstairs!”

“Sounds like a plan to me!” Meggy states, happy that the goal is reachable once again.

“Ok team! Let’s split up!” 4 states. “Luigi and Tari, search the castle for any more tools we could use, the rest of us will be exploring the factory to find stuff to tear apart. I know how you guys are about these types of places!”

Luigi and Tari, thankful that 4 got them out of a scary situation, agree to search and they head back to the castle.

4 then points to Mario. “As for you Mario, we’ve got an all important mission for-”

Mario stops him. “You had your chance to distract me, you blew it. I’m helping with the demolition.” He pulls out a sledgehammer and rushes into the factory. “LEROY! JENKINS!”

“I swear he’s smarter than he lets on.” 3 remarks.

“Red’s like the characters from Amazing World of Gumball, it ebbs and flows with the jokes.” Meggy remarks, following Mario inside.

Slowly, everybody else enters the meme factory. Boopkins stays out a little later to scope for his brother. “JubJub?”

Nothing. He begins to see a red balloon pop out of the sewers.

“What the?”

Melony pops back out. “Come on Fishy!” She drags him inside.

…

Back inside the castle, Luigi and Tari search around for power tools.

“Screw drivers, cordless drills, hammers.” Luigi states. “Ah, reminds me of my plumbing days.”

“Hey Luigi.” Tari states. “I have a question for you.”

“Anything Tari, I’m-a always an open door for conversation.”

“You are gay right?”

Luigi pauses at that question. “Bi is the answer. Why?”

“Well…” Tari starts, quickly becoming flustered. “If you have a crush on somebody, what would you do about it?”

“I'm kind of a bad person to ask for that.” Luigi admits. “The only person who hates social confrontations more than me, is you.”

“I know…” Tari groans. “But you’re like, the only openly queer friend of mine!”

“Not entirely true.” Luigi states. “4 and 3 have their rainbow shades.” He chuckles as he remembers a story Mario told him. “If that igloo’s walls had mouths.”

“What?”

“Inside story, ask Mario about it, he tells it better!” Luigi laughs. “But if I were you, send a secret admirer gift, that’s what I would do!”

“A gift?” Tari ponders.

“Cake, candies, a letter.” Luigi lists. “Companies like that exist in the Kingdom.”

Tari smiles as she gets ideas. Suddenly, her mood is interrupted when she spots…

The mystery door. Nobody’s opened it since the castle was built. Luigi and Tari stare at it with a bit of fear.

“Luigi?”

“I’ll open it if you join me.”

The two cowards hold hands and slowly approach the door. The sounds of typing echo from inside.

They open the door to find…

A tall guy in a Hawaiian Shirt and Gym shorts typing on a computer. He looks over at the confused cowards.

“Scary stuff’s in the storage room.”

“Oh, ok!” Luigi thanks.

“And keep the door shut, there’s a draft!”

…

Luigi and Tari, more scared now, enter the storage room, a place they’ve avoided since the place was built.

Nothing’s in it, just boxes of old stuff, cobwebs, power tools…

Luigi points to the wall. “Cordless drills!”

Tari sighs and approaches it. “That wasn’t so bad.”

“You just had to tempt fate.” The Robotic Voice says again.

“Huh?”

Suddenly, the clown hand grabs Tari by the foot and trips her to the ground.

IT SUCKS TARI INTO THE DARKNESS!

Luigi, screaming like a camel spider exposed to the full force of the sun, flees the castle.

…

In the meme factory, Mario and Steve take the walls apart as 4, 3, Meggy, Melony, and Saiko view the decay of the factory in awe.

Rotting walls, decaying machines, frozen memes, rusted metals, dust bunnies. It’s a mechanical marvel that just screams of tetanus shots.

Bob, Kaizo, and Boopkins are less impressed. “Really?” Kaizo asks. “This was popular?”

“I cOuLd HaVe TuRnEd ThIs InTo AnOtHeR hOtEl!” Bob ads.

“Hey! I take offense to that.” 4 shouts. “The memes this baby used to produce could last for days! EVEN WEEKS!”

Bob, Belle, and Kaizo aren’t impressed.

“I’vE tAkEn ShItS mOrE iMpReSsIvE.” Bob states flatly.

“If it made money, why shut it down?” Boopkins asks.

4’s grin turns into a grimace. “Lawsuits.”

…

5 Months Earlier

In the meme river of the still active factory, a fat kids drown in it. “Help me!” he screams in a thick German accent.

Near the conveyor belt, a girl inflates like a balloon, much to Cranky Kong’s annoyance.

“Inflation? You have the power of God at your fingertips, and you chose to watch inflation? What the Hell is wrong with you?”

In the corner, another little girl is being eaten by rapid squirrels that have burrowed into the wall.

And on a computer screen, a kid in a cowboy costume explores the internet. “Whoa, look at this website! Rotten.Com!”

The Parents of those soon-to-be dead kids scream in horror. Meanwhile, an Orange Oompa-Loompa pulls out a microphone.

Oompa-Loopma dop-pa-dee-deek!

Internet pornography makes your pingas weak!

SMG4 stares at the mess in horror, Hal Monitor glares over at him.

“Hehehe… I’ll shut the machine off.”

…

4 grumbles as he finishes the story. “Most of the lawsuits came from the illegal golden ticket lottery.”

“And not the dead kids?” Meggy asks.

Mario meanwhile has found the old conveyor belt. “Ooh…” He turns it on and begins walking against the machine.

“Hey, that-a makes Mario’s pingas so happy!” He turns up the speed and begins sprinting against the machine.

“Mario! We aren’t here to play, we’re here to work!” SMG4 scolds.

Meggy meanwhile watches him in awe. “8 years. I’ve known Red for 8 years, and I’ve been trying to get him to work-out all this time. And here he is, playing on a treadmill on his own stupidity.”

“Impressive.” 3 remarks.

“It would be if it didn’t infuriate me on every level at the same time.” Meggy adds.

Luigi then bursts through the doors of the factory. Literately, they fall off that easily.

“GUYS! GUYS! GUYS!” Luigi screams.

“WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?” SMG4 asks, concerned.

“TARI! TARI! TARI!”

“YES? YES? YES?”

“SHE! SHE! SHE!”

“Out with it Green Bean!” Melony commands.

“Me and Tari were looking for cordless drills in the storage room when something scary kidnapped her like the guy in the mystery room said!” Luigi screams.

“Wait! Wait…” SMG4 asks. “What?”

Bob meanwhile pulls out a shotgun. “wE hAvE a SqUaTtEr?”

Boopkin meanwhile turns white, realizing what this might mean. “Oh no, JubJub!”

“Jub…. Jub…” A voice echoes. Boopkins turns to see…

JubJub sticking his head out of a sewer opening. “JubJub!”

“JubJub?” Boopkins cautiously asks as he walks over to it. Only Kaizo notices.

JubJub slinks back under, Tari pops her head out. Something’s off about her, her skin is too pale and her eyes are dead. She looks like a puppet.

“That’s right, Boopkins.” she echoes. “Come to the sewers, Boopkins…”

“The sewers?”

“We have all sorts of anime!” Tari says, pulling out body pillows and mangas.

Boopkin’s sold. “Ooo! Free anime!”

He rushes over to her. Kaizo realizes that something scary’s about to happen. “FISH GUY! NO!”

The rest of the Gang turns to see what’s going on.

Boopkins approaches the sewer. “Alright, what kind of anime are we talking about?”

“THE SCARY KIND!” Tari’s mouth pops open as the clown hand grabs Boopkin’s face!

The Gang all make different collective screams in horror, with Mario making the Wii crash noise.

BOOM!” Tari and Boopkins are lifted in the air by a massive mound of pulsing flesh and meat. The factory shakes as the structure begins to shift.

The gang is silent, they can’t believe what they’re watching.

“Dear God…” Steve mutters.

Boopkins is tied to a pole. Tari and JubJub float over and are tied next to him. The duo awake from their trance.

“GUYS! HELP!” Tari screams.

“JUBJUB!”

“What the hell’s going on?” 4 screams.

“He’s been torturing us for minutes!” Tari screams. “MINUTES!”

“WHO?” Saiko growls, pulling her hammer out.

“Hey! Hey! Hey!” The Robotic voice sings out. The giant flesh arm disappears into a cloud of black smoke.

“Scary clown!” Mario gasps in terror.

From it, a frumpy clown with an evil grin emerges. “It’s me! Depresso the Clown!”

Nobody is impressed or scared by this.

“Aw man.” 3 groans.

“Dammit!” Mario growls.

“See, that is why I became evil?” Depresso screams at the gang.

“Became evil?” Meggy asks, raising an eyebrow. “Did you see the way you behaved around women and children?”

“YeAh BrO!” Bob says. “tHaT sHiT wAs WaCk, EvEn FoR mE!”

“I was tired of being seen as a joke.” Depresso laments. “First by my girlfriend, then by all of you, and then by your fans! I knew I needed to be feared!”

“Feared? Nobody fears you, we just simply hate you!” Kaizo jokes.

“Don’t anger him guys!” Tari screams. “He’s got something evil planned!”

“The Aussie Gamer Girl is right!” Depresso boasts. “I’ve been doing some research, and I’ve found the perfect way to make my evil comeback!”

Depresso turns on a spotlight for himself and lights up a cigarette.

“What is it? Becoming Joe Camel’s rival?” 3 jokes.

“Singing and dancing!” Depresso says.

For once in my life!

I have someone who needs me!

Someone I’ve needed so long!

Depresso’s singing is… how do I say it? Not even singing. It’s graveled mumblings set to a melody trailercore version of the classic Sinatra song. His dancing isn’t even really dancing, just strutting while holding the cigarette.

The gang reacts violently. Puking, ears bleeding, heads exploding.

“Told you it was bad!” Tari states.

“This smells like 200 million dollars burning!” 3 screams.

“Hey! Thanks for the replies!” Depresso thanks with some flourish. “I’ve got 138 minutes of this.”

Saiko hits Depresso and throws him against the wall. “Get him!”

The Gang attacks, beginning their absolute gang-beating of Depresso.

Mario stops Steve however. He points to the conveyor belt. “Let’s get some building done!”

“I… am Steve!” The Master Builder agrees.

Mario and Steve take apart the conveyor belt and sneak it out of the factory. Meanwhile, the gang continues to fight the should've-remained-a one-off joke.

“I’ve got more material in the director’s cut!” Depresso threatens as he smacks away Kaizo and Bob. Meggy and Melony kick him away from his flesh mound as 4 throws several blasts of meme energy at him.

Saiko and Luigi meanwhile, manage to free JubJub, Boopkins, and Tari.

“There you go!” Luigi says as he helps them down.

Tari hugs Saiko and Luigi as Boopkins hugs JubJub. “Sorry for not keeping an eye on you!” The weeb says to his brother.

“JubJub!”

“Thank you!” Tari cries. Saiko blushes and smiles.

“It’s ok.”

“No it’s not!” Tari shouts. “It was so boring! BORING!”

Depresso meanwhile, get his ass kicked into the center of the factory, causing many machines to explode along with him.

The factory is not gonna stand for long.

The rest of the Gang treats this more like a casual work-out on a Sunday afternoon than fighting a villain.

“I’d almost feel bad if he weren’t so… pathetic.” Meggy laments.

“No wonder nobody liked this character!” 3 jokes.

“I mean, he was funny at first.” 4 defends himself. “But after a while, it just sort of… dragged.”

Depresso bursts from the wreckage. Bleeding, burnt, and furious, he gags as he approaches the gang. “You think you’ve won? HA! You wish, I’ve only started! I’m gonna be your worst nightmare! I’m gonna be the big bad! The next arc villain! I’m gonna get pure evil in the Villains Wiki history book! I’ll make Niles, Francis, and Marty look… look like a bad case of TOE JAM when I’m done!”

He begins laughing psychotically. “And there’s nothing you chuds can do about it! I’m done being the skinny nice guy, the channel has fallen simps! Billions are gonna die! You will fear Depresso the Clown!”

The gang just silently stares at the clown.

…

SLAM!

Depresso is thrown through the walls of the factory, causing him to fly through the Showgrounds like Mr. Mufflin from Fanboy and Chum Chum.

“aaaa”

He flies into the remains of Mario’s Pizzeria, causing it to explode along with him.

The Gang slowly exits the factory, stretching their muscles out.

“Man, that was needed!” Saiko boasts.

“I’ll say!” 3 ads on. “Felt like I’ve been needing to burn the calories!”

From the wreckage of the pizzeria, Depresso emerges, bleeding and more deranged than usual.

“You… PANSIES! You think you’ve won?”

“UGH!” The gang collectively groans.

“No, but I wish you gave up!” Belle spits back.

“Never! I’ll never give up!” Depresso boats. “Like any bad joke, I’ll never leave until we all forget what made me funny in the first place.”

“We already forgot that part, so we made it to the end!” Saiko jokes.

“Her jokes are better than yours!” Kaizo ads on.

Depresso begins foaming at the mouth, infuriated that nobody is taking him seriously as a threat. “I will not be left to rot like all the other C-list characters!” he screams.

“FM, X, Minion, Bowser, Toad, even the dead ones like Desti and Greg! They all have their fans. Where’s my fans?! I won’t stop being evil, dancing, and singing until I get what I feel like is mine! YOU HEAR ME PUNKS?”

Without another snap of his fingers, another bad cover song begins playing.

“No! No, it's happening again!” Tari screams, holding her ears.

What the world, needs now!

Is love! Sweet-

SLICE!

“HURK”

With a single swipe of her deity sword, Melony slits Depresso’s fucking throat! Gasping for air, Depresso crumbles to the ground where his muscle spasms, death rattles, and pale skin signifies this joke, I MEAN! His death is nearing the end.

The gang stares at Melony horrified, while the melon girl is more annoyed than anything.

“I’m sorry guys, I just… I liked it at first, but I just couldn’t take another cover song.” Melony sadly admits, putting her sword away.

“wElL, mElOnY’s MoRe ThAn JuSt A bAdAsS nOw, BuT a MuRdErEr. I cAn ExPlOiT tHaT!” Bob schemes.

4 shakes his head and turns to the factory. “Come on guys, show’s over. Let’s get…”

He stops as the factory crumbles completely.

When the dust settles, it’s nothing but a pile of rubble.

“We can still-”

BOOM! The remains explode, leaving nothing left.

The Gang is silent except for SMG4, who falls to his knees crying. He begins punching the dirt upset.

“No… NO!”

3 pats his friend on the back. “We can always-”

“I wanted to do this 3! Not you guys!” 4 admits. “This is my present to you guys for fucking things up in the first place! This castle was for you guys! I can’t fix anything! Even with all the time in the world!”

4 lament is met with pity.

“I’m never gonna finish that castle.”

“Castle’s done!”

“WHAT?!” Everybody screams.

Mario and Steve stand proud. “Mario and Steve finished the project!” Mario boasts.

“But how?” Belle asks.

“With what?” Meggy asks.

“wHo?” Bob asks. Everybody stares at him for that. “Oh RiGhT, mArIo AnD sTeVe.”

“We’ll show you!” Mario says. “Using supplies from the factory, and insulation and materials from the pizzeria, and my genius idea!”

SMG4 stops Mario’s speech. “Your idea?”

“Yeup!” Mario happily states. “My idea for the upstairs!”

“And what was your idea?”

…

The upstairs has been converted into a moving floor with furniture on it. White walls, skylight.

Kinda looks like the Virtual Insanity music video.

The gang quickly picks up on it. “He didn’t.” 4 groans.

Mario, dressed like Jay Kay of Jamiroquai, and Steve begin dancing on the moving floor.

Dancing!

Walking!

Rearranging Furniture!

Bab’s is!

Shopping!

I let the bird out of the cage!

JubJub laughs and joins in on the dance. The rest of the gang is either confused or annoyed by this.

“We went through all this trouble, so Mario could imitate a stupid song?” Saiko growls.

“8 years…” Meggy bemoans. “EIGHT. FUCKING! YEARS!”

“You know what, it’s done! The roof is secured, the draft is gone, the castle is finished! A win’s a win!” SMG4 says, fully not giving a shit anymore. “But hey, at least our castel is finally finished! That’s what’s important, right?”

SMG3 looks at his arm. “I think I got scratched in the factory.” He falls over on the ground.

“3? 3…”

Today’s Episode of SMG4: and then some, is brought to you by Tetanus Shots. They hurt, they burn, but they keep your muscles from rotting.

And good grammar! So you may know which witch is which, where’s wear is where not were, and they’re there for their

Meggy, having enough of… everything today, takes her splatter shot and shoots the narrator.

Bitch

Chapter Text

What’s there to say about Fishy Boopkins?

He’s been a part of SMG4’s friend group ever since he ran into him, Mario, X, FM, and their other friend Ben back in summer of 2016 during a cruise. Well, they didn’t befriend him at the time, he just never took the hints they didn’t want him to be around them.

So Fishy stayed and slowly became a trusted friend, eventually an OG as the group changed and things went from light-hearted adventures to complicated, darker stories.

He lives off the shore in the Mushroom Kingdom Ocean alongside his brother JubJub, and his father Joe, a leviathan who does… something. I guess, let’s say… tax collector.

A huge anime fan, Boopkins is always reading the latest manga, collecting the newest toy or body pillow, and watching the latest OVAs. He was never going to get along with Meggy perfectly, but for others like Melony and Tari, 3 peas in a pod.

Hell, if it weren’t for him, Saiko would’ve come alive, Axol would’ve never joined the group, and Francis would’ve rose to power and committed mass genocide against the entire Inkling Population.

I wasn’t kidding when I said the stories became complicated and darker.

Eventually, after the Nintendo Saga, Boopkins went from a spike to a green ball with eyes. Nobody liked that so he was changed to an amphibian creature. People didn’t like that either but nobody out-right hated it, so it stayed. The pit-falls of having a vocal fanbase.

He’s best friends with Garo turned hobo cloaksmith Bob, even if Bob doesn’t treat Boopkins that well. It was really bad between October and December of 2018, but Waluigi managed to knock some sense into him and got their friendship back on track.

Yes,  Fishy Boopkins has gone through a lot in order to become a main member of the crew, but a lot has happened since SMG4 retired, let’s see what’s happening now.

…

The Mushroom Kingdom Ocean Shoreline. January 17th, 10 AM.

The water is especially cold today, but the ocean never freezes. Boopkins and JubJub are enjoying their time under the water, playing video games in the Boopkins house.

Ok, it’s not really a house, just a basic living room set-up under the ocean, but it works well enough.

The game the Boopkins Brothers are playing? Super Monkey Ball for the Game Cube.

“Come on, get in the goal!” Boopkins cheers as JubJub manages to get the Baby Monkey into the goal.

It’s only level one but that doesn’t stop the brothers from cheering.

“JUBJUB!” JubJub cheers as Boopkins applauds him.

“Good work JubJub! This game is really hard!” Fishy cheers as he finishes reading his latest manga. “Aw man, that’s the last one I have.”

“JubJub?” The younger brother asks, ignoring the fact that he just fell off the 2nd level.

“Oh… there's nothing you can do.” Boopkins sadly mopes. “It’s just that, ever since SMG4 retired, things have been kind of boring lately. No grand adventures, nothing happening for the sake of memes. I never realized that having the time to do anything makes life…”

Boopkins looks around the area he calls home. It’s just him, JubJub, their stuff, and a poor sap with concrete shoes drowning nearby.

“Boring.”

After a moment to think, Boopkins gets a new idea. “I’ll just buy more anime!”

With his wallet out, Boopkins looks inside and there’s no money in there! But there is a baby seahorse that swims out and stares Boopkins in the eyes.

“Are you the Greek Government?” The infant aquatic life asks. “Cause you broke as fuck boi!”

The seahorse swims away, singing the Elmo’s World Theme Song as Boopkins becomes dejected.

“Aw man, no money left…” he mutters while JubJub spits out a picture of their father.

“JubJub?”

Boopkins looks at the picture. “I could ask dad, but he’s busy today, and I can’t keep asking him for money.”

After another moment, Boopkins takes JubJub and looks above at the surface. “Come on JubJub, maybe our friends will know what to do!”

“JubJub!”

…

Above the water in the city of the Mushroom Kingdom, Boopkins and JubJub head to Bob’s thriving hotel business.

Bob, unfortunately, is busy running the desk.

“SoRrY bRo! I’vE gOt A tHrIvInG aNd LeGaLlY sEcUrEd HoTeL bUsInEsS tO rUn!”

CRASH!

A Goomba in his bathtub suddenly smashes through the ceiling and into the lobby. He’s just as surprised as Boopkins and JubJub to be there. Bob, not so much.

“Hey man! The floor can’t hold my tub!” The Goomba complains.

“ThOsE wHo WaNnA tAlK,” Bob says while smiling. “gEt ThE gLoCk!” Bob points a pistol at the terrified patron.

“AH!”

“NoW gEt ScRuBbInG dIrTy BoY…” Bob threatens.

The pissed-off Goomba obliges. “Whatever…”

“Aw man…” Boopkins groans.

“dOn’T wOrRy BoOpKiNs, I’m SuRe AnOtHeR oNe Of OuR fRiEnDs WiLl HaVe An IdEa FoR wHaT yOu NeEd To Do, NoW iF yOu WiLl ExCuSe Me, I hAvE a JoB tO dO!” Bob cheerfully says.

Boopkins and JubJub leave the hotel as Bob points the gun back at the Goomba.

“AH!”

“dOn’T fOrGeT tO wAsH bEhInD yOuR eArS.”

…

The next stop for Boopkins and JubJub is SMG4, who is on break from his job at Engie’s.

“Sorry boys, I’m just about done with my break.” 4 remarks while sipping a cup of water. “We’ve got a lot of anti-virus software to work on.”

Minion, with a big smile on her face, pops out from the corner. “And if we don’t patch it, all of our money will be funnelled into Chinese Cyberterrorist Groups!”

Boopkins and JubJub stare silently at Minion. “4, do we know this woman?”

