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Sebastian had been something more than a friend to you for almost a year now, but you were hesitant to take things any further. All the nights spent together playing video games or watching movies, all the rainy days looking for frogs, all the times you’d stopped by his room to keep him company while he worked. It was… comfortable. You were comfortable with whatever your relationship was at the moment. And you desperately wanted to avoid messing it up. You knew most people in town thought you were a couple, and Sebastian himself had even hinted once, ever so subtly, that were you to ask him, he’d say yes. But god did it scare you.
In your stomach, the line between butterflies and mortification was razor thin, and it always had been. You had avoided dating altogether for most of your life, instead focusing on school, then college, then climbing the corporate ladder. It was fine, you had told yourself, that no one loved you. All that lovey-dovey stuff had always made you cringe, and relationships always seemed to have far more drama than they needed to. But there was still a little part of you that craved more than just friendship. And somehow, it had latched on to Sebastian.
You wanted more with him. What you wanted more of though, you weren’t entirely sure. If you started dating, what logical conclusion was there? Marriage? Kids? Sex? No, you definitely didn’t want those. The thought of being that dependent on someone, and of anyone being that dependent on you was suffocating (and the sex part just seemed uncomfortable). But you knew Sebastian wanted more. He had all but told you so. And you couldn’t deny that you felt some kind of attraction toward him. Every time he smiled at you, every time you got him to laugh, it made your heart skip a beat. You had even kissed once. Maybe. Curled up on the couch, dozing off to some B-rate horror film, you couldn’t be sure you hadn’t dreamt it. And you were far too embarrassed to ask about it. Even so, you had thought about it non-stop for weeks, eventually deciding, Screw it. I clearly like him, and he likes me. I’ll figure out the rest later.
You decided to give him the bouquet just before the flower dance, because you knew it would make things simpler. Either he’d turn you down and you’d just go home, or he’d accept, you’d share a quick kiss, and then dance together, confirming the rumors to his family and the town at large. The well-practiced steps of the dance would keep your mind off of the glaring omissions you had made when offering him a relationship. For what supposedly started as an ancient fertility ritual, the flower dance was quite sexless. But the part that followed is what had you worried. The two of you had snuck away from the festival early, and headed back to your house for a moment alone. And there was no choreography for this part.
“God, I hate these stupid outfits” Sebastian said, closing your door behind him. He had already pulled off his tie and suit jacket on the walk back to your place, and was now struggling to kick off his dress shoes.
“Good thing you left this here then.” You replied, holding up one of his hoodies that had been abandoned on your couch.
“Oh thank God.”
He held his arms out for you to throw it to him and you obliged, hitting him squarely in the face, making him laugh. You couldn’t help but laugh as well, feeling a warmth so familiar yet so new spread through your chest.
“is it cool if I change in the bedroom?” He said, gesturing to the one door in your small house.
“Yeah, go ahead. But it’s my turn next!”
You sat on the couch, pulling off your own dress shoes with a bit more reverence than Sebastian did. You felt sort of guilty, springing this on him at his least favorite festival, but you hoped that maybe it would make it a little more bearable. Maybe the flower dance isn’t all that bad? Finally getting your dress shoes off though, you notice several blisters beginning to form. Never mind- maybe Sebastian’s right about this one.
You hear the door open, and turn to see Sebastian wearing his black hoodie… and bright blue dress pants. You try your best to stifle a laugh.
“I, uh- I don’t have any other pants...” He explained, embarrassment creeping over his face.
“It’s certainly a look.” You reply with a smirk. “Let me see if I have anything that’ll fit you.” You go to your dresser and rummage around for a bit before pulling out some pajama pants.
“Hopefully they’re not too colorful for you.” You say, handing them to him.
He lets out an exasperated laugh. “I think I’ll live.”
“Go ahead and finish changing- I’m gonna make some coffee.”
You head back out into your kitchen-slash-living-room, putting a pot of water on to boil. “Man, I really need to invest in a coffee maker.” You thought, setting out some instant coffee and some mugs. When Sebastian came back out, finally free of his flower dance outfit, the two of you switched places so you could go change. Closing the door behind you, you let out a sigh. This was going well so far. You were worried that giving him the bouquet would immediately change your relationship, but so far things seemed basically the same. Except now when you shared clothes, maybe fewer eyebrows would be raised.
You sat on your bed in your normal clothes again, contemplating all this, when Sebastian knocked on the door. “You done?”
“Yeah” you replied, watching him come in with two mugs.
“Coffee’s ready.” He said, handing one to you. You accepted it and hummed in thanks, taking a sip before holding it in your lap, lost in thought. Sebastian sat down next to you, being careful not to spill anything.