4 sighs. “Guys, this is Minion. Minion, this is Fishy and JubJub Boopkins.”

Minion grabs the brothers and begins cooing over them. “They look sooo CUTE! You have the best choice of friends, Old Boss!”

“JubJub?”

4 punches back in while finishing his cup. “She’s a clone of me that was supposed to be my minion. She’s now my boss.”

“Manager!” Minion corrects. “Engie’s the boss.”

“Same deal.”

“What seems to be your problem?” Minion asks.

“I need money to buy more anime.” Boopkins says.

“Why don’t you just torrent it?” Minion asks. “Use a VPN, some adblockers, and a McAfee, you’ll be fine.”

“Steal anime?” Boopkins gasps.

“Oh boy.” 4 groans.

“What?”

Boopkins stands up on a soap box as a spotlight shines down on him. “As a friend of the late manga artist Axol, and best friend of the still living manga artist Melony, and as respect to all artists out there in this day and age of cryptocurrency, AI art, and NFTs, I will legally purchase my art in order to show my support, and prevent lazy hacks and greedy mega-corporations from ruining the art I love, and erasing the artists that make it!”

The spotlight turns off as Minion, JubJub, and 4 stare at Boopkins.

“Can we have our soap box back?” Minion asks.

“Yeah, I needed that.”

…

In the mall, Boopkins and JubJub stand by as Tari plays Guitar Hero 3 for a local gaming contest.

X, who’s hosting it, is amazed at her performance. “Look at her go! She’s doing things that all of us couldn’t even lie about!”

Belle stands by, impressed by Tari’s performance.

“Wow, Tari’s sure gotten popular for her professional gaming!” Boopkins tells Belle.

“Ha!” Belle chuckles. “For the Mushroom Kingdom she has!” She dusts her mechanical arm off in a cocky manner. “But outside the kingdom, things get more… Let's say it's difficult to keep up. Where I’m from in Silica City, you have to fight and claw your way to the top.”

Belle’s face turns dark. “I can barely keep up with Lucks’s demands, Tari wouldn’t survive a minute.”

Boopkins and JubJub turn to the stage, oblivious to what Belle said. “I don’t know, Tari’s surviving pretty well right now.”

“HOLY!” Belle screams.

The song Tari’s playing on Guitar Hero 3 is Through the Fire and Flames… in expect mode.

Oh and she’s getting a 100%.

The crowd is in awe, X is stunned silent, and Belle’s jealousy for her friend turns into competitiveness.

“That little, I didn’t spend 5 years being hounded by Dereck to lose to a Mushroom Noob!” Belle growls before grabbing a guitar. “I’ve got next match Tari!”

Boopkins and JubJub once again are dejected.

“JubJub…”

“Yeah JubJub, they couldn’t help either. They’ve all got jobs! Saiko-chan’s at a concert, Mario and Luigi are on a press tour for the Galaxy Movie 3’s running his coffee shop, and Melony is at a writer’s summit." Boopkins ponders before happily snapping his fingers. “Meggy! She’s smart! She’ll know what to do!”

…

Meggy meanwhile, is hiding behind Hal Monitor and FM’s police forces as they engage in a shootout.

Meggy, in her orange and red lawyer’s uniform, holds her head as she freaks out on the ground. “You were gonna get a 25 to life! He was gonna get 25 to life!”

She begins shaking FM like a ragdoll. “WHY DOESN’T HE LISTEN TO ME! I’m his lawyer, he’s paying for my services, and he DOESN’T USE THEM!”

FM lightly pushes the hysterical lawyer away. “Megan, you were defending the most wanted man in all of the Mushroom Kingdom. He wanted to go free, we wanted him to get the chair.”

In the center of the shootout, surrounded by burning cars, thousands of rounds of ammo, and the dead bodies of many fallen officers, is the Villager from Animal Crossing.

“I’ll fucking do it again!” The Villager screams.

“Stop being ILLEGAL!” Hal says before the Villager throws a rock at his computer screen head.

“Smile, and BLOW ME!” The Maniac screams.

Meggy, Hal, and FM continue to hide as Boopkins and JubJub casually sit by.

“So, is this a bad time to ask how to make money?” Boopkins foolishly asks.

“NO SHIT FISHY!” Meggy screams.

“Well I just want to afford more anime! The jiggle physics are getting SPICIER!” Boopkins happily states, much to Meggy’s disgust.

“Boopkins, anime is the lowest form of art.” The pissed-off former Inkling groans.

“TAKE SOME MORE YOU BASTARDS!” The Villager screams while firing a Mini-Gun.

Meggy pops her head out and throws a rock at the Villager. “HEY! This is your lawyer!”

The Villager stops and turns to her.

“STOP IT!”

The Villager smirks and flips her the bird. “Fuck you!”

“You paid me little over 1 million to ignore my advice and turn a life sentence into death by cop! What is your major malfunction?” Meggy screams, desperate to understand the psycho.

“Quit jabbering or I’ll stab you to death like your octopus friend back on whore island!” The Villager responds, stomping on a fresh wound.

Boopkins gasps as Meggy turns beat red. “I’ll kick your ass for that one!”

The Villager turns his mini-gun towards her. “Use your mouth for something useful and give me a blumpkin you BITCH!”

Meggy ducks as the mini-gun misses every shot.

Meggy shakes her fists in rage as The Villager continues his rampage.

“Meggy?” Boopkins innocently asks. “What’s a blumpkin?”

FM quickly answers that. “It’s when you get a blowjob while taking a shit.”

Meggy doinks FM on the head with a rock for that one. “He’s a child!”

“He asked a question!” FM tries to defend himself.

“You don’t have to answer EVERY QUESTION!” Meggy screams as Hal stares at them disappointed.

"What's wrong with the world?" Hal ponders to himself.

Meanwhile for Boopkins, FM saying blowjob echoes in his head until the blow goes away and turns into…

“A JOB!” Boopkins happily shouts. “I’ll get a job to afford my anime! Thanks Meggy! Come on JubJub!”

“JubJub!”

The two brothers part as Meggy and the Officers stare at them.

“Didn’t he go to, like, a bunch of your friends when they were at their jobs?” FM asks. “It took him this long?”

“I’m not friends with a lot of smart people.” Meggy sighs.

“HEY!” Hal screams. “Let’s get this guy and stop him from doing ILLEGAL things!”

The Villager meanwhile, continues to shoot like no tomorrow. “I AM GOING TO LIVE FOREV-HURK!”

Suddenly, Isabelle pops behind him and breaks his neck with a single snap, ending his rampage.

His body drops to the ground, much to everybody’s shock and relief.

The Assistant-Mayor looks at all the armed officers that failed to do what she did in 5 seconds and sighs in annoyance. She silently walks away.

Meggy, realizing her client is dead, does the first thing she can think of.

She hops on a police car and flips off his corpse. “SUCK IT SUCK IT SUCK IT-

…

The next day and back under the ocean, Boopkins puts his top hat on as JubJub holds up a phone with Joe on the other side.

Joe is so big, he can only really talk to people through a phone screen.

“Well dad, today’s the day I find myself a job so I can afford anime on my own, and do my own thing!” Boopkins proudly beams.

Joe roars and grumbles. It translates to, “My boy’s growing up! I’m so proud!”

Boopkins proudly poses on the couch and looks above. “Well JubJub, let’s hit the town and find the lucky boss who will get to call Fishy Boopkins, their newest employee!”

…

Unfortunately for Boopkins, he hasn’t had much luck.

Not enough references. Too little experience. Or when he tried to apply at the restaurant Karen was working at today, too young.

“No minors? But I’m not a miner, I don’t even have a hat!” Boopkins exclaims in despair.

“Not miners, MINORS!” Karen sighs while cleaning her glasses. “Minor, O! Too young. Kids!”

Boopkins is indignant at that. “I’m not a kid! I’m 13!”

“That’s a minor.” Karen sighs back.

“Well that doesn’t mean I can’t have a job!” Boopkins pleads.

“Actually, it does mean that!” Karen states while pulling out the Mushroom Kingdom Labor Laws Handbook. “Those under the age of 16 cannot work a legal job. They can be paid under the table for an hour or two of work, but those aren’t considered regular labor jobs.”

Karen shuts the book in Boopkins’s face. “What does that mean?” he asks.

“It means you have to wait another 3 years before you can work 80 hours a week for minimum wage like me.” Karen grumbles.

“Aw man… that sounds rough.” Boopkins worries.

“Actually, in the grand scheme, there’s worse!” Karen bemoans. “In Japan, it’s 90 hours a week at least. In Saudi Arabia, you don’t even get paid! Therefore, I’m living the dream!”

Karen sarcastically poses while a sign saying, WAGE SLAVE, falls behind her.

“JubJub?” JubJub asks.

“They don’t hire infants anymore either.” Karen adds. “That went out the window alongside the coal industry.”

Boopkins begins having second thoughts over the whole job thing. “Aw man…” He really wants to have a job, to be more independent, and to have his own money. But the pitfalls of a work life are another thing.

Karen sighs and sympathetically pats Boopkins on his top hat. “Kid, you should be more worried about playing and having fun. You still have free time, savor it! When you become a parent and a wagie like me, free time becomes more of an endangered species instead of a regular occurence.”

“But all my friends are working!” Boopkins states. “4 doesn’t meme anymore, Mario and Luigi have the movie. I have too much free time.”

“Then do something with it!” Karen responds. “Do what my kids do! Wait for me to come home, eat paste, and shout ethnic slurs while playing Call of Duty!”

Dejected, Boopkins lowers his head and turns to the door. JubJub follows, equally sad.

Karen, a little bit upset she had to break it like that, quickly shakes her head. “He’ll thank me when he’s older, just wait.”

Karen looks over and becomes disgusted at what's happening in front of her.

Mario, much to Luigi’s embarrassment, has a milkshake cup stuck on his nose. “Hey brother! Who turned off the smell?”

…

Today has not been Boopkins’s day. What started off as an earnest attempt to become an adult has turned into a continuing rockslide of failure.

SMG4 at least got interviews, Boopkins hasn’t even gotten a single application form.

“Today hasn’t been our day, JubJub.” Boopkins laments.

JubJub looks up and excitedly points forward. “JubJub!”

Boopkins turns to see what’s got his brother’s attention.

It’s Swag and Chris, closing up an Army Recruitment Desk.

“Those guys! I’ve fought in wars with them before, I could get a job with those guys!” Boopkins cheers before heading over.

“JubJub?” The younger brother asks, not realizing his older brother is a veteran of the Anime Wars.

Chris was finishing up putting the recruitment papers away as Swag was dancing to bad gangsta rap.

“Swag, can you contribute to this operation even a little bit?” Chris sighs, tired of his best friend acting foolish.

Again…

“Come on Chris! It’s the only way to attract the sexy bitches to the army.” Swag says while twerking to the music. “Rap is the ultimate chick magnet!”

The “chicks” avoid Swag like he’s got the plague.

“More like a chick repellent.” Chris sighs while going over the sign-up list. A resounding 0 names. “We really need more members.”

“Then let’s farm away our dignity!” Swag boasts. “We gotta attract the bitches, we ain’t just gotta get them crawling off the street!”

“HELLO THERE!” Boopkins screams, popping out of nowhere.

“AH! Green shit!” Swag screams, ready to shoot Boopkins with an AR-15.

“What do you need Boopkins” Chris sighs while disarming his friend.

“Well, I’ve been looking for a job to afford more anime!” Boopkins starts.

“Terrible life choices so far, go on.” Swag says, earning himself a slap from Chris.

“And I was hoping to join the Army!” Boopkins cheers.

Silence from the Army Men only heightens the foolishness of Boopkins’s choice of career.

“HAHAHA laughingmyassoff.jpeg” Swag laughs while Chris shakes his head at Boopkins.

“What?”

“JubJub?”

“Sorry boys, but…” Chris starts to say before shifting his gears. “No, I'm not sorry. I’m shocked it took us this long to no longer enlist kids into the armed forces!”

“What?” Boopkins gasps. “But I’ve fought alongside you guys before. I’ve fought demons, eldritch gods, and war lords!”

“And you think any of that was normal for a kid?” Chris asks.

“Everybody else thought it was.” Boopkins admits.

“I thought it was normal.” Swag adds.

“Swag, not now.” Chris sighs. “Fishy, maybe with things calming down, you should consider that maybe normalcy is a good thing. The amount of adventures you were on should be able to last a lifetime.”

“I really just want a job and money bro.” Boopkins responds.

“Well Governor Toadsworth passed it as law, so no more kids in the military.” Chris states, ending the conversation.

“And it’s a travesty!” A new character bemoans. He steps into the light, revealing he’s a similar Goldeneye 007 character like Chris and Swag, but he’s in a golden uniform. He is Commanding Sergeant Mark.

“We used to have the best child soldiers when the Princess was in charge! The greatest amount of power. I miss the days of the Anime Secret Service.” Mark continues to bitch.

“The A.S.S?” Boopkins scowls. If anything can make the little green guy pissed, it is dissing on anime.

“He doesn’t hate anime, he just got off on the power banning it gave him.” Chris sighs.

“I hate anime.” Swag struts, pretending to be a chad.

“It’s just not the same. All of these rules and regulations. It’s a travesty.” Mark screams, on the verge of tears. “A TRAVESTY!”

Mark runs away crying, much to Chris’s displeasure. “Oh Goddammit. Swag, finish putting the stand away, I’ll calm the boss down again.”

Chris rushes to calm Mark down as Swag looks over to the depressed Boopkins.

“Well JubJub, might as well head home now.”

“JubJub…”

“Wait!” Swag says, stopping the duo. “There’s a store across the street. They might hire you!”

Boopkins and JubJub turn to see a nice little store tucked between two buildings.

It’s called Sample Service. On the window, a sign reads, “Now Hiring, No Miners.”

“And you two aren’t miners!” Swag adds.

“OOO!” Boopkins cheers. “Thank you Swagmaster, come on JubJub!”

Boopkins rushes over as JubJub turns to Swag and stares him directly in the eyes.

“Wot?”

JubJub points at him. “Ugly.”

JubJub follows Boopkins as Swag furiously pulls out an RPG. “The first thing you say since your weak-ass character was introduced besides your name, and you insult my sexy charm? You little shit should’a stayed a scrambled egg!”

…

The store Boopkins and JubJub headed to isn’t really a store, but a delivery service. The shelves are lined with packages ready to be sent out in a moment’s notice.

Spare bikes line the wall, most unused.

It’s a small, mostly unused small business, but from the sounds of the phone ringing, it’s got its users.

At the front, the owner quickly answers the phone with her tail. She’s an orange colored monkey with thick-rimmed glasses and clear signs of stress in her eyes. She’s in a white jacket and a pair of blue jeans.

Meet Mango, the owner of this delivery service.

“Hello, Simple Service, how can I help you today?” Mango asks all the while playing Bloon Tower Defense 5 on her computer. “No, it’s called Simple Services, the sign on the store is a misspelling. It’s misspelled on the website? Dammit!”

Mango pushes up her glasses in annoyance as she focuses on the call. “A package for tomorrow? Tonight? We’re a bit stretched right now, I don’t have a lot of bike riders right now, does tomorrow morning sound preferable?”

The sounds coming from the phone shows it is not preferable. “Well we’ll deliver it in perfect and clean condition. What would you rather have? On time but in a thousand pieces like Fed-X? Or a bit late but in perfect condition!?”

BEEP! BEEP! The client hung up.

“Didn’t learn patience worth of shit!” Mango grumbles as she goes back to her video game.

“Excuse me ma’am?”

Mango looks down and sees Boopkins and JubJub standing by the desk.

“What do you kids need delivered?”

“Oh no! Not that!” Boopkins starts as JubJub spits out a reference sheet. “I’m here to apply for a job.”

Mango takes a good look at the two. “I don’t employ minors.”

“But we’re not miners!” Boopkins cheers. “We’ve never worked in a coal mine once!”

Mango is about to say something before realizing… once again. “Not.. dammit!”

“JubJub?”

“Can’t spell worth of shit.” Mango grumbles as she uses her tail to leave her desk and swing to the front door. “Now the whole Mushroom Kingdom thinks it’s called, SAMPLE SERVICE!”

“Then what is it called?” Boopkins politely asks.

“Simple Service!” Mango explains as she tears down the hiring sign. “Easy deliveries made the day of, without any damages. Example, worried that the gift you’re buying somebody for Christmas might get broken in the delivery?”

“It’s everybody’s worst nightmare.” Boopkins says.

“Then call us. We ride bikes around to avoid driver mishaps like potholes, drunken assholes, even those who think turn-signals are a suggestion.” Mango adds.

“Well I can ride a bike with training wheels!” Boopkins says. “I can go really really fast too! Right JubJub?”

“JubJub!”

Mango sighs and pushes up her glasses again. “Kid, it’s a kind offer, but I ain’t gonna hire a kid off the-”

Suddenly the phones begin ringing again. Mango looks over at them. She looks over at the bikes. Only two are being used. She looks over at the packages. There’s a bunch that needs to be delivered before night.

She sighs. “Ok… I’ll give you this afternoon. Wow me.”

Boopkins and JubJub hi-five. “Hooray, I got a job!”

“A training test!” Mango corrects. “Prove it to me!”

“Will do Ma’am!” Boopkins vows with a salute.

“At ease, spike.” Mango grumbles. “It’s just Mango.” The simian uses her tail to grab a white cat toy from the shelf. “This is due on 153 Meep Blvd within the hour. It’s for a kid’s birthday from his uncle who’s in prison for violently running over a group of pedestrians with his 2013 Honda Civic. Think you can manage?”

“Can do! Come on JubJub, let’s become working men!” Boopkins shouts as he and JubJub take the toy and the smallest bike outside.

Mango shakes her head before going back to her game. “How much free time does that kid have?”

…

Outside, Boopkins puts the training wheels on the bike. “Alright! Ready JubJub?”

JubJub meanwhile, is about to eat the toy!

“AH!” Boopkins manages to stop his brother. “JubJub! Naughty! This is for somebody else!”

Boopkins places JubJub and the cat toy in the front basket. “Keep it safe from any danger!”

JubJub nods to his brother as Boopkins turns on some music. It’s Lipstick Message from Kiki’s Delivery Service.

“We can live our own anime adventures out in the wild!” Boopkins cheers as the music begins blasting from his phone.

And the brothers are off! Making good on his promise to Mango, Boopkins is a fast bike rider despite his stubby legs.

Swerving through the crowds and traffic, Boopkins manages to make it through several city blocks in a matter of minutes.

“I’ll TE-E-EL YOUR MOTHER!” Boopkins off-key caterwauls as he gets closer to his destination.

THUMP!

Suddenly, Boopkins crashes into a fat man in purple overalls and a yellow shirt. “Ow!” the young amphibian grunts as the man turns around.

It’s Wario! Con artist, Mario’s rival, and all-around bully. “Watch where you’re going runt!”

“Oh, Sorry Wario!” Boopkins apologizes. “I’m just doing my job!”

Wario looks at JubJub holding the cat toy and smiles. “Very rude to bike without looking! Shocked you can even reach the pedals!”

“Hey, that’s not very nice.” Boopkins laments.

“Well you’re a young lad right? You need to learn that the world isn’t nice.” Wario laughs. “Lesson one!”

Wario grabs the toy and CHUCKS IT INTO AN OPEN SEWER GRATE! Boopkins and JubJub scream as they rush to it.

“Don’t wanna lose it, hold onto it!” Wario laughs as he walks away. “Have a rotten day!”

Boopkins and JubJub struggle to open the sewer. First task of their first job, they can’t fail this easily!

“No! NO!” Boopkins screams. “Come on JubJub, we can do this!”

The brothers try their hardest to open the sewer.

Eventually, Boopkins begins hitting the grate, desperate to open them. “Come on! No! We’ve come so close!”

“i’M a ReGiStErEd SeX oFfEnDeR! i StUcK mY dIcK iNtO a BlEnDeR!” A computerized voice raps. Boopkins and JubJub turn to see the rapper is…

BOB! Who is holding a can of paint thinner… for some reason. “mY mOm Is A tRaNsGeNdEr. I’lL rEtUrN yOuR kId To ItS sEnDeR! oH yEaH bOi, RaPpEr BoB aRc 2 iS cOmInG uP hArD lIkE a PoRn StAr!”

He turns to see Boopkins and JubJub near the sewers. “BoOpKiNs! BiTcH! hOw’S iT gOiNg? PlAyInG iN tHe SeWeRs? I rEmEmBeR tHe GoOd OlD dAyS!”

Boopkins smiles and hugs his friend. “Bob! I really need your help. I got a job delivering stuff, and Wairo threw the package in the sewers like the bully he is! Can you help?”

Bob thinks for a second. “yEaH i ThInK i CaN!” He puts the can away and replaces his swords with large screw drivers. “tImE tO sCrEw BaBy!”

Bob removes the sewer grate, allowing Boopkins the chance to grab the cat toy. “Thanks Bob!”

Unfortunately the white cat toy has become a black one thanks to the sewers. “Aw man…”

Suddenly, JubJub EATS IT!

“JUBJUB! You can’t eat that!” Boopkins screams, trying to get his brother to spit out the toy.

“AnD wHy WoUlD yOu?” Bob asks. “ItS pRoBaBlY gOt SeWeR aIdS!”

Boopkins and JubJub’s struggle lead them to the apartment that occupies 153 Meep Blvd.

SLAM! The Kid and his Mother exit the house. “What’s going on out here? My son is trying to enjoy his birthday!”

Boopkins and JubJub stop. Suddenly, JubJub spits the toy out, revealing that his mouth cleaned it and changed the color to green… somehow.

“Uh, happy birthday from your Uncle and Simple Service!” Boopkins cheers. The kid looks at the cat and smiles.

“My favorite color! My uncle is the best! I wanna be just like him!” The Kid beams before going back inside.

“yOu MiGhT wAnT tO aSk FoR a HoNdA cIvIc If YoU wAnNa Do ThAt!” Bob says. This earns him a bitch slap into a street lamp by the Mom. “My OvArIeS.”

The Mother turns to JubJub and pats him on the head. She then gives Boopkins some money. “Good boys!”

She leaves as Boopkins and JubJub fi-five. “Our first job!” Fishy cheers. “Good job on changing the color JubJub, didn’t know you could do that.”

If JubJub could speak, he’d agree.

Bob picks himself up from the ground and turns to the delivery boys. “sAy GuYs, I nEeD tHiS cAn Of PaInT tHiNnEr BrOuGhT tO a GuY oN tHe ShAdY sIdE oF tOwN. CAn YoU dElIvEr iT?”

Boopkins and JubJub are somewhat reluctant to make a spare delivery, they just finished the one they were commissioned for. “I don’t know…”

Bob pulls out a bag of money. “i’Ve GoT sTaCkS bRo!”

“OOO!”

…

Boopkins and JubJub are on the road again with a bottle of paint thinner. JubJub tries to drink it, but Boopkins hands him a water bottle.

“Don’t drink that.”

…

In the shady side of town; no I’m serious, the amount of shade the trees give there is amazing: Boopkins and JubJub slowly bike around.

“Paint Thinner from Bob?” Boopkins calls out.

“That’ll be mine, dear boy.” A Judge with thick glasses, pale skin, and a black leather outfit on mutters. “Need that for my dip.”

Boopkins happily gives him the thinner. “Thank you son.” The Judge creepily says before floating away into the shadows.

…

Back at Simple Service, Mango has managed to change the sign to say SIMPLE.

“Perfect… right Steve?” Mango asks. Minecraft Steve nods in approval.

“Yeah.”

Mango turns and sees Boopkins and JubJub happily biking back to the store.

“You guys are 30 minutes late! What gives?” Mango asks as Steve turns to Creative Mode and flies away.

“Sorry Miss Mango, but a bully tried to sabotage the delivery, so a friend of our’s helped.” Boopkins starts.

“Another thing, learn to fight.” Mango remarks.

“And our friend needed help delivering something, so we helped him.” Boopkins continues.

Mango sighs and rubs her forehead. “Don’t tell me you pulled a favor…”

“Oh no!” Boopkins says, handing Mango the money. “He paid us.”

Mango holds the money and her eyes turn to dollar signs. “Let’s get you boys signed up!”

“Hooray!”           “JubJub!”

…

Mango turns her game off to officially sign Boopkins up.

“Name?”

“Fishy Boopkins!”

Mango pauses before typing it. Her hands begin to shake as she starts sweating. “How do you spell that?”

“F I S H Y B O O P K I N S.”

Mango slowly types that in. She shows the screen to Boopkins.

“That’s good!” Boopkins happily responds. Mango sighs in relief.

“Thank God… what’s your brother’s name?”

“JubJub!” JubJub happily states.

“J U B twice?” Mango asks. JubJub nods. “I should be able to spell that!”

“Don’t worry, I can’t spell perfectly either.” Boopkins sympathetically states.

“It’s not just spelling. I can’t read worth a shit, and I can’t spell out loud either.” Mango sadly states. “Ever heard of dyslexia?”

“Nope. My friend Mario once got diphtheria, is that close?”

“What NO!” Mango gags in disgust. “Dyslexia! It’s a mental disability like ADD. It affects learning comprehension. I used to not be able to spell a damn thing.”

“Did you get a tutor like I did?” Boopkins happily asks.

“No, my teachers kept hitting me with a ruler until I got it right.” Mango responds.

Boopkins and JubJub ponder on how to respond to that. “JubJub?”

“I’ve got nothing, JubJub. I’ve got nothing.”

“Let’s not dwell on the past, right now I’ve got a few more deliveries to make before sundown. Think you boys can manage?”

Boopkin and JubJub nod toward each other. Boopkins grabs for his music player.

The song, Nowhere Fast by Jim Steinman and Meatloaf.

…

It’s Getting Cold, It’s Getting Dark

The nights are longer everyday!

The Air is heavy

And the clouds will never burn away!

On the bike again, Boopkins and JubJub make quick work of biking through the city.

First stop, Fine Dining and Eating!

RomRom Gramsey waits outside as Boopkins delivers him a live turkey.

“Here you go Mr. Gramsey!”

RomRom begins sniffing the living turkey. “Yes! This is bloody perfect! Thank you Fishy Boopkins and JubJub! Tonight’s dinner is saved!”

Boopkins and JubJub hi-five.

“Time to finger this turkey’s arsehole.” RomRom begins fingering the turkey, much to Boopkins, JubJub, and our viewing displeasure.

…

And we’ve been waiting here so long

That we’ve forgotten what it’s like

To run into the fire

Looking straight into the street into the night!

Next delivery, Boopkins and JubJub are in the suburban region called Dimsdale. Their package is for local childless eccentric Dinkleberg.

“Here you go Mr. Dinkleberg! From Mr. Turner himself!” Boopkins beams as JubJub hands him the package.

“Wow! Thanks Turner!” Dinkleberg politely says as Mr. Turner watches nearby with excitement.

“Come on Dinkleberg, open your gift…”

Dinkleberg opens it, and it’s a pretty flower. “Very nice! Thanks Turner!”

Mr. Turner is shocked. “What? Did I accidentally send him the flowers and put the pipebomb in my vase?”

Mr. Turner turns to see, he did in fact, put the pipebomb in the vase. “DINKLEBERG.”

BOOM!

…

I want to tear it all apart and take the clothes right off your back!

We’re tearing down the highway and we’re breaking away

Breaking away!

BREAKING AWAY!

…

Back at the office, Mango calls up Boopkins as the newest client, The Angry Video Game Nerd, snickers by the desk.

“Hey Boopkins, the client for your next delivery has specific instructions.”

…

We’re breaking away from the pack.

Boopkins and JubJub ring the doorbell. The Nostalgia Critic answers it.

“A gift from Angry Joe!” Boopkins happily sings. The package?

“A bat credit card?” The Critic angrily says.

…

In Angry Joe’s livestream, the reviewer is happily watching Man of Steel for the 90th time this month.

Nostalgia Critic bursts through the wall. “YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

The Critic attacks Angry Joe, ending the livestream.

…

Boopkins and JubJub happily bike around the city, getting to and from their delivery points with ease.

OH WE’RE BREAKING AWAY FROM THE PACK!

AND IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANYWHERE TO GO!

YOU GO DOWN ON THE PEDAL AND YA’ READY TO ROLL!

AND YOUR SPEED IS ALL YOUR EVER GONNA TO KNOW!

KNOW IT! KNOW IT!

Boopkins misses his delivery point from how fast he’s biking. JubJub uses his tongue to slingshot the two back around.

The person who got the delivery? Haru from Beastars.

“Special delivery!” Boopkins screams. JubJub tosses her the package.

“Thank you!” The Lagamorph calls. Her boyfriend, a grey wolf named Legoshi, pops his head out.

“What’cha buy?”

Haru smiles as she pulls out a collar and leash.

Scene Cut for Basic Goonery

you pervs

…

You and Me are going nowhere slowly!

And we gotta get away from the past!

There’s nothing wrong with going nowhere baby!

But we should be going nowhere FAST!

You and me are going NOWHERE FAST!

Boopkins and JubJub head back to the office as Mango celebrates their deliveries.

“Last package boys! You did great for day one!” Mango cheers as she grabs the last package.

“Aw thanks Miss Mango. JubJub loves riding in the basket, so he’s ready for day two!” Boopkins happily sings.

“JubJub!”

Mango sighs before grabbing the last package. “I can’t have you boys working 5 days a week for me. It’s not right, and I know that. How does this sound, 2 days a week, you help out for 2 or 3 hours with the work load?”

“That sounds pretty good!” Boopkins agrees as he takes the last package.

“As glad as I am to have the help, I can’t be barking two kids around for 9 hour days.” Mango admits as she swings from the street lamp by her tail. “Make me feel like a slave master.”

“Hey! This package is for Saiko-chan!” Boopkins happily states.

“JubJub!”

“What?” Mango asks. She jumps off the pole and looks at the package.

“Yeah! K2 Drive, she lives there.” Boopkins points out.

“Saiko? Like Saiko Bichitaru? Of KS-2?” Mango asks, her eyes glowing.

“Yeah! I’m the reason she’s even alive! I brought her out of her game and became one of her best friends!” Boopkins adds.

“You’re the reason my favorite band exists?” Mango asks before dapping Boopkins up. “Fishy, dude! My man, I’m glad I hired you!”

Boopkins puts JubJub and the package in the basket. “So, what type of package is this?”

“The secret admirer special!” Mango states.

“Saiko-chan’s got a secret admirer!?” Boopkins screams, ensuring this secret remains anything but!

“Yeah, a SECRET admirer.” Mango reminds Fishy.

“Come on JubJub! Let’s help Saiko-chan’s lover find love!” Boopkins says before biking away.

“Not lover! ADMIRER!” Mango yells, following Boopkins.

…

Near Saiko’s house, Boopkins and JubJub park their bike, ready to finish off their delivery.

“Alright JubJub. Saiko’s house!” Boopkins says while helping his brother and the package out. “Let’s finish today in style!”

The brothers are about to embark, but are stopped by a large man.

It’s Wario again. “Well Well Well! If it isn’t the delivery boys?”

“Oh no. Wario! Leave us alone!” Boopkins demands.

“JubJub!” JubJub says, hiding the package.

“Oh, and you won’t let me see what your new package is? How rude, I might want to steal it!” Wario says, approaching the boys with his fists out.

Boopkins slowly curls his fists up. “I’ve gotta be brave!”

Boopkins jumps on Wario’s face and begins lightly punching him. It does, less than nothing.

“Take that! And that!” Boopkins grunts. Wario slaps him off his face and throws him on the ground.

“Run JubJub!” Boopkins calls as JubJub tries to sprint away from Wario.

“WAH?” Wario growls before smiling. “Too easy!”

Wario jumps into the air and prepares to slam his ass onto JubJub.

“JUBJUB LOOK OUT!” Boopkins calls out. JubJub sees Wario about to ground pound him, and decides to bite him on the ass.

“NOM!”

“AAAA!”

Wario runs around, screaming like a little bitch as Boopkins cheers his younger brother on.

“Get him JubJub!”

From across the street, Wario’s brother Waluigi is serving tacos to Baldi from Baldi’s Basics.

“Oh, look!” Baldi points at Wario getting beaten up.

Waluigi just sighs. “I told him to use his pilot license, if he wants to keep pulling scams, he can keep getting beat up. Next please!”

Wario manages to rip JubJub off and he throws him at Boopkins. The little guy begins weeping as Boopkins comforts him.

The package is unguarded, and on the ground.

“You two love this package so much? Here’s what I think of it!” Wario growls before raising his left foot over it!

“NO!” Boopkins screams as JubJub looks away in despair.

WHIP!

Wario’s foot is stopped by Mango, who just wrapped her tail around it. And boy is she pissed!

Wario’s head shrinks in fear, realizing he done fucked up now! “monkee”

“Leave my employees ALONE!” Mango screeches as she trips Wario and kicks him to the side.

Wario quickly gets up and begins throwing punches. Mango avoids them as she hops and swings around.

Boopkins quickly recovers the package. “Not a scratch on it!”

JubJub growls and turns to watch the fight. “JUBJUB!”

“Come on Mango! Get him!”

The brothers cheer Mango on as she continues to avoid Wario’s punches. There’s just one problem, she might be agile, but she’s not a fighter.

Wario manages to grab Mango by the collar and readies his fist. “Let’s see your tail work now!”

“JUBJUB!” JubJub jumps up and bites down on Wario’s fist.

“NOT AGAIN!” Wario screams as he lets Mango go and focuses on trying to get JubJub off his hand.

Boopkins looks around for something he could do. He notices that his training wheels are loose.

“Hey bully!” Boopkins screams as Wario stops fidgeting.

“Wah?”

Boopkins hits Wario in his big purple nose with the training wheels.

“Take that you brute!” Boopkins screams. It didn’t do much.

“Ok, that was stupid. How was that painful?” Wario asks as JubJub notices something and lets go of the hand.

Mango jumps back up and readies her tail. “For my next impression, Baldi!”

“WAH?”

SLAP!

Mango slaps her tail against Wario’s ass, causing his tailbone to break and sending his skin rippling like water.

Wario’s screams turn into fire alarms. The force sends his ass across the street and into a bunch of garbage cans.

HOME RUN!

Wario gets up and runs away, crying. “NO FAIR! WAH!”

Mango relaxes her tail as JubJub and Boopkins hug her.

“Mango! Thank you so much!”

“JubJub!”

“Relax boys. Ain’t nobody messing with you two. That brute won’t be back for weeks. And when he does, he ain’t gonna be touching any of us.” Mango calmly states while letting the boys down.

“You do care about us!” Boopkins happily cries.

“Yeah, and I wanted…” Mango starts before pulling out a KS-2 poster. “Saiko’s signature.”

“Well then let’s get to it!” Boopkins says as he rings the doorbell.

“Coming dammit!” Saiko screams as she opens the door. “What do you… oh hey Boopkins.”

“Hello Saiko-Chan! We at Simple Services have a package for you!” Boopkins cheers as JubJub presents her the package.

“You finally got a job?” Saiko sarcastically asks. “So, what is it?”

“We don’t know. It’s from your secret admirer.” Boopkins happily says.

Saiko turns beet red. “What?”

“Yeup. Somebody’s more than just a fan!” Boopkins adds.

Saiko.EXE has shut down. This is what Saiko used to always want back when she was stuck in her old video game. Love and admiration. The issue was, after years of not being played, avoided for being too scary, and mocked for being too edgy, that desire turned into an obsession over attention and validation. The person she was when Boopkins freed her was an attention hungry monster.

The person she became over-time, was more of the person she was. She still has anger issues and is a bit too attention hungry, but at least she isn’t setting people on fire over it.

That’s why she bought a hammer.

But after nearly killing Boopkins, Saiko swore off love, even after she calmed down. She just never found the time for love of one person.

So for it to come on her doorstep was frightening for her.

“I… I don’t know.” she mutters. “Do I?”

“Don’t you dare say you don’t deserve it!” Boopkins sternly says. “All of my friends deserve love, and you’re one of them!”

Saiko nods at Boopkins. “Hell yeah. I deserve this! I deserve-”

Saiko’s about to open it, but Mango stops her. “Wait! You need to sign this before you open it!”

Saiko sighs and turns to sign… Mango’s poster. Mango is now wearing a KS-2 shirt. “It’ll complete my collection.”

Saiko sighs and quickly signs it.

“My precious!” Mango growls as Saiko opens the box.

“Nani? A letter?” Saiko pulls out the letter L. “And a note?” She pulls out a C Minor note. “And what’s this?”

Saiko grabs an actual letter this time. “To Saiko, here’s a gift for the most badass girl in the world. Hope to send more tokens of my love soon!”

It’s gift cards for KFC.

“OH MY GAWD! FRIED CHICKEN! YES!” Saiko screams as she runs off to cash the cards in. “Don’t know who sent this, but I love them already!”

Boopkins and JubJub smile at Saiko’s happiness as Mango holds onto her poster.

“We did good JubJub. We did good.” Boopkins happily states as JubJub hugs him.

“I met Saiko-Chan! My life is mostly complete!” Mango cheers. She turns to the brothers. “Boys, you impressed me today. You’ve earned this.”

Mango hands Boopkins a stack of money. “See you guys next time!”

Mango swings away as Boopkins puts his money away. “First payday JubJub! We did it! Come on, I’ll treat us to ice cream!”

“JubJub?” JubJub asks with some confusion.

“Anime is nice, but we’ve earned something better today!” Boopkins happily responds.

JubJub cheers as he and Boopkins head off into the city. A hard day’s work is completed, and a treat will follow.

First day on the job, first pay check earned. The Boopkins Brothers are growing up.

From the corner of the street, just out of view, Tari watched the whole ordeal go down. Her face turns red as she pumps her cybernetic arm.

“It worked… it worked!” She beams.

Luigi pats her on the back. “Told you it worked. Next will come the blind date!”

“I don’t know about that.” Tari mumbles. “I mean, I’m glad I’ve started, but am I moving too fast?”

“No.” Luigi assures her. “Just keep things calm and things will turn out just fine!”

“Hey, Brother!” Mario calls from the corner. The milkshake cup is still stuck on his nose. “I’m stuck!”

Luigi slaps him in the face. “Stop ruining the moment!”

Chapter Text

DK Summit

The highest peak of the Mushroom Kingdom: 7,250 feet high.

Also the home of DK Summit Convention Hall. Around 5,200 feet high in the mountain.

Home to hotels, convention halls, and the annual Writer's Summit.

Once a year for two weeks, writers from across the planet arrive at DK Summit Convention Hall to share stories, sell books, and learn.

Melony Melone has spent her time there, hoping to cure her burn out.

...

I’m tired. I’m tired and I’m useless.

I’m dumb, a joke, a fruit… wait, I am a fruit. What kind of fruit would become tired and stupid? I would.

I’m stupid because… I’m stupid because…

I’m stupid because I can’t even figure out how I’m stupid. That’s how stupid I am. I can’t even figure it out, nothing original. No original thoughts in my head.

I’m not original. No original thoughts in my head. My only success was finishing Axol’s old work. Even then it wasn’t his best work, it was made because he fell in love with me.

A watermelon that was good at hacking computer systems. I haven’t hacked a thing in years. I’m not even the best at computers in my friend group anymore. 4 and his minion friend could lap me. It’s the reverse of the tortoise and the hair, just replace the tortoise winning with the rabbit and his friends gang-beating the tortoise like those teens with a tire against the hobo. I remember that news story.

God, the world is such a cruel place. How can I write in a world like this?

God? God… I am a God, but is there a God? I hope there is so I can see Axol again. I miss Axol, I loved Axol. I bought a pet Axolotl and named it after him I missed him so much.

No, it would be… I missed him so much that I bought a pet Axolotl and named it after him. God, I can’t even perform the basic rules of grammar anymore, I’m so stupid.

Would Axol judge me if I moved on?

…

Those were the last thoughts that went through my empty head before I woke up on a bed. A horrible bed only a stupid person would find comfy. I used to find it comfy, but I can’t even sleep on that anymore.

I turn to see the sun rising over the mountains of DK Summit. It’s beautiful, stunning, one of the best sites in the entire kingdom. Wish I could enjoy it.

This entire week I’ve been at a writer’s summit. Trying to get better at writing, hasn’t worked so far.

It’s been almost 2 months since I’ve published The Melon and the Axolotl. I haven’t even written a page of anything since.

I’m stuck. I’m stuck on a blank piece of paper, trying to achieve an inkling of what I used to do perfectly fine at. If even…

Inkling… maybe I could turn Meggy into an icon. I could tell her story. Splatfest, Desti’s death, becoming a human, winning Splatfest, Port Aurora, One-Shot Wren, and Mr. Puzzles. Unlike me, I think she’s gotten over most of it… I think. She doesn’t wear her mind on her sleeve.

I do that all the time. I’m a burden. I’m annoying. All I do is cry about Axol. I should be over him shouldn’t I? He’d want me to move on. I should move on, don’t I have the body to move on?

I drag my stupid self out of bed and glare at myself in the mirror. Bed head… my hair’s a mess. Puke green hair, and a body that clearly was modeled to make people aroused.

My luck. I’m a narcoleptic, lazy writer, and I have thick thighs and a great chest.

I’ve looked it up recently. 660 results on rule 34, and counting. I guess I shouldn’t be shocked. I was on a popular YouTube channel for about 5 years. It’s been almost a month now since 4 retired. So I can understand why the porn of me has stopped.

I can’t be that much of an attention whore for any external admiration… can I?

Am I that lackluster of a writer, that I’m desperate for anything that could make me feel like an artist?

I sigh sadly into the mirror, knowing that the negative voices in my head are getting louder.

I know soon that the only voice left will be the one that kept calling me stupid in my sleep.

…

Dk Summit Convention Hall. Usually this place is full of snow enthusiasts. God I hate the snow.

But today it’s full of the people who are a part of the art form I too am connected to. Writing.

It’s been 2 months since I’ve bothered writing, somehow writing my story for kids didn’t cure anything. That’s what I get for thinking band-aid solutions would work.

I’m proud of it, but I can’t help but think it’s the best I've done.

Most people are here to show off what they’ve done, show people what they’re working on, or learn something. I’m here to do the 3rd one.

There’s a few summits I’ve attended, but most of them are just repeating the same talking point.

Character Arc, Emotions. Hero’s Journey, Three-Act Structure. Nothing about how to get your act together.

I shouldn’t have come here, I should’ve just stayed home. I should be getting some real sleep. Not the fake sleep I get from eating melatonin like fruit snacks. I’m just wandering around the convention hall like the complete loser I am-

“Hey! Are you Melony Melone?” A young Inkling Girl dressed like Apple-Chan from Two-Piece asks me.

I sigh and smile. Despite all the negative thoughts, the fans keep me going. They love my stories even when I don’t.

It helps keep the mean voices at bay.

…

I hate writer/reader digest.

At these summits, writers are encouraged to discuss with readers over their books. It’s supposed to start a conversation.

What it usually turns into is the reader trying to look smart by putting their own words into the writer’s mouth, all the while the writer either agrees to look smart, or they say nothing to remain mysterious.

If I had written a completely incomprehensible book like Infinite Jest, or a complex political metaphor like The Fountainhead, then yeah I’d be up for this discussion…

“It’s about freedom of control. The melon allowed itself to be controlled by the axolotl. It’s a feminist children’s book!” A female toad with thick rimmed glasses smugly stated.

A chubby Koopa in a suit jacket makes an obnoxious “tsk” sound, signalling openly that he disagrees with her and finds her stupid. “Obviously, it’s about control and freedom from society. Once society collapses, as it will “inevitably will”... the melon must find its own path! It’s simple anarchy teachings for the future of kindergarten survivalists.”