“So, what’s the plan for today?” He said, making you realize it was only around noon. You hadn’t planned to leave the dance so soon that morning.
“Well, I already took care of all my chores before the festival, so I don’t have anything else going on.”
“We could, um… go somewhere. Or something. If you want.” Sebastian said, fingers tapping nervously on his mug. Was he asking you out?
“You mean like, on a date?”
“Yeah, If you want. I mean- we’re… dating now, after all.” He said, holding his coffee to his lips, trying to hide his face. Dating. The word made your stomach do a flip- from excitement or fear, you weren’t really sure.
“But you never want to go anywhere- you hate people.” You teased, emboldened by how nervous he was. He’s cute when he’s nervous.
“Yeah, but if you wanted to… then- like, I’d manage.” He stared down at his cup, trying to avoid your gaze. The sentiment was so sweet, you couldn’t help but do the same. As fun as going on a date seemed, it also scared you to death- the though of everyone staring at you, making assumptions.
“Nah,” you replied as nonchalantly as you could, “I’m okay just hanging out here.”
Sebastian sighed in relief. “Oh thank god. Yeah, let’s just stay here then.”
You let out a little laugh at his response. “We don’t have to go out, you know- I don’t think it’s a requirement.”
“Well I’m sorry,” he said with a smirk and a twinge of sarcasm, “I don’t exactly have the rules of dating memorized.”
“Aw shucks” you reply, matching his tone, “I was hoping one of us would know ‘em”. You raise your mug to your lips and add, “It’s not like I’ve ever dated anyone.” The sarcasm dropping from your voice as you take a sip of your coffee.
“Hey- same here” Sebastian said with a shrug.
You look up to him, confused. “I thought you and Abigail used to date?”
“Pfft- yeah, in middle school.” He said with a slight cringe, “I don’t really think that counts.”
“Oh.” You said with a chuckle, nervously finishing off your coffee. That was new information. You thought he was more experienced than you, but apparently neither of you knew what you were doing. Maybe that would be okay, you decided. At least there weren’t going to be any expectations.
“Well, that’s alright then.” You reassure him. “If we don’t know the rules, then they don’t really matter, do they?”
“Huh. I guess not.” He said, taking the last sip of his coffee.
“Yeah.” You say with resolve. “Dating can just be… whatever we want it to be.”
Sebastian nods in agreement. “Yeah.” He says, smiling at you, letting a comfortable silence settle between you for a moment.
He takes your empty mug from you, and turns to place both mugs on your bedside table. When he turns back to face you, he’s all nerves again.
“Can I… um…”
He shifted closer to you, and it sent a chill down your spine. Oh no.
“Can we…”
You could guess what he was going to ask by the way he glanced down at your lips.
“Can I… kiss you?”
The last part was basically a whisper, but it still felt earth-shattering to you. You weren’t sure why- you had already kissed at the flower dance. But sitting on your bed, alone in your room- this felt so much more… intimate.
“um…” you hesitate for just a moment, but looking into his eyes, expectantly awaiting your answer, a blush creeping across his cheeks, you realize- you do want to kiss him.
“y-yeah” you breathe out, leaning forward.
You feel his lips press against yours, just for a few seconds. But it’s enough to send a jolt through your entire body. His lips are warmer than you’d expected, and rougher, too. He clearly chews them while he works. All this runs through your mind as he pulls back, your faces only inches apart.
“I- was that okay?” he asks gently, as if approaching a frightened animal. You realize that your eyes probably have the look of one. You swallow, trying to control your nerves, and nod quickly.
“oh, good.” He smiles and lets out a shaky breath of relief. “Can I… can I do that again?”
You nod once more, finding it hard to form words. He closes the gap between you, and this time you part your lips ever so slightly, feeling his lips move against yours. His hand comes up to caress your cheek, and you find yourself smiling into the kiss. It’s thrilling. And terrifying. And wonderful.
You run your hand up to his neck and he tilts his head to deepen the kiss, a small sound coming from the back of his throat. Suddenly, the butterflies in your stomach feel like their wings have turned to razor blades. No, This is fine, you tell yourself. You’re fine. You’re just kissing. You do your best to ignore the dread curdling in your stomach, but as Sebastian reaches around to pull you closer, his hand trails down your back toward the hem of your-
“WAIT!”
You all but push him off of you, jumping back in panic.
“Woah, hey! What’s wrong?” He asks, concern lacing his voice.
You take a moment to catch your breath, overwhelmed by everything that’s happened.
“I don’t- I don’t want to have sex.”