“Erm… I kindly think not!” An annoying woman in rainbow puke clothes says. “It’s a clear anti-feminist propaganda piece that tells young girls that they are useless without a man in their life. Why do you think the melon made new friends? Clearly, somebody hasn’t lived a true experience free from internalized misogyny."

A Goomba wearing the shirt of a guy being horribly shot in the neck stands up. I’ve seen that guy, who is he? “HEY! If that be what da’ book is, I’d like it! It’s clearly socialist queer shit encouraging our kids to fuck honeydews.”

The more and more these people talk, the angrier I get. How can they get my work THIS wrong? They have to be trying to get it wrong!

“But I think the Axolotl is about childhood innocence. How it gets stripped away when a traumatic, life-changing event happens, with no possible chance of mental preparation.” A Toad in a gold outfit and shades says… he kinda got a part of it right.

Too right…

The others in this “intelligent” group discussion don’t share his sentiment.

“That’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard of!”

“Clearly you haven’t read the complex works of Harry Potter and Hunger Games.”

I can’t let these bullies speak to a guest this way! I built all the courage in the world to stand up and speak over the crowd…

“as the author, I think I could explain a few things…” I pathetically squeak out.

“We believe in Death of the Author, you’re just glad we invited you.” One of them says, I can’t even tell because I’m already sitting back down.

Can’t stand up for that Toad, can’t stand up for myself. I’m pathetic, I’m a loser, I’m weak.

I can’t defend the books I make, why can I even make another book? How can I? If I tell the story of Meggy, how can I watch it get ripped from my hands? What’ll they do to Meggy? What will they do to me? What will Meggy do to me? Will she hate me for allowing her life to turn into a political inkblot test for a bunch of meanies? I can’t believe I even got this far. Could I-

“Yo!” The Gold Toad breaks me out of my funk again. He smiles as he pats me on the back. “Let’s blow this popstand, let the losers loath.”

“Ugh…” Finally, a good idea. Not shocked it didn’t come from me.

…

I’m walking around the convention hall with the gold Toad, Ben. He was one of SMG4’s old friends from before me, Tari, Meggy, even Boopkins were involved. With some free food from the lunch bar, we keep our heads above the crowd.

“And so, I figured, I can’t keep living life like a party. The party can’t last forever, ain’t much of a party. Temporary bliss is not eternal satisfaction.” Ben rambles about, I kinda lost track of his conversation. I lost it when he talked about becoming a mermaid and losing his kidneys to bet more money for drugs.

4, you have the strangest friends. At least he knows how to make them, I can’t make any worth of-

“Hey!” Ben shouts. “Get out of your head!”

“Sorry…” I mumble.

“But I figured I need to cut my problems at the bud!” Ben continues to explain him going clean from his grocery list of problems. “I got into new age healing. I learned to keep my mind and body at rhythm. Turns out, the body knows more of what it needs than the mind, the mind can be corrupted. I cut out the drugs and liquor, stopped gambling, I found peace!”

“Is that what all that healing did?” I ask, hoping maybe for an answer to my block.

“Eh… no I got lucky.” Ben admits. “Turns out, I got the ones that stand-out from most new age healing. Most of it encourages the debauchery I was living in. Live life to the fullest, nihilistic fun. That’s why most of these “new age” people overdose on heroin at 40, or are estranged by their family after they sell all their property to a private banking company and blow it on con charities while living near the beach.”

I have no idea what he just said.

“But yeah, that’s how I discovered writing.” Ben says while pulling out a binder filled to the brim with papers. Is that his book? “This is the manuscript of my memoir. A Million Little Lies.”

That is his book. This guy hasn’t written before, and he can write more than me. I can’t even write a 30 page children’s book without needing a two month break.

“It’s all about my stupidity, and my quest to become intelligent! Emotionally at least.” Ben pauses for a second before turning my way. “You come here to the DK Summit often?”

I sigh, can’t keep this bottled up forever. “I’m in the middle of a bad spell of writer’s block.”

“Oof, that kills writers.” Ben says, already setting off the warning bells in my stupid head. “Metaphorically speaking.”

Ain’t gonna silence them.

“Yeah, Robert McKee said so in his story seminar.”

“Who?” I ask.

“Robert McKee, he teaches the story seminar class.” Ben points to a packed auditorium of people taking notes. A guy that kinda looks like Brian Cox is teaching the class.

The amount of vulgarities coming out of his mouth would be enough to demonetize 4’s channel instantly. A lot of f bombs.

“Seems intimidating, but he knows story.” Ben continues onward. “He mainly works in screenplays, but his rules are universal. Books, comics, plays. You should check him out tomorrow if you need some rules to rebuild on.”

I hesitate. “It’s mainly creative burn out.”

“Need a kick in the pants anytime!” Ben states. “Besides, The Melon and the Axolotl was the first Non-Two Piece related work you’ve done, you have the juices. You just need to squeeze it out!”

Ben gives a confident smile and walks away, but it doesn’t silence the voices.

The only thing I can think of now is just how stupid I am. I need to be re-taught everything I know? I’ve worked on Two Piece for 3 years and my own work for another, and I’m already tired? How much of a weak, stupid writer must I be?

I didn’t even create Two Piece, all I did was finish Axol started. If I never met Axol, I’d never have gotten anywhere. I’d still be a stupid watermelon, playing on a computer all day. I don’t deserve this fierce deity mask, I don’t deserve this power. I’m just a joke.

I never started to think for myself until I started writing on my own. Axol’s death jumpstarted it.

Axol’s death was the best thing to happen to me…

I rush to the bathroom and puke at that though.

“What is wrong with you?” I scream to myself. Axol’s death was the worst thing to happen to me? Do I hate myself that much that I would think that?

Axol’s death will always be the worst thing to ever happen to me. It shook me to my core! I still remember having to kill him to delay Niles’s rampage by a few months.

You killed him for no reason.

“NO!” I scream, hitting myself. Why? Why? Why must I think this way?

Niles corrupted my innocence. I saw how cruel the world could be. My innocence was stripped away in a traumatic experience! I had no…

“means to prepare.” I finish out loud. Ben was right. The Melon and the Axolotl was my therapy, and I blew it…

Screw this, I’m going back to the hotel.

…

It’s almost 10 pm. I can hear the after party happening in the dance hall on the bottom floor.

I’m in the honeymoon suite on floor 15.

It isn’t that impressive when you think about how tall hotels can get, but we’re on the side of a mountain. An uncontrolled avalanche could send the whole thing down 5000 feet or something.

And if they keep partying like they’re doing down there, IT’S GOING TO FREAKIN’ HAPPEN!

It isn’t even music sounding down there. It just sounds like screaming and people hitting each other!

It’s like a concert made for people with tourettes.

“hehe” I laugh at that offensive joke. God, Axol was right. Bob is a bad influence.

“I THINK SOMEBODY PUNCHED THE SPIKE!” The lead singer screams before going back to acting wild. From the way he sounds, I think somebody did spike it.

God, can’t they just turn it down a little bit? Am I seriously going back on melatonin just to-

RING! RING!

My phone! That’s right, I haven’t talked to Meggy for a bit. I gotta see how Axol Jr’s doing!

“Hi Meggy!” I answer, trying my best to sound like I’ve been having a good day.

“Uh, hey Melony…” Meggy says, shockingly out of breath. She pants heavily, all the while muttering something I can’t understand to herself. “I uh… I need to… oh squid…”

She hasn’t sounded like this since Puzzles double downed all those months ago.

“Meggy? What’s going on?”

“Mel… it’s not… I can’t do this, I’m gonna throw up.” Meggy utters as she hands her phone off to…

“Melony? Right?” I don’t know who this guy is.

“Yes. Who is this?” I ask.

“It’s uh, FM, one of SMG4’s old friends, and a cop who works with Meggy and Hal.” The mystery man tells me.
FM? “Who? I never saw you when I was a cop for a week.”

“I really wasn’t a part of the adventures for a long stretch, unimportant. Listen, it’s about your pet axolotl.”

Please no…

“I’m sorry.” FM says, I guess I said that outloud.

“What? What happened?!” I cry, tears already flooding my eyes.

“How… well it started breathing abnormally and wouldn’t eat all day. So Meggy took it to the vet. I guess it was older than you thought.” FM tells me.

“Older? It was 3! Pet axolotls live in captivity for up to 25 years! I’d never have to say goodbye for a while!” I scream, my throat begins to turn red.

Why me? Why now?

“I checked the records and the pet store lied to you! They wanted rid of it so they told you it was 3 so you’d buy it for a regular price!”

“How old was he?!”

FM mutters to himself.

“WELL?” I say, my fierce deity powers are beginning to unmask. I can’t control it, I can’t control anything.

“14.” FM admits.

“WHAT?!” I yell, becoming less and less Melony and more and more Deity.

I can’t control myself, I can’t control a pet!

“They lied to you about it, Meggy is getting a false records lawsuit ready.” FM explains. I can barely listen to him.

“Mainly because of fraud relating to it-”

“HE WAS NOT AN IT! HIS NAME WAS AXOL, AND I LOVED HIM!” I screamed, fully embracing my powers.

I can’t control anything, not my friend’s safety, not the life of Axol.

I’m stupid, I’m a loser, I’m nothing.

I can’t write a book, my only success came from Axol. He’s dead and I’m never moving on from him.

I’m nothing. I’m nothing. I’m nothingI’mnothingnothingI’mstupidnothing-

I notice that my powers have faded and that I burned my phone in my hands.

I guess that’s why the insurance company won’t pay for them.

I hope I didn’t fuck up and hurt FM or Meggy. Wouldn’t be shocked if I did…

Whatever.

I float my stupid-ass down into my bed, hoping I don’t ruin tonight’s sleep.

Nothing…

stupid…

…

I wake up on a beach. It’s a lovely beach. Golden sunshine, beautiful blue skies, and crystal clear ocean water.

What am I doing here?

Am I alone?

I don’t want to be alone.

I begin to cry, until.

“Hey Melony!” A raspy voice straight from the heart sings to me.

“Axol?”

Axol, scars and all, smiles as he rushes and hugs me. “I’ve missed you so much! I hate being on vacation without you!”

I grasp onto Axol and cry. I missed him, I missed his touch, I miss

“You…” I mutter while holding onto him. “I’m sorry Axol…”

My voice can barely squeak it out as Axol holds onto me.

“Don’t worry Melony, I’m here.” he says, whispering in my ear. “I’ll never have to leave you again. We can be happy forever.”

I smile at that. For once, the voices in my head don’t scold me. I don’t beat myself up.

I’m happy…

I’m floating…

I’m with Axol…

…

I wake up from my dream, I’m in fierce deity mode, floating in my room.

Been a while since I’ve been meditating.

What are we doing here?

What do you mean?

Driving ourselves insane

I used to rule worlds and defeat monsters left and right. Now I’m attached to an oversized watermelon with double ds that can’t get over her crush’s death.

I can’t even argue with you anymore.

Pathetic.

I remember when Niles tried to take us over. We’d argue for hours, your will was so much stronger then.

Now look at you. You can’t even write a page without breaking down.

I’m not the melon I used to be.

I can’t control you, myself, or anything. I can’t even keep a pet alive…

I’m weak and pathetic.

Then stop being! Be the melon you are.

…

I’ll come back, when you’re ready to be a hero.

…

I’m in the convention hall. I look like shit, I feel like shit, everything is shit. I pay no attention to anybody. I just wander around, trying to find somebody to talk to.

I end up finding Ben, who is shaking while sipping a coffee. He looks as bad as I am.

“Holy shit Mel… did you go to that raver last night?” Ben asks me.

“No.”

“Well you look like you just got off a bad trip. Somebody spiked the punch last night, and nobody’s here right now.” Ben continues.

“Impossible, I’ve… seen…”

There’s nobody around me. I hate this.

“Is everybody back at their hotels?” I ask, the creeping agoraphobia is rising on my back.

“Or passed out on the dance floor or in the hospital 3,000 feet below.” Ben says. “Luckily I knew it was punched from sip one, so I can still claim sobriety…”

His body continues to shake as he chugs his Joe. “Hey! That means McKee’s seminar might be open. Let’s hit it Mel!”

Ben grabs me by the arm and drags me through the venue. Great, I get to go back to writing class.

…

A large expansive arena awaits the two of us. This is gonna suck, just us in a classroom meant for hundreds.

There’s only 3 people up front. McKee is on stage, glaring daggers at one of the 3 students.

He’s a Tall Guy in a Hawaiian Shirt and Sunglasses. He is NOT dressed for being up on the mountain.

“You idiot twat! No wonder nobody wants to read your movies! If you do not know where you’re going, the audience isn’t going to pay attention! A rambling mess is what it’ll be without an outline! A RAMBLING MESS!” McKee scolds The Tall Guy.

“Well, Stephen King said-”

“Stephen King wrote an underage gang-bang in It because he was coked out and lost his track of page!” McKee interrupts… wait, underage gang-bang?

“Now learn to outline or fuck off!”

The Tall Guy nods. “Ok…” He slowly slinks down.

As Ben and I get closer to the front, we get to see the other two. One is a female green stegosaurus in an Anime shirt that says Oppai. The other is a female inkling in winter sportswear with aquamarine tentacle hair.

A Stegosaur, an Inkling, a Giant, a Toad, and a Melon. Quite the sideshow.

“Come, sit down. Thanks to some jackass last night, most of today’s class is out with a mean hangover. Don’t bother me, I still get paid!” McKee gruffs as Ben and I take our seats.

“In seeing how today’s class is limited to just 5 lost souls, I think a series of introductions are in order.” McKee says, great introductions. “I am Robert McKee, I’ve been teaching the story seminar 1983. Even if I’ve never sold a script, I know the structure, the rules, and how a good story can be told through my medium.”

He smirks at us. “I can tell that only one of you is into writing scripts, but I can assure you my teachings transcend mediums. By the time you’re done with me, you’ll know the importance of story. There’s a troubling trend recently of people downplaying the importance of plot and story in exchange for how a story makes you “feel”. Well if a story has a stupid plot and is poorly told, you’ll feel angry and cheated. The story is the mood, the plot is what makes you feel. You’ll learn how to do that with me today.”

I can’t believe it. I have to learn the basics of story again. I really have failed.

“Now… state your name and reason.”

…

The Stegosaur is the first to go up. Despite clearly NOT wanting to, more than me, Ben smiles and nods to her.

“M-My name is Stella LaCroix. A-And I write manga. I love anime of all kinds, and I want to write it…”

The Inkling visibly shakes her head. That’s right, Inklings despise Japanese culture.

…

Ben is up next.

“Yo. Ben Loc! I’m a recovering addict. I was addicted to sex, cocaine, alcohol, small-games gambling, high-stakes gambling, weed-

…

That one month I was hooked on meth, and jenkem. And I’m writing a memoir about my road to recovery.”

Everybody is silent. I knew he was crazy, but holy shit!

“Question!” The Inkling starts. “How are you not dead?”

“I… really don’t know.” Ben admits.

…

Next is The Tall Guy.

“I’m Tall Guy, I’m 7 feet 2… I wear these clothes because nothing else really fits. And I’m trying to be a screen writer.”

Stella instantly perks up angry at him. “HEY! You’re the asshole that wrote a pornographic fan fiction of me and my friends!”

“I ORPHANED IT!” The Tall Guy screams.

…

The Inkling is up.

“You should know me, but in seeing how this is human country, better explain it. I’m Sasha Kalamari, and I was the lead shootist of Killer Ink, the deserved champions of Splatfest 2020. I got cheated by a bunch of humans, and ever since I’ve been crafting my manifesto over it.” she states with significant pompousness.

“How frightening.” McKee mumbles.

…

My turn. My stupid is ass is on stage, ready to humiliate myself in front of my peers.

“I… I’m Melony Melone. And I’m the writer of The Melon and the Axolotl… and I finished up Two Piece.” I pathetically squeak out.

Ben smiles and nods, while Stella is staring at me… why is she staring at me?

“Melony? Two Piece writer and Axol-Chan’s muse?” she screams.

Muse? That’s what the world thinks of us?

“I wasn’t his muse.” I say.

“Of course not! You were more! His inspiration for the greatest romance in all of anime and manga came from you! You are his songbird!” Stella continues to fan. It’s not working.

“So you’re to blame for more of that garbage?” Sasha sarcastically mutters. “Great.”

“Hey, be nice.” The Tall Guy glares at her. “It’s their thing,”

“It’s a stupid thing,” Sasha says, trying to one-up the Tall Guy.

“Stupid is as stupid does.” He’s playing into it.

“You say that to make yourself feel good?”

Ok, those two want a fight.

“Ok Ms. LaCroix, you can force Ms Melone sign your autographs later, but for now. Time to learn how to write.” McKee states, pushing me off the stage.

I’m learning like a baby. A stupid dumb baby.

I should be home burying Axol Jr. I hope those bitches haven’t flushed him down the toilet.

FUCK! Meggy and FM are my friends, I can’t be thinking that! I can’t think that about my friends. I can’t…

I should pay attention to McKee.

…

“Beginnings are important as usual. A good story should attract somebody almost instantly. A slow burn should still entice somebody quickly. A boring beginning is a repellent to any audience you wish to entertain.” McKee states while pointing to a graph with a stick figure going on a journey.

The hero’s journey. I truly have gone back to basics. My luck. My life has gone down the shitter.

I can’t control my powers, I might as well go back to Omnia and learn it all again. If I have to do so with writing.

I look over at Ben. He’s still shaking in his seat. Did he drink more of that punch?

“Ben? Are you fine?” I ask him.

He gives me a thumbs up. It’s almost pathetic how not ok he looks.

He looks like me.

Below I can see Stella taking notes like a machine. She reminds me of a young me, before I let every tragedy, every set-back, and every stupid useless part of my being chew me and rip me apart. I feel pity for her.

I can tell Sasha and the Tall Guy hate each other. The two are sharing snide looks. Tall Guy’s ego must be paper thin now that McKee tore his asshole to shreds about his lack of writing results, and Sasha must still be the bigot Meggy said she was all those years ago.

Nearly 6 years, and she hasn’t changed a day. Now that is pathetic.

“You must set up your characters so your audience can see where they are. You want them to go anywhere, you must force them to be at square one. A protagonist cannot be on the move on page one. You can have a stagnant character if the story fits it, but you must learn about the bastard if you want to give a shit!”

…

“If your character is unhappy, then follow them as they try to change or double down! A character that is stagnant in self-loathing is a miserable time, and nobody wants to fucking watch it! Ok, half-hour for a drink.” McKee leaves his chair as all of us slowly rise from our seats.

“Sorry, I gotta do something for a sec!” Ben stutters while rushing from his seat. He’s sweating like a jogger in the desert.

Sasha flips The Tall Guy the bird. “What the hell did I do? Didn’t like your bigoted speech on the nature of being a human?” he whisper-scolds her.

“I would rather have a human fuck me than listen to your shitty scripts. You should’ve stuck to writing porn!” Sasha spits back.

Both seem like total assholes.

Why am I cursing to myself so much? When did I become such a jerk? When did I-

“Melony-kun?” Stella asks me. She kindly smiles and shows me the finale of Two Piece.

I sigh and sign it. “There.”

“I must say, your work kept me going. It inspires me to continue to write!”

How sad.

“Your work, and that cute book you made for kids, you are changing the world!”

Too innocent for her own good. She’s heading straight for a wall.

“If you can write that after Axol’s death, I can surely write after my wounds.”

What?

“What? You know?” I ask her.

“Of course… that’s what The Melon and the Axolotl is about. You moving on from Axol’s death.” The dino explains to me. “It took a while for me to figure out, until my dad told me what happened.”

I’m stunned. None of my “critics” or “analysts” even knew who Axol was. “So, you are a real fan?”

“I’ve been a fan of Axol’s for years. His death was… a tragedy. But you kept on writing. And I realized something. If you can write through tragedy, I can write even if I was bullied for it.” She happily states.

I’m stunned even more. She thinks I’m worthwhile?

“You’re my hero.” She smiles and returns to her seat to file her notes.

She’s a fool, she doesn’t know the real us.

I’m not listening to you.

You can ignore us all you want. But when she sees the real us, she’ll see us for the powerful God worth fearing.

Shut Up! Shut Up! Shut Up!

…

Ben’s eyes are dilating. He’s beginning to vegetate. He relapsed, didn’t he?

I can tell The Tall Guy got splatted with ink. His face is stained blue. Sasha didn’t get off easy either. A foot print is on her tentacles.

I can barely listen to McKee. The French-Canadian Stegosaur in the front row thinks I’m a hero. Can’t wait to let her down. Let her down like I did to Axol, and Meggy, and SMG4, and everybody-

“And if you want to use voice-over narration, you better be damn consistent." McKee states. “No inserting it half-way through, no changing perspectives to explain the plot. Narration can be wonderful when used properly, but if not. It can tell the audience, not show them.”

Melony remains quiet in her seat, pondering why she just heard that.

“Ok.” McKee says while standing up. “Hour for lunch.”

…

In the food court, Melony sits by with some sushi on her plate. Her negative thoughts still swim in her head. Unsure of anything, unsure of her writing, unsure of her life.

Stella and McKee remain in conversation together. A polite one to be sure.

Ben meanwhile is tripping balls in the corner. Yes, he did relapse.

Sasha and The Tall Guy are in a physical altercation in the back.

“You fucking bigoted squid! Kalamari is amazing and your name is a blight!”

“Well at least I’m not a flesh bag that can’t write a horror movie for retards!”

Melony rolls her eyes. She just wants to go home and hold the corpse of her pet. She’s tired of the assholes, the writing, and the mountain.

“Miss. Melone?” McKee approaches her. “How is it going?”

“Oh? Fine, I guess.” Melony lies to him.

“I’ll say, I’m a little shocked that a respected manga and comic writer attended one of my seminars. Most of them are screenwriters.” He chuckles. “But a first for everything I guess.”

“Yeah. I just… I’m stuck.” Melony admits. “I’m stuck, and I can’t write anymore.”

“Perfectionist after your lovely book?”

“Writer’s block. I’m tired, I’m bored, I can’t think anymore. It’s just…”

“Something every writer goes through.” McKee sympathetically tells her. “You’ve gone on quite a journey."

“Really?”

“Yes. Axol’s sacrifice, Omnia Academy, Nintendo’s Lawsuit, Puzzlevision.” McKee lists. “And your friends are all interesting people. Splatfest champion Meggy Spletzer-”

“She fucking cheated!” Sasha screams as she tackles The Tall Guy.

“Ingore those two, they’ve been fighting like babies all day.” McKee continues. “Tari… what’s her last name?”

“I don’t know. She’s never told us much about herself.” Melony admits.

“She’s a champion gamer. That’s interesting. You’ve lived quite the life, and you’re not even 30. Most writers would kill for just a fraction of that.” McKee states. “If you feel like you’re stuck, go into your life. Look there, there's plenty of stories.”

Melony thinks for a second before sighing. “I don’t even feel like writing anymore. I’ve listened to all the critics and analysts. I keep second guessing myself. I feel like everything I write is shit.”

Melony admits her peace to McKee. He thinks for a second.

He slowly points to Stella. “You see that Stegosaurus sitting there?”

Melony nods.

“Say yes.”

“Yes.”

“She came from a city on the Western Islands. That’s not even in the Mushroom Kingdom. She lives over 2,000 miles away. She traveled 15 hours by train to get here.” McKee states. “When I asked her about her biggest influences. You were among them. You’re humour, your heart, your tenacity… you wrote the pieces that changed her life. She was horribly bullied in school for liking anime and other nerdy things. But you made her love herself.”

Melony is almost in tears by this.

“She loves you, because of what you write. That is why we write.”

Melony manages to catch her breath. Her face has turned beat red. It’s about to be an emotional climax until…

“I ADMIT NOTHING!”

Everybody turns to Ben, even a bloodied and bruised Sasha and Tall Guy stop fighting.

Ben has coke all over his bloodied nose. His eyes are bloodshot. He hasn’t relapsed, he’s gone back to rock bottom!

“I DID NOTHING I DIDN’T WANT TO FUCKIN’ DO! I DID IT BECAUSE I HAD TO!”

“Benjamin! You’ve completely relapsed!” McKee scolds him.

“I did not! The punch was spiked by accident! It fell in, it jumped in, I saw it. I didn’t nothing do it!” Ben incoherently rambles.

“You spiked the punch at the party last night?” Melony asks, mortified.

“I was told to do it!” Ben laughs, having lost it completely once again. “The monster that used to rule this land that lives in hell told me to sing the songs of the sad bodies and the nerd boys to bring the word that it will return with the vengeance of a thousand superheroes and a thousand monkeys! When the police of the universe take the mystery girl and show her the way, only then will the kung fu gods return!”

Ben points towards Melony. His eyes are bleeding and his smile is so tight, his teeth break. “That will spell the end of the melon patch kids and bring forth the years of chaos! The years of fascist control over the silly billies and the crazy train will come to an end! I am the bringer of the world, and I will bring the future with a bang!”

Ben grabs one of Sasha’s ink bombs and fuck and chucks it THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF!

“NO!” The Inkling screams.

Ben laughs like the Joker as the ink bomb makes it to the top of the mountain. The white powder that covers it is already becoming too heavy.

BOOM!

The white powder shifts as it turns aquamarine. Eventually it begins sliding.

The sliding grows in power and size. It soon turns into an avalanche.

The avalanche speeds up. Despite it being thousands of miles away, the hotel has about 15 seconds before the avalanche reaches them.

Everybody slowly turns to a dancing Ben.

“You’re the devil.” McKee curses him.

SLAM!

SLAM!

Snow tears the convention hall apart in seconds.

Soon the entire ski resort, convention hall, and hotel are buried in the rushing snow.

Chunks of the building collapse and begin sliding across the snow.

…

Down at the bottom of the mountain, many of the hotel patrons of the convention hall are carted out of medical tents.

The TF2 Medic wipes his brow as he goes over his chart. “Vow! Zat was quite ze show ve had today! Luckily, ze drug effectz are down and vill zoon be ova’! Rest of ze day better be easy.”

BOOM!

The echoes of the avalanche destroying the DK Summit Hall echo to the bottom of the mountain.

Everybody but the Medic is horrified.

“Oh my Gosh!”

“Holy shit!”

“That’s a huge bitch!”

The Medic just grabs his hand warmers. “Gonna need these in a few.”

…

Back on the mountain, chunks of the hotel end up being the sled Melony needs to wade the waves of snow.

Her hands scrape against the cold concrete. Her kidneys go into overdrive with adrenaline. She breaks out into a violent sweat.

But she makes it on. She catches her breath as she looks around the mountain.

The avalanche will continue for another thousand miles before a large snow bank blocks it.

She and the others will have to wade it out…

Where are the others?

“HELP! HELP!”

Melony turns to see McKee clinging for dear life. She grabs hold of him, but struggles to lift him onto the slab.

“Melony…” He weakly growls.

“I’ve got you! I can save you! I can-”

CRACK!

Half the slap cracks and crumbles. The force causes Melony’s hand to slip. McKee sinks below the snow again.

“Melony!” he screams as he vanishes.

“No… NO!” Melony screams. She looks around. The Hotel and Convention Staff, Lost Skiers, and Patrons attempt to float on the snow.

Ben is swimming in the snow, laughing his ass off. “Under the sea! I drink my pea!” He sings to nobody.

The Tall Guy tries to get on the snow drift to float down. “I got this! I CAN DO THIS!”

A tree smashes into his groin. He loses his footing and sinks again.

Sasha is on fire. The snow is made of water. Water is acidic to Inklings. “IT BURNS! IT HURTS!”

Melony looks around desperately. Anybody else? Anybody surviving?

She catches a glimpse of Stella. She’s twitching as the cold all around her sets brumation into play. She passes out as she slinks into the snow.

In tears, Melony falls to her feet.

“I can’t save anybody. I can’t save anybody alone…”

Suddenly, Melony begins to float. Her eyes turn white as black lines begin to form in her skin.

“But we can save everybody together…”

Her clothes change. She goes from bright green clothes to dark green and silver ones. She’s no longer Melony Melone.

She is Fierce Deity Melony. Master of Magic, Bending of Matter, and Savior of the Universe

“One”

The avalanche gets closer and closer to the snow bank. Those who aren’t saved will be crushed or suffocated.

“Two”

The last remaining people gasp for air before the snow sucks them down again.

“A fucking go!”

Fierce Deity Melony jumps right into work. She sets off a sonic boom as she flies up. This causes a lot of top snow to fly off, revealing a lot of the people trapped.

When the Fierce Deity, Melony can fly faster than light and sound, it almost feels like the clock has stopped.

She would also rip somebody apart at this speed. So she goes slower than that just to safely grab a hand-full of people.

These include McKee and the Skiers.

…

At the mountain below, The Medic and the Media get ready for the bloodbath.

“Let’z prepare for ze worst!”

The Media smile, the blood should be bountiful.

Fierce Deity Melony then appears, safely placing the Skiers and McKee below.

“What the? Melony?” McKee screams.

The Fierce Deity turns to McKee.

“We are Melony”

The Deity flies off as McKee passes out. The Medic looks up at her.

“It’z ze Lord’s blessing! No fatalities!”

“Ah man!” The Media quickly departs, disappointed.

“I missed my daughter’s wedding for this.” One of the Leaches mutters.

…

The Deity continues her march through the avalanche. Saving anybody caught.

What would take rescue teams hours, she does in seconds.

…

The Tall Guy and Sasha wake up on the ground. Sasha’s still on fire. The Deity dries her off quickly.

“Thank God!”

“I’m not God”

The Deity flies off.

Sasha and The Tall Guy slowly return to glaring at each other.

Suddenly, Ben is dropped on a car. “I live bitches! Ben the Boob Boss will live to see another chapter! B E N! That spells Ben.”

The Tall Guy and Sasha turn to each other.

“Truce and kick his ass?”

“Fuck yeah!”

The two crack their knuckles. Ben stops partying.

“Oh poop.”

…

It’s been 10 seconds. Almost everybody has been saved. The Medic and his team have begun warming everybody up and treating their broken bones and bruises.

And the cops are prying The Giant and Inkling from the Addict Toad.

The Deity looks around. Just about everybody is there.

“I can’t find Stella!” Melony mutters.

“She’s cold blooded. We can’t track her heat.”

“But she’ll die.” Melony screams.

“We’re sorry, but we can’t save everybody. We couldn’t save Axol.”

The Fierce Deity begins to cry.

“We don’t cry. Why are you showing up? Not everybody can live.”

“I!”

The Deity loses power.

“WON’T!”

Melony begins to shine through.

“LET IT!”

A large flash of light explodes. Melony flies through the air and slams into the avalanche.

“STELLA!” Melony screams as she swims through the snow and ice.

She continues to trek through the increasingly speedy slide.

“STELLA!”

Melony begins to cry. She can’t lose her. She can’t lose Axol…

“Is this what this is about? Axol? One life, many moons ago?” The Deity asks her.

Melony continues to search.

“You think one life matters?”

“She who saves one life, saves them all!” Melony growls as she pounces through the snow.

“mel…on…y…” A weak voice calls from the ice.

Melony rushes to her. It’s Stella. Her green scales have turned blue. She’s going to freeze to death.

“why…me…”

Melony grabs onto her.

“Because, we have the powers of a God, and the heart of a watermelon. Together…”

Melony becomes the Deity again.

“We are powerful”

She flies out of the avalanche as the snow bank arrives…

BOOM!

…

From down below, snow flies across the sky.

Nobody below things either girl made it. McKee crumbles to his feet as The Medic salutes the two.

“Holy shit!” Sasha points up in the air.

The Fierce Deity holds onto Stella. She lets her get warmed by the sun and by her own body heat.

The golden rays of the sunshine mixed with the white of the snow cascades a pink glow across the two. Stella’s blue scales return to green as she begins to breathe again.

She looks up at Melony, her hero.

The Melon Deity smiles at her fan.

“Thank you.”

Stella doesn’t say anything. She just silently holds on as The Deity floats down to Earth.

Everybody watches in awe as the Manga Writer who became a Goddess brings the Dino Gal back to the ground. Both were believed to be dead.

Stella stumbles as she regains her footing. She’s alive again.

Nobody says a word to the Deity. Even when she returns to being just Melony, everybody is silent.

Melony catches her breath as she becomes ready to cry again. Instead of tears, she passes out.

Instantly, Stella, McKee, and The Medic catch her.

They slowly bring her to the ground to get some much needed sleep. She goes back to normal, happily sleeping in odd places.

All the survivors, cold, beaten, and bloody watch her. What she just did, changed their lives forever.

She saved all of them…

…

It was a day of sleeping before Melony returned home to the Mushroom Kingdom.

By bus, by herself.

Meggy sadly greeted her by her apartment.

“I’m so sorry Melony… I tried.”

The two friends hug.

“Don’t worry, I gave him a good life for the 4 years I had him.” Melony comforts, although she’s obviously comforting herself in the situation.

“You cut off, so I thought you hung up in anger!” Meggy cries, still worried over the previous conversation.

“Nope. My phone just blew up.” Melony happily explains.

“What? It just… did that?”

“Remember, God powers? I saved an entire convention, hotel, and ski lodger with it!” Melony explains, frustrated that people keep forgetting about her powers.

“Oh, right…” Meggy realizes. “It doesn’t feel like you use them a lot.”

“I just did.”

“Can’t even have a day off?” Meggy jokes, trying to use laughter to heal the wounds. “Sounds like a friend of ours.”

“Yeah…”

Meggy pauses for a second. “Hey, did you get over your writer’s block? That was kind of affecting you for a few weeks. Depresso, the castel rebuild. You were kind of in a funk.”

Melony sighs. “I still am. I’ve just been too tired to work on it. I’m probably gonna sleep again once I unpack.”

“Alrght. And uh, Axol Jr. I didn't know what to do, so I put him on ice and brought him to the pet cemetery.” Meggy says.

“Thank you, I’ll deal with that tomorrow.” Melony nods. She slowly approaches her apartment before Meggy hugs her.

“You’ll recover. I know you will. You’re the strongest of us all.” Meggy tells her friend.

Even if Melony doesn’t always agree, she likes when people tell her that.

…

With the unpacking done, there’s only one thing left to view.

Axol Jr’s empty cage.

Her beloved pet once lived there. Happily swimming and keeping her company as she worked on her projects. Her answer to the void Niles left in her life.

And now a new void has been left.

She hugs the terrarium, she couldn’t even say goodbye.

She slumps on her bed and begins throwing around all the notes she took. Story beats, ideas, plot structure.

Nothing matters to her without her friends in her life. It’s what Meggy said, just another day for her.

It’s all crap to her.

But something catches her eye. Something she didn’t put in her stuff.

A folded piece of paper with Stella’s name on it. Melony decides to open it up. Is it a note? Words of encouragement? Another fan thing?

Nope. It’s a drawing.

A beautiful art piece of Melony as the Fierce Deity. The colors of her in the sun covered in snow pop right off the page.

Despite being in Deity form, Melony is still drawn as herself. All her regular colors, no facial changes. It’s just her, but doing the things the Deity did.

Below is a note from Stella.

Superheroes are still heroes. A you are my hero.

That does it.

Melony bursts into tears. They roll down her cheek as she looks at the picture.

She who saves one, saves them all.

She smiles through the tears while looking at her painting.

She may not be ready to be a writer again anytime soon, but her fans will wait.

Because they will do something for her even when she forgets to.

Love their hero.

Chapter Text

One month. One whole entire not a day skipped month. 30 days to be exact.

That is how long it has been since SMG4 retired. Surreal to think about. Just a year prior, he was unstoppable. Constant work, constant memes, constant content. And now it’s over.

A burden for everybody, but everyone has mostly managed to move on.

Instead of spending their days at the castle, everybody has found new purposes in the Mushroom Kingdom.

Meggy is lawyer and crime-fighter full time, Melony continues to focus on her writer’s block, Tari and Belle are The Mushroom Kingdom’s pro-gamers, Boopkins and JubJub deliver goods for Mango twice a week, SMG3 runs the internet graveyard and his coffee and bombs shop, Saiko and Kaizo are now multi-platinum selling artists, Karen works her 100 years, Luigi works his 152 jobs, Swag and Chris still work for Mark in the military, Bob has all of his schemes, and SMG4 has found a new career and has kept the meme cycle alive.

Everybody has managed to find a new purpose. They still get together to mess around and play videos, but it’s more of a passing wave, small talk, or just a few people sort of deal.

That’s what adult friendships are sad to say, but everyone’s managed to get used to it.

Well… almost everybody.

…

Mairo bursts through the doors of the castle, a plate of spaghetti in one hand and a burning stick in the other.

“SMG4! I found something Mario can stick up his pingas!” He screams with his usual idiotic flair, hoping to incite a reaction.

The issue is, nobody’s there to incite a reaction out of. Castles empty, everybody’s at work.

“Mama Fucker!”

…

A thankfully slow day for SMG4. Instead of answering idiotic questions or dealing with system failures, he and Whimpu were looking to improve the company’s existing technology.

“I mean, it’ll be a lot of effort, but a multi-modem system might just be the future.” Whimpu ponders.

“It IS the future.” 4 proclaims. “I’ve done the math and estimates. 100% faster, 150% less crashes, safer on every angel. If we get our hands on liquid nitrogen capsules we can make a self-cooling system.”

“Well we better patent this so some greedy companies won’t try to sell it as the next big thing.” Whimpu states while typing on his computer.

“Like Hell they’d try to sell this to the public. You realize how expensive this would be?” 4 asks him. “Besides, mobiles are still the hot thing and the market is too easy to predict for that. Apple releases the same product every year for 5 years straight, and then they copy whatever Android did the past half-decade and make a shittier version of it that their cult of mindless drones will buy in mass!”

Whimpu raises an eyebrow. “Don’t like Apple much?”

“I prefer quality products, not a label.”

Suddenly, popping straight out of a system speaker on the wall, the Engie’s head pops out.

“YEEEEEEHAAAAAAW!”

Minion quickly rushes over, drenched in sweat and leans into the speaker. “YEAH? UH-HU… OK…”

She quickly smiles and turns to the guys. “Bad news guys, a crazed fat Italian in a red shirt just plowed past Engie and is heading our way.”

SMG4 and Whimpu aren’t afraid but annoyed. They know that crazy, fat, red Italian, they just don’t know what he wants.

“Great.” 4 sarcastically states.

BOOM!

Mario bursts through the door, sending the worker bees flying across the floor.

“SMGFOOOOOUUUUR!” Mario screams. “I’m bored.”

4 picks himself up, furious with Mario. “MARIO? The heck were you thinking? This entire room is worth more than the Galaxy Movie’s budget!”

“And will probably affect more people than it too!” Whimpu says, earning a stink eye from Mario.

“You mama fucka!” Mario glares at the weeb. 4 stops him from going any further.

“Mario, I need you to get lost! You can’t be here!” 4 says.

“Why not? The Princess isn’t in charge anymore and Toadsworth’s a pansy, Mario can do whatever I want!” Mario smugly states. This causes flames to appear in 4’s eyes.

He quickly grabs Mario by the throat and holds him up to his face. “Because I need this job to afford the castle and to fix all the bullshit you cause. Because if you fuck up this room, the internet across the ENTIRE Mushroom Kingdom goes down and the meme life cycle will go into disarray and cause the end of this universe. And because I’ll crucify you like Jesus if you don’t!”

Mario is silent. “HA! That speech doesn’t scare me, it’s the same one Karen, Meggy, Saiko, Bob, and Boopkins’s Monkee Boss said!”

“GET OUT!”

WACK!

Mario is thrown out of the building and lands on his ass on the street below.

“Get a hobby, other lazy friends, or a job! Preferably the last one! Everybody else has one! And those checks from Nintendo are NOT AN EXCUSE!” 4 screams before boarding up the hole in the wall.

Mario sadly looks up at the building before walking away.

…

In the city, Mario aimlessly mopes around, unsure of what to do.

“Get a job? I haven’t been a plumber in years…” He continues to stroll through the city, looking at his feet.

Even vendors selling food are unable to break his funk.

“What to do? What to do?” He mutters, ignoring Waluigi’s Taco Stand and a Spaghetti Dog Stand.

Both take notice.

“He didn’t raid us. Something must be wrong.” Waluigi worries.

“Let’s count our lucky stars today. If it’s like this tomorrow, we worry then.” The Spaghetti Guy says.

Mario continues to walk his way deeper and deeper into the busy streets.

He’s never been in a funk like this. Even while doing those shitty educational games in the early 90s and almost losing the console wars, he still had the N64 to look forward to. But now, he’s got nothing to worry about. The games sell constantly, the movies are making billions, and the spin-offs are reliable.

Now that he’s on top, he doesn’t have to fight for anything. It gets boring after a while.

Is that why his friends work? To find something interesting to do? No, it can’t be that. Him and Luigi are the only two remaining Nintendo characters. Everybody else is 7 degrees removed.

But everybody still has a lot to do. Jobs, families, lives. Even Luigi keeps busy with gardening and his jobs to pay for his damages.

“Maybe I do need to find something to do in my life.” he finally admits. “The pizza shop was a bust, and that was… mostly not my fault.”

That’s a lie, Marty wouldn’t have existed if Mario didn’t build him in the first place.

“What to do now that I can do anything?” Mario thinks. He looks up above and drops to his knees.”

“Give me a sign! What do I wanna do with my life?”

The answer came in the form of a man getting ready to jump from the tallest building in the Kingdom.

He’s not just any other jumper, but a guy in a superhero costume. A red suit with wings on. He puts on his goggles, ready to take flight.

This doesn’t go unnoticed from below.

“Holy shit! A jumper!” A TF2 Blue Scout screams.

A small crowd begins to surround the building. All wondering what’s happening.

“NO! DON’T JUMP!” The YouTuber Jackspecticeye says as he pulls out a video camera. “Ok, NOW JUMP!”

Mario notices and joins the crowd.

Hal Monitor jumps to the front and pulls out a bullhorn. “LISTEN SIR! SUICIDE IS VERY ILLEGAL!”

The Guy begins to mentally prepare himself for his jump.

“Oh My God…” A Woman says. “He’s a superhero!”

The Superhero takes a deep breath. “Showtime.”

He jumps off the building!

The crowd holds their breath as the Man adjusts himself to fall head first. He positions himself in the flight position.

He falls faster and faster, getting closer to the ground.

He expands his wings, ready for the wind to push his body up and let him take flight, signalling that the day of the costumed hero will finally take-

SLAM!

Of course he slams into the ground and dies! Nobody can fly without real wings! His wings were three inches thick and made of plastic! He turns into a pile of gore and splatters blood across the onlookers.

“Oh man, my mouth was open!”

“Wow…” Jack says. “My nipples are so fucking hard!”

Jack rushes home with his tape while Hal Monitor follows. “HEY! What I know you are going to do is very ILLEGAL! And fucking weird!”

As sirens sound, the crowd disperses. Some are disgusted, others are horrified, but most are disappointed. The days of superheroes is not upon them.

But only one is inspired.

Mario is hatching an idea. His nose grows and his eyes spin.

“OOOOH! Mario’s pingas just had an idea!” Mario jumps onto the bloody corpse and professes his “pingas’s” idea.

“I AM GOING TO BE… A SUPERHERO!” He screams, failing to see the ambulance speeding towards him.

“Watch out fatass!”

The ambulance hits Mario.

KICK-ASS

…

Having instantly ran home, Mario gets straight to work.

After doodling, Mario has developed the ultimate superhero costume. A green, yellow, and black spandex uniform.