Sebastian looks at you with confusion for a second, but it quickly turns to realization. “Oh, no, I wasn’t- that’s okay! That’s fine- we don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
You huff in frustration, tears prickling behind your eyes. “No I- I don’t want to have sex ever.”
He tilts his head a bit. “What do you…”
“Ugh- I should’ve told you this sooner!” You exclaim, pressing your palms into your eyes. You take a few breaths and get your emotions under control. And when you finally lower your hands from your face, Sebastian just looks at you with worry and curiosity, waiting to let you explain.
“I… Sebastian, I’m asexual.”
His expression doesn’t change. “Okay…?”
“Do you, uh- d’you know what that is?”
“I’ve heard the word before, yeah.” He takes a moment to think, shifting around. “Remind me anyway?”
“It means I don’t, um… I don’t- feel attraction the way other people do.” He nods slightly, encouraging you to continue.
“God, how do I explain this…” you murmur, biting your lip. You pull your legs up onto the bed and turn to face him. “I told you I’ve never dated anyone, right?”
Sebastian mirrors your actions, turning and folding his legs in front of him to sit across from you. “right…”
“Well, that’s ‘cause I never really felt like I needed to. Or even wanted to.” You said, fidgeting with your hands. “Like, in school- it seemed like one day everyone just got obsessed with dating, and who was having sex with who, and I never understood why.” You grimaced for a moment. “A few of the girls in my class even got pregnant. Smart girls, who must’ve known that could happen. And I just- why would they even have sex in the first place?”
Sebastian just watched you. His expression was unreadable, but he was listening intently.
You let out a sigh. “But I realized later that they did it because- because they wanted to. They- wanted to have sex.” You said, looking down at the sheets below you. “I hadn’t ever felt like that. I’ve still never felt like that.” You look up to meet his eyes again. “It happens with movies too, y’know? Like, two characters will just drop everything to have sex with each other, even if that’s the stupidest thing they could do.” Your voice grows quieter. “But, I understand now that… they’re feeling something I can’t.”
You quickly realize how pitiful that sounds, so you force out a chuckle. “I actually thought- for the longest time- that calling someone ‘hot’ was just another way of saying ‘handsome’ or ‘pretty’. I didn’t realize it meant they actually make you- feel hot.” You smile at Sebastian, but he doesn’t meet your gaze- his face smeared with disappointment.
“So, you don’t want to be together…?”
“No- I do!” You exclaim loudly- so much so that Sebastian jumps a little. “I do want to date you, I just- ugh, that’s what makes this so hard.” Sebastian just looks at you, his expression somewhere between pity and intrigue.
“I still feel romantic attraction, just not sexual attraction.” You look down again, absolutely sure your face was turning red. “I… really like you. A lot. I like hanging out with you, and I… I like kissing you. And I liked dancing with you at the festival.” You glance up at him with a pained expression. “I’ve never actually liked someone this much. But-” You let out a sigh. “But I still just… don’t want to have sex.”
Sebastian is silent for a moment, and a pit of dread starts to grow in your stomach, before he finally responds.
“Well, we don’t have to have sex, you know.”
You look up to him, eyes wide.
“I mean- It’s not like I’m gonna die if I don’t have sex.” He lets out an awkward chuckle. “I’ve survived this long without it.”
You let out a breath of laughter too- mostly out of relief. “Oh. Okay.” Your expression quickly drops. “Are you sure though? I understand if you don’t want to date me. I don’t want to keep you from… y’know…”
“I’ll be fine- honestly.” He says, smiling. “It’s not that big a deal.”
You sigh again, this time with guilt. “I’m sorry- I should’ve told you all this before I gave you the bouquet.”
“Hey, it’s okay. It’s just… part of who you are, right?” You nod your head in shame.
“Well… I like who you are.”
You glance at him, only to see him shyly looking at his hands.
“And- and I want to be with you. Whatever that looks like.”
It feels like your heart burst into pieces, hearing Sebastian admit something so sweet. You’d talked a fair bit about his anxiety, so you knew this couldn’t have been easy for him either. You probably just sent him on a rollercoaster of whether you liked him or not.
“I- um… thank you.” You stammer, not quite sure what to say. Sebastian finally meets your eyes, and your expression shifts.
“I still feel bad though,” you say, your gaze dropping. “I like you, and I want to be more- more intimate with you. Just… not like that.”
“How, then?”
You look up at him. “What?”
“How do you want to be more intimate?” he clarifies.
You open your mouth to respond, but quickly realize you have no answer. Again, you’re confronted by all the questions you had avoided earlier. What would a relationship with Sebastian even look like? You want more, but more of what? What even IS intimacy, anyway?
Sebastian gives you a moment to let the gears in your head turn, but thankfully he steps in before you can jump off the deep end of overthinking.
“Hey, it’s okay if you don’t know.” he says, “We could just… try stuff out if you want.”
That pulls you out of your spiraling thoughts. “Try what…?”
“Just, like- relationship things.” He shifts around nervously. “I mean, there’s plenty of things couples do that aren’t sex.”
You swallow hard. “Um- yeah, I guess.”
“Like, here-” he says, scooting closer to you, “we can hold hands, right?” He reaches out and places his hand on the sheets in front of you.
You nod slightly, and reach out to place your hand in his, hesitating for just a moment before you make contact. You watch his long fingers wrap around yours, dexterous from years of keyboard use. He squeezes your hand gently and brushes his thumb across your knuckles, sending a thrill through your chest. You mentally curse yourself for being so sensitive, absolutely sure Sebastian could see the goosebumps radiating up your arm.
“Is this okay?” he asks, and it takes you a moment to get your brain moving again.
“um, yeah- it’s fine.” You squeak out. If your face didn’t give away how flustered you were, your voice definitely did.
Sebastian just smiled at your response. “well, good. That’s one thing we can do that isn’t sex.”
You couldn’t help but snicker at his matter-of-fact-ness. His blunt nature could get under some people’s skin, but in this case it might actually prove to be helpful.
“We can just keep trying stuff,” he said, bringing his other hand over to hold yours, “and if there’s anything you don’t like, just let me know and we’ll stop, okay?”
“Yeah, okay.” You say, interlacing your fingers with his. He scoots a little closer, until your knees are touching, and you can see his cheeks going red.
“You said, um… you said you liked kissing me?”
Your eyes drop in embarrassment as you nod. You did say that, didn’t you?
“you wanna do it again?” he asks, hesitantly placing a hand on your cheek.
Your lips meet, and this time you find yourself savoring the sensation a little more. You shift onto your knees to lean into the kiss, and Sebastian lets out a hum of amusement at your forwardness. He wraps his arms around you and you feel his hand trail along your back, but there’s no dread this time. You’ve told him about being ace, and you can stop whenever you want. It’s definitely a confidence booster. You let a small groan escape your throat as you grab onto his hoodie, pulling him closer. He smiles against your lips, and you can’t help but do the same.
Sebastian’s hand finds its way up to the back of your neck, playing with the collar of your shirt, sending a shiver down your spine. But as his hand continues up, his fingers brush against your hairline and woah. It sends an electric shock through your whole body that you weren’t expecting. You lurch forward and feel a loud clack reverberate through your skull as your teeth bump into Sebastian’s. You instantly break the kiss, leaning back with a cringe.
“Oh. Eugh.”
Sebastian laughs, making a similar face to yours. “Shit- sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.”
You touch your fingers to your mouth, trying to block out the sensation. With a sarcastic smile, you say, “Maybe I don’t like kissing that much.”
Sebastian hums at your response. “We don’t have to kiss on the mouth, you know.”
You look at him inquisitively for a moment before he reaches out and gently grabs your chin, turning your head slightly and pressing his lips to your cheek. You let out a giggle at first, but as his lips trail down along your jawline, you feel your face growing warmer. He places a hand on your knee, and you tilt your head to give him better access as butterflies swarm in your stomach again. You screw your eyes shut and let out a shaky breath.
“Is this okay?” he whispers against you, his breath warm against your pulse.
“Y- yeah,” you whisper back, as if you were afraid someone would hear, “it’s good.”
You feel him smile as he continues his trail of kisses down your neck. You lean back a bit, placing one hand behind you to steady yourself. You hold your other hand in the air awkwardly, not quite sure what to do with it, until you hesitantly place it on the back of his head. You feel him pause for a moment, but only for a moment before his lips continue moving along your skin. He lets out a dreamy sigh into your collarbone as you curl your fingers in his hair.
“Is it okay if I leave a mark?” he mumbles against you
Your eyes go wide as your heart skips a beat. What?
“Um…” You stutter, not quite sure what to say. Sebastian stays where he is, lips hovering just above your skin, waiting for permission. God, what would people think? You knew you were already going to be the talk of the town after the flower dance, but if you started walking around covered in hickeys, you’d never hear the end of it. Then your brain clicked.
“As long as no one will see.”
Sebastian nods slightly, before his lips are on you again. He hooks his fingers under the collar of your shirt, pulling it aside to expose part of your shoulder. You inhale sharply as that familiar dread churns in your stomach. Sebastian, seeming to read you mind, whispers, “I’m not taking it off. I’m just moving it.” You swallow hard, and nod in understanding.