“It’s a perfect! WA-HOO!” Mario couldn’t be prouder of his design. The only thing now is materials…

Where to find materials…

Where to find yellow, black, and green clothes…

LUIGI!

In his brother’s uniform closet, Mario found a good 7 dozen green shirts and black and yellow uniforms. His brother’s many many jobs require him to have many many uniforms.

“He won’t notice a few missing.”

Despite what you may think, Mario only takes 5 of them.

Using YouTube tutorials and children’s safety scissors, Mario begins his shitty-rigged tailoring skills.

Odd cuts, bad lines, and poor sewing skills mean nothing to him when he can just Flex Glue* it all together into a total suit.

“Super Mario is a no more…

In this day and age of evil villains, a new type of hero must rise.

Call me… KICK-ASS!”

Mario poses in his new costume. Despite looking like a giant dork, Mario stands proud in his new suit and identity.

“This mask conceals who I am, protects my identity,

For where there is danger to happen against my friends and family, this mask lets the evil go to Kick-”

“GODDAMMIT MARIO!” Luigi screams at his brother. “You cut holes into a bunch of my uniforms!”

Ok I lied, he cut up about 20 or 30 of them.

Mario just turns to his brother and squints at him. “Get off my plane.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Luigi asks, genuinely confused.

Mario pulls out a cattle prod and strikes it. Red electricity sparks from it.

“Is that a cattle prod?” Luigi screams.

“Time to trash the take-out!” Mario growls, mistaking Kick-Ass for Batman. He tries to pull a flip trick with the prod, only to shock himself directly in the testicles.

“PINGAS!” Mario screams as he’s thrown into the wall.

Luigi just sighs at him before leaving. “I… I don’t need this today. I just don’t, I don’t need whatever this is.”

Mario continues to grunt in pain while stuck in the wall.

“ugh…. Roadhouse!”

…

TRAINING DAY

With a costume and superhero identity ready, Mario… erm Kick-Ass begins what all vigilantes and superheroes must do in order to defeat any villains or save anyone.

Get your ass into shape!

Despite Mario being allergic to exercise, no seriously he is, he tries his best to get fit.

In an abandoned parking garage, Mario set up his makeshift gym.

PUSH-UPS

Mario’s too fat to even lift himself off the ground. Hell his stomach is bigger than his arms!

“Mama Fucka!”

SIT-UPS

Same shit different story.

PULL-UPS

Mario attempts to use a bar stuck on the wall to lift himself up.

“Come on!” he growls as he begins lifting himself an inch off the ground.

“I’m doing it! I’m doing it!”

The building begins to crack and crumble from Mario’s weight.

CRASH!

The entire fucking building collapses.

“SHIT!”

BUILDING JUMP

Mario or Kick… you know what, FUCK IT! I’m calling him Mario.

“But, my secret identity?” Mario asks the Narrator.

“The title of the chapter is Kick-Ass Mario, I know who you are!” The Narrator responds. “And stop interrupting me when I’m working! Did I interrupt your schedule for Super Mario Wonder and knock the shit out of your mouth?”

“Dick”

BUILDING JUMP, take two

Without interruption, Mario gets ready to jump from the tallest building in the Mushroom Kingdom to the second tallest.

A 750 foot building to a 672 foot building. From the stock trading center, to the court house.

No biggie.

“I can do this!” Mario assures himself. “I was known as Jumpman for a hot second, I still got this.”

With a running start, Mario begins to rush to the edge of the 750 foot building. The wind at his back, the sun shining down on him, he has all the momentum in the world.

“It’s a me, KICK-ASS!”

BOING!

Mario leaps from the building and begins flying through the air towards the court house.

He might actually make it.

However, half-way there he stops mid-air and realizes something.

“I’m not a video game character anymore.”

He loses all momentum and falls right into the dumpster below.

WHAM!

“my ass…” Mario grumbles. “I think I’m done training.”

The fact that this fat bastard hasn’t died yet is one of God’s best jokes

…

The city, 2.5 million souls. The Mushroom Kingdom has always been a chaotic place, but since the Princess fell into the pit and memes went rampant, everything’s been unusually crazier.

Sure, the police and military are still there, but Toadsworth’s lackluster leadership skills were the exact opposite of Peach’s iron fist. This encouraged crime and bad behavior to go rampant.

Who would bring back law and order to the anarchy and restlessness? Who will be the hero?

Mario perches on top of a car, brooding as he waits for his call to action.

“I am the bringer of justice to the wild west of this city. I am the eater of food at the all-you-can-eat buffet. I am the unskippable 15 second ad in the middle of your favorite song on YouTube. I am the traffic light that catches you going 55 in the school zone. I am the missing stamp in your stamp collection. I AM-”

“YO!” A Red Scout glares at Mario. “You on my freakin’ car man!”

Mario’s weight then dent the roof inward, shattering the windows and windshield, popping the tires, and destroying the engine.

“All in the name of justice!” Mario foolishly boasts as the Scout hits him with a baseball bat.

“DOINK!”

…

With ice on his head, Mario stumbles around, looking for action.

“Come on! I want to see some crime happening!” He screams impatiently. “What kind of a superhero would I be without crime to stop?”

“HELP! HELP!” A high-pitched voice screams.

The screamer, local fungi and boy scout leader Shroomy, runs down the street. “Armed robbers in the Far Far Away Bucks! Help!”

Mario’s nose grows. “Kick-Ass.”

…

In the coffee shop, an armed robber points his shotgun up to Karen, who couldn’t be damned to give a single expression outside of boredom.

“Come on! Give me the cash, and I’ll let you keep some of your nine lives!”

The bored barista just rolls her eyes. “Sorry dude, we don’t carry cash anymore. Card only.”

“WHAT? CARD ONLY?” The Robber screams.

“Yeah…” Karen purrs, filing her claws. “It’s a cashless society now. This allows for the federal reserve and banking groups to inflate our money without us noticing so when the economy inevitably collapses when oil runs out and the AI bubble bursts, they won’t have to-”

The Robber sticks the shotgun under her chin. “Don’t give a fuck about that! I just want two hundred dollars! And I don’t care if it’s from the store, your wallet, or your kidneys!”

Karen smirks at him. “Do you know who you’re messing with?”

“Try me bitch!”

“I’m a cat.”

SLAM!

Much to the Robber’s and Karen’s shock, Mario bursts through the door

“Here I come to save the day!” Mario sings as he poses in the doorway.

Neither criminal nor civilian is impressed.

“Is it June?” The Robber asks.

“January.” Karen responds.

“Then the Gay Pride Parade must have come early.” The Robber snickers. Despite being queer herself, Karen chuckles at the slight.

“I am Kick-Ass! The bestest superhero in the Mushroom Kingdom!” Mario proclaims.

“Mario, what the hell are ya’ wearing?” Karen asks him.

“My identity concealing costume!” Mario responds. “It keeps my true self hidden from villains.”

“Those are ya’ brother’s uniforms. I’ve seen those colors and textiles before.” Karen states, not playing along with the superhero bullshit. “And it seems you don’t know how to sew because I can see the globs of glue on your sides!”

“I USED FLEX GLUE AND NOW I CAN’T TAKE IT OFF! Happy?!” Mario snaps at her.

“Never am.”

Mario sighs and turns to the Robber. “Alright villain, time to meet your maker!”

With a swing of the cattle prod, he does… minimum damage to him.

“Was that supposed to hurt?”

“What? But it hurt…” Mario checks the cattle prod. Out of battery.

“Mama-”

BANG! The Robber shoots Mario in the groin, sending him into the wall.

He turns the gun onto Karen. “Wanna die bitch?”

Karen, without much movement, bends the barrel of the shotgun down.

The Robber’s eyes bulge out as he stares at his destroyed weapon. “What?”

Karen smirks and extends her claws. “Yeah… turns out this kitty’s got more than just claws.”

To make matters worse for the Robber, Hal Monitor and Meggy show up.

“Hello sir, have you been ILLEGAL today?”

“Oh shit…”

Hal grabs the Robber by the legs and drags him out of the store. “NO! NO! I WANT TO LIVE!” The Robber screams.

“I WANT TO LIVE!” He screams before being taken away. Meggy meanwhile, turns her attention to Mario.

“Red… what the hell is wrong with you?” She unsympathetically says.

Mario slowly turns to her. “What?”

“What’s wrong with you? Is this my fault? Is it something I did?” She continues. “Is this because of me? Is this because I’m a crime fighter? Because I’m a lawyer, I assist the police? Is this because of what I do? Because this is NOT what I do Red!”

She grabs Mario and begins shaking him around like a rag doll. “This is not what I fucking do! I do not go into armed robbers and beat people up with sticks!”

“Cattle prod.” Karen says while cleaning the mess.

“Cattle prods!” Meggy corrects. “And I especially do not dress up in stupid costumes glued together! What you are doing is NOT HOW IT’S DONE! Do you understand? Say, Yes Meggy, I Understand!”

“But I just wanna do something important!” Mario pleads.

“Yes Meggy, I… what?” Meggy stops herself.

“I wanna do something great!” Mario cries.

“But… you already have.” Meggy says, dropping her angry tone. “You’ve saved the world and universe enough times to make 14 years of YouTube interesting. What else is there?”

“That’s just it!” Mario explains. “Now that 4’s work is done and all the villains are gone, what else is there for Mario to do? I’ve been eating spaghetti and loafing around the castle for a whole month!”

“You did that before!”

“It’s different now! I’ve got nothing else! 4’s got his job, 3 has all his shit! Luigi, Bob, even Boopkins all have lives. And then there’s me, just doing the same thing day after day. I eat spaghetti, do stupid things, and now there’s nobody to react to it… life’s boring now.” Mario sadly slumps over. “I just don’t want to be boring.”

“Red… I can assure with my life you are the exact fucking opposite of boring.” Meggy tells her best friend. “If you wanted to work in crime fighting, you could have just asked. I have a police scanner and everything, you could join me for a ride-along.”

“OOO! I LIKE THAT ONE!” Mario happily laughs and claps.

Meggy sighs. She’s gonna regret this ain’t she?

…

In the back of a police car, NOT in cuffs for a change, Mario sits impatient as Meggy sips some tea.

“This is boring! I preferred standing on people’s cars and looking for trouble!” Mario groans.

“Well then that’s a good thing.” Meggy happily states. “Action means people are in trouble, no action means nobody’s in trouble.”

“Then why bother?!”

“The end goal of a superhero is to hope one day there is no use for them.” Meggy responds.

“What are you saying?” Mario asks, missing the point.

“If you keep asking questions, I will use that Flex Glue and turn you into a mute.” Meggy threatens.

Mario shuts up.

Another pause allows Meggy to finish her tea.

“Things are sure interesting now that 4’s retired. The city’s kind of calmed down.” Meggy observers.

“It’s gotten boring.” Mario pouts.

“Yeah, being bored can be a good thing.” Meggy says, trying to relax. Although something about this conversation is getting to her.

“But Mario loves action! Adventure! Fighting those baddies, seeing strange new worlds! Loving every second of it!” Mario reminisces.

“And all the danger it puts us and our friends in?” Meggy says.

“We all lived.”

“Not Desti!” Meggy snaps, turning the air cold as ice and thicker than rubber. “Not Axol, or Greg? It took Puzzles and WPNZ died in order to redeem themselves, that’s not how it works.”

Mario tries to say something, Meggy bends the car’s bars and covers his mouth.

“I miss being an inkling every once and a blue moon! Nobody back home wants anything to do with me. My accomplishments, saving their entire race, nothing to them… NOTHING! I’m just the red-headed flesh girl that stole Splatfest from that stupid Sasha Kalamari. For you, those adventures were the glory days, but for me… it was the source of my nightmares.” Meggy catches her breath, preventing her from breaking down into tears. “Years of therapy have gotten me to mostly recover… but even then. I’ll never miss those adventures.”

Silence again. Mario, feeling guilty, is the first to break it.

“Sorry.”

“I am too. I can’t snap at everybody over the bad stuff that’s happened to me.” Meggy admits.

BEEP BEEP! A loud noise comes from the radio. Meggy answers it. “Megan Spletzer, what’s the call?”

“Armed robbery at 75 Onett Way, Eagleland Village.” The dispatcher says.

Meggy is confused by this. “Why are we getting a call for that? That’s out of our precinct.”

“It was requested.”

“Why?”

Mario for once, has the realization first. It’s not a good one. “Woomy… that’s where Tari lives.”

Speed laws were then broken en masse.

…

Tari’s house. A nice little apartment that holds her and her interests at bay, and it’s just been broken into by the Teletubbies.

Tari meanwhile, is hiding in her closet from them.

“Gamer Girl!” Po screams. “Come on out, we just want your arm!”

“Yeah! Black Market price for a meta runner arm is 50 grand right now!” Tinky Winky adds.

Tari continues to hide and cry out of sight. “Come on Clench!” she whispers to her arm. “I know you’ve been off-line for a while now, can you please come back to fight them? Please!”

The closet is opened. Dipsy is there with a shotgun, “Sup?”

…

Meggy blasts down the road and into Eagleland. Her hands are tearing the leather off the wheel.

“You hide around the back and don’t come in until I say so Red.” Meggy growls. “If you fuck this up!”

“I won’t.” Mario assures her. “Even my stupidity has limits.”

Tari’s house will be coming up in 10, 9, 8, 7-

…

Tari is dragged from her closet as Po readies his ax. “Meta Runner in Eagleland, what a joke.”

“I don’t know what a Meta Runner is!” Tari cries.

“Bullshit! You are one! A gamer who chops off their arm to replace it with a robot arm to win better at video games!” Po scolds her.

“I don’t remember anything!” she yells back. “My arm, my life, my parents and home. I’m… I’m just a nobody.”

“Well isn’t that sad, nobody will be there to mourn you.” Po coldly remarks. “Ok, time for my impression of a Civil War amputation!”

He lifts the ax up.

“NO!”

WHOOP! WHOOP! The Tubbies stop and look out the window. It’s Meggy’s cop car, the lights are on.

“Laa-Laa!” Laa-Laa growls before aiming their AK-47 at the cop.

A barrage of bullets from the weapon turns the car into rubble.

“There’s nobody in there!” Laa-Laa yells upset.

“The cops are in the building!” Po realizes. “Split up and kill the cops.”

…

In the building near the stairs that lead to Tari’s apartment, Meggy silently rushes up the stairs.

“Lockdown in progress!” Her radio suddenly shouts. She quickly silences it.

“Shit…”

She continues to run towards Tari’s door.

With her gun in hand, she gets ready to bust the door down.

The door knob begins to jiggle.

Meggy slowly backs away.

Tinky Winky exits the apartment, looking around for her.

“La, la la… lalala…” Tinky sings the Teletubbies theme as they look around.

Meggy is sweating bullets. She’s not at an advantage.

She looks over to the door, it’s still open. She can sneak in.

She fails to see Tinky Winky staring at her in time.

“Hi…”

Meggy says nothing. Her face drops. Shit.

WHAM! Tinky Winky tackles Meggy through the wall and into the apartment.

…

Outside the apartment, Mario is trying to climb up the fire escape. The key word is try.

“Come on! Come on! I can do this!” Mario says while being unable to do this. “Dammit Whoomy, why couldn’t I take the stairs?”

Laa-Laa jumps out of the back door on the ground.

“Mary had a Little Lamb!” The Yellow Monster screams. “Hey? Where’s the cops?”

“I think I can! I think I can! I think… I’m gonna shit my pants!” Mario gasps. He hasn’t even climbed 10 feet off the ground.

Mario loses his grip and falls into the dumpster. His cattle prod falls on the ground next to Laa-Laa.

“Mama fucka!”

The Tubby laughs at Mario’s misery and locks the dumpster shut. She takes the cattle prod and goes back inside.

…

Meggy isn’t fairing much better. She’s currently fighting off Tinky Winky, and losing.

“Come on you screened plush toy, show me what you’ve got.” Meggy growls.

Tinky responds by hitting her over the chair with a chair.

“That’s good…”

“Come on! Shoot her!” Po screams as Tipsy tries to get a shot at her.

Meggy throws Tinky at Tipsy before looking over at Tari’s tv set.

“Hey Tari, you like that TV?”

“Yeah.”

Meggy grabs the TV and smashes it against the charging Tispy and Tinky Winky. She plugs it in. The TV explodes and sends the Tubbies into the walls.

Tari isn’t too impressed.

“Sorry.”

Suddenly, electric shock waves rock Meggy’s body. She collapses to the ground. She spasms in pain as her nerves shoot her body into temporary paralysis.

Laa-Laa used Mario’s prod on her.

“Good shit!” Po laughs. “I was worried for a second.”

Tari’s eyes explode into tears. “MEGGY!”

Meggy is unable to move or speak. The first thing her mind thinks, Why did Red pick this weapon again?

…

In the dumpster, Mario bangs on the wall and lid. “Let me out! I’m not garbage! Come on!”

Nothing.

More futile banging, and Mario’s already tired. Too damn big.

“I can’t… I can’t do this.” Mario sadly admits. His defeat is surrounded by garbage.

“I am garbage.”

…

Tinky Winky lifts Meggy up by the hair. “Kill her?”

“No.” Po starts. “I’ll make her watch us dismember her friend. Like we’re in those cartel vids.”

“Please don’t!” Tari begs.

“Come on, you’ve gotta have better last words than that. Weak sauce!” Po mocks her.

Tari struggles some more, but Tipsy holds her tight.

“Tari…” Meggy gasps.

Tears in her eyes, Tari sighs. “Alright I admit it! I’ve always had a thing for Saiko! I’ve always liked her, and not just like-like her! I’ve always loved her tenacity, her slow but growing loyalness to her friends, her heart, and her style! She’s a total badass, and makes a nerd like me feel cool just for knowing her name!”

Meggy begins to tear up. This really must be it then…

“Aw, how pathetic.” Po cruelly mocks.

“And I’ve always thought she had a great ass!” Tari continues. “It looks so big and thiccc and I wouldn’t care if I broke my hand slapping it like a bongo drum! It looks scrumdiddlyumptious!”

“What the fuck?”

…

Mario continues to wallow in self-misery in the trash.

Nothing could break him out.

“Fatass…” SMG4’s voice rings in his ears. He tries to ignore it.

“Fucking moron!” Saiko yells. It’s hard to ignore that.

“You useless sack of shit! Goddammit Mario! You fat piece of crap! ThE dAy YoU dIe Of A hEaRt AtTaCk WiLl Be OnE oF rEjOiCiNg! I fucking hate you!”

The yells and put-downs of his friends get louder and louder in his head. It’s hard to ignore.

“Red,  this is why I hate you!”

That’s the one. Mario begins bashing against the dumpster again. He slowly begins denting and breaking it.

“I am not a fatass!”

WHAM! The lock begins to undo itself.

“Or a MORON!”

WHAM! The Dumpster lid cracks up.

“OR KICK-ASS!”

WHAM! The wall of the dumpster begins to crack apart completely.

“I AM SUPER MARIO!”

WHAM!

Mario’s punch is so hard, it blows the dumpster up, sending him flying into Tari’s apartment!

“WAAAAAAAAAAA-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

CRASH!

The Teletubbies, Tari, and Meggy turn to see Mario, with red electricity zapping from his skin, flying into the room.

“MAMA FUCK YOU!” He screams, pointing his fist at Tipsy.

“Oh shit-”

BAP!

Tipsy is punched out of the room and goes flying away, probably to the nearest ocean.

“WHO WANTS SOME?!” Mario screams.

Tinky Winky drops Meggy and begins walking away. “Fuck this shit I-”

Mario instantly ground pounds the purple one into the dirt.

“Thanks for the volunteer!”

Meggy turns to Laa-Laa, who has dropped the prod.

She grabs it and shocks the bastard. “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT COCKSUCKER?”

She begins shocking the shit out of Laa-Laa.

“YEAH BABY!” She screams, her face red and her eyes crazy.

“YEAH WHOOMY!” Mario adds on.

“GUYS!” Tari screams. Po has dragged her out into the streets. He hijacks a truck with a ladder on the roof and speeds away.

“TARI! Red, we gotta stop him!” Meggy screams. Mario thinks for a second before he has another idea.

“Mario’s got an idea!” He says.

“Dangerous.” Meggy quips before Mario grabs her.

“FLY WHOOMY! FLY!”

Mario launches Meggy at the truck.

“RED!”

In the truck, Po speeds down the road as Tari hides in the seat next to him.

“Fucking cops and superheroes! I hate this place!” Po growls.

“Let me go! You’ve lost!” Tari growls at him.

“Another word and I’m chopping your voice box out!”

CRASH!

Meggy crashes into the truck and tackles Po.

The two fight, turning the car into an unstable machine that is going to crash.

“Guys! GUYS!” Tari tries to warn them, but she’s unheard over a flurry of punches and slaps.

Eventually Po manages to grab Meggy by the throat and begins to strangle her.

“One Mississippi… TWO Mississippi!” he growls as Meggy turns pale.

“NO!” Tari screams, punching Po in the face. This doesn’t do much.

Other than distract them from the parked car they’re about to crash into.

“AAA!” Po and Tari scream. Meggy grabs the Gamer Girl and the two hide under the backseats.

SMASH!

The truck crashes, the ladder goes flying into the air, far from view.

Po is ejected from the vehicle. He thuds against the street.

“Ow…” He mutters as Mario slowly walks to him.

“I’ve got a present for you sunshine… MY ASS!” Mario slams his ass against Po, turning him into a pancake.

Meggy and Tari exit the truck, shell-shock but fine. “Holy shit, that was awesome!” Tari screams. “Maybe it’s the adrenaline… but let’s do that again!”

“NOT AGAIN!” Meggy corrects her friend. “I’m just glad you’re safe!”

Tari hugs Meggy. “I’m glad you came!”

“Aw yeah! M&M, saving the day!” Mario cheers.

“M&M? Holy shit, that’s kinda clever Red.” Meggy laughs.