He kissed along your collarbone, heading toward the newly exposed skin there. And when he reached it, his kisses became harder. Deeper. You felt his tongue against your skin and you screwed your eyes shut, taking in the sensation. He wasn’t kidding- he was definitely leaving a mark. Your heartbeat felt erratic, and you grasped at his hair with your fingers still buried there, trying to steady yourself. He let out a slight groan at the tightening of your grip, and pressed against you harder, almost pushing you over. You felt his teeth scrape against you, biting down slightly, and you let out a loud gasp, almost jumping out of your skin. He quickly let go of you and backed off.
“Fuck- I’m sorry.” He said, covering his mouth. “I wasn’t trying to- I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
You shook your head, trying to catch your breath. “No, that was… I liked that.” You craned your neck, trying to look at the spot he had been kissing. You couldn’t quite see it, but when you pressed your fingers against the skin there, you were sure a bruise was forming.
Sebastian looked relieved, his cheeks covered in a deep blush. “oh, good. Sorry, I didn’t mean to- to bite you.” He said with a breath of laughter, dragging a hand through his hair.
“It’s fine- I know you weren’t trying to.” You said with a shy smile, “But, um… warn me next time, okay?”
He let out a chuckle. “Noted.”
You held out your arms to him, silently asking for a hug. Kissing was fun and all, but somehow it felt like you needed this more. He looked at you with curiosity for a moment, before his smile softened and he obliged, shifting onto his knees and leaning into you. You wrapped your arms around his neck and rested your chin on his shoulder with hesitance. You’d hugged before, of course- a simple greeting or goodbye between friends. But now, after the bouquet, after making out with him, it felt different.
Sebastian’s arms snake around your waist, pulling you closer, and you can’t help the contented sigh that escapes your lips as you melt against him. You bury your face against his hood, breathing in the faint smell of cigarette smoke and the woodsy scent of sawdust that always permeated his house. Maybe it was embarrassing, but you thought this might be better than kissing. You were certainly glad he couldn’t see your face.
He exhales in amusement. “You like this?”
You nod against him and let out a faint “mm-hmm”, muffled by the fabric of his hoodie. He hums in understanding before resting his head against yours. You tighten your grip on him, desperate to get closer. You didn’t realize how intoxicating just holding him against you would be—somehow stifling and freeing at the same time. Like some sad, coiled creature at the back of your chest was coming unfurled for the first time in decades, making you wince at the warmth spreading through your body.
That’s what you noticed above all else, really. Sebastian was warm. And it was making you acutely aware of how little sleep you were running on, having laid awake nervous about the flower dance the night before. With your tired eyes pressed against his shoulder, you were sure you could fall asleep right there if you let yourself.
“Can we lay down?” you ask, mumbling into his hoodie.
“Hm? Yeah.” He responded, taking a moment to process what you’d said. But God, he said it so gently that it made your heart ache.
He shifted his legs out in front of him and peeked over his shoulder to see where your pillow was, before letting himself fall backwards onto the bed, pulling you down on top of him. You let out a small noise of surprise, and you both found yourselves laughing as you repositioned yourselves. It takes you a minute to find a position where Sebastian’s hip bones aren’t stabbing you. You always forgot just how skinny he was, as his hoodies did a decent job of hiding it. He tended to skip meals, especially when he was focused on a project. It wasn’t on purpose, he had told you once, but it still wasn’t healthy.
You eventually find yourself lying halfway on top of him, your head resting just below his shoulder and your legs tangled together. He drapes his arm across your back, and you lay a hand on his chest, fidgeting with the strings of his hoodie. You quickly stop though, as his hand begins to trace up and down your spine, sending waves of goosebumps across your whole body and a thrill through your heart.
“This okay?” he murmurs, craning his neck to try to look at you.
“Yeah…” You say nervously as you loop the strings around your fingers, grasping at them to find some stability. As Sebastian draws strange lines and shapes, tracing the outline of your shoulder blades and along your ribs, you find yourself tensing and squirming under every touch. Not because it felt bad, but because it felt so good it was embarrassing. You weren’t even sure what you were feeling, but it overflowed in short bursts of shivering, no matter how hard you tried to hide it.
“Geez… and I though I was touch starved.”
You let go of his hoodie strings to hide your face in shame. “Shut up…”
“It’s okay,” he said with a snicker, shifting underneath you, “it’s a lot for me too.”
It must’ve been. With your ear against his chest, you could hear just how erratic his heartbeat was. He presses a kiss to your forehead—a bit sloppily due to the angle—before resting his chin atop your head. It sent a pang of something stabbing through your chest, though you still weren’t sure what. You never thought this would be so… comfortable.
You lay there for a few minutes, just listening to Sebastian’s heart beat out of time, as his fingers trail up and down your back. You eventually grew accustomed to the sensation, leaving your skin buzzing under his touch. You couldn’t help but notice, though, that he only ever went down as far as your midback.
You nuzzled your face against his chest and mumbled “you can go lower than that if you want.”
Sebastian brought his fingers to a halt. “Where should I stop?”
You gave a questioning hum before he continued.
“I figured you probably don’t want me grabbing your ass or anything, so I wasn’t sure where you wanted me to stop. I’ll be honest- I don’t know exactly where the human back ends and the ass begins.”
It might’ve sounded rude or sarcastic to someone else, but you knew he was just being factual. Nevertheless, you let out a breath of laughter. “Yeah, I’m not sure…”
He traces back and forth across your midback for a minute, clearly considering his next words.
“Here-” he finally says, moving his hand downward slightly. “I’ll just go really slow, and you tell me when to stop, okay?”
You nod against his chest. “m’kay”
Sebastian’s hand inched downward, so slowly you could hardly tell it was moving at all. You tried your best to focus on where he was, but the warmth spreading through your lower back was quite distracting, and your eyes fluttered closed as he reached the spot that always hurt after a long day of harvesting crops. You let out a contented sigh, your ever-aching muscles soothed under his touch. You were so enamored by the feeling though that you had lost focus, and you soon realized he had passed your waistband—that familiar pang of dread growing in your stomach.
You ignored it for as long as you could, until his hand was just above your tailbone, and you let out a short groan of disapproval.
“That’s- um. I don’t-”
His hand retreated back up quickly as he hummed in understanding.
“Sorry…” you whispered, your whole body tensing with shame.
“No, that’s okay. That’s good.” Sebastian said, rubbing your back reassuringly. “That’s why we’re trying stuff, right? Now I know, and I won’t touch you there again.”
You nod and let out a short “m-hmm” of acceptance, trying to relax again.
“Unless you want me to, of course.” He added, with a twinge of mock bravado.
A sharp exhale of amusement leaves your nose as you smile, shifting against him. “Thank you…”
You fall back into a comfortable silence as Sebastian’s hand resumes its journey along your spine, dipping down to your waistband before looping back up again. You thanked God, Yoba, or whoever was listening that Sebastian was taking this so well. You had run through a million scenarios in your head of him getting weirded out and rejecting you, or getting angry that you didn’t want sex, or politely declining a relationship once he realized what your ace-ness entailed, but none of those had happened. You hadn’t expected him to be so understanding, and to help you figure out what you were okay with. You felt almost guilty, like you should return the favor somehow. You wanted… you wanted…
Your thoughts drifted as his hand reached up and fiddled with the collar of your shirt. It made your brain jump back to earlier—how his fingers had grazed your hairline and you flinched so hard you broke the kiss. Had that felt… good? Bad? You couldn’t quite recall, but you realized you could find out. Well, as long as we’re trying things…
“Hey, can you… touch my hair?”
Sebastian let out a questioning “Hm?”
“Like, um… can you-”
“Like this?” he interjected, as he dragged up along the nape of your neck and buried his fingers in your hair. Again, it felt like a shockwave spreading from your head down through your whole body, causing you to tense against him. You buried your face in his chest, muffling a sound that could only be described as a whimper. Sebastian waited a moment, taking in your reaction, before starting to move his fingers back and forth, massaging at your scalp. Your breathing grew faster, and the sounds you tried to hold back were downright embarrassing. You felt your face burning, like you were going to cry or something—it just felt so much.
You writhed against him, no matter how hard you tried to suppress it. Through the onslaught of stimulus running through your brain, you registered his other hand on your waist, trying to steady you.
“You okay?”
You could only nod sharply and let out a “mm-hmm” in response. Sebastian said something else after that, but you were so overwhelmed by his fingers in your hair that you couldn’t comprehend it. God, did it feel good. It felt so good you needed to do something about it.
Frantic, you tilted your face up to press your lips to Sebastian’s neck. Immediately, his fingers froze in place, and you felt his whole body tense beneath you. It shocked some sense back into you, and you realized maybe that was too much. You slowly pulled back, your breathing still shaky.
“Sorry, was that-“
“No, that’s- that’s okay. That’s fine.” Sebastian responded while staring up at the ceiling, his fingers still frozen in your hair.