“Those bullies were so mean, they tore up my house and ruined my duck collection!” Tari growls.

“But we’re all safe, and we can fix it now. Right Red?”

Mario gives her a thumbs up.

“But first thing Tari,” Meggy says, smirking to her friend. “Saiko huh?”

Tari’s face turns red. “Is this a good time to tell you I’m the secret admirer?”

“It makes more sense now.” Meggy admits. “Am I the first?”

“No, Luigi.” Tari says. “I just have a little crush on her.”

“You called her ass scrumdiddlyumptious.” Meggy says, earning a pog-face reaction out of Mario.

Tari’s face turns beet-red. “Ok it’s more than that! Just don’t tell her, I’m not ready!”

“Well you’re gonna have to be ready, but we’ll help you, right Mario?” Meggy says.

“Hell yes!” Mario says. “But first, time to get out of this costume.”

Mario tries to peel himself out, only for…

RIP!

Glue meets skin.

Mario begins screaming in horrid pain. Meggy and Tari stare at him.

“We can finish this at the hospital.” Meggy says as she begins to drag Mario.

…

The ladder continues to fly through the air. Spinning and turning, wherever it lands, it’s far far away.

It lands in the Hell Pit.

The pit where the Castle was, where Peach went missing, where Puzzle’s demonic powers infected our heroes the first time. The beginning of the end for the main series.

The ladder seemingly falls into the pit, out of sight and out of mind. Far Far Away…

…

Ok I lied again, the ladder slowly slams back on the edge of the pit. Somebody put it there.

The ladder begins to jiggle. Somebody is trying to get out…

“RAAAAAH!” The Wrath-Infected Monster known as Princess Peach has escaped the pit! Screaming and growling, she snarls as she finally flees the hellish goo she laid in for years.

“FOUR!” She screams, looking for her violent revenge on SMG4.

Chapter Text

PREVIOUSLY, ON SMG4: And the some

…

“FOUR!” The ferocious monster Peach turned into screams into the high Heavens. Despite being insane, despite having been transformed into a creature, she’s still aware of who was responsible for her current being.

“FOUR!” She bellows against as her 6 legs begin marching her newly arachnid body across the land.

No matter how long it’s gonna take her, no matter how far she will go, no matter who gets in her way intentionally or not, she is going to get her blunt and violent revenge.

ZAP!

Well she was until enough electricity to kill an Elephant zaps her down, paralyzing her temporarily.

Professor E. Gadd, the Mushroom Kingdom’s resident scientist and gizmo guy, holds a stun gun modelled after an elephant gun.

“By George, it worked! I didn’t even need to do a test run!” The Doctor daintily declares.

Hiding behind a red mushroom is Commanding Sergeant Mark.

Mark is clearly on the verge of pissing his pants in fear as his legs uncontrollably jiggle. “You didn’t test run it?”

“Sometimes, patience isn’t a virtue that is given in the realm of scientific discovery!” E. Gadd explains while examining Peach’s monstrous form. “Sometimes, you just gotta go for it!”

Mark isn’t sold. “She could have killed us! Look at her, she’s a monster right now!”

The Professor chortles while cleaning his glasses. “And she wasn’t before?”

This wakes up Peach again.

“RAAA!”

Pissed, she tries to flail at E. Gadd, who rushes from her in a panic.

Mark, screaming like a little girl, grabs the elephant zapper and hits her again. Despite only being half as powerful, it’s enough to keep her still.

“By the name of Tesla himself…” Gadd gasps for air.

Mark begins pointing at Peach. “Guys, tie her… tie her up and put her on a drip.”

A bunch of soldiers wearing covert black uniforms step out of the bushes and mushrooms and begin tying Peach up. A Blue Medic places her on a sedative.

“Emesis Diazepam Blue.” The Blue Medic remarks. “Enough to keep even ze most shell shocked soldier in za Dust War out cold.”

Mark directly a large tanker truck towards the scene. Despite it being military grade, it’s cleverly disguised as a cold food truck.

“Get the Princess back to the Cartoonishly Secret Base in the middle of the desert. We’ve got a lot of work ahead of us!” Mark directly as E. Gadd puts away his weapon.

“I am not one to judge much morally. I am only interested in the science aspects of most things in life.” The Professor admits. “However, I am interested in meeting the surgeons who you’ve chosen to restore the Princess.”

Mark smirks to the Professor as he helps place the monster in the truck. “Oh those guys? Just some old friends I knew back when I worked as an office crony. But these guys are the shit! They once took a pair of twin newborns, one with a cleft lip and the other with crab claw flesh patches; they took the unneeded flesh from the crab claws and fixed the cleft lip!”

E. Gadd shares Mark’s enthusiasm quickly. “Astonishing. I must see them at work!”

“Then come with me to Base 9, I have a LOT to tell you there doc.”

…

BASE NINE

More covert than Area 51. Not even Chris and Swag can get in here. It’s only used by Mark, his cronies, and their associates.

“It pays to be in charge of the military, doesn’t it?” Mark professes while he and E. Gadd overlook the base by helicopter.

A large office building in the middle of the desert, surrounded by brick walls, barbed wires, and hundreds of armed guards.

“Amazing!” E. Gadd states with awe. “This one building alone conducts 85% of the military’s science projects?”

“Well it isn’t just the building. The past 10 square miles have all been a part of Base 9!” Mark explains. “All this desert and nothing better to do. Why not blow shit up?”

Peach’s monstrous form is slowly unpacked into the building through the front end. Guards have covered the entire entrance in black canopy tents.

This search and rescue has been planned for months.

…

Inside, E. Gadd and Mark journey through pure white hallways littered with Scientists, Soldiers, and Janitors. This isn’t just Mark’s secret club, it’s on military payroll.

“Now I must admit to you doctor, before we go forward, a few things of this operation were done without standard procedures.” Mark explains.

“What do you mean?” E. Gadd asks, raising an eyebrow.

Mark pauses before getting an explanation ready. “You see, nobody but me is in charge of this project. I didn’t tell Swag or Chris because those two chuckle-fucks couldn’t get a pickle out of a jar! I didn’t tell Toadsworth because this is sort of the ending of his job.”

“This wasn’t a rescue mission?” E. Gadd asks, confused.

“Not a proper one.” Mark says. “You see, after the pit formed, we set up trap cameras around the pit to trace anyone trying to get or out, mainly because it was an act of biogenic terrorism. When that… foreign object landed and allowed Peach to escape, we were ready after 5 minutes.”

“Sort of a last minute deal?” E. Gadd asks.

“Yeah, something like that.” Mark nods

“I will admit, hearing you got outside surgeons interested me, in seeing how The Red Medic and I are the only professional doctors in the Kingdom.” E. Gadd says while viewing the medic room from a window. Inside, Nurses prep the operating table.

“I hear Mario’s a doctor.” Mark jokes.

“Mario is lucky he doesn’t see a doctor more often with his rampant stupidity!” E. Gadd states, cross. “It’s him being a meme avatar, he’s mostly immortal.

But these outside doctors… The Blue Medic, these Surgeons?” E. Gadd asks.

“Just some friends from old jobs and places.” Mark says. “I’m not gonna say more, mainly because you’ve gotten further in my building than any other civilian. Just treat it as a viewing experience.”

“Ok!”

Mark looks around anxiously. He’s waiting for the Surgeons. His hands twitch and he begins to sweat. “In just a few hours, The Princess will be back to normal and the Mushroom Kingdom’s power imbalance will be corrected.”

“Hey…” E. Gadd starts. “Didn’t SMG4 just do a video about Peach getting rescued and returning to nor-”

“SHUT UP! THIS FAN FICTION IS NON-CANON!” Mark screams, silencing E. Gadd and gaining the attention of the Guards, Nurses, and Scientists.

Mark gathers himself before entering another room. “Drinks? Popcorn?”

…

E. Gadd and Mark have treated themselves to candy, popcorn, and soda while in the theater room of the operation.

From the main door, the Nurses wheel in a heavily sedated Monster Peach on the table.

Following the caravan are two doctors in white uniforms. Both look more like male models than surgeons, but they are.

They are Dr. Nip and Dr. Tuck.

“Yo Marky Mark! You weren’t fuckin’ kiddin’ man! Holy shit!” Nip screams through the theater’s P.A. while looking at the Monster.

“If any of our overtime checks bounce you’re a dead mother fucker!” Tuck threatens.

“I’ve known these guys for years. They’re magicians in the field of plastic surgery.” Mark says.

E. Gadd is a bit puzzled. “Plastic what?”

Nip begins playing some music. It’s “PAINT IT BLACK” by The Rolling Stones.

The drums kick in and the Surgeons get to quick work. They begin cutting off the Hell-Rocks embedded on Peach’s skin. When off, they leave cauterized 3 inch craters into her flesh.

I see a red door, and I want it painted black.

Tuck begins sucking demonic goop out of Peach’s head with a sharpened vacuum. Her head begins to shrink quite graphically.

No colors anymore, I want them to turn black!

Nip meanwhile begins cutting open Peach’s HEAD. He starts restructuring the skull so the brain doesn’t either fall out or get crushed.

E. Gadd is shocked by the violent and quick surgery. He’s done a lot of crazy experiments, but nothing THIS violent to the human body.

I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes!

I have to turn my head until my darkness goes!

E. Gadd gags as Nip begins cutting off the extra legs. Mark even grimaces a bit.

“Picked a bad day to eat a full breakfast.” Mark mutters.

“You’re gonna stay for all this?” E. Gadd asks. “What about the kingdom?”

“I hardly ever go there anymore.” Mark waves away. “And besides, it’s Candy-Ass Toadsworth and the Shit-Spackle Twins. Nothing’s gonna happen that they can’t deal with without me. A waste of my talents!”

…

Back at the town hall of the Mushroom Kingdom, mayor Toadsworth, an elderly toad in a brown uniform with grey facials, meets with Swag and Chris.

“You called our sexy necessities sir?” Swag asks with his regular amount of stupidity.

“I did, sirs!” Toadsworth politely exclaims. “You see, in a few weeks, it’s going to be the 3rd year anniversary since tragedy struck and our beloved Princess vanished!”

“Beloved’s a stretch.” Swag jokes, earning a slap from Chris.

“So I was thinking of making a speech about the occasion!” Toadsworth happily states.

Chris isn’t enthralled. “So… you just need us as proofreaders?”

“Yeup!” Toadsworth obliviously states. “How does this sound for a title? SMG4, I blame you for all my problems?”

“Na, the bro did say sorry with an uwu.” Swag stupidly states while sipping a can of tomato sauce. “Besides, he built that dope ass clubhouse! Come inside, there’s hoes inside!”

“He never invited me there!” Toadsworth selfishly argues. “Besides, it’s half as regal as the old castle, and most of the Toads live in apartments now! We used to live at the castle!”

As Swag and Toadsworth continue to argue, Swag sadly slumps back down in his seat. All these years of hard military work, proudly securing the Fresh Spaghetti Tubby Factory, saving the world many times, being a good soldier to Mark… and he’s stuck in the Kingdom his boss has nothing but contempt for to proof-read an old fool’s self-pity speech while his boss spends time in his secret lair.

What was he doing wrong?

“Sigh…” Chris laments. “I used to be important.”

“No you weren’t Chris, you were with me!” Swag happily says before going back to arguing.

This… doesn’t help a damn thing for Chris.

…

I've seen people turn their heads and quickly look away

Like a newborn baby, it just happens everyday

By now E. Gadd was retreating to a puke bucket. Nip/Tuck are now SAWING into the monster, removing layers of demonic flesh and are trying to pull out Peach’s body. The Blue Medic uses his ubercharge to keep Peach from bleeding out.

Even Mark is turning green from it. “What did Puzzles put in that thing?” he mutters to himself.

The Blue Medic pulls out a needle gun. “Some of her is still connected to ze flesh. Time to bust out ze sewing kits.”

Mark closes his eyes. E. Gadd rushes in and shuts the curtains of the surgical theater. “I’m sorry… I just-”

“Neither could I.”

Maybe then I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts!

It’s easy facing up when your whole world is black!

…

Twelve Hours Later

In Mark’s personal break room, E. Gadd sips a cup of coffee while The Commander uses his iron to press a new shirt for the day.

Like the man himself, Mark’s break room has fancy gold coloring on the furniture, carpet, and walls. Everything looks like it costs good money. Good, TAX PAYER money.

“How did ya’ sleep Doc?”

“Mediocre.” Gadd states. “But that’s normal. You?”

“Worse for wear.” he admits.

Suddenly, Nip rushes in. His white uniform is COATED in blood and demonic goop.

“Mark! We’ve got it! It’s done!” He mutters.

“Nip! The blood and shit! It’s staining the Persian rug…” Mark laments as E. Gadd rushes away from his coffee.

“The Princess! She’s normal!” The Professor sings as he runs to her recovery chamber.

Mark meanwhile glares at Nip. “You couldn’t have taken a shower before telling me?”

“Sorry Boss. I just EEP!” Nip screams as he slips on his blood stained shoes.

…

In a pure white and sterile recovery chamber, The Princess sleeps in a hospital bed. Downed in a white gown, stitch marks and pieces of bone metal are visible on her arms, face, and and are visibly going down her body.

She’s hooked up to O2 and blood packets. She’s out cold.

E. Gadd is visibly moved by the return of the Princess. His glasses fog up as he cleans his tears away.

“Your majesty, it’s been too long.” He mutters.

Mark is less moved. He smirks as his imagination runs wild. This wasn’t just a rescue, but a long-term goal of Mark’s. “Damn straight…” he agrees.

Mark shambles to the Princess and views her being the same way a warlord views a new grenade launcher fresh from the factory.

“I can’t wait for you to wake up.” Mark smiles.

E. Gadd raises an eyebrow. “Why did you rescue the Princess, Commander Mark?”

“Commanding Sergeant Mark…” The Officer corrects. “And it’s simple. I want to restore order.”

“But Toadsworth is doing just fine, and nobody really missed her.” E. Gadd states.

“Do you think the Mushroom Kingdom is doing just fine?” Mark asks. “Do you think Peach would’ve let somebody like Mr. Puzzles or Marty run rampant? Do you really think she would’ve sat by while WPNZ tried to kill Mario?”

E. Gadd has nothing to say. Truth be told, despite being in charge, Toadsworth hasn’t led the charge in much. Hell, even the people who could’ve done something haven’t done much.

“And why didn’t you?” E. Gadd throws back.

Mark smirks at the diminutive doctor. “Touche… but do you think Peach would’ve let me?”

“Are you planning something?” The Doctor asks him, becoming more confrontational.

“It’s in my blood. I’m a leader.” Mark says. “I wouldn’t be in charge of the Mushroom Kingdom Military if I couldn’t plan two steps ahead, or had back-up plans. What kind of a leader does that?”

“A bad one?”

“A bad one.”

The Blue Medic walks in, reading his reports. Concern paints his face like oil on the canvas. “Dis iz not good. Not good one bit.”

“What wrong Medic?” E. Gadd asks.

“The Demonic Goop. It has done more than affect her body.” The Medic reads off. “It iz in her blood and nerves. Despite no longer being physically the demonic monster, she’s still internally so.”

“So what’s the difference? I’ve seen her when she’s mad.” E. Gadd jokes. Mark almost lets out a chuckle to that.

This causes Peach’s eyes to open. Blood shot, tiny pupils, blood on her mind.

“FOUR!” She roars, her jaw unhinging like a snake as she sits up.

Her voice bounces across the room, knocking over anything not secure. E. Gadd flies into the wall as The Medic’s glasses break. Mark is brought to his ass from the blast.

“FOUR?!” Peach screams, ending her monstrous caterwaul. “WHERE ARE YOU! WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT AUSSIE PIECE OF SHIT?!”

“Peach, I need these to hear!” Mark screams back. Peach’s arm shoots out Demonic Goop at Mark. It clings to him and drags him towards her.

“Mark! You no good sack of power-hungry shit! Where is 4? Where is that screen slaving, monkey spanking, fat bastard?” The Pissed-off Princess shouts at Mark.

Mark is at a loss for words. He knew she’d be pissed, but this pissed?

“Er… back home.” He stutters.

“THEN BRING ME TO HIM!” She growls. “I’m gonna rip his stupid, big head off… NO! I’m gonna kill his friends and make him watch… NO! I’m gonna upload a video of me screaming the n word on his YouTube account and get him demonetized, and THEN I’LL KILL HIM… NO! I’m gonna-”

“Princess! Princess!” Mark pleads. “I know you don’t wanna hear this, but you need to calm down!”

“Calm down!? CALM DOWN?!” The Princess screams, NOT calming down.

“You thought that was gonna work?” E. Gadd scolds the Officer.

“THAT BASTARD NEARLY KILLED ME!” Peach growls, spit foaming at her mouth. “His obsession with his STUPID YouTube channel ruined that idiot Mario’s birthday, destroyed my castle, and got me stuck in a pit!  How long was I in the meaty hellhole? 5 weeks? 2 days?”

Mark’s face scrunches as he preps to tell her the worsening news. “Just about 3 years.”

Peachbrainfunctioning.exe not working.

“WHAAAAAAAAAT?!” She… they don’t make words for the noises this bitch is making right now. I’m sorry.

She throws Mark and begins thrashing. More goop shoots from her arms as she begins shaking the building. Her vitals go off the charts.

“She’s gonna bring down the building!” E. Gadd screams.

The Blue Medic pulls out a syringe. “I must sedate her! We cannot risk-HRK!”

That is all the Medic can say before Peach impales him through the chest with the goop. Blood shoots from his mouth as he drops the needle.

The good news is the shaking’s stopped. The bad news is he’s got a giant hole in his chest and he’s dead.

E.Gadd and Mark are silent. They did NOT sign up for her to be that fucking crazy.

“I WILL NOT CALM DOWN YOU GERMAN BASTARD! I AM REALLY PISSED OFF!” Peach screams, pulling her arm back.

E. Gadd, thinking quickly, grabs the needle and rushes Peach. He pricks her in the side with it.

“OW! You dwarf piece of chicken shit!” Peach growls at E. Gadd. “I’m gonna ground pound you into… I’m sleepy.”

Peach passes out in her bed again. Mark and E. Gadd trembles in fear as they look back and forth from the passed-out Princess, and the Medic’s corpse.

…

The duo have ratchet-strapped The Princess into bed.

“If this can keep all the useless shit hillbillies buy at rummage sales in the back of their rusted shitbox pick-ups, then it could keep in an angry Princess with the powers of the Akira guy.” Mark happily points out.

“Tetsuo.” E. Gadd says.

“What?”

“His name was Tetsuo. He was given the powers of Akira. That’s the plot of the movie.”

“Oh…” Mark pauses. “You think that’s what the Princess has in her?”

“Nah…” E. Gadd shakes off. “Whatever Puzzles used for himself, she has in her.”

“And that was?”

“Really bad television?” E. Gadd shrugs.

“I don’t agree with that.” Mark says. “I liked his 1st show a lot. Puzzle Box.”

“Never saw it.”

“It was less of a Mushroom Kingdom thing.” Mark explains. “What’s popular here isn’t out in the rest of the world. And Puzzle Box was popular in places like Japan, Inkopolis, Kong Country. It was this variety show like SNL or Living Color. It was REALLY funny.”

“Oh.” E. Gadd says, genuinely interested. “How long ago was this?”

“Oh like, 10-12 years ago.” Mark says, trying to fully remember “But it was before he had the TV head, weird to look back on. This was back when he was known as Jimmy Puzzles.”

“Jimmy?” The Doctor gasps, now fully fascinated.

“Yeah.” Mark says, getting into it. “And it was super good for the first two seasons, but the one guy quit because of something horrible, and season 3 wasn’t the same without him and it was cancelled just like that!” Mark snaps his fingers, signaling the abrupt end of the program.

“Interesting.” E. Gadd mutters, failing to realize that Peach is waking up again.

“Honestly, I think the show ending early is the reason he lost his mind.” Mark guesses. “I’d lose my mind too if I had everything I wanted taken away from me thanks to outside force-”

“HEY!” Peach screams, fully awake. “What the fuck?”

“The problem’s awake.” Mark sarcastically mutters to the Professor. “Morning sleeping beauty! Ready to not kill anybody now?”

“I still want to see 4 burn at-” Peach stops before Mark shushes her.

“Now does not mean not at all. That’s something to be explored later.” Mark calmly states before pulling up a chair. “But as of now, I need to explain to you the extent of the bad things that have cursed you these past few years.”

Peach looks over to E. Gadd, both unsure if the Doctor should even be here. “What about him?”

Mark looks over to E. Gadd and smirks. “He’s collateral.”

The Professor gulps quietly. He just walked into a Catch 22 situation.

“But in regards to your being, I have nothing but horrible news.” Mark starts. “Your idiotic friend’s friend became dependent on a cursed piece of technology from TV Producer turned manic criminal lunatic James Puzzles. It destroyed your castle, trapped and cursed you… and all he had to do was build his own castle and all was forgiven.”

“His own castle?” Peach growls, jealousy flowing through her demonically enhanced veins.

“It has an idea of something great, but the exterior design is slightly atrocious.” Mark states while lighting up a cigar. “It did get better with some refinement. But, let me tell you just what happened to your kingdom. Toadsworth took over in your absence and turned it into a democracy with elected officials. A democratic republic that runs off a set of rules and regulations. Mainly to keep the peace until you return.”

Peach struggles to keep any remaining composure. Her loyal servant took over? Just like that?! “And how has he been doing?”

“Mixed results.” Mark admits. “To some extent, not good. A cardboard cutout, a guy with a TV for a face, and a talking machine gun almost destroyed it over the span of 2 years, and poor Hal Monitor and FM had to work overtime to keep any peace.”

“And you?”

Mark smirks, time to lie. “They cut the military’s budget. We’re not the same anymore.”

Peach is speechless. Who would do such a stupid thing?

“But they like him more.” Mark says, adding salt to the wound.