You couldn’t make out his expression. Normally you would’ve stopped altogether to compose yourself, but your brain was still foggy enough that you leaned in again, pressing your lips to his throat as gently as you could manage. You felt his breath hitch, and as one kiss became two, his fingers began to move again. It spurred you to press a bit harder, and you felt him swallow as his grip on your hair tightened. If you kept kissing him like this though, you realized you were going to start leaving marks. Without much thought, you pulled on his hoodie to expose a bit of his collarbone, and moved your lips there instead. Sebastian seemed to enjoy it at least, tilting his head back as if inviting you to keep going, his fingers still buried in your hair.
You started parting your lips more and more, getting your tongue involved, and before long you felt your teeth graze his skin. Sebastian must’ve felt it too, because he hissed in sharply, before breathing out a shaky “fuck”, and seizing his hand against the back of your head. You let out a hum of amusement and surprise as he smushed your face against him, forcing you to kiss harder—you must be doing something right. You smile as his fingers dig into your hair, their movement slowing a bit as the pressure increases. Your eyelids flutter at the shockwaves radiating through your body. Your whole head felt tingly, almost like you were going to float away. It was downright intoxicating.
You weren’t sure how long you were kissing him for—you’d have kept going forever if he kept massaging his fingers into your scalp like that. But after a while you noticed Sebastian’s breathing started to get faster, with little sounds escaping the back of his throat as his breath hitched. His fingers eventually slowed their movement before stopping altogether.
“Okay you- you’ve gotta stop doing that.” He said, his voice shaking.
With a whine of disappointment, you reluctantly removed your lips from his skin, and propped yourself up to look at him, still laying on top of him.
“How come?”
Sebastian’s face was a deep red. He breathed in as if he were going to say something, but couldn’t seem to find the words. He pursed his lips and looked to the side, avoiding eye contact with you. As he shifted his hips underneath you, you felt something hard press against your thigh.
“Oh. Oh, shit-“
You quickly rolled off of him, lying beside him on your back. Sebastian draped his arm over his face, hiding his eyes. “Yeah.” He croaked out.
You both lay there in the awkward silence for a moment, taking in what just happened. Did I… turn him on? How the hell did I do that?? and how did I not realize it??? You glance at Sebastian to see him still hiding his face, clearly mortified.
Wait, does he think I’m mad at him?
You roll over to face him. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to-“
“mm-mph” Sebastian cut you off, shaking his head. “My fault.” He sat up, dragging his hands over his face, which was still dark red. “I should’ve stopped you sooner.”
He still hadn’t looked at you, and you could tell he felt bad. Just on instinct, you wanted to tell him it was okay, but was it okay? That familiar, curdling dread was bubbling in your stomach. Someone wanted to have sex with you. Or at least, someone was aroused by you. This was why you didn’t do relationships. He was feeling something you couldn’t.
But then you looked at him again—watched him slide his hands down his face, finally making eye contact with you, and the dread started to fade. This was Sebastian, after all. You liked Sebastian. You gave him a sympathetic smile, and his eyes darted away nervously. Goddammit- he’s cute when he’s nervous.
“Seb, I’m not mad at you.” You say with a slight chuckle. “I’m ace and you’re not- it was bound to happen eventually.” He just stared down at the bedsheets between you.
“Hey.” You said as you reached out your hand and laid it in front of him, inviting him to take it. He looked up to you for a few seconds, before shifting around and placing his hand in yours. You gave it a reassuring squeeze. “We’ll just have to keep trying stuff, right? And find stuff that doesn’t make… that happen.” Sebastian finally smiles as you both laugh a little, and squeezes your hand back.
“Though I guess we’re done trying stuff for right now, huh?” you say with resignation.
“We don’t have to be.” Sebastian says. “Don’t let my stupid boner ruin everything—I can just ignore it.”
He says it with such sincerity, you can’t help but laugh. You were having a lot of fun earlier, and you still had something on your mind.
“Actually, I did want to try some stuff on you, if you still want to.” You said, brushing your thumb across his fingers. “I want to find what you like—something a little less charged, maybe.”
He let out a breath of laughter. “Okay.”
You pulled your clasped hands up to your lips and pressed a kiss to his knuckles, before letting go and flopping back onto the bed, splaying your arms out. Sebastian just watched you with amusement as you got comfortable, until you reached out to him.
“C’mere.”
Sebastian obliged, crawling over to you and hesitantly resting his body against yours, being careful to position his hips away from you. You had essentially switched places from where you were before, with Sebastian now laying on top of you. He folded his arms atop your sternum and rested his chin on them to look up at you.
“What, is it my turn now?” he asked with a smirk.
“Yes.” You say, craning your neck to meet his gaze. You bring your arms around him and begin to card your fingers through his hair, brushing his asymmetrical bangs away from his face. He closes his eyes and tilts his head back a bit, leaning into your touch with a polite smile. You feel him shift around slightly, but otherwise he doesn’t react much.
“How’s that?”
“Good… but I think you liked it way more than I do.” He teased, lifting his chin up to reposition his arms around you, then resting it back on your chest. “You’re mostly just messing up my hair.”
You pulled your hands back to see his hair was now sticking up strangely in places, and you realized he probably used some product in it before the festival this morning, which you had just dislodged.
“Oh shoot, I’m sorry.” You said, trying your best to smooth his hair back down as he chuckled.
Once you roughly had his hair back into place, you wiped your hands down the back of his hoodie and he hummed, shifting under your touch.
“That feels nice…”
“Yeah?” You say, bringing a hand up to run down his back again. He squeezed his arms around you a little tighter with an “mm-hmm” in response. You smoothed up and down a few times before getting into a steady rhythm of rubbing circles along his spine, and slowly you felt him relax against you more and more.
After a minute or two of watching his softened expression, you felt Sebastian tense a bit before he asked, “Can you use your nails?”
You nodded, and curled your hand to drag your fingertips along his back. He shifted around and let out a contented sigh, despite the fact that hardly anything had changed. You kept your nails fairly short to keep them from being worn down by farm work, and you had to imagine they made no difference through the thick fabric of his hoodie. Not thinking much about it, you reached down and slipped your hand up under Sebastian’s hoodie to drag your nails across his bare skin. You felt him flinch hard at the change in sensation, and he nuzzled his face into your chest with a short whine.
“Sorry, d’you want me to stop?”
Sebastian didn’t say anything, but shook his head “no” and tightened his grip on you. It sent a pang of something stabbing through your heart again. You smiled down at him as you scraped your nails along his spine, feeling him shiver in response. He was usually so cool and collected, always having some witty remark at the ready. So to see him this vulnerable and unguarded was strange, but adorable. Eventually, he let out a contented sigh as he melted against you, clearly soothed by your touch.
“Hey,” He mumbled, lifting his face up to you, “If there’s ever anything, um… else, that you want to try…”
You let out a questioning “hm?” as you looked down to meet his eyes.
“I mean, there’s plenty of thing people associate with sex, that aren’t sex… y’know?”
You gave him a confused look as you watched his eyes dart away nervously.
“Like, if you ever wanted me to, um…” His voice was barely a whisper. “…tie you up, or anything…”
Your eyes widened at the suggestion as your heart skipped a beat. What?
Sebastian must’ve taken your reaction as a negative, because he let out a frustrated sigh before burying his face against you and mumbling “Sorry. Forget I said anything.”
“No! that’s…” You exclaimed, not quite sure how to respond. The prospect seemed… exciting? Maybe? You weren’t quite sure—it hadn’t ever crossed your mind before.”
“…Yeah.” You eventually settled on, “I have to think about it, but yeah. ’s good to know.”
You felt Sebastian relax a little bit before whispering “…ok…cool…”
You let out a breath of laughter as you tightened your grip on him, resuming your nails scraping across his back. He in turn squeezed his grip around your waist before relaxing again, letting his eyes flutter closed at the sensation.
For the next few minutes, you were lost in thought over his suggestion. A lot of back and forth deliberation over whether he wanted to, or thought you wanted to? and what could you have done or said to give that impression? and did you want to? Before eventually resolving to just figure that out later. At the very least, you were glad that he trusted you enough to suggest it—that had to be worth something.
All that thinking must’ve made you tired though, because it wan’t long before a yawn escaped your lips, making you realize you were about to fall asleep. Apparently, after working on the farm for so long, instant coffee wasn’t going to cut it anymore. You removed your hand from under Sebastian’s shirt and rested it on his back.
“Seb,” you mumbled, “ ‘m getting sleepy.”
No response.
You craned your neck to look down at him, only to see his eyes closed, and the most peaceful expression you’d ever seen on his face. Damn, he’s already asleep.
You knew he’d always had trouble sleeping, so you didn’t want to risk waking him up, deciding an afternoon nap wouldn’t hurt. You reached over to pull a blanket over the both of you, desperately trying not to wake him. You weren’t sure if he’d meant to fall asleep, or if he was okay sleeping in your bed with you already, but you resolved to just figure it out later, like everything else. With Sebastian pressed against you, warm and cozy, you let yourself drift off, thinking Yeah, I’m glad I gave him the bouquet.