“What?” Peach says, ala Chris Pratt in Guardians 2.

“He’s more of a pushover and doesn’t make harsh choices. So they like him.” Mark says, finishing his cigar. “Gambling, stupidity, and reckless behavior is more… common now that the leader isn’t and I quote, a stark raving bitch.”

Now she’s furious. Her jaw begins to unhinge as her veins begin glowing the vibrant umber of the demonic goop.

“That’s why I freed you from your cavernous cocoon of misery.” Mark states while getting out of his chair. “Your kingdom needs you, whether it thinks that way or not. You want your kingdom back, you gotta play ball with the public. As tempting as it is to just march on into town, killing anybody who fucked you over before over-throwing the government, that wouldn’t go well in the long run. Would it?”

Peach says nothing, she just contemplates.

“I’ll let you sit with it for a minute.” Mark says, motioning E. Gadd to the door.

Outside of the recovery chamber, E. Gadd glares at Mark.

“You lied.”

“It was a political strategy."

“Lying’s a strategy?”

“I know you live in a kingdom, but I’ve seen the outside world and politicians lie all the damn time.” Mark laughs. “No matter the face, party, standings… they get what they want anyway possible. It’s called Machiavelism.”

“You fully know Chris Gordman and Swagmaster have been carrying the military on their backs for years now! You’ve chosen to do nothing because you’ve been pouting since the A.S.S was disbanded.” E. Gadd confronts him.

Mark sarcastically raises his hands. “Caught me! What do you want, a freaking medal?”

“I want the truth!” E. Gadd shouts.

“You want the truth?” Mark shouts back.

“I’ve made up my mind!” Peach yells from the chamber. The feuding men stop and re-enter.

“I’ll play ball.” Peach laments. “But if it fails-”

“Failure is not an option for what I’m planning.” Mark interrupts. “Trust me, I’ve been thinking about this for a hot minute.”

“Groovy.” Peach smirks, ready to join the game. “Two things though. First, what are we gonna do with the corpse?”

Peach points over to The Blue Medic’s fresh corpse. They didn’t move it.

“Oh shit, yeah that.” Mark remarks.

“Yeah, I even forgot about him.” E. Gadd admits.

“It’s starting to smell.” Peach gags.

“I mean… rats gotta eat.” Mark says.

“But in the recovery chamber?” E. Gadd asks.

“I’ll… figure it out on my own.” Mark sighs before turning to Peach. “And the other thing?”

“I need a make-over.”

…

I look inside myself and see my heart is black!

I see my red door and must have it painted black!

Gone is the pink dress, Peach now dons a black dress, long and slick. A blood red shoulder and chest piece is placed on top.

Think of it as battle armor.

If I look hard enough into the setting sun

My love will laugh with me before the morning comes.

Leather boots with spikes on the heels. Perfect for the Princess’s reinvention.

I see a red door and I want it painted black!

Black eye-liner, red lipstick, and black eye makeup baseball players wear.

She looks at her hair. Too fair, too yellow…

No colors anymore I want it to turn black!

Hair bleach applied… soon to be perfect.

…

Peach’s transformation is now complete. White hair let long, black dress with a red chest piece made of metal, leather boots with spikes. Even her gloves have become black leather, the type you wear while working with steel.

Mark, in a fresh golden uniform, nods to her. “Your Majesty looks like a total badass.”

“I feel like a badass.” Peach remarks.

E. Gadd stands in the corner of the complex. He’s not as enthused. In fact, quite the opposite.

“Now what?” Mark asks.

“How about a parade?” The Princess asks.

…

In town, a large town meeting is going on.

Ok large is a bit of an exaggeration, it’s just a collection of a few people alongside Mario, SMG4, SMG3, Minion, Luigi, Meggy, Tari, Bob, and Shroomy, a scout leader and local mushroom boy.

“ThIs Is FuCkInG sTuPiD aNd LaMe. I wIsH i WaS bAcK sCrEwInG bItChEs Or GaMbLiNg InStEaD oF aTtEnDiNg SoMe StUpId SpEeCh!” Bob laments.

“Bob! It’s important to attend public speeches of elected officials.” Tari cheers. “A town can’t run without people!”

… “It’S cUtE yOu EvEn ThInK tHaT.” Bob remarks, earning a slap from Meggy.

“I’m bored! When do we eat?” Mario asks.

“Mario, we were invited to this special presentation.” Luigi states. “And besides, you don’t have a decent excuse.”

“Being hungry is always an excuse!” Mario happily states. “And what’s everybody else’s “air tight” excuses?”

“Saiko and Kaizo are on tour, Melony just got over her writer’s block and has been invested in her work over the past week, Karen, Boopkins, and JubJub are at work, anybody else?” SMG4 sarcastically lists off.

“X is presenting a smash tournament in Silicon City or something.” 3 retorts while playing on his phone.

“That… and get off that!” 4 growls while trying to swipe away 3’s phone.

“Hey I need that! I need that!” 3 defensively states while 4 takes the mobile.

The game 3 was playing is one of those scam gambling games based on Wicked. “What the fuck?” 4 asks.

“Hey, aren’t those scams?” Minion asks.

“No! Look at the count, I have over 14 quadrillion Flying Monkey coins!” 3 happily states.

“And that is in real dollars?” 4 asks.

“15 dollars… and a Walmart gift card for 15 bucks.” 3 responds. “And it only took me 2 months and 15 thousand dollars!”

“mY mAn!” Bob cheers, high-fiving him.

“Where did you even find this shit?” 4 asks him.

“A very reputable source!” 3 states.

“Was it Chris Stuckmann’s review of Wicked?” Minion asks.

“Yes…”

Minion sighs while pinching her brow. “Dammit… why did he take that sponsor?”

Suddenly, FM exits town hall. Members of the Mushroom Kingdom police march out as Hal Monitor, Chris, and Swag take their places atop the steps.

“Alright people! We’ve got 4 hours to burn before the newest episode of Survivor is on. Here it up for the Mayor of the Mushroom Kingdom, Toadsworth!”

Toadsworth happily walks to the podium to a polite applause. It becomes bigger when 4 slaps Mario for falling asleep already.

“Hello! Yes, thank you.” The elderly statesman begins. “Today is another wonderful winter day in the Mushroom Kingdom. Even though the past few years have been tough, with the disappearance of our beloved princess, the near destruction of our city thanks to nefarious forces, and many more tragedies…”

SMG4 feels a pit growing in his stomach. Despite everybody else’s forgiveness, he still greatly blames himself for the keyboard, the demonic goop, and the Princess’s disappearance.

“But today, we will be giving thanks to those who kept our city running during the times of trials and tribulations.” Toadsworth begins.

“What? Is this presentation about us?” Meggy asks. “Is that why we had to go?”

“Our military and police leaders who kept the Mushroom Kingdom safe and sound from all the bullshit Mario, SMG4, and their friends accidentally brought upon our city!” Toadsworth happily states.

Hal takes a polite bow. “Thank you. Thank you. Just keeping the ILLEGAL acts at bay.

“Hell yeah!” FM cheers.

Chris sighs and shakes his head. “Just doing my thankless duty.”

“HELL YEAH BOI!” Swag screams, flexing. “Swagmaster6969696969 is the ultimate alpha chad! Get dunked on all ye’ bitches!”

4 and the gang… less enthused.

“WHAT?” 4 screams, appalled. “We were victims of circumstance! None of that was our fault!”

“What about the keyboard and Peach’s castle?” 3 sarcastically remarks.

“Puzzles tricked me!” 4 retorts. “He wanted control over our lives and used the keyboard to get it!”

“You should’ve read the fine print.” Mario says, adding salt to the wounds. 4 slaps Mario in the face.

“Shut up Mario! You directly caused Marty!”

“Well I know I wasn’t responsible for Wren, that guy was just a nucking fut!” Meggy defends herself from any accusations.

“Nobody said nuttin’ to you or me.” Shroomy states, finally entering the story.

“What about 3 and… HEY!” Meggy screams. “You directly contributed to an entire story arc!”

Everybody glares at 3. “I going through a mental health crisis, and I’m trying to do better as well all need to-”

“Don’t use your therapy talk to shift blame!” Meggy yells back.

As the friends argue who’s more of an irresponsible jackass who almost let a villain conquer the kingdom, Minion watches by and pulls out a tape recorder. “Note to self, play catch-up with the past 10 years of story.”

“And that’s what today’s speech is all about.” Toadsworth announces. “Crime! And punishment! And crime. And punishment. And crime… and punishment… and crime, and punishment, and crimepunishmentcrime-”

...

Two and a half hours later

“Punishment… and crime! IN THE HALL!” Toadsworth continuously rambled.

To say everybody was bored would be an insult to the word bored. Boredom does not describe ⅛ of what this bullshit was.

FM is asleep on the stares, literally on the stairs splayed out. Hal’s screen has gone into sleep mode. Swag kept being slapped awake by Chris, who himself was getting tired.

“12 years of loyal service… I defended the kingdom from entire armies.” Chris laments.

4 and 3 both have gone onto their phones. Minion is on her tablet playing Angry Birds. Mario and Luigi are asleep, neither brother gives a shit. Meggy has turned pale, Tari’s brain is melting, Bob is loading a pistol to shoot himself, and Shroomy is staring at a colony of ants eating a dead bird.

“That’s a cute little bird corpse.” Shroomy remarks.

“I’lL sHoOt YoU fIrSt WhEn I’m ReAdY.” Bob tells him.

“What?”

“And crime, and-”

THUD!

THUD THUD!

THUD THUD THUD!

Toadsworth’s speech stops with the sounds of impending thuds and other loud noises.

“What the?”

Everybody begins to awaken from their recent comas. They all turn to see what’s making those noises.

“What is that?” Chris asks.

“Is that yo mama?” Swag jokes.

“Hey! Hey! I was sleeping here!” FM yells.

“Making loud noises like that is ILLEGAL!” Hal states.

“AAA! What’s going on?” 4 yells.

“Is it Godzilla?” 3 asks.

“If it is, then international copyright laws will kill this fan fic faster than all the copyrighted song lyrics in it!” Minion points out.

“Yeah, we should probably stop using those.” 4 states.

…well I might.

“Luigi? Is it a monster?” Mario screams, shaking his brother.

“I-I CAN’T-CAN’T SEE-SEE MY OWN-OWN VI-VI-SION!” Luigi gasps.

“Wait? Is that?” Meggy says, squinting.

THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD!

“Oh my gosh!” Tari gasps.

“hOly OrAnGuTaN pUsSy!” Bob screams.

“Well golly gee if it isn’t a military parade!” Shroomy happily states.

Truth be told, Mark has led his sanction of soldiers down town in parade fashion. With him on top of a tank, soldiers march to the beat of the drummer boys.

Weapons, large military vehicles, and bombs are shown off.

Think North Korea parades for this. Mark’s aware of what he’s doing. He’s telling anybody who’s gonna have a problem with his decisions down the road to pound sand. Because he has the bombs.

They stop just in front of the crowd and the town hall building.

“Commanding Sergeant Mark, I enjoy the parade, but it’s a tad late, my speech just started!” Toadsworth exclaims.

“I’m aware, but I have something awesome to show off.” Mark says, pulling out a microphone.

“Ladies, Gents, and those who are neither… have we got a show for you! Making her grand return to the Mushroom Kingdom stage after almost 3 years of absence. The one, the only… PEACH TOADSTOOL!”

E. Gadd sighs before turning on some electronic music. Straight out of Runway, Peach emerges from the tank and struts up her way up the town hall stairs.

Her new looks, new outfit, and new set of confidence quickly earn… interesting remarks.

Hal, FM, and Chris are all shocked to see her again. Swag on the other hand.

“Chris, I’m going to the bathroom for the next minute. This one’s gonna be a quickie.” He rushes away.

“Gross dude.”

Shroomy is happy to see her, unaffected by the hormonal imbalances of the perverted mind. “Well golly gee, things are returning to normal!”

Mario and Luig are both amazed to see her still living. “The Princess?” Mario screams. “HOW?! HOW!?”

Bob’s eyes have bulged out of his robe. “HoLy PePpErOnI, mY pInGaS iS hArDeR tHaN uNcOoKeD rAvIoLi!”

3 and Minion are both amazed to see her again. “Wait, wasn’t she dead?” Minion asks.

“Nope, just rotting at the bottom of a Hell pit.” 3 corrects.

4’s heart is about to shut down. He turns pale and begins trembling as the Princess walks past. Luckily for him, she doesn’t say a word.

Toadsworth is more than happy to see her again. “Your majesty! You’ve returned!”

“Indeed I have Toadsworth. Kept the kingdom running?” She remarks, ready to strike at an instant.

“Indeed I have! And I’m so glad you’re back, I can’t STAND doing this shit anymore!” Toadsworth remarks, showing a shockingly vulgar side.

The crowd is shocked by this, but none more than Peach and Mark.

“I… what?” Peach asks.

“Yeah! Nobody listens to me, SMG4 and his, quite frankly your majesty, gaggle of retards he calls friends keep fucking this place up! We need you back!” Toadsworth says, getting on his knees.

Peach stammers and turns to Mark. He just shrugs his shoulders. “Easy victory?”

“OK then… I’ll take the reins.” Peach says.

“Gladly!” Toadsworth happily states. “The Princess is back, fuck democracy, fuck republics, and fuck constitutions!”

The crowd slowly begins to disperse as Mark points his men to the building.

“Alright boys, show’s on! Come on poindexter.” Mark says while kicking E. Gadd forward.

The group is in shock at what happened. None more than 4 and Tari.

“DoEs ThAt InSpIrE fAiTh In ThE gOvErNmEnT?” Bob sarcastically remarks to the gamer girl, inspiring another slap from Meggy.

Peach is about to walk inside with Toadsworth, but she quickly turns back and shoots the mother of all death glares at 4. Her eyes turn black and her mouth begins dripping that demonic goop. Her razor sharp teeth shows him what exactly is on her mind.

“I am gonna die.” 4 gasps.

Mark makes his way up the stairs to where Chris is.

“Sir, how did-” Chris begins.

“It’s private. Some me-stuff I did.” Mark sarcastically responds. “I’m running the show again, so uh… take your guys and uh fuck off.”

“What?”

“Do something else? Leave the big boy stuff to me, the big boy!” Mark rudely responds. “Just go back to doing what you do best. Just be you…sless.”

Mark laughs at his insult as Chris demoralizes. He slowly sits down the stairs, unsure of what to do anymore.

Swag rushes out of the building.

“Holy shit Mr. Boss! When did you get-”

Mark pushes Swag out of his way. “Fuck off will yeah, fagmaster!”

Chris sees his buddy on the ground and furiously gets up. “HEY!”

Mark glares back at Chris and smirks.

Without any words traded, Chris sits back down. Mark and E. Gadd enter the building.

The door slams shut and locks.

“Fagmaster? Haven’t heard that in a while.” Swag states, shaking his head. “Must be a return to the MLG era.”

“Swag, please… can you give me a few minutes to be alone.” Chris says, holding his head and trying to keep control of his emotion.

Despite usually being a social idiot on the levels of Mario and Bob, Swag silently nods and walks away, letting his friend have his moment.

This is serious.

…

Inside Toadsworth's office, he signs the paperwork, signalling he’s going back to being Peach’s loyal servant.

“And with that, I’m no longer in charge!” Toadsworth happily states. “And you will return to power and things will be back to normal.”

“Glad?” Peach states, looking over her kingdom with power in her eyes.

“More than ever!” Toadsworth happily states. “I thought being a leader would be fun at first, but I’m amazed at how stupid people can be.”

“That’s why we need tough leaders to make tough decisions. Do things people wouldn’t dare do themselves, but are thankful that they were done.” The Princess cold states.

“That sounds cryptic… just like old times!” Toadsworth foolishly remarks.

“And all the rules you put in place for elected officials?” She asks.

“Don’t apply! I know you’d never abuse your power.”

Peach nods. Just one last thing before she can do what she wants to do. “Just one last thing. Princess… What kind of a Princess am I? How many Princesses have gone through what I’ve gone through, and came out looking like me?”

“Quite frankly none.” Toadsworth says. “You look more like a queen.”

“Exactly!” Peach states. “Gone are the days of Princess Peach being kidnapped by King Koopa. I’m tired of being a pretty princess, but instead I can be Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom!”

Mark and E. Gadd enter the room with that statement. Just like Toadsworth, they are surprised to hear that.

“Queen?” Mark asks.

“Like it? Queen Peach Toadstool.” She states with powerful flourish.

“Has a ring to it.” Mark admits.

“The process can only take place in the castle I’m afraid.” Toadsworth states.

“That’s something we can do tomorrow.” Peach says. “We can get the castle back, have the coronation, and things will be like nothing ever changed.”

Peach sits at Toadsworth’s old desk and rests her boots on the table. “But for now, alert the press of the change. Princess Peach Toadstool died in that pit, and a Queen emerged.”

Happily, Toadsworth bows to her. “Anything your majesty! Happy days, happy days.” He sings while running away.

Mark chuckles at him. “He really must be blind. Living in the glory days makes it hard to see what’s going on.”

“Let him!” Peach remarks. “Blind, unquestioning loyalty is impossible to come across anymore. You’re aware.”

Mark holds up his hands again, but more jokingly. “Got me!”

E. Gadd is aghast. What has he been conscripted into helping with? What are these two clearly immoral figures planning?

“Commanding Sergeant, I must speak with you… alone.” The Doctor states.

…

In a private meeting room, Mark smiles at the Professor while he stands opposing him from the other side of the room.

“What have you done?” E. Gadd starts.

“A simple political strategy called, a hail mary pass to the endzone.” Mark starts. “Ever heard of Hail Maryland?”

“This is not a time for Football!” E. Gadd interrupts.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, I’M TALKING!” Mark suddenly screams, scaring E. Gadd into silence. The Officer adjusts himself before continuing.

“It was a 2024 NFL regular season game between the Chicago Bears and the Washington Commanders. End of the 4th quarter, two seconds left, the Commanders were down 9-15. The offense of the Commanders were at their own 35 yard line. It seemed hopeless. Bears defensive cornerback Tyrique Stevenson was even taunting the crowd it seemed that pointless. So what happened?

Jayden Daniels said fuck it and threw a 52 yard pass after 13 seconds of scrambling down the field. Tyrique accidentally pushed it back into the hands of Noah Brown. Game over, Commanders win, 18-15.

Me rescuing the Princess and bringing her back was my Hail Mary pass to the endzone.”

E. Gadd becomes more and more angry with his explanation. “And the military parade?”

“We got lucky that Toadsworth was so happy to return to the status quo. If he didn’t…”

E. Gadd becomes pale. “Oh my word…”

“The leader I want to lead is in charge now. She ain’t gonna do what I say, but she’s gonna let me do what I want to do.” Mark explains. “It ain’t a puppet government, she was just less interested in what I was doing, so I did whatever. Now she’s a little more on my side.”

E. Gadd has heard enough. He takes a binder from one of the tables in the meeting room and chucks it at Mark, who dodges it.

“Hey! What the-”

“You corrupt, spineless, yellow-bellied creature!” E. Gadd scolds him. “You’ve betrayed the entire kingdom, and threw it at the mercy of… somebody plagued with demonic infestations! The Blue Medic said it was still in her, and you let her take control?! How could you!?”

“I did what I did because I wanted to do it.” Mark coldly responds. “Now I’m in charge, and you’re going to work for me.”

“WHAT?”

“You’re gonna invent all my new machines. Weapons of war, battle bots, coffee makers. All of it. Or else.” Mark threatens.

“Or else? Or else what?” E. Gadd responds. “What’s stopping me from sabotaging your machines? Or running away? What if I tell everybody about your schemes?”

Mark says nothing to that. He just silently pulls out his Desert Eagle and points it directly at E. Gadd’s forehead.

“AH!”

“Ever seen what happens when somebody gets shot in the face by a Desert Eagle?” Mark asks. “Neither have I. Tempted though, really am. I’ve heard it can take a head clean off. You’re a scientist right? Ever wanted to try THAT experiment?”

E. Gadd stammers. The talkative scientist is at a loss for words.

“You know how many bodies I’ve buried in that desert? I’ve raised entire generations of vultures off the corpses I’ve left rotting in the sun. You wanna join them? Hmm?”

Mark pauses to think before continuing his threat. “I took you on a tour of my work, let you in on my ploys for a reason. That is my collateral. You know what I’ve done, so know you get to work for me. Because right now, on paper, you’re a liability. You know what happens to liabilities in the military? They get left rotting in the sun.”

E. Gadd turns pale and takes a big gulp. He’s caught and is up shit’s creek without a paddle. “What would you like from me sir?”

“I want a new car.” Mark responds, putting his gun away. “A nice one with a sleek design to it, and in Barney Purple coloring. With heated seats… surround sound bluetooth audio with voice commands, a smart screen that’ll say if something’s wrong… an ac system that actually hits you in the face instead of the left side of your neck… 4-wheel drive… and shitty gas mileage so I can have the tax payers pay for it.”

“On it sir! You won’t be disappointed sir!” E. Gadd states, scurrying away.

Mark laughs while strutting. He’s missed having this level of control.

…

Peach relaxes in her chair as Mark joins her with a fresh cigar. The Machiavelist Duo watch the sun set.

“It’s almost perfect. I got my body back, my power, soon my castle, and my newest crown.” Peach lists off. “Anything else?”

Mark pauses to think. “Can’t think of it. Must not be too important.”

“Yeah.” Peach agrees.

“Queen Peach Toadstool. Perfect.” Mark lists off. “Your power, your castle, and then your title. Anything else?”

“Just one.” Peach says. “My first royal decree has been set in stone since the day I was left to rot in that pit all those years ago…”

Peach turns Mark. Her eyes are black, her mouth is full of sharp teeth and is drooling the goop. Despite not being the monster psychically anymore, she’s still that beast inside.

“BRING ME THE HEAD OF SMG4!”